#also i should probably make an appointment with a psychiatrist to refill my meds

[devilsskettle]

things i’m trying to do for my life to be better summer 2023 edition —

-> exercise 3x a week at least

-> eat protein

-> find easy recipes with few ingredients so i’ll actually be consistent about cooking actual meals for myself

-> less caffeine: no caffeine on non-work days or after 3 pm

-> habit stacking

-> no phone in the morning (admittedly a challenge because it helps my brain wake up but at what cost)

-> california sober

-> read Something

-> fruit

-> hydrate

-> being consistent about doing the dishes + laundry

-> slowly but surely getting my room together in a way that is fit for human habitation

-> i am a body before i am a mind so i need to prioritize my physical needs

-> traveling as much as i can afford to

[schizosupport]

Tw hospital, lying, anxiety.

To start, I have 2 weeks until I see my psych, but I'm freaking out. So I've not been taking my meds in any routine way whatsoever. I'm unbelievably horrible at remembering. I've gone weeks without taking them before, but the issue (besides my mental health being bad?) is that I've been lying about it for several months now.

At first I was afraid to tell my psychiatrist that I wasn't taking them. I am terrified of going to the hospital, And in turn missed two appointments and didn't make a follow up until a few days after my last scheduled appointment, but they decided to drop me as a client supposedly since I moved, but more likely because I missed appointments.

So when I finally found a new psych it had been 2 months since my last psych appointment and since my last refill. I lied to my new psych and said I had extra medication from appointments being so close together and that I was taking my meds. I said I was only off my meds for a week or so. She then filled my prescription and it had been so long I was also afraid to just jump back into these meds, but I still haven't said anything. Well I saw her again last month and she sent a refill but when I went to pick up my meds all they gave me / had was one of my medications, and I meant to call and see what happened and why I didn't get my other two but I didn't have the time and I've completely forgotten.

She's probably going to find out that I haven't been taking them and I've been pretending I'm fine for so long and also lying about being okay so now I'm also worried that she'll think I'm faking my mental illness? Either that or she will put me in the hospital? Idk what to do or what I could say to her to explain this.

And it's okay if you're not sure what to say or how to respond, this definitely is a lot, and I want to add that I appreciate your blog and it definitely helps! You're doing absolutely amazing!

Hey!

Ok so keep in mind that mental health systems in different countries work differently, and all I can really do, is tell you how I think this will play out according to my own experiences, but the Danish healthcare system could differ from yours.

First off, I want to stress that taking meds, or not taking meds, should be your decision. It's definitely recommended to be open with your doctor about how you are, or are not, using your medication. But I don't think you owe them this information.

It will obviously be hard for them to help you correctly if they don't know what you're taking/not taking, nor how you're really doing.

But in my experience/opinion, it's unlikely that this will make her think you were faking anything, and even more unlikely that it would be cause for hospitalization.

Unless you are in court-ordered treatment, missing medication, and even omitting/lying about it, isn't considered a reason to hospitalize someone, and certainly not against their will.

Is it correctly understood that aside from telling her you were still taking meds, you also told her that you're doing fine, even though you're not?

If so, and if you are indeed not fine, then I do think that it's important to clear up this misunderstanding. Because it's important to figure out if you would do better on the meds, and if not, look into different treatment options.

You deserve help!! And to feel better!!

Do you have an email for her? Sometimes these things are easier to write down. You can just write to her pretty much what you wrote here. None of what you have written here to me would be cause to think you were faking, or for hospitalization.

I know this is a cliche, but if you can only see her in person, sometimes it's still easier to write it down beforehand.

But this is one of things that is awkaward and hard, but it's also important, for your own sake, and it's not a dangerous thing as such.

At worst, if your psych is an asshole, she will kinda like.. scold you? Which she really shouldn't, so in that case I would recommend start looking for a new one.

Best of luck clearing up the misunderstandings!

[antirealisation]

Bluuuh therapy's been on my mind again. but like, firstly, how in the world do you talk yourself -- even with professional help -- out of this? And that's after all the access issues that make it such a nonstarter. So I should probably just stop thinking about it but yknow.

I think it's partly also thinking how we need to make an appointment with the psychiatrist for a med refill, and just how... really odd that gets. "One inhabitant of this body is hecking depressed in a longer-term "this is why it's also bipolar and not just borderline" way; the hosts, however, are doing pretty good, excited about their research, etc." Not to mention our therapy notes, still lingering there 🙃

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i got up at like 7:30, found out the school was closed until 10, and went back to bed. then i got up for my psychiatrist appointment, got a call that it was canceled, and went back to bed. no meds for me. i promised the counter lady i’d reschedule the appointment tomorrow when i would be at the health center for my regular doctor’s appointment.

then i realized my doctor’s appointment was during my si outreach event, so i would have to reschedule that too. luckily, that ended up not being a problem.

my first class was canceled due to the blizzard so i got to relax and try to do homework. except i got an email that i had missed the drop/add deadline for my si training class, so i’d have to fill out the override form and get 3 magical artifacts i mean signatures and deliver the paperwork to the registrar. i went to the slc first to get my supervisor’s signature. she wasted a whole bunch of time talking about stuff i’d already finished doing. then she put me in front of a computer to write a paragraph about how i didn’t know that the drop/add deadline for this 8-week courses was only the 19th, as it had been a 2-week period in previous semesters and was just changed with no notice. i finished it in about a minute and went back to her office to find she had popped over to her neighbor. so i sat outside that office for 10 minutes, getting more antsy and sick. my supervisor finally came out and asked if i’d been waiting for her to print the paragraph, and i said i’d been waiting for ten minutes. she printed it out for me and told me where i needed to go to get the other two signatures. i was gonna do that, but i had to grab a snack first, as i hadn’t eaten in a very long time.

then when i got back to the physics department i got ANOTHER email about my nasa project, which also had paperwork due today. so i printed that out and started filling it out, and then i had to go to class without even getting to start my homework.

immediately upon stepping outside the physics lounge i felt extremely nauseous. it was the worst it’s been in the whole four weeks i’ve been sick, other than when i try to brush my tongue and stick the toothbrush in too far. i’ve been more careful about that lately though. i hobbled over to the math department, put my backpack down, stared at the floor for a few seconds, and immediately went in the bathroom and dry heaved for like 6 minutes. i missed the beginning of class. jay asked where i was about halfway through the class and cody pointed at me. i waved at him. i told heather i was feeling really seriously sick, and spent the whole class sweating and staring at my desk in the back. 

after class jay managed to talk me into getting some lunch. i was feeling a little better, so i promised myself i’d only eat a little bit, so i didn’t upset my stomach further. i had some sweet potatoes and a cup of thai tea, which was probably a mistake. i joked around with jay and rob and then we went to quantum 2. i put my backpack down and then had to run to the bathroom to puke for reals. then my nose started bleeding, and my eyes got dry and itchy and painful. i was a little shaken up, since i can usually handle my nausea better than that. i asked the professor if i should go to the health center or if he would prefer i go after class and he practically kicked me out. the walk to the health center was the longest walk i’ve ever been through. even though it was about 3 minutes away.

i talked to the lady at the front desk and she canceled my appointment for tomorrow in order to get me in right then. i couldn’t tell if the doctor was happy or annoyed when she asked some questions and i launched into my entire medical history and every conversation i’ve had over the last 4 weeks relating to my illness. she had me lay back on the table and put her hand on my right side, which surprisingly hurt actually a lot. she said something about my gallbladder and left to set up an appointment with the hospital. she asked if i had any plans for the afternoon or if could see them immediately and i said i had some paperwork to finish, but no classes. but the radiologist at the hospital was too busy today, so i gotta go on thursday morning at like 7. i get the feeling that since the radiologist thinks it’s going to take longer than an hour and a half he might be checking on more than one internal organ.

i rescheduled my appointment with my psychiatrist and trudged over to the offices i needed to get signatures from, and turned in that paperwork. then i finished my nasa project application and told my quantum professor i was still alive. and i contacted all my morning professors about missing class on thursday. i’ve missed more school than i’ve attended so far this semester between the funeral, the weather, and now this.

i talked to rob a bit on the way home since we ran into each other on the bus. we talked about the nasa project and what the week looked like for me. i was in a lot of pain, but it started fading by the time i got home. it took 50 minutes to get home.

i ate a veggie dog for dinner, and when i only felt a little nauseous, i made a second one and had some fruit, which had started to look a little weird after i didn’t have time to eat it last week. so i only had a little bit. and i STILL didn’t get any homework done! gotta try to get up early tomorrow morning and try again. i don’t know if i can manage jazzercise tomorrow though, my stomach area is still pretty uncomfortable even though i haven’t eaten anything else for hours.

and my dad blew me off when i complained about a sharp pain in my side on saturday! and mom blew me off too at the airport when it first started. that airplane ride was so long, but not as long as the time i had shigella and was actually dying and the plane ride took about 19 hours. or maybe it was just 9. i can’t remember any more. definitely at least 19 hours total travel time from malawi to south africa to georgia to arizona.

anyway, i’ve been having random symptoms and various pains in different areas that come and go for four weeks now. nothing really consistent other than generally feeling like something’s wrong. like even yesterday evening when i was feeling fine physically i still would have described myself as “sick” somehow. 

i might have to miss more class, depending on how i feel tomorrow. at least i have the doctor’s appointment note for thursday, so i’ll only really get one unexcused absence. but i’m hoping to feel ok enough for class tomorrow. i really need to do this homework... gotta pull myself together somehow. 

i guess in a way i kind of hope something is seriously wrong. i guess it would make me feel justified, in a way? like no wonder i feel terrible and have no patience for anything, i had some serious illness that wasn’t treated! and the first doctor said i had vertigo for some reason! 

i’ve been writing this post for a half hour. i should try to sleep. today, despite getting up kind of late, was very densely packed. i still haven’t told my parents i need an ultrasound, partially because i left my phone at home today on accident. but i think i’ll wait until i get some results before i say anything. mom kind of freaks the hell out when something is wrong. 

maybe i’m burying my emotions about the whole thing, because i sure don’t have any strong feelings about it. i didn’t really have strong feelings about grandma’s death either, except a seriously delayed reaction to seeing her dead body. i didn’t have any super strong feelings about glenn either, except getting annoyed when he called me “sweetie.” if this had been ten years ago his presence would have really rustled my jimmies. i guess i’ve stopped feeling too upset about losing my pokemon game too. i just feel a kind of heavy dark deadness when i think about it. the only thing that really makes me lose my temper is being unable to articulate my feelings to jim. i guess because i don’t have any feelings? i gotta be feeling SOMETHING, though, because my homework is as done as raw steak, and i don’t usually completely ignore it when it’s open right in front of me unless i’m upset about something else. dr. cole has been really gentle with me about the nuclear homework and my last grad school application, and my laplace transforms professor said i could have an extra day to turn in my make-up work, and hogan said i should take my time looking over his notes from quantum today, and i got a quick recap about the class from rob, so everyone is being pretty nice about everything... even jay said he was sorry about my grandmother. maybe there’s something about my face or posture i’m not noticing. 

i keep wanting to cry but i can’t... quite... make the tears come out of my eyes. i wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but i’m seeing a different doctor on monday since she’s booked through like all of february. i am at least getting a refill on my current meds. i’m worried about how much progress i’m going to make with this new therapist, wei luo. if i can’t get myself through all this garbage before the end of the semester i’ll be really disappointed. and maybe not as emotionally prepared for grad school as i would like to be. at least i’m not getting so many random panic attacks frequently throughout the day. maybe i’m tiring myself out doing all this running around.

i gotta try to sleep. it’s almost 11 now. i started writing before 10:15. but i think it was good to get all these thoughts down somewhere. i haven’t had a lot of time to think about what’s going on, but i keep doing it anyway, so maybe writing it down will help me stop thinking about this and think about important things like my schoolwork and falling asleep for a little bit.

[unlikely-colour-strawberry]

This bitch is dealing with about 8 hours of total sleep the past couple days and has been nothing but turned on the past 24 hours...

Hypomanic episode, hello. My psychiatrist has NOT filled my scripts for nearly two weeks and I’m dealing with the consequences. Thanks, Doc. I feel like I’m hooked up to a battery or something, electricity coursing through my veins. I went to bed around midnight this morning. Spent four hours rolling around, hallucinating, and having super crazy dreams. Woke up wanting nothing more than to get off AGAIN. I am fucking LIT right now. I wanna learn acrylic paint. I wanna write a Black Butler fanfiction. I wanna spend the entire day at Panda Express because their honey sesame chicken is literally all I want right now.

Hi, if anyone was wondering, I have been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, along with complex PTSD and ADHD. I’m currently not very medicated because my psychiatrist is either on fucking vacation and therefore CAN’T refill my scripts, or just hasn’t seen the faxes from Wal-Mart. Which, fuck me, how hard is it for her to tell me if she was going on vacation so I’d need to refill my scripts early? I haven’t felt this fucking wired since Summer. And during THAT episode, I legit wanted to get naked and run around the neighbourhood spouting shit about how important I am and how I’m gonna save the world.

SO, when I woke up from yet another crazy dream that probably only lasted a few minutes, I was horny as hell so I had “me time”, but my vibrator died AGAIN. Like, the fuck? I charged you for two fucking hours last night! So now I’m frustrated, tired, AND I’m starving for Panda Express. But they’re not open for several more hours and I honestly don’t think i should be driving! Hopefully Uber Eats will fucking work this time.

Why am I posting this? Well, not enough bipolar folks post how they’re feeling in the middle of a manic/hypomanic episode and maybe this is me sharing how I feel so people don’t feel so alone. Or maybe I just need to ramble and this is the only place I can do that right now because it’s 6 in the fucking morning and I have no one to talk to. I’m watching opera and funny youtube videos to keep myself distracted from how high I feel.

You’re probably wondering, why haven’t I called my psychiatrist if she hasn’t filled my scripts for two weeks? Because anxiety and executive dysfunction suck and I’d rather suffer in silence than make a damn phonecall. I promise, I’ll call today. But I have no idea if she’ll answer. If she legit hasn’t seen any of the faxes Wal-Mart has sent her about my refill requests, plus she cancelled our appointment on the 19th, then I don’t know what the hell is going on. I just know I need my meds NOW. I have enough 40 mg Geodon capsules to survive me for today. I’ll take two to help level me out. But I need that 60 mg dose at night and my Tryleptal to really keep me feeling normal. I also ran out of both my antidepressants, so I need those, too. I can’t fucking believe that all my meds need a doctor’s permission to refill. It’s bullshit. Shouldn’t they have some kinda thing that says you don’t need permission if you’ve been proven not to abuse the medications?

[teabunnie]

I was really anxious about my upcoming doctor's appointment. Doctors appointments have made me anxious for a long time now. I tried to tell myself I was being unreasonable and that it wouldn't go poorly. The time came and it couldn't have gone worse.

Forgetting my phone wasn't a good start and left me without any coping mechanism through the almost two hour ordeal. I had called and asked to be tested for hyperparathyroidism. I have hypothyroidism. They know this. They tested my thyroid hormone levels a few months ago. I clearly stated "hyperparathyroidism" and hoped that they wouldn't be confused. An intern came instead of the doctor. She said that she would be talking to me, then my doctor, and then would come back with my doctor. I explained to her why I was there, including mental health concerns. She seemed very friendly and nice and we talked at length about all of my issues. But she kept asking over and over about my thyroid. I kept telling her it was under control. I later learned that on her clipboard she had a single piece of paper that had handwritten "wants thyroid checked," but I still don't understand why she kept asking again and again after I already explained the mixup. This was increasingly frustrating.

She said that she didn't think the doctor would agree to test me for the condition I came to be tested for, but that she would if she was in charge and she would try to convince him. She encouraged me to try an SSRI and I explained why I wouldn't try an SSRI unless it was recommended to me by a psychiatrist. She recommended a similar drug and I said I might be open to discussing it, but I had concerns about side effects. She said we should talk about it with the doctor. I brought up a drug I was interested in trying, that isn't abusable, that has helped some people. She brushed this off and said that the doctor wouldn't write a prescription for it because he was very old school. She left the room.

I could hear almost every word she said right outside the door. He had the sense to keep his voice down I suppose, but I heard way more than I wanted to hear. She said something about me being "stark white" and "trembling." I immediately looked in the mirror, self conscious. A moment later she said that she really didn't think they should test me for the thing I came to be tested for, but that I really wanted to be tested for it. Excuse me? You said you were going to fight for me and I HEAR YOU doing the opposite. He sighed very loudly. I started trying to tune them out as much as possible.

Earlier when he peeked in he was all smiles, but when I saw him again, and for the remainder of the time I saw him he either looked at me like I was a rabid animal or avoided eye contact. Was I scary? I stuttered and tore my nails to shreds. I didn't cry, raise my voice, or act threatening. Is he fit to be a doctor if I made him so uncomfortable?

He decided mid-appointment I needed a urine test even though I had one a few months back. It was not explained why. After this I waited in the room for a very long time. I heard a woman yelling at another woman on the phone that either she took way too many pills or someone stole them. She used the patient's name. I heard another woman loudly complain about an unruly patient. I think the doctor took an entire other appointment while I waited. Especially considering I was there for almost two hours.

He asked me about my thyroid, which I explained was fine again. He told me that he didn't think they should test for hyperparathyroidism because he didn't think my insurance paid for it because "it's not indicated." Because he wouldn't tell them he thought it was necessary. I asked if we could explore other possible causes of my symptom if he didn't think this was the one. He just said that he could give me a medication to mask it that would make my mouth dry. Not what I asked. Not helpful. The intern came up with an idea to do a cheaper test that could indirectly indicate what I wanted to be tested for, as it would cause calcium deficiency. I tried to be happy with that. After the appointment I remembered that I had taken a calcium supplement the night before and wondered if it would affect the test. Who knows.

The doctor insisted on writing me a prescription for the drug I told the intern I would consider earlier. He said, "this won't make you feel better. It will just make you act better," his exact words. I asked about side effects three or four times. He changed the subject or simply ignored me. I failed to understand why I would want to take a brain chemical altering drug that a doctor said, "wouldn't make me feel better." He did his best to make it not seem optional.

My previous doctor had written me a prescription for clonazepam that helped when I took it, but that I didn't always take when I needed because of probably irrational fears. When I first saw my new doctor he wrote the refill incorrectly and cut my dosage in half. He wrote for me to take half of a pill. An already low dose pill. This is literally the dose they would give a small dog. He actually wrote all three of my refills wrong and this was the only one I never got straight. I spoke to him about this and he decided to cut the dose even further, I guess because he wants me on the other medication. I repeatedly told him that this medicine helped me and that he was prescribing 1/3 of my original dose now. He was unaffected.

He told me to make an appointment in 3 months to review the medication changes and told me that if the symptom that made me very concerned about hyperparathyroidism was still a problem (I made clear that I had had problems with it for over 10 years. There is no reason to believe it might possibly go away) then he would write that prescription to mask the problem. The main thing I made the appointment for was not addressed outside of "let's check back in three months." I was given paper prescriptions and told maybe he also faxed them or called them in? Maybe not? Who knows.

I don't know whether I can or should take this medication. It has good reviews online, but even the good reviews all say it makes you feel worse before you feel better. I CAN'T afford to feel worse. I am already struggling and making mistakes at work. I am confident I will not be able to work if I feel worse. I can't afford not to work. The last time a doctor recommended something I didn't want to take everyone I ever spoke to told me I should have tried it. It doesn't matter how much research I've done or that I did a pre-med program in college or that I know my body. I should just do whatever the doctor tells me, everyone says. I don't know what to do.