#and a little sad that anyone would get treated badly enough to think this

[princessfroslass]

I was thinking of established Huskerdust again and I stumbled across drama potential-

Ok so- in ep2 we are shown that Val didn't let Angel flirt with anyone that wasn't a potential client (how shocking I know) AND that when upset, Angel either drinks himself to oblivion, gets high or just....hear Val's messages. Which often leads to the former anyways. It's a cycle, y'all know the gist.

I genuinely believe that Husk wouldn't give a shit that his partner is a sex worker. He DOES care he is safe obv, but other than growling/glaring at randos at the street that say the nastiest shit imaginable while Angel is.... existing, he respects Angel's autonomy and trusts him enough to know that he is a professional, and that he only makes love to him.

Angel at the other hand, is all kinds of fucked up. He had been told for years that his duty was to get as many clients as possible- but he was on thin ice anyways due to Val's possessiveness. So he was always walking on eggshells based on what Valentino he had to deal with that day: the greedy pimp that saw him as little more than a profit machine, or the overly possessive, check-your texes and pin your location and fights with random dudes at the street that say hi- boyfriend.

Angel KNOWS that Husk isn't Val at all- starting by the fact that he had no control over him whatsoever, he could just cut the relationship out- something he obviously couldn't do with Val. But trauma it's a bitch, particularly when you try to cut your eons-long substance abuse, and there are times where these things get mixed on a catastrophic therapy-need explosion.

So there are times when, late at night, Angel would grab his phone and start to read the messages Val sent him- even long past their contract broke. He totally has photos of the two of them before shit hit the fan that he had tried to erase for years- and now that he is an committed relationship, there is little voice at the back of his head that sounds ALOT like Valentino's whispering that he is a *insert the most derogatory, slut-shamy term you can think of here* and that Husk would get tired of it eventually and leave- or snap and turn onto the abusive fest he was used to. And at this point, he doesn't know which one is worst.

It just gets worse when one day he notices Husk was not only awake and noticed what he was doing on his phone, but looked so...sad. Like wet kicked kitten sad. Before Angel tries to bullshit his way out of the situation he made up in his head however, Husk clarifies he doesn't see this as Angel refusing to let go of a ex- but as him having been hurt so badly by someone that should had treated him well and he is copying with it (badly), so no- he is not fucking jealous he is just sad about it all. Cue the cuddles and eventually, even if it'd take time, Angel might be able to erase the pics and chats.

[kairiscorner]

So I don’t know how to do requests😭

But I want to request some Oikawa or sugawara angst, like really angsty, school au! Where the reader and Oikawa or suga are is her best friend, but she also has another girl best friend, who knows that reader has feelings for them but stills goes and confesses to him even though she doesn’t like him just because she was jealous or something and like I don’t want a happy ending low-key hehehehe

I’m sorry I don’t know how to explain it honestly🥹

HELLO, ok so i hope i understood your req correctly, because MMMMMMM i also want this to hurt ... I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, AND IMMA MAKE AN OIKAWA VER JS BC 💓💓💓

“i love you... but you're not mine.”

🌼 (sugawara koushi ver.)

you used to love how he smiled, it was like every room he entered would light up and get a little warmer, a little more comfortable; like everything felt okay now that he was here, now that he was smiling and telling everyone that what they're doing is enough. it was hard for you to feel enough on some days, it was even harder for you to cope with the fact that you saw some undesirable traits about you–and yet, sugawara never let you go one day without feeling like you're the prettiest person in the world–and to him, you really were.

"come on now..." he'd whisper to you in a soft, loving tone and extend his hands out to you–his calloused hands that always stung after a practice match, those tirelessly doting hands that never stopped to reach out to you and offer to help you, to comfort you, to be there in any time of your need. he'd crouch down to your level and look at you with the sweetest eyes you've ever seen; he takes your hands in his so gently, and he holds you.

his touch is light, though you can feel him squeezing you every now and then. the best feeling sugawara has ever experienced is that cathartic wave washing away some of the sadness, self-deprecation, loneliness, and other negative feelings or fears you've got plaguing you at the moment. "...you're perfect just the way you are." he muttered as he ran the pads of his fingers across the back of your hands. "i know it's hard, but... i'll help you learn to love yourself; i already know you're really lovable to me, to the rest of the team, once you realize how amazing you are on your own... i hope you'll never wish you were anyone else anymore, because you're already amazing as yourself." he gushed with a comforting voice.

well, that was the most sugarcoated lie you've ever been told.

how could you not wish to be anyone else... if your bestfriend beat you to confessing to him? beat you to being his partner...?

how could you not wish to be anyone else but his?

you wished this was a sick joke, that your close friend–whom you always confided in that you liked sugawara, that you enjoyed being with him, that you felt happiest with him–that you... loved sugawara–had confessed to him out of the blue, on the very day you were going to confess to him.

it seems that they beat you to it, and the worst part is...

sugawara loved them back.

you stood there by the doors of the gym, your hands empty after you unknowingly dropped the treats you made for him and the letter you wrote that had all your love for him written out in words you could never have pictured yourself writing down to anyone before–

–all to have your bestfriend steal him away from you.

when he cried tears of joy that the object of his affections reciprocated his love... you cried tears of melancholy at the boy you loved most being taken away from you right before your very eyes.

"hey... remember, you don't have to be someone else to be loved–i love you for who you are, inside and out." he reminded you with a wide, happy grin as he held your hands in his–his right wrist donning the bracelet your bestfriend–his partner–made for the two of them; they matched... and it hurt badly to think about how cute and happy he seemed with them.

sure, he loved you, you could tell that much...

...but only as a friend.

[gayuu-the-necromancer]

gayuu, I wanted to ask what the toxic aspects are in the relationships of ikemen villains, I ask why that is what they talked about when promoting the game cybird, which are loves that a heroine cannot save, I would like you to emphasize that so that I can distinguish better, since I get most of the information from the comments or translation, by the way, thank you very much for that

TW - I have made reference to serious topics and some major spoilers.

If you look at all Cybird games, they're all about unrealistic forbidden love that always have a happy ending. Like someone said, they develop these games to satisfy various unhinged kinks we players have. For example, no one wants to be in toxic relationship irl, but we all love the idea of being in a toxic relationship or seeing two people going through a toxic relationship just for the drama.

Ikemen villains is, if we exclude the 'romance' aspect, it's an insanely violent game that has scenes of bloody gore, we see people cutting their heads off, their organs getting ripped off, all kinds of trafficking, people getting injected with dangerous types of drug, child abuse, child rape, mental illness etc etc...Ikemen villain is a game about a girl being witness to an assassination committed by a secret organisation under the Queen. For her to not reveal the existence of this organisation to the outside world, she has to stay one month under their supervision so that they can make sure she can keep their secret. And while living with them if she happens to fall in love with one of these male leads a.k.a violent assassins, she can either choose to stay with them forever or forget her love and go back to her normal life. No one is asking her to save them from anything.

All the male leads in this game also has a sad history like any Ikemen game or any otome games. Even though their past has some impact on their current personality, they don't treat Kate (MC) badly. Instead they all want her to have a normal safe life. There has never been the case where Kate is like "Oh, you have a sad past? Don't worry, I will fix you with my love." Instead she more understanding of their trauma.

For example, El is a victim of rape ever since he was a little kid. Because of his beauty, people around him either treat him like an object in a museum or touch him inappropriately without his consent. When Kate met El, she did always think the El was beautiful but she never had any disgusting thoughts. Instead, when she sees people behaving inappropriately around him, she would try and help El so he can feel safe. She constantly reassures him that she won't do anything that would make him uncomfortable. Kate also asks El to call her immediately if anyone tries to approach him or do something inappropriate. There is never a case where Kate was cringy and telling things like "Oh my god...he has a traumatic past! I think I'm in loveee~" and shit.

Another thing that is going on in all Ikemen games recently is dubcons. I don't mind dubcons as long as the characters involved have chemistry and the scenes make sense. But some people don't like this trope at all and deems it unnecessary. In Ikemen villains, there are a lot of these scenes. Even in Alphonse route that is newly released, I only barely touched chapter 10 and I passed through a sex scene. The problem such scenes is that when there are too many sex scenes, its hard to see both the male lead and mc connecting emotionally. I also think a relationship that is build on such kind of foundation is also kinda toxic because outside of having sex....what do they like about each other? But that's okay, because cybird doesn't intend to have toxic relationships that is only build off of sex. They give enough scenes for both the male lead and mc to connect with each other.

All in all it's a pretty good game. Yes, there are unhinged BDSM scenes but like someone said, it's just to satisfy people's kinks.

[mcclens]

Alright I'm throwing my own view on Arajin as a character since I've seen people shade him and dislike him. The annoying thing about him is that (as Senya said lol) he thinks with his other head too much. Clearly he has no luck with women and only with men, which isn't something he's overjoyed about. For that idk, I think its kind of cute that he wants to love someone, but at the same time its sad that he's just being used lol. But I'm not a fan of the pervert horny trope.

But I mostly want to focus on his whole "I don't want to fight" thing. Yes, he's a coward, there's nothing bad about that imo, but I think they're setting up character development for Arajin in regards of that, since it's a big thing holding him down. As kids, him and his best friend Matakara used to practice to become honki people, and it was really fun for them until the day when three older boys made fun of them. Matakara thought he could take them on, and Arajin was cowardly and probably knew 2 on 3 fight (with clear age differences) wasn't gonna end good. He tried backing off but Matakara went on and attacked anyways. Arajin ran off crying, and the picture of Matakara beat up on the ground stayed stuck in his head.

Nowadays, it's very clear that Arajin feels guilty. He feels guilty that he got Matakara to believe they were strong enough while practicing, to the point he took up 3 boys by himself. He feels guilty that he was too scared and cowardly to help Matakara, that he ran off and left him alone, even though Matakara looked up to him. Matakara said that Arajin is a really nice, strong guy who doesn't like to fight others, and he still believes that, he still looks up to him even 5 years later, he still thinks of him as a friend and holds his best friend stone closeby. He doesn't hold a grudge against Arajin. He isn't mad at him at all. It is Arajin whos still stuck in the past. This whole thing is something Arajin has to get over by himself.

Every time Arajin is around Matakara he remembers the past, so he tries to avoid him or brush him off, but Matakara still wants to be friends and doesnt seem to understand how guilty Arajin feels. ("Matakara didn't deserve to be treated this way", true, but I don't think Arajin thinks Matakara deserves it either... He definitely doesn't think Matakara is a bad guy or anything like that. He thinks him treating Matakara badly (avoiding him, not talking to him) would make Matakara give up on trying to be friends. Clearly, its too rough for Arajin to be near him. And the one sided feeling hurts Matakara in return.)

Matakara knows Arajin is avoiding him too and guessed why correctly; "Is it because of what happened?", "I'm stronger now", but Arajin is still holding that guilt. So for them to come to an understanding, both sides should WANT to talk it out. But its clear Arajin doesn't want to, at least not yet. His character arc isn't there yet, which makes everything a little frustrating since we are halfway through the anime and things are just now getting down.

I don't personally think Arajin is a mean person, he's a 16 year old guy who wants to get a gf and be romantic and all that, he doesn't wanna be in gangs or fight or anything. I think he's just insensitive towards Matakara because he has his own issues he doesn't want to deal with. Totally unfair to Matakara. But I want to believe Matakara when he said Arajin is a really nice guy. The dude looks completely smitten. It also kinda sucks that only time we saw Arajin interact with a friend was in a flashback. Nowadays, he has no friends. He avoids Matakara, doesn't really consider anyone else but Mahoro (lol) his friend, so all his relationships are currently one sided lol

[angidrawingstuff]

Faba Headcanons (mainly past)

Just wanted to get some headcanons down for my imaginations of Fabas Past and random HCs for my Story. (⚠WARNING⚠ . There are a lot of different sensitive topics that are not suited for everyone so please stay safe)

If you see any weird writing mistakes or bad wording, I am sorry :") I easily do typos without noticing and English isnt my first language

-Faba comes from a very unloving home where nothing he did was ever good enough for his parents. When he did well it was just accepted but never acknowledged. When he did mistakes on the other hand he was mostly treated like the scum of the family. But Child Faba still wanted to do his best and make his parents happy even if it was all in vain.

-Petrel and Faba are brothers in this Story, but unlike Faba, Petrel was sick of getting treated like trash, got connections to Team Rocket through the Internet, stole some money and left the Alola Region to join Team Rocket where he was atleast worth something. Their parents didnt care and only used this situation to put Faba under even pressure. "Do your best. You dont want to end up as a criminal as your brother, dont you??" (Faba did crime in the future anyway. yay. Also cant wait for Faba and Petrel to meet again)

-Faba has actually a very bad immune system, is often sick, can't do sports well and is exhausted quite easily. (But his parents didn't care and still forced him to do well and go over his limits)

-Since Faba didnt got any love from anyone, had no friends in school since he was always just the awkward silent depressed kid, he cried pretty often and wished to just shut his head off. After meeting his Drowzee he sometimes asked it to use hypnosis on him so he would fall asleep and stop thinking about how little he is worth. (I have an Angst Comic Idea for this where Adult Faba gets a Flashback of this and jdhufb my heart is aching already because it will be sad but cute in the end)

-He met his Drowzee during a school break in middle school. Some classmates were playing with their Pokemon, while Faba didnt had a single one and was just watching while eating a little. But then a Drowzee came out of nowhere and most of the kids suddenly screamed that theres an evil Pokemon attacking them. They attacked the Drowzee out of fear (because we all know what Drowzee and Hypno are known for), making the Drowzee run away. But..Faba noticed it looked very sad as it left. So Faba walked after it and found it hiding under a tree. The Drowzee panicked once it saw the child and put its little arms protectively over its head. Faba did nothing and let the Drowzee realise that he doesnt want anything bad. This made the Pokemon turn around slowly and saw that the human was offering a little of his food to him, which it happily ate after hesitating a little. Faba took a seat next to the Drowzee, comforting it a bit more and realised it only wanted to play with the other people and pokemon but got treated badly because it was a Drowzee. They quickly became friends and met in nearly any school break until Faba catched it. (I also really wanna draw this as Comic REEEEE)

-Fabas narcissism became a thing after getting to know Drowzee. His first and only friend he ever had. That Pokemon gave him something to fight for in his life but the neglect and ab*se that his parents made him go through nearly every day made it very very difficult. So he started to love himself forcefully and take pride in the things he can do well. At the beginning he could only be prideful of his intelligence but over many many years he became proudful in everything and threw the blame always on someone else when a mistake happend. He became blind by his forceful and fake pride and wanted to proof himself and others that he is a great mastermind...AND THEN DID A BUNCH OF ILLEGAL THINGS LIKE THE POKEMON EXPERIMENTS AND SO ON...YAY!! (Idiot //affec)

-He and his nowadays Hypno are very very loyal to each other. Hypno does literally anything he says. Hypno is also VERY overprotective of Faba since it doesnt want anyone to hurt him as in the past. Colress had a tough time getting its trust but after a long while Hypno knew he could trust Colress.

-Faba is super well with Pokemon that get easily judged and are very feared since he got always ignored and outcasted too

-After Faba was forgiven he actually got hit by depression, a huge amount of guilt, waves of flashbacks and an eating disorder (that he all hides behind acting prideful and acting fine as nothing ever happend). This happend because he couldnt accept that his co-workers were so nice to him and let him stay in the Aether Foundation. Realising the crimes he did because of his Narcississm remembered him that his parents were always right- He is actually just a nothing, a loser that only does mistakes, a scum that actually should just disappear from earth.

-I like the headcanon that Faba does Drag so I add it here too. With the only difference that the Faba for my Story stopped doing it after getting hit with depression and Anorexia. He became unhealthyly thin and rather worked while forgetting/ having no urge to eat. It made him think that his body is very unpleasant and stopped having fun with drag. Thanks to Colress he will start living healthier again slowly and by time, hopefully, show him his love for drag again.

In conclusion he was a very depressed unloved man but thanks to USUM Colress`s Sweetness he will slowly be okay <3 he needs hugs. a lot.

[jeonstudios]

hi author I wanted to come and appreciate ur work for dc! 14 was so good and I’m so happy oc stood up for herself, my friend went thru SA and a lot of bullying so when I read for a awhile I was wondering why Jks previous actions were getting swept under the rug :,( it made me upset bc a lot of stories that contain this content tend to overshadow the lasting effects words can also have on ppl and my friend has had to go thru therapy bc of what happened.

when oc shed her feelings to him I cried bc I also got bullied for my body in ms and hs and I’m so proud of her for being able to tell him straight. I remember when I was first reading JKs character was so cruel to her and it was so disgusting so I’m glad it’s being brought up again. And I understand the pain of liking someone so much but knowing/feeling that they could never like u back.

A part of me doesn’t feel like JK actually likes her despite what he says. I feel maybe it’s more of a trauma bond way or to make up for what he did which makes it worse. The 180 was just too much for me and I do think he has good intentions and doesn’t want to hurt her but his apology for what he did was not… just wasn’t good…

especially if their becoming for romantic I could never want to be around him thinking I disgusted him before and always be ashamed. It hurts sm to like someone so beautiful but to not feel beautiful yourself bc of that person.

I’m nervous that she’s leaving bc she could get hurt so hopefully her friends help protect her, it staying away from jk is the best rn maybe jimin could stay with her 🤷🏻‍♀️

also sorry if I made u sad reading this lol I was just in my feeling and me and my friend are a lot better now haha. Just reminded me of her and I and what we went thru.

ur writing is so well done and felt everything that she felt and although I went thru that i can tell u that from ur other works I’ve read before have also made me feel deeply despite not having been in those situations bc ur writing is so well done and the way u put the sciences together is just so amazing!! Anyways luv u author!

✍️

hello!! thank you so much! yeah, i hope not too many people stopped reading, thinking it wouldn't be brought up again 🥲 i know i would be a changed person if i had to experience what reader did, not only the sa, but how they treated her after (jk definitely included). therapy is certainly something i think would be good for reader, but i'm not sure she's "ready" for that yet. it definitely took a lot of courage for her to face him and tell him what she felt, and in a way, face her own flaws? to bring them up and reopen her own wounds? because how is she supposed to believe he wants anything to do with her when he said all those things? how is she supposed to trust him when he intentionally hurt her so badly? it's definitely not far-fetched to think he just feels guilty and like she thinks, wants to make it up to her in a way? because, yeah, he wasn't very convincing... and it would honestly suck, being with someone who you know knows all of your flaws and have pointed them out and more, while they're attractive as hell... so it's understandable that she left. but who knows what'll happen next? 😳 and dw, i'm just glad that you like the story and it made you maybe feel something. i don't want to bring up bad memories for anyone but if reading this story can help anyone just a little, then that's more than enough for me. i really only wanted to write a story with "real" problems like sexism and such and of course without offending any survivors. thank you so much! <3<3

[residences-of-the-darkforest]

Dark Forest Resident: Bluecreek

Aliases / Nicknames: ??

Gender: male (demi)

Sexuality: demi-homosexual, demiromantic

Family: Sparrowsmoke (mother), unnamed ThunderClan father

Other Relations: unnamed mentor, Frogpaw (apprentice)

Clan: RiverClan

Rank: warrior

Characteristics: poor impulse control, cold, grumpy, loves his mom

Murder Motive: vengenace

Number of Victims: 

Number of Murders: 

Murder Method: leading into traps, feeding to foxes, suffocating, bashing skull, slitting throat

Known Victims: Frogpaw, Brownstar, Mudfoot, Lowstone, Tigerfin

Victim Profile: cats who causes his mother's exile, cats who spoke badly to his mother

Cause of Death: throat slit (executed)

Cautionary Tale: ??

Story: 

Bluecreek's earliest memory was his mother's warm embrace, her purrs, and her voice as she told him how much she loved him.

His second earliest memory was when he had to watch, helpless, as his mother was exiled.

No one would listen to him. He protested, tried to cling on to her legs and wailed for her not to leave, for anyone to stop her and make her stay. But despite of his devastation, the Clan would not heed.

No one stood up for her. They merely stood by in silence, letting it happen without so much as twitching their whiskers. Anyone who did speak called Sparrowsmoke a traitor, a disloyal fleabag, and other such words that Bluekit's little mind was utterly distraught to hear.

She had had her son with an enemy warrior, and for that crime of love, she was to be ripped away from him, and Bluekit was to be raised in a Clan that saw his very existence as an insult to StarClan.

Not that most warriors said those thoughts out loud. That was mostly the words of the elders and senior warriors when they didn't think Bluekit was near enough to hear, but that didn't matter.

It wouldn't have mattered if they all treated him like StarClan's prophet.

They tore his mother away from him.

They were all complicit in her exile.

Bluecreek hated them all.

But he kept these thoughts to himself, shimmering anger that he kept under control as he played the role of the perfect little Clanmate.

Then word spread that Sparrowsmoke had died, crushed beneath the massive paws of a monster while wandering Twolegplace.

Anger burst into full out rage.

They took his mother away from him, ripping her from his side while he was still barely weaned. Then she died away from him, away from her home, in a horrible accident that she never would have been in if it weren't for all of them--then they had the audacity to act sad! As if it weren't their fault in the first place!

Bluecreek couldn't take it any longer. He couldn't stand to be Brownstar's perfect, obedient subordinate any longer.

He would hurt him.

He would kill him.

He wasn't sure how to do it at first. He didn't know how many lives Brownstar had left, but surely it would be more than one. Doing the deed was hard enough without getting caught on its own, but when his victim could come back from the dead to tell all what he's done?

He didn't have to think for long. The answer came to him in the form of two trespassing foxes. Bluecreek simply had to race back to camp for Brownstar when the camp was mostly empty--the presence of the canines caused an increase in patrol sizes. Bluecreek feigned panic as he explained that his apprentice, Frogpaw, was trapped and needed help.

Brownstar, as the fittest in camp, was the only one available to run after him.

There was a trap. Bluecreek didn't lie about that part.

Bluecreek only had to step subtly over it, and Brownstar, behind him, raced after-- and screeched in pain as the Foxtrap ensnared his leg in an agonizing grip. Bluecreek was going to finish him off himself, but Brownstar's cries of pain drew the attention of the foxes. Bluecreek simply had to hide in a nearby tree and watch as they ripped that mother-killer alive. No risking second lives, after all!

No one thought that Bluecreek was involved. It was just those horrible foxes that killed their dear leader and the poor apprentice that was so close to earning his warrior name.

Frogpaw hadn't been alive when Sparrowsmoke was exiled, but Bluecreek had no qualms killing him. He was a spoiled brat, and being Bluecreek's apprentice and having to follow his every step, he was also a liability.

Bluecreek had killed the leader. The hard part was over, but he was far from finished.

Next came Mudfoot, the elder who spat at Sparrowsmoke and called her a faithless fox-heart before he went on to call Bluepaw "the very embodiment of StarClan's disgrace." Bluepaw had silently promised then that the old bat would choke on his words, and he did, in a way, with the help of thorns tucked into his food. They stuck into the inside of his throat on one end and held onto the mass of half-eaten fish with the other, blocking his airway--not that anyone noticed. Mudfoot had simply scoffed down a morsel too big, that was all there was too it. There was simply no need to study his insides to confirm a story that everyone already believed to be true.

Then came Lowstone, the easiest. She was the oldest in the Clan, with frail bones and shaky steps. She left the camp for fresh air, but thanks to stones slippery from a recent rainfall, she 'lost her footing' and cracked open her head. At least, that's the conclusion everyone came to.

Funny. She left the camp and never made it back, almost like the same cat that Lowstone had called a frog-lover.

There was another elder that would have died by Bluecreek's claws as well, but he succumbed to last season's bout of greencough. At least Bluecreek could take solace in knowing that he suffered, if the endless coughing fits were any indication.

Bluecreek's final victim was Tigerfin, the one who caught Sparrowsmoke meeting with a ShadowClan tom. It was his fault all of this happened at all!

Bluecreek suggested they patrol together. Tigerfin was obviously put off, but he had no good reason to refuse. Alone and far away from help, Bluecreek confronted him. When Tigerfin snapped and called his mother a selfish betrayer, Bluecreek lost all self-control and tackled him. They moved together in a whirlwind of teeth and claws until finally the sound of tearing skin cut through their yowls.

Bluecreek broke away and watched, chin raised and eyes narrowed to slits, as Tigerfin wriggled on the ground, desperately trying in vain to stop the blood from pouring out of his throat.

Tigerfin begged Bluecreek to help him, pointing out that Bluecreek wouldn't want to be responsible for the death of a Clanmate. Bluecreek had laughed back at him and stated that he already was.

Bluecreek stood triumphantly over his body. He would have yowled out his victory if he wasn't shoved to the ground by Reedheart, Frogpaw's littermate.

The younger tom had disliked Bluecreek even before his brother's death, thanks to Bluecreek's inability to protect the apprentice that had been put under his care. But now that Bluecreek had all but confessed outright that he had killed Frogpaw deliberately, Reedheart now glared at him with a burning hatred.

Reedheart shouted at his face, calling him a traitor and a murderer.

Bluecreek had sneered in response, and sarcastically asked him what he would do. Kill him and become the same?

Reedheart responded that he wasn't like Bluecreek. Instead, he dragged him back to the camp. Already bloodied and exhausted, Bluecreek wasn't able to put up a strong enough fight.

In the centre of the camp with a hissing crowd around him, Bluecreek refused to show any signs that he was sorry. He looked them all in the eye and told them that if he could kill every last one of them, he would, and to not think for a second that any of them were safe just because he was exiled--just like they exiled his mother!

Needlestar responded that he didn't have to worry about meeting the same fate as Sparrowsmoke.

Additional Information: 

--It's possible that Tigerfin wanted to be with Sparrowsmoke, and was furious when she had kits with someone else (someone dead, otherwise they would have spoken up during her exile), and lied about her having a mate from ShadowClan.

[vexcraft]

CubScar Week Day 7: Vex/Allay (also on AO3 here!)

little things

"Hello there," Scar greeted the fairy-like creature. There was something very comforting in the way the allay circled around him, floating in the air, staying close. It had been following him for a while now (or maybe Scar was the one following the allay) and it brightened his day immensely.

The game had barely started, yet Double Life was already draining. This whole soulmate thing was messing with Scar - he was already bonded, he didn't need anyone else. Cub was waiting for him back on Hermitcraft and Scar was once again stuck in a game.

The allay pressed against Scar's hand, leaning into the touch as he scratched its chin. This felt so familiar yet so different.

"Do you know Cub?" Scar asked the fairy, knowing full well that if allays were anything like vexes, it wouldn't understand him. He also knew that even if it did understand him, there was no way it would know Cub. That was fine, Scar just wanted to mindlessly talk. "He's an allay too, like you."

There was no reaction from the allay, just like he had expected, but the melodic purring sound it made as he continued the petting still felt comforting - it reminded him of Jellie. After Last Life, it was nice to just have someone who would listen, even if that someone didn't understand a word.

"He's my soulmate," Scar continued. He had a good vantage point here, a wooded mountaintop, granting him a clear view of most of the server with the trees still somewhat covering him from others' curious gazes. "I miss him a lot."

Scar knew the allay didn't know what he was saying, yet he could almost swear it knew something was wrong. Maybe it could sense he was sad? He should ask Cub if that was something allays did, once he would get back home.

"He's not quite like you. He's not as touchy, though he likes touch - he just doesn't seek it out much. I always tell him he can if he feels like it, but he rarely does. It's okay though, I think I’m clingy enough for the both of us."

"Cub is very mischievous, sometimes even a little evil! People sometimes say he's more vex than I am, but that's not true!" Scar flashed the allay a smile, that despite being in his human form, was just a bit too sharp to seem fully human.

The allay whirred and Scar kept rambling. "He's very kind and caring too, and polite! He always helps me with things." Scar could see people running around in the valley, probably looking for their soulmates. His temporary soulmate was probably somewhere down there too.

"Cub would never leave me."

-

"Jellie," Cub sighed as the cat pushed against his legs, meowing loudly. She seemed annoyed and Cub didn’t know what to do. "You've already been outside, we played with your toys, and I've given you food. I don't know what more you could want."

It was a bit stressful, taking care of an animal. Cub liked cats, Jellie especially had a special place in his heart, and he technically knew how to take care of one, but he had already used all the tricks up his sleeve and Jellie still wasn't content.

Gently he picked her up, holding her carefully against his chest. Jellie immediately nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck, just like her owner sometimes would when they cuddled. It was incredibly endearing.

"You miss him too, don't you?" Cub asked as he scratched the behind of Jellie's ears, listening to her whining change into purring. No wonder she had been restless. "It's okay, Scar will be back soon."

Scar always came back from the games, this wasn't the first time he, alongside many other hermits, had suddenly disappeared. They always came back sooner or later. How the games had treated them was a whole other thing.

"He'll be back before you know it," Cub mumbled, more to comfort himself than Jellie.

Cub had seen the aftermath of Last Life, how badly it had messed Scar up. He hoped this game would be easier on him, though with the nature of this whole thing, it didn't seem very likely. As grateful as Cub was for managing to avoid upsetting whatever higher power it was that chose the players for the games, he still wished he could be there for Scar.

"He's strong, he will manage just fine," Cub continued as he made his way to their shared bedroom. Scar was strong, one of the strongest people Cub had ever met, even though he tended to downplay his achievements.

Setting Jellie down on the bed, Cub grabbed a few blankets before sitting down and pulling them over himself. Jellie jumped across the mattress, up to where Cub was sitting and curled up on his lap, rubbing her head against the blankets that must smell like Scar.

"For now, we'll just wait."

[scraps-pile]

so tonight I'm thinking about Max and Billy, and the complexity of their tragedy again.

like, it really is this whole domino effect, yaknow? starting with Billy... he's both a victim and an abuser in equal measure, and those two things are absolutely causally related. it's a complex thing to fully consider. you basically have to hold two thoughts in your head at once about him: one, that he wasn't always broken, and he was still young when he died, and it is a tragedy that he never got the chance to try and work toward being a better person... and two, that he put Max through horrible things, and he put her friends through horrible things when they entered the picture, and he absolutely could've taken his own abuse as a cautionary tale rather than an example.

to delve a little deeper, Billy's mindset seems to me like someone who was frustrated by their lack of power or control over their own life and circumstances, and when he tried to picture what having power and exerting control would look like, all that came up was the vindictive urge to take the place of his abuser at the top of the hierarchy... or, barring that option, replicate the hierarchy with someone vulnerable enough that he could place them below him. and that is where Max ended up.

the scary thing for Max is that she didn't get away scott free with zero influences to her behavior. when the boys were first trying to get to know her, she was cold, stand offish, abrasive... and this is not to nitpick or critique her behavior. it's just to point out that she was taught that she needed to act in that way, even though she liked these guys and eventually became their friend. part of it was tactical... she knew Billy would react badly if he saw her getting chummy with other kids. but part of her reluctance to open up probably comes from the fact that Billy is the type to hurt her using any tool she gives him. so she's learned not to give him any. or anyone else for that matter. her ability to trust is shot, and the best defense is a good offense. she can't give anyone an inch for fear that they'll take a mile, and Billy himself has basically warned her not to be a sucker by getting close to people. it's the nearest thing to real brotherly advice that he's probably ever given to her... which is haunting really, because it is both advice that he probably genuinely believes and finds to have been valuable in his own experiences, and advice that he made it necessary for Max to heed with his own behavior.

so basically... if abuse is a cycle, I think it's fair to say that Max could have a grain of worry in her mind that she might be as bad for other people as Billy is for her. and this goes beyond just Billy making problems for anyone she might be getting close to. (and don't worry, the racism of how Billy treated Lucas specifically isn't lost on me.) Max struggles to think of herself as a good person, in part because she has developed alongside abuse, and she has experienced it, and it's unclear how much that might be warping her perspective.

when Billy dies, Max feels relieved that he's gone... and that bothers her. she admits that she wished for something bad to happen to him, and she feels like that makes her a bad person. and the connection I'm trying to make here, is that Max might be worried that this method of solving that issue? where harm is the first tool your mind reaches for? isn't a non-abusive solution. so she doesn't feel like she can be okay with the complete and total destruction of a person.

obviously Max wasn't responsible for what happened to Billy. it might've even been impossible to stop it. but it would be so much easier on Max if she could honestly say that she 100% wishes it hadn't happened... if she could just honestly say that all she feels is sad. but there's also a question in there... what would her way forward have looked like if Billy wasn't dead? killing him wouldn't be a solution, so what then? could she have worked with and bettered that relationship? could he have escaped the way his abuse had already ruined him, and was threatening to ruin her too? could he have ever someday been the kind of older brother she actually wanted?

none of this will ever have a satisfying answer. and what's worse is that, like... older siblings are supposed to teach things to their younger siblings. they're supposed to show them things, or give them an indication of what their near future might hold. and Billy actually did that, in the most twisted way. he taught her distrust, suspicion, guardedness. and he also showed her what happens to the people that the upside down chooses to worm it's way into. it's hard when an older sibling dies, and you're left to try and live past the point where they stopped... but it's a whole different ballgame when the same supernatural threat that killed Billy is also trying to kill Max, and she has no template for how to stop it. in fact, she thinks she might deserve it. it gives her zero peace of mind to think that there was never anything that could've been done to save Billy. they were too intertwined, as family... it's understandable that she doesn't want to believe that.

[kittyrob0t]

I used to think that I didn't wanna get anymore cats because I couldn't bare the thought of seeing them pass. And yet, Lucky's passing has only made me love him even more, more so that I want to love even more felines in my lifetime.

I remember looking for someone to come with me to Binangonan, somewhere I've never been, via commute and was so shy to tag anyone along with my personal shenanigans and possibly undiagnosed savior complex. But alas, when I saw him in person, all of my thoughts felt small. He was eagerly eating the treats I was giving him, but probably because he must've just been hungry as hell and I was just a stranger giving him treats outside his cage.

So I'm here, typing this - seemingly cheesy essay, Like a Star by Corinne Bailey Rae, as I do when one loses a pet. If you haven't jumped on the wagon, you really should save this song for future purposes. I once rode an MRT when I found out, another adopted kitten of ours died and I was crying, mask wet - playing this song in my phone, adding only to the existing agony that was already there. I have so much to do, that even when I was recommended to take a leave, am still doing things I shouldn't even do considering I just lost a child. And I can't help but feel like I'm disrespecting Lucky a little bit because I'm not even dedicating all my hours to crying and sitting still.

And I have, earlier today; as I sat in a room with his body. Imagining that his stomach is slowly moving up and down, even when I know damn well he's gone. I really thought he was gonna be with us forever. Even in looking for places to move to, I always wonder about getting one extra room just for my cats, even if they'll choose to sleep there more than in mine.

He's such a nice soul, I wished people got a chance to get to know him. And even when it got old before pretty fast about people saying that even when he looks a little unlucky, he brings luck to people and to be honest, I'm only really ruminating in that thought now. He truly made me feel Lucky to have been his home before he passed. I wish I could've given him more. And I feel so sad because I know there's so much more I could've given him.

Lucky was so nice, and funny, and sweet. And even with the months prior of him living the way he's lived with his previous owner, he still was very sweet when we got him.

I remember the first time he was making biscuits; it was in my room, on a pillow that I wished was my leg. I wanted him to trust me so badly. I also remember not wanting to get attached to him the first few weeks, because I was so worried that with the strain of illnesses he had, I won't even be able to get him out the vet. But alas, he persevered, and we did too, all because he was showing so much promise. I really thought that all of his struggles were done, and that even when he did, we were stronger enough to handle it. It was so fast, like a quick rain on a summer day, a few stations in train transit on a weekend. I even saw them as my mom carried him in the carrier on the way to the vet, what I thought would be another day of worry but with the promise of him home by dinner. It feels incredibly heartbreaking bring home an empty pet crate. I will never look at it the same again.

I love him so much, so much. So much that I understand rich people when they make a foundation over their losses, because I just know that if I was part of the 1% it's another gig I'd pull. I want him to live forever. The house feels empty without him, Ponkan and Melon have been looking for him when we came back, and they were just starting to become friends. It sucks that he's gone without me. I know people often caption their posts that they're running free or whatever, but I can't help but feel depressed knowing I won't even get to see it.

Dear Lucky,

I know you'll never know how to read, let alone even see this (I don't know how optimists do it), but by some miracle you ever get to, I want you to know how much I love you, despite me staying long hours in the office and only ever being to hang out fully on weekends, when even then I feel like I'm busy still. You're one of the best things that has happened to us. I only wish that you feel the same, and that we've been a joy to be around in your final days, that we've made you feel alot better being with us, that you feel alright sleeping and waking up in a home with us. I wish that you felt loved by us, that you felt accepted. I will always cry at the sight of your pink tent. Now I'm crying like a whale because of writing that. I want to hug it and smother myself with it. I'm happy for all the times you let me pet you, feed you and even hug you even when I feel like you're out to bite me. I never cared. I love you so much I don't know what to do with it. You were so young. I only wished you were were happy during your stay with us that it felt like a lifetime you'd never forget.

[jslittlebirdie]

"Would you believe me if I said I wasn't much of a looker under this?"

He chuckled, but you could tell there was a bitterness to it. Always would he try to use comedy to soften the blow of what you believed to be deep, unsettling fears for him. But you knew him too well at this point. More than anyone else ever did.

"Well... I won't force you to. And I never will. But I truly doubt that you look as bad as you say, Jack."

The first time you had heard that name was when you first met. On one of your walks you had stopped at a little shop that sold coffees and treats, and decided to grab one. You had stood behind a man and didn't think much of it until you heard his voice. It was gruff, and it made you stand rigid. Never had a strangers voice ever transfix you as his did. After paying he turned, and you saw the man clearly. His messy blond hair, his dark eyes, and the mask. A black face mask that kept you from seeing the rest of his face.

Once you had ordered and waited for your drink, it was him that started the conversation. You didn't understand why, and you were sure that your face was bright red as you two spoke. But he soon unraveled you, and you felt so comfortable around him that you didn't notice how much time had passed until the name Jack was called, and the stranger had stopped talking. Once he grabbed his things, Jack asked if perhaps you could meet again, somewhere you could talk more. You couldn't have been happier to agree to something

Which brought you here. Your place, with both of you on the couch. Jack, still wearing his mask.

"As long as your comfortable-"

"Sue," he interrupted. "I don't want to scare you."

"Scare me?"

"People... they get nervous when they see my face. And I don't want to lose you because of it."

"Jack, nothing could make me scared of you!"

"Are you sure?" Jack asked, turning closer to you.

"Very."

He let out a breath, then nodded. Slowly, you watched as the black mask fell away from the lower half of his face.

"Oh..."

You didn't gasp. You didn't run or scream or give any sign of fear. But you hurt. You hurt badly.

The rough, jagged scars cut from one side of his face to another, in what some would think of as a sinister smile. But not you. Never you.

"I'm sorry, Jack."

"What?"

"Those... they must've been very painful. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Jack's expression softened. He truly believed that you would think of him as a monster, or a freak. But no, you were showing him something he never felt before. Sympathy. Compassion. Lo-

"Thank you for trusting me enough to show me this, Jack. For what it's worth, I still think you're beautiful."

Your face burned when you realized what you said. But looking up and seeing the man in front of you smile, it your heart skip a beat.

"Thank you for proving me wrong," Jack said, grin growing wider by the minute.

Heheh did you like this?? I hope so🤭🩷🩷🩷

I truly and deeply love this, bestie😭😭💜 It's absolutely perfect. I love your idea of this AU and I love your little writing. I thought about J wearing a face mask to hide his scars before and this goes so well for him. I love the fact that you included that I met him during one of my walks, hehe. Jack is so soft and insecure and sad, he's so...🥺🥺 It makes my heart squeeze in my chest. I love the way you described and characterized him, that his voice caught my attention. His hair and eyes. And I love the way you characterized me too, a blushy and shy mess. You truly know me so well, right?🥹 Our conversation is so soft and careful. And it's true, he could never scare me away with his looks. His scars are a part of him and they're beautiful. But yes, it hurts me to know that he had to go through so much pain💔 Ahh! His reaction, his smile is everything omg😭💜💘

This is such a wonderful and special gift and I can't thank you enough, bestie. I love you so. I hope I can give you something back at some point. You're the bestest angel ever.

[ablednt]

God though I have a complicated relationship with womanhood like growing up I was afab and by the time I hit puberty I so very much Wanted to be a girl but like. I never felt like one and I never was really treated like one either. Because of my disabilities because of my executive dysfunction I was seen as a girl not in the way a human woman can be a girl and more like how a dog can be a girl.

And that would've done enough damage on its own but all of this took place in a fundamentalist cult setting in which afab people's entire worth hinged on their ability to fit "ladylike" standards. Women were objects in this culture but I was a useless object, I would only ever be the thing doomed to perform gender it is not allowed to have and be mocked for it the idea of anyone actually viewing me as a girl or a woman was out of the question. None of that was ever explicitly stated of course and everyone dangled the idea of me just trying a little harder and actually becoming a real girl was dangled over my head and I spent my teenage years chasing it relentlessly and never succeeding.

So then I stepped into queer spaces and for a while thought I was a cis girl and just really miserable being a girl mostly because I never wanted to transition to anything else I just wanted to get any semblance of self-actualization you know? Becoming a lesbian helped a lot, I stopped feeling ashamed of having bodyhair and in acknowledging my attraction to girls was because they're beautiful and I want to kiss them and not because I'm sad how much more human and girl they are compared to me, my self esteem slowly improved.

But I wasn't there yet because my only tie to girlhood was still the misogyny I experienced, no one made me feel like a woman no one treated me the way other girls I knew were treated, but I had to bear the full brunt of fundementalist misogyny. Not only was I female but I was, in their eyes, defective and deserving to be punished for not being a real woman to them yet being female. Spending a lot of time around exclusionists and cryptoterfs wasn't helping at all because they equated being a woman to that same suffering that I wanted to recover from. I felt unsteady because I was less than a girl already and then I was told that being a girl is just suffering and I felt trapped.

That eventually led me to becoming nonbinary (which, I still am I haven't stopped IDing as that) because finally I was offered an out. If girlhood was a treadmill I was forced to run with broken legs, the nonbinary community turned it off and bought me a wheelchair. I didn't Have to be a girl and I wasn't worth less than "real girls" and outside of the binary there weren't really any standards. Sure hyper-androgyny was expected in a lot of queer spaces but I wasn't really that out as nonbinary so I could just kind of relax and figure myself out.

I spent a few years coming to terms with that and I started to get dysphoric over my body mainly because whilst I'd escaped cis-feminine beauty standards people still saw my size and disabilities and treated me badly and I thought that if I tried to be more boyish I'd at least be seen as a disabled boy instead of a disabled girl (as a little person I still look and sound like a child and unsurprisingly people give young boys a lot more independence and ask a lot less questions than with young girls) but despite having a flat chest I could never pass as masculine very long at all so I grew to resent my body and my voice for not being masculine not because I actually hated being feminine but because I desperately wanted to be treated like a human being. I didn't know anything about disability rights at the time or even that I was disabled so I just identified the dysphoria and struggled with it. I do think it Was gender dysphoria but it was just really compounded by internalized ableism.

Interestingly once I'd spent enough time in my nonbinary identity to take notice of some glaring issues re: cis women's treatment of transmasc people in "inclusive" spaces and started to talk about it all the women who treated me like woman-lite and insisted I perform that toxic femininity for them realized they could not allow me to say "as someone who's woman-alligned I'm calling bullshit on your transphobia" so people very aggressively started misgendering me as masculine. A lot of them were terfs and a lot of them just assumed I was amab because I disagreed with them and it was really distressing to fall right back into being gatekept from womanhood but now very blatantly "you can't be a woman because you're not Like Us you're a man or something else but you're not one of us".

So i unpacked some of my trauma with growing up afab but not Really A Woman and realized I had a lot more underlining dysphoria and resentment towards femininity than I realized. At that point I said "well if you don't want me to be a girl then fuck it I'm not at all a girl anymore. Why would I care to fit into some bullshit standards anyway?"

That lasted a little while until I made friends with other trans and nonbinary people who were happily feminine or woman alligned. Mostly it came in the form of a lot of light hearted "girl power" jokes and just making girlhood something light-hearted and free of any actual standards and that really gradually healed something in me. I was discovering a femininity and womanhood that was genuine and desirable, girl can mean anyrhing a girl wants it to mean and that was something new it wasn't the gender I was assigned at birth by a fucking long shot.

The past year, even though I'm still definitely nonbinary, I've become completely comfortable calling myself a girl again and using she/her in addition to they/them and now I know the problem was never that I didn't want to be a girl but that girlhood and most cis people's idea of girlhood are just different genders entirely.

I'm not detrans or anything especially considering I never had any sort of transition other than the pronouns I still use but I have that experience of "when you question your gender you unlock your original gender 2.0" and it's really pleasant is the thing.

[scentedchildnacho]

The black lady gave me it because they aren't under current republican hygiene law....and I told her hunger is too awful for me I hate starving instead of being called trash pick .....

Then I tried to share some chicken with her because she gave them to me.....explaining they put some curry on it....and to them it's Mexican cooking they as south border have more resistence to having to be so federally quarantined but she said no thank you she eats regular baked chicken and wants just baked chicken

I will eat it even though it's questionably hygienic....I use to have very correct state food plans and quite frankly it's of auchvitz it's being an intellect concept and I'm tired of not treating a sick in my joints and not feeling loved all that much

Hygiene is having....to just keep sitting with something and cervix ness for me...I notice about my culture they would maintain a lot of activity because something about systemic decline causes bacteria....and ritualistic correctness and I don't want north Korea to need my blood

To me it's just southern and they aquire more taste bud resilience....they aquire more tongue to digitize so it's homo genetic mercy to me so I may finally migrate and leave my sad constant confined life

I know I'm suppose to go over to the church tonight just to have mild tasting church food and watch ho give my Muslim observance portions to homicidal gross awful males so quite frankly I want anything that makes those mean eve ill youth sex workers go away....

That would be food not bombs

They made you wait all day to eat when all they had to do was put tinners in the oven and have a full buffet with vegan lamb rights

They wanted to call it Muslim rights observance then give a childs portion as all there is to eat that day that's modern day slavery....

He asked me if I would go to mount Soledad church so I told him it's like a jail up there and too be very very careful at all times because violence from the city and upper classes is all the time exceedingly cruel And willing to ...

The road by the Soledad church is just a compulsive race freeway in between la Jolla and other places so you can be hit like a nuclear bomb those people will hit you to break all the bones in your body and severely deform you so English artists...its actually the very old with zen careful slow behaviours that are best able to survive intersections at all times they have to have speed schedules so very slow and careful at all times

The states does favor adults as the most attractive people....youths here were not finally traumatized badly enough to want to be charmingly surrendered.....youth is the worst thing that can happen to anyone....it's whore it went around stealing as much as it could without relevant comprehension of and it's a criminal now....

Adults surrender their fertility to the care and maintenance of little people is the most important priority and people who get to finally be beneficent giant finally maintain an orderly hygienic good life

I think the sex workers are Christians though and he won't marry her and discipline her chaoticness for public systems and christian women are kind of powerful that way they have to marry men to control their tendencies to emotional sadism.....

Well you called me a bitch so where is train her

Because wanting to be trashy is how having to be trashy is over.....I kind of don't trust many jobs at all anymore and I believe the pastors I think that is subtly all they have unless your with barb smutts and contracted to Europe

That is why he shouldn't have thrown something at the pastor about meat balls I'm sorry but if it's have more food on demand then he also can contract food not bombs and finally do something for others other then bomb rush

That's housing the feds claim they help and truth is they would obsessively monitor southerners homes and figure out how to raid them for poor cooking

Fish is actually.....

Anyway I told him to realize the types of cars around AA wanting to forcibly be around the sex workers....and those types of playmates did steal your homeless safe house and sit in it like a hitlerite.........they are purely German and do not regulate their drug consumption at all ....their on pure liquor or pure reefer and its water and air to them so dont go around cars it was suppose to be engineered robotics to them and they have no responsibility or accountability.....

He talked to me awhile about the strange place it was of animals so I told him I suspect the Germans with family military there right now of being people who kept apes...or chimps here....when I have to see meat eaters treated like they can be murdered for it on sight that is the opposite of environmental....they owned apes and heretically refused to consume animals....

I told him I know it's really wrong to treat people this way....I have talked to the plants and I view the mass destruction of forests in the letter as maybe perpetrated by the animals I think they rape the plants sometimes they cry a lot about self defense

I think men this gross do have magic or mythic beliefs and raped the plants

He told me they stole his 🆔 because if it's his 🆔 he has to go get medications and take blood tests and they finally won't bleed him if his 🆔 is stolen.......

Uhm yea they shouldn't in requiem for a dream stole his mother's TV because she went kind of insane with grief and felt she was still talking to her dead husband.....

That's cop ing ones own family and I'm sorry but after I have seen ozempics try to kill someone of a weight loss pill I don't enjoy people who steal someone starveds tv

That lady that makes her elderly mother have lunch at the library this area is so psycho....be careful it helps put it's mother down to rest finally and it will go for you next that's psycho

Uhm I don't know but expecting me to be American impossible and cope with military service does not make me go bother my mother

[tangiblejournal56]

7/13/11

Trying to overcome this loneliness that hits me when I’m sleeping alone, & instead searching for solace in it.  It’s a tough & as yet unsuccessful transition.

Max making mention of his friend Brandon’s crush on me from the one time he, Max, Rachel & I were hanging out, months ago.  Asked him why he took so long to tell me of his friend’s crush, he mumbled some half-assed excuse, “I didn’t think you’d like him,” etc.  While it is true that I have no interest in Brandon, that wouldn’t have stopped Max from telling me.  Significance?  His need for me not to have anyone but him, juxtaposing his inability to have or acknowledge any romantic feelings for me.  Will I wait around forever, until he no longer needs me, has found someone he can let himself love without feeling like an idiot?  I would do anything for him, but what will that cost me, all of that struggle to put him back together enough for him to be able to open himself up to someone, & then I’m to be left again all by myself?  Not certain I’m strong enough for that inevitable outcome, I can’t steel myself so easily to a loveless existence as he can.  I want nothing more than to help him find  a way to thrive, but my small modicum of self-worth I’ve forged finally won’t allow me to be so resigned to such a self-destructive course.  And still yet my indefatigable damned naïveté keeps the flicker of hope that all my selfless work to help him will cause him to love me.  Which then turns me against myself in self-loathing over having to work so hard for his love, as I am so apparently unworthy of it.  I do believe him to be out of my league & lightyears better than myself, but at the same time, am I not also worthy of love?  My flaws are evident, yes, just as anyone else’s are, but I do have some good qualities, strong ones, & though I would never win any contests, my physical self is far from grotesque, some days even appealing.  I am not always a great person, but not so bad as to believe I don’t deserve love, even his.

And then I remember how I treated him in our relationship, & I realize why I would have to prove myself to him, why it would be my penitence to do all of that work & in the end still find myself alone.  Because I helped to break him.  And even after all of the work I still would not deserve him.  I was no better than all of those other forces & persons I despise so much for hurting him, killing the good in him, the optimism & idealism so deeply hidden behind his shell.  No one, not even his friends, see that optimism because it doesn’t fit their image of him as the sarcastic, surly, drunk curmudgeon.  I am maybe the only person not trying to fit him into this niche, this little box with its precise & indisputable description.  He is far too vast & encompassing to be in such a box; he contains multitudes, like anyone else.  But unlike anyone else, he shows this self to a very few.  I am as yet the only audience I know of.  He doesn’t just gift that self to anyone, you have to work to earn it, should you want it badly enough.  For my part, constant but subtle convincing of him that I want to know him entirely, without agenda or judgment, has helped me get inside.  It can’t be all, but it goes a long way.  There has also got to be a certain compatibility, he has to feel you’re akin to him, he has to respect your views & ethics & what he believes your character to consist of.  We think similarly, but with enough variation that we can offer each other alternate yet valid viewpoints.  I am as yet unaware of what exactly it is that I encompass that I am the only one he’s let in.  That is not exaggeration nor false modesty.  He has told me countless times over the past two years that he can open up to no one else, something so deeply flattering & at the same time so heart-wrenchingly sad.  And yet still, something I’ve never fully understood, as there cannot be anything so different about me than all the friends he’s ever had, all of the girlfriends.  This singling out is a large part of why I can never fully believe that he will never love me, that we will never end up together.  That & his either inability or refusal to end our emotional & physical relationship when I couldn’t hide that it was causing me to fall in love with him again, even after him telling me multiple times nothing will come of it.  Max is not the sort to let someone throw themselves away on an impossibility, even over himself, especially someone who means so much to him.  Proof of that in our relationship, in his & his ex’s relationship.  So how do I not read into his actions & interpret some kind of future between us?

I want so badly to believe him, to be free of this chaining of myself to him as it causes me so much pain.  But that belief is there, & to imagine a life without him is terrifying.  A such as he says I give him, he opens entire universes in me I wouldn’t have believed available to me otherwise.  He gives me self-worth, he gives me permission, he doesn’t even realize.  A relationship so beneficial & symbiotic, & yet he feels nothing for me?  I have such a hard time comprehending & accepting that.

In the end, I will do whatever is necessary to help him.  I don’t give a care to what it will do to me.  He is far more important than any self-preservation.

[bad-thought-overflow]

So... I'm a furry. I don't participate much, but I do love the community and a lot of what comes from it. I only preface with this because anyone in the community who reads this will probably have some idea where this post is going the second they read the next line...

I played Adastra. And it's destroying me a little.

I got recommended a long video essay about it, along with a beastars video from the same dude, and I got curious enough to check out the game before watching the video. It was... incredible. I've played other visual novels, even some other furry ones that had the same general vibe Adastra oozes with, but it felt different. The characters started to really grow on me, even just twenty minutes in on the spaceship I already wanted things to work out for Amicus and my character. I was intrigued by the seemingly simple premise, and delighted as more and more wrinkles were layered in.

But then it started to hit more emotional beats. Amicus coming out, and his awkward attempts at flirting, and then the first kiss. I was swept up in the fairy tale of it all, even as I saw warning signs coming up in the background. By the time the second trial concluded, I almost thought the game was going to close on a happily ever after, which only made the morning of the third trial hit like a freight train. It stopped being about flirting with a sexy wolf man, instead I became invested in the world and characters as the coup ramped up. And I cried for the first time during the first visit with Amicus in the dungeon.

When all the parent stuff began happening, with the monitor actually adressing and guiding my character, I again thought I understood where the story was going. I instantly agreed to follow the big plan of theirs, terrified not of my character dying but rather having to witness Amicus breaking down in a full scene. The awful day started with that ominous message from the monitor, and I was convinced that the bad things happening were just a vision, or that the monitor would turn back time so I could stop it. But it just kept moving on, and I got worried. I reached the big fight, and saw the death flags coming a mile away. I was fine though, I should have been, I picked the right answer didn't I? The monitor seemed to think so.

So I felt betrayed, and hurt, and angry, when the scene played out and it all became too much. I cried again, and kept crying straight through the entire scene as Amicus's dialogue ripped out my heart. I was still wiping away tears when the perspective changed and Amicus decided to confront the parents. Somehow, I felt like it would still work out for the best, but then the conversation turned sour. Amicus was faced with his impossible choice, and I felt that same hopeless anger when he accepted. I cried again when the two were reunited, even though I as the player knew that something was still boiling under the surface.

The final chapter of the game, I felt the same unnerving tension that my character was grappling with. I just wanted things to work out, so badly that I hoped the game would throw me a bone and let me abandon the real plot in favor of just existing with Amicus. No such luck. I almost cried out of sheer frustration when the special date went wrong, and then cried for real during Amicus proposing. At that point, I finally got where the ending would leave things, I knew it would be heartbreaking just like everything else, but just like my character I just wanted to enjoy whatever time was left.

The ending came too fast, and after too long all at once. Because I accidentally picked the positive ending, I was treated to the vision of the perfect future. I cried, easily envisioning it and left still wanting more time to enjoy it; and then the game ended for real, and I was left on the end screen of Amicus on the throne. I couldn't stop crying for another few minutes, half out of genuine sadness that the story ended the way it did, and half out of a strange hope that I could get something like that some day. I really just sat there, pining and wishing that one day I'd meet someone who I could experience everything the game forced me through with together, even the heartache if it meant I could understand the empty feeling in my chest. I only considered the game's other elements, the twisted fated lovers story puppeteered by what are basically gods, the resentment I found myself feeling after I realized how manufactured my and Amicus's agreement was to the grand scheme of things, after a day full of that same pining and half-contained sobs.

Adastra is a 10/10 experience. I'm glad I could experience it the way I did. That said, the aftermath has me hesitant to recommend it to anyone.

[ruumiinlaulaja]

Well, Halloween Ends wasn’t quite what I expected. But the stuff with Michael Myers was obviously awesome. It’s just a bit sad, this being the actual ending of the story of Michael Myers, even though I knew it was coming.

Incoherent rambling below. WARNING, MAJOR SPOILERS.

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

At first it seemed like the story was going to be all about this Corey character, like he was going to replace Michael Myers. But luckily he was nothing but Myers’ boy toy. Myers was already approaching the end of his life; clearly old and injured. Perhaps he needed a little help by this point. He considered Corey useful, for a while at least. Maybe he even recognized a bit of himself in Corey; it was highlighted how Myers looked Corey into the eyes and saw the reflection of his own eyes and decided to spare his life. But when that little bitch stole his mask (his FACE), I knew Corey would end up dead.

The whole thing with Corey and Allyson though? So cringey and gross. Allyson was such a dumb bitch in this movie and I could barely stand her. Way to ignore all the red flags, despite how pretty the guy and his blowjob lips were. I just don’t understand what the point of this whole relationship was. And tbh, I don’t know why the character of Corey even exists. As if ANYONE could replace Michael Myers. It’s disappointing that Corey was the one who killed most people in this movie, although luckily Myers got a bit of action too.

So yeah, I didn’t much care about Corey. I only felt sympathy for him in the beginning of the movie, when he accidentally ended up killing that kid. Lol, I love how in this scene the kid was like ”Michael Myers doesn’t kill kids, he only kills babysitters”, and since this kid was pretty obnoxious, I was thinking ”perhaps this kid should get killed in this movie” lol. I sort of saw it coming.

And btw, there’s another reason Corey wouldn’t have been a suitable successor for Myers - the fact that he had something bad happen to him that fucked up his life. He’s this pitiful character you’re supposed to feel sorry for. Myers was always just branded as evil. He had no particular reason for why he started killing. Nobody treated him badly, nothing bad happened to him. He was always just pure evil, living for murder.

So yes, there should have been more focus on Michael Myers, since he is what Halloween movies are all about. They didn’t need a Corey.

The best scene in the whole movie was that first murder scene with Myers, where Corey brought that cop into Myers’ hiding place. The way Myers’ breath was shuddering as he was stabbing that man, the way he was practically shaking… it’s as though he was being invigorated by killing this man. And the music in this scene, the way Myers looked… it’s like he was this ancient, legendary monster. So awesome.

(There were also a couple of references to the original Halloween, as expected. Loved the moment Myers stabbed a person and attached them onto a wall - again - and stared at them, tilting his head. Just like in the original movie.)

But, in the end, Myers got bested by Laurie Strode. And that’s how it was supposed to end, I guess. I’m glad Laurie survived, though.

(Now Michael Myers has moved on to the world of Dead by Daylight, because that’s where fictional killers end up when they’re gone from their world. Lol.)

In summary, not quite the ending the saga deserved. It SHOULD have been better, being the ”ending” for Michael Myers. I’m not surprised a lot of people seemed to hate this movie. The bits with Myers were good, but imo there weren’t enough scenes of Myers, since the focus was too much on some pointless characters.