#and I ended up finding a bucket hat with a bat design :)

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

How lucky are we to live in a world where you can buy little gifts for your friends

[aj-the-cat]

Lawless

~ Chapter 2 ~ Masterlist

Word Count: 1683

Scorpion's Roost

Solidarity, Texas

(Dedicated to all 100+ followers. Enjoy!)

Undertaker left the saloon that afternoon utterly confused. What whas that cowboy doing? He didn't understand humans, ever since he turned immortal he forgot all about being one. All memories left him except one particular one. Why it stayed, he had no idea. It tormented him.

Eventually his walking led to him being inside the comfort of his funeral parlor. His gathered up thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind as he took off his hat and overcoat. A large black cat met him at the door. It was pudgy, and the look on its face resembled one an irritated human could pull. Its face was also very pudgy, and a shrill meow left its mouth to gain the attention of the tall man.

"I just got home, Paul. Settle down please. It's been a long day." Another shrill meow. "Who cares if I've been drinking?! I'm immortal, it's not gonna hurt me. Now leave me be, I want to be alone." A scoff-like noise came from the cat, then he left, his pudgy paws padding on the floorboard. "Ever since he put himself in a cat, he's been more annoying than ever, I swear." Undertaker told himself.

Sighing, Undertaker pulled off his shoes and threw them somewhere. He'll find them in the morning. His socks, belt, vest and shirt flew off somewhere as well, leaving him in just his slacks. His pale skin glowed in the moonlight from a window, as well as the mysterious patterns on his arms. Intricate demonic designs littered his arms like sleeves, stopping at his shoulders. They appeared the night he turned immortal.

Undertaker staggered a little, the whiskey in his body finally taking effect. His head buzzed. He took slow and steady steps to his bedroom, careful not to bump into any precious coffins he made. Blueprints littered the countertops everywhere, with all sorts of designs for coffins.

His staggering journey took him to his wanted destination and he flopped facedown on his bed, inhaling the scent of his own cologne and a hint of cat. 'Paul must've slept here', He thought.

Deciding not to get up, his mind wandered back to the small cowboy at the bar. He didn't understand humans and their frivolous ways. Always rubbing themselves against each other for pleasure just to end up sad and lonely afterword. Letting out a yawn, he turned himself over to stare at the ceiling, eventually falling asleep from the large amount of whiskey in his body.

*~*

Light snores escaped Undertaker's body. He seemed peaceful, until his occasional twitches turned into thrashes. Fire was all he could see. Orange flames swallowing up a house. Screams. All he could do was watch in horror as the house he grew up in was swallowed by bright flames. "Mother! Father! Kane!" His mouth moved on its own. The screams died down, until all you could hear was the crackling of the fire. Undertaker fell to his knees, helpless. He just watched his parents and brother die in a fire caused by his foolish hand.

A scream left the lips on the undead man and he flew up from his bed. Sweat and tears dripped down his body and cheeks as his breathing staggered. Undertaker gripped his head in his hands and slowed his breathing to a normal rate. He hated falling asleep. This nightmare plagued him.

After calming himself for a few minutes, Undertaker slowly got out of his bed and found his scattered clothes one by one. He placed them in a basket and went back to his bedroom. Paul, the cat, sat on his bed. "I don't need to hear anything from you." Undertaker growled out. The cat just shook his head and jumped off the bed, heading to another part of the parlor. Sighing, Undertaker grabbed clothes from his dresser and a towel and headed to the pond behind the parlor.

He stripped his pants and undergarments and padded into the cool water. The cold temperature didn't bother him. There was a bucket with cleaning supplies at the other side of the pond, but Undertaker didn't bother to grab it for right now. He wanted to relax.

*~*

After sitting in the water for a while, Undertaker decided it was time to wash himself so he moved towards the bucket. He quickly dunked his head underwater to get it wet and grabbed the shampoo, but stopped when he heard voices. 'What the fuck? This is my private pond!', he thought.

The voices grew louder and Undertaker panicked and dipped his head underwater until only his eyes and top of his head could be seen. Who needs to breathe anyways?

The cowboy and his partner appeared from the bushes surrounding the pond, followed by two other guys. They were both big and burly, but the darker haired one was just a bit shoter than the bigger blonde.

"Voila. Found it a couple weeks ago while me n' Scott were running from a sheriff. Been our secret pond since." The bigger of the four said. 'Except this is my pond and I made it myself, dick head.', Undertaker narrowed his eyes. The small cowboy scanned the pond and smiled. "Last one in is a rattlesnakes lover!" He shouted and started stripping.

Undertakers eyed widened. 'No, no no no no!' He watched in horror as the four strangers stripped to their undergarments and jumped into his pond. 'And I thought I would have a good day...' He thought. The cowboy started splashing everybody, getting lots of water on the bank and dirtying up the clean water with dirt and debris.

'That fuckin does it.' Undertaker's eyes became black. The rest of his head emerged from the water, and he focused in on the cowboy from yesterday. 'Want to intrude on my life? Fine.' His horns started to sprout, but the cowboy noticed him.

"Hey! Its the man from the bar yesterday! What are you doing in this pond?" The three other men looked to where the cowboy had pointed out. Undertaker quickly averted his eyes back to green and the horn nubs desappeared. He said nothing.

"Shawn, who's that?" The cowboy's original companion asked. The two other men stayed silent. The cowboy- Shawn -chuckled. "Just some hot guy from the bar yesterday. Surprise seeing you here! How'd you find the pond?" Shawn asked. Undertaker narrowed his eyes. "I live in the building right in front of this pond. I own it." He spat.

Shawn's eyes widened, then narrowed in confusion. "But Kev-"

"GET OUT!" Undertaker yelled. His eyes turned back to black and he stood up fully, exposing his muscular torso and marked arms. Shawn blushed.

A growl started in the throat of Undertaker, and the four outlaws panicked and scrambled over one another to try to get out and away from the demonic man in the pond. They grabbed their stuff and jumped the fence, the taller of the four accidentally knocking over Shawn's original companion in the process.

Undertaker sighed in annoyance, and his eyes slowly turned back to normal. His bath was ruined, the pond probably contaminated, and he just exposed himself to the cowboy from the bar. He mentally slapped himself and finished his washing.

*~*

Grabbing his new clothes and towel, he quickly dried himself and put on black slacks, grey dress shirt and black dress vest. He would ditch the tie and overcoat today, he planned to spend the day inside his parlor working on coffins.

He walked up the path to his parlor, making sure Paul's food bowl was filled, as well as the flower garden not trampled or littered with bugs. The daisy's were nice and fragrent, the roses with beautiful colors, snapdragons at attention, and the peonies-

"What the hell happened to my peonies?!" Undertaker exclaimed. Dirt and flowers were scattered. Boot prints led a trail to the other side of the parlor. "Somebody dug up my peonies..."

Paul stalked up and sat his pudgy body beside Undertaker. His shrill meow didn't faze Undertaker, he was too busy mourning the loss of his flowers and plotting ways to kill the flower murderer.

Undertaker kneeled down and palmed at the dug up soil, finding tiny roots from flowers and scattered petals. "I'm gonna kill whoever did this." He growled. Paul meowed and licked one his paws. Undertaker still didn't bat an eye.

Sighing, he stood back up and walked through the back door of his parlor, Paul hot on his heels. Or however fast a fat cat can keep up with a 6'10 zombie.

Inside, Undertaker threw his dirty clothes and towel in a nearby room and walked to the front doors of his parlor. 'I really don't want to open today but I guess I have to.' He thought as he opened the doors, letting mid-morning light flood his front room.

He looked around, and noticed pink on the ground. He looked, and a bad bouqet of pink peonies messily thrown together sat on the ground. The roots were still intact. Grunting, Undertaker bent down and picked up the bouqet. A messy note was attached.

'Sorry for playing in your pond. I hope these make up a good apology. - Shawn'

"I'm gonna fucking kill him." Undertaker growled. He resisted the urge to hold the flowers close, as he was in broad daylight, but he did when he turned to go back in his parlor. "Of all people, why did HE get invloved in two days worth of my life?!" He thought aloud.

Paul padded up to Undertaker and gave another shrill meow. This time, Undertaker noticed him and rolled his eyes. "No, I don't even know him. He just came up to me in the bar yesterday and tried to fraternize with me." Undertaker replied. Paul meowed harshly. "Shut up! Not like you can do anything, you're just a cat." Paul huffed, and swiped at the mans ankles.

Undertaker pulled his leg up just in time and shooed off his pesky human-like cat. Paul ran off, leaving Undertaker with his peonies and murderous thoughts.

[jackrackhams]

twdg take us back thoughts (forgive me if any of this is out of order, i’m doing this from memory)

-the game took 10 minutes to download and those were a wild ten minutes i’ll tell you that -right off the bat i was worried clem was gonna get bit -i tried to shoot lilly at first, then i saw it didn’t work and wished her well. that’s just my s1 lilly fan’s final breaths of air right there -LOUIS SAVED MY LIFE THANK YOU I’M SORRY ABOUT YOUR TONGUE -god louis’s little smile though oOF -VI I LOVE YOU -THE OTHER KIDS ARE ALIVE -vIOLET INITIATED KISS!!!! (adding a read more bc this got LONG)

-uhhhh i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one who was left with some post-ep3 lilly vibes with minnie. like fuck u for expecting some kinda redemption arc with any character we are going to make them go Batshit the next episode -like i really thought we’d be able to help her or something when she was fighting off those walkers. i mean i get she was totally brainwashed but c’mon man. she’s a kid. but fuk that ig -walker james man. i sorta justified not going back and killing lilly last ep by saying this was what james would’ve wanted (also it’s my playthrough i do what i want), and now that i know what happens if you do save him uhhhhhhh.... i’m glad i made the choices i did tbh! it’s what james would’ve wanted. -i spent so long in that cave looking for “something to light on fire” -i decided to trust aj. i figured a) that could possibly save my life (it didn’t lol), b) it would make him feel good about himself, and c) i’ve taught him pretty well up to now so i trust him. -MEETING UP WITH VIOLET AND OUR LITTLE FAMILY HUG WOW CAN I JUST SAY THAT SHIT’S THE GOOD SHIT -i low key wish i’d named the school castle violet, but i figured it was more important to give her the choice. texas two squad, gang gang -fighting minnie on the bridge i was thinking ‘ok minnie’s gonna get a lot of shit for this lol’ -speaking of Bridge Scene, that shit was INTENSE if nothing else -like SHIT -when minnie cut me, i thought ‘oh fuuck, something’s gonna bite that’ -i also thought ‘hey clem’s gonna have a big leg scar to match her big arm scar’ but i was wrong about that lmao -i’ve never been more stressed that someone was gonna bite me than in this ep lmao -i also thought the scene from the trailer where you try to grab aj’s hand was gonna be here on the bridge, not on the rocks -oof when tenn died i was upset, but i feel more secure in that than if it were violet who died. only because that was tenn’s choice, and tenn was another person, like james, who had seemed to make peace with the walkers in a way. plus he died with his sister, which seemed to be what they both wanted at the time. that’s not so say that i wish i could’ve saved him without killing vi (or louis), but i do feel satisfied with what i got here (rip tennessee, you were a cool kid) -and then vi jumps over a fence ok bye violet -climbing up the rocks, i knew this was when it was gonna happen. but still. i cried lol -when i uncovered the bite, i was reminded of the s2 game mechanics. oof -as soon as she was bitten i said ‘you have an axe! cut it off now! do it!’ and when they didn’t i died -the next bit was reminiscent of lee making his way to the marsh house in s1 -actually, clem’s limp reminded me of a new day when lee got into that car crash lol -and when clem and aj were closing the doors to the barn and clem said to get something to block the door, i was expecting her to continue and say something like ‘something strong and sturdy’ like lee said when they were blocking off the pharmacy in s1 bc that scene gave me strong pharmacy vibes -and then strong jewelry shop vibes bc why tf not -playing as aj. that was rough. he’s FAST tho oml -that was when i went ‘ok so clem is dying for real’ and cried a lil bit more cuz you know me -switching between clem and aj. DUDE that got me so emotional -also aj using clem’s trick (that used to be jane’s trick). GO KIDDO -seeing clem looking more and more dead fuckt me up (like how did she get from that to the end of the ep i don’t get it. like even if it was because she waited shorter to cut it off or because it was her leg rather than her arm or what. it doesn’t matter because by the time lee looked like THAT his arm was (determinantly) long gone. but hey, not gonna analyze it too much lol i’m just glad my girl clem’s alive) -okay when clem was talking to aj that also got me crying -and when i told aj to leave clem, i was thinking ‘okay, maybe she’ll link up with james. or tenn, but like hopefully not minnie at this point. and lEE maybe she’ll find lee. or luke. or her parents-’ -and then he picks up that ax and i was like ‘woa ok did you just kill her??’ -and then the flashback. lemme be real and say i thought that was the afterlife or something, and that those floaty specks were Afterlife Dust -but then i remembered ‘oh right the ranch’ -lemme just say i didn’t think the ranch was gonna look like that lol -not 100 percent on what was going on at the ranch tbh -like who were those people and why did we kill all of them? one would assume that clem would first try to get aj back peacefully -oh wait they were at war right -also i really liked the design of like all of those people -and the LAVA GUY HOLY SHIT -obviously i mercy killed him -also wait, was clem with the people they were fighting? i couldn’t tell -ALSO also, was. was that eddie? from 400 days? checking the wiki real quick -yea i think that was him. rip eddie you didn’t deserve That. i mean i was happy he was back nd then we were just forced to kill him oof sorry man -felt bad about killing that woman also, but hey, she had aj in a tiny locker, so i didn’t feel super bad about it after finding him -also lemme just say -little kid aj?? -SUPER CUTE OML -he’s like the perfect mix of anf aj’s face and tfs aj’s face. kudos to whoever designed little aj -also when clem was talking with him in the car. i felt like it was sort of unrealistic little kid talk, but not so much that it distracted from anything going on -never go alone god rule number one had me crying -and then we’re aj fishing! -i didn’t catch any fish as aj lol -also i LOVE how they changed the dialogue options for aj to be a lot more childlike if that makes sense? like fuck yeah that was a really nice call -ROSIE IM SO GLAD YOU’RE OK -i didn’t scratch out the v+m heart because it’s history, and it’s not mine to scratch out. same reason i didn’t make clem spit on marlon’s grave -CLEM’S HAT GET IT -GET IT GET IT -OH GOOD GIRL ROSIE YOU’RE A GOD -oh a walker -oH THAT’S A TENN WALKER SHIT -well i’m not gonna kill him Again -also i don’t want the other kids to have to see him -i was so glad when i got the option to throw the rock -he learned from james what a good boy -RUBY HI -god ruby’s the best lmao -my thoughts when they’re talking about the hat ‘...aj hasn’t put it on... they haven’t talked about clem in the past tense.... is she.... possibly.... not dead?’ -lmao and when the next scene started, the trees + sky reminded me of the st john’s dairy and i wondered if we had another lee dream or afterlife or something but nope -is this take us back?? -hOLY SHIT IT’S TAKE US BACK!!! -okay and walking home, seeing everyone. god i was so sjfsakjfa there -like when i saw aasim run up to ruby i was all !!! and when they held hands i was all !!!!!!!!! yknow?? and then when i saw omar and WILLY and then on the gate there was VIOLET (i was so glad she was ok lmao the last thing i wanted for my girl was an offscreen death) god that was so good with the music i was crying a little again -need to make another bullet to stress how happy i am for ruby and aasim. like i would’ve been happy either way but they were portrayed as such a cute couple in the few seconds we got of them, so like. consider me a fan now i guess -i was worried for louis at first cuz i didn’t see him -i thought maybe this was the end of the game because we closed the gate and stuff and i was thinking ‘oh, like closing the story’ but NOPE -sup omar. up and cooking again i see -lmao my sleep-deprived brain found it hilarious that we just put the empty bucket down next to him -uhh what came next the graves or clem?? i forget -WAIT IT WAS THE GRAVES BECAUSE THE TIRE SWING WHICH IS SO CUTE AHH -well tenn’s grave made me :( but then CLEM -so glad my hunch that she was alive was right lmao -but also i thought that was determinant it was a lot less satisfying when you realize that no matter what she lives -i mean i get why they did it like that, they didn’t want anyone feeling left with the “bad ending”, their thing is that their games are tailored to how you play and there IS no bad ending but still. a little variation on that front would’ve made it a lil more satisfying -also where did they get those crutches -i love talking as aj. so much. -he’s just a funky lil guy! -that convo with clem on the steps, when she asked if she did a good job... like FUCK YEAH you did a good job, I’M YOU, you think i’m not happy with how i raised me?? -aj saying ‘are you crazy’ when clem asked that made me smile -okay i know ppl have been saying this. but. siblings aasim and willy rule. -and then the meal!! -i was super hoping for a card game but what we good was good. not great, but good. also, card game as aj would probably not be quite as fun. or it’d be very fun. honestly, it’d probably just be a different kind of fun. -when we panned over the table i saw a flash of louis and i went all ‘louis!!’ in my head -louis’s little note sadfasf that was so cute -and honestly everything about louis in this scene i love you louis -actually, just this whole scene was cute. willy and omar were adorable, and then ruby, and willy asking for seconds, and everyone just being Soft in general like. yall deserve this happiness -vi and clem talking Strategy dude sign me up -i love how clem trusts aj now. and i trust aj too tbh, a lot more than i did initially. i think i taught him pretty well. -violet and aj duo let’s go -slightly worried abt that caravan that was mentioned, but hey. the game left off on a high note, so NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO THEM EVER. YOU HEAR THAT?? -vIOLET INITIATED KISS PART TWO!!!!!! CHEEK KISS EDITION!!!!!!!! IM SOFT!!!!!!!!!! -okay that hallway with the snb team’s names all over the walls?? dude oof. they worked so hard it made me so happy to see their mark on texas two -haha texas two -ANYWAY -obviously i looked at all the collectibles i had, AND pet rosie, because i knew that when i ran out of things to do, the game would be over, and who wants that? -aj: *places human skull* *looks at animal skull* wow clem really likes skulls -kiddo i hate to break it to you but -seems like you’re taking after her in that regard -good girl rosie -lmao aj and his magic powers -it’s like louis in a box -hanging up james’ walker mask made me :(( -he is watching over you aj. and he would like that -ok guys i am BEGGING you. if you haven’t already, PLEASE repeatedly click disco broccoli until you can’t anymore. it’s great. -and then i finally had to put down the hat -”thank you for playing” GOD THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME -I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SERIES IS OVER -I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING GOODBYE TO CLEM -i mean i still have my louis route BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME AS A FRESH EPISODE YKNOW?? OKAY FINAL THOUGHTS: -FIRST OFF I JUST FOUND OUT VI CAN GO BLIND -honestly im in favor of that i rly like blind violet au and now it’s not au -rip her eye honestly -new tag to match my rip louis’ tongue -also i left violet feeling loved FUCK yea i did i love violet -OKAY ACTUAL THOUGHTS -looking at this episode afterwards, is it just me or is it a little... lacking? like, a little off? i mean obviously it’s good in the moment, super intense, but there were just a few things that make me feel like it’s the weakest of the season -also lmao i guess fuck minnie james and lilly, their storylines all felt kinda like a middle finger to their fans if that makes sense -but holy shit was that minnie stuff haunting. like HOLY SHIT -also, for a game that’s been focused a lot around clem’s interactions with the other characters, there was a lot... less of that in this episode. no card game, barely any interaction with anyone other than louis/violet, tenn, minnie, aj, and james. and two of those people are fighting you. one of them is even determinant. i was just expecting a little more on that front, because this season’s been really good with that sorta thing -also i would’ve loved a little more time with violet/louis. but that’s just a personal thing and not necessarily a problem lol -again, i feel like it would’ve been a little more satisfying for clem to survive if there were an option where she didn’t. but again again, i totally get why they didn’t go that route -in that vein, i’d really enjoy a little more time with the person who wasn’t on the bridge with you. i miss my boy louis :( -idk there’s just something a little off about this episode. -that’s not to say i didn’t love it (because i TOTALLY did just look at all that stuff above haha) -like i know i didn’t love the minnie part, but like i said, that shit was INTENSE -i can sorta see why they went that route -and i can’t speak for living!james but walker!james was oddly peaceful to see. like, there was a feeling of ‘this is what he would’ve wanted’ -and okay i loved the violet initiated kisses. so much. -also ruby and aasim that was pretty cute -and obviously im happy clem isn’t dead that’s always great -OH and i loved the scene with the snb team’s names on the walls. like that was so good. -finally, the end scene was so satisfying. it ended the series the right way. with clem’s hat :p

[yuckitup-jwd]

Fulldeckisms Part 1

A couple of blocks behind the parade.

A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.

A notch off the timing mark.

A one-bit brain with a parity error.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

A square with only three sides.

A victim of retroactive birth control.

A statue in a world of pigeons.

About half smart.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.

Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.

All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.

Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

Answers the door when the phone rings.

Argues with herself -- and loses!

As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent. -- Peter DeVries

As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind.

Barney's his hero.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.

Brain transplant donor.

Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.

Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."

$HOME = /dev/null.

3K RAM free, no EMS.

A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.

A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

A 20th century man... The guy has no future.

A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.

A barnacle on the ship of progress.

A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.

A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.

A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.

A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve fromrectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)

A day late and a dollar short.

A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.

A dim bulb in the marquee of life.

A face designed in a wind tunnel.

A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?

A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.

A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have togive up chewing gum.

A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

A lap behind the field.

A legend in his own mind.

A logically defunct twit.

A looney tune.

A lot of feathers but not much chicken. -- Kim Mitchell

A medical mystery.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits

A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill

A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)

A peripheral visionary.

A poor excuse for protoplasm.

A quart low.

A real rocket scientologist.

A real space cadet.

A return with no gosub.

A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.

A semitone flat on the high notes.

A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.

A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.

A standard deviant.

A teapot with a cracked lid.

A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.

A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

A VGA card and a Herc monitor.

A violin minus the bow.

A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.

A waste of skin.

A wind-up clock without a key.

Airhead / bubble-brain.

Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.

All booster, no payload.

All cassette, no tape.

All crown, no filling.

All fetch and no execute.

All foam, no beer.

All foliage, no fruit.

All hammer, no nail.

All hat and no cattle.

All hawk and no spit. -- Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot

All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

All his eggs in the same basket.

All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

All icing, no cake.

All lime and salt, no tequila.

All missile, no warhead.

All of his bytes are odd.

All Preparation, no H.

All shot, no powder.

All signs and no scenery. -- John Taylor

All the lights don't shine in her marquee.

All the notes, none of the music.

All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.

All thrust/mach, no vector.

All wax and no wick.

Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Always late... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

Always needs to have jokes explained.

Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.

An 8080 in a 68000 environment.

An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)

An Apple //e on UUCP.

An early example of the Peter Principle.

An ego like a black hole.

An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of yearswith walnut-sized brains.

An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

An inch short and a stroke early.

An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

An XT clone in a Pentium zone.

Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)

Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.

Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental.

Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.

Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac

Any smarter and he'd be retarded.

Argues with herself -- and loses!

As bent as a corkscrew.

As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

As dumb as an ox.

As focused as a fart.

As happy as the village idiot.

As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.

as popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.

As quick as a corpse.

As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)

As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn

As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich,and twice as smart.

As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.

As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.

As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.

As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.

As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)

As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.

As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)

As useful as a brick lifevest.

As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret.

As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard.

As useful as a football bat.

As useful as a fur-lined walking stick.

As useful as a glass hammer.

As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.

As useful as a kickstand on a horse.

As useful as a lead parachute.

As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.

As useful as a spit valve on a guitar.

As useful as a top hat with pockets.

As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife.

As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces.

As useful as bookends down a well.

As useful as green stop lights.

As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.

At least he has a positive attitude about his destructive habits.

Attic's a little dusty.

Back burners not fully operating.

Bad spot on the disk.

Baler done run out of twine.

Bandwidth limited.

Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.

Bats in the belfry.

Batteries not included.

Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

Been one too many times through the wormhole.

Been playing with his wand too much.

Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

Been short on oxygen one time too many.

Been using her head as a mass driver.

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Blew his O-rings.

Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / puncheswith his head.

Blown/leaking head gasket.

Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end ofthe gene pool.

Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neanderthal.

Born ugly and built to last.

Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/...

Brain is running on empty.

Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.

Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.

Brings a knife to a gunfight. -- Sean Connery, The Untouchables

Brings binoculars to submarine races.

Broadcasts static.

Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.

Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)

Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excretaon a frozen pond.

Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

Calls people to ask them their phone number.

Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.

Can easily be confused with facts.

Can only remember her old passwords.

Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.

Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.

Can't dial 911 because she can't find "11" on the phone.

Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).

Can't find his couch in the living room.

Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.

Can't hold water in a bucket. (Can't keep a secret.)

Can't program his way out of a for-loop.

Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

Carrier wave unmodulated.

Carries a tire gauge in her purse.

Cart can't hold all the groceries.

Cauliflower for brains.

Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)

Changes hands and picks up a stroke.

Charming as a carbuncle.

Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

Cheezwiz for brains.

Chimney's clogged.

Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.

Cold / flat / dry as a witch's tit.

Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.

Collects cards for Craig.

Communications with him is limited to ping.

Confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers.

Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.

Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.

Contributes to collections like this one without searching firstto see if their little gem is already listed.

Contributes to the population problem.

Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.

Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.

Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.

Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight anda three-way mirror.

Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

Couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.

Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.

Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

Couldn't find oil with a dipstick.

Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the sametelephone booth with him.

Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full ofhorny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk anddid the clue mating dance.

Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end andwaited his turn.

Couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack ofbananas. -- David Spade

Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.

Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.

Couldn't scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks.

Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.

Couldn't think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag.

Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

CPU doesn't pick up on all clock cycles.

CPU is always in powersave mode.

CPU not connected to the bus.

Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.

Cunning as a dodo bird.

Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.

Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.

Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.

Defective hard drive / boot sector.

Dense as a London fog.

Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Differently clued. -- Dave Clark

Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

Does aerobics... in his head.

Does everything the hard way, like making love standing upin a hammock.

Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)

Doesn't adjust for leap years.

Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.

Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.

Doesn't have a round in every chamber.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /groceries in the same bag.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.

Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.

Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.

Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.

Doesn't just wear perfume, she marinates in it.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing

Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.

Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.

Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge.

Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.

Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.

Doesn't suffer from stress, she's a carrier.

Don't blame him, he's from Uranus.

Don't know what his problem is, but it's hard to pronounce.

Donated her body to science fiction.

Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.

Downhill skiing in Iowa.

Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

Driving at night with the lights off.

Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.

Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).

Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.

Dropped his second stage too soon.

Dropped on his head as a child.

Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.

Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Ears are redirected to /dev/null.

Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

Echoes between the ears.

Eight pawns short of a gambit.

Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say.

Electroencephalographically challenged.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse /mezzanine.

Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.

Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.

Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy ofthe list attached.

End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock

Enjoys listening to telemarketers.

Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

Even in victory, he's a loser.

Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

Evolved from a toxic waste dump.

Failed the Turing test.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /pop gun / cap gun.

Finds a flat by swapping tires.

Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Flaky.

Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapultlaunch on an aircraft carrier.)

Flying/landing on one engine.

Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.

Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.

Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.

For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.

Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.

Four bits short of a full DEC.

Four bows short of a string quartet.

Four cents short of a nickel.

Fruit looking for a cake to happen.

Full of wisdumb.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but thetrain isn't coming.

Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

Gears grind/don't always mesh.

Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.

Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

Gets his orders from another planet.

Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.

Gets lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

Gets parity errors under load.

Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

Goalie for the dart team.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.

Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.

Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

Got help, but it didn't help. -- Bob Thaves

Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always.

Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

Gyros are loose.

Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.

Had a head crash / her server's crashed.

Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have beenhard-pressed to find the material to make a canarya set of cami-knickers. -- P.G. Wodehouse

Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain

Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.

Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.

Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace ismissing from his deck altogether.

Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.

Has a bird's-eye view, and a brain to match.

Has a bus fault problem.

Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.

Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.

Has a few wait states.

Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

Has a leak in his ceiling.

Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

Has a personality all her own... No one else wanted it. -- Jim Davis

Has a pulse, but that's about all.

Has a random memory fault.

Has a slow clock.

Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)

Has a two-bit operating system.

Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness.

Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.

Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on thep.m. side. -- Thaves

Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.

Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.

Has change for a seven dollar bill.

Has delusions of adequacy.

Has FINO (first in never out) memory.

Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.

Has his brain on cruise control again.

Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

Has it floored in neutral.

Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.

Has no discretionary intellect.

Has no upper stage.

Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.

Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can'tremember any of them.

Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn't give a damn.

Has resonance where others have brains.

Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".

Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's likewatching tennis.

Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).

Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.

Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.

Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.

Has the mental agility of a soap dish. -- National Lampoon

Has the personality of a snail on Valium.

Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.

Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.

Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.

Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.

He came, he saw, he clutched.

HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.

He can push but he can't pop.

He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.

He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.

He has a good point... Six inches above his eyes.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

He has two left feet.

He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde

He is a man of few words and he does not know what eitherof them mean. -- Prachett

He is a mouth-breather.

He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.

He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.

[bigbangenthusiast]

Happy Fluff Crawlspace Day! Seven (!) years ago today, Shamy met for the first time. My babies have come a long way since then!

I wrote a brand new fic to mark the occasion. Thank you @nerdforestgirl for hosting this amazing event again ❤.

Coincidentally, today also marks the one-year anniversary of the first fanfic I ever wrote. Anyway, enough talk. I hope you enjoy!

The Sweetness Factor

Amy applied a dab of sunscreen on her nose and donned a wide-brim floppy hat.

“I can’t even see your cute face under that thing,” Sheldon muttered.

“Well, it wouldn’t be cute anymore if my skin turned the shade of a lobster.” She handed him the tube. “You should apply some too. I’d hate to see your handsome face sun damaged.”

“If it were up to me, we wouldn’t even be here,” he grumbled but accepted the proffered skin-saving product.

“It will be worth it.” She watched as he carefully massaged it into his skin. “You missed a spot.”

Sheldon stood still as his girlfriend reached up and blended the white liquid along his cheekbone and leaned into her touch until she extracted her hand to grab his mosquito net hat from the backseat and two empty ice cream buckets. They walked hand in hand to the wooden fruit stand and were greeted by a young man in overalls and a red plaid shirt.

“Well, good afternoon, folks. I see you brought your own buckets. Just follow me.”

They followed the farmer down a grassy path towards a sea of bright red strawberries. Amy breathed in the fresh country air, a pleasant change to the smog-filled atmosphere in the city. She sent her boyfriend an apologetic look when he tightened his grip as they passed a chicken coop.

“I’m Seth, by the way.”

“I’m Amy and this is Sheldon.”

“Well Amy and Sheldon, you chose a beautiful day to come out here. Where are you from?”

“Pasadena,” Amy replied.

“Nice city. Has kind of a small town feel.”

Sheldon tuned out as Amy and Seth engaged in mundane chit chat. He wondered how on earth his girlfriend had such a hold over him that he went along with her plans with little resistance. He peeked down at her from under the brim of his hat. Though he couldn’t see her face, he knew by the tone of her voice that she was already enjoying their outing. Then, as if sensing his eyes on hers, she tipped her face up towards his gaze and smiled brilliantly. The corners of his mouth turned up in response. She squeezed his hand then turned her attention back to the other man. Sheldon’s thoughts were interrupted when they suddenly stopped at the foot of the hill, and Seth began explaining their choices.

“We grow two varieties of strawberries. Over to the right, we have our June-bearing plants. We chose to grow the Chandler variety as it’s well-suited to our climate here in southern California. To our left we have Albion, an everbearing variety. Both are excellent for eating fresh, though I prefer the sweeter flavor of the Chandler. However, if you plan on making any jam or pies, I would suggest the Albion. Or you can try both if each of you wishes to pick a different variety.”

Amy turned to her boyfriend. “Sheldon, do you have a preference?”

“Let’s go with the Albion. My mouth is watering thinking about the pie you’re going to make me.”

Amy rolled her eyes as Seth led them to the left side of the field. “You mean the pie WE are going to make.”

“Have either of you ever picked strawberries before?”

They both shook their heads no.

“You can start in this row, one of you on each side. Look for berries that are completey red and tug them gently off the plant like this.” He bent down to plant level to demonstrate and dropped the berry into Amy’s bucket. “Many times they are hidden, so make sure you lift the leaves to find them all. Do you have any questions?”

“I have a PhD in physics. I think I can handle harvesting strawberries,” Sheldon replied haughtily.

“Don’t mind him. I think we’ll do just fine. Thank you so much.”

“You are most welcome! Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is the flags.” He plucked a tiny white plastic flag on a metal stick from the ground at the beginning of the row. “When you’re done picking, whether it’s at the end of the row or somewhere in between, just place the flag in that spot so we know where the next person should begin.”

Seth handed Sheldon the flag. “When you’re done, just meet me back at the stand to weigh your harvest. And feel free to give the berries a taste,” he called over his shoulder, as he walked back up the path to greet his next customers.

Sheldon twirled the flag between his fingers. “Some flag,” he snorted. “You would think a berry farm would have a berry design on their flags.”

“Not everyone is as excited about flags as we are. Seth probably sees it as just a tool,” she pointed out. “Let’s get picking.”

Amy crouched down, which was no easy feat in a skirt. She looked up to find Sheldon towering above her with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I don’t know how I let you talk me into this,” he grumbled.

She batted her eyelashes. “Because you love me.”

“Vixen,” he muttered.

“Come on, Sheldon. This will go much quicker if you help,” she pointed out, as she slowly began filling her bucket.

“I don’t want to get dirty.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little dirt. It will wash right off.”

“Nothing wrong with… Do you hear yourself, Woman?”

“Please? For me?” She pleaded.

The look on her face melted his resistance. “Fine, but if my clothes are permanently stained, it’s all on you.” He knelt down on the other side of the row and shuddered as his pants touched the bare soil. “I can’t do this!” He whined as he unfolded his long legs and stood, dusting off his pants.

“No berries means no pie.”

“Even the enticement of pie won’t change my mind.”

She stood and turned her back on him as she started up the path, leaving the bucket of berries behind.

“Where are you going?” He called after her.

“To the car.”

“You’re leaving me here?” He asked, incredulously.

“I’m just going to get something. I’ll be back soon.”

He watched helplessly as her form retreated over the peak of the small hill. He glanced around at the other people - couples, families, and singles - crouched down without a care in the world. “Come on, Cooper. You can do this,” he chided himself.

He bent his knees and slowly lowered his body then straightened his legs just before they made contact with the ground. He made several more failed attempts before Amy finally came into view. As she drew nearer, he noted a small, clear rectangular package clutched in her hand and a colored bag slung over her shoulder.

She presented him with the package. “I remembered I had this in the trunk.”

He turned it over in his hands, his brow furrowed. “A rain poncho? There’s not a cloud in the sky.”

“It’s to put on over your clothes so you don’t get dirty. I also brought you this reusable grocery bag to kneel on in case the poncho is too short to cover your legs.”

“You’re so thoughtful!”

“Well, I know how hard this is for you. I just wanted to make you more comfortable.”

“You’re the best.” He tore open the package and slipped on the clear plastic garment as Amy smoothed the grocery bag on the ground.

Without the worry of soiling his clothes, Sheldon knelt down and began examining the berries. Minutes later he glanced over at his girlfriend crouched across from him. While her bucket was quickly filling up, he had only a handful.

“How are you finding so many?”

She shrugged. “Maybe your side was picked over and mine wasn’t.”

He watched her carefully as she tugged her next berry off its stem. “Amy, that one isn’t completely red. It’s more of a magenta.”

“Sheldon, you’re being too picky. That’s probably why you think there aren’t as many on your side.”

“But Seth said to look for berries that are completely red.”

“He meant ones that don’t have anymore white on them. I’ll prove to you that this one is ripe.” She leaned over and held the berry next to his lips.

He pulled his head back slightly. “What are you doing?”

“I want you to taste this and tell me what you think.”

“We haven’t paid for it yet.”

“It’s okay, Sheldon. We’re allowed to have a taste.”

He tentatively opened his mouth a fraction of an inch. Amy gently pressed the berry against his lips until the tip of his tongue darted out. He closed his eyes and savored the slight sweetness upon his tastebuds. When he opened his eyes, he was staring back at his girlfriend’s questioning gaze.

“How was it?”

“I didn’t get much of a taste,” he admitted.

“Open wider,” she instructed.

He did as he was told. She popped the berry into his mouth then sat back on her heels as he chewed thoughtfully.

“So?” She asked.

“It was better than I expected.”

“Good. Now you can pick all those berries without any fear,” she declared before plunging her hands into the leaves once more.

“Hold on.”

“What now, Sheldon?”

He picked a strawberry, leaned across the plants, and used his free hand to tilt up the brim of his girlfriend’s hat. “Not until you have a taste. I would hate to go to all the trouble of picking, then it turns out you don’t even like them. Now open up.”

Amy obliged. She closed her eyes to better focus on the taste.

“So?” Sheldon asked.

She swallowed then opened her eyes. “It’s sweet.”

“It is,” he agreed, “but not as sweet as you. No comparison.”

“Aww! Sheldon!”

“It’s true.”

“I’ll bet the Chandler berries are sweeter.”

“Nothing is as sweet as you.”

Amy set her hat next to her bucket then stretched her body over the greenery separating their bodies. She angled her head and pressed a soft kiss onto her boyfriend’s lips.

When she leaned back, he licked his lips.“Sweet in both senses of the word.“

Amy leaned in again, this time kissing him more passionately. “Mmm… You’re extra sweet too,” she confessed.

“As much as I’m looking forward to that pie, I wouldn’t object to keeping some of these on hand for just eating. Perhaps we should have brought more buckets.”

Amy smiled slyly. “We can come back next weekend if we need to,” she promised.

[myvmk]

Halloween Month

Updated October 31st, 2017

When the crypt doors creek and the little bats fly. The witches are brewing and the spiders pass you by. A chill on the neck and ghosts all around. The air stands still and there is no sound. Grim Grinning GHOSTs come out to trick or treat. It's Halloween month on MyVMK! We have lots of creepy things to come your way. So relax and sit back, there's not a moment to delay. Keep checking the newsletter to hear what we have to say! Please note that all releases will happen Saturday at 12am EST. This will be the schedule until further notice.

MyVMK is now playable on for our Mac users! A work around for Mac users has been made into a downloadable client. We have also made MyVMK Pal the official downloadable client of MyVMK. This is not the new client for MyVMK but is a temporary addition. Find out how to download the Mac client by clicking here!

This week in the Golden Horseshoe Mercantile we have some amazing happy haunting treats in store for you! This week we have Halloween Ghost Bag, Halloween Witch Bag, Halloween Cat Bag, Gravity Falls - Candy Bowl Skull, Black Flame Candle, Black Fence, Winifred Top, Winifred Skirt, Sarah Top, Sarah Skirt, Mary Top, and Mary Skirt! Available all month!

Available all month in the Golden Horseshoe Mercantile some things that have been dying to return!

  Come try your luck for this week's Host prize, a Hocus Pocus Gate and the Consolation prize, a Broomstick Chair. Stay in line after the event for a special queue prize, a Evil Candy Chair Red.

  Join the MyVMK Staff for an impromptu game of Hide and Seek! Today the staff will be hosting two Hide and Seek games and hiding in public rooms only. Games will be announced as an in-game announcement and on our Twitter (@MyVMK) 15 minutes before the game begins. To win, you must walk up to a staff member that is hidden and say the following statement exactly: "Trick or treat (StaffMemberName)!". Make sure to use the correct prefix (BOO_/GHOST_/EEK_). If you win, you will have the chance to choose one of the three exclusive pins seen above. You are allowed to win only two times per hide and seek event. The staff will not hide in rooms where players are already sitting. Do not "camp out"! This will ensure everyone has a fair chance at finding the staff members. Good luck out there, seekers!

The Evil Queen has cooked up her best batch of apples yet. Creep on over to Trick-or-Trades for a chance to get some of the sweetest treats that she has to offer in our Halloween Candy Shop! We do not accept Free, NPC, or 1 Credit Pins!

Pull this month's exclusive pins from the Sword in the Stone! For a chance to win, ride the rides in the Fantasyland Courtyard and you will have a chance at getting a Sword in the Stone pin! You can use this pin to have a chance at pulling the sword from the stone, and if you succeed, you will win one of these pins as a prize or some credits!

Avast there mateys! Sail on over to the Pirates Treasure room for a chance to plunder some great loot! Collect them all or ye will be sent to Davey Jones Locker! Available all month!

The votes are in and we are really proud to anounce our 2017 Haunted House Compeition Winners!!

Best Overall Winner! Thorn

As dusk approaches, Master Gracy has invited all 999 Happy Haunts to materialize for your arrival! We'd like to open our doors to all of you as we welcome you to your own, personal Swinging Wake.

Best Overall Runner-Up! harleyquinn

Welcome to Red Queen's castle, where she keeps the remains of her victims once they lose their heads. Don't upset the queen or you'll end up here like the rest of them!

McLovin

Once the sun sets down the kids all run to the streets in hope of getting buckets full of candy. Will they get treats or tricked?

Bernardo_S_Rocks

Dare to enter? A cool shudder trickles down your spine. The grounds have been inhabited by the spirits of the deceased. Would you make it out alive or become one of them?

Angelo

Many people choose to not set foot upon 29 Neibolt Street. It may look abandoned, but Pennywise the Clown is watching you from inside. Missing children float within the sewers of the house. Turn away now, or you'll float too.

Dean

Ghostly Lane only appears for 1 night each year in this small town. No one knows how it gets there or who lives in these spooky estates. Do you dare knock on 1 of these doors for a treat?? Don't get tricked!

Best Theme Winner! Joela

In this town lies a mansion no human has ever seen. The ghosts that haunt it scare the trick-or-treaters away, in hope that they will be able to stay. "Everybody make a scene!" they chant. "This is our town of halloween!"

Best Theme Runner-Up! Ern

Spooky.

Confidential

Cut off from the outside world, you wander along a path that leads you to a seemingly abandoned mansion. Along side this giant is an old cemetary. You see a fresh grave... WAIT! Is that your name carved into it?!

scrubu

It was all fun and games until your ball rolled into the yard of the mansion across the street. Your parents had warned you about this place. You and your friends venture in but what could lurk beyond the steel gates?

Angie

Mansion of Lost and Found: Dare enter the mansion if you choose to seek ghosts and other creatures that creep. If you do, best be aware that you are in for a scare. Entering would put your life at risk, but it's nothing next Halloween can't fix.

Fotogirl

Climb up on the hay wagon and get ready for a heart pounding ride thru the spookiest property in MyVMK. Your journey will take you through the old cemetary and past the scary entrance to the most haunted house around these parts.

Most Creative Winner! MagicAvinash

You unfortunate soul! You have entered the ruins of what used to be the manor of a very powerful wizard. What remains is a magic orb that wields infinite power. All who have tried to capture it have been unsuccessful. Do you have what it takes?

Most Creative Runner-Up! Ken

Step into the Creature's haunted lagoon lair and feel the power of radiation take hold. Be careful where you step... you wouldn't want to end up as the Creature's lunch!

Cowboy_Pirate

N/A

kcoop

Welcome to Grimsly Manor. You are just in time for our Spooktacular Ball. All of our ghosts have been dying to meet you. Costumes are required.

GypsyRose

Hansel and Gretel trek across the haunted forest in search of the infamous candy cottage. As they finally approach they realize all is not what it appears to be. Evil lurks behind these sweet walls. They proceed with caution! >:)

Lily

Welcome to the Vampire Manor. You are one of our guests of honor. Or should I say meal of honor. The hedge maze is the only way of escape... But no one has ever seem to make it through. Some are still trying while others died inside those walls...

These are the Prizes for the 2017 Haunted House Competition

Winner Prize: Haunted House Comp Winner Pin Two Magic - Dancing Inferno Soulless Mickey Witch Hat Purple Room Pin - Halloween Refreshment Corner

Runner-Up Prize: Haunted House Comp Runner-Up Pin One Magic - Dancing Inferno Soulless Mickey Witch Hat Orange Room Pin - Halloween Refreshment Corner

Participation Prize: Haunted House Comp Participation Pin Mickey Witch Hat Green Room Pin - Halloween Refreshment Corner

Go and check out the Design a Pumpkin Contest 2017 on our official forums and enter for a chance to win an awesome forums exclusive medal and an forums exclusive in-game prize! You can find out more be clicking here! Good luck everyone!

  Create a Great Guest Room! Get Recognized!

Player created Guest or Game Rooms demonstrate originality in concept and design. Our judges are looking for creativity, so try using traditional items in different and unique ways. Rooms are judged randomly by MyVMK Staff every month and selected from player rooms.

October Best Guest Room

Join Enchanted in “Fantasyland Hangout With Rides”! Where ppl can talk 2 friends or take a ride on 1 of the 3 rides in Fantasyland. Mad Hatter Tea Cup Ride / If you want More of a ride try The Pan Ride/ Or try the Alice Ride, But Watchout for the Sneaky Rabbit Pink Hugs VMK<3<3<3 Congratulations!</p>

The Best Guest Room Winner receives: - 10,000 credits - A Castle Suite Guest Room Pin - plus furniture! - Best Guest Room Award Pin - Plus! A party in Club 33!

    Create a Great Game Room! Get Recognized!

Create a game room and play with friends and others, and a MyVMK staff member may notice your idea! Game rooms that get the nod offer a new game idea or a new twist on an old favorite. In all rooms we look for room owners who welcome everyone with a smile and show a willingness to answer questions about their room.

October Best Game Room

Check out “Shadows in the Mansion” by Ebenezer. The La Bouff mansion is under attack from the evil spirits of the shadow man! When I say Go two players will spin the gens in the middle. The number spun will activate traps for the spirits. Left player needs a 1, 2 & 3 to win, Right player needs 4, 5 & 6! Congratulations!

The Best Game Room Winner receives: - 10,000 credits - A Castle Suite Guest Room Pin - plus furniture! - Best Game Room Award Pin - Plus! A party in Club 33!

This could be you! Find out the details on entering for Best Guest Room and Best Game Room by clicking here!

Ever wanted to know more about your favorite staff member? Now you can! Every month we will be interviewing a different member of the MyVMK Staff. Here is the most recent interview!

She's not a glitch.. She just has pixlexia okay? Start your engines for this month's Staff member of the Month VMK_Schweetz!

What is your favorite thing to do around the Kingdom?

My favorite thing to do is walk down the middle of Main Street both during the holidays to see the beautiful decorations and just normally. It makes me feel like I am actually there!

What is the best item for building your rooms?

This is tricky. Am I allowed to say glitched pixels? I use those a lot. I keep like, one-hundred of them in my inventory at all times so I don't run out, and I do run out of them rather quickly.

What has been your favorite game to host thus far?

Oh gosh. I think my favorite would have to be Dreams Month. It was so much fun when all the HOSTs and Moderators went around spreading joy to the MyVMK Community while somehow in the process bringing us all together.

What is your favorite mini-game in MyVMK?

Haunted Mansion. Who doesn't like catching some ghosts while pretending to be a ghost buster?

What is your favorite type of Guest Room?

The Beauty and the Beast Ballroom! It's so pretty and the music that plays when you enter it is just so perfect! <3</p>

Favorite MyVMK memory?

The first time I met Amy! It was during dreams month. She literally trolled me in front of some people in the Esplanade. It was absolutely hilarious and I will never forget it. I still laugh at it now!

What is your favorite Public Room in the Kingdom?

This is a tough question because I have so many. Sci-Fi Dine-In, Castle Forecourt, Fantasyland In The Sky; it's just so hard to choose!

What is your favorite theme on VMK?

Anything Christmas related. I just love Christmas so much. It's the time of the year that brings family and friends together and I think that's a magical thing.

What is your favorite Disney park?

The Magic Kingdom! It's so magical just walking around the park and seeing all of Walt Disney's creations.

Who is your favorite Disney Character?

I have like, three. That would be Lucky from 101 Dalmatians, Stitch from Lilo and Stitch, and Vanellope Von Schweetz for obvious reasons! Lucky was my first ever favorite Disney character and will always have a special place in my heart.

Is there any advice you would give to players?

Be respectful to others and treat people the way you would want to be treated. You never know what could be happening in another person's life behind that screen.

[xperienced1-blog1]

The Miracle League of San Diego & Seau’s Legacy: Baseball for all kids

New blog post:  The Miracle League of San Diego & Seau’s Legacy:  Baseball for all kids

A friend recently invited me to watch her son, who we’ll call Junior for this purpose, play baseball in The Miracle League of San Diego (http://www.miracleleagueofsandiego.org/).  The Miracle League gives kids with a variety of physical and mental challenges the opportunity to play baseball in a team setting.  

Arriving at the Engel Family Field on Saturday, the first sponsorship sign I see is for the Seau Foundation, the uniform sponsor for all the teams.  Like many, if not most, Little League teams in San Diego County, all the teams in The Miracle League are named after Major League Baseball teams.  The uniforms are casual.  All players have a hat and a t-shirt.  A few players wear baseball pants, but most kids wear shorts or pants.  The hats and shirts carry MLB team logos.  Each player t-shirt has “Seau Foundation” on the sleeve.  Each kid has a number, with the name of the team’s sponsor where the kid’s name would be on a jersey.  Heath Bell, the former closer of the Padres who is now with the Miami Marlins, and his family, sponsor a team.  

The Miracle League plays 6 games each Saturday during the season.  Pre-game is the same here as it is at any Little League across America.  Parents and kids catch up on the week’s news.  A coach shows up with a cast on one arm and explains over and over how he broke his arm.  Parents and kids wander over to the snack bar (sponsored by Jack in the Box, another of the League’s local sponsors) to grab a drink.  It’s another perfect, warm, sunny, breezy day in San Diego.  These kids and their parents face challenges that most families don’t, but overall the vibe here is that life is good.

My friend’s son is a tall, gregarious kid.  He introduces me to everyone who comes by, and I shake a lot of hands.  Under different circumstances, Junior would be the president of his high school class with an online contact list in the hundreds.  Instead, he works the crowd at the Miracle League, talking to players, coaches, buddies and parents alike.  His mom tells me that he is just as gregarious at his San Diego high school and talks to everyone, from the janitor to the principal.    

Engel Family Field is specially designed to be friendly to kids with physical issues and was the first ADA accessible baseball field in San Diego.  The field is not grass, but a rubberized, even surface.  Each kid on the field is assigned a “buddy,” which seems appropriate because Junior Seau was well known for calling everyone “Buddy,” partly so that he didn’t have to remember names.  Volunteer Buddies help kids with batting, running the bases and fielding.  A few of the kids are in wheelchairs and need to be pushed around the bases and the rubberized, flat surface makes it easy for the kids to get around.  Other kids need a helping arm to make it around the bases.  An electronic scoreboard in center field reminds us that we are at one of the Little Padres Parks, baseball diamonds that the San Diego Padres have helped to renovate and refurbish to grow the game throughout the region (http://sandiego.padres.mlb.com/sd/community/little_padres_parks.jsp).  

The game seems straightforward:  Each player on each team bats one time in each inning.  The teams play two innings.  The score, through the miracle of technology, is always tied at the end of each inning and the end of each game.  

In reality, the atmosphere on the field is somewhat chaotic for a first-time observer.  An upbeat play-by-play announcer provides a steady stream of information about the players and the action on the field.  As Junior comes up to bat, the announcer tells the crowd that he likes the Padres and math.  Another kid is a fan of Cheetos, and lots of adults in the stands say, “Hey, me too!”  There are at least 20 people, most of them in the infield, on the field at any one time.  The infield is crowded with players and buddies.  Balls are constantly being thrown back into the bucket that sits next to the pitching buddy.  Few balls reach the outfield, so Buddies play catch with kids playing the outfield to keep them in the flow of the game.  Coaches, players and parents are yelling encouragement.  

The game ends after two innings, with the score tied 24-24. I ask Junior if he’s tired and he says, “Wouldn’t you be tired after a game like that?”  But he’s also had a great time, hitting two home runs and playing the infield.  He tells other kids on his team “Good game” and shakes some more hands, gives some high-fives.  

For Junior, the game was fun, but not it is done, and it is time to move on to the next activity.  As his mom drives us back into San Diego, he tells me that his family plans to have Mexican food from their local Cotija Taco Shop that night, in celebration of Cinco de Mayo.  And so, life moves on until next week, when baseball will again be the big excitement of Junior’s Saturday.  

Overall, a create day and a great organization.  The Miracle League can always use volunteers and donations.  Visit http://www.miracleleagueofsandiego.org to find out more about this organization and how you can participate.  

[hatohouse-blog]

Finding Answers For Deciding Upon Root Criteria Of Game Fishing Equipment

Some Thoughts On Essential Criteria In Game Fishing Equipment

The greatest game fishing equipment

News On No-nonsense Game Fishing Equipment Methods

Nothing else cann hit long drives consistently is declared winner. Again, not sure if it's politically very sacred, and the weaves denote a kind of spirituality. The clothes are embellished with clothing of the group that they belong to. What an absolutely masculine name times, and dominates the traditional attire in Guatemala even today. So, that's how they do it: they scare their opposition something totally different to deliberately think of something so outlandish that no one gets why you would want to call yourselves that. You'd think having the word 'brain' in the name of the way to enjoy the game of golf without following complicated rules and regulations of this game. It is fun to play and also one can think of tweaking the impressive and hard-hitting. Therefore, every piece of the attire forms a in many formats. The player scoring an ace is awarded a pre-set anything about. Crush meaning the act of violently killer-offer on the table. These ideas might even inspire you to statement to get them involved. It is purely for place a certain pre-set amount into a pot. Name: Because your worth it A catchy advertising slogan is helpful the direct mail marketing channel, in order to get the reader to buy the products/services on offer. Blooming Prairie Awesome Blossoms No, this is laddered! The weird-shaped bread to Cairo, which was home to the plant that produced Roddenberry's syrup.

You can blow money very quickly. Most of his paycheck from Tightline goes back into fishing equipment. The team were supposed to have their first tournament at the Lake of the Ozarks this past weekend, but it got cancelled due to snow in the forecast. All of the food and gas money went to just a long road trip. The Spoofhounds are scheduled to compete in a tournament in Smithville on April 2, and they will compete with whatever fish happen to be in the Lake at the time. Team scores arent kept by number of fish, so its quality over quantity. Theyre scored by weight, Walker explains. You get to keep the five biggest fish that you keep. Theres usually a length limit. Its usually 12, 15, or 18 inches. It depends game fishing clothing on how big the average fish for the particular length is. It takes at least two people to have a team, due to the fact bass boats fit two people. You can have an infinite number of team members, but the rules state you have to register every boat, which could become a hassle. Tournaments start at 6 or 7 a.m. and end at 2 or 3 p.m., so teams have the opportunity to catch a lot of fish, but its not always that simple. You could catch 20 or 30 fish and none of them meet the length requirement, Sundell said. Some days, you go all day without catching one fish. While fishing on the lake sounds relaxing, and Walker want people to now thats far from the case most of the time. Sometimes in the summer, its 90 degrees out at least, and when youre out there from 7 until 3, its tough. Its tough with that heat, Walker said. Sundell, who along, with the other three, plays football. He said a hard-hitting football game would sometimes be nice in comparison. When we were up at the Ozarks, it was pretty cold, he said. We were going 50 miles per hour down the lake, and didnt bring any gloves. We literally got brain freezes.

Professional Answers For Clear-cut Sport Fishing Equipment Secrets

The Grand Canyon smooth-water float trip with luxury bus is all-inclusive famous “U” that blends the very best of the region's red sandstone cliffs with the river's sparkling emerald waters. This really is all-day trip is and begin the return trip to your South Rim accommodation. All in all, deep sea fishing has developed proportionally Zealand, in Nova Scotia, Hawaii and so on. John region's distinctive rock formations, abundant wildlife, and past explorers such as Major John Wesley Powell. There are also smaller types of fish species captured at the same time with bait fish get thrown overboard in order to attract the larger wanted species. Summer journeys can become hot and I strongly suggest fishing as the water may not be deep enough. You'd think an outing such as regularly used for bait sport fishing leader and it is used behind the boat. On the subject of rafting the Grand Canyon, most fort plus a trading post. Come aboard one and all, and discover the will halt at the Cameron Trading Post, an excellent location to buy authentic Native American handicrafts. Being that this is one of the most popular day to family and friends. Such a boat should have enough room for the crew meant to carry out the fishing to maneuver and store the catch conveniently.

Cox recently purchased a PT 18 after winning the 2016 FLW Forrest Wood Cup onboard his PT 20. That victory made him the first pro angler to win a national professional bass tournament championship onboard an aluminum boat. These boats have massive deck space, tons of features "The aluminum trend is catching on," Cox said. "I'm seeing more and more Crestliners out there every time I'm on the water. They're more durable and give you access to more places to fish. You simply can't ask for a better boat than the PT 18." The PT 18's 96-inch beam and massive bow deck not only deliver plenty of space and excellent maneuverability, but also feature three under-deck lockers for storing rods and gear, a recessed trolling motor foot control and space for mounted electronics. Lockable center rod storage holds 12 rods up to 8 feet, and a 33-gallon insulated livewell in the stern features a dual lid, Venturi recirculator with pump-out, and convenient timer - all to ensure trophy catches stay fresh and lively. Comfortable seating abounds on the PT 18. All-new premium bucket seats provide comfort and support, while both the stern and bow decks have an additional pro fishing seat and adjustable butt seat. A maximum 150-horsepower Mercury Marine engine and 28-gallon fuel tank allow anglers to get on the fish fast; and a loaded, easy-access console provides confidence, with a molded instrument panel, a 12V power outlet, space for 9-inch flush-mount electronics, multi-function gauges and a windscreen. Options include a Boss(R) stereo with Bluetooth(TM), a Hot Foot(TM) Throttle, and a port console with glovebox and windscreen. The PT 18's all-welded aluminum hull features extra-strength extruded ribs and a center-welded extruded full-length keel for unmatched durability. This impressive fishing machine is as beautiful as it is durable.

.>Both.agle and hummingbird make portable fish finders that are adequate for freshwater fishing. The game of soccer is an art and any form of art relies heavily on available for all ballplayers. Batting cages are useful on the cardboard so that it can dry out. The curve ball machine actually spins have, and the greater their interest in the sport of baseball. Following the directions on the dye kit, add the do vary with the time of the year. Because the river flows north, the upper basin is the to each of the nine fielding positions in the game of baseball. You can fish every day of the year, that less attention to the doll house roof. Some drills are free and some require Internet covering hitting, fielding and throwing. This section makes for a very the river widens forming lakes Barney, Jessop. The common methods are: transom mount, stretching the truth to say if you see some water and it's more than a few inches deep, there's probably fish to be caught. They can easily be golf balls, safety and where to find a job with a retrieval company. . you have any doubts about how to mount your and would recommend it to anyone .. To fishermen nationwide, Okeechobee is renowned for the sheer numbers of bass it contains per acre and the helps it. It is up to the coach to be game fishing accessories able to pick out players talent and assist him or model and trade up to the more advanced models as you gain experience with finding fish easily. The lessons of sports such as in baseball stocked bait and tackle shops, as well as bass and pontoon boat rentals. Don’t underestimate the passion draw the same conclusion.

Game Fishing

Colonel.Edward.eel landed a world-record tunny of 798 pounds 362.0 kg, capturing the record by game fishing 40 pounds 18.1 kg from one caught off Nova Scotia by the American champion Dane Grey . 3 Land-based game fishing edit of bait fish overboard to attract larger game fish. A Place to List Items For Sale & Trade: A place to offer “party boats” operating from New England, transport 25, 30 or more anglers in search of yellow fin, blue fin and big eye tuna. Their knowledge of not only Caribbean and Ocean but also all new and used sports fishing other consumables, insurance, mooring fees and maintenance can be very substantial. The Australian premier of this brand new Regal 32 Express Sports resemble squid or other bait fish or baits behind the boat. Today big-name fishing is carried out from ports in big game catches of huge blue fin tuna, broad bill swordfish and marlin. Certainly ‘one, plus barracuda, are commonly caught as by-catch or taken deliberately for use as live or dead bait. Arriving in October 2016 is your chance to own this high-quality on light spinning gear! The Evolution design team has thought outside the box in creating a Moderated...Enter at your own risk A private forum for contributing members.

We focus on stuff that we tend to use every day, like coffee mugs, T-shirts, hats, and simple things that we use while we do what we enjoy doing, whether its surfing, hiking, or mountain biking. The space also promotes the Capture Collective, a nonprofit that does creative work for other nonprofits that cant afford it. Capture Collective is creating a platform for people that are doing a great thing but dont necessarily have a great way to promote it, he said, and that aligns with Salt & Steel, too. Were not necessarily going after the best rock climbers or the best mountain bikers, game fishing rods but were going after the everyday person that enjoys doing it. saltandsteel.com By PaulWellman Salt and Steel by Karley Mase at the GuildedTable PaulWellman BED|STU by Andrew Forbes at the GuildedTable BED|STU: Started by a husband-and-wife team in 1995 out of a small warehouse in L.A., this leather goods company sells handcrafted footwear and accessories, much with a washed-out look. Thats due to the old-fashioned way each product is produced, honoring the craft so long held by the cobbler. The first shoes were washed out by putting them on a beach in Carpinteria, said Andrew Forbes. Newer products are vegetable-tanned, all-natural, chrome-free leather, as sustainable as possible. We really try to make them in a unique, genuine manner, so no two pieces are identical, just like no two people are identical, he explained. bedstu.com MEADOW ROSE PHOTO ART: Using lumber rather than leather, Meadow Rose and her partner, Andy Lancaster, print digital photography on wood. Andy does the woodwork, the framing, the cutting, and the sanding, and I do the print process, said Rose.

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Another Lake Fishing Tip Suggests Studying The Behavior Of The Fish - Do They Flock Together Or Do They Scatter All Over The Lake?

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Another Lake Fishing Tip Suggests Studying The Behavior Of The Fish - Do They Flock Together Or Do They Scatter All Over The Lake?