#also tumblr is a terrible platform for long-form rambling

[eilwen]

Visiting the Dragon's Nest District

Most cities and towns in No Man's Land have been similar in appearance, with a ship or a portion of a ship watching over its people. However, in Ryutsu, where many things happen, the ship is not the only structure that dominates the landscape.

I wanted to do a dive into the city, what inspired it (and speculate on some of the visuals) and what we can potentially understand about No Man's Land.

Some spoilers for Vol. 4 and 5. Also, this is long.

Even without the baos and wonton-fonts on signage, Ryutsu visually does not match with other cities in No Man's Land. It’s not just the citadel which can be seen from afar, but it’s also the crammed housing and confusing architecture. The tone of Vol. 4 shifts and leans towards neo-noir. As this arc's villains move into the city, Hoppered says: "This place is truly the bottom of the dark. [...] We'll walk into a place where the light does not enter." These lines may not be literal but it certainly brings ideas of seedy places. They move through pitch black and eventually…

The big showdown happens at the city's main feature: the Dragon’s Nest District - an area that brings up memories of the old Kowloon Walled City in Hong Kong. No Man's Land is a sparsely populated planet, yet for whatever reason, people have sardined themselves into this city and into this district.

Kowloon Walled City had been called ‘City of Darkness’ and it was possible to move through the city without ever seeing daylight. It carries a bit of romantised nostalgia because of its weird part in Hong Kong colonial history, its uncontrolled and chaotic construction, and its lawlessness (though apparently the ungoverned city was tight-knit and communal). The city became a source of inspiration for a lot of media, but not many films were shot in the city itself. Those that I had seen tended to use the city as a 'cool film location' so apart from the examples below, there aren't many I know to recommend (happy to take suggestions for films I may have missed).

Clip from Bloodsport (Arnold, 1988)

"No joke, man. It's a random piece of No Man's Land in the middle of a tourist paradise. It goes way back to the old lease agreement between Great Britain and China. Once you step out of the sunlight into the narrow corridors, it's time to protect your nuts, guys."

Clip from Crime Story (Wong, 1993). This is the climax of the film, which featured actual explosions from Kowloon's demolition, according to its wiki page.

Off the top of my head, good fiction film substitutes (unrelated and unlike Trigun/Trimax) which more illustrate what life might have been like in these places, may be films like Wong Kar Wai's Fallen Angels (1995) and Chungking Express (1994) - though these films take place at the Chungking Mansions, Kowloon Walled City's more modern cousin. I thought of Wong's films because he treated the mansions as a character more than as a location. His films showed examples of immense density, globalisation, and a bit of that noir crime stuff within small and unusually intimate spaces. They also reflected Hong Kong's complicated anxiety as the city was approaching its handover from British to Chinese rule.

Panel from Vol. 4 Ch. 7; Screencap from Chungking Express (Wong, 1994).

To talk more about Hong Kong cinema itself would be much longer than a tumblr post but if Nightow is connected with Rodriguez's films via Desperado (1995), Rodriguez and his collaborative friend Tarantino are connected with Hong Kong films from those like John Woo and Ringo Lam. One example: Mexican standoffs are tropes used in various films, but we see them frequently enough in Tarantino's films and in Hong Kong action cinema that it becomes noteworthy.

Panel from Vol. 5 Ch. 3

Panel from Vol. 5 Ch. 5

Kowloon Walled City which was demolished in 1993, was visually ‘resurrected’ as Ryutsu's Dragon's Nest. Kowloon Walled City was not a city that just looked interesting. It was an agreement between China and Great Britain that was then kind of weirdly botched, thus leaving it pretty much ungoverned. Trimax Vol. 4 was released in 2000, three years after Hong Kong's handover from Britain to China. We don’t get Ryutsu’s history and with the multiple panels of silhouetted buildings against the night sky and hanging laundry in balconies, Ryutsu’s citadel falls into the 'cool manga location' category. Also, I should be clear: these chapters in Trimax are not an analysis or an allegory of Hong Kong's colonial history.

Panel from Vol. 4 Ch. 4; Photo of Kowloon Walled City's alleyway from wiki article.

At the same time, many eyes, including those outside of Great Britain and China, were on the news when the handover occurred. The point is not if Nightow was considering that historic moment or if he happened to be watching Hong Kong films when he was working on these chapters. Instead, I wonder if readers, when they picked up these volumes from the bookshelves, had thought about Hong Kong, Hong Kong’s movies, and Hong Kong’s past and uncertain future, as they were skimming through the pages. But you know… this is 2023 me thinking about 23 years ago. All of this is daydreaming.

I bring up Hong Kong's history and cinema because I wanted to see what I can envision and interpret about Ryutsu and thus about No Man's Land. If Hong Kong via cinema brings imaginations of transnationalism then Ryutsu via Vol. 4 and 5 could do the same for No Man's Land.

There is no literal ocean to divide cities and there are no named countries. There is a broad ‘Federal Government’, so I assume that means the government concerns itself with all settlements in the entire planet. If Ryutsu itself is No Man’s Land’s ‘Hong Kong’ (which opens another discussion of the use and/or misuse of Hong Kong in media - some other time), then despite No Man’s Land being an incredible dystopia, the elimination of borders is, very plainly, very interesting. I am leaning to this being a good thing, considering that one major problem in No Man’s Land tends to be ‘Humans vs. X’ (plants, worms, the planet’s environment etc.). Also, No Man’s Land is already very sparse. No spoilers for later volumes but I am curious about the planet’s future if the population demographic changes.

Panel from Vol. 4 Ch. 4. Western and Eastern hats in the same panel.

There are also thoughts about its class struggles. Vash says in Vol. 4 Ch. 4: "There are too many people here. I don't like it. The lower and upper class all cramped together." ... which really made me think about the conditions the upper class were living in. Kowloon Walled City was known to be unhygienic, dark and cramped and the wealthy did not live there, so how rough was it to live in Ryutsu when a rich person might still need to live in the citadel? I didn't interpret Vash's statement to mean 'citadel plus those outside of it' when the high stakes in these volumes were because of the high density and maze-like streets.

Panels from Vol. 4 Ch. 6; Ch. 7; Ch. 7.

The above panels remind me of establishing shots in gritty crime thrillers than the sci-fi western I had been reading up to this point.

Featured is the Juukei Building - a building that looks pulled from the 20th century. It is tall, drawn sometimes in narrow panels to emphasize its height and to show how small the characters are in the claustrophobic space as they navigate towards it. As characters move through the structure once inside, it becomes more difficult to tell where in the building they are or if they are somewhere adjacent. Combining historical and futuristic designs in Trigun/Trimax isn't new, but it's not often you see 20th century structures. Maybe wealthier residents lived in buildings like this, though the interiors of Juukei look like abandoned offices.

Panel from Vol. 5 Ch. 3.

Or maybe this was meant to be a mixed-use building? But it seems the entire building is abandoned anyway.... So I'm not sure where the upper class is supposed to live or how I should imagine the upper class to be.

Panel from Vol 5. Ch 6.

... After the end of the battle, once morning comes, we no longer see the citadel. The landscapes return to those reminiscent of American Southwestern deserts. Like we dipped into darkness then we returned to the light.

Anyone who knows about Kowloon Walled City would instantly recognise it in Trimax. The imitative Ryutsu Citadel could be read as a cool manga location where a massive shootout plus some serious revelations occur, but I personally am always interested in what else a location can do. It matters if you set a film in New York City versus a nameless location and how you visually convey that city because it can tell us about its people and helps us understand its characters. So to me, I thought it would be fun to look at certain locations in Trimax (with all of Nightow's free-form inconsistencies and confusions) and imagine or interpret what they can tell us about No Man's Land and by extension, the people in No Man's Land.

Other fun facts include: "[...] Japan, in particular, developed a keen interest towards Kowloon. Its demolition in 1993 was broadcast on national television."

[crimsonaurorablog]

This is gonna be a long, rambling post but I felt like I had to discuss it. Feel free to scroll right on past my cringe monologue.

Anyway.

I was just laying down with not much to do when I started thinking back on my Google+ days. And, man.

Yeah so like, Google+ was my main social media from the period of 2014-2017. I made a lot of friendships on it and it helped a lot with coming out of my shell and trying to socialise more. It was a really formative period for me.

One day, I just quit it cold turkey and abandoned a lot of the friends I had made on it, without giving any real explanation. If I could go back and do things differently, that would be one of those things.

From memory, I had close to 900 followers on there? I don't know how honestly, but looking back that's a really scary number of people. And I'm pretty certain most of them were genuine users and not bots. If I had that following nowadays it would be terrible for my psyche. I'm not sure what exactly changed, but just thinking about that makes me a nervous wreck.

When it was shut down in April of 2019, I didn't really feel much, other than a small amount of catharsis, as there were a fair few unpleasant people on the platform with bigoted views, which in retrospect very easily could've swayed me politically and sent me down a far right rabbit hole. Very thankful that didn't happen.

Reflecting on it now though, it's tragic. Any chance I had to remedy those lost friendships is now gone.

That isn't to say that I lost everyone, as I do still have a few of them added on Discord, though I very rarely converse with them. But the ones I did lose, well, as far as I'm concerned they're gone forever. And maybe those friendships were never meant to be, but it's sad to think about what could've been.

I was able to archive the images I shared, but none of the text posts and private messages were preserved, and that upsets me. Being able to look back on those formative years and how I communicated would be nice, but that's all gone now. All I have left are the memories from that time, the good and the bad. And I don't know how much longer I'll hold on to those memories.

Google+ was far from a perfect social media, and it was shut down for a fair enough reason, but it's tragic what I and many others lost. Maybe something similar will happen with Twitter any day now; it's seeming more and more likely to me with each passing day.

If you take anything away from this, it's that you should never take anything for granted, and also that you should save your data backups. You don't wanna forget the good times you had, even if it's just in the form of images, gifs and mp4s, that's still better than nothing.

Also, always have a backup platform to keep in touch with your friends. Who even knows how long Discord and Tumblr will be around for?

[snifflesthemouse]

I'm still rather new to Tumblr. While I've clearly displayed my ability to post my ramblings, I'm still figuring out the other various features of this platform. For the sake of reference, I have posted a screenshot below.

While I completely agree with @youhavebeenmarkled that it's grossly inappropriate to suggest Catherine, the future Queen Consort, is a drug addict... I want to add to the discussion and further develop why the concept of Catherine microdosing heroin is entirely ignorant.

@youhavebeenmarkled mentions several excellent points as to why the concept is ridiculous; from genetics to muscle tone and more. But there's deeper reasons why this idea of Catherine being on heroin is so far from the truth and reality, it's out of this world. Some could even argue it sounds like a page from a Hollywood script.

Before I get started, though, I want (and need) to stress a few things. I am in no way shaming anyone. As I've shared in the past, I am the last person in the universe qualified to pass judgement on anything or anyone. My posts are simply my perspectives, my opinions. I look at facts in the public domain, and with my own knowledge and life experience, I form my thoughts.

Please remember while you read this, I am not looking down on anyone. I am not bragging about knowing what drug addiction is or is not. I am only sharing some insights with you, the reader, on what real life heroin addiction is like. My only goal is giving insight.

I am not proud of my past, and I am not condoning it. Nor should you. Accountability is how I stay clean. Please do not feel like I am suggesting non-addicts are ignorant or "square". Not knowing or understanding heroin addiction is a blessing. It's a good thing to be in the dark about certain things because it means you're smarter than people like me.

Be proud of the fact you don't automatically see why these blind items are total nonsense from the start. And if you aren't proud of yourself, just know I am proud AF of you. For those of you like myself who have been through the hell of addiction, remember we do recover. With all that being said, let's get going.

You see, anyone with firsthand experience or knowledge of true heroin addiction would automatically know these rumors are absolutely ridiculous. Why? Because heroin addiction doesn't work that way.

Now don't get me wrong. The world is filled with functioning closet addicts. I myself was a functioning closet addict for years before the world was any the wiser. The key point, though, is the world did eventually get wiser.

Heroin addiction usually starts out in one of a few ways. Most Americans addicted to heroin became that way because of prescription painkillers. For example, I first got addicted to pain pills. When the pain pills became impossible to get, I took what I could get that was the closest equivalent. That was heroin.

But some people start using heroin because they did some at a party with friends. Or they have a loved one addicted and wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Some people are hooked on other drugs, like cocaine or ecstasy, and their usual dealer offers a free sample of the latest batch of heroin. There's a saying among addicts; "The first one's free."

Dealers know they can increase their profitability if they can get established clients addicted to other products they traffic. But these are just a few examples of how people get started using heroin. Very rarely does anyone start out on heroin simply because they want to stay thin. Contrary to the popular belief known to many as "heroin chic" that came from supermodels in the mid 80s and 90s.

Heroin is what addicts refer to as a euphoria narcotic. It has a euphoric effect, and it is sometimes called a "downer". Cocaine, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, or amphetamines are called "uppers" or "speeders" because they stimulate the brain and give energy. While heroin can have that affect on people, it is not the traditional go-to for illicit weight management.

In other words, if Catherine really did use microdosing (a concept I will debunk in a moment), her first, best choice would be a stimulant like cocaine because it's much more effective at appetite suppression and providing energy. Heroin wouldn't be the first, best choice for many reasons.

Because of its nature, heroin is highly addictive. Most users begin snorting the drug in powder form. Within seconds to a minute, the substance enters the bloodstream and hits the brain. The brain then releases endorphins that travel the rewards pathway in the brain. The first time one uses heroin is the highest they will ever feel from using. Every subsequent dose releases less and less endorphins in the brain. This is why recovering addicts talk about chasing their sobriety like they chased their first high. This is also why microdosing is an almost-impossible behavior.

Microdosing means taking tiny, small amounts over time. Meaning that you only use the minimum amount to achieve the effect you desire. But the problem is, your brain becomes physically dependent on the substance over time. Every time an addict uses, the brain gets more dependent on that substance to function. So, while a non-addict's brain has no issues with their brain producing endorphins, an addict's brain does. This is why heroin is so addictive.

Eventually, a heroin addict's brain will become so reliant on heroin to produce endorphins, the addict will become entirely dependent. This is also known as becoming hooked. When the addict doesn't have the minimum amount of heroin the body is accustomed to, or depending upon, the addict will start withdrawal. This is often called being "dope sick" or "detoxing".

Detoxing or being dope sick is the driving force behind addicts staying addicts. Being dope sick is the biggest fear of an addict. So much so, the fear of detoxing is enough to drive otherwise good, decent human beings to doing absolutely whatever it takes to avoid detoxing. Stealing from loved ones, manipulating innocent bystanders, lying, cheating, robbing, selling your body... are the half of it.

Being dope sick is like having the worst flu of your life times a million. You will vomit, have uncontrollable diarrhea, and your body will hurt worse than anything you could ever imagine. If you detox for more than a day, you will begin to feel like your insides are shaking, burning, and pulling apart inside. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't get out of bed. You miss work and lose your job (if you still have one at this point). You get desperate before this point, and you get carnal after this point.

Your brain and entire body becomes dependent on this substance to function subpar. Without this substance, everything begins to stop working properly. Depending on exactly how much you use normally, your withdrawal can become life threatening. You can have seizures, strokes, or even go into cardiac arrest. Hopefully you can see by now why I say the concept of microdosing is ridiculous.

To be able to micro dose would require the self control and willpower of a super human. This reminds me of an article I once read about a college professor who advocated for drug use. He claimed he wasn't addicted, had control of his drug use, and was a productive member of society. He said he'd use heroin like others drink after a long day of work. Yet, he's been using it for over a decade. Yet, he experienced detoxing. That professor is a prime example of an addict in denial. But I digress...

My points are this:

1. Heroin wouldn't be the first choice for weight control or appetite suppression; cocaine or stimulants like meth or ritalin would be.

2. Microdosing is an almost-impossible method of drug use because the body gets hooked quickly. Which means the dose will only increase in amount in order to have the same effects over time.

3. Heroin causes an addiction that results in serious, life threatening withdrawal that drives even the nicest person to doing the worst of the worst.

4. Heroin addiction, even in small amounts, takes no time to invade and overtake one's life. It literally only takes one time to get hooked. It literally takes no time to destroy everything.

Oh, and one more thing before I put a sock in it... at the height of my active addiction, I was using around 2 grams a day to feel normal. I spent at minimum $200 a day on heroin. Sometimes even more. When I started out, I was only using a tenth or less. It takes 10 of those to make a gram. So within two months of starting, I went from doing one tenth to needing 20 of those tenths just to feel normal and function. All the while, I never got smaller than 150 pounds.

I know it sounds terrible, but I would lament over how unfair it was. I was doing all this heroin, and I was still thick AF. I would literally joke to fellow addicts I would use with how it was total bullshit. How was it I was using 2 grams a day and still a size 12 or 14? That's how sick I was in my disease. Which is my final point.

Not everyone on heroin is "heroin chic" skinny. The effort, will power, and self control it would take to "microdose" would be far greater than what it would take to control one's diet and exercise. Plus it would be much cheaper to hire a trainer than employ a drug dealer.

I hope this very long, detailed, winded post gives better insight to the deeper reasons the blind item is so dumb. I also hope it gives insight to the real life of heroin addiction. My goal was, and is, to provide real examples to the blind item's absurdity. If I can help people better understand heroin addiction, potentially deterring someone from ever touching it or even a loved one learning something that could help someone they know struggling with addiction... well that would be a bonus.

P.S. If you or a loved one you know is struggling with addiction, there is help out there. If you have any questions or just need someone to listen, please feel free to message me. I will do my best to help. I've been there. They say the only way to keep your sobriety is by giving it away... I have plenty to give. Be forewarned, though, I am unapologetically blunt and honest to a fault. I mean no harm, but I will not sugar coat anything.

[codenamesazanka]

GETEN (Part 1)

What a cool guy. He’s great! Let’s count the ways:

(in this issue: what his deal is, his position in the MLA, his powerful Meta Ability)

I absolutely love this kid and his arrogance, his rage and eagerness to wreck shit, and his feelings of love/attachment/devotion/whatever-it-is to ReDestro.

Not a lot has been revealed about Geten, but what we do know points to him being the Meta Liberation Army’s prodigious star. He’s young - looks about the same age as the younger members of the League (Toga, Spinner, Shigaraki), but it seems he’s already rose up the ranks of the Army to become someone the Supreme Commander took noticed of (and trained), as well as let into the leaders’ inner circle. (Even allowed to eat dinner with them, despite his terrible table manners.) 

ReDestro only ever had good words about Geten, confident in the ice brat’s power, and praising him as ‘central to the Meta Liberation Army’s success’.

The rank-and-file members of the army uses the honorific ‘-sama’ for the leaders - and for Geten. Loosely translated, ‘-sama’ can be ‘lord/lady’, essentially the address for someone who’s got a much higher social status can you. It’s not commonly used in modern Japan (nor in HeroAcaLand), so it’s significant enough for Spinner to note that the MLA followers ‘have great respect for them’ (one translations says: “worship their leaders like gods.”) 

And it’s not unwarranted! He’s pretty powerful. His quirk Meta Ability allows him to manipulate ice, all ice, and apparently all aspects of it. 

Geten can make an ice platform that essentially gives him the ability to fly; he can form shapes like that sick dragon up there, or giant claws, or just a huge spiky ice wall. The range of his control is big, if he can summon ice from houses from all over town. 

Most important, is that his Meta Ability had evolved sometime in the past - and now he can control ice’s temperature, allowing him to freeze water long as he can plunk an ice cube into the water, thereby creating more ice. Extrapolating from that, this means as long as Geten has a bit of ice and access to water, he’s secured a possibly never-ending source of his power. 

I think the fact that he targeted Dabi as his opponent, despite the obvious weakness his ice has to Dabi’s high-temperature flames, means he was looking for a challenge. Trying to show off, trying to prove that he can go up against his greatest enemy (as in, heat and fire) and come out on top. As he says:

Looking for ways to grow stronger, using his Meta Ability as best as he can, to its limits; and making that his life’s purpose. 

But after Chapter 271, where he proved himself to know some tactics (maybe), I wonder if it was also a strategic decision, targeting Dabi. Dabi’s the League’s only long-ranged fighter; his huge flames can cause a lot of damage while keeping his opponents at a distance; and should he be allowed to start a blaze, it might have engulfed the whole town.

Geten, despite his ice, is able to fight Dabi at a distance; able to ‘absorb’ fire damage, and snuff it out; and able to occupy Dabi’s attention, preventing him from mass incinerating other MLA soldiers. It’s a guess, but I think it’s worth considering. 

Ice brat isn’t to be taken lightly! No wonder he was also made a Lieutenant in charge of a regiment after the Paranormal Liberation Front was created.

[This post was suddenly cut short because tumblr told me I reached my 10 images limit. Screw you tumblr, how dare you interrupt my long-ass rambling about stuff people already know. Anyways, Part 2 - War Arc/Chapter 271 specifically - will be up soon.

Thanks for reading!]

[sienna-writes]

3, 9, 13, and 15 pls!!

—3; what order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favourite scenes first? Something else?

Oh gosh... My writing process is so messy! I do, primarily, write linearly. However... When I get stuck/I'm finding a scene or chapter difficult I move to later events in the novel or more exciting scenes. Sometimes this even helps me work through the block! I pants, so sometimes the future scenes help me figure out what might have happened in the previous scenes I'm stuck on!

As I say, I do tend to write linearly. However, for context, the first 21673 words are chronological, and the next 7223 consist of future scenes, and a half finished chapter :")

—9; what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

listen to music! brainstorm! romantisice my characters and plot in my head to hype myself up! go through my pinterest boards! watch writing vlogs!

—13; your strengths as an author!

Imagery! My poetry is very imagery heavy, and my prose is too. Maybe too flowery?

It's simultaneously my strength and weakness, I've been focusing lately on fine tuning and cleaning up my prose so I can strike the right balance. I'm really happy with my writing style at the moment. It's undergone alot of change in the past months, I feel like now I have the time to write (and read!!!) I've been improving rapidly.

—15; why did you start writing?

This question doesn't really have a distinct answer! When I was younger before I could write properly I was obsessed with the idea of being able to write, and I still have a notebook from that time (I must have been five or six) full of scribbles. My parents told me I would look around me and scribble as if I were a reporter, which I thought was really funny.

When we were learning how to write in school, whenever I got home I would spend hours and hours and hours practising my handwriting, copying out entire books (mainly Dr Seuss because I loved him), and doodling and writing completely incoherent stories.

I would devour books when I got better at reading, and then I'd just write constantly whenever I had the time. And then, honestly, I kind of... Stopped? When I got to high school I was so paralysingly anxious and dissociated and going through stuff that I didn't have time or the energy to write anymore. The only thing I'd write were journal entries trying to make sense of what I was going through. Then I found POETRY!! this is so cringe, and everyone says this, but it saved me somewhat! I absolutely adore poetry! It's my favourite form to write in, for SURE.

The only prose writing I'd do until I was about fifteen (we took a three fuckin year break lads, whEW) would be for school. Eventually, I got back to it, and started writing flash fiction and short stories, which I also love. And now I'm writing SO much! literally SO MUCH! I'm so proud of myself, I've improved alot, I'm finally finding my style without the restrictions of assignments. I'm writing my first novel! I've finished the poetry collection I started in January!

I'm an incredibly anxious, underconfident person. I am terrible in social situations, I don't really have any close friends, I've left high school now (onto college for me thank GOD!) but I would eat my lunch in the toilets alone to escape the noise and *bullying*. Email is the only way I could talk to teachers, for a long time. Writing has always been my safety net, the way I could communicate, and my teachers have always complimented me on it. (Bless all English teachers honestly, absolute SWEETHEARTS!)

sorry for rambling, woAh!

(This ask was from a while ago, sorry to the anon who asked these, I didn’t feel it was right to post writing related stuff while much more poignant and important discussions were being had. That being said, the black lives matter movement needs to maintain momentum, even if its not a “trending” issue. People should always be active in standing up against injustice or predjudice etc. I haven’t been as outspoken on this platform as perhaps I should have been, however, I have been donating, signing petitions, and speaking out primarily on my instagram where I have a much larger following than I do here. Only 49 people follow my tumblr (I’m a newbie writeblr screaming into the void), whereas 853 people follow my instagram. I have been doing my bit, I promise, and I will continue to do so, as my platform on Instagram is generally where I am most of the time. It’s also where I share posts related to feminism, lgbtq issues, disability, mental illness, poc issues etc.)

[neoneidolon]

one year - 1/ 2/20

It’s been a year since I started this blog!

Most of you probably know that this blog holds the OC continuation of the story I started as a canon character on cubicscubedemon. The history hasn’t changed; Morpho uses what used to be their nickname back on the old blog, and they reference things that happened back when they were Amorphous Shape, so they are definitely still the same person, but they were such a tiny presence in their old canon that I feel comfortable calling them my OC now.

So! We’re basically in the epilogue, I think! After a series of huge pushes, they left their Boss and started a new life in hiding. They had a run-in with their homeworld, picked up a sibling by accident, reconnected with an old friend, made some new ones. The nature of their relationships is different now. They’ve come a long way. So what now?

Well, first of all I want to say I’m not planning on quitting yet. There are still things I want to do, or at least lay down the groundwork for happening later in the unwritten bits of Morpho’s life. Because I know how their story is going to end. I probably won’t write it here, because that’s at least a few decades in the future we’re talking about and this blog operates on sorta kinda real-ish time, but it’s a nice bittersweet ending I keep in mind. It was never going to end the way Morph *wants*, but they’ll be happy regardless, I promise.

More Things That Have Happened:

-- they started living on Earth! exactly what the version of me who ran the old blog swore up and down would never happen in the default “verse”/timeline. Past me is eating their words right now

-- on a semi-related note, wow, this blog has been running for a year and still hasn’t gained any alternate verse tags? that’s kind of impressive

-- so now when I read through the old blog archive it’s going to be an organization nightmare figuring out if the version of Morpho in a given post is the same one as in this blog or not

-- I straight up forgot that Morpho already knew their timeline’s version of their Boss was dead. In the kidnapping event, Bill told them that and they reacted like it was new information. It wasn’t. I’m just an idiot who doesn’t read the archive enough.

-- Morpho is now: 10-20% more honest! 40% more emotionally open! 4% more humble! 80% deeper into their destiny as the local eldritch witchy grandma/eccentric uncle who has seven dozen other dimensions on speed-dial!

-- they’re still working on letting go of their need to be the “better version” of their ex-Boss, but what happened in Hyperspaceland went a long, long way in proving to them that the Multiverse can have wildly unlikely good things happen in it, and that they can make a positive difference without having to do it the way they had impressed upon them for years.

-- plus, they now have friends and acquaintances who are “weird” like them, who have managed to make good lives for themselves without having to be subject to dimensional power struggles and other unwanted cosmic nonsense. They didn’t think being able to “retire”/live quietly was really possible for people like themself, so seeing otherwise is really good for them. They don’t think directly about this, though, it’s subconscious.

-- but they still have a long way to go and a lot of deep-seated issues to unravel, and now they have to raise their time-clone twin sibling and pray they don’t mess the kid up.

Things I’d Like to Happen, Either Written Here or Not:

-- Morph letting go of their instinct to manipulate situations to their favor, and also their tendency to make things more difficult by lying

-- Morpho letting go of the assumption that most people have ulterior motives, even if their history demonstrates that they have a good reason to believe that

-- Beta growing up, working out how they are and are not Morpho, simultaneously

-- Morpho reaching a point where they can be trusted to not (usually) try using people for their own personal gain, so they can finally go back to their real calling (teaching) properly this time

I worry a lot about whether I keep things consistent here, if Morpho’s still the same person they were two years ago or one year ago. They seem happier, anyway. I don’t think they would be as happy if I was just shearing off unpalatable parts of them out of misplaced fear. At the same time, they are always going to be a little bit awful!

And what about Beta? I keep saying we’re near the end, but just as Morpho’s coming in on the close of their development, Beta’s is just beginning, under totally different circumstances as her elder twin. Life as the soul of a magical alien spirit thing, in the body of an earthly creature, isn’t going to be easy for her. If I wanted, I could lean all the focus on her and get a whole new narrative out of it.

That brings me to something else I wanted to talk about. So if you’ve followed me for a while, you know this about me: for better or for worse, I always have a narrative arc in mind. There are good things and bad things about that approach, and it’s pretty easy to screw up, especially where other people are involved. And the problem with characters who develop is that it is totally possible to develop them too much, to extend their story so far that they become somebody who doesn’t resemble who they were originally. I’m worried about this happening with Morph. I’m also worried about this blog just becoming an endless series of me coming up with some arbitrary new conflict or danger or drama every time I get bored of describing their mundane life. I don’t want to bore anyone. (I know, the wisdom is to RP for yourself and your own fun, but it still involves other people and also, I need to entertain, otherwise what is the point of my story?)

This blog is... might end before this time this year. I say might, it’s not that I don’t enjoy anymore and want to quit. After that? I don’t know. Starting an art blog on Tumblr feels kind of pointless now since the platform is dying, and RP is one of the major reasons I stick around since I don’t really use my personal blog much anymore. If I don’t write here, I feel like I’m going to slip away from a lot of friends. I don’t want to lose you all. I could start a new muse, Beta or someone else, but...

I want to do something different, too.

And that brings me to the last (I think) thing, which is what form Morpho’s story might take next. Because if I DO end this blog before the beginning of next year, I wouldn’t be done with Morph by a long shot. I love them too much and there’s too much of me I sunk into them. So what would I do?

Well, I was hoping to spin a web thing with words and pictures. ...I think I’m just going to call it a web serial. No intention of ever formally publishing it. It would be the same basic arc again, but more polished and with all the Gravity Falls filed off a backstory and setting that is more original to me, plus additional new plot things and side characters. Definitely taking place in a Multiverse, though, how could it not?

coming up with a villain to replace Bill Cipher has been basically impossible but Morpho’s story can’t function without somebody in that role

Maybe this is misguided of me, maybe it will fail to launch, or launch and then fail, and attempting to run it alongside this blog is an almost guaranteed terrible idea, but I want to do it. Morpho is never going to get a book series or a TV show, so this is what I have for them. It could be pretty interesting if it works. They feel ready. And most importantly I know I can tell this long rambly story and finish it, because I’ve already done it, here with the help of a bunch of writers--friends-- that I admire. Morpho wouldn’t have made it this far without you.

When is it coming? I don’t really know. Work on the first installments is happening, but it’s slow, and there’s key things I don’t know yet. Most of it is going to be flying by the seat of my pants, making it up as I go (but y’know, making it up better, with slightly less improvisation than I usually employ here). I’m graduating from community college in mid March of this year, which is going to be a major life change that is probably going to turn my life completely upside down. Maybe I will suddenly not have any time for creating anything, be it an RP blog or a web serial, much less both! haha I’m terrified 

But with luck, I’m hoping that what I am tentatively calling Amos vs. Everything will be out soon. Like, really soon. Some point between late January and when I graduate. (Now I just have to A. figure out where I’m hosting this thing and B. graduate. It would be really embarrassing if I flunked out of my last semester of school.)

I can see it now: somebody going “who the heck is ‘Amos’? The main character’s name is Morpho!” and I will smile and say ‘wait and see’ because they don’t know, but you. You all know.

And that’s about it! This is but a small and humble blog, and I like it that way. I appreciate every one of you who are here at time of writing. For the ones I don’t manage to interact with much-- I’m useless and shy. Poke me, reasonably. If you’re just here to spectate, that’s cool too. :D For the ones who come write here a lot, or did once-- you built this house.

Okay I should stop now or I’ll be sitting here forever! I can’t believe you read all this! Thank you all for everything and Happy New Year!

[thebookishgoddess]

ELLA DISCUSSES: AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT - AN INTERVIEW WITH ELIZABETH TAMMI

Hello everyone! Today, I’m going to talk about a new author that I’m sure you’ll all love simply based off the amazing synopsis she has for her book. Her name’s Elizabeth Tammi, author of Outrun The Wind, a mythology-inspired sapphic novel based off the Greek female warrior, Atalanta, to be released on November 27, 2018! If that doesn’t spark up your interest yet, I don’t know what does!

I have had the utmost pleasure of interviewing her about her upcoming novel, her journey into writing it and a fair little advice for any aspiring authors out there. But first, we all have to wonder--who exactly is Elizabeth Tammi?

Elizabeth Tammi was born in California and grew up in Florida, but is currently double-majoring in Creative Writing and Journalism as an undergraduate at Mercer University in Georgia. When she’s not writing, you can probably find Elizabeth at rehearsal for one of her vocal ensembles, or at work for her university’s newspaper and literary magazine. Her other interests include traveling, caffeinated beverages, and mythology. Outrun the Wind is her debut novel. (Taken from Goodreads)

Honestly, I am so impressed because the fact that she can handle university and writing an entire novel tells us so much about her dedication as both a student and writer. And it definitely shows how she definitely must have put all her heart into writing that she got a book deal not long after. 

But enough of my rambling and awe. Read on to see my interview with the amazing Elizabeth Tammi!

What inspired you to write Outrun The Wind? 

Spite, honestly! I was simultaneously captivated and frustrated by Atalanta's original mythology, and wanted to tell my own interpretation! Plus, I had lots of other interests about Greek mythology that I wanted to explore via long-form fiction, like the huntresses of Artemis, relationships between the gods, and the oracles at Delphi.

What makes Outrun The Wind unique from every other mythology-inspired novel? 

I think-- or hope, at least-- that Outrun the Wind stands out because of its exploration of a lesser-known myth and deals heavily with themes like female strength, sexuality, and is told from the perspective of two teenage girls. It's a younger and female twist on a mythology that isn't very kind to women, so I hope readers enjoy that point of view.

Who is your favorite non-main character from your book and why? 

Probably Nikoleta, a demigoddess daughter of Ares who also serves Artemis as one of her huntresses. Nikoleta has a super deep personal connection to me, because the very first draft of a book I ever finished was actually her story of growing up in ancient Sparta with quite a harrowing destiny; while that first manuscript was pretty terrible, I still have hopes of returning to it someday, and I was so glad that she got to make an appearance in Outrun the Wind-- it feels very fitting, since she's been with me from the start of my writing journey.

Who or what inspired you to start writing? 

My parents really raised me as an avid reader, so I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't love books. As early as about seven years old, I knew I wanted to write my own. Now, I didn't actually start writing seriously until I was about 16. Prior to that was just some random snippets, and of course, some fanfiction haha (which was actually, looking back, a great way to learn how to structure scenes, dialogue, descriptions, etc. in an environment I felt comfortable in)! Anyway, I think being surrounded by so many fantastic YA stories growing up just really pushed me to try writing my own. Obviously, Rick Riordan was probably my biggest 'hero', but other authors like Leigh Bardugo, Kiersten White, and Maggie Stiefvater also definitely inspired me!

Tell us what the journey was like in writing Outrun The Wind, from the start of the idea up to the point of having it published. 

This whole journey with Outrun the Wind actually only spans about 2.5 years from first getting the idea to the book being published on November 27, 2018-- which felt like forever, but ask any other author, and they'll tell you this was ridiculously fast haha. I got the initial idea when I was 18, the summer before I left for college, since I had been reading up on more Greek mythology and stumbled across Atalanta. She was a character I knew a bit about, but after reading her whole story, I was left feeling instilled with some sort of purpose/passion to tell her story as I imagined it. I drafted the first terrible version during the first semester of freshman year, worked with my critique partners, and started sending it off to various publishers and agents during the end of my freshman year. 

Ultimately, Flux offered me a book deal last fall, during my sophomore year. From then, I went through three rounds of edits with my fabulous editor to make sure the book was ready for publication, and the very final version was sent off this past March. Then ARCs went out in May, and are being read/reviewed as we speak, in preparation for its official release date of November 27th-- nearing the end of my fall semester of junior year! Whew. Looking back, I know this was actually really fast from start-to-finish, partially because I'm a somewhat quick writer, and partially because I'm not with a Big Five publishing house. But when I was in the thick of it, it felt like there was so much waiting involved. That's just the publishing industry though!

If you could tell your younger writing self anything, what would it be? 

Start sooner! I know 16 isn't old by any means, but it frustrates me that I knew I wanted to be an author by the time I was seven...but it took me almost a decade to start pursuing it seriously! I keep thinking what more I could have accomplished already if I'd started when I said I wanted to, haha. But that's okay, I'm glad to be doing it now. The moral is, if anyone reading this wants to be an author, there's no better day to start than today!

Writing a book is no easy feat. What's the one advice you wish you had upon writing your novel that you could give to aspiring writers wanting to get their work out there? 

You're so right-- there's really nothing easy about writing a book, but it's a challenge that I get joy out of. Anyway, I do wish someone had told me when I first started writing my own novels that comparison is so, so toxic, frustrating, and pointless. In this industry specifically, every author has their own struggles and had their own path to publication, so it's impossible to try and compare successes. Every single writer feels insecure to a degree and that's not going to go away once you get a book deal. It's important to be disciplined and consistent, but also remember that this isn't a race, and you should never rush into something that feels sketchy or uncomfortable. If you're querying, do extensive research on where you're sending your work out to!

It has been such a honor interviewing this incredible author! Let’s get a glimpse of her amazing debut novel, and what Outrun The Wind is really about:

The Huntresses of Artemis must obey two rules: never disobey the goddess, and never fall in love. After being rescued from a harrowing life as an Oracle of Delphi, Kahina is glad to be a part of the Hunt; living among a group of female warriors gives her a chance to reclaim her strength, even while her prophetic powers linger. But when a routine mission goes awry, Kahina breaks the first rule in order to save the legendary huntress Atalanta. To earn back Artemis’s favor, Kahina must complete a dangerous task in the kingdom of Arkadia— where the king’s daughter is revealed to be none other than Atalanta. Still reeling from her disastrous quest and her father’s insistence on marriage, Atalanta isn’t sure what to make of Kahina. As her connection to Atalanta deepens, Kahina finds herself in danger of breaking Artemis’ second rule. She helps Atalanta devise a dangerous game to avoid marriage, and word spreads throughout Greece, attracting suitors willing to tempt fate to go up against Atalanta in a race for her hand. But when the men responsible for both the girls’ dark pasts arrive, the game turns deadly.

Again, you guys, Outrun The Wind comes out on November 27, 2018! Copies are available over at NetGalley to request for if you can’t wait to read it. I myself am quite excited to read this book because you all know I have such a soft heart for anything mythology-related! Make sure to click that Want To Read on Goodreads! ;)

You can follow Elizabeth Tammi on many of her social media platforms such as Tumblr at (annabethisterrified), Twitter at (@ElizabethTammi), Instagram at (elizabeth_tammi), and at elizabethtammi.com!

[ellipticalcortex]

After playing through Hiveswap Act 2, and reading a bit about the controversies since I haven’t kept up with its production at all, I can see why people are upset with it, though as usual I feel some people are being a bit too harsh with it.

I’m gonna add a read-more just in case this ends up in any tags, don’t want a rambling post clogging up anything! This is mostly focused on my thoughts about Act 2, not so much about fan reactions as that first bit might imply.

The whole not crediting workers thing is terrible, I agree with that. Their excuse about not encouraging harassment sounds reasonable on paper, but the trade off of straight up not crediting people and the implication that they’re covering their own ass is just too much. I don’t know enough about the situation to form any real in-depth opinion about it, but man... I just hope WP gets their shit together soon if they haven’t by now.

However, I don’t think that WP’s messy internal affairs are enough to dismiss the game altogether like I’ve seen people doing. Personally, I had tons of fun with the game and thought its writing was fine, despite the game’s flaws, and from what I’ve seen here on Tumblr, from articles online, and from player reviews, the majority of people seem to feel the same, which is relieving.

The entire game was a blast to play! I actually got all the way to the end of the trial before deciding that I wanted a particular ending and went back to play the entirety of Act 1 just so I could import a completed save with the batteries, and I think it was worth it! I uninstalled Act 1 shortly after I played it 3 years ago, but it was nice to get a refresher. It let me appreciate Joey and Xefros in the parts I played and replayed during Act 2 a lot more. It also gave me the opportunity to go and inspect things from Xefros’s perspective, which I didn’t start doing until I was on the train during my first run.

I’m not going to lie, this game made me like Joey a little bit less and Xefros a bit more. This was by no fault of the game, just me getting to know the characters better and forming a more solid opinion. In Act 1, Joey felt very “little girl, big sister” to me which was adorable, but removed from her home and from Jude she lost that a bit. Her relationship with Xefros is really nice though! Seeing her urge him to make certain realizations about Dammek was sweet. I’m also wondering how long it’ll be until her comphet wears off and she realizes she can h*ld h*nds with other g*rls.

Xefros though... this game just solidified him even more as “son boy”. Usually I don’t feel this way about characters, but he really feels like a young teen to me! I guess it’s sort of the same feeling I get about my own little sister who is about his age. It helps that I enjoyed all the character animations a lot in this, and his trial sprite was especially nice, even if he didn’t show up during it all that much. Watching him try to process everything he’s seeing about his own culture and about how others deal with interpersonal relationships hurt a lot, too... and that bit near the very end was shocking, but sadly familiar. That was incredibly rough to watch.

Now, as for the game itself, it certainly did feel different from Act 1. From what I understand, a lot of content got cut out of it, like meeting Charun and Zebede. That is really disappointing, but I was fine with what we got. One thing I really don’t get is everyone complaining about the bee game. Just put your fingers on the corresponding keys! I guess it would be hard doing that whole thing with your mouse like it suggests, but I switched over after the tutorial and it immediately clicked, like, to the point that I want to play more rhythm games with that specific set up of vertical visuals and inputs. The music was really fun too. I didn’t even realize Xefros was beatboxing during it until my second time through, after I saw James Raoch comment about it! That was a really cute touch, the mental image of Xefros beatboxing while Joey does her weird little bee dance.

Before I get into the rest of the game, I guess I’ll address how the supporting cast is written in this. From what I understand, these are each of the Friendsim trolls’ original personalities, written before Friendsim ever came out. While looking through the tag on here, I saw people were super frustrated and even angry about this, expecting them to go back and rewrite these characters... after they even had to cut entire characters from the game... I don’t know, I can understand where these criticisms are coming from, but Hiveswap Friendsim is still there if you want to see their more developed counterparts. As the trolls exist in this game, they’re more so their bulletpoints of personality that you don’t even see that much of. Personally, I enjoy seeing the differences, and makes me appreciate Friendsim even more! There were a couple of spots where I /was/ disappointed with them though, specifically with Fozzer and Boldir... Boldir at least has the animation where she looks at the player and talks about the... universal re-convergence? Was that it? While Fozzer says and does nothing of import. I somehow expected them to be something more with what their roles were in Friendsim. The same can be said of Marvus, I suppose. But overall the characters remained largely the same, and you don’t speak to many of them for long anyhow.

The ticket machine area didn’t have much to it, especially in terms of interactions, which I would have hoped would be fleshed out a bit in lieu of narrative importance. Fozzer didn’t add much, you were seeing Folkyl again later anyways, and I have no idea what that other teal’s reason for being there was. The couple of tracks that loop in this area getting constantly cut off by an announcer was pretty funny though.

The loading platform was I think my favorite area in the game. I liked how the characters were presented, and how they interacted. “Gaegrl Elwurd” or whatever she said was incredibly funny, and now that I type it out I realize that the name she uses is probably supposed to be “L-Word” or lesbian. Feel silly for not realizing that earlier. Anyhoo I still despise Zebruh even if he’s incredibly funny, especially that walk cycle. I didn’t get the scene where Marvus blows a kiss at him though in either of my runs, which is sad. Is that another way to give him confidence besides the mic? I hope so. The bit with Chixie was nice too, as was Marvus’s introduction. I liked the tip-off where he said he knew Joey would be able to get onto the train. I think there’s a bit more left for me to do in that area, though I’ll leave it for when I inevitably have to replay Act 2 whenever Act 3 comes out so I can save some item or other.

The Burgundy/Bronze car had my favorite of the Ticket to Ride tracks, probably because it was the base for all the others, and its origin story is pretty funny. I really wish there had been more interactions with the trolls presented. Diemen was a joke character even in Friendsim, but I wish Joey hadn’t completely dismissed Vikare who had I think my favorite sprite/idle animation in the game. The convo with Skylla was nice though I fear for her lusus now, and Marsti was about what I expected. While I was going through the game I had a guide up mostly because of the trial and it was funny to see how the author referred to the characters. I couldn’t tell if they hadn’t read Homestuck before this or just skipped Friendsim, but how they referred to some of the characters was pretty funny, like calling Skylla a zookeeper, or thinking Marsti was a guy for some reason. I guess she was never referred to much in the third person, so that’s fair.

The Yellow/Olive car had my least favorite Ticket to Ride track, mostly because I’m not a big fan of chip tune and think the Olives should have been represented in the song as well. Folkyl and Kuprum were still super funny even if they didn’t have much to add past introducing the player to their blood color’s traditional role. Polypa and Boldir were neat, and I loved the scenes with Azdaja and Konyyl! The part where Xefros floors Azdaja after he hurt Joey was stunning, especially after seeing how powerful he really is through Friendsim. It wouldn’t surprise me if bugandies’ and bronzes’ powers were much stronger than they realize but triggered by emotion or something and that’s part of the reason they’re so downtrodden, to keep them depressed and placid, which would also tie into the supposed purpose of lime bloods.

I had a lot of fun in the Jade/Teal car, even if it /did/ drag on a bit too long like I’ve seen a lot of people say. Its rendition of Ticket to Ride rubbed me the wrong way, too, though mostly a certain part of it, and it might just be because I listened to it for so long. I liked how each of the characters were presented, as well as all of the drama. I saw some people criticizing this part as just being the Jades throwing venom at one another and... yeah? They are? I don’t see why that’s bad, it was to exemplify toxic interpersonal relationships and to show that even the trolls’ caregiver caste could still be terrible. Anyways, the first time I went around I didn’t have the battery nor the pogs which I traded for tickets earlier, but I only realized I needed them when I got to the recess. I’d been experiencing several bugs in this room specifically, including Xefros’s trial sprite disappearing, the screen becoming solid black after accusing someone, and basic dialogue bugging out. This was all very frustrating. Also, while I did end up having fun with the trial, it was a slog to figure out. I enjoy the Ace Attorney games, but what I like the least are the leaps in logic you have to make when figuring what to present and where. This trial took that aspect and made it five times worse. I did love having Tyzias by Joey’s side though, and the ending I got was super worth it. I’m still not sure who did it. I saw a video of Lanque chucking Joey off the train, so I guess it was him? Though I don’t know how or any of the specifics. I know you can implicate Lynera too as a scapegoat.

The Cobalt/Indigo car was pretty underwhelming. I’m sad I only remembered to click on Galehk’s footnotes after I’d done his task. That whole sequence was very funny through, and I’m curious to see the other ways you could’ve gotten through. All of the characters were pretty fun, and I loved seeing Elwurd again and having her save Joey from Ardata and all. Xefros and Joey’s conversation about the revolution afterwards was really nice too.

The clown car was, understandably, horrifying. I’m going to be hearing that stock honk for the rest of eternity. It was a very fun room, and its gimmick was super interesting. I loved the animations for the wheel! I also didn’t realize that the uh, clown religion involved the red and green snakes, though it makes sense that they do. I looked back at some backgrounds for Friendsim, and while Chahut’s clown church didn’t have the red and green, Marvus’s festival DID have red and green balloons, which was interesting. This entire sequence was incredibly tense, obviously trying to make you worry it would land on Burgandy. I’m also curious about some of the alternate stuff you could do during this, like that video with Tegiri being dramatic. Also, seeing Xefros kill Baizli was super upsetting, and I think another spot where having played Friendsim could make this game a little frustrating, since in Friendsim Barzum and Baizli are just lost, fun-loving clown twins that never directly kill MSPA reader. It was surprising to see Baizli come out and approach Joey alone. It was also terrible to see what Baizli dying did to Barzum. I wonder if that’s the last we’ll see of Marvus... I’ll be disappointed if it is. It feels like he should be more important.

Now, that last section I’ll admit was pretty bad. Literally the only action section in the game and you get so little direction and nothing interesting really happens. I did in fact use a guide for this because I simply did not care. It was a super anti climactic ending sequence.

And of course, there was the train blowing up and Joey and Xefros being impeded again. There was that droopy looking dragon thingy? That shot something suspiciously bright green at the train. It’s also curious how Chahut and Marvus seem mostly disinterested or at least unrattled by the explosion.

Well, that was... a review of the whole game! I loved it a lot, even if it wasn’t what it could have been. It had some bugs, which were annoying, and issues with content, a lot of which I’m willing to chalk up to the crew getting shuffled around and people leaving and the while switch over to Viz Media. Of course, there is once again the issue of people not getting credited. But, despite all of this, I think Act 2 was an enjoyable game, and I think there was love put into it, even if the people who put love into it were put in unfair and shitty situations because of WP. I’m hoping that things have straightened out with them after that fiasco and that Act 3 will turn out a bit better, and hopefully sooner than Act 2!

[caoimhinn]

Moonlight doth shine ever clear upon still rivers.

Let this be the last post in this blog.

It’s been a very long time since my last entry. I want to say that some things came up and I got busy... but this is not the time for excuses.

I have neglected many things despite being given much. And I have continued in my complacency for months on end. In my heart, no words can form but the silence of nascent remorse. For all I have done is run away, once more, from the reality of the feelings I hold for writing, for people, for life itself.

It seems nothing has changed, and before I wallow in the sea of my own regret I am reminded of a phrase I had a character of mine echo:

“Wala akong karapatang manghinayang sa mga bagay na hindi ko pinaghirapan.”

I don’t know how I feel about this phrase at all. It is double-minded, sinister, and ambiguous. It is like the moon, changing its face as it is obscured by darkness. But much like the moon, its beauty can only be viewed when its essence is brought to light. Now, I don’t see it as a phrase that implied one’s disregarding way to sourgrape a defeat, but rather a somber acceptance of one’s failings in meeting expectations. Perhaps this is all but mere sophistry, but the point still stands that issues and events may be interpreted differently if one so chooses.

I guess at this point, I’m just rambling... trying to piece together what is already broken... and realizing in the final analysis that something or someone so finite cannot hope to restore anything at all. I also know I’m not making a lot of sense here, and I most definitely made some logical leaps without any notice, but I think it’s better that way. Hm, feels better that way.

I’ll keep writing, but in some other blog. I think I’ll be using another platform for my journal, but I’ll still be here in Tumblr to check out stuff from time to time. Probably won’t be as active though (not like I was active before lol).

To my friends who knew about this blog and read its contents from time to time: I hope you’re all still doing well despite us not being in touch. I miss you all dearly, the times we had were the best times of my youth I will forever cherish.

To you who I’ve met during the death throes of this blog: Thank you for the kind words, and I’m sorry for being such a terrible correspondent. I know you’re not in Tumblr anymore, so this is just me whispering to the wind, but I always wanted to tell you that I really loved our correspondence. Our encounter may have been fleeting, but I reckon it’ll stay with me till the end of my days. If the Lord wills our paths converge one day, I only pray I’ll be a better person worthy of your time.

***

Whelp, this has been quite a ride. I first started this blog way back when I was still down in the slumps with my thesis. I wanted this to be a less cryptic channel for my thoughts, less cryptic than my other edgy blog btw lol. And now, it’s been what, four years since? Man, the progression’s a bit overwhelming.

But I think that’s how it is with journals: as long as you’re consistent with churning out the entries, you can relish in retrospect how far you’ve gone since you first started. Heck, I haven’t been consistent at all with my journal entries, but it still overwhelms me! Perhaps that’s also a goal I should pursue in a future journal. Hm, definitely.

1849 hrs | 05.18.2020