#and I’ve had. not the best past few
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“Ellie?”
She had kept herself closed off most of the day, doing as much as skipping meals, not sketching, and declining their routine movie night.
Joel turned the knob, opening the door only slightly. “Ellie?”
“What?” She bit. She was around the corner, still in bed.
He bit his cheek. “Can I come in?”
She sniffled, a mumbled yeah from around the corner to let him know it was okay. He entered, keeping the door somewhat open behind him. He found her on her back, covers pulled up to her shoulders as she stared at the ceiling, counting imaginary stars.
The look on her face was a sure sign, as any, that things were not good.
He sat by her feet, the corner of the mattress sinking down as he sat, her feet following suit and lightly falling against his lower back.
“Do you need something?”
Joel inhaled and exhaled. He kept his hands awkwardly in his lap. “I wanted to check up on you.”
“Why? I’m fine,” she grumbled, eyes still glued to the ceiling.
“You sure?”
She wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t fine. Every possible thought about Joel, Tommy, Maria, Riley, Sam, or Henry that wasn’t positive made its way to the forefront of her brain, twisting everything she knew about them. Making her believe things that she was sure weren’t true. Convincing her of truths that were hard to shake.
Everything is still so new to them. Young and needing navigation and direction. Their relationship and being together now, no plan in sight of leaving or disregarding the other.
She has someone in her life now who cares about her. Who has cared about her for over a year. Someone who dedicates every single day to being present. Who always makes breakfast for the two of them. Someone who holds her when she cries and who lifts her up even higher when she’s happy. Who carries her to bed when she needs it and finds her new comics when he’s outside the walls. Who protects her at every moment and encourages her to eat and shower when she struggles.
Someone who loves her.
And that revelation is what makes these days even harder.
“Hey…” he nudged, turning his body slightly more towards her. “What’s goin’ on, baby?”
Ellie sighed, closing her eyes tightly, waves of colors forming in the black of her vision the harder she squeezed. She opened them, her eyesight wavering as tears pooled at her eyelids. The imaginary stars on the ceiling kept her gaze, still avoiding Joel’s concern.
“Today just… hasn’t been good.”
And while he knew it, hearing it from her still hurts to know. Whatever happened, it hurts to know she’s struggling.
“I think it’s been little worse than hasn’t been good.” It felt inappropriate to point out her near crying and the tight-lipped expression on her face in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.
“I’m just… having fucked up thoughts,” she sighed, tracing all the constellations she knew into the white of the ceiling.
Joel didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say.
Neither of them were the best at talking. Sharing something that pissed them off, frustrated them, or upset them and navigating that conversation in a healthy manner always felt like forcefully pulling teeth before they ever broke the surface of the gums.
Joel hopes his silence is an invitation for her to continue. He wants to help, to walk through what bothering her with her.
“I…,” she started, choking slightly on the syllable. “I feel like people don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t…love.”
Joel tilted his head to the side, eyeing her avoidant gaze.
Ellie brought her hand up and wiped it across her right temple. Her voice wavered, her lip quivering as she spoke, “me.”
Joel had an inclination, but hearing it still hurt all the same.
“I feel like people…” she paused, sniffled heavily. She lazily raised her arm off the bed in his direction, “you… don’t.”
Frustrated, Ellie sat up, her back making content with the headboard harder than she intended. She locked eyes with him momentarily before avoiding his gaze again, fixing hers around the room. Her dresser, a heap of clothes on the floor, her blinds, and the open door.
She stopped keeping her head upright and let the crown of her head fall back, banging against the headboard. She sighed, a wet, embarrassing laugh escaping her. “I… I know. I know you do. I do. But sometimes, I just… get convinced you don’t.”
She fiddles with her hands in her lap as her tears threaten to spill over, Ellie massaging her fingers and cracking her knuckles, even with nothing left to crack. She picks at her cuticles and nails uncomfortably, clearing her throat to get rid of the tight burning that has coated it.
“What convinces you?” Joel asked, his eyes looking twenty years younger—like he’s talking to someone else entirely. Like he’s held a similar conversation before.
His question stumps her.
And she realizes it’s nothing. Nothing has ever convinced her. Nothing could convince her that Joel doesn’t care about her. Nothing could ever truly convince her that Joel doesn’t love her.
He may get frustrated over something. He may be extra tired some days. He may spend a little more strength some days fighting his own demons that it’s hard to be there 100% for her.
But those things don’t mean he doesn’t love her. They don’t mean he wouldn’t lay down his life for her at any given moment. They don’t mean he doesn’t look at her with anything less than adoration, devotion, and appreciation for who she is. Who she is and what she has come to mean to him.
“Have I ever done anything-“
She cut him off. “No. No, no. Fuck no, never.” She threw the crown of her against the headboard again, a few tears spilling down the side of her face and flowing along her jawline. She hastily wiped them away, clearing her throat.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I… don’t think I deserve it or something. So I look at you or Tommy or I… I remember Riley or Sam or anyone else and I… I think they don’t—didn’t care.”
She knows they do. Riley—she knows. Sam she knows. Henry, too. Tommy and Maria—she knows. Joel—he she knows better than any of the others.
“I remember them or I…” she brought her head down from her gaze on the ceiling and looked at him, clearly, for the first time. “I look at you and I wonder why.”
She cries. Her lips pressed together, not enough breath in her lungs to combat the tears falling down her face and slipping down her neck, soaking the collar of her shirt. She wipes and wipes and wipes until her tear-soaked hands can’t catch anymore and they flow freely. She dries her hands on her sheets and it’s still not enough to catch every single one.
Joel moves quickly, his right hand lightly on her shin as he reaches his left out towards her, keeping it held right above her lap for her to feel.
She can barely see, and yet she reaches out, knowing he’s there. Trusting he’s there.
She grabs his left hand with her right, holding it until her knuckles turn white and it hurts. Until it stings and her fingers go numb. Until her hand shakes and the blood flow is cut off from her fingertips.
He moves his right hand from her shin to press a fist into the mattress on the other side of her, scooting himself closer to her. He settles closer to her, bringing his right hand up her shoulder and eventually finding its home on her cheek. He strokes his thumb across it, more tears falling as she leans into it. She turns her head into it, her lips in his palm as he continues wiping her tears.
He pulls his hand back from her face and brings it to her other cheek, sliding his knuckles across to clear the streaks of tears. He returns his hand back to her other cheek, lightly scratching at the roots of her hair on the back of her neck.
Ellie grabs the collar of her shirt with her left hand, wiping the snot from her nose and using any drier part of her shirt to dry her neck and chin.
Joel lifts his left hand to bring up to her face, but a mumbled, snotty no keeps it in her lap, Ellie still clutching it.
She continues to sniffle, finally opening her eyes to see Joel looking back at her, a streak down the left side of his face, right by his ear.
“I’m sorry,” she says, quickly averting her gaze from his.
He smiles slightly, rubbing those all-comforting circles with his thumb over hand. He brings his hand up from her cheek as she closes her eyes, using two fingers to drag hairs down her forehead and tuck them behind her ear.
They didn’t need to be tucked away—but the affection always comforts her.
She takes his right hand in her left, bringing it down into her lap next to their other hands. She watches their hands intently as she rubs circles on his with her right hand and he rubs circles on hers with his right.
“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her attention. It does, and she looks up at him. The tug on the corner of his lips reaches his eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“No it’s… it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be crying over something I know isn’t true…”
“You know it’s not true?”
She inhales a shaky breath and exhales one just as heavy. She focuses on it, keeping any other tears down as best she can through controlled breathing.
“Yeah. Yeah I… I know.” She pauses for another breath. “But sometimes it’s… fucking difficult. I don’t…” she hesitates, shaking slightly, “I don’t want to look at you and wonder why.”
She chokes, wiping her cheek on the shoulder of her shirt. She feels her back against the headboard and adjusts slightly, rolling her shoulder blades over it.
She looks up at him. His eyes still hold that twenty-year-old look. They glisten because of the tears gathered in them, and the loving smile that hasn’t quite reached his lips has already hit his eyes.
“I’ll remind you. Every day, if I have to—if you want me to. Even if you don’t, I might jus’ have to-“
She laughs—giggles—at that. He laughs too, the kind of laugh that resides deep in his chest. The one that sounds better through his rare toothy smile. The laugh she only hears so often. The laugh when he thinks he’s done something right. The almost triumphant laugh when he seems to have cheered her up.
Ellie smiles, watching his own unwavering smile. “You can, if you think about it. I mean, I won’t expect it every day. If you forget some days, it’s fine. I’m not-”
“Ellie.”
“Sorry.”
Joel takes note of her. The dried tears along her cheeks. Her red and puffy eyes. The way her nose is red. The soaked collar of her shirt.
He doesn’t want to see her like this again. Not over thoughts like this.
“Will reminding you help? You know… keep thoughts like this away?”
She opens her mouth to speak, but it hits her that she doesn’t know. She’s never been positively reminded, certainly not daily, that someone cares for and loves her. No one’s been constant enough to tell her the truths she missed out on as a child. No one’s stuck around long enough for them to mean anything. No one has ever loved her enough to say them and mean them. Nothing other than doubt, hesitation, or reluctance has followed such reminders.
“I don’t know. I think, I… I hope. I don’t know, I’ve… never had someone who did something like that.”
He doesn’t frown at the thought, but his smile fades. Sadness, disbelief at the thought, the truth that she’d never had this before. “Well… we can try it out. You can tell me if you hate it ‘n we can try something’ else.” He smiled again as he rubbed more circles along her hands. “Sound fair?”
She smiles, tears welling at her eyes again. One spills over, Ellie fervently nodding in response to Joel’s question before too many more tears follow.
He lets go of her left hand and opens his arm up, welcoming her in. She scoots into him, tucking her body against him. She lets her legs freely fall into his as she leans against his body, his right arm coming across her back and holding her shoulder tightly. She keeps her face hidden away as best she can in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her right hand finds the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric back and forth between her fingers.
Joel kisses her head, leaving his lips pressed into her hair briefly. “I just… I don’t want this to become something you know is true. Cause it ain’t.”
“It won’t. I… I know it’s not true.”
He kisses her head again, a muffled good reverberating through her. He rubs her upper arm a few times.
“Come here,” he says, letting go of her shoulder and standing up.
She smiles shyly, standing up and wasting no time to hold on to him, her arms wrapping around his middle and settling behind his back. She rests her ear right over his heart, the thump-thump drowning the world out. Drowning her thoughts. Her feet stand in between his, Ellie attempting to get as close to him as she can.
Joel, just like every time before and every time to come after, keeps a steady hand across her back and one behind her head, carefully threading his fingers through her hair. He tilts his head down, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.
He sways them gently, covering her back in hand-drawn lines, circles, and a myriad of other shapes. “This is your first reminder.”
She giggles at that.
Something bubbles in her chest. A fire. Butterflies—as cheesy as she thinks that is—it fits. It tickles, in a way. It reaches her finger tips and warms her skin. It helps her breathe easier and keeps her heartbeat beat in rhythm with his. It slows her thoughts and relaxes her shoulder. It lets her relax completely against his embrace.
The reminder is there. The reminder of his care and protection, no matter what. The reminder of the steadfast, uncompromising, sacrificial love that he has for her.
#this is uh#incredibly personal#probably the most personal thing I’ve posted#I’ve never personally been comforted like this#but the way Ellie feels is how I do#pretty much every single day#and it’s not like it’s ever been made evident to those in my life#especially my family#so I’ve never been comforted over it and it still haunts me into adulthood#and I’ve had. not the best past few#weeks? just a lot of thinking and dilemmas and a lot of things and it’s been kind of emotionally and mentally draining#and then my period started and#just about every single thing today has gone bad so#I’ve been crying a while. I just don’t feel well currently and more or less projected#this like 2400 words but it probably won’t go on ao3 bc of how personal it can be to me?#I don’t know I’ll have a real fic out in a few days#anyway sorry this is probably heavy#L writes
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thank you for the tag @fxreflyes this is so cute, except the format is trying to hinder my propensity to ramble, so i’ve rectified this in the tags lmao
i’m over 5'5 / i wear glasses or contacts / i have blonde hair / i often wear sweatshirts / i prefer loose clothing over tight clothes / i have one or two piercings / i have at least one tattoo / i have blue eyes / i have dyed or highlighted my hair / i have or have had braces / i have freckles / i paint my nails / i typically wear makeup / i don’t often smile / resting bitch face / i play sports / i play an instrument / i know more than one language / i can cook or bake / i like writing / i like to read / i can multitask / i’ve never dated anyone / i have a best friend i’ve known for over five years / i am an only child
no pressure tags for @static-radio-ao3 @inevitablestars @itsjaywalkers @carniferous @orbitfalls @transsexualpriest @futurequibblerjournalist <333
#i'm like 5'7 i think. fun fact i used to wear glasses when i was like 11 bc all my friends were getting glasses and i wanted some too so i#lied to my optician. lol good times. don't actually need glasses tho soooo.#this is me coming out as a natural blonde guys….. like my hair hasn’t been blonde in a good year or so and it hasn’t been my natural blonde#in like three/four years but still in my heart of hearts i identify as a blonde. like i get confused when people don't count me as one#i have my ears and nose pierced and i would love a tattoo but unfortunately i have both a fear of needles and commitment issues so.#not sure if that’ll ever happen… would be very hot and sexy tho. also i'm one of those freaks with green eyes lol it's appaza quite rare#my hair is currently like dark dark brown… have been getting the itch to dye it again tho like a kinda reddish colour idk yet we’ll see#i had braces for AAGES. i have freckles in the summer and i paint my nails whenever i remember to. rn they’re a very chipped lilac colour#i think i have a resting bitch face but i can never tell tbf like it might be more of a resting 'dead to the world' face lmao#okay technically i don’t play an instrument anymore! but in the past i’ve dabbled with the cello the oboe and the xylophone. singing too#spanish and italian baybee although ig if this means like fluently then that’s not me but this is literally my degree it’s my whole brand#yes i like to read but also the only things ive read in like the last few months have been either books in spanish/italian for my degree#literary criticism for said span/ital books and… fanfic. so. also i like writing but it's my worst enemy rn the thoughts aren't working :(#i have many best friends that i’ve known for years!!!! in fact i've known some of my friends for like my entire life it's very cute#okay sorry for rambling i can never help myself and i also literally could go on icl like there was Some restraint applied here#kara lore#bc there's quite a lot of it in this one lol#tag games
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you know when you’re travelling and you just start craving a food from home? for me I’m missing good asian food 😭
#txt#i miss living 3 min away from one of the best Vietnamese takeout places in my city 😭 and having so many good Asian restaurants so close by#idk like there are still Asian restaurants here of course but they don’t quite hit the same#maybe I’m just not finding the good places lol#i have had some really really good seafood here tho which is not surprising#also i’ve been trying not to eat out every night just cause it gets expensive#but I’ve been splurging the past few nights 🫣#i rationalise it by only eating pastries or weird little snack meals for every breakfast and lunch agshdjfk
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I’m not entirely sure how to word this correctly cuz brain currently scrampled egg but I feel like being on the aro/ace spectrum as a transfem is incredibly frustrating when the majority of online transfem spaces are very hypersexual
Like on one hand, trans women are constantly told by society that they’re undesirable except when they’re objectified and chased, so the act of taking their sexualization into their own hands is super important and I’m legitimately glad that trans girls can find spaces online where they can be unabashedly horny in a liberating way.
On the other hand, you can’t look up “transgender” on this site without getting 80% porn bots and 20% discourse, I can’t share [animal]girl[bodypart] blogs to my ace friends without them being jumpscared by the most recent post being uncensored explicit imagery, and a big chunk of the online white anglo-centric transfem culture now is being super horny, alongside NEET-posting, blahaj, and striped socks.
Like I’m on the ace spectrum but I’m sex-positive and not bothered by the horny stuff so it doesn’t affect me too much. But I cannot imagine how alienating it must feel to be aromatic, asexual, and/or sex-repulsed as a transfem and your only other option is the sanitized, infantilized “uwu im anxious eepy baby with shark plush” meme-space. And I’m aware that HRT affects libido — ever since I started it, it’s definitely gone up, so I can’t blame people for needing an outlet.
I mean I guess that speaks to how you can never be “truly” inclusive in a space because something will always be exclusive to another person. Idk I just wish the world was safer for transfems from all walks of life, and there were more spaces for us to be proud of ourselves without it falling into “super horny”, “discourse”, or “ultra-sanitized”.
#I’ve had these thoughts for a while now#like for the past month or two I’ve kept thinking about all this stuff#partially inspired by the fact that one of my best friends is a sex repulsed ace transfem#(if you’re reading this hi i love you)#and just feeling … idk. like she deserves better I guess?#I can’t speak for how the transmasc culture is since I’m not transmasc#from what I’ve seen it appears somewhat the same?#of either ‘you’re a smol bean uwu’ or ‘you’re a hunky sexy man’ with no in between#but I won’t assume that’s how it is just from those few things I’ve seen#idk it just really seems like being aro/ace/sex repulsed means that the internet is actively hostile to you#and you can’t engage in your identity without it being discourse in some way#and yes I realize the irony of saying that on a post like this#‘20% of transgender posts are discourse’ I complain as I write up a discourse-bait post lmao#please don’t actually discourse on this post I’m just tryna get my thoughts out
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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Cannot sleep :/
#just pav things#lying awake here with Inigo meta thoughts#specifically the nuances of why he never intervened when Archie and Dism were fighting#He is torn between these two ideas of reality— whether Archie is dead or alive. That is true.#But eventually the latter idea takes more of a foothold; which is just a recipe for mental disarray#It’s a break from the comfortable cycle of self-hatred and destruction. So this new thought has to be counteracted to maintain inertia#So as I understand it he’s now caught on those lingering feelings of abandonment that Archie has left him with. and he is Not Happy.#Because just as he interpreted himself as being a replacement for Dism#He’s interpreting Archie and his little motley crew as a further refusal to move on from the past#And because Inigo acts on impulse (as seen best with the 💥 arm getting blown off) he’s using that momentary anger#to distract himself from the core issue as he lashes out ✨#He’s kind of a hypocrite that one. Stresses the importance of embracing unpleasant memories as a fundamental part of your character#(To the point of berating Idyllia for going the total memory wipe route instead)#but he is ALSO an escapist at heart. Neither of them want their definition of pain so they both have terrible routines to try avoiding it ✌#I’m sorry if this made no sense Dolphin I will probably do a retake with more braincells in the next few days#You know I’ve been analysing the design of this kindergarten in sydney for VCD#It’s called Nubo. Now I’ve always had a fondness for Scandinavian aesthetics but this is PEAK#So I went down a research rabbit hole and I came out of it with a clear concept for what Amonea Montessori School should feel like!#It’s this sort of cross-concept between stereotypical Australian architecture and hygge#Those oak panels and muted colours and glass everywhere#And I can carry through to an overall unique visual identity for Amonea#After all Byrgir should feel similarly detached from Earth in it’s own subtle ways#Tapping more into solarpunk and that overall comforting feeling for Amonea in particular~#I’m so happy :D
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I just need to get better at remembering that I have so many wonderful friends who love me and want me in their lives who I also love and want in my life which is easier said than done because even with all the reassurance in the world it’s easy to think it’s not true or dwell on past failed relationships as like being indicative of my current ones
#deity dialogue#my past relationships aren’t my current ones it’s just hard to believe#I think it’s especially because my ex best friend (who I hold no ill will against I genuinely wish them the best) and I had our friendship#end not so greatly also like. I’m glad the relationship ended because it was unhealthy for the both of us n all but like that amongst other#failed relationships including the ones I ended myself just make me scared that I’m the problem and unfit to be in relationships and to be#wanted and loved#I feel like i ask too much and expect too much and just overall am too mcuh#but I also feel like im not enough and could do more and if I did more if I wasn’t so bad at this that my relaitonships wouldn’t end and I#wouldn’t get hurt again but idk maybe there’s just only so much I can do without hurting myself more in the process and also accidentally#hurting others#it just sucks#I want to feel happy and secure in all my relationships and for my friends to feel the same way but I don’t know if anyone does.#I feel like some realtionships are failing or simply already quietly failed and it’s my fault and I don’t know what to do#and it makes me genuinely so sad and idk how to make it stop#I’ve discussed how I feel with a few friends but unfortunately there’s only so much any of us can do#I’m just trying to focus on like being happy and a good friend as best as I can and I can only hope that my friends feel like I am a good#friend#I feel like whenever I get told nice stuff by my friends that it’s like. not true or that I’ve manipulated them to feel that way.
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literally actually shouldn’t even be posting this, but like. y’all.
there’s a tiny itty bitty chance i might be getting promoted soon.
#like. ‘soon’ being in the BIGGEST quotation marks#but like. it could maybe possibly actually happen in the next few months potentially????#bc apparently the main reason it hadn’t happened yet was my manager being uninformed about how long i had to be working in my position#to be qualified#which like. fair. she’s new#(i’ve known the whole time - but it’s FINE!!!!!!)#but yeah anyway we talked about it and i just now sent her the links to the past job postings with the real time requirements on it#(which i have done twice over by now)#so like. ???????????#MAYBE????????????????????#i really truly don’t want to get my hopes up because i have been let down SO many times in this job#but my new manager is cool and legitimately wants the best for my coworker and i#so. Perhaps.#that’s all i can say for now#but here is HOPING.
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now that i finally have more free time i am going to write sooo much tllr stuff and also draw and i am very excited
#i’ve been soooo busy for the past few months#not anymore!#TLLR TIME!!!!#if anyone’s wandering what i’ve been up to#i was in a spongebob musical my school was doing#it was so fucking fun i literally had the best time and im sad it’s over#but now i have more time to focus on my ocs so it’s a win win!!#:D#i was larry the lobster by the way#wyrms says stuff
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Love having low self esteem bc when I get treated like shit for no good reason and people talk about me behind my back and say awful things about my character that I KNOW are unfounded and I KNOW I did nothing wrong I still am like “damn…. Maybe I’m a bad person”
#IM NOT#IM REALLY NOT#IM NOT PERFECT AND I MAKE MISTAKES AND THERE ARE THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY#but I genuinely did not do anything to these people#and not only do they still make me feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing to them#they then gossip and bad mouth me with someone who I thought was my best friend#the girl who was supposed to be my maid of honor#that I shared my past with and my future#the person I’ve cried with and laughed with#who I’ve held while she had breakdowns and was supposedly supportive in mine#I can’t believe our several several years together are now at end over people you’ve only known for a few months#i’m destroyed#devastated
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*kicks down the door dramatically*
Hey :)
*drops these off and backflips away*
CRYING AND MELTING INTO A PUDDLE ON THE FLOOR /POS
*holds them gently* they’re so…..so…..damn precious oh my god-
MMM the lil deity au embrace is so beautiful and ethereal I love so much <33
Pirate au OUGH SHINYA’S FACE EHEHE <333333333333
AND THE LIL HORROR BFS OMG- TSUNAGU LOOKS SO CUTE AAGGHH!!!!!!!
GAH thank you so much for blessing my inbox with these, I can’t stop looking at them I love your lil drawings so much <333
#tw caps#bnha#best jeanist#edgeshot#edgejeanist#hakamada tsunagu#kamihara shinya#eclair’s aus#pirate au#corrupt horrors au#fallen deities au#ough your art is always amazing thank you for these#genuinely can’t stop looking at them#I feel so blessed to have your amazing lil doodles of my favourite aus thank you#I’ve been super busy and stressed these past few days bc of university hunting and stuff#so haven’t had much time to make draw or write anything and I do apologise for that y’all!!#but thanks#this made me feel a lot better <3
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//Does this blog still rp?
Honestly, I want to say yes, but I’ve not been online for a good few reasons:
1.) My laptop isn’t really functioning well. It’s old.
2.) I do work full time and have health issues that kick my ass and leave me exhausted.
I am trying to find time to become properly active, as I hadn’t logged in here in a while. However if you wanted to discuss plots or threads, I’d be willing to do that through the mobile app.
#;( * where you will find me. | & ooc. )#// honestly I love my muse a lot#// I’ve written her for a very long time now#// and I don’t want to lose her but I’ve just not had the best of luck this past few years.
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my cat died today and only one friend reached out to me about it and it made me really sad
#tw pet death#i just don’t know how to approach this situation so this is the best i got rn#i haven’t posted about harley on here because i use this account for funny stuff but it’s the only place where most of them won’t see or#feel attacked or whatever#cause my goal isn’t to attack them it just made me really fucking sad#they’ve known about me taking care of Harley and her cancer for the past few weeks and known how deeply upset I’ve been about it#it really hurt to have to go through this and see some of the people closest to me not even message me condolences#or ask if im ok#and this all sounds so conceited and self-centered and that’s why i just don’t know how to approach this situation#idk. i hope i can figure something out tomorrow#if you see this teresa thank you so so much again for reaching out to me#milan of course has been great to me too#but it does make me so very sad that on this unspeakably painful day i had more random people ive never spoken to wish me well and not my#friends. but again i know i sound fucking selfish with all of this so I don’t know where to go#anyway#goodnight
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*
#oh my god oh my god oh my god#my old Econ professor from my ma#who emailed me a few weeks ago with a call for chapters he thought I should submit for#just sent me another message#apparently he’s an editor on the New Palgrave Dictionary of Economics#and he convinced the head editor#that I should be invited to write two articles#on an economist and an economic historian that I’ve done work on in the past#I’ve never ever been published before#and now I’m going to be published in one of the most important and prestigious publications in the field#!!!#I can’t even believe it#and I can’t imagine what he had to do to get them to agree to this#because it’s rare to see an entry by a PhD student in one of these#never mind a first year who’s on the way young side to be in this type of program#this might be the best day ever#Dr. D is my hero#cannot wait to call my parents and surprise them with the news#or tell my advisors and all of my friends#not the stones#me stuff
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Mental Health Check for the Ghesties! How we doin'?
uh
ive been better
ik i like never respond positively to these asks, I’m sorry whoever you are
but thank you for asking <3
also sorry to those who’ve tagged me in tag games the past while too, i do like them but between working for the past 14 days straight and some more not good things happening irl i have not had time to do them and now i probably won’t find them
#tw for death/illness/unalive thoughts for these tags ig#idk if I’ve mentioned it but#my dad has dementia diabetes lung issues heart issues has fallen/has had strokes and has been on dialysis for 2 years now#long story but we had to put him in assisted living a few months ago#bc we couldn’t take care of him at home anymore he’d fall or try and do things he shouldn’t#(ie drive when he says himself he can’t see and has only 1 working eye)#or didn’t control his bowels/bladder#would cuss us out tell us to go to hell etc#so he’s been there for a while where they are trained to take care of people like that#and he wouldn’t be alone while we are at work and stuff#but he hates it and last time I visited him there he said he didn’t want to be in this world anymore and said how he wanted to step in front#of a bus and stuff which did not help the guilt I already feel about him having to be there#but there is no choice if he didn’t have to be there he wouldn’t be we don’t have the money to pay for it#and now he’s been in and out of the hospital several times over the past few weeks#and went again Monday bc they thought he had another stroke (slurring his words/not walking straight and other things)#they found out he didn’t but what they thought was wrong has been treated and he’s not better#and now they’ve discussed him going to a nursing home or even hospice#but they so far have no plans of discharging him so he’s obviously not doing good#and that’s on top of other things that i don’t feel like i should even complain about when that is going on#so yeah I am not doing the best tbh#been trying not to think about it bc every time I do i feel like either throwing up or crying or both#sorry for the tag info dump#delete later#probably#asks
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Me when people reblog my fics
#go spread that love#honestly the past few days have been insane I dunno what’s happened but the love is insane#I have never felt like I’ve had that amount of love but the World Cup has been the best thing because you seem to love every thing and#it warms my heart
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