#also like i'm not sorry but we have bigger issues when it comes to fat acceptance than

[killbaned]

my hot take of the night is that considering he’s already fat to begin w and how many years he’s been the brunt of absolutely vile comments and fatphobia about how he’s ‘not hot’ anymore br*ndan fr*iser can wear as many fat suits as he wants

[archer-fb]

I promise to be there through thick and thin

Bakugou hurt/comfort fic

A/N - sorry guys if this is bad I haven't written in a while, but in a bad headspace so here we are

tw - please read the warnings <3 - suicidal thoughts, self-conscious, self-harm, negative thoughts, tons of crying, depression, self-hatred, body issues, self-doubt, the feeling of never being good enough/useless/hopeless, I think that's it? but please proceed with some caution. also established relationship with Bakugou

You don't know if this day can get any worse, you missed your alarm, you were late to class, you did horrible in training, and your grades were dropping.

"Y/n", Aizawa said, "your grades are slipping. I know you can do better, is there something happening with your home life? You know you can talk to me. Whatever is going on, try and get it together."

"Yes, sensei," you said. You bowed and left to head back to the dorms. It's been like this for the past month, no one really notices. It hurts. You don't know what to do anymore. You just feel so hopeless and useless, like you're doing enough for the people around you.

Once you reach the dorms Mina greets, "Hey Y/n! You want some of the soba the Todoroki made? I can warm you up-" You cut her off and say, "No thanks, I'm feeling really tired. I think I'm just gonna head to my room. You dashed to the elevator before you could say anything.

Bakugou saw you running to the elevator nearly in tears, he could tell you were breaking during your conversation with Pinky. He makes a mental note to check on you before he goes to bed.

By the time you get to your room you're already in tears and on the verge of breaking down. "Why can't I just be good enough!" you say to yourself. "Why am I so useless, I'm not doing nearly enough anymore. My grades are slipping, I'm on the verge of relapsing, and you can't do anything right!"

You stare at yourself in the mirror feeling disgusted with yourself, you say your thighs are too fat, you have a muffin top, you're fully of ugly acne, and think you'll never be as pretty as the other girls in your class. The more you look at yourself, the bigger the urge you're starting to get to cut yourself. You swore you would never go back to this, but you can't do it anymore.

You sit on the floor leaning against your bed crying so much, you found your old razor. It still has some dried blood on it from long ago. You look at your thighs seeing your old scars. You somehow start to cry even more as you start to make light cuts on your inner thighs, not enough to cause severe harm, but enough to bleed quite a bit.

Just as you're about to make another cut you hear Katsuki knocking on your door. "Sparks? You on there? You didn't eat dinner and came back late. Are you okay?" You stay silent, you then realize you forgot to lock your door, before you have the time to panic you hear Katsuki shout, "Y/n! I'm coming in there, I'm worried about you, Sparks."

He barges in seeing you on the floor crying as you cut your thighs, you break down even more as you start to see Katsuki tear up. "Y/n... Little Spark, what happened? Are you okay? Please talk to me," he says.

"I- I-it's so hard Katsuki, I can barely make it out of bed in the morning. My grades are slipping, I'm getting worse in a training, I look so ugly, and I'm not a good enough partner," you say through tears and hiccups.

He dashes over to you and holds you saying, "Little Spark, you're more than enough in my eyes, you're prettiest person I have ever laid eyes on. You are better than any partner I could hope for, you're so strong and smart, you are such a kind person always helping when you can. It's another reason I fell in love you, Y/n. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." As he says this he starts crying and petting your head and rocking you.

"Suki, I don't know if I can do this anymore, it's so hard and beginning to be too much. Everyday I'm hurting and dreading the next day, I feel like everyone would be better off if I was never hear," you say through broken sobs.

"Little Spark," he starts to say, "I know I speak for everyone in our class when I say we'd be miserable without you. You're always there for me and everyone else. I'm always here for you always, all of class 1a is."

"You mean that?" I say as I finally stop crying. "Of course I mean that, with my whole heart. And you already know I don't say things I don't mean," he says staring into my eyes like we're we're the only two people to exist.

"I'm sorry I'm like this, and I'm sorry I'm broken..." You saying staring at the floor. "Spark," he says grabbing your chin so you are looking at him, "You don't need to apologize for any of that, no matter what you're like I will always love you and be here for you. Now why don't we bandage you up and snuggle together.

You sigh and say, "Okay, I'd like that, I love you so much suki." I know you do Little Spark, I love you more though," with a big smirk plastered on his face.

after Katsuki helps you clean up and bandages up your thighs

While cuddling Katsuki starts saying, "I promise to be there through thick and thin for you, Little Spark. Forever and always." "You really mean that?" I say looking up at it. "Of course I mean I promise with my whole heart, he says staring back at you.

"Pinky promise?" you ask him.

"I pinky promise. Now sleep, Little Spark, I'll stay with you all night. You asleep in his arms with a smile on your face feeling so much better.

I hope you guys liked this! and if not I'm sorry <3 But thanks for reading everyone!

[my-name-is-bunnyfoxy]

EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP DOING WHAT YOUR DOING AND LOOK AT THESE GUYS!!!

Very unpopular opinion: To me, the gremlins in the show are honestly rather more playful then aggressive and feral and don't really match the meaning of the word Mogwai which means devil/demon in Cantonese. I'm sorry but I just don't see it. They more come off as a family that just rough houses a lot and stuff like wrestling, throwing hands and all that other stuff is just how they play. This honestly seems like something I'd beg my brother and dad that we do. If they didn't multiply via water then I'm sure they would be throwing each other in the water trying to drown them (in an affectionate way). Yes they do take it too far and do become a lot more aggressive but in general to me at least, they seem more playful. Again yeah they take it too far and they have definetely caused a ton of chaos which okay is a reasonable reason to wanna get rid of them.

Honestly I just love how the minute Snout's boys are spawned, they immediately just play with each other and toss and chase each other around. they feel more cute then monstrous if anything. Just my opinion tbh.

Also I love how when Snout gets wet Noggin and Claw genuinely look concerned and maybe a bit afraid. Also how the hell they able to hold Claw up with no issue, she's like bigger then all of them (not fat shaming people there's a difference)

[domoroks]

I'm sorry to bother you but I have to say I find Dib's treatment in the show/comics flat out uncomfortable a lot of the time. It feels like his whole role is to get treated like shit and fail at everything and it's not funny to me.

Also the opening of the comics pissed me off, it's basically mocking Dib for being fat and gross, I genuinely don't get why people praise it. There's also issue 5. It made me hate Gaz, it seems she never gets called out for her selfish and cruel behavior.

all in all the treatment for dib is ridiculous in my humble opinion. Of course- if you find it funny i’m not going to pull you apart for it, but his treatment does make me sad, mostly because there’s no bigger picture taken out of it for the show, movie or comics. Any younger children that might’ve been able to see the show, movie, or the comics might actually be bummed tf out because of there being no takeaway lesson- which also makes me sad LMAOO.

I see where you’re coming from!! it makes me upset too. The way all the characters are treated makes me so upset like on an emotional level- but that’s unfortunately how their universe works :((. not defending it or anything you know. Nick canceling the show really ruined any progress we would’ve / could’ve seen in the characters- and when they revived the movie and the comics came out you didn’t get to see much character development either- which- for me- a person who love’s character development- FINDS VERYY SAD. The creator states a couple of times though that the characters can’t really change- which upsets tf outa me. (that’s why my hcs are so heavy for Invader Zim actually.) ((it’s like parenting a thing you enjoy it’s genuinely insane.))

Gaz is mostly mean due to the fact her dad is never around- and Dib seems to be just too much for her. Also- the way her ‘mother’ (if they even ever had one) is never brought up. Though the way Gaz acts has always been pointed out ESPECIALLY by parents who viewed the show when it aired- they complained about her hate for her brother. Another instance of issues not getting to be solved with the time and creation of the show / comics- yet again sad. I’d also argue that the fandom played a big part in Jhonen’s dislike for his own creation. If you’ve known Invader Zim for long enough- the fandom is HORRIFYING. not to drag *it* in again but Zadr / humanxirken shippers tanked the fandom because it’s either a super toxic ship or literally p3d0ph1ll1a. (had to censor the word sorry.)

The fandom also has incest. which is disgusting beyond belief. I’ve only been a fan of the show for about 4 years now- but despite me posting my art for it, i don’t talk about it much with strangers because of it. All of the stuff that’s happened in the fandom drive Jhonen to literally end the comics with a groundhog day. I HATE GROUNDHOG DAYS. YOUR DISLIKE IS VERY JUSTIFIED!!

A bit of a tangent here but I have my whole AU with a more found family. Zim realizes his tallest dont care about him, Dib gets respected more, Gaz becomes a bit less harsh and Membrane fixes his fucking parenting issues. I understand Zim’s an old man but bro just joins the Membrane family and becomes a brother to Dib because he can. That’s just my coping mechanism for the show/movie/comics LMAO. like I said though your opinion is justified!! I don’t get to talk about it ever but the way every character’s treated and handled is honestly kinda sucky and maybe I just have high empathy and don’t like seeing others upset but i genuinely want the best for these little imaginary guys. I want them to be ok.

[mermaidsirennikita]

What do you think about Florence's upcoming projects? I've noticed film twitter complaining about her being in everything and....well yeah? That's what happens when you're one of the most in demand actresses at the moment. Anyaway DWD and The Wonder sound the most interesting to me. I'm dreading whatever Zach cooked up. And I want her in another horror movie.

I'm really over Film Twitter acting as if acting is this thing that's done specifically for them, and everyone should take turns so that they get a fair rotation. That's just now how it works, and it's not how it should work. The best actor for the role should get the role. I don't care if we've seen a lot of them lately. If a newbie is the best actor for a role, then the newbie should get the role.

Of course, we know this isn't how it works... Nepotism and the financial benefits of certain actors over others, along with nasty shit like racism, homophobia, etc play into these selections. Along with simple things like availability.

But I don't think it's reasonable to expect a production to choose someone new simply because it would be nice to have when there's someone just as good or better for the role who is also more established and bankable and proven to give good performances. I think the recent piece in either Vanity Fair or Variety interviewing Euphoria's casting director made this a bigger conversation piece--imo, she just shouldn't have mentioned it to avoid controversy, but she mentioned them nearly casting a true unknown who'd had life experiences similar to Rue's, but for multiple reasons including the fact that they were concerned that the stress of the role and attention may be bad for the actress in her recently-recovered life stage, Zendaya got the role. Cue everyone acting as if Zendaya is this princess who only got the role because she's famous, and how nice it would've been for an unknown to get the part.

In this specific case, the role of Rue and the subsequent media pressure would've very possibly been extremely detrimental to the unknown's recovery, so that takes first priority. But also--harsh truth? The role of Rue is a very mentally taxing role for an actor, this is a TV show, meaning that it has a fairly arduous shooting schedule that will go on over the course of years. You need reliability, you need professionalism, you need talent--that's Zendaya. And furthermore, Zendaya was on the brink of a major come up when she was cast, and the show would and did benefit from the controversy of it being her first major adult role in a big way. How is it reasonable to expect them to cast an unknown over Zendaya giving the best performance of her career thus far? These people do have to make money, sorry to say, and they actually... did still cast an unknown in a big role (Angus Cloud as Fez).

Florence is in a similar space to Zendaya, in that she's extremely talented, a lot of people like her, she's versatile, and she's reliable with minimal personal drama. To expect people to just dismiss her for an unknown because it would be nice... is ridiculous. This is not new. We are not suddenly seeing a cluster of actors be repeatedly cast. This is something Hollywood has always done, and eventually these actors will entire fallow periods either due to their own decisions to step back for a minute or due to career mistakes, and younger people will file up and take those spots. These actors will age out of playing 20-somethings and move into older roles.

Do I want more diversity in Hollywood? For sure. But that's a different issue, imo, because casting talented, bankable people is not the issue... It's that actors who are people of color or queer people or fat or disabled, etc, are often not given the opportunity to be bankable, whereas any young cis white actor on the streets with a decent face and reasonable connections has a much better chance.

I'd love to see her in more horror--I don't know that Ari Aster is productive enough to catch her in the near future, but I'd kill for them to reunite. The Wonder sounds super interesting--I love period piece thrillers. I think Zach Braff is super into navel gazing so even if I didn't find their relationship meh for her I wouldn't be excited about that. I'm extremely excited for Don't Worry Darling. I will probably be seeing that in theaters. It looks fun as hell.

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

TW ableism, body shaming, fatphobia, gaslighting mention, accusing someone of faking stuff and manipulation ///////////

I appreciate the post you made not too long ago about peoples disability being "enough" (idk if the quotes are correct to put, I put them there because all disabilities are valid and putting "disability" and "enough" in the same sentence isnt a gr8 thing Hdhdjhdkd)

But yeah, I need to get rid of my internalized ableism as well, it also comes from trauma and although I validate others disabilities no matter what, what I say about my own can reflect onto others, and I'd hate for that to effect (affect???) people.

I had a horrible friend group once who gaslit me into thinking i was faking my fibromyalgia for attention/using it as an excuse to be lazy and fat (I'm very much fat but LOL fuck them.) Or using my brain fog and pain as an excuse to be a shitty person and such. I developed a horrible case of imposter syndrome bc I believe it all, it sucks. I feel like a manipulative, compulsive liar that only uses people and that my disability really is made up and all in my head (they especially say that about fibromyalgia) and they said I'm just obsolete and that's why I'm in pain.

It's strange because, why would you make me feel bad about being obese if I was obese? Why is being big so frowned upon?? Why is it that thin people get cared for WAY more easily compared to bigger people who are suffering? (But btw, to clarify, body shaming is horrible, and I'm not denying that thin people suffer too, I hate that society is horrid towards anyone)

SORRY JUST RAMBLING TO YOU ALL HOPE YOU DONT MIND I JUST FELT VALIDATED BY THAT AND I APPRECIATE IT.

Correct me on anything I've said please!

(Agreeing with you)

It's really dumb because fatphobia is rooted in being unhealthy. The whole idea behind being an ass to fat people is because "it's unhealthy".

The fact that fat isn't an indicator of health aside.

They're literally putting someone's value in their health.

They're literally looking at fat people and saying "you have less value because you're unhealthy".

What are us disabled people supposed to say/ think when we see this fatphobic society pointing at fat people and calling them less than because they're unhealthy?

Not to mention, a lot of people are fat because of their disability, but the opposite is also true. A lot of disabled people are skinny because of their disability. At my worst I couldn't hold down food for days on end because of my migraines. DAYS without eating. I wasn't just skinny, I was hella out of shape because I couldn't exercise because I couldn't move because I couldn't eat.

I'm not trying to compare my experience to yours. Obviously fat disabled people get more shit from doctors and society because they're fat.

But since the vomiting was the worst symptom for my, I felt like ignoring my weight because I was skinny was equivalent to ignoring the worst part about my disability.

I also just feel gaslit by society because everyone calls migraines a headache disorder, when it's a neurological disorder where headaches aren't even the most common or the most severe symptom. A lot of my internalized abelism was people calling migraines "just a headache" and it took me years to realize and accept that the headache wasn't even the worst part. Depending on the severity, I could deal with just the headache. The WORST part is the vomiting, vertigo, and the fatigue for days after.

One migraine was so bad I had a bruise down my back for 2 weeks after because I fell on my desk trying to get my meds, and I ended up crawling to my meds.

(That doesn't include the memory issues because that's a whole nother post.)

-fae

[barnesbabee]

reading your post kinda triggered me in a way bc i’m at the biggest, heaviest i’ve ever been and struggling to accept how i now look when i was a slim and healthy 112lbs for a long time but also i was still in my teens then and now i’m 23… i have people tell me that because i’m a woman now my body will change and that bc i’m of mixed heritage i will also inherit genetic traits from my black side like having curves, a ‘fuller figure’, bigger butt… but i don’t really know what that means or how to interpret that when people say those things to me… am i supposed to accept the weight gain? is this how my body is supposed to look then? sorry for going on a rant, but i know that my weight gain didn’t come from nowhere, it came from being stuck mostly indoors for two years, depressed and feeding my sadness away because i love food, working and living from my in bed most days and from not being able to live my normal routine. where i would otherwise be more active and on my feet. but going on from your opinion of that tess holiday, i don’t know much about her but i know of her, and yeah it’s hard when i see bigger women promoting body positivity and doing those ‘what i eat in a day videos’ filled with unhealthy foods. and not stopping to think before they post about whether what they are doing is actually damaging to people that are suffering with ED’s and weight issues, i’m pretty sure i have been binge eating and it’s so unmotivating to try and get healthy, lose some weight, get more fit when i see overweight women like myself basically saying to accept myself and love myself how i am, and to eat “intuitively”, eat those sweets, fast food and be happy… without realising how harmful that can be and it’s not actually healthy positive messages. i just feel like some people profit off of their fatness by putting fake body positivity BS which other fat people love because it makes them feel better about themselves when really they may actually be a lot healthier and happier if they made lifestyle changes, changed their diets, did some exercise, bettered their mental health etc. this probably sounds like i hate fat people but I AM a fat person.

First of all I hope you're doing alright, if you ever need to talk my ask box and DMs are always open

The genetics part might be true, I'm Portuguese and we 'traditionally' have really large hips and most my friends have it but not everyone does, but it does not mean that because of genetics the weight gain is guaranteed, that is something you can (and should) control. The weight conversation is always awkward and uncomfortable because no one likes to have it but it's something we actively need to talk about, because obesity is becoming more common and with people normalising it and pretending its OK its very wrong.

And on your second point, that's EXACTLY what I meant! It's been normalised to just accept unhealthy lifestyles just because you 'do you' or bc you're 'beautiful the way you are' and while the last one might be true, people are much prettier out of the coffin. I don't thinkost of these influencers realize they're giving people mixed feelings about health, because it seems like a scapegoat to allow themselves to eat more, cause 'my body is beautiful anyways' and if anyone dares comment otherwise they're fatphobic. It doesn't work like that, these people are UNHEALTHY. They're giving their own bodies severe problems and risking their lives on a daily basis simply because they don't want to admit that there IS something wrong with being morbidly obese, and it has nothing to do with aesthetic, but with health. People are so obsessed with making statements and with making sure big bodies end up in magazine covers that they don't understand how destructive it can be to young girls who might be going down an unhealthy path.

And absolutely people benefit over being overweight, just look at nikocado avocado 💀 a whole mess

In the end of the day its your choice, and being healthy means you have to do sacrifices. Fit people and healthy people work hard for the life they have, and if you feel like you're unhealthy and you're diet isn't okay, then it's up to you to change it. It's not easy, but in my experience it's much easier to cut all off at once, than to just do it slowly. If you try dieting for one week and going on a walk every day, you'll see a difference in that week, I promise. Its not about aesthetic, it's about health

[demigodsanswer]

Girl, I'm sorry to bother you and sound like all these white people blowing up people's ask boxs... But! There's tea about the "gods have no DNA" or is that just apart of the "rick being a little bitch about brown eyes"? And... I need, I crave it, more Chrisse- NO, more, Ares siblings- Ares sisters. I forgot her name but the feminine one, them hanging out doing girly shit, shit talking their brothers. After "Not just a daughter"- I forgot the name sorry, but its like crack top me. xoxo, love ya

There is tea on the DNA thing. I know there are other posts out there about it, but here’s my understanding of it: 

The DNA thing started in The Last Olympian as a throw-away line to explain why characters could date each other, even though all the gods were related. I think this was something the 10-14 year olds weren’t meant to think very hard about and move on. 

Problem with that is: that doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make sense from a biological stand point - if Poseidon didn’t have DNA, Percy should be a genetic clone of Sally. Now, while there’s a lot of fantastic trans Percy potential in there, we already see that, obviously, Percy isn’t a genetic clone of Sally. Not only does he have godly powers, he also has Poseidon’s green eyes and black hair.  

So, maybe this was just Percy being an unreliable narrator and either no understanding how godly DNA works, or dumbing it down for his readers. 

However, beyond the sheer dumb-assery of that comment, we the issue of godly genes play out throughout the series in the features they give demigods. That is, they tend to give demigods Eurocentric features. Percy’s green eyes and Annabeth’s blonde hair and grey eyes are Eurocentric, white features that are described as beautiful, unique, and godly.  

This becomes a bigger problem in The Heroes of Olympus series with Piper and Hazel, who are the first demigods to be described as mixed raced (I don’t actually remember if Hazel is described as being half-black, but I know Piper was described as being half-Native American.) And it seems as though that Piper’s classmates can tell she is mixed raced. This not only gets into issues of blood quantums (which I am not equipped to talk about), but it also raises a question, again, of godly DNA. Do they have DNA or not? 

Is it possible that Piper’s dad remembered Aphrodite as a white woman and told Piper that? Sure, but there’s still the issue of other people identifying her as half white without her telling people. Annabeth is never described as half Swedish and half Greek, so why is Piper? 

And if you think that “oh maybe it’s just because Piper is half Native American half white whereas Annabeth is all white,” I would push back and point out that the thing white people love more than making casseroles and clapping when the airplane lands, is telling you what breed of white we are. If Annabeth identified as half Greek (as in from the nation of Greece) and not half Greek God (which is what she actually is), she’d probably tell people constantly. 

And this all comes back to the eye color thing, because Piper and Hazel are given unnatural eye colors, which exoticized them, but they are also given lighter, non-brown eye colors. Couple this with the fact that they are both described as mixed raced when no other characters ID as half Greek/Italian, you’ve got young girls of color, who have been exoticized, given lighter features, presumably have lighter skin because they are mixed raced, and Hazel specifically is also described as having lighter colored hair. These are all issues of colorism and exoticizing young girls of color, particularly young black and Native girls. 

So do the gods have DNA? No, when Rick wants his characters to kiss without the audience feeling weird about it. But yes, when he wants to make characters of color seem whiter.

That’s my understanding of the DNA issue. 

My post about the brown eyes was coming from this place, but also generally from the realization that the only characters described as having brown eyes are the characters described as being ugly, creepy, annoying, or otherwise unattractive (unattractive as described by the narrator eg. Percy describing Clarisse as unattractive because she’s masculine&fat). These characters include Clarisse, Frank, Nico, and Leo. Or characters who are told they’ll never find love or have otherwise forsaken it: Reyna, Bianca, Zoe. Or Drew Tanaka, who is a whole mess of a character, and we don’t need to get into that. Can we assume that characters like Beckendorf had brown eyes? Sure, but, uh, he does get blown up. 

Tl;dr: Rick’s comment about the gods not having DNA was likely a throw away line meant to fend off middle school nit pickers, but he has since contradicted it in such a dramatic and racist way that it can’t be ignored in the way it was meant to be. Also brown eyes are beautiful. Let Piper and Hazel have brown eyes. 

Lastly, to your other part of the question. I don’t think that’s an actual RR character, I think that’s @novemberwasgrey‘s OC, so I’m gonna bounce you over to her blog. 

[locoluis]

Pam's visit to the doctor

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. I have no medical knowledge, so the following is all artistic licence and stuff taken from the web. Please consult a proper medical professional if you experience any of the symptoms described below. Oh, and sorry for the sloppy writing.

It has been from bad to worse during the last weeks. I don't like summer, I get way too sweaty and dehydrated. I get sunburned easily. I am self conscious about my body and will need to wear less than the normal amount of clothing I usually enjoy wearing, which attracts the stares of people who look like they haven't seen a girl with more than a B cup in their entire lives.

Like they never get out of this town.

I like going to the city, even though the climate is warmer there than up here in the hills, because nobody bats an eye about my appearance there, or at least not that much. The city centre is a couple hours away by bus. Only a few, elderly people are joining me in this trip I absolutely need to carry out.

The local paediatricians are as useless as the painkillers they prescribe. One of them said: “ At this point, you should consider going to an adult's doctor. ” Madam, I'm only twelve, and you're supposed to be able to take care of people through their late teens. Don't come at me with such rubbish.

Then my PE teacher recommended me this children's hospital in the city, and I got an appointment. I got so stressed during the bus trip that the box of chocolates that I brought with me didn't last long enough. I hope this isn't as bad as it feels.

Even though this is the second time I've seen this particular lady, I immediately recognised her. Shorter than me, dangerously skinny, with a childish face despite being in her mid-thirties, and a brunette ponytail of ridiculous length.

— Pamela Evans. I remember you.

— Dr. Eliana Martínez. You were the lady who awarded me the gold medal at the swimming competition a few months ago.

— Indeed. That was… a random, unusual philanthropic gesture from me. I must confess that your victory caught me by surprise, as you looked like you didn't even want to participate.

— Well, Mum taught me to swim at an early age, and she really wanted me to participate. But I hate PE with a passion, and it was really embarrassing for me to be in a swimsuit with all those people around. You can guess why.

— Yeah, I can relate, having been pregnant once. Never again.

I couldn't quite hide my amazement. How does such a twiggy lady manage to have a child growing inside such a tiny belly?

— Indeed, I have a daughter. Her name is Violeta, and she will soon be bigger than me. I carried my baby through full term, with no complications, shattering all expectations. I guess I'm a woman after all, ha ha ha. But enough about me; please tell me what brings you here.

I took a long breath.

— Doctor, during the last few weeks it's been difficult for me to concentrate in class, to get asleep, to get enough rest. I sweat way too much. I feel a lot of anxiety, even to the point of paranoia. Sometimes I feel my heart beating too hard and too fast. Sometimes I feel a burning sensation in my chest. And I've been putting on quite some weight, though I'm not sure how much of that is just going through puberty.

— Well, body changes are normal through puberty, and girls grow and develop at different rates.

— I'm aware of that. All my classmates still look like children. I'm the only one with the shape of a grown-up woman at twelve.

— About that. When I was twelve, it was the exact opposite. The other girls were all grown up, while I still look like a ten years old.

— Well, you sure are tiny, even compared to my classmates.

— Yeah, yeah. Now that I think about it, you look a lot like one of mine. Blue eyes, a different hairstyle and nose shape, a slimmer waist, but otherwise she was a dead ringer for you.

— Even her breast size?

— Indeed. She was curvy and gorgeous, and all the boys were crazy for her, but she only had eyes for one boy… who just wasn't ready for a relationship. And it made me cringe that she didn't seem to feel pretty enough, that she wore more make-up than was necessary, plus her dangerously short, tight-fit school pinafore dress… she looked ridiculous.

— Oh, I have some classmates who are like that. Not me, though; I already get way too much attention without doing anything with my looks.

— Well, you seem more like the forbidden snack type, which ironically is more attractive for some men than the overly sexy type.

— … Ach-y-fi.

— … Excuse me? I'm not a native English speaker, and that's a word I haven't heard before.

— Oh, that's a local expression of disgust. Like, it seems like I can't avoid the male gaze.

— That's their problem, Miss Evans, not yours. Don't make it your problem. I've got nothing here, yet men still stare.

— Well, your body type is even more unusual…

— I know. But you have to excuse me, this is getting way off-topic. I don't usually talk to my patients about my own childhood, and I'm talking to you like we knew each other from long ago.

— Well, I don't mind. Yours seems to have been an interesting childhood.

— Indeed, but that's not why you're here. So let me get through this. Most of the issues that you describe are not necessarily associated with puberty, and no sign of pain or discomfort is worth getting glossed over. First of all, please stand on the scale to get your height and weight measured.

I do. To no surprise, I'm overweight. She also checked my heart rate and blood pressure.

— Now, tell me. Tea, coffee, carbonated drinks. How much do you drink each day?

— Not much, actually. I drink a couple cups of tea each day. Unlike the rest of my family, who just can't get enough of it. And they drink green tea, which tastes horrible to me.

— Hmm. What about chocolate?

She stopped talking when she noticed the sheer expression of horror in my face.

— What? Did I hit a nerve, Miss Evans? Please tell me how much do you eat everyday. Answer truthfully.

I started crying uncontrollably. She patiently bears with me through this.

— … Doctor. I have a lot of admirers. Every day I get several boxes of chocolate in the mail. And I can't control myself.

— Well, chocolates have a high calorie count due to their sugar and fat content. And the symptoms you've been experiences are consistent with an excessive chocolate intake.

— And now you're telling me that I have to eat less chocolates. As if my life wasn't horrible enough.

— Well, at least you don't have acne… yet.

— ACNE!? Oh my God! I need to stop eating chocolates right now!

— Well, acne is more of an issue with eating lots of carbohydrates and dairy products, and there's no consensus about the link between acne and chocolate consumption. But I still advise you to reduce the amount of chocolate you eat everyday.

— I understand.

— To prevent acne, you should eat more fruits, vegetables and fish. Drinking green tea is also good against acne, and it has many more health benefits. It contains caffeine, so it too must be consumed in moderation.

— Green tea. As I said, I don't like it.

— Add lemon juice and stevia to it. There are many types of green tea, you just have to find which one is better tasting for you. And brewing it correctly is quite important in order to get it just right, not too bitter or watery.

— Well, thank you.

— I'll prescribe you some medication in order to treat the symptoms you've mentioned. But you should follow my instructions in order to attack their root cause. Stop eating so many chocolates, and come back in a month or so, in order to check your progress. I most likely won't be around, as I travel a lot and I'm currently on a temporary contract, but Dr. Spencer is an experienced paediatrician who will be able to take your case.

— I'll do. Oh, and I have a last question. Do you think I should get a breast reduction? And how do I get it on the NHS?

— Well, first of all, I don't think it's advisable to get one while you're still developing, except in extreme cases of breast hypertrophy. Second, you should get down to a stable weight, and get an assessment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. Third, as there are many women seeking to get breast reduction surgery on the NHS, the waiting list can be up to several years, and a lot of women are being turned down as not meeting their criteria. Also, private treatment is quite expensive. And… would you like me to measure you?

— Yeah, sure.

Her procedure for measuring my breast size is a bit more complicated than what I knew. She then puts the measurements on a spreadsheet, which gets her a bunch of numbers.

— Wearing a good-fitting bra can alleviate many of the issues associated with large breasts. Also, I'm recommending you some exercises that can strengthen your core muscles, and some tips to improve your posture. But I wouldn't advise a breast reduction surgery on someone like you, as its risks and consequences certainly outweigh the possible benefits. They're not that big, actually; you just have a delicate body frame. Your ideal weight is lower than that of other girls of your age and height.

— I understand.

I need to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stop feeling like this. Mum is going to stare me down and tell me: “ I told you, Pam ”. And then I'm asking her what we should do with so all those chocolates.

[jeshikawa]

Hi there! I love your blog! I'm an aspiring jet (hopefully to be accepted in April), and I have some body image issues. (I'm not fat, but I have some tummy) I have no idea what you look like, but you seem really nice, so I was wondering if you had any tips or useful anecdotes based on what you've heard from other JETs or your own experiences if relevant.

Hey! First, good luck!

As for your question… I think I can relate. I’m not fat but I have a little weight in places like my stomach and thighs. I’m pretty confident for the most part but getting to this point was a process of acceptance of myself and disregard for others.

I have a few personal experiences and I’ll mention those and how I dealt with them. This is going to be super tldr

1. Free-size. A lot of clothes stores don’t actually sell clothes in multiple sizes. Instead, they have something called “free-size” meaning it should, in theory, fit everyone. And I’m going to tell you 90% of the time this is pure bullshit and that’s only because I’ve been lucky so maybe I’m generous. When Japanese companies design these clothes, they work with Japanese beauty standards in mind. They aren’t design to accommodate the body sizes the same way some places do. You might find that a lot of free size clothes just won’t fit because they’re too small. I came to Japan understanding the beauty standards would be different here but this still got to me after awhile. There’s nothing like trying to update your wardrobe and going to store after store and seeing all of the clothes just won’t fit. After awhile, I just started to feel like an awkward giant.

But you know what? This isn’t just a me problem and it isn’t even a non-Japanese problem. A lot of Japanese people have the exact same problem!!! Men and women will find themselves too big or even *too slim* to fit into some of these brands that only cater to *a very limited range of sizes*. The beauty standard is fucked up in Japan and the fashion industry caters to it. It won’t change for awhile because businesses will always try to find ways to make more for less and by catering to a smaller size, they save money on production time and materials. I’m not the only one having a hard time.

2. There are some clothes companies that are better about sizes like UNIQLO and H&M. There are other import chains like Gap and Old Navy in some places. I’ve had much more luck in these places but it doesn’t change the fact I have limited options. Sometimes you just get tired of going to the same store and having the same style. Sometimes you get tired of looking like a mannequin at one of these stores 24/7. Also, even if these companies have better options, they’re still selling things with Japanese people in mind so you’ll find that clothes can still run on the smaller size. There are more options out there like plus size stores and just smaller, local places that are just better about size. You might have to ask around and do some research about what’s out there for you.

3. And like you know when stores near you suck, you still have online shopping. Go measure yourself and head to Amazon or see if your favorite brands ship internationally. This has honestly my biggest thing here because I can get clothes I want and keep up with my own style.

4. Like I said, Japanese beauty standards are fucked up. It’s not just Japan! Beauty standards all over the world are messed up. When you come to Japan, don’t hold yourself to those same standards. Nothing you do is going to suddenly make you shorter or your feet shrink. Maybe you can lose some weight (I lost a bit) but be realistic and responsible! Don’t try to make yourself fit into a box you literally can’t fit into.

I’ve had a few experiences with this. I’m very lucky to be associated with some pretty cool people at work and socially. I’m a different size. They see that and don’t hold me to the same standards. To them, it’s normal if I’m taller and a little bigger. Not everyone is lucky enough to be surrounded by decent people and I’ve met people who *have* called me fat.

I’ve met a few people who have straight up called me fat. Here’s something to keep in mind here: it’s shitty and not ok but a lot of people *think* it’s ok. To them, they’re just ~looking out for you~. I’ve never met anyone mean but I have met some well intentioned dumbos. But bad things can come from good intentions. It’s weird to explain but the people who say this shit to me remind me of my korean relatives who say things like “you’ve gotten so *big*” and touch my stomach. Or of my mom who straight up calls me fat sometimes and tells me to lose weight. :/ I’ve never met anyone who’s called me fat/etc to make me feel bad here. It was always just unwanted and rude concern or really shit ways to make small talk. Depending on the person or whatever, I just laugh and don’t care but one time I took a moment to explain that hurt my feelings and that person was sorry.

The one time I really got grief over my weight was during my health check. I’m about 5’4 (~162cm) and weight about 150lbs (68kg). Purely on paper based on BMI or whatever, I’m a little overweight by US standards. But there are SO MANY factors to keep in mind here. I weighed the exact same in high school and was *shook* at my physical but my doctor told me a big part of it at the time was because I was working out a lot and all of the muscle in my (long) legs was pushing my weight up. I don’t work out as much anymore but I’ve grown and have kept the exact same weight give or take a few pounds depending on the season. There are things like lifestyle and body shape and weight distribution and even your native diet and your country of origin in mind………………. and my japanese healthcheck didn’t account for any of that. I was told I was just obese and needed to change my lifestyle and everything completely. My supervisor had to be with me for the appointment and that was *embarrassing*. I managed to get my points across and conceded I could make some diet changes and work out more but I disagreed with the doctors diagnosis. We ended up meeting half way but 😕😕😕😕I sure left that check up feeling like a whale. My supervisor told me I had nothing to worry about bc cultural differences and stuff but 😕

This ended up being super long but I guess the tldr here is… don’t stress too much. If you’re like me, you probably will end up stressing regardless so go ahead and do you. But just understand the culture is different here, some things can’t be changed, beauty is fucked in, and some people are dumb.  As a foreigner living in japan, we can have tons of experiences and I hope you and everyone can have more good ones than bad. But at the end of the day, we’re different and in some ways, were just aren’t going to fit in… sometimes literally.

[inktae]

You made me super curious about that veganism essay, if you ever feel like sharing, I'd really appreciate it (no pressure though!). I gave up dairy recently because it gave me almost daily headaches and I'm considering going fully vegan (I never really ate a lot of meat to begin with), but I find it really hard to make up my mind. I feel like a lot of the information out there is very us-centric too and doesn't really apply to me, so I'd love to hear a more European/international approach ^^

I did end up translating it, so here you go! :)

a few things I need to point out: I wrote this for a middle school student, so I didn’t delve too much into scientific facts — so please take everything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research if you’re curious, because these are things I learned after reading a lot of studies from certified nutritionists and medical researches.

I also most likely got a little preachy at times (sorry) but please remember that I’m not judging anyone because that is never my intention. I wrote this while keeping in mind that this girl needed it for a school debate where she needed to try and convince people of veganism, which is exactly what I tried to do. ^^” if you are still curious after reading and want to know what kind of documentaries to watch, let me know and I’ll be happy to lead you in that direction.

There are plenty of reasons to approach veganism, or to at least adopt some of the vegan principles into your everyday life; but the most important ones are health, the industry and the planet, and ethics.

Although a healthy diet does not necessarily need to be vegan, a plant based diet can be very beneficial for your body, especially for people with certain chronic diseases, deficiencies or to simply improve your overall health. It has been long since proved that nutrition is tightly linked to the reduction of particular symptoms and the improvement of the quality of life, and a plant based diet definitely carries these benefits. Personally speaking, veganism got rid of my migraines and stabilized my (otherwise disastrous) hormonal situation. It is also proved by nutritionists that a balanced vegan diet, based in real and varied foods, can cover almost every deficiency (except B12, which I will talk about in a second).

One of the myths that worry non vegans the most is the supposed lack of proteins in a plant based diet. This does not suppose any issue at all, as plant based foods are abundant in proteins and it is quite easy to reach the necessary daily intake as long as the diet is varied. A great example are grains — chickpeas, beans, lentils (these in particular are not considered complete proteins as they don’t carry all the amino-acids, but they can easily be completed by including another food that has said amino-acid into your diet, like rice, for example), tofu, tempeh, soy, etc. Plant based proteins are even of higher quality than animal based.

When it comes to supplementation, the only one that is absolutely necessary is B12. This vitamin comes from a bacteria which animals obtain from the ground and the food they’re fed (animals do not have the ability to manufacture vitamin B12), and we would obtain it if we did not wash our vegetables (which we obviously have to do), so it is not necessarily a bacteria that comes from the animals themselves. In some cases they’re even supplemented with said vitamin.

Plenty of people might argue that taking B12 supplements means that it is not a “natural” way of living or that we are not “designed” to be vegan, but in a world where we’re surrounded by technology, where we use phones and cars on a daily basis, what is natural is very relative and what is unnatural does not necessarily mean it’s harmful. The 21th century allows us to be vegan quite easily and that’s what truly matters, not that we were carnivores in the past. It may have been true that millions of years ago it helped us evolve, but we live in a time when we can lead a completely normal life without eating animals, especially if we take into account how harmful and dangerous the industry (industrial farming) has become.

Which leads me to my next point: the industry and the planet. The industry has definitely worsened over the years, as the more it expands and the more its production grows, the quality of the food gets worse and a piece of meat of one hundred years ago is completely different to the one they might sell you today, which is filled with chemicals, antibiotics, hormones… just so the animals grow faster and bigger and taste better. All of this is harmful for the human health (which is a longterm process you might not notice until you’re of adult age. After all, deficiencies take a long time to show up) and it also affects the quality of life of the animals. Unfortunately, there are very few regulations in the industry (both in America and in Europe), which continues to destroy natural landmarks and plays a huge part in the deforestation of the planet. This occurs because the industries need insane amounts of land to be able to grow the crops that serve as food for the animals. If you think about it, it’s quite illogical to destroy so much land to feed the animals that people will then feast on as processed meat full of hormones, instead of directly giving those crops to all the poor people around the world who have no food to get by.

At the same time, it is proved by diverse studies that animal farming produces more greenhouse gases than all of the transport clumped together, which has a huge effect on the planet and global warming. It is also a completely unsustainable system, as the demand continues to rise towards insane levels that the industry can’t even keep up with, which only worsens the deforestation issue. We have reached a point where every second more than three thousand animals are killed in inhuman ways, which only gets worse overtime. All of this is proved and studied through statistics (I really encourage everyone to do their own research on this), but most environmental organizations do not raise awareness as they are sponsored by the same powerful industries (Greenpeace, for example, is sponsored).

(now I get a little graphic on the following paragraphs, please avoid if you’re too uncomfortable about animal torture. Carry on after the *)

When it comes to ethics, I believe that everyone (or most people) would recoil if they saw the living conditions of these animals. As I mentioned before, there are not enough regulations in the industry that look out for the way they live, and the abuse and mistreatment of the animals is quite normal all over the world (even though I did my research through american studies, I was surprised to see that here in Spain it is actually way worse).

These industries only care about selling meat, not the animals. They’re beaten up, tortured, locked in enclosed spaces where they can barely move, they get so fat that their legs break under their weight, the hens get their beaks cut off (they are crammed so close together, they try to peck each other due to stress), and the chicks are gotten rid off by crushing them alive or getting thrown in the trash, where they asphyxiate due to lack of oxygen. It is quite cruel, and there are plenty of videos and documentaries where you can see that this is in fact very real. Earthlings is the most famous one.

*

Another discussion is related to organic meat, and if it is a good option when faced against veganism. Though it might be true that some companies treat their animals better, it is hard to be 100% certain as the regulations (and advertising tactics) can be quite confusing and ambiguous. In some places of the world it can be legal to say a product is organic just because the cages of the animals are just slightly bigger. From an ethical point of view, veganism is still the better choice. When it comes to health, I have to recognize that experts accept that there are lesser risks by eating high quality meats (except red meat, which is still unadvised by nutritionists) but if you compare how much you would spend a month eating organic meats against a whole foods plant based diet (without any processed junk or vegan substitute meats - they tend to be quite expensive, and that’s where the myth of veganism being expensive comes from) then the latter option is way cheaper and more comfortable.

One last argument I have to acknowledge is that veganism is said to be too “extreme”. In my opinion, it should not be considered something extreme or negative to do something good for your own body and for the planet, where the pros definitely outshine the cons. Meat should not be considered an essential staple into your diet, or something you need to be happy — if anything, it should be something additional, and it is crazy to think how so many people view vegetables that way when it should be the other way around. It should not be extremist to base your way of living around plant based sources, not when our society has forced people to believe that meat is essential for a healthy, happy living when it is far from the truth.

It is true that each case has to be treated differently, because each body is different and certain foods will suit some people better than others, but it is something relatively easy to delve into as long as you do your extensive research and are aware of what you’re doing. Veganism is not extremist at all as long as you have the knowledge and the support of a professional, as any changes in your diet (not necessarily related to veganism) needs to be monitored by a doctor.

Veganism should not be perceived that way — because in my opinion, it is mainly focused on reducing animal suffering in the best way we can. It is not absolute. It is not giving up everything in your life. We cannot solve all the problems of the world, but we can make an effort into supporting one cause and having a positive influence in it within our possibilities. We are only human, and just because we are defending one cause in particular (in this case, animals), it does not makes us hypocrites nor insensitive to human issues. There will always be unjust situations we will not be able to solve, and it is in our hands to choose our own battles.

Being vegan does not mean torturing yourself for it, it does not mean to stop enjoying life or getting obsessed with food just to “live a few years longer”. One argument I always see is that we will die sooner or later, so we have to live the way we want to and in the best way possible without worrying too much about those causes or the way we nourish our bodies. But if you truly want to lead an optimal, happy life, and leave a good print before you leave this world, should it not mean giving your body good, delicious and healthy foods that affect positively both your health and the animals, so you can lead an even better life? it is quite disappointing to see that veganism and a healthy plant based lifestyle are so related with “unhappiness” or “obsessing yourself” when it is the complete opposite. When it is done for the right reasons, when it is done right, it does not suppose any major struggle and it can turn around your life for the better. A well balanced plant based diet can even give you a better emotional wellbeing (scientifically proved), which inevitably comes with more happiness.

It is not extreme, it is simply making an effort (which can obviously be hard at first, but easily becomes natural as long as you do it right). Even just going to a restaurant and ordering the vegetarian menu instead of the one with meat does so much good, because you’re creating demand for those kind of products and are showing the world that there is growing interest in this kind of lifestyle.

And I have to add that even though I do defend veganism, I also defend small steps, and that being conscious of these situations and trying to approach some of the ideals of veganism (like meatless mondays, for example), is already beyond incredible in itself, and it is something anyone could easily do. I am sure that a lot of people would genuinely consider the entire transition if they at least tried some of these small steps and saw how easy and fulfilling it is. The sensation you get when you know you’re doing something good (for yourself and for the planet) when there is no meat on your plate is quite indescribable, even more pleasing than the act of eating meat. There are just too many advantages to this kind of lifestyle, and I promise it is truly worth it in the long run.

[prettylittleliarsxxxx]

After Troian released Feed, seeing everything she and other people said about it got me thinking and I wanted to ask about something and you were the only person I could think of to ask, even if I'm not sure you have the knowledge to answer it. I really really hope it doesn't come across as offensive, I promise is not my intention. The thing is, every person that I heard of that has/had eating disorders are people who are considered to be attractive by the society (part 1) +++

+++ (part 2). I mean like, they were never fat or were judge by their looks. Does this have any relation with eating disorders or is it a coincidence that I’ve only heard of people like these to have these disorders? I know that disorders aren’t rational, but it seems weird to me that only people who doesn’t have to “worry” about it have them. Again, sorry if I’m being offensive.

Hey! I’m glad you’re asking and taking the time to try and educate yourself – that’s so important and that’s honestly one of the biggest points of the movie in general! 

Now, I have never suffered from an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia so I hope I do this answer justice. 

The reason so many people have the misconception that it’s about weight and looks is because most movies or tv shows that depict eating disorders feature young women, normally in their teenage years or in their 20′s, and they’re all conventionally beautiful and thin, and like you said, considered attractive by society. Now, that’s not to say that people who are societally accepted as attractive don’t get eating disorders, because they do, and there’s a myriad of reasons as to why which I’ll get into later. 

The fact is that eating disorders can happen to anyone. A huge issue with it is that the people you talk about are normally the only ones who get diagnosed and taken seriously. Psychology Today posted an article in February about the fact that people who are bigger are often not diagnosed and are often not taken seriously because people in their lives/doctors/etc think they should do anything to lose weight, even if it’s unhealthy. 

Let’s get into the why of it all. Again, like you said, eating disorders aren’t rational. They don’t discriminate. You see attractive people and wonder “how can they be doing this when they’re so beautiful and thin already?” and it’s a very common thought but let me tell you why that isn’t always the best or correct thought. 

Troian has extensively talked about how for her, it was never about losing weight. In her case, it was simply about control. I can’t remember the interview (I think it was with Larry King), but she spoke about how in high school, she restricted food. If she got a bad grade on a test or had to finish homework, she would restrict food. And it was never about weight, it was about control. Control is actually a very common factor in people with eating disorders. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Feed, but if you haven’t, I’m sure you assume we see Olivia, the main character, obsessing over her weight. Where we’ll see her maybe pinch her stomach or her thighs in the mirror. This never happens. She looks in the mirror, but it’s not in an “I need to be thinner” way, and there’s a scene where she’s trying on clothing and we see none of it fitting, but it doesn’t make her happy, because that wasn’t what it was about.

There are definitely some people with eating disorders where it is about weight loss, weight control, and being thin, And again, you probably wonder how someone who was maybe already thin in your eyes wants to be even thinner and one of the answers to that is that society puts unrealistic and dangerous expectations on women. They likely suffer from chronically low or non existent self esteem, self love, and self worth, and believe that being thin, even impossibly thin, will make them loveable and beautiful. The way you perceive someone has nothing to do with how they perceive themselves, and that’s what makes the difference. Things like trauma, grief, and abuse can also trigger eating disorders. In the movie, it’s grief that triggers it. It’s much like any other mental illness that way, where it doesn’t discriminate, and it can be triggered by many different things, not just a desire to be skinny. 

Self destructive and self harming behaviours can manifest itself in a lot of different ways and for some, it’s eating disorders. 

I hope this has helped you understand a bit better and I wish I had more time because I’d look for some other links. This FAQ from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) might be a useful resource as well in learning more about eating disorders.

[thethree3truths-blog]

Anti Depressants & Mental Health

On the radio I was listening to 92.9 and the topic of discussion was, mental health. Mental health in society is a huge issue that is not looked after properly, with not only suicide and depression being a mental illness, but also anxiety. On average there are 121 suicides per day.

TRIGGER WARNING;For readers who suffer with suicidal thoughts or severe depression, please do not continue reading.

I first started noticing that I was bigger when I was in school, I would be happy as anything, be myself and for some reason, people didn't like me. I was different and kids do not respond well to people who are. The first time I realised that I was being bullied was when I was in year 4, yes that young! I was around 8 years old and in a class with year 4/5's (split class) and people I thought were my friends. I had noticed little things prior to this moment, comments, glances, unnecessary pushing, but hadn't really thought anything of it, but (and there's always a but) this was when it clicked.My teacher had arranged for a talent show to be performed in class, something like Australian Idol which was trying it's rounds on our television that time of year, a few kids raised their hands to be part of it, and being a kid who loved to sing, I had raised my hand too. Coming in on the day, I was so excited, I had made sure I picked a song that I loved and thought I was good at, making sure I packed the CD that morning and heading in to school. I couldn't wait until after recess when we were having the competition, and when it finally arrived I was hardly sitting in my chair. I watched my class mates perform, clapping loudly as I listened to them, some weren't the best but they were all trying and I loved that, the judges giving positive feedback.When it was finally my time, I stood up and got to the front, I sang my heart out and when the song was over, the kids... they laughed. I stood at the front of the class, feeling the pride slip off of me and fall into a puddle on the floor, then the judges comments came (these were 3 kids in my class), telling me I was terrible and the laughing continuing. I remember looking at my teacher thinking "are they allowed to say that, do you think that too?". Slowly grabbing my CD I slinked back to my desk and sat there looking down at the CD in my hands, feeling so much anger at myself "why did you pick that song, you're stupid for picking it" all of the negative thoughts came. Later that week is when it started to get worse, I remember sitting on the big log just inside Roleystone Primary School, it was around 9/10am (recess time) and a group of girls came up to me as I was sitting there. I don't remember the exact words they were saying, but I remember them being names to call me fat, large, ugly, horrible etc...I sat there after the bell rang, the girls walking off laughing, I was mortified, somehow everything had gone from great to absolute shit. I contemplated going back to class, but the tears kept running down my cheeks, I sobbed and being the tubby girl I was it was a surprise when I ran all the way home (granted we lived a block from the school so it wasn't too far). Walking through the side gate, mum was hanging the washing out and I came up behind her and hugged her tightly, crying, she turned, surprised and asked "what are you doing home?" and through sobs I tried to tell her what had happened. I refused to let them get to me again and I was back at school the next day, a few more incidents happened throughout my primary school life, but I never showed my tears to people, just laughed with them. High school was another story, being around 80kg, I was very lucky to have my friends who stood up for me. I had fallen into the 'Class Clown' category, partially because I made jokes about being fat, as that seemed to make people laugh.. it became my thing, to be the funny, fat girl. This started spiraling my mind, I would put myself down for every mistake I made, every bad friendship, every comment, it was because of me that people were doing this, why else would they make those comments? When I was 20 years old, I had my first encounter of severe depression, I had secretly called my GP, needing to speak to someone and too scared to tell my family what was going on, I would have this deep sadness hidden from everyone but this huge smile always placed on my face. By this time I had been on anti-depressants for a while, changing around to see what fit and made me feel human again. Although this wasn't the first time I had been severely depressed, it was the first time I had gone to someone to help. I remember making the phone call."I need to book an appointment with Dr Smith""For what day?" the friendly voice answered back through the phone, my hands were shaking."Today if possible" I replied, slowly wiping tears from my face, but keeping my voice strong."Oh I'm sorry, she doesn't have anything for today, she has tomorrow around 3pm?""That's ok, tomorrow will be too late..."The voice on the receiver spiked and replied quickly, "What do you mean? Are you okay?""I'm fine, thank you for your help""Just hold on a second I'm going to try and speak to Dr Smith, just hold on"Not having anything better to do, I sat there, the crying becoming heavier sobs as my arms kept shaking. "Hi Chandra, it's Dr Smith, are you okay?" I heard her familiar voice, her irish accent through the phone and I smiled slightly, picturing her at her desk in her consult room."Hello, I'm ok, you don't have any times today" "Chandra, it's ok, I will make time to see you today, can you come in around 10:30?""Okay""Okay Chandra, I will see you soon"We did a small chat before the phone hung up and I sat quietly and smiled.  I really hope that somehow Dr Caroline Smith does find this and read through, as I believe in a huge way, she saved my life.At 10:30 I came into the GP, my face was swollen from crying, my outfit mismatched and my shoulders hunched. I had no idea how this was going to go. Thank the lord for Bulk Billing as I didn't have the money to pay for an appointment.Walking down the hall she called me through and we walked to her consult room, just opposite the 'surgical area' in the GP. "What's going on, your call was a bit worrying"I pulled up my sleeves and tears pooled at my eyes.