#and a sense of social normalcy that is hanging by a thread

[notquitedeadpod]

Hey Eira,

I just caught up and really enjoyed the show so far, even though poor Alfie is so miserable I can feel it in my bones all the time. I was sorry to hear you had a frustrating experience with Spirit Box Radio. I loved that show and more people ought to listen to it. I remember you answering a question back when about someone wanting to intern at Hanging Sloth, and you responded that it was just you, so I can only imagine how stressful it must've been towards the end with the complicated large-cast episodes.

I also wanted to tell you that I heartily agree with all of the compliments regarding your voice for Neige. I'm fascinated by the inroads you took into French especially because the way you speak French is most definitely, er, let's say, not gutter French. I say this as a Canadian who spent a number of years with a very lovely and boisterous working class Francophone neighbour. And then you said "they're renovating a CHAteaU" in the most British way possible and it was so jarring I burst out laughing and inhaled a large amount of tea, and still couldn't stop laughing.

Since I missed the chance to ask you something for the Q&A, I was wondering, as a Buffy fan:

Can you please tell us about writing "The Body"? 👀

Nepenthe x

Thanks for sending this in!! I had a real journey with SBR, and I'm so glad that by the end of the show I was in love with it again. It's hard when you love a project so much but you're struggling with it and finding it hard to engage with. I'm so glad I made it, and making the show's finale was this incredible, massively emotional experience in so many ways. The fact the show means so much to so many people is so heartwarming to me. It has never been the show's fault that it was difficult to make at times, and I'm so glad people still listen and relisten and find things to love in there.

I'm also flattered by your compliments of my French. And yeah it's VERY weird to switch in and out actually, bc English borrows a lot of French words and if I'm doing a lot of Neige I end up self-consciously saying them in the Least French Way Possible, massively over-correcting lmao.

'The Body' is perhaps my favourite episode of Buffy, maybe tied with the RIDICULOUS musical episode. The NQD episode shares its title, and some of the sentiment, and it is a deliberate reference. The mundanity of the death in Buffy's 'The Body' is one of the most impactful things about it. In the NQD episode, the strange normalcy is all in Alfie's attitude towards the body itself.

The line that gets me in the Buffy episode is 'I think it's always sudden'. I'm usually already bawling by that point but that line is like a knife through the heart. The knife for me in this episode is Neige's calm support of Alfie, even though with later context its clear this is incredibly painful for him. He shows up, offers Alfie his trust, tries to be there for him even though it's weird.

Buffy's discomfort with the body, in deep contrast with Alfie's extreme comfort. Uncomfortable levels of comfortable with that body. I don't think this death HAS been sudden for Alfie. I think it's a slow, painful, and on-going experience. I asked myself, what would denial look like when all your ideas about social and cultural norms have been systematically dismantled over a period of years, and now you're a totally different sort of animal than you were before? If the only thread tying you to what you think is your sense of self is cut, what happens to all that conviction? Where does it go? What does it do to you?

The Body, and really NQD's whole S3, is the answer to those questions.

-- Eira x

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC is Half Demon and They Look Awfully Familiar

(Underground Tomb edition!)

Hello friends and degenerate sinners, this is basically a mini headcanon set for Luci’s kid!MC about how the incident with Luke and the Grimoire would go down in this AU to tide you all over until Part 3 comes out! Enjoy!

It was a normal night in the good ol’ HOL... Lucifer was doing paperwork at an ungodly hour of the night, Beel was in the kitchen, and Mammon was screaming and running for dear life. Ah... sweet normalcy.

The custard incident remained the same, MC got force-fed custard and Beel threw a truly fantastic hunger tantrum that culminated in the wall connecting to MC’s room collapsing.

Cue lecture from Luci-father.

“I am very disappointed in you three.” Lucifer rubbed his temples as MC, Beel, and Mammon awkwardly stood in his room. Mammon of course, was trying to avoid the death glares MC was giving him. Poor bastard.

“Especially you two, MC and Beel.”

“Whuh?!” Mammon sputtered. “What about me?!”

“I expect this from you. These two on the other hand,” Lucifer raised an eyebrow at MC who was awkwardly trying to suppress a laugh at Mammon’s aghast expression. “Should know not to act like this.”

“We’re *snrk* sorry, father,” MC paused to try and muscle through a giggle. “It won’t happen again.”

“He ate my custard...” Beel pouted.

“So, MC won’t be able to use their room anymore due to the wall... collapsing.” Lucifer gave Beel a pointed glare.

Mammon smirked, and if he were sitting on a couch, we would have leaned back and kicked his feet up. “Well, obviously since I’m a kind and generous soul I’ll open up my room for poor MC to stay in. My babysittin’ rates are quite high though-”

“BABYSITTING?!” MC snarled, giving Mammon a death glare that could probably kill lesser demons.

Lucifer felt a twinge of pride upon seeing his child give someone his signature bone-chilling glare, if he weren’t supposed to be disappointed he would have given MC a pat on the head and let them hang Mammon from the ceiling.

“Uh- heh- MC, I’m your favourite uncle! Me babysittin’ ya should be an honour!” Mammon was sweating bullets and desperately looking to Beel for help.

“Levi is rapidly approaching favourite uncle status.” MC crossed their arms and huffed.

“Levi?! Wait- does that mean I was your favourite-”

Lucifer was almost tempted to stick MC in Mammon’s room just to have MC punish Mammon so he could get some sleep, tragically, his common sense won out. “MC will be staying with Beel. He has an extra bed in his room after all.”

MC looked over at Beel and smiled. “Could be worse, right? I’ll replace the custard.”

Beel’s smile upon hearing the last part could have lit up the entire Devildom. What a sweetie.

MC still chilled in Beel’s room. They finally got to ask more questions about Belphie, and Beel is more inclined to share what’s up because MC is his big bro’s kid after all!

Because of MC’s half demon-ness, they hadn’t met Belphie at that point in the story unlike in canon. They were just curious about their missing uncle. They ALSO already knew what Belphie looks like because Lucifer gave them an in depth tour of everything and he pointed out all the portraits.

MC, being the sadistic sweetheart they are, went out and bought themselves and Beel replacement custard. MC made sure to eat it right in front of Mammon.

But my oh my, who was texting them? *gasp!* Luke!

MC obviously let their little angel buddy into the house (Luke did not know about MC’s parental situation at that point, keep that in mind). Luke was fun to tease a little after all! And it was nice to have another kid around, but MC would never admit it.

Since MC had literally no reason to be afraid of their dear old dad, they went right up to him and asked him if Luke could stay over. No fear.

“Father?” MC leaned on the doorway to the backyard, Lucifer was playing fetch with Cerberus. MC had never seen someone play fetch so robotically.

“Yes, MC?” Cerberus’ middle head dropped a slobber covered squeaky toy into Lucifer’s gloved hand, the other two heads snapped at the middle one.

“Can I have a friend over?” MC asked, trotting over to give Cerberus some pets. On the first day the dog had tried to eat them, but after giving him some much tastier bacon treats, Cerberus was sweet as pie. Murderous and dangerous pie, that is.

“Do I know this friend?”

“Yes, it’s Luke. Can he stay over?”

Lucifer wrinkled his nose and rolled his eyes. “Cerberus is right here, you have access to a dog. Why on earth would you bring the chihuahua over?”

MC snorted and gave Cerberus’ right head some scratches behind the ears. “He’s not a chihuahua all the time, come on, it’s for the good of the exchange program!”

The two had a stare down for a little while, and to his absolute horror, Lucifer felt his resolve cracking. This child of his was too adorable for their own good. “Fine, MC.”

“Yes!” MC fist pumped as Cerberus’ middle and left heads tried to join in on the ear scritches.

“But note,” Lucifer continued. “I expect a full report to give to Lord Diavolo on this whole experience.”

MC frowned and debated sticking their tongue out at their father, they decided against it. “A paper? On a sleepover? Really?”

“Yes. Really.” Lucifer gave MC a flick on the nose. “Like you said, it has to do with the exchange program. Now go make sure the chihuahua doesn’t die and leave you with a mess to clean up.”

The look of complete terror Luke gave MC when they told him that Lucifer said he could stay over was completely worth the paper they were going to have to write.

“What?! You weren’t supposed to tell him I’m here!”

“He said you could stay.”

“Why?! Oh no... did he demand your soul as payment or something?! MC! You shouldn’t have put yourself in that nasty demon’s debt! Don’t worry, I’ll get your soul back somehow.”

MC should have been offended... but they weren’t. I mean, could you stay mad at Luke when he just offered to fight arguably the second most powerful demon in the Devildom to get your soul back?

Now that Luke’s presence in the house was known to everyone, the challenge was no longer keeping Luke hidden, it was making sure Luke didn’t say anything that would get him killed and making sure none of the demon bros made Luke cry.

Mammon was the main culprit of the teasing because Lucifer actually had better things to do. And he had a (totally not a) date with Diavolo so he’d be back late and wouldn’t be home to tease the chihuahua.

Mammon’s status as favourite uncle was hanging by a thread by the end of the first day.

Asmo thought Luke was positively adorable and also very annoying. He offered to paint MC and Luke’s nails. Luke declined, but MC was all for it. (Their cuticles were a MESS by the way, they needed the manicure.)

Luke’s nails were painted gold to match the gold on his outfit! Asmo was quite proud of his work, and was very offended when he was not allowed to try and braid Luke’s hair.

“It looks so soft!”

“You’re not allowed to touch my hair, demon!”

Satan still disliked MC on the basis that they were just a mini-Lucifer and hung out in his room or the library to avoid them and Luke.

It was incredibly annoying when Luke and MC burst into the library to look for cookbooks and treat recipes after Luke told MC about his baking endeavours. Satan debated ordering a pair of ear plugs on Akuzon...

Or perhaps a laser gun...

Both would make him stop hearing the children’s grating voices.

“You two, be quiet.”

“We haven’t spoken since we got in here...”

“You’re breathing too loud.”

Beel remained the only brother who was actually decent to Luke, they all played Go Fish in Beel’s room.

Levi was in his room playing his new video game just like in canon, but he could hear Luke and MC running around outside his room.

He was fully prepared to do that introvert thing where you stay in your room until you hear someone say goodbye to the guest.

Levi’s eyes were glued to his computer screen, just eight more skeleton monsters to kill and he’d get the achievement! His attention crumbled the moment he heard the dreaded sound of...

Guests...

“Hey MC! Whose room is this?”

The sound of a door opening and closing down the hall caused Levi to jump in his seat. Oh no... his worst fears were realized! There was another person in the house!

“That’s Asmodeus’ room. Luke you shouldn’t go around opening everyone’s doors-”

The sound of another door opening and shutting made Levi pause his game and look at Henry 2.0 for help. Maybe if he jumped into the tank and wrapped himself in his tail he’d camouflage into his surroundings...

BAM!

AAAAA! Not enough time! The guest was drawing nearer... he was going to have to... *barf*... SOCIALIZE!

“How about this room?”

Levi braced himself for the incoming social contact... Fs in the chat everyone...

“We shouldn’t bother Levi, let’s do something else.”

HAJEKDJSJSJSJD- BEEL! BEEL JUST SAVED LEVI’S LIFE!

The poor third born slumped back in his seat, the awfulness of socialization avoided. He uh... hadn’t actually left his room in maybe three days... maybe he should actually go outside... enjoy the nonexistent sunlight, y’know?

...nah. Levi went back to his game.

Since the kitchen was broken, Beel, MC, and Luke went out and get AkuDonald’s. They were all out of the toy that Luke and MC wanted so that trip was a disaster! A disaster I say!

Just the image of Beel happily chomping on his eighth burger while Luke and MC angrily pick at their fries makes me want to laugh.

Now the question you’re all waiting for, did Lucifer try and kill Luke and Beel and then MC for trying to take the Grimoire?

N O

“Whose room is behind that door?” Luke pointed to the door to the attic staircase.

MC shrugged and hit their knuckles against the door a few times. “It’s just the door to the attic. My uh- Lucifer said not to go up there because it’s just full of old junk.”

Normally MC would scoff at the idea of being told what not to do and do it out of spite, but MC was a child, and like most children, they hated scary attics. They hadn’t even attempted to open the door in the month they had lived in the house.

“Hm, maybe he’s hiding something...” Luke puffed out his cheeks and knocked on the door. When met with no answer, Luke turned the doorknob. The door creaked open, and the two peeked inside.

A tall spiral staircase greeted them as they tentatively stepped inside. Not so-good Lord, the room was freezing, but it didn’t seem to bother Luke as he walked further into the room.

“What do you think’s up there?” Luke asked, craning his neck to try and get a look at what could be at the top of the stairs.

MC shuddered and crossed their arms. “Like Lucifer said, junk. Nothing important.”

There was a tingling feeling at the base of MC’s neck, their hand flew to the spot only to find nothing, but the uneasiness didn’t cease. Something was very... very off. A shudder creeped up their spine as Luke stepped closer to the staircase.

“Come on,” Luke tutted, placing a hand on the railing. “Demons are known liars!”

Luke was quite difficult to be friends with sometimes, MC had to admit.

With every step Luke took up the stairs, the sense of dread brewing in MC’s gut grew, but they remained rooted to the spot, it was almost like something was physically stopping them from getting closer to those stairs.

Luke stopped on the sixth step and craned his neck to look up again. “Hello?” He called out.

His little voice echoed up the staircase, he was met with no reply for a moment, until a massive shudder wracked both his and MC’s spines.

“Hello.” A voice replied.

Quick as lightning MC dove forward, taking three steps up the stairs despite what felt like electric shocks stabbing into their skin, and yanked Luke back down the stairs and out the door, closing it behind them. MC heard a lazy, carefree chuckle reverberate through their head, and a message that only MC could hear.

“Leaving so soon, Lucifer?”

...

Spooky right?

Anyway- back to Luke and MC being idiots together.

They headed back to Beel’s room to watch some Devildom kid shows, I assume Tom and Jerry just played on repeat.

Luke explained the reason he ran away from Purgatory Hall, and MC legitimately debated whether or not they should throw Luke out of the nearest window for all the jabs he was taking at demons.

“Simeon was going to go out for tea with Diavolo! He even said that I could ask Barbatos to instruct me on the finer points of baking!”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“They’re demons, MC! Simeon and I are angels from the Celestial Realm! We shouldn’t be consorting with demons.”

Once again, bless Beel and his lack of murderous rage when it came to anything other than food.

“MC, Lucifer would be upset if you broke a window.”

“What’s he talking about?”

“Nothing Luke, nothing you need to worry about.”

Don’t worry, no angels were harmed during the visit.

On day two of the extended sleepover, Luke and MC decided to go running around the house again.

“And this is the basement.” MC put their hands on their hips and kissed their teeth as they looked around the Underground tomb. “Perfectly creepy.”

Luke shuddered. “Is this house nothing but one creepy room after another..?”

MC smiled and stuck out their tongue. Their fear of the attic did not extend to the underground tomb. Not that they were actually afraid of the attic or anything...

“Why? You scared some big monster is gonna getcha?” MC teased.

“No!” Luke gasped. “I’m not scared!”

MC began to walk backwards into the darker depths of the tomb, their teasing tone echoing off of the walls. “Then come on! Don’t be chicken!”

Luke looked back and forth from the door out of there, to the rapidly disappearing figure of MC, he rushed after MC.

“I’m not scared of some dark basement.” Luke huffed.

“Why not~?” MC snickered. “There could be ghosts down here... tortured souls of those who were damned to Hell for all eternity~!”

MC swiped Luke’s hat and placed it on their head, Luke jumped at the sudden contact and began to try and get the hat back from MC.

“Stop trying to scare me!” Luke yapped, MC laughed and began to jog deeper into the tomb.

“Maybe there’s a monster that eats chihuahuas down here too! Who knows!” MC twirled the hat with their fingers and ran a little faster when Luke ran after them.

“I AM NOT A CHIHUAHUA!”

Sure, maybe it wasn’t the best course of action to tease and scare one’s friend instead of telling them what they said earlier was mean, but MC wasn’t the best at decision making.

When MC reached a dead end, they stopped and looked around, Luke crashed right into them. He managed to swipe his hat back from a now disinterested MC.

MC’s gaze landed on a book being held up by a statue, they padded over and looked up at it.

“Luke, do you know what that is?” MC asked, turning to look at their now very miffed friend.

“The... book? I don’t know.”

Truthfully, MC didn’t know either. During their first tour of the house, Mammon had interrupted the Underground tomb segment and Lucifer had to cut the tour short.

“It’s uh...” MC pursed their lips and tried to think of a convincing lie. “A spell book. Lucifer told me that it makes your magic really really strong, so he stuck it down here to hide it from Solomon.”

“Did I now?”

MC and Luke screamed and whirled around, there stood Lucifer himself, not looking terribly pleased with the two of them.

“MC, care to explain why you and the angel are so close to the Grimoire?” Lucifer’s words were icily calm, and MC knew that meant if they didn’t come up with a good explanation they’d be in big trouble.

“W-we were just playing down here...” MC trailed off, looking to Luke for some kind of backup before realizing what a stupid idea that was.

“Y-yeah! We were just-”

Lucifer stuck his thumb over his shoulder and glowered at the two. “Out.”

“Yes sir.” Luke and MC mumbled as they stepped away from the Grimoire, Lucifer relaxed slightly as the two walked past him and down the hall.

When the two got back up to Beel’s room, Luke suddenly gasped and turned to MC.

“You said it was a spell book!”

After that, MC got the feeling that Luke was no longer welcome in the house. What was the big deal about almost touching the Grimoire anyway? It could only override pacts and control demons-

Oh.

Balls.

Simeon got called to pick up Luke and before the two of them left MC assured Luke that he could come over and hang out anytime as long as he texted first.

Beel said Luke could come over and bake when the kitchen was fixed, poor Beel would have to do without Luke’s baked goods for a little while longer.

MC rested their chin on the coffee table they were kneeling in front of, stewing in annoyance. Their unfinished homework was practically mocking them, but the Demonology textbook was not what had them in their funk.

“MC, do your homework.” Lucifer said from the living room couch, he was comparing his phone to notes in a binder that was placed on his lap.

A grunt from MC caused him to raise an eyebrow. Their grasp on demonic language had improved, but Lucifer did not approve of them using their new skill to sass him.

“MC.” Lucifer chided, MC turned to look at him with a deadpan expression. “If there’s something wrong, either tell me, or do your work without complaining.”

MC turned back to their homework and tapped their pencil against the textbook, before puffing out their cheek and turning back to Lucifer.

“What’s in the attic?”

For the briefest of moments, Lucifer froze, he forcibly relaxed and went back to his work.

“Junk.” Lucifer replied. “Did you try and go up there?”

MC shook their head. “No, I went into the staircase room, but not up the stairs.”

Lucifer’s eyes flashed, he then took a deep breath and looked at MC. “Good, there’s nothing of interest up there anyway. If you did go up there you might break something or hurt yourself.”

“Okay.” MC sighed, trying to push the voice from the attic out of their mind. “What about the Grimoire? Why is it down in the tomb?”

Lucifer could feel his patience growing thinner and thinner with every question. “So it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.”

“Why not just destroy it?” MC asked, their question wasn’t meant to be taken as an insult or be malicious, it was just legitimate curiosity. “Wouldn’t that be safer?”

The first born hesitated before he answered. He looked over MC, before shaking his head. “...I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

MC’s eyes narrowed, but they went back to their work all the same. It would be about ten minutes of quiet before MC spoke up again.

“When Belphegor gets back from the human world, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do, huh?”

Lucifer’s eyes snapped up to look at MC, who still had their back turned to him as they scribbled notes from the textbook. His grip on his DDD tightened as he replied.

“Why do you say that, MC?”

MC didn’t seem to register their father’s clipped tone, and shrugged. “Beel said that he isn’t answering his texts or calls, and when he sent up a letter Belphegor didn’t respond to that either.”

“The life of an exchange student is a busy one, as you can see.” Lucifer forcibly injected his last bit of remaining calmness into his words as he gestured at MC’s homework. MC laughed at that.

“Yeah well, I still make time to call my friends and ren back up in the human world.” MC giggled. “And I’m sure those text notifications about his older brother discovering that he has a child would make him pick up the phone.”

“Belphegor might have a much larger workload.” Lucifer retorted, trying to keep himself from snapping at MC.

“But still, you’d think he’d call his-”

“MC-” Lucifer snarled, MC whirled around, the fear and shock in their eyes caused anything Lucifer was going to say to die in his throat.

The two stared at each other for a few seconds, before Lucifer took another deep breath and turned back to his work.

“Not right now, MC,” Lucifer whispered. “I’m working.”

...

To be continued...

[fsos3105]

Blog post 1

Reflect on the ways in which your ICT (Information and Communications Technology) use shifted (if at all) during COVID-19. For most of us, the time of quarantine between March 2020 and June 2021 had significant influence on our lives and our use of technology. What was good about this time, relative to your technology behavior? What are you not as happy with? From the perspective of the time in which you’re reading this, did your shifts in technology use during COVID-19 continue?

Like many people in my generation, I have grown up with advancing technology and I consider myself someone who has been using ICT almost constantly for a large part of their life. From educational TV shows as a toddler, to my first iPod touch, to taking college courses online, ICT has been a big part of my life and it is only increasing as time goes on.

The amount of time I spent on my phone and other technology I use daily increased dramatically at the onset of the pandemic. Being stuck at home in the cold early spring was incredibly isolating and like many others, I used technology to try to feel any sort of normalcy. For me, this meant a dramatic increase in screen time and social media usage to stay connected to my friends and what was happening in the world.

Studies have shown that social media usage increases during times of crisis (Venegas-Vera et al.) and this was very true for me. I felt like my life had been completely uprooted and I needed something that made things feel more stable. Being able to maintain communication with my friends was vital for me. Because my high school went online and asynchronous that spring, for months I really only spoke to non-family members online until it was warm and safe enough to find places where we could hang out.

I also used the internet frequently in order to keep up with and try to understand what was happening in the world. Google searches, Twitter threads, Youtube and TikTok videos tagged "World Health Organization", "Covid-19 rates", and "Vaccine" were constantly pulled up on my phone. Having access to scientific data from the world's best immunologists and epidemiologists at my fingertips gave me some sense of control. It also helped me stay up to date with the current health recommendations to keep myself and my family safe.

Although I experienced a lot of benefit from the increased ICT use, it also became very detrimental for me, often on the same platforms that were giving me positive experiences. I engaged in a lot of doom-scrolling early on in the pandemic. Defined as "when one becomes caught in an unending cycle of negative news", I found myself in an obsessive cycle of reading one upsetting thing after another in order to feel up to date on the happenings of the world (Buchanan et al.). In retrospect, I did not need to be as up to date as I was, but I truly felt like I needed to know every piece of information I came across.

As I was doom-scrolling, I noticed that I was reading things that did not seem right to me. I read people's thoughts on the origins of Covid-19, whether or not they thought the virus was truly serious, and other things that felt off to me. I realized that I was encountering dangerous misinformation mixed in with the real information on media sites such as Twitter (Venegas-Vera et al.). A lot of these false posts contained racist, antisemitic, and other forms of hateful content. The prevalence of this content made people who did not consume media critically more vulnerable to joining hateful groups.

As I reflect on my experience with ICT and the pandemic, I wonder more about the longer term effects of doom-scrolling have had on people. I think that a lot of people could have drastically adjusted their morals and values after an intense span of time consuming scary news media, both falsified and real. I would like to know more about how their political leanings have changed as well.

SOURCES

A. Verner Venegas-Vera, Gates B Colbert, Edgar V. Lerma. Positive and negative impact of social media in the COVID-19 era. Rev. Cardiovasc. Med. 2020, 21(4), 561–564. https://doi.org/10.31083/j.rcm.2020.04.195

Buchanan K, Aknin LB, Lotun S, Sandstrom GM (2021) Brief exposure to social media during the COVID-19 pandemic: Doom-scrolling has negative emotional consequences, but kindness-scrolling does not. PLOS ONE 16(10): e0257728. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0257728

[inspirationallyinsane]

January 7 2021

Hi Tumblr. I'm writing tonight because I'm feeling reminiscent I guess. I've had a lot on my mind for the past few days and I've been going over my life and I just felt like I needed to talk to someone about it. But no one is interested in your life story, I know I wouldn't be. So here I am, writing it out instead. I think that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I used to say that I didn't have any regrets in my life because everything that I have done has led me to become the person that I am, and I generally like the person that I am. Now, I'm not so sure that it is enough; the idea that just because you like who you are now, you don't regret your past. I think I might regret a lot of things. High school was a weird time for me. I can't relate to the person I was anymore. Tonight I was reading through old text threads and over the last week or so I've been reading old posts on my blog and I just... I can't remember that girl anymore. I was so obnoxious, so oblivious to what real struggle was. I was obsessive about something as petty and ridiculous as love. My main concern, my main focus at any point in time, was love. And as odd as it is, as much as I put into love, I was horrible at it. I chose the wrong person time after time. And I didn't see the value in the right ones. I always thought that there must be something more, there must be something better. I really didn't know. I feel like maybe I know now. It doesn't make it easier. But, I think it might make me less obnoxious. I'm so tired, Tumblr. I'm so tired. You know, when I was at Chapman, I wrote "letters" to Austin every day. I wrote to him because it made me feel like he was there with me. But he was awful. He was a pompous asshole who, in all likelihood, could've given two shits about me. Yet I glorified him. I felt like he could solve my problems. I think that part of the reason that I felt so out of place there was because I was stuck with him. I think it would be different now. I wouldn't write him letters. And in High School, all the shit with Emry. I look back on the way I felt about him and I grasp at straws as to why. Going into HS I had hoped that he would be there, and I had hoped that we would have some sort of connection because I felt that we could have such a beautiful romantic story. You know, meeting in kindergarten and playing house every day, not seeing each other for years and years, and then reconnecting in HS and finding real love. It'd be like a movie. But beyond that?? He wasn't the type of person that I truly would want to love. It's so stupid. I wasted four years of my life being miserable, and a lot of it was because I was pining for someone who, in my true heart, I didn't care about. I was chasing a story, an ending that would make sense to me. And I guess, I'm a writer so... of course I'm going to chase the story. But now? Now that perhaps I'm not a writer, I can't see the story anymore. Not with Emry. Not with anyone. Life is grayer now. There are no perfect moments with the perfect guy who suddenly makes you see color. He doesn't appear in your life and solve all your problems and make you feel any less anxious or depressed. You don't suddenly realize you have value or you're beautiful just because some dude is interested in you. There is no perfect ending, there is no fairy tale, just a series of choices you have to make every day. To be honest? I don't care about that story anymore. My romantic story. I don't particularly care about my professional story or my personal story either, but maybe more so than the romantic one. I don't daydream as much as I used to, but when I do, it is no longer about locking lips with the perfect man, it's about finding success and happiness in my career. About finally finding satisfaction in what I do. I have a specific one in which I give a TEDtalk about retiring early. I like that one. I want to have that someday. I regret the way I acted before. Even the way I was after I came back to Medford and I was hanging out with Zach and Alec and those guys. I just. I feel sad for myself. And the craziest thing is? I didn't enjoy it. I acted that way because I thought that their validation would somehow improve the way that I saw myself, or the way that the world saw me. Reality is though, no one fucking cares. No one cares about one person's opinion of you. I live in a world now where no one knows the people I went to HS with. My FA partner could give a rats ass if some random kid from my HS thinks I'm cool. But even a short two years ago, I thought that it would always matter. That their opinion of me would ALWAYS matter. Forever impact me. It's just not true. I want shit to be different. I want to go back and make it different. I want to re-meet people. I want to make things right. I want to change the outcomes. I want to change the way I spoke and change the way I treated people. I want to change the way I held myself. It is occupying so much space in my mind right now. I need to change it. I'm going to try to change it. And maybe part of changing it is just being better now. Holding myself to a higher standard and focusing on myself. Becoming the best person I can be. It's funny because I am 22 years old and I feel so ancient. I feel old af. And everyday I am feeling older. I yearn for boring. I yearn for normalcy. For something less dramatic, something easy. I want a summer rain. I'm so tired of the flood. Goodness. Sometimes I wish time were different. Because, it is 3:16am and now is the time when I want to pick up the phone. But I feel so lethargic during normal people hours that I don't do it when I can. Having this work from home job is really messing up time for me, I think. I've always worked better at night and now I can do all my work at 3am and then just clock in at 9am and take a quick nap before I have to do any training. Eventually when I'm not training I can just work at night and it won't matter. As long as I get everything done, it doesn't matter. I hate texting. I honestly, I hate it so much now. Like if I want to talk to someone I'd rather just call them. But I feel like maybe that is sort of frowned upon socially now? I guess part of getting older is maybe not caring so much about what is "frowned upon" as far as communication styles go. You know, I was genuinely worried about deleting my instagram and my facebook. I was concerned that it wouldn't be socially acceptable. And new people I met would think I was weird or people wouldn't care about me as much if I wasn't on those sites. That's so dumb. Haha. I don't miss it at all. And now, if I want to see what someone is up to, I actually have to call them. Which?? Is so much better? Not that I have done that but in theory I think that should be the way that it is. If someone is on your mind, contact that person. Right? I hate that now it's like, if you think of an old friend and you think 'I wonder what that person is up to', you just go on the internet. I think it'd be better if people actually talked to each other. Maybe it's just that I want more people to talk to. Maybe it is that I'm right though. And talking to someone is significantly more enriching than looking at photos or posts online. Who knows. I've become a technology skeptic. I can't get behind the smart home stuff, and recently I got a new phone and I miss my old phone. Lowkey, if I didn't have my anxiety apps and stuff on my iphone I would seriously consider a flip phone. I'm tired of texting and I'm tired of feeling like I should always be connected. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I don't know why but I guess right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads. It is odd because really, I'm not. I have my career and I have a home and I'm doing well. But there seems to be this impending choice. A choice I'm going to have to make, perhaps a choice I'm making already. A choice I'm making every day. A choice not to change... a choice to make a change. It's hard for me; being such an indecisive person. I will always doubt myself. Part of me is happy in my job and with my life, part of me wants to say fuck it and go back to school and study creative writing. Part of me is happy in Eugene, and growing more happy here all the time, but part of me wants to be in Medford. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. Part of me wants to be an adult, and part of me wants to stay a child. Part of me wants to focus on what matters, and part of me wants to stream League of Legends all day and just get really into that. It's hard. What is the right choice? How do I know I'm doing what is best for me? Especially when I can look back and see so clearly that in the past I have NEVER done what is best for me. Do I go against my gut because I don't want to repeat old habits? Who in the world knows about this stuff? I don't know. I'm a naturally anxious person and so maybe I'm just overthinking life. Maybe it is much simpler and time will simply pass and choices will be made and I have to settle within myself those choices. My brother believes strongly in determinism. I think it would be easier for me if I believed in that too. But I don't. So. Maybe I'll always be plagued with doubt. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it is the case that reevaluating your life every once in a while will cause you to grow. I feel like I've grown. Although, it could also just be that as years pass people will change. And the idea that some change is good and some change is bad is semantics and all change is just... unavoidable. Because if the point of life is happiness, and I don't know that it is but for simplicity's sake let's say it is, am I really happier doing what I am doing now than I would be in literally any other situation? I don't think so. I think happiness is consistent and humans are adaptable creatures and so I guess maybe it doesn't matter what you do. Hm. But I said earlier that it does. That would be a contradiction wouldn't it? Oh well. I also said that I don't know so. A healthy debate with myself is justified. A healthy debate with another human being would be more fun though. Haha. Anyway. I guess that is all for tonight. I hope you are well Tumblr, I appreciate having a space to, more or less, think out loud. This was helpful for me. I missed writing. Maybe I'll do more of it~

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

(1/9) Hey there! I’m going to apologize in advance over how lengthy this is, but I could really use some words of wisdom and prayer right now. Around this time last year, God sent me on the path that lead me to an LGBT+ affirming theology, and I’ve fully embraced it at this point. During all of this, I also began to question my own identity, it’s become pretty apparent that I am not straight myself. At first, the fruit of this process was good; I found myself able to support my LGBT+ friends and

(2/9) learn more about who God is and what it means to really be in a relationship with Jesus/who Jesus is to the oppressed and hurting people of the world. While I still experienced doubts and questions, I was, at least, happy in my faith and joyful in the places that God was taking me, and very certain of the fact that God was the one teaching me about these new things. However, over the past several months, around the time I really began to question my own personal connection to the LGBT+

(3/9) community, I feel like I’ve spiraled into a bad place. I’ve become angry and full of judgement at the church and people I know for causing so much harm to so many different groups of people, I’ve begun doubting and questioning the validity of the Bible as I realize the fallibility of human interpretation, my trust in God and my ability to listen has dwindled to almost 0, I don’t feel like I can ever truly know who Jesus is/it seems there are too many contradictions regarding the character

(4/9) of God, I’m terrified I’ve moulded God into who I want Them to be, not who They really are, I’ve realized that the Jesus my parents and I followed when I was younger isn’t the Jesus I follow now/we have a very different understanding of who Jesus is. I’ve become depressed and insecure and all of my joy feels like it’s been sucked out of me, I’ve been finding myself angry at God for sending me on this path when it’s brought me to such a bad place, and I’ve begun longing for the days where (5/9) I was ignorant and my theology different because at least I was happy, could pray, knew God loved me, etc. Now I’m just feeling trapped. If I want to keep any sort of normalcy and stability at home, I can’t come out or even talk about these things with anyone in my family, and I have no support networks other than them and my non-affirming church. The idea of coming out isn’t on the table considering how my mom reacted when I told her that I have an affirming theology, and I feel like I(6/9) can’t talk to anyone I know about that either. I feel like I’m constantly hiding who I really am and it’s wearing me down, and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. My faith, trust, and love for Jesus is hanging on by a thin thread and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should give up my affirming theology and my own identity, sometimes I think I should give up my faith entirely, sometimes I think I should just give up in general and stay in this destructive limbo.(7/9) I just feel so lost, confused, hurt, and very scared that the theology I embraced and that’s become integral in my identity is wrong. I guess what I’m asking for is advice, words of wisdom, and lots of prayer from you and other people who follow you as I try to decipher what Truth is, because so many people are telling me different things. I don’t know who to trust; I certainly can’t trust myself right now.(8/9) Also, I’m going on a month long trip out of the country next week. I went on this same trip last year, which is when this whole journey started. I’m hoping that I’ll find some answers and spend time with God while I’m away, so if you could be praying about that trip as well, I’d really appreciate it. I could mark this as urgent because of how soon the trip is (&w/out wifi) but I know I unloaded way too much on you, so I totally understand if you can’t get to this before I leave on Sunday.

(9/9) Ahhhh I’m so sorry about how (extremely) long and depressing this ask probably sounds; I’m typically known to be a cheerful person, but as you can see it’s been very difficult over the past several months. I think I just really needed to express some of my feelings, and honestly typing all this out was helpful in and of itself. Thank you so much for even taking the time to read this long essay of mine, and I totally understand if you don’t have time to respond. <3 Have a great week!!!

Hello there, thank you for reaching out as you’re going through all this. A lot of your story really resonates with the journey I’ve been on for the past several years – I also went through a long period of anger against the church after first exploring a more affirming theology and then recognizing that I am gay and nonbinary. Questioning everything you were taught – and that people you respect and love believe – is a painful and frustrating process.

As you work through your anger, I recommend starting with this post. I also want to say that feeling anger against injustice and oppression is not necessarily a bad thing, when it is anger that stirs to action rather than anger that you wallow in and makes you turn away from people. You can learn to feel the anger and indignation you feel in constructive ways – like Jesus overturning tables in the temple to protest greedy money-making schemes, or daring people to throw the first stone only if they’re without sin. The linked post has another linked post (I like links too much) that discusses recognizing “good” anger and poisonous anger – indignation you can use to work for God’s justice versus anger that harms you. 

I also want to stress that this journey is going to take a lot of time. I know it’s frustrating to hear that, but recovering from church hurt takes years. One day, you’ll be able to find a church community that affirms LGBTA+ people and works for their rights as well as the rights of other oppressed groups. For now, hang in there – know that there are such churches, that there are so many churches doing good work rather than causing harm. And I have a lot of hope that such churches will increase – that this broken Body of Christ will start healing a bit more, very soon – because so many youth are desperate for good fruit and justice. 

And since you bring up good fruit in your ask – if you have read many of the posts on this blog you know I love the idea of good fruit, of seeing what fruit a doctrine or action or message bears. Still, it’s not a flawless concept, because often the true fruit of a thing is obscured – the good fruit that I believe comes from embracing how we were made as LGBTA+ Christians, for instance, is often tainted by the fruits that homophobia/transphobia and fear, reactions to our coming out, and isolation when we can’t find community produce.

It is okay to be worried that you’re wrong, friend. When we come to an understanding about God or faith, when we interpret scripture or theology, I am confident that God gives us a lot of grace when we get things wrong or not-quite-right. Keep praying, keep hoping, and (I know it’s frustrating to hear, but) keep waiting. You’re at a really hard point in your life when it comes to your circumstances – being stuck somewhere that you have to stay closeted is tough, and isolating, and fearful. Sometimes – like Hagar waiting for the day she can be free of her oppressors, like Israel waiting for God to liberate them from various empires, like the whole church awaiting the second coming of Jesus to fully bring about the New Creation he has already secured – all we can do is wait.

A new day is coming. And in the meantime, we do what we can, what we must, to survive. For you, that means protecting yourself from being outted – taking care to keep any places online that you talk about being LGBT secure from family; finding ways to cope when they say harmful things that you can’t respond to – and finding community where you can, such as online. This post has a lot of tips for coping with homophobia while in the closet. 

Moving on, no matter what where we are in our faith, there is always the danger that we’ll mold God into our own image, and I think it’s wise of you to recognize that. The thing is that God is so much vaster than any one picture we can get of Them – there was truth in how you saw God in the past, and there is truth in how you see God now. Neither is the full picture; the goal is to get as close as we humanly can to grasping who and what God is – without daring to think we could ever really get all that close, if that makes sense. Some of the posts in the nature of God tag might be helpful to you. 

It’s also startling when you realize that you have a completely different understanding of God or Jesus than you used to. This answer to an older ask has some advice for getting to know God again, for figuring out what you do and don’t believe of Them. 

I also recommend something that I plan on doing myself – re-reading the Gospels. Come to them with as blank a slate as possible in regards to who Jesus is – because so much of how we think of Jesus is informed by popular images of him, what others emphasize in his ministry and words, how we grew up thinking of him, and so on. So go read the Gospels – see what they really show. If you don’t have time for all four right now, I recommend selecting one synoptic Gospel to start with (Mark, Matthew, or Luke), and if you have time later pick John as the second one you read.This site has some quick notes on each Gospel if you want to pick based on content and style. I recommend Luke as it’s my favorite – but maybe I’m biased because that’s the most “social justice-y” of the three haha. It’s also the longest of the three so it contains a good number of the stories. I urge you to read the Gospels with footnotes of some kind – if you have a Bible that has good commentary footnotes, use it! If you don’t and don’t have time or money to get one, Lumina is a good Bible app with tons of footnotes (so many it can be overwhelming, really, but you don’t have to read them all).

I need to wrap this up because I have to go somewhere but I want to make sure to post this before your trip. I know I didn’t address your struggles with the Bible super thoroughly, but for now I will recommend looking through our reading and studying the Bible tag and maybe our interpretation tag. I get so frustrated about the Bible sometimes, I want to throw it across the room for all the harm it has done – but I don’t. Because at the same time, by some miracle of God, the prejudices it preserves are also utterly broken down by the stories within it – it holds a lot of prejudice, but it also holds the most powerful liberating bent I know of. God works with people – the people of the stories, the people who recorded them – as they are, flawed just like us, in order to tell a greater story of liberation and the marginalized being lifted up above their oppressors.

I hope that even if this post doesn’t do much more for you, it helps you feel less alone. I really, really feel for you: I also miss past years where faith felt much easier – in high school, I had hardly any doubts, I felt God’s presence clearly very frequently; nowadays, I often feel like there’s a thick veil between me and God, that my faith has deeper valleys than high hills.But I still thank God that I have been on this journey – that my faith has transformed so much. Because with the faith I now have – my beliefs that God calls me to seminary and to marry a woman, that God stands with the oppressed and that I must too, that I can be genderqueer and in being so I push beyond binaries just as God does – even when it is flickering and tiny compared to my old faith, is a faith I use to bear more good fruit for others. And I’ve got a lot of hope that things are going to get better – that as I progress down this path my faith will build up again. Because it already has, from its lowest point to where I am right now. 

I know you won’t have wifi on your trip, but once you’re back, I recommend looking through our FAQ. You’ll find posts on how we “justify” our faith, how we deal with guilt and church hurt and starting dialogues, on being in the closet and finding community, on the nature of God and on reading the Bible, and on prayer and faith and more. I think more posts than I can link here are on that FAQ that will help you through this journey. 

And if there was a part of your ask I did not address, please let me know! Ask more questions, request more prayers – whatever you need.

I’ll be praying for you.

And if anyone has more advice or encouragement for anon, please share!

God of hard journeys,Your feet know the long walk along rocky paths and waterless stretches; and you know intimately what it is like to undergo struggles of the mind as well as the body. Hold this person close to your heart as they work through their fears and doubts and struggle with feeling isolated and lonely. Send your Spirit of knowledge and understanding as they seek to find You in scripture and in the world around them. Send also your courage and hope as they get through this time in a home not always friendly to who they are. Do not let them despair, but let them wrestle with you, and let them see as much of your face as a human mind can grasp.

As they begin their month-long trip, walk right by their side. Protect them and guide them, and may they be open to receive what this trip can give them. May they learn much and find much joy; may they serve you in all that they do there.

Unknowable God, let this person know you. Ever-present God, let them feel you near. Liberator God, lift the burdens of fear and doubt they carry with them. And I praise you, for I know that you always, always walk with them.Amen.    

[cm-sheridan-writes]

2E

You’ve been living in the same apartment building in a busy section of downtown for years now. At least long enough that you shrugged as you noticed the nail holes in the walls as you readjusted your new shadowboxes -- meant to hold the shells from your recent vacation with your family to St. Augustine. You’d lucked out and managed to snag the corner apartment when you’d arrived fresh from college and ready to plunge into the Real World with your Adult Job and Responsibilities. The windows were a must, as you lived for summers and thought very seriously of getting a timeshare for the winter months. They gave you a view of the park a block over, the mom-and-pop bakery that had become your go-to spot for coffee and bagels on the way to work, and a straight-shot view of the city’s university several blocks down.

Your building is far enough away that rent is fairly reasonable for a college student in debt, and so while you build friendships with the long-term residents (Sr. Muñoz always comes by with extra sauces from the care packages his son ships him, and Ms. Geltzer is ever eager for visitors so that she can show off her extensive collection of artwork gathered while she toured with the ballet), you also witness a revolving set of perpetually young, perpetually exhausted twenty-somethings haul their cardboard boxes into and out of the building’s large, double-paned glass doors. On occasion, you’ve helped, but for the most part, they have a caravan of friends to laugh and yell with as they lug ratty couches and Home Essentials desks and coffee tables up the stairs.

There’s one apartment in particular on your floor that seems permanently reserved for the students. Unfortunately, it shares a wall with your own kitchen and living room. Some years, you luck out with a quiet person who seems just to skulk back and forth from the staircase and their door, weighed down with books and binders. Other years, your sleep is interrupted by more social denizens with time and money to spend on parties. For a semester, you’d found yourself sharing the wall with an engineering student. She was nice enough, and her socialization was limited to a few friends and a girlfriend (boyfriend? You were never quite certain, but after all, it wasn’t really any of your business, and more importantly, they seem to treat each other with respect), but the muted explosions and increasingly strong odor of smoke and burnt electronics eventually had drawn complaints. You’d thought that this particular student is not the worst of the bunch, but there was the constant concern that she would light the place on fire while trying to complete her homework. So she moved out at semester, right after finals, and the relative normalcy ended.

This is when she moves in.

It’s a cold evening a week before Christmas when you bump into a parka with legs. To your surprise, the parka squeaks and starts apologizing, and then a knit cap is being pulled off what you find out is a head, and a young woman of small-to-medium height is staring up at you. She has very large eyes, and your stutter comes back just a little bit as you brush off her apology. She doesn’t seem to notice the stutter. She has a duffel bag slung over her shoulder and a box of plants in her arms. You chat about plants for a while, and then she ends up walking with you to your hallway. Upon realizing that you two are neighbors, you exchange introductions, and you offer to help her with the rest of her belongings. She declines with a weary smile and says she’s almost done.

You sense that she wants to finish, and the conversation ends with empty promises to hang out. You’ve never hung out with any of the students. She gives you another tight, tired smile, and then disappears through her doorway. You head back into your own apartment, but remembering that you wanted to check the mail, head out again. Out of habit, you glance through the doorway of 2E and see the woman, coat now shed, walk the opposite way with a box from your personal favorite computer store in her arms. You keep walking, reminding yourself not to peer through doorways you aren’t invited to.

That night, you hear a faint buzzing whine at the edges of the darkness around you, and after staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to trace the noise, you give up. Your new neighbor has been quiet, and the smell of smoke has finally cleared.

A few days later, you come home, your date’s arm slipped through your own and with her pressing laughingly against your side. You are both a little drunk, alcohol filling you with false warmth and maybe not-so-fake affection. It’s still early, so you invite her in, curious about where the evening and her company will take you.

The two of you have settled on the couch, and you’re considering her legs and tracing the sheen knit of her nylons when she straightens, eyebrows knit together and an inquisitive smile on her face. “Is that…” her head inclines to the wall, and you hear a voice through the walls, sometimes humming, sometimes singing. “Oh my god,” she laughs, fully facing the wall now. “Your neighbor is singing ‘Breaking Free’.”

Memories of watching High School Musical when it first released on television trickle back to you, and you laugh as well. “That’s a movie I haven’t thought of in forever,” you say, taking the opportunity to lean in just a little, as if to tell a secret. “Kind of glad I didn’t. It wasn’t a great movie.”

You don’t notice as the lights seem to flicker just a little -- they do that, as the wiring is kind of old -- but your date pulls back, looking wide-eyed at the wall. The singing has stopped. “How thin are your walls?” she asks, still giggling because of the wine from dinner.

“Somewhat.” A thread of guilt starts to snake its way through you. You’re a little worried that 2E heard you, but a few seconds later, she starts up again at the same volume, starting a new song from the same musical. “Ah, see? She probably had to go pee or something.”

Your date seems to believe this, and the two of you get closer and manage to drown out the looped performance from next door. She stays the night, and you lend her a phone charger. Your bedroom is on the opposite side of the apartment. Both of you forget about 2E.

This is the last time you see your date in person. She leaves the following morning considerably more disgruntled. Your phone charger didn’t work, she says, staring down at the screen disgustedly. You apologize and offer to try another, but she waves this off. She didn’t sleep well, she says, citing dreams interrupted by a strange whine. She sniffs the air as well, and coughs. Starting to say something, she catches herself and instead gives you a glassy smile, saying that she had fun but that she wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to get home. Your offers of a ride and then cab fare are rebuffed, and she leaves. Weeks later, you pass by her, and she’s with someone else. You don’t mind at this point.

Now, though, you watch her leave and wonder wildly what could have brought the change. As you start to analyze everything from the start of dinner the previous night, the scent of coffee starts to tickle your nose. You haven’t made coffee, but you are tired. You check your own phone and see that it is dead, which is puzzling because you too had charged yours. Maybe it was that faulty wiring; you’ll get the landlord to look into it.

Two weeks later, you come back from Christmas with your family to see a small rectangle just a little wider and longer than your hand sitting neatly in front of your door. It is wrapped in the funnies page, with a thin ribbon tied in a limp bow. The tag reads “To: 2F”, but the From field is blank. You tuck it under your arm just long enough to unlock your door and drop your duffel bag on the ground before opening the present, and your eyebrows knit together.

You have been knocking on 2E’s door for a few minutes when Sr. Muñoz’s door opens across the hall, and he informs you that 2E still isn’t back. She’d left a few days before you after asking the landlord to look after her plants, of which there were apparently several. He nods at your hands, and asks who gave it to you. You shrug, a DVD copy of High School Musical in your grasp.

The landlord tells you that the wiring isn’t faulty, but your phone and now your laptop refuse to charge in the apartment. In fact, your laptop refuses to turn on as soon as you set foot on your floor. A few hours were spent testing the exact limits, but as soon as you hit the top step, it switches off. The manufacturer is bewildered as well, and after several diagnostics sessions and even a trip to the store, no one has any conclusions. Your laptop is replaced, but seems to be exhibiting the same behavior. Your friends all start to report problems with their devices while at your apartment, but thankfully, the Chromecast seems to work just fine, as does your Wi-fi. Your friends start carrying extra battery packs around with them when they come to visit, as do you. You start reading more to save power for phone calls and other important things.

When the semester starts up, the smell of coffee becomes even more pervasive, especially whenever you pass the woman from 2E in the hallway. She is usually in some state of bedhead and grogginess, though there are a few occasions where she actually smiles with lipsticked lips, her hair styled and a skirt flowing around her legs. One such Friday evening, you say, “You look very nice,” and she says, “Thank you,” before bundling up in her parka again. You’re not sure when she gets back, but suddenly, your phone is at 100% charge. This lasts only a few days, but you get through several seasons of Angel on Netflix while it does. Your computer still doesn’t turn on.

As the semester progresses, you still occasionally hear singing from her side of the wall, though you’ve taken to working late at the office since your laptop still refuses to power on at home. You start coming back very late, and start finding yourself walking back with her as she’s returned from the trudge from campus. A memory of burnt coffee seems to press at your brain as you walk, but your eyes are fuzzy with sleep, and you want only to get to bed. You two never speak, but while you start to get ready for bed, you hear a light tapping of computer keys. You make a mental note to ask her if she’s having computer issues; somehow, you know that she’s studying computer science. Maybe she’s experienced something like this in the past, or studied something like it. Perhaps, but you never remember the next time you see her. Her eyes are always wide and red these nights.

Some nights, other students come over, and if you’re home early from the office or the gym, you hear them laughing as you make dinner and prep a Tupperware of food for lunch the next day. Their laughter is just a little bit forced, maybe desperate, but you remember school. It’s a Thursday night; many of them probably have projects and papers coming up. You reach for the Tupperware lid, and your heart starts pounding and adrenaline floods your limbs. You snap the lid on, and you remember the deadline: Friday at 11:59PM, no late submissions accepted, and you are certain that your paper is going to get you the failing grade you’ve been dreading since failure became a sin. As you turn to the fridge, your heart rate is normal, and you are relaxed. What paper?

Sometimes while you sleep, you hear tapping keys in your dreams. As you hover on the edge of consciousness, you feel your fingers twitching, typing out things in unknown languages. You date more, and start asking if you can go home with your dates instead of the other way around. You sleep well these nights. Your phone charges. Your laptop, which you start bringing with you, powers on like it’s supposed to.

You even start a relationship, and for a few months, you are rarely at your apartment. You are in the office less. The air of your lover’s small apartment smells like candles or detergent or take-out. The lights do not flicker, and phone chargers do what they are supposed to. By April, you are considering moving in, but the night you suggest it, you end up back at your apartment, single and with a black laptop screen that refuses to change. You’ve been crowding your lover, and it’s odd that you never want to be at your place. After all, it’s larger and closer to work. You were moving too fast.

You sleep fitfully that night, but this time, it is because you keep waking up, hoping for a text message or a phone call that makes it all right. When day breaks, you resign yourself to be awake for good. Your phone is at 75%. While at the apartment, it never falls below that mark anymore. “At least something is going right,” you mutter hopelessly to yourself the next free evening you get, slumped on the couch and watching old Forensic Files episodes. During episode loading, you hear that the music through the wall is slow and sad, and a tightness grows at your chest, insistent and cancerous. Tears run down your cheeks, and a desperate, hopeless, disgusted feeling fills you. The next episode starts, and the music and your body’s strange response gets drowned out in a story of a serial arsonist.

Sunday evenings, you can hear her wailing through the walls. You were concerned at first and considered knocking and checking, but eventually decide against it, wanting to not be the creepy neighbor. Not that you’ve been watching, but she usually comes home alone. You’ve gotten the impression that she actually has a roommate, but the roommate looks exactly like her, only happier. You don’t see the roommate often. You had thought 2E was a single bedroom. If she has a roommate, then she should be taken care of. The wailing is like clockwork, and you always feel an itching in your fingers and the need to finish it, finish it and hopefully it’s not too late to turn it in. The taste of coffee is as familiar and unnoticeable as your own skin. You try to fall asleep these nights, but your eyes don’t close. It’s only after you buy earplugs that you can sleep.

She stays longer than most of the students do. It’s been two years. Your computer still won’t turn on. Your phone is ever at 75% once you cross the threshold of your doorway. Friends, visitors, family all speak of a scent of coffee in the air. “Are you sleeping well?” they ask. They stop visiting, mostly because you stop inviting them. You’ve grown used to the strangeness, but it’s tiring explaining it to other people. You’ve dated semi-seriously, and those have always been wonderful months, but you always seem to move too fast. Sunday nights, starting in the middle of semester, she wails, and you put in your ear plugs.

[teddyrastaman]

what you were supposed to learn between 2016 and 2018

apply with rising sign.

ARIES

2016: You were supposed to differentiate what you want from what you think the world wants from you. This was a year of self-discovery, one that had you challenging and questioning a lot of things that you’d previously been accepting as fact. You did a lot of soul-searching this year, and came out on the other end with some pivotal realizations.

2017: You were supposed to dive off the high board. When you knew what needed to change you went for it – and probably head first. This was the year in which you experienced radical change and saw a world that was beyond what you’d ever conceived of before. All of this new understanding brought a change in perspective, and a welcome one at that.

2018: This is the year you decide what you want to do from here on out. This is the year that you get clear on some of the big, lingering question marks that still exist in your life. You’ll regain your clarity and focus in work and in love, and you’ll get ready to start deepening those roots come 2019.

TAURUS

2016: You were supposed to reinvent something. Whether that was a home remodel, a career shift, or even just a reconsideration of who your innermost friend group is, what really changed this year was your self-image. There were parts of yourself you’ve needed to accept for a long time, and other parts of your potential that had been latent until now. This was the year to do what had not been done before.

2017: You were supposed to learn boundaries. Yes, you’re a social creature (even if you’re inherently introverted, Tauruses thrive in their “tribe”). Despite this, 2017 was a year to learn what it means to say “no,” what it means to speak up when you need to speak up, what it means to not fear being disliked in favor of exhausting yourself to the point of total depletion.

2018: This is the year the tides turn for the shore. After so many months of uncertainty, newness and soul-searching, this is the year that you start to find some reprieve. Venus is center stage all year long, and your personal relationships and business ventures receive sparkling luck because of it.

GEMINI

2016: You were supposed to embrace changes at home. This year ruled everything with your closest family members, and this was a time for you to confront new challenges with vigor and to find within them grace. You’d spent the last few years very much focused on yourself and your work, but something drew your attention to what really matters: giving your time and energy to those closest to you.

2017: You were supposed to see who your real friends are. You’d spent so much of the last few years trying to cater to people who sometimes didn’t seem like they really cared all that much in return, and 2017 brought complete clarity as to who you should really be spending your time with. This was a year to make amends, reinvent your social calendar, and redistribute your time and energy to people and things that brought you joy in return.

2018: You are supposed to embrace that project you’ve been dreaming of forever. With everything starting to settle into a new kind of normalcy on the homefront, this year will be all about stepping past your comfort zone and building something for yourself. There’s a reason you’d been feeling so much stagnancy and discomfort at times – something was telling you that you’re meant to do greater things than you can currently conceive of. This is the year to take the first step.

CANCER

2016: You were supposed to let this year surprise you. This was a time of unexpected advancement for you, and some of the choices you made then would leave lasting impressions on your life for many years to come. You gained clarity and a degree of maturity you didn’t even realize you were missing. This was the year that you started to get clear on what – or who – you really want in your life.

2017: This was the year you were supposed to run, not walk, toward your goals. This was the year that you started living out your ambitions every single day. Gone are the days of pipe dreams just existing in your mind. Whether it was committing to newfound responsibility, routine, or even just making more time for what you claim to value, this was the year you challenged yourself.

2018: You are supposed to let love in. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or happily betrothed, this is the year that love takes center stage for you. Whether it is friendships, your closest romantic relationship or even just self-love, this is the year that you re-prioritize what you thought mattered and make sure that your life is focused on what really matters: the people you love, the things you love, and the work that you love, as much as you’re able to love it.

LEO

2016: You were supposed to let go of the plan. At this point in your life, you had to accept that though things didn’t go as you once thought they would, that doesn’t mean they aren’t going well. Though it comforts you to adhere to your idea of “what’s next,” sometimes, the best thing you can do is see where life takes you. Usually, the things you lose are for your best interest anyway.

2017: You were supposed to find yourself again. The low blows of 2016 took a toll on your self-confidence, which is a rare thing for you to experience. However, it set you up to find a whole new degree of self-confidence and assuredness within yourself. If you could survive the past year, you can survive anything.

2018: You’re supposed to go where you’ve never been before. They say that the true definition of idiocy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This year, that will be put to the test for you. You’re meant to expand your borders, date new people, try new things… you may just find that there’s a whole lot of joy waiting for you in life, if only you’d open up and give it a chance.

VIRGO

2016: You were supposed to cut loose ends. This was the year that you had to come face to face with what wasn’t working in your life – lest it be forcefully removed from you first.

2017: You were supposed to pursue a new dream. This was the year that you embarked on a new, long-awaited adventure, whether it was a new relationship, the next level of your career, or perhaps even travel. This was the year in which you were supposed to take risks, and see firsthand what works and what doesn’t for your life.

2018: You are supposed to make some firm decisions. After the past two years of an intense tug of war between what you think should be working and what you know isn’t, this is the year to ride or die. You will either start to soar and thrive like you never have before, or come to terms with having tried something new, even if it wasn’t supposed to be forever.

LIBRA

2016: You were supposed to learn how to plant seeds. The past few years have been nothing short of radical for you, and it all began with your emerald Jupiter year in 2016 lighting the way for you to start making connections – perhaps with partners, employers or even with your inner self – that would come to fruition over the next few years.

2017: You were supposed to realize how you were holding yourself back. This year was all about letting those seeds start to sprout, and identifying the ways in which you were stomping on your garden before you gave it a chance to grow.

2018: You are supposed to learn how to let your garden feed you. This year is about finishing up what began in 2016, and allowing yourself to thrive in it. It is about making serious relationship commitments, becoming more financially stable than ever, and adjusting to your highest vision of yourself – because deep down, that’s who you’ve been all along.

SCORPIO

2016: You were supposed to learn how to see for yourself. Despite being particularly self-assured and confident – even standoffish at times – you’re almost overwhelmingly swayed by what you think other people think. This was the year to start believing in your power more than your doubt; to start honoring what you feel, not what others believe.

2017: You were supposed to embrace the feelings you’d been shoving away for so long. This year was all about confronting the emotions that you had been trying to avoid. Of course, it is all with purpose: next year is going to be about your renewal, and so to know what you want, you usually must first identify what you don’t.

2018: You’re supposed to start new. With Jupiter touring your sun sign for most of the year, it is your time to build the life of your dreams. The relationships, jobs, challenges and choices you make now will leave you with (positive) repercussions for many, many years to come.

SAGITTARIUS

2016: You were supposed to learn what it means to reconcile. This was the year that you had to look face first at what you think you’ve failed at, the relationships that had deteriorated over the years, and the ways in which you need to improve your wellbeing. This year likely brought you to many distant lands and into the arms of people you’d never expected. This was a year of mind, body and spirit exploration. You were supposed to come out on the other end with a greater sense of clarity.

2017: You were supposed to learn how to reconnect. Whether it was a sick parent who you needed to stay at the bedside of, or a cousin who you’d regrettably lost contact with over the years, or even a friend who you’d always think about but never make plans with, this was a year that you opened your heart back up, and let the right people in… however slowly you had to do it.

2018: You are supposed to make significant change in your life this year. Whether this means finally moving, changing careers like you’ve known you had to for so long, or just re-adjusting your daily routine to be more sustainable, this is the year in which any unstable bridges will collapse. This is for the best – you’d been hanging on by a thread for far too long. Besides, greener pastures await.

CAPRICORN

2016: You were supposed to learn how to have vision. Despite being strong-minded, Caps are known for being malleable, if not gullible. They easily adopt other people’s ideals as their own, and this was the year to break out of that. It was time for you to learn how to think and feel autonomously, and the chances that succeeded those revelations seemed nothing short of miraculous.

2017: You were supposed to get clarity on what’s not working. This was the year that didn’t hold back: you saw what doors were closed, you saw people’s true colors and intentions, you saw which business ventures were becoming fruitful and which weren’t. You couldn’t fool yourself if you tried to this year, the only question was how long it would take for you to finally choose to pivot.

2018: You are supposed to start a journey into the unknown. This is a year in which you will do things you’ve never done before, perhaps live in or visit places you’ve never been, try work you’ve never done. This is the year that you will surprise yourself with your capability, and you will see all your past regrets dissolve now that you are truly living for your own best interest, not your preoccupation with someone else.

AQUARIUS

2016: You were supposed to learn patience. Some years are revolutionary, some are stationary, some just… are. This year was the latter for you, as things seemed to move slowly, if at all. Little did you know then, the gears were turning, it was all just happening beneath the hood (so to say).

2017: You were supposed to learn how to trust. This is a year that bridged the status of your life between 2016 and 2018, and it was built entirely on trusting people. Letting others into your sacred vision for business, love or life is not easy, but it is crucial. This year, you started to open up to potential you hadn’t recognized before, whether that was dating someone outside of your norm, or letting other people take on more responsibility at your job. Either way, it worked out for the best.

2018: You are supposed to learn how to coexist, and co-work, better than ever before. You’ve learned over the past few years that teamwork makes the dream work (ha, but seriously, it does). Therefore, it’s in your best interest to be the best partner and in some cases, boss, that you can be. This means honing in on your empathy, your compassion, and at times, your selflessness, all while holding true to a greater vision. It’s a challenge, but the rewards will be invaluable.

PISCES

2016: You were supposed to look into your past, and feel into your depths. This was a year in which some of your darkest traumas peeked their way out of the closet and said hi again. Of course, this was not so you’d needlessly suffer, but so that you’d see them for what they are – harmless ghosts in the closet – and resolve that you can move on.

2017: You were supposed to find passion again. Over the past few years, if you’ve been less than thrilled with life it’s because you’ve felt your passions were suppressed by the weight of responsibility and loss. This is the year you rediscovered what you really love, or noticed that maybe you made a wrong choice with a move, a job, or a personal life decision. Either way, it’s not too late to turn around, or in some cases, keep running toward the horizon.

2018: You are supposed to change your life – for good. With all of the evidence you’ve gathered over the past few years, now is the time to take action. You know where you want to go, the challenge is only whether or not you will be fearless enough to let yourself do it.