#also unrelated and like to be clear i love my body and how trans it is but

[cozycreaturescorner]

That picture of you made me gay panic a bit 👀🥵😳

hahafsgg i'm so glad <3 i strive to make as many people panic about how gay they feel about me as possible

[shig-a-shig-ah]

Hey mootie I was wondering if your requests are still open, and you were comfortable if you could do Shiggy with a Trans man s/o who has a ridiculously high sex drive. Just nothing takes the edge off. Just the s/o can go several rounds and it concerns Shiggy. I don’t have anything else to add other than I just wanna get raw dogged by my husband 😔👊🏻 feel free to ignore if you don’t wanna do this. I just am thirsting hardcore for my fav villain boss again.

Moot I could never ignore this, I fucking love it too much and I am very flattered and touched you thought to ask me for this. I focused a little more on the ‘high sex drive’ and ‘raw dogged’ parts of this, but I think I got the concern in there too. I seriously had so much fun writing this one <333333333

» pairing: shigaraki tomura x transmasc!reader 

» cw: insatiable horniness, thigh riding, penetrative sex, some AFAB terminology, teeny-tiny mention of HRT. 18+, minors DNI. 

» a/n: I am not transmasc, exactly, just tried to draw on what I’ve heard from several transmasc people about being on T and being super horny all the time. So, please feel free to let me know if there’s any language I should adjust, or additional tags I should add that I didn’t think about! 

» wc: 1.3k 

The dream you were having is already slipping away when your eyes flutter open, but you make no effort to cling to it. The way you feel makes clear it was another one of those dreams, the ones you keep having that are yet another symptom of the hormones you're flooding your body with on a weekly basis. They leave your skin flushed and sweaty in the aftermath, that familiar ache pulsing at your center. Throbbing.

It's an arousal so overbearing that it borders on painful, has you curling into the pale-haired man sleeping next to you, fisting at his shirt as you slot yourself against the firm muscle of his thigh, your hips already grinding and tiny whimpers clawing their way up from your parched throat. Any self-consciousness you might feel about this—humping your swollen sex against his leg in the dead of night—is far outweighed by your desperate need for relief.

He starts to slowly stir as you increase the pace, chasing a release that will bring no more than a temporary reprieve at best, and that often offers no real reprieve at all. Somewhere beyond the heat roiling under your skin, you feel gloved fingers tracing over your back.  

"Again?" Tomura murmurs, his raspy voice thick with sleep and tinged with concern. You can only nod and mewl pathetically in response, not slowing even the slightest when he shifts, your chest pressing flat against his as he tugs you atop him. It's followed by his lips pressing soothingly against the crown of your head.

You use that change in position to your advantage, working yourself harder against him, burying your face in his torso to muffle your whines as you ride his thigh all the way to your peak, your own legs trembling as your core clenches around nothing.

Tomura doesn't wait for you to come down—knows you won't, not when you get like this. He's already using one hand to peel away your slick-soaked boxer briefs and shoving his own pants below the jut of his hips, just enough to guide you on to his waiting erection.

You're fluttering at the invasion the moment he's inside, rocking yourself back against his movements, and fuck, Tomura has mixed feelings about what the testosterone has done to you—can't help the pangs of concern and sympathy that plague him as you suffer through a seemingly unending haze of arousal—but he also loves this. Loves how desperate and needy it makes you for him, and how responsive you are to the simplest of touches.

You whimper when he slides a hand beneath your shirt to pinch lightly at one sensitive nipple, watching your face screw up into that expression he finds so becoming—your brows knitted and your lips twisted with frustration, choked sobs spilling out every time your stiff, puffy nub catches on his pelvis. It's as though you can barely handle the sensations, as though it's too much to take, but he knows it's what you need.

"Shh," he whispers, even as he thrusts up into you a little harder, angling his hips to stroke against that sweet spot inside in just the right way, obviously working to send you over the edge again. "You're okay, I've got you."

"Tomu—" your hands tangle into the white fluff his hair, your voice a pitiable pule "—Tomu, please. Need it so bad."

"I know, sweet boy. Don't worry, I'll take care of you." The softness in his voice has your heart squeezing, warmth spreading through your chest, because you know it's true. He's been so patient, even though you've been so shamefully demanding.

Even now he wastes no time making good on that promise, dipping his hand to roll your clit between deft fingers, that added pressure enough to send you hurtling over the edge again. You keen as he strokes you through it, rutting into you faster until his own hips are stuttering and he joins you in that ecstasy.

His cracked lips catch your own when he cums, his tongue licking into your mouth for a kiss that's long and deep, the two of you not separating until he's slumping beneath you, crimson eyes half-lidded. He lifts a calloused thumb to trace over your quivering lower lip.

"Does my handsome boy need more?" he asks, and it's only then you realize you're still fidgeting atop him, that briefly sated ache already returning.

Your face heats up as you nod, embarrassed, but Tomura only grins lasciviously and rolls you off him, arranging you on all fours, grinding his already-swelling length against the curve of your ass and then gliding it over your soaked slit as you whine.

Some days Tomura likes to tease, likes to make you beg for it, but not when you're like this. No, he means it when he swears he'll take care of you, would never even dream of prolonging your misery, no matter how much he might enjoy seeing you writhing and libidinous.

If he's being honest, he enjoys this urgency, too, relishes sinking his length into your soaked, greedy cunt, and the way you yelp in response, bucking feebly to meet his thrusts before you're quickly overwhelmed, collapsing under his efforts. His hands gripping your hips are the only thing keeping you in any way upright as your face presses into the bed, the mattress dampening your cries as you drool against the sheets, lost in the sensation of him stretching you wide.

The head of his cock strokes just right against that sensitive place inside as he pumps himself in and out, enough to have that knot in your belly tightening yet again, and when his thumb moves to brush at your clit it only spurs you even closer to your next release. He keeps his touch gentle, that sensitive nub already tender and overstimulated from the constant attention it demands.

Tomura can feel your slick walls pulsing around his cock as he works you over, that physiological reaction quickly joined by your high-keyed cries. He runs one hand along your back again, trying to comfort you even as he encourages you come apart for him.

"That's my—a-ah—good boy. Cum for me as many—fuck—" he swears as your walls clench again, harder this time "—as many times as you need."

That permission is all it takes and then you're crumbling, quaking as another orgasm tears through you, white spots swimming behind your eyes as you tremble and squirm. He fucks you straight through your release again, so rough and unrelenting that you can't quite tell where that climax ends and the next one begins, can't do anything more than clutch at the sheets and sob with gratitude, practically writhing with overstimulation until he's burying himself to the hilt and filling your insides with yet another rush of his hot seed.  

You can feel those combined juices dribbling down your thighs when he finally withdraws, collapsing next to you and tugging you once again to his chest, softly petting your hair as he places a kiss to your sweaty forehead, and you cling to him gratefully.

Tomura doesn't speak, only enjoys this brief respite knowing that you'll soon be restless again. That's okay; he'll fuck you again if he's had enough time to recover, and if he hasn't he'll bury his face into your sloppy heat and enjoy the strange thrill of tasting your juices mixing together.

No matter what, he'll always make sure you're taken care of.

[werevulvi]

I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.

[rogueofsoup]

Why is it that whenever there's a strong female character and a male lead or even a strong female lead and an important male character (I'm looking at you Wonder Woman) the woman always has to fall in love with the man?

Why is it that when there's a society of women the only time romance is even MENTIONED it's when a man suddenly shows up?

Why is it in some movies where the leading female character says she's a lesbian and hangs out with the leading male character, by the end of the movie she tells the main male lead that she was just lying about being gay so that he wouldn't flirt with her and now she's in love with him?

Where's my strong lesbian lead who will not give two shits (romantically speaking) about a handsome guy suddenly appearing in her life? WHERE'S MY STRONG LESBIAN LEAD AND HER ADORABLE LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND?

Also, where's my bi character who's not portrayed as "they'll fuck anything that moves"?

Where's my gay male character who's not "very obviously gay" (flamboyant, kinda girly, "less manly" than the other male characters, dresses scantily, swings hips while walking, literally anything people see as "stereotypically gay")?

Where's my straight male character who likes to feel fabulous and extra™ at times and isn't a bad guy? (like Megamind, but labeled as good from the start)

Where's my neurodivergent (has Asperger's or autism or something like that) character that isn't played for laughs?

Where's my disabled character that isn't seen as or even acts like they're weaker than the other characters?

Where's my female character with ADHD that isn't played up as basically constantly vibrating?

Where's my character AT ALL with ADHD that doesn't "act active enough" but still has actually diagnosed ADHD?

Where's my PoC character that's not just inserted for diversity, and is actually really important?

WHERE'S MY GODDAMN CHARACTER WITH VITILIGO?!!

Where's my character with malformed body parts that makes due enough to not be treated as anything less than the other characters?

Where's my Jewish character that isn't depicted as being a bad person?

Where's my "the weird kid" character who actually has features and actions that kids in school would actually find weird (such as neurodivergent characters), but they're not played entirely for laughs and they actually have """normal""" (neurotypical) friends that are actually super supportive of them and know how to help them in the specific ways that help them when they need it and don't get annoyed by their coping mechanisms? (As someone with ADHD, this one especially is very important to me)

Where's my great big intimidating character (male, female, neither, both, or whatever) who has a smol S.O. who calls them cute nicknames that just make them melt?

Where's my nonbinary character that definitely looks masculine or feminine because they actually really like how they look in that way (nb character with facial hair and a very masculine build, nb character with a fairly curvy feminine figure and wears makeup)?

Where's my nonbinary character that isn't skinny?

Where's my ENTIRELY HUMAN nonbinary character?

Where's my genderfluid character? Where's my OVERWEIGHT genderfluid character?

Where's my overweight female character that doesn't even ONCE have anything said to her about her weight?

Where's my strong female character that you never see putting on makeup that doesn't automatically have clear skin and perfect eyeliner and sleek eyebrows (seriously what the hell is up with that it's just freaky)?

Where's my female lead that isn't what Hollywood describes as "beautiful"?

Where's my male lead that isn't what Hollywood describes as "beautiful"?

Where's more Jack Black just having fun with his character? Hell- where's ANY MORE ACTORS just having fun with their characters?

Where's my PoC characters voiced by actual people of color?

Where the FUCK did all of my fun Pure Evil Villains go?

Where's my female villain who isn't a seductress?

Where's my character with schizophrenia who isn't treated like a monster just waiting to strike?

Where's my character with multiple personality disorder that isn't several completely different people all squeezed into one person? (From the little research I've done, I'm pretty sure that's not what it's actually like being someone with that disorder)

Where's my character with a mental disorder PERIOD that doesn't end up being a bad guy? Like, ever?

Where are my characters who don't constantly have clear skin and clean hair, and don't wake up looking amazing?

Where's my antisocial character who isn't dark and brooding and just tries their best to look like they're having fun at social events despite being in a near constant state of "I wanna cry"?

Where's my antisocial character who does on occasion feel the need for socialization (in moderation, of course), even though it drains them?

Where are my characters who ugly cry?

Where are my shorter-than-average characters (adults around 3-4 feet) who are just normal HUMAN people just living their daily lives?

Where are my trans characters who pass as their desired gender (or lack thereof)? Where are my trans characters who don't pass as their desired gender (or lack thereof)? Where are my trans characters that aren't misgendered (or if they are at least someone other than the character (like their friend) actually corrects the person who misgendered them)? Where's my trans character that may on occasion get misgendered (like by a waitress or something), but doesn't correct them every single time it happens? Where's my trans couple?

Where's my multilingual character who forgets words in the language they're speaking so they switch to another language that they DO remember the word in? Where's my characters that only speak ONE language that forget words in their own goddamn language for a bit?

Where the absolute fuck is my (non-background) character who is 1 Jewish, 2 a PoC, 3 gay, 4 on the chubbier side, 5 not overly sexualized, 6 neurodivergent, 7 has chronic pain (completely unrelated to weight), 8 has adopted kids with their spouse, 9 unnecessary attention is NOT drawn to them being gay, 10 very much loves their spouse, 11 doesn't wear makeup and doesn't look like they wear makeup and they just let their real face and real skin (no matter how blemished it may be) be what they present, and 12 IS NOT PLAYED FOR LAUGHS OR SEEN AS ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE CHARACTERS ?

Step up your fucking game, Hollywood.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Six: King of King Falls

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 15, 2015 - In an effort to learn more about his new hometown, Sammy books an interview with author and King Falls historian, Howard Ford Beauregard III, however Ben questions Sammy's intentions as well as Beauregard's facts.

[Podcast intro music]

[jazzy church organ music]

Deacon Reggie Back by popula’ deman’ from tha Lawd On High, tha King Falls Stompin’ Out Tha Devil Revival will be extended two extra Sundays. Join us for a fi’th consecutive week as Reverend Xavier “Get Right With God!” Hawthorne leads the King Falls faithful, the most turnt up celebration of tha year! Come raise your haaands to the skyy an’ annoint the son o’ God! Tha Holy Spirit will be so strong, your granny bound to get ratched!

Reverend Hawthorne God is’a Good. God is’a GreaT-a. Satan is on your back because he likes ta haTe-a. Shake ‘im off for Jesus! Just shake him off! Before it is too late! Glory, Glory Hallelujah!

Deacon Reggie Come celebrate with the most highly favored congregation in town! Just outside the city limits, off’a Route 72 and MLK. (That’s Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Drive for those coming out o’ town.) [rushed disclaimer] King Falls Stompin’ Out the Devil Revival is a trademark of Right With God Productions, all use and reproductions must have written consent from Reverend Hawthorne, or the Lord above. To God be the Glory.

[KFAM intro music]

Ben [in bg] I don’t want to do this!

Sammy And we’re back! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial, and that was a perturbed Ben Arnold. We got a packed show for you this evening. We have a special guest, in the house—

Ben Sorry, folks!

Sammy What are you so fired up about, Ben?

Ben You know.

Sammy Well, our dear listeners don’t know, and we’ve got a few minutes before—

Ben B-before we talk to your guest.

Sammy Our guest.

Ben Oh, there’s no wa— I would never book that guy in a thousand years. He’s all yours.

Sammy [pleading] Ben.

Ben It’s just ridiculous! If you wanna make fun of me, do it off the air! This, is not cool.

Sammy I’m not making fun! Listen folks, I did a little research—

Ben On his own.

Sammy On my own, about King Falls history- and moreso, its history with the paranormal! So I go out of my way to book a guest that is an expert in this field!

Ben HOH! BULL!

Sammy And now Ben thinks I’m just messing with him when actually I’m just trying to get a better grasp on the supernatural phenomenon that happens in our beautiful town!

Ben [quickly] You never believe it when it happens on air, why would you bring- this guy in. You’re- you’re trying to break him. Which should be easy since he’s a—

Sammy I’m serious! I’m just trying to get a better understanding of what we’ve been dealing with the last few months, Ben. And this guy, our guest, has written a book about just that!

Ben It’s an e-book, Sammy. My mother can publish an e-book. He’s a whack job.

Sammy Why are you acting like he’s not sitting right in front of us?

Ben Oh, you’ll see.

Beauregard [HFB3 has a “High Class-Better Than You” drawl at all times] “Whack job”? You must be speaking of the 1957 3rd Street Massacre— or your journalistic career.

Sammy Uh, good evening sir. Thanks for making it down to the station tonight.

Beauregard [insincerely] Charmed.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being joined by- an author—

Ben [cutting in] E-book.

Sammy —and King Falls paranormal expert—

Ben Self-proclaimed.

Sammy —Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard.

Beauregard The third.

Sammy Of course. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. How are you doing this evening, Howard?

Beauregard Mr. Beauregard. And as the common folk call it: I’m swell.

Ben *clears throat* So, Mr. Beauretar[sic]—

Beauregard Is your man speaking to me, Mr. Stevens?

Sammy [confused] No— Man?… Ben?

Beauregard You shan’t be too careful these days.

Sammy So, Mr. Beauregard. How did you come to be an expert in the paranormal and supernatural aspects of King Falls?

Ben [sounds like someone whose point is about to be proved] This should be good!

Beauregard As well you know, my family settled this town of King Falls many many moons ago, so its lineage is pure and unfiltered through my veins. My family has witnessed it all and, of course, that has been passed to me and now, through my memoir, passed down to you.

Ben *laughs* Right.

Beauregard May you ask your manservant to please hold his tongue as the adults speak?

Sammy Excuse me?

Ben Sorry! Beauregard. A-also, uh, in this century, where we live, I’m the co-host of this show.

Beauregard [condescendingly] How splendid. Your mother must be co-proud of you. Mm?

Sammy Okay. To make a U-turn back to the original point, you were saying—

Beauregard Yes. We founded this city. We know every minute detail of its hellish existence. Especially when it comes to the oft spoken about ghouls, goblins, and extraordinary happenings we are known for.

Ben [offended] King Falls is a magnificent town. There is nothing “hellish” about it.

Beauregard You’re. Welcome.

Sammy So, it is true that one could say you are a self-proclaimed expert in these matters.

Beauregard The same one might say that you are a good radio host, but… doubtful.

Ben *exasperated sigh*

Sammy Alright let’s take some callers, shall we?

Beauregard [insincerely] What fun. I love hearing from the lowlies.

Ben [muttered]Jesus— Line 3.

Sammy Good evening, you’re on King Falls AM with Howard Ford—

Ron Yeah yeah, Sammy, let me just get right down to business. First off, am I live right now?

Ben Double live gonzo, Ron!

Sammy Ron Begley, from Begley’s Bait Shop, ladies and gentlemen. What’s goin’ on, sir?

Ron Howdy boys. [angrily] But seriously this message right here is for you so-and-sos that have been comin’ down to the lake, every damn night since this tournament, lookin’ to poach on Kingsie.

Sammy Wait a second. People are attacking Kingsie?

Ron They’re tryin’.

Ben Why?

Ron I assume it’s a bunch of hillbilly heroes tryna come serve up a side of podunk justice on our majestic lake creature for the John Doe. However, it’s a damn fact now that Kingsie, who wouldn’t hurt a damn fly, had f[bleep]kall to do with that body at the Bass Tourney. But these damn perpetrators need to listen and stop comin’ on my land and into the lake with malice in mind. Lake Hatchenhaw is a place of serenity, peace and fishing, you damn fools.

Ben [fiercely] Kingsie is a King Falls treasure.

Beauregard If I believed in lake lizards living in a water puddle I call a lake—

Ron I’m sorry? Just who the f[bleep]k are you, you hoity-toity—

Beauregard Aww, the salty tongue of the smartest man in the trailer park. I do not answer to your kind.

Ron [aggressively] Son, I could get from my lake house to the top of that mountain in about 22 minutes, so you best get your gazelles on and start putting pads to pavement. You pillow bitin’ son of a b[bleep].

[click, dial tone]

Ben Kingsie is a fact, Mr. Beauregard, unlike a great deal of what you have listed in your… “book.”

Beauregard I’ll bite. What is fiction in my memoir?

Ben Sammy? Please. [“let me tear this guy apart”]

Sammy [conceding] We’re all about the facts here on King Falls AM, Ben.

Ben [rapid and eager] Chapter 2, “Smokey and the Banshee.” Hate to break it to you? but there certainly isn’t an apparition driving a “ghostly Trans-Am through town square” late night every third Sunday.

Beauregard Says you.

Sammy Says facts.

Ben Chapter 5, “Bombing Range Road Rage” you mentioned General Abilene here, saying he goes out of his way to spook people on old Bombing Range Road.

Beauregard Your point? If you have one.

Ben Indeed I do! Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that the general is seen in Sweetzer Forest. Lights emanate from Bombing Range Road. Possible UFO activity. All of that unrelated to Abilene.

Beauregard [laughingly] Sweetzer Forest? Hah! Imbecile.

Ben [getting increasingly worked up again] And furthermore, what’s this baloney about there not being an ancient burial ground under where your family built its textile factory? And you know what? let’s just come out and say it: Why has no one in the town ever seen you in the daylight?

Beauregard We have gone on record! time and time again. There is not now nor has there… ever been an “ancient Indian burial ground.” There have been… no disturbances either. I will not tolerate any more of this tomfoolery. And furthermore! not that it’s any of your business, but as far as my complexion is concerned, I have… an aversion towards the sun! I tend to do my deals and business… in the night-time hours! You might even call me… nocturnal.

Sammy Riiight… Nocturnal. Okay. Moving forw—

Ben It’s a well known fact that your family bought that land at a steal. And it was so “reasonably priced”? because it was on the ancient burial ground of the Hatchenhaw Indians.That said, there are sightings all the time- hell, there are videos of the ghosts trying to scalp your employees during work!

Beauregard Hogwash!

Sammy Y’know, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, I think. Ben pulled up one of the YouTube videos a while back and- I’m usually skeptical but I saw—

Beauregard Graphics and special effects or what-have-you! I’ll have the two of you know I did not come on this show to be mocked. One more retort from you valley-dwellers and I’ll have you expelled from the city limits. Mayor Grisham is a close ally, so tread trepidously.[sic]

Ben Bring it.

Sammy Whoa whoa whoa! everybody, let’s just relax. This is a conversation, Mr. Beauregard. Ben here is our station’s foremost expert on King Falls history, sir. It just seems like maybe the facts and your book’s stories aren’t exactly jiving.

Beauregard Let me be quite clear, this is my last warning. If you speak ill of myself or my family one more time, I will crush you. Your livelihoods depend on this fact.

Sammy Come on.

Ben [sarcastically] Oh I’d never speak badly about your family. They had the good sense to die before you turned into this joke, bringing down their hard earned reputations.

Beauregard Fire this insolent manchild at once. He’s nothing more than Channel 13 leftovers.

Ben I… B-but I—

Beauregard Aww. Did I touch a nerve Benny? Dispute this fact to all five of your listeners. Channel 13- a respectable organization- rejected you not one, not two, but three separate occasions. You working class cretin.

Sammy [awkwardly] I think maybe we should wrap this up.

Ben No wait. Sammy, I’m gonna use a lifeline. Phone a friend?[1] and ruin this douche.

[phone ringing]

Emily [sleepily] Hello?

Ben Hi! Emily.

Emily [suddenly more awake] Ben? Everything okay? It’s pretty late.

Ben It’s- it’s okay now that you’re on the phone. *shy, awkward laugh* You’re live by the way.

Emily *giggles* Ben! Hi Sammy! Hi King Falls.

Ben The lovely and knowledgeable King Falls Librarian, Emily Potter, everyone.

Beauregard The library? They can’t even keep my memoir in stock. What do you think about that?

Sammy [quietly] I don’t think that’s how e-books work.

Ben Hey! Miss Potter is trying to speak, Beauregard? Emily, can you… shed some light on a certain topic for everyone out there listening? All five of them.

Emily Yes. Anything for you and Sammy.

Ben We have… Howard Beauregard on the phone.

Emily Funny enough, I just finished your book, Mr. Beauregard. “King of King Falls”?

Beauregard Alas, finally someone with good sense and better taste.

Ben I’m glad you brought that up, Emily! Can you fill the listeners in on the history of the King Falls Library- which, Mr. Beauregard discusses in chapter 15 of his e-book. Did you- find any… discrepancies?

Emily Sure, Ben. Well, Mr. Beauregard mentioned the library a few times in various stories. However, he stated that during World War Two? the secret apartment was built inside the library. However, it actually—

Beauregard Ahhh! The Hitler Suite! Yes, it was commissioned by Germany, October 7th, 1944 as a possible hiding place for their infamous leader, Theodore Waldorf von Hitler.

Sammy Adolf?

Beauregard Gesundheit.

Emily I’m sorry but the apartment was actually built when the library was, in 1912. I’ve seen the blueprints and everything. Funny story, it was actually used as—

Ben Y’know, Emily, maybe we should hear him out on this one. I can see a connection forming here.

Emily *giggles* Oh Ben, you’re so funny.

Beauregard Miss Potter.

Emily Yes, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard You are a simpleton of the highest order, and should not be tasked to watch over a magazine, much less a palace of learning such as the King Falls Library.

Ben You son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy Ben! It’s not worth it, calm down, he’s just an old nutcase!

Beauregard Of course the two of you are thick as thieves. I should have known I was in for an ambush in this rrramshackle radio station. You two lowlifes should be honored by my presence!

Sammy Beauregard, please take yourself and go honor the dust in your mansion. We’re done here.

Beauregard How dare you. Turn this radio broadcast off this instant! I demand it. I will not be treated like this!

Ben Go.

Sammy [aggressively] If you don’t leave, Mr. Beauregard, we’re gonna be forced to call the sheriff’s department

Beauregard Well there’s no need to wake my personal friend, Sheriff Gunderson, from his slumber. He’d only throw the book at you rapscallions anyway.

Ben Your e-book isn’t worth the paper it’s not printed on.

Beauregard [sound of a chair being shoved back] [voice getting quieter as he storms off] You merry fools! I can buy this radio station! Just to fire you! Mark my words!

Sammy We’ll be waiting on those pink slips! but until then, get out of our studio, please and thank you. Well then.

Ben I hate to say “I told you so” but…

Sammy I’m sorry Ben, *sad sigh* [increasingly mumbled] y’know I was just trying to understand this stuff a little bit better.

Ben [sincerely] I appreciate that.

Sammy Folks, we’re just going to take a quick break here to get back on track but let—

Emily [softly] Hey, Ben?

Ben Hello?

Sammy Oh! Line one is still engaged.

Emily Thank you for sticking up for me, Ben.

Ben Ah! I mean, any time! I mean you, uh, you're- you’re… welcome?

Sammy Ladies and gents, Ben has just invented a new shade of red from all this blushing. You know what? tweet me @KingFallsAM right now and I’m gonna post a pic.

Ben [hissed] Shut up, Sammy.

Emily Hey, Ben?

Ben Yeah? I’m here.

Emily I was just wondering… Well, I’ve- I’ve been wondering, um, maybe, uh- And you can- say no! if you want. But, would you, possibly, like to- go out? uh, maybe to Rose’s Diner this weekend?

Ben [voice cracking slightly] Yes. I mean… Sure- maybe- we could do, something, like that! I’ll- I’ll, I mean I do. I need to… *clears throat* check my schedule. But um—

Emily Okay then! I’ll- talk to you later! Goodnight, Ben.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Well I think—

Ben Don’t. [whispering] Let me savor this.

Sammy *chuckles* We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, kids.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Phone a friend- probably well known, but this is a reference to the show “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”

[snarktheater]

Ready Player One — Level Two (Chapters 17-18)

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. —Groucho Marx”

Hey, at least the book isn’t quoting a fictional text that only exists in its own universe this time. That said, you know, when the quotes you give the biggest highlight to all have to do with how much the world sucks, it’s kind of killing my buzz about the whole “being alive” thing. Oh, and I guess it makes it look like you’re trying too hard to be edgy.

But I guess these are all shallow, surface problems. Let’s dig deeper as we enter Level Two and find out how much worse the infodumping gets. Because yes, it’s back in full force.

See, the book actually does justify splitting itself in multiple parts. At least for now. Specifically, it does so by way of a time skip. Well…sort of. More of a compressed time frame of a few months, which is mostly summarized to us through Wade and Artemis’s chatlogs.

Because, yeah, they’ve been chatting. Or, I should say, Wade has been harassing Artemis until she caved in and agreed to talk to him.

Parzival: Yes! Hey! I can’t believe you finally responded to one of my chat requests. Art3mis: Only to ask you to cut it out.

I will skip over the ensuing banter, because yes, of course they start bantering in spite of Artemis making it very clear she does not want to talk to him. Banter which pretty quickly takes a deep, hard dive into…questionable territory.

Parzival: So you’re telling me, definitively, that you are a female? IRL? […] After analyzing the available data, I’ve concluded that you must be a female. […] Because I don’t want to find out that I’ve got a crush on some 300 lb. dude named Chuck who lives in his mother’s basement in suburban Detroit.

I think there should be a ban on men using the word “female” as a noun. Preferably until the end of time. The correlation between that and misogyny is too high. Although, I don’t know, maybe it’s a useful alarm bell.

Artemis challenges that, and expresses suspicion that he wouldn’t care about her personality, and not “the package it comes in”. Parzival claims that he totally does, and…put a pin in that, we’ll get back to it in a short moment. But first, Artemis flat-out rejects the idea of engaging in romance with Wade, mostly on the grounds that he doesn’t really know her, only the side of her she lets him see. Which is fair, although I’m not sure if you can really act like that’s only true online (or even more true online, in their world at least).

But if you think rejection is going to deter Wade “I have stalked this girl for years on her blog” Watts, well…I mean, refusing to take no for an answer is how this chapter started, so you know that’s not happening.

So he insists. And insists. And insists some more. Oh, and did you know the Sixers tried to blow up Wade’s trailer?

Art3mis: You shouldn’t reveal stuff like that! I could be a Sixer spy trying to profile you. Parzival: The Sixers already profiled me, remember? They blew up my house. Well, it was a trailer. But they blew it up. Art3mis: I know. I’m still freaked out about that. I can only imagine how you feel. Parzival: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

You sure sound torn up about it, Wade.

Yeah, the book is basically going to flat-out ignore the ramifications of Wade’s house blowing up and him being forced to move to a new location and forge himself a new identity. No consequences—not practical ones nor emotional ones. It’s especially weird, because…moving to Columbus on the money he earns through his endorsement deals was already his plan to begin with. If the only purpose was to get Wade from point A to point B, the setup was already there. But since there’s no other consequences to IOI blowing up his home…what was the point of IOI blowing up his home? From a pure storytelling perspective, I mean? I’m just puzzled at this point.

Somehow, Artemis is still talking to Wade, so they start playing a game of one question each. We do learn that Artemis is 19 years old, studying poetry and creative writing in college. Not very important information, but it’s something. Assuming she’s telling the truth, but I’m sure she is.

And now, we get back to that “Wade doesn’t care about the package Artemis comes in, only her personality”. With bonus transphobia!

Parzival: […] Now, spill it. Are you a woman? And by that I mean are you a human female who has never had a sex-change operation? Art3mis: That’s pretty specific. Parzival: Answer the question, Claire. Art3mis: I am, and always have been, a human female.

I…hopefully don’t need to explain the problem with this, right? It’s basically transphobia 101: he states that trans women aren’t women, or at least not “really” women; he overfocuses on their body and specifically genitals (using some outdated and offensive terminology even by 2011 standards, I’m fairly certain); and they both equate genitals with gender, since Wade acts like you can only even be a woman post-transition, and Artemis’s response implies that pre-transition trans women aren’t women.

But it’s even worse in the light of that thing I told you to put a pin on. Because if Wade doesn’t care about her body, only her personality…shouldn’t it not matter that she’s trans? Hell, shouldn’t it not matter that she’s trans and pre-transition? And if he does care about her genitals, shouldn’t it still not matter that she’s trans if she’s post-transition?

I’ll stop this discussion here before I myself get too close to talking about trans people’s genitals. All I’ll say is this: if you think the transphobia is an isolated issue, you’re not thinking hard enough. With this statement, Wade doesn’t just prove he doesn’t consider trans women as real women, he also establishes that he does care about Artemis’s body.

It’s easy to make a grand statement about how you love women no matter how they look. It’s much harder to maintain that stance in how you actually talk to and about women. It’s a similar problem that plagued the Nerd Porn Auteur poem: it’s one thing to say you want all women and all body types to be viewed as attractive, but when the rest of your poem clearly establishes that you just want to enforce your own standard, it belies your thesis statement.

For the record, I knew this quote was coming, but it’s still awful to read, especially in the context of this guy harassing her into talking to him in the first place, and repeatedly making advances at her in spite of her constant rejection.

You’d think there would be some lull in the misogyny in this book, but apparently that’s a tall order.

Finally, Artemis says she has to go, and says they shouldn’t talk again until one of them finds the egg. Wade’s reaction?

Parzival: Can I at least keep e-mailing you? […] You can’t stop me from e-mailing you. Art3mis: Actually, I can. I can block you on my contact list. Parzival: You wouldn’t do that, though. Would you? Art3mis: Not if you don’t force me to. Parzival: Harsh. Unnecessarily harsh.

You’re literally saying you’ll harass her more, so…no, clearly it’s not “unnecessarily harsh”, it’s exactly the right response.

So of course, after a scene break…

I started e-mailing her.

Yup. He starts emailing her weekly, and Artemis, for some reason that’s totally unrelated to being written by a man who’s likely never experienced that kind of harassment and also has no empathy for the people who do, replies to him. Well, not just replies to him; she starts going back and forth and goes all the way to meeting him in private chatrooms.

We played vintage board games, watched movies, and listened to music. We talked for hours. Long, rambling conversations about everything under the sun. Spending time with her was intoxicating. We seemed to have everything in common. We shared the same interests. We were driven by the same goal. She got all of my jokes. She made me laugh. She made me think. She changed the way I saw the world. I’d never had such a powerful, immediate connection with another human being before. Not even with Aech.

For the record, while this is still pretty shallow character and relationship development, I feel like this might be the closest we’ll get to fleshing things out in this book. This is as good as it gets. Or…as good as it’s gotten so far, I should probably say. I have my expectations for what comes next, but it’s wrong to assume, kids.

Speaking of rushed relationship development, we’re now in full skimming mode, to the point where Wade and Artemis now share their research regarding the Hunt, even though that’s basically antithetical to both their established characters. Is this what love is for straight people, becoming the opposite of who you were before? No wonder they have so many hang-ups about marriage.

Wade also tells us about how he missed his graduation and got his diploma by email, and…you gotta wonder at which point the Sixers will catch on to him still being alive, you know. I mean, the endorsement ads with Parzival, I can get that these could go on with Wade dead. But school? Did nobody even bother to identify the corpses in the stack?

If you think I’m asking this for something utterly trivial, don’t worry, we’ll get back to that too. But enough about the plot; I guess we’re giving up on it now.

When I finished school, I’d intended to devote all of my time to the Hunt. But all I really wanted to do was spend time with Art3mis.

Yeah. The girl’s what distracted you from the Hunt. Not the attempt against your life, though. That barely registered as a blip on the radar.

We also get a brief recap of Wade leveling up to 99, the maximum level in the OASIS. This includes a description of a quest where he and Artemis play as characters from the Goonies. And you might be wondering: wait, weren’t the flicksyncs supposed to be this revolutionary new feature? Well, apparently all the quests in the OASIS (or most of them, anyway) are also based on just…replaying the story of existing properties. In fact, it’s starting to look like the OASIS has two types of planets: the ones built by players, like IOI’s planets, and the ones that are built to match existing properties. Which begs the question: what was the OASIS’s launch content, when it had neither of these? Just the starting planet and Ludus?

Anyway, the book suddenly remembers about the Easter Egg, in the most random of fashions imaginable: by having Wade go on a rant about how there are no longer toys in cereal boxes.

It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign that civilization was going straight down the tubes.

Yeah. Toys in cereals, the true canary in the civilization coal mine. Good job there.

But anyway. From this, Wade remembers a hacker from the ’70s (and…yeah, the 70s are fair game all of a sudden) who took on the moniker Captain Crunch, who used the toy whistle from the eponymous cereal to hack into analog phones. From this, wade decides that “the captain” and “the whistle” in the Quatrain are references to…the cereal. Not the hacker. Sure sounds to me like you’re stretching the guess a little far there, book.

I mean, even if he’d stuck to just making the connection, this is still just the character getting divine inspiration to solve the puzzle. Nothing of actual import causes this reveal. This passage is literally introduced as “Then, one morning” and him thinking of the connection. Because, you know, it’s not like giving your readers a riddle they’re able to solve along with the characters would keep them engaged or anything.

And with that random epiphany out of the way, we’re back to a whole lot of nothing, since Eureka moments are apparently the only way Wade solves any of the riddles. And by “nothing” I mean more obsessing over Artemis, and how he wants to meet her face to face, even though earlier this chapter he wouldn’t even send her a picture of himself.

I was certain she had strong feelings for me, but she also kept me at a distance. No matter how much I revealed about myself to her—and I wound up revealing just about everything, including my real name—she always adamantly refused to reveal any details about her own life. All I knew was that she was nineteen and that she lived somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. That was all she would tell me.

You know, the impression I’m getting from this is that you misread her completely and she’s not interested. I mean, she keeps rejecting your attempts at communication unless you pressure her so much that it’s easier to just talk to you, and she won’t give any personal detail. That does not strike me as someone who’s into you.

Wade also grows distant from Aech in this time, because fuck friendship now that he has a woman to stalk, I guess. I mean, of course, they barely qualified as friends in the first place, so…no big loss there.

Somehow, without my realizing it, my obsession with finding Halliday’s Easter egg was gradually being supplanted by my obsession with Art3mis.

I was informed that I used the “Big red flags” gif too soon last time, and…yeah, I’m seeing why now. This is just the worst case scenario. You’re romanticizing some really unhealthy behavior there, book.

And it keeps going. They go on dates now! In the OASIS of course. And they do so in spite of Artemis protesting that it’s not safe for Wade to make public appearances, since, again, IOI wants him dead. Plus, they’re afraid of tabloids.

But there was one exception. One night, she took me to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show in a huge stadium-sized movie theater on the planet Transsexual, where they held the most highly attended and longest-running weekly screening of the movie in the OASIS.

Oh dear. Let’s…let’s move on. I’m not touching the fact that the book dropped Rocky Horror in the same chapter as it featured an incredibly transphobic statement. Someone more qualified will have to take that one.

That night was easily the most fun I’d ever had in my life up to that point. I told Art3mis so afterward, and that was when she leaned over and kissed me for the first time. I couldn’t feel it, of course. But it still set my heart racing.

Yes, yes. I know. Obviously the book means for her to be into him and all my earlier ranting about her not being interested was wrong. Ha, ha. Except, you know, not. Of course she’ll fall for him—she’s designed to, as the love interest. The issue is with what the book chose to portray as her being interested. That is to say, her showing every sign of disinterest. Which is rape culture. No, I’m not mincing words—it is. Equating a woman’s constant rejection to her being into you is exactly what rape culture is about. If you look at what rapists say when on trial, the defense is almost always a variation on “I thought she wanted it”. So this book, providing a fantasy where she really is into it, deep down…yeah, it’s rape culture. And if that phrase sets off your triggers and you have a problem with that, big whoop, just re-read the paragraph and skip them this time. The message still stands.

Thankfully, we don’t have to deal with them being together for too long.

And then one night, like a complete idiot, I told her how I felt.

Well, mostly because the book probably couldn’t handle writing a romance where the characters actually are together for very long, what with its inability to write emotions. But sure, let’s go with “telling someone how you feel about them is an idiot move”. There’s no way that could feed into toxic masculinity or some bad relationship advice.

So, after this line, we get a chapter break, which I guess is supposed to act as a cliffhanger of sorts, since after that the book backtracks a little to set the stage. I’ll go over this quickly: remember Ogden Morrow, Halliday’s best friend? He hosts his birthday party in the OASIS every year, and it’s a big exclusive event, and of course the High Five are invited. Aech is busy, Daito and Shoto never enter a PvP area unless necessary, which leaves Artemis and Wade. Artemis wants to go, and Wade decides to as well to impress her or something.

She said she couldn’t pass up an invitation from Og himself, despite the obvious risks. So, naturally, I told her I would meet her there at the club. It was the only way I could avoid looking like a total wuss.

Wow. You big strong manly man. I’m sure she’ll swoon right into your arms and—oh wait, you ended the previous chapter by telling us you were gonna confess your feelings and it’d end badly. You kinda blew your load early there to be trying to milk some tension out of this there, buddy.

And I hear you. Back up, you say, a PvP zone? Yes! Ogden Morrow has his party in “the Distracted Globe, shortened to ”the Globe". No Shakespeare involved here, since he’s not from the 80s; instead, it’s a zero-gravity dance club. Except you can swim and dance in zero gravity, because this book for nerds didn’t think to research its physics properly. I mean, what are the odds that a bunch of nerds would criticize the science of your science fiction book, right?

And it’s also a PvP zone. I guess Ogden’s party runs on the honor system and hopes that no one is going to attack anyone here.

The book spends a massive paragraph describing Wade’s car to us. It’s a modified DeLorean crammed with references to other sci-fi movies, because apparently, the book doesn’t understand class. And yes, I’m forced to point out that Cline has a very real version of this car:

Which…okay, not the worst thing ever, I guess, but don’t you think it’s a little on the nose?

After this (and another paragraph telling us how everyone will want to steal his car, but it doesn’t matter, because he has a miniaturizing spell and keeps the car on his person, because MMORPGs letting you put your mounts in your inventory is not a concept that the author has heard of), it’s on to the party. In which Artemis and Wade name-drop a bunch of songs, and…dance. Kind of.

Her avatar lost its human form and dissolved into a pulsing amorphous blob that changed its size and color in synch with the music. I selected the mirror partner option on my dance software and began to do the same. My avatar’s limbs and torso began to flow and spin like taffy, encircling Art3mis, while strange color patterns flowed and shifted across my skin.

Is this someone’s kink? I’m extremely confused that this is the imagery you chose to go for, especially when the book tells us everyone else on the (spherical, zero-gravity) dance floor starts following suit and dancing as colored blobs.

After this, it’s time for the cliché slow dance, and Wade tells Artemis he’s in love with her.

“You aren’t in love with me, Z,” she said. “You don’t even know me.” […] “You only see what I want you to see.” She placed a hand on her chest. “This isn’t my real body, Wade. Or my real face.” “I don’t care! I’m in love with your mind—with the person you are. I couldn’t care less about the packaging.” “You’re just saying that,” she said. There was an unsteadiness in her voice. “Trust me. If I ever let you see me in person, you would be repulsed.”

Such foreshadowing. As for his statement…see my earlier rant about his transphobic statement.

Once again, Artemis keeps telling him no, Wade keeps insisting, and she decides they have to stop hanging out.

“Are you breaking up with me?” “No, Z,” she said firmly. “I am not breaking up with you. That would be impossible, because we are not together.” There was suddenly venom in her voice. “We’ve never even met!”

She’s right, of course. But before the book can linger on that detail for too long, let’s have the Sixers randomly attack the club! Which they do by sending troops inside, even though we established the game has nukes already and they could just make the whole place explode without wasting any avatars. Whatever. Fight scene time.

Then I realized that most of the Sixers’ incoming fire seemed to be directed at me and Art3mis. They were here to kill the two of us. […] I knew my own recklessness had brought them down on us. I cursed myself for being so foolish.

…Are you implying Artemis wouldn’t have been a valuable enough target? No, of course it’s all about you. Dick.

This scene, by the way, goes nowhere. It’s devoid of tension. Mostly because, before anything really major can happen, Ogden reveals that he apparently has god mode turned on, and fries all the Sixers in the club. Thus also making the attack entirely pointless. Well, unless Ogden does turn out to be the main villain and this is a showcase of the threat he is. Which I’m still somewhat convinced he might be. Or should be.

But anyway, when the dust settles, Artemis is gone, and Wade is sad, I guess. Boo hoo. Whatever shall he do, the object of his obsession is gone.

[oliveraaliyah1994]

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[dragongirldreams]

So, I guess it’s time enough that I should talk about my experience with Tumblr. I mean, it’s only been, what, a couple months since I said I would talk about it?

...イヤァァですけどー...(For those who can’t read Japanese: “...Iyaaa desu kedo~...” so it would mean something like “...Even though it’s unpleasant...” or ”...Even though I’m reluctant...”)(...what? You think I’m stalling? Me? Stalling? Using the Japanese language? Stalling? ...Okay, okay, you got me.

Uh... the thing is, unlike my time spent on that forum and on Deviantart, the time I spent on Tumblr, well... I don’t really look back on it fondly. And I guess it might have been part of the reason there isn’t really a “4th” influential site...

I- I’m not talking about you though! That era was already looong over by the time my sister had me make this blog. All the people that follow me, and all the people I follow, you’ve all been great!

This already has a fair bit more than I usually put above the “Read More,” so, let’s, uh, continue this there. I suppose the above counts as ample enough warning.

So, uh, to offer a slight recap... There are 3 specific sites I (somewhat frequently) visited at specific times early on in my internet life that stick out to my as “significantl” somehow. I don’t know, I just consider them “important.”

The “First” was a roleplaying forum I was a regular on. I wasn’t really good at roleplaying, honestly, but that wasn’t important. While it was the main focus, roleplaying wasn’t the only thing we talked about. This was the first internet community I really felt a part of, the first place I felt I could be myself, really. It was also where I learned that even on the Internet there were unspoken rules and things you “just shouldn’t say,” when I said why “shapeshifting” was the superpower I wanted, and everyone else called me “weird” for it.

The “Second” was Deviantart. I didn’t actually make an account here, because I was starting to get self-conscious. I mean, I wasn’t going to be writing any stories, (my roleplaying was bad enough when I have other people to help me, I’m sure it would be even worse when I have to come up with everything myself) and I wasn’t going to be writing too many comments, (what if I said something “weird” again and made people uncomfortable?) so why even bother?

Umm, before I continue, I want to make it clear that the self-consciousness didn’t really come from the rp forum. Aside from the one “weird” incident, they never really said anything to put me down. Most of my self-consciousness either came from Real Life and all it’s many pressures, or perhaps because I also started spending some time on TV Tropes, learning all about things like “Mary Sues” and “Self-Inserts” and how it’s all bad writing. I don’t really consider TV Tropes an “important site,” though. Despite ultimately spending a comparable amount of time there as on the others, it feels more like a footnote than a proper chapter, at least to me. It’s just missing a certain, je ne sais quoi.

So, back to Deviantart. While it was (and probably still is) primarily an art site, I spent more time reading... I kinda wanna say “fanfics,” but a lot of them were original, rather than being based on someone else’s work. I guess they were kinda like doujinshi, but short stories rather than manga. That’s the kinda “feel” they had about them. Anyway, I eventually found that I particularly enjoyed “TGTF” stories, and I spent most of my time here looking at groups with that as a theme. I can’t think of any particular lessons I learned here, to be honest. It was just somewhere I could go to escape the stresses of the Real World.

Uhh... onto Tumblr proper, finally. I think I’ve said this before, but to restate it, the reason I came to Tumblr in the first place was that I wanted to learn how to be a better feminist and LGBT ally. So, I mostly hung around in political and social justice tags.

But, unlike the Deviantart groups which had moderators to decide what gets in or not, on Tumblr anyone could put anything they wanted in any tag they wanted.

I could tell some of the more blatant stuff was bunk, if you asked me I would definitely say that trans people were the gender they said they were, and that gay people had just as much a right to love each and marry each other as straight people, but... I was still a kid, and I didn’t really understand the concept of “dogwhistles,” so I got pretty easily fooled by people just appropriating progressive-sounding language, and I ended up internalizing a lot of TERF/truscum and bi/pan/acephobic rhetoric. (Also a bit of racism, to a lesser degree, because I didn’t spend as much time looking into matters relating to race as I did ones related to sexuality or gender.)

Looking at the above, it’s not hard to see a bit of a common theme there. They all paint their targets as “just [privileged group] trying to invade/appropriate [oppressed group] spaces,” and evil for it. This kinda mixed poorly with my experience with “interruptions,” and led me to somewhat misinterpret sayings such as “stay in your lane” and “it’s not my job to educate you.” I managed to see my mere presence as a “straight white cis man” as something which inherently was offensive and silenced minorities. And as I was a big Liberal until recently, I put a lot of value on “free speech,” so if my presence in LGBT and feminist spaces was “interrupting” people, then it was imperative that I, a disgusting straight male, not be in LGBT and feminist spaces.

I suppose that, if that first forum unravelled the lie that the internet was free of taboos, then Tumblr shattered the delusion that it was free of gender.

I kinda want to go on a bit, but I can’t really think of any follow-ups. Such a line just has too strong a sense of finality. Luckily, I’m realizing that there actually was a “Fourth.” And in a way, it kind of acts as a mix of the other three.

So, setting the scene. Having quit the roleplaying forum out of lack of confidence in my roleplaying abilities, stopped reading TG stories on DA to not be offensive, and no longer going on Tumblr due to it only reminding me of my body, where was a gi-- guy to go?

Why, none other than 4chan, of course! That place that’s famous for being offensive! And specifically /tg/, the roleplaying section! I am not smart. (Note: /tg/ stands for “tabletop games” ie DnD, WarHammer, MtG, and the like. It is, for the most part, unrelated to the “TG stories on DA,” which is short for TGTF) (Second Note: Like with Tumblr, I at least had the wisdom to stay away from the boards with especially bad reputations, ie /b/, /pol/, /lgbt/. I also didn’t really go on /a/ or /v/ often, mostly just staying on /tg/ --which was considered one of the more progressive boards, relatively speaking.

Anyway, in /tg/ I especially spent a lot of time in /cyoag/, or the “Choose Your Own Adventure General” threads. Now, some of you might know of the old “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, but the CYOAs posted and talked about in /cyoag/ were very different; they were more like character creators, or would-you-rathers. Here’s some I enjoyed as examples (they’re kind of a big, though);

Sorry for the image spam there. And these are just some one-page ones; there are ones much longer I’ve enjoyed, like “Serene Serendipity,” -- which is about going childhood again, and pretty wholesome despite the name -- “Royal Revival,” -- where you’re secretly the reincarnation of a princess from a fantasy world who got assassinated, but your family managed to pull off a resurrection spell -- “A Mage’s Familiar,” -- you get reincarnated as the familiar of a wizard, or a witch. It does pretty well with it’s execution, there’s a bunch of different ways you can take things -- or the “Accidental Magical Girl CYOA” (or “AMGC,” for short) -- where, for some reason or another, you are turned into a Magical Girl (although an optional perk allows you to be a Magical Boy instead, that means one less perk for other things). I find the use of rolls/random numbers really increases the replayability, and helps to inspire different ways to take things. There’s this one perk, for example, that has you roll up a second character as a teammate, and this one time I rolled it, but then the new characters kept also rolling it until I had a whole 5-girl squad to go on (imagined) adventures with. That last one actually got so popular it had to split off into it’s one thread.

...I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I mean, ultimately I am, but I’m not sure how I’m going to get there. I’ve been trying to think of ways to continue for at least a day or so, now. “Maybe talk about the culture” I thought, but what would be an organic way into it? And how would I be able to capture the feel? A lot of the important things, while nigh omnipresent, were also often in the background.

I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s any kind of lesson I learned there. But it offered some sense of community when that was what I needed, as well as some pretty good escapism.

To end things off, I think I should mention this one line I saw the other day, though I don’t quite remember were. I think it was an old tweet. Regardless, what it said was, “If you were a teenage boy on 4chan, you’re either a neckbeard or a girl.”

I don’t think I’m much of a neckbeard, though. So, I guess what I’m saying is...

[lifeareyouthere]

A Love Letter to Langley

This is not intended to aid child predators. This is the prattles of someone who over thinks and as too much free time. None of this is to taken seriously.

If there was one person who’s attention Yaniv did not want it was his own personal stalker. Am I calling Langley Resident a stalker? No. But in the twisted, and diseased minds of Yaniv and Mrs. Yaniv that’s exactly what they have. An ever present set of evil eyes with ears that record their “private” meltdowns to share with the world. A guilty conscious doesn't like to lose control of their own information. LR knows this and has taken upon themselves to take the bullshit they endure from these two neighbors and publish to makes sure the one thing a cockroach needs is taken from them. So since Yaniv is too busy lubing tampons to solve this little mystery I thought I’d Nancy Drew it myself.

Now I do not live in Canada. I’ve never visited Canada. I grew up thinking Canada was the hat of the states, so I have very little background to work with. I have google, some posts, and an over active mind. Yet somehow, I feel I could get closer to the facts than Yaniv who has dissolved into taking pictures of neighbors, harassing them and shouting, “Meow!” at everyone. A real Sherlock that one. 

Let’s start with looks. At this point it’s impossible to tell. Any photos that might be them are marked as being from other sources. However, Yaniv has some strong opinions about who’s worthy of sharing the same elevator with them and who’s not. Because of Yaniv’s very public racism we can assume LR is white. It’s the only appearance that Yaniv blocks out as part of the background. White is normal, nothing to take note of. If they had any kind of color they would be the source of Yaniv’s poor jokes, and would raise Yaniv’s suspicions.

Following that logic of Yaniv’s blindness we can assume they are older than what are “trans-activist” likes. LR’s first and only avatar is a perfect picture of  Edna Krabappel(more to follow about that), it’s a still from the show back when it was hand drawn, and by the off colors of it I’d place it sometime before season 7 of The Simpsons. This says that this person it older than 25, as younger than that would not be as interested in the character and the hand drawn look isn’t a turn off. Many of the younger set can’t stand the rough look and inconsistent colors. I’m willing to bet that the quality of the still didn’t even register when it was chosen because that’s what this person grew up with. They were more concerned with the emotion being conveyed. My bet is that this person is closer to 30 as they use early internet short hand, but still try to maintain proper writing structure on twitter. A battle many dismiss.  Is it possible that they are an older adult tired of a man-child’s tantrums? Yes. Nothing they’ve done shows any great skill with technology. Someone with a phone, and a dream. But science as proven the older you are, the less of a damn you give. Just look at Mrs. Yaniv, she’s forgone underwear for as long as I’ve known her. Even with the Yaniv’s violent outbursts I doubt an older person would have the patience for all this tip-toeing anon shit. (I long for the day an old stands up during one of those meetings and tells the Yaniv’s to shut up, and get out or they can find some where else to live.) There’s also my suspicion that LR works with a close group of friends on the internet.  The Meow Mix blog has shots of Yaniv bragging on twitter that he was able to get 2 numbers of LR’s cellphone number (great work, you win,). MM refers to them as “A gang” and continues referring to themselves as a group. https://jymeowmix.wordpress.com/2020/01/01/worlds-worst-tech-guru-tries-to-hack-the-meow-mix/  And with MM having a similar writing voice to LR and the number of similar twitter accounts using the idea of living near Yaniv I think it’s safe to say LR is indeed working with 3 or more people in efforts to document and organize information so the world can see exactly what type and degree of fuck up Yaniv is. I don’t know about you, but the last gang of boomer I met hung out in dead Quake forums, and they knew nothing of lolcows.

Now some more solid facts. LR has a car. We know that because they tweeted about being at “Brown’s” the same time as Yaniv. Using the old Google, I can see a Mary Brown’s Chicken & Tater’s just off the highway that runs behind where they live. It’s not a walk-able distance, and the highway makes it unsafe for foot traffic despite the homeless camps. Chicken & Tators sounds right up Yaniv’s alley, so I don’t think my assumption that this is the location in question is far off.

LR is Canadian. This is duh, but I believe they were born and raised in Canada. In tweet wishing Yaniv a lovely day they use the words “chequing account.” My French was sent tingling. In the States we spelling it, checking. So this person was raised in the land of hockey lovers.  

Now we get to the pure speculation portion.

The profile.

If we return to LR’s avatar it’s good ole Edna K standing in front of the chalkboard looking disgusted and tired. A teacher who has seen it all and not amused by the antics a child who acts up to hide the fact they cannot understand the material they’ve been given. I feel this is how LR feels about Yaniv in general. Withe him you go through a cycle, first confusion, then disgust, followed by rage, then disbelief, and finally to settle on he’s is nothing more than a man child who craves attention because they have nothing else in their life. A girlfriend requires work and showering. A job requires work, and showering. Being a role model requires work and showering. All things Yaniv doesn’t want to do. It’s easy to smear on lipstick, slam his unwashed balls on the counter at Starbucks and demand coffee, then screech discrimination on twitter about his trans-rights being butt hurt and get a gift card. If it wasn’t for the fact that Yaniv wants to kidnap a child and brainwash her into thinking tampons are sexy, and limp, smelly, pencil dicks are all a woman can hope for, I doubt LR would have reason enough to do any of this. Despite their obvious disdain for Yaniv and Mrs. Yaniv, they post very little besides what a neighbor would have to deal with. They don’t post their pranks. They don’t leave things on Yaniv’s door. They leave stickers to warn kids, and record the Yaniv’s screaming at each other like the trailer trash they are.  Most people aren’t compelled to create a twitter account to complain about how their neighbor’s dog shits in their lawn on mowing day.

That being said, they do enjoy the trolling. By far LR and MM have gotten under Yaniv’s nut-sack like a reporter waiting to ask about the Elmo voice. It’s an honor not many hold as Yaniv wants the attention, but that that it’s not on his terms, and in a way he can’t bully to control it’s driving him up a wall. Poor thing. All he can do is film himself fingering his ass in his mom’s house in front of underage girls. Truly, MM and LR are terrors. How is our brave “Trans-activist” to live without going out to stalk around Justice so he can finger his ass in the dressing rooms?

And on a unrelated note. LR likes the elevator. Seems like they’re in there a lot. And Mary Brown’s is all southern comfort food. The kind that you eat when you hate yourself. It’s my favorite. So I would hazard that LR isn’t going to the gym, and is often very tired, either from a stressful job, insomnia, depression, or iron deficiency. It’s hard to get in their head because they are careful. Very careful. They know who they’re dealing with and moves according, taking advantage of weather and human nature to move. I would guess they wear something with large pockets or walks a dog that allows them to move at night with a bag or purse. It gets confusing as posts on MM aren’t clear what are supplied by LR.

If I could sit on a meeting I might be able to finger more closely who it could be by body language. But, I could be 1000% off. Honestly, I don’t care. I mostly wanted to prove I gave more thought to it than a pedo.

[pixieauthoress]

Everyone (like, four of you) loved it when I rambled about my faith deconstruction at Easter, so here’s some more incoherent thoughts on my faith deconstruction. 

My pastor and his wife (who insists on being called his wife, not a joint pastor, because she doesn’t get an income, even though she actively does pastoral work) just got back from a big conference for the church body that our church is part of. She was raving about how the pastors wives from another, larger church on our continent had set up this video-call thing once a month where she could talk to them about how she was finding her experience of being a pastor’s wife (they’ve only been pastoring our church since November) and how useful it was to talk to them. She kept talking about the “pastor’s wives” and I began to get intrigued because, from previous conversations with the leaders in our church, they’ve made it clear that women can totally be in leadership, we just don’t happen to have anyone at present. So I asked her whether or not there were any women who were actually pastors at this conference, and she basically said that there were some pastor’s wives who called themselves pastors because they actually preached 4-5 times a year or worked part-time for the church and got a salary. Which didn’t answer my question and kind of did at the same time. Basically: there are no women who were pastors before they were wives, or who are pastors and their husbands do something unrelated to the church. They’re also just the wives of pastors who get the name because they maybe, occasionally get to preach. Not that I have anything against husband-wife pastor teams (personally I think it’s great to have joint-leadership) but how can there literally be no female pastors who are leading the church, not being tugged along by their husband, in the whole of Europe?! NONE? 

I feel just...I don’t know. A bit betrayed. One of the reasons we’ve stuck with this church is because they have said that they support female pastors and preachers and just women in leadership in general. But I’m starting to believe this less and less. I feel like if a qualified women came to them and said she wanted to preach, they’d go for it, but they don’t seem to be making active steps towards pursing it. I’ve seen women praying and leading worship and even prophesying, but not preaching. It’s not awful, just...not enough.

I bought Quinn this ridiculous noisy Doc McStuffins doll the other day and realised that all the doctors he does know are actually women. I could think of five. But I can’t think of five religious leaders he knows. And I don’t like this. 

I’m not sure where I want to go from here. I love these people. They’re my family. They helped us move house and stood with us when we dedicated Quinn, but the values I hold now and very different from the ones I had four years ago when we joined this church. I don’t want to abandon them outright, but I’m not sure if this church completely emulates the beliefs we want our son to grow up with. 

One of the reasons we’ve stuck around since November when my brain basically exploded and my faith was totally shattered and I was like “Okay, yes, I’ll admit it, I’m an anarchist” was that the pastor keeps saying encouraging things like “We love hearing your thoughts on things, your voice is so important” and two of my friends told me I’d basically turned them into feminists and another person keeps cornering me to discuss trans rights and rape culture and another person told me she wanted to be friends with me purely based on my Facebook posts (which are hella ranty and political right now, so that’s pretty impressive) and I keep thinking it’s worth staying so we can try to make a difference and encourage them to make things more inclusive and point out the problematic aspects of, like, all of the things.

But...is that my responsibility? Do I even have the energy to do that right now? What if we just end up debating stuff and nothing changes and we’ve kept our kid in a church whose theology we don’t entirely agree with? Will it have been worth it? Or is it better to find somewhere new that might actually reignite my faith? Because damn it, I’ve not been getting anything out of sermons since at least November. Maybe before then. I have more spiritual experiences listening to Alter Bridge and Rome than I do worship music. I’m there setting out cake and Simon is playing guitar and sometimes I’m not sure why. We have really good conversations in our community group (when we ignore the prescribed questions and just talk about what’s on our minds) but a friend recently pointed out that we don’t need to meet as a church group to have these conversations.

One of our church’s big things is evangelism. They’re super passionate about it and I’m just...not. I’m an introvert with social anxiety who is probably now a bit of a universalist, so I’m not really into trying to convert people. I would like to invite my non-church friends along to some events sometime so they can see what it is that I believe, and why it’s important to me. I started off this paragraph thinking that I was going to end it with “But all my friends are gay or feminists or both, so how can I invite them to a church that’s not inclusive and has no women in leadership?” but now I’m thinking I’ll end with “But is this what I believe? Is this what’s important to me now?”

Is it terrible to bail? I’m just...not really experiencing anything right now that makes me feel like I can call myself a Christian. I’m passionate about a lot of things right now...but none of them fall under what our church does or celebrates or embraces. 

Please tell me I’m not insane for wanting a church that supports feminism and LGBT rights and anarchy and fights for social justice and minority rights and all that jazz? This is reasonable, right? From my view of Jesus (the post November 2016 version of him), these are things Jesus would care about. 

I was going to proof-read this, but I think I’m just going to post it. But yeah...the things I care about have changes drastically in the last six months and now I don’t know where I belong.