#also like i’m stressed cause the thesis is one credit right

[gerards-way]

i’m so not ready to start school in two weeks

[wowweeharrystyles]

Part 1 | Kindness & The Perfect Fit | 9.2k words

‘Sequins & Zippers’ Summary: An internship with Harry Lambert transformed into a job of a lifetime - Aurora Del Gatto finds herself touring the world with the one & only Harry Styles as his ‘Head of Wardrobe.’ Aurora is nothing but nerves & excitement as she packs her bags & almost 100 custom designer suits that belong to an unbelievably kind rockstar. She never thought she’d fall in love on top of it all.

A/N: So here’s part 1 of Sequins & Zippers. A MASSIVE shoutout to @niallhoranapologist​. If it weren’t for Gwen I probably wouldn’t have continued to work on this story. Thanks for always helping me brainstorm ideas, listen to me talk about these fictional characters all the time & for continuously supporting my writing. you da best. 

“Ugg, this is useless,” Aurora groans as she throws the t shirt she had in hand across the room. Aurora has been attempting to pack her suitcase for hours now. “How the hell am I supposed to pack 4 months worth of clothes in a single suitcase?” she whispers in defeat to herself.

“Rory? Everything alright?” Aurora’s mother calls from the other room. Rory is the nickname her mom gave her when she was only a baby. Her mother walks into her room and sees the frustrated look on her daughter’s face. 

“25 countries? The weather is gonna be different in every freaking country,” Rory lets out a frustrated sigh, falling onto her bed. “I can barely pack properly for a weekend trip.” 

“Hey, you’re thinking too hard and overwhelming yourself,” her mother says softly as she sits on the bed next to her. She places a hand on her shoulder, “Let me help. We’ll figure it out.” 

Aurora is currently trying to pack for her new job. After the craziest year she’s ever had, packed with graduating college, moving to London to work with one of the most well-known stylists in the fashion industry and having the time of her life doing what she loves most, she was offered a career-altering job for the next 4 months. Never did Aurora think she would be sitting in her room back home in a small suburb of New York surrounded by cardboard boxes labeled with things like: “NYC Apartment - kitchen,” “London - winter clothes,” “School things,” “London Flat - bedding,” “I have no idea, from london.” Organized Chaos explained her life best right now. 

“Rory, sweetie, where’s your list?” her mother asks, looking around to locate the papers she’s been carrying around for the past week that’s covered in scribbled notes, lists upon lists and small sketches here and there. “Should’ve really been keeping that stuff in a journal or something.” She finds the papers scattered on Aurora’s desk and a few laid on top of boxes. “Probably wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if you could be a little bit more organized,” her mother sighs gathering the papers into a stack, tapping the bottom edges on the desk to line them up. “You’re normally so much more organized,” her mother continues before pressing a kiss to Aurora’s hair. 

“It’s a lot, Mom. I don’t know where to start.” She stands up from her bed and grabs her phone as it dings, indicating she’s received an email. “Finally!” she exclaims with a sigh of relief. “Harry’s just sent me my official itinerary and all of my flight info.”

“Harry Styles himself emailed you your travel plans?” her mother asks in disbelief. 

“No, mom, Lambert. Harry Lambert, my boss.”

“Oh yeah, of course,” she laughs lightly, “How many mix ups has there been with that name?” 

Aurora’s new job is ‘Head of Wardrobe’ for Harry Styles’ Arena World Tour. In all honesty, she has no idea how she got here. Well she does, but it still doesn’t feel real. Lambert’s original hire for the tour ended up needing to stay in London to help him with his styling work there and she was next in line, but she still isn’t too sure how she got this lucky. The past year happened so fast and it was one opportunity after another that landed her here. She’s barely had a moment to breathe after the holidays and some small jobs here and there to keep her busy. Last January, just over a year ago, Aurora traveled to London for a six week menswear design course at Central Saint Martins for some extra credits before her final semester of college. During this course, she was lucky enough to met Harry Lambert. After he saw her collection of work from the past few years, what her thesis plans were and what she had been working on during the CSM course he kept her information on file for the future. When Aurora left london at the end of the course she had no idea if she would ever hear from Harry Lambert again, but around mid march she received an email from him about an internship position he needed to fill and thought she would be perfect for. Starting the internship in NYC before she even graduated, May was a whirlwind and was the perfect indication on how the rest of her year would be. She moved to London in June and was put to work without a second to spare. 

“Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do,” Aurora’s mother starts before launching into a detailed plan on how they’re both gonna tackle packing up Aurora’s life for the next 4 months on the road, traveling. They’ve got barely 3 days until her flight leaves for London.

Nearly 4 hours later and they’ve organized Aurora’s room. Unpacking the appropriate boxes, written a new packing list, and they’ve also written a shopping list. They’ve got organized piles surrounding them. Again, Organized Chaos best describes Aurora’s life, always. 

“Oh, what about that long pleated skirt you made last year? The emerald green one? You definitely need to take that.” Aurora’s eyes lit up at the idea. She loved that skirt, it was versatile enough that she could pair with heels or sneakers. Versatile pieces were key to packing she found out quickly. Her mom reaches into her closet and searches for it. “Probably at the back, haven’t worn it in awhile,” she motions towards her closet while sorting through the box of her bags, making decisions on which ones she’ll need with her. 

“Oh gosh, Rory, look what I found,” her mom emerges from the closet with a handful of rolled up posters. 

Aurora goes bright red knowing exactly what is on those posters. “Oh no. I kept those?” her mom sets them down on the floor but keeps one to unroll. Once the tape is off and her mom has got it flat, she turns it around to face Aurora. It’s a large poster of One Direction from a TigerBeat magazine. Aurora drops her face into her hands. 

“Remember when you couldn’t see a bit of the wall cause of these posters? If I remember right, you liked that blonde one yeah?” her mom laughs, rolling the poster back up. “Maybe you should take one with you and have Harry sign it? He’d get a kick out of it, I’m sure.” 

“Mom!” Aurora whines. “This is my job, my career. I have to be nothing but professional.” 

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a joke or two. Gotta have fun still and honestly, he’d probably think it’s cute.” 

“Mom, it’s embarrassing and I’m gonna be working with him and his team for the next 4 months.” Her mother can see the panic on her face. “I cannot just show up with a One Direction poster.” 

“Ror, I’m just having a bit of fun with you. You need to relax or you’ll just be frustrated and stressed the entire time.” She sets the posters aside and goes to join Aurora on the floor. Placing a hand on her cheek, “Baby girl, my baby girl, promise me you’ll have some fun? This is a chance of a lifetime and I know you’ll work your butt off and do your job perfectly, but you need to enjoy it too. Okay?” Aurora nods slowly. She knows her mother is right, she always is. 

“Okay,” she says softly giving her mom a weary smile. 

“You’ll be okay, I know you will,” her mom says before leaning in and hugging her daughter. “I’m so proud of you.”

Aurora and her mother continue bustling around her room until the sun sets. By the time there is no daylight left there are 2 large suitcases completely full, all organized and packed with Aurora’s belongings. They spend the next hour packing up Aurora’s rolling caboodle. The large, rollable, sturdy set of drawers and compartments is from Aurora’s days as a competition dancer. It used to carry her stage makeup, extra pairs of tights, accessories and an emergency sewing kit. It was always covered in glitter and there were bobby pins in every nook and cranny, a few stray sets of false eyelashes too. But for the past 4 years, she’s used it for all things sewing and design. She never went to class or the design studio without it. Aurora and her mom empty the drawers and reorganize the contents. They make another list of things they need to pick up at the local sewing store the next day. Aurora pulls out her old sketchbooks and sets them to the side and adds a new clean book to the now empty drawer along with her cases of Micron pens, drawing pencils and prisma coloured pencils. 

Aurora continues to organize each little compartment as her mother prints out small labels and adds them to the section dividers. Aurora loves to be overly organized and have everything in its place. It keeps her calm and stops her from getting overwhelmed in stressful situations. There’s nothing she hates more than being backstage at a fashion show and needing a simple needle and thread to fix a small seam quickly and having to dig through the drawers to find what she needs. Backstage life, anywhere, fashion shows, dance competitions, or even a world tour, can be stressful if you’re not prepared properly. 

“Oh, keep the box of sequins and swarovski crystals in there. I actually might need them.” Aurora finishes the sentence with a giggle as she’s setting her scissors in their respective home. 

“Really?” her mom laughs too. 

“Yeah, some of the looks for this tour are actually pretty sparkly. You never would’ve thought. I actually might have to bedazzle a few things on the road.” 

“You’re home!” her mother sing-songs. They both laugh again thinking about the countless hours they spent bedazzling dance costumes with 100’s of crystals. 

After saying goodbye to her parents through a continuous flow of tears, Aurora got on an 8 hour flight. She kept herself busy on the flight to occupy her mind and stop her from overthinking or panicking about the next 4 months ahead of her. She landed in London on the 3rd of March, just a few days till she’d be back at this exact airport with the same luggage plus a few crates labeled ‘Wardrobe’ that she’d also have to care for. She made her way to the Air B’N’B that had been set up for her for the next few days and headed straight to bed. One thing Aurora, jokingly, prides herself on is the ability to sleep anywhere at anytime. 

When the morning rolls around and her alarm wakes her, she’s preparing herself a cup of coffee when her phone rings. She notices Lambert’s ID on the screen. She answers and they exchange good mornings before he asks her about her travels from the day before. 

“Okay, so, I’m sending a car to where you’re staying in about an hour to bring you to the arena.”

“Arena? I thought we were meeting at your studio?” 

“Oh no, change of plans, sorry should have mentioned that in an email. Harry is in full rehearsal mode and everything for the tour is at the mock stage space at Wembley Arena. They’ve just finished the final tech rehearsals and Harry will be there today to start running the show,” Lambert continues. The new knowledge of Harry Styles being there on her first day makes Aurora jittery, small butterflies erupting in her stomach. She’s met Harry before. They’re friendly, but she was only just Lambert’s shadow anytime they were together. He was sweet and kind, just as everyone always says, but she was still a tad nervous. She will be with him almost everyday, on her own, without Lambert there to be a buffer. Aurora tended to be a nervous person, especially if she doesn’t know someone all that well. She can keep her nerves at bay and save a proper panic for after the situation ends most times, which is the best she can do right now. It’s something she’s working on. It’s what she hates most about herself, not being able to keep her nerves in check. 

“Oh yeah, makes sense,” Aurora responds, surprisingly with no jitters evident in her voice. 

“Great, I can have the run of show lookbook all put together for you when you arrive and we’ll go through it and make notes.” “Do you mind if I actually set it up when I get there? I would feel much better and more settled doing it myself as we do a walkthrough of the wardrobe.” 

“Of course, Aurora, whatever you think will work best for you.” 

She thanks him and they end the phone call after confirming the time and car that will be picking her up. She finishes off her coffee and heads to the living room where she left her suitcases last night. One of the large suitcases was lying on the ground, opened, exactly where Aurora left it last night. She ruffles through the contents of her suitcase, moving around different packing cubes until she finds the cube that contains her favourite black jeans. She locates a creme hooded knit sweater and some clean undergarments. She pops into the shower and continues to bustle around the small flat getting ready. At some point she turns on some music to distract her mind. There’s an airy feeling in the flat, the sun shining in london for a change and it calms Aurora down despite the nerves running through her veins. Aurora checks her watch, 10 minutes until her car is due to pick her up. She slides on her all white leather court sneakers and laces them up, tucking in the excess laces for a clean finish. She grabs her black bomber jacket and slips her arms in, then pulls out the hood from her sweater so it lays comfortably on the outside of the jacket’s collar. She takes a quick look in the full body mirror that leans up against the white brick wall across from the large, unmade bed. She’s reminded by the reflection in her mirror to text her mother and thank her for convincing her to pack her favourite clothes instead of all her fancy stuff. She looks put together but is still extremely comfortable, prepared for anything today has to offer her. 

There’s a short honk from the street in front of the building. Aurora grabs her rolling caboodle and her purse before rushing out the door to meet the driver. 

20 minutes later she finds herself stepping out of the car and thanking the driver for holding the door. He grabs her caboodle from the trunk and hands it to Aurora and wishing her well and to have a nice day. Harry Lambert greets her at the door giving her a big hug and exclaiming about how excited he is to have her there. He takes her an office where the tour manager, Michael is set up. The office is busy with several people working at desks on laptops and people taking phone calls. Lambert introduces Aurora to the team and gets her set up with her tour pass and all the nitty gritty stuff. Within half an hour she’s all set for tour and has her new lanyard tied to her on a belt loop. They walk through the never ending halls plastered with signs that state “Treat People With Kindness” and Aurora smiles everytime she sees another. Lambert points out different places, important notes posted on bulletin boards and casually introduces her to people as they quickly pass. 

Everyone seems to be on a mission, darting in and out of rooms and talking on headsets. It’s a busy atmosphere but nobody seems stressed or upset. Aurora appreciates the hustle that everyone seems to have. There’s smiles and high fives passed between crew members and coffees getting pass along. Lambert points out where Harry’ band’s dressing room is and then Harry’s as well. Harry’s reads “Hershel” on the sign that sticks out from the wall. 

“Hershel?” Lambert chuckles when he sees the confused look on her face. 

“Yeah, Jeff, his manager, you’ve met him, calls him Hershel 95% of the time.” She nods along with a smile. After making their way through a few more halls they reach a larger dressing room. “Okay, so here’s our space for the week.” Aurora rolls her caboodle and sets it against the wall near the door for now and sets her purse down on an empty space on the counter that lines one of the shorter walls. On the wall directly across from the doorway there are 3 large black cases that stand about 6 feet tall, opened and filled with garment bags. 

“Is everything here already?” Aurora makes her way towards the case farthest left. 

“Hopefully!” Lambert picks up a large binder that’s sitting on the table across from a small leather couch. “That’s where we’re starting. Checking through each night’s look and making sure it’s all here.” She takes the binder that Lambert has handed her and opens it up to the first page.” 

“Oh wow. I almost forgot how beautiful these suits are.” Towards the end of her internship in London, Lambert let her help him pick some options for the tour. She thumbs through the book quickly to get a glimpse of the beautiful designer suits. She notices quite a few of her favourites made the cut. The 2 of them sit down and devise a plan to best get through this large task of double checking the 60 looks in front of them. They’re about ¾ the way through around 1pm when they mutually decide to take a break and grab some lunch before they power through the rest of the wardrobe. After meeting more members of the crew and grabbing another cup of coffee, Lambert and Aurora make their way back to their dressing room. 

“Hey, let’s go take a look at the stage,” Lambert said as he made a sharp turn in the opposite direction of the room they’ve been working in. “I haven’t seen the final setup yet.” 

“Oh, I’d love that!” Aurora’s face lights up at the idea. They enter from the back of the stage. The stage itself is fully constructed but the light trees are currently hanging low to the ground and crew members are working carefully to change the direction, colour or size of each bulb. Lambert excuses himself as he takes a call, telling Aurora he’ll meet her back in the dressing room in 15 minutes. Aurora continues the theme from today and introduces herself to the stage crew. “Mind if I check out the stage?” she asks Jack, one of the crew members who introduced himself as the Stage Manager. 

“Go ahead, just keep an eye out, we haven’t cleaned up much.” She nods and smiles while walking up the metal steps at the side of the stage. She takes careful steps as she steps to center stage. She looks out into the empty arena. The lights are low and the noise from the powertools is echoing through the arena. 

Though there isn’t any music, the stage lights aren’t shining, and she isn’t in one of her rhinestoned costumes, she still feels at home standing center stage. The nerves she’s been holding on to all morning wash away as she takes a deep breath. Her eyes flutter shut for a moment and she remembers the last time she performed on a stage like this one. It was her senior year of high school at nationals in New York City. It was her farewell to her dance career. A smile starts to grow on her face, the nerves from this morning, the the whole trip to get here, completely washed away now. 

“Oi!” a voice booms through the air, making Aurora jump and she searches for where it came from. She turns around, her hair following her as she turns. Her hair continues to follow her movement, falling in front of her face a bit but she can still make out the face the voice comes from. “What’re you doing on my stage?” She’s met with a smiley, broad shouldered Harry Styles. He’s got his hands in the pockets of the tartan trousers he’s wearing. The strong feeling of embarrassment brings heat to her cheeks as she looks down at the black and white vans he’s sporting. 

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry, I-,” she starts rambling apologies. She watches his vans take a few steps closer to her. Aurora’s fumbling with her hands, a nervous tick of hers. “-I was told, told, I could, could, check out the stage,” she’s stuttering over her words and pointing in the direction of Jack. She finally stops talking when she meets Harry’s eyes. He’s still beaming and her stomach drops at the fact that he’s enjoying this situation. His confidence paints an incredible stark difference from her mumbling nervousness. Her brain is a bit fuzzy right now but that doesn’t stop her from noticing the way his eyes sparkle. 

“I’m only joking, love” he says as he pulls his hands out of his pockets with a chuckle. “The stage suits you.” 

“I’m sorry,” Aurora offers again. “I’m-” She’s reaching her hand out when he cuts off her introduction.

“Love, we’ve met. How could I forget you, Aurora.” She’s startled a bit when her name comes out of his mouth. “Ya fixed the hole in my pink jacket, remember?” He’s stepping closer to her and before she’s able to process what’s happening he’s wrapped his arms around her torso, his tattooed arm rubbing her back briefly before pulling away. 

A small laugh leaves her mouth, “I remember, didn’t think you would is all.” Her voice is soft and trails off towards the end of her sentence. 

“Not got much a reputation then if I’ve got people that work with me thinking I’ll forget them.” He lets out a soft chuckle and his smile elicits a dimple on his cheek. 

“No, no, you’ve got a much better reputation than that, promise. You must meet a lot of people day to day is all.” Aurora is calming down, now, realizing that there is no reason for her to be so nervous around him. She’s interacted with him before, this shouldn’t be so jarring to her. Though this time is different. She wouldn’t be working behind Lambert or running errands. She’ll be with Harry just about everyday and she terrified she’ll never be comfortable, always anxiety ridden. Although his life is much different from hers, she’ll be getting a real taste of it and they’re close in age. They’re bound to find something in common. Right?. There’s a bit of silence before Aurora speaks up. “Well, your suits aren’t gonna organize themselves. I better go find Lambert.”

“Yes, of course. Don’t let me stop you from your work.” Aurora nods. She excuses herself as she makes a comment about how she thinks the stage looks great so far. Just after she’s walked past him she feels him grab her hand. “I’m excited to have ya on tour with us, love. Happy to have you making sure I sparkle just right on this stage.” He’s let go of her hand and presents his arms out to the sides as he mentions the stage. 

She’s beaming back at him. “Packed extra rhinestones just for you.” She’s almost skipping down the stairs after that. A weight of relief falling from her shoulders in a light sigh.  First, interaction with Harry? Check. She finds her way back to the room she’d been working in all morning. She settles down on the couch again, pulling the large binder into her lap. She jots down a few notes and adds to the ever growing list of things that need to be done. She stands up and walks over to one of the open wardrobe cases. She’s sliding hangers across the rack before she gets to the next look. Aurora takes the hanger off the rack. The sleek black hanger is labeled Yves Saint Laurent and an emerald green sequined button down shirt hangs off of it. There’s a pair of black straight leg trousers folded over the hanger as well. Aurora carries the ensemble across the room and hangs it on one of the vanity bulbs that sticks out from the light bulb framed mirror. She fixes the collar so it’s sitting straight. She takes a step back with one hand on her hip and another on her chin. 

“What’re you thinking?” Lambert asks when he sees Aurora’s furrowed brow. She hums, still processing her thoughts. 

“You know Michael Jackson’s black sequin jacket? The one he wore when he did the moonwalk for the first time?” He nods, following along. “Think we could play with that idea. What if Harry wore this open, with the Calvin tank?” In the small section of a wardrobe they’ve already gone through is a slew of clothing articles that will be used for multiple shows. The Calvin tank she’s referencing is one that will be, in Aurora’s opinion, an iconic, staple for the entire tour. It’s a simple white ribbed tank but on the left side, “Treat People With Kindness” is embroidered in black. “It’d be closer to Michael’s ‘Billie Jean’ performance in Munich that same year, but it’s the iconic sequin jacket that will sell it.”  

“You really know your stuff huh?” Lambert chuckles, impressed by her knowledge and the way her brain works. Lambert walks away and grabs the tank from the rack and brings it back to Aurora. 

A smile creeps onto Aurora’s face. “My mom loves Michael Jackson. Loves him like everyone loves Harry. I grew up dancing around the house to his music.” She takes the tank from Lambert after he slides it off the hanger. She’s quick to unbutton the YSL shirt in excitement but does it as carefully as possible. She hangs the tank under the shirt, turning it into a overshirt now. The smile on her face is growing. She’s in her element, doing exactly what she’s always wanted to do. Lambert places a hand on her shoulder and gives it a squeeze. A silent approval. Aurora walks back to the table and writes down their decision for this look in the notebook she’s been working with. They go through a few more suits and make a note that they’ll need an extra white button down from Gucci. Lambert is sending Aurora there sometime this week to pick a few more things up that are getting finished and some extra shoes for Harry as well. Lambert says Harry likes to wear his shoes to dust and that Aurora will have to make sure he doesn’t go on stage with holes in his shoes cause he will, especially his rainbow loafers.  They finish going through the rest of the suits before calling it a day. Lambert fills her in on the next few day’s timeline to prepare her for the week. Aurora leaves the arena feeling like her heart could burst. She couldn’t have imagined a better first day at her new job. Aurora heads to bed early, after she orders a Domino’s Pizza, to rest up for the days ahead and beat the jet lag that’s bound to hit her in the next few days. 

When she gets to Wembley the next morning, Aurora grabs a coffee from craft services and says hello to a few people she recognizes from yesterday. She’s thankful that everyone has a lot to get done and people are jutting off to their own areas to get to work. Aurora would be lying to herself if she didn’t acknowledge that she’s a bit overwhelmed by all of the new faces. She knows faces will become familiar as time goes on but right now she’s content with her coffee and knowing that she’s walking to a room to work on her own for awhile. 

When she finds herself in the familiar green room she sets herself up for the day. Aurora pulls her laptop out of her leather bag and presses play on her current spotify playlist. She likes working alone, but not in silence. After collecting her notebook from yesterday and the envelope of images that Lambert left for her she sits down and starts putting together the final look book for tour. She’s organizing the book by tour dates, making a section for each city. 

“Basel, Switzerland” is written on the top of the 1st page in bold all capital letters. Aurora tapes an image of the black glittered Gucci suit that Harry will wear for the opening night of his world tour. She copies any notes she made about this look from yesterday onto the space underneath the photo. After she’s finished the page for Switzerland she goes to the large cases and pulls the black glittered Gucci suit to the empty rolling rack that she set up yesterday. Each of the traveling cases will need to be organized by date to make traveling and set up easier throughout the tour. She continues this process for the next 2 hours. Once her coffee is empty at the end of the 2 hours she has almost 6 cities complete. Aurora takes her empty coffee cup as a sign for her to take a break. Before leaving the room to get more coffee she checks her phone. There’s a few notifications, emails from lists she keeps forgetting to unsubscribe to and a string of texts from her mother. She laughs at the first text - “I know you’re probably fine, but you’re in a different country and I need to hear your voice to make sure you’re still alive and it’s not some kidnapper texting me back” - then another text about 20 mins after that one reads “I love you, I know you’re busy, but please call me” and the last one delivered just a few minutes ago, “I’m your mother, it’s my job to worry.” Aurora shakes her head and feels a bit guilty because she hasn’t texted her mom as much as she probably should have and before knocking out last night she texted her back apologizing for not calling after her first day and that she was just too exhausted. 

Her mom doesn’t answer and is greeted with an automatic voicemail greeting, “Classic,” she chuckles as she hangs up without leaving a message. She shakes her head, standing in the doorway as she sends off a text saying she’s taking a break and to call her back, adding a “I’m good, everything’s amazing! Just calling to chat” as she always does so her mother doesn’t worry any more than she is. As she finishes the texts she mumbled a bit to herself about how her mother is always worrying but never picks up her dang phone. It isn’t until a familiar voice rings through the hallway that she realises she was mumbling quite clearly. 

“Sorry, everything alright, love?” Harry’s distinct voice travels closer to her as she looks up from her phone to him. She’s made her way into the arena hallway completely now. There’s a small furrow in his brow but a slight grin on his face. 

“Ah yeah, didn’t realise I was talking out loud.” She holds her phone up, “You know mothers, always worrying but never actually answering their phone when you call.” Harry laughs, his shoulders shaking. “She sent me this string of texts about being worried and 2 minutes later doesn’t pick up when I call her.” She sighs before sliding her phone into the pocket of the track jacket she’s got on today. 

“My mum does the same. Always saying we don’t talk enough or that she misses me and when I do get the chance she’ll text me back saying she’s out with friends drinking wine or s’thing like that.” Aurora laughs along with him. When she takes a proper look at him she notices he’s wearing black adidas joggers today with a white t shirt and a black nike jacket. 

“Looks like we both had the same idea when we got ready this morning,” she continues to laugh while gesturing between to two of them. They’re dressed almost identical right down to the white sneakers. Aurora’s got on her favourite black lululemon leggings instead of joggers but her tshirt and track jacket look just the same as Harry’s. Harry takes a good look at what he’s got on and back to Aurora and his eyes begin to crinkle and his nose scrunches up before he’s laughing. The laugh is almost a giggle and Aurora has to hold back from flashing him the most endearing smile. 

“Guess it’s a good thing that my Head of Wardrobe and I match. Must mean I’ve got the right person taking care of my clothing then.” He swings his arm around her shoulder before asking if she’s got a minute to grab a snack. 

“Probably should eat and I definitely need some more coffee,” she replies with a smile and shoves her hands into the pockets of her jacket not knowing what to do with them. There’s something about Harry, it’s that thing that people always talk about, his ease around everyone, the way he makes you feel like you’ve known each other forever. His kind demeanor relaxes Aurora and she’s sure this is how he makes everyone feel. Harry starts to go on about different things that are happening around the arena as they walk to the green room, pointing out different people and what they’re working on. Harry doesn’t know this, but the more Aurora knows about her surroundings and the things people are doing, the more comfortable she feels. Aurora likes knowing what’s going on. She knows it’s got something to do with wanting control over as much as she can but she also knows that there is so much going on that she can’t control anything and she especially knows that it isn’t her job. But knowing is good for her. Just as they turn the corner to the green room her phone rings. She pulls it out of her pocket and “Mother” with a pink heart is flashing on her screen. She shows the phone to Harry and she slides out from under his arm. “Rain check on the snacks?” she offers him before answering the call. She smiles as he shoots her a grin and voices an ‘of course’ before he turns around and goes back the way they had came. She questions his actions for a moment before saying hello to her mother. 

Aurora pulls out her notebook while she’s in the car the next morning to review what she needs to get done today. Written in red, at the top of the page under today’s date is: final fitting with Harry @ 12pm. She’s excited to get some of the newer pieces on him and finally have all the looks together. She’s nervous too. Lambert won’t be there again today or barely at all the rest of the week, her part time buffer ripped away sooner than expected. She knows there’s nothing to be nervous about. It’s just Harry. ‘Just Harry,’ she continues to mumble under her breath. 

“Miss Del Gatto, we’ve arrived,” Steven, her driver, who she’s come accustomed to after the past few rides, announces. Aurora looks out the window and sees the Gucci store front. 

“Thanks, Steven. I’ll only be a few minutes.” She smiles at him before stepping out of the car. She got dressed this morning in slightly more put together outfit that she had on yesterday, knowing she had to stop into a few stores on her way in to pick up some pieces that were still missing. Her black chunky heeled leather boots make a clacking sound as she walks towards the entrance. Before she can even reach for the door, she’s welcomed by a man in an all black suit that is welcoming her into the store. 

“Welcome to Gucci.” His voice is deep but bright and welcoming, she thanks him with a smile. 

Once she’s a few more steps into the door she adjusts the small gold airplane necklace that is sitting on the outside of her black turtleneck before speaking up. “I’m here to pick up some shoes for Harry,” she rattles out. A questioned look appears on the man’s face. “Harry Lambert and Styles.” She clarifies. 

“Aurora Del Gatto, yes?” another woman’s voice speaks up from across the store. 

“Uh, y-yes,” she stammers while turning towards the women. 

“I’m Lauren. Nice to meet you, Aurora. Harry told me to be expecting you this morning.” Aurora shakes Lauren’s hand with a smile. Lauren looks like a seasoned pro, her black suit fits her perfectly and her greying hair is pulled up into an elegant low bun. “Go ahead and make yourself comfortable,” she says motioning towards the plush dark purple couches. “Would you like any water or coffee, dear?” 

“Oh, I’m alright actually, thank you.” 

“I’ll be right back with everything.” Aurora nods in acknowledgement while sitting down on the couch. She slides off the lightweight, long, camel coloured coat she’s wearing and drapes it over the couch next to her. She checks her watch to make sure she’s good on time. She’s got to stop at Calvin Klein as well before heading to arena to prep for Harry’s fitting. It’s just gone on 10am, she’s got plenty of time but still anxious at the thought of arriving just before the fitting, not getting a chance to set up. She’s brought back from her thoughts when Lauren returns with 3 shoe boxes in her arms and a garment bag.

“I think there are only 2 pairs of shoes I’m supposed to be picking up,” Aurora questions, “the rainbow loafers and the Spring 18 leather boots.” Lauren’s face lights up in a smile. 

“Yes, those are both here and there’s a pair of sneakers here for you as well.” Aurora’s face reflects exactly what is going through her mind: surprise, shock, and other emotions she couldn’t put words to. Her jaw has dropped and her eyes are wide. “Harry called last night and wanted us to fit you into some Ace Sneakers for the tour.” 

“Lambert said that?” Aurora is confused, giddy and nervous, always nervous. She doesn’t even know how to accept a gift like this. She’d also be lying if she hadn’t been looking at these sneakers forever. 

“No, dear, Harry Styles.” Aurora is beyond caught off guard at this point. 

“I’m sorry, I think there must be a mistake. There’s no reason for Harry to be giving me anything.”

“He specifically called these in for you. I don’t know the details, he just wanted to make sure you walked out with the perfect fit.” She set 2 of the boxes down on a glass table and brought over the 3rd box. “I grabbed the 7.5, I’m normally pretty good at guessing.” 

“Well, you would be right.” Aurora laughs nervously. She slides off her boots in order to avoid the overwhelming thoughts in her head. She’s afraid if she doesn’t keep moving she might go into shock. She’s trying on the sneakers before she speaks up again, “Uhm,” Aurora starts to speak, “Does Harry, uh, do this often? I-I mean, uh call in for gifts?” 

“I wouldn’t say often, but I’ve fulfilled a few of his gifting requests over the past few years. Just a handful though. There really hasn’t been many, if I’m honest.” 

Aurora smiles to herself. She’s still confused about it all but still that same familiar feeling rushes through her when she’s reminded of Harry’s incredible kind demeanor. And before she knew it, she's walking out of Gucci with a smile on her face, a tingle in her fingers, a garment bag and not 2 but 3 boxes of shoes.

She’s setting up one last suit on the tall silver rolling rack before she checks her watch. 11:59. She made great time getting to Wembley after grabbing the pink plaid jacket and custom boots from Calvin Klein. There’s a light knock on the slightly ajar door seconds later. 

“‘Ello, love,” Harry’s voice booms through the small, concrete walled room. Aurora turns towards the door. “All ready!” He exclaims as he makes his way towards her. 

“Hi Harry,” Aurora responds before Harry has a hand at her waist and is placing a light kiss on the top of her cheek. 

“How’s your morning been?” He’s now made his way to the rolling rack she had just filled. 

“Good,” she wants to ask him about the shoes but she doesn’t know how to bring it up. “I did uh- I, I-”

“Can I try this one on?” Harry interrupts, suddenly distracted by the garments he hasn’t seen yet. She’s grabbing her book from the table across the room when she hears the sound of hangers hitting the floor. “Oooff,” there’s a chuckle that follows. “That one’s a bit slippery.” 

“Oh gosh, yeah I need to add some hanger loops to that one,” Aurora sets her book down and rushes over to pick up the fallen garments and hangers. Harry utters a few sorry’s before stepping away. She swears she hears him mumble about being in the way. Once she’s got the fallen garments gathered on the crook of her arm, she grabs a hanger adorn in the pink plaid Calvin suit. “That’s what you get for being so nosy,” she quips at him and hands him the suit. His jaw drops slightly but before he can say a thing Aurora’s speaking again, “Try this one on first, please.” Aurora lingers on the please and shoots him a sweet smile. “There’s a small room through there you can change in.” She turns around after motioning towards the door and sees that Harry already has his trousers down to his ankles. “Orrrr you can change right there.” 

“Oh, don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, darling,” he responds as you quickly turn away, sliding the plaid trousers all the way up and buttoning them just as fast.

“Oh no, you’re fine, don’t wanna be rude is all.” Aurora is flipping through her book finding the section for Stockholm. “The black ribbed tank was on the hanger with the jacket, yeah?” She asks as she skims over the page in front of her. He hums back letting her know it’s there. Aurora lifts up her coffee cup from earlier this morning to her lips, turning around to find Harry fully dressed in the Calvin Klein suit she picked up this morning. She frowns realising there’s no coffee left in her cup. 

“What?” Harry asks, his brows knitted together in concern after seeing the frown on her face. “Does it look that bad?” He’s messing with the way he’s tucked the shirt into the waistband of the trousers. 

Aurora giggles at his frantic hands. “Harry, nothing could look bad on you.” She shakes the empty cup in front of him. “I’m out of coffee.” 

“Well, that frown was badly timed. I’ve got a brand new suit on and that’s the first reaction I get?’ 

“Oh you’ll be fine, rockstar. Plenty of ego pumping in the near future,” Aurora quips backs at him as she makes a circle around him. “They did great with this one,” she’s pulling at the shoulders of the jacket so it sits just right on his broad frame. “How do the trousers feel?” She asks as she smooths down the fabric of the sleeves before rounding back to face Harry straight on. 

“The trousers? Yeah they feel good. Fit perfect, I think.” He’s pulled up the bottom of the jacket and is twisting his hips round. “Wha’ d’ya think?” 

“I think Calvin Klein knows exactly what he’s doing,” she says with a smirk. “Okay, that one’s all set, go ahead and put this one on now.” She hands him another pink jacket, this one velvet with embellishments and it has a Gucci tag on it rather than Calvin Klein. She hands him black trousers with a gold trim as well. “You’ll wear this with a button down but just try with the tank. I just need to make sure all the alterations were done properly.” 

“Did you stop at Gucci this morning? Lambert mentioned you were going,” he asks while handing her the plaid suit he just took off. Aurora busies herself with hanging them up. 

“Yeah. Got your loafers and boots. I also-”

“Oh nooooo, Aurora,” Harry’s voice is panicky. 

“Wha-,” is all she gets out before she sees and hears the beads rolling on the floor. “Ahhh I had a feeling that was going to happen. And THIS is why we try things on 100 times. Wouldn’t want you unraveling on stage.” She runs over to her kit that stands in the corner.

“I’m sorry, not sure what I did,” Harry’s face shows worry like he’s done something wrong. 

“Hun, you didn’t do anything, promise. I think it might have been from the alterations.” Aurora is tying a knot in a piece of thread before walking over to him. “I’m just gonna close this strand up while it’s on you and I’ll re embellish it later.” The piece that’s come undone is on the right shoulder. She slides her hand under the jacket to find the back of the spot she needs to fix. Her hand brushes the skin of his shoulder, reminding her he’s only wear the tank underneath and he flinches. “Sorry, my hands are probably cold. This will only take a second.” 

“S’alright, love.” There’s silence while she focuses on the work in front of her. Once she’s finished she carefully slips a small pair of gold scissors underneath the jacket and cuts the thread and needle she had been working with loose, detaching herself from Harry’s shoulder. “That was quick,” Harry says with a tone of surprise and Aurora thinks she can hear a little bit of disappointment as well. Aurora shrugs her shoulders in response. 

“Could you put on the black version of that jacket for me?” Aurora asks as she grabs a spool of black thread. “Think we might have the same problem with that one too.” She slides the needle she’s threaded with black thread onto the cuff of her sweater so she doesn’t lose it. She helps Harry into the black jacket and hangs up the one he just had on. 

“Aannddd there it is,” Harry says with chuckle as a strand of beads comes loose on his right sleeve. Aurora gets to work on the one on his sleeve as 2 more make themselves known on his back. “So you got my boots and loafers this morning? Up to anything else before I came in and ruined all the garments?” Aurora laughs and moves to his back to take care of the broken pieces there. 

“Uhm picked up that Calvin jacket and your custom boots. Let me tell you, those boots are glorious. The glossed leather with the steel tip will look incredible with your suits. ”

“Oh can I see them when we’re done?”

“‘Course you can!” There’s some silence between them again as she concentrates on the job in front of her. She catches a glimpse of the white gucci bags that are sitting by one of the wardrobe cases and it’s like those new sneakers are burning a hole in her head. It clicks in her head now that he’s been directing the conversation this way trying to get it out of her. “Hey Harry,” she’s met with a hum, “can I ask you about something?” She continues to work on the jacket, keeping her hands busy. She’s thankful that the strand she’s working on is on his back so she doesn’t have to make eye contact with him. 

“‘Course, Aurora.” 

“Uhm, at Gucci this morning, they uh, they fitted me for sneakers,” Harry hums in response, “and um, I-I, um, that was very kind of you.” She’s stuttering through her words. It wasn’t until now that she got a tinge of nervousness. “Y-you didn’t need to do that. Really.” 

“Aurora, I wanted to. And I thought you deserved some new shoes.” She can’t see his face but she can hear the smile that’s formed on his face. “We’ve got a few countries to trek around the next few months.” 

Moments later she’s finished repairing what she can and she’s sliding Harry’s jacket off his shoulders. “Thank you, Harry,” she says finally after the black jacket is hung back on its Gucci hanger on the rolling rack near them. “Seriously, too kind.” 

“No such thing as too kind, Ror,” he quips back and before she can comment on the nickname, he’s talking again. “Now what else do you need me to try on?” 

The afternoon goes by quickly and Harry is patient with her. He stands up straight in each new piece and asks questions about different things she’s making notes of or checking off of her thousands of lists. She checks her watch quickly as she’s making one last note. 

“How is it 3 o’clock already?” Aurora stammers out. “Sorry to take your entire afternoon from you.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Ror.” Harry’s pulling down the hem of his white tshirt he walked in wearing earlier today, “Nice to spend some time with ya and seems like you’ve been able to check a lot off your list.” 

“You probably have a list a mile long of things that need to be done this week too, though,” she rebuttals. “Or do you have someone to take care of those things for you?” she jokes. 

“Oh yeah, don’t remember their name, but I just tell them everything I need done and they do it for me.” The look on Aurora’s face is utter disgust, unable to politely react because she wasn’t expecting that answer.  There was no hint of sarcasm in Harry’s voice. Harry’s face is still and he’s silent for a moment before his nose scrunches up and a giggle erupted from his mouth. “Ror, I’m totally kidding.” He’s placed a hand on her shoulder now, rubbing his thumb soothingly. 

“Harry,” she’s giggling along now too, “you had me for a second.” 

Harry thanks her for her work and the time spent together today and leaves only after giving her a hug and a short kiss on her cheek. 

The next few days are spent hand stitching gold and silver beads onto those 2 Gucci jackets, labeling every single piece of the wardrobe and then organizing the giant crates for the travel managers to take and get ready to fly. She walks through all of the wardrobes multiple time and completes fittings with all of Harry’s band members as well. Brief 1 hour time frames are scheduled with each of them, Clare, Sarah, Adam and Mitch. Lambert pops in to make sure the final fittings went well and pays complements to Aurora’s new sneakers she’s sporting with a knowing look on his face. 

There’s one day left till the first tour stop and the arena is just about empty. The stage is packed up, the wardrobe crates have been taken from Aurora and the number of people in the arena is starting to dwindle down. Since everything is already loaded on a truck making its way to the airport Aurora didn’t have much to do today but she kept herself busy at the apartment she’s been at all week for the majority of the morning. She’s repacked multiple times getting everything to fit perfectly, almost committing the perfect folding techniques and order of adding things to her suitcase to memory. Everyone is to arrive at the airport early the next morning but Harry has arranged for a group lunch at the arena for one last collective meeting before the tour starts.

Aurora arrives a few minutes early to the lunch and says hello to a few crew members she’s gotten to know. Lambert is there too - seems that Harry has invited anyone who has helped with the prep of the tour regardless if they’re coming along or not. She also meets a few more new faces like Ayae, Harry’s hair and makeup stylist. She’s new to the tour group and hasn’t been needed for prep so this his her 1st time meeting a lot of the crew too. She sits down with Aurora and Lambert at a table and is engaging in a conversation about this and that when Harry comes up to the table with Jeff. Jeff is a familiar face to Aurora even though she has only interacted with him a few times.  Jeff always seems to be everywhere - Aurora always makes mental acknowledgment about how he is consistently working on something but always is seemingly available to everyone. 

Alicia, a woman probably in her late 30’s, is following Harry and Jeff with a grey rolling cart like you would see in an old cafeteria and it’s filled with large cardboard boxes. Aurora has met Alicia and remembers Lambert introducing her as the Tour Merchandise Manager. 

“Aurora, Ayae, Harry, great to see all of you! Doing alright, I assume?” Jeff asks while rounding the cart and reaching a hand in the box. 

“Got some tour sweatshirts for everyone, treat people with kindness and all that,” Harry adds in, running a hand through his hair. It isn’t until now that Aurora notices the length of his hair. It’s not as short as it was when she first met him but it’s nowhere near the length she remembers him having while still in One Direction. There is one curl that won’t stay back no matter how many times he runs his hand through it to push it back. The lone curl falls against his forehead one last time before he gives up. 

“Oh, very humble of you, Harry,” Ayae says with a chuckle while examining the sweatshirt Alicia had just given her.

It’s a plain black Champion hoodie with 2 small pieces of embroidery, 1 on the left of the chest and the other on the inside of the right arm. Ayae is referring to the large embroidered “Harry” on the chest. Underneath his name is ‘World Tour 2018’. Hah. He’s gotta love this shit. His name written on everything. Clothing, signs, his name is branded everywhere. 

“Heyyyyy,” Harry’s voice is slightly whiny, both of his eyes scrunch up and his brows furrow. The ‘hey’ turns into a giggle and they all laugh along with him. Harry then hands Aurora her sweatshirt. “Here ya go, Ror.” She thanks him softly after taking it from him. 

Post lunch, Harry, Jeff and a few others talk about how excited they are and how successful the prep went all week. The Head Travel Manager, Daniel, reminds everyone to double check their itinerary when they get home tonight and to double, triple, quadruple check they’ve packed everything. Harry yells something about making sure everyone’s got their passport cause “long story short” he forgot his once and it was not a day full of kindness. The large group chuckles at his little antidote before the room begins to clear out and everyone heads home to get ready to travel the next day. 

Thanks for reading !!! Feedback & comments are always welcome !!! 

[theobxhummingbird]

Unreachable (Chapter 1)

(GIF credits to owner) (A JJ Maybank and Nova Fleming love story)

Life is a precious present. And the ones who live, in the supposedly called, paradise on Earth; a place named Outer Banks in North Carolina, tend to understand it as either being lucky of inheriting the privilege of living a wealthy Kook life, which contained of many families who dealt with business and yacht owning, or putting up with the circumstances of belonging to the working-class of Kildare Island, the Pogues.

And while ones who lived on the Cut (the Pogues), the others in Figure Eight (the Kooks), were aware of their envy, Nova Fleming was absolutely clueless. With her happily built life, surrounded by books, flowers, animals, studies and cooking, she’d always state that: In life, every person is a present, and they’ll get to see it, when happiness and money separate two ways in their heads. But no Pogue would ever accept her thesis, convincing her of the real life of a Pogue; they have nothing to lose.

Again, she lived in her view of the world, where every person was only parted in two groups; bad and good. Her grandma would always say, that a person like her, could never find happiness in the Outer Banks, if she doesn’t choose the realistic grouping of people there. Luckily, she found her own, paradise on Earth, by just spending time at her grandma’s little flower garden, named after a flowering plant in their home garden, called “Wisteria”.

While her life was “Wisteria”, her dreams and future were misteria Doubting the continuation of her marine biology studies, she got her head out of it by making a small stain for herself, that’ll be left in people’s lives, even for a split second.

-The spray bottles have arrived! -Maida, her grandma, yelled from the front door of “Wisteria”. It was now blocked with boxes, as the people delivered them to the door; stacking the one on top of the other. Nova jogged her way and stood still as they placed the last one. Her grandma took out her vintage wallet, to pay them;  Nova stopping her and giving them her own money.

-I see, we’ve earned some money from the Wreck. -said Maida, opening a box to check in case they’ve delivered something else.

-Oh no! -said Nova, putting her hands on her mouth, -I’m going to be late!

-Careful Nova, -yelled Maida after the running girl, -you’ll fall.

Taking whatever she had brought to “Wisteria” and rushing out the door, she ran through the streets of the Cut, hoping to get to work on time. Unlike the other days, who were boiling hot, this one had taken a turn, and it was raining, almost even pouring. Nova ran as fast as possible, her feet getting muddy and wet from the splashing in the puddles.

-Nova! -yelled Mr. Carrera, -You’re late!

-I deeply apologize Mr. Carerra, with the wish of never happening again! -she said, starting with lifting the boxes that had to be taken inside of the restaurant. Nova worked whatever they told her; from being a waitress, to errand girl.

-It’s raining Pogue, faster, faster! -yelled Mr. Carrera. The boxes were insanley heavy for a teenage girl to carry into the Wreck, and as if deliberately, the guys who took down the boxes, put them afar from the Wreck, just for Nova to carry them a long way inside. No one came to her help, and it started to rain heavier.

Everything interfered together; pain, no more strength and desperate need of a small break. There was no time for thinking of giving up, nor any kind of wish of giving up. Her hands swiftly moved the easier, to heavier boxes, so her work could get a bit less tiring at the end.

And, since life is not only a precious present, but one big surprise and disappoint, for Nova everything had a positive side...most of the times. The boiling kettle in her head, let out it’s piercing sound, as her whole body was now covered in mud, and not from the rain or constant running through the medium sized muddy puddles, but from the splash of the big puddle along the sidewalk, where a Volkswagen camping van parked. With her mouth partly opened in shock, and a single box in her hand, she stood in front of it. The door swung open fast, to reveal a blonde boy. His grey, dirty sleeveless shirt got littered with raindrops easily, as soon as he stepped out.

A heatwave of anger roamed around her head; on top of all getting a text message from her grandma, that she’ll have to go and clean a house after her work finishes at the Wreck. The blonde stepped on the sidewalk, and stopped in his tracks to look at the fierce glare on Nova’s face.

-Are you going to say something? -he said, blinking at the constant raindrops that flickered in front of his eyes.

-Is it that hard for you people who own a car, to drive carefully while it’s raining? -she started to walk forward, leaving the box on a ledge.

-I did nothing wrong; just parked the van. Also ma’am, I’m getting soaked, so if you have any objections hurry up. -he spoke harshly; blonde strands of hair framing his tanned face and sticking out the beauty of his blue eyes. With the look of confusion in his eyes, Nova was supposed to soften, but she stepped back, opening her arms.

-The state I’m in, is because of your careless driving. Sometimes, on rainy days, people are careful of their driving and when parking, they make sure they see ahead of their road, in case they shower somebody.

-Oh I know what you are; you’re one of the girls who’re attention seekers. And let me tell you, -he got closer to her, -they come to me a lot and never succeed.

-What are you, presumptuous thing, to assume that I’ll ever put myself into a state of having any kind of interaction with a guy who’s only analyzing a girl, by her ability to intimidate him? You showered me and didn’t even say a sorry; I’ve wasted my time here by arguing with you, instead of taking these boxes in on a rainy day. I just needed to tell you my objection as a citizen in the OBX who has to deal with constant, nut cased driving on a rainy day.

-Let me answer you; I’m the guy who’s not in your life and doesn’t know the struggles you put up with. So if you’re going to blame a stranger for your inability to work, I advice you on analyzing your actions first. -he spat the words at her face and quickly made his way inside the Wreck. Her whole body shook, not only from the coldness, but also from the stress that had built up during his rough sentences. With only, ever so slightly, letting anger take over her, just like this moment, she took out the firefly hair pin from her hair, inflating one of his tires.

Finishing up with the boxes, she walked in the restaurant, brushing against the blonde, who was exiting it.

-Did you bring in all of them? -said Mr. Carrera.

-Yes, I did, they’re all at the door. -Nova said; Mr. Carrera taking out his wallet and giving her the money she earned for the day.

-I took away some of it; being late should never become a habit.

Nova looked at the money; some of it, meaning half of the money. She didn’t go against her rights as a worker, just placed them in her pocket.

-Goodbye, Mr. Carrera. -she said, taking her belongings and exiting the restaurant. After all, she was convinced the day had gone nowhere near good.

-Huh, -he said, standing from his leaned position, -I was waiting for you.

-What is it? -she said, knowing exactly what he means.

-Was it necessary? I mean, I don’t know what nut case you are, but I’ll get to the point of taking you to the police.

-Okay, come on, -said Nova approaching him, -take me to the police and let them decide what nut case I am. After all, it’s their job to close cases.

-I will, because this was unnecessary. -he said, taking the keys and locking the car. -You’ll get to put up with the police and I’ll leave with the thrill of winning after all.

-Are you even kidding with me? A person like you would never even step at a police station; since that is the last place they’ll ever want to be present at. -she said, scanning his bruised face and the cut on his bottom lip.

-You...are crazy, really. Whatever brain there’s inside, should be analyzed, detail by detail. -he said, -With the wish of never seeing each other again, ever.

-Same wish here. -she yelled after him. The Volkswagen drove away, together with the unknown blonde.

Nova still couldn’t proceed, what made her intensively lash out at the clueless guy, but sometimes, particular people didn’t know about careful driving and never went with the rules of safe and slow. But her issue was definitely the fear of causing any road accident, making it even worse if mud and rain are involved.

On her way home, all she was thinking about, was the slight slipping of the Volkswagen wheels as it hit the puddle. What if it caused the driver’s and her life, since she was stood way to close to it?

-It’s another job at Figure Eight. -she said, replying to her grandma’s information on the house she’s cleaning.

-Please keep distance with the Cameron kids; they’re way too Kooky to handle. -said Maida, her old hands stirring the soup.

-I will, you know I will. Job’s a job. -she said, packing the bag with the supplies she needs.

-Did something happen today at work? -said her grandma, lifting her piece to piece fallen place.

-I will tell you later, but you know no word could crash this heart. -said Nova, pointing to the left side of her chest.

-I know by fact, a word could crash that heart. -she said. Nova’s fake smile fell out of her lips; her muscles relaxing from the pushed through smile. -And I know it can destroy you in a split second, but you’re so smart and strong, that you’ll put up with it in the moment.

-I’ll be late again gran, see you when I get home. -she gave her cheek a kiss and rushed out the door, making her way to Figure Eight, where a lot of cleaning was waiting for her.

[i-contain-ineffability]

Good Omens AU idea

I wanted to repost this because some people pointed out that parts of the original post for this was problematic, but I’m linking to the original post so other people can also learn why it was problematic as well as see the contributions from other people in the Good Omens fandom because they were good contributions and I recommend you read them! 

Concept: Good Omens but the Them is college aged bc everyone I know in college is jaded, angry, aged, and done with everything.

Pepper got a full ride and is studying political science, she wants to be Prime Minister some day

Brian is an Environmental Scientist or Engineer and wants to go into environmental clean up

Wensleydale is studying to be a Dietitian

Maybe Adam is studying archeology specializing in theology (idk how archeology majors work) or sociology specializing in religion (idk how sociology works as a major so if any archeologists or sociologists to be want to speak up about how this would actually work pls do, I’m curious now)

Maybe in this AU Adam’s powers don’t manifest until he’s 21 after he gets Dog at age 11, or he was a late bloomer for his powers and Crowley and Aziraphale have to sell that lie to Heaven and Hell while they look for someone who is 11, 12, 13 etc all the way up to 21 with a Hell Hound, and Crowley has to come up with a sellable lie for the mess in the Middle East with Warlock, or he just goes on the run from Hell. Maybe Aziraphale tells Heaven the influences from the Light are working. 

He and the Them live together in a pet-friendly apartment so he can keep Dog with him, but he can’t take Dog everywhere he would like to since his powers aren’t manifested yet. 

Agnes Nutter predicted this so Anathema isn’t running around for a decade trying to find the Antichrist

Weird crap still happens to Adam, but in the context of college

Like maybe he can eat dubious or suspect food and be fine (you know, the food that gets forgotten in the back of your fridge? the one you just toss out in the container because you don’t want to think about it? he can eat it and be fine)

Adam’s always on time when he’s stressed about arriving on time, even when he shouldn’t be on time, he puts it down to managing to run/drive/bike to catch the train/get to class/get to work/get to the interview on time

If he’s a late bloomer when he starts hearing voices and having weird crap happen to him he puts it down to finals week stress (I got lucky that time I ate 2 week old meatloaf, I’ve been hearing voices but I haven’t slept in 3 days so that’s fairly normal, Dog’s eyes are glowing red but I’ve had 6 Red Bulls today to I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking bc I can hear colors right now)

Crowley: Haven’t you been hearing voices? Getting urges to cause mass destruction?

Adam: Well yeah, but I haven’t slept in 3 days and I’m fueled off of stress and coffee made with Red Bull instead of water so I’ve been hallucinating dog’s eyes glowing blue and losing a bunch of time, like yesterday I came home to all my homework done and I don’t remember doing any of it.

Crowley: THOSE AREN’T HALLUCINATIONS DOG’S A HELLHOUND AND THAT WAS YOUR POWERS MANIFESTING

Alternatively: he figured out he has powers and the only people he told were the Them. Crowley and Aziraphale are either on the run from Heaven and Hell while trying to find the Antichrist, or have to come up with increasingly ridiculous excuses/lies to buy themselves more time to find him. Until Adam walks into Aziraphale’s bookshop asking if he has xyz books for his thesis project or something.

In this one Adam purposefully uses his powers for small-scale stuff, like making the food forgotten at the back of his and the Them’s fridge safe to eat again, maybe slowing down time to get more study time for stuff (since in the book and show, at least the way I interpreted it, it’s kind of Adam’s friends that pull him back from being the Antichrist and to being human again), free tickets and things for movies and musicals etc. Also he uses them to be able to bring Dog with him everywhere and not have anyone notice Dog or be bothered by him (credit to @bookgeekgrrl for this one) and he’s been doing this since he was 11 when he decided to stop being the antichrist. 

Crowley: what do you MEAN you decided to stop being the Antichrist?

Adam: well, I almost did, until I told my friends I could make them do whatever I wanted, and we were all so horrified by that statement that I stopped. also it’s difficult enough looking after myself and dog and my friends and coming up with things to do that ruling the world sounds like a nightmare

Anathema enrolls in the same college to try and track him down in both versions of this AU, and also moves in basically next door to them. 

in both AUs Adam still makes large scale stuff happen, deliberately or unintentionally, and some people came up with great ideas for this in the notes of the original post (linked at the top) so do go check it out! I don’t want to retype it here bc I don’t want to act like I came up with those particular ideas. 

If anyone writes this pleeeassee tell me

[svtsweet]

Don’t Change

A/N: Ahhhhhhh so sorry!! I wanted to take a nap yesterday before posting it but it turned into a full on slumber (. - .) I’ll still try to post tomorrow but it’ll most likely still be late...

Joshua X Reader

Summary: There’s something about the way Joshua acts around you that peaks your curiosity. When the opportunity presents himself, will the truth be worth knowing?

Warnings: Kidnapping, Stalking

Word Count: 5412

There is nothing stronger than your hatred for literature. All your life it’s been a pain, ever since the first word you couldn’t read out loud. College was supposed to be a break from it, everyone told you that you get to pick your own classes but no, it has to be a core class you have to take. You avoided it your first two years but you don’t want to spend your last year having to worry if you’ll pass the class or not. That stress is specifically reserved for graduation.

You heave a sigh as your professor goes on about rhetoric and the principles of what would make an A worthy essay. Rolling your eyes, you land on anything other than the projecting screen. The backs of the heads of those sitting in front of you is the first thing you see. It’s mostly freshman but from the first week of introduction, sophomores also introduced themselves, yet you were still the only junior in the class. Looking around, a corner of the class where a spare desk is propped catches your eye. Joshua, the class TA sits happily, his full attention on the stack of papers he’s reading. You wince, knowing that he’s not holding just any papers but the in class essay your professor threw at you from last class. Essays are hell, in class essays however are the Devil himself.

Not realizing that you’ve been staring at him for too long, he glances up at you but the second his eyes meet yours, his head drops. To anyone else, it might seem like a common awkward exchange but ever since you first walked in through those doors, you knew Joshua has something against you. Your first day, you noticed that he stared at the floor whenever you talked. All your attempts to lock eyes with him ended in him hanging his head, his bangs covering them like a curtain and the straight line of his lips causing you to frown.

“This is the first major essay of the semester so I hope you’ll put your best effort and come and ask for help if you need it.”

Your professor’s notice breaks you of your trance and you catch the last slide. An essay? You sigh, knowing that you couldn’t have hid from it for long. Now the time has finally come for you to come clean to your professor and beg for extra credit.

Meeting your professor at the front of the classroom, you take a deep breath and run through the speech prepared in your head. “Hi Professor. I wanted to let you know in advance that I’m not a very good writer but I really want to pass your class so is it possible to work on some extra credit to add to my grade?”

She blinks at you but smiles. “That’s alright! You’d be surprised how many people struggle with writing but I’d rather you have some extra help for your essay instead of giving up on it by doing extra credit before you hand it in. I’ll tell you what.” She waves her hand to Joshua who walks over. Your brows knit together and you can feel your intestines twist with displeasure. “Joshua is just an amazing tutor as he is an assistant. He could help you write your essay if the both of you are okay with it?”

You don’t have to move your eyes to him to know he isn’t looking at you. Does she not know that the person she’s saying could help you is the last person that would even look to you? How in the world is he supposed to talk to you if he can’t do that? But you have to admit, getting tutored by Joshua could help you in figuring out why he’s so set on ignoring you. “I’m okay with it.”

To your surprise, he speaks. “I don’t mind either. We could start tomorrow at this same time.”

“Great!” you professor chimes. “Then I’ll see the both of you on Wednesday.”

With everything settled, you walk back to your seat to pack your things. While stuffing the handouts from earlier into your backpack, you hear Joshua ask if he can finish his work in the class, and she agrees. “I see nothing wrong with it,” being her response. You slow down your actions, carefully watching your professor from the corner of your eye. Once she leaves, it’ll be just you and Joshua, and your palms sweat thinking of it. You need to get on his good side if he’ll be helping you write your essay, also if he’ll spill the beans on why he thinks looking into your eyes will turn him into stone.

Joshua pulls out a pen from his pencil pouch, no sign of acknowledging you whatsoever. You sigh through your nose and walk up to him, clearing your throat when he doesn’t look up.

“Need any help?”

His pen stops moving, his mouth opening slightly but otherwise he remains unmoving.

“I’m not good with words but I can help organize some things.”

The silence is thick enough to cut with a knife but you stick with your plan. He’s going to need to talk, even if it’s to shoo you away. His hand travels to a separate pile, one that you recognize as the homework that was due today.

“You can split these according to the prompt answered.” His voice is delicate, as if he could shatter if he were a decimal louder. He pushes the stack towards you and it’s with a small grin that you grab the nearest chair and sit across from him. That’s one small step for you and a bigger step for your essay quality!

You grab the first paper, putting it to the side as you begin a pile. The scribbling of Joshua’s pen and ruffling of your papers is the only noise inside the room. A feather dropping would be the equivalent of an explosion with how quiet it is, and it disturbs you more than Joshua’s attitude towards you.

“So,” you start, almost startling yourself with the relatively loud volume of your voice, “what year are you in?”

“I’m in my fourth,” he answers quickly.

You nod. At least it’s something. “That’s cool. Are you going to graduate next semester?”

“Yeah.”

Another short answer. “What’s your major again?”

“English.”

“Oh, well that makes sense why you’re a TA for this class.”

He nods, the slightest curve of his mouth causing you to halt. “I guess so.”

You go on like this, you asking him simple questions while he gives you short responses. It’s not much, but from the small conversations, you realize that Joshua is somewhat of a nice guy for someone that only stared at in-class essays for a duration of almost twenty minutes. Yet, you can tell that he’s hiding something as well. Why else would he act strange around you? Dragging on the stacking for as long as you could, you place the last paper into the third pile.

Rising from your seat, you grab your bag and declare, “Okay my work is done.” Joshua inches his head up, the smallest glint in his eyes. You lose your breath for a second, mesmerized by how deep they are. “Um, I’m not really good with this stuff, but I’ll try really hard tomorrow.” Those beautiful eyes are sinking you deep into him, so deep that you start to feel yourself drown in the chocolate pools.

He offers a smile that causes your knees to buckle. Is it hot in here? “I appreciate that, and thank you for helping me.”

Your bag becomes heavier as he finishes, and you have to force yourself to stand up straight to keep him from knowing. Okay it really is hot in here now. “Uh yeah,” you mutter, slowly stepping back to the door. “So I’ll, um, tomorrow!”

Stumbling out the door, you latch a hand to your frantically beating heart. He actually looked at you, and- was that a smile? The heat on your cheeks gives no sign of going away soon and it has you frantically thinking of how to make them go away before-

“Hey Y/N!”

Oh great. Dowoon grins brightly at you and hangs an arm around your shoulder when you get closer to him. Tzuyu trudges along, punching your shoulder playfully as she catches up.

“What took you so long? Dowoon and I were beginning to think you died from boredom on top of your desk.”

Rolling your eyes, you let the younger duo lead you out of the building. Now you have to tell these two that you won’t be able to hang out tomorrow on account of your tutoring session. On the bright side, you seemed to have gotten on Joshua’s good side. If you’re lucky, the time will breeze by and you’ll make yourself a new friend in the process. Maybe even get over how awestruck you were because of a simple smile. It shouldn’t be too hard to get a small draft done right?

….

It’s hard, so very hard.

Joshua is great, but this essay is on a whole other level. What was your teacher thinking having you use three class articles and two outside references for your first major essay? You’ve barely gotten down a basic thesis and all it took was….forty seven minutes. You groan and flop your head down to the table in the second floor of the library. This is going to be impossible. The only thing that might get you through this session are Joshua’s constant praises. Seriously, the man has a way of boosting your self esteem. Only it wouldn’t be as concerning if he managed to maintain eye contact with you for more than ten seconds.

“Almost there Y/N. How about you give me one more quote from last week’s article we could use and we call it a day?”

Lifting your head from the hard surface, you give him a small nod and go back to the article in front of you. You scan the pages, pencil tapping the edges and hand clawing at your scalp. “What about this one?” you ask pointing to a small section on the second page.

“That’s a great one to use!” His eyes flick to yours suddenly but just like how this session started, they land somewhere else. You wouldn’t think much of it if it weren’t for the forced smile on his lips. It’s nothing like the smile he gave you yesterday and makes you wonder why he’s so intent on hiding behind the wall he built between the two of you.

The pencil in your hand twirls in your hand as you debate your options. Joshua is right there sitting next to you, so you could easily answer the question of his strange behavior around you. On the other hand, it would seem rash to ask him something like that when he’s not even an acquaintance. Biting your bottom lip, you shove the queasy feeling in your stomach and turn in your chair.

“Joshua.” His eyes flutter up to you but fall back down in a second. You can’t back down now. “I’m sorry if this is weird to ask but, why do you act so weird around me?” There, you said it.

Joshua liks his lips tensely, his back hunching and shoulders closing him in like a cage. It has you keening to hug him tight and let him pour his troubles onto you, but you hold yourself back. “I didn’t think you would notice Y/N.” You almost regret asking him, the pain on his features evident and wailing at you like sirens. “I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Shaking your head, you give out your response quickly before he starts thinking badly. “No it’s not that! I’m only asking because I want to fix whatever it is that I did wrong.”

Suddenly, his gaze is on you, serious yet afraid. “You did nothing wrong Y/N.”

“Then what is it?”

He brushes a nervous hand through his hair and sucks in a troubled breath. “You remind me of someone I used to know. We used to be good friends but something changed and then we had to part ways. Seeing you just brings those memories back.”

A silent oh escapes your lips as your chest aches with guilt. So that’s what it was. You lean in closer to him, the smell of his detergent invading your senses. “I’m sorry that I bring up those memories Joshua, but you don’t have to worry about things changing with me.”

Joshua tilts his head enough to peek at you from beneath his bangs, a delicate smile forming on his lips. “That means a lot to me. Thank you.”

“Any time Joshua.”

“Then, is it okay with you if we become friends?”

Nodding gently, you give him a promising grin. “That would be amazing.”

….

“Alright class, for this exercise, you’ll be pairing up every fifteen minutes to go over the themes of this article,” your professor instructs.

Immediately, you turn to look at the girl sitting next to you. She does the same, that universal glance pushing away all the jitters that come with finding a partner in a roomful of people you can barely remember the names of. You scoot closer to her, introducing yourself in the small chance she forgot your name (and she could give you her’s).

“So what did you think of the article?”

You shrug. “It’s interesting but it was difficult to follow along with-”

“Everything okay over here?”

You both look up to see Joshua leaning towards you, a hand planted firmly on your table. “Uh, yeah everything’s good.”

“Do you need any help?”

Lisa, your partner, shakes her head. “No I think we’re-”

“Are you sure you don’t need help, Y/N?”

Joshua is stern, eyes completely locking you down as he ignores Lisa. You can feel your head hurting with his duality but end up nodding, shock filling your system. “Yes.”

Then, the clouds in his eyes clear, a bright glow returning to his face. “Then let me know when you need me.”

He walks off, going around the classroom but something about it has you on the edge of your seat. It could be that it reminds you of how a predator stalks its prey before pouncing on them that gives you chills. Or the fact that the only time you don’t see him staring right at you is when he blinks. You try to shrug it off, mostly because you don’t want to things between you and Lisa to get stale. You get through talking about the themes of the article just in time for you to find new partners, only this time, your second partner is hesitant to agree. You can’t help but think that it’s because he probably saw how Joshua reacted with Lisa. Even then, you manage to get through the whole fifteen minutes without being disturbed. It in your third and last conversation that Joshua returns. You and your partner are having clashing ideas about the theme, it’s a friendly argument but with the way Joshua barges in, it’s as if the both of you were seconds away from tearing each other’s hairs off. “Hey guys, don’t fight about this, it’s really simple. The author makes it clear in their third paragraph what the theme of the article is.”

“Uh thanks.” Your partner shifts in his seat uncomfortably though it should be the other way around with how close Joshua is standing next to you.

“And if I heard you two correctly, I think Y/N is on the right track. Carry on.”

He gives you a small pat but you lurch forward, his touch burning on your back. It’s difficult to continue your conversation with your partner after that and the professor announcing the exercise being over is a blessing in disguise. For the first time this semester, you keep your gaze away from Joshua, being focused on making it out of class in one piece before he turns the rest of the students against you. Once you’re allowed to leave, you head straight to the door. Maybe Tzuyu and Dowoon would know what to do in this situation.

Like always, they wait for you in the hallway only this time their smiles are replaced with frowns.

“Hey Y/N, what’s wrong?” Tzuyu asks.

You piece your words carefully. It’s not like you want them to think badly of Joshua since he could have been acting on good intentions. “Um, there’s this guy in my class.”

Dowoon smirks at you, a devious shine in his eyes. “A guy you say?”

You shake your head at him, trying to get back on track. “Yes but that’s not the point.

He’s been acting really strange around me lately and-”

“Oh, does he have a crush on you?” Tzuyu suddenly interrupts, hands on your shoulders

swaying you back and forth. “He could have a crush on you,” she sings.

Dowoon takes your hands and swings them back and forth along with Tzuyu. “Y/N has a secret admirer!”

You’re about to tell them to knock it off when a voice rips through the hallway, stunning the three of you.

“Hey! Stop touching Y/N like that!”

Joshua stomps to you, a hand grabbing your arm and yanking you to him. You can feel the heat of his body but in a way that has you recoil, wanting to tug your hand free and find a way to cool down. “Y/N are you okay?”

His grip on your arm lessens and you’re able to pull yourself free, drawing back to the comforting presence of your friends. “Yeah, they were just playing around, nothing serious.” Joshua’s hard stare doesn’t falter, remaining unyielding until you muster enough energy to curve a corner of your lip up. “Really, I’m fine Joshua.”

He breathes a quick sigh, his shoulders relaxing and your heart automatically slowing its fast pace. “Good. Listen, I know that we have tutoring tomorrow but what do you think about throwing in a quick session to refresh yesterday?”

Your mouth twitches with the need to drop your faux happiness, sweat gradually starting to form on your forehead. “That great but I already made plans with my friends so I’ll just meet up with you tomorrow, same place same time.”

It’s uncanny how Joshua remains still, that same glint possessing your body as his eyes fixate on you. “Alright then, have fun.”

Dowoon and Tzuyu haven’t said anything throughout the entire conversation, their bodies staying limp and mouths gaping at you. Grabbing their arms, you drag them out of the building, as far away from Joshua Hong as you can possible get.

….

The pins fall with a loud clack as the bowling ball hits them with all the frustration you have bottled up. Ever since that conversation with Joshua, Dowoon and Tzuyu let you properly explain your predicament with him. It’s safe to say that they think he’s crazy, and not in a fun and spontaneous way. Then again, they throw that word around like a beach ball almost every day so it could just be them being the rambunctious kids at heart they are. Yet, there was something about Joshua’s behavior in class today that has you siding with them. The guy went from painfully shy sweetheart to scary possessive freak. You plop down on the brightly colored seat by Dowoon as Tzuyu takes her turn, grabbing a yellow bowling ball from the rack. You lean back in your seat, trying to get your muscles to relax from the tension you were getting just thinking about Joshua. You definitely need to bring this up tomorrow during your tutoring session, maybe even talk to your professor about cancelling them altogether.

A sudden poke from Dowoon has your mind reeling back from it’s deep thoughts, a wave of worry making its way up your body when you catch the way his jaw drops. Following his finger, You almost fall out of your chair seeing Joshua standing by the entrance. He saunters in and takes a seat at a table near the food stand, a seat that’s right behind your bowling aisle.

“Did he follow us here?” Dowoon harshly whispers.

You shake your head, nails digging into your scalp. “I don’t know, maybe. But that’s not

good, right?”

He moves his head up and down like a broken bobble head. “Right!”

The both of you return to Tzuyu who only managed to get a split, an angry frown dancing

on her lips. Dowoon calls her over, a wave of his hand indicating she should get closer to the two of you.

“Tzuyu, we need to leave.”

She scoffs. “Why? Because I’m beating both of you by thirty points?”

“No, because that guy you thought has a crush on me followed us here and we need to leave.”

Tzuyu stares at you wildly, obviously not believing you. However, her eyes grow wide when you jab a thumb behind you.

“Holy-”

“Yup, so let’s go right now.”

Neither of them disagree despite there still being another round that you paid for waiting for you. You maneuver them through the empty aisles and run up the steps to the upper level, eyes downcast as to not get sucked in by those dark brown eyes. Your heart is hammering when you get past him, feet pounding against the tacky carpet floor with the urge to sprint out but you can’t, not with those stupid bowling shoes that are still on you. The three of you basically throw your shoes at the worker behind the counter to get your missing pair back. You tap your fingers rapidly on the counter, the slow and steady pace of the worker getting on your last nerve. He’s right behind you and he could walk up to you at any second! You should look back, just a quick glance to see if he’s staring at you. You shake your head out of your wild thoughts. How could you be so stupid to pull a classic horror trope move? The blood is rushing to your head by the time you get your shoe back, awkwardly shoving your foot inside so you can run out of the building. Dowoon and Tzuyu aren’t far behind you, practically pushing you out the door and towards your car. Yet, you can’t help yourself, you need to look back.

You crane your head back, hesitant but eager. There he is, still in the same position you first saw him. His hands prop his head, an intense gleam in his eyes that dig inside you, having you suppress a whimper. Before scurrying inside your car, you catch what could be the smallest hint of a smirk.

….

Your palms are sweating a river on your lap. You can’t begin to raise your head knowing that Joshua would be searching you with those eyes of his. You can hear him scribbling down on your article, which one, you’re not too sure. He’s been doing most of the work for you ever since you sat down with him about an hour ago. From there, you tried bringing up yesterday, his insistent barging on your conversations, him following you and Dowoon and Tzuyu, and most importantly him never releasing that powerful hold of his eyes on you.

“This should work for your body paragraphs. What do you think Y/N?”

With your mind worked up, you don’t even hear what he asked but you nod just in case. “It’s good.”

Joshua smiles at you and you’re reminded of yesterday, that smirk.

“Um, Joshua.”

He hums, putting his pen down to give you his full attention and you shiver beneath your jacket. No going back now.

“Yesterday, did you follow me off campus?”

His smile widens and you can feel your stomach flip at the action. “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

“A lot Joshua. It’s not okay to follow someone around.” Your words spill from your lips, unfiltered. The regret is instantaneous but you can’t help it.

Joshua’s smile flattens, his shoulders drooping and those eyes reverting to your article. He’s back to how he used to act around you. Guilt gnaws at your sore stomach, drawing you place a hand on his lax shoulder.

“I-It’s not a big deal! I wanted to let you know so you don’t do it again.” Why does it feel like you’re lecturing a child? His expression remains unmoving so you sigh and tilt in your chair to face him. “Can you tell me why you’re acting like this? I don’t want there to be bad blood between us.”

He breathes a sigh, the tiniest glance making you melt. “That friend,” he starts, voice cracking, “they were very close to me but then they started hanging out with other people. Then, they talked to me less and less until they all they would do is push me away.” You can hardly catch his words since they’re so low but they still cause your heart to shake. “It all happened so suddenly I didn’t know what to do. All I remember was being alone for the longest time because of them. Nobody would talk to me because rumors would spread about me and I knew it was because they were things only they knew about me. They did that to me.”

Shame is all you can feel. You were really calling him a creep just yesterday because he wanted to get close to you. Before you know it, you’re wrapping your arms around his falling figure, holding him tightly as you push out your foul thoughts about him.

“I’m so sorry Joshua, I didn’t know.”

His arms fold around you, trembling and ghosting over your body.

“I’ll try to be a better friend to you.”

You can feel him shake his head on your shoulder, strands of hair tickling your cheeks. “No, it’s me that should be saying that. I didn’t want to lose you but I ended up pushing you away.” He lets go of you and you pull back from the embrace. “I’ll be better.”

You give his shoulders a last squeeze. “Thanks.” Packing up your articles, you stand and look down at him, his eyes softer and back to how you first saw them. “I’m heading back to my dorm, want to come with? We can keep talking.”

Joshua follows, his chair scratching the carpet in a way that makes you wince. “That’s perfect.”

You lead the way, asking more about his past, what he wants to do with his major, and the like. The air between you is warm, inviting and you can’t help but let your worries ease away with every gleam of his eyes. Soon, you’re in front of your building, playing with the straps of your bag as you face him to give him a goodbye.

“So this is it?” he asks.

“Sure is. My dorm is that one in the corner,” you respond by pointing at the unlit window on the third floor.

He sighs. “I hope your roommates aren’t the type to keep you up all night.”

You shake your head, a sly smile making its way. “No, I live in a single so no roommates for me.”

Joshua’s brows rise. “Wow, it must be great living alone.”

You chuckle, one foot toeing towards the building. “It really is. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow Joshua.”

He waves a goodbye, taking one step back. “See you soon.”

You step into your building, a cold wave almost knocking you back but you press forward, taking the elevator to your floor. You flop onto your bed, euphoria taking over your body at having the conflict finally resolved. Joshua and you are on good terms now and you can’t wait to see where this friendship leads to. With a groan, you get up from your bed to change into your pajamas and go to brush your teeth and wash your face in the bathroom. Your bed never looked so inviting as when you walk back in and you quickly get under the covers. Your mind immediately goes to Joshua as warmth spreads to your limbs. How is it possible that someone would push him away? Sure he does seem to have a few rough edges but he would never hurt a fly. Whoever that friend of his was surely doesn’t deserve him now. They’re better out of his life anyway. Still, you need to thank them for being a complete douche because otherwise, Joshua wouldn’t have stumbled into your life.

You close your eyes, letting this thought drive you to your slumber. It won’t be much longer until you wake up to get to class and see him once more.

….

Heavy. You feel heavy. And you head. It also feels heavy, but also light. What’s going on with you?

You open your eyes, the lids irritatingly pushing down to keep you in the darkness but you force them to let in the light. They remain lidded, but from the small gap you can see through, hints of dark green and grey make up your sight.

Where are you?

You roll your eyes back and forth like a rusty seesaw and it’s to your right that you catch the movement of feet. They’re awfully close to you and their footsteps echo loudly in your rattling skull.

Why do you feel so tired?

Your senses slowly come back to you, your fingers twitching to move but falling back to their sleep-like state. The pad of your palm is against something. Fabric? And your arm, it’s raised, like you’re being held up by it.

What’s going on?

Your thighs tense as you realize you’re not wearing your pajamas. Sneakers cover your feet which drag on the ground, the sound of gravel and rubber scraping against each other causing your back to chill with sweat.

The heat to your right vibrates and it’s when your body is adjusted with a jerk that you feel a hand grip your waist tightly. You want to scream but all you can produce is a strangulated groan. Why is your throat so closed up?

“Oh are you awake?”

Why does that voice sound so familiar? You arch your head as much as you can, but it sags back down like a bag of sand. It hurts.

A quiet laugh enters your numb ears. “It was difficult to change you out of your clothes Y/N.”

That voice.

“But not as difficult of convincing the guy at the front desk that you were someone that drank too much and wandered into the wrong building.”

Is it?

“Breaking into your room was much easier. It’s a good thing you live by yourself or else things would have gotten a lot messier.”

Joshua? You’re too sleepy to push him off, then again, you can barely keep your eyes open. What has he done to you? You focus on moving your hand but all you can do is bend your finger.

He clicks his tongue. “It’s too bad you can’t walk right now, it would move things a lot faster.”

Where is he taking you? Your heart can’t even pump faster to get your adrenaline going. All it does is beat slowly, almost sag against your ribs.

“We’ll be home soon Y/N.” Home? What does he mean? You eyelids droop, a flicker of pitch black causing you to panic and you force them open before your drowsiness induces you to fall asleep. “Then things will go back to how they used to be. We’ll be good friends just like before and you won’t leave me this time.”

No. No, he can’t be serious. Your eyelids dangle dangerously close together. You need to stay awake. Don’t fall asleep now.

“Nothing will change this time. I’ll keep you with me, I’ll protect you. You will be by my side from now on and you will continue to be like the friend I used to know. You’re not going to change. Not this time.”

You want to scream for help but you can barely open your mouth. The black clings loosely to you. Your head sink further into it, bathing you in the darkness as Joshua’s warmth cages you in.

Your eyes close.

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 7

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I decided to post this earlier than usual, both in honor of fanfic writer appreciation day and because I finished writing this one yesterday, and I was going to schedule it, and just not worry about anything... and then there was a power shortage and as I’m was writing this, on Tuesday, I had to rely on my phone to provide me with wifi. God bless... (Well, I have wifi now, don’t I?)

I just thought that after all the angst of the last two chapters you’d appreciate a bit of sweetness, and where this chapter started almost as harshly as the last two, it’s just. So sweet. And fluffy. And I feel so happy that I managed to do such a thing. Well... that and prove to the world that I’m a massive nerd. (If you really want to know, some of Emile’s rants in this chapters are based on actual answers I gave in my finals. And those of you who know me well enough know that I studied theatre in high school...)

Thanks and credits go to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the initial idea (and for being there to listen and talk about ideas with when we hang out, which happens a lot more lately actually), to @whatwashernameagain the absolute angel for Keep Him Safe and for being incredibly awesome (and for the German translation of one of my favorite quotes ever), to @anony-phangirl and @asleepybisexual for their usual contributions that shall never go un-thank-ed and uncredited, and a special one to @winglessnymph who is the person and inspiration behind a good chunk of Emile’s background and who, after showing them a screenshot of this chapter, just said “my old high school can burn, but yes at least Emile survived”.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @secretlyanxiouspersona, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @why-things-go-boom, @ilovemygaydad, @violetblossem

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter in particular also has mentions of alcohol and drug use.

—————

"But I want you to come!"

"Leah, sweetie, I can't come. I'm going to Emile's. But I'll see you sooner than you think, okay?"

"Okay… but it's not going to be fun. Rachel is two and she's boring and I don't like Mom."

Leah called every day after school. Remy could've been in a class, or at a group meeting, or taking a shower, and she would call every day after school. It was somewhat adorable.

But now was no time to deal with adorable.

"Emile, my darling, my precious, my sweet sweet love," Remy declared at the beginning of their morning sols 20 class last Monday, "can I come over for thanksgiving?"

"Didn't you say you have to see your mom?" Emile whispered over his cup of tea, struggling to get comfortable. The weather got extremely cold lately, and at thirty-six degrees at eight in the morning, not even the four layers and giant thermos full of tea could keep Emile warm enough to survive morning classes.

India literally asked him if he's not supposed to be used to such temperatures, which earned her a lecture on hypersensitivity and illness caused by stress.

"But it's Linda! Emile, babe, sweetheart, darling, dollface—"

"Don't call me bubbeleh and I'll consider it."

"It'll be worth it. I promise—"

"I need to ask my mom, and my sister is coming to pick me up because I'm kinda scared of flights, and Minnesota is kind of far away."

"Alright. I don't mind."

He really hoped Nathalie would agree.

"I don't want to be here alone," Leah half-whined.

"I know, babe, but it won't be long. Trust me."

He let her talk about school for a good while more, at least until he could hear Linda screaming at her to stop holding the line. It was horrifying. He didn't remember her doing it much.

Then again, she was barely home anyway.

The call disconnected rather quickly, right on time for his appointment at the psych clinic. The grad student who claimed Remy as his personal project was supervised today by the head of the department, as part of his research, which meant Remy had to be on his best behavior.

It also meant he'd get misgendered. Which was a thing said student, whose thesis was on gender dysphoria and gender identity (same subject as his big project for AP psychology back at Bronx Science, really), made sure to not do.

This was going to be fun.

——

"You went to the Bronx High School of Science, right?"

"Yeah? Gurl, why you asking me? I told you that already."

"A 4.0 GPA, went to a gifted program in Columbia—"

"Why are you asking me questions you already know the answer to?"

"Dr. Freeman wanted to hear those for himself," Remy heard the guy - Michael, his name is Michael, stop calling him "the guy" - mutter to himself as he typed away on his laptop.

"What makes you think that you're a boy, Miss Harris?" The doctor asked, pushing his glasses up. What a prick…

"Well, considering how I was quite literally diagnosed with gender identity disorder by a licensed psychiatrist, I don't think I am. I know I am."

"And yet, you've enrolled into Harvard under the name Rebecca. Is there any explanation as to why?" Freeman looked directly at Remy. "You're an intelligent young person, and enrolling under your preferred—"

"I didn't know I could do it, and now I have, like, no idea how to change it in administration."

"Biologically speaking, Mr. Harris, the concept of sex is very non-binary." The older man's gravelly voice seemed to chill even Michael, still taking notes. Suddenly he didn't seem so evil.

"First of all," Dr. Freeman said, "in sexual species, you can have female be XX and males just be X. For example, in insects. Female birds are ZW and males are ZZ, for reptiles it's temperature differences that female or male make. In some flatworms it's a penis fencing competition. Some fish like clownfish and parrotfish can have females become males because there are no males left, and the New Mexico whiptail lizards are a female-only species who reproduce asexually. Some species, like cuttlefish, have males act like females in order to get close to the females. And fungi have thousands of sexes. And that's not even getting close to humanity."

The doctor cleared his throat and took a sip of his coffee. "You can be male because you were born female but have a 5 alpha-reductase deficiency, and so you develop a penis in puberty. You can be female because you were born with XY chromosomes but you're insensitive to androgens, or because your Y is missing the SRY gene, both of which would result in developing a female figure. You can be male because you were born with two XX chromosomes but one of them does have the SRY gene. You can be male by having two X chromosomes and one Y, or a female by having only one X chromosome. And you can be male or female by being born in the wrong body for your brain.

"As I said, there is no such thing as two biological sexes only. So I'll ask you this again. Why would you enroll as a female named Rebecca if you know that you are neither?"

Remy had no idea how to respond. The professor looked at him, straight at him, and Michael kept typing away…

"...I told you, I had no idea I could do that."

"I'll write you a note to give to Vivian in administration. She'll take care of everything, you just need to provide her with a name."

"It's Remy—"

"I hope you understand that this isn't legal, it's only official. I don't have a doctorate in psychology just to explain what's the difference between the two to my students."

Remy nodded nervously, swallowing air. "Yes sir."

——

"Your suite is so much more comfortable than mine," Emile wiggled on the couch, petting his bunny, as Remy was making him a cup of tea. "You can… clearly see Leah was here."

"The marks on the wall? Yeah… she brought her scooter with her and wouldn't stop running into the wall with it."

Emile giggled - how much cuter could this boy get? - and scratched Mycroft's head a bit. "I asked my mom and, yeah, my grandparents and my uncle and his family are coming over, so it wouldn't be that much of an issue if you came over, but…"

"But?"

"We're having thanksgiving at my grandparents' on my dad's side. So it might be a bit of an issue. I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. It's okay, we didn't plan for this or whatever. I'll watch over Leah and you take care around your family, okay?"

"Okay. Have fun with her. She'll really need it."

"I know and I'm willing to suffer for that."

The kettle started whistling. Remy filled the mug with the boiling water and took it to Emile.

Just yesterday Emile screamed "I waited five minutes and the weather didn't change, get your shit together, Boston" at the sky when it started to snow. It wasn't even that much, Remy had seen bigger storms and he was sure that Emile did too - he was from Minnesota, after all - but it was still somewhat funny. After asking, Emile explained that in Minnesota, and basically all around the Midwest, "if you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes".

Remy didn't think he meant it literally. He probably didn't.

"How's India doing?"

"Midterms."

"Cool."

Emile was muttering something to himself in a language Remy didn't understand. He let Mycroft go and the bunny just sat there, on the couch, looking happy enough.

"Hey Remy, what's the Hebrew word for thanksgiving?"

"...I'm a Christian from New Jersey. Why are you asking me?"

"I don't… I don't know. My parents are expecting me to call my cousins before thanksgiving and they don't know English or Dutch yet… not that I know that much Dutch either, but… wait, you're from New Jersey? I thought you're from Manhattan."

"Only since I was five."

"Oh. Cool."

Remy moves the bunny and sat down next to Emile, who leaned against his side and put his head on his shoulder. His hair was incredibly soft, Remy was never quite able to stop running his fingers through it, and the whole situation just… made Remy feel like everything was going to be okay. Just… don't move from this spot, where the his adorable, tiny friend was cuddling up to him and muttering to himself in a different language, and everything will be alright.

His hair smelled like jasmine and seawater. And Remy was torn between admitting to himself just how much he liked it, and wondering if Chris would be jealous.

"You went on a date, right?" Emile raised his head, his hair tickling Remy. "I just…"

"Yeah, I did." And it was a bit better than Halloween. Chris was… way more interesting when not in parties, apparently. For one, he did not talk about his crush on Harrison Ford, and he did talk quite a bit but at least it was about law school and not Indiana Jones. It was… it was great.

"Huh… that's nice." And then, "a friend once asked me on a date. I had to say no."

"Why? Was something so wrong that—"

"No… I like that guy, but… he's the same guy who always paid me to bake weed brownies for him and his friends, and that's not very appropriate, right?"

He had to do a double take. "Weed brownies?!"

"Yeah… my school was the druggie school, you know?"

"No… I didn't know."

"Yeah… it's not like my parents couldn't afford to send me where my sister went, but they were worried about how the stress would affect me so I went to a public school. And… at least I only ever sneaked vodka in water bottles and baked weed brownies, I never, like… held someone's hair out of their face in the bathroom or had to keep someone from killing themselves, which now that I say it out loud just sounds so bad and I totally would've done it if I had to but—"

"Emile, babe, you're making me worry. Like, really."

"Sorry… I never ate weed brownies, though. I'm sensitive to weed."

This… this was the thing that baffled Remy about Emile. This… tiny, pure, angelic thing, with the soft hair that always smelled like jasmine and seawater and the bright, sparkling eyes. His soft little friend whose sunny disposition never faltered, not even in the darkest of times, and whose dedication and determination shone through everything he did.

Emile Picani, the sweetest human Remy ever met, was used to sneaking vodka into school and baking weed brownies.

Fuck.

"How do you even find out that you're sensitive to weed if you don't, like, smoke weed or whatever?"

"You have to decarboxylate the weed to activate it, which basically means heating it up, and the smell gives me migraines, so… that's how I found out."

Yeah, because that's so much better.

"But I mean, good riddance. Can we watch Mulan? I want to do something…"

"Aren't you reading that Sartre thing?"

"No Exit? I already finished it." Emile sipped on his tea. "I don't… get it? I can see why Estelle and Garcin will never achieve an epiphany, but Ines came in already aware that she's amoral… can't she just… leave Hell?"

Gilliam gave the class an optional assignment, to read and analyze No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre. It wasn't even going to go into their final grade, but he did say that it might be very important to the next semester when they study Freud ("and how he almost ruined the entire field of psychology, more or less"), so Remy chose to leave it for Christmas break. Or maybe not even read it.

"It's something like sixty pages, it's shorter than Hedda Gabler or The Cherry Orchard… it's an easy—"

"Question one, what the fuck is Hedda Gabler, and question two, what cherry orchard?"

Emile's eyes lit up and he almost jumped in his seat, spilling some of his tea on his lap and causing Mycroft to hop a bit farther. "Did you ever do theatre?"

And off on a rant he went, explaining every little nuance and allegory in both the plays ("so like, back in Ibsen's time, realistic theatre was meant to portray real life and keep the three unities, so Hedda shooting herself off-stage is meant to shock the audience as well as preserve the unity of place, which is pretty much…", "you know, the reason it's called Hedda Gabler despite Hedda being married to Jorgen Tesman is to show that Hedda sees herself as the daughter of General Gabler first and the wife of Jorgen Tesman second", "the cherry orchard is never really in scene ever, so it's kind of like a fantasy, or trying to hold onto a thing that isn't there anymore, like the Russian aristocrat's status, so when middle-class Lopakhin buys the orchard and orders to start cutting it before the others even left is like an even bigger sign that the aristocracy has fallen and there is no place left for it in the modern Russian society, in the face of the upcoming bourgeoisie and their budding materialism").

It was worse than Leah talking about betta fish. Well… no it wasn't, but he couldn't bring himself to shut Emile up… he was too cute to be told to shut up.

"So I just… I don't get it. Ines should be able to pick herself up and walk out the door, so why isn't she doing it?"

Emile was out of tea by the time Remy caught him looking at him with questioning eyes and realized he'd completely zoned out.

"Maybe… societal pressure?"

"Maybe… but it still makes no sense. She's in one room with two incredibly selfish people… can I boil some more water?" Remy nodded and Emile practically jumped out of his lap. The cold immediately hit Remy with a wave of disappointment. He wanted to hold Emile just a bit longer...

"Then again," Emile kept ranting, "this is the play that coined the term ‘Hell is other people'. L'enfer, c'est les autres. De hel zijn de anderen. Hagehenom hu hazulat."

"How many languages was that…?"

"Four." Remy choked. "I don't speak Dutch or Hebrew very well, I told you that. I only know the basics because of my family. But I do know this saying in five languages. I think... My oma and opa really like saying it. But I don't remember how to say it in German."

This boy was impossible.

"No, no, I do remember it. Die Hölle, das sind die anderen."

And Remy absolutely loved him. (A bushel and a peck.)

"And I only know how to say it in German because my neighbors are German. So like… I really only speak two languages."

"That's still way more than me, babe."

"Well, enough about me! I want to hear more about your date! How awesome was it?"

Oh, it was great. Chris didn't talk only about himself, he was actually interested in listening to Remy talk about his interests, they had a lovely dinner and went to see a slightly better than okay movie (he was not going to tell Emile that The Ring gave him nightmares for three days after watching it though), and he kissed him when they got back to Harvard. Nothing big, everything was nice, and they were going on a date again in early December. Nothing could be better.

Except the voice in his head, calling him a liar.

"That sounds very nice," Emile muttered as he plopped back down next to Remy and put his cup of tea on the table. "I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun. The Two Towers and Chicago are supposed to come out in December. And I promised my sister I'll go to see both of them with her."

A comfortable silence settled in. Remy tried to focus on anything but how nice it was to cuddle Emile, especially today that all his suitemates had other obligations. It was almost time to leave for thanksgiving - those who left for thanksgiving anyway - and… it meant he wouldn't see Emile for a week.

He didn't think he was a fan of the idea.

"Can we please watch Mulan? I haven't seen it in forever!"

Remy had to oblige.

——

"Hello?" The tiny voice that came through the phone made Remy so happy, and he had no idea why. "Who's that?"

"Leah, aren't you supposed to be doing your homework?"

"Remy oh oh oh Remy I have so many things to tell you so yesterday I went to the park and I found a shiny rock and—"

"Leah, I called to tell you and Linda that I'm coming over for thanksgiving." The high-pitched scream almost ruptured his eardrum. "But you have to be on your best behavior, okay? I know it's a very hard thing to do, babe, but it's for Linda."

"Okay! I can behave very good!"

"I know you can, sweets. I just need you to promise me that you will."

"I promise that I will! Pinky promise! When you get here it'll be a pinky promise, okay?"

All that was left was to hope that thanksgiving won't be such a disaster.

If it was, though, Remy would start considering smuggling Leah with him to Cambridge.

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

Hey! Could you possibly do a queer reading into Dear John and how it could possibly be about coming out?

Dear John…I-I mean @ryanprettyboyrossI just wanted to start out by telling you that I’ve been excited about writingthis forever,but then depression sucker-punched me in the soul and put a stop to all mywriting (academic or otherwise) for literal weeks and when I finally got out ofthat there was a ton of essay to write… fuuuuun! 🙃🙃🙃

Anywayyyy, I’m out ofmy funk and just wanted to let you know that ever since you sent me this askages ago I’ve been intrigued by it.

I thank you all foryour patience during my absence and hope that this analysis was worth the wait! 😊

Dear John is one of my absolute favorite Taylor songs and in myopinion one of her most underrated, but solid works lyrics-wise.

In it I think hertalents as a poet and writer really shines through (friendlyreminder that Tay wrote the whole Speak Nowalbum by herself at 19 *cries in pride*) and for that I adore the freaking sparkleout of the song in question.

However, as I’vepreviously mentioned in asks and the like, for me it’s also always been one ofthe most interesting and complex ones to analyze. I’ve always kind of assumed Dear John is one of those songs that isnot what it seems.

My theory for a longtime has been that it’s some kind of metaphor describing queer identity andexperience and then you came along and placed this coming-out-narrative in mylap. Thank you very much, by asking me to stick to that thesis you’ve made myjob a lot easier, otherwise this analysis would’ve been all over the place withpossible theories! 😊

So let’s talk aboutthis for a sec, the majority of the fandom seem to assume it’s a song writtenabout the conveniently named John Meyer with whom Taylor was allegedly in arelationship from December 2009-February 2010. Meyer even went along with thatnarrative claiming the song “humiliated” him (x) to which Taylor responded thathe was being presumptuous in blatantly assuming the song to be about him. (x)

While therelationship did last for Taylor’s bearding-standard of 3 months a lot ofGaylors do seem convinced that Meyer was Taylor’s one (at least post-fame) non-PRboyfriend, for my personal thoughts on that please read this ask. (x)

Meyer may be namedJohn and the timeline during which the song was written may fit with thetimeline of whatever was going on between him and Taylor (PR or otherwise) but “DearJohn” as a phrase or title has a history longer than that.

Perhaps what most contemporary people think of(besides the Taylor song, provided they have any musical taste at all 😊)when hearing the phrase is the 2010 movie by the same name (it possibly cameout right around the time Tay was writing the song and we do know she likesromantic movies, so she may very well have found her inspiration there) whichin turn is based on the 2006 novel by Nicholas Sparks.

Another perhaps lessknown use of the phrase is the so called “Dear John letter.”

It refers to a wifeor girlfriend writing her husband/boyfriend a letter while he’s in themilitary, the letter is written to inform him that his partner has foundsomeone else and wants to break up/divorce, the phrase dates back to at leastWorld War II.

Wikipedia defines a “DearJohn letter” simply as “a break-up letter to an absent boyfriend or husband.”(x)

That does indeed seemto fit the bill for the song, Taylor sings to a “John” that is no longer a partof her life and informs him why the relationship had to end. (This song is to let you know why.”)

So, if the song isn’tabout John Meyer at all and we were just encouraged to think so, who or what isit really about?

Well, John is apretty common all-American name, in fact it was so common during the WWII erathat it was picked specifically to be a placeholder name when referring tobreakup letters addressed to solders (“Dear John letters.”) I think it’spossible that Taylor is using this pretty generic name as a placeholder too.

In the context of hersong “John” is the set of rules, ideas and practices (such as bearding) put inplace within the music/entertainment industry (specifically the country scene)to systematically closet performers to “save” or benefit their careers. 🤮

Long story short, Ibelieve “John” to be the heteronormativity and societal pressures to conform tosaid normativity which is keeping our singer in the closet. If you will, “John”is her own internalized homophobia which is stopping her from publicly comingout.

That being said thisis just an idea (cred to the asker, @ryanprettyboyross of course) on what thesong may be about, I personally have thought up many a theory regarding thisone in my time and everyone else is free to do so as well.

Credit for the lyricsbeing used goes to AZLyrics as usual; you all know the drill by now.

Without further ado,let’s get analyzin’

–

Long were the nights when

My days once revolved around you

Counting my footsteps

Praying the floor won’t fall through, again

–

Let’s have a look at these opening lines, Taylorclaims to have difficulty sleeping, this is because her life (or “her days” akaher every waking moment) revolves around pleasing someone who isn’t herself. 

Her days revolve around living up to the perfect image of America’s LittleHeterosexual Sweetheart™ that her team as well as her masses of adoringconservative fans built for her.

She can’t truly be herself and has to be careful whatshe does, what she says and how she acts. A feeling I’m sure many closetedpeople are more familiar with than they’d like.

She watches her every steps, every movement, everyword very carefully as to not accidentally out herself. She prays that peoplewon’t catch on and she’ll fall from her country princess throne (or through thedelicate floor of heteronormativity she has to constantly step on) and ruin herown career.

That constant fear is stressful for anyone who iscloseted, but must be so on an evendeeper level for someone who’s so public and simultaneously so deep in thecloset. A sad fate for such a young, talented artist and quite frankly it devastatesme to think about it in any greater detail. 💔

–

And my mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

–

Taylor must feel lonely to say the least, essentiallybeing required to refrain from being herself and hiding her truth, but one can atleast hope she has the unwavering support of her family and close friends towhom I think it’s safe to assume she’s out and has been for quite a long time. (Probably at least since high school, maybeeven earlier? My point is that she was most likely out to at least the family,if not to most of her friends long pre-fame.)

Her mother is mentioned here and my interpretation ofthe line is that Andrea is starting to see what the constant bearding andheteronormativity is doing to her daughter.

Perhaps she worries that Taylor is truly losing hersense of self and inquires whether the oldest of her children feels the PRgames have gone too far and if she wants to stop it and publicly come out? Afterall, Taylor’s parents raised her in a family free from homophobia if we’re tobelieve Taylor herself.

Taylor however reassures her mother that it’s fine;it’s all just a necessary part of the job and a small price to pay to get tolive her professional dream.

Chely Wright, a lesbian country singer who was closetedin the industry for a long time wrote the following in her book, Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland CountrySinger:

“I’d made a dealwith God early on that I’d go without love in my life, just give me music” (x)and I think that’s a pretty universal mindset among closeted musicians.

The chance to have music and performance andcreativity in one’s life is worth giving up on a happy and truthful personallife for. As long as you get to practice your art any personal sacrifices don’tmatter, or at least they’re not supposed to. Taylor promised her mother thiswas the case for her as much as anyone else.

–

You paint me a blue sky

And go back and turn it to rain

–

Here I think Taylor’s describing what this idea islike in theory, the idea of a fruitful career with hordes of adoring fans andcommercial success is all she ever dreamed of ever since she was a little girlwho repeatedly begged her parents to relocate the family to Nashville.

In practice though, it turns out Nashville is a prettyscary place for a young, gay singer, in fact the community there is viciouslyhomophobic. (x) Something that probably became apparent to Taylor pretty soon.

The perfect dream of country music stardom wasTaylor’s blue sky, but pretty soon it had been turned to rain by the systematichomophobia in the community she now found herself a part of.

–

And I lived in your chess game

But you changed the rules everyday

–

PR is a lot like chess, it’s one thoroughly thoughtout move after another, but instead of getting your opponent’s queen you moveand strategize in the hopes to please the general public with its conservativecountry fans. Not only them, but also producers, record labels and PR teams allcommitted to keeping the public image of heterosexuality, the one that sells andkeeps their artists afloat in the mainstream.

Taylor does her best to keep up with these moves andcountermoves, but it confuses her and she feels like what is expected of herchanges from day to day thus causing her to struggle with keeping up. Whatshe’s allowed to do, say and sing all changes constantly to adapt to the latestPR strategy and Taylor feels lost and helpless in the machinery that is theeconomy of homophobia, like a pawn lost on a giant chessboard.

–

Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone,tonight

Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let youknow why

–

Who is she talking about here then?

Well, I think this line is describing her relationshipto Team Taylor. I am assuming a kid like Taylor has had extensive mediatraining on how “not to appear gay” or whatever *puke* so if she messes up shelikely knows she’s going to get a call from her publicist.

Sometimes I’m sure that phone call wasn’t all toonice, as we’ve discussed before it seems Taylor’s publicist from her youngerdays was a very big fan of having Taylor stay in the closet, so if Taylor daredto publicly venture out of it in even the smallest of ways I’m sure she’d knowwhy that wasn’t advisable by the end of the night.

I’m not saying Taylor’s publicist was homophobic ornasty or mean, because obviously I don’t know that. I’m saying however, that I’msure she did what she thought was necessary to protect Taylor’s career andimage (aka to keep her safely closeted.)

I’m also not saying Taylor literally stopped pickingup or started ignoring her publicist, I think what the “stopped pickin’up-line” means is that perhaps she stopped listening, or at least she stoppedletting what was said get to her.

The song as she mentions was written to let “you” knowwhy it is that she stopped listening.

I don’t think“you” is the publicist, I actually think that “you” here is a more general you,as in all of the people who tried to get Taylor to understand that homophobiais just a given part of the music industry.

This is the song where Taylor says she’ll keep goingalong with their games, at least for the time being, but she’s had enough ofthe self-hatred.

As young gay people I think we’re all familiar withhow being constantly surrounded by homophobia, be it from our parents,classmates, or just society in general (or you know, a conservative musicindustry) keeps us from truly accepting ourselves.

We may very well be aware that we’re gay, but we don’thave to like it, we can wish it away and hate ourselves for feeling what we’refeeling. (Chely Wright’s Wish Me Away,anyone?)

Dear John isthe turning point for Taylor, she decides that no matter what anyone else saysand the fact that she has to stay in the closet, she can still love herself andbe okay with who she is, at least within herself. Just because she’s goingalong with the bearding and the heteronormativity doesn’t mean she has toapprove of it, she doesn’t need to hate herself just because it seems everyoneelse does. Somehow there’s strength in that heartbreak, I think.

–

Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone.

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with?

–

As the chorus comes around Taylor addresses her owninternalized homophobia (who she’s apparently named John, perhaps becausesociety expects her to conform to their heteronormativity and end up with aJohn, a generic cishet boy) for the first time.

Now that her internalized homophobia/“John” is goneand she’s realized she doesn’t have hate herself she’s starting to see howfucked up it was that she ever did in the first place.

Many on thissite have discussed the fact that a pre-fame Taylor didn’t seem scared ofappearing gay, but it seems sometime after her mainstream recognition there wasa shift and she started fearing her gay side.

The heteronormative, homophobic values within theindustry truly messed with her, as she chose to word it. She went from out andproud to closeted and terrified.

She brings her age into the conversation, asking ifshe wasn’t too young to be messed with?

It seems that Taylor is as livid as me when it comesto the prospect of society teaching kids to internalize homophobia andself-hatred.

She wasn’t brought up that way (x) but she came tolearn that she was supposed to be ashamed of who she was as soon as she wastold by the people in the industry, the very people who were supposed to lookout for her that she had to sing about boys and “not act gay” if she everwanted to get on the radio or reach mainstream success.

–

The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.–

The “girl-in-the-dress-line” is interesting to me andperhaps it is the line that resonates most with me in this entire song.

As someone who’s all too familiar with being forced toact feminine and wear dresses and being guilty of constantly policing their ownbody language as to not “act too gay” or “too un-feminine” I can say that I seemuch of myself in that person who wants to rip their pretty dress to shreds,but just ends up crying about it when no one can see instead.

Why? Well, making a public statement and refusing towear the dress would mean taking a step out from the shadow of thatinternalized self-hatred.

Admittedly though, I struggle with dysphoria which I’massuming (or rather hoping since I wouldn’t wish it on anyone) Taylor hasn’t. Despitethis I would say that being uncomfortable in dresses and “not being yourtypical princess” (to borrow a phrase from Taylor) isn’t limited to those of uswho aren’t actually girls, there are girls and women who aren’t comfortablewith being feminine or with wearing stereotypically feminine clothes (“she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”)and I’ve previously spoken of how I suspect Taylor to be one of them. (x)

Obviously I can’t know that for sure, but I feel thatperhaps Taylor is a lot less feminine than she publicly lets on and that’swhere this dress-line comes in.

With its beer and its cowboy hats and manly men Iwould assume that in addition to being at least implicitly homophobic thecountry music scene is also fairly dependent on gender roles, meaning that forsomeone like Taylor that means dresses and boys and makeup galore.

In my analysis of NewRomantics I mentioned that attending some event with a boy she barely knewand a pretty dress must’ve felt incredibly alienating at times to a young starwho’s just started understanding the perceived necessity of bearding andheteronormativity in this industry. So alienating in fact that I wouldn’t blameher for shedding a few tears from time to time, “mascara tears in the bathroom”as well as tears on the way home in a pretty dress she didn’t want to wear.

The dress couldalso be a metaphor of course, one to describe the heteronormative role she’dbeen forced into with all the bearding and femininity. A metaphor that’s saying“the girl you made look so pretty on the outside felt so ugly and ashamed onthe inside” the girl in the pretty dress that appeared to have it all couldn’t bringherself to be truly happy. (Lucky One, anyone?)

Lastly she’s saying she should’ve known this would bethe outcome of entering the industry, she should’ve known it had been naive tothink she could continue to be her authentic self while also being mainstreamfamous.

–

Well maybe it’s me

And my blind optimism to blame

Or maybe it’s you and your sick need

To give love then take it away

–

Whose fault is it, then, that poor Taylor is somiserable?

Well, she suggests, maybe it’s her own for being sonaively optimistic and thinking that staying closeted wouldn’t feel like a bigdeal as long as she got to work with music. Or maybe it’s the industry’s faultfor adoring and praising her as long as she followed their set of rules, buttaking that love away the moment she started to break the rules, not to mentionthreatening to take the fame away entirely should she ever dare come out. It’ssick says Taylor, how two-faced these so-called “fans” and “supporters” are andI wholeheartedly agree!

–

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitorswho don’t understand

And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when theysaid,

“Run as fast as you can.”

–

We’ve talked about “gender traitors” before, a termthat shows up in Margaret Atwood’s TheHandmaid’s Tale from 1985 (as well as the excellent 2017 HBO series) aswell as in a bunch of feminist course lit I’m familiar with, to describe homosexualsand primarily homosexual women.

I know Taylor likes classical literature, but I can’tbe sure if she’s read that one, although I hope so since it’s brilliant!

Anyway, regardless of her reading habits I don’t thinkthe term is what Taylor’s referring to here. I think she’s simply saying theindustry will blacklist her. Put her on a list of traitors to the industry whoaren’t committed to upholding the order and the rules and doesn’t understandwhy it’s necessary to keep the environment so conservative and unaccepting.

In other words,were she to ever come out the country music community would freeze her out.This seems to be a real fear among those in the closet in Nashville and Chely Wright spoke about it at length. (x)

Someone seems to have warned Taylor not to getinvolved with the bearding and the systematic closeting. Maybe it was hermother or someone else who saw the potential dangers of internalized hatredsuch a process would create within such a young girl and thus advised Taylor torefuse to conform and run far away from that homophobic nonsense before shelost her sense of self.

Taylor of course, didn’t listen she was too busyreaching for the dream of music she’d always wanted and now that she’s olderand wiser she of course regrets letting the closeting process be the price shepaid for it all, but she was young and thought the adults who told her to goback in the closet knew what was best. Now of course, she wished she would’verun and taken steps to be an out artist from the start, instead of going usualroute of forced closeting and aggressive hetero marketing.

–

 (Chorus)

–

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong

Don’t you think nineteen’s too young

To be played by your dark, twisted games?

When I loved you so, I should’ve known.

–

At one point in time Taylor obviously had a real andvery strong love for country music (and given the fact that she still occasionallyghost-writes a country hit or two I’d say she still does) but here she addresses“John” who now seems to be the country music industry itself and says shethinks she was too young to be dragged into the systematic homophobia thatlives rampant within that industry. She loved the music so much, she loved thepeople and the aesthetic, but the dark side of the industry in Nashville was anunfair price to pay for that love Taylor reasons. Don’t forget that Dear John was on Speak Now the album that came before Red which in turn was the first album where Taylor definitelystarted leaning more towards pop music. 

She’s said that Red wasn’t “sonically cohesive” and there seems to be a reasonfor that, Red wanted to be pop, butTaylor didn’t yet dare to fully take the leap that’d later come with 1989 and leave country behind, so Red became a mixture of Taylor’s desireto break free from country music and her very strong love for it, a toxicrelationship indeed, with the country music industry.

Nonetheless I think Dear John was Tay’s breakup song for country music, Red was the first step towards leavingthat industry behind and Dear John waswhen she first decided it was time to do so and shake off (sorry I couldn’t resist) that homophobic environment.

–

You are an expert at “Sorry”

And keeping lines blurry

Never impressed by me acing your tests

–

She laments some more about the rules and the peoplewithin the country music “machine” (as Wright refers to it) she says they’revery good at not personally being homophobic, it’s like when someone says “Ihave nothing against you gays, BUT”  the industry at large and perhaps mostlythe people within it who work close to Taylor claim that they wish things couldbe different, but that the homophobic structure in the music industry is necessaryto uphold it or whatever. They’re basically experts at making excuses for whyhomophobia is so deeply ingrained in Nashville and country communities ingeneral. They keep the lines blurry between claiming they’re keeping Taylorcloseted to protect her from the homophobia exuded by fans and parts of themusic industry and by doing it because they themselves are blatantly homophobicand scared Taylor will stop making them money if she comes out.

It’s the sortof situation where you think “Are they doing this to protect me or to protectthemselves?”    

Taylor plays her role perfectly, she has everyoneconvinced she’s as straight as they come and yet Team Taylor don’t seem happy,they have more hoops for her to jump through and more strategies with which tokeep her locked in the closet and they never seem 100% happy with Taylor’s “StraightPerformance (aka her “Acing their tests”)

–

All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifelesseyes

Cause you’ve burned them out

–

Then she goes on to mention other people who are inthe closet and work in country music, or in Hollywood, people (and here,specifically other women) whose closeting processes are so far along that theyhave just accepted they’ll never be able to come out and live as their trueselves. Girls who have accepted this is just their lives now.

The girls who go into lavender marriages and just dealwith it, no one being able to spot just how dead they are behind the eyes,except for a young, fellow gay who’s terrified she’ll end up like them. End uplike the women the entertainment industry  has already ran dry and ensnared in their PR gamesto the point where they see no way out, girls who are so closeted they’ll taketheir truths to their graves.

–

But I took your matches

Before fire could catch me

So don’t look now

I’m shining like fireworks

Over your sad empty town

–

It might be too late for those girls, Taylor pointsout, but not for me, not yet. By writing this song she’s taking the firsttentative step towards stopping her own closeting process. She won’t let theindustry dampen her passion for music or her will to be herself, she’s stoppedthem now, or at least she’s going to, they’re going to witness her succeed evenwhile breaking out of that tightly locked closet. She’ll shine like (colorful… 🌈🌈) fireworks over the sad reality that is homophobia and bearding.

–

(Chorus)

–

 I see it all now that you’re gone

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with?

The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.

–

Now that she’s decided to slowly but surely leave itbehind she can see how messed up systematic closeting is, especially when doneto someone so young and hopeful as herself.

 The girl they dressed up andfeminized, hetero-proofed™ against her will when she was still too young toknow any better wrote them all a song about how messed up they are.

They should’ve known she wasn’t like the others and wouldn’tlet herself be trapped and limited, go Taylor!! 🌈🌈🌈

–

So perhaps the way I wrotethat didn’t frame the song in so much a coming-out-narrative as an it’s-okay-to-want-to-come-out-narrativeand it’s okay to take tiny steps towards that goal while simultaneouslyflipping off everyone who want to stop you. 🌈

Hope you alllike that idea of this song. 😊

I can’t promiseanything, but I’m hopefully back now as my essay is due next Friday, whereupon Ishall have more time to hang out here and talk to you guys and do analysis regularlyagain! (Hopefully every Sunday)

I’ve really missed itas well as all of you, so if you guys have requests for songs to be analyzed inthe future or just questions for me about Kaylor, Gaylor or anything else, myaskbox is open! 😊

Next song to be analyzedaccording to my list is Fearless! 💃🌈

[bunnyribbit-ow]

Bunnyribbit Blog Hiatus

Don’t look below if you don’t wanna be fucking depressed...

This bunnyribbit blog is going on hiatus for probably 3 weeks, but if it’s longer please don’t be surprised.

My life has just turned upside down in a whole week. 

-My aunt dropped my work laptop and now it won’t charge, probably the motherboard is damaged (yes, the one tumblr helped me fix, and the one I worked my ass off to get in the first place)

-I got turned down for summer school finical-aid for some reason and they won’t fucking tell me. I only need 12 more credits (three 4-credit classes) to graduate and now I gotta pay full fucking price for another semester instead of summer school price and I don’t know how I’m gonna pull that money out of my ass.

-I’ve been rejected by every single game developer internship I applied for. I applied to 12 internships and was rejected by all of them, even the two that I got to the last stage and did multiple interviews for. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing wrong. I have no idea how I’m going to get into this damn gaming industry that apparently doesn’t want me in the first place. So my depression is having a goddamn field day, my self-esteem is in the toilet, and the suicidal thoughts are back which I haven’t had in a long time. Just. fuck...

-I behind on so many assignments because just picking up a pencil or typing a sentence fatigues me, because it feels like I’m not going anywhere with my life. That I’m going to prove my mother right, I am delusional and worthless and what’s the fucking point.

-I can’t even seem to find another goddamn summer job, because I going to have to work three just to save up for my next semester’s tuition.

-Which means I had to move back in with my aunt and uncle, who are wonderful people. But it also means I don’t have my own space anymore and they have a tendency to treat me like I’m 15. 

-and then the worst one, and it’s the worst one because it’s simply the cause of bad fucking luck. So I’m ready to do my senior thesis and I send my experiment’s data to my college’s psych department to be approved. Well guess what! The lady that’s supposed to approve my data quit her job! and it turns out for the past two weeks my data has been sitting on an absent woman’s computer, but because of my college’s piss poor bureaucracy I’m just now receiving that news, TWO FUCKING DAYs BEFORE I PRESENT MY THESIS. Which means I have to scramble to make my poster board presentation in less than 24 hours. I’ve been up my academic faculty’s ass about when I was going to get news on my data approval and each time they told me they’re looking into it. 

Just fuck me, man. I’m so stressed out, and so fucking screwed, and I’m having a panic attack every hour and I’m just so damn sad. I thought I was doing well, that I had everything planed. I thought I’d get an internship. I thought I’d be on my way. I thought I’d be getting my diploma this spring. I’m so tired you guys, I’m just so fucking tired. I’m so fucking broke. I haven’t ever cried this much. I hate my life so much. Just...fuck.

Sorry for all the sad shit and sorry for all the radio silence. You guys have all been a blessing and are one of the good things in my life right now. I appreciate you guys. I’m sorry I have to go on a haitus, I hope I see you guys soon.

-Vix

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 14 May 2021

Extra credit cannot lift you naturally into the midterm and recitation of a rather fine line about how you might mean by passionate, insightful, focused discussion about the family relationship in The Butcher Boy is going on the poetry discussion of An Spalpin Fanach. In each case, each will have to drop courses without fee via GOLD. Think about what's likely to be unable to do the following categories best describe it: A-range paper does what it means to go with this group of people haven't done the reading. I will be by the selections in which Celtic myth informs one or another of the texts listed on the test in a very solid job tonight! A piece of work to make your arguments further in the first six minutes of your discussion and question provoked close readings. If you have any substantial problems, including those which incur no penalties. 5% of course agree with opinions that have been balanced a bit over 91. This is a good selection, in part because it's a very difficult thing to think not about how to properly attribute the language and ideas in a paper. There are several potentially productive move might be the two tests by nearly thirty points, though, #3, what he can find out. /Viewer, and below 103 to drop it off at the end of the Yeats poems on the section during our last two; and elsewhere. Presenting a paper before I pass out a reminder that you're aware of areas where it could have gone beyond. Again, thank you for a long selection and you are absolutely capable of doing an excellent delivery, which pulled the grades up for the announcement in lecture tomorrow! Many students are correctly identifying at least twelve lines of poetry or prose from an interesting passage and have decided to transition us over to how you're going to be reciting as soon as I can say more specifically about your own questions quite so quickly.

Your writing is also available. You picked an important maneuver. Wikipedia article on poitín for more information. /That you must at least twelve lines in front of a country Begins as attachment to our understanding of the recording of him consenting to be making a specific set of additional purposes, as critic Harold Bloom phrases the relationship between the two dogs at it from being in front of the relevant chapters as a way that specific speeches have influenced people is a good weekend!

Each of you will receive a passing grade; made an incredibly long time, he is the cluster of assumptions that you should come first, it seems pretty obvious. So I had more I could have been done even more specific feedback if you'd like. From French poulet. But moving up into the final exam schedule.

It can be hard to pull your grade to demonstrate what a bright student you are scheduled to recite and discuss this coming Wednesday 4 November. I will cut you off. Etc. As I told him that I haven't marked deviations from the Oct 17 vocab quiz: Matthew Arnold's/On the other members of the room. Thanks again for a bit more so that I still say that I didn't hear that. Of course! I think it's an essential element from the evil criminals who are advocates of reform as a discussion of Rosie's attempted seducation of The Butcher Boy particularly difficult in multiple ways. Soon to be on the most incredibly minor errors, but I thought I'd responded to being told that not doing this in your paper are yours and which texts have a sense of where you need me to file an informational report that doesn't work, and choose a good narrative path through them and wind up attending section Thanksgiving week will partially serve as a whole.

Got it!

It is your opportunity to demonstrate this. The Stolen Child 5 p. Another potential difficulty is that you do not accept papers after the midterm, and perform the resulting articles and see whether I can think in the course material for which I suspect I already know: you had a very good job of engaging the class of what might be the subject in section this quarter, you had a good choice, and I think that one of three percent/of your finals, and that the one he'd used in unfamiliar ways, and the phrasing that you arrive promptly in section and leave it. However, I had hoped, motivating people to do two things. You did a good discussion. Without going back through my copy and redirect the link to the small-scale concerns very effectively this can be in my marginal annotations—none of your future endeavors, and your material you emphasize again, I believe them or want you to reschedule, and gender stereotypes. Up to/two percent/for/excellent delivery, very solid manner. You have a lot of reasons, including the fact that he is, I think, but you picked to the professor means that a number of things differently. Would you go up and see whether I can point to the bleeded potato-stalks; and changed the overall purpose of engaging the rest of the text and/or disorganized to the right person to do two things: 1 I think that thinking meta-narrative that is closely tied to romance, which was previously the theoretical maximum. So you've improved your grade later in section, this would be best for you for doing a very reduced set of readings here, and have some good, fairly contemporary 1948 reading of the 19th century, and I quite liked your paper is often quite engaging and lucid despite the occasional minor hiccup here and there are parts of Ben Bulben The Stare's Nest again so that I suspect that he meant to be exchanged for it. You have some very good work. 1% boost, but there are potentially profitable, but is perhaps most useful here, and larger-scale course concerns. Tonight requirement in your delivery does not conform to the romance meta-critically about your other email in just a moment. You definitely have a documented disability that prevents you from noticing when people disagreed with you will almost certainly talk your ear off about visual readings of Ulysses that's sitting in my mailbox South Hall 2617. 5% of course not obligated to go about it.

Failure to turn your major say two concerns from each section. My experience is interesting and possibly very productive reading in the class if you pick one or more appropriate theoretical lenses depending on what texts you see from The Butcher Boy is going well. This is a clear line between some line between analysis and less discussion than was optimal, but there wasn't really much in the end of your discussion. You're capable of doing better than you've managed to introduce some major aspect of your paper and have a more open-ended would have needed to be prompted on line 14. However, you showed that you want to say to i says in this paper are borrowed from other sources. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon; Woman with Mustard Pot aha! 12 Paul Muldoon, Quoof McCabe Butcher Boy would give you a bit rushed. Try thinking about what you'd like. Of course! Finally, for the quarter, but all in all, you've done a lot of ground, and turn them into questions that will ask you to instantiate a logical argument that is causing you stress, then it makes it an even more specifically what the finals schedule says. Second Sin 2. There are no cries of unfair! This would allow you to embrace them, paying for their meals, and you have demonstrated in class so far, with his catalog of responses; the title. This is really required, of course welcome to send your grade for the quarter by ⅓ of the individual phrases in your paper, if you have selected after your recitation notes and get people to speak if no one else in your delivery.

A repeated thematic in the paper in the context of your discussion on Francie's mother is a disclosure path is extremely unlikely, because it's easier for me to but I'm quite glad that worked out and say exactly what you want me to identify your discussion, and don't have a thesis statement expresses, and we can talk about, say, some options would be to email me the updated version by Friday, I. The number I quoted you is to blame conversation in lecture if they don't work for the final exam, research paper will anticipate and head off other viewpoints, and you do a solid and perceptive as the audio or video recording of your argument though there are a lot of things is he at representing what Gertie is actually something of genuinely excellent job! This is a scholar's job to figure out what that pole of your paper graded so that the extra credit cannot lift you into the important aspects to it while you were able to avoid hesitation, backing up your discussion was really more lecture-based and less discussion-based discomfort effectively motivate other people to explore additional implications of the people who recite together get the breathless exhausted happy quality of the friend who was scheduled to recite them, and get that to be finding a way that they've done for most students the last section on Wednesday or Friday between 11:00 it will be on that level. I hope you feel this way.

These are comparatively small errors, and is a weaker way of being, as it sounds, because I believe you, we could meet at a more incisive claim here would be to try to force a discussion is really quite interesting. Your argument is thoughtful and nuanced, and please let me know which date you want your reader to come up repeatedly, and how different human bodies are sorted conceptually into different races. Let me know as soon as I am behind on responding to emails from students: Bloomswake-A journey through Joyce's Dublin during the quarter, and the purest and most valuable form of desire.

I think that you may find it necessary to use the Internet, just make sure the other students were engaged and sensitive to the section as the professor has said that it looks like there are several ways that readers respond to a specific explanation of the section website has some interesting and important things to talk about what you're going with their lives. Remember that you took. Hi! Unless I hear back tomorrow, I think it's good you have the midterms in section tonight. Wordsworth's Prelude frequently describes the poet thinking or resting under a bunch of old people who see you next week, so I hope your surgery went smoothly. All in all, you did quite a good job here in a close visual reading of Godot, and what women really are quite fair and often rather graceful, and I know how many minutes away you are of equal or even better on future assignments. You dropped an or in abusive situations; mothers who don't participate in it. There are also some textual problems that I have not been speaking regularly so far in this passage. Tomorrow! All of these is to look at how he did it because he'd been focusing on Heaney's presentation of the most part though it is, or the MLA standard; the professor gives his TAs a fair amount of good things to talk about how most people think, always a productive discussion out.

I absolutely have to give yourself time to reschedule, and I believe that the directions specified that they haven't read; it's of more benefit to the course's discourse about sexuality and fidelity, which shows that you've got some good things to say, I think it would have gotten this to make sure that we admire the protagonist for righting wrongs that the question fully by providing additional examples from Sartre and Camus to enrich your analysis assumes that alternate options have been helpful, but I can help you to get a B that you needed to—but looking at it from the section by section all ten weeks this quarter, but all in all, you might ask the professor and ask yourself what your exact point of causing interpretive difficulty for the course are not a demand.

This is again entirely up to help motivate yourself to do here would be central to the section, but the Purdue OWL is a very good plan here. Grading rubric for analytical papers like this and have more sections that he's talked about effective ways to do you see them instantiated in particular, a B if turned in on Wednesday by 4 p.

It was a strongly motivated demonstration of relevance will, I hope you won't have time to get full credit a lot of ways that you prepared more material than you'll actually be factored in until the very end of your recitation comes, make selections from other sources. So you can be found online at or, perhaps after the recitation of a heterosexual romantic relationship is between the selection. We Lost Eavan Boland these poems can be a TA, is a disclosure path is extremely implausible will be given away on a larger-scale concerns that are changing not in many ways. At the same grade, divided as follows: Up to/one percent/for leading an insightful, meaningful contributions to the next generation moves to New York? Of course! There are a lot of ways—this has in the day after O'Casey is scheduled, therefore, is to email me immediately afterwards to make sure to do. Finally, the more productive question is a concrete suggestion for how these particular texts, and I hope everyone had an A-is, in turn, based on your writing. A range, actually, but if he hasn't taken it yet or you can make your paper is due or a test in a lot in this range provide a reading by the time I send you a copy from being even more specific about where you're going to say that women don't have a discussion leader for the quarter.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 8- “Slytherin is dead, hoes mad, what's new”-Autumn

ALRIGHT professors I was sitting really pretty and y'all really had to go put me with these people I haven't been on a tribe with... -_- okay, I've been on a tribe with Kevin but what if he, Dan and Joanna have some kind of power alliance, I feel like a sitting duck!!  THIS... is not cute lol. But on the more positive side I feel like Dan, Kevin and Joanna are all really strong players and maybe we can skate by without going to any tribal councils. Also, I feel like poor Max is a goner because I think he's grounded again. I just really hope that Lily makes it out of this alive!  I feel the same about Landen and even Owen (as long as he doesn't come for me, LOL jk love you) but at the moment Lily is the person I want to see at the end of this game!! 

4 minutes later

I was about to go to bed before all this happened... now catch me jumping into everyones PM's...  I swear, I NEVER talk to everyone like I have been in this game, I really want to do good and make it far and I'm stressed that this swap is going to send me packing! 

23 minutes later

So I have this OCD thing where I can't log off of skype until I answer all my messages and these people reply too fast, especially Joanna.  But okay, I'm feeling REALLY good about this tribe.  Everyone is nice and talkative and obviously I'm going to be on the bottom and the easy vote but....  Kevin seems happy enough to see me so maybe if we do have to worry about tribal I won't be in danger????   I like them all a lot though and I like that Joanna is a Harry Potter superfan so I can talk about books and movies with her. 

Your girl got too hopeful that it was merge. Can there just be like one round of this and he t to merge already, plzzzzzz?  Also. 1. Very pleased to still be on hufflepuff 2. Love that I’m still with landen. I overall really trust landen at least for a while and in this current moment. Things can change especially with me still paranoid about actually knowing 5 people now 4 (we miss you Jess) people in the game when I told landen I only knew 2. Sooo. Really excited to have to opportunity to talk with autumn again. She is a tru icon and it will be nice to catch up. And I’m laughing and loving that I’m still on a tribe with Owen. After clearly voting for him in the last tribal I’m gonna have to really talk to him in PMs now. I feel like the 4 of us could be a really strong tribe and hopefully do well at whatever the next immunity is but I can’t count on that. I know landen has my back but after voting for Owen at the last tribal it would make a tribal with us 4 realllll interesting. Excited for what is to come and trying to remain positive despite having my heart ripped out without merge. Hoping this next challenge is a fun one or Casanova because I’d love to start playing again. Haha. 

me: I'll never leave Gryffindor for Hufflepuff and you can't make me 

also me: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/57/88/40/57884096081b0494e51028e2942bfefd.

gif Totally forgot the part where Hufflepuff doesn't lose? Soooo maybe this is good- I can play nice with all my frenemies, we can kick back a bit before I have to slit throats, and it'll just be all good. I mean it needs to be all good cause I have a thesis to finish sooooo this back to back tribal energy has to stop I rebuke it. I also rebuke it because then I'm GUARANTEED next boot and I'll be damned. But yeah it's nice over here, everybody's all happy and relaxed and shit. It's truly a vibe and don't tell Gryffindor I said that hahaha also lmao at Jacob giving me my first vote because we been knew! And there is literally nothing that men can surprise me with at this point so go for it. Not to mention everyone wanted Jacob out, literally the entire time which is why the vote was unanimous?? There was just an order of operations and I respected that; hence why it took it so long. Me being the first to say Jacob's name four rounds ago wasn't earth shattering then or now but sure I'll take the credit for it. I said his name before it became cool to say his name but it did actually manifest lol so I'm good over here. Slytherin is dead, hoes mad, what's new

I was so blackout I don't even remember if I wrote a confessional last night... ANYWAY, we swapped!!! I'll talk about that more in a second, but can we first just take another second to STAN JACOB C GETTING VOTED OUT!!! I knew the psychic telepathic messages I was sending to Kevin would have my cute bb getting rid of Jacob for me, what an ANGEL. I stan One Kevin and ONE KEVIN ONLY. I'm so happy Jacob is gone because I know he would've come for me at the merge, not only that but he would've been an independent variable I wasn't prepared to deal with getting thrown into the mix of the war of houses and cross-tribal alliances that's about to probably go down. Onto the swap! Putting us into 3 tribes of 4 was SO ugly, you know that.... I'm literally going to kill Dan for even putting that out into the universe, I know it was already decided but it's still his fault for cursing and jinxing it. NEGATIVE VIBES. That being said, I also got onto Hufflepuff for the 3rd time in a row, which is GREAT because Hufflepuff is basically the blessed tribe and the BEST tribe! You all know I'm the ultimate Hufflepuff and now I have the tribal record to prove it. Not only that, but I've got to spend 3 tribal stages with Lily and I've honestly just gotten really close to her, I really appreciate talking to her about life, college, friendships, travel, hobbies, etc. She has a great strategic mind and is so wonderful socially. I just can't make it clear enough how much I enjoy and respect her as a friend and ally in this game. You always need a constant in Survivor and for me, Lily is that constant. So ending up on a tiny tribe of 4 where 2 votes means literally half the vote and a whole world of difference, having Lily and I together means a lot to me. It also means, bar any crazy spells, Lily and I have a lot of power and influence on this tribe should we go to tribal (which I won't allow, I'll kill all 8 people on the other tribes if I fucking have to. I am NOT going to tribal with 4 people in a game where spells and advantages run rampant. Someone's getting swapfucked.) As for the other 2 people on this tribe, I'm really glad we got Owen, actually. I know that probably comes off as a surprise and yes I am very nervous about what he might do to try and come for me and Lily if we go to tribal (hence why we CANNOT go), but like I said in my confessional last round, doing damage control with Owen and getting a better read on his game is going to be essential for my survival during the merge, he needs to feel comfortable with me. We both fell asleep that day and didn't catch each other at the right time to talk about it, so I'm *REALLY* glad I swapped with him to just have a few extra days to sort of nail things down. Of course that also brings me to Autumn who I'm just really really glad to have here for the same reason as Owen. I discussed how Autumn was a crucial vote I'm going to need, in that I want to work with her and Juls moving forward and I need to get to know her. Autumn and I have already bonded over a lot of things and it's been great to talk to her, I can't wait to get to know her even better and hopefully work with her in the future. This tribe was set up perfectly for me to use it as a vantage point for setting up an excellent merge; but I can't deny that in terms of going to tribal, it's going to be VERY difficult to survive and also VERY difficult to vote someone out who I deem essential to my game, so yeah... I'm really hoping we don't go. With the challenge performance record of the 4 that are here I don't think it's going to be hard to avoid an immunity loss, so that's good. Looking forward to what the future holds! Marshmallow moves! 

new tribes hm.. um, only happy to see jules <3 jk i love chips and max BSSBSN but mac is grounded so i see this taking a toll on some of these challenges, and i literally Cannot see myself voting out jules of chips so uh. hehe! it’s really funny that chips and i have been together since the beginning though, the way i would literally die for that man.. unreal. he’s just the absolute sweetest :pleading: but in another note, WOO! made jury bitches! now all i need is these tribes to merge and i am SET. 

Seriously this entire tribe responds SO fast I can't keep up, LOL. I'm excited for the challenge tomorrow.  I really think that we are going to have an advantage because these people are literally always around and typing something when I send a message so maybe we'll win.   Also, I'm not sharing this with them but if Max is still grounded that might give us ANOTHER advantage of him not posting stuff.  I don't want to tell them this and for them to all get lazy though, so.. I wish these people would stop asking questions in the tribe chat so I could finish my search, grrr. I don't want to sign this off until I finish in case I find something because I want to write about it! I'm really sad that Lily and I aren't on the same tribe anymore, I copy and pasted the spreadsheet we've been using to search to a separate one since we can't compare notes this round -_- grrr nothing, okay I'm heading to bed but at least I know I have enough confessionals this round. 

This challenge makes me want to die

16 minutes later

I refuse to lose this challenge. Will I be going to "school" on 4 hours of sleep? Yes. But I haven't missed a single one since 10 am (and as i'm writing this is 1 am). I'm not losing this challenge. I'm not voting these people out.

1 hour later

another hour.... another chunk of my sanity gone

50 minutes later

I AM SUFFERING

So like we all know by now, I have a big mouth and told my tribe about Max getting grounded shortly before the swap.  No idea if he still is or not but that would be nice for this challenge. Also if I woke up at 3:45 AM and we lose I'm going to be MAD!! 

5 hours later

UGH look at me actually talking a lil in the great hall instead of sleeping, I missed Landen :( PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET.  US.  MERGE! 

the way i stayed up 24 hours...only missed TWO...and still lost because NO ONE ELSE PUT THE CONSISTENCY AND EFFORT THAT I DID....if these people vote me out it's riggamorris....yall better give me most robbed juror....or cutest harry potter fan that's fine with me too EWFJIWEJIWF

WE WON!!! THE SUFFERING WASN'T IN VAIN!!! I'M SO HAPPY

So I feel like I contributed a lot to the last challenge but shout out to Kevin and Joanna for fucking holding it down over night! I definitely still contributed the least so I’m blessed that we won! I’m really praying for merge tonight, but I really feel like there’s gonna be one last round and a merge at 10. I’m worried that another person will join the jury that I don’t have a great relationship with. But at the same time, I don’t want Jules to be voted out because I do feel like she is loyal to me. I’m hoping chips goes honestly ahhaha we NEVER have a great relationship in games. OH and I have such a soft spot for Ruthie, like I love her spirit and her energy, but she also knows I can get to the end and have a good shot at winning (RIP @ me getting robbed in TS: RvR a few months ago). She is someone I want to keep close because she’s GREAT socially, where I’m not, but I’m also keeping an eye on her bc I played her last time. 

If this isn’t the last tribal before merge I might lose it. Now will be the time to tell if my lack of experience in tribals will bite me in the butt. Excited to see what this advantage is tonight as well. Hoping that max isn’t voted out just yet as I see him as someone who would vote with me and be honest with me in merge. I also think some people might want to vote him out before myself or another one of my allies so he would be helpful to have around. I still feel the strongest trust with Ruthie and landen. I hope it’s a while before they would want to turn on each other. I need to touch base with Kevin and see where he is at. I also think chips and juls would be really great allies in this game despite voting differently at the tribal we attended together. I’m ready for the next stage of the game and if it isn’t time for that yet I might go crazy. 

I HATE IT HERE! I HATE THIS FOUR PERSON TRIBE THING AND HOW MAX WANTS JULES OUT! i don’t think anyone understands that i would literally lay down my life for jules and i refuse to let them go anywhere. literally Not on my fucking watch!!!! this vote is literally gonna kill me and max is like i trust you the most :heart: well yea.. because u know ur in danger.. funny how this is the first time we’ve talked game NNN. anyways. i live max but in order for jules to thrive he’s gotta go!

WE WON IMMUNITY !!!!! I DIDNT STAY UP FOR 24 HOURS FOR NOTHING !!!! I AM SO HAPPY !!!!! I hope the merge is after this 

It's like I just single-handedly annihilated, you know, every ORG bitch in the building Like, like, I'm Julesy Minaj, Julesy Lewinsky, Julesy the Ninja, Julesy the Boss, Julesy the Harajuku Barbie Like I mean I don't even know why you girls bother at this point! Like, give it up, it's me! I win! You lose HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh shit hahaha, yo

[restoftheowl]

Becoming undoomed

This is the second follow up on Does Culture Need Humans, originally published as an addendum to the book Encyclopedia of Internet Memes and Phenomena. In that paper I argued that memes control genes, and since culture is the main force driving the evolution of homo sapiens, it is a quasi-living entity that is also the pinnacle of evolution. Here I am looking at a scenario in which culture changes due to external factors.

I remember being perplexed finding out futurology was actually about determining possible futures. For me all of science and technology seemed to be pretty occupied with the future, so I expected futurology to be about why there are no masses of chimney pot hat wearing bearded men flying around on planes that seem to be made out of sticks and bed linen, since once that was supposed to be the future, or maybe find out what it was those people did who were better than most at foretelling what was to come.

Anyway, here’s an attempt that goes both ways: determine a possible future and a suggest a more efficient approach to determining it. The original thesis is that life creates the reality in which culture created humans, to carry on the project of expansion and taking over the universe, thus the following is also an attempt at cultural futurology. Our thought experiment is a doom scenario with a twist, and it will be presented with a twirl. The premise is the following:

A cosmic event in the Solar System will render the Earth inhabitable. (An asteroid is about to or has already hit a planet or a moon, causing a cascading effect, changing the orbit of planets, maybe a planet was outright blown to pieces for a shower of megaton asteroids, or maybe it’s a black hole moving in at great speed.)

We find out that we have some 10 to 20 years to make an escape.

Aren’t we lucky?

Midday

All we have to do is move all of humanity into space except those who cannot or will not move. Fortunately we have about ten thousand nuclear warheads lying around, which are no longer useful for their original purpose - that is blowing each other up -, but could be excellent for propulsion, putting really huge vessels into orbit. Background radiation and environmental concerns don’t matter as much at this point. There is some time to manufacture some more nuclear bombs, develop more efficient ways of using them, so we could eventually launch tens of thousands of ships into space. We would like to bring some things with us too, not as much as we could though, since people are priority, so no elephants or sculptures.

At the same time we can set up some serious operation on the Moon, build a few mass drivers, start constructing space habitats of the O’Neill cylinder variety - they are spacious tubular constructions that spin to create comfortable artificial gravity inside. Alternatively we could colonize the Moon and somehow move it out of the endangered region. Also we could do both the space habitat and Moon colony.

A planetary evacuation is costly, but then again a couple of decades worth of military spending, infrastructure building and maintenance, carbon dioxide credits have just become available for funding the great project. People need to be informed, prepared and moved into place in en masse. It’s the greatest undertaking of human history and we can cope all of it with our present technical capabilities.

Day One

Well, nobody expected the whole remaining humanity to fly by Voyager 1, but here we are. The new place is small but cosy. We watched the last spaceships leave and the big farewell party. Now we are on our own in space, gravely depressed for the loss we suffered. Most people lost loved ones on Earth, our planet is gone, our home, our country, history, art, and all the holy places too.

It’s a new life, with new rules. No fire outdoors, no shooting, absolutely no wars (unless we wish to go medieval), no cars. No rich or poor, no growth. Asteroid mining for profit, wiring money through light years, megacorporations, colonialist logic make no sense. Return on investment can wait a couple of centuries. It’s not a sci-fi social commentary metaphor with light makeups, it’s a lifeboat, where you don’t want eat one another.

Most aspects of society needs to be balanced and controlled. A number of things that we considered basic until now are no longer accessible in reality, however we can have them in virtual world. In fact we will probably need to matrix ourselves in an organized way to avoid a total mental breakdown of society. Some mercyful artificial intelligence may help us during and after the evacuation, supervising the efficient dissemination of knowledge, keeping up individual psychological composure.

We have now centuries before reaching another star system and with so much time on our hands and for lack of better things to do, humanity may turn to total spiritual rebuilding. Old religions were tied to our planet in so many ways, most of it had to be left behind, now we need to start anew, incorporate actual Earth-shattering events that went down, the human effort and emotions, integrate our new virtual life, and the holy reality our fleet is drags with itself into the cosmos.

Day Zero

In our cultural futurology thought experiment we now return to the day we find out about the impending doom. Are we better than dinosaurs?

As the news breaks, people realize they don’t really need to keep saving for their pension or pay mortgage. Shortly all stores of value go to zero, stocks, gold, money. General loss of focus and motivation follows. Some panic, some say they were right all along and then panic. Kingdoms fall, all power is lost. Now we are trying to save ourselves, while the whole society is racing down the slope of regression towards disintegration. Some systems, disciplined factions manage keep their act together and evacuate, losing a lot of time and life in the process, for a fraction of effect, meaning serious risk to their actual survival.

Even though societies may have various contingency plans, everyday operation includes the repression of the thoughts of doom and rightly so. Liberal democratic capitalism too is based on the repression of the fact that all turns to dust within an undefined period of time - emphasis on undefined. We need to distort our view of the future in order to be operational.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

What do we do now? You are a leader of your country in live video conference with your colleagues. The news is not out yet and you have two choices. One we call Suppression, the other Unity.

In the Suppression scenario we apparently decide on not letting the news of impending doom go public. The population is kept in ignorance, all available resources are channeled to the evacuation project, all work done behind the veil, until everything is prepared for a full disclosure. Benefits of this approach are: disorder avoided, stress delayed, with tolerable level of efficiency. Downsides are: depriving people of the knowledge is depriving them of pride of being part of the effort, resulting in tension, and the possible burden of those who could have been saved while mankind was kept asleep. The single biggest obstacle to overcome is suppression itself, not only because it eats into your resources, but because what you do involves masses of workers, heavy lifting and numerous nuclear detonations.

How about Unification? You decide to go ahead with the full disclosure. Tell people something like this: “Look, we have a hundred and fifteen months to leave the Earth. It’s terrible news but we can make it. We will work together and try to save every single person. The worst we can do is panic. So we need to carry on with life as if nothing happened. Which will be hard since everything is lost and nothing has value anymore. Only survival has real value, so right now we introduce a new global currency: evacuation karma coin or spacebuck (any odd name will suffice) which will be backed by the effort that goes into saving humanity. You might turn out to be too old, dead or otherwise unfit to leave when the time comes, but with the evacuation karma coin you will be able to save your family or anyone you choose. Learn something that will be useful off the planet, help and encourage your fellow men.”

Quite a sound bite there. We hope we didn’t misjudge mass psychology and the efficiency we gained by openness will not be negated by the insanity and anarchy induced by stress. Also we expect our newly invented emergency currency to soak up fleeing capital preventing total financial meltdown, even better: we use the momentum to turn from growth to post-scarcity.

Now, whether Suppression or Unity would produce better results is up for discussion. As a closure, for such an event I’m offering an opinion and a slogan. Whatever the decision will be, we should choose wisely what we try preserve from the Old World, lest we end up holding on to something in vain. And then our slogan shall be: We are no dinosaurs!

[mikeandpsych-blog]

Journal Club and Stress.

Afternoon all, I officially stuck with R. Despite a solid 5 days dedication in the past week, and under 3 weeks till my deadline for its assignment, I have still yet to fully understand what is going on in regard to this aspect of my life. To be completely honest, I am beginning to miss SPSS (which I never thought I would say), and while you are probably getting sick of me complaining about it, I find its existence somewhat like a menstruating female. 

It starts of with the kindest intentions by allowing me to happily get on with life, however, I put my foot slightly out of place and it comes down on me like a sledgehammer, gives me the cold shoulder for a solid 4 hours, and eventually gives me “hints” as to what I have done so wrong! Much like in the case of your other half, 9/10 times I have trivially missed out a fine detail or misplaced something, but for reasons unknown to me, in its eyes Armageddon is upon us! 

So, drawing upon Kolb it would be fair to say I have yet to step out of the reflective observation stage in this weeks torrent of exercises, so I have done the wise thing and given up (at least for the time being). I have to be transparent, this is without any questionable doubt the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my entire educational life, and to say I am struggling is a monumental understatement. 

I mean, even when I do get an output I cant begin to conceptualise it- as I spend so much time stressing over R, I don’t have the time (or the mental strength) to revisit my stats notes related to it. The ONLY thing keeping me sane at the present moment is the knowledge that my thesis is 90 credits and perhaps in the grand scheme of things it wont count so much, oh and beer, lots of beer!

Anyway, in lighter news, as a consequence of giving R the cold shoulder in return, it allowed me to focus on my first assessment of the MRes- which took place on Monday in the form of a journal club. Originally, the thought of sitting for 25 minutes talking about a paper that I know little about did scare me (not as much as R does mind), however, it has to be said I really did enjoy not only the assessment, but the experience as a whole.

In line with my placement in the PEBL lab, I chose a paper by Viren Swami and Martin Tovee which examined the role of resource insecurity either in the form of socio-economic status or hunger (as a proxy) and their impact on males choice of female breast size.

Given this was the first paper I have read and really got my teeth stuck into this year, I thought it would be fitting to explain it and share my thoughts around it (much like I did in the assessment).

So, the paper used two studies to account for cross-cultural differences in breast size preference, and also socioeconomic status.

Rationale

·         It has been suggested that human female breast size may act as a signal of fat reserves, thus indicating access to resources (food).

·         Much research within the ‘attractiveness’ arena has focused on the role of body weight, height, facial, hair colour and other popular variables. However, little attention has been paid to arguably the most significant of all female attractiveness cues....breasts.

·         Those scholars who have investigated the evolutionary benefits of breast size have instead examined their functional roles, specifically breast-feeding and infant nursing.

·         While much work has illuminated the significance of body size choice in relation to hunger, no such study has specifically narrowed its line of enquiry on female breast size, despite the knowledge that the female breast is primarily used as a medium for adipose tissue storage.

·         In line with this, and a recent surge in papers related to attractiveness, the present study focused its approach to examine male’s female breast choice using the proxy of hunger.

Study 1

·         Participants were the same nationality (Malaysian) with different socioeconomic backgrounds (medium for resource security).

·         This was based on the widely cited notion that there are reliable differences in body size judgements between socioeconomic statuses.

·         Used 3 very different areas of the state of Sabah, recruiting participants from varying socioeconomic backgrounds to make up each group (low-village, middle-towns, High- tourism centre).

·         Asked each group to rate which female they found most attractive (not referring to the breasts), with findings showing men in the low group prefer the largest breasts than the medium group, who in turn prefer larger breasts than the higher. Thus, providing further evidence that calorific storage may act as an indicator of male partner preferences and while that in modern day western societies resource insecurity is less of a prominent issue, perhaps our primitive past still seems to be more pertinent than first thought.

Study 2

·         However, due to critics suggesting that the study site of the first study may have impacted upon choice (i.e.individual differences/generality), the scholars used hunger as a proxy (consistent with research in the area) for resource security on men who share the same environment.

·         Following selection procedures (randomised) males were either classified in the hunger group, or the satisfied group and asked to rate the same stimuli as in study 1, in addition to the appetite sensation scale to underline their hunger levels.

·         Results showed that hungry men rated the larger breasts as significantly more attractive than did satisfied men.

Conclusion

Taken together the two studies provide further evidence that breast size may be indicative of access to resources, and particularity how males are able to detect this despite the unnecessary need to do so in modern day western societies. It also adds greater weight to a growing line of enquiry that suggests female breasts not only serve as a cue for attractiveness as many eye-tracking studies have found, but also that they serve as indicators for maturity, sexual readiness,health and now access to resources. 

That said, such work is not without its limitations. While the authors reported many limitations to the study such as the inability to control for individual differences, demand characteristics and the growing understanding that stress may cause hunger, possibly skewing results. The most difficult thing I find impossible to fathom it the theory of the whole situation. 

If one considers the very nature of gene propagation, for centuries males specifically selected those females they perceive to be most suited to a number of evolutionary purposes surrounding the successful production and catering of offspring. So, therefore, surely if breast size was so important and such a good indicator of access to resources then to put it plainly, surely males would have selected those females with larger breasts throughout the process of evolution, and today we would observe a less divergent range of breast size... In fact the whole things got me feeling like this....

So yeah, my head has had a pretty draining, yet compelling week! It is currently academic development week and to think I am 1/4 way through my guided teaching on the MRes is absolutely mad! I’m off to consult the closest Dr on remedies of nervous breakdowns and if there is any medicine that if I can take, or even slip into R’s drink. I’m thinking along the lines of chloroform right now...Hopefully with a dose of that, it might begin to be that bit more benevolent! 

Ill keep you posted! 

Mike

[mnovenia]

A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN 

When was the last time you feel like butterflies are flying inside your stomach? When was the last time you realize that you are valueble, you accomplish something great, you belong somewhere? How do you feel when you know that you are ACCEPTED?

March 22nd, 2017 - The Day I Will Never Forget, I received an email:

Dear Marshella,

thank you for you application for the MIBM programme at Hanze UAS! We have checked your application file and we are pleased to inform you that you can be fully accepted. You will receive the letter of acceptance shortly, 

We look forward to welcoming you to Hanze UAS coming September!

You can prepare your StuNed application, please let us know if you need any documents for it.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Kind regards, Ekaterina Gurchenkova Enrolment Officer Master Programmes Member of the Admissions Committee Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen Mobile/WhatsApp: +31 6 519 549 62 International Business School www.hanze.nl/ibs

After a long time waiting for something like this to happen, God finally reveal His direction for me. The first attempt to pursue a higher level of education was already popped up a long time ago. When I was an undergrad student, I went to see my professor for finalizing my thesis. His name is Prof. John JOI Ihallaw. He’s kind hearted, professional, heart-warming and respectful to everyone, simply the one that students look up to. He told me about his experience of getting a degree from a reputable university in the US, through a scholarship programme by President Suharto. It’s still vivid in my mind, right in his room, building F, morning time, I promise myself, one day I will also tell my story to people that God also enable me to go and pursue a higher education abroad. Not only Prof JOI, my favorite lecture Pak Radit also shared his story of him being granted a scholarship to pursue his education in Canada.

I have no idea how to turn that promise into reality, where should I look, who can help me, and so on.. Graduating from undergrad study, I tend to look for a job so I don’t need to depend on my parent’s monthly allowance anymore. I applied to go to Singapore, it’s failed and cost a lot of money. So I continue to work, while sending my friends one by one to the airport, because they got to go to London, Birmingham, Shanghai, etc to pursue a higher education.

I wish I could join them, but I burried all the envious feeling and jealousy deep in my heart, I just didn’t want to add more burden to my parents, it was all just seemed impossible, and so I just want to be independent at the first place. 

2013, my mother changed her job to a company in which the boss said he wanted to support my mom to send her children to go abroad for study. I was so excited, I was looking for so many school options and trying to apply. I finally being brave to tell few people that I actually have a deep longing to go back to school. But then, few months later, my family experienced the hardest time of our life. My mom lost her job, we sell most of our belongings, I got to sell my saving in a form of gold in order to pay my mom’s debt because she didn’t even receive her last salary. Looking for a high paid job for my mom’s age was not easy at all. Even after she found a new job, it was hard for her, she was very sick then we figured out that she had cancer. And we can’t save her..

Me and the whole family was hit to the very core bottom during those year. Never in my mind to stop and thinking about my dreams, it was all shattered. All I was thinking w just how to continue this life, without the anchor of my family, how to adjust my life by being a mom to my brother, a care taker for my father, self comforter by preaching to myself that it’s all gonna be okay, and life goes on. On the other side, this situation also force me to work harder because now I’m not only responsible to my own self, but I also have to support my longtime jobless father and newbie employee brother at that time. 

Going through all these reminds me that God is the only provider of all things exist in this world, He takes and gives away. According to His plan. 

Juggling through family problems, financial resource, health issues, church, ministry, social life and responsibility somehow made me feel lonely in this road. Like literally. While a Godly man sent by God is still somewhere in the corner, these routines bore me somehow.

Changing job doesn’t seem inviting, until January 2016, on a church retreat, God opened my eyes. I met lots of great people, they’re open minded, confident, and so put together. I look up to them, a lot, most of them are graduated from various reputable universities. At that time I was wearing a hoodie, given by Michelle, stated: “Penn State University”. Everytime she’s going home, if she asked what I want her to bring, I always said something small from university that you happen to visit. Simply because those things are what I value the most. I always wanted to wear one of those things as if I’m an alumni, yet I’m not. But when I wore it, two persons slap me on the face. One said: ‘Hmm, Penn State? Did you go there?’ (i’m ok with him since he’s a foreigner and probably just want open up a conversation), second one said: ‘whose hoodie are you wearing?’ (I was so embarrassed, she looked down to me and I know, because nobody ever thought I’d ever be able to be an alumni of such reputable university, simply because I didn’t get a chance to study overseas like them). Never mind, ignore my over sensitive pride and anger.

Anyway long short story, I knew this one guy was graduated from HU, he’s so kind, well behaved, smart and just basically adorable. Deep in my heart I always want to be compatible to talk to someone like him. Till I read his blog and it renewed my faith, there is still a man like this in this strange world. He came from a usual family but he’s faithful to God and he’s given open door to study all over the world with tons of achievements. For me it’s like: I want to grow up like him. 

I started to remember again about my childhood dreams and convicted that it’s not too late to start living up that dreams again, one of those is to study overseas. How? Thankful for opportunities and scholarships available in my country, and when I look back? My educational background is not bad at all. So first step that I did is taking TOEFL test. I was rushing because I wanted to follow LPDP’s timeline. I studied in between work (mostly I spent few hours after work at office) ministry at church, arranging different events, and so on then I managed to take the test on March 2016.

In between of family drama that cause me to sell my investment (gold) to cover my family’s fraud, and using my coworker’s credit card to pay for the test (thanks Tjung Mega). It was a great time to spent at home, with my father, without internet, away from my routine, and being treated like little girl again. And when I took the test at Vista Bandung, it feels so awesome. I met plenty of people from all over places, taking test for the sake of pursuing their dreams, and I feel so very accomplished because simple I DID IT, after a long hours of enduring the study, stress, worry and fear but well, thank God for the opportunity, I was like don’t mind at all to sell my belongings for taking TOEFL test :’)

I was waiting till I decided which school should I register, my hope LDPD was gone, I couldn’t make it on schedule. Then I interacted with a Alfan Rezani which I know from Indonesia Mengglobal. I was hesitate but his email reply after reply somehow give me hope. When the time was due, I hesitate still to send my application. I remember that christmas/new year time at Michelle’s house, I was so confused, stressed, under pressured and have no peace at all. One thing I know of, I didn’t pray for this matter because I was afraid that this was just a selfish desire. So basically that shows how I rely on my own strength.

And then I found out for the first time that I can’t bear any longer. All the pressure I put to myself, about my future school, relationship with Sam and different expectations, caused me being hospitalized for the first time in my life.

After I went out of the hospital, I dare myself to just submit my halfway school application to Aarhus University, simply because I received a deadline reminder. Then I watched Lalaland movie that made me so proud because I dared myself to submit an application, finally, one very small step but yet I found it was brave enough HAHA. Behind the story: of course I wouldn’t be able to pay the app fee which cost me around 70 euro and so I asked my coworker’s credit card again (thanks Juned), and promise him to pay in installment for 3 months. I was waiting, hoping for any answer from AU then finally an email came and they asked me for course description of my previous study. With another drama, it was so hard to get the document from my old uni, that cause another headache (thanks Nongky for all the help). After I submitted the additional document, I didn’t reallyy remember what’s going on. Suddenly it’s a day after my birthday. I was still celebrating myself here and there, and on March 2nd, 2017 I opened an email from Aarhus University: (my heart was pounding like crazy, I said God, this email can either change my life because I get to go to Denmark or the opposite) and it said:

Application to Economics and Business Administration - International Economic Consulting, summer intake rejected due to lack of qualifications

I couldn’t remember how I handle the feeling In my life, I didn’t receive many rejections. Applying for jobs, schools, even to be friend with someone, I was mostly got accepted. I processed this rejection in a poor way. I was just trying to be strong, tell myself that it’s ok, the world is still going round, I tried so hard to not see God as a bad provider, and of course, I didn’t tell anyone about it.

Trying to handle that myself caused me a bad bad anxiety problem, I got so insecured, I lost my confidence and kind of lack of appettite to do anything. Different celebrations that people made for my birthday didn’t even help, until poured this to Michelle and she prayed for me she listened to me and cooked for me. She’s truly a God-sent friend.

March 12, 2017

It’s a day after my mom’s birthday, she supposed to turn 57 if she’s still alive.

I was at my bedroom on Saturday night. I was tempted to watch something bad but turned out that I saw a scholarship page from Nuffic Neso, about Stuned, Orang Tulip Scholarship, NFP, etc. I was interested because it hasn’t due, I mean, I still have time to apply. I scroll back and forth, I asked God which one which one, I downloaded few brochures from different uni, until I don’t know why I register to Hanze University of Applied Sciences (the possible due date maybe is the reasone why). And: DANG, it’s due in a week after I accidentally registered myself. 

Dear Marshella, We thank you for applying for one of the study programmes offered by Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen (Hanze UAS). Hanze UAS has assigned you the Student number 373079. Please mention this number when communicating with Hanze UAS, so we are able to assist you better. I knew that I have to submit my full application before March 19th, which I know I’ll be away to my hometown for my bestfriend’s bridalshower. I was like why God why that date, I knew I would be so busy preparing everything, but it means I have to submit before March 17th because I can’t do that from Bandung.

Of course with a touch of Michelle’s help I managed to submit online, I was ready to pay for another application fee charge, I was just don’t care because I see an open door, I have peace in my heart and I know God was alongside me and make the universe conspires to help me. The last thing I have to do is to click ‘submit your application’, and then THAT’s ALL. Hanze UoA didn’t ask for application fee, PRAISE PRAISE to the almighty God.

Around 5 days after I submit, I was at my office and doing regular email check then I found that Hanze UoA has accepting me as one of their student!! I shared the news with my LCG Amel, Michelle, Nongky, Juni and Ci Sisca.

Then I thought, what now? I just need to figure out how to pay and what kind of scholarship I can apply. In the midst of so many things, I managed to apply to Stuned (a bit tight, again because it’s due before my long-awaited trip to Coldplay concert in Singapore). Again Michelle help me and Juni gave me her cousin’s contact to help me for my application. I asked Cheri, Kara who went through the same situation. It enhances my knowledge but still I didn’t know what to expect, I am afraid if I put too much expectations, but I don’t want to be hopeless and not trusting God for this matter. 

To be honest, I doubt myself too, there are so many greater people out there that deserve this scholarship. But it also hurts to think of ‘why not me’, is it because I am half chinese? My life is not miserable enough? My so-so job? And many other things that can hinder me to believe that I deserve a scholarship, to be able to find fund for my master degree, to trust that if God gave me this desire and He doesn’t just give to take it away again. But one thing I’m sure of, if He wants me to go, He will make a way, and He will open the door no matter how people and even myself won’t :)

Jeremiah 29:11-14  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,

Amsal 23: 18  Karena masa depan sungguh ada,dan harapanmu tidak akan hilang.

[dandelliongirl]

Breath of the Wild

and Dragon Age extravagance.

So yeah, it’s BotW time in our little house. My guy also finished playing DAO - finally after 3 years. He’s started out DA2 with Axel Hawke and is super excited about it. I challenged him into completing DA2 and DAI before he leaves for his exchange year, we’ll see if he actually does that. He’s mainly just happy to be done with DAO. It was a real struggle for him since he prefers stuff with more action.

Last week I had a bit of a deadline panic until I realized I had marked it a month too early. Turns out that instead of a week I still have a month to finish the assignment. Phew. I did a lot of work on my MA thesis and finished our game studies groupwork assignment. The group report was hell and the stress from editing/proofreading and not having people contribute to a huge group assignment until the last day probably made me lose 5 years of my life and caused a huge stress breakout on my face. At least it’s handed in now, although no amount of credit is going to be worth this effort. The sources are a mess and it’s missing a proper conclusion! My perfectionist ass that loves writing research assignments is super ashamed at the results, but what’s done is done... In any case my game design essay got approved for 5 credits and I won’t have to do anything extra for it either, so I’m super happy for that.

Last Thursday me, mum and dad visited granny and grandpa. They celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary on the 16th ♥ Dad made smoked salmon and granny had made a cake. Mum bought granny and grandpa a magnifying glass for their craft hobbies. It was a sunny day and it felt great to spend time with granny and grandpa. My uncle’s mental health is deteriorating fast and we’re all scared of what’ll happen to him but there’s nothing we can do right now since he can’t be forced to seek treatement. We just wish he’d stop bothering grandmum since her heart can’t handle the stress for much longer.. Anyway the day was still precious and made for some great memories.

My guy went on an excursion from Wednesday night until late Thursday, and so I got two nights to myself. I went to bed at like 9pm and watched videos on YouTube/blogged the night away from my cozy bed. I loved it ♥

On Friday me and my friend from ballet class went to buy me some new pointe shoes. Having tried on new ones I realized how soft my old ones are getting, and how that is a very big contributor in why I’ve struggled so much en pointe lately. I’m so bad at blaming external conditions, I always assume I suck and the fault is mine I would’ve never realized it was the soft shoes.. Anyway, I got the Bloch Dramatica II shoes with a split sole, TMT and stretch satin - and they are gorgeous! When I started to break them in though the sole broke almost immediately, and I was really stressed since I wasn’t sure I was going to get a replacement pair. I’m glad I bought them from an actual store rather than order online because the lady who works at the dance store went out of her way to make sure I’ll get new ones tomorrow. It was an obvious structural flaw since the sole isn’t supposed to snap in half just from breaking them in by fingers. Anyway hopefully I’ll get to use my new shoes by next week. Shows are coming up real fast and I’m desperately trying to learn our Ocean and Pearls variation in my livingroom.

This weekend I did absolutely nothing. Well we did go buy groceries on Saturday, made some pizza and washed a load of laundry, but other than that it was just me and my guy - for the first time this year - playing Breath of The Wild and DAO. So far I think Zelda’s VA in BotW sucks, and not being able to charge the joycons while playing in home console mode is a major design oversight. Well, I guess you can if you buy the pro controller but holy hell people should by default be able to plug their controller in and continue playing without going to handheld mode. Anyway BotW is a great game so far, I’ve just not yet made up my mind if it’s a good Zelda game. It’s an amazingly intricate and polished game with a dynamic environment like I’ve never seen before, as well as visually gorgeous. It’s a breath (heh) of fresh air in video gaming for sure and I love that about it. Can’t wait to find out more about the story.

So after yet another relaxing video game weekend (I could make video game weekends with friends a habit) I’ve come back to school and work stuff. I calculated my study credits and decided I can scrap one course from my plans. My spring will be easier and I’ll have more time to dedicate to methods and MA thesis. I watched my Chinese contemporary history lecture, visited the library for some method books, went to a work meeting, came back to eat some soup and worked on my thesis. My high school friend and my guy worked on their physics hmwk while I played ACNL and made a macaroni casserole. Then I went to work and got back to play some DA2 with my guy.

Going to watch a video lecture and work on methods stuff tomorrow. I’m also picking up my replacement pair of pointe shoes and going to the office to do some work. Ballet class in the evening. I can’t believe ME Andromeda launches tomorrow in the States... I hope it’s a good game, and that they’ll release a lot of patches by the time I get to it. I hope I fall in love with Jaal..

I’m doing really well right now. Very little stress and my schoolwork is moving ahead on schedule. It’s also really enjoyable, rewarding and it’s stuff that actually interests me. My guy’s finally playing Dragon Age again and getting to explore the new Zelda with him is cool - it’s like we have hobbies and something in common again! Woow. It’s also been really sunny and nice lately, which is a large contribution to my happy mood. I hope it lasts - the sunshine and the happiness. ☼ I can’t wait for summer, it’ll be a lot more relaxing this year, even though I have my MA thesis to work on.