#also kinda fucked up they implied he's into vore

[aussie-roadkill]

guys did you see him... the scrunkly... the scrimblo...the scribble... squiggins...

[a-tiny-frog-girl]

To Help or To Hunt ch. 2

Warnings: Intentional fearplay, intense dehumanization (calling a person an it, controlling them, etc), blood/injury mention, implied vore mention (doesn't happen), fearplay with mal intent, hurt no comfort (yet)

Words: 1012

Summary: Wilbur takes his prize back to his room to see how far he can push the tiny.

"Welcome back, sir. Dinner is being served in the lounge. It's gold plated steak and caviar tonight." The doorman greeted Wilbur's employer with a hat tip. 

Wilbur walked into the ship after him, unsurprised when the doorman pretended he was invisible. He followed his employer up to the lounge where a plate of tough and generally unwanted steak bits was shoved into his hands and then he was shooed away. 

He walked to the worker's quarters, trying to ignore the shifting in his pocket. At least the tiny had enough sense to not alert anyone else by swearing so the other humans could hear. Wilbur just hoped the tiny wasn't soaking his favorite pair of jeans with blood.

The door was the only well made thing in Wilbur's quarters. It shut and locked with a satisfying click. Wilbur put his plate down on the three-legged table while he tried not to hit his head on the low ceiling. He threw his coat in the general direction of his bed and stared down at his angrily wiggling pocket. He poked the tiny form, only pissing it off more.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU GIANT FUCKING BITCH!" The tiny yelled. Wilbur raised an eyebrow in amusement. He really didn't give up, did he?

Wilbur hooked his fingers around the tiny's waist and pulled him out of the pocket and set him on the table next to the steak. He probably would have put the tiny on another surface if any of them weren't covered in stuff, but it would also be kinda funny to see his reaction.

So far, though, the tiny seemed too focused on cussing him out to notice his surroundings. Good thing the lower decks of the ship were far too noisy for anyone to notice.

Besides, how could Wilbur resist a little more fun at the expense of this tiny?

Wilbur sat at the table and slammed his hands down on the table on either side of the boy. It worked exactly as planned, making the stream of curse words bubble to a halt. For a second, the surprise on the tiny's face cracked the facade and he could see right into its soul. It didn't last long, but it made Wilbur realize it was possible. A smirk made its way onto his face.

"I s-said–" The tiny started to stutter, but Wilbur talked over it, uninterested.

"Well, hello there, little rat. Looks like I've got myself an interesting opportunity! You know, I could probably get a few bucks if I turned you in. I've heard there's a taxidermist that'll pay top dollar on this trip even for a pathetic rodent like you." Wilbur tapped his chin, playing up deciding the tiny's fate. "I could probably make even more back home, too. What do you think? Want to spend a little more quality time with yours truly? It'll be entertaining, at least for me." He kept his eyes trained on the tiny below him with amusement in his eyes. It opened and closed its mouth like a goldfish a few times, looking like it was trying to decide if Wilbur actually wanted its opinion.

"Cat got your tongue, little rat?" Wilbur teased. He leaned over the tiny, easily casting it in shadow as he picked up a good sized piece of steak with his hands and tossed it into his mouth like a shark being given a treat. He saw the tiny's eyes look from him, looming above him, to the steak sitting not too far away, and back. He could see the gears turning, practically able to read the thoughts going through its head. Wilbur aided the process by chewing noisily, waiting for the realization of the other option he was silently putting on the table.

The tiny suddenly stumbled back, away from Wilbur. There's the realization, Wilbur thought as he let out a low chuckle. 

"Good to see your brain still works after losing all that blood." Wilbur said casually, letting the tiny stumble a little farther away as he grabbed another bite of steak. It's not like there was anywhere it could go and he could pull it back any time he wanted. 

"You want to fucking eat me?" The tiny finally said, disgust clear in its voice. "No. No way. Fuck off. In fact, while you're fucking off, why don't you leave me alone, big man?" It crossed its arms defiantly. Brave move, Wilbur noted.

"You're right about one thing, little rat." Wilbur let all the playfulness fall out of his voice, clear to the world, or at least the tiny on the table, that he was dead serious. "I am a big man. A far bigger man than you will ever be. You don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of defying me. So I'd suggest you sit down and shut. up." Wilbur stood to his full height, enunciating so that every word could not be denied. "Do you see where we are? This is my room. You're on my table. I own everything in this room including you. Your cut on your leg could look like a paper cut when I'm done with you. Do not fuck with me." Wilbur snarls with all of his pent up anger. It feels good to let it all out, to see the fear in this tiny's– his tiny's– eyes.

He waited for a response. Something bold to turn on it, a whimper to mock, anything. But it's frozen. Wilbur raises an eyebrow and readies a sarcastic comment, but before he can release it, there's a tiny thump as the tiny collapses to the table, unconscious. Wilbur huffed, frustrated that the tiny had cut his playtime short yet again. He supposed he should have worried more about the blood loss, but he just got caught up in the moment. He sighed as he realized he should probably fix the injury if he wanted the tiny to ever wake up. He was having fun, still, anyway. No use in throwing out a toy before it was used up.

[mylittlesecrethaven]

Ok, It Gets Better, Then It Gets Worse

BEFORE YOU READ! KNOW THAT THERE'S SOME CRAZY SHIT IN THIS! VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR INSANE KINKS! DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT I SWEAR! THIS FIC IS NSFW TO THE MAX! DO NOT READ THIS AND COME AT ME I HAVE WARNED YOU!

I decided to read some more of I Love Atsushi to see if it gets better or worse.

And.... it's.... ok?

I mean, a few parts after the first one are ok....

There's plenty of incest, but I've read enough of that to be ok with it. (For fics, in this instance)

And then.... it gets sooo much worse.

I've never read the words dog pussy so fucking much.

No joke, there's a part where the reader is a dog and Atsushi's just super down bad.

And I'd be fine with that. I'm ok with bestiality shit for fics.

But the term dog pussy just made me so uncomfortable.

And I didn't get too much further after that.

There's a part where the reader and Atsushi go to a bating cage.

(This is gonna get weird, so I'm cutting it here. Yes, it's weirder than the dog pussy imo)

And there's lots of very public sex in this.

Like, there's people bating in the cages beside Atsushi and reader. (It's implied anyway)

And reader just strips their pants while Atsushi shoves the bat up their pussy.

And not just a little bit, no no no.

From the end of the bat all the way to the fucking handle.

(And I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that!)

And then he just picks up the reader while they still have the bat inside them by the bat's fucking handle, and swings them.

And fucking hits a ball with the reader on the FUCKING BAT!

I had to stop after that.

It was too ridiculous.

But I will say, there's some shit in their I don't mind.

Ima check and see if there's any piss kink kinda shit, but besides that, I probably won't read too much more.

But I'll keep whoever is actually interested in this in the know.

(But also, I'm still amazed at the author's brain for coming up with this. I fucking love twisted people. Never a dull moment)

EDIT FROM LATER: I COMPLETELY FORGOT I WAS GONNA DO THIS SEGMENT!

I'm gonna read some of the requests that were given to the author!

And they're all somewhat worse than what I've just talked about.

(This post is so long and I'm so sorry....)

Something for a 20 inch cock and another request for a 20 foot cock

Maggots on Atsushi's dick

Vore with Dazai and Atsushi

Atsushi, Dazai, Akutagawa and Atsushi wants everyone to peel his foreskin off and his dick falls off and they have to stitch it back on

Clothed sex (the most normal one here)

Lactation (this one's pretty normal too I guess)

Atsushi fucking tied up sleeping reader (Ok, more of these are ok than I thought)

Horny Atsushi with 2 dicks

Atsushi fart fetish (???)

Reader is Atsushi's waifu body pillow

Reader is a public toilet? He shits and pisses in them? Then he fucks them wtf? (also, this is the 20 ft cock one)

Btw, that 20 inch cock one involved Atsushi getting stuck inside the reader forever

Umm.... Fiona (from Shrek), Reader, and Atsushi have a threesome.... Bestiality and long double cock for Atsushi

Atsushi fucking reader in front of entire agency (Finally, a semi-normal one)

Atsushi wears reader's skin as a skin suit (Never fucking mind)

Gun sex..... Doggy style.... Threatens to shoot reader if they cum early..... Still shoots reader anyway and leaves them to rot.... wtf....

Reader has scoliosis so Atsushi drills a hole in them (???) and snaps their bones back into place WTF?!

Atsushi fucks an orange and makes reader eat it with his cum inside (After those last few, this is kinda ok)

And then a wholesome picnic where reader and Atsushi eat pickles

I know these are probably just for shock factor (just like the entire fic itself), but some of these are sooo fucked up it makes me nervous.

Alright, I'm never going back to this so I'm just gonna list some of the rest of the parts because fuck this.

Poop kink

Body swap

Reader is tinker bell (oh hell no I know how that one's going down)

Doctor Atsushi

Atushi and Fyodor

Wax kink (this one's ok)

Atsushi has tentacle dick

Camgirl

Daddy kink (please no)

Piss kink (I'm checking this out. I'll update and say how it was) (Update: Not my kind of piss kink, but not as bad as some of the other chapters)

Reader is worm

I had to click on this one cause I couldn't read the full title (it's about bondage) and a warning says "Questionable use of organs" TF DOES THAT MEAN?!

Reader is bike (because of course)

I CLICKED ON ANOTHER ONE AND IT SAYS STOMACH ACID KINK IM NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT WTF

Oh.... last chapter is.... normal vanilla sex? Ima check this and see if this is true. Will my eyes finally be ok? (This chapter was perfectly fine, but the comments were all like "This is boring! Bring us the skin suit! Bring us shit and vomit and blood and gore!" And I swear, these people were feral. They were so pissed at not having a fucked up chapter)

I swear, I'm never coming back to this unless that piss kink one is good. (Those are hard to find, don't judge me)

[thesilkenlair]

(Casey Here!)

As much D&D as I play, you'd imagine I would eventually get around to illustrating some of their most iconic monsters! Which is to say, the ones that I personally find the most iconic. Which is to say, the ones I memorized when I was reading my dad's monster manual at age nine. Purple worm - Sandworms never go out of style. I've seen a lot of rad designs for this bugger over the editions, but I favor the slightly less reptilian older takes for this particular critter. It's kinda basic, but sometimes that's what you want. It's like a shark or a crocodile: Just flat out unchanged across the ages. Hook horror - I've heard it rumored that Gygax used a small Gigan figure to represent this monster. I can't verify that, but it definitely sounds right. Hook horrors are one of the very first things you meet when you play around in the caves, and they kind of remind me of the Father Deep monsters of the Hork Bajir homeworld that way. Mind flayer - Mind flayers! Basically, take all of your Dracula conventions and dip them in a fresh coat of Lovecraft. There's that old "decadent aristocratic upper caste system who literally eats the poor, but still somehow comes across as less evil than the actual real life 1%" setup that will never stop being relevant. Though personally, I see mind flayers as the first alternative for folks who want to play that monster-who-feels-the-urge-to-eat-their-friends-but-refuses-to-do-it shtick but don't want to deal with vampire baggage. You know, the furry option! ... Slimy? Rubbery? Do we have a word for anthro-cephalopods? I'm only a casual furry. Gelatinous cube - I'm not apologizing for giving this one a slot. Froghemoth - So, back when I participated in my very first long-term campaign, I played a druid. You've met Talia before. Naturally, I was chomping at the bit for the day I finally got to turn her into a froghemoth, and celebrated the day my wish was finally granted and she was allowed to chug human-supremacist-cultists like popcorn. Yeah, okay, the froghemoth is one of the classic vore-monsters. But it's a charming design in its own right. Kind of a freaky Hanna Barbara critter, like you'd see Space Ghost fighting. No matter how many artists draw it, they can never shake that inherent goofiness that third edition tried so hard to purge. I would probably cram them somewhere onto Fronterra if I was sure they were public domain. As is, I'm 99% certain that this is what Visser Three turned into when he ate Elfangor. Tarrasque - D&D's original kaiju! Kind of just takes the name and nothing else when it comes to its mythological origins, but I don't mind. The Tarrasque is that endgame "let's test the players" final boss monster... Or at least it's supposed to be. My DM reskinned it for our final Pathfinder session, and one of the PCs still nearly killed it in a single turn. Also, he let Talia turn into one, so maybe Pathfinder is just bullshit? Regardless, the Tarrasque has one of those simple, iconic designs. I've heard rumors it was based on the concept art for Fallout's deathclaws, and like the Gigan-figure, I can't verify this in any way. With its reptilian features, twin horns, spiny carapace and grabby fingies, it has an undeniable lizardlike quality that I can't help but find charming. Kinda feels like a more refined version of Zilla? Though for an insatiable eating machine, I notice a lot of artists give it very little belly to work with. Come on, this guy eats entire cities! Give him somewhere to put it! Rust monster - An icon of icons, the rust monster! Drawing its origin from a bizarre Chinese "dinosaur" toy, later designs have made it more insectoid in appearance, but never feeling QUITE like anything Earthly. It's the four limbs. Between the four limbs and the tail, it's hard to tell if it's an arthropod mimicking a vertebrate or the other way around. I'm pretty sure this is part of what inspired my ossaderm creatures for Fronterra. Also, Ryla can turn into one in our campaign. I have no shortage of havoc to wreak when the opportunity comes. Behir - Dragons in D&D are kind of... extra. Godlike beings, paragons of whatever personality trait they represent. Whenever there's something uber powerful in D&D, it gets compared to dragons. It makes them kind of unapproachable. Behirs provide all the essentials of a dragon - Serpentine body, scaly skin, horns, sapience, breath weapon, taste for human flesh - wrapped up in a smaller, weirder, IMO cooler package. You know, your Lambton Worms. A lot easier to port in and out of adventures, a lot less of an event when they show up, but still a formidable force in their own right. I like the behir. The behir knows how to taunt me just the right amount. Bulette - Another Chinese "dinosaur" figure monster, the bulette is actually another one I associate with Talia. Whenever we faced a problem that didn't have a glaringly and immediately obvious solution, she would turn into a bulette, whether it was for beating up robots, digging through obstacles, trampling smurfs, navigating labyrinths, distracting slashers with cute dog tricks... it was kind of her signature form. But shenanigans aside, the bulette is just an excellent monster. While the "land shark" shtick may be common, there's a lot more going on with the bulette's design. It's rumored to be a mad wizard's creation, as he combined a snapping turtle with an armadillo and mixed in a helping of demon blood to taste. Personally, I always considered that to be a neat little rumor to flesh out the world, but never assumed it to be true. The bulette just feels too naturalistic for that. Like some kind of protomammal or crocodylomorph, or weird triassic monstrosity. Magic and demons and dragons and so on DO affect the ecosystem. I always figured the bulette was just something that evolved to compete in this new biosphere. Owlbear - This one, on the other hand, I fully believe the "mad wizard was bored" explanation. Another chinasaur critter, the owlbear is frequently made fun of. What makes it scarier than a regular bear? It can't fly, so why have owl parts at all? Why trade fangs for a beak in what is at best a latural move? Well, first of all, fuck you, owls are creepy motherfuckers, and that alone is enough to justify it. But secondly, that's part of its charm. Besides some improved vision, the owl DOESN'T make it more dangerous. What makes the owlbear dangerous is that it's an insane, Frankensteinian monstrosity roaming uncontrolled through the wilderness! It doesn't need weaponry, its sheer temperament is enough to make it a worthy opponent. Sure, the practical threat might not be hugely above that of a bear, but storytelling isn't about numbers. Any asshole can go outside and get eaten by a bear. The owlbear is part of this world. The owlbear is a reminder of what magic can do. Someone somewhere actually made this thing, for whatever reason, and now the world is irrevocably changed because of it. Owlbears go beyond practicality. They bring the lore! Also, bears don't have very good eyesight, so the big owl eyes probably make them better hunters. Flumph - Is that a Japanese-style martian? Do we just have aliens in D&D? Dear lord, I love them! Okay, the flumph has got a sizable hatedom. And that hatedom can eat my ass, because the flumph is precious and perfect just the way it is! Flumphs are designed as a sort of sidekick-type creature. They're not very good fighters, but they bring knowledge and lore to the table. Whether they're aliens from some far off star, seeking your aid to prevent catastrophe, or psionic natives of the Underdark eager to bask in your positivity and hopefully stick it to the tyrants they're forced to share real estate with. My group generally treats them as straight up aliens, benevolent but strange. Course, we're all pretty strange, so we get along just fine. Otyugh - Okay so, the aberration creature type implies that this is something from another world that doesn't belong. And yet otyughs, which are aberrations, are an essential part of this world's ecosystem? Okay, I can buy the idea that an alien organism adapted to our world and is now a key part of it. Fronterra's got a TON of that. It just feels like after a point, the otyugh would be considered a beast? Otyughs are great. Every ecosystem needs a decomposer, and every fantasy story needs at least one dive into the sewers. Otyughs provide both, and are intelligent enough to keep the plot moving if it hits a snag. There's always going to be garbage, refuse, carrion, decay, things that need to be broken down and processed. Carrion crawler - The carrion crawler is pretty similar to the otyugh in that it's technically not considered a beast, and therefor must have its origins elsewhere, but feels so integrated into the ecosystem that it just feels like it belongs. They usually can't talk, so they're not just reskinned otyughs, but I still consider them pretty essential. Otyughs find a singular spot where waste is dumped and shovel it down at their leisure, while carrion crawlers skulk through the tunnels, actively seeking their food. The crawler got one of the most radical redesigns on the transition from second to third edition, but I can't really choose a single favorite. The oldschool tentacle-faced cutworm looks like it could be a real animal, while the googly-eyed Halloween decoration feels like it could be from another world, merely having set up shop here. Could there name apply to two wholly different creatures? If so, then I'm not sure which one mine would be considered. I kinda mashed them together into something that doesn't quite feel like either. But I like it for what it is. Maybe I'll sneak it onto Fronterra. Aboleth - Tentacled, telepathic sea creatures who turn humans into slimy minions, who remember everything their race has ever seen, and who are always plotting something behind the scenes. Yeah, the aboleths really crank up the Lovecraft elements. Actually, between the mind flayers, the flumphs and the aboleths, even the most oldschool D&D covered quite a few essential Lovecraftian bases. The flayers are your corrupt yet still recognizable humanoids who can be considered truly evil, the flumphs are benevolent-yet-bizarre guardians who know more than you, and the aboleths are the truly unknowable, sinister intellects. The fact that they can barely function on land honestly only adds to that, IMO. They're inherently difficult for a party to reach, and they offer some nice underwater adventure seeds. Not enough adventures go underwater. There's this perception that the ocean is bad for storytelling because so many writers lack the creativity to make it work. I wanna run an underwater adventure now. Beholder - Icon of icons! THE D&D monster! The beholder! Paranoid, jumpy, always five steps ahead and twenty steps perpendicular! Beholds are fun in just about every way. Between their wacky, diverse designs, their elaborate lairs, their eccentric personalities, their bizarre powers, you're never gonna run out of fun with beholders. Remorhaz - It's always been a thing that bothered me with environment-based monsters. Why does the ice monster who lives in the cold use ice as a weapon? Aren't most of the things it encounters going to be resistant to the cold? Sure, a cone of cold will still kill a polar bear, but a lot of the monsters in the tundra are outright immune to cold. A while dragon's not going to get much use out of its breath weapon fighting frost worms and frost giants. That's one reason the remorhaz sticks out to be. We have an icy tundra beast whose insides are a scorching furnace, which it can intensify and weaponize as it sees fit. Which also conveniently explains why its design - a sort of cobra-esque centipede - invokes warm-weather creatures, despite its icy environment. It's a nice subversion of the usual tropes, plus it's just a memorable, cool looking critter to begin with. On a smaller note, the remorhaz feels like a good loophole for Ryla's "no cold weather morphs" rule. Turning into something elementally affiliated with ice is no good, but a non-magical monster that survives the cold by superheating its insides? That seems perfectly viable to me!

[aaaaagaronia]

tremors franchise, hand it over

im just rating the movies that i liked and kept my interest fhhdhs

Tremors: 9/10

its fuckinf fun as hell and all the characters have strong identities. the build up to actually see the graboids is well paced. character conflict is 👌 and realistic. they all powernstance to cope and its Great. too much melvin

Aftershocks: 10/10

👏 more 👏 earl 👏 content 👏 and shriekers are great, theyre just fat fucks here to cause problems hdhdhdhd also pedro is King and aftershocks is just peak himbo rights with grady. burt crying over his ex wife is a wild ride but like hes trying his best, katy is Neat too. and theres no melvin. also theres earl tummy,,

Back to Perfection: 8/10

the cgi kinda made me :/ and was kinda distracting but we get el blanco out of it. also melvins back >:( asmr can't believe burt gets vored dhgdjdhsi its still an entertaining movie!! f to burt but the world keeps redacting his bunker rights

Bloodlines: 7/10

its apeshit and wack and i hate the african assblasters but the movie is a fun clusterfuck

cage scene

i dont really like that they made travis like dsjnkfhcds 40 but he makes [yearn flappy] so im letting slide but i also Hate that it implies that the tremors series is canon and i die every time i remember the series is a thing

[wakraya]

Epilogue Content Warnings

So as I said! Let me just. Pull these up real quick and talk about what each of them may mean for the Epilogue as a whole.

SPOILER WARNING FOR THE EPILOGUE BENEATH!

And let’s start with the characters actually!

John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, Jane Crocker, Roxy Lalonde, Jake English, Dirk Strider, Karkat Vantas, Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope, Calliope, Caliborn, Lord English: Obviously they would be here. 

Aradia Megido, Tavros Nitram, Sollux Captor, Vriska Serket, Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora, Feferi Peixes: Also likely to be either mentioned or to have Ghost Shenanigans. It’s quite the Troll the Meowrails aren’t around though- Equius is not around I guess because he IS a Heir of Void after all. Nepeta not being there though, come on Hussie. that is just you Trolling us with another Dead Nepeta joke.

Aranea Serket, Meenah Peixes: Makes me think we’re not going to see the Dancestors at all. They’re the two more prominent ones, and part of the whole plan to defeat LE, so they would easily be mentioned.

Davepetasprite^2: Please come back, Birbcat.

Barack Obama: This is almost DEFINITELY Dave rapping.

Male Character(s), Original Female Character(s): Likely to be any new resident of Earth C. Honestly, just the Salamanders and Carapaces already fill this.

So now let’s go for the warnings! It should be noted, while all of these do appear, a lot of them are juxtaposed to be humorous with the more heavy-seeming ones, so let’s get into it.

Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Alternate Universe, Death, Incestuous Undertones, Meta, Manipulation, Rapping, Furry, Anthropomorphic Characters, Power Imbalances, Blood, Trickster Mode, Interspecies Relationships, Guns, Murder, Black Romance, Existential Crisis, Xenophilia, Daddy Issues, Robots, Gore, Aliens, Assassination,  Theft, Ghosts, Mind Control, Teenagers, Possession, Kidnapping: This is just Homestuck 101.

Eating, Food, Clown Dynamics, Fridging, Feet, Early 20th Century Dance Movements, Clown, Honk, Faygo: These seem largely peppered in for the fun factor, and to break the... Concerning nature of some of the other ones.

The Economy, World War, Political Intrigue, Genocide, Political Rebellion, Fascism, Religion, Capitalism, Reality Television, Propaganda, Super PACs, Prison Camps, Gerrymandering, Revolutionary Rhetoric: This in general seems like it’s gonna be societal commentary talking about either Alternian or Earth Society, and perhaps some talk of stuff that’s happened in the past of Earth-C. With how messed up Alternia is and the stuff Condy did... Yeah it all checks in.

Xenophobia, Speciesism: The Snapchat Updates hinted at the possibility of anti-Human Trolls, and likely of anti-Troll Humans in the same vein, for literal Xenophobia and Speciesism, or grouped with the prior category for... You know. Sadly truthful commentary on social issues.

Misogyny, Sexism, Transphobia, Misgendering, Gender Transition, Nonbinary Character(s), Identity Questioning, Detransitioning: These are likely some of the ones that people are the most worried about- Specially regarding the one about ‘Detransitioning’. However... Honestly my two bets here are that, John is going to bump into Davepeta and have a brief moment of misgendering them before being corrected and some talk about gender identity, and that Dave may give John a big talk regarding identity and fucked up societal stuff.

Sexual Abuse, Rape, Non-Con, Dubious Consent, Slut Shaming: These may easily tie in with the previous one too, as V mentioned, these aren’t things we’re going to see at all, but they are going to get briefly discussed. So no one’s going to get coerced into anything. Bad themes but, stuff to talk about.

Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, Domestic Abuse, Bad Parenting, Toxic Masculinity: I’m going to be honest. This. This just sounds like Dave’s gonna talk about Bro again.

Body Horror: This could be MANY things. Some awful wound described in full detail, it is gonna tie in with ‘Gore’ for certain. Maybe talking about Gamzee being split in half.

Alcohol Use, Drugging, Drug Use, Chronic Illness, Vomit, Addiction: The drug mentions already happened with Rose, and she’s medicating herself. Thankfully I trust she’s not falling in any sort of addiction, but the ‘Vomit’ tag could imply it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. Or maybe it’s entirely unrelated and Gamzee just barfs blood again.

Mental Illness, Depression: Someone get all of these Kids to a Therapist. Honestly.

Starvation, Suicide, Funerals: These are the ones I’m the most... Worried about. Suicide there could be talk of their Immortality, hell maybe it’s even a morbid but still joking thing that’s not serious, but I’m kind of concerned it may be more. Starvation though, I can’t... Think of anyone who could Starve, except perhaps Terezi having been outside searching for Vriska for so long, and I worry... And Funerals, please just talk about Mutie’s and Rose’s Funerals, please no one die. :I I mean except John, which I’m assuming may die, but I’ll talk about that later.

Poisoning, Pica: Another possible alternative for the ‘Vomit’ warning? It may also tie into some assassination attempt. There’s no ‘overdose’ tag, so I am ruling out the idea that Rose IS gonna start going too far. Like straight up. Pica is also a disorder in which someone eats non-edible stuffs, which could cause poisoning and vomit? But. Honestly? I think... Pica is just going to be Terezi eating chalk.

Friends to Lovers, Polyamory, Infidelity, Marriage, Cuckolding: Now BEFORE any of you crucify me for putting Polyamory and Infidelity together. I know. I’m not implying anything. BUT while it’s possible that like. Rose or Kanaya had some talk about their marriage. I think it could be quite hilarious if John saw Jade, Dave and Karkat like. Making out amongst themselves at different points and assume that they’re cheating on each other, or worse, that they tease him for having that come to mind immediately. ‘wow karkat i cant believe youre cucking me with jade im hurt’ ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP STRIDER, OH MY GOD-’

Pregnancy, Breastfeeding, Breastmilk, Diapers, Children, Babies, Milking: I know everyone’s IMMEDIATE thoughts is that someone’s gonna get pregnant. But honestly it could just be pregnancy talk and... Breastfeeding and Milking that’s just. That’s just gonna be ARquius isn’t it.

Eggs, Alien Biology, Ovipositioning: No! Stop! There’s not going to be any weird Troll Stuff! Shame on all of us. This is most likely regarding the Mother Grub, although I wouldn’t mind hearing more about Canon Troll Anatomy.

Cannibalism, Vore: I am. I am going to go ahead and think this is because of the drawing of Roxy eating a baby??? Honestly who even KNOWS at this point. Is Caliborn going to try to VORE anyone like a god damn snake? Good lord.

Mind Break, Rough Sex, Light BDSM: Remember that there’s NO sexual content in the Epilogue. Confirmed. So uh... Yeah. Okay I added ‘Mind Break’ here for humorous effect but honestly it may be better suited for some of the messed up warnings above, maybe alongside Mind Control? Oof. Rough Sex... I can imagine someone joking about it? Maybe someone gets really shameless with the innuendos. And Light BDSM I’m just going to say we’re going to see Clover. Or... Gamzee DID get tied up. Does that count?

Bimboification: This fucking one. This one is the one that throws me out for a limb the most. It may be relating to the Trickster Mode? It may also be related to Caliborn and him like. Objectifying the characters or something, but that isn’t as ‘ification’. Another thing that’s got me wondering is ‘Bimboification’. As FAR as I understand this term to go, the correct way of saying it is ‘Bimbofication’? So either it’s a typo, OR ‘Bomboification can apparently be used some times for specifically males? What I’m saying is, I can’t believe Lord English really is a Himbo.

Redemption: V... Vriska? Maybe. But also I kinda hope not. I’m really wishing ‘Redemption’ comes from everyone working their shit out together and being a big bunch of friends again.

Canon Compliant, Canon Divergent, Self-Sacrifice: Finally! The last ones! This is both Canon Compliant and Canon Divergent, which should be easy enough to parse through the Meat-Candy choice (And what I believe will be a split-path with the next update). Self-Sacrifice... Yeah that is what’s going to happen with John isn’t it? At least in the ‘Meat’ path. But I’ve talked already too much and gotten too Spoilery, ssssh!

So hey! These warnings don’t look so intimidating when you realize 90% were already things that happen in Homestuck proper, and the rest can be discussed in an adult manner without having awful things happen to people.

I’m mostly worried about people dying and getting hurt.

[eldritch-sanctum]

Unpopular opinion about the Homestuck Epilogues:

I honestly do like how Dirk unfolded as a villain, I like the twist that he is the “Final Boss of Homestuck”, I mean someone you always thought was on YOUR side, someone beloved by fans and the protagonists alike? I guess because that is how a lot of psychopaths do wind up being-beloved by all until their dark secret is revealed, and I know I am kinda...privileged saying this because I never developed a proper bond with any of the kids, except Rose (and how the fuck was she convinced to go with Dirk? Maybe because of her condition, but why continue the cycle of Sburb?).  But I did feel bonded to John and Terezi moreso in the epilogues.

Also the realization that he is an amalgam or has always been there in some way or form, in all the other major antagonists (except the Dersite ones).  He has merged with all his other selves in power and mind, which also includes Lord English, Lil’Cal, and Doc Scratch.  Some speculate he’s become a very vile asshole due to also being connected to and influenced by them, but it’s hard to really tell at this point and might be wishful thinking, but it does kinda explain his feelings for Jake being that of utter disdain and contempt to the point of ruining him (But Caliborn did feel respect for Jake, enough to take his name?), and his obsession with masculinity (notice how when Roxy identifies as a man, he is suddenly fine with it), but one can argue that he’s always been manipulative with Jake, in fact I recall that being a huge thing about DirkxJake being a toxic relationship.  Basically saying that maybe Dirk really always has been an asshole.

I think a lot of people in fandoms still want to think of their villains as murderbabies or something, and there are villains who probably do deserve better, but it’s sometimes refreshing to be faced with a villain whose cunning comes seemingly out of left field. 

Dirk has always been sorta in touch with his other selves throughout the comic in some ways, but his character arc really drew on the horrible implications of him being linked with his other selves, even the ones he made and what it meant since it was seeded into the other mass manipulators, by himself actually, and into his puppet.

Which then brings us to the end of Meat, wherein alt Calliope uses Jade’s body to devour Lord English’s corpse in a way that got Aradia cheering.  This Calliope knew that Lord English was...more than just Caliborn but also a sweaty Void troll and an artificial version of Dirk, which is still linked with the other Dirks.  (Something worth mentioning is that Nepeta is the other Heart player).  Cherub romance and sexual style is said to be typically blackrom and said to be an attraction to a mate that reminds them of the sibling they overpowered and killed, which implies that maybe alt Calliope and Dirk could have been...a bit flirty with one another?  Does this mean eating that corpse was also a tad vore?  Dunno just food for thought. 

And then there is that last ominous line by him:

“I am already gone.”

Which echoes “He is already here”. 

Continuing the cycle of Sburb seems to imply that maybe Lord English was responsible for that, and that maybe all First Guardians really did have some link since their purpose was to perpetuate the cycle using the Green Sun.  And now Dirk just fucks off Earth C to do that.  It’s also stated that Earth C does eventually become barren and home of the Cherub players, which makes it kinda...depressing since it means they didn’t fully break the cycle, and what of the god tiers after that?

Although I did enjoy the meta stuff because last year I did go through a crisis a bit about the direction of certain fictional things but then I looked at some superhero stuff and how there are so many canons and verses and shit like that, which made me think about the fleetingness of canon.  So I do get that criticism of “what is canon anyway? lol” and the escape from canon being the only solution since canon is the “ouroboros”, the cycle in Homestuck which also prunes the broken time loops that ensure everything goes as planned.

Also I read Candy first, so that might have flavored (hehe) my perception differently than others.

[minidigidestined]

Some bad feelings and vore insecurities under the cut ;_; Just needed to vent because I feel like I’m not good prey and a bully kinda made that anxiety flare up. 

I tried to make a new friend at my job today and it turns out he’s a bully. He found out that I love myself and like my body and thought that it gave me free reign to be mocking and rude to me. No matter how much you adore yourself, it’s gonna be annoying when someone is trying to be a bully. I’m sensitive about a lot of things, but I can usually shake things like mockery off pretty well. Well, he kept saying “oh, she’s gonna eat me” when I’d go by him or look at him (among other things making fun of the fact that I’m fat, like going to all my guy coworkers and being like “you wanna date her” and all that) and it just...really upset me. I’m in a weird place feelings wise right now and I’ve experienced some insecurity as prey  and for liking vore in general recently, and for some reason it just really rubbed me the wrong way today. 

I love being fat. Both in the way of feedism and I simply love how it looks, feels, etc. I love being a fat prey, because it makes me feel edible, adorable, filling and tasty. But I sometimes fret over feeling like I’m not good enough prey for all sorts of different reasons. Having this rando guy come at me making fun of me because I’m too happy-go-lucky really put a dampener on my parade, and I know he didn’t mean it as in “oh, you’re fat so you eat people” since that’s not what normal people think, but it still...hit me that way, because I have a very literal mind. 

And now I just feel kinda mucky and sad and blegh. He and a few other guys at work were also shitty about my love and I (implying that we’re ugly, been together too long, our relationship is weird etc. etc.) and my asexuality and I just feel really weird about myself. Any other day would’ve been annoying, but today already felt rough and the “she’s gonna eat me” thing hit one of my insecurities as prey--that because I’m fat I’m gonna be the pred. 

I’m trying to not let it bother me because these are just younger guys fucking around and being jerks for fun, but I just feel...bummy. And crummy. I’m going to try and reassure myself, let my beloved monster reassure me, and imagine curling up in a nice warm belly, safe away from meaniehead people. I wish my monster was there at work with me to eat them up and give them a time out too, lol. 

[totallycorrectfnafquotes]

Can you explain each character from the fnaf books for me?

charlie: the daughter of henry, the original creator of the animatronics and one of the co-founders of freddy fazbear’s (alongside william). has a twin named sammy, who was kidnapped by william when the two were kids. the main protagonist of tse and tto. romantically involved with john to some extent. in the game universe is the leader contender for the puppet’s true identity, as she is henry’s only (known) daughter.

william afton/dave miller/springtrap: purple murder bitch

henry: BEAR DAD. created the animatronics. got accused of murdering kids. built a murder robot and used it to stab himself. deserved better and i miss him :’(

john: charlie’s love interest. he’s a writer. he doesn’t have much characterization besides that which is, kinda sad actually. he had a ton of potential. :/

jessica: charlie’s best friend. look me in the eyes and say charlie and jess aren’t gay for each other. scott and kira had the chance to make her a pretty girl obsessed with fashion but managed to avert it by making her obsessed with fashion and forensics and i fucking love that. i love her. becomes charlie’s roommate in tto. 

carlton burke: the son of officer burke, the police chief. a prankster. gets kidnapped and shoved into the torso of a springlock suit in tse. is a freaking savage. literally responded to will’s do you know what you’re in question with “your girlfriend?” fucking savage. 

marla: another of charlie’s friends and jason’s older sister. she’s described as energetic and friendly. heavily implied to be a love interest for lamar.

lamar: one of charlie’s friends. graduated early. heavily implied to be a love interest for marla.

jason: marla’s younger brother. he’s like ten he shouldn’t be in the murder pizzeria. someone get him out. sees pictures moving on the walls. 

arty: one of charlie’s classmates. i don’t like him at all. he apparently went to a few classes just to be with her which is,, a little stalkerish. 

michael brooks: the dead friend of charlie and the crew. he’s the one possessing golden freddy. william probably killed him because there can only be one michael.

clay burke: chief of police. carlton’s dad. his wife leaves him in tto which is sad because like he’s a good dude. after tse, he took the animatronics and put them in his basement. pretty much a secondary dad to the kids. 

twisted freddy: literally freddy but built by william afton. also more fleshy and more teeth. looks like half of him is covered in bubbles tbh. probably just got his nails done in the main art and wants to show them off. vore bear

twisted foxy: who’s idea was it to give foxy more teeth. he has enough dear god. also built by will. apparently thinks he’s a diglet considering he’s almost always half submerged in the ground

twisted wolf: an animatronic built by will to appear fleshy and real, yet half is glitchy and looks robotic. for some unknown reason, a replacement for chica in the twisted gang. probably will’s secondary fursona, after spring

twisted bonnie: also created by will. apparently has a secondary jaw that’s split in half. that actually manages to creep me out a ton. good character design there. literally is not important at all to the point where he shows up only in the final few pages and then gets set on fire and then gets his ass kicked by the og bonnie and chica. get rekt.

theodore, stanley, and ella: animatronics built by henry for charlie

aunt jen: charlie and sammy’s aunt. the one who raised charlie after henry’s death. appears briefly at the end of tto.

officer dunn: a police officer who gets offed by will in a fucking rabbit suit in tse. he gets stabbed. he didn’t deserve it. press f to pay respects, lads.

twisted chica: doesn’t exist. still has a funko pop

[thenixkat]

Animorphs notes 1

Book 1

Narrated by Jake, my least fav main from back in the day

Books are for people to learn the truth. Implies that Jake considered publishing this shit was a viable option

All this shit started on a Friday night

Marco’s good at analysing shit

Tobias just fucking latched onto the first person to stand up for him

There are ways to describe that yer cousin is good looking and well dressed that dont sound like that

Also this fuckin white boy doesnt capitalize Black in relation to the descriptor of a person

Just described this girl as mystical…

Sexism, but like Cassie will use that shit to her advantage

Marco is the responsible friend

The Andalite space ship is ‘cute’

Tobias is fuckin ready for aliens

Andalite description number 1 puts them as more humanoid upper part and smol ungulate lower bit,3 slits where a mouth should be on a human face, horn-like eyestalks, glittery eyes, blue and tan fur, scorpion tail-thick ends in sharp horn or stinger

Elfangor is set on the whole dying thing, these nice kids are tyring to help save him

An invasion force of maybe hundreds or more. That’s fucking pitifully small.

If I weren’t freaked out by snails I’d say the yeerks sound like good pet material for the folks who like slimey boneless pets. Grey-green as big as a rat

Elfangor thinks an invasion force of maybe more than a hundred could take over the Earth in about a year.

Elfangor is real dead set on dying, meanwhile Rachel throwing out ideas to maybe save him

Damn Cassie just fucking telling Jake he aint scared to have him volunteer to go into the alien spaceship

Andalite ships are Apple products

Why didn’t Jake take the picture too? Let Elfangor look at it one last time before he dies.

Marco is skeptical of superpowers while talking to a fucking alien

Tobi, then Rachel, then Cas all agreed to join the fight first

Cas keeps singling out Jake and pushing him into decisions

Elfangor just letting these kids feel all his feelings

Rachel still trying to save this man who’s dead set of dying

Cas is the first to fuckin cave under Visser 3’s aura and nearly gets them all killed

Elfangor is racist as fuck to taxxons

Elf projects a courage aura for the kids. They should try and learn that power

That hork-controller by the wall can definitely hear these fucking kids.

Visser 3 wastes a perfectly good infestible body. Get a yeerk in that bitch and make him morph and bam, another andalite controller.

Yeah no, the hork-controller by that wall def noticed Jake’s little stunt

Everyone is like wtf Jake are you trying to get us killed?

Vore count is 1

Visser 3 makes vore/bad office jokes

Marco throws up and thats what gets the attention of the nearest hor-controller, not Jake fucking jumping up and grabbing a pipe. Or the kids talking to eachother

Panic and run, and split up. Rachel and Jake independently come to the plan of distracting the controllers away from the slower members of the herd

Hork-controllers bounding like devil kangeroos? These bitches fuckin hoppin after yall?

Yeerks fuckin wasting perfictly infestible bodies

Jake got a person killed

Death count of like what 2?

Tobi is fuckin jazzed at his new furry powers

Tobi got scratched by his cat and it didn’t heal when he morphed. Interesting

Jake is trying not to have a nervous breakdown over this shit

Tobias can hear Jake’s thoughts. Interesting

Tobias has decided that Jake is the leader

Jake forshadows that something is gonna happen to Tobi

Knees reversing direction.

Jake has access to his morph’s memories. Interesting

Jake morphed into a neutered dog. Interesting, so they don’t morph into an exact dna duplicate but an actual copy of the creature

Dog!Jake can smell the yeerk or smells associated with yeerk. Interesting

Kids learn that they cant trust the police.

Marco has no intrest in getting killed to save the world

Ya know I’m wondering why child services never got involved with Marco’s family case. Cause a kid should not be taking care of his parent

The girls have already figured out the whole having clothes and morphing thing

Marco is very perceptive and a better fighter than Jake from the looks of it

I highly doubt that dna is much involved in morphing other than a blueprint of what should be the final result

Tobias morphed a healthy hawk from an injured hawk while Jake morphed a neutered dog from a neutered dog, and that’s very inconsistent for dna being important to the morphing process.

Tobias is one of those weak binches that overly anthropomorphize animals

So the yeerks are photosynthetic?

Tobi wants to blow up the yeerk pool and everyone in it

Tom, ‘Hey kids, wanna join a cult?’

Tom maneges to get something out to Jake

The girls are very good at people reading

Like some cult, it is a cult

Tobias would really rather be an animal with his furry ass

Jake’s gonna turn into Homer. At a party where his brother’s body is. Brilliant

Weak dog eyes that can’t see too well in darkness? Bullshit, dogs have much better night vision than humans.

Dogs dont know despair, bullshit.

There’s a lot of spelling and grammer errors in this pdf

Why is lizard Cas’s best guess for spying on someone who spends a lot of time inside buildings? Lizards are more noticeable than bugs.

Anoles are in the iguana suborder, not family

Jake is too big to fit in a locker well

Jake is a weak ass bitch who doesnt think lizards are cool

Jake doesnt practice shit before entering a life and death situation of his own volition

That … would also be smell. smell/taste, that’s what?

A spider with compound eyes…. What the fuck. That’s not a spider

Vore count at 2

Funky purple lighting in the yeerk pool

Cassie that’s some half assed animism yer going on about. Did you just make this some kinda holy mission?

Team gets a name

Tobi is a fucking idiot. The fuck are you gonna do with a medium sized predatory bird?

So why are they sneaking around durring business hours? Why not wait some hours?

Rachel likes dolphins

Marco is not good at driving

Marco is good at figuring out things.

Jake should pay more attention to his surroundings

Marco is a dark boy

So people saw Jake and Marco in the tiger exhibit

Jake is a weak ass bitch who doesnt like broccoli

Cassie’s missing

Huh, its a good thing that the kids decided to go in for a mission with no real plan and bad starting conditions. Elsewise Cassie woulda been made a controller and their asses woulda been forfeit.

Yeerks fucking zooming around in the pool

Tobias said that there were voluntary hork-bajir hosts and I know that’s bullshit.

The yeerk pool has very purple lighting

These kids better pray that the dude who was them is ded

This tiger feeling description is hilarious. Big cats are cowards who’d rather run that take on challenges.

Tobi manages to miss all of a hork-controller’s head blades in that swoop

Cas, like Tobias was a fucking idiot who chose not to get a battle morph. Also this chick owns horses, horses and stairs are not a great combination

Visser 3’s andalite eyes have vertical slits/eyes oriented in a way that the eyelids close verticly

Visser 3 morphed into a fire breathing 8 headed dragon

Tom decided to go out fist fighting taxxons

And Rachel should be having a terrible time with those stairs, oh she demorphed. Where people could see.

Tom fucking tries to fight Visser 3 the fire breathing dragon with his fists

So the animorphs managed to save one woman, that they know of

Cassie killed that police officer

Tobias got himself trapped in morph

[galacticnova3]

Schlurp schlurp schlorp *sound of me sucking Iru dry*

Ok listen I know it’s supposed to be haha funny but like. Ridiculous or nonsensical stuff is fine, and the occasional raunchy or suggestive thing is one thing… but this is just actual NSFW. One of the tamer ones, sure, but consider the fact that like. You just anonymously sent someone an ask about sucking off their semi-joke oc when it has repeatedly been established that’s not even possible nor something they want to think about. I know I haven’t really communicated a hard “do not send me x” guideline since I usually just delete uncomfortable asks instead of posting them and have faith people can be reasonable, but evidently a. that isn’t enough to get across the fact that I’m not interacting with that sort of content regardless of how much is sent, and b. people being reasonable is an unfair expectation. So, to make myself clear:

Genuinely, I would appreciate a reprieve from asks like this.

Further elaboration under the cut.

Just stick to ruining tortillas, or anons’ shared misogynist tortilla oc, or giving Iru pants, or bullying him, or just whatever random stuff you want that wouldn’t literally count as porn/fetish material when viewed through a lens of being taken seriously.

Or, y’know, send actual asks about him that I can do stuff with besides suffer or joke about! There is more to Iru than “that ugly disgusting incel dude Av made who also accidentally passes the sexyman test”, believe it or not! Iru is a character who is developed enough that I can and have written him in both rp situations and at least two drabbles/oneshots. I like getting the opportunity to talk about him as a character and not just a throwaway joke; he started as one but now there’s some actual substance to him. I enjoy getting stuff that prompts me to think of more stuff about him, and really any of my characters or characters I make headcanons for. It gets boring and kinda upsetting to see someone I’ve put thought and effort into get reduced to just a name to pair with inappropriate or downright disgusting things.

Again, mildly inappropriate stuff is fine. As much as I joke about deriving nothing but suffering from it on discord, just basic “haha iru tittie” jokes don’t really bother me. Just… no more stuff that walks the line where it’s not obvious if it���s a joke or not. If you’re not sure if it does just stick a /j or other clarification on there, or ask if the subject is too much beforehand. I’m not gonna get mad at anons who ask to know what does and doesn’t cross boundaries, but it is upsetting when there’s no effort to check if something is ok or not at all before sending it. Be reasonable, y’know? If you wouldn’t send it unprompted to a family member who knows where you live, or you’re not sure if you would or wouldn’t, just check first. Doesn’t have to be difficult, just a “does x bother you in a clearly joking context?” or even just “are you ok with x?” should be enough in most cases.

I guess as a baseline for the future: legit fetish stuff (vore, mpreg, inflation, etc) always crosses into uncomfortable territory, as does graphic descriptions of sexual or implied sexual activities taking place*. (No, unfortunately, none of those things are generic examples, I received Iru asks involving all of them.) This stuff is not something I’m ok with, even if it’s clearly a joke; regardless of intentions, if it’s on anon it is not consensual. Not that I do consent to it being sent off anon— I don’t want to see it at all. Please just keep it to yourself if you must think about it, I can’t judge you for what I don’t know nor can I be bothered by it.

*That aren’t inherently nonsensical. As an example: fucking pita bread or having kids with a tortilla; both are horrible and cursed concepts, but also so ridiculous that the sexual component only exists because of the specific wording. This is up to my discretion, but basically applies to anything that isn’t either alive, sentient/self-aware, or a sex toy/sex toy shaped. That being said, ideally I would prefer to just not get sexual asks about Iru.

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

-

Alright, on to part three, where Phoenix’s big fat mouth gets Apollo and Athena into deep doodoo.

-

QUICK CHILDREN, INTO THE MANHOLE!

-

SDUFGDGSF YOU CAN ‘MOVE’ WHILE YOURE BEING CHASED 

way to ruin the moooooood XD

-

well athena if its any consolation, smelling like a rotten egg will probably delight sadmad.

y’know. cause youre a putrid egg yolk.

-

“Once a rebel, always a rebel!”

apollo was never a rebel

you sent him back to America before he could do any rebelling.

>OH MY SNARK IS CONFIRMED BY APOLLO

-

oh everyone’s met up now

-

“It was like watching a pair of ostriches bury their heads in the sand”

the FUCK does that mean, Phoenix?!???

-

“dubious hovel”

-

whats wrong with athena? i thought she was huddling up in the corner because she saw something unnerving, then maybe because of all the sudden people there–– but it’s implying she’s disgusted by the shitty state of the place?

what, is Athena a germaphobe now??

-

“He said he hopes you’ll come back and take over this office someday.”

“M-me?”

“Those were his words! He might have been half-joking though.”

I’m not sure which I’m more offended by; the fact that Dhurke still assumed Apollo would make a shit lawyer, or the fact that Apollo does indeed take over. Spoilers. Haha.

-

“must’ve been because of you, dhurke!”

no it was because of Phoenix Wright because he was a cool guy, once upon a time. also because, unlike every other lawyer in the gotdamn series, Apollo just really friggin loves the law. He thinks lawyers are legit cool and he wanted to be one because he just happened to have a passion for litigating. He’s not a prop in your stupid story, he’s his own interesting person.

-

“Dhurke was never a hands-on kinda dad...”

you can motherfucking say that again, vore machine.

“...but not a day went by that he wasn’t thinking of ya. That much I’m sure of.”

yeah he sure was

thinking of the favours he could one day ask of him.

“Doesn’t get more paternal than that!”

Athena, you don't even have a dad. Your opinion on the subject is completely worthless. 

“(Dhurke... And to think, I really did spend my days trying to forget you...)”

god apollo you don’t deserve this. you deserve trucy and klavier and thalassa (being an actual mom for once) HELL you deserve your ACTUAL, REAL DAD.

-

“The victim’s passport and any pictures of him were burned up in the fire. Without knowing his real name, no divination seance could be performed.” 

So you’re telling me Jove brought every single glossy of himself into that blaze? And after the fire, nobody bothered checking the dental records on the corpse/asking where that neato musician from the other night went?

Once again, DDSOJ police, at their best. If there wasn’t a coverup involved, I’m gonna be pissed.

-

( My real dad... I was never really interested in learning about him. )

While this is a totally understandable and natural reaction... I really wish–– Actually, no; it’s best Apollo never learned that he once had a father who actually gave a fuck about him. That’d probably break his heart.

-

“As the son of the terrorist Dhurke, Nahyuta was expelled from the royal family.”

i.... why did Dhurke keep him in Koooraheen, anyway? He really couldn’t have sent him to a happier life in America with his half brother?

-

huh i think that face-palm is a new expression for Vore Machine. he almost looks reasonable.

-

“As his son, Yuty no doubt got the cold shoulder at every turn.”

amazing. not only was Apollo abandoned in America in some shit orphanage with zero contact from anything he knew as family, but Sadmad was forced to stay behind in a country that hated his guts. The perfect situation for both boys!!! No wonder they’re both so fucking grouchy all the time! Dhurke, you parental genius!

-

“Dhurke’s the kinda guy who can become fast friends with just about anyone!”

guess that explains the fandom popularity 

-

“Lol come over n play some jams bro”

“Ok dawg is it chill if i bring my kid my wifes uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Yeah its cool I'm great with kids”

“tight”

-

“It’s like Dhurke’s done nothing but save me all my life” yeah... from messes he made.

-

“Jangly Justice”

god. i want to root for Jove but like. He looks like a tool, he sounds like a tool, his stage name is the tooliest thing ive ever heard... 

-

originally this section was me ranting about how Thalassa would never have just ‘stopped looking for Apollo’ when she heard that Jove perished in the flames, since Apollo’s corpse was never found and the rebels were out looking for her to give him to her– but instead I’m just gonna leave you with ‘that excuse is mad weak and the writers need to try harder.’

-

“You should try on the jacket, Apollo!”

“Yeah, yeah!”

Look, I can excuse Athena, because she doesn’t know. But Datz knows its mold infested and disgusting. And he just finished talking about APollo’s tragic past. What the everloving fuck is up with this sicko?!

Also Athena, you can’t laugh at him wearing an eyepatch when he just got done wearing one all last year. 

-

“I’d recognize those horns anywhere!”

“Is that really the only way anyone recognizes me?”

cue Phoenix harrumphing from the corner and brushing his spikes

-

yknow maybe ive mentioned this before but why /hasn’t/ the queen found the safe house? It’s Dhurke’s old law office; that’d be like, the first place I’d check. Its like wondering if Dumbledore’s Army is based in Hogwarts.

I mean I guess you could say the Queen assumes theyre not stupid enough to hide in their old main haunt but... they’re stupid. they’re really, really stupid. it’s been proven like 800 times.

-

so we just had a ladder convo about lizards?

also what do you mean geckos like to live in houses? i thought they just climbed around outside them. aLSO WHY ARE THEY EATING THEM 

... I appreciate that it ended in a Bugs Bunny Switcharoo though.

...And Phoenix ends it with “theyre just a plain old lizard”

I guess Phoenix doesn’t know flowers or lizards. 

-

i really don’t know why none of the revolutionaries think sadmad’s playing the long con. they’ve all just completely given up on him. what if he was pulling a snape??? they talk about trust and shit and yet none of them trust their own leader’s son? shameful.

-

“It seems like Gar’an has some serious leverage over him”

okay, they suspect he’s being controlled with some kind of blackmail... and yet do nothing to help him? they’re dumb enough to risk their lives doing something like that, but not compassionate or caring enough?? to their leader’s son???? what the fuck??????

-

aww i missed Beh’leeb. I hope she and her (born/ unborn? cannot tell if she’s pregnant or not) kid are doing ok.

-

“So she’s trying to help the revolution along... in her own special way!”

that sounds enormously patronizing phoenix, shut up. she’s pregnant and she has to deal with fucks like Datz running around blowing off firecrackers at government officials.

-

...youre giving the orb to datz.

ill eat my hat if nothing happens to it.

-

“We’ll attract undue attention if we go in too large a group”

oh also because youre dressed like baby’s first paint set but

-

“AAAH!!”

“Do you know something about this?” “Nope! Just felt like shouting is all.”

yes, this is definitely the guy who should hold onto the orb for you. also i presented the attorneys badge. guess he has nothing to say about apollo’s proof of profession, eh?

-

“Yeah... You’d think Nahyuta might’ve cut his old man some slack, but no.” Dhurke you thick son of a bitch

-

wow. one single flashback occurrence where Dhurke wasn’t a dick. Well, 1/1000 ain’t too shabby...

-

“What? You came to visit me and you didn’t even bring me a present?”

What, like your plate of ‘my son is NOT a failure” sushi, Dhurke ?

-

“But I’m not a rebel.”

“Don’t be ridiculous– You’re a member of the defiant dragons simply by being my son.”

HE’S NOT YOUR SON YOU FUCK

-

If you present him your attorneys badge he jokes about dying happy and apollo makes it explicit that he means via execution 

dhurke. that means apollo would die too. stop fucking joking about him dying you prickwad.

-

Apollo: Hey Dhurke know anything about this necklace

Dhurke: OOOAAHHH!!! OHHH!! AHHH!!!!

Apollo: So thats a... 

Dhurke: Hahahahah its a no son give it here

Apollo: Yeah ok i see nothing suspicious about that at all and i sure hope the secret behind it wasn’t important to this case or anything..........

-

me: jeez i hope that stupid necklace was the last thing we had to present

phoenix, appearance from god knows where: hey maybe ask about the hostage

me: bless you baby. also i forgot you were here

-

Phoenix: Sounds like the minister has someone you really care about, cause you totally obeyed everything he did.

i know what youre trying to excuse here SOJ staff but no, straight up lifting right out of JFA will never be ok.

-

“Is there a new lady in your life?” “WHAT?! DONT BE RIDICULOUS SON!”

I’m gay now! Hahaha. But seriously. Nobody wants to date Dhurke.

-

“Amara was the love of my life, but she’s gone now, and there will never be another.”

cue Dhurtz shippers furiously jamming their fingers in their ears and whistling 

- 

wh

what the 

fuck is happening 

to his aRM

-

“You tensed up” HIS BROKEN ARM STARTED VEINING SO HARD THAT IT SHOWED RIGHT THROUGH LIKE 2 LAYERS OF CLOTH

THATS SOME KRISTOPH DEVIL HAND SHIT RIGHT THERE

JESUS CHRI

oh there’s something hidden in there THANK GOD THAT SCAREDTHE FUCK OUTTA ME

-

“Oh I see– so youre hiding a woman’s photo up your sleeve”

oh yeah, a 3D photo. that has bumpy bits. absolutely apollo.

“You don’t need to keep secrets like that from me– You’re an eligible bachelor now. But you’ll... introduce her to me at some point, right?”

this has that creepy ‘parent insists you have a crush on that one kid’ conversation vibe to it, especially since it’s not like Apollo ever had an attachment to Amara to make him see her as a mother; she was ‘dead’ before he could even walk.

-

“Mon dieu! Are you into younger women, Dhurke?!”

Athena,,,,,,,, athena,,,, Apollo,,,,, he’s 

it’s 

oh never mind.

-

“Heh heh. Dhurke, you old dog, you. You got yourself a younger lover.”

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, NO, NOT NEVER MIND. YOU HAVE A PHOTO OF AMARA. YOU KNOW WHAT AMARA LOOKS LIKE. YOU KNOW HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PAST AND PRESENT DHURKE BECAUSE THERES NO WAY HE COULD JUST RANDOMLY CUT HIS HAIR AND THEN HAVE IT GROW BACK THAT FAST.

I KNOW YOU THINK SHE’S DEAD BUT AT LEAST FUCKING SAY YOU THINK IT’S HER TWIN SISTER YOU UTTER UTTER NUMBSKULLS

“This is Amara before she died. If you look closer, you’ll see that I was younger, too.”

“Hey. You’re right.”

“Aww, that’s no fun.”

MY ULCERS ARE NO FUN BUT GUESS WHAT NEITHER IS LIFE

-

“Wait a second... Haven’t we seen this woman before?”

DAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH

GOOD FUCKING BALLS PLEASE PLEASE LET THEM BE TROLLING DEAR GOD AAHGGDFKAFAGF

-

i really love that photo though. everything about it is generally just really nice.

-

wait hang on. they. they just. they kept her around? after her fake assassination? they just–– WHERE YOU COULD GET A PHOTO OF HER?!

EXPLAIN–– THERE’D BETTER BE A GOOD EXPLAIN

-

“She was confined within the grounds, but she was fit as a fiddle.”

Ga’ran. Ga’ran. Ga’ran. You stupid, stupid, stupid bitch.

-

“She was being held under virtual house arrest, so I freed her, and we made a run for it.”

“Of course, we didn’t just proclaim it to the people so that they’d realize Ga’ran was a dirty bitch; that would have been way too easy hahaha.”

Ohhh I see. They didn’t know Ga’ran was the one who did it. Except Ga’ran was the one who kept her under house arrest and faked her death so... It’s pretty obviously her? Amara would know that by putting 2 and 2 together? But no... Apparently Amara was suspicious enough to suspect Dhurke of being the arsonist like Ga’ran said, but brave enough to ‘accompany him so she could ascertain the truth for herself.’

hey remember when i said brave. i meant stupid. she was stupid enough to go with someone she thought might have tried to kill her, completely unsupervised. though i guess you'd have to be that dumb to actually fall in love with Dhurke in the first place.

AH, and she was immediately recaptured. Because Dhurke sucks. 

Waaaaait wait wait. How long and when did he ‘rescue’ her? The incident was 23 years ago, but Rayfa is 14– and Amara would need the usual 9 months to gestate– plus, the room she’s holding Rayfa in has the Defiant Dragons handbook in there, so it’s probably someplace of Dhurke’s–– 

Meaning there was a nine year gap but they still didn’t show her to the general public to depose gar– AGHHH. ITS ALL TERRIBLE!!!

-

“Apollo. We need to grill the queen about Amara when we have the chance.”

Hobo Nick’s ghost: Hey uhh me, that might get you uhhhhh murdered i thought we got over that after von karma tasered the shit out of u––

SOJ Nick: DOOOOHHOOOHOO I LIKE SOLVING MYSTERIESSS

-

Apollo: hey maybe the baby Amara’s holding is me. 

Athena: Nah it’s too cute to be you.

Apollo: ....i just want to have proof that I’ve known the loving touch of a mother at least ONCE ATHENA OKAY???

-

“Hm? Oh... well, either way, it’s not you, son.”

yeah fuck you apollo the Sadmahdis only love their REAL children

also its Rayfa. it was in the safe next to Rafya’s letter; Rayfa basically identified it as herself when she saw it, it’s Rayfa.

Apollo: wow youre sure acting vague and suspicious about this; guess i’ll just accept it for what it is.

-

Dhurke: [tells apollo’s he's going to die and leave him fatherless again]

Apollo: [immediately assumes its another of Dhurke’s jokes because Dhurke’s jokes are horrible and always at Apollo’s expense]

-

phoenix: ...are you sick?

NICK

OH MY GOD 

i shriek laughed 

-

Apollo: [clearly emotionally distraught] 

Dhurke: [continues to dance around the issue, thus prolonging Apollo’s suffering]

-

(Why is this happening now? Just when I was finally starting to feel like you really are my...)

HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, APOLLO

GET OUTTA THERE

-

So far Apollo hasn't said “i’m gonna do x and x and x, or die trying!” and honestly i know it’s a bit on the nose but it’s more true for this situation than any other ones it’s usually said in.

-

Dhurke: I’ve got a big secret

Apollo: You’ve been hiding something *ELSE* from me?

Dhurke: I’m afraid I can’t tell you what it is. I’d be betraying a certain someone if I did.

WHY DID HE EVEN BRING IT UP THEN!? WHY IS DHURKE JUST THE FUCKING WORST?!!!

-

“You’ll discover a truth that is hard to accept. But I know you. And I know you can handle the truth, no matter what it turns out to be.”

After all, you’re super great at accepting all the misfortune my existence has heaped upon you! Hahaha!!!

-

“Apollo... Are you okay?”

“...I’m fine.”

they ask you how you are, and you just have to say that you’re fine, when you’re not really fine, but you just can’t get into it b

-

h e r e   c o m e   t h e   r e b e l s

-

and once again you have to manually move there. 

-

action bomb over here from Vore Machine 

also beh’leeb sweety youre doing amazing

-

“Dhurke belongs to the people!! Give him back!!!”

he what now

-

(sigh)

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................hi.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................sadmad...............................................................................................................................................................................

-

“They’ll be arrested? Just for protesting?!”

Apollo... you live in the real world, r–– oh well technically he doesn't hm

that point’s moot

-

“They are aiding and abetting a criminal by seeking his release”

uh pretty sure that’s BS yut

-

“Her Eminence, Queen Ga’ran, has ordered they be arrested and judged en-masse”

ok im fucking 

im 

I'm wheezing so bad not ONLY do we have to save a revolution and Dhurke the rebel leader, but we are now about to defend most of the population of an entire country at once. Stakes RAISED bro

-

good fucking lord apollo stop being all “weren’t you a defiant dragon once?!wehh!!”

even Phoenix, with his Edgeworth obsession, didn’t really question it when Edgeworth was being his shithead prosecutor self.

-

Nahyuta: Sigh. Guess I can’t escape you. I mean I could use my magic beads to tie you up and then prance off but i have a plot to advance.

-

“Enough with the zen monk act, Nahyuta– Tell me how you really feel!”

Damnit, Sadmad, it’s not like we have someone who can read emotions by listening to-– oh yeah.

-

“She’s being held in secret where nobody is allowed to see her.”

second time’s the charm!

-

Apollo, simply bringing up the reason he’s doing what he’s doing won’t get him to stop. Remember the Phoenix and Maya situation? Until you can guarantee her safety, Sadmad’s just going to keep steam rolling along.

-

OH FINALLY 

ok athena dish the dirt

- 

alright, here we go, folks. time for Nick to get all their asses killed. i mean just listen to that ominous music :/

-

i love her laugh sprite. 

“a lawyer AND  a comedian, HOW DROLL”

the royal guards weird me out a bit though. its those masks. I'm getting high lady gaga gives 

lady gagaran

-

Apollo: better give her evidence to burn–– i mean, jog her memory with some evidence.

Ghost of hobo nick: future me!! stop this!! don’t you remember what always used to happen?!

SOJ Phoenix: DOOOHOOOHOOO WE GOT HER NOW, APOLLO! 

-

...........that worked

....no it didn’t. just spring you damn trap already, gagaran.

-

Apollo: Hm better not tell the people, that could stir up the revolution and actually make it happen. Especially since there might be REAL terrorists hiding out there, just waiting until someone goes, “Hey, that dead queen isn’t really dead!!”

-

lol

something went wrong?? no way

-

“Eeeek! Apollo! Don’t strip here!!!”

why is athena such a ditz in this case???

-

I HEARD A BELT 

-

wow. apollo’s ass canonically bared in AA6

klavier gavin cries a million miles away

-

“HE WASN’T HIDING THE BULKY ASS ORB IN HIS CLOTHING, YOUR EMINENCE”

“damn i really thought he was hiding it in his skintight pants and vest. also ignore the other two, they couldn’t possibly have it.”

-

oh lord pls don’t hurt rayfa

-

“Your mind has been poisoned by the barbed one.”

“It was an honour and pleasure, your eminence”

phoenix i know that was highly badass and all but youre literally sitting pretty to be executed 

-

“”””discipline””””

-

“Well, Apollo, let’s head back to the safe house for now.” 

yes, just in case any spies follow us! so that the queen can get her hands on the orb that much fast!!

-

oh hi edgeworht, youre in this game

-

WOO YOU TELL’EM EDGEY

DOWN WITH PLUMED PUNISHER!! DOWN WITH PLUMED PUNISHER!! DOWN WITH PLUMED PUNISHER!!

-

“Moving along to things that actually matter...”

it’s true, but he shouldn’t say it

-

“Yeah, it’s like the more we learn about this case, the less we understand.”

just like me and this game’s writing process

-

“A trial without evidence...”

there’s evidence, you wankers, what do you think that photo of amara, the old case files and the necklace are????

-

“Athena, you’re too young and extra to die. Sit this trial out so we can save on sprite space.”

“Gotcha, chief.”

-

“Plus, there’s prosecutor Blackquill to think of. he said he’d use me for sword practice if he put you in harms way.”

Yeah, if Athena dies, who’ll his new punching bag be??? don’t think i haven’t forgotten story teller. i will not forget. i will not forgive.

-

“Remember; the worst of times are when lawyers have to force their biggest smiles.”

ugh, finally it’s used semi right. 

-

And so, we come to the end of another frustrating chapter. It’s finally time to move on to the final trial. I’m actually kind of curious to find out how everything went down– though something tells me my suffering won’t end when i do. 

Welp, friends –  till next time. The final hurdle is at hand. Or at least, part one of it.