#also seem to be having... idk a depressive episode ? rly dont know what it is

[milkweedman]

Brand new migraine + hips have been going in and out of place all day = misery 😔

[runicsorceress]

scars:  how many scars does my muse have? where are they located on my muse’s body? how did they get them? what do they look like? 

aches: does my muse have any frequent aches? ie, muscle aches, joint aches? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

mind: does my muse have any mental conditions that affect their lives? what are they? how do they handle them? what coping methods do they use most? 

You Will Tell Me About Rune

[ooc: asiug,shjdngiuskd,hjgsdg thank u for the ask, this is gonna get long tho lol (also why are u talking in kanaya's quirk lmao?)]

[scars: shes not got too many surprisingly! tho theres quite a few around her hands and arms. mostly burns from raising littie and being clumsy, as well. shes also got some scars from just.. continuously picking at scabs lol]

[aches: shes not got much surprisingly! but she does have carpal tunnel from constantly using computers (and drawing too!) which annoys her to no end, since basically all her fav things revolve around using a computer. shes also got some back aches from shrimping a lot lol but it doesnt effect her that much]

[mind: yes, definitely, absolutely hehe.

shes got adhd, autism, depression and maaaaaaaaaaaybe chronic fatigue syndrome. id have to read more on it, and ive already spent enough hours reading the dsm5 today lmao. also maaaaaaaybe trichotillomania? i know enough about it but idk if i wanna make it canon

it would partially explain her messy hair and also ive literally never seen any character with trichotillomania? ig itd be nice to have the representation... but i dont rly wanna increase the self insert-ness of rune! shes different than me and i want it to stay that way lmao. but some traits overlapping is fine.. idk should i do it? tell me in the comments! dont forget to like and subscribe!

anyway, for coping n such, she doesnt have many specific coping strategies, all the ones shes tried in the past have failed in the end. in general tho, she usually leans on bolt and littie for support, especially during depressive episodes. she also escapes into games n such to help Cope, but it doesnt work all the time since that still requires some energy. sometimes shes burnt out or so deep in depressive stuff that she just.. cant get herself to do it. thats when she leans on littie and bolt the most.

for the social side of things, she doesnt do much actually. shes mostly stopped caring about seeming weird or whatever and doesnt mask too much.. cus of that and her impulsiveness, she can often seem kinda blunt, and doesnt use much nonverbal communication. the little she does use is based off of shows and games she likes lol, tho idk how aware of that she is]

[sdiughksdg u can rly tell which part got my main focus huh. uhhhhh thank u for the ask! and sorry for taking so long .. and making it so long lol. i got kinda distracted and for some reason felt the need to reread the relevant sections in the dsm5 despite having done so like 10 times sdiguhsdg]

[izukult]

sorry i can’t have you? one up me? so this playlist isn’t part of the matchups i’m sorry😞🤝

here you go IDIOT CHILD ( @rat-bastar ) being your friend is so hard 😁

choke - i don’t know how but they found me

ok absolutely your vibes. if you got the chance you would bitch slap me, we both know it. you big ol bully. this is the vibey pop ish version of a villain song and it’s such a hype song in my opinion idk

love me dead - ludo

we’ve established its a good song ok🤝. idk lmao play this while you’re thinking ab your friend OR her ex gf ;) as of my knowledge those the mfs you simp for or whateva LMAO

lemons (demo)

please. PLEASE THIS ONE IS SO OBVIOUS. you vibes. absolute you vibes. you @ me. you @ everyone. you play this on full volume while you try to convince yourself you hate everyone. you play this while judging every violin player ever. you play this glaring at maliek or whagever his name is. this song is you

piano man - billy joel

i saw this on one of your playlists lol BUT i feel like this is something you would blare on the bus or on your way to a fucking debate tournament you fucking loser

hesitation - hot flash heat wave

such a good song. this also feels like something you would listen to while you think ab other people. i dunno it’s got that sweet, sweet ‘condescending to hide real emotions’ energy and it’s vibey and it’s kinda sad yea

waltz #2 (xo) - elliott smith

don’t even get me started on how big of an elliott smith can i was. you def give him vibes but i mean that as a compliment?? i can imagine you with ur head down hands in ur pockets being all bummed out and angry walking up the hill to ur house idk that’s very niche oddly specific? i never really realized this song had BIG BIG BIG you vibes until i started typing this but i’m listening to the lyrics and it’s like describing you go off ig

everyone hates his parents - falsettos

i know you love falsettos and we both know we love to shit talk our parents so. it just seems to make sense. ALSO i feel like we would argue like marvin and trina or marvin and whizzer or marvin and anyone LOL

colorful penguins - we shore is dedicated

ok i know iM the one working, but this song please. listen to it. listen to the music. to the tone of voice. to the certain old tavern rustic vibe. that’s you. i cant rly describe it but the vibe of this song is your vibe

beachboy - mccafferty

well we have the shared mother’s name in the beginning there and that’s fun for me. also we know that i be smoking and yada yada and i know your friends do too and i feel like this song is just you dealing w ur friends dummy habits and angry fast sing

hannah - swmrs

something about this song just feels like a convo we’d have?? like in my head i can tell what you would say and what i would say IDK LMAO maybe that’s just me but it’s also a good song

problems - mother mother

this song. LMAOOOO. the way you constantly BULLY me i feel like this song is how you present urself to other ppl v some deep shit like how you feel ab urself idk i’m not ur therapist ur apparently mine w how much you be psychoanalyzing me🤨. ALSO you’d scream this dont argue w me

i love you like an alcoholic - the taxpayers

multiple things here. again those crusty cobblestone streets at night after it rains where someone’s getting murdered in an alleyway vibes that you give. and i feel like if u were ever like <3 at someone, this is how you’d feel idc bitch

seashore - the regrettes

i love this band sm pls i want to kiss her. ANYWAY feels again like a you @ the world song. you just feel like someone who would shove someone in a trash can if they said one wrong word about you & i rly appreciate it

gooey - glass animals

this song feels like something that would be on a playlist with “i know this:” and i thought you’d like those vibes. sorry for the peanut butter reference

chicago - flipturn

you feel like someone who would let me play flipturn and pretend to hate it cos you pretend to hate everything i do but actually vibe w it so

everybody loves raymond (except for me) - mookamay

this is the girl i was tellin u ab who wrote the songs ab me YEA THIS IS ONE OF THE SONGS AB ME SO I FIGURED YOU WOULD APPRECIATE A SONG THAT WAS KIND OF A SLIGHT TO ME SO LMAO I PUT IT ON THERE. basically this is a song ab someone literally getting tired of ME so yknow felt fitting 😁‼️ (this one is mostly a joke and i will probably take it off the playlist but it still stands)

power over me - dermot kennedy

you seem like someone who would listen to dermot kennedy which is fair bc i used to scream this shit in the shower i would just have a lil concert and you give me the same vibe this one isn’t that deep

ghost duet - louie zong

lol some serotonin. just this playin in the background while u game

iris - the goo goo dolls

just a rly good song. just a rly good song that fits ur vibe. also if u were ever in love i also stand by saying you would listen to this & think ab them

dream sweet in sea major - miracle musical

if you were ever listen to “soft music🥺✊” this would be your version of it

bs - still woozy

I TOLD U TO LISTEN TO THIS AND I DONT THINK YOU DID YOU BITCH SO NOW I WILL FORCE YOU. also i have brown eyes so basically this is everyone including u @ me it’s ok ur human u can’t be blamed for acknowledging my charm ;) 😁🤝

paper thin hotel - matt maltese

you just seem like someone who would listen to him during a depressive episode

troubled mind - cannibal kids

cant find the right words for this one but like gives me you trying to be there for someone and coming off as apathetic and someone not knowing how to be a proper friend to you and yall just space vibes yknow what i mean?? Idk

bloom (bonus track) - the paper kites

if you and a girl (strictly a girl idc that this was written by a dude no fucking guy gets this song) were in love. like in any way. romantic love, platonic love, competitive love idgaf i just feel like THIS has the vibe for u

kill the director - the wombats

i don’t care THIS IS YOU IN LOVE. I THINK YOUD HATE HAVING REAL FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE. YOUD DEF BE THE PERSON TO IGNORE IT AND YOU BULLY THEM JUST A L I L EXTRA AND YOU DO LIL THINGS THAT SHOW U LIKE EM LIKE IF YOU RLY PAY ATTENTION YOU CAN PICK IT UP but no way you’re gonna express that shit LMAO

i got the blues - big bill broonzy

i dunno this ones just a banger

dirty imbecile - the happy first

this is you having a breakdown. that’s all! thanks queen!

under my skin - jukebox the ghost

very similar to lemons but also different?? you getting pissed at everyone but having a select couple ppl you cherish 👍

song for me - greer

where do i START? you not properly voicing emotions ? preppy pessimism ? dissociation ? vibing ? teen angst ? good vibes ? in love w ideas ?

my explanations aren’t as good as urs but also i’m cool so 👍 ur welcome you’ve been blessed by a personalized playlist from ME 🙄🙌 not from no bitchass capitalist anime character 😐

[gayoongles]

50 questions tag

I was tagged by @mikrokosyoongs thank u bb🥺💘 1. What takes up too much of your time? currently studying + final projects😪 but usually my time is spent trying to keep up w all my kpop boys (mostly bts) hfudsihf 

2. What makes your day better? listening to music, playing my cello, talking to my friends, n rugby 3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? BLACK HAIRED TAE IS BACK (im still not over it bye) AND I GOT BTS TIX

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? uhhhh idk? maybe the hp universe but ngl I havent watched/read much lately that takes place in a historical setting besides got and I know for sure I dont wanna b there hfdjhf 

5. Are you good at giving advice? I like to think I am but idk 

6. Do you have any mental illness? sadly yeah😣

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no, thank fuck. id fr die 8. What musician inspired you the most? yoongi, min yoongi, suga, syub, the love of my life, and kim namjoon

9. Have you ever fallen in love? wish I cld say no hahah but

10. What’s your dream date? idk I dont rly have one hfudshf I like amusement parks a lot but also cuddling sounds like an AMAZING date idea

11. What do others notice about you? ppl always comment on my hair (bc I always have it dyed) and my height first so I guess those fhiusdfhi, personality wise tho, that im v quiet

12. What is an annoying habit you have? biting my nails. I try so hard every day to not but it ends up happening anyway

13. Do you still talk to your first love? no, thankfully

14. How many exes do you have? 5 and all of them ended up sucking yeet😛

15. How many songs are in your playlist? idk bc I have like 7483758 playlists 

16. What instruments can you play? cello! and a bit of ukulele but I havent picked it up in a while so im probably rusty

17. What do you have the most pictures of? bts, but out of all of them probably jm or yoongi

18. Where would you like to go before you die? everywhere, but mostly Europe Australia and Asia 

19. What is your zodiac? ima go deep bc why not so: leo sun cap moon aries rising. feel free to roast me in my asks abt that idk

20. Do you relate to it? my zodiac? lmao my sun no but my moon for sure

21. What is happiness to you? music. 

22. Are you going through anything right now? umm stress bc finals r in like a week but other than that no not particularly. I did just get out of a rly bad like month, almost 2 month long depressive episode tho so its been rough bouncing back from that bc I got behind on a LOT of work bc of it

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? not a specific decision but I trusted too easily in the past and it always hurt me

24. What’s your favorite store? I dont rly shop that much in specific stores ngl, maybe line friends tho? it was a rly cute store when I visited last month :(

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? your body, your decision. no one elses

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nah, theres things I wanna do but idc enough to write them down or keep track or anything

27. Do you have a favorite album? persona, lys tear, and dark and wild r so so superior dont @ me I won't change my mind

28. What do you want for your birthday? hfidshfi not 2 b that bitch but I always only ask for money

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? that I’m really quiet and reserved. also that im fucking short

30. What age do you seem according to most people? I got mistaken as 12 once when I was 18 but recently idk, maybe 17? probably not much younger now since I go to college

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? next to me on my bed bc I always end up falling asleep while on it

32. What word do you say the most? yoongi or some curse word probably

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 22 or 23? idk I havent rly thought of it much. except id date hyung line for sure if they fucking asked, screw age preferences in that case.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 18 since im only 19 lmao

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? anything music related 

36. What’s your favorite music genre? any varying kind of rock except most metal (alt, indie, classic, etc.), pop (and that included kpop), and hip hop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? um? tbh I like New York but uhh any country that it’s legal to be lgbtq+ in since my trans gay ass wldnt thrive anywhere that it’s illegal obvi

38. What is your current favorite song? dionysus and home and also bonfire by childish gambino

39. How long have you had this blog for? I dont know tbfh, maybe a year and a half? two years? bc it was a marvel blog before it was a bts blog so..

40. What are you excited for? METLIFE DAY 2 LETS GOOOO

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. talking takes a lot out of me mentally if im sober unless im w someone im rly comfy w

42. What is the last productive thing you did? uhh this weekend I finished 3 whole assignments dsifhi that's abt it

43. What do you want for christmas? idk? money? to get to spend time w my dad n step sisters? christmas is so far away man idk yet

44. What class do you get the best grades in? music related courses and english/writing

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 6, wld be more if I wasnt stressed out of my mine but ukno

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? mmm my hope is that ill b a relatively successful music producer/engineer by then but we’ll see how that goes lmaoo

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? threeee years ago I think? its been a hot second

48. What age do you want to get married? bro im only 19 I dont wanna think abt marriage

49. What career did you want to have as a child? a vet! and then I realized u had to put pets down sometimes so I said fuck that

50. What do you crave right now? physical affection lmaoo

m not gonna tag anyone bc I kinda took an break from work that I shouldn't have to do this so fhidsh anyone can do this if u want idk

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.

[aitian]

8/23/20 3:02am, sunday

think i have been going abt the way i talk & interact w ppl wrong. feels shitty that as an adult i am still so repressed. a lot has to be unspoken bc maybe i dont have words that other ppl want to hear. & otherwise i had always been scared to say what i mean. thinking today abt what it might be like to be honest w ghosts. maybe they would materialize but i wont try.

we would go to stone valley. him & i. somehow its hard to admit thats who has lived in my head for so long. i really don’t much remember what he looks like, only photos. or that feeling of being so enchanted. the heartbreak, numb, is still familiar. i think its on my mind bc i reread ganbare nakamura kun yesterday & the furious rewriting of truth inside the head (is it just me? they couldn’t.. wouldn’t... would they?) made me feel so sad. i was thinking when he feels rejected on the school trip, when hirose seems to enjoy the company of everyone else, nakamura goes to the aquarium alone anyway to see the cute octo. & he has this happy face. & he finds tako & its so cute & he becomes so frustrated, upset. of course things would end up this way. & thats where my story ended. but hirose appears, paid the entrance fee & tells nakamura he is funny & charming, & reveals an intimate moment of i would rather be with u. 

the wind would blow across the water. my hair would be pulled up into a messy bun, or maybe i would just clip back the sides. i might pick him up, but i would have to practice the route. he would say, woah... you’ve changed. i might say... im not sure. is that okay? & there’s no way to say no. so we would end up by the reservoir, & i might ask why he agreed to meet me, or he might ask why i wanted to see him. i might tell him how i felt that year. how i was so upset to watch him graduate. i guess i think he would be uncomfortable around me. & i might tell him i dont have any expectations. i just wanted to see him again.

writing & rewriting endings (continuations) is a strange strategy i don’t know how to feel about. i thought deeply about it first reading eve ewing’s poetry guided by hui ying. i guess most happy stories feel like rewritings already. like there’s what an author who lives a lovelier life would expect to happen to them. but for me it wouldn’t happen that way. & that’s why i find it difficult to rewrite my own stories- because they wouldn’t happen that way. & i want them to be anything but real so bad. the real story is much more mundane & painful. so to rewrite my stories into mythology or whatever else carries a lot of weight. like, of course representations are easily imagined to be perfect, full of vigor & triumph & diversity & heroes & villains & lessons but it doesn’t make sense to me to deform my past into smth worth ingesting. its yucky to share the dirty & ugly feelings i have had as well as a sanitized retelling. maybe i just want to tell a story full of monsters.

ive started drawing a little but even that imagining of a representation is icky to me. i guess thats why i think i can only draw myself- bc im not a representation. that my image can literally be a version of me flattened onto a page. & thats different from designing characters to fit an ideal image for a story. i guess i am very unideal for my tragedy lmao. i will draw tmrw.

some updates abt the summer: - hate texting/msging ppl. did it rarely but somehow felt like a lot - sad that i don’t know what ppls lives are like who i care abt & that is a shameful contradition bc clearly i dont care if i dont know & dont want to ask but i dont want to ask bc that already embodies the contradiction of not knowing but wishing i knew - rly lonely sometimes. like now writing abt him & regretting how i have gotten to this point in my now 20′s without building the beginnings of any future that has love in it, friends, partners, comrades, children, guardians, mentors - looking forward to umibe no etranger movie i guess. tbh i rly dont like the manga characters but the art is cute i guess & voice acting from the trailer is pretty precious. been reading a lot of bl these few days & i think it is the most interesting part of my life. cis women can write these dramatic narratives abt what is feels like to be a queer boy in love. it is so easy & pleasurable to abuse imagined beings. i have to write vestigial bodies this year.  - alice is home this weekend. we celebrated dads burthday today. i think 56. mom and dad both say they are not old, & alice was quick to agree. i think it is convenient for her to not have to see them every day & think abt their futures. alice made drinks & i made spocy ramen around midnight & i think this is the type of carefree activity i miss indulging in w friends, ppl who i want to eat well & be happy & see their beautiful faces & talk abt everything w. friends is such a bad, generic word. - school starts in two weeks i think - idk what else. had a period of rly enjoying the sunrise & running outside, but i am back in the slump. its so difficult to wake up when i dont know why i would want to do that shit. lol. its always not so difficult anymore once i am awake but i realized i am so upset when i am tired, & im just used to living with those feelings until i pass out. i dont need more than 8 hrs a day to feel happy but its difficult to stop the slump from making its nest - pastimes r watching one piece (im on episode 500+ & i cannot multitask when reading subs), reading bl, playing botw, playing w myself, & eating i guess. i also read sula in one day bc i wanted to prove to myself that i still knew how. obsessive. comforts & pleasures > coping. our brains r wired so weak by scarcity relations. & also idk... adhd & ocd tendencies + anxious obsessive & depressive obsessive.

goals for the end of this year i think: - 80 pgs of lianhuanhua type graphic novel - vestigial bodies essay on virtual pleasure & bodily rejection (pain, deterioration, abuse, freakishness) - maybe centered on some media? not sure yet.. thinking abt video games & comics as virtual life where representations replace bodily function, distance pleasurable simulated outcomes w the body that produces unpleasurable irl outcomes - visual novel in febuilder if i figure out what i want to do with gameplay. - learn blender. maybe construct one scene

[celestialallstars]

Episode #16: “Well, this is the end folks.” - Stephen

I WANT TO QUIT

I AM GOING TO QUIT

MICHAEL DESERVED BETTER HE WAS MY FUCKING F2 AND BEST FRIEND IN THIS GAME AND IM SO FUCKINF MAD I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART HE DESERVES WAY BETTER THAN THIS FUCK THIS CASST SO MUCH I CANT STOP FUCKING CRYING

#FuckChris

FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST

EITHER IM QUITTING OR IM WINNING OUT OF SPITE WATCH THIS SPACE

Feel like pure shit just want Michael back

Bryce messaging me like “hey bowling ball” SHUT UR FUCKING FACE BRYCE DO NOT START TRYING TO TALK TO ME RN I AM MAD AT YOU

I MADE FINAL FIVE AND I HAVE AN IDOL I LEARNED MY MISTAKES IM MAKING FINAL FOUR I BEAT MY PLACEMENT WOOO I makin sure history dont be repeating doe

Alrighty, I am hoping that one of Chloe or Zach leaves this round. I dont know how the idol is going to go but I think Chloe's the safest bet for us as I still feel Zach could have it. Still, I can't risk a Loris situation so I would prefer it if Stephen won immunity. I do feel bad for him and I just hope he still trusts me even if I lost a little last night. Right now I think if Crystal Clear is the F4 then it could do a lot of good if anyone but Bryce wins it but I hope Stephen is wanting to go to the end still now

So, THAT happened. Chris lied and sided with Bryce and Zach instead of splitting like we planned! Greeaaaaaat.

He says it happened shortly before tribal, but when he told me his reason, he said it was because of Michael attempting to make an F3 deal, which is something that happened the day before.

I did have an interesting chat with Zach where he said me and him are essentially seen as Chris and Bryce's +1's and our chances of winning sitting next to them might be pretty low based on that perception. Obviously I want Bryce out before Chris, but I need to start realistically thinking of cutting Chris at some point. He did go behind my back here and staying blindly loyal despite that just seems foolish. He said he'd use the idol on me this round which is great and all, but if Bryce wins immunity... well... what are my options? Honestly the best case scenario is me or Chris winning immunity just so we can be sure about playing the idol on the one who loses and voting Bryce out.

I hope that bad scenario doesn't have to play out, but let's just say at this point I think Zach and Chloe are my best possible F3. Which is interesting considering I just tried to get Zach out!

It does kinda suck to hear Michael say what he said. I get he was upset but like I dunno. It didnt help but at the same time I don't feel too bad knowing that he made an f3 without me in it. My hope was that it makes the others think more on NOT bringing me to the end so I want to use it to my advantage as much as I can to still win it all if its possible

This vote has been so messy it's ridiculous. I know Chris has the idol and is likely playing it on himself, so I'm trying to get Zach and Chloe to throw their vote on him so me and Chris can decide who goes. I was considering actually voting him out for a bit but I don't think that's feasible without their being an imminent reason for him to use the idol on someone else.

So I told Chloe and Zach the plan, and I told Bryce the plan was Chloe and used idol-fear as my fake reason. Hopefully it's a strong enough justification for him to buy it and just vote for her, but he's immune so he personally has nothing to fear tonight. It's been a hard day and I hope everything pans out as I expect and I'm not on the bad end of all the plans LOL.

im in f4 wooh but no chance at winning i think im gonna be blindsided by zach tonight so thats fun if chris goes im legit over but idk how to fix that i ened to make sure chris votes stephen with me but idt he will

________________________________________________________________

Chloe: How does michael leaving impact the game?

Michael leaving the game probably means it’s a bit more open for people to make moves and shake things up even more which is TERRIFYING. In my eyes Michael had a lot of control over people that was going unnoticed.

go to an optometrist queen

im trying to do stuff but who knows oh well LOL SDGMLKDSGKDSGKDMSKGDSK i want chris out but he probs has idol all i know is unless theres an idol nullifier i be makin f4 tho

________________________________________________________________

Chloe is voted out 2-2-1. She becomes the eighth member of our jury.

Watch Chloe’s exit interview take place below:

________________________________________________________________

Welp! I've survived probably my closest call all game. I wish I could make it to the end while being targeted a bit less but I can settle for this. Anyway, selecting Chloe to be my target ended up being the correct decision, since she was the only person other than me who could be targeted. I'm so close to the end again, and the people still in don't see me as much of a winner threat. I hope they're wrong sksksksksksks

I think winning this immunity challenge and being the reason Bryce goes home could boost my odds quite a bit, but I need to be ready for the possibility of not winning the immunity challenge as well. Still, I have F2 deals with Chris and Zach, so that's another reason to avoid wanting to choose between them here. No reason to make anyone madder than they need to be.

I guess a lot is riding on the last comp and I enjoy it because it does show how it isn't clear cut as far as what will happen next.

ok so results in 2.5 hours and i know im not winning its so sad but its just sth that i have to face. i tried my hardest at endurance but fell alseep. before and after.. i have no brain. counting? literally my least fave thing on orgs the actual anxiety it gives me is unreal. winterbells???? anyways. the puzzle prob the only thign i can do alright at and i just know zach beat me at it too. and like just like my og season i feel like if i dont win i go home.at least there i dont think maynor would have voted me but here i dont have a maynor and i will get 3-1'd even tho i dont think its the right move like ugh this is so sad i rly just wanted to show i deserved my win and my spot on all stars and i cant even win final immunity its so embarrassing why do i even play orgs this will be my last mark my WORDS going out on one of my fave orgs ever will be cute anyway yay wooh haha im so random...

________________________________________________________________

im so sad like im depressed this sucks im gonna get 3-1'd for WHAT why wont zach take me what could i have done differently except be better at immunity like ive had no agency since f9 rhys blindside and its like that has been annoying but it was always with the end goal being yes i may not have gotten to play how i wanted to but at least ill make ftc how cute. but  i dont even get to do that and its like ppl just say i was a shield well i have feelings and i dont like being used as a shield why am i so melodramatic its literally an online game but im just tired of being used and thrown away and so what if ive listened to liability 10 times since i woke up this morning that has nothing to do with me feeling like im a toy that ppl grow bored of.

Its been one heck of a rollercoaster but I have a little faith for this last tribal.  I was sad to have lost the final challenge but I feel it can perhaps help my overall game if Im able to make it to the final three. With that in mind, its time to enact my final plan. While I have openly acknowledged Bryce's threat level to people I sorta was in need of certain things falling into place- Zach winning was the first part even if it would have been nice for Stephen/myself. Now is the part I pretty much spell it out for him that taking Bryce not only equals less jury votes but also could take votes that Zach would have since Bryce is viewed as the stronger of the duo. I basically have to make Zach be fully on board to get out his biggest threat to winning.

________________________________________________________________

As for Bryce, it was nice to play with him but I do hope he is serious about voting Stephen because it then guarantees that not only am I safe but that I can get him out. Alas Justice4Mitch has never died but if I can pull it off after basically convincing Bryce I was not against him while also just painting Zach as a necessary meat shield then I have a chance! I dunno how it would go down with the jury but thats moot until I see "18th person voted out and the final member of the jury...@Bryce"

So I made a bit of a mistake last night. Zach won immunity and I assumed it was pretty clear Bryce was gonna go 3-1 no strings attached, and I told him my reasons for voting him. Bryce isn't giving up though. He came up with a plan with Chris to get Zach to put his vote on Chris, and then the 2 of them vote me out. It's not the craziest idea I've ever heard which is why I think I made a mistake telling Bryce the truth.

Knowing this, I went to Zach and told him everything about this plan. Hopefully it makes Zach too gun-shy to consider voting for Chris and, since I don't think he wants me out that only leaves Bryce as an option. I wish I was immune and had nothing to worry about but here we are! If Bryce can dig himself out of this he'll have a really good shot to win though. And Chris/Zach have to be aware of that.

im livid im depressed and my hair is such a mess.

this is likely my penultimate confessional [that is lengthy] so here we go.

i won immunity. im so happy. I MADE FINAL TRIBAL!! even if i lose, i still made it here, in an allstar season - which is just phenomenal. top 3 out of 21... WOO! and i beat my placement and improved my game (in my subjective opinion) and so i feel like i got what i wanted out of this game. i didn't even need the immunity tbh but.. it's just a relief to have it because it secures my game and allows me a bit more control than the average person at F4.

when it comes to the vote, i think the frontrunners are chris + bryce. i think neither are a cut-and-dry win, but i think they are the two people that the jury is currently praising to a degree. it's also known that those two are on the chopping block for this round, and i believe i'm in a swing vote position (stephen/chris voting bryce, bryce voting chris - i can tie it or send bryce home).

this is where it becomes tricky. i love all these people, especially bryce. he's my best friend and we've been through this game hand in hand. i would love to see him win, and i would prefer him as a victor over stephen/chris (no offence to them, just as personal taste obviously). but, i think he's an obstacle for me come FTC. the jury has perceived me to be his goat (or just a follower of his), and while that's not true (both bryce and i have played briefly separate games and have taken some control at varying points), perception matters a lot. like, it's not reality - but it is critical to who wins this game. so i think i need to do my utmost best to reverse that perception.

my main strategy throughout merge (and i mentioned this in early confessionals) was to highlight bryce as a bigger threat [giving him another challenge win, hyping him up to people, etc.] so that in our inevitably perceived duo, he would be the bigger fish to fry. while at times this failed (ie f8 when I was the target of the split vote), i fixed it by ensuring jared's elimination because he was the person keeping bryce alive and that was awareness!! woo!! but overall, with the whole "shield strategy", it becomes redundant imo if you take that shield to FTC. bryce, as someone who's been consistently targeted (him and i both tbh), if he gets to the end, that becomes so impressive. even if he hasn't made many moves or whatever, it's that underdog-like story that likely ensures him the gold in my eyes. i would love to see him win!! he's the best candidate (on a personal level) to be sandra diaz-twine (though he's being so fat to me right now, as i am to him though). but i feel like my prominent strategy only ever comes into fruition if i eliminate him, and that's where i'm leaning (and he knows that).

while chris could win (or even stephen, i won't exclude him), it's all a risk. if they do, then good game!! but i think ive played to a great standard and have proven myself, and i've shown divergence from bryce and others and while some moves failed, i attempted to be flexible and that in and of itself speaks a lot! woo!! this is a deserving final four imo (higher than average for most final ours). this allstar season has been hectic, every vote being so diverse, so regardless of the final outcome, it's an achievement that us four made it here.

i could be majorly misinterpreting this game as a whole, but who cares. chris and stephen are both great speakers, so it'll be a tossup in that regard, but i just have to do what's best. maybe i vote out chris though. i'm torn, and it's not because of what anyone has said, it's just an internalized conflict that's like... do i vote out my best friend but i think it's smarter or do i vote out another threat and just hope the jury can recognize that i had a stronger game than perceived.

i think i know the answer though. and i hope that when he (BRYCE LKSDGLKSD i love him im on call with him ill link a pic below) goes to jury he can be my cheerleader... bc i lav him. if not i understand. but I HOPE he doesn't hate me remotely seriously because i value our friendship immensely... but i didn't come here to play for second. will i get second (or third)? sure. it's possible. but at least i didn't *play* for it, if that makes sense.

link to bryce on cam suffocating himself with a pillow in response to me potentially voting him out: https://imgur.com/BgFRtsK

that's all. MAYBE I DONT WRITE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL THIS IS TOO STRESSFUL AND LONG AND MY FINGERS ARE CRAMPING. but that's it. love yawls. mwah.

IM SO DEPRESSED IM GETTING 3-1 HOW DO I HAVE SUCH BAD SOCIAL GAME WHY AM I THE WORST PERSON TO EVER PLAY THE GAME WHATS THE POINT OF PLAY 77 DAYS IF I CANT BE A TWO TIME WINNER I RUIN MY SLEEP SCHEDULE I PUSH THROUGH MY EPISODES OF SADNESS TO TRY TO WIN AND ITS ALL FOR NOTHING BC IM AN UNLIKABLE AND NO ONE WANTS TO SIT NEXT TO ME IN THE END LIKE THATS SO CRAZY ITS INSANE I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LIKE ME https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/613389489154293780/634539770583973888/unknown.png

________________________________________________________________

i thought most betrayed was jared to me but turns out its zach to me

________________________________________________________________

Bryce is voted out 3-1. He becomes the ninth and final member of our jury.

Watch Bryce’s exit interview take place below:

________________________________________________________________

Ahhh I cant believe I made it to FTC. Its pretty surreal to have actually made it after everything's that happened! I am so nervous about FTC because I know a lot of people may not be thrilled to see me and I have to do a lot lf convincing...but this is where I have to try to give everything my all and hope it will work out!

Well, this is the end folks.

My final confessional of All-Stars. Will it be my final Celestial confessional? Who knows. All I know at this point is that my speech is ready and I'm speculating as to what questions I will be asked and what my answers will be. Finally being at the end of an ORG is so surreal but winning this thing after all the nonsense would be so sweet.

Making it to the end with Chris is great too, even if I kinda wish he was just on the jury supporting me. This is our second time playing an ORG together but the first time we played we both went pre-merge, so this really is a big deal for us.

I'm proud of the game I've played though, and I want to make sure that comes across tonight. Even if I ultimately end up losing I won't let myself be called a goat or "just playing for FTC". I came here to win from the very beginning and by the end of the night everyone is going to know that.

I am so nervous for this FTC that I don't think I'll do that good, BUT I'm gonna put on my acting abilities and pretend I am confident and own everything I can! It's do or die and I'm not ready to be six feet under yet!

________________________________________________________________

So I'm very happy with myself when its all said and done! This was such a journey for me in that whether I win or lose I feel satisfied with myself because I had highs and lows and learned things- wishing my fellow finalists the best of luck and huge thank you to the hosts for allowing this to even exist here :)

________________________________________________________________

Zach wins in an 8-1-0 vote!

[nauseoussuggestion]

 i feel like i need to put it down somewhere. heres the progression of this year

- summer 2017 wasnt terrible but i kept being reminded that one of the best leaders i knew and loved left in december bc we sucked. i found it hard to love a ministry that could fail someone who didnt do anything wrong. 

- transphobia from father al and tntt and all the vibes and self hate that embodied itself during mass or during depressive episodes never seemed to go away. it wasnt just transphobia that caused me to feel so terrible. i hoenstly dont know what caused most of it. i wanted to kill myself in 2019. i wanted to be good at school. i wanted to be selfless and a good leader. so much bs that i cant right out. i lashed out so much. i had anxiety attacks constantly during summer meetings and retreats and they were during meetings too. i hated how vulnerable i was and how ungrateful i acted. i thought it was a sign of the fact that i was gonna be a bad leader. 

- during retreat i seemed to do all the wrong things. i didnt keep God at the cneter of it. i hhad such good kids and couldnt do anything right. i left halfway through sunday and didnt come back to my group. 

- during classes i seemed to forget everything and not teach the way i wanted to teach. i didnt do much bc the two other catechists were doing fine and i felt lost. i felt like if this didnt come naturally to me and i couldnt seem to work to better myself despite the amount of effort i put in, i wasnt fit for this calling and God didnt want me here. i acknowledged that this was my first year but it still made me feel like shit.

- so many people left so suddenly. i found out the friday of winter break. heard the two were leaving on saturday. on sunday everyone else left too. it was heartbreaking for me and i couldnt imagine how much worse the teens were feeling and the leaders who left were feeling. it still doesnt feel right without them there

- it was really hard to adjust and i legit still cry about it sometimes. i dont know how ro who to talk about it with other than God. my efforts still feel useless and i dont know what to do. only a handful of people consistently show up to the meetings. no oneseems to communicate to me about anything.it feels like rn i dont have a part in helping bc im an adult and bc im so incompetent. 

- ppl talk shit a lot. m left bc the office pushed ym away and gave her esp a hard time and bc she didnt feel like the office had her back. a lot of  jr core and core and teens and everyone who left were extremely mean and believed and spread rumors. i talk shit and feel icky from it and try to avoid it but i still listen in. a person i rly trust talks shit and is talked shit abt and idk what to believe bc whos word do i trust? trying to desperately hold onto the view i have of the ppl b4 the talking shit has happened. i rly hate how much of a pushover and rumor believeri am. cant i think for myself

- progress seems to be slow and nonexistent. transphobia still present. theres also a lot of progress tho (a teen came out to me and i couldnt be more proud of him every day). its just hard to remember that when i get hit w sudden transphobia every once in a while and live with this internal transphobia myself 

- ive felt alone this entire year and i feel a lack or presence with God. its been so terrible and if i dont feel God or some strong call anymore whats the point of serving. i want to think its bc i want to serve and give my time to God and these teens bc no matter the circumstances i should constinue persisteing and serving but i feel like thats selfish. overall ive burned out. reallyreally burned out and i have all this anger and sorrow i stil ldont know what to do about it and its pathetic. i hate myself for a lot of reasons and i lost my way