#amccdrama

[worthlesswordss]

About today | A Letter for my Boss

June 9, 2017

*The contents of this letter that was sent to my boss were edited. This is the version I wish I could send to her.

I'd just like to express my feelings for the week. As you know from our conversation yesterday that I really felt overwhelmed, pressured and stressed out. I even had an accidental meltdown with Ms. Kate and Ate Mae because I bottled my feelings during class hours. I felt like the world was on my shoulders and that I was failing the kids with their learning and growth. I want to give up po. I want to leave, resign, quit. But I love this school so much, I love my students so much to let this go. I worked so hard for this opportunity during all my years in school. During all those years when people put me down and discriminated me, belittled me, crushed my spirits, and outcasted me. I worked through all of that because I don't want anybody to do the same thing that was done to me. I don't want any child to experience what I have gone through in school. 

But sometimes its too much. Last year, I remember that moment when I couldn't take it anymore. When it was too much. I asked my parents if I could see a therapist, talk to them, figure things out, release. I saw one for a couple of months then felt I could be myself again. 

This time I'm beginning to feel like its becoming too much again. And this time I want to really give up. To really leave, resign and quit. I can't keep this up. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm turning into someone I don't like. I'm not happy with what I'm doing anymore. I don't love it. I don't feel the passion I once had. 

[worthlesswordss]

Getting Better Help

May 3, 2017

I’ve been struggling with my mental health (more than the norm) for the past few months and it surprised me how good I was at lying and hiding it from everybody (even though I’m trying to not do that so that people will know what the hell is going on with me - bad habit, I guess). There was this day when I was about to talk to my mom about how I was feeling and to be honest to her about the other stuff that I was intentionally hiding. I kept giving her hints but she’s not picking them up. So I finally bulked up the courage to tell her and I didn’t. I was about to tell her when she sidetracked me about being a responsible adult. I felt frustrated and just gave up on my motives of telling her, thinking she won’t believe me anyway because she’s stuck on her traditional ways.

Anyway, it’s not a secret that my parents are hard to talk to. I basically rant and cry about it almost every single damn day of my life. And I’m pretty sure I wrote a lot about that here in my worthless little blog. The harder part is actually talking to someone about it. When I was regularly going to therapy, everything felt lighter in a way and I think its because I had someone to talk to about it without biases or without taking it personally. Someone who just listened and gave her best objective advice or support or help because it’s her job to help me get better. But since I stopped going to that - and my parents approve of me not needing it anymore (they’re seriously damaging my mental health and emotional well-being) - it’s been hell for me these past months.

Yes. Months. The last time I went to therapy was last December 2016 before we left for our trip to San Francisco / Los Angeles. I actually thought I was getting better and now I understand how people rely and become dependent on the pills their psychiatrist gives. I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in 4 months. My under eyes (eyebags) are sagging more and more everyday and I just feel more and more tired and sad and helpless when I go to work. It’s depressing! What has become of me?!

I’ve tried to contact my therapist so many times already and I can’t seem to get a hold of her... or her busy schedule. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist either. The last time I saw her, she said I had depression but she doesn’t know the severity. She said it’s getting worse - that’s what she’s sure of. And she also said I had mild social anxiety. And I might have depersonalization or something much worse than that. That’s the reason why she got me have my brain scanned and blood drawn - which she hasn’t seen the results of and neither have I.

It’s all so screwed up! I was getting help and getting better then I stopped and my parents support it. I DON’T! I AM STRUGGLING. WHY CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT. And don’t get me started with the whole 13 Reasons Why Craze. *vomit* WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TELL MY PARENTS?! OH YEAH BECAUSE THEY WON’T BELIEVE NOR ACCEPT IT ANYWAY. THEY’LL THINK IM BEING OVER DRAMATIC OR “TOO SENSITIVE” OR BEING NEGATIVE. WELL PISS ON THAT MOM AND DAD!! YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!?! I DONT!!! THATS WHY I BEGGED YOU TO GET ME HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE!! BUT YOU PISSED ON THAT IDEA! AND I WAS ACTUALLY GETTING BETTER. BUT YOU PISSED ON IT! YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY! YOU DENIED! AND DENIED! AND DENIED! WELL LOOK AT ME NOW. IM A FREAKING WRECK. I AM SWALLOWING ALL THE PAIN I BURIED A LONG TIME AGO AND SPITTING IT OUT AGAIN AND EATING IT. OH? THATS DISGUSTING? WELL ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT DONT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO GET ME THE HELP I NEED! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME AT ALL?! I DONT WANNA DIE, OKAY??! BUT THATS ALL THAT I THINK ABOUT!!! THATS ALL I WISH FOR MYSELF!!! THATS ALL THAT I THINK I NEED BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME RELEASE THE ALL THE PAIN AND SORROW AND DEATH THAT I FEEL INSIDE!!!

I don’t mean to yell or rant. I’m just tired and I’m trying to release all these things in my last resort - this blog. I know no one reads this except for me and a couple of strangers from the internet who just loves to read or maybe looking for comfort for their own problems or the haters who just want to bring people down until they actually commit suicide and say “I didn’t do anything. He/she killed themselves.” or “He/she shouldn’t have read the comments then.” or whatever stupid excuse they have. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you murderous bully. Deny it all you want but you’ve killed people. You kill people everyday.

Where am I going with this? What was the point of this post? Well, yesterday, I saw this ad on Facebook and clicked the link and researched about it. I read the whole entire site and reviews about it in other sites. It’s called BetterHelp. And if you’re anything like me or in just dire need of someone to talk to; you’ve probs seen this somewhere. It’s an online counseling service where you chat or video call some professional counselor/therapist and help you with your problems. It’s like 7 Cups of Tea or  Blah Therapy, both I’ve tried before and disappointed me - one of the two made me suicidal so I don’t recommend.

So in BetterHelp, you have to register first - which I didn’t mind because it was free and it has this quick evaluation test or whatever to match you with a counselor (which I thought was really cool). After doing that, I had to wait 24 hours or less to get verified or matched with a counselor. So when I opened my email today, I was excited to finally talk to someone about all this baggage I’m carrying around.

But I got this message instead:

WAT.

ARE THEY SERIOUS?!

I’m so angry and frustrated and I wanna cry but also want to smash my head on a glass window and cut myself with the shards stuck to my head all over my body so that they will see how much I need their services.

THEY DENIED ME THE HELP THAT I NEED?! HOW DO THEY KNOW IF THEIR SERVICES WILL HELP ME OR NOT?! I HAVENT TRIED THEIR SERVICES!!! WHAT IF IT WORKS??? WHAT IF IT HELPS ME???

HOW DO YOU KNOW?????

WHY WOULD YOU DENY???

WHY WOULD YOU REFUSE???

I THOUGHT YOU MADE THE SITE SO IT WOULD HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME???!?! NOT DENY THEM OF THE HELP THEY NEED!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????

What now, you may ask. Well... there you go. 👇🏻

[worthlesswordss]

May 11, 2017

There was something that our admin at work said last Tuesday (May 9, 2017) that really hit home for me. She said that the reason why she’s not teaching at the moment and chose the job as an admin officer was because she realized that she wasn’t 100% into it in her mind, body and heart. She said that she didn’t want to give 60% or 80% of her teaching or herself to the kids because she thought it wasn’t fair to them that they won’t get to learn from her 100%. She cares for her students so much that she let go of teaching for now and pursued other things because of it. She was honest to the school’s owner and the school head when she was getting her job interview last year. 

It’s crazy to me how much this affected me because I feel like I’m not giving 100%, not only in my job but in my personal life too. I feel like I’m just getting by and not really giving to what I can give. I fear so much in my future maybe because I’m not giving 100% in the present. I’m a coward. At least our admin officer had the guts to be honest about herself whereas I can’t even be honest about just being myself. 

Should I tell them? Should I take a break? Should I take a half-day class instead so I can focus on studying for the Licensure Exams or get weekly, maybe even daily therapy sessions? I mean I don't even know if I can do this now because I signed a contract but maybe I can ask them about it. Or do it next year because I feel like I really need to help myself first.

I need to take responsibility for myself and my well-being. I love my students so much! I can’t undermine their education because I’m not in the right state or in 100% capacity in mind, body and heart. I wan’t to be able to give them 100%! And help myself get unstuck from this rut. I want to be a better me for the kids. 

[worthlesswordss]

Revisits from Bullies & Bystanders

April 20, 2017

I was a bullied a lot throughout my whole entire life. The first time I ever was bullied was in Preschool. I was 4 years old. I remember feeling helpless for the first time. I remember being scared and not knowing how to stand up for myself. I remember crying and saying stop to the bully - though he never did stopped. I remember telling someone about it (for the first time) and them not doing anything to stop it.

I remember almost every single even when I was bullied. I remember the specific things they said to me and did to me. I remember how they said it and the faces they made during the whole thing. I remember people laughing and supporting them for scarring me. I remember people who saw it and just walked by and pretended they didn’t see anything. I remember teachers and adults participating or ignoring or doing nothing. I remember it all. And I wish I didn’t.

You know, this whole 13 Reasons Why (the TV Series) thing has exploded the world. I mean, for me, when the book came out, everything exploded. I read it the year it was first published and it was the first book I read that I spent my money on. It was special by then and it became even more incredibly special after I read it. I think I wrote a whole review about it here. I think it’s called “Thirteen Reasons Why I Love Thirteen Reasons Why”.

Yes. This post is about the Netflix TV Series; 13 Reasons Why. And before I get into detail about the relation of this to the whole point of this post, let me give you a background of what I think about the show....

I’ve never watched it. I probably will but I never actually wanted to. You see, the book is 99.9% perfect in my eyes. It’s one of my top ten favorite books of all time. And if they changed anything - like the dialogues or tone or feel and especially the message of the book - then I’ll most definitely hate it. And I will hate it even more because that’s what most people will get out of this book. Its the whole book to movie adaptation thing. Like Harry Potter for example, no one will know that Dobby was the one who gave Harry the gillyweed during the Triwizard tournament and not Neville except the people who read the books. Or no one knows that Hagrid’s trike was from Sirius Black unless you’ve read the books. 

I don’t want people who watched this tv series misinterpret or misunderstand the message of the book. I mean, I’m glad its raising awareness about the issues in this book and the while general theme of it. So far from the reviews of most people, especially media and some celebrities, they saw Hannah (the main character) as the villain or as a girl who only sought revenge. She wasn’t those things for me. And I hated that people thought of that about her. 

Back to the main idea of this post...

Since the tv series 13 Reasons Why became so popular and it became one the shows to watch, along with Riverdale and This Is Us (both I also haven’t watched yet), naturally everyone has been talking/buzzing about it.

There was this one day when one of my facebook friends (emphasis on facebook friend) sent me a message saying:

 “Hi Marga. I just watched 13 Reasons Why and the girl Hannah reminded me of you. I’m sorry for not doing anything to help you back in high school when I saw you crying that one time. Hope you’re doing okay now.”

I was like

I’m sorry. What?

I didn’t actually send that, I replied to him saying “ok.” But what... was... that?!

At first, I didn’t know what to say or how to feel or what that was but... Okay.... that was hella weird. Then I actually started thinking about it. Who was this guy again? I know we were classmates in high school but who are you again. We don’t talk. We’re not friends. Who is this guy?

Then I remembered. He was one of those people who looked away or ignored me when someone threw a water bottle at me and people laughed. I was just walking back to my classroom after having lunch (in the bathroom) and a water bottle (filled with water with no cap) slapped me in the face and my uniform got wet. People laughed hysterically. I just stood there, forcing myself not to cry and just walked away already crying. 

(to be continued. brb crying)

[worthlesswordss]

Hello. If you are seeing this video then you have found my very (not so) private and embarrassing Tumblr account. This is me in this moment and probs a few weeks after. I just wanted to express myself through a video rather than writing a post. But I will be writing more posts soon to update "future me" on what happened to "past me". So if you're wondering what's happening to "present me", read on (my past tumblr posts) or watch more (in my YouTube channel). Thanks for watching! :)

[worthlesswordss]

11.19.16

I want to share this video with you about my true and honest feelings today. I was wronged and this is how I tried to deal with it. I want to show you how things affect me especially when I have a passion for it. And to let you know that I will be okay.

My heart aches for people with special needs everywhere. You are important. You are loved. I will not abandon you. I will always fight for you.

STAY STRONG.

[worthlesswordss]

Counsel

October 1, 2016

After two years... I finally went back.

But not to a psychiatrist. A Counselor.

I honestly didn’t know there was a difference until my counselor (that’s so weird to say) explained it to me. It’s like being a special educator and a developmental pediatrician. Sped Teachers can detect whether a child may or may not have special needs but they can’t label them as such because the assessment teachers do are different from the DevPeds. So when a teacher detects that a child has red flags (symptoms) of a certain disability or “need”. The sped teacher refers the parents to see a DevPed to make sure and to give a label to a child’s needs. In order for the sped teacher to give the proper materials or teaching method and strategies for the child to have the best education and learning possible.

So basically...

Sped Teacher = Counselor

DevPed = Psychiatrist

Understand? So that’s basically the next step to this process. But let me tell you about the experience. 

I was actually excited all week long to see this person. I don’t really know why. I keep telling my mom it’s because I’m so excited to get better but I don’t really know if that’s the truth. I feel like sometimes I wanna believe that but sometimes its not entirely true. Regardless, when the day came feelings of nervousness rushed in. Especially when we got to Ateneo and were just waiting to enter the room where she’ll conduct the whole shebang. 

I had my earphones on and listening to Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself) by the Glee Cast on repeat. Listening intently to the lyrics made me realize how this song applies deeply to how my mom is to me during this whole process - of finally accepting that there’s something incredibly wrong with me. So I let her hear it and her mood changed immediately after. We were in the waiting room of the place and she asked me to sit with her (because I was sitting with my dad while she was listening to the song). She told me that I should just be 100% honest to the counselor. That I shouldn’t hold anything back because she wants me to be my whole self. She wants me to be the happier me that I so long to be. And that she knows I’m struggling even though I don’t show it. She said the songs is true to how she feels for me because she knows how beautiful I am but I don’t. And she wants me to feel the same way she does for me. And if this counselor helps at all then she will support me the whole way through.

After waiting for about two hours (because the counselor delayed us to accommodate the patient before us because she arrived late - i know! bullocks ‘cause my mom said if we were late my time with her would lessen because she has another patient after me), she invited ALL of us in. Not just me. The counselor said she prefers it this way because she wants my parents and me to hear each others sides and understand where each is coming from. 

Initial Feelings: Nervousness. Mild Panic.

Initial Thoughts: “What the hell am I doing here again?” “Why are my parents in here with me?” “This is so weird.” “I want to run away!”

Basically, we talked for like an hour. First she asked me if I had any siblings and if I did I should name them and their age. It was like a flipping interview. It freaked me the hell out. Like why the hell do you care how old my siblings are. Does their age affect my problems? Later on, I thought she did this to know the family dynamics. Like me being the middle child or whatever. Then she started asking mom and dad why the hell I was there. What made them decide to get me to talk to counselor or whatever. And my mom actually told the truth that this was all me and that I begged them for it. Though she didn’t say “begged” but “asked”. In all honesty, I freakin begged. I was ugly crying and screaming “PLEASE MOM IF YOU LOVE ME YOU’LL GET ME HELP!”

There was also this moment when I thought dad wasn’t gonna say anything because by like 10 minutes in he was just sitting there looking bored while mom and the counselor talked. But then he started sharing stuff about his observations with me and my old therapist and family stuff. This terrified me a bit because he doesn’t usually participate in things like this. Like I remember when I had my first therapy session he only spoke twice. First, when asked if we had any relatives who had depression. And second, he answered a question about how I am at home. Shockingly though, he said a lot of truthful things and positive things. I think they’re both finally trying to understand me. 

Anyway, she mostly talked to mom and dad. And I have no problem with that because I was honestly questioning myself why I brought myself to this. I hate talking to strangers and people in general. I hate being talked about. I hate talking about my problems. I hate the thought of bringing them up with someone who doesn’t know me. Why did I choose to do this again?

But she was really nice, the counselor I mean. She jus repeated things way too much. Like she would say a point and then circle back to that after explaining it already. It felt like I freakin broken record and I just wanted to go home and cry. 

OH YEAH! I freakin lost it when she asked me if my mom was right about the episode I had last August when I lost myself and said something to Eli and don’t know what the hell it was because I did that weird autopilot thing. I bawled so hard, my sinuses exploded and I couldn’t stop blowing my nose for the whole session onwards. She kept asking my questions about that too. Like when does it happen. How long? Can you give me an example. 

There was a lot more we talked about I just don’t wanna write anymore about it because I feel like the inner conversations don’t really matter. Whether I remember it or not it has no effect now and to the future. I mean, it isn’t important to my well being. It won’t change anything in the future if I don’t remember her passing me the tissues when I cried. Or when she asked about college or when she held my hands after and told me she’s here for me and will help me get through whatever. What matters is my journey through this whole thing and if it’ll actually work. Am I gonna get better? Will I finally be just me? Will my parents finally understand? Will they help? Will everything be okay?

I hope so. :)

[worthlesswordss]

Always a Screw-Up

June 20, 2016

WARNING: THIS IS A RANT. SARCASM AND HATE MAY WILL ENSUE

Every time my mom whines or complains about us - her children not helping her with events or activities or whatever the hell (idk like household chores or whatever), it gets me. I know its just my guilt-trip conscience but still it drives me crazy because I keep ending up in the same rut I didn’t want to be in in the first place.

I hate helping my mom. I hate it. And this is one of the many times I’ve told myself that. But it never works. I just end up helping her and then getting my heart broken all over and over.

See, my mom or my older sister rather, needed help in printing out the names of people attending or will be attending my grandmother’s 80th birthday. Me - being someone who just naturally wants to help - wanted to help. So I helped her and when we (thought) we finally just figured out the kinks we printed it out for real on the actual envelope that was paid for. Oh yeah, great guess... It didn’t bloody work out. 

And to add on more negative juice in there, I - being a complete idiot - had the idea to tell my mom the truth with some suggestions on how to make it easier for everybody. Please pause and applause for the stupidity I am about to commit as most of people in the world are sadists. 

What happened next? Oh yeah. That’s right my mom called me off. Told me to not touch anything and order 10 more envelopes to replace the mistake I have made because of my idiocy and foolishness. What an idiot, indeed, Hermione Granger. 

I told my older sister this and she calmly just told me to let it go and that it was the wrong time - another thing I was bad at yet kept on ensuing for the best outcome. I am such a moron. When will I learn? I asked her why my mom got mad suddenly and honestly told me it was because of my approach - which again, is something I’m bad at.

I don’t know how to watch or control my “approach” in talking with somebody. Maybe that’s something I got from my mom, who does this all the time therefore hurts a lot of people’s feelings even though (*I think) she doesn’t mean it. That’s a nice thing to get from your parents right? Just murder me. Please. So I just gave my older sister a weird hug and went off. 

I began to tear up for the pain I now feel as my mom got angry at me for my “approach” for suggesting something for the betterment of everyone. This is what I’m trying to talk about. Every time my mom whines or asks for help or whatever I come crawling because of guilt or because I just simply want to help. But in the end, i screw up somehow (mostly in ways which I don’t know because goddammit I try so hard not to because I know I might) and get this horrible burning sensation inside my chest, weirdly close to the heart. 

Why do I do this horrible process? Idk. Why do I keep doing it after knowing the most possible outcome? Idk. Why can’t I stand up to my mom and just tell her how she’s been making me feel since I was a child? Idk. 

I don’t mothertruckin’ know. Maybe I’m just stupid and my heart full of butterflies or some bs like that. All I know of anyway is this godforsaken pain that I feel every single day. This effin’ pain that pushes me to just end my life and get it over with. This parasite living inside me eating all the good and leaving the bad. 

Maybe thats why I keep “screwing up”; there’s no good left in me. If there still is, where the hell are you?

[worthlesswordss]

June 15, 2016

I was have been trying to avoid work all this week.

Kids are smart, I always knew that. But being called out by one of your students, a mere boy of 4.7, was a wake up call. I brought my problems to work and I hadn’t noticed. I was just in my head all day. It ruined me. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I felt like I didn’t want to go to work anymore.

I started to doubt whether this job was for me. I mean I love it, it’s my passion but could I pull it off with the burdens I carry with me everyday?

I felt disgusted with myself. I finally graduated from college (literally two months ago) with a career choice of something I really loved doing and is doubting whether or not I could do this anymore. Have a made a mistake? A HUGE MISTAKE? Or was this just all in my head and I’m overthinking things too much. 

I mean, with the angelic voice of Alex Gaskarth sings, “Too much or anything is too much”. Was this all there is to my never-ending vendetta with myself or was this something more. Nevertheless, this is one feeling I don’t want to keep or have lingering in me for the rest of my life.

[worthlesswordss]

New Enemy?

There's just something about today that threw me off. I didn't wake up with a bad mood. I didn't have any conflicts or confrontations with anyone at work. I didn't have any negative event that would supply this "thrown off" vibe whatsoever. So what was it that was bothering me?

Now, I'm starting to think the reason why I rekindled and made a comeback with my blog is because I'm having those "feelings" again. Feelings of being subdued by some uncontrollable force in my brain. But its stranger this time because it felt different. It wasn't like before when I felt this surge of neative energy and bad memories just seem to float all around in my brain to convince me to die or worse... kill myself. This was something different and I couldn't put my finger on it.

This "thrown off" feeling casted through my throughout the whole day. It didn't pop in weird or randome situations unlike my depression did but it lingered over times when I had my thoughts to myself. For example, when we had a teacher's meeting a while ago after the last class, it was there but it wasn't as noticeable or ambient as it was after the meeting when I wasn't talking or thinking of plans with others. It seems like it (meaning the "thrown off" vibe/feeling) was obviously more present when I wasn't thinking so much or when I wasn't talking or interacting with another mind. It was just my own. So I guess it is similar to my inner demons but it didn't really make me feel the way my demons do. It just supplied me with this weird feeling that wouldn't go away.

How do I get rid of this?

It's making me feel more annoyed as the day goes. And especially not that the day is ending, it just makes my head hurt more. Is this a side effect of my depression or is this something else since I think I don't have depression anymore? Or maybe my depression is coming back and these are the early symptoms of it? And I just never noticed them the first time because it was the first and I didn't really know what it would feel like. Wjhat is this? What's happening to me?

[worthlesswordss]

Hey Tumblr,

I know its been a long time since we last interacted on an intimate level. That's my fault. I have been neglecting you, it's been hard and once, you were the only thing that helped me pull through all of that "hard times". So you may be thinking right now why I haven't been "active" here on this once special place where I could pour out my soul and not give a damn about what anyone thinks. Well... to be honest... I don't have a freaking clue.

I keep looking for reasons why I abandoned my passion for writing and journaling and planning my day - which all three have been (strike that) is an essential part of who I am -  but I can't. I just simply stopped writing and journaling and planning my day. Believe me, I also keep trying to pursue all these things especially with planning since I know it helps me organize my thoughts and my life in general in a positive way. It helps me focus on things I need to do instead of things I want to do instead of the things I need to do. I keep forgetting or I intentionally want to forget that I have priorities and finishing them will be satisfying because I get to do whatever the hell I want afterwards. But why have I stopped? I also do not know.

Tumblr, my dear and oldest friend, why have I renounced you? Why did I stop this incredible relationship we have that has saved my life multiple times? Why?

I can't think of one reason why. I just can't. I promise you, I'm not in denial or anything. I just can't find it in my brain the incentive, the explanation on why I gave us a time-out.

Forgive me, Tumblr. Forgive me for leaving you for such a long time. Forgive me for not continuing on the good that we have. I promise to write again. In any way that I can. In any feeling or matter of a day.

I just want you back into my life. I want to feel the warmth of writing again, of journaling, of planning. You're the first step to that so... I guess here we go.

[worthlesswordss]

Update to March 11, 2016

March 19, 2016

I forgot to tell you what happened when I told my parents “the lie”. Well, everything went smoothly. They believed me. They didn’t even have follow up questions. All they asked was why I didn’t go to work that day and I simply told them the lie. And that was it. 

You may think I worried and panicked for nothing but I still live with that lie every single day. Every time my parents look off or pissed or something negative, I immediately think of that lie and all the other ones I’ve done in the past and is terrified for my life.

Last night even, my mom got home and she was freakin’ pissed. She didn’t talk to anybody and had this “go-away” or “leave me alone” face. When she was asked by my sister about her day she just ignored her following with an even more pissed off face. All I could think was OMG SHE KNOWS. SHE KNOWS I LIED. IF NOT, ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING I DID. OMG WHAT IS IT? OMG PLEASE NO. 

And when I attempted to give her water (because that’s what I normally do anyway) she refused it in an angry tone so I scurried immediately the hell out of there and cried all night long. 

I am seriously terrified and living with this burden every single day. 

[worthlesswordss]

Spiral of Lies

March 11, 2016

I am a guilt-stricken and guilt-conscious person. When I do something wrong and know that I am doing it (and do it anyway), I have this overwhelming cloud and shadow of guilt that just consumes me every second after the “deed”. And now I have that feeling today.

I was supposed to go to my work place today. I didn’t because last night I had a panic attack and cried all night long and couldn’t sleep till 4am. I couldn’t stop crying and I don’t have a reason why I felt this flood of sadness and loneliness and helplessness and hopelessness.I guess it’s just one of those days where my depression takes over and destroys me from the inside out. So when my younger sister woke me up to ask whether I’m coming with her on her way to school (since my work is just two streets away from hers), I refused. I had a moment to think about this decision of not going and I thought about it very well. I thought about what kind of excuse I would give the school on why I did not come or an excuse to my parents as to why I did not go to work today. 

*Note: I mean, technically, I’m not yet working per se. I am simply observing and getting the hang of things around the school. Like how they implement their curriculum and philosophy of education, what sort of language or form of literacy they use  to communicate with the kids, what kind of teachers my co-workers are (what values they believed in, their personalities = whether it will match up or vibe with mine or not, how much they care for children compared to me, etc.), and other things. My teacher-training actually starts at April so right now I’m basically an outsider and have no use or no value to the school yet. 

So my going to “work” or not going doesn’t matter because it does not credit the work that I am supposed to be doing. Which means that even if I am absent I’m not doing any damage or faulty etiquette in my accreditation to the school. 

Moments later, one of our housemaids came in my bedroom and woke me up to ask whether I had work today or not. And again, I had time to think about what I was going to say and I thought about it carefully and silently in my head. I, regrettably again, said “No. I don’t have school today.” Looking back on it now, that sentence is wrong to say at the moment I uttered it because it more intended that I did not have classes in school rather than not having work or children to teach today.

As I woke up on my own time, I quickly texted the head of the school a lie about me being sick with food poisoning which she texted back with a get well soon. I also scanned the house for my parents just in case I have to tell them the excuse I made up to hide my shame of not going to work and thank the heavens they weren’t there. No one was. Only me. So I went on the day feeling this swallowing pit in my stomach of wretched guilt of lies and the lies to come. 

And minutes before I am writing this to you, dear reader, I had an anxiety attack on how this day will go when my parents come home. I kept thinking about situations where the situation I’m in would go entirely wrong especially with the lie I’m about to tell them on why I did this.

The lie is that: I had no work today because yesterday was the dress rehearsals for the graduation ceremony tomorrow (which is true) and today is a rest day for the kids (not true) and to give time for the teachers to prepare and set up the props (true). 

I was incredible frightened on the following events or responses that they might have to this lie of mine. They might ask why I didn’t help with the set up of props. The worst one which still brings me shivers is that they might have called the school and asked them about me or whatever it is, all of it will go wrong and THIS IS FREAKING THE HELL OUT ME WHY DID I DO THIS I AM SUCH AN IDIOT OMG HELP. Or vise versa, the school may call my parents and ask them whatever I DONT KNOW OMG I CANT THIS IS TOO MUCH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WHY DID I DO THIS IM SO STUPID! 

So yes. A whole ton loads of things could go wrong. I also thought about this situation where they catch me red handed with the lies. Its not like I havent done it before, being caught up with my lies but the main reason why I lied anyway is because if I tell them the truth they wouldn’t believe me anyway.

Here is the truth: I had a panic attack last night. That brought up a lot of my depression back into my system which I have been fighting over for the past weeks. I don’t exactly know what triggered it but it exploded inside of me and I can barely breathe. I feel like drowning once more but the terrifying difference this time is that I can feel my own hand pushing me deep into the water to drown. It is self-inflicted. It is no longer an unconscious behavior. It is a want. A want to drown. A want to feel all the pain I once felt before. Maybe even a worse kind of pain now because I so desperately want it. And I let myself feed on it. And I hate myself for it which makes me go back to the cycle only it adds fuel to the fire each time I go.

So there you have it. The truth on why I lied and chose the bad decisions I made today. And why I am feeling this way and why I have caused myself so much pain to avoid this bigger and more dangerous sort of pain. 

And to all of you who have read my posts before would understand why I simply cannot tell this truth to my parents or to the school that I work in. 

THEY WONT UNDERSTAND.

I might lose my job even, which I fought so hard to get. I might lose my credibility as an educator which I lost parts of myself to get this dream, which holds me on to this world and keeps me from killing myself. My parents and I, again, will go through this endless cycle of fighting and crying over my depression as they have never and will never accept. Which is why it is so much harder for me to hold on and keep fighting. I do not have the help I need and sometimes even I feel like this is more than depression because it changes me in a negative way each time we go about this painful and unending cycle. I don’t know. 

So there you have it. My soul of this moment bare to you, my dear reader. I hope you are well. Pray for me.

PS.

Throughout these processes, I lose myself each time and disintegrate my one true wish and resolution this year. I hate myself now because of it.

[worthlesswordss]

A Desperate Letter to the Best Person I Know

Feb. 19, 2016 - 1:19AM

Dearest Ate Biday,

Today, I went on my first teaching demo to the school that contacted me first and also had my first ever job interview with. A little background story for you is that when I went on my first interview with this school I was 10% nervous and 80% confident. The other 10% was curiosity mixed with excitement and a lil' bit of enthusiasm. Long story short, it was the best interview that I've had (considering I've had 3 interviews from different preschools now). It was also the longest but I consider that as a good thing because I really enjoyed having an educational conversation with them (the Principal/Directress of the school and the Main Teacher). I felt so comfortable with like-minded people, having the same educational philosophies and principals as I did and shared the same affection and love and understanding I had for children. It was like being with people who finally understood how important establishing good learning skills and the love for learning at that age. It was like being with people who understood struggles I've faced in my school life. I loved it.

And them I had a demo with them yesterday, mind you, my first real teaching demo for a legit teaching job. The demo was 10 minutes or less. I had a storytelling with children from ages 3 to 6. Ate Bee, it was honestly the best storytelling I have ever done and I had fun doing it. I think I missed being around children so much that it made me want them to engage with me more than usual. It was amazing. I loved every moment of it. I loved them so so much already. Afterwards, I had a 30 minute talk with the Main Teacher and about an hour talk with the Principal of the school. I just love talking to them and I think they love talking with me in return. I just feel so open with them. They make me feel like I could just be myself and that it was a safe place to express who I am. ITS EVERYTHING THAT I'VE EVER WANTED FROM A SCHOOL, in a student's perspective and a teacher's.

I have never, ever in my life, felt like I could be myself in school. I was always terrified of showing my true self or just being me because I knew what people would do or say or in how they would treat me. I always had slip ups when I start to be comfortable somewhere but it always led to me getting hurt in the end. Here, in this school, was the first time I ever felt something positive happen after just being me. You don't know how much I've always wanted to feel free.

Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked... after my demo and evaluation talk with the school's teachers they told me the next step in the job application/hiring process is that if they hire me I would first observe for a week at their school then have my OJT for a month (to know and understand their curriculum and way of teaching) and then start the job itself. They said they would contact me within the day if not the week. A few hours after Eli and I got home, I received a text message from the Main Teacher.

"We are happy to inform you that we have chosen you to be a part of *school's name" team as Teacher and Admin..."

"Welcome to the *school's name" faculty!"

You cannot believe the shock and overwhelming happiness I had after reading the entire message. You can even ask Eli about the full details of my face-reaction and physical bodily response to this message. I WAS SO HAPPY, ATE BIDAY. I was FLOODED and SWAMPED by HUGE FEELINGS of HAPPINESS and the TIGHTEST and WARMEST HUG I got from my own self, ever. IT JUST SHOWERED JOY AND POSITIVITY AROUND ME.

When dad got home, he immediately gave me a hug after hearing the news. He called mom straight away, which I didn't think to do because I wanted to tell her face to face. When mom heard the news, she didn't sound (even the tiniest bit) happy or enthusiastic or PROUD of me for this. She just kept pressing on how I had no clue on the salary and pay and money I'm getting for this. She didn't even acknowledged or even showed any positive sign or remark of me getting a job from a school that I have fallen in love with and that allows me to be myself and to do what I love. NOTHING. ABSOLUTE ZERO. ZIP. ZILCH. NADA.

The thing first that you have to understand, Ate Bee, is that I DONT CARE MUCH for the pay or the salary I'm getting on my first job ever. Of course I care about getting money from a service that I'm doing. I know that getting paid and such is a part of it and that I need it in order to survive on my own without mom and dad. I understand that that is life, adult life BUT IT IS NOT MY PRIORITY. I didn't become a teacher to get money from it. I did this because I don't want a single child to ever feel like I did when I was in school. I don't want them to ever have the even the smallest or slightest experience I had with school and with bad teachers.

*Side note: I hate it when people say or assume that I took up SPED or education for money. I take it as one of the highest insults and offenses. Its even near the par of when ignorant people say that children with special needs don't deserve education or the chance to live or have a life. Or children with special needs should be locked up in a facility where they would be tortured until they turn "normal".

How come mom reacted that way? Is the money all she cares for? I know she's worried for my future and stuff and I know she feels that the career I've chosen for myself won't give me a stable or good life but ITS WHAT I LOVE. IT SWHAT I WANT TO BE DOING. ITS WHAT DRIVES ME TO BE BETTER. ITS WHAT SAVED ME THROUGHOUT ALL THE TIMES I WANTED TO DIE AND KILL MYSELF BEFORE AND EVEN NOW. I know the money is important for my survival and stuff but I just can't accept how she reacted or responded or how she talked to me after hearing that I got a job. I just feel like I've accomplished nothing. Like I graduated for nothing. Like I can't do what I love. Like I can't be myself. Like I have no purpose in life. Like I don't deserve to live. Like I should be wiped off from the humanity. Like I don't matter. Like I'm nothing.

Ate Biday, I've thought a lot about this school and what it could do for me in the future. I've thought a lot about my options and where I see myself growing the most and in the best way possible. And I see it in this school, even without knowing the pay. Do you know how?

It's because of all those things I've just told you now. Belongingness. Confidence. Safety. Passion. Love. Growth. Belief in myself. Improvement. Happiness. Freedom.

Should the money matter so much against all of the above?

If so, why?

I honestly don't know what to do and I've been contemplating all day to call you or text you or talk to you. Well, here you are. Its your call now.

I love you.

[worthlesswordss]

New Year, Same Old-Same Old.

January 23, 2016

After all these years, all the talks, conversations, actually, arguments that my mom had. I thought she finally understood or at least got an idea of how my depression works or that it exists. But after today, it really proves that there is no hope or no reason for me to hope any longer that she (or dad) will ever understand.

I keep telling this to myself but I never fully believe it, maybe its because I want to stay too. I want to be able to just be myself without feeling the darkness inside me. I want to be myself for at least once in my life and smile and be happy and mean it. I want to know what it feels like to be free. And maybe because I love them too much to let them go.

But lets not fool ourselves, Marga. It’s true. We keep hurting them and ourselves by staying. By being present. By existing. 

I think people who have committed suicide, those who have succeeded are incredibly brave and I wish to be them. I envy how triumphant they were able to let it all go. I wish more than anything to have that power, to have the will to do it. I know I keep getting impulses on it but I never really had the full effect, and that’s what I desperately need.

Every day it just gets harder and harder for me to stay... alive. I feel like my head is always going to explode and that there’s a huge hand cramping on my throat. Or I’m 10,000 leagues under the sea, a giant anchor chained to my leg while the other leg is being dragged forward by an unknown substance. I feel like I’m drowning ALL THE TIME. Like I can’t breathe. Like I’m not allowed to. Every time I look into a mirror or see a reflection of myself on spoons, etc. I see myself dead in different ways. Sometimes in the bathtub with all my limbs slit in different directions, the water reaching my neck while submerged with all the blood I lost. Sometimes hanging from the balcony, again with all of my limbs covered in slits that I did myself. Sometimes on the floor next to a sharp knife covered in blood after slashing my own neck, if not then pierced right through the throat. Sometimes even, on the road, smashing into two cars.

When I’m not doing anything or when my mind has extra time to think I just drift away to all these deaths, and I always feel a sense of satisfaction. And I know this is wrong but it comforts me. It makes me feel at ease with everything happening in life. The problem with this though is that it makes me crave it even more. Which again, contradicts all of the above.

What am I trying to say is that everything is still the same with me. Nothing really changed except the gravity and level of pain that I now feel daily. And how drastic my depression is as its sole mission is to have me killed. 

Well... Happy New Year.

Oh. PS.

My arms, wrists, and hips throb every time I think about killing myself or cutting. Its so hard to resist. As I’m writing this I want so desperately to grab something sharp and just slash away but you know... contradicting feelings and such.

Shame. 

[worthlesswordss]

“Loner.”

December 9, 2015

That's a word that I never thought would hurt me. I mean, I've called myself that throughout my whole life because its true, sometimes. I like being by myself sometimes. It gives me the time to think about things thoroughly, to organize my thoughts and put myself in a good state. Especially when it comes to doing work for school or for my personal gain. And of course, sometimes its the bad stuff - overthinking, negative thoughts crawling under your skin, detrimental memories popping out of nowhere, Gollum's voice getting stronger and louder by each tick of the clock. But its only sometimes, if not then most of the time.

And that's why I don't like being by myself and like it at the same time. I may like not being alone more but my heart tells a different side. You see, I really and honest to God, the truth is now revealed, I don't like being alone. I don't like not having someone to talk to. I don't like dark side of the force. No. I don't. But I'm attracted to it. I crave it sometimes, but maybe that's the Gollum speaking for me. And in truth, that's not me.

I mean, I wish that I could be that kind of person that just gets out, have an adventure and meet new people. I sooooo wish that could be me but its not. I'm just not a socially active person. I'm not a people-person but I want to be. But if I force myself to be that then that's not staying true to who I am (even if I dont really know who that is).

So what I'm getting to here is that I found out today that the teachers in the school that I'm having my practicum or on-the-job training mentioned to their supervisor or the vice-principal that the one word they could use to describe me is "LONER".

This crushed me. This tear me apart. This burnt my skin, buried the my bones, and threw away all that was left in a garbage bin. All I wanted to do was bawl my eyes out. Maybe scream a little or even throw a freakin' 3 year old spoilt child tantrum. But all I did as those moments were uttered a few seconds later was "Oh..."

Oh.

Freakin' O. H.

This still affects me to this day, maybe even forever. You see, the thing is... I TRY-HARDED MY BUTT OFF. Yes! You heard it right. I try-harded my flipping butt off to not be a loner in that school. Or to not isolate myself. Or keep things to myself. Or even shy away from a conversation. I did the complete opposite of what I'd do normally because I wanted to make a good impression. Because I wanted to make friends with all the teachers there. Because I wanted to teach there. Because I wanted to show myself that I could be a part of something and not think otherwise like I always do. Because I wanted to form relationships with people closely involved in shaping my whole career. Because it meant something to me. Because I wanted to. Because I finally had the confidence and will power to show everyone who I really am inside (with of course not telling them that I'm suffering from depression and anxiety and social anxiety and all the other illnesses I may have but don't know of yet).

That's right! I WANTED THIS. I wanted to do it for me first, of all the things. I did it for the betterment of myself. I did it because I want to have a better life for myself. Because I wanted to defeat my disorders. Because I wanted to prove that I am of worth. And all that effort was wasted because no one even noticed, saw, remembered, cared about. ALL THEY SAW WAS A FREAKIN' LONER.

I don't even know what or how they saw that in me 'cause I freakin, flippin', all around shoved myself in social situations that normally I would never. HOW COME THEY DID NOT EVEN SEE THAT OR ACKNOWLEDGED IT? HOWWWWW?

HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I wish I did though. I wish I knew how they thought that of me after all the stuff I put myself through. If I didn't do it or did it, it wouldn't have mattered. All of it wouldn't have mattered anyway because that's just how people saw me, I guess. A loner. A freakin' loner.

I guess this is just one more addition to my "Reasons why you should commit suicide" list. It's pilling up, let me tell you. It's so long I should have died a long time ago. Maybe this time, I'll finally do it.

Successfully.