#and I just pictured him having a meeting with Trump and am terrified

[whalehouse1]

“I can’t believe people talk horribly about them. God they treat them awfully just because of how they look.”

“They’re mass murdering terrorists Rebecca.”

[rocorambles]

Meeting in the Middle

Pairing: Sakusa x reader

Genre/Warnings: NSFW, Yandere, Misogyny, Controlling Behavior, Degradation, Non-Con/Rape, Spanking

Summary: Sakusa shows you that he’s more than capable of meeting you in the middle and listening to you for a change. But be careful of what you ask for.

A/N: This is for the Poly Wives Angst Collab~ RIP us and our never ending collabs we create for ourselves.

If someone had told you five years ago that you’d be dating one of Japan’s most eligible bachelors, a professional athlete fawned over by media and fans nation-wide, the epitome of the strong and silent type, you would have laughed in their faces. What is this? Some silly fairytale? The childish checklist of “things I want in a boyfriend” you’d written in middle school?

But life has a funny way of working and you find yourself in an obnoxiously lavish and rowdy nightclub, made only more crazy by the surprising appearance of some VIPs.

It seems like volleyball has somehow become Japan’s national sport overnight and although you aren’t necessarily the biggest follower of anything remotely athletic, even you know exactly who the rambunctious trio catching everyone’s eyes are.

You can’t deny there’s more than just a bit of appeal in the way their button up shirts cling to toned muscles, but you’ve never been one for crowds and you stray to the emptier corners of the establishment to avoid being swept by the crowd of excited fans. But when Atsumu cheesily winks and flirts as he signs scandalously bared skin of female fans, you mockingly gag, only to whirl in embarrassment when you hear an amused snort from behind you.

“Not a fan of Miya Atsumu?”

Staring wide-eyed and slack jawed when someone asks you a question is very rude and you want to answer. But you don’t trust yourself with basic human speech when Sakusa Kiyoomi is staring at you expectantly. So you shake your head side to side instead, heat rising to your face at the small upward curve of his lips.

“Neither am I.”

Atsumu never lets the two of you live down how he’s the one who technically brought you together, even if it was at the cost of his pride. (You chuckle when you remember his loud squawking when Sakusa recounts the dialogue exchanged at your first meeting.) But even months later, even after Sakusa has officially introduced you to the rest of the MSBY team, even after they’ve accepted you as part of their cozy and rowdy family, you can’t stop feeling impostor syndrome.

Dating Sakusa still feels unreal and you can’t help but feel like you’re living someone else’s life, stuck in a rose-tinted dream, playing dress-up and make believe as you parade around in clothing far more luxurious than you’re used to, whisked around on your lover’s strong arm as you follow him around the world from match to match. And as lovely as it is, you long to truly make this relationship your own, to feel the rawness and grittiness of love and life, to experience the charm and comfort of being true to yourself and knowing Sakusa loves you just as you are.

But your desire to be with him, to call him your own trumps your own wishes and you find yourself quickly backing down everytime you suggest something that he’s quick to turn down, desperate to appease and please him even at the price of your own desires.

He’s never outrightly rude about his preferences, never raises his voice. But somehow that makes the judgement and disdain in his dark eyes that much more apparent. You remember a rough day of work you had, the relief you had felt about being able to swiftly swap your constrictive work apparel for a pair of worn-in shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Your outfit would certainly not win any fashion awards, but you blissfully sigh at how comfortable you are as you call a local pizza shop, ordering delivery self-indulgently.

You could feel yourself becoming one with the couch you’re lounging on, the television playing in the background. But even in the hazy in-between of sleep and alertness, your eyes snap open when the door opens and you lazily smile as your boyfriend enters your shared apartment, returning from another grueling practice.

“You look like you’ve had better days.”

Your smile slips, anxiety flooding through you as you self-consciously curl in on yourself while his lips purse, eyes scrutinizing your sloppy appearance.

“Umm, yeah...tough day at work-”

“Maybe you should freshen up with me. You might feel better in a...real outfit.”

You know better than to think that it’s really a suggestion, cursing yourself, humiliation coursing through you when you think of how foolish you were to get so comfortable so quickly. You’ve seen the caliber of the women who lust over your boyfriend unabashedly despite his long-time relationship with you. You need to try harder. You need to be better.

Self-deprecation rips you to shreds as you painstakingly groom yourself, donning a dress you know Sakusa loves, applying a full face of makeup and a spritz of his favorite scent. And despite how exhausted you are, how much you’d rather be slumped on the couch, gorging on a slice of pizza, it’s all worth it when you see the appreciative look in his gaze as his eyes rake over your figure.

But worry gnaws at you once more as the doorbell rings and his eyebrow raises questioningly at the interruption. It’s a painful walk of shame as you plaster on a fake smile, tipping the delivery boy, the usually tantalizing smell of cheese and grease only making you nauseous as you bring the box to the dining table.

“What is that?”

“Dinner…”

Your voice trails off and you feel so small, so pathetic as Sakusa’s face borders disgust as he observes the offensive item.

“You didn’t cook?”

The disappointment in his voice has you spewing excuses and apologies, your heart shattering when he merely waves off your ramble, telling you he’d order a salad from elsewhere and to enjoy your meal.

You never order pizza again and a steaming hot plate of freshly cooked food is always waiting for Sakusa when he returns home while you patiently wait for him with a painted face and impeccable outfits.

Your friends and family tell you how grateful you should be, how envious they are as they oggle your latest high-end designer pieces, cooing over how picture perfect the two of you always are, staring wide-eyed at your gorgeous home, not a speck of dust or object out of place. Who would have thought that you would be the epitome of the ideal housewife in such a short time?

Yes, you wonder. Who would have thought? Certainly not you.

If only they knew how deep down the deception goes, how lost you are in this pretend world you’re stuck in. And your heart twists and turns when your friends share about the little and big spats that happen behind closed doors, giggling and sighing in an understanding you’re not part of when they playfully complain about how much work love is.

But it’s always worth it in the end because the good always outweighs the bad if you’ve found the right person (not to mention the makeup sex is a bonus). Or so they say, but you wouldn’t know what any of that feels like. Sakusa doesn’t leave room for any arguments, any disagreements, any hint of anything less than a perfect relationship.

Even in the privacy of your bedroom, you feel like you’re in a cheesy porno, dressed in the prettiest white slip dress decorated with dainty lace and a string of pearls around your neck. You feel like a doll as you’re positioned on the bed, eyes demurely looking down, letting Sakusa do as he pleases while he guides you, calloused hands roaming over your skin. You’re sure he means for it to be pleasurable and intimate, and you can’t deny that he knows your most sensitive areas, shuddering when he grazes over your hardening nipples. But there’s a coldness to his movements, a calculating aspect in the way he examines you, dark eyes scrutinizing every inch of you as if they’re looking for a blemish, a reason to lecture you on not taking care of yourself.

Yet as predictable and standoffish as he is, he does know how to pleasure you and you writhe underneath him, moaning, lower lips dripping in your own arousal. But you whimper when he growls at you to stop moaning so loudly, to stop acting like a slut.

“I’m dating a lady, not a whore.”

The words cut you, pain and emptiness mixing with the rising pleasure, muddling into a confusing and overwhelming mess insides of you. You don’t trust yourself to speak, hot tears pricking at your eyes, unsure whether a moan or harsh words would slip past your lips. But you know that neither will work in your favor, so like always, you hold your tongue, doing whatever you can to keep your lover happy. You close your eyes, letting yourself get lost in the tightening knot inside of you, submitting to the waves of pleasure that crash over you as you cum, fingers tangling in the rumpled sheets, back arching in ecstasy.

Only when Sakusa is asleep, his back turned to you, the two of you cleaned and freshened up, do you let your tears stream down your face, feeling more alone than ever in your shared bed.

You hold out longer than you should, much longer than you should, in the hopes that things will improve, that Sakusa will loosen up, reveal his true self to you, let you reveal your true self to him. It’s just early dating jitters, early relationship issues. Things will get better.

Except it’s months later and things aren’t better. If anything, they’re worse and you can feel the weight of his expectations and the stress of perpetually living by a prewritten script crushing you.

It’s time to put an end to this charade.

It’s just another uneventful night and you idly stare up at the ceiling as you wait for Sakusa to join you in bed. Your heart is racing, throat feeling dry and choked up as he slips under the covers. You’re terrified, of Sakusa’s reaction, of ending everything, of starting from scratch. But you know it’s the right decision and when he finally settles in beside you, you begin to speak.

There’s only the sound of your trembling voice as you quietly tell him how you’ve felt all along, how everything has felt so prim, proper, fake, how everyday just feels like another session of rehearsing your lines, making sure you meet whatever standard he’s set for you. You want passion, real love, fights, laughter. You just want to be yourself. You just want to be with someone who loves you exactly the way you are.

“Kiyoomi, maybe we should break up. I don’t think we’re right for each other. I don’t think I’m what you want. I don’t think I’ll ever be what you want.”

“You’re right. Despite how much time, work, money, and patience I’ve spent to better you, you haven’t changed at all.”

You’re left reeling from the matter of fact harshness of his words, the slight exasperation in his tone, as if this is all your fault, as if you’re just a bothersome misbehaving pet.

“Prim and proper? Passion? Fights? So you’re tired of manners? Tired of being a respectable woman? You just want to fight and fuck like animals?”

You open your mouth to protest, anger licking at the open wounds his verbal assault leaves behind. But before you can retort, the air is ripped out of your lungs in a stunned yelp as your body is swiftly flipped over, your face shoved into the mattress until it’s a struggle to breathe, fabric and cushion all you can taste.

Your arms flail as you struggle to breathe, nails clawing at the sheets, arms trying to push yourself up against. But it’s no use against Sakusa’s strength and just as specks of black begin to enter your vision, fingers tangle with your roots and you gasp as your head is harshly jerked up, neck bending painfully back, jaw forced open from the strange position.

You whimper, tears beginning to blur your sight as a calloused hand turns your face until you’re staring at a condescending impassive countenance.

“If you want to be treated like a slut that badly, I’ll be a good boyfriend and give you exactly what you want. Ass up. Now.”

There’s no room for disobedience and spurred on by fear and pain, you listen, awkwardly shuffling into position, shame heating your face at how exposed you feel. But it’s only the start and you scream as a heavy strike lands on your bare ass, more and more blows raining down upon you, until you’re sobbing for mercy, agonized cries forced from your mouth, thighs trembling at having to support yourself through the torture.

Your upper body slumps in relief when the hits finally stop, but you flinch when fingers methodically prod at your entrance. You instinctively try to lurch forward, away from the touch, but it’s no use and you clench your eyes in humiliation at the sloppy wet sounds betraying your arousal.

“This is the wettest I’ve ever seen you. You really do like being used and treated like a bitch.”

You wish you could deny it. You wish you had the spirit to talk back, maybe even spit on that handsome face. But all you can think of is how full you feel as Sakusa’s cock slams balls deep inside your dripping hole, how deep he is inside of you from this angle, how overwhelmingly pleasurable the mix of pain and lust is as he uses you like you’re nothing more than a warm breathing sex doll.

All you can do is lewdly moan and take it, tears slipping down your face, drool seeping into the ruined sheets, eyes rolled back in your head. The coil in your stomach tightens and tightens no matter how hard you try and hold it at bay, desperately trying not to cum, not to inadvertently admit your body’s betrayal as it succumbs to every thrust. But it’s too much, the unfamiliarity of this brutal pace, the overpowering sensation of his tip reaching new depths inside of you, and you shatter to pieces, pussy convulsing, body twitching, pleasure like you’ve never felt before surging through you.

All through it Sakusa continues his relentless rhythm, a sneer marring his flawless face as he watches you suffer through your orgasm, writhing underneath him. It’s disgusting how much you love this, pathetic, pitiful, and yet he’s harder than he’s ever been, more turned on than he ever thought possible. And all it takes is a few more thrusts before he’s spilling inside of you, a strong hand holding you still and tight to him as his groin presses against your ass, not an inch of space between the two of you as he paints your insides white.

Maybe you had a point all along. You’re absolutely filthy and wrecked and he grimaces at the tear, sweat, and sex stained mess he touches as he shoves your exhausted body away from him. Yet there’s a certain appeal to your disheveled appearance, how ruined you are because of him.

How beautifully you break.

Well if you have no desire to improve yourself, he can learn to meet you in the middle, learn to let you be the low-life whore you have no desire to move up from. After all, that’s what you said love is, right?

Accepting each other’s differences.

[damienhaasbaybee]

Figured it out 😂 for the let's get personal, can I request that you do them all?

I DID IT BAYBEEEEEEE.

* 1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

I’ll Be There For You and Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi, In My Head by Ariana Grande, I Believe by Jonas Brothers, Air Force Ones by Nelly, and Chasing Pavements by Adele

* 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Harry Styles or Damien Haas so they can fall in love with me.

* 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“me that it was a sometimes temporary paralysis that causes damage”

* 4: What do you think about most? the fact that I have nothing to really work towards

* 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“I’m tireddd”

* 6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

without most of the time

* 7: What’s your strangest talent?

number and address recall 🙄 its embarrassing sometimes lol

* 8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls go to college to get more knowledge boys go to jupiter to get more stupider

* 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

fuck no lol

* 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

um... today.. in the car

* 11: Do you have any strange phobias?

raw chicken.

* 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

a piece of ice so i could pierce my nose.

* 13: What’s your religion?

christian

* 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

um... if its for pleasure... swimming.

* 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind lol

* 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

of all time... linkin park or one direction

* 17: What was the last lie you told?

that I’m fine lol

* 18: Do you believe in karma?

v much so

* 19: What does your URL mean?

um... i am damien haas’ baybee and he is also my baybee

* 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness, helping people until I die strength, i am honest

* 21: Who is your celebrity crush ?

james marsden, david dobrik, zac efron, miles teller, damien haas...

* 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no

* 23: How do you vent your anger?

i sing real fucking loud

* 24: Do you have a collection of anything?

one direction memorabilia lol

* 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

either works with me tbh

* 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes.

* 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

sound I hate: hearing others talk on the phone, sound I love: rubbing clean hands on a clean table

* 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I’m just crazy and none of this is real

* 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes. anything is possible.

* 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

my comforter both times lol

* 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

a clean house lol

* 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

uhhhh Louisville

* 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

west coast because i have never been

* 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Harry Styles

* 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to leave the earth better than I found it

* 36: Define Art.

art is everything and nothing that a person wants it to be

* 37: Do you believe in luck?

I do. circumstances create luck.

* 38: What’s the weather like right now?

pretty clear

* 39: What time is it?

10:08pm

* 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes! I won’t say what it was but it hit ME.

* 41: What was the last book you read?

I tried reading Girl Wash Your Face but couldn’t get into it.

* 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

* 43: Do you have any nicknames?

yes I do... you can call me queen tho.

* 44: What was the last film you saw?

Legally Blonde

* 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

several ankles sprained severely on each side.

* 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no

* 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

yes. damien haas.

* 48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, demisexual, pansexual????

* 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

yes. I was pregnant.

* 50: Do you believe in magic?

no.

* 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yes, unfortunately.

* 52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer

* 53: Do you save money or spend it?

both!

* 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a carwash for my dads truck

* 55: Love or lust?

both

* 56: In a relationship?

somewhat

* 57: How many relationships have you had?

two

* 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no

* 59: Where were you yesterday?

home

* 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yes, my water bottle

* 61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no, never

* 62: What’s your favourite animal?

polar bear

* 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

my hospitality (including dis mouf)

* 64: Where is your best friend?

idk, at home?

* 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

oooooo bisquett, thebasketcase101, persistence-ofmemories, creativegoof, and zanesgirlfriend

* 66: What is your heritage?

I am part native american and european as far as i know. i want to do a 23andme so I can find out. My skin tans realllllly dark even with tons fo sunscreen on so that makes me think I have more Native American than I thought.

* 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

I was definitely watching New Girl

* 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

idk... Jones?

* 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

biiiiitch of course I have.

* 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes. I may suck but I am loyal as hell and I’ll do anything for my friends.

* 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog, fuck that job.

* 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes b) spend it with family and write a book c) fuck yes. i am terrified of death all the time.

* 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust. love is nothing without being able to trust.

* 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

It’s A Great Day to Be Alive by Travis Tritt

* 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

1389.. not in that order.

* 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

honesty and communication.

* 77: How can I win your heart?

buy me food and show me that I can trust you with my heart. I sturggle to trust people. I also NEED to be called pet names.

* 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes.

* 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Quitting my toxic ass job.

* 80: What size shoes do you wear?

9.5

* 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

She did her best, even when odds were against her.

* 82: What is your favourite word?

I dont have a favorite but my least favorite is “creamy”.

* 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Love.

* 84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“ooooo bitch”

* 85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Always You, Louis Tomlinson

* 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

darkkk red and black

* 87: What is your current desktop picture?

bitch I aint been on there in so long, I have no clue.

* 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald Trump

* 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

depends on who is asking, if its my family... asking my sexuality.

* 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Fucking scream and run.

* 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Mind reading.

* 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Seeing my dads face when I walked across the stage at graduation or him telling me how I looked in my junior prom dress.

* 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching my dad die.

* 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Harry Styles.

* 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The beach, pronto.

* 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not anymore

* 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

No

* 98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes. I loved it.

* 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Love others like you would like to be loved and see where that gets you.

[therezastarman]

I am white, I am straight passing, I am not an immigrant, and I have not lost a loved one to covid-19, but I have eyes, I have ears, and I have a heart. I am not old enough to vote in this election, but I don’t want to just sit idly back and cross my fingers, I want to do something, so here I am.

America can do better, can become united, nope, scratch that, America needs to do better, needs to become united. It should be a truth, not a goal, it is in the name, the United States of America, yet we are still divided. Divided by POC and white people, by members of the LGBTQ+ community, and straight, cis people, by immigrants and natural-born citizens. It’s silly, it’s childish, and it needs to stop. I can understand fear of the unknown, I can understand the uncertainty that comes with meeting a person who looks, acts, speaks, or believes differently than you, I can even understand the hesitation to accept a person who different than you are, but I will never understand the amount of immaturity and hate that it takes to be in such a position of power as “the occupant”, as my family has come to call him, as Trump is in and do practically nothing to stop the spread of a deadly disease that has killed thousands of human beings, done nothing to protest or stop the murder of human beings by people in positions of power, for what? Something as stupid as the color of their skin. And yes, I say stupid. What does the color of a person’s skin have to do with what good they can do in this world? Kindergartners use all different colors when drawing pictures, yet “mature” adults refuse to use more than one when coloring the picture that is America.  

I truly believe that I, a teenager, who is still in high school, who can act, and write, and analyze Shakespeare, and that’s about it, who has no background in law or politics could run this country better than the current occupant, and that terrifies me. So do what you will with this, and have a wonderful day. 

[tdotsspot]

2020.....

Wow, it’s been almost TWO years since I've posted anything on here. I’ve thought about it from time to time, but never sat to actually say anything. I just looked at my last two posts....so funny. This is why I'll probably always keep this....just to look back, see where I was, who I was.

But back to 2020 bc HONESTLY this year is the one to go. down. in the mother. fucking. books. 

2019 was literally the best year of my life. It was the year I did the most traveling, the year I made the most money...it was like, perfect until the end. I went to Puerto Rico and St Thomas....Atlanta, Boston of course, MARTHA’S VINEYARD FINALLY and even though I've been there 100 times, this was the absolute best. Of course having Dameo was a plus, getting to show him my childhood summers, but Unc let me use the Mercedes which I legit fell in love with, we met Danny Glover which was crazy, I got the brass ring on my first try lol, and we had a lot of good food. LA, was amazing, I miss it so much....NY.....I feel like I’m missing a city, oh yes, dc! That was a fun drunk night.

Late November for Britt’s bday we all went out and that was the first time I was ever real life drunk around his fam, but it was so much fun. The next week....nana passed. It was sad, weird....I hadn’t lost someone in a really long time, and I was there to see some of her last lucid moments. We definitely got closer over the last two years or so since I visited her a good amount, and it made me more sad than I thought. I’m glad I got to have those moments with her, it was cool to get a grandmother again. Made me miss nanny a lot though...

A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant! It was planned, we were excited although tbh I was kind of freaking out. A baby??? Like a whole ass human? No more weed, liquor, or runny eggs??? HOW SWAY! I don’t think I was ready yet, and a few weeks after that, RIGHT before Christmas, RIGHT before we were going to tell the family, I had a miscarriage. Goodness, I really wasn’t ready for that, at all. Obviously it’s common, but I never thought I’d have one....I was healthy, in a healthy relationship....happy....how the hell did this happen? Unfortunately we already told our moms at that time, partially to help cheer ang, and I knew my mom would be hype as well. I knew it was early, but I told some close friends as well. The pain I felt from that, I just didn't really expect. It was, really sad....I delayed our trip to Boston twice because I really just couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed and sit on a train for 6 hours. I almost canceled altogether but KNOWING NOW THAT THE FUCKING WORLD WAS GOING TO SHUT DOWN, I'm really glad we still went. It was reassuring to get my hugs from my mom, cry it out with her, and see the fam. Except Kendall was such a douche that visit *rolls eyes*. I did get to go see the friends pop up which LEGIT made my whole holiday. As such a huge fan, it was AMAZING, simply, amazing, and I got to enjoy it with my two older cousins and of course, the Dame. 

So that brings us to the new year of 2020. 2020 the year I think EVERYONE thought was going to be amazing, and maybe it will be. Maybe everything that’s going on albeit sad, overwhelming, insane....is in fact the year we all really needed. The Amazon was on fire, forever and as someone who truly cares about global warming that was super stressful. We almost had WWIII thanks to good old Trump, but boy oh boy....that was just the tip of the iceberg. A few weeks later AGAIN, I call my dr telling them I still haven’t gotten my period, my boobs hurt, and wtf is going on? She tells me to take another pregnancy test, which I thought was a joke because I JUST had a miscarriage weeks before, and yes we had sex, but we were ‘careful’. COME TO FIND OUT, my ass is pregnant again. I was, very confused...a little upset because I was planning on waiting a bit before trying for real again. I mean we just dealt with so much loss between nana and the miscarriage, I hadn’t even fully processed what my body just went through. I remember angrily buying the test because, those shits aren’t cheap.....peeing with the door open with Dame downstairs, (not at ALL romantic like the first time I told him) and looking down like....wait. “WHAT THE FUCK” about 3 times was said, I explained to dame this indeed does say I’m pregnant, but how?? 

30 minutes later, the world finds out Kobe Bryant died. There were a lot of emotions that day for sure. Even though I wasn’t a die hard Kobe fan or anything, for some reason this one really made me sad. Maybe because I was currently listening to a book his personal coach wrote; relentless....which is REALLY fucking good.

A week later, I'm confirmed via bloodwork that I am indeed pregnant and it’s time for take two! I didn't get excited until I passed my first trimester, just in case...but now at almost 26 weeks, I’m really excited to meet her. My babygirl! It’s still wild to know I’m about to be a mom, but I’m really pumped for both of us and I know we’ll make great parents. 

Ah yes, the mid march, covid 19 hits America. I was supposed to go on a three city tour to the west coast which I was very much looking forward to, before the world stopped. In fact, it was that very weekend, right after we had our ultrasound, the first and only visit Dame was allowed to come in, that everything stopped. A week or so later, a mid level of depression kicked in for me, which lasted about a month. I couldn’t believe that after WEEKS of puking and being dead ass tired, I was finally ready to work again, but I was Essentially unemployed. The west coast gig was a cute check, I had multiple events coming up that got canceled....weddings that got postponed, and all I could think about was I’m about to have a kid with no money. I went almost two entire months without making ANY money....luckily unemployment kicked in and I got a couple of grants I applied for because I really don’t know what I would’ve done. My mom of course was in my corner, and Dame would start working from home, but still fully employed so at least we wouldn’t be homeless. I knew there were hundreds of thousands of people in my boat, if not worse but I couldn’t help but be consumed with not making any money, and my 2020 year essentially being wiped out. 

Again, this was supposed to be MY year. Be a parent, make a lot of money, and I felt like I just fell flat on my face, in mud, and was suffocating. 

America’s approach to covid was trash, more and more people died...I was worried about my mom and aunts as they're older and more susceptible. This is the longest I've gone without seeing my mom, but thanks to technology! We literally FaceTime every day. 

I almost forgot! Red literally almost died. He got attacked by a pit that lives up the street and it was one of the scariest things I ever dealt with. We just came back from a cute little drive, it was absolutely beautiful out, and I just remember parking, letting him out for a walk, looking at a dog running but I couldn’t tell if it was on a leash or not. I then realized nope, this bitch is not on a leash, crossing the street, and watching it whip its head at me and red and sprinting across the street to attack him. I was absolutely terrified. My baby red, is literally getting mangled by a fucking pit by the neck. I’m also pregnant and scared the pit is going to attack me, that my stress is going to cause another miscarriage, and that I’m probably going to watch red die in front of my eyes. I completely blacked out on the woman who was sloppily running to get her dog off of him. Had it been a minute more, max, he would’ve been dead. I still picture it sometimes and it legit makes me so sad, but luckily he pulled through after about a week of healing, and a huge bloody abscess that needed to be drained. 

THEN about a month ago now, George Floyd was killed on tape by a cop and it changed the world. Between Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Abery dying and being cooped up for months in the house, major cities went up in flames, literally. It was a revolution that Is still happening which has caused corporate America to shove ‘black lives matter’ down our throats like black people just popped up, shown privileged ass white people who refuse to try and understand, racist fucks that just hate us so much....and the list goes on.

That’s been our year so far! and it about to get shut down again because because aren't taking covid seriously. 

Pregnancy has been really interesting though....not at all like what they show on tv and the movies. I’ve been emotional as hell crying over my body  changing....constipated af to the point where I now celebrate any time I shit, hella uncomfortable....but I know when we see her face it will indeed all be worth it. Doing this back to back though like Dame envisions....I don’t know man lol. We shall see. She's due in about 3.5 months. Check in before then....

Tdot, out. 

[kellykadesperate]

Pick up the pieces

The bitterness between them is there, it howls in this way that can only make Robert want to disappear. He wants to hide away from the way he’s hollowed Aaron by it all, from the way there is this darkness that he placed there.

For Seb, for Rebecca, for himself in so many ways and that is what hurts the most. 

That and Aaron hardly meeting his eye.

He’s nowhere to be found, had just walked slowly back into the flat to grab his coat and then left again like he had turned deaf, like suddenly Robert begging him to listen didn't have any effect on him.

The bed’s cold without him, that much is clear and the moonlight shines on Aaron’s side of the bed like it’s just trying to mock Robert. Like it’s trying to punish him or something, show him that there’s someone else he’s lost.

Something raises in his chest at the thought of that, the thought of having lost Seb in some way. He hasn't, he knows deep down that he hasn't really lost his son and just thinking about little Gracie is enough to settle that. But hes lost what they had, hes lost the way things were for those precious fleeting months. 

And he cant take it back now.

The sound of feet making him sit up and he’s waiting for Aaron to come in, grab the spare blanket and sleep on the sofa or something. Which is exactly what they need, to be separated in their grief about everything. 

But the sound passes the room and Robert knows suddenly where Aaron is. So he follows him, sees him standing about Seb’s cot, holding Jeff the Giraffe in one hand and the baby monitor in the other like he cant put them down. 

He’s sniffling, back towards Robert and the blinds opened wide enough so that Robert can see how long and drawn out his husband’s shadow is, it makes him sadder for some reason.

And then he gulps, breathes out. “Aaron?”

He can hear Aaron take in a breath before he turns slowly and then stops, just looks at Robert over his shoulder and then turns back again.

“Shout at me, blame me, do -- do what you want okay? But just know that I tried to do what was best, I tried to --”

“He doesn't get off to sleep without him.” Aaron says slowly, almost whispering as he turns around and waves the giraffe in front of Robert’s face. He has a ghost of a smile on his face and then it fades evenly. “He smells like our bed, like us, ‘cause you were sleepin’ on it the other night without knowing, your back still hurting from that?” Robert doesn't say anything, just feels his heart beating out of his chest. “So he knows to get off to sleep ‘cause it smells like us, like -- like the people who see him every single day, who love him --”

“So does Rebecca.” Robert says, because she does love, he wouldn't have let Seb leave with her if he didn't know that.

“So did my mum. But it wasn't enough, just lovin’ your kid ain’t reason to get to ignore everything else.” This, the way Aaron pushes his chest out, waves a hand in the air as he speaks, is what Robert was waiting for. 

That terrifying sense of betrayal.

“You can hardly compare.”

“But you were. You were comparing how important your mum was to you to -- to how important Rebecca must be to Seb but that’s different. He’s a baby, you were old enough to --”

Robert scrunches his eyes up, shakes his head and sees his mum. He sort of hates Aaron with all he has for bringing it up, that massive giant elephant in the room.

Seb can’t lose his mum. 

It drums through his head and aches and aches and aches.

“Please don’t.” He says, head hanging, eyes watering again. “Aaron, it was an impossible decision. Whatever I said, someone would have got hurt by it.”

Aaron scoffs. “But you made it without me anyway didn't ya? You and Rebecca. Fuck what Aaron thinks about Seb, he hated him this time last year so --”

And sometimes, just sometimes things are always bound to come out in arguments that make Robert feel like there is absolutely nothing he can do about what Aaron allows himself to think.

Allows his mind to go.

It hurts, stings so badly as he shakes his head. “No.” He says. “It wasn't like that at all, we -- I knew you’d --”

“Convince ya otherwise yeah?” Aaron shouts, blinks out tears that fall down his face and make Robert want to hide. “You selfish prick.” He says, in this way that makes Robert’s heart sink because he’s heard that voice, he’s heard how deflated and crushed Aaron has sounded because of what Robert has done to him, and yet heard that love still there. 

It’s the most bittersweet thing in the world.

But it’s always been there, that hate and love mixed up in one, love almost always trumping that hate until --

“Please don’t hate me for this.” 

But Aaron just clings onto the giraffe and suddenly Robert sees Chas and he feels sick.

“I didn't even get a cuddle.” Aaron’s shaking his head and trying to catch his breath as he cries and Robert hates himself for thinking this would be easier, letting Rebecca go, letting her be happy, giving Seb all the family he has, not letting Aaron let everything else make him so adamantly against Seb going anywhere.”You waited until you let him go, until you left him with her, until they were driving away happily ever after to let me know what you’d done.”

Robert blinks quickly, waves a hand over his face. “I didn't want you to get --”

“What? Upset? I suppose I ain’t meant to am I?”

Robert scowls. “That’s not fair, that isn't fair. Stop makin’ me the bad guy.” He shouts back but Aaron just scoffs, ignores him.

“Or Liv, God, did you have the decency to tell her or did she work it out herself?”

Robert bites his lip, she’d been upset, he’d seen her try and hide it by making them both a cup of tea, running the water a little longer than usual and whilst the kettle was already boiling. He’d seen her cry and told her he was sorry but she was quiet, like she knew it wasn't her place to fight for Seb. 

And that hurt even more.

Because he was her family, he still fucking is.

“I told her.”

Aaron nods, blows out a breath and stares down at the giraffe again. “How could ya, really, how could you just give him up like that without even letting me know?” He says. after so many seconds of nothing. 

And Robert just sighs, feels something get lodged in his throat as he speaks. “It wasn't easy, you have to know that okay? But she’s his mum, and she loves him, and I couldn't --”

“Let your son go without a mum.” Aaron whispers, strokes a hand across the soft fabric of the giraffe. “I thought we were great with him though you know? Didn't you? Do you think she could have done a better job, is that it?”

Robert suddenly moves forward, tries to reach out. “Aaron, you -- you’re the best daddy in the world, it wasn't you okay?” 

“Don’t say that to me. Don’t you fuckin’ dare when you've let him go.” Aaron shouts, frowns. “’Cause it doesn't matter now does it, not to him. Ross’ll be more of a dad to him than I ever will. Ross.” He almost chuckles and Robert’s jaw tenses.

“No way.” He says suddenly, shaking his head. “Aaron, he loves ya.”

Aaron looks up. “And I love him, like my own, but at the end of the day it didn't matter. And I wish he was mine but he isn't is he?”

“You’re his dad Aaron.” Robert says seriously, chin trembling. “He’s yours.”

Aaron winces. “Not when it mattered.” He says, so finally that Robert nearly trips over how much it aches him. “And I never will be.”

He goes to leave, places the monitor down like he has to remind himself to leave it behind, break the force of habit. Bur Robert places a hand on his chest. 

“This, it doesn't change how much we love him or he loves us. I should have told ya but I was so scared and I didn't -- I was just tryna make it all okay. I was really trying to be a good person for once in my life and --”

“I hope you feel like one.” Aaron says drily, pushes Robert’s arm away from him. “And I hope you can live with yourself.”

Robert shudders, frowning, confused and hurt and --

“With you I can, without you hating me I could. Aaron, please tell me you don’t hate me.”

Only Aaron just leaves, and he watches him disappear downstairs with the spare blanket.

--

He doesn't sleep, just keeps looking at pictures of Seb on his phone and re-reading the text Rebecca had sent hours ago.

Apparently all is well. 

He wants it to settle something in his chest only it doesn't. 

He shuffles further down on the bed and sighs, this sudden awareness setting in, the one that says he’s alone.

But the door goes, the hall light comes flooding in and Aaron stands there with the blanket over his shoulder. He doesn't say anything as he sets it down and climbs into the bed, hesitantly pulls the covers over him and looks at Robert with these heavy eyes. 

“I could never hate ya.” Aaron says, and Robert’s whole body liquefies as he hears him speak. He gravitates towards Aaron without warning, buries his head in Aaron’s chest and shudders a little. He feels Aaron tentatively press a kiss to his head, feels his anger, his pain, but that love is there too just like always. 

Robert keeps saying he’s sorry, repeats it as Aaron holds him and then he pulls away. It makes Robert panic a little, and then Aaron is holding Jeff again, squeezing at the little Giraffe and then placing it between them both.

“So we’re both not alone in this.”

This day, this feeling, this sadness.

Robert nods, can’t help but drift off now that Aaron’s right here.

[toeychan]

The 3 Months Mid-Night Room

*-This content that you about to see

has been contained many violent and inappropriate actions-*

** To be clear, this fiction story never happens in real life

and the writer does not have any intention of encouraging any hatred

I hope you could get the message after reading the Ending” **

Mid-night of February A.D. 19XX

**Somewhere around the SouthEast China Sea**

X: “Yes, we are taking them as prisoners to this sub-”

**Gun Shots**

G1: “What happens?”

X: “Pardon me, but I have to hang up

then I will call you back later, Sir.”

 X hung up…

 He stood up then walking straight to the hatch…

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!!!”

 X yelled with terrify angry face toward to who

 is standing outside of submarine that They have come from

 after a few moments later X’s face return to being a dead fish face

“I remember that I said do not kill them, they are just citizen…

 And I am doubting that gunshots could kill Entire people in the fishing boat”

 While X said with looking at the bodies on the ground at the same time

With emotionless eyes

“Sorry, Sir, but Those prisoners have resisted being arrested

then They engaged us, so I thought-”

 “Forget it how many people have you killed?”

X cut the conversation of that crew member

and started to ask a new question

 “I think, it’s 12 people.” the crew member said

 “probably exactly max capacity of member…

 Have you finished searching in this boat yet?”

 X said while claiming outside

 “Not yet, Sir” the crew member said

 “…”

 5 minutes later

 “We got one prisoner, Sir!” one of a crew member that carrying one middle-age girl said

 “Only one?” X said

 “Just only one, Sir.” a crew member said

“…” X can see the crew member is carrying an unconscious girl

 “What happened to her?” X asked while feels stupid

about how could this such a bad black comedy happen to him today

“I used subconscious medicine on her it is really hard

to carry her without done it.” the crew member said

“I knew it” X thought in his mind and then says

“Takes her to the prisoner room then from now

every of a crew member in this submarine has to be Respectful to her.”

…

….

Day after…

“Captain, she already woke up, sir.” A crew member who is sitting next to X said

“I will talk with her personally later”

 X said while still doing his things

“She has been shouting and hitting the wall for 2 hours

Let’s wait until she calmed down then I will talk to her”

X thought

2 and half hours later…

 “Hey, our captain wants to meet you.” The girl inside the prisoner room

 which seems like high-quality Padded Cell Room

 with chairs and table yet a private shower and bathroom

heard someone says

 While the door is slowly opening

 “ไอเลวคอมมูนิสต์” the girl speaks in some-

foreign language while sitting on the floor at the corner of the room

X enters the room then starts the conversation

“Could you speak the English language?”

X said in a gentle tone voice

“ไปตายซะ” the girl said to no one

“Keep looking at the monitor in case something might happen”

 X said to the crew member outside

“Well, so you are speaking Thai language, right?

I am so sorry about what had happened on the yesterday

it is really shameful and dishonourable not even for in my opinion

but the general also feels the same as well”

X apologizes in Thai language very frequently speaking

“…” X sees the girl turns her face away…

 “ahh…” X is sitting down then turns his back toward the girl

 And says

“I don’t have so many people to tell about my story…”

…no response

“Would you like to listen to me?

…

I love this sea…

I and my Father are love the sea

that is why I am here

We were born on somewhere around the beach…

half-memories of my childhood

are related to the sea…

back then my father always carried me around everywhere

to a lot of places…

to a lot of fun and to

a lot of people…

What is your favourite food?

my beloved food is always relating to sea…

I am like Seafood BBQ

Just simple menu but delicious sometimes I even catch

the ingredient by myself

…

….

 I have a niece

I am wondering what people on the outside of this submarine are doing…

I heard that Ship which you came from had been arriving in many places

 Before it sunk

 Are you the person who in part of those all journey?

 …

…

 I arrived in many places around Asia…

But most of them are businesses meeting

however, I still got many opportunities to go to had funned…

Well so I have to leave this room now

but I will come back to talk with you later

and I will make sure that I will bring you some goods”

X finished his self-talking

then

 leaves the room when the crew opens a door

The time passes already 1 day and a half after that night

“Well, sorry for being late mi-”

“I never wait for you.” the girl says like she said to herself

“…” X looks down a bit…

then X hand a bottle of tea to the girl.

“Do you want some?”

**awkward silence**

“…If you don’t mind, I would like to have some”

then X drinks tea from a bottle of tea by not making lip contact

“This taste really bad” X criticised the tea’s taste in his mind

“As I have said today, I also got stories to tell you”

after that X tells the girl the same topic

as he said in 2 days before but in another detail

It happens like that day to after days

sometimes not daily but 2 days per talk

Finally, one day…

“as usual that time I remember the father’s words

and I just know what I need to do

So, I jump into the sea-”

“could you tell me what happened to your father…?”

surprisingly the girl who never intends to talk

with X have spoken

 “Before you tell me about your father

 I want to tell you that I don’t like to talk to you but I am sick

to hearing you rambling around without any clear direction”

the girl told with a sound of irritating

to X a lot

X smiles to himself for a bit

“my father… is the person who makes me became captain…

he is an honourable navy force…

His ship even names after his name…

He is a pure heart person

who afraid to hurt any mosquito…

He only likes to live in the sea

and the person who tried his best to be

 The great Successor of our family

but he got an order to mobilize to the South China Sea…

but unfortunately, His ship sunk by an aircraft carrier

from NATO he should be the person got the first ticket

to get out of that ship… but he desired to sink in the sea with it…

No one really knows why he sunk with that ship…

even the survivor who came back has no idea about it…”

X is looking at his feet on the whole talking

“So, that is why you join this War?”

The girl said…

“No…, I don’t

I am just serving my country for my people and order that came from general

I want to be like my father…”

X said

“My name is Naree…”

the girl said

X close his eyes and say

“My name is Xia Ming,” X said

“Nice to meet you X.” the girl said

“Nice to meet you too Naree

Sorry I think that have to go I will come back tomorrow or next 2 days”

X said

“See you.” Naree said…

After that day Naree and X are starting to

making conversations and know each other

“Do you have any family member who waiting for you?”

Naree said in a Nostalgia way

“Ahh… It has been 3 months already after we have left the harbour

 But I could look at my family’s pictures…

and you?” X throw the question back to Naree…

“I have… mother father…and two nieces.”

Naree starting to look down on the floor when she said…

**2 minutes later in that room with awkward silence**

X stands up and say

“When the war is over you will return to see your family”

then X leave the room

7 days later after Naree hasn’t seen X…

“I might be a fool to trust him…” Naree said with disappointment

Meanwhile, X is opening the door

“What have you been doing!”

Naree said then turns her face to the door

She is seeing X’s all part of his body cover with the Blood

Naree could do nothing but terribly Shock, Scare, Horrify at this moment

“a…aaa...a-…. a~~~”

Those Blood on the X’s body is nothing to compare when the first time

She saw corpses in that fishing both

X throw a gun in his hands away and says

“You could go back to your home now as we always want”

Naree suddenly sees at the floor on X’s back there is a corpse with

Terrify face… She couldn’t hold it anymore she goes

to the bathroom and vomits

After that 5 minutes, Naree finished throw herself

but she locks herself in the bathroom

For 15 minutes before she gets out of that bathroom

She is seeing X have been sitting on the chair and waiting for her the whole times

Naree starting to throw questions to X

“What have you done?

And What do you mean that I could go back to my home right now”

Naree forced herself to talks

X turns his face to looks at Naree and says

“As you can see that I killed someone and from this blood on my body…

In fact, I killed everyone on this submarine

Except us” X said

“Why?” Naree still confusing

“I glad you ask

This Submarine is XC-01 it’s a super weapon that

we believe it is the next gen of killing machine that

got high-tech stealth technology

including an arm with Nuclear-Weapon.

Do you remember the incident?

that Meteor drops at Manila?

I would like to say it’s not Meteor

it’s a missile from this submarine.

Furthermore, I know This submarine is here to be the trump card

for making sure No matters what happened outside still my country will

wins the war. Recently on 2 days ago, I got a direct order

to set nuclear ballistic missile

On 3 places

I believe

if I set target from the order, I predict that at least 5 million

of people have to die in their city

This submarine got 5 nuclear ballistic missiles

And if NATO does not surrender, I think this submarine

will head to the around Europe Sea

So, I feel that if I have to choose between 5 million people and the end

Of Mao Era, it is no brainer for me”

X said with incredible mono-tone on this really serious topic

“I am about to sink this weapon to bottom of the sea

I have two choices for you… Return to your family

In your country or sink with this submarine”

X said

“what about you?” Naree said

“I couldn’t live after I commit all of these things

Whether where I go… I sunk 8 NATO ships and 2 citizen boat…

Or go back to my country as a mass murderer traitor…”

“I better to sunk together with all of my crew that killed by me”

“This is your opportunity chance even you don’t regret to lose your life

But I bet your family does…”

“I know about your cultured a lot… I have been learning your culture

Right there for 3 years…Please.” X gives small gentle while he is saying it

Naree shocked again with what said by X but this time

It is how much she appreciates the chance and kindness of his action…

“I will”

“I will go back to my family” Naree is trying to hold back her tears while talking

“I am glad you said it”

“but I want to say right now about most of the picture

that you will see in this submarine

could be a really terrifying picture for you…

I suggest that I will use this cloth to blind your eyes

until you get into small life submarine in this submarine”

X looks at Naree when he

said

“Okay.” Naree said then closes her eyes

**A moment later**

X untied the piece of cloth then he says

“We are here open your eyes”

“I will set auto-pilot to your destination it will drive by itself.

I already contact NATO about I am surrendering

and arriving to meet them

They will wait for you no matter what, Please good luck”

X said with his first smiles for Naree

“Thanks.” She said while smiling back to him

X close life submarine’s hatch then a few moments later

he launches Small life submarine’s

“Okay…It is only one thing left to do…” X said while diving down…

The sun is Rising… It is starting the morning

the new day for Naree

She felt like it just happened over within one night…

And Finally, She is going back to her home…

[delcat177]

Tag!

Rules! Tag (numbers) people you want to get to know!

I was tagged by @heliodora97 while between PCs, made a note not to forget that shit, promptly forgot that shit, and just remembered that shit 8,D

This got long (of course)

Name: Del Terance-Theodore Scott

Gender: Trans guy

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 4′10″, 147.32cm, a smol, just a real smol boy

Sexuality: 5.9 on the Kinsey scale.  Like, maybe one woman in three hundred piques my interest, and that’s usually because they’re coded masculine.  The entire nonbinary spectrum is a case-by-case deal, although again, I’m more inclined toward masc coding.  Basically, I’m panromantic but with the BIGGEST FUCKING BIAS toward gay and 99.8% gay sexually, and since I’m in a monogamous relationship, identifying as gay is really just easier and more gender euphoric.

Also I wanna fuck the fish

What image do you have as your lock screen: 

This has been my lock screen, header, and PC background for two years now and I do not anticipate it changing, thank you @nooneandeveryone

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Two or three notable teachers in college and a little schoolboy crush on my high school teacher because he liked and understood me better than 90% of the kids in Crazy Fundie School (he liked MST3K!!!)

Where do you hope to see yourself in 10 years: Holding a big folder of fanfiction marked “DONE” with a big red rubber stamp

If you could go anywhere else right now where would it be?: France, my fiance is probably on their second cup of morning coffee by now

What was your coolest Halloween costume?: Since Halloween is my birthday and Mom was INCREDIBLY patient and skilled, I had some real bangers.  A few that stand out are Queen of the Butterflies and The Most Extra Grizabella the Glamour Cat Cosplay Ever because I am very very gay, plus a not-too-shabby DIY Pyramid Head costume for my last year ever going out.  I think I’m proudest of the year I decided I wasn’t too old for trick-or-treating at the VERY last second, though--I found a huge picture frame and Mom pinned some fabric to the top as a backdrop and bam, I was a portrait.  I taped a “plaque” made out of a post-it reading “(NAME), AUTHOR, AGE 9″ on the bottom because I had Aspirations.  My arms were killing me from carrying it by the end of the night but folks loved it.

What was your favorite 90’s TV show?: 

First fandom and one of the greatest.

Just don’t talk to me about the remake.  Don’t fukken do it.

Last kiss?: Last August, at the airport...I wanna go drink coffee wah

Favorite book?: 

BUT TO NAME A FEW

My love of Discworld and The Phantom Tollbooth should be very apparent, I adore short horror fiction, but one of my favorite unsung heroes is Bruce Coville.  He was one of my greatest influences growing up, both through his books and through his stubbornness in getting anthologies aimed at kids with REAL stories published.  Seriously, the Bruce Coville’s Book Of... series has To Serve Man, Zero Hour, It’s a Good Life, all these sci-fi classics that were in Real Adult Anthologies and the most fucking surreal shit I have ever read and I am counting my adult experiences.  I read Joe R. Lansdale’s The Fat Man at 9 because Bruce Coville thought I should have that right and bless him, I have never been the same.

When I was 10, Mom found out that Bruce was doing school presentations in Michigan and made some calls (I was still homeschooled at the time) and got me in not just to see the presentation, but meet him in person beforehand and talk to him one-on-one.  It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, but I spent a long time wondering if he’d still accept me if I met him as a trans gay adult, because part of being trans is having your fantasies cut short with “shit what if he misgendered me”.

So I wrote him a long letter about it and it turns out he’s progressive as fuck and totally accepts me and now we’re honest-to-God comment-on-each-other’s-posts Facebook friends.

No seriously.  Sometimes your idols actually turn out to be heroes.  Every time I see him lambast Trump my kokoro doki dokis and boy howdy that’s a lot of dokis.

Have you ever been stood up?: I dated all of two people before falling in love with Crow, so I didn’t really get the chance, which is probably a good thing?

Have you ever been to Las Vegas?: I lost two life’s savings on Neopets in one day when the slot machines came out, I spent everything I had and then sold one of my most expensive items and spent all of the proceeds from that, so I’m just gonna play the occasional quiet game of Poker Night 2 ok

Favorite pair of shoes: I have Achilles’ tendonitis so I can really only wear specific sneakers, but before we knew that, I used to beg Mom to let me buy boots at the Army Surplus store and I would wear them until the sides gave out (yes, the sides, my ankles are fucked up and weird).  Gender euphoria to the NINES.  I miss it augh.

Favorite fruit?: A L L OF T H E M

ok actually I’m not too much into citrus except for pomelos and kiwis are too sour and these things can fuck right off but buddy I avoid putting on stoner weight because I will just sit there slowly eating individual blueberries like a lizard for four hours, or crack open a can of jackfruit, or make myself positively ill on cherries, FRUIT IS AMAZING

I think if I absolutely HAD to choose, it’d be cherries.  Cherries are Michigan’s Thing and we used to pick them ourselves from tourist farms and oh God I am forever spoiled on cherry flavor because that shit does NOT compare.  It’s so good.  It’s so so good.

Casul is a fruit bat for a reason ok

Stupidest thing you have ever done?: 

Boy howdy that’s a long dark road to potentially go down so let’s have three lesser stupids instead of my sincere regrets:

--I got a virus when I was 15 and someone hacked my comp saying that if I didn’t give him my Neopets password he’d delete all my shit and I didn’t disconnect but instead made fun of him in whatever janky chat thing he installed because I didn’t think he could do it (he could) (funny in retrospect except I’m still pissed over losing all of my progress on the RM2K game I was making at the time) --When I was but an amateur stoner I didn’t realize my body would lie to me about how much it could actually eat and I ingested so, so many cashews and then staggered into the bathroom and de-ingested them violently while my dumbass brain went “haha whoops” --In Hawaii I fell on the sidewalk, completely erased the skin on my knee, terrified a family of Asian tourists by trying to patch up my profuse bleeding while the wind blew my hastily-bought medkit down the road, and spent two months nursing the two-inch-square wound it left behind.  I have related this before.  I have not related that the entire reason I tripped was I noticed a small dog on the other side of the street and got so excited I forgot how to walk.

I tag uhhhhh @thegrinningcrow, @qglas, @sugarburger, @machi-tobaye, @melancthe, @squid-ichorous, @panur, @i-like-too-many-boys, and @clumsyshark, but I would happily read responses from absolutely anyone, just tag me back please!

[richiefuckfacetozier]

Chapter 17: Father’s Day

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Pairing: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak

Located on Archive of our own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

Title - "Father's Day" by Frank Turner

Warning: Use of homophobic slurs

“We need to talk.” His father said sternly.

“Wentworth," Richie sighed deeply. "I really don’t care what you want to talk about with me right now.”

“Look at me, young man.”

He crossed his arms, thinking he would ignore the request and go to bed. After their conversation, he certainly wished he had.

Richie turned around as annoyingly slow as he could. His father was holding up a small piece of paper. Richie squinted his eyes, even with his strong prescription, seeing was not his forte. He walked toward him slowly then froze. His throat dried up and his stomach felt like it was going to extricate the burger he ate that afternoon. The best meal of his life because he was holding Eddie’s hand the whole time was about to betray him.

Because in his father’s hand was not just a piece of paper.

It was a photo.

A photo of him and Eddie kissing as if no one else in the world was there.

Art by @slashpalooza

Richie was usually a pacer when horrible situations happened. He already fidgets constantly and moving helps him calm down. At this moment, he needed to do the opposite and sit because his knees were about to give out from shock. He thought he was careful hiding the photo under his mattress, knowing his parents never went into his room.

Wait a minute, why did he go into my fucking room?

“That photo has nothing to do with you.” Richie said in a shaky voice. His heart was pounding roughly against his chest.

“Sit down, Richard.”

“This is a total invasion of my fucking privacy.” Richie’s voice did not even sound like him. It was angry but most of all, terrified.

“This is my house you selfish shit. Sit down.” He repeated.

Richie’s legs moved automatically toward the empty armchair in the living room. Sitting far away from his father felt better even if he was obeying him. “What are you planning to do with the picture?” Richie said through gritted teeth.

“Nothing, if you shut up for once and do what I tell you.” Their eyes met with matching expressions of hatred. Wentworth put the photo in his pocket. “Here’s what is going to happen. You will break up with this boy.”

“I love him.” Richie replied immediately.

“You what?” His father sneered.

“I. LOVE. HIM.” Richie accented every syllable as if he could slam the words into his father’s brain through speech.

“You don’t know what love is Richard.”

“I’m not you. So yeah, I fucking do.”

“Enough!” Wentworth jabbed his finger toward Richie as his voice became deadly quiet. “You listen to me boy. I will not have any of this disgusting business under my roof. You are ungrateful and have no idea the embarrassment you bring upon this family. We didn’t raise you this way.” It was all words Richie had heard before. Listening to his father’s disappointment was similar to a CD stuck on repeat, persistently aggravating you until the player is turned off.

“You didn’t really bother raising me actually.” Richie said lazily.

“Do you think this is funny? Are you trying to ruin this family?”

“You do that all on your own.”

“How dare…”

“No! It’s my turn to talk.” Richie stood up and turned off any filter he had ever taught himself. This was the speech he always desired to speak but never did. He hesitated thinking about how Eddie would feel if he could see him now, but then pushed that down. “You say I never shut up. Well, here’s a Richie tirade for you, FATHER...”

“...You leave us for 3 weeks over winter break without any explanation, just completely disappear. You know who held us together? It wasn’t me. It was Eddie. He came by every day to make sure Mom and I were eating, bathing, cleaning the damn house, simple life stuff. Because I could barely handle Mom being drunk everyday. Now, she’s trying to get better for me she says. And what are you doing to help this family? Planning to leave her, which she doesn’t even KNOW, and telling me that I can’t be with the one person who brings me any kind of happiness in life. Why are you the world's BIGGEST JACKASS?!” Richie knew his face was on fire. He had never yelled so much and for so long before. 

I can barely breathe. Why can’t I breathe right? Is this what a panic attack feels like? I need Eddie to tell me.

Wentworth stared at Richie with harsh contempt. He seemed speechless, completely unable to defend himself. He brought back his only ammunition, threats. “End whatever this is or there will be consequences.”

A nasty laugh ripped through Richie. The kind of bitter laugh that didn’t reach your eyes and had no trace of mirth. “You think you can threaten me? I’m not scared of you. You are weak and pathetic. There is nothing you can do to me that will get me to break up with Eddie. He’s more important to me than anyone, or anything, or even my own life. Do your fucking worst.”

“If you don’t end it. I will make sure this…” He held up the photograph again. The harmless, beautiful picture of him and Eddie. “...gets into the hands of his mother.”

Richie sat down heavily staring at the man in horror. It felt like a boulder had dropped into Richie’s stomach. He was such a fool. His father was the most manipulative person in his life. He should have realized he would not bother threatening Richie. He hasn’t been able to control his son’s actions for a long time. He would have to threaten Eddie instead. It was like witnessing a cartoon villain threatening his love. Except the villain was real and him and Eddie may not survive this kind of pain.

“No…” Richie heard his voice whisper. “You wouldn’t.”

“I bet Sonia has no idea her son is a fucking faggot.” Wentworth snarled. Richie clenched his hand automatically. His brain craved the possibility of his fist meeting his father’s jaw. But he did not punch him. That was not the kind of person he wanted to be. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

“As you and mom have pointed out before, I’m a fucking faggot. How does that make you feel to have raised a boy that loves dick? Perhaps that’s why you named me Richard.” His father stood suddenly and Richie followed suit. They were the same height but Wentworth weighed at least 70 pounds more. They had never hit each other before, but Richie wondered if it was time one of them did.

“What’s going on?” Came the sharp voice of his mother. Richie looked at her feeling an irrational rage toward her too. If she had left him, I would not be in this mess. Why do we both have to be trapped with this monster?  

“Go back to your room, Maggie.” Wentworth’s voice was low and commanding. Richie glared back at him. It made him sick how controlling he was with both of them.

“No, I don’t know what’s going on but you two need to cool off.” His mother walked over and stood in front of Richie to move him away. Richie looked at her in confusion, when he realized she was trying to put herself in between them. No, she’s trying to protect me from him. The revelation almost made him cry.

“Mom,” Richie said quietly. She put her hand on his shoulder pushing him from the room.

“You end it with that little shit boy or you know what will happen.” Wentworth called viciously behind him.

“Fuck you!” Richie growled.

“Rich, go to your room, sweetheart. Lock the door and blast music.” She said hurriedly.

He stopped walking, “I’m not leaving you alone with him.”

“I can handle your father.”

“Mom, he told me...that I can’t see Eds that I have to br - ” Richie choked on the words. He swallowed back the sob. “I love him, mom. Please.”

Her golden brown eyes that matched his gazed up at him with concern and fascination. She hesitantly brought her hand up to brush away his tears. He had no idea when he started crying but was too distraught to care.

“Eddie’s lucky to have you.” She whispered kindly.

Richie shook his head as his lip trembled, “I’m lucky to have him.”

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you for not being your father.” He was hit with so much affection for her. He wrapped his long arms around her slender frame in a hug he hoped would give her strength.

“I love you, mom.” He couldn’t remember the last time he and told her that.

“I love you so much more.” She replied. He definitely couldn’t recall her saying those words to him. They broke apart and he headed to his room.

He didn’t lock the door or play music. He wanted to listen to everything they had to say. The argument started with Richie, then went to Richie and Eddie, then swiftly got to them. Richie lit a cigarette. It took him five times to light it because his hands were shaking. That first draw from the stick eased his nerves a little. He hadn't smoked a cigarette in almost a month and knew Eddie would hate it but desperation trumped his guilt. He zeroed in on the fighting again. 

“We don’t deserve that kid and this is how you treat him.”

“You act like a fucking saint. You’ve treated him much worse than I ever had!”

“That’s because I am sick, but I'm getting better. You’re just an asshole!” Her screaming was so loud, Richie wondered if the neighbors would call the police.

“You fucking bitch. I provide for this family and give you everything and…”

Richie could barely stomach their argument. He paced around his room, his energy on overdrive. His mother screamed at his father to get out of the house and never come back. He told her he was planning on it anyway but that it was her responsibility to end Richie and that boy’s defiling of the family name. It was exhausting to listen to, like a never-ending record scratch.

The front door slammed violently and his mother was screaming at him to drop dead.

Richie heard her go into the kitchen and wondered if he should go out there. A part of him wanted to feign being asleep if she tried knocking, but that was their old relationship.

He rolled out of his bed and headed to the kitchen. He stood in the entrance frame watching his mother attempting to make hot chocolate.

“If the stove is too hot, it’ll burn.” Richie walked over and turned it down. Which I only know because of Eddie. Then he grabbed marshmallows from a cabinet and cinnamon sticks. He went into the fridge and took out the whipped cream, shaking the container before uncaping it.

She grinned at him weakly. “Where do all these sweets come from?”

“Oh Mom,” Richie said gently. “It’s time you knew that I only eat sweets.” He sprayed a ton of whipped cream straight into his mouth. 

She turned toward the stove and stirred the chocolate. “That must be why you are with Eddie.”

Richie choked on the whipped cream.

He swallowed quickly, looking at her in disbelief, “Mom, that was dirty.”

She laughed a genuine laugh. “Sorry! I meant because he is the sweetest of all. Damn it. That still sounds bad.”

“No, I’m using it on him. He’ll be mortified.” Richie’s laugh filled the kitchen and she chuckled too.

“That poor boy.” She shook her head. The hot chocolate was bubbling, so she took it off the stove to let it cool down. “Sonia has no idea about him does she?”

“Um...well he tried to tell her and she wouldn’t even let him say the word gay.” Richie watched his mother carefully. She didn’t flinch or frown. She just looked like the world was on her shoulders. “They aren’t speaking and he is technically not supposed to see me anymore. But of course, we don’t care.”

“Rich, I…” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I want to say I’m sorry.” She leaned against the kitchen counter with her arms crossed. He crossed his own subconsciously, half sitting on the kitchen table.

“For what?” He pushed.

“For everything. God...this is supposed to be step 9 of the program and I am supposed to have everything written out that I am sorry for.” She hung her head miserably as she tried to find the right words to say.

“If you want to wait until you get there, that’s ok.” Richie reassured her, even if he did want an apology. Hell, I want an apology for almost 17 years of neglect, please.

She tried again, “No, I want to say now that I’m sorry for how I reacted when you came out. I can barely even remember it because I was so…so...”

“Drunk. I remember. I was there. You also told me if you had a daughter this would not be an issue. You wouldn’t have to deal with a faggot son.” Richie thought about how horrible that night was. He had a perfect memory, practically photographic, so the expressions and words of hate his parents displayed were forever stamped in his brain.

“That’s the cruelest thing I could have said to you and I’m so sorry.” She blinked quickly trying to will her tears away.

Richie sighed not feeling in a comforting mood at that moment. “It happened. You can’t take it back.”

“No, I can’t.” She looked at him steadily. “Do you know why I said that?”

“So you could braid your hypothetical daughter’s hair? I mean mines getting pretty long so you could try -“

She interrupted his ramblings, “Because my biggest fear was seeing my husband in my son’s eyes.”

Richie stayed silent mulling that over. His biggest fear was becoming his father too. He shivered at the thought. Then asked quietly, “Was your fear?”

“I know, now, you could never be like him. You’re everything I want in a child and more. I’m sorry I never realized how good I got it until now.” There were no words for how that made Richie feel. He walked forward and hugged her for the second time that night. They pulled away to make their hot chocolate, adding tons of marshmallows and cinnamon sticks.

They sat down at the table in a bit of an uncomfortable silence. Richie usually avoided awkwardness by talking but he had nothing, in particular, he wanted to talk about.

“We should talk about your father’s threat to expose you and Eddie to his mom.” She said carefully.

Richie looked at her as he blew on his hot chocolate before drinking it. “Sure.”

“I think, and don’t bite my head off…” She waited for him to nod that he would stay relaxed. “As much as I hate to say it, you may need to temporarily end things with Eddie.”

“I’m not fucking doing that.” He practically slammed his mug on the table.

“Richie…” She warned

“No! I’m not afraid of him. Like you said, Wentworth can drop dead for all I care.” He yelled. She flinched at him raising his voice and he felt guilty. There had been too much yelling tonight. “I’m sorry.”

She gave him a sad stare. “Aren’t you afraid for Eddie? Our family is too messed for you to bring someone into it.”

“Mom I…”

“You love him. I know. It is ultimately your decision but you have to figure out whether he should have pain thrust upon him or choose to bring that pain on himself.” Those words hung in the air like a parasite ready to kill its host.

Cliffhanger x2

The next chapter is almost ready to go, nobody panic. Feel free to yell at me in the comments, over messenger, or ask. 

@sam-i-am2468 @dandeliontozier @reddie-brasil @takemetothetide @ohheydatsme @slashpalooza @averym14 @fucking-reddie @leidi-didi @savannaholeff

[mbtimemes]

brutally honest descriptions of the mbti types based off my experiences with them via a very sleep deprived infp

enfp:

-commitment issues? haha i’ve never heard of those :))))

-will literally punch a toddler in the throat if they say they support trump

-so i took the mbti test 7 times and i got infp twice and entp once?? i don’t really know, because i kind of fit into the infj sterotypes more, but if you really think about it i’m kind of an enfj? but i also really relate to isfps, but then again i think i’m too opinionated and logical to be a feeler, so entp isn’t out of the question, but i also feel like the entj cognitive functions really fit m

-genuinely love animals and it’s so pure

-hi sorry for not replying, i was in prison :3 also i moved to norway lol

-actually just the 2007 taco xd random aesthetic irl

-“i just came up with another book plot” texts approximately every 2.3 hours

isfp:

-hi i’m melissa i’m a 23 year old art school dropout and i abuse prescription pills but it’s okay because i have 200 followers on my grunge aesthetic instagram account. rent me an apartment?

-(talking about veganism to someone at a party) i just don’t understand how anyone could put all of that stuff in their body :/ *bends down to snort a line of cocaine*

-actually really artistically talented but much like the infp they refuse to give themselves any credit for it

-my dream man is someone who goes to coachella with me, helps me align my charkas, takes sad candid pictures of me, is willing to backpack around europe with me and my philosophy class during the summer,

-*googles* why do i share a type with literally every indie musician that has ever breathed lol

-probably fucked your girl in the back of a vape shop

infj:

-if you manage to find one never let them go they are some of the best people you’ll ever meet

-huge harry potter nerds

-can manage to get you to spill out your entire life story to them with a concerned glance

-please actually care for yourself for once and a while literally you do everything for everyone else just take some time for yourself god dammit you deserve it

-CATS™

-could be literally the most talented person in the world but would never come close to admitting it

-hi i’m actually just jesus christ irl! nice to meet you :-)

intj:

-they know everything

-like seriously everything it’s kind of scary like calm down karl

- allows themselves to recognize exactly one (1) human emotion per year

-can read for hours on end without getting bored and genuinely loves learning

-are generally dicks tbh especially to the people they love the most

-wikipedia articles™

-they actually aren’t actually the emotionless robots tumblr seems to display them as, they are actually extremely emotional in my experience and tend to get offended/upset easily and over small things

-sci-fi, cats, and machines > humans

-superiority complex™

-cute when they aren’t busy throwing tantrums/crushing the souls of their enemies

esfj:

-hi i’m martha, i’m 32 years young, i like long walks by the beach, yoga, and judging my neighbors for not mowing their lawn :-)  

-tend to be extra™ parents and their kids can either turn out complete emotional wreck assholes because they’ve never been disciplined or the happiest child you’ll ever meet, there is no in between

-they may be complete snakes and have never came up with an original idea in their entire life but boy can they make a killer chicken parmesan

-kind of comforting in a mother-like sense when they aren’t busy being judgmental dicks

-will clean your entire house for you on a whim

infp:

-wow i love being an infj :)) top 1% haha :))

-will literally develop a crush on someone because they say they know what tumblr is

-find purpose in writing/creating in general

-ending toxic relationships?? haha what’s that??? :))

-constantly switches between their “you can’t control me it isn’t a phase mom go away >:(( my chemical pilots at the disco saved me xd i will literally punch a baby fuck the system i’m 2cool4school” persona and their “i’m such a smol bean :3 save all the animals <333 i love pretty girls and dogs :))” persona

-“can i txt you back in like 15 mins i’m having an emotional breakdown lol”

-actually genuinely empathetic and creatively gifted but gives themself credit for none of it

-intelligent but fails classes because their teacher said something that went against their morals

-playing the victim? never heard of it! :))

-secretly just meme hoarders

-attention whores tbh i won’t even deny it

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

entp:

-hi it’s 6 fucking am and everyone just wants to go back to sleep or die or both but i’m gonna start an argument with the professor over the origin of tangerines for no apparent reason

-*googles* how to permanently get rid of my fe in 5 simple steps

-follow my meme page xd

-so what if i love my dog more than i do myself and my entire family?

-this conversation is boring me i’m gonna go chug a bottle of vodka and binge bill nye the science guy™ peace out

-have low self-esteems but compensate through obscure dark web conspiracy theories at 3 in the morning

-shirley i didn’t call you back because you’re a fake ass bitch not because i didn’t like your lasagna at the block party

estp:

-why do i keep physically abusing my crush lol

-and why do i keep yelling i can’t even stop at this point someone please send help

-they love food more than they do themselves

-fuckboys™

-hi welcome to my prank youtube channel :3

-the type of people to show up to school with 37 puppies and a knife

-i’m not gay but 20 bucks is 20 bucks

entj:

-sorry i didn’t show up to school because you’re fucking stupid

-awe infp is so cute <3 i’ll destroy them last

-*on the floor, drunk, talking to their dog* you’re the only motherfucker in this town who can handle me

-what do you mean other people’s opinions/beliefs besides my own are valid lol??

-lowkey have daddy kinks

-what do you mean it’s physically impossible for me to control every aspect of my life??

-i mean if you really think about it voldemort was the victim,

-the type of person who could tell their crush they like them without flinching. terrifying

istp:

-wears d.a.r.e shirts ironically

-1990’s grunge aesthetic

-would walk into a burning building for the meme

-playing the hero?? haha never heard of it :))

-ew what the fuck man get those feelings away from me lol

-fuck da police

-following the rules?? that seems excessive lmao no thanks

istj:

-i once had one (1) original idea back in the summer of ’67. it was terrifying. i’ll never do it again.

-your scary math teacher that wears black socks everyday expects friday. then they jazz it up a bit with stripes. will mark your grade up if you say you like the same sports team as they do.

-understanding concepts outside of your own experiences? lmao no thanks?

-will make quizlet sets organize your desk for you

-my dream in life is to narrate a crime documentary and complete my george washington memorabilia collection.

-remembers all of their colleagues birthdays. doesn’t say happy birthday.

enfj:

-fucking get over your ex already he wasn’t that attractive calm down allison

-*googles* why do i relate to regina george from mean girls so much?

-the type of person who tells your boyfriend you have a crush on him

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

-gets your shit together for you. judges you

intp:

-dead inside

-if you can manage to find one that actually tolerates you they are some of the most loyal and true people you’ll ever meet

-horrible social skills, compensates through meme hoarding

-sends you links to conspiracy theory videos when you’re sad

-extremely intelligent but they get lost in their own house

-whoops i just remember i haven’t showered in 3 weeks lol

-i would laugh at that joke but i’m 3 hours deep into an existential crisis and i’m 100% convinced you are actually a robot created by bill clinton so not today jeff

esfp:

-yes homo

-cries over cat videos in public

-facetimes you in a grasshopper fursuit at 3 in the morning

-probably an alcoholic

-has 87 different crushes at once

-you haven’t talked to them in 7 years but they’ll show up at your birthday party and give you dog

-also attention whores

-generally has the personality of someone who just did 10 lines of cocaine

isfj:

-one sec let me just gather up all of the fake empathy i can muster for this particular situation

-that one kid in class who always has perfect notes

-shudders at the thought of… a… creative… thought….

-falls in love with an estp approximately every 23 seconds

-hi i’m karen, i’m 34, i love my family, cupcake baking, helping people of course until it interferes with my own personal comfort haha, christmas decorations, room layouts,

-probably has a studyblr

estj:

-your angry boss

-probably cyberbullies children on the internet 

-has an emotional breakdown when they don’t win classroom jeopardy 

-*googles* who is bernie sanders and why do i want him dead

-organizes your shit for you, regrets it later

-dead inside

[spotifypremiumapks]

Marines, Service Members Killed in Afghanistan: Names, Photos & Tributes

Marines, Service Members Killed in Afghanistan: Names, Photos & Tributes

Who were the Marines and service members killed in Afghanistan? Rylee McCollum was about to become a young father in only three weeks and wanted to be a Marine as long as anyone could remember, even toting around a rifle in his diapers. Jared Schmitz was remembered as a “true American hero.” Serving his country was “something he’s always wanted to do, and I’ve never seen a young man train as hard as he did to be the best soldier he can be. Max Soviak was a Navy corpsman from Ohio whose sister described him on Instagram as “…my beautiful, intelligent, beat-to-the-sound of his own drum, annoying, charming baby brother was killed yesterday helping to save lives. he was a f***ing medic. there to help people. and now he is gone and my family will never be the same….he was just a kid. David Lee Espinoza was described as a “brave young man from Laredo, Texas.” Kareem Nikoui was a young Marine from California whose dad told Daily Beast he “really loved that family. He was devoted—he was going to make a career out of this, and he wanted to go. No hesitation for him to be called to duty.” They were among the 13 U.S. Marines and service members who lost their lives in the Kabul, Afghanistan, attack on August 26, 2021. Heavy is committed to running a tribute and photo for each. You will see those tributes and pictures below, and we are adding more as they are identified. President Joe Biden said in a news conference that the dead service members were “standing guard at the airport…These American service members who gave their lives are… heroes.. engaged in the selfless mission to save the lives of others.” However, some of the parents of the service members were very upset by how their children died. ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attack. Asked by the radio host in St. Louis what message he wanted Americans to remember, Mark Schmitz, Jared’s dad, said: “Be afraid of our leadership or lack thereof. Pray every day for the soldiers who are putting their lives at risk and doing what they love, which is protecting all of us. I think they’re the only ones that we can honestly say have our backs.” The Daily Beast reported that Steve Nikoui, a Trump supporter and Kareem’s dad, expressed anger toward President Biden, saying, “They sent my son over there as a paper pusher and then had the Taliban outside providing security. I blame my own military leaders… Biden turned his back on him. That’s it.” Here is a tribute and photo of each hero, added as they are released:

Rylee McCollum, Wyoming: ‘The Definition of Courage’

Rylee McCollum, of Bondurant, Wyoming, was remembered as “the definition of courage.” Chi McCollum, his sister, wrote on Facebook, “Rylee James. My heart is completely shattered. I love you so much. You are my hero and you were going to be the best dad. I love you, I love you, I love you… Semper Fi.” On August 19, she wrote, “I’m thankful everyday you are my brother. Stay safe, we love you. Can’t wait for your return and to meet my niece or nephew. Love you Brotato 💗🇺🇸🦅⚓️🌎” He was from Bondurant, Wyoming. “We are deeply saddened by the loss of this brave Marine,” Regi Stone wrote on Facebook. “When it comes to the definition of courage, Rylee Mccollum is it. We were fortunate to have him in our home in Wyoming many times as he and Eli were getting ready to enlist together. They kept each other out of trouble, which wasn’t easy, because they were both so ready to serve their country. One evening as we were all having dinner, Kim tried giving her best motherly advice and suggested that they let someone else go in first if the time ever came. Without hesitating, they both said, “if anything ever happens to us, just know, we were doing what we loved. We’re heartbroken but proud to have known this brave hero. Please pray for his family, his wife and new baby that will be born soon. And, let’s keep all his Marine brothers in our prayer. Semper Fi.” Wyoming’s Governor Mark Gordon confirmed McCollum’s death on Facebook. “I’m devastated to learn Wyoming lost one of our own in yesterday’s terrorist attack in Kabul, Afghanistan,” he wrote. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends of U.S. Marine Rylee McCollum of Bondurant. Jennie and I, along with all of Wyoming and the entire nation, thank Rylee for his service.” The Casper Star-Tribune reported that Rylee McCollum was on his first deployment for the evacuation and was manning a checkpoint at the airport when he died. His older sister, Roice McCollum, told the newspaper that he was expecting a baby in three weeks. “He wanted to be a Marine his whole life and carried around his rifle in his diapers and cowboy boots,” McCollum’s sister said. “He was determined to be in infantry… Rylee wanted to be a history teacher and a wrestling coach when he finished serving his country. He’s a tough, kind, loving kid who made an impact on everyone he met. His joke and wit brought so much joy.” She added: “Rylee will always be a hero not just for the ultimate sacrifice he made for our country, but for the way he impacted every life around him for the better. Making us stronger, kinder, teaching us to love deeper.” Rylee’s sister Chi wrote on Facebook, “My hero, Our hero, an American f***ing hero. I love you.”

Kareem Nikoui, California: ‘He Was Going to Make a Career Out of This’

Nikoui’s father, Steve, a California carpenter, told Daily Beast, “I stayed home from work yesterday because there was that attack and I knew he was there. So all day, I was glued to the TV.” He knew it would take about eight hours to tell him if his son was among the dead, and horribly, around 7:15 p.m. PT, “these young men walked up,” he said. He told Daily Beast, those Marines were “more choked up than me,” Nikoui said. “I was actually trying to console them. But at the same time, I just wanted them to get out as soon as possible so that no one from my family came back and saw them. I thought it appropriate that I be able to tell them.” “I haven’t gone to bed all night,” Nikoui continued to the publication. “I’m still in shock. I haven’t been able to grasp everything that’s going on.” Kareem “loved what he was doing, he always wanted to be a Marine,” said Nikoui to Daily Beast. He was initially stationed at Camp Pendleton and often brought fellow Marines home for the holidays. “He really loved that family. He was devoted—he was going to make a career out of this, and he wanted to go. No hesitation for him to be called to duty,” the father said. The Daily Beast reported that the father, a Trump supporter, expressed anger toward President Biden, saying, “They sent my son over there as a paper pusher and then had the Taliban outside providing security. I blame my own military leaders… Biden turned his back on him. That’s it.” A woman wrote on Facebook, “We lost a member of our Norco family yesterday. My friends grandson was one of the Marines killed in Kabul…Kareem Nikoui you are our hero and a hero to so many you were helping. Godspeed Marine! We thank you for your ultimate sacrifice and we will not forget you.”

Jared Schmitz, Missouri: ‘True American Hero’

Jared Schmitz, 20, was identified by his father in a St. Louis radio interview as one of the 13 U.S. Marines and service members who died in the attacks in Kabul, Afghanistan, on August 26, 2021. He was remembered as a “true American hero” who had always wanted to serve his country. Speaking to St. Louis Today radio, Mark Schmitz emotionally paid tribute to his son, who was from the St. Louis, Missouri, area, saying that serving in the Armed Forces was “something he’s always wanted to do, and I’ve never seen a young man train as hard as he did to be the best soldier he can be. That’s a big part of why we are all obviously devastated and sad, but there’s so much anger right now because he wasn’t even given that opportunity to demonstrate all the skills he had protected and learned while in the Corps, and he took his job very seriously. Someone came along took the easy way out and ended everything for him and for us. And the others who were killed.” State Rep. Nick Schroer wrote on Facebook, “Today please pray for Lance Corporal Jared Schmitz who paid the ultimate sacrifice yesterday serving our nation. This young marine was from St. Charles County and is a true American hero. Keep his family in your prayers today. Thank you for your service young man! God Bless you and your family, Marine.” Heavy reached out to Jared’s father to see if the family wanted to say more, and he said they would be sending out a release soon. Schmitz told St. Louis Today’s Carol Daniels: “I was able to talk to him this morning, his son was killed in yesterday’s explosion. Marines came by at 2:30 in the morning to give the horrific news. They are supposed to come back today to follow up on more details, what happens next, details I am assuming, I don’t know a lot but unfortunately our son was one of the 13 casualties yesterday.” Schmitz said Jared had only been in Afghanistan for two weeks. “He was stationed in Jordan on his first deployment and then when things got a little hairy over in Afghanistan, he was one of the 6,000 or so troops that was called in.” The father said that he and his wife were concerned when they found out Jared would be going to Afghanistan. “We knew this was something he trained for and was looking forward to participating in,” he said. “He was not the type that liked to sit around and get his four years in and walk away.” He added, “He wanted to be in a situation where he actually made a difference in what his role was within the Marine Corps; he was excited to get that opportunity. As his parents, of course we were terrified. I don’t have words for how upset we are and I am sure he is as well, This is just absolutely devastating Mark Schmitz said that his son graduated from high school in 2019 and as a Marine in October 2020. He was a Lance Corporal. “He was probably one of the coolest unique individuals I’ve ever met. Very honored, I can call him my son,” the father said, becoming emotional during the radio interview. “His life meant so much more and so incredibly devastated that I won’t be able to see the man that he was very quickly growing into becoming.”

Max Soviak, Ohio: ‘Helping to Save Lives’

Soviak’s sister Marilyn posted on Instagram, that her “baby brother was killed yesterday helping to save lives.” She wrote: I’ve never been one for politics and i’m not going to start now. What I will say is that my beautiful, intelligent, beat-to-the-sound of his own drum, annoying, charming baby brother was killed yesterday helping to save lives. he was a f***ing medic. there to help people. and now he is gone and my family will never be the same. there is a large Maxton sized hole that will never be filled. he was just a kid. we are sending kids over there to die. kids with families that now have holes just like ours. i’m not one for praying but damn could those kids over there use some right now. my heart is in pieces and I don’t think they’ll ever fit back right again. Max Soviak was a Navy corpsman. He was a medic in the U.S. Navy, and was a native of Berlin Heights, Ohio, according to Fox 8. “Max was full of life in everything he did,” Edison Local Schools said in a statement to the television station. He was killed at the airport’s Abbey Gate. “He was well respected and liked by everyone who knew him,” the district said. U.S. Senator Rob Portman wrote, “Jane and I are heartbroken by the death of Max Soviak, a Navy Fleet Marine Force Hospital Corpsman from Berlin Heights, who lost his life in the service of his country. He was a hero who died serving with his Marine brothers helping to save fellow countrymen and our Afghan allies. We mourn his loss and are praying for his family and friends.” Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost tweeted, “Max Soviak was one of ours, a 2017 graduate of Edison High School. Each one who died had a hometown where they were known—classmates, friends, family. Familiar places they should’ve been able to return to as they grew older sights and sounds and memories. They did not die as Republicans or Democrats, but as Americans, self-sacrificially serving others in the face of danger. Let us honor them.”

David Lee Espinoza, Texas: ‘A Brave Young Man’

David Lee Espinoza was a Marine. The City of Laredo, Texas, wrote on Facebook, “The City of Laredo expresses its most heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of U.S. Marine David Lee Espinoza, a brave young man from Laredo, Texas. Thank you for your service to the United States of America and Laredo. Your acts of courage and bravery will always be remembered in our community. Read the full article

[popolitiko]

By: The Jewish News of Northern California

Two women, one wearing a tallit, blow the shofar amid the Capitol rioting, . (Photo/Lloyd Wolf)

Q&A: Lloyd Wolf, a Jewish photographer who captured photos of the Capitol mob

When Lloyd Wolf heard the long blast from a shofar at the Jan. 6 Stop the Steal protest, the photographer was determined to find the source. He found two women, one with a prayer shawl wrapped around her head, the other holding a shofar painted with an American flag motif, and snapped a picture.

Wolf, a freelance photographer based in the Washington, D.C., area, said he joked with the women about whether they would be sounding the blasts typically heard during High Holiday services.

“Are you going to do three shevarim also?” he asked them — and got blank stares in return.

Wolf only expected to hear shofar blasts at High Holiday services at the Fabrangen Havurah in D.C., where he is a member.

“I think what they were doing was trying to blow the shofar like Joshua,” Wolf said, referring to the Jewish warrior’s blasts that brought down the walls of Jericho in a biblical saga about resisting corrupt governments. That story inspired at least some of the Trump supporters who convened last week in Washington to protest the outcome of the presidential election.

The shofar has been taken up as a symbol by evangelical Christians, who make up many of Trump’s supporters. The shofar blowers Wolf encountered were just a small part of a much larger crew of Trump supporters — including extremist Proud Boys and QAnon supporters — that he photographed at the Capitol.

Do you remember what they were yelling and screaming?

“Hang Biden,” “Stop the steal” or “We’re for Trump” or “We’re the party of Trump.” Those were the main ones you would hear. There was also an evangelical Christian prayer meeting going on to one side, where they were speaking in tongues, trying to prayerfully exhort the Congress to do what they felt was God’s will, to remove Satan from their hearts.

What other signs or symbols did you see?

There was someone walking around with an Israeli and a Mexican flag. I did not see the fellow with the Camp Auschwitz T-shirt, though I must have been very near him based on a picture I saw. There were a number of Proud Boys wearing black and yellow. There was QAnon, there were Three Percenters, obviously a great variety of MAGA hats, some Second Amendment signs, Confederate flags.

One flag said in big letters “Jesus is my Savior. Trump is my president.” There was another flag where somebody grafted Trump’s head onto the standard movie poster of Rambo, with Trump, bare-chested, holding this big rocket launcher.

The place was colorful, like a Renaissance Faire or a Grateful Dead show or Comic Con. People wore all kinds of stuff. Mostly there were a lot of people in camouflage. The majority of the people I saw [looked like] white working-class people, probably rural, a few sort of “country club Republicans,” but a small number.

And it looks like people were blowing shofars. What was going on there?

I heard the sound of a tekiyah gedolah and found them. There were two women blowing shofars. One was painted up in American flag motif and one of them had a tallit wrapped around her head, which had red piping on it, which I’m told is common among Messianic Jews.

I asked them, ‘Are you going to do three shevarim also?’ [Shevarim are medium-length blasts blown on Jewish holidays.] And they had no idea what I was talking about. They said, ‘Are you Jewish?’ And I went, yes. And they said ‘Shalom,’ which was I think the extent of their Hebrew. And they talked to other people about how powerful they were.

I think what they were doing was trying to blow the shofar like Joshua.

I ran into my colleague Lucian Perkins, who’s won two Pulitzers, and I said, ‘Did you ever think you’d be covering a fascist riot at the Capitol?’ and we kind of shrugged and went back to work. I learned from my colleagues that some photographers were beaten, I know one from The Associated Press took it hard.

What kept you photographing in the chaos?

My father grew up in Frankfurt, Germany, in the Nazi era. He came to America, was in the American Army. His unit was part of the group that opened Buchenwald. My father was pretty quiet about it, but occasionally he would talk about what had happened in Frankfurt. On his bar mitzvah day, he was terrified of getting beaten up by thugs because his mother dressed him in a nice suit with a black fedora hat on his head.

The Proud Boys are the equivalent of Hitler’s Sturmabteilung. [The Sturmabteilung served as the Nazi Party’s paramilitary wing, functioning as domestic street terrorists; the Proud Boys are a loosely organized group of far-right extremists who have supported Trump but do not work for the government.] In the midst of this howling mess, they kept saying ‘this is our house, this is our place,’ and it is, in a sense, but it’s not theirs. It came to me that this fascist thuggery and oppression is what my father came from America to get away from.

When I came away from that thing, I was shaken up. I was always calm, collected, focused on doing my job when I was there. But I came home to my partner, Ruth, and said ‘I’m OK, but I’m going to have a little PTSD stuff for a couple days.’ And that was true.

What kind of PTSD symptoms are you having?

I’m having flashbacks. I know from having photographed a bombing in Jerusalem, with bodies all over the street being bagged up, that something just comes down to protect you as a journalist and you just keep working.

About a week after the bombing, I was with my writer and I was crying. Since then, periodically, that stuff comes back into my consciousness. And I think the same will happen with this. It will reemerge. But we’re designed psychologically to look at it in pieces because otherwise you freak out, you can’t function. And that’s not how I’m wired.

And are you preparing to photograph at the inauguration?

If I’m well, if it’s safe to go down, I will go down. I am planning on going back.

I’m fine now. I’ve been threatened and hurt worse in the past. But this is in our own country. It was at the Capitol. And it was big. It was just like being inside a storm.

By: The Jewish News of Northern California

[spiffysixxsense]

Pssst, do 1-65 of the questions you’re not used to 🖤

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?I doubt my own existence, not so much others. (I exist?)2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?Where am I? In my own room? 0. An abandoned asylum? Probably a good 4. Deep in an unknown forest with lots of noises? 53. The person you would never want to meet?Trump. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue.4. What is your favorite word?I used the word Psychopharmacology alot today.5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?A weeping willow6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?I'm tired. Ugh I have to get ready. 7. What shirt are you wearing?A green v neck that has the X pattern thing across the chest.8. What do you label yourself as?Worthless9. Bright room or dark room?DARK ROOM get me the hell away from the light.10. What were you doing at midnight last night?Working on a project 11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?Anything from like 4-1012. Who told you they loved you last?Alex13. Your worst enemy?Nobody comes to mind of someone who actually truly hates me, @ me if you wanna be my enemy 14. What is your current desktop picture?A teal and black swirly pattern 15. Do you like someone?If my SO counts16. The last song you listened to?SHINEDOWN'S NEW SINGLE 'DEVIL' AND OOH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD AND I CANT WAIT FOR THE REST OF THE ALBUM17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?The person I never wanna meet probably.18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?Oh my god these are all the same question TRUMP I HATE TRUMP I NEVER WANT TO MEET HIM I WANT TO BLOW HIM UP AND PUNCH HIM. 19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?I have no idea who it would be but I would definitely make them write some essays and annotated bibliographies for me20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)I don't really have one, but I don't hate my lips. They have a nice shape for lipstick21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?I'd probably look like my dad and I'm playing with my dick all day. 22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?I don't even have a known talent much less a secret one 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?Driving terrifies me, and it somehow gets worse each time I do it. 24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.Waldorf chicken salad came to mind, with spinach and whole wheat bread. I'm boring 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?Like, one grocery trip. 26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?Honestly. Nowhere. I hate sudden plans. But to play along, I'll say Greece. 27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?"Even if you don't drink booze there's something you can figure out" what am I figuring out? I don't want any alcoholic beverages.28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? No hate/ prejudice/ discrimination 29. What is your favorite expletive?I say fuck alot.30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?Probably my computer, but something more meaningful is my childhood stuffed dog, Kipper.31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Oh baby I like this one. Does it have to be ONE memory? Like I want to erase the times I was in the car as a child with a drunk driver that made me terrified to drive, but it happened more than once, can I erase them all?32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!That wasn't really a question, but I get it. In actuality, probably Canada. It's not America but more similar than other places so I'm not culture shocked.33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?My Aunt Patricia 34. What was your last dream about?I can't remember, but I think school. Ugh35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?So I'm making the question? Am I a good anything? The answer is no regardless. 36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?Not since infancy 37. Have you ever built a snowman?Yes38. What is the color of your socks?Burgundy with little brown foxes39. What type of music do you like?Rock/alternative/metal40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?Sunsets. I only see sunrises because I'm sleep deprived 41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?Banana 42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)I can't name a single soccer team but I'm a Lions fan no matter what.43. Do you have any scars?Not really anymore, they have faded.44. What do you want to be when you graduate?Employed.45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?My anxiety 46. Are you reliable?Yes. Too much sometimes 47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?Am I ever okay? Am I ever happy? Am I ever a capable adult?48. Do you hold grudges?A little bit yeah. 49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?When I was in like 4th grade we had to do this and then draw it, and I made a Larkigator, a lion shark alligator 😂50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?Something with @x-i-a-t in a tent at 4 am, or just a way too personal conversation with @reddragon800051. Are you a good liar?Yes. Most of the time.52. How long could you go without talking?Weeks honestly. 53. What has been you worst haircut/style?I guess bangs, but I don't even think they looked that awful. I did however get chunky blonde highlights I did not like. 54. Have you ever baked your own cake?From scratch, no55. Can you do any accents other than your own?Well? No. 56. What do you like on your toast?Butter and apple jelly57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?I mean technically just little random doodles of shapes when I was bored in class.58. What would be you dream car?I joke about a model GT because that's my initials, but honestly one that will drive itself. 59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain?If no-one is home I will play music and dance, I don't usually sing just because I fear someone will come home and hear me lol. If there isn't music i talk to myself, either venting to nobody or just saying all the things I have to do when I get out 60. Do you believe in aliens?Yes 61. Do you often read your horoscope?Never 62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?The two most important people's names in my life begin with A. 63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?Shit. I want to say dragons but i think I'm gonna say dinosaurs just because they actually existed.64. What do you think about babies?Keep them away from me.65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.Am I procrastinating by answering these? Yes.

[sinrau]

UPDATE (7:46 p.m. PT) — In the early hours of July 15, after a night spent protesting at the Multnomah County Justice Center and Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse, Mark Pettibone and his friend Conner O’Shea decided to head home.

It had been a calm night compared to most protesting downtown. By 2 a.m. law enforcement hadn’t used any tear gas and, with only a few exceptions, both the Portland Police Bureau and federal law enforcement officers had stayed out of sight.

A block west of Chapman Square, Pettibone and O’Shea bumped into a group of people who warned them that people in camouflage were driving around the area in unmarked minivans grabbing people off the street.

“So that was terrifying to hear,” Pettibone said.

They had barely made it half a block when an unmarked minivan pulled up in front of them.

“I see guys in camo,” O’Shea said. “Four or five of them pop out, open the door and it was just like, ‘Oh shit. I don’t know who you are or what you want with us.’”

Federal law enforcement officers have been using unmarked vehicles to drive around downtown Portland and detain protesters since at least July 14. Personal accounts and multiple videos posted online show the officers driving up to people, detaining individuals with no explanation of why they are being arrested, and driving off.

The tactic appears to be another escalation in federal force deployed on Portland city streets, as federal officials and President Donald Trump have said they plan to “quell” nightly protests outside the federal courthouse and Multnomah County Justice Center that have lasted for more than six weeks.

Federal officers have charged at least 13 people with crimes related to the protests so far, while others have been arrested and released, including Pettibone. They also left one demonstrator hospitalized with skull fractures after shooting him in the face with so-called “less lethal” munitions July 11.

Officers from the U.S. Marshals Special Operations Group and Customs and Border Protection’s BORTAC, have been sent to Portland to protect federal property during the recent protests against racism and police brutality.

But interviews conducted by OPB show officers are also detaining people on Portland streets who aren’t near federal property, nor is it clear that all of the people being arrested have engaged in criminal activity. Demonstrators like O’Shea and Pettibone said they think they were targeted by federal officers for simply wearing black clothing in the area of the demonstration.

O’Shea said he ran when he saw people wearing camouflage jump out of an unmarked vehicle. He said he hid when a second unmarked van pursued him.

Video shot by O’Shea and provided to OPB shows a dark screen as O’Shea narrates the scene. Metadata from the video confirms the time and place of the protesters’ account.

“Feds are driving around, grabbing people off the streets,” O’Shea said on the video. “I didn’t do anything fucking wrong. I’m recording this. I had to let somebody know that this is what happens.”

Pettibone did not escape the federal officers.

“I am basically tossed into the van,” Pettibone said. “And I had my beanie pulled over my face so I couldn’t see and they held my hands over my head.”

Pettibone and O’Shea both said they couldn’t think of anything they might have done to end up targeted by law enforcement. They attend protests regularly but they said they aren’t “instigators.” They don’t spray paint buildings, shine laser pointers at officers or do anything else other than attend protests, which law enforcement have regularly deemed “unlawful assemblies.”

Blinded by his hat, in an unmarked minivan full of armed people dressed in camouflage and body armor who hadn’t identified themselves, Pettibone said he was driven around downtown before being unloaded inside a building. He wouldn’t learn until after his release that he had been inside the federal courthouse.

“It was basically a process of facing many walls and corners as they patted me down and took my picture and rummaged through my belongings,” Pettibone said. “One of them said, ‘This is a whole lot of nothing.’”

Pettibone said he was put into a cell. Soon after, two officers came in to read him his Miranda rights. They didn’t tell him why he was being arrested. He said they asked him if he wanted to waive his rights and answer some questions, but Pettibone declined and said he wanted a lawyer. The interview was terminated, and about 90 minutes later he was released. He said he did not receive any paperwork, citation or record of his arrest.

“I just happened to be wearing black on a sidewalk in downtown Portland at the time,” Pettibone said. “And that apparently is grounds for detaining me.”

In a statement, the U.S. Marshals Service declined to comment on the practice of using unmarked vehicles, but said their officers had not arrested Pettibone.

“All United States Marshals Service arrestees have public records of arrest documenting their charges. Our agency did not arrest or detain Mark James Pettibone.”

OPB sent DHS an extensive list of questions about Pettibone’s arrest including: What is the legal justification for making arrests away from federal property? What is the legal justification for searching people who are not participating in criminal activity? Why are federal officers using civilian vehicles and taking people away in them? Are the arrests federal officers make legal under the constitution? If so, how?

After 7 p.m. Thursday, a DHS spokesperson responded, on background, that they could confirm Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf was in Portland during the day. The spokesperson didn’t acknowledge the remaining questions.

“It’s like stop and frisk meets Guantanamo Bay,” said attorney Juan Chavez, director of the civil rights project at the Oregon Justice Resource Center.

Chavez has worked on litigation surrounding the weeks of protests and helped lead efforts to curb local police from using tear gas and munitions on protesters. He called the arrest by federal officers “terrifying.”

“You have laws regarding probable cause that can lead to arrests,” he said. “It sounds more like abduction. It sounds like they’re kidnapping people off the streets.”

Ashlee Albies, a civil rights attorney with the National Lawyers Guild, said Pettibone’s detention is an example of intimidation by federal law enforcement, and noted that people have a First Amendment right to demonstrate. She also said law enforcement officials have to follow procedures when they detain someone.

“I would be surprised to see that pulling up in an unmarked van, grabbing people off the street is an acceptable policy for a criminal investigation,” Albines said.

In a letter released Thursday, Wolf said, “Portland has been under siege for 47 straight days by a violent mob while local political leaders refuse to restore order to protect their city.”

“A federal courthouse is a symbol of justice,” Wolf wrote, denigrating protests against racism in the United States’ criminal justice system as an angry mob. “To attack it is to attack America.”

KOIN was first to report Thursday that Wolf was visiting Portland to view damage to the federal courthouse.

This week, Trump has repeatedly spoken out about what he calls lawlessness in the city. He praised the role of federal law enforcement officers in Portland and alluded to increasing their presence in cities nationwide. Speaking to Fox News on Thursday, Acting U.S. Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Mark Morgan called the protesters criminals.

“I don’t want to get ahead of the president and his announcement,” Morgan said, “but the Department of Justice is going to be involved in this, DHS is going to be involved in this; and we’re really going to take a stand across the board. And we’re going to do what needs to be done to protect the men and women of this country.”

Early Thursday morning, Portland police tried a new approach to stop the protests. Officers cleared Lownsdale and Chapman Squares, including Riot Ribs, a barbecue stand that had been cooking free food since July 4. The city said it was closing the parks for maintenance. By early afternoon, fences had been installed around both parks.

Police arrested nine people during the closure, including three of the people who ran Riot Ribs. They face a variety of charges, including trespassing and disorderly conduct.

Mayor Ted Wheeler’s office declined to offer comment on the latest events involving federal officers, but reiterated a statement from earlier in the week, saying federal officers should be restricted to guarding federal property.

“We do not need or want their help,” Wheeler said. “The best thing they can do is stay inside their building, or leave Portland altogether.”

Oregon Democratic Sen. Jeff Merkely said if Wolf is coming to inflame the situation in Portland so the President can “look tough,” the acting DHS leader should leave.

“Federal forces shot an unarmed protester in the face,” Merkely said in a tweet. “These shadowy forces have been escalating, not preventing, violence.”

Oregon Gov. Kate Brown similarly called for federal law enforcement officers to leave Portland. She added, Wolf is on a “mission to provoke confrontation for political purposes.”

“This political theater from President Trump has nothing to do with public safety,” Brown said in a statement. “The President is failing to lead this nation. Now he is deploying federal officers to patrol the streets of Portland in a blatant abuse of power by the federal government.”

Federal Law Enforcement Use Unmarked Vehicles To Grab Protesters Off Portland Streets #web #website #copied #toread #highlight #link #news #read #blog #wordpresspost #posts #breaking news# #Sinrau #Nothiah #Sinrau29 #read #wordpress

[onlineholly]

2017 wrapped

Hey Holly, it’s Holly. How are you? Did 2018 go ok? Or is everyone saying “2018 did me so bad omggg” like they do with every year? 

Here’s a little recap of every cool thing you did in 2017, just so you don’t forget, but mostly so you can feel nostalgic as you read this back later. 

In January, you went to the women’s march in Portland and wrote this here poem, because Trump was elected president. I know, crazy, remember that? After campaigning for Bernie in 2016 and attending one of his rallies, you had been filled with a glimmer of hope for the future of America, but this election was a gigantic step backwards. Like, 20 years backwards in progress. 

In February, I’d say the coolest thing you did was attend the Live Salted conference in Portland with Hayley, your old Young Life leader. You felt so connected to a group of people whom you had never met before, but they welcomed you in and loved you so well. Here, your faith began to bloom more in 2016. Continuing with the blooming of faith in February, you also attended a campaigners camp at Washington Family Ranch as well, where you felt at home somewhere, and like you had a place in Young Life. (Honorable mentions for February: Lilli’s birthday and, oh yeah, getting your license finally!!!!)

By March, your campaign with Cam for Junior Class Presidents was in full swing, as you had dragged him into running with you. I think he actually did like it through, I mean, he must have, because he decided to run with you again for ASB! (How does that turn out, by the way?) March was also the month that your student government journey began. Ms. Stone asked you to join Core Council in place of the social media coordinator, and I think it is safe to say that it really saved your high school career. Student government has made me into someone I never thought I’d be, but I enjoy being for every second. It’s crazy to think that in only a span of 10 months, student government has become your entire life.. like, it’s literally what you live for. Cookies were handed out and smiles were exchanged in your campaign, as march was filled with your very first leadership committees and initial Core Council meetings as well. (Honorable mentions: the Panic! at the Disco concert with Destiny–this was the second time you had seen them–and DRIVING ACROSS THE STATE BY YOURSELF OMG HOLLY WHAT WHERE YOU THINKNING?!! But really, spring break consisted of driving on the freeway by myself for the first time ever for 5 hours to see Grammy and Grandude in Fossil for a week. It was a wild trip that I think I learned a lot about myself in, and being alone with myself as well.)

By April, you had lost your election with Cam for class president, but it didn’t end your student government career or stop you from continuing on (obviously). Looking back on it, April was sort of a trivial month, with no real huge events in it, but smaller ones. Like running your first ever blood drive! (Little did you know that in this year you would run two more!) You also got into photography more, even with Grammy’s shitty old DSLR, you found out that you could potentially have talent in this, and people told you that you did.This new self confidence sparked a whole potencial career path and jump started your creativity again, as you were beginning to leave web design and computer science major ideas behind (spoiler: coding is easy, hosting websites is not, and the inner workings of the internet is too complicated). 

May was the beginning to a great summer, and just a taste of the fun that was to come. School nights were spent sitting by campfires with new friends in their backyards, tailgating at high school baseball games, and traveling to new outdoor adventures. You even saw blackbear for the second time at his own show, which was beyond amazing. Digital Druglord is one of your favorite albums of all time, and the performance did not disappoint (unlike cybersex, his newest album). 

June was the end of sophomore year, with a lot of bittersweetness, but an overall good ending. Somehow you made it through without failing chemistry and still being in NHS. You probably wouldn’t have though if it wasn’t for your high school counselor, Robbie, you owe him a lot. You got to help with prom and see the entire committee’s work come to fruiting on that night, and you were already thinkning of ways to make yours better for the next year. And of course, YOU GOT A JOB!! You got an interview with Jamba Juice sometime in March maybe, but they asked you to come in again in June and Nikki hired you on the spot. The summer was off on a good foot with a job at a juice bar. 

July was filled with independent Oregon adventures with you and your friends who could both drive! Having this new found sense o adult-ness and freedom opened many doors. In between shifts at Jamba, you and Elora drove to Newport in search of a great beach day (which was found), you, Lilli, Payton, Elora, and Destiny wandered down to Irish Bend to swim in the sun, and you and Adelaide traveled to the cabin and Sahalie Falls while capturing pretty cool pictures. July was the epitome of a 16 year old Oregonian’s summer. Your second blood drive in the summer went well too, and you even made 50 bucks from it! And of course, there was summer camp at WaFaRa again. This camp seemed to go on forever, and it was here that you realized your time for being a camper was probably over, and it was time to begin to lead-which you still have yet to do so hurry up Holly. This camp, as always, pushed your limits a little more and more each day. You go karted, did a roped course 100 feet in the air, and danced your butt off at club. After camp you went for a trip to Fossil for the second time this year, and saw the long awaited Painted Hills, which you will have to go back to one day. 

August was a summer winding down. The fair was an obligatory local teenager event, which turned out to be mediocre (shocking, I know), but made for some cute instagrams. You played glow in the dark capture the flag with Adelaide and friends, spray painted CHS’s rock with your new core council, and YOU GOT BANGS!! After contemplating many times, you just finally did it and said screw it. And they even turned out good! Oh, and the whole solar eclipse thing happened too. 

September was a peppy school spirited month, kicking off the 2017-2018 year with a spirit shirt you designed, home football games, deadly APUSH notes, homecoming week, and watching volleyball from the sidelines for the first time ever. (Turns out photographing your friends playing a sport they genuinely love is better than playing the sport as well, only pretending to love it.) Oh yeah, for yearbook, they gave you a kick ass camera that is absolutely amazing and finally lets you flex some photography skills and learn new stuff! And of course, all throughout this you were still desperately in love with C. 

October had tons of photoshoots and it was your month to thrive, libra! I think it was by now that you were seeing Dr. S and had a regular regime of prescriptions, which even though your mom was terrified of you taking three antidepressants and two mood stabilizers, it seemed to be working. You and Lilli planned a last minute concert trip in early October to see The Weeknd, and even though you were in the nosebleeds, a concert is a concert and it was a great experience. You and Adelaide had a fall beach trip this month, and you also did a stunning photoshoot with Kiara, Alyssa, and Alba which is still one of your favorites of all time. You went on many Shari’s dates with megan as well, and your new friendship began to grow here. And of course, you had your 17th birthday then too! Your party at the farm was stressful and less than eventful, but pretty ok. And at the end of October, you got what I am typing on now! A new Macbook, which was literally a dream come true thanks to your Nanna. 

November was the month of tournaments! First, dodgeball, then ping pong. Ping Pong basically consumed your whole life in November, even though you knew nothing about the sport. But in November, you also got to go to Seaside with Core Council for the OASC Leadership Conference! It was really a blast and a great bonding experience that was well worth it. There was also your third blood drive in November, which went moderately okay. 

And finally…, December. Now. You Christmas shopped your heart out and spent your paycheck on everyone else, but it was well worth it. As I am now writing this and reflecting on this year, I feel happy about it, really. This year kind of whizzed by, but what year doesn’t? You planned Winter Formal this month, finally got your school schedule together and dropped APUSH, laughed at Festivus and at Christmas Eve dinner with heidi, and enjoyed Christmas day with all three families (Dad, Mom, Wooley’s + etc.) 

Overall this year, you enjoyed a ton of music, watched a lot of movies (50 shades II, Dunkirk, Get Out, Baby Driver, Guardians of the Galaxy I and II, American Assassin, Cars 3, The Disaster Artist, Ladybird), and read quite a few books (The Book Thief, I’ll Give You the Sun, Milk and Honey, The Sun and Her Flowers,The Girls). So here’s to another year, another illusion of starting over. Here’s to you, future me. 

Love, past me of December 28th 2017

[acrossthemar]

Corona Diaries

2/14 - Fly to Arizona for Grand Canyon and Arielle Bach Party. People in airport are wearing masks. I make a comment to my mom about it, not understanding why people are wearing masks or wondering if they are sick.

3/2 - Patient Zero tests positive for COVID19 in New Rochelle. 

3/8 - Our Boss at Schoology tells us we can work from home if we feel more comfortable. We think she’s just being lazy and wants to work from home herself.

3/6 - Comedy show in NYC. Kristin doesn’t feel well and we worry she should stay home incase she has COVID19. We go to the comedy show. The comedian makes jokes about COVID19, we laugh.

3/8 - Eric’s School closes School for the following week. I make a comment to him that that’s overkill and a “private school privilege”. All other schools will eventually close of course. 

3/11 - Mom flies to Madrid.

3/12 - National Pandemic Announced & Trump Announces Travel Ban between US/Europe. Cuomo declares State of Emergency in New York.

3/13 - Mom flies home from Madrid to NY after Mara books back up flight for Mom from Madrid to London. Mom spent $1400 to spend not even a full day in Madrid, goes back to the airport with thousands of panicked Americans, gets off stand by and comes home. Mara comes over to greet mom and give her some food, flowers, and company. 

3/14 - Mara works remotely indefinitely, office shuts down until at least April 7th. Mara and Eric do the NYT crossword, hike the Masters trails with Winnie, and Mara and Eric go to Japanese Restaurant with Susan, Jeff, and Matt. Restaurants will soon close. Earlier in the day Mara goes to Larchmont to check in on mom, goes for a walk with mom and Winnie, and meets up with Kristin, Kevin, and Zoey at Central School. 

3/15 - Mara goes to Larchmont and goes to Manor park with Shanni, Maddy, Liana, and Nicole and Nicole’s dog Remy. 

3/16 - Mara works from home. Luckily Peloton bike was delivered last week just before the store closures began. At this point all Spin Studios and Gyms shut down. Mara and Eric cook butternut squash risotto and parmesan asparagus. De Blasio announces that NYC Public Schools are closed. Meals will be served at food centers.

3/17 - Eric and Mara are watching Sex Education. Mara Eric and Susan go on trail hike with Winnie.  

3/18 - Mara Hallie Eric Winnie trail walk with Winnie. Mara Zoom date with high school friends. 

3/19 - Zoom date with MK, Jana, Jason. 

3/20 - Mom comes over for trail walk with Winnie and we cook the Shrimp Pasta dish with brussel sprouts.

3/21 - Peloton bike, talked to Elise on the phone, walked to tennis courts to play tennis with Eric’s family. The Masters courts are shut down due to Corona. Dinner at Eric’s family’s house. We sat at the dining room table to spread out. Mara played Ping Pong with Matt.

3/22 - Mara ran 3 miles, used Peloton, went to Larchmont to work on Obama NYT puzzle with mom.

3/23 - Monday, Peloton, worked from home, played SET with Eric, cooked a big salad. 

3/24 - Run, work, tennis with Jodi, visited mom, Video session with Aubrey, Elise, Kelly

3/25 - Peloton, work from home, went on walk to store, no one was there and everyone in masks. Order in sushi. Video date with MHS friends. We started a CS team fitness challenge today since no one is moving since only home! 

3/26 - Didn’t sleep because reading too much news and it’s so sad. US now has more cases than any other country (82k), NY has 37k cases, and the news is really grim. Had my virtual performance review and got a 3% raise, went on a 7 mile run but tripped on a rock and got hurt, played tennis with Jodi, then went to my mom’s and cooked dinner. I feel scared every time I go to my mom’s house in fear that I’m bringing the virus into her home. A lot of my mom’s coworkers have tested positive for COVID-19. Deccico’s is doing a great job with their grocery store (limiting number of people in store, making people wait outside 6 feet apart, mandated gloves, sanitizing shopping carts, glass wall at check out. Stop and shop is not doing much and so people haven’t been going. Trader Joes NYC closed because too many employees tested positive. Everyone is panicked and at this point it is hard to imagine life going back to normal. Even if legally it goes back to normal, everyone is absolutely terrified of other humans. Everything about this is unprecedented and unimaginable. Trump is a moron. It hurts to think about how much better handled this might have been with Obama. The 2020 Presidential Election is essentially at a standstill, no one going to primary elections, very curious what will happen, will we even be able to vote in November? Bernie and Biden left, Biden in the lead, but Biden is hardly speaking up about Covid-19. It’s been fulfilling to work at Schoology during this time as we are making a real difference in virtual learning and our school districts are eternally grateful. Side note––Amazon is hardly even running! They’ve cut down on their hours and employees, and the average wait on PRIME is 30 days!!! I am going to sleep at my mom’s tonight.

3/27 - Ended up sleeping at my mom’s on Thursday night. Took a work meeting from my mom’s then went back home. First dropped off my right AirPod at a FedEx drop off but you had to touch the box. Tried to do a Peloton class at home but Winnie got into my medicine bag and we found her with an empty laxative and ambien pill container. We took her to emergency vet and had them induce vomiting. We were terrified we killed her. Turns out she didn’t eat any pills and we ended up finding all of the pills when we got back from vet. Poor Winnie. Silly $300 at vet. Pet insurance is dumb because it has such a high deductible. I then went on a walk with Winnie because it was 64 degrees out. Eric and I cooked a fancy meatloaf for dinner and finished Sex Education.  I made a lovely cocktail. 

3/28 - Weekends don’t feel all that different from weekdays. Trump is discussing a mandatory quarantine on all New York residents since there are now 45,000 confirmed cases (many more unconfirmed). Reading the news is scary and I have been trying to limit it at night because it gives me insomnia and anxiety. Most of my friends aren’t seeing their parents at all. It’s gross out today. I did a few Peloton classes and started Little Fires Everywhere. It was a book turned into a movie but because movies are closed they released it as a TV series on Hulu. Just stepped out of the house for the first time today to take Winnie on a short walk. My team at Schoology is doing a fitness challenge to get some steps in because it’s HARD to find reasons to move! We were going to go to the Shear’s for dinner tonight but Susan had a headache this morning so to be safe we aren’t going. This is the crazy world we are currently living in. I’ve been mostly only wearing sports bras not real bras. We have not been able to locate lysol wipes in weeks. Note to self, I’d like to add some photos here because this really is all so unprecedented and it’s hard to put into words the craziness. 

3/29 - Working out every day but gaining weight. Watched Little Fires Everywhere - LOVE it. Gross day out. Peloton inside. Zoom Call with Kristin, Oliver, Parker, Mom. Went on a walk around the apartment. Weekends are worse than week days because no work to do. 

3/30 - Work is crazy because Schoology crashed since too many people on the platform. Did lots of Peloton Spin. Amanda moved her wedding to 2021. We are very worried about ours. I haven’t been sleeping. Went to visit mom with Winnie in afternoon for a walk. Passed neighbor Kelly but we couldn’t let her pet Winnie because not supposed to have other people pet your dog. We had a meeting with the Rabbi for our wedding. She is hopeful for July because she can’t stand the thought of not being able to send her kids to sleep-away camp haha. Started this dumb show Tiger King, everyone is watching it. About a man who keeps tigers in his house.

3/31 - Schoology crashed again. Too many users. Work has been busy but fulfilling though because we are so important right now, been nice to connect with my clients. It’s been hard working full days though I take breaks to work out and to do chores so I’m a bit all over the place. Went to the post office today to return a dress for my mom because I won’t let her go, all stood 6 feet apart and I feel scared to breathe in public now. It’s so bad in NY and the Daily Podcast is scaring me. 

4/1 - Work has been stressful because of the Schoology outages because everyone is doing school on Schoology now. Went to Deccico’s at lunch to do a big grocery shopping (we are trying to limit grocery store to once max twice per week since it’s unsafe to go). I wore a t-shirt as a bandana to cover my mouth, tried to keep sunglasses on, and wore a glove on my right hand (left hand was for my phone to see the shopping list). The line was wrapped around the entire corner and I ended up waiting 45 minutes. You have to be really careful to stand at least 6 feet behind the person in front of you. It was a bit overwhelming because we had such a long shopping list (also doing groceries for my mom), and they were out of a lot. I couldn’t find bread, orange juice, turkey, etc. Also have not seen lysol wipes in weeks. Unfortunately. I ended up being gone for an hour and a half and couldn’t even finish the shopping. Went to Stop & Shop after to finish the list. No one is going to Stop & Shop because they aren’t doing as good of a job with cleanliness protocol so it’s far less crowded. Under isolation I am 1) becoming a chef with Eric, we are cooking so much! 2) working out a lot and incorporating more floor workouts and strength training 3) drinking almost daily… 4) eating A LOT!!!!! Getting fit + gaining weight at the same time. Today was Greg Lesser’s birthday, so we had socially distant drinks on our lawn, I have a funny picture of all of us sitting that I’ll post above. During the happy hour, Caitlin Casey wanted to use our bathroom so she stepped inside, we deliberated if it was okay. I was too close to the door when she opened it and she alarmingly stepped back, no one gets that close anymore. Winnie turned 9 months today. A few other notes: our Election Primary has been moved to end of June. I will have to likely cancel my bachelorette party. Schoology already closed our office through April 30, with optional WFH through May 31st. I interviewed Hong Kong American School tonight, as they’ve been remote for months. They almost went back to school but when folks came back to China they brought COVID19 with them so now they are back to isolation. 

4/6 - We decided to stop going over to Eric’s family’s house because it’s making us anxious and there are four of them and Eric’s mom is still going to the hospital. I got an actual mask and have started wearing it to the store and I feel a lot more safe. It was a beautiful day today, 62 and sunny. I went to my mom’s house and worked from her patio. Then I went on a distanced walk with Winnie and Shanni and then Winnie and Caroline. I’m getting used to working fully remote, I can’t even imagine commuting in at this point.

4/7 - Here are a few things I’m grateful for during this time. Eric, a supportive and loving partner. We get along so well and find a great balance between hanging out together and being independent, so we haven’t been sick of each other at all. Our spacious apartment and easy access to green space and outdoors and running paths. Winnie, truly the love of our life, she is just a saint and we can’t imagine life without her. And the fact that we have a “home gym” ie Peloton, exercise mat, and weights. These four things make this experience far more manageable. And of course the fact that we are both still employed and that our families are still healthy.

4/11 - Went on a walk with friends in LeatherStocking Trail in Larchmont. Was a bit crowded and narrow which wasn’t good. We ran into a random boy from our high school who immediately picked up Winnie. (We aren’t letting people pet Winnie due to Corona but I didn’t act quick enough to stop it). Anyway, turns out his brother who he LIVES with has Corona. Which means he probably has it too. And he was out on a walk not social distancing and PET MY DOG!!! I was absolutely livid. 

4/15 - Cuomo requires all people wear masks in public in NYC. Cuomo says likely that there will be no large gatherings through the summer. Very sad about the wedding. Colleges are making online learning plans for the fall just incase.

4/28 - Silver lining of quarantine: I get to hear Eric’s work, not just his teaching but his deanship how eloquently and professionally he handles parent conversations, managing faculty that’s older than he is, and student situations. He is currently leading a parent forum book discussion on the book White Fragility on race and whiteness