#and I spend hours on this site tho so it feels worth it

[deepspacethroat]

.

[lowkeyrobin]

Hellooo, I was wondering if you could do MCYT with an S/O who has ADHD? (Mostly hyperfixates on horror games, etc.) I personally have a bad habit of walking around till my legs are sore (my leg has been sore for the past three days please help I can't get rid of this energy ahh-) and how MCYT would react to that/stop Y/N from. Doing that lol

HELP THIS IS SO REAL BAHAHHAHABA ; thank you for the request 🫶🫶 ; sorry if anything seems a little wrong, I'm kinda looking into if I have adhd but obv idk and I'm not diagnosing myself, but I obviously am not diagnosed so I don't know the full ins and outs and I know it's a spectrum, so uh yeah 👍 hopefully I did good lol

MCYT ; ADHD shenanigans

includes ; tommyinnit, tubbo, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu & quackity

warnings ; language

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

he'll walk into your stream, sit down, look at your screen, then blankly stare at you when he realizes what you're playing

"Dude. are you streaming FNAF again?"

you nod with a smile "yupppp"

he spends the rest of your stream talking to chat and trying to scare you more

you're just talking about the lore and shit and he's loosely hanging onto it LMAO

if you're just like pacing around the house he'll look up at you like "bro you okay?"

will genuinely join in as well, he's always got the energy

he doesn't mean to enable like hurting yourself to a point, but once he realizes he is kind of enabling it he'll immediately stop

"sit down, here, skip leg day for once, focus on those noodle arms of yours"

"says you! the fuck?"

TUBBO

he'll walk into your bedroom for the first time in like a month and just see posters and little trinkets and merch of your new fixation and be like "christ, man"

"I'm a little hyperfixated"

"I see that. also considering the 150 hours worth of streams you've put into FNAF, yeah..."

he gets you a vr headset and buys you the fnaf vr games.

he doesn't understand how you have so much energy but it's whatever

"dude, sit down, your legs are gonna fall off, you've been pacing for like three hours! drink some water at least"

"tubbo, I can't! I have too much energy and I can't get rid of it"

that commences three hours of wrestling in the living room 💀🙏

RANBOO

let's you rant about your fixations and the lore and whatnot

I mean they won't deny that the Blair Witch Project video game is really good

they even buy you posters of the Blair Witch Project movie and video game (we don't talk about the movies after the first...)

even gets you merch off the official game site too (if that exists? I'm not sure istg there was merch tho)

they start to get a little fixated on it too considering they love hearing about the lore and theories from you and stuff

they even play it on stream and dedicate it to you

"thanks for the content y/n"

when you're running through the house, he'll race with you for a while before finding some other ways for you to release energy without making yourself sore

at one point he just gives you coffee that way you'll crash and burn after a few hours

I mean at least you don't feel like your legs are about to pop off your body

FREDDIE BADLINU

invested in the resident evil lore because of you

"I saw this and thought of you" AND ITS A LEON KENNEDY EDIT LMFAOOO

I mean yeah

loves hearing you rant about the games and everything, he could listen to you talk for hours

when you're all strung up on energy he also enables it without realizing at first

when he can tell it's more than just being energetic he'll help you find ways to calm down

if need be, he'll read to you, instant sleep I swear

or when he starts talking you'll be fully invested in his words

"yknow, Google listed among us as a horror game and I really cannot-"

NIKI NIHACHU

the amount of dead by daylight merch and the amount of money that you've spent on it is kinda concerning

but she loves listening to you rant about how the kill animations are so awesome and about new maps and characters and dlcs

I mean it's your current fixation, of course she'd listen to every single word you'd have to say

she even plays with you on stream a lot as well

when you're strung up on energy, she'll take you out for a run, you're like a dog on a leash though because she's not trying to lose you

"niki, come on! I wanna see the water snakes!"

"I'm coming, I can't sprint like you do, darling!"

QUACKITY

"of all the games, why is five nights at freddy's the one you're fixated on?"

he loves hearing you rant and explain lore and theories to him tho

genuine love language

he'll even play it on stream with you

"and the purple guy basically killed all the kids, and the kids basically scared him into the springlock suit and it literally killed him so he possesses that suit now-"

he'll just joke about the amount of energy you have

like Ranboo, will serve you coffee so you can crash and burn considering you end up begging him to help you

[lskisms]

friend zone (love zone), s. adamu

syn. carmy stands syd up. you come to the rescue. and so does syd.

gen. romance.

warnings. lapslock intended, sapphic realness.

word count. 0.5k.

note. title from friend zone by ab6ix. prompt taken from this list. please feel free to send in a number + a character from any of the fandoms i write for. you'll get a cute little drabble out of it.

[2:34 pm] syd: do you want to try a bunch of different places with me?

sydney’s text is unexpected, but never, ever unwelcome. you pick it up and read it over, glad for a distraction from the paper you’re currently working on for your shakespeare class (it’s not due for another three weeks, but you want to be done with it sooner rather than later). you’ve been slaving away for hours and your fingers are starting to foreign to yourself after spending so long typing away on your laptop.

[2:35 pm] sure, i need a break from this paper.

[2:35 pm] is there any reason you’re restaurant hopping tho?

your friend’s reply comes a few seconds later.

[2:35 pm] syd: carmy and i have been working on the chaos menu today

[2:35 pm] syd: we were going to cleanse our palettes and get some ideas, but he bailed.

[2:36 pm] syd: i don’t really want to be sitting at these restaurants alone, so you in?

you smile to yourself, closing your laptop and standing up. after you stretch your arms and legs, roll your shoulders back to release tension from your spine, you type back a quick reply, telling her that you’re definitely in. you get dressed in what you think is your cutest cold weather outfit and check yourself in your mirror.

[2:38 pm] syd: okay, cool. meet you in front of kasama.

not even twenty minutes later, you see her leaning against the black brick facade, scrolling through her phone and looking moderately annoyed, no doubt at carmen for bailing. when she hears you approaching, though, she looks up and smiles, waving, which you return. the second you reach her, she kneels down and you look at her, confused.

“sorry. just… your shoelaces are untied. um… i didn’t think you noticed, so… you know… i’m tying them for you,” she says, not even looking up as she brushes off the question she knew was brewing. her fingers move quick and nimble, double knotting your converse without a word, strangely intimate in a way that tying shoelaces shouldn’t be but is because it’s her. the smile she wears when she stands back up is a little shy.

“um… thanks, syd,” you reply, tucking some hair behind your ear.

she nods, looks away, looks back at you. there’s a little tension, but it immediately dissipates when she gets back to the reason for you being here.

“so! like i said, carm and i were going to cleanse our palettes, look for some inspiration for the restaurant, but… yeah, he bailed out on me the second i got here, so…”

carmen, from all the interactions you’ve shared with him (few and far between), is a nice guy, for what it’s worth, if not a little spacy and rough around the edges. you like him well enough, but you can’t help but feel a little annoyed that he left your friend out to dry like this. still, it’s given you an opportunity to spend more time with her.

“well, i don’t know much about food, so…”

“you’re good company and i could use an outsider’s perspective.” syd smiles at you and nods towards the entrance to kasama.

you let her lead the way.

© lskisms 2023. do not translate, copy, or repost my work on any site.

[thedeviljudges]

as someone who commuted to different workplaces ranging from 15 minutes to 2 hours... less than half an hour, if you live in a bigger city, is big luck. that said, full time + 40 min commuting is not easy. i would consider moving if the first few months go well, if your area has many offices you can be picky. giving you a different description of the job is imo a red flag tho

yeah like im about 25 min from my current work, but it can still take me 30-35 min bc of traffic, longer if i don't pay to take the express lanes (which i normally do).

traveling to downtown is absolutely going to be an 1hr+ commute, and i understand that people do it bc of money, and part of me feels stupid for thinking that's a big deal and should suck it up, but i literally do not want to jump ship for one job to be miserable in another. i do want to move eventually, except my lease isn't up until july and spending 6 months commuting like that already sounds terrible. so it's partially a timing thing, too.

and my city is a big PR industry. it's not really an issue to find somewhere else to apply esp bc many are national/global and you can always get something remote and work at a location not near you so tbqh, i have options. it's just... waiting for job listings to open up and crossing my fingers they actually view my application bc it can be difficult to get in to bigger agencies - and you want bigger agency in order to get health care, PTO, good pay, etc. small to mid, like where i'm at now, don't offer those things.

and they didn't give me a different job description, per se. the recruiter didn't have all of the details for this role just yet, but any PR role is pretty much the same, and i had already applied to one with them that was similar, except that one had an offer already put out by the time i submitted my app (as per the recruiter telling me).

and on all of the job descriptions, it says hybrid, so i assumed it wouldn't be completely in office bc like 99% of their positions are hybrid, some fully remote (and the role i'm interviewing for hadn't even been listed yet on their site). i did the second interview and the woman that i could've potentially been working alongside, she def wasn't in the office. she also didn't have all the job specifications in terms of who i'd be answering to bc she wasn't the higher up but went into detail about the client i'd be assigned.

it wasn't until this last round with the VP - who generally knows how more about the role and what they're looking for bc they are the highest level person on a PR account - that asked if i was currently in office, explained how the agency typically does hybrid or full remote, but this specific position would be in office.

so i don't fault them completely. i think they hadn't given the recruiter full details (it seems they are trying to fill this position quickly bc it's a company def worth millions and absolutely needs the help), and i was interviewing with the higher chain people later on, so those below wouldn't have known the full specifications either. i think it was just lack of communication - and that's more of me trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

regardless, it's still disappointing and the more i think about it, the more i really do not want to commute like that. the position wouldn't be an issue if i could move sooner, but it really is bad timing. :/

[possession1981]

aleks!! it’s your borfday !!! happy happy happy birthday ♡〜٩( ᐢ⸝⸝› ‹⸝⸝ᐢ)۶〜♡ I hope your day has been wonderful and you got a little smth nice for yourself whatever it may be because you deserve it !! I also hope Jacob is taking you on a date or else it’s ass whopping time anyway ! I am here to present you with a couple things so ahem

to our one and only belovedest Aleks goes the 🏆 best cc on tumblr award 🏆 need I say more? I think a lot of ppl would agree with me here, you never cease to amaze with your creations, I remember when you followed me back it felt kinda crazy cause your stuff is on such a different level you can make anything and everything look so beautiful and nice and polished. truly insane. mind blowing. award deserving. I could spend hours looking at your work ♡

ofc the 🏆 best fashion mutual 🏆 also goes out to thee, I’ve already told you this but you have. The Vision. you Know. you Understand. I always love to hear your takes on ppl’s outfits srsly I live for your fashion reviews and insight, I mean you are after all a fashion icon in your own right so it only makes sense

I also have to bestow you Thee Official Taemin Mutual🏅title, I mean not that you weren’t already just personally I cannot listen to a Taemin song now without having a little thought for you, hoping that you are well wherever you are, the two of you are indivisible in my brain literally if I ever meet Taemin I feel like all I would wanna say to him would be like “my friend is your biggest fan !” yk

and finally the🏅coolest mutual award🎖️ I mean just. overall. idk how else to put it, you’re so cool and fun and nice and the best ? my tumblr experience wouldn’t be worth half of what it is if it wasn’t for you, it probably doesn’t seem like much being on tumblr but you have such a positive impact on this site I hope you know that, thank you for being here and being yourself ♡

sorry for the very long message x_x sending big love on your special day!^^ I’ll see you later when me and the guys bring you your cake in your room and sing you hbd, please try to act surprised :0 also don’t tell jongin i told you but the rover announcement was an early bday present for you shhh~ ily ❤️

first of all neo i am sorry for leaving this for like 4 hours i was trying to think of ways to adequately respond because actually i don't think u know this but like genuinely thoroughly forreal you are one of the most important people on this website to me and i'm still always like wow <3333333333 neo interacted with me <333333333 neo liked my gifs 👉🏻👈🏻 and so on and so forth.... but i have now returned from my date so u don't have to be beating anyone up babes altho i appreciate the sentiment <3 i will make sure to act surprised when u show up w the cake tho i promise

now to accept these awards that i do not feel like i am worthy of but i will accept anyways because i love u so much and value ur opinion so highly i would like to say that one of the greatest ccs on the entire platform awarding my content feels like a fever dream, and your judgment of my coolness means everything to me actually like. kissing u. <3333 and i hope u know that as much as u think of me when u listen to taemin i think of u when i listen to baekhyun (AND miss suzy!!!!!!) or probably even more in fact. now when it comes to the fashion awards i can only humbly accept and say that i think it's CRIMINAL that we don't have our own fashion evaluation show to rival johnny's yet. we deserve it we are the ones who get it.

i will be thinking of this message for ages to come btw hope u know this..... ily ily ily 💞💕🍒

[vanillatalc]

£today -

1. feeling quite burnt out. i haven’t got too much work to do really but ive got some, and it’s even having that some that im just like “ugh” about. i just dont wanna do any work. i want to just recover from the last few months and build up my mental resilience again rather than having to spend my time making money. but ... well, i cant. :| i spent a decent amount of time sorting alpaca yesterday so i have about 15 wigs worth of hair to use, which is about £1000 of profit, so im ok once i actually make them. im finishing up a couple of commissions as well tho which is boring and tiresome. i hate how all my like “time off” so to speak (bc ive actually taken very little time off at all) is taken up by trying to not be insane, and worrying about how im not making any money, and then as soon as im like back to being more able to work than not, i have to just immediately go back to work + there’s no actual time for healing or anything like that. like i was even working in the insanity airbnb, there is just no time for me to try and come to terms w/ how bad the past few months have been + to try and move on from them

i also emailed my main alpaca distributor last week and as usual she just has not fucking replied to me ????????? like it’s so FUCKING ANNOYING! i WANT TO BUY YOUR STUFF? gonna have to send ANOTHER followup email today, which i hate doing bc it seems so aggressive, but i need the alpaca FOR MY JOB

ive also been doing a lot of work on [site i work for] bc they’re redistributing payments in march and i have no idea whether ill be rehired or not. they’ve been v transparent about it and if they let me (or anyone) go it’s not bc ive done a bad job, it’s just that other people also want a shot at payment and logically i totally get that, anyone can do the work if they’re trained, and im not the only person who deserves a shot at it.

on a petty (?) note tho i do feel like no longer paying their one paid woman (on a team of 100+ there are two active women - the other two quit and one of THOSE  now refuses to have anything to do w/ [the sphere] politics at all bc of how distressing she finds it -  and the only one who is paid is me) is a pretty shitty way to go about increasing diversity and inclusion in the team - which they all say they want to do - like if they stop paying me im absolutely gonna have to take a step back, not bc of any resentment or bad feeling, but bc im not being paid anymore and i wont have time to fuck about for hours on the site to help out anymore. like ill basically be gone focussing on my actual business. and that seems a real shame to me. but i know my priorities, and obviously the fact i dont want to stop getting paid, are not necessarily the same as the priorities of the hiring team (all of whom i know and like fairly well, ftr, but yea, idk)

2. i have both family therapy AND the intro session w/ the new personal therapist on the first LMFAO bro im gonna be like... :| the whole day

im nervous about the intro session w/ potential new therapist, bc whilst the first one is free, after that each session costs £50 which is such a fucking large amount of money to spend every week. like such a lot. my parents have offered to help w/ it tho and ill take them up on it for sure bc my mum definitely owes me fucking reparations anyway

3. i feel generally a bit gloomy today but i think a large portion of that is probably bc period is due any day. i dont think it’s a harbinger of further doom. hopefully

[loki-the-trikster-god]

greetings friend! i watched ur play! well only half of it so far, bc u know executive dysfunction and low attention span and all, but i really like it so far! of course i spend most of the time either thinking: “where’s loki?” or “omg hi loki” (also ur like really pretty btw, i really like your voice).

and the acting! it’s excellent honestly everything is so amazing. my only criticism is that you need more scenes.

it’s so cool how u guys were able to do this even with masks on, it was a bit hard to hear but other than that it worked fabulously.

i would have sent this after i finished watching the whole play but we are leaving to go to the cottage tomorrow so i don’t know how much time i’ll be able to spend on tumblr.

why are you doing SCHOOL in SUMMER? that’s just cruel honestly. hope ur surviving.

side note- guess what cecil? i graduated elementary school! i feel so small compared to everyone else on this site when i say that, but i mean, i didn’t fail my exams so yay, done with that school, woohoo.

in person grad was way weirder than i thought it would be, but everyone was so pretty so it’s cool (i would send u a picture of me bc i look absolutely fabulous but my mom would probably murder me if i did).

ahahaha dw amigo it’s all good. i love u too :)

oooh yes u should come visit me lol. airports are excellent.

chris colfer is awesome. that’s so cool! you really are quite good at theatre, i hope you continue to stay in the theatre world, bc ur really amazing

oh yeah i already commented on ur play ehehe :) in case you didn’t get the message though m, it’s VERY GOOD AND U ARE AN EXCELLENT ACTOR

(you are the best person there tho)

ugh growing up is the worst. being an adult sounds like more effort than i’m willing to put into anything except for this stupid puzzle i’ve been doing for the last four hours that isn’t even half done.

life is tough, i don’t know why people have to choose what they want to do at so young an age. my advice, though it is probably crappy, is to envision yourself in different scenarios and choose which one you see yourself being the happiest in.

i think college will be so fun! so many opportunities! and people even though i hate them (well except for a few of them, you included) they are cool i guess. i can’t imagine you being alone, even if you start that way, you are definitely one of those people that others can’t help but gravitate towards. and i’ll always be here for u.

therapy good, therapy good. as long as ur good friend

time is overrated. we should just do nothing all day and have it go on forever, screw time.

gods i’m tiRED ugh my dreams have been so cRazy this last few weeks and this week they’ve been so dark like i keep dying i think my brain wants me out of it

so, yknow, sleep is for the weak and we should just stay up till ungodly hours doing nothing like the strong people we are

*hugs u* i love u amigo. i wish you everything good this world has to offer. don’t even worry about how long it takes, because when i get your response it’s always worth the wait. i will check up on you if it’s been a while, mostly to make sure you’re still alive and ok :) of course amigo, love u.

lol totally legal, i bet. i nEeD to watch it, but i do think i’ll listen to the soundtrack about a kajillion times before it becomes available on amazon prime (i don’t have the motivation to watch things illegally, but they took sherlock off netflix, so we’ll see about that).

i watched the trailer though, and it looks aMazingg i can’t wait. it’s funny, i’m listening to the hamilton soundtrack rn.

ahahaha once again it’s completely legal. *narrows eyes* hmmmmmmm. but yEs i watched it it’s so amazing i love both that loki and my loki with my entire heart.

and the gEnder eNvy is seriously concerning *launches headfirst into another gender crisis, fucking hate these*, but absolutely. loki is an absolute icon. and they finally made him bi? like jeez marvel, took you long enough, but we’re still really happy about it

oh ok phew. was getting a bit concerned about ur criminal record there amigo. well concerned and amused, because i can’t imagine you hurting anything. like i had said before, you act untouchable but are so sweet and fuzzy on the inside i would like to hug u (hope that doesn’t come across as weird or anything)

:))) ahaha yes, typing thoughts as if it was an actual live conversation rather than the letter sort of thing we have going on here

i do think this has a nice aura of mystery and dramatics surrounding it that i really like, hope you do too.

oh ok i will watch the rest of it soon so u don’t get in trouble, will let u know :)

FAREWELL BEAUTIFUL LOKI UNTIL NEXT TIME AMIGO :)))

o jeez that was kinda long sorry bro

HI BITCH GUESS WHAT IM GETTING MY HAIR DYED IMMA BE JUPITER BABEYYYYYYY

sorry it’s been a million years im a loser idk what to say lmao

Anyways let’s talk to my friend :DDD I’m rewarding myself for almost finishing my class (one week left!!!) by talking to my dude clyde!!!! I’ve been looking forward to it

*faints from praise* THANK YOU that’s so sweet,,,, right now I think I’m prettty but it comes and goes,,,, anyways I’m so glad u enjoyed bits of it and I totally relate man I’ve never finished anything in my life lmaooooo

My little friend I am so proud of you!!!!! You’re a high schooler!!!!! A big kid!!!!!!! Go you!!!!!! You’re absolutely going to have a completely iconic high school experience I will make it so!!!!!!! Your bestie (who is a JUNIOR wtf and 3 months from being 17????) has always got your back even if his dumbass cant answer a letter ever :/// also don’t let ur mom kill u I can imagine<3

Dudeeeee the flatteryyyyy,,, I’m decent at acting in my own opinion, and it’s really nice to hear that you like it!!! I’m thinking of doing some directing this year to try it out cause I do have good design/concept ideas,,, Idk I’m messing around. As I should.

Omg I love puzzles I have this one friend (that’s in the hospital now :///) and the two of us could do a 1000 piece in like half an hour. Their brain is s o good at patterns and I’m decent so it’s godlike lmao. Adulting is lame but it’ll also be fun as long as I’m not alone. We’ll see. Also, that thing u said about me being someone people gravitate towards is really sweet and I appreciate it.

Ugh sleeping is lame yeah. I’ve had some whack dreams lately too, although you probably said that a while ago lmao.

Ok wait I’ve just had a thought. So part of the reason it takes me 10000000 years to answer is because it’s a big chunk of text which is good cause friend talk but u know brains so. I wonder if it isn’t too much trouble to you you could break them up? Like spam me with like seven short asks with the paragraphs? That way it’d be easier for me to answer them I think,,, but only if that’s chill with you, i can also keep doing this and I’ll be better at it during school too. Anyways yeah.

Ok so: have you seen the whole loki show? I’ve got thoughts. Some are bitchy and critical and some are positive cause it was very fun. I stan loki honestly. I mean it’s me but,,,, hehe. And of all the things I could complain about,,,, honestly sylvie and loki isn’t one? I just don’t care. They’re bi, I personally need some more m/f bi rep and like. Yeah. Anyways.

Lmao yeah if I’ve committed a crime I’m sure it’s just piracy or some shit against capitalism. Stealing is ok and in fact encouraged<3 funny, for someone who likes crime shows as much as I do I really don’t care for the law in general. But I wouldn’t hurt someone I’m just a lil friemd who happens to be somewhat confident and derisive and somewhat pompous but anyways,,,, hehe

Honestly I love the vibes we have going yeah it’s super exciting I feel like one of us (not sure which) is some sort of companion ghost that we rant to in public and confuse other people with and it’s iconic of us.

MY HAIR IS REDDDD it’s so cool I’ll give u a pic as soon as it’s trimmed :DDDD

Ok I think that’s most of the stuff we were talking about also!!! Before u go look at her<3

Alright bye for now dude!!!!! Absolutely lovely to write to you!!! I love u much!!!!!!!!!

[toumeya]

i recently realised im addicted to social media so im trying to give it up completely, hopefully to the point where i can go like a whole month without having any impulse to go on it so yeah tho will probs still post art when i make it

social media really completely fucked up my perception of the world and people and society ... its so essential to live in the real world bc this place is like some bizzaro unkind abyss 

i was spending hours mindlessly scrolling and losing massive chunks of time to doing nothing especially reels was the absolute pits.. i managed to go without any for 2 days and the way i used the internet really changed into something like active and old web in a nice way...

if anyone reading this can relate i really really urge you to try giving up socials for even a few days... its so easy to feel like oh but im missing stuff that could be so inspirational and cool but as soon as i came back i was like no this is actually not good lol... is 10 hours of shit worth 10 minutes of cool image when you can find inspiration in other ways or idk spend less time on and see the good stuff and then go

im starting to read in my downtime or if im on the internet im like researching something im interested in and finding sites that way, trying to reclaim my free time to hobbies rather than scroll

[creativeskullcreations]

Outside chapter 3: Food?

Third chapter is out! Not much to say about this one, expect that we finish up the day with some delicious Chinese takeout! Nothing heavy going on in here! Nope! Not at all!

When Stacy felt Scout was sufficiently distracted, she pulled her laptop out of her bag. 'Let's see, what was the group that guy was a part of? Vox I think...' She searched the group on Google, and found them almost immediately. She clicked the link to their website, and was struck by how professional it looked.

'So these guys are paranormal investigators...' From what the site said, they were a professional team that specialized in locating and researching. Specifically, they went after the newer, modern activity, like the Waygetter toys, or cursed animatronics.

'Where were you guys when I was a kid?' She shook her head. 'Focus, Stacy! Forget the past, focus on the present! You have a different problem to solve...<' She scrolled down and clicked on the contact button, which gave her an email address. She clicked over to her own email and typed in the address, but paused before writing anything.

'What do I even say to them? They didn't believe that Anthony guy, and he was one of them. Maybe if I send them proof...' Her eyes drifted to Scout, who was staring at the TV. Her attention was completely taken by the show, and she seemed oblivious to what Stacy was doing and thinking. 'A picture might not be enough, but maybe a video? But would she even agree to it? And could I even do that to her?'

Stacy shook her head, closing the laptop with a small sigh. 'I can't. Not right now. Maybe once things are settled...' She moved the computer to the side and stood up, stretching as much as she could. She then went into the kitchen and started digging through Sammy's fridge.

'Ugh, he's such a bachelor. There's nothing in here but some old lettuce and leftover soup. He'd better be buying groceries on his way back from work, or I'm telling Aunt Hannah he has no food again.' She closed the door, and then grabbed some bread and peanut-butter from the cupboard, and the last clean knife from one of the drawers. She quickly made herself a simple sandwich, cut it in half, then went back to the couch.

"Where'd you go?" Scout asked when she'd sat back down. She flopped over onto her lap, making Stacy jerk her plate up to keep it from getting hit. "You're missing the show!"

"I've seen it before, don't worry." Stacy assured her as she bit into the sandwich. "I'm not missing anything important."

"Hey, what's that?" She climbed into her lap and peered onto the plate, reminding Stacy of a cat. "Is that Host Food?"

"Yeah, it's a peanut-butter sandwich. I got hungry, and it was all Sammy had to eat, other than gross leftovers." She took another bite of sandwich, not really paying attention as Scout pulled the plate down a little. She watched the Puppet grab the other half of the sandwich 'Gross.', and examine it closely. Then, without warning, she tore a bite off and started chewing.

Stacy froze mid-chew, unsure of how to react. While she knew Scout had to have organs, she hadn't thought she actually could eat anything. It was quite surreal, watching a thing made of cloth chew and swallow real, human food.

"Hmm, not bad. Kind of sticky, though." She smacked her lips, then tore off another bite and turned back around to keep watching the show, leaving Stacy feeling like she'd smoked some of her cousin's weed. She shook the feeling off, though, deciding to come back to it at a later time. Like maybe when she'd actually had some weed.

Instead she finished her half of the sandwich(since she apparently only got to have half, now), and then pulled back out her laptop. She opened up a new doc, and started drafting up some plans.

'One way or another, I'm gonna figure this out.'

Several hours later, and Stacy had not figured it out. She had maybe one and a half pages of notes on the Puppets, most of which was on just Scout, and three different plans.

1. Go to the police.

-Too Risky for Scout

-Can lie about what's going on if needed

2. Ask Vox for help.

-Way too risky for Scout and me

-Can't lie to these guys about it

-They would know what they're doing tho

3. Arson.

-Has potential

-Can have a bon fire and roast marshmallows while we do it

-Could get arrested but might be worth it if we can get all the Puppets

-Might also be worth it just to see Scout try and eat a melty marshmallow

So far, plan number three was looking like the best one. It still wasn't the absolute best plan, but it was all they had at the moment. She'd have to talk to Will and see if he still had those gas cans in his garage.

"Hey, are you guys still here?" Stacy started at the sudden entrance of Sammy, surprised at how late it had gotten. She shut her laptop and put it to the side for now, standing up.

"No, we left and stole all of your soup." She told him. What you're seeing now is a hunger induced hallucination."

Sammy paused, the held up a plastic bag with a panda on it. "So you don't want the takeout I got?"

"Oooh, gimme!" Stacy rushed to snatch the bag from her cousin. She brought it over to the table, pausing briefly to pick Scout up from the couch. She started to set the food out while the Puppet settled over her shoulder, watching what she did. While she worked, she also pointed out what each different food was.

"So, all of this stuff is rice. We don't normally eat it, but they include it anyways with some of the meals. This is teriyaki chicken, and this is-"

"Stacy, really? Why would it even need to know what that stuff is?" Sammy tsked as he sat at the table and grabbed some noodle dish. "It's stuffed, and can't eat."

Stacy just stuck her tongue out at him and sat down. She picked up a pair of chopsticks and set about showing Scout how to hold and use them properly.

For awhile, they ate silently as Scout watched them, which Stacy personally thought was a little odd but didn't want to say anything. If the Puppet wanted to be weird, then she wasn't going to stop her. Sammy, on the other hand, soon fixed her with a hard stare and cleared his throat.

"So." Stacy looked up at him mid-chew, cheeks bulging. "What are you going to do when you get back to your apartment?"

She swallowed hard, putting on a more thoughtful expression. "Go back to class, tell Carol I can't do the article and why, maybe go tell the police about the psychopaths in the warehouse." She shrugged, digging out another bite of chicken from one of the boxes. "Y'know, stuff."

"And what about...?" He gestured to Scout with his chopsticks, and the Puppet glared back at him. Stacy, in a stroke of seldom seen genius, offered the Puppet her chicken before she could say anything.

"She's coming with me, of course. I live alone, so there shouldn't be a problem." Scout chomped down on the chicken, to Stacy's mild surprise. She quickly picked up some more food for herself. "Besides, Will is gonna love her. They're so much alike."

"Okay, ignoring the fact that you just fed that thing," Scout made an offended noise. "that sounds like a shit plan. There's no way in hell the police will believe you without proof."

"Fine, you're right. I have a back-up plan in the works, too." She thought back to her arson idea as she offered another bite to Scout. "But it needs work, so I can't put it in action yet." ‘And gasoline. Lots and lots of gasoline.’

"... Where's that food even going, anyways?" Both Sammy and Stacy turned to stare at Scout, who didn't even pause in her chewing to send them both a glare. Obviously, she wasn't going to be explaining anything, so Stacy turned back to her cousin.

"I have no idea. Don't think too hard on it."

'Don't think about why you're feeding her, either.' She ignored her own thoughts to shove some more food in her mouth. That was something to think about later. Or, perhaps, never. Never seemed like a much better time.

They finished their food, with Stacy giving Scout a few more bites, then boxed up the leftovers and put them in the fridge. Stacy then made Sammy get them a blanket because "It was too cold last night I almost froze to death!"

"It wasn't that bad, Stace." He told her, but fished out some spare bedding anyways. "It was near sixty."

"And yet, you had the air on or something. I swear it was colder than that in here." She insisted. She almost shivered just thinking about it. "You need to turn the AC off."

"The Ac's not on." He frowned at her, head tilted like he was studying one of his patients. "Maybe you're getting sick? You did spend God knows how long running around an abandoned warehouse with open wounds. I wouldn't be surprised if you caught something."

"God I hope not." She muttered, helping him spread the blanket out on the couch. "I gotta drive back to my apartment tomorrow. I don't wanna be sick while doing that."

"Well, if you do come down with something, promise me you'll go straight to the walk-in clinic or ER." Sammy told her seriously. "It could be something worse than a cold, like an infection from the stitches."

"Promises are curses." Stacy responded automatically. "But if something comes up, I will go to the walk-in. I don't wanna die after going through all of that bullshit."

"Wow, you're swearing. Must have been some pretty bad bullshit." He joked as he handed her a pillow. She resisted the urge to hit him with it.

"It was the second worst thing I've ever been through. It was horrible, and I hated it, but now it's over forever." Her eye twitched slightly as she placed the pillow on the couch, and saw Scout watching them from the side table. She was overcome with a childish urge to knock Scout over onto the pillow, which she quickly did.

"Wha-? Hey!" She pulled the blanket up over the Puppet, and heard a soft snort of amusement from Sammy.

"Are you ever going to grow up." He shook his head with a sigh as they watched the blanket covered lump move around.

"Nope!" She told him cheerfully. "I'mma be a kid forever!" She noticed the lump had stopped moving and leaned down, reaching for the blanket. "Uh, Scout? You oka-"

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!" Scout hit the back Stacy's head with far more force than necessary, knocking her onto the couch. She then bit onto the top of her head, though that didn't do much.

"AAUGH! How'd you even get up there?!?" She became aware of laughter and turned a death glare on her cousin. "Stop laughing! It's not funny Samuel!" She threw the pillow at him, but that didn't stop the almost hysterical laughter coming from him.

"Oh my God!" He gasped out, collapsing against the couch. "She just came out of nowhere! Holy shit!" He fell onto the floor while Stacy wrestled the apparently feral Puppet off of her head. She held her at arm's length, trying to simultaneously give her a disapproving look and check her over for injuries. It was hard to do, however, as she kept trying to bite her hand.

"Dude, seriously? That's not even gonna do anything to me..." She watched Scout thrash for a moment, actually struggling to hold onto her. "Okay, seriously, stop it right now, or you're going back under the blanket and I'm gonna sit on you." That got her to stop, but she kept up the death glare.

"Geez..." She looked over at Sammy, who was coughing on the floor, finally finished laughing. "It wasn't that funny..."

"It was fucking hilarious." He retorted between coughs. "Instant karma." He took a deep breath and started to pull himself up from the floor. "I like that Puppet." Stacy just sighed. "Whatever dude. Glad to know my pain is what made you like her." Unconsciously, she hugged Scout close and sat on the couch. She grabbed up the remote to turn Netflix back on, wanting a distraction from her humiliation. She let Scout drop onto her lap, and resisted the urge to drop her head into her hands.

'Defeated by a hand puppet. I'm never living this down.'

Sammy climbed up onto the couch seconds later, still wheezing. He went to speak, but another death glare shut him up before he could start. So he just shot her a smug look instead, holding out a hand for Scout to fist bump. "That was a pretty great move." He told the Puppet. Stacy ignored him, but heard a quiet "Hell yeah!" from Scout. "You should do it again the next time she does that."

"Do you want to die?" Stacy deadpanned, but Sammy just shrugged as he finally settled in to watch the show with them.

"Hey, it's just a suggestion." He couldn't keep that grin off of his face, and it was starting to annoy her.

"Whatever." She resolved to just ignore everything for now and watch the show. Sammy attempted a few more times to draw her into conversation, but quickly gave up when she didn't answer him and started watching too.

A few episodes later, however, and Sammy stood up and stretched. "Well, I need to get to bed, I have work tomorrow." He started towards his room. "I'll be gone by the time you two leave, so make sure you lock up tomorrow, okay?" "Kay. G'night Sammy." Stacy gave a halfhearted wave as he left, leaving Host and Puppet alone for the night.

"Leave?" Scout asked after they heard his door close. Stacy glanced down to see the Puppet staring up at her, a worried look on her face.

"Yeah. We gotta go home tomorrow." Stacy told her. "I gotta tell Carol about what happened at the HQ and find out what she wants me to do about that article. And then classes start back up soon, so I've gotta be back by then." "... I thought we were staying here." Scout said quietly, and Stacy felt a pang of... something. She wasn't sure what, but it made her feel bad and she decided right then that she hated it.

"Eh, it was more of a stopping point, really. Some place to get my mouth cut open and you off my hand." She shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. "And as much as I would love to hide here until I die, we can't actually stay on Sammy's couch forever. He doesn't have any food, and would expect me to clean."

"..." Scout was silent, and no longer paying attention to the show, instead staring down at her hands as she played with the hem of Stacy's shirt. The Human felt like she should say something, but didn't know what. Instead she stopped the show and turned off the TV, dropping the Puppet to the side and standing up.

"I'm gonna get ready and go to bed myself. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm ready for it." She started towards the bathroom, almost missing the quiet "Okay." in reply. She hesitated at the doorway, but forced herself through anyways.

Scout would figure out it was better this way. Her apartment was even further from the HQ than Sammy's was, and thus safer than Sammy's. Plus, it would be better if it was just the two of them alone, and they could figure things out.

Things would get better, starting tomorrow.

They had to.

[cancerbiophd]

How to plan a wedding during grad school (and not lose your mind)

I received a lovely ask from @brandnewleaves about wedding planning while in grad school. Congrats on your engagement! 

I also got engaged and married during grad school and learned a lot about planning a wedding during such a busy and stressful time. It does take a lot of time and energy and money, but it can be done! (A quick note: I had a huuuge reception (more than 250 guests), so some of these things may not apply to smaller celebrations.)

Here’s my advice from what I learned: 

Probably the most important thing: Do not do everything yourself! Get help from as many people as possible, especially your partner (as it’s their day too!). Divvy out the tasks, and set strict deadlines. Have regular meetings with those involved if necessary (I had at least 2 meetings with both families together to go over important details, and to reach compromise on conflicting traditions). 

Start early, so you don’t have to do a whole lot of everything all at once, and space out the tasks, so at most you may be spending like, 30 min a day on wedding planning to not feel overwhelmed (tho you can def spend longer/day if you want! Time does fly when you’re having fun!). I think giving yourself at least a year to plan a large wedding reception works well (large/fancier venues need to be reserved a year in advance anyway since they fill up so fast)

Do your research. Wedding planning is a whole new territory to learn about and conquer (there’s a reason people can make a living from being a wedding planner!). Not only do you have to find all the vendors and your venue, there are lots of major things to know, like how far in advance to reserve/purchase ____. I recommend wedding websites like TheKnot and WeddingWire, and chatting with those who have done it before (like me!). 

Then, set a timeline and schedule major events/deadlines into your planner/calendar. That way you can see if you have time to do everything you want to do, and whether you can take things a bit slower, or if you need to fast-track some things. 

Determine a budget for items. For this part I sat down with my fiancé/husband and determined which things we were comfortable splurging on, what things we could be more thrifty, and what things we could do without. The exact $ spent in the end will most likely change, but it’s good to set boundaries and expectations early on (esp on a grad student salary!!)

Stay organized. I used a plethora of excel sheets to keep track of everything, from to-do lists to budgets to the day-of-schedule. I used Google Drive so I could easily share with others who needed to be in the know, like my parents, and so I could see it on my phone the day-of (using the Google Sheets app). I also bookmarked sites on my browser (like useful resources), and kept a powerpoint slide of pictures of dresses and color schemes I liked (you can also use Pintrest, but I didn’t want to get sucked into that time-sink lol). This collection of ideas is also useful to show your dress/suit consultant, florist, hair-dresser/make-up artist, venue decorator, DJ, cake baker, etc so they get the vibe of your day right.

Use a website for guests to RSVP if you’re going to have a lot of them. TheKnot provides a free website that you can customize, or you can sign up for one at Squarespace. You can also use the website to collect info such as dietary restrictions (and to remind them of the address and other details). 

Get things on the cheap!! I know Amazon is kind of a horrible company but MAN I got SO many things on Amazon and saved a ton of money: my veil ($25 on amazon vs $300 on David’s Bridal??? are you kidding me???), my jewelry and hair pieces (aside from the rings lol), all the bridesmaid dresses (I have prime so if I didn’t like them I just returned them), all the faux fur wraps for the bridesmaids, a ton of decor such as table numbers, parts of the wedding favors, the groomsmen belts and shoes, etc etc. And if you’re not particular about reusing decor (that’s been used literally once), people are always selling things on Craigslist! 

DIY is fun and saves money, but make sure it’s doable for your skill, time, and energy. My husband I opted to hand-fill small jars with tea and hot cocoa and hand-fold these cute lil boxes for wedding favors, but in hindsight that was a horrible idea because we had way too many guests. 

Something that’s overlooked: wedding planning will take up space. Like, physical space, to store all your wedding things such as decor, wedding favors, outfits, etc. My guest bedroom was pretty much unusable for a few months because it was filled. Something to take into consideration if you live in a small space.

If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, stop. Step away. Take a break. Bring things into perspective. Don’t let wedding planning be a bad experience. Don’t let it bring out the ugly in the people involved. Always remember that this is a day to celebrate with your family and friends the love and commitment between you and your partner. 

My other “more my totally personal opinion” tips:

Spend the money on a professional photographer. If you’re gonna throw down the big bucks on anything on your wedding day, I suggest it be a professional photographer. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but then I saw how amazing my photos were, and how much I--and all my friends and family--cherished such an amazing memory, and I’m soo glad I spent the money. A professional photographer will charge anywhere from $150-300/hr, but even 1 hour of photography for you and your partner and your family members at the venue before everyone else arrives will be well worth it. Not only will the photos be high quality, but wedding photographers know all the best poses and angles. (Also, support your local photographers!)

If appropriate, ask for cash instead of physical gifts. We did this by saying “no boxed gifts - cash or check only” on our invitations. I think this is becoming more common these days, and I honestly think it’s more practical. I legit don’t want any dish-ware bc I already have a set? But money? Heck yes. If asking for money may not fly by your more-traditional guests, consider using Honeyfund, which is like a wedding registry but for honeymoon items, so your guests can give money towards say, the plane tickets. 

I caution against picking vendors (including venues) that are too far/time-consuming/expensive to travel often to. You may have to go back quite a few times for meetings, tastings, etc, and many of these places aren’t available to do these on the weekends and evenings (since that’s when they’ll be busy with the weddings!). Our wedding venue and all our day-of vendors (florist, cake baker, etc) were located in our hometown 1.5 hrs away, which isn’t super far, but we had to take some afternoons off work to make it to important meetings, and that kinda sucked for a grad student. However, you can of course video call in for stuff, or opt to trust how the food tastes, etc!

I think I covered most of it! If you have any specific questions, my ask box and chat are always open! (I didn’t mention it, but I also had to balance 2 conflicting cultures/religions, so I have some experience in that alley too)

Once again, congratulations on your engagement, and I wish you and your love a fantastic wedding and all the happiness in the world!!

[anahera-sdm]

Hotel Del Luna (2019) Thoughts

Warning: will contain spoilers. I suggest you watch the drama first to relate with what I’m talking about because it will be messy.

Disclaimer: Everything written only reflects my own thoughts. There’s a possibility of incoherence. Forgive me, sometimes my brain is all over the place.

Ever since IU was announced as a main lead for this drama, I have been looking forward to it. I have enjoyed IU’s other dramas especially her most recent one in Netflix - Persona. Yeo Jin goo is an actor I like but the last drama of his that I was able to finish (and barely at that) was Orange Marmalade (2015). I couldn’t get into his next dramas after that and ended up dropping them. 

After seeing the plot and the fantasy tag (I always have a soft spot for fantasy dramas), as much as I enjoyed and looked forward to new episodes of its predecessor, Arthdal Chronicles, I also could not wait for it to start. 

Additional warning: Everything is all over the place and this is going to be a lengthy post. I wrote everything that I wanted to talk about right after watching the subbed version of the last episode but there is no proper structure. I apologise in advance if you decide to read everything.

I don’t even know where I should start. The Hong Sisters really did well with this drama - the years spent on it was worth it. That ending was, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I was so satisfied even though they didn’t spend much time together in this life. I was expecting a bittersweet ending when the drama started anyway. I loved the ending and that reincarnation scene (although it is not definite but just an ‘eventually, it will end up that way’ scene) was everything to me. I don’t know why but I loved how they didn’t try to extend Man Wol’s time with Chan Seong (example, releasing her from the hotel and making her human again). It was enough for me because Man Wol also spent enough time suffering. Her time with Chan Seong, although brief, was good enough because she experienced the love she needed and she gets sent off full of it.  

That twist at the end though, how Chan Seong was chosen by Mago - I’m crying. Chan Seong was definitely a reincarnation of someone from her past. They were actually acquainted during Man Wol’s childhood - and he was the one who introduced her to the guesthouse of the moon. 

So now, let’s go to the other parts I really wanna talk about.

One of the reasons why I got hooked and invested with Hotel Del Luna was the fact the way they executed the comical elements despite the horror and drama tags. Additionally, the music and the CGI were really well done. The soundtrack really gets me.

The other reasons, well, IU can really pull off Jang Man Wol - a protagonist who can be ruthless, has a slightly bitchy attitude, crooked (but her actions can be justified) and holds a deep resentment. Yet, she has her cute sides too; all the Kim Joon Hyun moments were a sight to see (her obsession for the restaurants he’s been to, enjoyed it! Later we find out her obsession to find good restaurants were actually influenced by Chan Seong who went to the past! Mind blown!). And her fighting scenes were so cool. IU’s eyes are really expressive in my eyes - 

Appreciate.

I love how despite being crude in her ways when it comes to dealing with the grudges of the souls she’s helping, there is an underlying meaning to it - example, Hyun Joong being able to graduate because of the money donated by his friend. And, I can’t blame her for loving money and wealth. After all, that was what she didn’t have when she was living. I have to add that one of the things I look forward to every episode was IU’s outfit changes. She looks so good in everything! [I actually couldn’t stop myself from buying some of the stuff she wore. Hold your horses, I can only afford the cheap ones like the earrings and hair clips from Get Me Bling that she wore. And I wanna do a face palm because I accidentally bought 2 sets for one of her earrings so now I’m like, what do I do with this?]

The bickering between the leads together with that comical/mischievous soundtrack, pure gold. It’s easily one of my favourite moments. It’s just really funny how sometimes Jang Man Wol is left without words because Chan Seong is right.

The more I watch this gif tho, it starts to look weirder to look at so don't watch it more than 10 times.

I also like how they dealt with Man Wol’s back story - not giving the viewers everything in just one episode. Instead, it was spliced and distributed nicely throughout. Oh but gods, I was a wreck when everything was laid down - Chung Myung’s sacrifice... I just can’t. And how he was with her as a firefly since the beginning... My heart... I actually forgot that scene from the beginning until they showed it again. I though it was just an artistic shot. I actually wanted Man Wol to go with him to the afterlife when it was finally time for him to go. When she escorted him, I wanted her to walk with him during that moment. But at the same time, I can see that there was only a one-sided love left between them because Man Wol spent so many years resenting him that there was no love left. When she finally learned the truth, the only thing left in her was forgiveness and that was the only thing she can offer. The CGI on the bridge to the afterlife though, the aesthetic, props to the CGI team.

Can I just talk about how the actor grew on me? Like, omg, I’m now looking forward to any drama he’s going to be on. [Note: I have since seen him in a new drama, The Great Show (I was watching it because of Lee Sunbin (one of my favourite actresses)) and he’s the teen version of the male lead! I screamed when I saw him.] I should check him out on his previous dramas but when I saw the list of dramas, I don’t think I’ll get into them yet.

Help my heart, their story is so sad.

Helping Kim Seonbi /Kim Si Ik solve his grudge was really fun to watch. And the ‘fact’ that he was the writer of those stories almost all Koreans know, what a twist. Man Wol really cared for him despite not showing it to him - how she tried to find a way to solve his grudge and how she cried after he finally left. 

Choi Seo hee’s story was an unfortunate one but it added more flavour to the already flavourful drama. Those who value family ties or still have crooked views when it comes to family lineage will resonate with her story and perhaps have a change of heart.

Hyun Joong; I love how they gave more depth to his story. That it was not only because of his sister that he was staying as a hotel staff but deep inside there was a resentment. When they wrapped his story up, all I can do was to smile wistfully. His story arc with Yuna was a great addition despite their bittersweet goodbye.

The Sanchez story arc; I... I... He was such a fun character and a good friend to Chan Seong. I sincerely thought they were going to get rid of his character when he went overseas to oversee the funeral of his girlfriend. But we got him back and see another side to him - a rather relatable side where if one loses a loved one, they would find ways to reconnect or hold on to any sliver of hope that they’ll be able to once more be able to talk to them or give them something. Probably, not making sense anymore, but if you’ve lost a loved one before, you’ll get what I'm talking about. After finally getting over it, well, he was not the same Sanchez after that but there was growth in his character.

Mira and Young soo. A twist of fate, these two. Enemies in the past life but became lovers in their current life. Their bitter fates became sweeter this time around. I can't entirely hate on Mira’s past life because her next lives were spent repenting (although it wasn’t shown). Her currently life was finally rewarded, if you can call being with Young soo in her current life a reward. I kept on thinking Mira was just like Chan Seong (not a rich person) but I was so surprised to learn her parents were kimchi factory owners and that Young Soo ate those kimchi since young. 

Mago - easily my favourite character. Wait, characters. Because of how many personalities/sisters she has. Really have to give mad props to the actress. She is just so good. Probably my favourite sister has to be the pink sister and then the eldest. It was so funny when they were having a meeting discussing about the new hotel owner and mentioned the ‘poor’ sister still stuck in Joseon dynasty.

Ah, the cameos in this drama. I can’t not cover that.The amount of cameo is just, whoa! This drama is so rich with it. Some really memorable ones to me are: Kim Won hae (as a corrupt mayor), Lee Joon Gi (as an exorcist; Park Il Do hahah, The Guest feels (I ought to make a post on my thoughts about this drama soon); can’t forget the Scarlet Heart feels too), Lee Si Eon (as an astronaut; I couldn't help laugh at the scene), Lee Yi-kyung (as an actor who can’t really act; Waikiki feels!), Kim Joon Hyun (as himself; I screamed because the first few scenes didn't show his face), Park Jin Joo (as an imaginary spirit), Sulli (as the granddaughter of Chairman Wang), Nam Da reum(as a water deity; I really don’t like the fact he’s younger than me; kidding. He’s a talented kid.) Hwang Young Hee (as IU’s previous manager; she’s a really good actress) and Kim Soo Hyun (as the new owner of the hotel; He renamed it Hotel Blue Moon. I’m telling you, I hyperventilated when his scene came. Such a good way to end the drama - at least for me. Hotel Blue Moon as a drama please!)

For the last episode, I wanted to watch it during the actual broadcast time but I actually calculated the time wrongly (thinking I'm 4 hours ahead but actually just 3 hours; good thing I checked the site). I missed the first 25 mins of the actual broadcast. But I eventually re-watched it with subs and came to write this post). I can only understand roughly 80-85% of the dialogue for the raw version but even then, I was bawling - all the goodbyes; it was so sad but so satisfying at the same time because they were sent off really well. From Kim Seonbi’s to Choi Seohee’s. Painful to see the goodbyes but also very heartwarming; how they finally come to resolve their resentments, came to realizations and tied up loose ends - it was so beautiful. The relationship between the Hotel crew was just so precious - Jang Man Wol crying as she realises how she’ll miss them. Feels. Feels. Feels. 

Overall, I learned so many things in this drama and came to certain realisations such as treasuring the time you have with others, don’t take it for granted. One day, when the time to say goodbye comes, you won’t regret anything. Also, even the people who did bad things in their life can have the chance to live a better one in the next once they have paid for those wrongdoings.

This drama was a perfect blend of comedy, drama, horror, fantasy, romance. In terms of food, it satisfied my cravings. Watching this drama was one of the best things that I did this year. As much as I want to talk more about this drama and cover more areas, I should stop here. All in all, I would say, I really loved this drama. I’ll definitely go back to watching this when I have nothing else to watch. P.S. I ought to make a Jang Man Wol inspired look but when I tried, I failed. 

I’ll miss you, Jang Man Wol-ssi.

Rating: 10 / 10

Re-watch value : 10 / 10

Soundtrack : 10 / 10

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[isitthescreaming20syet]

Do all the numbers you coward

– disclaimer: i did this at like late at night o’clock, while trying to avoid my fourth breakdown that hour. and i didn’t have my glasses on. so . if there’s any spelling errors that i didn’t catch, let me know.–

ok cool. imma just pick a post and go at it then.

1. what colour are you’re eyes?

Usually they’re like a green/brown ig?

2. do you like your name? why?

Yes, I love my name. I picked it myself with the help of some of my friends. It comes from a couple different book characters who are both super strong physically and emotionally and they’re honestly an inspiration to me.

3. what is your relationship status?

…. single as fuck man. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is sweet and not pushy and bigger than me so I can steal his hoodies and be swamped in them??

4. describe your personality in 3 words or less

“another fucking breakdown??”

5. what colour hair do you have?

currently a really gross red, (well I think it’s gross but i just don’t like reds) but on Thursday I finally re-dye it and im gonna go green!!

6. how would you describe your style?

either I pull smth out of the drawer in the morning and hope it goes together, or I spend three weeks planning it.

7. what size bed do you have?

P sure it’s a queen? my dog manages to take up half of it and he’s the size of a bread loaf.

8. any siblings?

Ye, two half sisters!! 

9. favourite t.v. show?

The Umbrella Academy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. describe your dream date

uhhhhh, smth outside? like a picnic. at night, but with plenty of lights. and star gazing!!!! bc spACE!!!

11. what colour socks are you wearing?

uh… one crew that’s white and purple and one ankle that blue and white…. 

12. how many pillows do you sleep with?

trick question!! I don’t sleep with pillows. I use throw/travel blankets and stuffed animals. I do have two pillows on my bed, but they’re for my dog to sleep on.

13. do you have a job? what do you do?

I do! I just started a week or so ago and I make drinks! ISTG IF SOMEONE ORDERS ONE MORE GODDAMN MINI SLUSHI IM GONNA KILL A MAN.

14. how many friends do you have?

hhhhh, i think i have abt 0. but in reality i probably have 10ish actual friends?

15. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

I’ve done plenty of shitty things but im not in a good place to answer this one rn.

16. what’s your favourite candle scent?

Another trick question! i despise candles and nearly anything that has a smell. good or bad.

17. three favourite boy names?

Klaus bc my boiiiiiiiiii

Ethan istg anyone i know irl brings this up you will regret it

Ashton

18. three favourite girl names?

ooooo boyyy,

Claire

Isabella (spanish pronounciation obv)

Vanya bc yk i had to make another reference but also it’s rlly pretty and just look at it!!

19. who is your celebrity crush?

ik it’s basic but cole sprouse is the first one that comes to mind.

20. do you read a lot? what’s you favourite book?

yes I read all the time bc reADING IS GOOD @dodo-likes-to-tumbl

my favourite book is probably Six of Crows.

21. top 10 favourite songs?

hhhooooohhhhhhhhkkkayyyyy not really any particular order:

1) Istanbul by They Might be Giants

2) Roaring 20s by P!atD

3) I Wait by Day6

4) Monster by EXO

5) Choke by IDKHBTFM

6)Tempo by EXO

7) Awkward Silence by Stray Kids

8) Chained Up by VIXX

9) Singularity by BTS

10) Get Cool by Stray Kids

22.  What is your biggest fear?

another one that im not able to answer at this time.

23. What’s your go to hairstyle/

Literally don’t have one. I get out of bed, get dressed, and go to school. I don’t do anything.

24. who is your role model?

Idk. I don’t really have one. I really look up to my sister, Ella, a lot. 

25. what was the last compliment you received?

idk, the most recent one I remember was my moms friends mom was going on about my hair colour even though I hate it and we were literally standing by the hair dye in walmart looking at new colours when she walked up and interrupted.

26. What was the last text you sent?

Confirming smth for a talent show group im gonna be a part of.

27. How old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? (if this is a shock or a spoiler for you, you’re either wayyy too young for this site or wayy too stupid) 

I was probably about 5 or 6? I had a lot of cousins who were older than me who liked to spoil things. I was able to convince my parents I still believed until I was about 11 tho.

28. what is your dream job?

Dream job? I thought I’d be dead in the trunk of a car by now!!

not really, but uhh idk

29. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Idfk? five years worth ig?

30. have you ever peed in the woods?

Wtf kinda question is this? but yeah when I was younger. like 4-7 ish maybe?

31. Do you still watch cartoons?

Tbh not nearly as often as I’d like. I love Gravity Falls and I wanna get into Steven Universe, though from what I’ve seen it’s not a cartoon it’s art. 

32. Favourite dipping sauce?

no

33. What do you wear to bed?

Sweat pants and a hoodie

34. Have you ever won a spelling bee?

Nah mate. I can’t spell for shit.

35. what are your hobbies?

crying in the dark instead of doing my hw.

36. tea or coffee?

yes

37. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

hah “when”! idk if I do get married I’ll probably hyphenate or steal my sisters idea and do some sort of mash up of the last names, kinda like a ship name.

38.  do you believe in ghosts?

meh

39. what’s your biggest pet peeve?

People

40. the last person you called?

I facetimed @panickingposters

41. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

hah GAY

42.  what shirt are you wearing?

damn another trick question! I’m wearing my PFTW Tour hoodie.

43. what is your phone background?

lock screen is FoB lyrics - “ I love the world, i just don’t love the way it makes me feel”

and home screen is a space edit of the trans flag.

44. do you like it when ppl play with your hair?

As long as they do it right @goodmorningchicago

45. have you ever been drunk?

no but i wish i was

46. favourite lyrics rn?

“Like awkward silence..

caw

caw

caw”

47. summer or winter?

autumn

48. day or night?

sleep during the day, everything else at night

49. dark, milk or white chocolate?

k first of all? white chocolate isn’t even fucking chocolate. so that ones out.

second, milk chocolate is just sugar and milk. also out

Dark it is!!

50. who was the last person you cried in front of?

My therapist earlier today

[nyfacurrent]

Business of Art | Neurodivergent Artists Build Community

“My advice would be to look for each other and look after each other—be generous and share skills.” - Sonia Boué

Imagine a time when neurodiversity is integrated into the art world’s everyday vocabulary. Is this a new concept for you? Neurodiversity stipulates that neurological differences are to be recognized and respected as any other human variation. Increasingly, more and more people—and artists—identify as neurodivergent, or as individuals who diverge from the dominant societal standards of “normal” neurocognitive functioning. These differences can include Dyslexia, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autistic Spectrum, and others.

Now imagine an average event or opportunity for artists. This may be a networking event that features unstructured conversations, or an open call for funding that requires you to prove a strong network of support. For neurodivergent artists, these ubiquitous realities can present many challenges that often go unseen.

As a way of acknowledging barriers to access and offering solutions, we’ve invited Sonia Boué to share her experiences and recommendations. Boué is a visual multiform autistic artist and a prolific blogger on autism and art. Read her writings here, and visit her website to learn more about her practice. Since being diagnosed as autistic in 2016, Boué created WEBworks, a network and mentoring project funded by Arts Council England based on her own experiences and research. Boué designs projects, mentors, provides training, and consults for arts organizations with the goal of creating opportunity for neurodivergent artists.  

Says Boué: “I love my work because it is really varied and I get to work with some seriously talented neurodivergent creatives. Working with organizations is also fascinating and rewarding when you get to see thinking evolve.” Read Boué’s advice for neurodivergent and introverted artists below, as well as arts administrators.

NYFA: You’ve talked about “network ableism” and its impact on you in your quest to fund your projects. Can you tell us more? How do you define ableism in this context? 

Sonia Boué (SB): Network ableism in my experience is the assumption that social privilege (ability) is a baseline we all have access to if and when we want it. Because most opportunity in the arts involves some networking, this is a serious access issue for us. 

We can’t all summon up a smile and waltz into a room—and there can be many very good reasons why not, some of which may be neurological. For example, dyspraxia, which affects motor coordination and sometimes speech, can make these situations hard to navigate. We may not recognize faces or be able to remember names.

There’s a lot of shaming around not being "socially able” so it takes courage to say it. Decades of not showing up can mean that you don’t understand how conventional networks function. I had to unpick a lot of this to learn how to write a funding bid. 

Social assumption also runs through the kind of Arts Council England funding bid I needed to make for my project. Your idea may be brilliant but unless you can find partners to back you (network klaxon!) you will not succeed.

NYFA: You’ve written that when you encounter an ableist comment, you think, “this person needs training – and I (and all my autistic colleagues) hold much of the missing knowledge.” How can institutions work to welcome and incorporate this knowledge? 

SB: It’s a brilliant question, and this issue is in the room always. Institutions just aren’t seeing it because of the social stigma involved. So first I think it needs to go on the agenda. Staff will also be autistic, neurodivergent, or introverted. 

Then it’s important to invite us in to your organization formally. We are consultants, speakers, and trainers. My view is that we should be paid for our work which is incredibly valuable to arts organizations as we are authentic voices. 

But it takes more than a training day! Building trust with community is also very important for any organization; ultimately it’s about relationships. Consider commissioning a review of marketing and events from neurodivergent perspectives. 

You can tell a lot about an organization from their use of language. Knowing who you are talking to and getting your message right are an absolute must. Delivering value to community is also essential. 

NYFA: Do you have thoughts on how organizations that emphasize in-person events can make them more welcoming to neurodivergent artists? 

SB: If you mean networking events, this is a bit like asking a wheelchair user whether they are sure they wouldn’t like to try the stairs just in case! But here are things which can help with in-person events. 

Personally, I need people on the inside who know me well, and access to the door. Environment matters greatly; is your building accessible for those with sensory sensitivity? Will your event be noisy, involve crowds, and involve mainly unstructured chats? Tell us! 

Information is the name of the game. I advise always publishing clear and detailed information giving a sensory menu for neurodivergent attendees so they can plan for what to expect from the event in terms of challenge. 

It’s the genuine thoughtfulness and attention to detail that counts in the welcome. Providing lots of options is also vital. Is there a quiet room with soft furnishing and dim lights, or outdoor spaces? Are there specific structured elements? 

Finally, the offer has to be right. If the event holds no interest, I’m not coming. Look into programming with a consultant from the community. 

NYFA: Are there resources or voices that you’d especially recommend to arts administrators looking to learn more? 

SB: Essentially we are talking about a culture shift in our understanding that humans are neurodiverse beings. Often I’ve found that the adaptations that suit neurodivergent people can benefit us all. This is about increasing options and thinking about individuality.

I recommend these neurodivergent thinkers, bloggers, creatives, and resources:

Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism

Autism and Expectations: De-Mystifying Autism 

Dan Holloway, Rogue Interrobang

Katherine May 

Sonja Zelić

Kruse on adaptations to environments

Dr. Kate Fox  

Dr. Damian Milton

Jon Adams

I don’t particularly recommend sourcing resources from disability arts organizations that aren’t neurodivergent-led. My experience is that the thinking is often not there yet, despite some best efforts. 

Personally, I like to be very specific and stick to what I know. I wouldn’t try to advocate for other groups and always try to remember that within neurodivergent groups, there’s probably greater diversity than in the general population. 

NYFA: Many artists, for a variety of reasons, feel the typical networking advice is unhelpful or exclusionary. And we ourselves have given this advice! Let’s reframe the conversation: what is some more inclusive and effective networking advice that organizations and artists can begin to share with each other? 

SB: I think it’s worth unpicking what some of the difficulties are in quite some detail, as I began to hint earlier. Networking can be hellish if you can’t process language in real-time speed, for example. So this needs an honest and open two-directional approach. 

Have you ever been in a room with someone and texted them? I’m sure most of us have. Text slows things right down, and, you can use emojis! Result! Often we’re critical of using technology when we’re face-to-face, but if this could be an adaption, why not? 

It’s an exciting time to be breaking through the barriers to invisible disability. What holds us back is often social censure, which is ultimately ableist. Organizations could lead the way in creating a new trend. 

If we think about modalities, this is also helpful. How many ways of being in a room and communicating can you think of? I also love the ‘gateway friend’ idea: a known, trusted person who can enable you to get in to a venue and out again. 

But we need to understand adaptations to in-person networking are limited in effectiveness because—wash, rinse, repeat—we have to keep it up which is exhausting. Or it just doesn’t work for us. This knowledge puts the onus on change. 

NYFA: What are your favorite means of networking online? 

SB: Blogging, blogging, blogging! This has been the most effective tool in my entire armory. I also love Twitter. I began with a Facebook artists’ page many years ago, then progressed to a professional platform with the wonderful a-n Blogs.

My Wordpress blog has been my most significant online site, far outstripping any other. I’m also warming to Instagram as a more visual platform but have been slower to take it on. I think it’s hard to work across platforms but probably essential. 

NYFA: Can you tell us how WEBworks, an autistic-led peer support and mentoring group, came to be? How could this kind of group be replicated by autistic and neurodivergent creatives elsewhere? 

SB: WEBworks is unique due to the individuals who’ve formed it. It may provide a transferable model but we can’t yet know that, I feel. It developed from my Arts Council England research into autistic project leadership. 

I happened on a mentoring model through my own need to understand the ‘neurotypical’ workplace and then found other artists like me who needed support. Genuine enablement through supported opportunities and specific adaptations are a powerful combination we use. 

I now know this to be a responsive and relational approach and will be writing about it in more detail for my Arts Council England project evaluations. I hope to publish some of our findings next year. 

NYFA: What are your favorite resources for neurodivergent artists looking to build community or navigate the art world? 

SB: There’s no substitute for trawling the internet and I’ve built my entire community by sharing work and spending untold hours in online research. Social media platforms can be game-changing for us, though of course we need ‘realtime' contacts too. 

Often virtual and realtime contact overlaps as relationships deepen. I think the usefulness of contacts and resources could be quite specific in each case. My advice would be to look for each other and look after each other—be generous and share skills. 

Even neurodivergent networks can seem distant and closed from the outside. The most effective antidote to professional isolation is to send powerful smoke signals online, from which you can seek out more local neurodivergent contacts. We’re growing in number as we discover identity 

Being safe online is an issue I’d like to mention. We can all be taken advantage of, so I would also counsel caution. Take things slowly and allow genuine connection and trust to build up. 

Regarding the art world, in the United Kingdom I recommend the wonderfully inclusive online artists network a-n Blogs, whose support has been exceptional including publishing articles about this topic! 

Viewing fantastic online art content when you can’t get to many shows provides inspiration and learning. I love to watch the Tate Modern YouTube channel, and I do follow many wonderful U.K. and international artists on Twitter and Instagram, which helps me keep in touch, 

But I feel it is vital that neurodivergent artists don’t get dispirited or compare themselves to more neurotypical artists so I watch the scene with a dispassionate eye. I’m interested in building from within and remaining authentic which includes valuing the unique qualities of our neurological status.

NYFA: What has mentorship meant for you, both as a mentee and a mentor?  

SB: Trust is at the heart of the mentor/mentee relationship, and it’s a real joy, not to say privilege. I believe such support in an art practice is underrated. We are supposed to know how to navigate an uncertain profession solo.

For myself it has led to professional progression where, despite some early breaks, the complexities of the art world would have thrown me entirely. In many ways it’s about lending experience and gently steering.

Mentoring is a fascinating process because you learn as much as your mentee in many ways. It has allowed me to deepen my understanding of neurodivergent challenge in the arts. 

NYFA: You’ve credited successes in your career in part to your “own autistic methods.” Do you have any thoughts on how artists can not only accept their individual differences, but celebrate them? 

SB: I really feel we have to embrace a ‘not broken’ philosophy. Some of the artists I work with have acquired huge reservoirs of self-doubt and even despair. Our first job is to realign some of this thinking. 

Sometimes it’s my job to sustain hope and provide consistency. Our sensory challenges and issues with executive function can make a practice feel fragmentary until we begin to piece it all together. 

The worry that you can never ‘finish’ a piece of work can be quelled if you understand that the process is what interests you most and you can begin to value this. Transformation from ‘failure’ to a more performative practice can take place. 

How we frame our creative lives to ourselves really matters. Reconnecting to the source of our creativity—our brains—as valid and useful is incredibly empowering. 

- Interview Conducted by Mirielle Clifford, Program Officer, Online Resources

Sonia Boué is an Anglo-Spanish visual artist based in the U.K. She holds degrees in History of Art (BA, Sussex University), and in Applied Social Psychology (MSc, Oxford University). She is also a trained Art Therapist (Sheffield Hallam University). This background informs her research-based multiform art practice, which focuses on themes of exile and displacement, with a particular interest in the Spanish Civil War.

Inspired by the NYFA Source Hotline, #ArtistHotline is an initiative dedicated to creating an ongoing online conversation around the professional side of artistic practice. Our goal is to help artists discover the resources needed, online and off, to develop sustainable careers.

This initiative is supported by the Emily Hall Tremaine Foundation.

Images, from top: Derek Fordjour (Fellow in Painting ’18); Angelina Gualdoni (Fellow in Painting ’08,’15)

[mainexiii]

Always Be With You Forever Day6 Young K x OC

“Soo hyun came back to Korea to see her family, it's been 5 years since she went to the U.S to study, as she stepped her feet in Korea, memories came flooding back, will she be able to forget the tragedy that almost cost her life and killed her boyfriend or a miracle will happen?“ Also posted in AO3 = Mainexiii

also.. im lazy asf so i did not prood read all of this, hence, a lot of grammatical errors coz English is not my primary language. 

I’m having this strange feeling when I walk out on the arrival area at the airport, Jinnie my younger sister waving at her hands rapidly as if I can not even see her, I smile at her and waves back. “Soo hyun! Woah, I really missed you”, teary eyed she hug me tight and kiss my right cheek. “ yuck! You just smudged your lipstick on me, come on!” we laughed and went out of the airport, I was wiping my cheek when Jinnie asked a lot of things about my 5 year vacation in the U.S, well, it’s not just a vacation, I barely lived there during my college years and never came back to Korea.. I did not answer her question and just continue to walked until we reach her car, the both of us are silent the trip to my house, it’s not easy to talk about what happened years ago, it’s too hard to recall my memories that I’ve kept hidden inside my brain just to survive. “Jinnie-ya..can we please not talk about the past? I’m still not ready okay? Please..for me?” you gaze at her direction at holds her other hand and squeeze it. She heaved a sigh and squeeze back my hand. “ Okay.. you know.. after all these years without contact from us and your friends, one of these days you’ll find out about something and you have to be prepare for it”. I was confused about what she’s talking about and just shrugged it off. “ Wait.. is mom setting up a man for me to marry?, if that what it is.. then drop me off right now” I giggled but Jinnie is damn serious right now. “I hope so tho, but unfortunately that not it. I want you to stay strong, okay? She smiled and opened the radio. I panicked at her sudden action “Turn it off!” I screamed at her and she immediately turned off the radio. Jinnie apologized and stopped the car, Jinnie tries to calmed me down by caressing my back, took a deep breath and fix my hair and make up,I don’t want to let my mom see me like this, still a mess after all these years away from home. I face Jinnie and smiled, “I’m fine, Jinnie .. I’m sorry for startling you, I know all for you are worried about me and I’m sorry for everything, I hope you understand what I’ve through. Jinnie hugged me tightly and smiled and gave me an understanding nod. I'm meeting my family at the province with takes three hours of driving, I went by so familiar places and I feel that my heart’s going to burts with all these happy and sad memories with him.

8 years ago when I met Young hoon, everybody calls him brian. We went to the same high school and I was a transferee, he was the class president and he was assigned to help me everything to adjust to the new school, he took me a tour around the whole campus and introduced to different clubs, he was very helpful and nice, obviously the whole class loves him. I was bullied once when I was on my way to home on my first day of class, the kids who seemed to be rebels are ganging up on me , they took my wallet and ripped my school bag thinking they’ll find anything worth to steal, I was frozen walking the whole time and a girl from my class pat me at my back “ Hey, is this yours?” she turned over my lost items including my money, the only thing I did was hugged her and cry. She laughs and hold both of my shoulder, “It’s okay! I already took care of those bitches, they wont bother you anymore” I nod still crying. “Stop crying will you!” she offered her hand and introduced herself, “ I’m Hana, and you must be Soo hyun right?” confused, i looked up at her cause she’s quite tall “how did you know me?” I asked, “ Girl, we’re on the same class!” she replied, “ Oh, I did’nt notice you” doubting that she’s lying. “Brian gave you a tour around the campus?” she asked as we start walking outside the skirts where the bitches brought me, I didn’t even know this place, i felt my cheeks hotness and touch them, I smiled at the thought of Brian, he’s tall, handsome and I’ll figure out the rest, I was smiling the entire time when Hana confronts me, “Yah! don’t tell me you like Brian too?” she stopped facing me crossed arms, what the hell? I’m having a rival here already?! I stare at her her blankly, “ So what? You like him too don’t you? I gave her a question look, “ Bitch no! Brian’s my first cousin so don’t worry, I smiled at her reply and continues to walked when I saw my parent’s car near our apartment. “oh my parent’s already here” I glanced at her and pointed our apartment, “ I lived there!” I smiled at her took her hand, “ I’ll introduced you to my parents sometime” she smiled and shake my hand, “okay sure, but to tell you honestly, Brian has alot of admirers so good luck my friend..” she laughs and I slapped her back. She fakes a pain and laugh again seeing my red face, “ that’s not it,! I don’t like him at all! “ we we’re laughing and my parents called me to go up now, I wave at them and says thanks to my new found friend.

We arrived at the the province and my whole family welcomes me outside the house. Mom walks towards me as I opened the car door and hugs me tightly, I didn’t know I was crying until she wipes my tears, “Thank you for coming back” mom whispers while crying, seeing my mom, dad and two other siblings in front of me wont let me stop crying , I missed them so much that it hurts, everything hurts. We went inside and talk about everything excluding him. The day went by so fast I forgot I'm jet-lagged, mom prepared me a tea to help me sleep. I just want to take a rest now, I hope I’ll dream of him again, that’s the only thing that keeps me reminding of his face, I wished every single day to see him even in my dreams only, I missed him so much I think I will never moved on.

I woke up and look at the time on my phone, it’s already 9 am and I’m so freaking hungry. I climb out of my bed and I noticed a wedding invitation card at my bedside table, I open it and sees the fancy gold emboss font “Kang Hana and Park Sungjin” wow, how did she even know I’m back.”They did really end up together huh,” you smiled and recall little memories with them. I did not open the entire invitation since I don’t have the guts to see them. I took a shower, letting the water run down my body and close the clog to let the water full up the bath tub, I closed my eyes and recall the memories with him, I have to be strong, it’s been 5 years and I just cant accept the fact that he’s gone, I tried dating during my college years but none of them worked out.

After a year of being friends with Brian I decide to make the first move, it’s our last year in high school and I don’t wanna missed the opportunity, I know there’s something going on between us, but we just keep it casual, we’ve spent a lot of time together, holding hands, bus trips while holding hands, eat at cafe’s holding hands, watch busking holding hands and more holding hands, that’s it. We we’re contented about us just like that. We exchange stories about everything at our school’s rooftop. We wants to be a singer someday, play with a band, he’s good at guitars, basses, he was already a trainee at a company so most of his time are just in school, us going out and training, he rarely sees his family since he have been living in the dorm with his soon to be members. It’s fun spending our youth just like that. When I got the courage to ask him out, he already plans something, he brought me to the roof top and picnic basket, he let me sit down and runs at the back of the corner of the roof top to get his guitar, I was so excited I cant stop smiling all the time, he tuned his guitar and smiles at me widely, that the best thing that I liked about him, his smile that can lit up a dark world. He started singing one of his original songs, I listened at him looked him in the face and mouth “ I like you”, he stopped singing and walk towards me giving me a peck on the lips, I squeel covering my whole flushed cheeks. We spent the whole afternoon talking about our future and to travel around the whole world, Brian loves travelling as much as I do, we planned to go to Busan, Daegu and Jeju Island after our graduation. It’s the last day of our graduation and made our first trip to Busan, I was so excited spending my time with him, we ate and ate, went to the beaches, visit historical site. That feeling can never be replace by anyone. We’ve visit a lot of libraries around Seoul preparing for our college exam, he used to say that he loves me everyday, but I cant let out those words because I was unsure if it’s already love I am feeling for him,” it’s okay if you still don’t love me, as long as you let me love you, I’m okay with that” he smiled and hold my hand. It’s been 6 months since we had a trip outside Seoul, I was busy at school while Brian is busy preparing for their debut, Brian is amazing at multitasking, he went to school while practicing his bass skills, he’s so amazing at managing his study hours, practices and me. He always had a time for me, I mean everything, we eat breakfast together since my dorm is also close to his. Even when I’m sick, he can still take care of me, and that’s when I realized that I have loved him all this time, unsure of the feeling .. I shook the bad thoughts away and said my first I love you on his birthday, He keep on jumping and took me by his arms, hugging tightly. He kissed me passionately and I feel my hot cheeks probably flaring at this new feeling, he pulls away and widely smiled at me, “ We should go now” he says holding my hand leading me down stairs and went outside, “ oh wait, my gift for you” I hand him the box containing a couple dream bracelet. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You greeted him again with a hug and attached the bracelet on his right wrist. “ Thank you, really,”he hugged me tightly, he love giving tight hugs, his a hugger.

After our final exam, we had planned going to Jeju Island, just for one day since it’s expensive going there. I had pack my bag and prep up myself and called Brian, “ Bri, where are you now” I asked, looking around to see if I miss anything. “I just arrived downstairs, you coming down now?” he replied. “yeah, see you downstairs” I locked up my door went went downstairs.

We arrived at Jeju Island , the both of us feeling excited, we started to wander around , asked some locals what to ride to go to our accommodation, we took the bus that travels for 30 minutes to our place, we’re both excited as we planned the whole trip for months, we listened to some music on his ipod when I notice the sky is getting darker, I was nervous when it started raining heavily, the bus driver went on slowly to avoid accidents. The traffic light went red and the bus stopped, I hold Brians hand and lean on his shoulder, he felt the tension and my hands are shaking, “ You okay? Are you cold?” he ask with a worry look. I just nod and he brings his arms around my shoulder to pull me closer. The traffic light went green and as the bus driver starts to drive, I heard a loud bang! And I black out..

chapter2

I woke up feeling my whole body aches, mom rushes to hold my hand and asked if I was okay. She was crying while calling the doctors. I didn't know what's happening, I only remember Brian and I was on the bus and I blacked out. Brian and I was involved in an accident , fortunately... I was okay ,nothing serious happened but Brian,  he was comatose. I felt my whole world turns into darkness, i immediately went to Brians room and cried for hours.

Days gone by, weeks turns into months...

Brian still not awake, he's condition is not getting good and i blame myself for it. If it weren't for me.. He would've been laying for months in this awful room.

I was with him the entire time, i helped his family taking care of him, i rarely went to school and because of it. . . Im about to fail all my subjects due to absences .

I went to my school to inform that I will be taking a break and also informed Brian's school. I went back to the hospital and as I was about to enter Brian's room , I heard the doctor and Brian's parents talking about his condition.They decided to end Brian's life support.

My whole world shattered .

How can they do this to their own son? !

How can they take a life without taking chances!

This is not fair !

I burst into the room and beg for chances, to give Brian chance to live. I was crying while tugging his mom's coat,

" please don't do this ! I beg you ! Please .."

We we're both crying the whole time and she explained to me the consequences if we let Brian stay like that forever ..

" Soo-ya, we dont want Brian to suffer too, his condition is not getting good his body is so weak right now . I dont want my child to suffer like this .." I saw the sadness and sorrow in her eyes, the pain of watching his son getting weak.. I also can not stand watching Brian suffer, but I can not let Brian lose his life without even trying. I won't .

But the decision is not mine to make.

They're going to end his life the day after. I have to be with him on that last day , my heart aches to much there's no tears left to cry .

My heart is too numb.

D-Day

Brian's whole family is waiting for me at the hospital, while me .. Still at home, crying my heart out, " I thought there's no tears left" I mumbled.

I get up packed my clothes and documents and book the earliest ticket and went straight to the airport.

Brian's mom keep on calling me but I ignored and sent everyone a message that I'm boarding bound to America and never to contact me. I turned off my phone and cried myself to sleep.

I just lost the love of my life and im going to a unfamiliar place and tried my best to forget him.. But how can i? When I left my heart and soul in Seoul .

I finished taking a shower and went outside to grab some brunch, I found a cafe that serves American brunch sets and went inside . I keep on thinking the wedding invitation, I miss my best friend so much and she might hate me forever if I wont go to her wedding, I don't know what to do anymore .

Someone sat infront of me, I raised my head and saw Hana crossing her arms while glaring at me . Im so shock I almost spit my food,  " Hana! " I get up and hug her . She hug me back and gave me a wide smile.

"I missed youu Soo-ya!!!! " we hugged tightly and sit down. " Soo! It's been years.." She said giving me a faint smile "I know.. It's been years and I missed you too,  and I'm sorry Hana ..for everything"

"I understand you Soo, I know the pain that you went through but it's not worth it,  you made yourself a mess,  after all these years, no one knows where on America are you, you wont let us comfort you, you completely shut us down in your life.. And im telling you Soo, all those tears .. It's not worth it."

The pain that i've felt all those years.. I know, i did not help myself overcoming it. It was so overwhelming i kept myself busy working and studying, just to forget Brian .

But it did not help, because at the end of the day.. Brian is the only one who i think of. My love for Brian is irreplaceable. I blame myself everyday until my heart don't let any people inside it.

"It's not worth it Soo, it's the time for you to moved on and be happy, because it's not your fault okay?" I tried to remain calm for a few seconds, i wont let my tears be visible for this is the day that i have to let my old self go and open a new door and let people inside it. I take Hana's hand and squeeze it "Thank you Hana, i'll try my very best"

We went outside the cafe and walk towards the parking lot, she have to run some errands for her wedding tomorrow and bid goodbye as she went inside her car.

As I was going to the opposite direction, Hana's car stopped beside me she roll down her window. "Soo! I have to tell you something tomorrow, please come okay?! It's very important and you deserve to know it, please come okay?" She said and I answer her with a smile and nod and . She smiled back and drive away.

I gather my thoughts about everything, it's time for me to moved on and be happy again it's been years and there's too many people that i've pushed away. I shouldn't let myself be forever like this, it's time to say goodbye to Brian.

It's Hana's wedding day at 12pm and there's still a lot of time for me to visit Brian's grave. But.. I dont know where he was buried. I'll just ask Hana later after the wedding.

I arrive at the wedding hall and went to the bride's room. Hana was talking a picture with my high school friends and i feel so guilty losing contacts with them, Hana notices me as well as my H.S friends, their faces look shocked to see me and turns into an apologetic smile, I composed myself and greet them warmly, they hug me tightly and atleast i felt that they really miss me.

I turn my attention to Hana and praised her with compliments, the girls and we're catching up when the Host is announcing to start the wedding, we went out of the room and went to our table. As the wedding starts , I wander if im seeing familiar faces at the event and my eyes landed on Brian's mom, she was looking at me and give me a warm smile and a nod, i smile back and my heart skip a beat seeing her, it was so nerve wrecking... I always feel so attached at Brian's mother, during my stay at the hospital she also takes care of me when my mom is not around, we share stories about Brian and our trips and i felt her happiness as we talk about Brian.. I shrugged memories away. On the middle of the wedding the announcer says that there will be a surprise perfomance of a band called Day6, I looked at Hana and her face turned pale while she look at me, I'm confused at the sudden reaction and I looked at my friends , seeing their faces the same reaction as Hana while looking at me, suddenly i feel nervous and ask what is happening. They can not answer me and just keep silent when another stage appear and there i saw a familiar man with four more people each holding their instruments, the band starts singing when the man holding a bass put it down and went in the middle of the stage and hug Hana while singing, I stand up to see a clearer view and i froze .

No way this is happening, i was still frozen when the man singing averts his eyes on me, i recognized the same eyes, nose and lips, it's Brian. It's Brian! How is this possible? He's dead! Brian..is dead. My tears started to fall and notice Brian's reaction, he give me a small smile and finished singing. My kness are weak and i grip the table to lean on, my friends help me to sit down, and tries to calm me.

How can i calm when the man i grieve for years is alive?! I can not gather my thoughts my mind went blank as i was about to leave the venue .. Someone stop me by holding my arm, i face that person and my heart shatters to see him this close to me. I just let my self cry as he holds both my shoulder , the overwhelming feeling makes me unconscious and I blacked out. Again.

Chapter 3

I woke up hearing different voices , i open my eyes and saw Hana still in her wedding dress.

"GOD SOO! YOU'RE AWAKE! she hugs me tightly and cry.

It wasnt a dream..

Hana explained everything , They we're supposed to end Brian's suffering on the day that i left, but Brian's mom change her mind and give another chance for Brian to wake up, they keep on calling me to tell me the news but i already went abroad. After a month of intensive prayers a miracle happened and Brian woke up. Yet they still cant reach me. After months on theraphy, Brian decided to went after me on America but i  never told them where i live even my family didn't know. Brian eventually became busy because of training and catching up homeworks for school, and tried to move on from me too. He debut in a band two years ago and became known globally, which ofcourse I did'nt know because I shut myself from the universe...

My mind went blank,  all those pain and rejection and guilt , those feelings that ruined me..i cried and cried until i calmed down, Hana left me in the hotel room and went back to the venue. I lay down overthinking about Brian, how do i react when i see him again, that..if he still wants to see me ,but i want to see him badly my heart aches for him,  he probably hate me for leaving him. I hate my self too. All these years of heart break, i feel so pathetic. I heard  knocks on the door, i went down the bed and open the door...and Brian stands there, I took a step backwards as he went inside and lock the door. I can only hear our breathing standing face to face ,no one tries to speak.

We just stare at each other,when he took a step forward and holds my hand. The moment our skin touches all the memories with him came flashing back and all i can do is cry. He pulls me in a tight hug as i sob inside his arms. I keep on crying on his shirt as i feel the warm liquid on my head, i look up at him and saw him crying too. We cried in each others arms, we lay down the bed, he hugs me closer and stroke my hair still crying. No talking just tight hugs.

Chapter 4 Brian’s POV

After the accident i woke up in the hospital and never saw soo hyun again.. She went away unknowingly what happend to me , she thinks IM DEAD. We can not contact her phone, email we didnt even know her address in the states. She shut everyone down. Occationaly she sent letters to her family without the return address. That's the only communication that they have. She never came back.

I tried hard to finished my studies and training and finally i debuted with my band. I still cant forget her i think i will never forget her , she took my heart with her and i never dated anyone else , my friends even think im gay . Everything reminds me of her, my dream bracelet, the rooftop, the shirts she gave me on special occations, our favorite restaurant, she's everywhere. I cried so many sleepless nights thinking about her, i miss her so damn much . And eventually i set aside my feelings and focused on my work and studies ,and i graduate finally, i think of her every single day, so many what if's, she might be happy right now, she must've moved on . Thinking about her with another man makes my heart beats faster, i should be with her, she should be with me celebrating life. But she never came back.

It's Hana's wedding day, im not supposed to be at her wedding because of conflict of schedules but it was cancelled so i went and surprised her.

But i was the one whose surprise.

Soo hyun, the love of my life, is here.

We made eye contact, i can see her eyes full confusion, hurt, mixed emotions. I smile at her and she rushed to the door. I chase her calling her name and grab her arms, she froze standing looking at me and cry. As i was gonna hug her she collapsed.

I went to her room after Hana explained everything, she cried and cried as I hug her tightly . God i missed her so much i cried along with her, we didnt talk and i just let her cry her heart out. She fell asleep still sobbing. I watch her intently, i still cant believe it's her, i never thought she's coming back into my life again, she must've felt guilty about the accident she blamed herself all these years thinking that i was dead.  

"I'm sorry you went all through that" I stroked her hair, planting small kisses, i hug her tightly and she open her eyes, looking at me without blinking ,intently fixed her gaze on me, i smile at her and touch her cheeks..

"It's not a dream right?" She kissed my hand

"No babe, i'm real and alive" I cupped her cheeks and trails small kisses on her face and gently kiss her lips.

"I think it's time for us to be happy, you should let go all the burdens, let's start a brand new chapter of our life,okay? I missed you babe, i missed you a lot" i kissed her again this time passionately to let her feel safe and that im here with her.

" I love you Bri, thank you for being alive"

" I love you more Soo, thank you for coming back"

[notcatherinemorland]

follow up to my giant text block of exposition about alternative fashion; i forgot how into all of this stuff i used to be??? also this got LONG

i used to spend hours on google images looking at lolita style/ ‘kawaii fashion’ - like that used to be a saturday for me. thought it was amazing. (i was like 14, i didn’t have a clue how to social media nor actually find sites. dreamwidth was beyond my capabilities lmao) the brands tended to pass me on by - only 2 i ever remembered were AP & bttsb - but dear lord the ruffles and silhouettes and skirts and bows - honestly i forgot how much this style fascinated me when younger (when younger, hah. i still bloody love it.) 

but i also fell in love with the ‘j-fashion’/ ‘harajuku-meets-converse’ side of the coin. couldn’t act on it, naturally, i was still a kid, and by the time i had any financial autonomy, i had boxed this all up into my “anime phase”.. but dear lord the clothes!! are so pretty!! and i always think they’re so special and different to western highstreet YA fashion, bc ya know - western perspective. and zero idea what culture is like anywhere but the UK. i don’t know how they make white turtlenecks so pretty but hooooly smokes i need 12.

i mean, ok, this whole ‘sudden’ (not sudden at all, i actually bloody love fashion) shift to alternative fashion could very much be brought on by the insecurities i’ve stumbled into at university about not being all that vibrant a person and fearing coming across as dull and insipid, instead wanting to preemptively prove a point that i’m internally interested by reflecting that outside myself with frilly dresses.

point being; i’ve always straddled that line between expressing myself through clothing and fearing i’m hiding myself behind it, even tho so many people can attest they feel comfortable in clothing they love, i still fear i’m the exception that hides in it. but then, i’m also one of those people who can’t wear one of those tulle/chiffon skirts ironically. something about me just doesn’t work with it. (that something is 16 years of dance lessons and a genuine love of pointe, i was a ballet kid so any tutu style skirt just looks and feels like dress up)

its very strange feeling my aesthetics remain the same, but the way i go about thinking about it changing quite a bit. i’m excited to see the outcome, actually.

so turn of thinking has started to shift away from: what’s cute, fits and suits, and yet remains along the middle ground of nice. towards i’m going to wear something i want to because i want to. and because its cute and it fits with what i catagorise as ‘my style’ (meaning, ivory tower champagne aesthetic on a lemonade budget, with rements of my emo kid phase and converse-middle ground crowd-pleaser aesthetic.) (.... which is t-shirt, leather jacket, nice dark jeans / overlarge jumper and skinny jeans with gold jewellery.)

aaaanyway. gonna buy pretty shirts. mostly going off youtuber recs for websites to buy from, so lets see how this goes i guess. 

also no @ future me - this isn’t a resolution. more grabbing an opportunity whilst i can, so if it goes hideously wrong i can blame it on new years fucking me up ;o but also like, i’m young, i can make mistakes. i’ve got a whole life worth of mistakes to make. what does it matter bitch, read some douglas adams. universe is ginormous and vast and we’re tiny little specs in the history of it. wear the damn shirt and make yourself happy.