#and I haven't had a media tear me up since 2018

[cursedfavorite]

friday, march 3rd, 2023.

it's been almost a year since i've actually used this blog. i thought of it again for the first time in a while when i googled maddie's name in search of her social media, and found her obituary, instead.

maddie was a girl in my summer camp cabin, back in 2018 and 2019. i keep having to refrain from calling her my friend; we only talked some, we barely interacted outside of camp, and i highly doubt she would've considered me a friend in return. i remember how much i wanted to be her friend, though. i picked favorites at that camp, and she was my favorite, but i thought she was too cool for me, so i decided to not force anything on her too much.

she was a tomboy, and a leader; someone you could depend on. she looked out for the shy kids. she was the main reason our cabin had its inside jokes. she was sassy, and a little dark sometimes. she was the kind of person who doesn't even need to do anything to light up the room. she just had a lively energy about her that made her so easy to like. i also found out through the site that she was a very musical person, and loved the color magenta. if we had been able to interact again today, i think we would have gotten along really well. she died in 2021.

i've been doing badly since finding out about maddie's death. it's changed everything for me. the day i found out, there wasn't a single activity that could get me to forget about her, not even for even a split second. it's been two weeks now, and it's gotten easier, but it hasn't gone away. i don't have to be actively thinking about her anymore for her death to still affect me. i can't eat anymore. me finishing a subway sandwich yesterday was a huge accomplishment. i can't take care of my hygiene anymore. my mouth hurts so bad because i used to be really good at keeping up with brushing and flossing, and now i've stopped almost entirely. i can't sleep anymore. it's midnight right now. my heart is randomly assaulted by such a painful feeling of longing that it feels like it'll burst. i'm at least glad i've stopped bursting into tears. i have to be careful what songs i listen to, because even the ones i wouldn't expect can cause me problems now. memories of her that i haven't even thought of since they were actively happening keep popping into my mind these days, which i'm grateful for because i don't want to forget anything about her. i had abandoned my ukulele, but i started playing it again because i found out she played it. i made a magenta bracelet for her the night i found out, and whenever i really miss her, i slip it on and it helps. i want it to help more, though. i don't want the past to hurt me anymore. i thought i was getting better at not letting nostalgia hurt me, and then she died. my times at camp were the best times of my life, but now i can't look back at them anymore because she was such a huge part of it and her loss soaks into everything.

i just miss her. i really miss her. i looked up to her, and now i'm the one who's older. she's going to stay 15 forever, yet i still see her as a role model, and will continue to. it makes me feel so lost. my dad lives in the city she lived in. we've talked about me visiting him there, and how i wouldn't be able to handle such a long drive, but if i ever end up doing it... i think i'll leave some flowers for her. i'll make sure they're magenta, too.

[i-am-here-with-fanfic]

It was going to happen either way (All Might x Reader) Chapter 1/5

I have a few things to. say: I wrote this story last year (2018) because I was feeling down, I just remembered that it existed in my note app. A few songs were inspired, I will linked them down below, just beware that they are in Spanish, which is why I provided the english lyrics.

~~~

Your dream became a reality.

You became the number 1 musician in the world, with tickets being sold out every time you had a concert to sing at. Your quirk was Empathy, and you used your quirk with the music you made. Being a hero was something you always wanted to be, inspired by the all mighty All Might. Something about him made you happy and his warming grin was it.

But you failed, not having a powerful quirk you knew that you were destined to become a hero but it didn't come to you what until you listened to music. When you were happy, you listened to the music but when you were sad, you listened to the lyrics and it was so weird how music could do that to you, in relating to the music, feeling the emotions.

At age 17, you were given a guitar by your grandpa who was a less popular guitarist and he taught you how to play

In the family reunions, you sang for your family. You let the strumming of your guitar and the lyrics reached into their hearts and understand your message. If it was a happy song, they would get happy. If it was sad, they would get sad. It was a way for you to show your realism ideology to people and you were discovered by a music agency. You were in a hero program, not U.A. because of your lack of combat skills but a program to gain knowledge of heroism. You didn't mind it wasn't U.A. but it was a longshot. You worked hard to graduate with honors and to work in the music agency. You met Present Mic there because of his Mic quirk and you were just intrigued of it. The agency was a hero agency but it also provided music production. You met a lot of people who had instrumental quirks, like a Bass Drum that used his belly to produce the ugliest and the most beautiful bong. The ugliest cause villains to be in pain in their ear drum, the beautiful part was used in the band.

You were the only one that did not have an instrumental quirk but the first one to use your quirk in music that can help people.

In the recording booth, you sat on the chair and when signaled, began singing:

If only you had told me

The truth always

If only you responded to my calls

If only you loved me when I loved you

You would've been in my dreams as the best man

If you didn't know how to love, now is the time to march!

If only you had known what I suffered for you

Having to forget you without knowing why

And now you call, you want to see me

You vowed you changed and think of returning.

Get away from me, there's nothing left to talk about.

With you I lost, now I have someone to win.

And that, was the start of your music career.

The women and even men understood your music, the breakups that lead to crying only made them stronger in finding relationships. Girls would send you fan-mail about them forgetting their ex and finding someone who truly change their life for better and you would respond. That was when your fans were from 200 to 300.

Now, you would send videos of your respond as you read comments from your phone along with your boyfriend (named Hiroki Tsuki, who was number 2 in music), thanking them and responding to the questions. You were kind-hearted, emotional, sympathetic and golden-hearted. With his popularity, you went up to rank 3 but you didn't care since you were blinded by the love you received from him, when you alone and out in public.

In the interviews, you were asked who inspired you to go to the music industry and you responded with:

"I've always wanted to be a hero, and it was every hero that would push me further into having some kind of cool quirk, saving people, making sure they have the best life they can enjoy. But one hero in specific gave me that hope to continue...All Might. When I was given the results and rejected by U.A., I didn't let it affect me, because All Might's smile...he, in some way was giving me this sense of "Don't give up, there's something for you, you just have to search for it"."

You sounded so dreamily, as if he was your prince charming and you were 20 when you gave that answer.

In another interview, you were surprised to see All Might walk out of the curtains in his hero costume. In person, he was incredibly handsome, and the smile you admired for so many years, was bright with hope.

The host of the show made you two play a game after the interview to give entertainment for the audience. The premise here is simple. You square off against a friend in a game of blackjack. The person who loses each hand gets, well, a hand — to the face. And, really, what's more fun than slapping someone with giant prosthetic digits? Playing with All Might who was the inspiration of the giant, foamy hands was a lot of fun and you two were enjoying the game more than expected. He would laugh so heartedly when you had to place the giant hand on his face and you stifled your laughs every time he did it to you.

After it was over, you were inspired to write a song, called "Give you a Kiss." that left people with pleads and theories that you two were dating and your boyfriend jealous.

The lyrics that made so many "(All Might x y/n ship-name)" fans born and take over the internet was:

"To love you how I love you is complicated

Thinking how I think of you is a sin

To look at you like I do is prohibited

Touch you how I want to is a crime

Now I don't know what to do

For you to be okay

To turn off the sun to light up your smile

Speak in Portuguese

Learn to talk French

Or bring the moon to your feet

I only want to give you a kiss

And give you my mornings

Sing to calm your fears

I want you to not miss a thing."

When that was published, you were ranked number 1 from fans' support and the music productions.

That was also when hell was at your doorstep. You were eating with your boyfriend in a restaurant, you peacefully and he was tensed. You noticed but you didn't want to ask, he was like this for a long time and you were afraid of him hurting you with words. You gulped softly and risked it all, just so you can get it out of the way, "What's wrong, Tsuki?"

You sounded so calm, you wanted to let him know that you wanted to talk about it and he took it the wrong way. Even your quirk didn't work on him. He was too prideful and too angry, his emotions controlled him.

The next thing you didn't expect and it felt like it was going slow when you saw him push the table away, causing many gasps and screams to appear. You sat there, in shock and you saw a beast right across you.

"YOURE CHEATING ON ME ARENT YOU?! WITH THAT STUPID HERO, ALL MIGHT!! ARENT YOU?!"

You were humiliated but you continued to sit there, "I'm not...you should know this Tsuki...You read all my messages, I know how Open I am..."

He scoffs, his eyes going red. His quirk was mood. His eyes change color by which mood he was, now you really knew he was mad and he was capable of hurting you and others but you sat there in shock, not knowing what to do. His target was you, that you knew.

"YES, I KNOW HOW OPEN YOU ARE." And he chuckles, "I WAS THE ONE WHO OPENED YOU UP!!!"

You felt tears go down your cheeks, you couldn't believe your ears. He was betraying you and humiliating you further.

"DID "HE" OPEN YOU UP MORE? HUH?! DID YOU OPEN UP FOR HIM?!"

"YOU IDIOT!" You cried out, looking down a bit. "YOU IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!!" Paparazzis were taking pictures and videos of the incident. Some people were already recording.

You cried, hoping someone was going to save you and you silently prayed for someone to save you and it was your security. Police arrived and pushed the paparazzi out of the way and held down Tsuki to take him to jail for public destruction in the restaurant.

You were taken to your house and you called the agency to cancel your tours and interviews. You were in your house for 2 months crying and screaming. Paparazzi tried to get you vulnerable but you were completely isolated, thanks to your security, it was very likely you can cry in peace.

You watched TV, news about the scene that ocurred. The humiliation that made you go through and to start blaming on All Might.

"If he hadn't been in the host show, Tsuki wouldnt have been jealous."

"You stupid All Might fans, is this what you support? The violence that had to go through the greatest couple in the world? Stop this Ship now!!"

You were infuriated that they do that when he had no relation to it. You haven't posted on social media in that time frame, you haven't even turned on your phone to avoid calls and messages until now.

You opened up your laptop and read every message. Many called you vulgar names, some gave you inspiring messages, that it was going to end soon, that was going to be okay. Someone even gave you the link to your first song. The song that started all. The song of betrayal and going forward. Your mind took control and made you look at the TV screen, to see a sad host older woman of the show.

"...I will risk my own life, my own job just to say this in front of the cameras and I hope your watching this (y/n). And I hope you ungrateful people watch this. I am a quirkless human, I have a family. (Y/n) had a terrible day and you defending the awful Hiroki tsuki is worse than being called a criminal. What has she done to him? To you? You remember how she started? By singing from her heart, from her emotions. To let you know that you are not alone and through her music to help you move on. After this ocurred, what did you do?" She was glaring at the camera, her fist clenched. You cried silently as you heard her defend you. You released your quirk, for kilometers so everyone can feel what you felt. The pure sadness that erupted from you. You saw the lady on TV stop glaring and her eyes start tearing up. " I know I'm not the only feeling that...you guys feel that? She's sad!! She sad for what you made! SHE MADE MUSIC FOR YOU, TO HELP YOU RECOVER AND NOW THAT THIS HAPPEN, WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR HER?! WELL, I AM HERE! (Y/N), I AM HERE!!!"

Your quirk was on for more than two minutes and such power made you bleed through your mouth, coughing out a bit and when hearing that from her, you smiled small and that emotion travelled through the people until it got to the woman again. She relaxed a bit and smiled softly.

"Let me in honey...please...my sweet daughter...let me be there for you." As she let the tears roll down her face. There was a sense of hope, until you felt a quick pain in your head from a whack that immediately stopped your quirk to function as you fell unconsciously on the fell and the man in the shadows, with maroon eyes glared at you.

He punched the wall and that caused the news and paparazzi to look over at your house. To see you in your white pajamas being taken by someone fast. He laughed for a short while he taken you somewhere.

[lokaneiscanon]

Mighty Thor in Thor: Love and Thunder rant

Seeing Natalie Portman returning to reprise her role as Jane Foster, nevertheless wielding Mjolnir, finally getting the treatment this character deserves, was surreal to say the least. I had just started reading Lords of Midgard, the 8th issue of Mighty Thor (2015 - 2018), and had fallen in love already. But I didn't suspect at all that Taika Waititi would pull this card in Thor: Love and Thunder, considering Jane was barely mentioned in Ragnarok. The news about my favorite actress portraying one of my favorite characters coming out of the blue - you can imagine the excitement. Alas, I quickly remembered what the fandom thought of that comic (at least on tumblr) and imagined it now growing tenfold, cuz not everyone in the MCU fandom reads comics but pretty much everyone wants to watch another Thor movie. And yes, many fans weren't ready for this step, still recovering from Sam Wilson getting the shield in Endgame. Which is completely fine. We're not obligated to like everything Marvel throws in our faces, we're allowed to criticize and express our opinion on the internet or wherever. What is not okay is mindlessly hating, and even worse - using false facts to support said opinion.

I have seen some people using the argument that it is one of Marvel's worst selling comics. Which has already been proven wrong by multiple sites, including Comichron, just Google it, as I did myself. I read multiple posts, ones saying how good Jane is doing as Thor in sales, others disproving this, so I checked for myself the numbers at the site mentioned above month by month to be sure. The comic truly had its downfalls as the story progressed but in my opinion it's normal for the 1st issue to have more sales than the 21st. If we compare it to Unworthy Thor, which started running a bit later and followed the now unworthy Odinson, the data shows the latter had more sales. But then again, while Might Thor was at its 17th issue, Unworthy Thor was at its 2nd. Also, they later crossed paths, shared comic issues, it's fair to say they go hand in hand and Jason Aaron, the author, probably doesn't want us to compare them, as they complete and compliment each other's stories. Still I decided to check the comic that made Thor unworthy in the first place - Thor: God of Thunder (2012 - 2014), which seemed to me more "comparable" to Might Thor (2015 - 2018). *I keep putting the years it was being released so as to not be confused with previous Mighty Thor issues, whole Odinson was still Thor, please bear with me* So yes, the numbers were pretty close, but from what I saw, Mighty Thor had the upper hand if we compare first issue to first issue and so on. (In defense of Odinson, we have to take into account that this data is only from the US and does not include digital sales. Also, he's been around since the 50s. We could argue Jane was a breath of fresh air that some Marvel fans were indeed ready for. As a non-American, and also a person without a hint of knowledge in economics I cannot take into account inflation and whatever else has prevented or enabled Americans to get their hands on the comics or has affected prizes through the years. Bear that in mind.) Moreover, from what I saw on Comichron, both comics had much competition - God of thunder was released along with Avengers vs the X-men, the Uncanny X-men, pretty popular at the time, and the Goddess of Thunder faced Civil War 2 and DC Universe Rebirth (yes, DC is in the game too), also dominating with tremendous sales for the longest time. Yet I stick with my original statement - both Thors are valid and shouldn't be put against one another regardless of profit. Because at the end of the day what will matter the most is the story. And boy, what a story it is.

Now, I haven't read the Thor: God of Thunder, but as I was doing research I found one very well written summary and explanation of Thor's arc and his becoming unworthy and I will post a link below, because I honestly feel I wouldn't be doing this comic a favor by describing it without having read it. Which I plan to do in the future, tbh. It's a fantastic prelude to the Mighty Thor (2015 - 2018) that I've come to love. First, I'd like to ask you all to stop hating on the comic without having read it first. It doesn't make any sense and being petty for the sake of being petty won't benefit neither you, nor anyone, really. Now, about the comic itself - the art is magnificent. It's just gorgeous. Mighty Thor isn't , thank all the gods, sexualized, she is pretty buffed and generally looks like a warrior. As it is with the other characters, I dare say. The background truly captures the essence of every world Jane finds herself on. Action scenes are just the right amount and balanced with dialogue well. On a side note, it's pretty funny to read/listen to in your head the Shakespearean English cursive in which Jane talks as Thor. The plot line branches beyond this comic, starting from Thor: God of Thunder and leading to the War of Realms. And it is elaborately built in every issue. You don't know what to expect, yet it makes sense when it happens. Which leads me to the characterizations. My God, what a treat Loki is in this. Clearly, my opinion is kinda biased, since he's my favorite character, but you never know which side he's on. What his motivations are. And it just feels so... Loki. His writing is brilliant. Almost makes me forget what the MCU did to him. Also, he gets some daddy time with Laufey (not as kinky as I make it sound). Frigga/Freyja is just as awesome as in the MCU, even more, at least in the comics she calls Odin out on his shit, who btw is I guess an asshole in every version and universe. Malekith, the main villain, is unbearably despicable, I want to tear every page he is on. He really was mishandled in the Dark World, if you want some true action with the dark elves, you are welcome to enjoy. I saved the best for the end - Jane Foster/ Might Thor. Now, if you think Dr. Foster spends her time boasting about her worthiness and how Odinson is just called Thor, but she is Mighty Thor, you are horribly wrong. She just... does her job. Because the hammer chose her. Because there's no one else to do so. That's it. If you think there's some feminism involved, yes, there sure is, but it certainly isn't the reason Jane became Thor in the first place. It was not the creators going SJW because it's trendy, as such a mindset is honestly offensive to any descent creator with any self respect, but a well thought out story arc, which, I repeat, you have to read the comic to understand. Jane is not at all whiny about the hate she gets in-universe, not only from foes like Odin and who-not, but from Shield and generally people whose asses she's saving. Her having cancer is not something they pulled to provoke sympathy and make her look like a victim - on the contrary, she is a damn hero and a victor. I don't want to give out spoilers, but her being Thor is actually a giant sacrifice that no one really appreciates (both in-universe and in the fandom). She is not Thor to prove she can be, or just to prove "women can be heroes" - she doesn't have to. She is simply needed by the realms and so she does her job, even though she is called a thief, persecuted and generally hated. All that matters is that the hammer finds her worthy - the beauty and simplicity of that fact you will find out, for the last time, if you read the comic.

I'm not making you read the comic or watch Thor: Love and Thunder. I myself don't know what to make of this film yet because there's barely any information about it. I only know it will be based on the comic so that's a reason for my hopes to be up already. On the other hand, since I didn't like Loki's characterization in Ragnarok, I'm not sure what to expect from Taika. There are valid reasons to not like the idea of Jane returning to the MCU as Thor, which you are entitled to. However, reasons such as "why does everything have to be political these days" are not. Because if I had to make a list of everything politically related in the MCU, it would take forever. Steve Rogers kills nazis is the most blatant example. Make of it what you want. But I think we're far enough into the 21st century to realize art and real life are not that separable. It's undeniable that art affects people and that is to say, people everywhere. And they all have different opinions and aren't gonna like everything media is offering to them. And I wish I could simply tell you not to watch the movie but I'm a Marvel fan too and I understand that I can't just take away Thor from you because I want Mighty Thor as well. But none of us can stop Marvel from producing it. So, to quote an image I saw recently, I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. Let the rest of the fandom enjoy what they want to enjoy. Yes, ik I can play around with the tags and avoid posts that unnerve me but, for example, I'm looking up Mighty Thor fanart, which obviously isn't anti-Mighty Thor, yet I get attacked in the comics for anticipating a movie that doesn't even have a full cast yet. Ik I'm not asking for too much when I wish to get the same internet experience (not only tumblr, but also insta, YouTube, Twitter, any site) as the Thor Odison fans, for example. I'm aware I cannot stop all the toxic fans and the trolls but I hope this post has inspired those of you who simply can't envision Jane as Thor, or don't like Natalie Portman in the role, or whatever eles personal preference that doesn't involve political issues and isn't harmful to the community, not to attack every post on your dash with hate. The movie is called LOVE and Thunder, for God's sake. (on a side note, is a franchise that is too afraid to show LGBT characters for more than 1 minute so as to not lose profit from China, THAT politically correct)

Anyway, that was a veeeery long rant, sorry to whoever reads this but, like, please, I put effort into this, hoping this time around I won't be the only positive reviewer of a movie, like I was with Solo: a Star Wars story (yes, I'm still bitter about this), which was boycotted for no apparent reason but was a decent film in reality, and I'm only bringing it up because it has a similar experience to Love and Thunder for getting hate before even being released. I'm not defending a billion dollar company that flopped in box office once, I'm defending the viewer's right to media they are interested in. If you don't like the character, remember - that's your opinion, not a fact that the character sucks. Kudos.

Not very easy to navigate, I advice you to do the research month by month individually for comics you'd like to compare. Also, if you happen to find more reliable data, pls say so in the comments.

Here you have the summary and explanation of the greatness of Thor: God of Thunder, Jesus, I'll go bankrupt if I buy this one too.

Yes, I want to end the sales dispute once and for all, I'm tired of seeing it on my dash. This guy probably explains it better than I did.

@awesomejenlawrence you said you'd like to read this and I delivered

[talyn-the-warlock]

Thank you, Guardian.

I'm now up to 40 followers. This...is a big number for me. When I began my blog, I never really had considered that I would build a following of any kind. I mainly conceived this for the fun of it, scarcely thinking that people might enjoy my musings. But here I am, with forty of you. I don't even know forty people personally. It's more staggering than I had thought.

Today, with this in mind, I wanted to explain my relationship with this game we love so much. Out of character, perhaps, but in the end its a journey my muse and I have been on together.

Destiny is truly a dear thing to my heart. I've played off and on casually since 2014, but my love truly began with the release of The Taken King. When I wasn't blistering my thumbs tearing into the game, I was spending hours watching lore videos, truly consuming every facet of this beautiful canon. It remains today, in 2018, my favorite game and, moreover, piece of science fiction media. Even considering my on again, off again relationship with the second installment before Forsaken seduced me again. I've marked my skin for the love of this canon, and I'll bear my tattoos and love for Destiny forever, even when the servers go dark and Bungie stops making content.

With any expansive canon I enjoy, OCs come naturally. Talyn wasn't Talyn at first; funnily enough, her class and appearance were decided on a whim when I first played on the request of my dear friend, the one responsible for Hangman-17. But as time went on, and TTK jacked my interest, Talyn emerged as my "in" into the wide world of Destiny. Her story in the world is painted along the footsteps of mine in the game, and it's been...a relief for me, to have it and her.

I haven't spoken of my real life at all, and I'll spare you the details to be certain, but it isn't easy. I don't believe anyone's really is. But through any trial or hardship or heartbreak, Destiny has been a constant for me since 2014. Four long, full, confusing, trying, and sometimes happy years. This is more than a game to me, and that's a stake I know Talyn and I share.

I hope to find another forty of you. And another after that. I want to scream from the rooftops how much I adore this canon, this game, this lore and player community. Guardians are never alone, we truly aren't. That's something that's never going to fail to elate me.

So thank you, fellow Warlocks, daring Hunters, stalwart Titans, for following me along this journey of mine. There are still stones in the road yet, and beyond that is trail we lay ourselves.

I hope to have you all there.

Eyes up, Guardians.

-Talyn

[sword--heart--online]

Oh my fuck I'm so done. One month, one month ago I was so grateful and optimistic about this new job, but every day it's been one shitshow after another and no one seems to care that I can't get any work done. I wouldn't care either except that I'm new, and the noob is always the scapegoat, so whose fault is it going to be that customers don't get their prints? Not the machines, not the techs, mine. Still a good thing I haven't replaced my 25 year old car that's falling apart because I probably won't get to this year (or even next year) either!!

Meanwhile, my mother has serious problems of her own but doesn't want to take any steps to fix them, she just wants someone to tell her "that's rough buddy." She quit therapy and wonders why she's still having mental breakdowns. idk, maybe because you won't help yourself like the therapist (and I) suggested? Then she bitches at me when I offer my input. "Could you not argue with me?" Fine then, next time I'll just nod and not pay so much attention if you don't want my help. I want to tear my hair out.

Meanwhile again, the cat I've fought so hard to keep and won -- thanks to this new job sealing the deal -- keeps staying out all night, worrying me to death. I suppose one day he just won't come back, and that's more money I've wasted on cats I can't keep. Story of my goddamn life.

I hate my life, I thought things were looking up but it's just a new version of the same old shit. The only difference is now I'm paid to hate it, and I get out of my shitty house all day, so whatever.

I'm afraid to get on the scale because just as soon as I reached 20 lbs lost last month, I started this job, and it's been so stressful I've hit the sweets hard. I don't want to undo 15 months of hard work. Even though it doesn't matter that much since I give up trying to land a mate. Every fucking day I'm glad I don't have to deal with a useless, lying, cheating partner, not when I've got two severely mentally ill family members and a son (cat) who does whatever the fuck he wants.

And I've got no friends to tell this garbage to, so onto the secret tumblr it goes lmao. I give up on twitter because my one follower doesn't like my posts anymore. I give up on instagram bc my one friend there said she was deactivating and wouldn't DM me there anymore, but she's still quite active with posting her bonkers religious ramblings via photographs. Plus I think she's a Covid denier and anti-vaxxer so uh... yeah, no big loss. And I give up on my "public" tumblr, which has like 3 followers who don't care about me, just the handful of entertaining fandom posts I've made. For fuck's sake, what happened to people wanting to be friends? Does everyone on social media expect everyone else to be content creation machines? Now I know how comedians feel.

This day started out shitty ever since I had a dream I was having sex with my last crush (from 2018, jfc). I woke up thinking nope, my newly-declared ace ass does not want this, and went back to sleep to dream of something a little more pure from my childhood. But I'm still mad about it. I think my sexuality facet is feeling left out since I never include her in picrews (to be fair, she's never around to tell me what she wants out of them), so this is her revenge. Or she's picking fights with her now-ace sister because she gets attention via drama. Presidential alert: the girls are fighting.

God okay. I'm going to read my ""hateful"" gossip forum now (which I was taking a break from bc it got boring, but hopefully something funny happened the past few days) and wait for the sleepy time drugs to kick in. Or maybe I need another dose. Going to work numbed from perfectly legal otc drugs sounds like a plan.

[frogsandfries]

Last thoughts for the day (I think)

So, I'm pretty used to getting up early and starting my day with an energy drink. I feel like most of my working days since November 2018 have started like this (to be precise, nine non-consecutive months, out of twenty, so I would literally be incorrect).

I'm not a morning person. At. All.

But I had sour stomach Monday and again today. I don't remember what I drank Monday, but yesterday was Rockstar whipped strawberry and today was Bang cola (I don't know why I keep trying Bang; each flavor is sickly sweet--the root beer was repulsive, unicorn tastes like clown puke, and even the cola had a co-taste of concentrated sugar). What really pushed me over the edge was the spaghetti.

I keep trying Italian sausage.

I like it less every time I eat it--I loathe sausage on pizza and it turns out, I don't like it on spaghetti. I also keep trying spaghetti, even thought 90% of the time, it gives me acid reflux. Eight percent of the time it runs through me because dairy.

I think it's easy to connect the sour stomach to my acid reflux. I didn't have acid reflux today, like I did after having the exact same pasta yesterday. But I get upset stomach in clusters of days and it's getting annoying.

In other tmi news, since we're talking bodies, I haven't had my period in.....oops, like seven weeks. We've had so much going on, I lost track of time.....

We had sex on a "good" day. But we've also been under a lot of stress with my check getting eaten by USPS and getting moved and new job. It's been like five weeks so 🤷🏼‍♀️ eventually the curiosity will get the better of me. I've been like, insatiably tired, napping frequently; I've been ravenous and tearful. I've been crying over everything--I cried over Molly Burke talking about losing Gypsy.

I didn't tell my partner because he's already made up his mind, and I don't know how long before he reads this, but I had some spotting around the fifth week after my last period. He's already made up his mind. He's going to be incredibly disappointed--again--when it turns out I'm just stressed or idk.

I just don't see why it would be so relatively easy, and it really would be a bummer to just waste a whole box of tests. I've struggled with my reproductive system for the better part of seven or eight years now. We've only been together for almost five months, and honestly, more days than not, I wonder if this relationship is actually any good for me.

He says so much nasty stuff about people of different skin colors, even though I'm, I guess objectively, the more racist one since I call Native Americans Native Americans and get angry that black teens are referred to in media as black men. I constantly walk on eggshells about what he's going to take as an order or command and I have to constantly give orders to get anything done that, yes, I could just do myself, but if I just do it myself, I'll never get any help with. The dishes, picking up the bedroom, making the bed to any degree, cooking, turning off the bathroom light, getting the laundry done, getting garbage in the garbage and recycling in the recycling, keeping things clean and organized.

I feel like I'm just in it all by myself. Like, this IS my place--not only because my hours, my paychecks, will be paying rent and utilities, but also, I'm the only one who cares and takes pride in finally having my own place. Of course I'm frustrated. I know in theory the job market is tight, but I'm pretty sure if he stopped making excuses and re-applied where I'm working and just stopped having an attitude and being unnecessarily, over-the-top defiant, we could both be setting aside massive savings. Rent would be a joke to our budget.

I'm just not ready right now to know if I'm pregnant. I'd almost rather wait till my primary care visit at the end of the month. That's only like ten weeks, if I am. It just seems so incredibly unlikely. Too unlikely. More unlikely than possible, with my garbage reproductive system. But then again, my dad's parasite and my sister both had seemingly little trouble reproducing. I've already decided that after my first, I'm not taking a single chance. I'm getting some kind of long-acting birth control. In fact, the minute I find out I'm pregnant, whether that's sooner or later, that's the first thing I want to discuss with my doctor. Well, maybe the first thing after the health of my spawnling.

I just want time to settle into my job and get caught up on bills before I need to dive into the many obligations of having a new child......... or maternity wear 😨....... Weren't we promised genderqueer maternity wear like five years ago?

[msbreezie95]

“Love yourself first because that’s who’ll be spending the rest of your life with.”

What is self love?

There are many ways to define self love and express it. It could be by simply loving yourself enough that you maintain your body, physically, mentally and spiritually above all else. If you want to get a more defined meaning it simply means to take care of your well being and happiness.

When was the last time you were truly happy with being you?

The truth is for me it was honestly just recently that I began to truly understand that self love didn’t only mean having ‘me’ times, treating myself to a mani/pedi, loving how good I looked in a pic because of the right filter/lighting but that it also meant loving & fully embracing the things I wish I could change.

We all face our own demons/mountains in silence. And in the age we are currently growing up in, social media plays a huge role in why it’s more important to have a self love above or else.

For as long as I can remember i’ve always struggled with my identity and really being proud of my background. I’ve never really said this out loud or truly spoken about it to anyone, but as I sit here and write this I’m also learning something new about myself. What sparked this idea of writing this post today and sharing it with you all was another blogger’s post on instagram #SeraSituations and how she to, I quote “coming to terms with the fact that I haven’t always been proud to be a Pacific Islander.”  I realised after reading this post, that I too grew up and struggled with being identified as Fijian for a very long time. 

Growing up in an area emerged in rich Asian culture (Canterbury/Campsie) from  preschool to primary school, my friends were either from a Vietnamese or Chinese background. I knew I was always envious of their straight hair, that I began to hate my wavy thick silky mane.  So for many years, I struggled with embracing and loving my hair. I remember (and my mother never misses to reminds me this) when I was 6 years old, I was cheeky as they come and cried to my Uncle that has always spoiled me since day one, to take me to the hair salon to dye my hair red. And my wish was his command. Got it done and my mother was yet again forever right 🙄🤣.  My silky wavy thick hair was ruined forever. At the time i didn’t care about the texture because I just wanted it to be red.

Fast forward to Year 5/6, I was then introduced to the ironing technique. Our family friend used to pick us up after school and we’d hang out at their house till my mother finished work. One day they decided to experiment on my hair in straightening it with the clothing iron. Lets just say for the next 4 years I slowly killed my hair even more by straightening it every single day. Not even exaggerating. On top of that i’d relax my hair so every 3 months or whenever I began to see a wave or curl peep through my baby hairs. What more could a 11 year old girl need then more tools to further tear down the art of self love and to every aspect of being Fijian?

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A big part of our identity is our hair. It is part of what makes us, us. Anyways, reached high school and that’s when my circle changed and I began to really associate with other Pacific Islanders. My best friends at the time all had beautiful straight hair and then there was me with this thick, wavy, springy/frizzy hair texture. I also remember that I wasn’t 100% happy with being called Fijian in school. I don’t blame anyone but myself, for this type of mentality. One thing I wish I could have that may perhaps could’ve prevented this sort of sense of confusion or alienation is having other Fijian friends in school, rather then only seeing them on the weekends. Five days a week I was with Samoans and Tongans and of course other ethnicity but majority of my time was with my fellow P.I brothers and sisters. It was like as soon as I stepped into the gates of my high school, I left my culture and background outside, and then adopted my friends backgrounds. I remember my best friend use to ask me to teach them a traditional Fijian meke and id guise the question and pretend that I didn’t hear her. And so the entire time I was in high school I or we only ever did a Siva or hula. It was only after graduating when my sister asked me for some help in choreographing a meke to teach her friends.. I only hoped that I could’ve gone back and taken the opportunity to also teach my friends.

Like I said in the beginning, I’m only coming to realisation of my actions and behaviour as a teenager as I am writing this and thinking back at how my perspectives & values have majorly changed for the better. 

I started off this blog post with a brief history in my struggle to find my identity because I strongly believe that in order to have self love you need to know truly who you are, why you’re here and have some sort of understanding of your purpose. I feel that if you don’t know who you are then how can you truly love yourself?

For the last year and a half I’ve been slowly going on the hair journey of going natural. Which basically means, not using any chemicals or heat to the hair. And as of February 2018 my hair length was longer then usual. Yes your girl was super excited because the last time I seen my natural hair reach past my shoulders was in 2008 (the picture above). (Shit 10 years ago.. lmao i literally just realised that). For the last couple of weeks or months I’ve finally started to embrace my natural hair more and it is because of the constant compliments i’ve been receiving about it. 

Anyways, my wisdom or what I’ve learnt that majorly has helped shift my mentality in loving and embracing everything God has blessed me with is this simple quote:

"You can't love others if you don't love yourself first; you can't give what you haven't got." - Unknown

I don’t think it needs any further explanation, but if you would like to discuss more on this topic then feel free to send me an email or DM. I’d love to hear your feedback or your journey/story on self love. 

Till my next post Au Revoir,

Road to Self Love "Love yourself first because that's who'll be spending the rest of your life with." What is self love?