#also i think even if people can agree “ikebukuro is better without izaya” and he doesn't seem missed at all (cite: SH)

[threadmonster]

Concept:

It's May 4th and Shinra has been talking about his plans to marathon Star Wars with Celty. He isn't particularly interested in the series but Celty is intrigued by aliens and all. Izaya is annoyed. Of course Shinra, as usual, only cares about Celty. It still makes him feel gloomy though, it's not like Shinra ever forgot his birthday before.

He gets even more annoyed when Shinra calls him for a favor. Why should he care if Shinra forgot a few things at the store? But it's fine, whatever, it's not like he has anything better to do. Even his own sisters didn't bother to send him his birthday death threat.

Shinra told him to let himself in. He doesn't know why all the lights are off. He huffs and turns them on all just to be bombarded by a chaotic mess of "Happy Birthday" wishes and a camera flash in his face.

He doesn't know what to say or how to react. He sees Shinra, Celty, his sisters, Kyohei and the van gang, Simon was there. He wants to get mad, how dare he be fooled like this. In truth, he doesn't even know how to feel about it.

You see, his self-worth is so low that he can't understand, people do care about him.

[nyanzaya]

Pulled down the stars

@the-forgotten-spring you were my assigned person for secret santa! I hope you enjoy it<3 It was fun to write and really song inspired. If you’d want to hear those: Your Tattoo / Pulled down the stairs / All To Myself, Pt 1

Pair: Shizuo/Izaya words: 2172

     Peace. 

     It was a difficult emotion for Shizuo to find himself feeling. The tranquility of it was the type of emotion he had always wanted to feel and the sky above added to the feeling of calm. It wasn’t often he would gaze at the stars, perhaps wondering what was actually out there beyond it all. A full moon illuminated the field he was in and despite it all, he really didn’t care how he got there. 

     He was sure this peace would last, though he thought too soon hearing a grating voice on his ears.

     “Shi~zu~chan~” 

     Already he was reaching for his cigarettes. “How the hell did you find me out here, you bastard.” His words were low, almost growled out in annoyance of hearing his hated nickname. 

     Izaya gave a hum, “Well, isn’t it obvious?”

     “It’s not obvious at all.” Shizuo’s brow furrowed as he placed the end of the cigarette between his lips and flicked his lighter. 

     Of course, Izaya wasn’t surprised. Shizuo might have been intuitive at times, but right now it seemed like he really didn’t have much of an idea. The informant gave a shrug, “Coincidence then. I wasn’t actually looking for you by the way.” He looked up to the sky. 

     Shizuo inhaled the nicotine, before he finally exhaled slowly. “That sounds like a load of bullshit.” His nerves were calmed again. He then looked at Izaya, how they looked at the sky. The blond shook his head, finding that looking at him made him feel dizzy. Why was that? Normally, he would retaliate quickly and chase this bastard out of the city, but they weren’t in Ikebukuro. They were in some field, looking at the sky together that was far from the noise, the bright blinding lights and the expectations of their reputation.

     Out here they were just two people. 

     The tension that would normally be between them almost seemed to not exist. 

     “Does it? It’s surprising a beast like you would be out here. Don’t tell me you’re going to change under the full moon’s light.” Izaya spoke, turning his head to give Shizuo a side glance, smirking at the other as if expecting something out of him.

     Shizuo tsked, “I’m not a werewolf or some shit like that.” He felt himself tense up, feeling the anger starting to scratch up his back again. 

     “Are you sure about that? Looks like fur is starting to stand on end.” The informant teased before he swiftly moved out of Shizuo’s reach. He raised a hand, shaking his index finger at him as if scolding, “Now, now, you don’t have to act that way.”

     It was agitating how Izaya always seemed to be just out of arm’s reach. Of course, he threw his fist without much thought. Letting the anger take over his senses felt better than holding it in. “Fuck you, you damn flea.” He spat out.

     Izaya gave another shrug, opening his arms as if inviting Shizuo “Come now, Shizu-chan, can’t we have ourselves a little truce and try to enjoy what’s out here?” 

     “A truce? With you? In your wildest dreams.” Shizuo took the cigarette out of his mouth. It wasn’t finished but he put it out and opened his vest to retrieve a white envelope to place it inside. The envelope was placed back into his vest and he crossed his arms over his chest. “Why would I ever want to make a truce with you?”

     “Have you heard the story about the old man and the rabbit he took with him when he went back to the moon?” Izaya asked looking back toward the moon, clearly ignoring Shizuo’s questions.

     The blond rolled his eyes, exhaling a sigh, “Who hasn’t? It’s the one about the old man disguised as a beggar and asked these three animals for food. They were…” He brought a hand to his chin, thinking of the story again. It had been a long time since he had last thought about it.

     “The monkey, fox and rabbit.” Izaya piped in.

     “Yeah, but what about it?”

     “You remember how it ends?”

     Shizuo looked at Izaya again, the dizzying feeling returning, but he powered through it. “The rabbit didn’t have anything to give to the beggar so he asked them to make a fire and offered himself, but the beggar took off his disguise and said something along the lines of how kind and generous the rabbit was to offer themselves and ’cause of that he brought them back to the moon with him.” He looked at the moon with a soft smile, “He’s still there too.”

     Izaya was quiet but after a moment he started to laugh. It started soft before getting louder. Shizuo was taken aback by their laughter. 

     “What?” He asked, watching Izaya bring a hand to his face to rub at his eyes. 

     It was funny to Izaya that they were having a conversation like this. Not even a few minutes ago he had gotten Shizuo all riled up with a few simple words and now here they were, talking about some old story about the moon. He’d only ever claim to love humans but the moon held a charm he really couldn’t deny. It was an enchanting thing and looking at Shizuo, it was almost blinding as if he was the sun itself. Especially when the blond had softly smiled. It was a type of warmth that Izaya wasn’t used to seeing but he didn’t want anyone else to see Shizuo this way either. Izaya gave a sigh, “It’s amusing really, the moral of that story. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. You can be as kind as you want but don’t let yourself get hurt. Funny how people let themselves get hurt regardless of it.” 

     Now it was Shizuo’s turn to be quiet. Surprisingly, he listened when Izaya spoke about the story and its moral. It was something he sort of agreed with, but the thought of being too kind regardless of getting hurt left a strange feeling. He thought back on people he had protected and he was the one that would get hurt, perhaps not in the emotional sense of it all but physically. The wounds had never bothered him but to think Izaya would say that, he simply shook his head. “Whatever you say. I don’t think it’s as simple as that because there’s a lot of ways you can get hurt.” He gave a shrug. His words were not as deeply profound as he had wanted them to be but that’s what he thought. There wasn’t anything wrong with getting hurt as long as the person you helped appreciated it, right?

     It was strange to Izaya to be having this kind of conversation with Shizuo. The thought of it made him shake his head and look down at the moonlit field. There was an emotion he wouldn’t admit to feeling, finding it to be a troublesome thing. It was moments like these that Izaya couldn’t stand. How often would this happen? It was almost an electrifying kind of interest, even if he would avoid Shizuo at any given time and in moments like these it was oddly satisfying. “You’re so literal sometimes.” The informant spoke, turning to face Shizuo. Despite how he felt blinded by looking at them, he gave a soft smile.

     Shizuo uncrossed his arms and put them in his pockets. “Literal, huh?” He supposed he could see that and looking at Izaya again, how the moon light seemed to brighten him up in a mystifying glow. Seeing how his eyes almost twinkled, the dizzying feeling returned. It was hard to look at Izaya, but he didn’t know that it was also hard for Izaya to look at him. Something about this brought a feeling of wanting the other all to himself. It was then he noted the tattoo on Izaya’s hand. The moon. It was the opposite of his own. The sun. “Your eyes, they look like they have the stars in them.” 

     Izaya hummed, moving closer to Shizuo bringing his hands to cup his face. Shizuo felt warm and didn’t seem to mind the touch of his hands. He leaned upward, ghosting his lips over the blonds, as his eyes narrowed. “That’s because I pulled down the stars for you.” 

     What? Did he hear that right? Is he feeling this right? Why was izaya, the man he hated most holding his face as if they had always been something more than enemies? This wasn’t right. This wasn’t the Izaya he knew. He felt how his heart had started to race from how close Izaya was. It couldn’t of been anything else. It had to of been the anger building up again. A fight or flight response to this, knowing that Izaya was just going to trick him somehow and get just out of arm’s reach again. 

     “Izaya, what are…?” 

     He didn’t get an answer. The only response he had gotten was a kiss being pressed against his lips. Something about it didn’t feel strange as he tentatively placed his hands around Izaya’s waist quickly finding himself relaxing into it and closing his eyes. It felt uncharacteristically soft, especially compared to how the pair normally was; hard, rough and stabbing. This time, perhaps the only time, it was peaceful, tender  and enchanting.

     It was when Shizuo’s eyes fluttered opened that he saw his ceiling. The dizzying feeling was still there, as if he had been dazed by such a gentle and tender kiss but quickly it was replaced by a feeling of panic. Shizuo sat up, his breath short as he looked at the back of his hand. The tattoo was gone. With the same hand he brought it to his face. “What a stupid dream.” He spoke softly to himself, his free hand clutching on to his bed covers. The thought of it being a dream was frustrating. Why did he have to dream of that bastard?

     In a small fit of rage Shizuo slammed his hand against the wall, uncaring if he broke the drywall even if he regrettable knew that he would have to fix it. He pushed his bed covers off and went to look out his window. It was still dark out and looking at the time it was only 3:43 in the morning. From where he was he couldn’t see the stars.

     I pulled down the stars for you.

     Shizuo tsked, bringing a hand up to brush back his hair as he moved away from the window to sit on the edge of his bed. “The stars, huh?” He looked at his hand now, wondering why he was the sun and Izaya was the moon. Of course, even his dreams had to be cryptic and confusing and it only furthered his frustration. Especially when he thought about Izaya. 

     They were nothing alike and even if there might have been some hidden similarities he would refuse to acknowledge such a thing. He would refuse to think about often he thought of Izaya and for that bastard to show up in his dreams? It had to be Izaya’s fault. 

     “That’s right. It’s that bastard’s fault.” Shizuo grumbled to himself. The thought of going back to sleep almost sounded like a chore. He didn’t want to have that dream again. He didn’t want to experience that peace and tranquility if Izaya was there but in his dream he didn’t find himself hating it. If anything he enjoyed being there with Izaya despite the annoyance he felt around him. Shizuo couldn’t figure out why he could never look at Izaya without that dizzying feeling. 

He brought a hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it to try and relax himself. What was he supposed to do? Pretend he didn’t have a pleasant dream about the one person he hated most? Of course, he did dream of Izaya before but it was nothing like this. All of the other dreams were of them fighting or their days back in high school. This one was different. It was strange and he couldn’t figure out why it was different. There were signs and symbols in his dream but he wasn’t sure what they meant. 

     Defeated, Shizuo gave a shrug and got under his covers again, closing his eyes and began to fall asleep. He chose to ignore this strange dream. It wasn’t going to change anything about their relationship now and he couldn’t bring himself to admit anything that the dream might have shown to be the truth. Shizuo might have made a dream about Izaya in a weird and twisted version of something akin to the feeling of love, but it was just a dream. It wasn’t some hidden desire to connect and be with that guy anyway.

     Besides there was nothing similar between them. The emotion could never be returned in the same way and that was that, even if it left a bitterness in his chest as he fell asleep. 

[espejonight28738]

Disgusting Feelings

You can also read it in A03

At night is when, in Izaya's opinion, the most interesting people are active. That's why he rarely slept at night, and usually he just started his day with a few hours of sleep in the morning. His beloved humans –and his job, for the matter– were far more important than his sleeping schedule.

But there were particular nights like that one, when nothing happened, the forums were dead silence, and therefore he was stuck in his apartment with the only company of his secretary, Namie. He hated these days, because the lack matters to put his attention into made too easy to succumb to merciless and vicious thoughts he didn't want. But it was almost the middle of the night, and he knew of two persons who were having a date in Ikebukuro, and that brought questions that remained unanswered in his head.

And he knew because even if he weren't the best informant of Shinjuku and Ikebukuro, only one event could make Namie as furious as she was. Her dear brother had a date with Harima Mika.

“Tell me, Namie, why do you endure it? You don't have to, but you still do anyway.”

She turned form her desk to look at her boss, but he wasn't looking at him. His eyes were on the enormous window that covered an entire wall, looking at, in her experience, nothing in particular. Just enjoying the hustle of Shinjuku.

She kept quiet, waiting for him to elaborate in his question. That was something he did, throw some important-sounding words and go back to silence for brief time. It was a functioning technique for when he wanted to get information out of someone: you make them nervous, make them think you know more than what you actually do.

Namie knew better than to fall for his tricks.

“I mean your brother. Or to be more precise, the girl he's dating. She's always all over him, and that enrages you, but you don't do anything to stop it. You could get rid of her. You have the contacts, the information, the lack of moral and, with how much I pay you, I'm certain you have the money to do it.” Another pause, probably with the same finality than the first one.” Nothing stops you from getting her out of your way, and no one would ever know, except for probably me.  Seiji would be all yours again. So, what's holding you back?”

And that's how, even when he is the one asking for information, he makes you feel like he saw the bigger picture, like he had the upper hand. So prepotent, she understood why that Masaomi kid always had face of wanting to punch Izaya. If she had to ask help of someone so nefarious, she would also have that attitude.

But an amusing thing, at least in Namie's opinion, was that Izaya would have been capable of deducing the reason, was she anyone else. The problem with Izaya's “brilliant” method of reading people depending of him being an observant, not to be personally involved with the subject of study. That meant that, when he became closer to someone, he lost all perspective.  And even if him and Namie weren't on the best terms, working only the two of them in the same apartment every day for multiple hours would create a closer relationship between most people.

And, normally, the sole mention of her brother would be enough for her to ignore completely what was he saying, in a clear attempt not to get exasperated. But this was different, because this kind of questions were the ones he did in an attempt to understand something that escaped his grasp and, apart from her, there were only other two persons Izaya didn't understood.

Himself.

And Heiwajima Shizuo.

This promised to be interesting.

“Because even if she dies, Seiji would still only love me as a sister, that much wouldn't change. And even if I hate that girl with each fiber of my body, she makes Seiji happy. So, if he can't love me like I love him, then at least I can do what's in my hands to make him happier.” Izaya had yet to turn back to see her, and that's why she left until the end her first move. “My love for him may be a taboo in this society, but at least it isn't poisonous to the recipient”

That cough his attention. Even if just for a second his shoulders stiffened the way they did when he was taken by surprise.

“What are you implying? You know as well as I do that my love for humans have done them no wrong. I just provide the information they ask for and answer the questions they haven't thought of yet. But their actions and the consequences, those are in their entirety their fault. I've never once obligated someone to make a decision.”

It was true, she knew that. And she was another of the hundreds that ended in a less than idoneal situation. Some chose to blame all on Izaya, maybe to feel a little more at ease with themselves, but she knew better than to make someone other than herself responsible for her actions and mistakes.

“I know that. Even if you appear in control, the truth is that you are not. You sell information, maybe plant ideas in someone's head, but they are the ultimate writers of their future. When they think you're the author of all their misfortune, they're wrong. They are idiots. But you are not, and so you know that's not what I'm talking about.”

That, he does was waiting, but still he deigned to turn to see her. That cruel smile and unnerving look, eyes full of the darkest emotions. If Namie believed in demons, she was certain they'd look like that.

“Then enlighten me, Namie, what are you talking about?”

“Heiwajima Shizuo.”

His daunting laughter was all she needed to know she had hit the nail. She decided to ignore the chills that laughter produced her.

“Have you ever tried to be friends with Karisawa Erika? You already have a great conversation starter, your delusions about me and that monster you both seem to believe in.  I'll admit I had you for a more reasonable woman. Who would have guessed I was so wrong about it?”

“I take back what I said, you do are an idiot if you though even for a fraction of second that you could trick me with such a pathetic technique of evasion.”

His smile didn't waver one bit. He knew not to let his expression betray him. This was his game, and no one won him on his game, unless they pressed the right buttons.

She knew which those buttons were.

“But I guess I can understand why you would try to evade the topic. Not even you would take delight in having such a devastating presence that you can't even care for someone without damaging them. Not even you sisters, whom you just took care of because your parents worked all day, saved themselves from your toxicity. Those girls are crazier that most people in a mental institution.”

“That's not true, I've told you I'm as much to blame for how they turned out as I'm to blame about any other thing.” He didn't hesitate, his voice didn't tremble.

“But it is true. You cared for them, and that was more than enough. They looked up on you an ended up like... that. And they will never heal, not even if they like you so little, they would trade you for a photo of Yuuhei Hanejima without giving it a second though.”

She was looking at Izaya's eyes, and even if the rest of his face remained impassible, a clear annoyance begun to fill his eyes.

“Maybe,” she continued, “that's something all the Orihara siblings have in common. An obsession with the Heiwajima's...”

And finally, Izaya started to take seriously the game.

“I have no obsession with Shizu-chan. I don't follow him around, I don't know what's he doing every minute of the day, and I definitely wouldn't try to cover a murder for him. Those conducts are obsessive, and I'd like to point out that is very precise description of your relationship with Seiji.”

He played with turn. He knew what to say, trying to enrage her and make her loose her objective. Smarte, and very effective, but this time it would be pointless.

“No, you don't do those things, because you're worse. You make him follow you around, you have a big archive of his information and refuse to sell even the littlest detail when someone ask, even when you wouldn't hesitate to sell your own parents if that brought you a benefit.” She started to almost spit the words but reminded herself she needed to maintain her composure.

Check.

“I'm doing humanity a favor, that monster must be killed. But you know what? I don't let that ruin my life. I don't do things crazy enough for me to end up a secretary of someone I despise. That would be really pathetic, don't you agree?”

That was low, even for him. Namie made a monumental effort not to hit him right there, but she had gone too far to give up now.

“You're right.” She started. “But you do would end up with a life you hate, fighting with someone you love on a daily basis at first, and then every time you go to Ikebukuro. Does it hurt? Hearing him say you would be better off dead, that you are just a piece of shit?”

Namie kept quiet for a moment, this time to let Izaya knew she was winning.

“How does it feel that the person you love would be happier if you died?”

Checkmate.

That threatening smile finally left his face, and now another one just as cruel was on hers.

“Those are some strong accusations based on... what? That I don't sell information of him? That's as good as nothing. You can't just make up things and hope people fall for it: That's why you are the secretary and I am the informant.”

“Maybe for your business you need more than that, but I don't. I know I'm right, and so do you, so why keep on lying? You started the conversation, so now stick to it. What were you thinking?” She didn't even try to hide the pride on her voice. Even if it wasn't the first time, winning these arguments was rare, and usually it wasn't even worth it to try.

He turned around to look at the window once more, not emitting a word, but at least that meant he had stopped denying it.

And Namie thought of how depressing, sickening and loathsome was the fact that this man in front of her was the closest thing to a friend she had ever had. That definitely make her want to reconsider her life choices.

“Were you asking why Seiji being happy is enough for me, but Heiwajima's happiness isn't enough for you?”

“No, you don't understand, you can't understand.” He started rambling, more desperate that Namie had ever heard him. “It's not that it isn't enough, it's that the mere idea repels me. I need him to be miserable, just when I know I've ruined some aspect of his life can I breathe easily once again.”

It would be a lie if Namie said she was surprised, because she wasn't. She knew all of that, having deduced it long ago. But still, hearing someone say that the actually want the person they love to feel that miserable... In her life, she had seen a lot of twisted feelings, be it in herself or in other, but this was by far the worst she had ever encounter. And that was because she knew that, even if most people would disagree, it does was love.

Because she understood that love didn't have to be selfless, nor did it had to make you happy. It just had to made you passionate –and in most cases obsessive– about it. And, with that in mind, she was surprised no one else had realized Izaya's feelings. Maybe most people just didn't think of him like someone who could feel love, or even emotions in general.

For a moment, she asked herself what expression would be now on his face, and then discarded the question. She didn't want to know, it was probably something too close to human for her like. Even if scientifically terms she knew Izaya was just as human as everyone else, the knowledge that he could be so... fragile to feelings made her uncomfortable. And, exactly for that same reason, the next words that left her mouth were a big mistake.

“What's wrong with you?” Her tone wasn't even bitter, just curious. Because for someone to have those kind of emotions...

This time his laughter was almost in complete silence, and with something close to pain in it.

“My mother asked herself that for decades. In fact, I'm sure she still does. Taking me to psychologist after psychiatrist, she was begging each and every god to give her an answer. It didn't have to be one she liked, she just wanted a reason. Psychopathy, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, even schizophrenia.”

Even if his voice didn't have a particular emotion, Namie was speechless. He never talked about his personal life.

“She's a good woman, and I guess a good mother too. She would have accepted if someone had told her everything was her fault, that she neglected me too much during my early childhood or that it was all an attempt to catch the attention she only paid to her work. She would have accepted any answer, and she would have done anything in her power to make it better and to assure me she would love me no matter what.” Another moment of silence, but this time, Namie thought, was for a completely different reason that before. It was because he didn't know how to tell that story. “The only thing she wasn't ready to hear was the answer every person she took me to give her.”

And she didn't have to think too hard to conclude what that answer was.

“That there was nothing wrong with you.” It wasn't a question, but still she waited for reassurance.

A sight left his lips, and she briefly wondered if everyone would fear him as much if they knew how close he was to his limit.

“Exactly. The night she gave up she cried herself to sleep, not even my father could calm her down. Because they told her nothing was wrong with her son, but she knew something was. Maybe she was right, maybe not. She never took the twins to see someone, she was too afraid of having the same answer and, truth to be told, she knew on some level it was my fault. Anyway, the moment I turned eighteen I left my home, sick of seeing her suffering every time I opened my mouth. She tried to stop me, but my father convinced her that it was for the best, that she wasn't doing me any good by being so depressed all the time.”

And that was the moment Namie realized her mistake, because she didn't want to know any of this. Because it was so... tragic, even she was sympathizing with him, and that wasn't good. Izaya was as bad as it could get, he didn't disserve anyone's sympathy. And still, she didn't have the heart to stop him when he started talking again.

“I still see her once a year. She comes to Shinjuku to hang out with my sisters and me. If I had a choice in the matter, I would have stopped all communication with her, but Mairu and Kururi love her, and they know it would break her heart if she didn't see me. So, they would come and scare off every client that came, and that would be terrible for the business, so I agree to their little pretend game for a day. The twins and I pretend to get on well, because it calms our mother to think that I look after them now that they live alone. Kururi talks a little more, Mairu leaves at home those stupid glasses she doesn't need, and I pretend I'm some kind of private detective or something. She bothers me with how I'm too thin, or why do I have so many scars, but in the end, she pretends to believe everything's okay, because she knows that if she pressures for more, I'm out, and she prefers to at least have her son back with her once a year. Maybe a little selfish, but I'm no one to judge.”

Namie didn't know what to do. She wanted to punch him still, or maybe tell him he's just an asshole, maybe even to leave without saying a word.

But none of that sounded like good options in her head.

Izaya turned again, leaning on the glass, and she expected any expression except from the one of absolute apathy he had. It was as if the story he just told wasn't his at all, and Namie had the horrific realization that he actually didn't care about any of that. At all.

Maybe she was the one wrong, and he really wasn't able to feel emotions or something.

“I can't read your mind, Namie, but if you're thinking I don't have emotions, then I'm afraid you're wrong. I just don't care because none of them are important to me. Yes, I love them, but just as I love every human. I can't love someone more than the others, remember? My family is no exception.”

“I'm thinking all the story is bullshit.” It was a lie, but it was better than not answering at all. If only her voice didn't sound so weak...

“No, you're not. It's just easier for you to think I spawned as some kind of heartless demon, with the only purpose of ruining lives. Giving a story makes me more human in your eyes, it makes you want to understand why I am like this. If I'm not a demon, if I'm not ill, and if it wasn't my parents, why? Well, if you come to a conclusion, feel free to tell my mother.” And with that he left to the kitchen, and Namie heard the coffee machine as she tried to process the surreal scene that just happened in front of her.

She had caught glimpse of Izaya's life, she had heard him talk about the twins (and complaining about Mairu's fake glasses), but nothing like this. She even wondered if he wasn't planning on killing her for knowing too much. It didn't made sense any other way that he allowed her to know so much about him.

He came back with two cups of coffee and gave her one. Maybe, in his particular way, he also considered her a friend.

“Don't you think, Namie, that life would be far better if we didn't have to carry the burden of feelings?” He sat at his desk and pretended to look at the papers on it.

She took a sip of the coffee, and it was horrible. It was ridiculous he couldn't even make coffee right. How had he survived so many years living on his own before her?

“Your feelings are only a burden if you don't know how to deal with them.” She kept drinking the coffee. “At least for you. I'd say your feelings are the biggest burden in Heiwajima's life. He's an idiot, but I don't think he has ever done anything so wrong as to deserve the catastrophic destiny of having to deal with the poison you call love.”

This time there was no laughter at all. And she didn't know why, but she almost preferred when there was. The overwhelming desire of punching him was better than... whatever she was feeling right now.

“No, he hasn't. But I can't let him go, it would be as giving up breathing. You asked how it feels, and it is atrocious. Being stabbed hurt less. I honestly think than being burned alive would be a relief in comparison. But some days the only thing that keeps me going is that pain, the knowledge that that agony means he' still in my life, even if against his will.”

She was starting to feel sick. She started to appreciate the fact that Izaya was liar, that he never let anyone to know what he felt or what was he really thinking.

That was the real favor he was doing to humanity.

Just hearing him was enough for her to feel the need of a bath of hours. She had just heard a tiny fragment of what was going on his brain, and it was enough for her no never want to hear anything else ever again. How could he keep on living being so wrong in the head? She didn't know, but honestly, she didn't care anymore.

She just took her purse, ready to go back home and forget this entire day ever happened. It was the best for her mental health.

“Are you afraid of a little of honesty, Namie? I thought you were the one that was trying to pry into my head in the first place. Did I not meet your expectations?”

She didn't answer, and she didn't look back on her way to the door. He could be left alone with his thoughts, but she wasn't paid enough to deal with them.

And if she heard the beginning of a cry before closing the door, she forgot it with the rest of the conversation that had place that day.

[therainroguefanfiction]

⁂ Take A Chance (Tom Tanaka)

Genre: Slice of Life, Friendship ☁

Word Count: 1,694 ☁

Pairing: Reader x Tom ☁

World: Durarara!! ☁

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You were not a resident of Ikebukuro, living thirty minutes away over in Namimori, but since your cousin lived there, you often visited the city and stayed for several months at a time. Since you started visiting, you had met the headless rider named Celty, the human with monstrous strength, Shizuo Heiwajima, and even the gentle giant that worked for Russian Sushi, Simon Brezhnev.

Through Shizuo, you had met two other people, one whom you felt strange towards and the other one whom you wanted to kill. Tom Tanaka, the debt collector that Shizuo works for, is the one that you feel strange around. From the very first time you laid eyes on the older man, you were hooked like a cheap drug. You couldn’t understand why, but you actually wanted to get close to him, which is a red flag for anyone that knew you. You would never admit to that, though, and kept those feelings to yourself.

Izaya Orihara, the informant from Shinjuku, was the one you couldn’t stand. He was a manipulative bastard that loved to fuck with people and that pissed you off more than anything. You weren’t as obsessed with killing him as Shizuo was, but you sure had no problem doing so if the situation called for it. You hated the bastard, and everyone knew it.

Now, your cousin was Kyohei Kadota, also known as Dotachin, but you weren’t really anything like him. To those who don’t know you, they’d think you were related to Shizuo from the way you acted and the way you treated each other when you were together. You personally don’t see the resemblance, really, but everyone seems to think that. You didn’t really mind, because you liked Shizuo. He was a cool guy and a good friend, plus it was entertaining to see him chase Izaya through the city.

As the time you spent in Ikebukuro lengthened, your feelings for Tom grew stronger and stronger. You didn’t understand it since you didn’t really know anything about him and he didn’t know about you. Besides, Tom was several years older than yourself.

A sigh passed your lips as you slumped over onto the bar, hand wrapped loosely around the empty glass. The ice shifted inside and you sighed again, closing your eyes as you tried to block out the harsh words that rung out inside your head. It was stupid of you to have listened to that bastard Izaya, but it hit home and you couldn’t stop thinking about it. That only succeeded in pissing you off even more.

‘He won’t ever have feelings for you,’ Izaya’s words echoed through your mind, followed by his laughter. ‘He wants a beautiful partner, someone his own age. You’re too ugly, haha!’

“Aren’t you too young to be in a bar?”

Your eyes snapped open and you looked over at the person that now stood beside you, his arms crossed over his chest; Tom, the last person you wanted to see at that moment. You shrugged in response to his question, looking back to your empty glass as the bartender prepared you another drink. “Doesn’t really matter,”

Tom shook his head before sitting next to you, taking the drink the bartender had just sat in front of you. If it were anyone else, you would have kicked their ass off the stool, but Tom was a person you couldn’t touch. He had a power over you that no one else did. He placed the glass to his lips before addressing you softly. “What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think something is wrong?”

He sent you a pointed look. “You never drink unless something is seriously wrong.”

You scoffed and muttered a curse under your breath as you thought back to the bastard and his stupid comments.

“Izaya again?”

You rubbed your thumb against the outside of the glass, enjoying the feel of the cold against your skin. “Yeah. Ran into him about an hour ago… bastard.”

“And? What did he do this time?” Tom shifted to look at you, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. He seemed genuinely interested, so you figured there’d be no harm in telling him. Of course, you had to alter the story a bit so he wouldn’t learn of your feelings…

“I don’t know how, but he managed to find out about the guy that I’m… interested in. He ran into me on the street and happened to bring it up. I guess my shocked expression amused him or somethin’. He started sayin’… he said that I don’t stand a chance. He said that the guy deserved better than a freak like me.” you scowled bitterly, crossing your arms on the bar. “I knew he was right, and that’s what hit the most. He enjoyed the shit. Glad I could be so fucking amusing.”

For several minutes, Tom said nothing, and you didn’t dare look at him. For all you knew, he was agreeing with what Izaya had said. Finally, Tom spoke up, his voice normal but with a softer edge, which surprised you. Tom wasn’t a mean guy, but he wasn’t exactly kind either. He was… tough, but not strict if that makes any sense. “Since when have you ever listened to what Izaya says?”

“I dunno…” you muttered, thoughtfully, glancing at him. “Guess I agreed with him.”

“That’s a first.” he shook his head before moving his hand to rest on top of your own, a smile on his face. “Izaya can’t say that, and neither can you. The only person that can say that is the guy you like. Give it a chance, you may be surprised.”

You watched him as he set money on the counter for both drinks before exiting the bar. His words seemed to wrap around you like chains that you couldn’t break, but you didn’t want to, either. You liked his words, his voice. It was comforting and warm, and it left you wanting more. At that time, you had no clue that the encounter with Tom that night would be where your life slowly started to shift.

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You growled as your hand shot up onto the bedside table, fumbling around for the buzzing object that felt the need to wake you up so early. The caller ID was quickly forgotten as you flipped it open angrily, pressing it to your ear. You expected it to be the annoying bastard Izaya or one of Kyohei’s friends.

“Oi, you up?” Shizuo’s voice greeted you and you felt your eye twitch.

“I am now, you asshat.” you scoffed, turning over to flop onto your back as you threw an arm over your eyes. “What do ya want?”

“I’m busy today,” he paused and the sound of him taking a drag of his cigarette reached your ears. “Can you take my place with Tom today?”

“Eh?” you blinked up at the ceiling, eyes widening as the words sunk in. “You mean help him with his debt collecting? Be his bodyguard for a day?”

“Yeah. Can you do it?”

You stayed silent, chewing on your bottom lip. If it was for anyone but Tom, you would have told Shizuo to fuck off and then go back to bed, but this was for Tom. Could you really say no? Shizuo must have taken your silence as a bad sign, because he spoke up again, his voice holding an annoyed undertone.

“I’ll buy you a pack of cigarettes if you do.”

“And a Dr Pepper?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

A wide grin spread across your lips. Now you could accept the job without any suspicion; you were getting paid, after all. “Yeah, sure. Where should I meet him and when?”

Muffled voices could be heard before he spoke again. “He said he’ll come and pick you up. Should be there in fifteen.”

You groaned in protest before shutting the phone and throwing it onto the bedside table. You were hoping he’d say an hour or somethin’… it was too early for this. Shaking your head, you pushed yourself out of the bed and started to get ready. By the time you were finishing up by fixing the tie around your neck, a knock resonated through the empty apartment – Kyohei had gone out with Togusa and the others about five minutes after you got off the phone, so it was just you left alone in the apartment. You made sure to grab your keys and cellphone before slipping on your boots and opening the door.

Tom greeted you with a smile and the two of you were off.

Throughout the day, you got that strange prickling feeling on the back of your neck like someone was watching you, but every time you looked around, no one was looking in your direction. It was starting to work your last nerve, mainly because you didn’t know why you were feeling that way. You could have said that it was a side effect of being around Tom for too long, but there was no way that was true. Eventually, you managed to ignore the feeling and continued on with the collections.

While Tom was discussing with one of the guys that owed money, you stood back a few feet to give them their privacy and you couldn’t help but hear the whispers of the passing women who talked about you and Tom as if you were an item. Apparently, they had seen you together for most of the day and had come to the conclusion that you were dating each other. If only that were true.

“Y/N?”

You snapped out of your daydream, shifting your gaze away from the chattering females to the man that had called your name. “Sorry. You finished?”

He nodded and you started toward the next job. “Thank you for filling in for Shizuo, I know it was sudden.”

You shook your head and waved him off before stuffing your hand into your pocket. “It’s not a problem, really.” you wouldn’t say it out loud, but just being together with him was payment enough. It was worth the fact that you lost out on several hours of well-deserved sleep.

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