#also just the thought that caleb has at least a few years of relationship experience

[dent-de-leon]

Forever thinking about Caleb being so charming and sweet, he manages to even fluster Mollymauk--

[missing-a-place-ive-never-been]

so i just finished campaign 2

in 6 months pretty much to the fucking day. and what a half a year it was. i don't know how to write down how much i love these characters, just... watching them evolve from the very beginning of the journey was just so special. i started campaign 1 in the briarwood arc (and i honestly should probably rewatch that just bc i was so confused about what was happening still at that point) and i loved seeing these characters from their first meeting as a group and how their experiences and relationships formed them into the people they were a year(-ish??) later.

Although c3 is the one that got me hooked and will always be special bc of that, and c1 felt more of a idk how to say it a story because of the separation and a more clear path (going from the briarwoods to the dragons to vecna just felt more natural to me instead of what mostly felt like side quests next to the war storyline and the lucien storyline), i feel the most connection as a group with m9. their individual development but also their group dynamic in which each of them felt like an integral part to the story and all were important to each other and had special moments together... idk something so very compelling and i will be thinking about them for a long fucking time.

As for the numbers, this means that on average i spend over two and a half hours a day for the past half a year watching critical role and i honestly cannot say i regret it. i don't know if i will ever play d&d myself as i think cr has set such a high bar of expectations and i don't really know the right people for it (at this moment) but i have grown to see the value in role playing games. though the stories might be fantasy, the emotions these people bring to the table each week is are just raw and real and have made me work through some of my own issues, i can't even imagine the impact on their own lives throughout all of it.

in the end, i would have loved to see more of essek and caleb interacting. liam and matt's interactions in the final part of 141 broke me and made me yearn for more. i haven't seen the wrap up of the reunion eps yet but at least for the reunion i don't think we see essek until the last few moments, which is bittersweet; while we don't see it directly play out, we get a good glimpse into their combined futures and i think that open ending does leave for a lot of own interpretation (and def a lot of great fan art!). overall, the characters i enjoyed most were caleb (i adore liam and his faithful representation of a bisexual disaster) and jester (do i need to explain? wonderfully chaotic and the kind of enjoyment of just life and its beauty i admire and aspire to), but even the characters i had less of a personal connection with (for me ford) i really loved for their interactions and relationships with the others.

i laughed and cried so much while experiencing this campaign, and i am just feeling full with love for the cast and crew and their incredible work and play. this is just a rambling of my thoughts at the moment and kind of a time capsule for myself, but if you are a critter and read all of it, thank you to you as well <3 the community (i mostly only interact with the one on tumblr) makes the experience def more valuable and i'm happy we're on the same journeys together!

[dgdraws]

My art year in review!

I learned so much this year and made a ton of cool stuff! These are my favorites from each month, but it was so hard to choose. A lot of stuff didn't even get posted--I'll be sure to at least post the ones that made it to this list!

It's amazing to see how much I've changed and learned over this year, and to see the things that are emerging as part of "my style."

Here's to another year of delight, creation, connection and fun!

Some monthly reflections beneath the cut, but here's the highlights:

I participated in 3 art challenges, Artfight, OC-tober and Huevember.

I made fanart for the first time!

I created a piece I conceived of before I started drawing

Made some big breakthroughs in techniques and skills in April, July and November

January: My first branch into full character design, Rodd is the culmination of training on Hero Forge renders to make dnd portraits! I was doing this cool thing with neon rim lighting, I should bring that back!

February: I saw a piece on here with this amazing glowing effect, so I color picked it and experimented to figure out what relationship between the colors was making it do that! The answer was saturation. This rose is meant to be glowing from within, and I think I did a good job for my knowledge level at the time! As Chuck Tingle would tell us, it's beautiful because only I could have made it in that moment on the timeline.

March: I spent a million years on every detail of this one, it has at least 5 clipping overlay/saturation layers for lighting, multiple line work groups and I want to rework that background but! I never felt more accomplished than I did when I finished this one. I learned a lot, especially about things I could skip or simplify. And the symbolism really pops off ngl

April: I read Gideon the Ninth for the first time this month and I immediately needed to draw Jeannemary Chatur, Cavalier of the Fourth House, the worst teen to do it. She's the first fanart I ever made and posted! I also discovered a new pen tool with this one, which CHANGED THE GAME.

May: This one is an idea I had written down before I ever picked up the tablet and stylus. I thought I might commission someone to make it, the image of it came to me so clearly during our VTM session I just had to make it real somehow. Well I did it! This is one I will come back to redraw in like 5 years bc I love the concept so much. Also rife with symbolism and inside nods to the Low Kings.

June: I made a bunch of ref sheets in the run-up to Artfight in July. Caleb hadn't even been in my plans to upload, but I had time and inspiration! I will be uploading this and a few more of him <3

July: This is one of my faves from Artfight! This character is Blueberry, by way of OrchidEatsBread on artfight. I have still never played... rainworld? But I love me a slug cat. In July I drew a TON of people, it really drilled anatomy basics into me and how to get clothes looking like actual clothes a bit more. Also solidified some things I would consider "my style" at the moment, like no irises, and my approach to noses and mouths and fingers!

August: Another fanart for the Locked Tomb series, I never posted this!!! Will be rectifying that soon.

September: I got really into javascript and css this month, and I made this to be a landing page image on my neocities website XD I'll get back around to that eventually...

October: At the last minute, I discovered OC-tober and the prompts from @/bweirdart, a worthy follow up to the rush of Artfight two months previous. I developed so much stuff for the Low Kings, including this drawing/character, Amayah/Girl-Z, who has been a figment of my pintrest board for 2+ years.

Huevember: Chasing that OC-tober high, I found Huevember! I did not expect to actually do every day, but it proved to be an amazing exercise! I learned so, so much about color, discovered amazing new brushes and techniques and found I really enjoy working in those one day capsules! I loved a lot of the stuff that came out of this month, including my highest note post ever!!!, but this one is still my phone background and I'm maybe developing an OC world around it. We'll see what happens in 2024.

December: I got hit HARD with the writing bug this month, so this was my only choice for this month but I WOULDA CHOSEN IT ANYWAY. I unlocked something here that I'm really excited to visit again, in fact I'm working on a companion piece rn! This is also fanart btw, prepare for me to get even weirder about this guy in the coming months.

If you've read this far, thank you so much! I have so much fun writing these little reflections and making my posts on here.

xoxo, wren

[lighthousegod]

Hello and welcome to my rant from my time on Stranger Things Steddie and Friends Twitter for the past few months.

K I'm really pissed but its fine I wrote this all before the poll thing. Now I just. Can't get rid of it. (Me at tumblr headquarters right fucking now)

Anyway. Sorry for the interruption.

The fact that I've seen several ST fans claim most people who like steddie are fetishizing them is already shitty, but what makes it even more shitty is that they focus on them being two white cis guys fetishized by "white girls".

To reference the two white cis guys first, yeah, you got me there. That really is all those two are in the show. And if you wanna talk representation, well shit! Let's do it! Out of the main cast, we have 3 people of color: Lucas, Erica, and Argyle. Lucas is much too young to be in a relationship with either of them and already has one of his own, and Erica is ten years old. Now, I love Argyle, but he was written to be a comic relief character that had no arc and never met either of them. I think that's a wasted opportunity, Eduardo is great and would've done well as a fully fleshed out character, and there is a conversation to be had about whether that character would've been received the same way Eddie was being a white guy. But the thing is, he was never even CAST as a character who could be compared with Eddie- again, his whole character was "funny stoner." THAT is fucked, and people have definitely decided to ignore that fanon. In fact, Jargyle has become a pretty well known ship! Weirdly enough, the content I've seen of them has majorly been from people who also ship steddie! It isn't as popular as Steddie, though, and I don't think that's ONLY bc of half of the ship has less lore than eddie. There definitely is at least some internal bias us white queer folks should take into account when considering what ships we focus on in media.

However, I don't think that's why it's being brought up. I don't think I read tweets from lesbians with she/her in their bios condemning all us steddie ppl who just ship it because "they're two white guys we can fetishize for being in an mlm relationship" bc they're trying to be good allies. That COMPLETELY disregards that transmasc and nonbinary people (ESPECIALLY transmasc people of color) make a BIG chunk of the steddie fandom. Crazy, it's almost like Eddie was written to represent an outcast and literally GOT TARGETED BY CHRISTIANS and a bunch of people in marginalized communities related to his struggles! Except oh, yeah, that'd exactly what happened. And yeah, okay, he's a white guy and it IS pretty shitty that they cast a white dude to represent outcasts in general, but the people talking shit are watching the SAME DAMN SHOW that has a huge fucking cast and still has minimal representation. Fuck, man, Caleb McLaughlin has faced SO MUCH hate from assholes "fans" as the only black main character. Why the hell are people using that very real issue to back their shitty arguments against a gay ship on twitter?

Again, I wanna preface that 90% of these kinds of comments come from lesbians and bisexual people with she/her or she/they in the bio. I thought yall were COOL with the gay and trans people. Yall ARE queer people. Some of them were even big Ronance or Rovickie fans! YALL. WHY IS FRIENDLY FIRE ON??

A lot of this argument is backed by claims that steddie fans ignore canon queer rep, too, and I just don't understand that.

I know. Robin is representation. I am SO HAPPY to have her, and I'm so happy that Maya pushed for it, and as a transmasc person who was not out at the time and likes girls, I felt very seen when watching her coming out scene with Steve. However, I know I don't fully understand the lesbian experience as someone who likes guys too. I know Robin means a lot to wlw fans, especially lesbians. There have been instances where steddies have co-opted that scene to make it about steddie, and that is not okay. (I've never SEEN this happen, but I've seen people talk about it. All the steddie guys on Twitter that I follow were making it pretty clear that that was not cool and pretty fuckin lesbiphobic. I agree, whoever did that, fuck them. Wlw and specifically lesbian wlw relationships have very little rep and Netflix canceled all their shows and it's super fucked.) But besides this, I actually see a LOT of steddie fans who very much love Robin's character. Most of the steddie artists and fic writers I know are also ronance, rovickie, and/or Buckingham creators. A lot of them are wlw themselves!

//I should also note that Will is canonically gay now and I'm super excited, but truly, I just don't see as much appeal in byler because they're so much younger than me now. I totally love Will as a character, and I was around the kids' ages when the first season came out, but I'm in college now. I relate a lot more to the older kids! I'm real happy to have will as mlm rep and I hope he gets his moment in s5. I just didn't latch onto him and Mike the way I did Steve and Eddie! We all got preferences and that's fine.//

All this to say, I'm just so tired of Twitter, man. I just saw a post about how many cis women who claiming its "ableism" to say they have to be around anyone who identifies as masculine, including queer men, queer mascs, cis men of color, butch lesbians, etc. And I've seen a lot of that lately too. It's just so weird to see someone who identifies as a queer woman talk shit abt a steddie fan with a hellcheer shipper.

(man I can't even get into that rn. Chrissy and Eddie shippers in ST fandom are a whole other bout of drama. I've seen steddies be pretty nasty on the issue toward bi women who ship that bc of age difference, which I never really understood because eddie has no confirmed age?? Like idk how he can be a super senior AND 17 on his missing poster but whatever, I'm not stressing abt that as long as you dont make them have a weird age gap on purpose. Hell, I even thought they were love interests at first, too. But DAMN I've seen some hellcheer people that hate steddie. None of this justification type shit either, they just say "it doesn't make sense" and "I'm scared of steddie" and "they ruined the fandom and eddies character" like bro that's literally homophobia. like oogily boogily gay people jumpscare homophobia. So I just don't talk to those guys usually.)

Whatever abt the straight ppl tho they're never gonna get my weird gay stuff. But what SUCKS is when it's other gay people saying this stuff. Like what about mlm wlw solidarity man? Why do I gotta see a rovickie stan and a hellcheer girl talking abt how steddie shippers are all misogynistic and hate women?? Esp when so many are transmasc?? It's getting weird and TERF-y and I just. I wish we were cool again. ST is abt outcasts at the end of the day, it's why we root for them and relate to them. There aren't even a lot of queer people from the 80s around because of the kinda hatred people like us face. Not to mention racism, ableism, misogyny, all of it. For centuries. The people up top all hate us. We gotta have each other's backs and twitter is making us INSANE instead. God.

Anyway I'm gonna go watch the mandalorian now later losers.

[mariethiessen]

Marie’s story leading up to moving overseas

When Caleb and I were dating he said to me, "a desire I have had since I was a teenager is to teach at a international school overseas for at least a year" I loved that dream, but at the time wasn't ready to fully embrace it because I needed some stability and predictability in my life due to some of my past struggles. Therefore, we put it on the back burner of our minds, but still held it dearly.  

When Caleb and I got married, it was clear one of the main reasons God brought us together was because our serving gifts complimented each other beautifully! We began serving kids together at an inner-city program for addictions and complex trauma (finding freedom & React) and it became evident Caleb was exceptional at playing physical games with kids and teaching them intellectually! Me, on the other hand, I loved connecting, relating, talking to them about feelings, emotions, life, God, and comforting them as they wiggled their way into my heart. Seeing how together, we could meet the holistic needs of children was exciting, but at that time it was still unclear how God would use these gifts together in the future.  

Through some of my own past struggles I was very familiar with painful feelings of abandonment, struggles with change, unhealthy coping and unhealthy relationships. This created deep wounds within me that thankfully I’ve worked very hard to heal through my time at Finding Freedom / React!  Despite the brokenness this created, it also birthed something so beautiful in me! It created a desire to be very Intune with kids' emotional needs, a deep desire for them to have a healthy attachment, to totally accept them and “get them” and “understand what makes them tick.” God has poured so much intense love into my heart for kids that I just need to let it spill over 😊  

A few years ago, I began feeling a deep longing in my counselling work to do more with children / youth in a team setting, but there weren’t many opportunities in my current role. This longing grew, and I sat with it for a long time, I could sense God was getting me ready for a change, but I still was not sure what it was! As I tried to discern what God wanted for me, I pursued many different avenues (potentially working with kids at youth for Christ, doing a youth trauma program with REACT, and other counselling jobs) and ALL the doors ended up being closed, which, in the moment was confusing, but in the big picture, I interpreted all of that as God’s sovereignty.  After lots of wrestling, discernment, a solo road trip retreat, prayer and long talks with Caleb and church supports, God grew the seed of counselling children overseas that was planted in my heart back in 2012 when He and I met!  

A school in South East Asia had been reaching out to Caleb a few different times over the past decade, and so we thought this would be a good time to respond and see if there were still needs. And what would you know??!! The school is constantly in need of quality teachers and THE SCHOOL DOESN’T HAVE A COUNSELLING THERAPIST!  Wow, this sure seemed like an answer to prayer and an open door for us, so after many vulnerable chats with our small group, friends, God, mentors, and church leaders, we boldly decided to pursue it!  

Feeling settled in marriage and with Caleb's cross-cultural experience as a child growing up overseas, I know Caleb will be just the partner I need to pack up our lives, move overseas, and love on these kiddos!  I have also worked through a lot of my past Complex Trauma issues, so I am no longer run-on fear like I used to be when big changes or decisions came my way! Having children has also reawakened a lot of my desires for curiosity, connection, & community that were extinguished due to some struggles in my past; I have now become more in touch with others needs and the world around me and have less of a pull to withdrawal to my safe little world of predictability. All that to say, I feel I have the stability I need to be courageous & spread my wings a little more, and I feel I have grown enough to get to the point to be able to do this! Amazing!  

I can't believe we have this opportunity to go and help kids in this way! I'm very excited to learn about different cultures and get to know multi-cultural kids, pour myself deeply into the emotional, spiritual and relational lives of children and youth and love on them like crazy!

I am also very excited to serve together with Caleb and care for the same children / youth and see how fruitful that could be!  

I have found in my life that when people care and invest in me emotionally, it opens me up deeper in my relationship with God! The possibility of doing this in a Christian International school ignites my heart, and your partnership with us will help us fulfill this vision and passion God has led us to!  

My heart is overflowing with gratitude for your interest, care, and love for our little family which will extend into the lives of these precious students!  

Humbled & Honored,

Marie  

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

So... I have a lot of thoughts on the finale. I've deliberately kept my mouth shut, more or less, on the campaign overall because I'm a firm believer that you can't pass judgement -- at least not complete judgement -- on stories until they're over and done with.

Well, it's done! Kind of crazy. I've been watching Critical Role with almost insane consistency, viewing almost every single episode live, with maybe five-ish exceptions, since episode 19, and I've been blogging it for, what, two and a half years?

It's a weird feeling. It's been such a constant thing for me that I'm always gonna have love for it and remember with a lot of fondness.

...Which is in spite of the fact that I can now comfortably say I'm pretty eh on the ending. I know not being positive about something most of us have loved a lot for a very long time can sting a bit, but I personally think it also stings when people relentlessly crow over how good they think it is or want it to be, to the point where you feel you can't voice your absolutely valid upsets or dissatisfactions. So, here goes, if anyone's interested! I'd be curious to see other opinions, too!

I actually drafted a post talking about my overall frustrations with the campaign a whole two weeks ago, and then scrapped most of it when 140 blew me out of the water. I was really touched, and really happy. I hadn't expected it, but it shockingly felt right, you know?

Unfortunately 141 robbed me of most of that satisfaction and brought me right back to neutral.

The blanket statement you have to make, of course, is that you can’t criticise this as a DnD game, and you can’t be mad at the cast for playing it in a way they think is best for them. They’re the players, Matt’s the DM, and in the end it makes no sense for them to try to make themselves act how they think the audience wants them to, and I’m sure most of the audience wouldn’t like the result anyway.

That said, there is an audience. And that’s where I see this clash coming in. As a DnD game, as long as the players and DM have all enjoyed it and been satisfied, it’s a successful game! But for us, it’s not a DnD game. For us, we’re watching a story be written in real time through the medium of an RPG. And while as a DnD game you can’t fault it, as a piece of media, I completely get why the way things have gone has sat weirdly for a lot of people.

It's not satisfying to see so many character hooks dealt with so quickly or left as an offscreen "and then you do it." If they don't want to keep playing to dive into it, absolutely, but for us who have been watching this as a story with all these character elements get so built up, it's a huge anti-climax.

Which is a lot of what this campaign has been, really.

Oh, Nott’s cursed! But through a really cool character moment that problem is completely taken care of with no consequences we see. Yay, I want her to be Veth and that was an iconic move from Jester! Still, it kind of feels like this was built up to be a big problem and at the first success it was let go... Caleb's got a really intense frightening past he tries to hide, I wonder how the Mighty Nein will respond? Oh, they found out, but it's not a difficult revelation for anyone. Looks like it's easy for them to move past it and forgive. Yeah, that's healthiest for the characters, but huh, kinda undercuts it as a storyline or point of interest. Oooh, Avantika’s back! Ah, they’ve killed her and grabbed the eye again. I mean I don’t want them to die or for Uk’otoa to be free, but I’m starting to feel like that’s not much of a threat anyway. The Traveler’s been kidnapped! Nah he hasn’t, he tried to save Jester so he was let go with no further issue, and also he wasn’t actually in any danger anyway. Oh... Cool. So... Why should I care or be worried?

And these are just the biggest ones I remember being kind of let down by. I wanted to see them STRUGGLE for the successes to have meaning. To my view, threats of failure -- real failure -- really decreased the more the campaign went on, with a few exceptions.

Because don't get me wrong, we've definitely had struggles, and those have made for some of the best moments! Molly’s death, Yasha’s kidnapping, Yeza’s imprisonment. When failures that were threatened are allowed to occur, it’s far more gratifying when it’s followed by success, because you understand that that success was actually necessary. It shows us that what they do really means something.

Honestly, that's why the final battle really shut me up, because nothing makes you quite feel stakes and failure like having two PCs die, and having a resurrection ritual fail -- AND knowing that failure would be delivered on, had it not been for a seemingly miraculous roll of the dice to turn it around. One of the greatest failure's -- Molly's death -- made the success of his resurrection put a lot of my other issues to rest immediately, because to be honest? Molly's resurrection was the biggest success of the campaign, exactly because it was originally the biggest failure.

But this episode, we got to see the other side of making threats and successes feel disappointing -- when you get the impression that success was robbed from you. Again, their characters, their choices, but to have them roll an intervention to get Molly's soul, to convince Molly to come back with his own possessions they've so loved, after so long and so many struggles... only to apparently not get Molly at all?

Changed, of course. Memories, maybe he'd never get them back, though that seems inconsistent to how the initial resurrection was played and Matt's hints. It even makes sense that not having his memories and being a bit different, he might forge a new identity, but insisting Molly was a different person entirely after such a supposed hard won success to get Molly back, especially after what his death meant to the audience and potentially healing that old wound? It robs the narrative of a LOT of catharsis, at least for me and I know many others.

Trent, too, I'm very up and down on. He was so built up -- and what fun that build up had -- and I very much disagreed with the idea that the best story would be dealing with him offscreen.

It's true that you don’t need to explicitly address, confront, or explore every big aspect of character's story hooks and background ties for PCs to move past them and grow healthily. But that does not make it a satisfying viewing experience. People quietly healing in real life is healthy. People quietly healing in an explosive fantasy setting is frustrating for the audience.

What on earth is the point of a story if you don’t get to SEE THE ESTABLISHED CONFLICTS go anywhere? A lot of the characters got distant, quiet resolutions, if that, to everything we wanted to see.

Except, we did get to see Trent. It was a really fun, inventive battle, from opening to conclusion, but much like Travelercon, much like Nott's/Veth's problem with the hag, these were things that the audience in general wanted to see be really dug into and explored, and every single one of them got, in my opinion, quickly tidied up instead. Trent got beaten in the first and only proper battle they had with him, which, after all his build up, is pretty disappointing for a villain many of us wanted to see be a big deal. It really just felt like they were trying to tidy up to get on with the epilogue, which is not what a lot of us were looking for with Trent especially.

And that's how most of their endings felt to me. It didn't feel like any of them had reached a comfortable conclusion. Literally all of them, bar Veth and Caduceus, continued on their character journey threads, without each other and very quickly. Meeting Yasha's tribe and Vandran, Caleb finally openly debating changing time for his parents, Trent and Zeenoth's trials and the changing of the guard at the Assembly... All were things it would have been so fun to have all the PCs react to and explore together, and instead they were fleeting encounters in the latter half of a seven hour finale.

Is all this, from Molly not really coming back to Trent being a finale side plot to the Nein continuing on their individual journeys, potentially realistic to how these fantastical things might go down in real life? Sure! But that's not necessarily a good thing.

Stories THRIVE on conflict and resolution. That’s what makes them FUN! Conflict isn’t nearly so fun in real life and resolutions are often frustrating question marks, so no, past a certain point I don’t WANT stories to be realistic. I want stories to be SATISFYING.

And campaign 2 has fallen far short of the mark.

I haven’t spoken... Basically a word of this for most of the campaign, because as I said I’m a firm believer that you can’t necessarily judge something until it’s over, and because I ALSO firmly believe that being negative WHILE trying to enjoy something is counterproductive. I have had no interest in spoiling or naysaying the fun of the campaign for anyone, least of all myself.

But it's done now, and all I can say is... I really have had fun. I love the characters. I love their relationships. I’m pretty okay with where they’ve ended up. I’m not mad, really, and I’m still going to think of this campaign with a lot of affection. But it hasn’t been a satisfying story, even though for a week following episode 140 I thought, despite all the brushed over story threads, it might be.

So... to try and reclaim some of that satisfaction for myself, I might ignore some aspects of the finale proper. Namely Kingsley specifically. Taliesin's choice -- but to me, it's pretty clear that who we saw at the end of 140 was Molly, and the tags on my posts will reflect that, just as my 141 tags will be for both Kingsley and Molly, for clarity's sake. I personally want to believe Molly did come back, however others might want to interpret it. The victory in 140 that meant so much to me is hollow otherwise, and it just kind of hurts that we would lose Molly after everything. I was okay with him being dead -- I'm not so okay with his resurrection being stolen.

Kingsley will always be canon, but Molly is what I choose to acknowledge. I get if you don't like that take, and that's okay! I didn't care for canon's in the end. That's the good thing about storytelling, is that no one can stop you from making your own versions.

For the people who are hopefully hyped for campaign 3, heck yeah have fun! I’m on the fence. My investment, which... I think I can objectively say was pretty substantive as this blog will attest, doesn't feel rewarded, so I’m not convinced I can faithfully keep up for over three years all over again with a strong possibility that I will once again be left disappointed. It's been a huge chunk of my life, and... yeah!

I’ll take a break, probably, view (and liveblog, if people want!) campaign 1 when I’ve had a mental stretch and vacation, and then... I might start campaign 3. I definitely won’t be able to put the same time in it I did campaign 2 (my first love no matter what), knowing that it’s likely to not be so vindicated, in the end.

I swear I’m actually writing this in fairly good humour, but I totally get its always disappointing when the people you come to for fandom enjoyment just aren't sharing your fun. Honestly I’m half tempted to write all those frigging AUs I have sitting around! But I wanted to say my piece, and try and logically outline why this ending has been lacklustre for so many people, ultimately myself included.

Episode 140 felt right because it felt like a natural conclusion -- these disparate people coming together and finally being whole, finally soothing the hurt that MADE them so long ago. Episode 141 spat on that sentiment -- they all scattered to the winds, not as happy people to live out their dreams, but as confused people chasing up loose threads towards an unknown future, with the friend they thought returned still lost to them, ultimately.

It doesn't feel like the ending we should have gotten for the Mighty Nine, who were finally, finally all together. Until they weren't. So to me? I choose to acknowledge that they were, even if I have to force it to happen post-epilogue in my head.

[mercerislandbooks]

For the Love of the Rom-com

While I read across genres in the Young Adult section, I have a soft spot in my heart for the rom-com. Though this genre might come across as light and fluffy, in actuality the form is able to take on topics as varied as mental health, identity, immigration, racism, and grief, to name only a few. Sure there’s romance, escapism, and happy endings, but what kept me picking up one YA rom-com after another in the last month was the window into the lives of each protagonist. More than ever I’m seeing #ownvoices authors tell stories that reflect their particular experience with the characters that they hadn’t seen in novels as young people. In turn I get a glimpse into a life different than my own and subsequently widen my world view. Here’s a collection of some of my recent reads!

Counting Down With You by Tashie Bhuiyan

The debut novel from this Bangladeshi American author (and the first novel I’ve read by a Bangladeshi American) takes the fake dating trope and turns it into a thoughtful exploration of expectations across cultures. Karina Ahmed is a high school junior buckling under the weight of Bangladeshi parental expectations and coping with anxiety largely on her own. They want her to be a doctor. She secretly longs to be an English teacher. When her parents take a month-long trip back to Bangladesh, leaving Karina and her younger brother in the care of their grandmother, Karina is looking forward to a much needed break. But her quiet month is almost immediately disrupted when, through a series of circumstances, she is roped into pretending to be Ace Clyde’s girlfriend, Midland High School’s bad boy. As the two slowly get to know, appreciate, and, of course, fall for each other, they also encourage and call out each other’s strengths. Bhuiyan movingly portrays the complex experience of a Bangladeshi American female teen, trying to meet the expectations of her more traditional parents, navigate managing her anxiety, dealing with the double standard of her gender within her culture, and learning to stand in her own power.

Tokyo Ever After by Emiko Jean

Given this cover, I expected something totally different from what the pages held. The main character of this “lost princess found” novel is anything but sweet and demure, the impression I had from the cover. Japanese American Izumi (Izzy) Tanaka is living her best average life with her single mother in the small Northern California town of Mt. Shasta. When she finds out that her previously unknown father is actually the crown prince of Japan, her world turns upside down. Once this knowledge goes public, Izzy is whisked away to Japan to get to know her father and become acquainted with the rest of her family. Having always felt out of place as one of the few minorities in her town, Izzy is hopeful that she’ll finally find a place where she belongs. But life at court is more complicated than Izzy can imagine, and she finds that in Japan she’s too “American.” Izzy’s voice is suffused with humor, so even as she struggles to fit in, her inner monologue made me laugh out loud. A slow burn romance with a hot bodyguard, backstabbing cousins, and relentless paparazzi shenanigans only add to the delicious fun. There’s talk of a sequel in 2022!

Better Than The Movies by Lynn Painter

The premise of girl uses boy next door, with whom she (seemingly) shares a mutual dislike, to get to the boy she crushed on in childhood that has just moved back to town manages to squeeze in a slew of rom-com tropes with witty breeziness. Liz makes a deal with boy next door Wes that she will relinquish the parking spot they feud over daily if he will help her get a date to Prom with childhood crush Michael. Of course it ends up being more complicated than that. Liz is confident and comfortable in her own quirky skin, but is also still dealing with the grief of losing her mother, which seems to be hitting her more sharply as all the “lasts” of senior year are happening. Spending time with Wes in her efforts to get close to Michael, Liz realizes that maybe she doesn’t hate him as much as she thought she did. Movie lovers will appreciate that each chapter is headed by quotes from the rom-coms that Liz obsesses over. I appreciated the balance of snarky banter with an honest portrayal of the complicated relationship Liz has with her grief.

Love in English by Maria E. Andrew

I’d been meaning to read Love in English for months and finally picked it up. Ana and her mother have recently moved to New Jersey from Argentina to join her father, who’s been living in the United States for some time. In Argentina, Ana thought her English was pretty good, but finds that navigating high school in America is a daily struggle in understanding her classmates and teachers. Andrew uses blocks of ##### to show the parts of conversations Ana misses, drawing the reader into her confusion and frustration. Reading this novel, I was reminded of when my family hosted a Japanese exchange student in high school, and the hours she spent translating her homework from English to Japanese. Reading what it was like for Ana, I had a glimpse into what it might have been like for Miki, and it made me admire her, and all the people who come to the United States not knowing the language. I’m certainly not proficient in any other language than English. The short chapters are interspersed with Ana’s handwritten ESL journal entries, musings on the confusions of the English language and poems that play with varieties of word meanings. Ana is attracted to a cute boy in her math class, Harrison, but also bonds with fellow ESL student Neo, who is from Greece. While romance is a central thread in the story, what I found most compelling was the portrayal of what it’s like to live in a place where the ability to communicate and comprehend is limited. Ana’s perseverance and curiosity in the face of that challenge is inspiring.

The Quantum Weirdness of the Almost-Kiss by Amy Noelle Parks

Last but not least I decided to continue my theme of YA rom-coms in my current audiobook and cued up The Quantum Weirdness of the Almost-Kiss. Set at an elite boarding school for math and science prodigies, this is a dual POV narrative Evie and Caleb, best friends since childhood. Evie is one of the few females at their prestigious school, and excels in math and physics, but hasn’t shown any interest in the opposite sex until new guy Leo catches her eye - with his physics proof. When Evie decides romance might be worth exploring with Leo, Caleb has to figure out how to be supportive, despite the fact that he himself is also secretly in love with Evie. Alternating chapters between Caleb and Evie’s POV mean that we get to see what’s going on internally for both of them as Evie embarks on her first relationship with Leo, Evie and Caleb team up for a national physics competition, and the course of love takes twists and turns. While there is plenty of swoony romance, I also loved the way that Evie has grown to learn to live with her anxiety and how she sets the boundaries she needs to take care of herself while also pushing herself beyond her comfort zone. Parks does an excellent job of making the all the math and physics approachable for the layperson.

There are many more YA rom-coms to choose from in the Teen section, so stop by and see what catches your eye!

— Lori

[juliathephantom]

JATP Fanfic Recs: Multichapter Edition

* indicates complete

'Stupid Cupid, Stop Hitting On Me' by Bluefire510

Juke

Luke, a troublemaker cupid, meets Julie, who is also one of Love HQ's toughest cases to crack.

She claims to have no desire to fall in love.

But Luke is always up for a challenge.

Let's see if he could get Julie to fall for her Perfect Match by next Valentine's Day.... and maybe teach her all about love while he's at it.

*Operation Hashtag Rulie by where_you_go

Reggie/Luke/Julie

“Explain yourselves,” Caleb ground out.

“Uh…it’s not what it looks like?” Reggie tried, wincing.

“Oh really, Reginald? Because it looks like two of my most popular band members from a family-friendly band are fornicating in public!”

-

Julie and Reggie get caught up in a PR misunderstanding that leads to them "dating" for a few months. It's not a big deal, or at least it wouldn't be, if Luke would stop acting so weird.

*Unexpected by Phantom_Lover

Luke is determined to breeze through his senior year and onto mega stardom (which means avoiding school, and Principal Lessa, as much as possible). That is until he's forced to work side-by-side with quiet good-girl, Julie Molina, on the big end-of-the-year talent show. The two struggle to see eye to eye, and meeting the all-important deadline seems impossible until something unexpected happens between them.

keys to the cage (and the devil to pay) by HearJessRoar

Juke, Willex

Julie Molina has always thought it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate.

Unfortunately, she's right.

"Julie, Julie Patterson, I'm a maid here in the governor's household," she bluffs. And she wishes that Luke's name hadn't been the first that she'd come up with, because the long-haired pirate's eyebrows raise immediately.

"Luke got married?" he says, sounding oddly betrayed.

His blonde companion looks equally gutted. "He didn't even tell us."

Piss Off Your Parents (Date Me To Scare Them) by TheNameIsBritney

Willex

Alex Mercer doesn't want to go home for Christmas; but if he has to, he's certainly gonna raise a little hell. Enter: Willie, the cute guy in his history of English class who would be the perfect fake boyfriend candidate.

So if you wanna piss off your parents, date me to scare them, show them you're all grown up. If long hair and tattoos are what attract you, baby then you're in luck.

*i'll hold your music (here inside my hands) by musicals_musicals

"Your soulmate must love music just like you do”

Julie is 3 years old, enthusiastically playing a small plastic piano, the first time she sees her string.

It makes sense that music would connect her to her soulmate.

or

How Julie finds her way back to music, joins a band, falls in love, and meets Luke Patterson (not necessarily in that order)

*a masterpiece in motion, more beautiful every day by fairylightsandrainydays

Willex, Juke

Alex Mercer is a merboy with a fascination for the human world. Willie is a prince who he saves from a storm. And Caleb Covington is the sea witch who is going to make Alex's dream come true.

So long as Caleb gets what he wants.

*days go by and seasons change (lets try again next winter) by itsagamefortwo

Juke

julie's ready for a year away from home, studying and trying to re-find the magic in music. luke's about to start on a summer tour around europe opening for a band. they meet one night, sparks fly and emotions run high. now they've just got to try and see if they can maintain a long distance friendship.

Who Could Deny These Butterflies? by xxPrettyLittleTimeBombxx

Juke

“I know this is going to sound kinda crazy…but, could you maybe pretend to be in love with me for a few minutes?”

—

When Julie Molina approaches Luke Patterson at a bar and asks him to pretend to be her boyfriend, she never expects to find herself in a position where she and Luke have to keep up the ruse for longer than five minutes. Figures that out of all of the strangers she could have approached that night, she’d gone and picked the one guy who just so happens to be in a rock band that’s on the brink of blowing up.

*relight that spark by @ruzek-halstead

Juke

julie molina has had nothing but a tough life. after losing both her parents early on, she was left in the care of her step-monster karen and her two step-daughters. while working at her late father's diner, completing household duties and being at karen's beck and call at all hours, julie was well on her way to getting accepted into the college of her dreams and having enough money to move out.

and then one day she received a text message from an unknown number. it started out innocent, crossed wires based on a flyer she put up three years ago.

this is the story of julie molina and her prince charming, and everything in between.

i never saw you coming (and i'll never be the same) by ruzekhalstead (@ruzek-halstead)

Juke

julie molina, a new student to uc berkeley, secures a job at a tiny, run-down grocery store, where she meets a group of people who inadvertently become some of the most important people in her life.

there's nothing like suffering in the workplace with your co-workers to solidify a bond.

a look into julie's life in a brand new city, as told by the customer service experience throughout the months.

an oddly specific grocery store au that no one asked for but i'm writing anyway to satisfy my brain

*Love Drunk by captainkippen

Juke

Thirty-two missed calls. Fifty-eight texts waiting. Over one hundred various social media notifications. A deep sense of foreboding took over. Julie swallowed. Slowly, she lifted the phone back to her ear.

"Flynn… what happened last night?"

After a night out in Vegas, Julie and Luke wake up to find themselves married. Hijinks ensue.

*So that's how it happens by echocharm (@echocharm17618)

Juke

But it had to be today. Julie had this crazy feeling in her stomach. Not nervous butterflies. More like fireflies that were trying to zap her (Do fireflies electrocute people? She should google that). It felt like that moment her parents spoke about all the time. The day they met. And when they first spoke to each other. Her mom always says that an intense zap went through her whole body.

Are you new or nervous? Julie has been waiting a (short)lifetime to hear those words be said to her.

She walked down a few more steps in the auditorium and found a spot. It was one of the few seats left in the room that wasn’t all the way up in the back. She sat down and settled into the uncomfortable, hard, plastic chair and took a deep shaky breath. The prof was nowhere to be seen. But there was a cute boy in the seat next to her. He had sort of long brown hair that was covered with a grey toque. And he was wearing a cut off t-shirt and you could see his very nice arms. Julie’s breathing was still shaky, and his attractiveness wasn’t helping the situation.

*we're too young to know things like love by Ephemeral_Joy

(@lydias--stiles)

Juke

The various ways and situations people notice the connection between Julie and Luke, whether that be a close friend or a complete stranger.

(started as a 5+1 fic and then i kind of went rogue. oops.)

*and i know i've kissed you before, but i didn't do it right (can i try again?) by Ephemeral_Joy (@lydias--stiles)

Juke

Some things just can't be fixed with a song.

(Julie and Luke break up.)

*The Infamous Tale of Luke and Julie's Grand Trip Across America by Ephemeral_Joy (@lydias--stiles)

Juke

In any normal situation, Luke wouldn't let this random girl hitchhike with him across America.

Then again, he wasn't normal. And neither was she.

(or: the roadtrip!au no one asked for)

*We Found Wonderland by ICanSpellConfusionWithAK (@pink-flame)

At the end of season one Julie isn’t able to save the boys and they are jolted out of existence. But what if there was another way? Julie finds herself back in 1995 with a chance to stop the boys of Sunset Curve from ever dying at all. But will she be able to find her way home afterwards? Will she want to? Or has Alice really gone down the rabbit hole this time...

A Moment of Quiet Conversation by JackONeillisTheMan

Juke

Julie and Luke talk about how he was the one who introduced her to rock. Then just fluff, more and more fluff.

*Feels like I've opened my eyes again by ICanSpellConfusionWithAK (@pink-flame)

Juke

After the whirlwind her life has been since the boys showed up it’s not that surprising that Julie would be a little tired. But is it normal that she’s more exhausted than she’s ever been? With Nick acting weird, Alex and Reggie both wrapped up in their own problems and her relationship with Luke still a big question mark, she has her work cut out for her if she’s looking to sit back and relax.

Basically my ideas and speculation about what season 2 might hold, or at least some of the things I would like to see.

find the strength, find the melody by sunset_phantom

Juke

An AU in which the boys are alive, Julie has been kicked out of her music program, and she somehow ends up falling in love with Luke in three days while he simultaneously brings her back to her first love of all: music.

after silence, wake me up by Vargynja

Juke

Julie hasn't been able to make music after her mother's death. She lives in New York working as an assistant for Luke, working hard to move forward in her career.

Luke finds out he's about to be deported back to Canada. A panicked lie leads them to fake a relationship to get married so he can stay in the country. Despite working together for two years they aren't close but a trip to Alaska to visit Julie's family might change that

Based on the premise of The Proposal (2009)

[rockislandadultreads]

A History of the Stars: books to read

The Human Cosmos: A Secret History of the Stars by Jo Marchant

For at least 20,000 years, we have led not just an earthly existence but a cosmic one. Celestial cycles drove every aspect of our daily lives. Our innate relationship with the stars shaped who we are--our art, religious beliefs, social status, scientific advances, and even our biology. But over the last few centuries we have separated ourselves from the universe that surrounds us. It's a disconnect with a dire cost. Our relationship to the stars and planets has moved from one of awe, wonder and superstition to one where technology is king--the cosmos is now explored through data on our screens, not by the naked eye observing the natural world. Indeed, in most countries modern light pollution obscures much of the night sky from view. Jo Marchant's spellbinding parade of the ways different cultures celebrated the majesty and mysteries of the night sky is a journey to the most awe inspiring view you can ever see--looking up on a clear dark night. That experience and the thoughts it has engendered have radically shaped human civilization across millennia. The cosmos is the source of our greatest creativity in art, in science, in life. To show us how, Jo Marchant takes us to the Hall of the Bulls in the caves at Lascaux in France, and to the summer solstice at a 5,000-year-old tomb at New Grange in England. We discover Chumash cosmology and visit medieval monks grappling with the nature of time and Tahitian sailors navigating by the stars. We discover how light reveals the chemical composition of the sun, and we are with Einstein as he works out that space and time are one and the same. A four-billion-year-old meteor inspires a search for extraterrestrial life. The cosmically liberating, summary revelation is that star-gazing made us human.

First Light: Switching on Stars at the Dawn of Time by Emma Chapman

Astronomers have successfully observed a great deal of the Universe's history, from recording the afterglow of the Big Bang to imaging thousands of galaxies, and even to visualising an actual black hole. There's a lot for astronomers to be smug about. But when it comes to understanding how the Universe began and grew up we are literally in the dark ages. In effect, we are missing the first one billion years from the timeline of the Universe. This brief but far-reaching period in the Universe's history, known to astrophysicists as the 'Epoch of Reionisation', represents the start of the cosmos as we experience it today. The time when the very first stars burst into life, when darkness gave way to light. After hundreds of millions of years of dark, uneventful expansion, one by the one these stars suddenly came into being. This was the point at which the chaos of the Big Bang first began to yield to the order of galaxies, black holes and stars, kick-starting the pathway to planets, to comets, to moons, and to life itself. Incorporating the very latest research into this branch of astrophysics, this book sheds light on this time of darkness, telling the story of these first stars, hundreds of times the size of the Sun and a million times brighter, lonely giants that lived fast and died young in powerful explosions that seeded the Universe with the heavy elements that we are made of. Emma Chapman tells us how these stars formed, why they were so unusual, and what they can teach us about the Universe today. She also offers a first-hand look at the immense telescopes about to come on line to peer into the past, searching for the echoes and footprints of these stars, to take this period in the Universe's history from the realm of theoretical physics towards the wonder of observational astronomy.

Gravity's Engines: How Bubble-Blowing Black Holes Rule Galaxies, Stars, and Life in the Cosmos by Caleb Scharf

We've long understood black holes to be the points at which the universe as we know it comes to an end. Often billions of times more massive than the Sun, they lurk in the inner sanctum of almost every galaxy of stars in the universe. They're mysterious chasms so destructive and unforgiving that not even light can escape their deadly wrath. Recent research, however, has led to a cascade of new discoveries that have revealed an entirely different side to black holes. As the astrophysicist Caleb Scharf reveals in Gravity's Engines, these chasms in space-time don't just vacuum up everything that comes near them; they also spit out huge beams and clouds of matter. Black holes blow bubbles. With clarity and keen intellect, Scharf masterfully explains how these bubbles profoundly rearrange the cosmos around them. Engaging with our deepest questions about the universe, he takes us on an intimate journey through the endlessly colorful place we call our galaxy and reminds us that the Milky Way sits in a special place in the cosmic zoo—a "sweet spot" of properties. Is it coincidental that we find ourselves here at this place and time? Could there be a deeper connection between the nature of black holes and their role in the universe and the phenomenon of life? We are, after all, made of the stuff of stars.

Backyard Guide to the Night Sky by Howard Schneider, Dennis Mammana, Sandy Wood (Foreword by)

Stargazing’s too much fun to leave to astronomers, but often we’re blinded by science—dry facts can easily turn enchantment into a chore. We just want to lie down, look up, and understand the heavens above. The National Geographic Backyard Guide to the Night Sky shows us how. Authors Howard Schneider and Patricia Daniels take an expert but easygoing approach that doesn’t overwhelm—it invites. Ten chapters cover everything a beginning stargazer will need to know, from understanding the phases of the moon to picking Mars out of a planetary lineup to identifying the kinds of stars twinkling in the constellations. Throughout the book, star charts and tables present key facts in an easy-to-understand format, sidebars and fact boxes present illuminating anecdotes and fun facts to sweep us swiftly into the stardust, and by the time we realize we’ve been schooled in solid science we’re too engrossed to object. Along with practical advice and hands-on tips to improve observation techniques, the guide includes an appendix full of resources—from books and web sites to lists of astronomy clubs and associations to local planetariums and museums. This indispensable book guides us on a new path into the night sky, truly one of the greatest shows on Earth.

[bloodyshadow1]

Beauyasha week Day 3: Scars

You're Worth Trying to be Better For

I did metaphorical scars for today's prompt, not much more to say. Hope you like it, more prompts on their way, at least 1 more, though I'll do my best to write more. If you like my work and feel like encouraging me to write more, leave a comment if you want. They help more than you know

“Hey Yash,” Beau said calling after her girlfriend. They had just dealt with a band of giant spiders that was plaguing a small town in the southern parts of the Empire. It wasn’t a hard fight, not after the year they had, but for most normal people they could have been a problem.

Beau was worried, her girlfriend had been distant the last few days, even quieter and withdrawn than usual. Beau didn’t want to push her, she didn’t have a lot of experience being a girlfriend and didn’t think forcing Yasha to talk about things would help. But now that she wasn’t even scavenging parts of the dead spider’s to eat as a snack later Beau knew something was wrong.

So when Caleb created the tower for the night, Beau moved to talk to Yasha in private. The barbarian didn’t even come to dinner with the rest of them, she just retreated to her room in the tower without saying a word. She had barely used it since they became girlfriends, most nights they spent together in Beau’s room. But the last few days they both slept alone, Beau respecting Yasha’s privacy up until now.

Beau knocked on the door, there wasn’t an answer, but the door opened all the same. She saw Yasha sitting on her bed, just staring at her wildflower mural turned away from the door. “Yasha,” Beau said again, more pleading this time as she tried to keep her heart from breaking.

Yasha didn’t say anything but she did stop and turn around to look at her. Her eyes were distant and unfeeling, like they had been when they first met and Beau was trying to ignore the pain. She was already doomed, in the, ‘when she’s hurting I’m hurting,’ phase of their relationship.

“I’ve tried to give you space,” Beau said inching closer, “I really have. But you’ve been so closed off the last couple days. If I’ve done something wrong, I’m sorry, please just tell me so I can fix it,” she begged.

That got a reaction of Yasha, “what are you talking about,” she asked unsure of what Beau meant. Her voice was rougher than usual, after not being used for days it came out even more gravelly.

“Y-you’ve been so distant and quiet,” Beau said softly, not trying to agitate Yasha, trying to not sound too accusing. “I figured it must be something I did, so please just tell me so I can make it right.”

It all came crashing down to Yasha, it wasn’t about Beau, but it wasn’t not about her either. Yasha knew, a part of her at least, knew that Beau for all her strength, and beauty, and brilliance, was incredibly fragile. In their time together, Yasha had done her best to make Beau feel as loved as she deserved to mitigate the damage her family had done to her. No wonder she’s like this, Yasha withdrawing, instantly translated into her doing something wrong.

“Beau,” Yasha said softly, “come here,” she patted a spot next to her on the bed.

Beau moved slowly to sit down at Yasha’s side, not wanting to say or do anything to upset the larger woman. Beau knew it had to be something she did, it was always something she did.

“Beau,” Yasha said with her hand on Beau’s chin so her girlfriend would look at her, “you did nothing wrong, I promise.”

Beau was a damn good liar, that helped her know when people were lying to her. She knew in her very soul that Yasha, tall, powerful, beautiful Yasha wasn't lying to her. There wasn’t a trace of falsehood in her violet and green eyes. “T-then why,” Beau started to ask but couldn’t form the words.

“It’s not because of you Beau,” Yasha said feeling ashamed she had put her girlfriend through, “it’s because of me. A few days ago, I had a dream and it bothered me,” that was an understatement if there ever was one. She turned away from Beau, staring into her beloved’s face would make it harder to formulate her thoughts, Beau had the right way of making her mind leave her in all the best ways.

“Was it, you know,... Obann,” Beau asked carefully. Yasha had spoken the the party about her time under Obann’s control, but she knew it was still some of the worst time in Yasha’s life under his control.

“No, I haven’t dreamed about him in a long time, thankfully,” Yasha said struggling. Beau deserved to know the truth, no matter how much it hurt. “It wasn’t a nightmare, it was a good dream, a very good dream,” she said more to the room than to Beau.

“Well…, that’s good, right,” Beau said, knowing the answer. Yasha wouldn’t have been so distant if it was a good thing.

“The dream was good,” Yasha said gripping her hands, her knuckles turning white, “it was of Zuala.” Even after all this time it hurt to say her name.

“Oh,” Beau didn’t know what to say, she knew Yasha was married before, that her tribe killed her and she ran away. But she barely mentioned her and Beau didn’t want to pry. “Well I mean that’s normal, she was a huge part of your life, I’m sure you have a lot of good memories of her.”

“I didn’t dream of our past Beau,” Yasha said, the words coming out like a curse. When Beau didn’t say anything she continued, “it wasn’t real, of course, but when I dreamed I wished it was. I dreamed that I charged forward instead of running away, that I took my wife in my arms and we ran away together. I dreamed of what our life would be together, if she survived.” Yasha sounded miserable.

“I can see why that would make you feel terrible once you woke up and she wasn’t by your side anymore,” Beau said.

“I woke up miserable because I remembered that I loved you,” Yasha shouted. “No, not like that,” Yasha said moving to Beau whose face fell, cupping Beau’s face so she couldn’t look away. “I felt like I was betraying you…, by dreaming of her.”

“What,” was all Beau could get out.

“I love you Beau, I love you so much,” the pain in Yasha’s voice hurt. “But I can’t love you with all my heart. Zuala will always be a part of me, no matter how hard I try to bury my memories of her, they keep bubbling up. When I’m awake you’re there and I don’t think about her as much, but when I’m asleep alone, I can’t help where my mind goes. If I could stop them I woul-.”

She would have kept going but Beau stopped her with a finger to her lips. “Yasha,” Beau said calmly, “I don’t want you to forget about Zuala.”

“H-how can you not,” Yasha asked, as tears started to pour down her face. “How can you be with a woman who doesn’t love you with all her heart. You deserve someone who loves you more than anything in the world, Beau.”

It took a bit for Beau to get her thoughts in order, to decide on what she was going to say. Finally, she came to a conclusion, “Yasha, can I tell you a…secret I guess. I wasn’t really trying to keep it a secret but I also haven’t tried talking about it.” She looked at Yasha for confirmation and when Yasha gave her a nod she continued. “I have a crush on Jester, a big one. I’m not going to break up with you, or cheat on you, or do anything with her, I promise, but it’s still there.”

“I don’t really know when it started, you know how I am with pretty girls, she was the first real friend I ever had and then as we kept traveling together maybe something grew as my feelings for you grew also. I felt like shit, like I was living out every lesbian stereotype in the dirty books I read as a kid, obsessing over my best friend who has a crush on a guy, it’s so cliche, but it still happened. I couldn’t control it any more than I could control falling in love with you. I’m happy for her and Fjord, and I’m even happier for me and you, but I still have feelings for her. They’re not nearly as strong as the feelings I have for you now, but when you were controlled they were pretty damn strong because Jester’s cheerfulness was one of the few things that could soothe the ache in my heart not knowing if you betrayed us or not.”

“I’m not trying to say this to hurt you or to pull this out to counter what you told me, but I just wanted you to know because you need to know you’re not the only one whose heart is made to love more than one person. After telling you that, do you still love me,” Beau asked very quietly now, truths on the table, ball in Yasha’s court.

“Of course not,” Yasha said, surprising herself with how easy it was to say. Yasha knew in her heart that there wasn’t anything Beau could do that would make her hate Beau.

“Well I feel the same way,” Beau told her, giving her girlfriend a smile. “I know you don’t want to talk about Zuala, and I respect that. But I’m not the jealous type, I know she was beautiful and amazing. And I’m just happy she was there for you when you needed her to be and I’m so sorry she was taken from you before her time.” She kissed Yasha’s hands.

“You didn’t even know her,” Yasha said, trying to resist, but if their time together has proven anything, she is bad at resisting Beau.

“No,” Beau admitted, “but you loved her, you love her, I can’t believe that someone you love so strongly, even after all this time could be anything but wonderful.”

“You know that means you too now,” Yasha meeting Beau’s eyes for the first time in a while.

“I-I don’t know about that,” Beau mumbling some excuses. It was funny to see her stumbling over her words, but it hurt to see her so down on herself. Beau was amazing, she was strong, smart, funny, beautiful, and so much more, yet she can’t see it. Beau’s heart was so strong but covered in the scars of what her parents had done to her, just like Yasha’s had been for what the tribe had done to Zuala.

“Well how about we help each other out then,” Yasha suggested. “Not today, but someday, I would like to talk about Zuala, if you’ll be willing.”

“You telling me stories about beautiful women, how can I say no,” Beau said, trying to be funny.

“And maybe, I can show you how wonderful you are so you stop hating yourself Beau,” Yasha said, cupping Beau’s face softly in her massive hands.

“I’m not sure it will work Yasha, I’m pretty broken,” Beau told her, “but I’m willing to try anything for you.”

“That’s all I’ll ever ask Beau, because I won’t stop trying, ” Yasha said, kissing her. Her heart was still hurt, but it was healing, a lot of that is thanks to Beau. And she’d love Beau enough to make her stop hating herself one day. There would always be scars on her heart from losing Zuala, but that was okay because women digged scars. At least her woman did and that was all that mattered.

Notes:

To be honest, I'm not super happy about the ending, I rushed it because I wanted to post today and I have my dnd game in a few minutes but I hope you enjoyed it all the same.

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 14

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, learns how to be a person, and does what he can to protect the children (and hurting adults) who came after him in a way he had never been protected.

Content warnings: references to Caleb's backstory but it's pretty mild

Chapter summary: The Mighty Nein have their beach episode, Essek wears a sunhat, Luc learns a new word that isn't a swear, and Caleb has a good day.

Chapter notes: This chapter is pure fluff, with a little melancholy that is well-resolved. Enjoy it while it lasts. Chapter title is from Joy by Sleeping At Last.

****

Chapter 14: It is the calm water in the middle of an anxious sea

Caleb sent a quick message to Nico while Jester ferried the Nein into the street. “Hallo, Nico. Remember my home is open to you if you need anything. Food, shelter. Protection. Anything. Password: Wilkommen. Take care, please.”

Nico didn’t reply. He never did. But Caleb breathed, and he was okay. Essek, disguised as another half-elf, a redhead this time, squeezed his hand.

“Are you all right?”

“Ja. We know he’s alive. That helps.”

“Good.” Essek opened his pink parasol as they stepped into the sun, shielding them both. “Beauregard warned me that redheads burn in the sun more easily than most humans.”

Caleb chuckled, surprising himself a little bit. “Ja, Jester packed a lotion to help with that. I may need help rubbing it in.”

Essek raised an eyebrow. “I believe I can help with that.”

“Hold that thought.” Caleb needed to let Felix know Nico was still alive, before he got distracted. “Hallo, Felix. My cleric friends’ gods have confirmed Nico is alive and has found water recently. Keep talking to him.”

Felix’s response was swift. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do if… thank you. Uh, how is Nicodranas? I’ve never been.”

Caleb found himself smiling. “Hot and sunny. Not ideal for someone of my complexion, but we have sun protection. My friends are dragging me to the beach.”

A laugh came through the link, quiet and stiff, as if unpracticed. “My parents told me stories about your disagreements with the sun, even here. So, uh, be safe. And have fun with your special Aeor friend.”

Caleb found himself burning another spell, just because he was not about to let this child have the final word. At least, not that final word. “Very funny, Felix. My colleague and I will likely stay in the shade. The sun does not agree with him, either. Spell progress?” Felix had indicated he was copying out Fly from a scroll Astrid had supplied on Caleb’s behalf. Felix was an Evocation specialist, so he had been struggling a bit. Caleb still had hopes of converting him to Transmutation entirely, and teaching him Fly would be a good step, and safer to experiment with than the more-challenging Polymorph without supervision. It was quite advanced for him, however.

“Fine, I will let you change the subject. I have the spell copied, but the somatic element is complicated. I may need help.”

And then Caleb burned one more spell. “I will visit in the next few days and we will work it out together. Remember to take breaks. See you soon.”

“Ja, see you soon.”

“I like that kid,” said Beauregard.

The group linked up with the Brenattos deeper into the city and then worked their way to the beach. Other families were out on the sand, so they wandered a little further afield until they found the same spot the Nein had visited when they had first visited Nicodranas together.

Essek, with Jester’s help, set up the beach umbrella in a shaded area further from the water. Everybody arranged their bags there, leaving enough room for Essek to sit comfortably, along with one or two others. Towels were laid out to keep the worst of the sand out of everyone’s asses, but mainly Essek’s. By now, his disguise was wearing off. The clothes he wore underneath, however, covered most of his skin, alongside the enormous sunhat Caduceus had brought from the Grove. So he didn’t bother re-casting.

Essek settled himself under the umbrella, pulling his spellbook from the pocket dimension. The others disrobed to varying degrees; most of the ladies were straight-up naked, aside from Veth who wore a thin shift dress that would not be too weighed down if she chose to get in the water. The group passed around two glass bottles of a sun lotion developed by Yeza, slapping it onto each other. Caleb slapped Fjord’s pec, as had become customary. Fjord squawked, as was tradition.

Soon enough, the Nein, plus Luc and Yeza, barrelled toward the shoreline. Caleb settled beside Essek, passing him the lotion bottle.

“If you would?”

Essek slipped the spellbook back into its dimension and uncorked the bottle. “Take off your shirt.”

Caleb threw his shirt aside and sat with his back to Essek. He had waited until the others left. Neither Caleb nor Essek were particularly touchy-feely around other people, aside from a few casual things like fixing each other’s hair or leaning against each other. It was less uncomfortable to do so when there was some physical distance from others, even if they were still in view.

This thing between them still felt fragile sometimes. Aeor had strengthened their bond, but they’d had to do a lot of unlearning along the way. A lot of healing. Caleb had disintegrated the one chance he’d had to see his parents alive again. He’d given up the book of letters to bury them between their graves. Essek had begun to peel away years of conditioning to be selfish in his pursuits, of pulling away from people to stay safe, of understanding his worth through a purely transactional lens. Honestly, Caleb was working on unlearning those things himself.

The lotion was a cold streak from one shoulder blade to the other. Essek’s hands were delicate and careful as always, working the lotion into his skin with small, slow circles.

Essek did not touch very many people. Every touch he gave Caleb felt precious. At this point, Caleb was fairly certain he had been conditioned to melt at even the slightest point of contact between them.

Essek kissed his shoulder, ignoring Jester’s wolf-whistle in the distance. “I missed your shoulder freckles.”

“You see them most nights, Essek.”

“It’s different in the light. I can see colours.” Essek’s fingers ghosted the skin, drawing lines between freckles Caleb couldn’t see at this angle. His other hand continued to work the sun lotion into Caleb’s back. Caleb closed his eyes, listening to the soft roars and hisses of waves, the shouts of his friends, their splashes in the water. This was comfortable in a way Caleb still struggled to accept that he deserved. But he was trying. And sometimes he succeeded. Today was better than most.

Essek took his right arm and massaged lotion into the skin, working tension out of Caleb’s muscles and tendons and joints as he went. Heat pooled in Caleb’s gut, and if they had been alone, he would have pushed Essek onto his back and kissed him senseless. Among other things. Instead, he let Essek work, sagging back against him. Essek spent some extra time on Caleb’s wrist, gently guiding him through stretches to stave off a repetitive strain injury from casting. Then he moved to Caleb’s left arm, and repeated the process.

Through the haze of calm, Caleb was dimly aware this was a huge step for Essek. Taking care of each other’s hair, leaning against each other, passing things to each other, taking charge when Caleb was in a bad way… these were all forms of affection he had grown comfortable with in front of the Nein. This was more intimate than Essek usually allowed with an audience, however distant they were at the moment. Caleb was proud of him. He knew it wasn’t easy to be exposed like this. To wear your heart on your sleeve even among people you trusted. How hard it was to trust in the first place.

“You’re cuddly today,” Caleb said quietly as Essek carefully swept his changed, now singular, braid aside to work the lotion into the back of his neck. “I like it.”

Essek rested his forehead on the back of Caleb’s head. “I suppose I am.”

“What brought this on? I would like to repeat it.”

Essek hummed thoughtfully, pulling back. Caleb turned to watch him gaze out at the sea, dissecting his own thoughts. “You are… happier today. I missed it.”

Caleb had become aware during their time together that Essek, while attracted to Caleb in general, was especially enticed by two specific things: Caleb’s mind and his happiness. It was… sweet. Caleb hadn’t experienced that in a relationship before. That hadn’t been Astrid and Wulf’s fault, or even his. They hadn’t had the freedom to be like that. It still took Caleb unawares that he had this with Essek sometimes. A partner so invested in his happiness that it was a literal turn-on for him, essentially a requirement for his sexual interest. And, most days now, Caleb was happy frequently enough that it was practical. And healthier than anything he had experienced in a relationship before.

Essek also looked adorable in his huge sunhat and lightweight poncho that kept most of him safe from the sun’s rays. And a pair of sunglasses Jester had painted for him, pushed down his nose so he could look at Caleb better while they were in the shade together.

Caleb squeezed his knee. “We should come back here tonight. Have you swum in the ocean before?”

“No. Have you?” Essek adjusted his glasses so he could look at their friends playing in the water. Fjord and the clerics were having a magic water fight. Veth and Yeza walked along the shoreline, feet in the water, swinging Luc between them. Veth looked at home there; watching her willingly touch the water for the pure joy of it hurt Caleb’s heart in the best way. The lesbians had wandered off somewhere and probably wouldn’t be back for a bit. Kingsley was working on a sandcastle he had started with Luc, before the boy had been distracted.

“Ja. The first time we came here. You’ll like it, I think.” The vastness of the ocean, the enveloping nature of it… Caleb could remember how much it had felt like looking into the beacon, and how much of a comfort that had been. “Can you swim?”

“I have been taught, yes.” Essek didn’t sound pleased about it. Most of his upbringing had been utilitarian, shaping him in the service of Den Thelyss.

“Just think. You and me. Alone with the moon and the endless expanse of ocean. It feels like the embrace of possibility, if you let it.” Caleb knew that, of all people, Essek would understand.

Essek softened. “That does sound wonderful. Shall we go after dinner?”

“Ja. I will cast the tower afterwards. I want you all to myself.”

It was only because Caleb knew Essek so well that he could pick out the rise of colour in his cheeks. “The feeling is mutual. Go, spend time with our friends. Do not burn.”

Caleb smiled, sliding his pants off and setting them aside. He left his smallclothes on this time, and worked the lotion into the flesh of his legs and feet. Essek cleared his throat and returned his attention to his spellbook. If they had been alone right now…

Caleb pushed the thought away. In a few hours, they would be alone. For now, he had prepared Telekinesis for today and he knew a few friends who would love to be thrown around in the water for a while.

Luc rushed over to Caleb as soon as approached the shoreline. Caleb squished the wet sand between his toes and watched the boy run, managing to catch him when he launched himself at Caleb’s middle.

“Uncle Caleb! Mum says you know a really cool spell that can throw people! Throw me!”

Caleb looked over to Veth and Yeza. Veth gave an enthusiastic thumbs up while Yeza facepalmed, but did nothing to stop it.

“Okay.” Caleb set Luc down. “This spell is called Telekinesis.”

Luc’s eyes glazed over a bit. “Tele…”

“Repeat after me: Tele.”

“Tele.”

“-kin.”

“-kin.”

“-esis.”

“-esis.”

“Telekinesis.”

“Telekinesis.”

“There you go.” Caleb moved his hand, muttering the incantation. “Ready?”

“Yes!”

Caleb reached out the magic and lifted Luc in the air with the spell. “All right?”

Luc kicked his legs about, staring all around. “This is so cool!”

“Ja, so cool.”

“Throw me!”

Caleb looked to Veth and Yeza. “I’ll send him near the others.” He raised his voice so Fjord, Jester and Caduceus would hear. “Incoming!” And he pelted Luc into the water, aiming him in the central point between the three of them. Luc soared through the air, landing with a splash. Caleb pulled back the force a bit so Luc wouldn’t fall too hard. Luc still had the ring of water walking on, but he had an intuitive grasp of its use and had wanted to be thrown in. But it did mean that he was able to pop right up to the surface without issue, jumping up and down on top of the water with glee.

“Oh! Oh!” Jester yelled. “Me next!”

Caleb plucked her from the water with his magic, and managed not to drop her when he remembered she was naked. He threw her across the water, to a point to his right that appeared to be a similar depth from whence she had come.

The spell lasted ten minutes. And those ten minutes were well-used, pelting his friends into the sea. Beau and Yasha returned in time to participate, which was good. Beauregard in particular had always been fond of this.

As the spell faded, Caleb waded into the water and let it take his weight, floating on his back. He gazed up at the blue sky, squinting a bit. The protection amulet lay there, occasionally bobbing away from his chest when he slipped under a tiny bit. He had gotten back into the habit of wearing it since the Vergesson heist, and all that had happened in Eiselcross and beyond. The thing didn’t bother him as much as it used to. Essek still wore his as well. Even if Caleb hadn’t thought it prudent to wear the amulet to shield himself from the Assembly’s prying eyes, even if they would not move openly against him, he would do it for Essek’s sake. It was easier to do these things for other people.

“Hey, Caleb.” The voice was a little muffled as Caleb’s ears were underwater, but he knew Fjord’s voice.

He carefully righted himself and began to tread water, a little clumsily but more easily than he had the first time. “Hallo, Fjord. Thank you for not scaring the shit out of me this time.”

Fjord chuckled; as usual, he had no trouble staying afloat. “Oh, I thought about it. I need to get you back for slapping my tit.”

“I will live in fear until you have found your revenge.”

“As you should,” Fjord said haughtily. “Oh, and Jester keeps demanding I invite you onto our ship. Unrelated to the impending revenge, of course. I have no stake in this at all.”

“Of course.” Caleb enjoyed Fjord’s sarcasm; he could pivot from sincerity to bullshit quicker than almost anyone he knew.

And, in true Fjord fashion, he pivoted again, dropping right back into sincerity. “In seriousness, though… if you ever need a break from civilisation, there’s always room for you. And Essek. Together or separately.”

“I appreciate that,” Caleb replied. “Knowing our luck, I will choose the perfect time for Uk’otoa to attack.” He did not clarify whether this would be good or bad luck, as he himself was uncertain.

“An extra hand wouldn’t go astray. You have saved my life many times on the sea.”

Fjord had almost been lost forever, killed and transported away. That night had been the perfect example of why Caleb never went a day without preparing Counterspell. Losing him would have been unbearable, especially after Molly.

Fjord’s hand found his shoulder. “Hey, I’m right here.”

“Ja, you are.” Caleb shook off his melancholy. And remembered why he had found Fjord so attractive from day one: whatever shit Fjord had going on, he was always ready to reach out and steady someone else. That, and the fact he had a nice face and an incredible amount of skill both in combat and in conversation. “I’m sure there will be time for sailing. Maybe in a few weeks, depending on how chaotic Rexxentrum becomes. I will try to drag Essek along, if he’s not too busy elsewhere.”

“Sailing the Lucidian Ocean with a pirate crew is an unlikely place to find a drow fugitive,” said Fjord.

“Ha! Indeed.” And, because they were already talking about Essek, Caleb broached a similar subject. “By the way, Essek and I plan to come back here after dinner so he can swim more comfortably. We will not be back until morning; I have the tower prepared. If you could, ah, keep the others distracted so we can slip away without too much innuendo, I would appreciate it.”

“I promise to try.” Fjord glanced fondly towards Jester. “She’s observant and has the best-worst timing.”

“That she does.” One of the wonderful things about her, but Caleb would prefer to shield Essek from that tonight. Essek had become more comfortable with the Nein’s teasing, but he was still a little shy, especially about his relationship with Caleb.

“We’ll make sure you get your date, either way.” Fjord patted Caleb’s shoulder and submerged himself, darting like a bullet towards the clerics. Then, he emerged from the water with a huge wave behind him, but Caduceus had seen him coming and retaliated with one of his own.

Caleb watched the water-fight for a bit before he retreated to the beach umbrella, throwing himself onto the towel beside Essek and closing his eyes for a nap.

***

They stayed out until sunset began to approach. Knowing the Zhelezo would soon close the gates, the group packed up, dressed and headed back to the Chateau. Essek, disguise refreshed, used Prestidigitation as they walked to clear the sand off everyone.

After dinner, Beauregard asked Caleb to send her and Yasha back to Rexxentrum. Caleb drew them a circle in Jester’s old room, sending them on their way while Essek watched him work. There was a quirk to his lips that Caleb now knew meant he was looking disrespectfully.

Then, with the lesbians gone, it was just the two of them. Caleb pocketed the rest of his chalk, and held a hand out to Essek. “We could teleport from here.”

“We could.” Essek glanced at the door behind him. “That may worry our friends.”

“I’ll message Fjord. Let him spill the beans in a few minutes when Jester comes looking for us.” Caleb pulled out his wire. “Hallo, Fjord? Essek and I are about to teleport to the beach. Could you tell them where we’re going when they ask?”

“Will do. Have a good night. You deserve it.”

Caleb tucked his wire away. “We’re good. Let’s go.”

Essek grabbed his hand, though Caleb was now fully aware that physical contact was not a requirement for teleportation. “Allow me.” He muttered a word and Jester’s bedroom fell away. The air and light rushed away, before it all came back in a rush. Caleb took a deep breath.

They had landed on sandy grass, a few paces from the beach itself. The two of them took off their shoes and Essek’s poncho and hat, stashing them in Caleb’s amber. Essek gazed out at the waves while Caleb worked the ritual. A ritual he had originally created as part of his plan to save his parents. Now he used it to stash his partner’s shoes so they could walk on the beach together. That felt like growth. Like allowing himself to be happy. Ultimately, he knew that was far more respectful of his mother and father’s memory than trying to break time to bring them back, putting his own life at risk. Even if he was damn sure it would’ve worked. If he hadn’t collapsed into dust at the end of it all. Part of him still felt like that would have been a worthy price to pay… but he knew they wouldn’t see it that way. Most of him understood that. All they had ever wanted was for their son to be happy. They would have wanted him to live, and live a good life.

Caleb sat there after the amber had claimed their things, staring into the stone. Essek waited patiently, not rushing or peppering him with questions. He knew the meaning of the vault, and had enough context to Caleb’s shit to suspect where his mind had gone. Even if he couldn’t read Caleb’s thoughts.

He would try to live a good life, like his mother and father had always wanted. It was the right thing to do. For them, and for himself. He deserved good things. Caleb just had to keep reminding himself, possibly forever. And the joy of surrounding himself with people who loved him was that they would remind him if he couldn’t.

The best way to honour Leofric and Una Ermendrud was to be happy, kind, and do good for himself and others. Even if he still felt like a piece of shit most days, he would keep trying.

Caleb scooped up the amber and settled the chain around his neck. Essek held out a hand, which he accepted, letting the drow leverage the entirety of his slight weight to pull Caleb to his feet.

Hand-in-hand, they stepped onto the sand. Let their toes sink in, wiggling with the joy of that simple feeling of being enveloped.

The two moons above gave Caleb just enough light to see his surroundings, reflecting off the sea like a mirror. Essek would have no trouble seeing, and he was safe from the discomfort from the sun. And the darkness was a safe enough disguise that he was not forced to concentrate on a spell to avoid detection. They were about as safe as they could be.

Essek lifted Caleb’s hands to his lips, kissing each knuckle in turn, his eyes boring into Caleb’s. Then he tugged Caleb towards the shoreline. There, they let the tide lick their toes, laughing as it tickled. Essek’s laugh was sweet and soft, his smile warm and unburdened. That was rare. So rare. Caleb’s heart swelled.

He leaned down to kiss him. Essek slid in close, fingers splayed across Caleb’s back. And they kissed and kissed and kissed until they couldn’t breathe.

They took a five-second break. And then they kissed again.

[changlingrogue]

Okay, a head's up, this got rambly and it will definitely have spoilers for Campaign 2 Episode 128, 127 and to be on the safe side 126. I'll tag it as "cr spoilers" and put it under a cut though.

Okay, so, starting from the jump the episode is a little anxiety inducing as it picks up directly where last week's left off with Caleb, Jester and Veth confronted by Trent down in the basement. Trent only appears to want to talk (being the mofo he is, his words are just as dangerous as his magic), but Caleb isn't having any of that and starts things off with casting Wall of Fire (I think?) to separate them from Trent. Trent dispels it and still seems interested in talking until Caleb casts a Firebolt at him. Veth follows up with her attack which does work and then Jester tries another Word of Recall which Trent tries to Counterspell with a horrifying nat 20, but it gets cancelled out by Caleb's nat 20 and the three of them escape to Nicodranas, outside on the Brenatto family's balcony. A couple of takeaways from this encounter:

Was trying to fight Trent the best idea, no. But like I can't say I blame Caleb. Liam made it very clear that Caleb was terrified. He was going off of raw emotions and being confronted by the man that ruined his life in a place that held a lot of emotional trauma for him... can't say most people would be able to keep a cool head.

It does still make me wonder how things would have went if Trent had been able to talk. Would they have been able to leave without things ending up like they ultimately did or was it just a way for Trent to keep control of the situation? Maybe a bit of both? Trent certainly risks losing more now that he has to come up with some sort of explanation for what happened at the sanitarium and given that the whole Cerberus Assembly is under investigation, its not a good look. Veth's decision to steal some of those crystals did alert Trent to what they were doing and is maybe part of the reason he's pursuing them so aggressively, but I feel like its going to be one of those things that really helps them out in the future. I was happy when it was proposed to keep at least one for evidence, because I think if it's used in the right way and given to the right people it might be a nail in the coffin Trent (hopefully) finds himself in.

To jump off from the crystal point, I'm really digging how in this campaign player choices have at times had some really interesting a longstanding consequences/rewards. Like it really makes the world feel alive, and that its not revolving around M9. Like for one of the more "positive" examples, Beau telling Dairon about how she was kidnapped and forced into the Cobalt Soul lead to the eventual arrest and upcoming trail of Zeenoth and the apology Beau deserved for years. But on the flip side, as we learn eventually, when the rest of the party joins back up with them in Nicodranas, Jester mentioning The Ruby of the Sea gives Trent a lead of where to find them. (I'd also like to mention that Team Outtie or Audi, lol, did a pretty good job. Fjord really came through with Arcane Gate, Marine Layer and even Major Image. It didn't stop Trent but it did keep the Guards busy. Caduceus got them out quick with Word of Recall and while Beau's umm, assassination attempt was brutal, she did keep the Guard on top of the tower from doing anything and she alerted Team Outtie to the arrival of Trent and more Guards.)

But back to Nicodranas and M9 trying to get their families there ferried away to safety. I really did nearly cry from the conversations Jester and Veth had. I adore Jester and mother's relationship, like Marion is one of my favorite of Matt's NPCs for more than reason and I love how just... loving and understanding she is. And I really like Yeza for that similar reason. Those two conversations really stuck out to me because of like... idk, I guess they sort of hit home a bit? With Jester and her mom it's the shift of being the one whose protected to the one who is the protector that I (and other adults) experience at one point when it comes to your parents as they get older. It's not as wild as keeping them safe from a powerful mage and his magic assassins, but it's a total flip in a relationship that you've had since you were younger.

And with Veth it's about being a parent and a partner and having to make choices and sometimes sacrifices to keep them safe. I'm really glad Veth and Yeza got a chance to talk and be open with one another, for at least a bit. I was surprised by Yeza's perspective of things and how he felt he was also guilty of putting their family in harm's way because I always assumed like, at least when it came to working with the Assembly he didn't have much a choice ( Idk if I just missed that part or it was mentioned in Talks or not), but him saying that he also took risks because he wanted to make something of himself and provide for Veth gives a new perspective of him and on his and Veth's relationship. Like now it seems more like he actually understands (on some level) Veth's conflicting feelings of wanting be an adventurer but wanting to be with her family too and that's why he's been so supportive of her vs him just kind of blindly supporting her. I really hope they continue to be open with one another and they keep talking about things, which I guess they might get a chance to again in the future if Veth actually does end up coming home to them for good after M9 takes care of the TombTakers. I'm sad about the idea of Veth leaving and not adventuring with the rest of M9, and I will legit cry if they say to goodbye but I can understand and respect her reasoning. She really did try to "have both" and for the things that they've been involved in, it, unfortunatly, doesn't work. Since reuniting with her family that's been one of her main conflicts and I'm happy that she finally seemed to come to a decision of what comprimises she can and can't make for the type of life she wants. I know a lot of the fandom won't be happy if Veth leaves and Sam creates another character but I like that Sam (and honestly everyone else as well) really plays his characters to who they are as people. After those heartwrenching moments, the tension in the game picks up again as they find out that they're being watched by two inviduals who turn out to be Astrid and Eadwulf. Astrid basically tells them to get everyone they care about and get the fuck out of Nicodranas since they've been dispatched to get them, and from some invisable tailing by Veth, we learn that there's another Volstrucker in town, along with fucking Trent himself and that they're only a few blocks away from the Lavish Chateu. So M9 gets themselves and the families together and steaths to Yussa's tower, hoping he could help them get somewhere else quick, only to find that he can't be reached at the moment. Luckily, his servant Wentsworth knows of something that might help and after some searching a Detect Languages spell, they find a scroll that has the spell Plane Shift and a tuning fork that they're unsure which plane its atturned to.

My thoughts on this are:

That I'm not sure if they're lucky or unlucky at this point. Because on one hand they're literally on the run from one of the most powerful mages in the Empire, but on the otherhand they've managed to escape him twice, despite the odds being against them. I really want to know what plane they're on, there's a lot of speculation that its the Plane of Fire which sounds terrible, but I'm not that versed in like D&D lore so maybe it's not as bad as it sounds in my head. I agree with Matt that thinking to use the Happy Fun Ball as a way to transport some of their people was pretty clever, I just hope they made the right choices for who went inside and who stayed outside. This is Yasha's first time in the ball! I wish it was under better circsumstances so that everyone could be there and they could actually explore but I wonder what her reaction will be. When she's not making out with Beau, lol. I'm not as worried for the group in the ball as I am for the group outside of it, I think Beau, Yasha and Fjord will be able to get to an exit without too much trouble as long as they don't stumble across any surprises that aren't on the map. And I'm very intrigued with how Astrid is shaping up as a character. I like so far what Matt is doing with her and I like that she's shaping up to not just be the "bad bitch/ruthless" villain archetype that a lot of female characters end up being. That character can be fun and enjoyable in certain things and when there's more beneath the surface, but it's nice to see that Astrid actually does care about Caleb. I was suspicious of her intentions before, but I feel that Matt has made it clear that while her and Eadwulf are still adversaries to the M9, they do care about Caleb and want to help him out. I feel for the whole Blumenthal Trio one way or another. To close things, because this had gotten way too long, lol. I can't wait for the next episode. Hopefully everything will work out for them and they can get the families to safety, though I don't know if sending them to the Gentleman is a good idea. But we'll see eventually!

[starline148]

I hope you feel better soon! ;u; For the ask meme, 001 with KdFd, GouTora and/or SomeFubu!

Hi! I’ve been really busy this past week but I’m better, thank you and thanks for asking too! I did the three of them because I just love all of them :D

001 Ship: KdFd

When I started shipping it if I did:

Here it's again the story of how my little brother with only 10 years opened my eyes and changed my life. So we were watching Inazuma Eleven 3rd season (before the rewatch) and I was watching the anime without shipping (or realizing) anything at that moment. Then my brother sighed and told me "Jude and Caleb should marry, they're so obviously in love" and I was like OMG it's TRUE. (Funny thing is that he has this good sense for canon ships, like he said Korra and Asami would end together when half first season was on and has done it with other couples too -also he could adivine who would fall on an ice skating rink, he would be a very good fortune teller-)

My thoughts:

They're my OTP. Like, they're the ship I like most of every ship I ship. And I have some old “growing with” ships in the list like pokeshipping, takari and harutake, which are from some animes that were truly important to me as a child and so are these ships.

I love Kidou and Fudou as individuals, as friends and as a couple. Fudou is my favourite character from Inazuma (and my favourite character in general). And well, I just adore their relationship so much, like they're so pure somehow. I love their moments, their episodes, their hissatsus. I was really excited when Killer Fields happened. And the match against Team K or the Demons/Fallen Angel. I love so much when they're holding hands, such a moment.

So, summarizing I LOVE THEM.

What makes me happy about them:

THEY, EVERYTHING about them makes me happy. I love watching anything about them. And I love creating drawings/stories about them because I just love them so much.

What makes me sad about them:

Ares/Orion. But as I don't like it in general… Something I missed was Kidou not returning to Teikoku in the end of OG. But I also would have liked them interacting in Go. Like, I want to rewrite Go movie so Fudou can go save Kidou when he is kidnapped.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Here I really have something. When they make Fudou not being faithful to Kidou just for drama or kinks. When I don't like a summary I don't go further but I found twice something not expected in tags or warning and well, went sad because to me they are LOVE made couple. 

Also, this is very particular and based in personal trauma. I don't like smoking Fudou. I don't like smoking characters in general, because my mother smoked when I was little and somehow this is a traumatic experience. But I can go with it. Like I'll read the story although I don't enjoy this specific little thing.

Things I look for in fanfic:

If they're there in a respectful relationship or going to it, I'm on board. I love them so much that I'll read almost anything with them. I even read a story where Kidou died and I didn’t like them but the story was beautiful.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

I can't imagine another person for them. And what's more I never saw Kidou as an easy partner. I think it's hard to go on with him based on his personality, but that's just my view of him.

My happily ever after for them:

While I like the idea of them working as professional football players I absolutely love the idea of Fudou and Kidou being the first ones to start the time travelling thing. Like first investigations, first ideas of how this is in fact possible, etc. Maybe not being able to travel, but putting the seeds for further investigations.

So, they marry after Genda and Sakuma. They’re in the Japan Football Team but as the same time they work in their own business of ingenery/physics helping with prototypes of really complex technology (I can see them working in collaboration with Tatsuya and Midorikawa). They have three kids and live in an expensive and luxurious flat near a park. They often travel to Italy, they even have a second residence there. They in fact (as any other couple you can ask me) have a long and happy married life. Kidou dies first, Fudou’s the last one of his friends and he makes a special bond with his great grandson Kidou Akira.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Fudou is the big spoon most of the time to cheer Kidou up. Sometimes despiste it is Kidou who hugs Fudou from the back.

What is their favorite non-sexual activity:

Watching Happy Feet 😂😂 ok, seriously. I imagine them being very competitive so they enjoy any game they can play. Chess, Go, Super Smash Bros, Monopoly, any game. They enjoy playing and trying to beat the other so the winner can show dominance.

I also think they'd enjoy walking at night together and sitting on a bench (Kidou's romantic rival) just to breathe air and hold hands in silence, sometimes they'd talk, sometimes they wouldn't.

001 Ship: SomeFubu

When I started shipping it if I did:

The truth is that the first time I watched Inazuma I didn’t like Fubuki, the anime was in middle of the second arc and I didn't understand what was going on. It also happened someone I didn't like loved Fubuki. So it took me some time to like Fubuki and start shipping him with Someoka who is one of my favs. More truth to be said, Someoka was the one that helped me to like Fubuki XD The scene that started everything was the one of "being like the wind together" and AND the Ogre movie. When Someoka gives his T-shirt to Fubuki to defend Raimon, he didn't know him yet and still trust him so much. Being Someoka that meant a lot.

My thoughts:

I adore Someoka so for me is a bit unbalanced, I mean, I love Someoka so so much that Fubuki doesn’t get all my focus here. Anyways, this couple is just adorable, the thing I like most is thinking that Someoka would be so soft and tender with Fubuki, Someoka loves everything in him, he knows him so much. You can’t convince me that Someoka wouldn’t be the best boyfriend ever. And Fubuki would absolutely love him back at 200% or more, supporting his dreams, improving his self steem and being for Someoka when he needs it. I like to imagine them as one of these extra sweet couples.

What makes me happy about them:

I’m always happy when I know someone else ship them because they are amazing. But as they’re not canon there’s no so much content. BUT the only good thing Ares had to me was Someoka being in Hakuren Team (I don’t like how he was used there, but well… that’s another story). And I love watching art or reading of them.

What makes me sad about them:

People being assholes and insulting Someoka and Someoka’s fans. Especially when they ship Fubuki with Gouenji. Ship whatever you want to ship and leave the others alone. Don’t come insulting us.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Sometimes I find that SomeFubu relationship is portrayed as toxic as hell and Someoka is really abusive. And that makes me sad even if I’m not going to read that.

Things I look for in fanfic:

Fluff, comfort, daily life. Happy stories.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

I don’t have any particular ship for them aside from SomeFubu. But if not with Fubuki I wish Someoka to be with the BEST PERSON he could dream.

My happily ever after for them:

They live in a little house in a little town in Hokkaido. Someoka at least plays in the National Team and Fubuki is Hakuren’s Coach. They both play in a smaller local team too. When they are too old to play in the National I can see them running an Adventure and Excursion business, maybe aimed at children so they can enjoy and have fun at the mountain. They have a daughter and a fox Someoka rescued.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Someoka is the big spoon and he loves it.

What is their favorite non-sexual activity:

I really think they’d love to go skiing and snowboarding together, in general they’d love to enjoy snow and then go back home to drink hot cocoa. I also see them cooking together, being the main chef Someoka and Fubuki helping him with the little things like putting near the salt or taking the carrots out of the fridge.

001 Ship: GouTora

When I started shipping it if I did:

If I remember right it was in the match against Fire Dragon. But I’m not so sure with this ship, it could be sooner, but not later.

My thoughts:

I am usually don’t like so much ships where one of them starts with such an admiration for the other because I think they tend to not be healthy. But Idk, I just love them so much? I love Toramaru, I don’t usually talk or write about him but he is one of my favourite characters and I totally felt with this ship. I like the idea that Gouenji can be himself with him too, even if this means that he is sometimes a bit mean or impatient, not that he can mistreat Toramaru because he wouldn’t, just not need to be always perfect.

What makes me happy about them:

I love how their relationship evolves and how Toramaru wins confidence in the anime. I think that shipping or not shipping it’s a really nice relationship. And I also really really like Tiger Storm. I was also happy that in Go Toramaru is the only one of Gouenji’s friends to whom he not only told the truth but asked for help, like their bond is so lovely.

What makes me sad about them:

Not about them, but I was sad Toramaru wasn’t in Inazuma Legend Japan. I think he was in the bench, with Tachimukai, Midorikawa and all the others that didn’t appear in the Team, you can’t change my mind.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Not sure, I didn’t see many fanfic for them ;v; which is the most sad. So, the lack of stories.

Things I look for in fanfic:

As there are only a few fan fics of them I think I’d like whatever I can find if they don’t have my no-no (main character death, and so)

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

I don’t have any other for Gouenji but for Toramaru would be Gouenji’s sister Yuuka :,) (I prefer her with Yuuichi anyways).

My happily ever after for them:

Toramaru runs his Detective Agency and Gouenji plays in a national team (can be boring but they are football players so being professionals I suppose is the best for all of them ;v;). They live in Okinawa, near the sea. Being neighbours with TsunaTachi and HIjikata. They have a really really really big dog called Tiger because owning tigers isn’t allowed (as Gouenji discovered). They’d have 3-5 children, adopted from Hijikata orphanage. When retired Gouenji starts working as a doctor because he actually studied Medicine and because I fucking love the detective+doctor duo :D They have the best garden in Okinawa.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Toramaru is the big spoon or jet pack.

What is their favorite non-sexual activity:

They love going to the cinema together, Toramaru couldn’t go but a few times as a child because he had to help his mother so he is always super excited when they go to watch a movie. Once they grew having the best garden, it helps them to relax and keep stress away. But they always like to watch a good movie, specially if it’s about detectives. I also think they’d enjoy the sea a lot: swimming, surfing and all, once Tsunami teaches them how to love the sea.

[gra-sonas]

Down to Earth With Tyler Blackburn

I‘ve never met Tyler Blackburn before—except that I have. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’ve met versions of Tyler Blackburn. I’ve spent time with the actor on multiple occasions while covering his TV series Pretty Little Liars, the soapy teen-centered murder mystery that regularly generated more than a million tweets throughout its seven-season run. Just two weeks ago I reconnected with him in a lush meadow of flowering mustard outside Angeles National Forest, the site of his PLAYBOY photo shoot. But the Tyler Blackburn I’m meeting today at his home in the Atwater Village neighborhood of Los Angeles is in many ways an entirely different man.

When he greets me at the front door, Blackburn is relaxed, barefoot and still wearing what appears to be bed head. His disposition is unmistakably freer—lighter—than it’s been during our previous encounters. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Six days earlier the 32-year-old actor came out publicly as bisexual in an online interview with The Advocate.

The announcement is clearly at the forefront of his mind as we sit down at his dining room table.

Almost immediately he starts to gush about the positive, and at times overwhelming, feedback he has received over the past few days. Within minutes he’s in tears. He tries to lighten the mood with a self-effacing quip, but now I’m in tears too. Then he tells me he can’t remember my question.

I haven’t even asked one yet, I reply.

“It just makes me feel, Wow, the world’s a little bit safer than I thought it was,” Blackburn says.

The most affecting response he’s received thus far has been from his father, whom Blackburn didn’t meet until he was five years old. Although he avoids offering any more details about that early chapter, he says, “Feeling like I’m a little bit different always made me wonder if he likes me, approves of me, loves me. He called, and it was just every single thing you would want to hear from your dad: ‘That was a bold move. I’m so proud of you.’ It was wild.”

Blackburn can’t pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was bisexual but says he was curious from the age of 16. It wasn’t until two years ago, though, that he decided to approach his publicity team about coming out publicly. At that point, Pretty Little Liars had wrapped, and the actor was without a job. So Blackburn and his team agreed they needed to hold off on making an announcement until his career was stable again. The lack of resolution weighed on him. “A year ago I was in a very bad place,” he says, adding that he has struggled with depression and anxiety. “I didn’t know what my career was going to be or where it was going. My personal life—my relationship with myself—was in a really bad place.” His casting on the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico, adapted from the same Melinda Metz book series as the WB’s 1999 cult favorite Roswell, seems to have come at the right time. Blackburn portrays Alex, a gay Army veteran whose relationship with Michael, a bisexual alien, has attracted legions of “Malex” devotees since the show’s January debut. Roswell, New Mexico has already been renewed for a second season—a feat for any series in this era of streaming, let alone one involving gay exophilia. Playing a character whose queerness has been so widely embraced by fans no doubt nudged Blackburn closer to revealing his truth for the first time since becoming an actor 15 years ago. (As he told The Advocate, “I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to…feel okay with experiencing love and experiencing self-love.”) Still, he was somewhat reluctant. His hesitation was rooted in the fact that he wouldn’t be able to control what came next: the social pressures that often come with being one of the first—in his case, one of the first openly bisexual male actors to lead a prime-time television series. “If you stand for this thing, and you say it publicly, there’s suddenly the expectation of ‘Now your job is this,’ ” he says. “Even if someone’s like, ‘Now you’re going to go be the spokesperson’—well, no. If I don’t want to, I don’t want to. And that doesn’t mean I’m a half-assed queer.” Full disclosure: I previously wrote for a Pretty Little Liars fan site. In 2012 I published a listicle that ranked the show’s hottest male characters. Blackburn cracks up when I tell him this and wants to know whether he bested Ian Harding, his former co-star. After I inform him that his character (hacker with a heart of gold Caleb Rivers) finished second behind Harding’s (Ezra Fitz, a student-dating teacher) I promise to organize a recount. The always-modest Blackburn concedes that Harding is the rightful winner. (If anyone ever compiles a BuzzFeed article titled “Most Embarrassing Moments for Former Bloggers,” I’ll be offended if I’m not in the mix.)

Blackburn makes it clear that he has not always been comfortable with his status as a teen heartthrob. Knowing he was queer made it “hard to embrace it and enjoy it.” Growing up, he was bullied for being perceived as effeminate and was frequently subjected to slurs and homophobic jokes. He describes himself as a late bloomer who took longer than usual to shed his baby fat. He didn’t have many friends, nor did he date much in high school. A lifelong fan of musical theater and the performing arts, Blackburn signed with a Hollywood management company at the age of 17. His team at the time warned him that projecting femininity would hinder his success. An especially painful moment came after he’d auditioned for a role as a soldier and the producers wrote back that Blackburn had seemed “a little gay.” “Those two managers were so twisted in their advice to me,” Blackburn says. “They just said, ‘We don’t care if you are, but no one can know. You can’t walk into these rooms and seem gay. It’s not gonna work.’ I remember the shame, because I’ve been dealing with the feeling that I’m not a normal boy for my entire life.” After landing a recurring role on Days of Our Lives in 2010, Blackburn scored his big break when he appeared midway through the first season of Pretty Little Liars. “I was in Tyler’s first scene, so I got to be one of the first to work with him,” Shay Mitchell, who starred opposite Blackburn, tells PLAYBOY. “Right away, I knew he was special. Since the day I met him, Tyler always struck me as very authentic and very true to himself.” Fans instantly adored his on-screen love affair with Hanna Marin, played by Ashley Benson. The pair became known as “Haleb,” and Blackburn went on to win three Teen Choice Awards—surfboard trophies that solidify one’s status as a teen idol—in categories including Choice TV: Chemistry.

According to Blackburn, during the show’s seven years on the air, he and Benson bonded over their mutual distaste for the tabloid stardom that comes with headlining a TV phenomenon lapped up by teens. Today he fondly reflects on their on-camera chemistry. “It felt good,” he says. “It felt real.” Of course, rumors swirled that the pair’s romance was actually quite real. “We never officially dated,” he tells me. “In navigating our relationship—as co-workers but also as friends—sometimes the lines blurred a little. We had periods when we felt more for each other, but ultimately we’re good buds. For the most part, those rumors made us laugh. But then sometimes we’d be like, ‘Did someone see us hugging the other night?’ She was a huge part of a huge change in my life, so I’ll always hold her dear.” Blackburn also shares a unique connection with Mitchell outside their friendship. Similar to what Blackburn is now experiencing with Roswell, Mitchell was embraced by the LGBTQ community for playing a lesbian character, Emily Fields, whose same-sex romances on Pretty Little Liars were among the first on ABC Family (the former name of the Freeform network). Over the years, Blackburn had come out to select members of the Pretty Little Liars cast and crew, including creator I. Marlene King. But as the show approached its swan song, he started to recognize how hiding a part of himself was negatively affecting his life. He entered his first serious relationship with a man while filming the show’s final season. Not knowing how to tell co-workers—or whether to, say, invite his boyfriend to an afterparty—caused him to “go into a little bit of a shell” on the set.

“My boyfriend was hanging out with me at a Pretty Little Liars convention, and some of the fans were like, ‘Are you Tyler’s brother?’ ” Blackburn says. “He was very patient, but then afterward he was like, ‘That kind of hurt me.’ It was a big part of why we didn’t work out, just because he was at a different place than I was. Unfortunately, we don’t really talk anymore, but if he reads this, I hope he knows that he helped me so much in so many ways.” At that, Blackburn tearfully excuses himself and takes a private moment to regain his composure. “I never remember a time when I didn’t enjoy being with him,” says Harding, Blackburn’s former co-star. He says he saw the actor “start to become the person he is now when we worked together” but believes Blackburn needed to first come to terms with the idea that he could become “the face” of bisexuality. “Tyler’s discovering a way to bring real meaning with his presence in the world,” Harding says, “as an actor and as a whole human.”

Once the teenage Blackburn realized he was attracted to guys, he began “experimenting” with men while taking care not to become too emotionally attached. “I just didn’t feel I had the inner strength or the certainty that it was okay,” he says. It wasn’t until a decade later, at the age of 26, that he began to “actively embrace my bisexuality and start dating men, or at least open myself up to the idea.” He says he’s been in love with two women and had great relationships with both, but he “just knew that wasn’t the whole story.” 

He was able to enjoy being single in his 20s in part because he wasn’t confident enough in his identity to commit to any one person in a relationship. “I had to really be patient with myself—and more so with men,” he says. “Certain things are much easier with women, just anatomically, and there’s a freedom in that.” He came out of that period with an appreciation for romance and intimacy. Sex without an emotional component, he discovered, didn’t have much appeal. “As I got older, I realized good sex is when you really have something between the two of you,” says Blackburn, who’s now dating an “amazing” guy. “It’s not just a body. The more I’ve realized that, the more able I am to be settled in my sexuality. I’m freer in my sexuality now. I’m very sexual; it’s a beautiful aspect of life.” Blackburn has, however, felt resistance from the LGBTQ community, particularly when bisexual women have questioned his orientation. “Once I decided to date men, I was like, Please just let me be gay and be okay with that, because it would be a lot fucking easier. At times, bisexuality feels like a big gray zone,” he says. (For example, Blackburn knows his sexuality may complicate how he becomes a father.) “I’ve had to check myself and say, I know how I felt when I was in love with women and when I slept with women. That was true and real. Don’t discredit that, because you’re feeding into what other people think about bisexuality.” He clearly isn't the first rising star who's had to deal with outside opinions of how to handle his Hollywood coming-out. I spoke to Brianna Hildebrand just before the release of 2018's smash hit Deadpool 2, and she explained that she had previously met with publicists who had offered to keep her sexuality under wraps, even though the actress herself had never suggested this. Meanwhile, ahead of the launch of last fall's Fantastic Beasts sequel, Ezra Miller told me that he's "been in audition situations where sexuality was totally being leveraged."

Fortunately for Blackburn, his recent experiences with colleagues have largely been supportive ones. He came out to Roswell, New Mexico showrunner Carina Adly Mackenzie when he first arrived in N.M. to shoot the pilot but after he had earned the role of Alex, which for him was the ideal sequence. "I think he takes the responsibility of being queer in the public eye very seriously, and waiting to come out was just about waiting until he was ready to share a private matter—not about being dishonest to his fans," Mackenzie tells PLAYBOY. "I have always known how important Alex is to Tyler, and I know that Tyler trusts me to do right by him, ultimately, and that’s really special." Blackburn finds it funny that he’s known for young-skewing TV shows; the question is, What might define him next? He’s grateful for his career, but he grew up wanting to make edgy dramas like the young Leonardo DiCaprio. He also cites an admiration for Miller, the queer actor who plays the Flash. “I most definitely want to be a fucking superhero one day,” Blackburn says a bit wistfully. His path to cape wearing does look more tenable. The day before his Advocate interview was posted, he booked a lead role in a fact-based disaster-survival film opposite Josh Duhamel. Blackburn jokes that his movie career was previously nonexistent, though his résumé features such thoughtful indie fare as 2017’s vignette-driven Hello Again. There, he plays a love interest to T.R. Knight, who tells PLAYBOY that Blackburn “embraces the challenge to stretch and not choose the easy path.” For now, Blackburn’s path appears to be just where he needs it to be. “I may never want to be a spokesperson in a huge way, but honestly, being truthful and authentic sets a great example,” he says. “To continue on a path of fulfillment and happiness is going to make people feel like they too can have that and it doesn’t need to be some spectacle.” As it turns out, he may already be a superhero.

- Playboy

[lanamemories2]

clip clops in on horseback wearing a pointy little dunces hat n sipping frm a rly long crazy straw tht says ‘goblin’ w all of the swirls. Hlo. i’m nai n it’s rly nice to meet u all!!! 23 n she/ha pronouns. i’m one of the three admins here (cleo lazuli on the main) n i’m literally So Excited to get started i cld honestly beat my chest like caesar the ape over it. more abt lana under the cut!!! also like this or hmu if u wna plot n her pinterest is here 👺🌚 

『KRISTINE FROSETH ❙ CIS-FEMALE』 ⟿ looks like LANA JAMESON is here for HER JUNIOR year as a DANCE student. SHE is 21 years old & known to be VIVACIOUS, ALLURING, CHILDISH & IMPULSIVE. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ NAI. 23. GMT. SHE/HER.

AESTHETICS: 

scalding your fingers in shower water until they glow like rudolph’s nose, cherry red gym socks tugged high and nothing else, stepping out into a cold breeze in just spaghetti strapped silk, a red lightening stripe painted over your eye like a new take on the scarlet letter, crowning each finger with a miniature raspberry, hugging a knee close to lick a stripe of fruit juice off the bruised cap, doodling penises in condensation instead of sitting still, a water pistol topped with rum and covered in glittery pin-up stickers, believable smiles that feel more like baring teeth, playing where’s waldo with your lipstick in the crowd of a party and finding red on at least six people’s mouths, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, prancing around in your underwear to a vinyl record with the curtains open. 

HISTORY:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. i picture it w dark oak floors n lots of light furniture. albums framed on walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i described it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”

lana’s mum victoria (vic) ws a music journalist w a pretty fruitful career ahead of her when she met lana’s dad richard (rich). his record label ws jst starting out, founded on the coattails of his rich best friend’s (jensen peters) investment w his other best friend (who he jst calls knoxville). it rocketed to success when they signed poppy injects, a rock band w an electric stage presence, n victoria ws drawn to the glitz n glamour of a man tht ws at the helm of his aspiring industry. their love ws very impulsive, all or nothing right frm the start, n it ws almost like she ws mre in love w his accomplishments n what he represented than him. jst a leetle bit Fractured in its intentions.

anyway so jameson records repped a few big rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. rly troubled characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was kind of an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast n it was just. a very strange environment fr a child to grow up in

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt… quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana asked her why shes so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door

(dissociation tw) bc of this growing up lana adopted this weird like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w noone acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. hes the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her in the zoo they called a home n cut the crusts off her sandwiches (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door n was always over bc he had very strict parents including a military father tht he found suffocating)

SO when caleb n tommy announced tht they’d signed up to the army lana ws understandably…….. completely blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving bt she tried not to b mad at them n made them promise theyd b safe n back as soon as possible. she even asked if they cld somehow take her w them n they were jst like :/ it doesn’t work that way luv x

(death tw, ptsd tw, grief tw, trauma tw, hospitalisation tw, drugs tw) anyway caleb ended up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed tommy die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home sans tommy bt he was never the same after tht. he’s been in and out of hospital twice nw n he’s currently dipped off the radar after starting to use. lana kind of felt like two of her brothers died out there in a way n jst like tht it wasn’t them vs the world any mre, it was jst her. she doesn’t talk abt this tho. when she feels the urge to cry she usually jst smiles

ANYWAY whew tht rly…. took a dark turn there….. chuckles nervously at hw sad lana’s life is bt it’s fine it’s all fINE!!!!!!! ok. so on a mre lighthearted note the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably Very Pretty

(trauma tw) after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

(hypersexuality tw) this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. it kind of… almost mingled w tht same feeling she used to get when she ws younger of being a ghost?? like she jst. only rly feels Real when she’s being touched

(violence tw) a mre recent point of history is her involvement w danny nielsen (an evil npc of mine who is possibly the antichrist??? pending investigation). he attended radcliffe n lived in a house w a group of guys near campus. it wsn’t a registered frat bt he essentially…ran it like one it ws kind of a weird set-up where he ws the King Of The Roost. essentially he found out tht lana n a guy called zeke slept together n he ended up beating him to near death in front of her bc his pride ws rly bruised since they were meant to be dating (if u can call it tht bc danny’s idea of dating is very Warped). ANYWAY he ws found guilty n sent to jail so it ws like Intense n a gd example of the kinds of disastrous relationships she gets herself into. perks of being a wallflower voice: We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve.

PERSONALITY:

always smells vaguely of wild cherries or strawberry starburst or jst the candy aisle in general. if she ws a vinyl record she’d b this one n she’d only play good vibrations by the beach boys, dancing on my own by robyn, play that funky music by wild cherry, femme fatale by the velvet underground n (i can’t get no) satisfaction by the rolling stones 

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. 

deliberately puts on tht kind of Magnetic Alluring Act tht femme fatales wear in movies w most ppl. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand ridiculously absurd n chaotic stories

uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. 

always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops. 

she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. 

daisies n poppies r her fav flowers bc daisies r wild n overlooked n poppies r the first thing u look at in a green field. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually ever been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

PLOTS:

exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. 

mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? 

a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other.

a fake dating plot cld b fun honestly 

someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh

an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool)

someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label

someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh

umm a good influence too mayb? 

oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. 

honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. mayb even one of the high profile kids she grew up hangin w idk. world’s our oyster fellas!

[gffa]

hi! i really want to get into the EU stuff, but i have absolutely no idea where to start. can you point towards a few good books, maybe? thank you, and i absolutely love your account btw!

Hi!  Thank you for the kind words, I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog.  ♥  Recommendations for EU stuff often depends on what you’re interested in, because there are a lot of books I really enjoyed, so I’ll organize them by era, since that’s how fans are often divided.  I’ll also include comics, because often times the comics are some of the absolute best stuff!If you haven’t watched The Clone Wars and Rebels yet, those are absolutely the places to start as they’re key to the fabric of the bigger story, imo.  Not that you can’t understand the movies without them or anything, but TCW is especially important for understanding just how grueling the clone wars really were.  And Rebels is important for showing the fates of a lot of the TCW characters and seeing the Empire vs the Rebellion (it does a lot to flesh that out, too).PREQUELS:

Any of the Star Wars Adventures comics that contain the prequels characters are great.  Well, ALL of the Adventures comics are great, but the prequels ones are adorable, funny, and yet really well-told.  They’re light-hearted and largely oneshots, but the IDW comics have been incredible for still being some of the absolute best SW content out there.  Especially a not-miss is #12-13 and the 2019 Annual for the Padme&Leia&Breha story.

Obi-Wan & Anakin comic by Charles Soule.  A five-issue mini series that has the most stunning art of all the comics I’ve ever seen pretty much, it’s also a really good look at the time of Anakin’s apprenticeship and provides some interesting glimpses into their early days together.

Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith comic by Charles Soule.  This comic was an absolute phenomenon to read month to month and one of the comic series that I’ve spent the most time analyzing and felt it’s really held up to scrutiny, which shows just how much thought went into it.  It’s 25 issues of Vader fresh off Revenge of the Sith, over the span of a couple years, and really does an AMAZING job of exploring Anakin Skywalker as Darth Vader, all the choices he made and the themes of the comic are all about showing he can’t admit to the HUGE mistakes he’s made.  It was incredible.

Choose Your Destiny: An Obi-Wan & Anakin Adventure by book Cavan Scott.  I’m not usually a fan of Choose Your Own Adventure style stories, but this one was worth it to me to get an absolutely DELIGHTFUL book with Obi-Wan and Anakin, who are cranky with each other, but ultimately show that they can come back together and obviously care about each other.  Sprinkle in some other cool stuff (Jedi details, Bant Eerin being recanonized) and it was lovely.

Dooku: Jedi Lost audiodrama by Cavan Scott.  If you’re interested in Dooku, Asajj Ventress, or the Jedi at all, this drama was pretty amazing, it gave a ton of worldbuilding detail, but also did a lot to fill in the backstory of Dooku and gave us a long look inside Asajj’s head as well.  Qui-Gon makes some appearances, he has an amazing dynamic with Dooku, and my heart as always skips a beat for how much I love the Jedi.

Age of the Republic comics by Jodie Houser.  Holy shit, these comics were SO GOOD.  They’re a series of oneshots about the various heroes and villains of the time, a glimpse into the lives of all of them, and Houser really nailed it here.  My favorite is the Obi-Wan one, because the conversation he has with Anakin about Qui-Gon is a must and delves deepest into the characters’ stuff, but all of them are worth reading.

Jedi of the Republic - Mace Windu comic by Matt Owens.  A five-issue mini series that, okay, the art is Like That but the storyline really worked for me because it’s a really good look at Mace’s character and his belief in the Jedi Order and how he came to master himself and how the galaxy looks at Jedi.  It’s woven around a fairly typical action plot, but one of the things that always strikes me is the compassion the Jedi show one of their own, even when they’re falling into darkness, as well as this is a comic about Mace Windu’s faith and his work to master himself and it’s SO GOOD.

Kanan: The Last Padawan comics by Greg Weisman.  Stunning art plus a look at some of the characters/relationships that I want so much more of (TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT DEPA BILLABA) and more glimpses into life at the Jedi Temple, as well as telling the story of how the character went from Caleb Dume to Kanan Jarrus, all of it heartbreaking and so, so good.

While the Revenge of the Sith novelization by Matthew Stover is no longer canon, but it does an absolutely phenomenal job of breaking your heart all over again for the characters and expanding on everything that was going on during that time and really, really gets into the headspace of Anakin’s character in a way that was line-edited by George Lucas himself, so I think of it as having a lot of emotional truths to it, rather than being part of canon (which it’s specifically said as not being).

ORIGINALS:

The ongoing Star Wars comic (by Jason Aaron, then Kieron Gillen) + the original Darth Vader comic (by Kieron Gillen) are the absolute best place to start, they’re an incredible addition to the characters’ journeys between ANH and ESB.  The two comics are meant to be read concurrently, so I recommend them together, they often show the same scenes from different points of view, but you can roll with either of them if they’re going well for you.  They’re my favorite for what they add to the story.

Star Wars Battlefront II’s storyline can be watched on YouTube like a movie, which is about two hours long, has some fantastic characters (Iden Versio and Del Meeko are amazing, but also the brief storylines the OT trio have in the game are fantastic) and it does a really great job of helping to bridge the gap between the OT and the ST, explaining a lot about Jakku’s significance and how the First Order popped up.

From a Certain Point of View novel by various.  MY FAVORITE BOOK IN THE EU, FULL STOP.  A series of point of view stories from various supporting characters during A New Hope is exactly what it sounds like and, okay, not all of them worked out for me, some of them are very skippable if you’re not enjoying it, but the Obi-Wan one, the Qui-Gon one, and the Yoda one are all must-reads because they are HEARTBREAKING and fill in so much of what’s going on with those characters in the OT with regards to the PT events.  Also the Motti one is the single funniest thing Star Wars has ever put out.

Lords of the Sith novel by Paul S. Kemp.  While I’ve only read about a third of this one so far, I’ve enjoyed it a lot, as it’s a look at some of the worst parts of SW’s timeline, where Vader and Palpatine are at their worst, where Ryloth is suffering, but it’s done with deftness and gravitas, imo.  Possibly better after you’ve seen TCW and Rebels because Cham Syndulla’s character will have more weight then.

Legends of Luke Skywalker novel by Ken Liu.  This book came out around the time that The Last Jedi came out (or at least that’s when I read it, iirc) and it was a balm for my soul that needed Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.  It’s an in-universe series of myths, so it’s not literal, it’s stories told about Luke Skywalker as he travels the galaxy trying to understand the Force and the Jedi.  It’s lovely!

Thrawn novel by Timothy Zahn.  I still think the first Thrawn book was really good (even if the shine came off the apple after that) and it does a fantastic job of setting up the character’s backstory, intro into the Empire, and creating the character of Eli Vanto, WHOM I LOVE.  It’s a great read and some of the best of Zahn’s Thrawn work.

ROGUE ONE + SOLO:

The Rogue One novelization by Alexander Freed.  I had trouble connecting to Jyn Erso when I first watched the movie, but the way Freed wrote her as this messy, complicated, thorny person who was trying to do the right thing was perfect for making me fall in love with her.  (Freed is really, really good at writing messy, complicated, worthwhile women, imo.)

Most Wanted novel by Rae Carson.  I loved this book a lot, where it’s a young adult novel set before the events of Solo and helps tell Han and Qi’ra’s backstory and is a great space adventure at the same time.

Catalyst novel by James Luceno.  This does a really great job of bridging the Republic era with the Empire era, how the galaxy went from the Clone Wars to what we see in Rogue One, AND expanded a ton on Galen Erso’s character, his relationship with Orson Krennic and Lyra Erso and Jyn, so it made the R1 experience just a ton more valuable for me.

SEQUELS:

Bloodline novel by Claudia Gray.  This book still does the absolute most to bridge the gap between the OT and the ST, to explain the events of what happened in that time period.  Gray’s writing is best when she’s writing Leia as a character and this book works as a novel for her and as a story about the rise of the First Order and some of the problems of the New Republic.

Spark of the Resistance is a young adult novel (so about 200 pages) by Justina Ireland.  I only recently read this one and I just thoroughly enjoyed it, it was Rey and Rose and Poe off on their own adventure, which was typical cute Star Wars stuff, but the chemistry and adorable banter between these three was so good I could have read an entire series for them!  (I also liked her Lando’s Luck YA novel, if you’re interested in his character.)

Poe Dameron comics by Charles Soule.  Soule’s writing is some of the best stuff in SW so far and he does an absolutely phenomenal job of capturing the charisma of Poe’s character, while also giving him an actual character arc to work through.  The comics just fly by, they’re so good and so smoothly easy to read and so damn charming.

Cobalt Squadron novel by Elizabeth Wein.  If you get the audiobook of this, it’s narrated by Kelly Marie Tran, who does a love job of reading it, and was a book that helped me just utterly FALL IN LOVE with Rose Tico.  It’s a book that does a lot to explain her back story and who she is and it’s just absolutely wonderful.

The Last Jedi novelization by Jason Fry.  If you really, really hated TLJ, this might not be the book for you, but I found it to be a book that helped fill in some smaller details that made the movie work better for me and got inside the characters’ heads just enough to help grease the wheels to put me in a better place with the movie, so I always really like it.