#and I've already been backsliding a bit this week

[cbk1000]

Health update: so, I've finished my first week back at work. It went really well; Mr. Jenn and I rigged up my desk so I would be able to recline and still see my monitors and work if I needed to lie down during the day, but I haven't actually felt the need to use the reclining chair at all. I'm PMSing and about to start my period, which is usually when I backslide a bit and some of my symptoms flare up/get worse, but mostly this week I've just had a bit of chest pain and tightness, and it's not too been too bad. Wednesday I had a bit of chest pain but by the end of the day felt well enough to try a very short, five-minute HIIT workout. I did manage it, though it was a pretty sad showing. lmao

The last couple of days I actually really haven't had any chest pain, and today I felt well enough to try out a seven-minute HIIT workout, with the plan to do a separate, five-minute ab HIIT workout if I felt able to continue after the first workout. I did; of course I did not go nearly as hard as I used to and paid close attention to make sure I really felt I could keep going and wasn't just pushing myself out of sheer stubbornness, but I was able to finish both workouts (with a few minute break in between, to be on the safe side). My chest and throat still feel a little tight and I was slightly lightheaded afterward, but very mild symptoms overall. I'm eager to see how I feel once I get through my period, because that's when I start the slow, uphill battle again, and I've already felt almost normal the last couple of days at a time when I'm usually feeling my worst.

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[thegreenleavesofspring]

How do you tear yourself away once you created a hole of sin for yourself? I'm trying to stop sinning- especially with what I ship (I won't go into details but it's bad) I want to go back to christ and I don't know what to do

Me personally? Usually several weeks to a month of combination beating myself up and sulking before I break and end up ugly crying on my bathroom floor or under my couch or somewhere else weird while sobbing out prayers. It's not a process I actually recommend, however.

More seriously, though. There are a few things to keep in mind:

He actually really, really wants you to talk to Him again. He wants to restore that broken relationship. He is not standing ready with a rod - those stripes already fell on another back. He is standing ready with a hug and immeasurable love.

No matter how filthy you feel (and I speak here from experience) His blood is sufficient to wash it all gone. Say the word and repent, and it'll be gone. One of Satan's favorite tactics is tricking us into beating ourselves up over something that the very God of the Universe has obliterated from His memory.

(This is a lesson that I'm still learning.)

That part is, once you can screw yourself up to it, easy enough. It's easy enough to repent. It's breaking the habit of the sin that is oh so hard. Not backsliding right back into it all. And I'm sorry, there is no quick and easy fix for that. (I really wish there were.) It's a teeth-gritted drawn out process. I do some of the usual recommendations - a bit of Bible reading every morning, forcefully turning my thoughts into other directions, thinking of what He suffered for our sin - this can make you lose your taste for it, at least right then, very abruptly; to think of yourself pounding in the nails - any sort of distraction to pull one's mind away from the immediate temptation and back to God.

That said, I'm going to be presumptuous and make some guesses and assertions based on you saying the problem is your shipping specifically. And I'm going to guess that maybe you've got some unhealthy relationships with relationships in general, or will. Or maybe not! But maybe look into that.

That aside, it might be useful to look into what, exactly, about the ship or ships draws you in. If it's just straight-up perversion, yeah scrap that for good. If there are other elements, however, deconstruct it and pick out what exactly it is that you like. Is it the characters' personalities? Backgrounds? Chemistry? Something else? If you can take the elements that aren't sinful and apply them elsewhere, you can start realigning your own preferences into something healthier.

That's the thing; all relational and sexual perversion is Satan's twisting of something very, very good - something designed specifically to mirror Christ's relationship with His Church. There's nothing inherently wrong with shipping as long as it's done right, or liking two compatible characters. I've seen a lot of people do genderbenders to make M/M or F/F ships M/F; I've got no personal opinion on that either way.

But ultimately: pray. Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray. You can't do this. Straight up? You can't do it. Not by your own power. You have to want to. You have to be willing to strive to. But you'll never, ever do it alone. You can't. He's got to do His work in you. And you have to ask Him to.

You can't tear out of that hole. The only way to get out of that hole is to just suck it up and go "Hey. God. I really messed up, I messed up so much, and I need You to do something about it." Pride is a big fat horsechoker pill going down (speaking from experience) and it can make a body squirm to go crawling back feeling absolutely filthy (speaking from experience) especially if it's instance 3,257 of the exact same sin you've been trying to kick for years (speaking from experience) but it is, in the end, the only way out. You've gotta ask Him to throw you a rope, and the only way to do that is to start praying. Some denominations have you Confess it to either a priest or a member of a congregation, but ultimately you're going to have to pray about it anyway. (Speaking from experience.) No matter how much your flesh really, really, really doesn't want to.

I know the guilt looks like an impassable brick wall. I promise it's not. It's an illusion. He's got a wrecking ball that can shatter those bricks into nothing and He's waiting for you to ask Him. Doesn't matter how many bricks, how high, how thick. That Blood can wash it all away.

TL/DR: Pray. Especially if you don't feel like you can or should.

I'm praying for you, Anon. ❤

[groovebunker]

getting to the point where cooking is starting to scare me a bit bc i'm not sure i trust myself with sharp implements which is just grand. have successfully made dinner and now i don't want to eat but i will make myself bc i've already lost five kilos since new york and i don't need a backslide on that front. i can feel myself getting like manic which means i'm going to be even more annoying and i already feel like i'm being so irritating and needy to literally everyone in my life while also just wanting to isolate from everyone at the same time (make it make sense please). i know i am burnt out and the autism is making the idea of the biggest change in five years so hard and i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe, tasha has me, my irl friends have me, the gc has me but everything is so hard and i want to push everyone away, i want them to know me, i don't want to be a burden, i don't want to be annoying, i think i just need to have a breakdown but idk how to precipitate one anymore because i'm so safe and loved???? and this week so many people have made me feel like i matter and i exist in their lives and it means more than i can ever explain and i just want to call every single person i know and tell them i love them but the sheer enormity of the emotions i contain is currently terrifying me because if i love this much, i can lose this much, i guess. my brain is just a constant scream, the consistency of soup, full of bees and the fog is awful, nothing makes me feel good, i can't concentrate at all, i can't remember to do things, i just want to be a ball on my couch, the only thing that has made me feel grounded is cooking dinner, i'm scared to look at my knife block, you know? i just.....need to cry. i haven't cried in months, i don't think i remember how, my eyes itch just thinking about it. it's going to be fine it's been fine before i'm fine.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

I've started dipping into Emmerdale a bit more again this week and I don't know whether you agree, but I feel Lucy's hatred and lack of belief in the Al affair really shows in her performance in the aftermath. The powerful performances from her are really missing, especially when you consider how strong she usually is as an actor, and part of me wonders if it's because she finds it OOC for Chas. (though I think she and the producers believed Chaddy were a golden couple and you know how I feel about that!!!)

I haven't really read anything from her about the story but I can see what you mean. If she doesn't like the story, that makes sense. I said after Thursday that I wished there had been more fireworks in the reveal and that it all just felt kind of sad now but I think you might be on to something about Lucy's performance. It is a little lackluster.

It feels a bit like Natalie J Robb in the aftermath of the Nate affair reveal where Moira was just like "I don't know why I cheated" and it felt really strongly like Natalie didn't know either and that the whole story was ridiculous.

Except this story with Chas has been a long time coming for me. I mean once upon a time when the first spoiler about Chas and Paddy maybe getting back together came out, I thought, that could be fun perhaps. Aaron's parents getting together. Chas had seemingly come a long way since those days when they were last attempting to date. In 2016/early 2017, Chas was at her peak. She was a not only a pretty good character, she had become a better parent to Aaron and she had been a good friend to Paddy for years. It seemed like it could work.

Of course they immediately killed it with all that cursed nonsense and then the six month break followed by her just throwing herself at him and it seeming like Paddy was settling for her when he really wanted Rhona back. Then they were pretty much doomed. And then cue the Grace story which absolutely destroyed them for me even more. Like I know everyone outside of this fandom sees that story as this super tragic time for Chas and Paddy and I mean, sure, it was. It was an awful thing to go through but that's where Chas started majorly backsliding as a character.

She started becoming very "me me me" again but in a way that she could justify and moralize because she was experiencing this tragedy and trauma, but it's not something she afforded to anyone else. She was terrible to Charity after everything she was going through with Bails. She was terrible to Aaron after Robert went to prison. She was terrible to Paddy after Grace died because he wasn't grieving the way she wanted him to. It was all about her and what she wanted and needed and everyone else be damned.

I was glad Paddy brought up that they should have ended things after Grace because he was right. She treated him like garbage then. And then after Eve was born and they did that whole thing of Paddy leaving her in the car because he needed to take Marlon to the hospital, she was horrible to him then too when he already felt bad enough. And we had the whole lockdown episode where it seemed like there was no real way forward for them. They did the first almost affair with her and Al. And then truly she just became a selfish hypocritical monster even more than she ever had before.

She always acted annoyed by Paddy's mere presence. He was basically just an inconvenience to her. Her behavior towards Charity after the break up with Vanessa and her sleeping with Al once was horrible. She forced her out of her business and tried to kick her out of the family several times. Lisa dying was the worst thing for Chas because it kind of gave her license to step up and be the head of the Dingles because let's be honest, Cain never wanted the job. Just the way she treated Paddy, Charity, Aaron, Liv, Faith etc was awful.

And she was truly horrible with Faith at the end. Just the amount of times she pushed Faith to do something she didn't want to do just because Chas wanted it for selfish reasons was terrible. She never wanted to listen to what Faith wanted and needed because everything was always all about her.

Everything leading up to this downfall for Chas has been well earned and for me, entirely in character if we're basing it on the last five years. Like maybe 2016 Chas wouldn't have done this but she hasn't been that character in a long time.

I don't know, like people keep trying to point out that everyone else has cheated too, and that's true, but it's not so much the affair but all of Chas's behavior surrounding it and for the last few years that just make it all so much worse.

But Chas not being able to be content with safe and dependable and always needing something/someone more exciting and sabotaging a good thing to get it, consequences be damned? That's exactly Chas's character. It just took her longer to come back to that. Such is the nature of Soap, sure, but also I still feel like it's completely in character.

This is a very long rant. Haha. Sorry. I have a lot of feelings about Chas's character clearly.

But back to the original question, I can definitely see what you mean. I agree, I do think she thought the Chaddy partnership was great. Perhaps because she felt like Chas had grown as a character or because she just liked working with Dom. So I feel like maybe it's hard to let this go and that shows in her performance. I wonder if it will get better if they eventually have Chas trying to make real amends and acknowledging all of the wrong she's done lately. Perhaps she'll like that journey better.

[whythewords]

Days 340 - 359: You just have to make it

It's Christmas. I made it to Christmas. From the sheer amount of super-bummers in that last post, it feels nice that I am here, seemingly on the other side of it. I mean, the bad and sad thoughts come and go, that's sort of been the theme of this whole year of journaling and beyond. But it's good to remember to enjoy the calm and quiet spots.

It was a nice, quiet Christmas, something that I honestly would have been less excited about last year. This whole "cuffing season" thing, whatever the fuck that means, led me to believe last year that I had to be partnered up with someone around the holidays or that it was somehow easier this time of year. Actually I might have made mention of that in the last post or some other recent one. It definitely does sting to not have a special someone to share these days with, but they are, ultimately, just days. I also recall a particularly difficult bout of loneliness around last Christmas, even when things were still pretty fresh. I was at my uncle's place, on the apps just fucking having inane, unsuccessful conversations with people I had nothing more than a passing interest in.

This year I was at that same uncle's place, more present, hanging with my cousins, catching up with people I admittedly don't see or speak to as often as I should, even playing a little guitar for everyone. It was nice. It was calm. It was small. That was Christmas Eve. Before that, I had my birthday/annual acoustic show thing here at my folks' apartment. That was also small, but it was nice as well. The day and following morning were nice and quiet on a count of me sending my folks away for the night (which turned out to be not necessary seeing as everyone ended up leaving before 11pm). The set was fun but it's kinda an afterthought to me. Seeing some friends, making some fancy cocktails, heading downstairs onto the street with a few folks to get a little high, those are the things that helped coax me outta the fog I had been in during the weeks prior.

There'd been a bit more than the usual amount of communication with my former partner, and I had been dangerously close to backsliding. I've spoken here a lot about progress and this whole journey since the beginning of the year (and really the separation before that) being about how much progress I've made. I've observed over the last few weeks in particular that it feels like the progress was reset. On more than one occasion, some friends here on tumblr and outside of tumblr have reminded me that progress isn't necessarily linear. The point is continuing and moving to the next thing. Well, as much as I do appreciate and agree with that sentiment, I was definitely doing some things that were greatly hampering what I would call the progress that I have made over the last year and a bit. I was doing my best to steal myself to endure the difficulty of that as I progressed through a particularly stressful last few weeks of school, and made it to my birthday as if it was some sort of checkpoint that I could reach to safeguard myself from the events of the past. I shudder to think that the dating thing might have actually served well as a distraction from that stuff, because it certainly wasn't helping either, and it feels good to be free from it at this moment.

Either way, I made it. And then I made it to Christmas Eve, and then to today, Christmas. Another quiet one, though it usually is. Exchanging gifts with my folks and my brother after a nice brunch here at home. Recovering from the insane amount of food and drink over the last few days...and continuing to eat junk food regardless, as Christmas ought to be really.

The anxiety about jumping back into the real world has begun to dissipate too. My friend urged me to reach out to the city offices where I did my co-op, which admittedly I should have done already. But the point is I did do it and got a reply and prospects seem hopeful.

I'm as at peace as I've been in a long time....except for the whole upstairs neighbours thing. I've mentioned that here before I believe, we have some obnoxious neighbours who seemingly have parties every weekend into the wee hours. Usually I can drown it out and just throw on a podcast in my headphones but they were particularly insane on this Christmas night, stomping and yelling and loud as they've ever been, I'm pretty certain my desk was shaking. If this post is a little disjointed it's because I was back and forth with my dad waffling about what to do before finally deciding (after literal months of this) that enough is enough and we should call security. Seems quieter now, but we'll see for how long. You know you're old when.... "Damn kids and their loud music!" Ah well. At this point I embrace the inner old curmudgeon.

Which brings me finally to the future: When I was typing in the day number for that title of this post I had a legitimate "oh shit" moment realizing that the end of the year of our lord 2022 is less than a god damn week away. I'm happy to say I have some plans for new year's eve. Less calm, but still pretty convenient considering they take place at a friends' apartment just a short walk away. No fussing with Ubers necessary for the evening (barring some insane weather.) These days should be enjoyed. I'm trying to to allow myself to do that.

It's almost done and it'll be alright.

[shesasurvivor]

My Hunger Games Story

I debated whether or not I wanted to do this. I wasn’t asked to share this, but my Hunger Games story is important to me. My story began during a dark period in my life. Those of you who have been following me for a while are probably already familiar with it. I’ve come a long ways since then. But The Hunger Games dramatically changed my life, and who I am, and with the new story out there in the world, maybe it’s time to tell it again.

Five months after my oldest sister passed away from a horrorific battle against cancer, I was alone in a city, trying to figure out who I was now that my old world had ended, and things would never be the same. Who was I now? What kind of a person was I? The illusion of safety was gone forever. The naivete of childhood was gone, and replaced with an existential crisis. This was in March 2012, and in the backdrop of my life, as I dealt with this, the media was abuzz with the news of the film adaptation of The Hunger Games. I knew nothing about it, aside seeing the books on Best Seller displays frequently at bookstores. I had liked Harry Potter, but skipped the Twilight craze, and figured it would be the same thing with this new pop culture fixation. I literally remember walking past a display window at Barnes and Noble that promoted the books and upcoming movie, and thinking, “Now there’s a movie I’ll never see.”

A couple weeks later, my cousin, who was also my coworker and only real friend near me, physically, at the time, was reading something on her break from her work. I asked her what she was reading, and she told me it was The Hunger Games. I was a little surprised, and asked her if she liked it. She summarized the story, and said all though it was “a little bit teenybopper” it was good. When she explained it was a dystopian tale, my interest was finally piqued. Dystopian had alwasy been a favorite genre of mine. Reading 1984 in my teens scarred me for life.

That same night, my (other, living) sister posted on Facebook that she had just finished the first book. I was surprised that she and my cousin were both reading this book, and seemed to like it. Then, the next day, my mom calls me, and says, “ I just finished reading The Hunger Games; you HAVE to read this book!” I went home and bought the Kindle version that night. 

Not going to lie, it took me a little bit to get into it. But I knew I already liked it. I was looking up fanfiction before I was even done with part 1. I’m ashamed to admit that I started out looking for Gale, but when the rule change occured, and Peeta told Katniss to, “Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kill me any time you feel like it,” I threw my head back in laughter. That was the moment I fell in love with Peeta, and that was the moment that turned me into an Everlark shipper.

By the time I finished the first book, it was Easter, and my mom had flown out to spend the holiday with me. The Saturday before, we went to see the movie. I hated it from the first viewing. I remember having to fight the urge to stand up and yell at the screen, I was so disappointed in it. After the movie, we visited the local Target, and I bought Catching Fire and Mockingjay, where I started reading immediately.

Catching Fire was even better than the first book, and made the shipper in me so happy. Mockingjay, on the other hand, changed me. It was so moving, and heartbreaking, and thought-provoking. When I finished the series at last, I remember hugging the books to me, and wondering if I could somehow find a way to convince Suzanne Collins to write more books. Which was why, when she announced she was writing a new book, I felt like my one greatest wish had finally come true.

The series stuck with me, and I was obsessed. I began reading as much analysis on the series as I could find. I began reading about trauma and PTSD, and their role in the series.

And that’s when I realized I had symptoms of PTSD. 

It was another year before I got help. During that time, my mental health declined significantly. On top of the horror I went through watching my sister slowly waste away, I also had an abusive boss who only aggravated things for me. Even after I started getting therapy, it took a while to climb my way out. I started drinking to deal with the massive hyperarousal I was dealing with. I started having dissociative episodes, that terrified me. I had no idea what they were at the time, and truly thought my mind had broken completely. I finally realized I was at a point where I either needed to check myself into a mental hospital, or quit my job and move back in with my parents while I put myself back together. I chose the latter. 

It wasn’t fun living with my parents again, but it provided the sanctuary I needed. Slowly, I began to heal. I found a new job in my new city. I met a guy there, and one of our first exchanges was when he told me he loved the books so much, he was upset at what the movies had done to them. I thought I had found a Peeta, but unfortunately, neither of us were really in a place where we could be in a healthy relationship. Still, the experience helped me heal, and it was because The Hunger Games had brought us together.

At some point, I was finally put on medication to handle my PTSD symptoms, and my life changed signficantly for the better. It’s been (mostly) uphill ever since, and today, you would have no idea that I have PTSD, save for the occasional jump at a sudden loud noise. But The Hunger Games... it started that change in me. It gave me an outlet for the heavy emotions of grief. Reading Mockingjay was the only time I could truly get myself to cry after losing my sister, because I’m not very outwardly emotional. 

The exploration of ethics, morals, and philosophy in The Hunger Games really helped cement my own values as well. I feel like that could be a whole other post, though. But just as Katniss learned to be more compassionate, and that kindness and humanity mattered more than basic survival, I learned this as well. 

The very first thing my mom told me when she finished Catching Fire, was, “I just finished Catching Fire; you are SO Katniss!!” I think I grabbed onto this a little too much back in 2012-2013, because it helped me work things out. But the similaries were definitely there, almost to a scary degree. I’m still protective of this series, and Katniss, because it feels so much like it’s a part of me. It’s a part of my soul. I can’t begin to describe how important these books are to me. It transcends a normal fandom love. Even with as much as I love Star Wars, it’ll never be what The Hunger Games is to me. THG is deeper, and far more profound in my life. That’s why I get a little miffed sometimes, when I feel like I’m, I don’t know, being overlooked in the fandom? This is so deeply important to me, and I just want a voice to make it known that it is so. I think, as I’ve gotten older, I’m not exactly lke Katniss anymore, but the similarity is still there, and these books will always be with me. 

Oh! And before I wrap this up, I should probably mention that it’s because of The Hunger Games that I met my best friend, @triplebigday! We live in two different states at the moment, but we’re still practically inseperable. She is family at this point.

I also met another friend, who was active here arouuund 2012-2013 (parachutesfromhaymitch). She’s long since left the fandom, but she’s brought out some of the best in me. Her influence is another reason I am where I am today.

Nothing has ever impacted me the way this world has, and I suspect nothing ever will again.

[amysubmits]

Im not sure if this has been answered on your page so I apologize if this is a repeat!

How do you balance d/s in a way where the submissive doesn't become completely dependent on the dominant figure? I am in a relationship with someone in the military who can deploy at any time and I'm struggling with the balance, I either try to be too independent and closed off or completely dependent where if he's gone even for a short training trip I'm a bit of a mess.

I have a few mental health issues and am disabled, I'm in treatment for everything but he really is my rock when im, say, in a depressive episode or a flare up and am struggling with motivation. I take care of myself in a literal sense but its the drive to function outside of basic care needs (like college, work, hobbies etc) that is a struggle for me to get myself to do without him around because he enforces thpse kinds of things when he's around, but ive never been able to get myself on a routine without the reinforcement.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but I really enjoy your perspective on things. thank you for reading this!!

Hi :)

I have never been in a situation similar to yours, so take this all with a grain of salt.

I have to think that most people who are partners with someone in the military struggle when their partner leaves without much notice. Not just with being sad but also with the change to their own routine.

My stepdad was a long-haul trucker and even though his weekly schedule was usually the same, I know my mom struggled with switching from her routine during the week without him, to our routine when he was home. I've also heard people who share custody of their kids talk about how it's hard for them and their kids to transition from time alone with their new partner vs time with the child home, or from time with just their bio kids home to time with their stepkids coming to visit, etc. I think anytime we have people coming in or out of the household it's normal to struggle with how that changes routines a bit.

Would it help if you made a specific routine that is different for when he is away? Maybe make that routine with his help, and maybe one that is a bit more lax, so it doesn't overwhelm you when you're struggling with him being gone?

That way you wouldn't be trying to hold yourself to your 'normal when he's home' routine when he isn't there? That may just be too much to expect of yourself.

I am not sure that I really have much advice as far as how to avoid D/s causing dependency. My perspective is that (usually) D/s doesn't cause dependency, but D/s can cause subs to do more than they could/would have done without a dom, so then when the dom isn't around i can seem like the sub has regressed or become dependent...but if the sub was just doing more tha their usual because of the doms support...then that isn't necessarily a bad thing in the way that true dependency would be, in my opinion.

I think all people can do more or achieve more with support from others. I think we see that as very normal in certain settings, like getting a workout buddy to help motivate you tos how up at the gym when you may just sleep in if your workout buddy wasn't going to be waiting on you. I think D/s is usually closer to that example...and if someone was successful at work out regularly with a workout buddy, but then backslid after their workout buddy gave up...I don't think we'd see that as a dependency. It's more like...just being back to being left without a tool or without as much support, so it's understandable that you'd be a bit less successful.

I still think it's reasonable to want to be able to maintain those skills without that tool or support..but I think the key to that is usually related to mental health or things like that, and you said you're already in treatment for your mental health so it seems like you're already trying to work on the areas you want to work on...which is great, and I think that is kind of all you can really do?

I will invite others to chime in if they have related experiences or advice. :)

[sydneysageivashkov]

How would you re-write Adrian's romance (Rodrian, Sydrian, one of the them or both) if you were in charge of the TV show?

oooh okay.

if I had a guarantee of a bloodlines spin-off show, I would leave r*drian and you all have to suffer the ship wars while I, the showrunner, mercifully turn off my twitter replies and ignore your cries for mercy. I would tone down Adrian's pursuit of her through frostbite and shadowkiss - still flirting, still obvious that he's into her, but not getting into that uncomfy territory the books sometimes stray into. and then comes shadowkiss, and they maybe don't full on make that stupid agreement but the vibe is there, with Rose going to him because she knows he's most likely to give him the money and turning up the flirting to get it, and Adrian giving it to her because he thinks it's the only way she'll get over way Dimitri (and therefore possibly give him a shot). She gets back, and the relationship proceeds until they break up right before Rose is arrested - the night that he bit her in canon. Rose stood him up the night before and he told her to get her head on straight, she got told "love fades mine has" and went to Adrian for comfort, but in the show she breaks up with Adrian instead. She tells him she's realised she's not ready for a relationship, with him or Dimitri, and then she's arrested and Adrian helps and she's on the run and she comes back with Dimitri and no she didn't cheat but damn it still hurts she broke up with him saying she wasn't ready for a relationship but it's only a few weeks later and she's already back with Dimitri and also his aunt, one of the only people who actually loved him, just died -

I think that keeps a lot of the unhealthiness of r*drian (and Adrian's sad boy points for Bloodlines) while alleviating a) the backslide in Rose's character development in Last Sacrifice and b) some of the key reasons people hate on Rose and Adrian, fairly or unfairly.

Over on the Bloodlines show, I would primarily change the timescale of the show (which I think is pretty much built-in with a show - actors age so a six season show can't reasonably take place over a few months). Then Sydrian have been together for a few years before they get married in Vegas. On top of that I'd delete the dabbling subplot entirely. And I would let Olive live, so they wouldn't end the series as parents. Instead they'd end the series in Italy eating gelato outside the Pantheon in Rome.

If there wasn't going to be a Bloodlines spin-off, I would just delete r*drian. I would write Sydrian in by having Sydney get assigned to help investigate spirit somehow - probably Abe pulls some strings when he hears Rose is connected and gets his pet Alchemist on the case or something. They become friends and eventually fall in love. I've talked a bit more about it here. Keep the character and relationship beats as much as possible, even if the specific setting has changed.

[neontwilight89]

Today is my last session with my therapist and I don't know what to do. I'm sad because we've worked together for so long and the thought of closing the book on that is hard to process even though I've had about a month to do it. I'm also sad because we never got to being back in person, so I can't give her a hug or a painting as a parting gift or anything (which I don't even know if is a thing, but i would probably do it). It will feel so strange to see her in the box of my laptop and then have that go away. I know she won't stop existing, but I know I'll feel adrift without the island of safe space we built to visit weekly. Still need to find a new therapist who might be a good fit, but it is proving hard..

And one week from this moment I'll be on a plane over the Pacific flying to Australia for work and I'm absolutely petrified. I'm trying not to spiral more than i already have been, but it is such a big trip pulled together in such little time and there's so much pressure to do things right. I wish i weren't going alone. And I wish i could have made a hop to NZ work but flights were not kind to me and I'm now terrified of getting stuck in Australia. I'm trying to think positive and believe that everything will work out, but it is a big push against my overly cautious brain.

I'm just trying to keep breathing without breaking every day.

I didn't want my therapist to feel like I'd completely backslide without her but that plus this trip is unraveling me but by bit.

[lovato-demid]

And Babies Make 4 (April 7) | Remi

Rian: Over the course of the last week, Rian had spent more time doing live streams and video chats than ever before. It had been a tough decision to not do any kind of promo tour, or plan an actual tour for the new album that they had just released, but he knew with Demi so very pregnant and they babies supposed to be here any day now, he wouldn't want to be anywhere but here with her. He had spent the morning outside washing the truck and just now headed back inside to grab something to drink. "Babe? I was thinking we could order in dinner tonight, what do you say?" he called from the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and uncapping it to take a sip.

Demi: Demi was so over being pregnant. She was uncomfortable all the time, she couldn't see her feet anymore, and was starting to get massive cramps. She heard Rian talking to her from the kitchen, and managed to get herself off the couch so she didn't have to yell. As she walked into the kitchen, another cramp hit and she felt a rush of water fall at her feet. "Um...babe?" she said calmly as she walked into the kitchen. "I think we need to order dinner at the hospital. I'm pretty sure my water just broke and the cramps I've been feeling all day are contractions." Another cramp hit, this one much stronger than any of the others. She grabbed onto the door frame and yelled out in pain.

Rian: Rian was one-handedly closing the fridge when Demi almost waddled into the kitchen. "Why would we have dinner at the hospi- oh." The realization of what she was actually saying took a second to sink in, and then Rian's eyes widened. "Holy shit," he cursed, putting the bottle of water on the counter before even taking a sip. The babies were coming... He tried to stay calm, but on the inside he was freaking out a little. He had struggled to picture this day, always kind of seeming unreal to him, but now here he was grabbing the bag that they had prepared in the bedroom. On his way back to Demi he almost stumbled over the dogs as he texted Alex to let him know and ask him to care for the dogs. "Alright, Alex will be coming over here later to feed the dogs, now uh.. come on, babe." Rian wrapped an arm around her in a desperate attempt to sooth her in any way as he lead her out to the car.

Demi: Demi watched as the reality of what was happening, hit Rian. Their babies were coming, and Demi was both excited and absolutely terrified. She managed to sit in one of the chairs at the table while Rian ran to ge their go back. She started laughing when he nearly tripped over the dogs. "Baby. Breath." she chuckled. She managed to get back up and let Rian help her out to the car. "We may want to put a towel on the seat. My pants are wet." she suggested, knowing he had just washed the truck.

Rian: Rian paused to take a breath, but he couldn't stop his nerves from pushing him to go. "Towel, yes." He hurried back inside to grab one and cover the seat with it before helping Demi in. On his way around to the drivers seat, the drummer took anoter deep breath. "Alright, let's uh.. get you to the hospital." He reached over to take her hand and give it a squeeze, before looking back and backing out of the driveway and onto the road.

Demi: It was kind of cute, how nervous Rian was. As soon as they were both in the car, she smiled as Rian took her hand. His hand was practically shaking in hers which made her chuckle. "Babe. It's gonna be okay. Look at me, I'm fine. It's just contractions." she said, trying to ease his nerves. "I'm going to text our mom's, and Selena." Another contractions washed over her but she didn't want to spook Rian while he was driving so she focused on her breathing and did her best to not let him know she was in pain.

Rian: It was almost ridiculous thinking about it, how Demi tried to calm him down while she was the one in actual pain and not just battling the nerves. "Okay, yes," Rian said with a nod. He reached over while he was driving, resting his hand on her knee momentarily before taking her hand again. "We're almost there," he murmured. He was probably speeding a little bit, they made it to the hospital quickly, and alright. "This is really happening," Rian muttered, more to himself once they were inside the building.

Demi: Demi texted both their moms and Selena letting them all know they were on the way to the hospital. She had called her doctor when she was waiting for Rian to get the go bag, so she was at the hospital, waiting for them when they arrived. "How far apart AR the contractions?" the doctor asked as Demi got into the waiting wheelchair. "About ten minnnUTESSSS." Demi answered as another contraction hit. "MOTHER FUCKER THIS HURTS!"

Rian: Rian almost jumped a little when Demi yelled out in pain, and he moved beside her to place a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, babe," he murmured. He was feeling a little guilty now, especially since he couldn't exactly do anything to take the pain away. Reaching for her hand, Rian offered his for her to squeeze.

Demi: "Remember your breathing, Demi." the doctor reminded her as she wheeled the expecting mother down the hall. A nurse was waiting for them in the room and helped Demi out of the chair. "Why don't you get changed into a gown and then we'll see where you're at." the doctor told her before stepping out of the room. "Just crack the door open when you're ready. My name is Annie. Please let me know if you need anything." the nurse said with a big smile. "Thanks Annie." Demi said as she started taking off her jacket. Once they were alone in the room, Demi turned to Rian who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She pulled he shirt off and stood in front of him. "Babe...unhook this Damn bra and help me get my pants pants off." she told him calmly. As soon as she was undressed, and had the hospital gown on, she had Rian help her up onto the bed before cracking the door open. The nurse came in almost immediately and brought Demi a warm blanket. "The doctor will be right in." Annie said with a soft smile. She set up a tray of instruments and set the off to the side. "All set?" the doctor asked as she walked into the room? "Let's see how far we are." She put on a pair of gloves as she walked over to Demi. "Why don't you slide down, knees bent and open. I'm going to check your cervix." Demi slid down on the table as best as she could. "That's great. Drop your knees open if you can." the doctor said, placing a hand gently on Demi's knee. "Perfect. Let's see...that's good. Great momma. You can relax now." she smiled. "You're at four centimeters right now so we still have a bit to go. Annie here is going to get you hooked up to some monitors and I'll have the anesthesiologist come in and give you an epideral." she smiled.

Rian: Rian was overwhelmed, and that was putting it lightly. He just followed behind as Demi was wheeled into a room, and he saw the almost amused look she gave him. When she asked him to help her undressed, he was glad to have something to do. He walked over, helped her undress and put the gown on and then made sure she could lay down on the bed safely. When the nurse, and then the doctor came in, he lingered close, resting his hand on Demi's are to reassure her and make sure she knew he was right by her side.

Demi: Having someone with their hands all up in her hoo-ha was super uncomfortable. The pressure in her stomach was intense. Another contraction hit as the nurse started putting the monitors on her. Demi screamed and squeezed Rian's hand as she tried to do her breathing. She could swear they were getting more and more painful. She didn't know if she could do this. She didn't know if she was going to be strong enough to deliver two babies. "You did so good." Annie smiled down at her as she finished putting the monitors on Demi. "You're already a pro." she laughed. "Now this monitor here," she said, pointing to a machine that showed two different numbers, "is showing the heart rates for both babies. And this one over here is going to monitor your contractions. Once you get the epidural, you won't feel them anymore and we need to be able to tell how far apart they are." she explained. "If you see here, it looks like you've got another one coming on. Hmm...five minutes apart now. That's good." Annie told her as another contraction hit. "OW, OW, OW, OW...FUCK...." Demi cried out. "You're almost there Demi." Annie said as she watched the monitor. People had told her it would hurt, but she always thought they were just exaggerating for effect.

Rian: Rian watched curiously as the nurse hooked Demi up to the machines, and he didn't let out a sound when Demi squeezed his hand. He was freaking out just at the thought of what his girlfriend was going through, and he cringed a little as her hand squeezed his tighter. "Babe," he said. "You're doing so good baby, I'm here, I'm so proud of you," he murmured, trying his best to be encouraging. "And I mean, I guess I understand if you hate me right now.." he chuckled lightly.

Demi: "I don't hate you, but that might change later." she said through gritted teeth as the contraction started to fade. Her contractions started to come closer together, and after 45 minutes of contractions ever five minutes, the anesthesiologist finally arrived to give her and epidural. "Oh thank god." she said when the doctor walked into the room. She had been concerned about getting an epidural, afraid it might make her backslide in her sobriety but she talked to her sponsor and her doctor about it, and they all guaranteed her it was safe. Once the epidural was done, Demi was able to lay back and relax a little. Annie had come back into the room to check on her. "Looks like that epidural is working." she smiled, motioning to the contraction monitor. "Holy shit. I don't feel a thing right now." Demi laughed. "That's good." Annie said. "Now you rest up. You're going to need all the energy you can muster for when those little babies decide it's time to meet you."

Rian: Rian felt like he was in some kind of trance. He was trying to focus on everything that was going on, but really he couldn't say much or do anything but be there, and make sure Demi knew just that. He had managed to get a chair to sit beside her and let her hold on to and squeeze his hand tightly. He knew she had been hesitant to get an epidural, but since everyone assured her it was safe, she did get it, and Rian thought he saw her visibly relax. "I can't fucking wait until thery're here now," he chuckled lightly, running his thumb over the back of Demi's hand encouragingly.

Demi: When they finally had the room to themselves, Demi looked over at Rian. "Me too babe. I'll just be happy to not have them kicking me at night anymore." she chuckled. She could see how stressed out he was. She leaned her head back and smiled at him. "Baby, why don't you take a break and go find some cold brew. Call Alex and update him." she suggested.

Rian: "Why, you're not enjoying their kicks?" Rian chuckled lightly. He considered her suggestion and let out a breath he hadn't really been aware of holding. "Are you sure? I don't wanna just.. leave you here. You can't really take a break either." He looked at her, concerned, questioningly. "I'll be quick. Just give Alex a quick call and get some coffee."

Demi: "My bladder is not a soccer ball." she laughed. "I'm sure babe. I have a feeling things are going to get worse, so why don't you take the break why you can." she smiled. "I'll be fine. Tell Alex hi for me. And maybe find Annie and find out if I can have some water or something." she suggested.

Rian: "Alright," Rian said. He leaned down to steal a kiss from her lips. "I'll tell him hi and see if I can bring you water." He offered a smile before reluctantly leaving the room. He found coffee, no cold brew, but he settled for it anyway because it was better than nothing. Alex immediately picked up the phone when Rian called him, as if he had been waiting for him to finally call and he quickly filled his best friend in on what was going on. Annie wasn't hard to find thankfully and she told the drummer where to get water. He carried both, water and coffee into the room when he returned to Demi. "Did not find any cold brew, but I got coffee. And water for you."

Demi: Demi managed to close her eyes for a bit while Rian was out of the room. Her doctor came in to check her and said she had progressed to 8 centimeters so it would be anytime now. "Thanks baby." she smiled as Rian walked back into the room. "How's Alex?" She sat up a but and took a sip of the water her brought to her. "The doctor said it should be any time now." she told him.

Rian: Rian took his seat by the bed again and sipped on his coffee. "He's good. Almost jumped through the phone thinking I was gonna tell him you had the babies," he chuckled lightly. "He's saying hi back, by the way." When Demi mentioned what the doctor said, his eyes widen a little. "For real? How are you.. so chill?" He finished his coffee and put the empty cup away, then ran his hand through his hair. "This is nerve-wrecking."

Demi: "I think he may be more excited that we are." she laughed. "Baby, I am far from chill. I am absolutely terrified. I have to squeeze two watermelons out of an opening the size of a lemon. But it's not like I turn back now." she chuckled nervously.

Rian: "He probably is," Rian chuckled. Her words caused him to grimace slightly and he shook the images from his mind. "You look way more chill than I feel, I'll give you that," he admitted. He reached over to take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze. "You'll do just fine baby, I know you can do it. And I'm right here with you."

Demi: A few hours later, the epidural started wearing off and the doctor said it was time. Demi's eyes got big as she started to feel the contractions hit. It felt like they were coming right on top of each other. Annie pulled out the stirrups and had Demi slide down on the table. The doctor came in, fully gowned up and smiled at Demi. "You ready mama? On the next contraction, I want you to push." The next contraction, Demi pushed as hard as she could. The doctor counted to ten and told Demi to relax. "Okay, let's go again. You can do it." After ten minutes of pushing, Demi was exhausted. "One more Demi. The head is out, we just need to get his shoulders and he'll be here. You can do it." the doctor said. "I can't. I'm too tired." Demi cried. "I can't do anymore."

Rian: The waiting was rough. Rian had never felt this impatient about anything in his life before. He was thankful Demi seemed overall relaxed until the epidural started to wear off. He reached for her hand, encouraging her as she started to push. He felt like passing out at how stressful the situation was, he was exhausted just by being a part of this. It was impossible to imagine how Demi must've been feeling. "You can do it, baby. I know you can," he told her, stroking her hand with his thumb while she wasn't squeezing it tight.

Demi: With tears running down her face, Demi looked over at Rian. "I can't do this." she sobbed. "I just need one more push and he'll be here Demi." the doctor said. "You can do this." Demi looked at Rian for reassurance then shook her head. "One more?" she asked weakly. "One more." assured the doctor. "Okay." She braced herself for one more push and pushed with everything she had left in her. She felt a wave of relief and suddenly the musical sounds of a baby crying filled her ears. The next thing she knew, she heard the doctors talking between each other. 'Okay Demi. The second baby's heart rate dropped. We need to get you prepped for an emergency c-section. We can't risk having it drop more during delivery."

Rian: "You can, you're strong as fuck," Rian told her with an encouraging smile. He held onto her hand, letting her squeeze it as hard as she needed to. He murmured encouraging words as she pushed. When a new set of lungs filled the room, it seemed like time was stopping for a moment. "Holy shit," he murmured under his breath, staring at the baby the doctor was holding. He was still trying to wrap her hand around the fact that there was a crying human baby in the world right now when someone said 'c-section'. "A what now?" he said, eyes widening.

Demi: Before Demi could say a word, the sides of her bed were being raised and she was being pushed towards the door. "A C-section." the doctor said again. "We gotta get this baby out right now. I'm sorry, we don't have time to waste." the doctor assured Rian. "Rian?" Demi cried, terrified she was about to lose a baby. "Rian, stay with Noah. Don't leave Noah!" she called out as she was pushed out the door. "We don't have time to give you a spinal block, so we're going to have to put you out." the doctor said as Demi was wheeled into a freezing cold operating room. The anesthesiologist who had done her epidural earlier in the day was putting a mask over her face and telling her to breath deep. Ten minutes after rushing out of the room, the doctor went back and told Rian he had another beautiful baby boy and that Demi was doing fine and was in recovery. "The baby will have to stay in the NICU until we can do some tests, but everything is looking good." the doctor assured him.

Rian: Everything happened so quickly. Rian had barely processed the first baby actually brought into the world, when the doctors were taking Demi away, out of the room. He promised her to stay put and he did, in awe of the new baby, and yet worried sick about what was going to happen. "Thank god," he let out a breath as soon as the doctor told him the baby was fine. "Can I go see him? And Demi?" he questioned. He didn't want to leave Noah's side, but he was dying to see his other son, and share this moment of pure bliss with his girlfriend.

Demi: "Not just yet." the doctor told him. "We've got to monitor him for just a bit. As soon as his stats are good, we'll bring him down to meet his mommy and daddy." she smiled. Demi is just waking up from surgery. She'll be brought to the room shortly. I'll check back in and let you know if anything changes. Congratulations dad." she said, putting her hand out to shake Rian's.

Rian: Rian nodded slowly. "Alright," he said. He couldn't wait to meet him, and for Demi to return soon. He took the doctor's hand and smiled, a goofy grin that spread on his lips as he registered what she had just said. A dad. Not a future father, soon to be dad.. he was really a dad now. "Thank you." He was smiling ear to ear when Demi finally was brought back into the room. Noah was wrapped in a blanket and he was holding him cradled in his arms. "Say, hi mommy," he said softly, walking over to the bed with the little baby boy.

Demi: By the time Demi was brought back to her room, her boys were already an hour old. She was exhausted, and she hurt, but most of all, she was sad that she didn't get the chance to hold her boys yet. Annie had stayed with her in recovery and assured her that both babies were doing well and that she'd get to see them real soon. Still groggy as she was pushed into the room, she had her eyes closed until she heard Rian's voice. "Hi" she said weakly, trying to sit up. Her eyes landed on the baby in Rian's arms, and tears hit her eyes. "Noah?" she asked, looking at the baby. "Is he perfect?" she asked

Rian: Rian had lost all sense of time while he waited with Noah. He was dying to see Nash, even though the doctor said he was alright, he wanted to make sure of it himself. And he hated that he couldn't share this moment with Demi. He smiled when she was finally brought back in, and he immediately found the way over to the bed. He didn't wanna let go of his son, he could hold him for hours, for days. But he knew Demi must be dying to hold him too. "He's absolutely perfect, yes. Here," the drummer said softly, shifting the baby carefully in his arm to then rest him in Demi's and on her chest. Rian bit his lip, smiling widely as he looked at them.

Demi: The second her son was placed on her chest, Demi felt herself start to cry. He was so tiny and perfect. "Hi baby boy." she sniffed. "I'm your momma." She covered his small head with kisses. "I'm the one you and your brother have been kicking for the last 8 months." she chuckled. After what seemed like forever, Annie came into the room, pushing a bassinet. "Well hello there mommy and daddy. Someone here is very anxious to get to meet you both." she smiled, picking Nash up out of the bassinet. "Is he okay?" Demi asked quickly, her heart stopping for a moment. "He's absolutely perfect." Annie assured them before laying Nash on Demi's chest next to his brother. "I'll let you four get to know each other." she chuckled. "Congratulations again." Demi sobbed, finally being able to hold both her babies.

Rian: Rian was overwhelmed by the love he felt in that moment, and he had no clue just yet that he'd feel like bursting the moment Annie would bring in Nash. Rian crouched down beside the bed so he could be on the same level as Demi and the little baby boy that was now resting securely on her chest. "You did so good, baby" The drummer said and for a brief moment he focused his attention on Demi, stealing a kiss from her lips before looking back at the baby boy. A sudden relief surged through him when Annie finally brought in their other baby boy and said he was perfectly okay. He swallowed hard, a proud grin spreading on his lips as he finally looked at his girlfriend holding their two perfect baby boys. "Holy shit, this is amazing," he chuckled, reaching over to take Demi's hand and giving it a loving squeeze.

[mental-health-advice]

(Tag as 1113) Hi there, I'm in college but now I've been home for a week. I've always had issues with food and eating and body image, but it's gone too far now and I don't know why I'm doing this now. I've barely eaten this whole week, only eating when the family sits town for dinner so I don't raise suspicion. I've looked at the scale so much this week and I've already lost a lot of weight and it's satisfying but this isn't the right way I know but now I'm so scared to eat normally again.

(Ohno I didn't mean to send that last one for 1113 yet, I want to beanswered anonymously) I ate a slice of pizza and I was overwhelmedwith hate and regret and I purged again and now I'm worried because Iknow I'll do it again. Can things like this just start happening outof the blue when it hasn't been so bad before? I feel like I'm notyoung enough to start having real problems like this, like I must bemaking something up but I feel so ugly inside. How can I tell if thisis real???

Hey1113,

Don'tworry about sending one off anon. I've gone ahead and deleted it sothat your entire ask will be answered anonymously.

I'msorry to hear you've been having food issues again! It sounds likesomething about coming home has triggered problems you thought youhad a better handle on, which is totally understandable!

Ionly went home after a semester in college once, but those two weekswere really hard for me. I thought I'd gotten a better handle on theissues that were upsetting me, but once I went back home, it feltlike all of those issues came crashing back into my life.

There'ssomething about specific environments that can either set us off orhelp us calm down. Once we associate a certain feeling with alocation, it's hard to break that connection.  It might seem likeit's happening out of the blue, but there are actually reasons forit. You're just not able to directly see them right now, and that'sokay!

Iknow it's hard to see right now, but I can assure you that you willeat normally again. It will take time and effort to work towards, butyou will get there. My therapist tells me that part of recovery isbacksliding. We have this idea that recovery means that we'reconstantly going up, when it actually looks a lot more like a jaggedline going up and down all the time. As long as the general trend isgoing up, at least a little bit, then you're still recovering!

Ifind that when we ask ourselves if a problem we are having is real,we're often worried that someone will think the problem is stupid, orshouldn't be such a big deal. I don't think this is a fair question,because we all have different things we struggle with. Some of us arereally good at body confidence, but don't do well with beingsensitive to how other people feel. While other people hate theirbodies, but make close friends because they do what they can torespect how someone else is feeling.

Maybewhat you are going through is real, maybe it isn't. But if it'saffecting you and making it hard for you to live your life, then itwarrants getting help to get to a better place. One of my favoritequotes is from Albus Dumbledore in the last book of Harry Potter.This is spoilers, so hopefully you've read the books! But after Harrydies, he sees Dumbledore in what looks like an all white Kings CrossStation. After they talk, Harry asks if the experience is happeningin his head, and Dumbledore says “Ofcourse it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earthshould that mean that it is not real?”

Wedo have a page on eatingdisorders that might be helpful to you! Please take time to lookat it and see if any of the information there can help you.

Goodluck, I know you can do this!

“Whatwe achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”

~Mel

[whythewords]

Days 150 - 174: Clearing/Tokyo Winter 2: Electric Boogaloo

For a while, that Day Zero mentality from that last post stuck around with me...and it's been almost a month since that last post...and that in and of itself is baffling. It's also a clear indication of how the passage of time, great or small, helps to put things into perspective. I found myself slipping back into old patterns, forgetting about my intent to cut ties, doing some regrettable things, getting too close to backsliding just out of sheer loneliness and lack of intimacy. Loneliness is a real son of a bitch.

The sad part is, I don't know whether directing that attention elsewhere (as in toward the dating apps) was a net positive or a hinderance...but it's been a few weeks, I feel like I put in my time, gave it the ol' college try for the second go-around. Certainly doesn't feel like a net-positive at this point. I kinda hate that it's an all or nothing thing for me. I had previously attempted to just be on the apps and pop in when someone engaged with me, but inevitably I'll fall into the trap of swiping and begin to despair at the general lack of engagement. So I'm jumping off that train again. Focusing forward.

The good news is, time IS seemingly going at breakneck fucking speeds. I am almost halfway into my co-op term. Already. I am so close to the end of this damn saga of "resetting" my life. I waffled back and forth in previous posts about this wanderlust, this intent to just fuck off on a journey somewhere when I finish school, but then back-peddling slightly from that idea out of this nagging worry about the family and friends I'd be leaving behind. And even the prospect of taking a trip I've always wanted was starting to get put on the backburner. The Japan thing I mentioned...it seemed like I was decided on doing it right after finishing school, but I really wasn't.

I fucking am now.

This pitying, crippling fear of not BEING with someone is blinding me to the opportunity to do all of the things I want to do (that maybe I should have done) WITHOUT BEING with someone. My responsibility is only to myself and that is incredibly freeing...but I forget that part of it all too often. I started ACTUALLY planning the trip. Was talking to a very good friend about it, and about one of the stupid reasons I was giving myself not to do it right after finishing school: the fucking weather. I did the Google search myself before to know that the winters out there ain't that bad, certainly not as fucking bad as they are here where I am. But I seemingly missed something in that initial research session months ago. Ya know that thing on Google where if ya ask a question, a chunk of the first result will just be text across the top of the page with a potential answer for you? Well, the friend in question asked how bad the winter was in Japan, and sent me a screenshot of the response, and it read just like this:

Winter in Japan Winters are cold, with temperatures ranging from approximately 30 to 45 °F (-1 to 7 °C). Yes, it is cold, but if you can get past this basic fact (which is a potential “dealbreaker” for some), you'll find that winter is in fact one of the best times to experience Japan all for yourself.

Now...when I say the response was just like that, I mean it was JUST like that. I didn't bold that last bit of the sentence for my purposes, that is exactly how it appeared, there in boldface "winter is in fact one of the best times to experience Japan all for yourself."

"all for yourself."

I mean it's probably nothing more than a fun coincidence but Jesus fucking Christ dude. As Eddie Murphy once said in "Delirious," one of the great stand-up specials of its time: "Now that's a hint and a half for yo' ass."

So I'm doing it. I started watching all the old videos I had saved from content creators I enjoyed (with similar interests to my own) who had traveled to Japan and documented their favourite places to visit. I started noting down the things I wanna try, the places I wanna go. I'm planning the trip. Because after all, if you'll allow me to drop yet another quote from an artist I admire, Mr. John Mayer: "Who says I can't get stoned, plan a trip to Japan alone?"

Now, all the wanderlust and dreams of glorious Nihongo aside, that conversation with my pal was also great because...it was a conversation with my pal. One of my best pals. That relationship had been under a bit of a strain before when I was running the gauntlet of navigating a different relationship that I was no longer fully invested in. I got to see him today, and his wife. We had lunch together. And waiting in the wings throughout this whole fucking year-long process have been a rogues gallery of people who have stood right the fuck behind me and said "we're here for you." And more and more each day I appreciate those people because as bad as it's gotten in my head every so often over this last year, it might have gotten a whole lot fucking worse without that support system. There's gratitude number two.

Finally, though I tend to recount events rather than looking forward into the near future on this thing, there is something that lends itself to the great purge of my former life. A whole whack of my old stuff is sitting in storage at my brother's place and I've made a pact with him to go up there on Canada Day weekend. stay for a night or two, go through allllll that stuff that's been sitting there unused, mostly unneeded for over a year...and just fucking get rid of it. The donation box, the trash, yard sale fodder, I don't give a fuck where it goes but if I haven't used or needed it in over a year there's a good chance I don't need it at all. Fresh start.

Life, in fact, for the foreseeable future looks like it's going to just be a series of fresh starts.

I look forward to them all.