#and again this isnt me saying that you cant or shouldnt be upset

[snailsnfriends]

I'm thinking over the ctommy finale some more and meta that's been written by myself and others in the past and the two don't necessarily add up. in the past, we've allowed tommy to make bad decisions or judgements. exile, bedrock bros and tommy's treatment of wilbur post revival are all good examples of this. tommy couldn't be held as liable for his poor actions or thought processes because he was struggling, either in the moment or as a whole. I don't think the events of the finale should be seen differently. tommy was placed in a situation where he knew that he was going to die, surrounded by people who have betrayed him or killed him in the past. he accepted his death, but it was the final option. and realistically, if he was in the right headspace to accept death, something he feared, he clearly wasn't in the right headspace at all. he knew that his friend was going to have to be the one to kill him. the one adult who was in his life with any sort of consistency was gone. it's very clear that tommy was under a lot of stress before their plan was even enacted; he was not all of a sudden better once he talked over his plan with tubbo. he was just more confident.

this isn't to say that you can't criticize the finale or be super upset with it. I agree that it wasn't all that great and was pretty cheap. I think it should've gone differently. I think tommy and tubbo deserved a happy ending. but I don't think tommy's decision to apologize to dream, or, really, his decision to apologize for all of their deaths, should be super heavily scrutinized from a character perspective. like any other time he's been under stress, he made poor decisions and judgements that would not have been made if he was under more merciful circumstances. the strain he was put under should be taken into account more when it comes to his actions during the finale.

[madebyteenagefury]

unfiltered first reactions to gpi as if i were livetweeting because i think it would be funny (spoilers below!!):

are these 12 year olds or do they just talk like that.

can i touch it, dawg WHAT

dont even know their names but i already love em and only want happiness for them (may be because they strike me as children) (update they were children)

why did bro bite his hand

WHERES THE OTHER BED GOING. NO. HOSPITAL?? NO!! NOT AGAIN :SOB:

i need subtitles oh my god,,,ADULTS NOW!! i see. doug. theyre in suits and he has a bandage yall boutta kiss rn?? OHHH FUCK ohhh oh man. boutta be so fucking sick over doug aw shit

"his name is assface!" oh babe.

"you know." oh BABE. oh fuck.

think about what all the time???????????????? THINK ABOUT WHAT??????????

this is so 'are they lovers' 'worse' and nothings even happened but so much has happened.

ooooh five years

corey. THEY KISSED(before)!!! FUCK!!! MISSING TOOTH!!!

this hurts ohmy god. screaming. theyre gone.

two beds again?? are we flitting between times. 13 ahh yes we are oh i love this so much. what if i hit corey with the autism beam. what then. doug is so me im gonna lose my mind. like when theyre kids. auughh

DO YOU WANNA PRACTICE KISSING?/ SAWG???god thats the gayest shit ever. everyone who says that never means it casually change my goddamn mind YOU CANT/lh doug fucking w first kiss logic is hilarious yes king.

oh my god hes throwing up. DOUG NOO AHAHAH. fellas is it gay to throw up in the same can after kissing.

augh one bed again OUGH HOSPRIALo ohh no. 28. dont do this to me. not after falsettos.

hey again! hes not responding. kms. NOO IS HE IN A COMA OH FUCK

"im trying not to swear so much" giggled

"her"?? dawg no way THEY HAVENT SEEN EACHOTHER SINCE HIS EYE??? oh fuck me man. babe stop saying rtrded please. hes moisturizing his fucking hand oh. MY GOD.

you cant marry her cuz what about me?? SAY YOU LOVE HIM ALREADY FUCK

OOO TWO BEDS. THEYRE CLOSER!!!! ONE BLANKET!! OOOOO!!

18 fuckin called it. 10 yrs ago. thin mints slap hes so real for that. the knocking on his cup shouldnt have tbeen that funny. giggled. okay theyre so besties but like this is so gay. bestie behavior but. they love eachother. (doug is mad about not knowing that corey's been having sex, which like id be upset if my bestie didnt tell me too i get it but correct me if im wrong, this feels insanely jealous

"cuz youre too youung!" YOURE FUCKING EIGHTEEN???

im so sick over doug HES SO ME FUCK ok fuck.

im so. insane. fuck. "whys everyone gotta be so mean?"

"youre not a faggot. youre not" ohhh ow. oh oh my god

okau so when he says :you have blood on your jeans. when did you start [that]: i cant make out what he says or what theyre talking about im assuming its sh??? if so?? fucking ow kill me??????

timing of me watching this. fucking wild. did not want to cry tn (im not but were dangerously close to it)

I CAN NOT FUCKING DO THIS OH GOD

milo when i get you. milo when i fucking. get you./lh

"youre the best thing thats ever happened to me" after THAT?? FUCK ME MAN WHAT THE HELL

he better be fucking awake or i swear to god.

33 OH FUCK MANHES HAWAKE HES AWAKE OH FUCK OH THANK GOD. FIVE YEARS AGO/?? COREY VISTED HIM FIVE YEARS AGO. is he in a mental hospital?? oh boy. these boys are fucked up.

theyre fucking soulmates. i will NOT be taking criticism. WHY ARE YOU LYING YOU BEGGED HIM TO WAKE UP ASSHOLE. doug makes me want to hold my own heart in my hands and feel it beat. dawg why u lying.why is corey mean to him :(

ohh parallels. oh they. hurt. differenty. but the same. ohhhh my god

"because i might not make it back"

if one of them fucking dies. i stg. 23 10 yrs back. wait this is the first bit again/? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TOOTH. DUDE. OH FUCK.

criyng at dougs speech after the kiss.

oh fuck OFF. only the poster wtf

i need the playlist they got. 38,,,

i went "hes fucking dead isnt he" and he rolls in. "im gonnakms"

"dont touch me corey" sobbing.

pleading with my screen for it not to end like that and its over.

milo. oh my fucking god

[vai3r13]

Hello hello! :) I’m here for our matchup trade for Black Butler! (I sent the pictures for the Paparazzi end :) )

Starting off I am a neurodivergent, queer (but attracted to masculinity) female. I go by she/they and im an INFP Sagittarius.

Physically, I am a 5’2” but wear platform converse or boots every day of my life. Style wise, im definitely alternative. However, Im also a fan of the baggy jeans, tight top, kinda side of grunge. Im also a sucker for black with pastels, so I suppose my color pallete would fall under “Pastel Goth” or something similar. I actually really love the style called “Morute” which stands for “Morbidly Cute”. I just absolutely adore the creepy-cute combination, and i aspire to look like a creepy doll somedays.

That also would lead into hobbies, as I love dolls! I collect them and will gush over them any time i see one in public i like. Especially going to cons and seeing the little stands with BJD dolls? I go feral-...and broke. My entire room is decorated in pretty dolls, anime figures, manga, and cherry blossom vines. (I really want a cherry blossom tattoo on my back but im terrified of needles-) My other hobbies include writing, skateboarding, singing/making music, and dancing! I have a band with friends right now. I’m training my voice to be a metal singer despite having a feminine voice, so im a bit shy with it right now.

Personality wise, I suppose it tends to fluctuate, but i think what sticks the most is that I'm extremely sweet and loyal. I used to be very shy, and can even be pretty quiet nowadays too. Im definitely introverted but, ive gotten much better with it. Friends would definitely say that im bubbly, always trying to laugh. Definitely witty too because I absolutely love bantering and softly bullying people. Id say im very emotionally intelligent when it comes to other people. Im definitely a realist, and im told im very good with advice and empathizing with people. I feel i understand other emotions more than mine sometimes. Which annoys me- Because I have a habit of not expressing anything negative. I think it might be due to past trauma, but I have a hard time staying angry or upset with people. Its like- once you screw me over, i have no issues getting rid of you. I dont like that i can easily disconnect from people, as I feel it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just feel l like if i know my worth, and someone isnt treating me as they should, I shouldnt keep them in my life. That does go to say though, that I am an all or nothing person with people I care about. If i am your friend, I trust you can come to me with anything and I vice versa no matter what. I always come through and i expect the same. 

Another bad habit though would be disappearing. I wouldnt call it ghosting because I always pop back up, but I usually dont respond or see people for weeks or even months, even close friends. Most that are close know that if they need to talk to me, they have to double text or call me. Ill always answer then. I dont mean to, I just for some reason am really consistent with randomly dropping off the face of the earth for everyone but my partner, or person closest. Texts are always paragraphs though! Im not a dry texter, just forget I exist and have to respond :) Not to mention, i have ran away out of state before just for the sake of going and exploring. (Did a lot of Urbex and trespassing- it was fun but i dont think ill ever go to abandon buildings like that again. That doesnt mean ill stop climbing trains though!) I just love road trips and little late night adventures. 

Some notes about me… Id say my fears involve needles, the dark (I sleep with a nightlight but love horror-), Clowns, and deep water. I cannot swim and have nearly drowned before so I actually hate going swimming. I dont see the appeal and start to panic if i cant see or touch the bottom. I wouldnt say im scared of spiders though like most. I actually am the person my job calls for to grab spiders and take them outside. If theyre cute, ill just grab them with my hand. Another thing is that I have OCD and PTSD. My OCD isnt the typical stereotype of being clean, Im just very routine with patterns. The person im with has to be okay with frequent alarms I set for different time frames, my strange eating habits (I cant have anything touching, one food at a time, soft foods over crunchy, and i absolutely love bananas but cant eat them unless someone peels them for me while im not looking) I also get very paranoid about certain things, like for example, i get little episodes sometimes where I freak out because I believe Ill inherent my dads schizophrenia and Ill because dissociated with reality, so whoever im with needs to be able to help assure me i wont just lose my mind- That being said, my least favorite love language is touch! I can be touched, but its very easy to overwhelm my due to past trauma. I also flinch very easily without even thinking and it gets annoying when people make fun of it. Because of this as well, im a very silent walker and tend to scare people because i subconsciously make myself as unnoticeable as possible. Im also an insomniac. I will not go to bed until the sun is up, and even then I wake up very easily. My doctor keeps trying to give me medications for it so i can sleep better, but its so ironic because I stop taking them constantly because I hate feeling tired. SO someone who doesnt mind being up a bit late would be appreciated :) 

Random facts are: I absolutely adore raccoons and rats, and used to be a rat mom! I’ll spit out little rodent facts like im google. I know morse code. Im an amazing driver. I will get you there fast and safe….fast as in i max out my car frequently and if i get one more traffic misconduct i lose my license. BUT i know how to be safe with taking those risks, if that makes sense? Like i know where and when to speed and when not to- Most people fear getting in the car with me. But other than that, i think that’s it for now! Thank you <3

Hello!<3 @xxchthonicreaturexx

I apologize for any mistakes! English is not my native language and I'm new to writing:) Written in "you" perspective

possible tw - talk of mental health, mentions of unhealthy relationship ig? idk how healthy grim reapers r, mentions of drowning and suicide

barely proofread

To start, you're gorg and going off of everything I think your Black Butler match would be..

Undertaker !!

Both visually and personality wise I think you would compliment each-other! In my opinion your energies have something similar.

visual

I think Undertaker would like your piercings, he has an industrial himself.

small head cannons

You both have black nail polish, so painting each others nails as a cute activity:)

Doing each others eyeliner/make up.

classic

Undertakers mbti type most likely is ISTJ while yours is INFP. While your compatibility can seem difficult at first, by appreciating each others differences you "balance" each other out.

Sagittarius and Aquarius are an energetic match, being air and fire signs your elements fit seamlessly. In astrology, air feeds fire.

"i can easily disconnect from people"

Is a trait both of your star signs posses, a similarity that needs to be balanced between the two of you.

In terms of style I can see you in lots of similar/ partner outfits, as your style is somewhat similar too. Undertaker would, just like you, adore pastel goth and a creepy cute, dolly like aesthetic, - not on him but most definitely on his partner.

I think Undertaker would definitely share your love for dolls, acquiring many dolls and gifting them to you.

As we can see in the Luxury Liner arc, I'd say he has his own love for "dolls", if you know what I'm saying.

As for your other hobbies I think Undertaker wouldn't exactly share your interest in them, but he'd definitely support you. Ex. Watching your band perform, making tea to soothe your voice after you've practiced. He'd definitely be one to annoy and tease you in a joking manner, while you're writing or doing other things.

You being more calm/quiet and Undertakers more energetic and chaotic certainly harmonize. You'd participate in a lot of witty banter and Undertakers life mission would be to make you laugh all the time. He'd adore your sweetness and bubbly-ness (is that even a word??) and your loyalty would be VERY important to him. While he acts and is mostly carefree, I think deep down he still wary of deep connections with people, as he doesn't really have friends.

When he achieves said connection tho he might not always act like it but he'd be sort of possessive. Wouldn't let you get very close to Sebastian or Ciel out of a fear, that they would use you against him in some way. It takes a while for him to tell you what he is, it takes him a while to trust someone 100% wouldn't talk about how it happened tho.

I think arguments wouldn't happen very often, when they do tho they would happen out of Undertakers disregard for "human customs", ex. relationships with other people, etc. Undertaker doesn't resort to screaming, he wouldn't even comprehend that you're mad or annoyed with him. After a few days of not talking much he'd try and talk, bring you something, dolls, sweets, whatever. Makes you sit down and explain what's bothering you, wouldn't always get it but he'd try. Makes up by gifting you dolls or figurines.

Would get worried the first few times you disappear, always manages to find you tho. Absolutely goes exploring with you, might not say it but part of the reason why, is because he's worried about you.

Teases you about your fear of the dark, always lights a candle for you at night tho. Undertaker has died through drowning, as shown in a manga panel, so he shares your fear of water. It serves as a constant reminder for him, so you both don't see the appeal.

Might sound weird but he's fascinated with your OCD habits, he asks you about them. Once you explained them, he always makes sure that your food is arranged the way you like it and peels your bananas for you. Doesn't mind the alarms you set, can be your personal alarm clock actually.

Undertaker has dealt with a lot throughout his long life, he has his own problems. He will always assure you that you're going to be okay. Another thing, that might seem insensitive but sometimes he'd joke that you'll be "crazy" together.

Undertaker's very touchy by nature, I would say. After noticing you flinch, he'd be unsure if his presence and being a grim reaper still intimidates you in some way, if he decides talking to you about it, Undertaker will resort to gift giving and quality time.

Being a quiet walker doesn't matter with Undertaker, as he senses your presence, he isn't human after all, or easy to startle.

Grim Reapers require both sleep and sustenance, but have you seen Undertaker? That man runs on two hours of sleep maximum, he also definitely wouldn't mind staying up late. Dancing late at night, while nobody is watching, is definitely a reoccurring activity in a relationship with the Undertaker. He can be a bit overbearing at times.

Depending what century you're imagining this in, Undertaker loves when you drive, it's sort of an adrenaline rush for him.

head canons

-

Doing each others makeup, sitting on a coffin or your bed. "You have to be still, for me not to smudge the eyeliner!!", while he tries to tickle or smooch you.

_

Painting each others nails and making a cute date night out of it, lots of candles around you for the atmosphere. Playful banter, which ends in you two cuddling in a coffin.

-

Going out to explore the woods, him following closely behind you, suddenly disappearing just to appear in front of you, scaring you in the process, making Undertaker burst out laughing. Holding out a hand to help you climb onto things.

-

Exploring the city at night, when the people are sleeping and the bustling and usually loud streets of London are completely empty. Even jumping roof to roof. (This reminded me of that one Howl's moving castle scene. 01:47-02:10 in the linked video)

-

Late at night, while both of you aren't sleeping, Undertakers shop is dark, except for the dozens of candles littered across the room, as a music box starts playing a soft melody. Undertaker coming up behind you and offering you a hand, as you start dancing across his shop, moving through the space together, occasionally stepping on each others feet and giggling.

Again, it's my first time writing and English isn't my first language. I hope you could still enjoy this<3

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[fobredactedove]

i saw a post about mx. sinister dallon cutting u and. sorry my mind has gone wild. want him to steal me away after watching me for months, he knows my routine off my heart now, knows what routes i take for work and school and what time im usually home, when i eat and go to bed. he waits in the dark alleyway on my way home and grabs me, pulls me into the darkness with a hand over my mouth and a knife to my throat and tells me to shh, shhh. thats a good girl. drugs me with chloroform and i wake up in his basement, tied in rope with tape over my mouth. he tries to come near me and i flinch, i start crying and shaking and hes upset that hes frightened me but also offended, cant i tell what lengths hes gone to to finally make me his?? he explains everything to me, how hes been watching me but it only scares me more. im terrified and disgusted by him and i refuse to cooperate with him, i dont eat the food he brings me or sleep on the mattress thats in the corner of the basement and eventually he has to take matters into his own hands. im getting frail and weak and im not really concsious from the lack of food and water so when he finds me passed out hes scared and worried and tubes me so i get all better again, isnt he so sweet? <3 but eventually, i get on his nerves. i dont talk to him at all, i refuse to even look at him and i stay in the corner of the basement at all times and he gets annoyed, he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me but ive given him no choice, so he cuts me and hits me and carves his initials into my thigh one day when i snap at him and says look, now you really are mine, see? with a sickening smile as he grabs my face and forces me to look at the wound through my tears. maybe i attack him one day, i find a knife or a piece of something sharp and lunge at him but shouldnt i know hes quicker than me by now? as a punishment he holds me down to prove a point and slices little cuts into my skin, over my stomach and along my collarbones and then he runs the bloody knife over my face (careful not to cut me there, he wouldnt want to ruin my pretty little face, after all <3) and then licks it off and forces me to kiss him so i can taste it. after he fucks me for the first time he holds me afterwards, takes my face in his hands and coos at me, wiping my tears away and rubs over the bruises and handprints and marks he left on me while i struggled against him. im sorry this got long but. h. mx sinister dallon <3

<3

[terraliensvent]

anon, my brother in christ, you do not give two shits about the mental health of anyone in terras. stop pretending you do and just say you’re upset that they’re still engaging with the species even though they said they wouldn’t. thats actually valid. but acting like you know what’s best for someone elses mental health which you don’t even care about in the first place isnt. try again with some actual self awareness next time thx! ^w^

post related

im gonna repeat what i said in the last ask about how we shouldnt make assumptions about anons, however im gonna be a bit more lenient with this one since i kind of agree.

i think that, while you can privately have your own thoughts about what kinahs participation means for them, this anon is right in saying that we really cant say whats best for them. we dont know them irl, and again its really just not our place. and even if it’s detrimental to them to keep doing terra stuff, im inclined to just say, “so what?” if they hurt their own mental health by continuing to do stuff for terras and now isopups, its kinda on them. kinahs mental health doesnt really have any bearing on us internet strangers, and i think we should stop acting like it does. it might suck yeah, but at the end of the day it isnt really our business

(also not that its really important to the content of the ask, but future anons please try not to take a condescending tone like this in my inbox, you can make your argument without talking down to others and it just pisses me off tbh)

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 and we are at 4x06. He came back and sat down and went ‘okay so i am now fully relaxed and chill. I talked to myself in the mirror. And we both agreed that going forward, i will be now more calm.’ ‘What is this? Ohhhh Kinnetik launch party! awww he gave the check back. I knew it was killing him to accept the help…quick question, why didn’t he remove the showers? JUSTIN! Are we back to normal? Oh shit, Deb and Em are roommates!! BLONDIE IS BACK! MY BLONDIE IS BACK! Aww Brian, is gonna make a speec- why the fuck is Lindsay following him up there? Girl get the fuck out, you have nothing to do with any of this. AWW FEMALE BLONDIE IS UP THERE. See! SHE makes sense. Linds doesnt. AND JUSTIN! Now he makes sense because HE NAMED IT! Shoo lindsay, this isnt your moment. LOOK AT THEM KISSING! I LOVE THIS! This was nice! Finally my blondie is back!’ ‘Now why the fuck is Debbie ignoring Vic? Right, she’s angry but still. RAGE? A MOVIE?! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! She needs to stop being a bitch to Vic. I get shes angry but still’ ‘awwww he immediately went to Brian to tell him the news! Of course he did. MY BLONDIE IS BACK! That’s right Brian, go back to school Justin! Look at him making time to celebrate Justin. AWWWW’ ‘TED! AND EM! oh shit, this is gonna be tough, isn’t it? Yeah, i was right, this is tough. Fuck. I feel ripped in half. Im happy for Ted, i understand Em, but i want them to be friends again. Fuck’ ‘oh ben is miserable. And jealous and a bitch. Bro, he is your partner, you’re supposed to be supportive no matter what. Fuck you man’ ‘okay, i get Ted but dude! Come on. Hasn’t Blakey been through enough? Let that man live, he can’t catch a fucking break’ ‘FINALLY VIC AND DEBBIE MADE UP! We have a lot of catching up to do so let’s get to it babies! *waves to deb and vic* this is us when we grow up. Why is she bringing up what all she did for him because of aids? That’s wrong. I take it back, this isn’t us when we grow up. OH FUCK YOU DEBBIE! TOTALLY NOT US! NOT US! NEVER US!’ *he forced me to pinky promise that that wont be us* ‘did they change babylon? I dont remember this bench thing, because i know for a fact that they wouldve fucked on it by season 2. Ohhh Justin being sassy to Brian. Ohhh ibiza *says it like justin and then brian corrects justin* okay, my bad. He could have anything he wanted and he is betting school? HE REALLY CARES ABOUT HIS EDUCATION AND FUTURE. Fellas, how about this, you both fuck him. That way, you go to ibiza AND back to school? Win win’ ‘no Ben, the only piece of shit here is you. What a jealous prick. Who does that? Mike literally told him that he shouldnt judge his book cause he’s not smart enough since he didnt go to community college, which was fucked up b-t-w just to make up for hurting his feelings and this fucker cant even pretend to be happy for a moment? Fuck you. YEAH, GO OFF MIKE’ ‘aw Blake and Emmett. I need them to be friends. Oh god, i just had a realization. I sound like that chick in mean girls who wanted to bake cupcakes and make everyone friends. Blake, deserves the world!’ And now we are at the Britin/gym scene ‘it took 4 seasons for Justin to go with him to the gym? Bullshit, this man was stalking Brian like crazy in season 1. He would’ve had gym membership AND his personal trainer by episode 3. Ohhh its that guy! Damn, Brian really wants him to go back to school. What is he doing? Justin, what did you do? CRABS? What a little shit. I missed this. I missed them’ ‘Lindsay, what the fuck are we doing here again? Bagel? Hair and outfit, looking like that? Babe, what is going on? This is weird AND creepy. DUDE HANDS OFF HER ASS! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. YOU SHOULD’VE PUNCHED HIM HARDER AND LET HIM FALL! PIG’

Brother shouting about Lindsay being up on the stage at the launch party is so correct. WHY IS SHE THERE?

Your brother getting all worried and upset about Vic and Debbie's fight. I'm going to cry.

BRIAN DOES CARE ABOUT JUSTIN'S EDUCATION! I am so soft about that.

it took 4 seasons for Justin to go with him to the gym? Bullshit, this man was stalking Brian like crazy in season 1. He would’ve had gym membership AND his personal trainer by episode 3 OKAY I snorted at that. So accurate.

UGH the start of Lindsay and that guy. UGH

[sanchoyo]

arc v 15-22 thoughts!!

-i forgot to say it last post, but i really really love the first op! and the ost in general is rly rly good. going to be very sad when they change the op eventually (prob around the ep 25-35 mark im guessing?) -its so funny yuya doesnt wear his school uniform at all except kinda slinging the jacket over his shoulders. all the other male students have pants that match their jacket! but fuck it hes the protag, he can wear his cargos I guess! -tbh glad shingo pointed out its unfair only yuya has pendulum cards, lol. true. (the fact yuya is upset reiji had them was bullshit! u have protag privilege! u dont even know where the cards came from! be more concerned about that!)

-shingo in general is kinda a Silly Guy and I like him more each time we see him. kinda just wanna see him and yuzu interact more too…when she yelled at him. and he still came up to tell yuya to stop eating gross infront of a 'lady'…hes a feminist king! -LMAO STRONG ISHIMA QUIT TO GO TRAIN OVERSEAS AFTER LOSING TO A 14 YR OLD. feel so bad for that guy ngl hope he comes back at some point -ok how did i not notice the xyz course student at lds has a big dipper head piece/star theme….thats SUCH a funny detail in reference to zexal? pls. not going to remember this charas name bc masumi is clearly the leader of their lil pack but I love it -very cool yuzu gets her own rival (assuming masumi will be?) and training arc moment, but also, she should already KNOW fusion! her dad! is a duel teacher! -sora being lke 'is this allowed? is this allowed?' when helping yuzu..LMAO whos boots are u licking. be an ally to yuzu and HELP her if she wants it -yuzu having a magical accessory like all the main ygo charas!! tbh shes the main character. To Me -yuyas mom having a million pets is SO CUTE. finally a protag with pets. and who is a clown. relatable. tho i dont like him rushing his mom to make pancakes or being fussy abt breakfast!! ur 14 dude just make ur own pancakes if u want some!!! good god

-the lil gang of kids that follow yuya around i am trying sooo hard not to be annoyed by them but by god are they annoying me anyway -MICHIOOOOO IS SO CUTE. FRECKLES. ALSO HE KNOWS HOW TO COOK!!! i love seeing hobbies outside of dueling in ygo lol. also his fans being housewives is like, kind of uncomfortable? his cards are cute tho, love the food theme. truly character of all time (I can already tell we'll probably never see him again RIP i hate ygo for making me attached to minor charas) -god this is so fucked up. duelists on motorcycles and xyz duelists shouldnt be fighitng they should be kissing -sora eating breakfast lunch and dinner at yuyas is so funny. freeloader king. but why did he put chocolate on sardines. what the fuck! -aaaaah yuzu not wanting to learn fusion from her dad is bc she feels like a burden to his school and feels protective over it? god her plight to get stronger and her mystery bracelet stuff IS SO much more interesting than w/e yuya's 'i have to duel 5 ppl to get in a tournament to become a pro' stuff is! shes fr the protag in my heart! -oh My God theyre putting people In The Cards. yugi grampa moment! reiji is SO chill about it like 'oh huh. ppl got sealed into cards. well, cant fix it just yet. huh. anyway. lets start working on that I Guess.' LIKE DUDE. sweet that he seems to actually care but hes SO calm -reiji's moms snake shoes fuck severely -reiji defending yuyas honor to the congressman dude is so sweet. he doesnt really KNOW yuya isnt behind any of the attacks (but like, we Know he Isnt) -…yuya admitted hes bad at science and math! a ygo protag whos bad at math!!! the duel disks must do damage calculation automatically lol, thank god for that -'yuya doesnt even know merci!!!!' boy hes not about to know mercy in this duel shut up. why would he need to know random french phrases theyre in japan arent they -ok. the whole thing nico told yuya 'its your JOB to make ppl happy as a pro, you HAVE to go beyond expectations'…feels very apt to compare this to a parasocial celeb type relationship situation. ppl always expect him to be Happy and Entertain them (and to an extent hes always playing into it…) it rly feels like a bad extension of the 'laugh when u want to cry!' emotional suppression and masking and it feels BAD man. feels like its going nowhere good! -yuzu and soras friendship is growing on me SO Much im gonna be SO mad when hes outed as a snake -masumi and yuzu moment!!!! gay asf to have a rival!!!! but god yuzu rly is being the protag for ME. she has a bff (sora) and a rival!!! dude!!! yuya ya girl is stealing the show for me!!!

- im sick of these MEN KNOCKING HER OUT OF THE WAY (LITRALLY THIS TIME) AAAH!!!! BITCH GO AWAY I WANTED TO SEE THE GIRLS DUEL!!! (syun?? ute??? these have to be mispellings of their names right. i googled them and its shun and yuto. which. yu name. 3rd protag after yuzu and yuya. better to call them this than 'emo yuya' lol) -anyway shun got punched in the stomach by yuto and CRUMBLED like a wet paper bag and yuto tossed him over his shoulder LMAO. and sora challenges him of course. HEAVEN FORBID we let yuzu duel here. christ she almost got to duel!!! we were so close!!! her bracelet seems to be just teleporting xyz boy all over the place -mieru and cathy would be besties omg her vibes! spooky lil tarot girl! (also, to enter the same tournament as yuya I assume shes at least 12-13 despite looking like. 9-10…right…since the younger kids made the comment they couldnt enter bc of their age…so her crush on yuya isnt actually So Weird right…sighs at anime always making girls look weirdly young) -BUT MIERU FOR REAL USING YGO CARDS FOR TAROT READINGS IS OBJECTIVELY HILARIOUS JKDKJAHKJN OK GIRL!!! i want her to read my fortune or whatever like tell me what house my suns are in -'your future is wrapped in darkness' no shit hes a ygo protag! ofc he will go thru some shit! itll be fiiiine in the end tho girl im not worried. (she continues to hammer in the fact hes doomed and draws the tower for him LMAO)

[sandersgrey]

finally finished reading Whichwood after months of hiatus, and my opinion on it is the same as when i stopped reading it

the concepts are so interesting and vivid (i was particularly drawn to Laylee's job as a mordeshoor, and i will thank the author for not sparing us the details of dealing with the dead; i found those parts interesting) and it really feels like it couldve been so good...

except for all the fucking. overexplaining.

the narrator keeps stopping the story to tell to us why the characters are acting that way, often repeatedly, just hammering in the point every time and taking away any bit of enjoyment it couldve had otherwise

like you dont need to tell me everything about every characters line of thought. in fact you shouldnt.

it bloats the narration. the pacing is off because nothing feels really urgent when every half a page we stop to be told, again, that characters are upset because of this specific reason, again, which she has told us a dozen times before.

i feel nothing for any of the characters. you cant just tell me theyre brave and kind and love each other, you have to actually... show it? why do they feel like the closest friends when theyve known each other for two hours and nothing particularly interesting has happened?

the romance came out of nowhere too and went nowhere also, except for her, again, telling us it'll go somewhere in four years. okay. why do i care.

the best dynamics ended up being between Laylee and the dead at the end because at least it was only overly explained a bit, and not every single time they were mentioned.

still, the rest of the narration has managed to make the dead coming back to punish the living feel boring and anticlimatic. how.

it takes some real effort to make spirits flaying the living feel tedious.

i get that its a childs book, but like. children dont need every fucking thing spelled out multiple times. it feels like patronization.

its so strange, bc the narration even says Laylee isnt any less important or worthy for being 13, and yet every line of this book treats its young readers like they're fucking stupid. i dont know how to tell you that kids can make sense of a story without it being explained to them at every twist and turn.

overall: cool concept, fumbled the execution so badly im probably never getting myself to reread it. rip.

[moomoocowman]

If reading this, read at your own risk.

I cant sleep and decided to dump to hopefully

Let me sleep. We can have a conversation soon

If like but this is cathartic to me for me. To let out.

Sleep on the floor music video fucked me up good. Not to mention the time of when i watched it how much of a shitty weekend i had and now it feels like again we are doing the step back and i dont like it so

If you want me show it. If not tell me. Figuring it out without doing anything isnt working. It never has. This cycle used to be months to month to months to now week to week. Waiting and waiting hoping that we can talk can get somewhere but never the case. Youre losing me. And i dont want that to happen but at the same time what am i to do. What else could i possibly be and strive for. Youre right i have done everything i needed. I say its both of us but im at this finish line trying to cheer you on to help but i feel ignored.

I get like this because my patience is all but gone and i dont know what i want. Kinda like how you said by you know who you want. I get things have to be hard but it shouldnt be this hard at this point yet it is. I get insanely jealous because someone else has/is living in the shoes that i want to be in. I get insanely moody because as much as i think i overreact which i know i do still, everything that has happened to me before has happened in this at one point but ive learned to handle it. Not that i say its whatever but its why i get upset because i dont want that. This strived off being different and wholesome and unconditional.

My trust is thinning because everything after everything repeats and nothing changes. Im told the same things and feel like half. I guess thats another reason for my silence sometimes because i dont expect to be lovey dovey all the time but last week saying youd want to be alone with me rather than be alone… then proceed to want to be alone monday night which respect to your wishes but ive hardly talked to you and hear your voice let alone see you these past 2 months and that kinda really hurt.

You dont owe me anything just as i dont owe you. You are your own person i have always told you this and ive been respectful of you but again i dont think ive been respectful to me and my wishes and what i want what i need. Your own life just as i have my own life. Choose whatever you want to do but talk to me. Busy let me know. Need a break i get it but let me know.

Time is always and is not of the essensce. Time may be moving at a faster than ever especially right now but dictating where that time goes managing what where who for you. This is why i ask is this what you want because time goes everywhere but here or what we want and if it does its very little and we are stumped.

Idk man. Im in love and this is why its scary because i love hard but risking it is almost worth and thats why i worry about certainty. Would running away be the most ideal thing to just leave everything everyone start anew yes. How fucking glorious that sounds rn. But what does running do when everything catches back up. Instead of facing the hardship and impact head on how is anything expected to grow.

Living this cycle this feeling having to meet every dead line or to please everyone (ironic and hypocritcal of me). You say you have so much confidence when i speak but the things i say and do is to help you feel for your own. To help propel what it is or isnt that you want.

Selfishly in every way possible do not let this fade away. Do not become a past. Work with me on a plan and ill show you what it is this can be what we can have how we can either look back at this together and smile or we can look back at this as individuals and wonder. I have my boundaries you have yours lets compromise. Stay true to ourselves as much as possible. Just tell me something. Dont lie to me or leave me to linger.

[camilacantthink]

Im tired of living.

I have to go to work. I sit at home alone. I never see anyone. Its hard to see myself with a future. It all seems so empty and lonely.

I wish I'd get hit by a car. Or really sick. Something that will ether kill me or almost kill me. I dont actually think I'd get any real concerns. Any real visits or calls. And if i got better I doubt it would stick.

Some days i wonder if i should commit myself. I cant. I dont have health care. I cant afford that. But i'm starting to think about hanging myself again. Starting to think about shooting myself in the head. The visuals of the fall out of both those deaths. What it would make my body look like.

I know its not good. But i cant get it to stop. I miss going out. I miss having days where i'd hang out with friends in person. Where we could talk for hours in person and they wouldnt get sick of me.

I can feel myself shutting down again. I used to have my cat. She needed me. I knew she would be so upset if i was gone and i loved her more than anything. But now shes dead. There isnt much stopping me from wanting me to die anymore.

My mom says I just want to be miserable. That im selfish and self absorbed and cant see how lucky i am. Im so sick of hearing that. Im so sick of having to be greatful im not homeless. Im so sick of having to think others have it worse. I just want this to be over.

I shouldnt be posting this. I doubt anyone will care to read this. But i should have just written this in my journal like a normal person. Im tagging this as personal. People will be told not to read it. Theres a very high likelyhood people will respect my boundries and not read it.

But they might not. Maybe i want them not too. Maybe this is my cry for help. Considering me telling my mom all i can think about sometimes is killing myself and she just got mad at me. Maybe this will make others mad at me too. Or annoyed with an extra layer of emotional burden.

This sucks. I was doing so well.

If one of my friends is reading this, its not about you. Dont feel responsible or like you need to coddle my feelingd please.

[leopoldainter]

Not even close you call this varnish no no notorious

Although conspiratorial mislead Mrs. Summers still is rendered speechless

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falls off balcony

pots!

misses

T.cup

[dsi-os]

to the anon

a genuine response and message for you.

look anon, im sorry for your harsh situation. but also i dont think you even bothered to read my post. i do not hoard the money i work for and the money thats donated. it goes to my survival. and i literally do work to make enough for me to leave my bad housing and start over. once again. i dont specifically ask for it. im not forcing anyone to donate. its fully optional. would you rag on any creator on patreon for asking for donations? would you rag on anyone who is trying to escape a bad housing for asking for donations? id hope you dont. honestly anon, you should ask for donations too. there are people. strangers. who care about you. who want to help you. kindergarten teaches everything about helping eachother. you shouldnt see donations as a horrible thing. theres no shame in asking for help. please anon. what youre going through seems horrible, but thats no excuse for treating me like this and assuming every wrong thing about me. anon. get help. i dont mean that in a bad way. please, genuinely. find people who can help you. at first you made me angry, and while i'm still upset, im actually worried. you have a point, i do have a "safer" situation. but this isnt a homelessness competition.

anon please. go get help. /srs. youre not safe where you are. theres no shame in letting others help. and you can always pay them back if youd like to. i plan on doing the same once i have a safe place and stable income. im not going to be showing your ask publicly, once again, but im not trying to "hide the truth" or whatever. that was for your own safety and privacy. you shared information that you probably shouldnt be sharing to someone random just because you dont like them. but really. please open your donations. hell. once i can get money, even i'd donate. you've made me upset, but you need help. genuinely. im worried for you dude. sorry for blocking you and all that, and if you open your donations, after i donate i might just block you again because. i understand your bad situation but youre really an asshole about it. (considering in the last ask you sent, you compared me to the terf begging for money because she lost her food stamps, meanwhile im a whole ass trans person who is just simply asking for optional donations because im not in a safe place and it makes it easier for me to get a place .) also. to clear things up: -i said id buy a house because theres no rentable houses, apartments, or shelters. i cant even find roommate listings that i could go to yet. im trying to make it so we DONT need to be on the streets again. idk if maybe i worded it wrong? because i said "buy, if not rent" as in "if i cant find something to rent, i'll need to buy it" . so im sorry if it goes the other way around, as "rent, if not buy" ?? i really thought i worrded that right -i AM using the money to get out of the house . but i also need to survive . so . yknow. im not sure what youd expect. every shelter where i live is fucking expensive if that tells you anything. -yeah. my parents are working and so am i. are we making ANYWHERE NEAR ENOUGH? no. we arent. do you know jobs that actually pay enough to let you get shelter?? id love to hear. /srs -i barely have an income. ive gotten more money with the few donations ive ever gotten than ive EVER made with my commissions. my commissions do not bring in a reliable income. i can not survive off of them. -my donation post didnt become a meme. i linked my donation post ON a meme i made, because it was getting traction. in the same vain as when people promote their art stuff under hit posts. except my stuff is optional. -the truth of your ask was literally saying "shame on me" for asking for donations. you literally said this: (im only showing this one because you requested me to. and again, how much was incorrect, for context.)

you literally told me the equivalent of "you need help to survive? go fuck yourself" instead of saying anything helpful. AND more than HALF of the assumptions was wrong, as i showed you before. -people DO care if it doesnt belong to me. im constantly under threat about it. if they didnt care then i'd call this home. but its not my home. i dont belong here. its a house i barely have permission to stay at. -id never ask people who cant donate to EVER donate to me. its optional. im not forcing anyone to. everyone who does donate is because theyre nice people. even if they dont know me, they want to help. -i was talking about buying a house because theres nothing else we can do to be safe. theres no shelters. no roommate things. no apartments we can AFFORD. the only thing we found we might be able to afford as a shelter was an old trailer house! big surprise really. for you AND us. thats why thats our newest and safest plan and option. were working towards that. honestly we were hoping we can end the donation thing soon, so youre literally upset when were finally near the end of this. -lastly. this? -v

can be easily disproven with -v

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GoFundMe - i may not have my gofundme anymore because i lack the correct phone, but my point stands. life is hard for everyone, and they DO ask for money. they reach out for help. i am legally homeless. and poor. i am housed, but not under proper law. my aunt mistreats me and my parents. my focus is on my safety and leaving this place. all my money has to be constantly used to buy food. most of it not even ever going to me, and its never even enough to feed my family properly. none of this is a joke. anon. please. get help. /srs please open your donations. please ask for help from people you know and trust. itll only get worse if you dont. i only ask for help because me and my family arent able to make enough to get out by ourselves. youll find so many like us on gofundme and similar things. i am not doing this out of greed. im doing this out of necessity. trust me. it doesnt feel good having to rely on strangers and their kindness. but i physically cant do anything else yet. please keep yourself and the people you trust safe dude. i dont care if you hate me, or if you made me angry. please. ask for help. youre not safe. im not just saying this out of a "told you so". im saying this because you need help. youre not alone. the internet is much kinder than you think, as long as you dont attack first. /gen

again. i dont care if you hate me. i dont care if youre upset at me. i dont care if my existence and failure to find work and survive makes you so angry alone. i want you to ask for help. unfortunately not here, because... i cant help you with my situation. but anywhere else. trust me. youll be okay. asking for donations isnt as bad as you make it out to be. genuinely. please be safe, please ask for help, please take care of yourself. maybe in the future i can help you too. we'll see. for now, i will not be responding or showing any more asks you send me. for the fact that youre extremely rude, and you keep sharing information that again, you shouldnt share to a random stranger. i wish you luck. somewhere. not here. please leave me alone, until you learn how to behave and treat people. please be safe out there. good luck. /gen goodbye. tl;dr: i know you hate me for the fact i cannot do the same things as you, and so i ask for help. but i want you to ask for help too. you need it. genuinely. please be safe. take care of yourself. i wish you luck.

[serenitaee]

####### #######. I've always hated my name. Since i was born, there was never once, for a single second, that i've loved every part of myself, there was always something wrong with me. I have problems, im fucked in the head. My first suicide attempt was at 13. Ive lost count, but i tried on my 14th birthday, february 16. I wouldnt call this an attempt, but ive overdosed on pills since then at least once every month until april 13, when i was hospitalized. I came out after a week in the psych ward, and my next suicide attempt was in late june. I tried again in september, then halloween, and new years. Since september 2023 ive been slicing up my arms. I cant even say wrist because from my elbow down, both arms are covered in scars, front and back. My next attempt was on february 20th, then the 27th i overdosed.

Everything is wrong with me. Not just my depression, but just, me. I look wrong, and my body isnt mine. My hair doesnt fall right, and i always feel like my bones are trying to leave my skin. I cant stand the sight of myself. My weight, and my face. My hair, my voice, my hands and arms. My body wont allow me to eat without feeling discomfort, to look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed. The sound of my own voice repels me. I feel like a fish that cant swim. I shouldnt be here. Im an embarrassment to everyone around me. No father wants a daughter who has a D average, or at least mine doesnt.

I break things when im upset, and i yell. I get angry easily. I dont know why im angry. Im not an angry person, so i dont know why i act the way i do. I dont know what i am, but i know Im not a good person. I drag everyone into my own problems. Im like a black hole. Im a bad friend, im a bad influence, im a bad daughter. Im a bad person.

“Im tired of being your friend, i dont want to talk to you again or be friends or anything”

“Never unblocking that bitch”

“She think everything a damn joke”

“Is rin going? ‘No, i can only bring so many people anyways’ ‘oh thank the lord”

Out of context, its all bad, but i was the problem everytime. I dont understand boundaries, and i never take anything seriously. To me, im the only person that matters. I cant comfort people, but expect others to comfort me. Maybe, im not a bad person, but im not the person you should be around.

The only thing stopping me from taking my life is my siblings. My sister saw my arm, and she crid with me. She held me, and talked to me, and i saw her crying.

“Im scared to leave. Im scared that ill leave, and when i come back you wont be here” thats what she told me, and i keep thinking about it. And im sorry that i make everyone worry. Im sorry my mother cried everyday for the week i was in the hospital. Im sorry my sister has to worry about me when she should be worried about herself. Im sorry that this is how i am, and that i cant change myself.

I think, im impossible to love. To truly love. If you knew every part of me, my every thought, you wouldnt like me. You wouldnt want to be anywhere around me. Youd be ashamed to call me your daughter, your sister, or friend.

[colortraks]

this was all going to go in the tags but this is too much whining for that. so

idk when ill ever. Feel like an Adult. because i still feel like im on the same. fucking level as a stupid teenager. i mean this is mostly in regard to. Being fired. For fucking up multiple times. anmd the fact that in the real world "Sorry i feel really bad about it" just doesnt cut it and "My mistakes are eating me up inside in a way i cant describe to you" is a weird thing to say or manipulative Especially if from their perspective you just turn around and do Literally the same thing again As I Did

i feel . So immature for being upset about that. but i mean ''my best'' was frequently not enough even as a child so i shouldnt be that shocked but....im just. still really upset about it. i dont like feeling like a fuckup and i dont like when i am. objectively. fucking up....i dont know i just !!!!!!!!! i seem to have so much trouble with making the same mistake over and over!!!!!!! i dont know i dont know i dont knowwww im too tired to keep screaming and crying about it

im lucky enough that this isnt putting me in danger Thank fucking god for emma. and my family and all that but especially emma right now. hi emma if youre reading this idk if you look at my personal posts or like if anyone does

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts