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lookingforhobi · 3 years

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♡ tour ♡

TOUR (Part Two)

Summary: It was just a tour with your friends to explore Seoul. But life gave you Namjoon. Yes, Kim Namjoon, the leader of a world-renowned group BTS.

Author’s Note: This is originally planned as ONE-SHOT but some comments were asking for it. Long overdue because life happens but here it is finally! Please don’t reupload or make YT content without my permission. This is purely imagination.

Click the link for the part one on my Youtube channel

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x reader

au/genre/warning: too much heartbreak; mentions of self-harm, mental health issues; pregnancy warning, unprotected sex; aggressive

Word Count: 12.9k

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Your hands are shaking as you shuffle through the set of keys to your new apartment. This has been the biggest leap of faith you ever did so far. Well, aside from your craziness and dating Kim Namjoon! But you try your best not to think of him and remember the promise you made yourself not to reconnect with him anymore. You are here because finally you’ve gotten the offer in the University to teach- a dream that happened before you started knowing Kim Namjoon better, not just as idol but the real Kim Namjoon. You sighed when you finally open the door and immediately shut it behind you. It feels different and home sickness starts to creep in. The last time to set foot to this country was with your friends, with the goal just exploring what the place has to offer, but Seoul gave you Joon. “Here you go again with Namjoon, Y/N,” you sighed to yourself. Sometimes you wish you are in different world, in parallel universe. Maybe there, things would’ve worked out. Or maybe in another life, you’d be in the same world and life would be better. “Suck it up!” you told yourself. You can’t live in what ifs and what not’s. You’re here, now. That is what matters.

You picked up your phone and dialled your Mom’s number. Living away from home, with no friends around, in a place where your what ifs are, are kind of tough. You swallowed hard when your mom picked up. She was supportive of your dreams, but when she learned you’re going to Seoul she got worried. She knew about you and Namjoon, though confused what is the real reason of the breakup, she knew you’re in for another heartbreak once your ways intersect again.

“My sunshine, how are you? How’s the apartment? How’s your flight? Have you eaten yet?” your mom worried as ever. “I’m good, Mom. Apartment’s nice, but I haven’t unpacked yet. I just got here. The flight? Urgh, I slept before the plane takes off so…” You laughed. “that’s good. Do you have food there? At least eat something before resting. You can unpack later" You smiled at her remarks, you’re going to miss her sweet nagging and the way she babysits you sometimes. “Mom, I’m a grown-up woman. A strong independent woman. Okay? Don’t worry. I got this handled like a queen!” you chuckled. “Like me,” she added. The call run for what it feels like forever, as you talk about your goals and schedules and anything, you started unpacking your stuff. Placing the family photos carefully and making sure your apartment feels like home one way or another. You smiled seeing your friends’ photos. It was the greatest adventure that winter. It was unexpected, the events were unplanned, it left a big impact of your life..and to think about it, it is one of the reasons you decided to pursue your dreams. Partly, Namjoon pushing and keeps on bugging you to, but mainly because this is where you dreamt of settling way long before you knew BTS exist. Your fascination to South Korea, the culture, tradition, and history of the place made you fall in love, added the amount of KDramas you grew up with- being Goong on top of the list because of the historic and cultural twist of that rom-com.

“Rom Com,” you laughed to yourself. The word that got Namjoon puzzled the first time you talked about favourites. He made a lot of funny poetic thing out of those words, clearly making a big deal of flexing his brainy ass! You smiled to the memories of your dating journey. But as soon as you realised, bitterness and sadness took over again. It has been 3 years since the breakup, and you can’t still take it out of your system. You blamed yourself for being a weakling, a coward. Overly dramatic and pathetic. Well, that is what other fans told you when they found out he’s dating someone. Great thing is BigHit got to intervene before people starts digging into HER that makes Namjoon’s heart flutter and inspired. Writing the song HER in record-breaking time. You can’t bear to hear it now without crying your eyes out for days. It teared you out completely, leading to issues that needs professional help. He didn’t know about that, of course you would never say it. You ended the relationship without further explanation. You dropped it like it doesn’t matter anyway. “It was just a fling.” That was what you said. But you know clearly it was not.

Of course, it’s hard dating an idol. The moment you stepped into the airport when you left after your Seoul getaway, you knew it won’t work. You cling on to the promise that he’d make time to visit you secretly, or make sure you can come to their concerts if your schedule permits. But as life gave you Namjoon in an unexpected time, fate decided to give you the bitter reality. He missed your calls, he forgot your birthday, he’d text once a month. You tried to understand all of that. He clearly has dreams to chase, and you can’t expect him to be with you-especially with their growing popularity. All the concerts, and pressure of producing new tracks, is too much for him…and you came along. Another added stress to what is already on his shoulders. He pleaded to make it work, but you knew it won’t. The biggest part-lack of human touch. You crave for it. You needed it. You needed to be reassured, and you consider touch as your love language. And it is very impossible for two people living miles apart. Heck, worlds apart! At first, you find ways. But virtually, is nothing compared to what you’ve shared back then. The amazing touch, sounds you never knew existed, his deep voice moaning your name… You shake your head once more. “Not gonna happen again. 3 years, Y/N. He moved on. You broke the poor man’s heart because you’re weak. So let him go. Let go!” you say that every day, like a mantra that keeps you going through the whole day.

You opened your SNS to check up on your friends and update them of everything. They are already planning of visiting you. Unlike with them, they did not break Yoongi and Jimin’s hearts. They made it clear after that triple date not to get involved emotionally. They knew better, you did not listen to them, hence they named you “the hard-headed, heart-breaker”. You love their honesty though, and the way they put up with all your drama and crying and making sure you’re attending therapies. It’s not that you’ve attempted to end your life though, you just didn’t find any more reasons to do the things you used to love. You started drifting away from everyone else, shutting doors even to your mom, your blank stares , and the forgotten ways to find happiness. They were the first to notice you drifting away from life. They initiated therapy sessions, made sure you were never alone but still maintaining your independence, and still respecting your privacy and preferences. They are your lifeline. And without them here, it is a tough journey. But you know, you were never alone really. You found your ways of dealing and living with it, you know the pre-warning signs. You grew stronger through it all.

By the end of the day, your apartment is tidied up, all your stuff are organised, and you felt yourself starving. You decided to have a walk around the neighbourhood, looking for essential spots around the area. You found your way towards one convenience store, and that is when it hits you. Looking straight ahead, his face is plastered everywhere- even on drinks! You wish you could just have amnesia and forget you ever met. If you could just start over, you would not let a strange man jumped into your taxi from the airport. You sighed as you try to ignore his grin from the coffee canister. You picked Hoseok instead. Their group has gotten huge that if you meet people from the outer space, they will certainly know about them, too. The idea made you smile, and as crazy as it sounds. But that what Namjoon has always manifested- their message transcends to everyone. Not just being popular but creating an impact that could change one or two lives. Yet he clearly cannot see how one group touched millions of people, and continue touching and attracting positivity to every homes. You are so proud of what they have become. Not that you have personal history together, but because before you’re HER, you’re an ARMY first. You look back to the moments when you have been struggling and how the group manage to lift you up. Ironically, the leader became one of the reasons for your confusion and heartaches for the last 3 years. If there’s an advice you can give to your younger self- DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH AN IDOL.

Weeks by, and little by little you get to adopt and create a system of how you’re going to survive this new beginning. You have also met some friends which are so lovely, even some from your country. Luckily, when Hallyu wave is the topic, you can manage to explain the true reason of you coming to South Korea- which is their rich cultures and amazing landscapes. You’ve also visited the places on your bucket list with the guide of your friends, particularly Felix. He has been very accommodating and welcoming and would give you amazing trivia about the places. You spend a lot of time together and sometimes he’d pick you up at work. He’s a nice guy, and you’re starting to like him but you know you’re not ready for anything yet. You made that clear the first time you talked about relationship, but not revealing the identity of the reason.

Days rolled to weeks, turned to months and before you know it it’s been almost a year since you’ve moved. You have been thriving and surviving, managing to build a wall between you and all BTS-related stuff. It has been quite a struggle because they are everywhere but you were able to filter the Namjoon you dated, pretend he’s a different guy from the BTS leader. Because from what you’ve learned, he is really different from RM. Namjoon is real, RM is just a tiny speck of Namjoon.

Fate must’ve been really bored one day you went to a coffee shop after work. It was an unexpected get together with your friends when a familiar face appeared. Your heart begins to race, you feel blood draining from your face, and you hold your breath. “Seems like you’ve seen a ghost” said Ligia. You can’t speak, you just stared at Manager Sejin and Namjoon entering the café. “You said you’re not into KPop?” asked Jenna. You can’t find answers, you can’t think. All you want is to bask in Namjoon’s ethereal presence. He still has that effect on you. The photos from everywhere is nothing compared to the actual Namjoon. Photographers don’t do justice no matter how they try. The man’s beyond aesthetic. His hair, that silver hair you always compliment…and did he hit the gym? He clearly did, his shoulders… his chest…oh that veiny arms who used to wrapped around your waist. That chest you used to sleep on. You’re longing for his touch…. You sit there staring at him, not minding all the questions and commotion from your friends. Not until…

“Y/N?” His voice, his heavenly voice, waking you up from your frozen state. “Oh my. You’re here? Here, here?” he walks towards you and all hell lose. You looked at your friends and strangers looking blankly at you two. Manager Sejin manages to warn anyone not to take photos, bodyguards started coming in. But you, everything seems to be moving slowly. “Ba---” he was about to say it, as if it’s the most natural thing to say. “Nam—Namjoon. H-hi" you finally found your voice, shaky and whispered, but still manageable. You didn’t know how but your friends seemed to be nowhere. It’s just you and Namjoon now, even Manager Sejin seems to have left. “Why? How? When?” he asked. Not sure how to answer, you just shook your head. “I’m sorry. I can’t, I… I don’t know how to explain.. not now, Joonie" you whispered. He smiled but you know he’s confused as well. You stood there for what it feels like eternity. You longed to touch him, you wish you could. But reality is creeping in. If you do it, it’ll ruin your Namjoon. It’ll ruin him and the guys. You cannot afford to do that. You kept your composure and bowed, attempting to walk away. Because any second, you’d burst crying and it’ll be no turning back. Your friends will start asking questions, social media will be filled of your photos, articles will be put up, heck Dispatch has its own ways of finding even your whole information. No, you must leave now!

“Can I at least call you?” he suddenly whispered. “I deserve answers, Y/N" he begged. You looked at him, he’s devastated as well. Was he struggling for the past years too? Trying hard to hide his true emotions, putting up a show for the whole world to know he’s doing great? You nodded. “Same info", you replied. “Thank you. It’s great to see you" he bowed, too formal, too stiff. He walked away first from the back door as Sejin walked past you. You bowed to both at them as they make their way out. When they’re gone, the store reopened but you chose to go home immediately leaving your friends with all their questions and worried looks.

You turned everything off- phone, SNS, laptop…anything that could connect you to the outside world. Right now, you just wanted to be alone. Soak in your own tears and begin hating yourself again. He was few feet away, so near…yet so far. You pinched yourself to make sure you can still feel anything except the emotional pain. Any pain, anything that could divert you from the thoughts of what if’s. “fuck it!” was all you can say while opening another bottle of beer. Sometimes you question how you get so lucky that Namjoon knows your existence. Yet cursed because every move means you could destroy him. “I just wanted a normal life! Date a normal guy! Hold his hand in public! Kiss him in front of the crowd!” You started shouting, over and over until you get exhausted. Curse.

You’re woken up by loud knocking. You checked the clock and it’s 4am, you only had 30 minutes of rest and whoever this is means it’s urgent by how heavy the knocks are. You remembered turning off all your connections, your friends must have been so worried. You peeked at the door, a tall guy’s silhouette stands there. “The fuck you want? Who are you??!!” you yelled. Beer breath coming out and you’re starting to get really dizzy. “open up Y/N" he whispered. “Namjoon? How the fuck did he managed to find me? You asked yourself. “Sorry, wrong house" you answered. “You can’t fool me. Let me in, please. It’s freezing" he begged. “Fuck Namjoon, it’s 4am what the hell are you thinking?” you asked him as you opened your door. You have enough beer in your system to act brave as you face the inevitable questioning. His scent was the first you caught. And God knows how much you missed that scent. 4 years since you’ve last smell that, and it brings back all memories. But now is not the time to think about those memories. “You’ve been drinking?” he has a hint of annoyance in his voice. You chuckled “duh!”. He sighed and sit himself down. “Why are you not answering?” now he seems concerned. “Disconnected outside world" you managed to reply as you tried your best to walk straight. “Jeez, Y/N! You’re wasted. This is not clearly the time" he remarked. “Yes, Kim Namjoon. This is not our time! There will never be our time!” you hissed in anger. He froze by your reply, hurt perhaps, and you started sobbing yet again. “In another lifetime, perhaps" you cried before everything turned black.

You woke up with the worst hangover headache. Everything feels heavy, and the sunlight is not helping at all. You groaned as you roll over your bed and noticed your clothes on the floor. Sudden gush of shock rush through your system as you try your hardest to recall the events from yesterday. NAMJOON! You immediately looked for signs of Kim Namjoon in your room. Aside from clothes on the floor, you’re also wearing new set of pyjamas. “Oh no no no no no no!” you prayed nothing happened between you. It will be a disaster, and you can’t let it ruin your lives again. You quickly run towards the kitchen and notice that the bottles of beer are now neatly packed by the kitchen counter, the living room tidy and not a single evidence of mess. “Joonie?” you asked. But no answer. You can’t be dreaming. No matter how drunk you were last night, you know he was here. He was, and the note on the table confirmed it.

Took the liberty to cook you breakfast. Also have medicines for headache. Lemonade on the fridge. Answer my messages/calls.

-NJ

You asked yourself how can he act as if nothing happened? Like you didn’t break his heart and tore him to pieces? Are you that irrelevant? Worth forgiving without even asking for one? How can he move on so easily? You did this, and your suffering for it but he acts cool and pretends to be okay. You pushed the food aside and went on to get the lemonade, which another note was attached.

Food first before medicine.

You rolled your eyes. And sighed as you open your phone. Messages came flooding through. From friends, your mom, voice mails, and notifications. But above everything, an unknown number with lots of missed call logs. You debated whether to call back that number, as if you don’t have a hint of who owned this number. Like on Cue, the number begins calling you. You were startled and almost dropped your phone. Your heart racing and skipping a beat at the same time.

“Hello?” you greeted.

“Finally!” Namjoon groaned.

“Why?” you asked plainly. “Nothing. Just making sure you’re up and eating.”

“Yes, I saw the notes. Thanks" you sighed. Then followed by silence.

“I have to go. But I'll call you again" he said, and ended the call.

What’s new? You mumbled to yourself. It was like that. It started with calls like that. He was always busy, you get it. You let him be, talk to you whenever he can. You never asked directly or demanded anything from him. His free time means writing new tracks, and talking to you at the same time. You were okay with it. His voice calms you down and brings comfort. He would send surprise gifts, too, with the help of Abi and Maigne.

You decided to call your friends.

“Whattt??? He went to your apartment? What was he thinking???” Maigne freaked out. “I don’t know, I didn’t get the chance to ask.” You answered. “Y/N! You didn’t…..did you?” Abi asked with questioning look. “No!.... I don’t know! I woke up with different set of clothes” you looked down, trying to recall everything but to no avail. “You…aiissshhh!!! I don’t know. How are you though?” Maigne asked, concern taking over. You shrugged because honestly, you don’t know. “Is there…is there any news? You know, SNS?” you waited patiently as both of them tried hard not to spill the tea. “Hmm. Nothing so far. Clear from dispatch. Comeback goals…, few buzzed about Namjoon and mystery girl at a coffee shop.. nothing much.” Abi said, as she scrolls absent-mindedly through her feeds. “Yeah, same", added Maigne. They were busy scrolling that they did not catch your reaction from the last statement. “Coffee shop". “What?” they asked in unison. “That was me" you swallow painfully. “Why would you leave that detail???” Maigne asked. “I was pre-occupied with him barging in my apartment. But yeah, that is how we met.” And you filled them with all the details you can remember. They are confused as well, and have different opinions on how to deal with Namjoon. “We’ll be filing our vacation leave soon. Hang in there, okay?” Abi reassured and you smiled as you ended the video call. You didn’t bother calling your Mom about Namjoon, she’ll just worry and you know she’s had enough of you getting your heartbreak.

You let go and ignored the urge to text him again. Besides, you learned that they’re preparing for their comeback. What you need to prepare is how to answer your new friends. Of course you can’t tell the truth. “I attended couple of album signing and other events for BTS. They have very sharp memories,” you lied. They didn’t bugged you again, as it has become a norm for the fans to attend public events. Days pass and you decided to focus on your work instead of basking around the idea of Namjoon, or reaching out to him. But then you receive a message from him:

Namjoon: Can we meet?

You: Outside? IDK Namjoon. It’s all over SNS

Namjoon: I’ll pick you up. The guys wanted to see you, too.

You: Is that even a good idea?

Namjoon: They missed you

You: Should we be talking first? I don’t want them to get the idea that I’m coming back

Namjoon: ok

You know it hurt him, just as much as it hurts you. But it is for the better. They might get the wrong impression of you coming back to Namjoon’s life just because you’re here now. They might protect you, they can protect you. They have been always supportive of you and Namjoon. But the main concern here is- will you be able to protect them especially Namjoon? You’ve put him in so much stress and heartbreak already, you can’t let that happen again as much as you missed him. His image is more important than anything. It’s the best you can do.

You: you can come here. We can talk here.

You were fixing your dinner when you heard someone knocking. You are not expecting anyone, except Namjoon. You furrowed your brows, it can’t be… But when you opened the door, it is him.

“Hi. Wasn’t expecting you. I thought we’d schedule or something,” you stuttered. “Oh, did I catch you in a bad time?” he hesitated. “No, no. I just thought you’re busy. Come in,” you try your best to calm your nerves. Seeing him here, miraculously you’re sober this time, makes you want to cling yourself around his arms. Feel him, touch him. It took all your might not to do that. “I’m preparing dinner. Do you wanna…join?” you can’t hide the awkwardness, but he smiled. The most reassuring smile. “Sure,” he attempts to stand up but you signalled him not to. It’s like you’re both testing waters, trying to hold back everything. “So, how are you?”, he asked while looking at the photos on the table. You scoffed “Surviving”. He nodded and smiled a little. “You?” you asked. “Album prep’s going on nicely.” “No, Joon. Namjoon. You.” You insisted. “I like it when you call me that. And yeah, I guess I am trying to survive, too” Then silence followed. You know it’s time to talk about what happened, but you don’t want to ruin dinner. Stalling, you’re good at it. Prolonging your agony perhaps but at least you’re buying a little more time to look at him. The man who was once you called home. “Dinner’s ready. Wine?” you want to kick yourself for offering alcohol when you want to talk about serious stuff. He nodded, showing his dimples. Your favourite…one of your favourite parts of him.

Dinner was fine but awkward. He tried to lighten up the mood by talking about the new album, the past concerts, the craziness of the guys, and how they get full schedule for the whole year. You are very proud of them, how they handle everything together all at once. “How are you, Y/N?” he suddenly asked. “I told you, surviving.” You replied. He nodded. “Listen..” you inhaled deeply. He sighed; he knows it’s THE TALK you’re going to have. “I’m sorry for bailing out.” You dropped your gaze on the floor, not wanting to see how devastated he is. “I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve... I should’ve fought harder. But I just couldn’t. I had to let go,” your tears begin to pool in your eyes. Your vision becomes blurry. He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. So, you continued, “You were the nicest guy- RM or Namjoon. And I just can’t be with you. I can’t ruin you, Joon. I won’t forgive myself if that happens. I can’t defend you. I can’t…” “please, stop” he sighed. “It’s not on you, Y/N. I was too busy I forgot about you, your needs. My promises” he sighed. “I knew it won’t work. But at least we tried?” you whispered, sobbing. “We did,” he whispered too, voice starts to crack.

Months past, you focused yourself and everything into work that you never had any chance of thinking about what happened during that night. It was all dramatic but freeing. You stopped questioning everything and decided to move forward instead of dwelling in the past. He is doing well, too. You started to follow them on SNS again, started watching their new MVs and interviews. You smile once in a while, and ironically, their new songs comfort you. You were back being ARMY. Whatever happened in the past is far behind your control and concern right now. Besides, you are an ARMY first. You also started going to the places you once visited with Namjoon. Your favourite place to unwind and de-stress is the restaurant near Han River where you went on a dinner date. It was awkward at first, memories came flushing. But every time you set foot, it becomes your comfort zone. Plus the view is really relaxing and heavenly. One hell night, you were rushing to get away from all the stress of work, you drive all the way there only to be told that the whole place is reserved for VIP visitors. To your dismay, you sighed and stayed outside for a little while. While you were about to go home, someone called your name. “Y/N? Is that you?” You turned around and you were immediately enveloped into his hug. “Oh my! It is you! Wow!” Jimin giggled. “Jimin! Hi. Um, what…you’re here?” you asked in panicked. “Yes, the boys are inside. Come!” he pulled you. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Chim.” You said shyly. “Oh don’t worry with Namjoon. He’s cool, he’s moved on. We know.” Your heart pains by his remark. “Yeah. But… I don’t know.” You hesitated. “Just drop and say hi then I’ll let you be. I promise. We just missed you having around.” He looked at you with puppy eyes, and who would not fall for that trick? Especially coming from sweet Jimin! You sighed and you let him lead you inside. “Look who I found outside!” Jimin screamed. They all looked at you, mouth wide open. You can’t bear look at them but you turned your gaze to Namjoon. “Y/N?” he stood up and walk towards you. “H-hi. I was about to go home. You guys enjoy the night.” You bowed to them and walk away, but Namjoon caught your arm. “No, no. Stay for a while. Join us. Right guys?” he asked them and they all nodded. You caught Yoongi’s eyes and he looks at you with angry look. You move your gaze to the floor, trying to contain your tears. “Yeah, Y/N. Join us” he said plainly. You know Namjoon felt the intensity of Yoongi’s words, too, but he shook it off. You smiled a little, unsure about Yoongi’s reaction. “So, Y/N. What have you been up to? Are you staying for good? Or you gonna run again?” he asked bitterly. “Hyung. Let’s not.. please drop it” Namjoon interrupted. The guys fell silent. You inhaled sharply, you were put in a hot seat, might as well give them what they want to hear. To hell with all the inhibitions and pretentions. “Look, I messed up, big time,” you started. “Y/N, we’re good. You don’t have to explain. We’ve already talked” he whispered. “No, Joon. We talked, but they didn’t hear me. They also need to know. What happened was not just between you and I. They were affected, too. I know.” You sighed. “I messed up. You’ve been so protective of me, of us. You did everything to keep my identity away from spying eyes. You protected me in a way I can’t protect you. I… I felt useless, I felt like a hindrance. I can’t come near you because I’m too afraid to be exposed. I can’t let myself ruin your career.” You swallowed hard before continuing.. “Namjoon went through a lot, I know how it feels because I got my heart broken too, you know. But you were there to console him, you have full schedule to at least help him get off his mind from me. I have nothing. I always had you to comfort me, but when it all happen, I can’t even listen to a single song nor can’t bear to say your name. You were my comfort, and I broke you. It’s selfish. I’m sorry. I will leave you be.” You started crying hard. Not giving a fuck of what you look like in front of everyone. You let your heart out, you’re

standing there vulnerable and looking pathetic but you don’t care anymore. You wanted to scream, you wanted to say you still care but you didn’t. You didn’t want to hurt them again especially Namjoon. “You know we are ready to risk everything just to see Namjoon happy again. He was doing well. Now, you’re here again? Why?” Yoongi asked without any emotions. “They offered me a job here. I know I should’ve rejected it. It’s dumb. But don’t worry, I will not get in your way.” You answered back. “That’s not what I meant, Y/N” Yoongi softens. He looked at you and to Namjoon. “Is there a tinge of hope when you accepted the offer, that Namjoon is part of why you accepted it?” he asked. You looked at Namjoon and started sobbing again. Because yes, you knew Seoul is home. You knew he was here. You didn’t expect nor look for him, but you let fate decide. You readied yourself of the possibility of bumping into him. Namjoon was about to hug you but you stepped back. “I can’t do this. Not again. I’m sorry” you bowed and run as fast as you could. Away from them. You opened up another wound, you did this. But you also felt relief for having the chance to explain to the guys why you did what you did. It’s for the best. Hopefully.

“So, since you’ve fully admitted to be an ARMY, can we please please please attend their concerts?”, begged Ligia when they announced the concert details few months after the storm within you had settled. “Concerts? You mean not just one day?” you asked bewildered. “YES! I’ve been saving up and finally getting enough money to go worldwide!!” she exclaimed proudly. You shook your head, “I don’t know. I have to look at my schedule first.” She screamed with excitement. “No promises!” you replied laughing. You fixed your schedule the next day you went to work, great thing concerts are scheduled during weekends. The ticket selling was nerve-wracking though! All your friends-ARMY or NOT, help you buy VIP tickets for both days. But Ligia seemed to be wanting more so with her constant nagging, you both applied for soundcheck for both days as well. And life gave you what you’ve wished for- both days with soundcheck privilege. “You’re one lucky, bitch!” she screamed when you told her you got them, unluckily for her she was not chosen. “Well, it was your idea!” you laughed, “I’ll sneak a photo or video for you” you tried to console her. “Namjoon,” she replied. All of a sudden, you gasp. “What??? I said I like Namjoon. Have photos or videos of him doing Bapsae please!” she begged. The memories of your first night came rushing on you. He was indeed great in that movement. You blushed as you tried to contain the giddy feeling taking over you. “Sure,” you managed to answer with cracking voice.

The day of the concert and you and Ligia were too excited and messy all at the same time. Her enthusiasm got over you as well as you both giggle with the posters you made and the outfit you’ve chosen for each other. You were planning something comfortable but Ligia won’t drop the lace and harness the boys were wearing during the previous concerts and concepts. “I’m not sure about this. We’ll be standing, screaming, dancing and crying in these tight outfits for 2 hours!” you screamed. “As long I catch Namjoon’s glimpse, I don’t fucking care!’” she screamed harder. Namjoon, looking at other girls with these outfit. Bitterness takes over. You sighed and let go. You’re not in any position to complain. He’s heavenly, and his dark gaze would turn anyone into feelings not known even to themselves. You shake your head to dismiss another thought of him. The que is outrageous as expected! But one thing that is amazing- ARMY strangers turn into friends the moment you’re in the que. They are all friendly and giddy and for a moment you know you’re part of something big, a family, a universe. And for what it feels like forever you are glad you’re alive in this lifetime witnessing history made by BTS. Ligia decided to come early even if she’s not part of the soundcheck, she wanted to meet all the ARMYs and started distributing gift and tokens to her new found family. You smiled and waved at her when it’s time to enter the soundcheck area. Adrenalin pumping all over your system, like it’s your first time seeing them. You smiled, trying to recall the happy memories you personally experience around the guys. One by one, the guys showed up. Hyping ARMYs and the crowd goes wild. You were screaming as well, and then he saw you. Out of all the crowd, his eyes dart on you. He looked at you from head to toe, and back to your face. You suddenly stopped and bit your lips. The boys were busy saying something to ARMY but here you are locking gaze with their leader. You saw him mouth WOW while looking at you- in a black tight leather mini skirt, mesh stockings. Red lace bralette topped with black leather jacket, choker and harness all over your body. You were cursing Ligia for making you wear such outfit but seeing Namjoon’s reaction made you feel glad. He liked it, clearly. Then Hoseok went to him and bumped him, signalling they’re about to start the soundcheck. Hoseok saw you as well and waved at you with wide eyes and silly smile. Only then you heard ARMYs screaming and you’re taken back to your senses. You pinched yourself and tried not to be too obvious with what’s happening in your body every time Namjoon looks at you. He’s sending butterflies, making your heart beat faster, taking your breath away. You remembered your promise to Ligia and took the risk of getting your phone out. It is prohibited though, but you don’t care anymore. You’re doing this not just for Ligia but for memories of what is happening to you, to him, right here. Like he knows what you are doing he went near to your area, winked sending all the ARMY screaming. Then for a moment, they rested and talked. Hoseok laughed and looked at you and all the members nodded. Jimin went to talk to the producers and Yoongi talked, “Okay this is not in the setlist but guess what?” and on cue, Bapsae played! “Shit” was all you can say as they disperse taking their own places in the stage. And a tease as he is, he chose in front of you. Your eyes widened and he showed his smirk, and you swore as you almost dropped your phone. He was at it- hard and wild. Making you sweat, swallow, squirm and trying to compose yourself. You reminded yourself once again of the reasons why you both decided to stop trying. You were fine, but damn Namjoon teasing you like this. You can feel the heat on your cheeks as he dances in front of you, locking gaze subtlety. He’s enjoying this, and whatever it is you are teasing him as well biting your lips and parting them with a sigh. He laughed and shook his head when the song ended. “WOOOOOOWWW! Amazing! See you later ARMYs!!!” screamed Jungkook. And that marks the

end of soundcheck. Before they went back, he glanced at you one more. You smiled.

You were out and showing the video to Ligia when suddenly you received a text. You quickly grabbed your phone away from her just in time the pop-up notification shows.

Namjoon: Wow. Lace and leather huh?

You: Ligia made me wear it.

Namjoon: Suits you well, Y/N.

You: Stop. I’m not going for the soundcheck tomorrow anymore!

Namjoon: you got 2 days? Just my luck

You: Rest.

Namjoon: See you later.

You furrowed your brows to his last reply but dismissed it anyway. “Who was that? You’re blushing!”, exclaimed Ligia. “No one.” You quickly deleted the messages and hand her your phone, “You want to finish the video or what?” She giddily takes it and melts in her own world.

After the concert, you felt as if you’re drained. Every time a concert ends, it’s like it brings you to a state of separation anxiety where you don’t know what else to do except re-live every moment. It goes like that all the time. You hang in there till the next time you get to hype with them, and longing starts to creep in. They were beyond amazing tonight, setting standards for concerts to the highest. Ligia was so happy and can’t stop talking about them, now confused more than ever between who her real bias is. “So, who’s your bias? I was too focused and I lost count how many times I swerve lanes tonight!” she exclaimed on your way to your apartment. “I don’t have one,” you answered honestly. “They all hit you in different ways, you know? So I threw that bias list and hype up to whoever that gives me the most feels in different situations.” She nodded. “So glad I was able to see them live. We’re lucky” she remarked. Yes, you are. And to your luck, you noticed a car parked outside your building. Great thing Ligia lives on the other building so you went separate ways. “See you tomorrow! And be sure to wear the outfit we’ve chosen or else..!” she bids as she runs to her building. Your eyes started to linger on the car parked. You don’t want to get your hopes up but who would park there with an unreleased Hyundai Palisade?

You dismissed the thought and continue walking towards your door.

Namjoon: 2 minutes

You ignored the message and decided to reply later as you settled in your couch to rest. But your rest was disturbed at exactly 2 minutes. When you opened the door, Namjoon entered quickly, looking back if someone saw him. “Shit, took you so long to go home,” he remarked. “Are you insane? Why are you here, Namjoon! Fuck, there are people outside! You’re trying to get Dispatch expose you, huh?” He laughed and sighed, basking in the sight of you and your concert outfit. Suddenly you became aware of what you have done to him. “No. Hey, this is fun. But Namjoon, we talked about this.” You tried to calm yourself but your voice is failing you, cracking because of how intense he looks at you. “Why did you go to the concert?” he asked. “I’m an ARMY and I missed seeing you perform.” He chuckled. “I- I mean all of you. Pft, not you alone! You know.. you and the boys, and..” you are shaking under his gaze. “Yeah, and why dressed like that? You know you’re attending soundcheck and it’s not crowded” he whispered. You swear his low, dark voice, would be your death. “Ligia’s fault.” “Hmm” he replied and walk closer to you. You tried to walk back, you really need to walk away. This is going to be messy and you made mental note of how this would ruin you and his career. You know better, you have to. But your body froze, your heart beats fast, your breath shallow in anticipation. The butterflies went swirling and your heart just keeps on failing you. You blame your hormones for being too wild tonight, for letting it take over the moment your eyes lock during soundcheck. The intense gaze while dancing, the memories of you having wild sex that winter. The urge, painful urge of longing for his touch. The feelings are all too overwhelming. He feels it, too. That is why he is here, risking everything just to see you. It’s not lust, it’s not just mere body craving. It’s the longing you both have been trying to contain. You both tried ignoring it when he went for closure. You know how much he strained himself not to touch you, kiss you. But tonight, all of the what if’s and risks are slowly fading. You crave for him. God knows how much you miss caressing his silky hair, kissing his soft velvety lips, playfully poking his dimples. Seems like he can read your mind, he sighed. “Y/N,” he whispered and touch his forehead to yours. “what are you doing to me?” “Joonie, I think…” you can’t finish your sentence. You just want to grab him and kiss him like it’s your last day on earth. “Baby, I want you back” he whispered, longing voice, almost begging. “I need you, Y/N. I need my yellow. When you left, I struggled a lot. I am good at hiding, but this time, seeing you here. I am willing to take the risk. Please, come back” he hugged you tight you can feel his heart beating fast. “Namjoon, we’ve talked about this. It’s a big risk for you and the whole group” you cannot deny the fact that you wanted him, too. You wanted him and willing to do whatever it takes, but what if you ruin his image? The group worked hard to where they are now. You can’t just take it away from them just because you are deeply in love with their leader. “We are all adults, we are humans. We are not perfect just as the society wants us to be. We need love, too” he whispered. You melted, like a butter your heart melts away. Who are you to deprive the love Namjoon deserves? Who are you to take his yellow away? You are coward, and you’re making him look pathetic to be begging for you. “Baby, I want to. You know how much I love you. But what if…” he didn’t let you finish. You admitted that you’re still in love with him through these years is enough for him. He slowly dip his face towards you, inch by inch you can clearly see him brightening, gaining his own beam of light. He loves you, you love him.

Whatever it takes, you throw all your worries away. You kissed him. You let your love and adoration to Kim Namjoon take over. The kiss was surprisingly slow, no rush despite the years of being apart. You take it all in, passion and pure ecstasy. His lips as soft as ever, his hands caress your back delicately as if afraid this is not real. It’s like your hand has a mind of its own, you caress his soft silver hair. His hands travels from your back to your waist and before you know it, he’s carrying you to the couch. You sit on his lap, aware of all that is happening inside his trousers and the heat building up between you. You need to feel him, you want him so bad you deepened the kiss. His tongue gently asking for permission, and you let him in. Soft moans and gasps are all you can hear in the silent living room. Before you could go any further, you break it. “Why?” he whispered. “You still have concert for tomorrow, Baby. And as much as I want you to spend the night here, I do. God, I really do. But I want to-“ “Let’s take things slow” he finished. He smiled sincerely and kiss you again, more passionate than ever. You nodded and he pulled you into a tight hug. “Oh how much I miss you, Y/N. I don’t want to let go.” He chuckled. “Me, too. So much that it hurts. But for now, you are RM. And as RM, you have to be at your 101% tomorrow. Today, you’ve been so rough and full of energy. I don’t want to have that energy all to myself tonight.” You teased. “But what about your outfit? I wanna ruin it, rip it off. Replace that choker with my hands” he whispered. “I love that. But not today” you teased back. He grunted but brings you into a tight hug. “So this means, you’re mine. Right?” he asked. “Silly! I am always yours, Kim Namjoon. Always.” You kissed him once more, savouring the feeling of being enveloped into the arms of your man once more. You were enjoying the comfiest hug when his phone buzzed. He answered but still holding you close. “Yes. I’m here at Y/N’s apartment. Shut up! No, I’m going back later. Let me fucking enjoy my girlfriend, Hoseok! STOP CALLING ME!” he laughed as he ended the call. “What was that?” you asked. “He keeps on asking if I’m coming home tonight or if I want to meet them at the stadium tomorrow instead” he chuckled. “Hoseok and his cuteness!” you giggled. “They missed you, you know. They saw you today, and they keep on bugging me to bring you there” he looked at you, asking for permission. “I missed them, too. But we’ll work it out. After what happened to Yoongi, I don’t know if I’m even welcome anymore,” you admitted. “Hey. Babe, it’s fine. When you left that night, we had discussions. They fully understand now. He even asked about you today. He saw you, too” he explained. “And…?” you bit your lips, bracing for a heart-break. “He wants to make up. So please come with me after the concert tomorrow?” he showed his dimples, acting cutely. “What if someone sees me?” you are worried and questions are starting to pile up again. “We got it covered, just like the old times. Besides, we’re adults. We’re all going to date one day, it just so happens that I got you first” he chuckled. You rolled your eyes on him, setting your head on his broad chest. “You’ve gotten big” you teased. “Wait till I show you. Now?” he whispered. “Not today” you laughed.

Your next concert outfit was the complete opposite of yesterday. You choose to wear BT21 pyjamas, complete with headband and other accessories. Since Ligia is wearing Koya, you chose to wear Chimmy. When Namjoon saw you at the soundcheck, he can’t stop laughing and even pointed it to Jimin, to which he almost rolls on the floor with too much laughing. It was fun seeing them doing the things they love, and seeing Namjoon so happy today. Others also noticed it by the amount of SNS updates of how he was looking so fine today and his dimples deeper than ever. To your surprise, they change some of the song line up for day 2. They added Outro: Her. You have mixed emotions over that song. The song he has written for you in under 20 minutes. You were on the phone then, and suddenly he interrupted you. “Wait, baby. I have something… stay on the line” The next thing you know, he was singing. His vocals that soothe you, and the sweet humming while he tries to put it all together. When it was complete, he let you hear it. “You’re the first to hear this demo. My HER” he said excitedly. “Also, your tear?” you asked sweetly. He chuckled, “yeah, my start and end”.

And now, hearing it after the breakup and now reconciliation, it hits you. All to different places but most importantly in your heart. He is so sincere and innocent and pure, and your heart swells with pride. Kim Namjoon, the philosopher, all yours. You look at him while he’s singing on the stage and it seems like he’s looking for someone- YOU. You were in barricade, so you are very near the stage. You screamed so loud even Ligia was startled. “KIM NAMJOON! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU!” And just like that, he saw you. He beamed and went to you, continue singing. To others, it may seem normal as the boys usually do that-even to the point of taking videos of themselves using ARMYs phone. But to you, it’s different, it is special. He sit, looking at you while singing. You stood there, calmly crying while Ligia’s looking at you then Namjoon then back to you, while her eyes wide open and mouth dropping. It hits her. She knew. But you don’t care anymore. You only cared about Namjoon. Your universe. When the song ended, they did their ending spiel. One by one they thank ARMY for two amazing nights and promising to see ARMYs again. They are set for world tour and you brace yourself for another rollercoaster ride.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” Ligia shouted after the concert ended. “What was what?” you pretended to know nothing. “The fuck! Tell me the truth! How’d you know Namjoon? First the coffee shop, then random texts, and now HER?” Ligia interrogated. “You have to stop reading fanfictions! Jeez!” you tried to shake it off by laughing at her reaction. “Oh don’t give me that shit, Y/N! Truth, now” she demanded. “Look, I am so tired. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” you smiled reassuringly. “You were flirting with him on the stage! And..” she gasp. “What?” You look at where Ligia is looking. “Babe,” Namjoon called you, walking towards you. “What is happening. I’m going to pass out! You… he..” she can’t finish her sentence. “What in the world, Namjoon?” you scolded him in front of your frozen friend. “It’s taking too long. I had to steal you away from…?” Namjoon looked at Ligia. “L-Ligia” she answered like she’s under a spell. “That’s enough drooling over my man, Ligia” you jokingly warned. “What the fuck, you traitor! He’s my bias!” she said jokingly but internally screaming. “What about you two get in the car before dispatch comes here?” Namjoon whispered. You pulled Ligia with you, who is clearly still in shocked. You were both greeted by the security, no other BTS members. They must have been too tired or having after party. “Where to?” asked one bodyguard. “The restaurant near Han River please” Namjoon replied, enveloping you into tight hug and kissing you on your forehead. Ligia shriek by Namjoon’s gesture. “So.. you two? If you don’t mind me asking?” interrogated Ligia. The security answered, “All information about personal life of BTS members must be kept in private. Should there be breached with the member’s personal life, please know that you are held liable and may be called to address in the court.” “Holy shit. That strict huh?” Ligia replied. You and Namjoon chuckled, and the body guard cleared his throat. “You’re in this mess, girl. Sorry” you laughed. “I still have a lot of questions though” she insisted. You shook your head and smiled. “Shit, I should’ve went straight to my apartment!” she sighed. “I trust you. But by this time, Bighit might have your information. Shhh. So” you joked around. “For fucking real? I don’t want my visa to be revoked over this relationship.” She laughed. “We’re kidding. And yes, Y/N is my girlfriend” Namjoon answered. “Lucky you! I might start crying now” she replied, literally teary-eyed. “Hey, I’m not gonna take your bias-RM, away. Kim Namjoon is mine, RM is for all ARMY” you replied. He tightened his hug around you, “I think I’m the lucky one.” He kissed you in the forehead once again.

The dinner went well, with Ligia talking and asking about how cool being the biggest boy band right now, the groups plan for the future, and keeps praising them and thanking them for all the music and inspiration they give to everyone. Namjoon feeds her with details about the preparation from the concerts while subtly keeping his hands tightly wrapped around your waist. He doesn’t want to be rude but you know he wants to rest now. When Ligia run out of things to say, she finally retreats. “so, how am I going home now?” she chuckled. “We’ll drop you off your apartment.” Replied the bodyguard. “What about you, Y/N?” she asked. “Oh she’s coming with me.” Namjoon replied casually. Her eyes wide and smirked, “oh..” You shake your head with her reaction. “Seems like you both are ready to bed, wearing pyjamas at concerts.” Namjoon chuckled.

After dropping Ligia, you went to your apartment to get some stuff. You decided to visit the boys and celebrate with them before they go to intense rehearsals for their upcoming world tour. They’re going to the US for couple of months and you have decided to stay rather than go with them, besides work needs you here and you haven’t had time to file your leave. You’re okay with it. You have manage more than a year without seeing each other, what is months compared to it. At least now, you know he’s just literally around the corner when they’re back home.

The boys greeted you one by one. They are as welcoming as ever, and unlike the previous encounter at the restaurant, Yoongi came in hugging you and ruffling your hair. “Welcome home, Y/N” he said. “Oh Yoongi, I missed you. Sorry about-“ he didn’t let you finish. “Let’s forget about it. It’s done. We’ll start anew!” He pulled you in and you settled beside Namjoon as they set up their table for after party. “Oh shit, we have VLive schedule! We promised ARMY!” reminded Jin. “Oh okay, no worries. I’ll leave you guys alone. Will just roam around Namjoon’s room” you said goodbye to them and settle in his room, opening your Vlive as if you’re not in the same house with them. When they started the live feed, you noticed your bag near Namjoon. “Shit!!! ARMY eyes!” you immediately texted him informing about the bag. He stood up and clumsily took your bag away. Comments came rushing on VLive asking about the bag and Jin trying to find a perfect excuse. “I am fond of bags” Hoseok saved him. “You want to see what’s inside my bag? Maybe I’ll do that on the next VLive.” He added. Namjoon came running inside, giving you your bag. “I’m sorry” you lowered your gaze. “Hey, it’s all good, Baby. Just an excuse to kiss you, I’ve been dying to kiss you!” He kissed you passionately until you hear the boys shouting for Namjoon. He immediately ran out, hair dishevelled and Taehyung almost choke laughing. “Hyung, your hair. A mess! You must’ve-” the boys cut him out and he realized he almost spilled the tea. They all laughed and being silly talking about everything they love about ARMY, the concert, and how excited they are for the upcoming world tour. They promised to go on live during their breaks and will go home as soon as it’s over. “We know you will be waiting for us, we will come back as soon as possible!” Namjoon promised. “In an instant, yeah hyung?” teased Taehyung once more, sending Namjoon blushing, and his eyes nowhere to be found. “Gosh, these guys” you laughed.

After the VLive ended, you went out and joined them to their after-party. He couldn’t take his hands off of you, drawing circles on your lower back. They are already getting drunk- Hoseok turning into tomato red, Seokjin louder than ever, Yoongi being savage but turns out he is really funny, Jimin can’t barely open his eyes from too much laughing, Jungkook dozing off, Taehyung started to sing every song on their new album, and your man whispering how excited he is to be finally introducing you to his family. You almost choke at his plan. Meeting his family is a big deal especially in their culture. You can’t just bring someone without being sure of your future with her. “You’re probably just drunk. Come on, let’s go!” you tried to pull him up but his stronger. He pulled you on his lap and start kissing you. “So this is what were witnessing every day?” Taehyung remarked. “Hmm mmm” Namjoon replied, mouth still exploring yours. “AISSHHH! Get a room!” Yoongi shouted. “That’s hot!” remarked Hoseok. “Oh my god! Stop! I’m getting turned on!” joked Jimin. You laughed and tried to push Namjoon away but he deepened the kiss. “Show off! Just clean up after your mess. Not a single drop in the our common area!” Seokjin exclaimed. “Baby-stop” you managed to finally free yourself from Namjoon. He laughed and you can now clearly see the expressions of the members. They have their phone on both of you, probably taking photos and videos for blackmailing. “Stop it, you guys!” you said embarrassed. You covered your face and they all laughed. “We’re just happy you are finally here, Y/N. Really. Namjoon’s glowing again. And he’s writing tracks more than ever” Hoseok commented. “I’m never leaving. I’m here to stay” you reassured them. “You’re gonna live here? Great! But I’m serious about the rule- if you’re going to do it in all common areas, please clean up” Seokjin commented. “No! Just learn how to knock in my room and even my studio, especially you Jimin and Jungkook” Namjoon replied. They both nodded, and the night ended with more laughter and more beer.

You woke up with a very bad headache and it took you minutes to make up where you are. Too many KAWS figures, bonsai plants, paintings… “Namjoon?” you immediately called out his name but he’s nowhere to be found. You went out and the boys greeted you, the living room smells like pancake and the maknaes running around chasing after the last banana milk that Jimin is holding. “Where’s Joonie?” you asked Jin while helping him prepare the table for breakfast. “RKive I think” he replied. You went there and smile at the sight of your man. Brows furrowed, lips plumped, he’s clearly in the zone of making another track he didn’t even noticed you walked in. “Baby, do you want to have your breakfast here?” you politely asked, trying not to disturbed him. “Oh, sorry I didn’t notice you, babe. Good morning, sunshine!” he enveloped you into tight hug and kissed your forehead. “What are you up to?” you asked, noticing the emptied coffee cups on his desk. “Working on new tracks. There are so much to do, I don’t want to miss the ideas that came rushing this morning” he pulled you into his lap and wrapped your arms around your waist. “Breakfast first, please? I don’t want you get sick especially you’re going away” you pouted. “Hmm, what about dessert first?” he whispered. You furrowed your brows, not sure if you have the same meaning of dessert. “What dessert?” you innocently asked. He pointed at his groin, which you notice a big tent. “Oh, need help with that?” you replied playfully. He winked and in an instant you pulled yourself up from his lap, turned his chair around and dropped on your knees. “Fuck,” he chuckled while quickly letting his fleece shorts drop. You are still amaze by the sight of Namjoon’s huge dick despite having to ride it many times before. The years without him, you haven’t forgot this amazing view and you’d relive it a million times. But right here, right now, you can’t help but be thankful of following your heart rather than living in what if’s. “Are you just gonna stare at it?” he chuckled. “You’re a god.” You managed to reply before slowly running your tongue along his shaft. You could hear his deep moans. He grabbed your hair to have better view of how you beautifully you suck his dick. You take it all in, tasting his sweet-salty precum. You circled you tongue on his tip, gently running from side to side, trying your best to please your man. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re so fucking hot!” he managed to say in between his gripped teeth. Jaw clenching, and clearly trying not to go deeper to hurt you, you gathered all the courage and deep swallowed him whole until you can feel it at the back of your throat. His eyes were wide and he tightened his grip on your head “Shit baby! You’ve been a practicing?” he has a tinge of annoyance in his voice. You’re taken back to that night when you first had sex, it was still new to you. “hmm” you replied, sending the vibrations to every inch of his thick manhood. You let go for a second to catch your breath. “No, sir. It was you, only you!” And that’s the truth. No matter how intense your longing for him or any human touch, you’ve never bed a guy even after your break up. You can’t think of sucking other dicks except Namjoon’s. “Such a good girl,” he managed to reply before you started sucking him again. Namjoon’s moan is all you can ever hear in his studio and you start bobbing your head faster, determined to make him cum in your mouth. “Shit baby. I’m cumming… fuck.. Y/N ahh” he filled your mouth with his warm, heavenly juice. You looked at him and swallowed, making sure no drip on the carpet. You suck him clean! “Fuck that is so freaking hot!” he exclaimed while guiding you back to his lap. “Your turn, baby” he whispered. You bit your lips and gently shook your head. “What? Why? I want to make you feel good.” He pleaded. “Tonight, my love. You have full access” you teased and bit his earlobe. He groaned and laughed, pulling you closer to him.

You went out after Jin keeps on knocking, telling the food is getting cold. They were all shocked and started laughing when you emerge. “What the hell are you laughing at?” Namjoon answered. “You realized your door was not closed yeah?” Hoseok exclaimed, chuckling. You buried your self in Namjoon’s back in embarrassment, prayed that a UFO is real and that they’ll suck you up any second now. “Shit sorry” chuckled Namjoon. “Pft, it’s alright. It’s not like Hoseok has been silent during sex, too” Taehyung respond. “Hoseok?” you looked at his innocent smile. “Shut up, Taehyung. It was a one-night stand!” he yelled back laughing. You shake your head over their mischievousness, somewhat it comforts you. They are adults, indeed. And they need skin ship, too, like everyone else. Sometimes, seeing them playfully talk about adult stuff and just being their own selves inside their house makes me feel like they have another persona. Being an idol must’ve been tiring, especially they started too young, and society has been very keen to each move they make. You settled down and joined them for breakfast, thinking about how lucky you are to be spending these days with them.

World tour preparation was tiring, even for you. You decided to go home that night but Namjoon asked you to come back. “I really wanted to make up to you, spend the days here before we go for the tour. Please, baby?” he whispered with his cute little puppy eyes. You can’t help but say yes to his cuteness. He giggled like a playful kid before calling the security to drive you up in your apartment and pick few clothes and stuff. On your way back, you decided to buy the boys some ice cream cake and banana milk. It’s a small gesture as a thank you gift for welcoming you again in their home and being so supportive of you and Namjoon. Jimin yelp in joy when he saw the ice cream cake, and Jungkook immediately take the banana milk, carefully labelling each for the members. Jin continues to impress you with his cooking skills, making you feel embarrass for not cooking deliciously as he does. “Aish, Y/N! You will learn through the years. Even if you and Namjoon get married, you will still be with us so I can teach you all the cooking skills!” he said proudly. You blushed at the thought of you and Namjoon and marriage, but it’s too early to tell. You’re still starting over, testing waters,, though you are quite sure you can see him in your future. You noticed him missing again, while the guys are gathered up for a movie marathon. And then suddenly, Vlive notified you that BTS is live. You opened the notification and you see him showing off his new collections in his studio. You smiled proudly as he talks about the future plans of BTS and the new tracks he’s working on. Somewhere though, in the middle of his VLive he showed a pair of baby shoes. He said it’s for his collection, accessory of some sort. The tiny brown baby shoes! “Wooopppss, someone’s planning for the future.” Laughed Taehyung. “Oh my, you’re pregnant Y/N????” asked Jimin. “NO! no no no no no! Oh my god no!” you said blushing. “You can tell us. Are we going to be fathers?” insisted Hoseok. “No….I don’t know. No!” you said laughing. It is impossible, you haven’t had sex yet. But of course, you can’t say that to them, a little privacy is precious especially living with them. You immediately sent him a message:

You: Kim Namjoon, are you out of your fucking mind? The boys are grilling me now asking if THEY ARE GOING TO BE FATHERS?! WTH does that even mean?

You saw him on Vlive reading something and he laughed. You are not sure if he’s reading vlive comments or he’s reading your message. Either way, you have forgiven him for such silliness, especially seeing him how he brightens up when he showed the baby shoes. One day, someday, Joonie you promised yourself. When the VLive ended, you stared at him trying to look mad. He laughed and scooped you from your sit, twirling you around before sitting and putting you on his lap. You saw Taehyung grinning as if thinking of mischievous things. “So, baby shoes huh?” he started. “Taehyung, stop. I am not pregnant” you laughed. “Well, not for now.” He replied making you shake your head. “When that time comes, we will let you know, Tae” Namjoon reassured, “But for now, Y/N are going to bed. Might as well you guys too. Long day ahead tomorrow. Meeting with Bang PDnim and the tour team.” He added. The guys all had mischievous smiles as they say their goodnights to you.

“Urgh today’s tiring, and I missed you!” he whined. “I was just out to get my stuff, you missed me already? What will happen to you when you’re in tour?” you asked. “Come with me?” His question came as a surprise. “Baby you know I can’t do that. People will start to wonder.”

“But what if Bighit hires you?” he insisted. “As what? Translator? You already know English. You’ve been doing it since then.” You laughed at the idea of being their translator. “No, no, baby. You’re needed. I’ll talk to Bang and-“you didn’t let him finish. You put one finger on his mouth to make him drop the topic. “Baby, I’m okay with my work now. And if you ask Bang PDnim, he might refuse. Code of conduct, all the policies..you know.” You sighed. “But you’re my girlfriend before they hire you, so technically we didn’t breach employee policies?” His being a smart-ass on this one, he has a point though. “I would love to stay by your side all the time, but it will look like a huge favour and special treatment especially I am your girlfriend” you insisted. “Just please try?” he kissed your forehead. He’s not going to drop this of until you sighed and nodded. He smiled sweetly and kissed you. It was a sweet, passionate kiss at first but the moment you hold unto his neck, you can feel the heat throughout your body. It’s been too long, way too long, that you’ve been wanting to feel him. You cannot hold on any longer so you deepened the kiss. You heard him let out a moan, a cue that he wants what you want as well. Tongues teasing, lip-biting. His hands roamed around your body, tightened his grip on your waist and gently laid you on the bed. “Lock the door!” you reminded him. He jumped as quickly, almost tripping which made you giggle at his clumsiness, and in less than 5 seconds he’s back on top of you. “Oh finally! All mine!” he whispered, almost ripping his shirt as he struggled to get off. You can feel your core getting hot, with every kiss and touch. He bites your lips teasingly, making you moan. You deepened the kiss getting as aggressive as he is. He found your sweet spot on your neck, sucking and biting, leaving marks as he goes down to the curves of your breast. He removes your dress in one swift motion, leaving you in your lace bra and panties. His gaze turning dark as he roams his eyes through your breast down to your core. “So fucking gorgeous! And all mine!” he whispered as he licks your cleavage making you tighten your grip on his hair. “and fucking taste good, too" he added. You prepared for this night, wearing a front-lock red brassiere that screams fuck me daddy. “Strip for me", he commanded. “Hmm, all bossy are we?” you teased. “Do it or you’re not gonna have any of this" he grinned while removing his boxers. His dick hard, reddish, and ready. You bit your lips and stood up. “Don’t make a move, don’t dare touch yourself “ you commanded. Two can play this game, you thought. He grinned and positioned himself on the bed frame. You slowly pull one strap, so slow he groaned. You are basically eye-fucking him, if there’s even a thing. To his surprise, you started slow dancing as you unlock your bra. Throwing it in front of him. You can hear him groaning and trying hard not to touch himself with your own little show. “Fuck, baby. I can’t wait to slide my cock on that” he growled. “hmmm I’d love that. Can’t wait to feel the friction here…” you touched your nipples and slowly caress your breast. You glide your hands on your stomach, “and here, too. Your hot mouth sucking, biting…” You slowly, soooo slowly, shake your hips to get out of your lace underwear, “your tongue, fingers, and your hard cock here" you were about to touch your self but he grabbed you, spinning you around, dropping you on the mattress. You moaned by his aggressiveness and eagerness. “Oh Baby, can’t wait to fuck you hard, you’ll be sore for days!” he whispered as he playfully bite your nipple. “oh shit, Joon!” you moaned. You can feel your core dripping. You needed some friction. You started grinding getting ready to take whatever Namjoon’s going to offer. “Look at you so needy" he suck your breast so hard you know it’ll leave marks and bruises the next day. You tried pulling him, scratching his porcelain skin. “Baby, pleasssee" you beg. “Say it. What do you want, Princess?” he grinned. “touch me! Fuck Namjoon. Or…or thighs! Friction. Now!” you

almost scream. He chuckled and pulled you, making you sit on one of his thigh. “You asked for thigh. Thigh is all you get" You take it, whatever that could satisfy your longing. You grind, not minding the mess and juice scattered on his precious well-tone thigh. “fuck, I can feel your wetness! You’re wild!” he chuckled. “shut up, suck me" you guided his head on your neck. You want him to leave marks all over your body, a mark that signs you’re his and he’s yours. And he did. You moaned by the intensity of each bite, but it’s not enough. “fuck me, baby. Hard" You’re almost begging. “thought you’d never ask" he replied.

He guides you and you slowly sink into his long, thick, hot rod. Your wetness helping you both settle, adjusting to each other. “shit your tight. And wet..god Y/N” he moaned. With each grunt and moan and sucking he does, it gives you more courage to be rough at him, too. You started circling your hips, and he let’s you do as you please. He tightens his grips into your waist and pumps you until you both find your rhythm. “baby, I'm cumming" you bite his shoulder to muffle your own moan. “Go ahead, baby. Cum for me. You’re a hot mess and fuck I love you so much!” he continued going deeper and deeper until you reach your high. “Turn around, hold here" he guides your hands to the bed frame and lifts your butt, slapping it before sinking in real deep. “fuck Namjoon!” you yelped with the sudden sting, but it feels you nice you have to ask again. He circled his hips, hard and deep, one hand on your waist and the other in your boob. Too much sensation, overwhelming and with every thrust you can hear the bed frame creaking. You had to try not to scream with each thrust, so you suck on Namjoon's finger instead, biting it at the process but he didn’t care. He’s too focus riding you and making sure you hear his praises about you and moaning your name. “baby, where do you---" you didn’t let him finish his question, you tightened your walls around him making him moan louder “inside!” you replied. You reach your high at the same time, moaning each other’s name. He gently pressed and massage your navel as you come to stop, making you feel good as you both calm down. “Wow baby!” he chuckled as you both collapse to the bed. He flips you over and kissed your forehead, then your lips. As sweetly, passionately, and heavenly. “I love you, Y/N” he whispered on your lips. “I love you, my Namjoon" you replied, making him blush.

“I missed fucking you that hard,” he chuckled, as you both catch your breaths. “We have all the time, baby!” you responded, enveloped in his arms. “But… how are we going to explain the ripped sheets?” you added. “We might need to stock up linens here from now on,” he replied.

After cleaning up, he went out to look for fresh linens. Luckily, the guys are all asleep now, more like you prayed they’re really asleep now, realizing how hard and loud he made you cum. “Baby, please consider joining us in our tour? Even just this leg? I can’t bear a day without you..not again?” he whispered when you’re both settling to sleep. “I promise. I’ll take a vacation leave and if it’s approved, I’ll come. Don’t get your hopes up just yet. I’m not going to drop my work; I’ll just try being your translator for this leg.” He made a cute face, the one that his dimples are showing, eyes closed, and then getting shy right after. Your heart melts every time he does that and wonder how lucky you are to have him in your life. Yes, you are never going to let go. Not anymore. He deserves the world, he deserves someone who he can share the real Namjoon with, someone who will be his shoulder through ups and downs. Someone who can accept all the flaws and cons of dating someone like him. You are ready to fight for him, against all odds. You are ready to give your life to Kim Namjoon.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Author's note: Planned to end it here but I guess I'll be making Part Three soon 😂🤷‍♀️

#kim namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon imagine #RM #BTS #Namjoon #bts imagine #bts smut #bts ff #bts fanfic #thirsty fic #bts rm

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onechicago-upsteadrhekker · 4 years

Note

Either 90 or 84 would be perfect for Upstead from that 100 prompts list you reblogged! (:

Hi everyone!

Here’s another prompt! @karihighman also requested #84 and if you’d like to read it, you can click on this. And like I promised, this one is much lighter than that one. So enjoy and let me know what you think! I also got a little carried away and the beginning is kind of random so sorry about that but I hope you like it anyway! #90 is “I brought food.”

*title is taken from a Sleeping at Last song entitled ‘Life’*

my heart reconciled all the darkness and light inside my chest

When Hailey was a little girl she’d never really thought about her future.

She was never one of those girls who played dress up or played with dolls or imagined their wedding day and pretended they were playing house. Maybe that was because she had only older brothers or maybe it was because of her father’s behavior towards her mom.

The only thing she’d known for certain was that she wasn’t going to grow up to be her mother.

She’d known that from an early age. She recognized her mom’s loyalty to her dad; that her mom would never run or go to the police. That her dad abusing her mom was not okay and her mom shouldn’t stand for it or protect him or justify his behavior.

Hailey had promised herself that she would never make the same mistake.

The only things Hailey knew for sure was that she wouldn’t be with someone like her dad, ever. No matter how hard it was. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t trust so blindly and get sucked into a man who didn’t care about her.

She would be brave and take care of herself first and foremost.

When Hailey got older; old enough to leave the situation that was her mom and dad she knew exactly how she was going to protect herself. And it had come from one Trudy Platt who worked Robbery-Homicide when she was 12 and a gun was shoved in her face.

Watching Trudy Platt be a cop was all she needed to see to make up her mind that that was what she wanted to do as soon as she was old enough. In that one night, she’d felt more at home and at peace in a police station than she ever had before. Even with her brothers who at that point had all pretty much left home.

Hailey had always been a driven person; she’d finished high school at the age of 17, already having a few college credits under her belt. She was accepted into University of Chicago, paid in full through scholarships and a lot of hard work on her part and completed a degree in Criminal Justice all at the age of 22. And then she went straight to the Academy and was well on her way to a successful police career.

That had been her plan. Anything after that, like a personal life or friends or guys, well, that had never been in her plans and it only happened because they had been there and she supposed it was nice as long as it didn’t interfere with her success.

There had been many bumps in the road and a lot of heartbreak she hadn’t been anticipating but she knew how the world worked so really, she shouldn’t have been surprised. But she’d picked herself back up again and went on with her life, continuing to build her life into successful one. One that her parents should have been proud of if she’d told them but she had decided to keep her past life in the past and she preferred it that way.

And then she landed a spot in Intelligence and then there was Jay Halstead.

A brooding pain in her ass at first but then she’d finally started to get him to open up and she realized what a caring and compassionate person he was under his tough exterior and as fate would have it, she fell in love with him.

It hadn’t been planned, just like everything else but Jay was different. He was special and for the first time she began imagining a future. One with a house and a husband and maybe even children.

Someone that loved her and protected her and took care of her and that someone just happened to be in the form of the best partner she’d ever had, both at work and in life.

So, if someone had told Hailey all those years ago when she was a scared little girl listening to her parents scream and throw things that one day she would have an incredibly successful career which she loved and a man who loved her more than life itself, she probably would have laughed.

Her head was killing her and all she wanted was some massive pain killers and her own bed in her own home but she knew that wasn’t going to happen. At least not right at this moment and it was all thanks to her freakishly stubborn partner.

And his dumb brother.

She heard Will slip into her hospital room, his shoes squeaking on the tile floor as he made his way over to her bed. His footfalls sounded like grenades going off and the squeaking wasn’t doing anything to help her still ringing ears.

She groaned, waving the arm that wasn’t currently draped over her eyes to try and convey to Will that she needed more meds ASAP without actually having to use her brain to make words.

“Head still killing you?”

God, why was he talking so loud? She moved her arm a tiny bit to peek up at him through bleary eyes, the dimmed lights still harsh against her weak glare.

His face appeared above her, the red-hair hard to miss even if she was squinting but then he had the audacity to smirk at her and she tried to glare harder but her head freaking hurt.

“Yep, that’s what I thought. I’ll up your dose of pain medication. It’s hospital-grade you know, you wouldn’t have been able to have it if you’d went home.”

She wanted to roll her eyes or give him the finger or something but everything hurt and it wasn’t worth giving him the satisfaction. Honestly, he was almost as bad as Jay except he found more humor out of the situation whereas Jay just worried her to death.

She was starting to gather how much stuff like this affected him. This was the first time she’d been really hurt since joining Intelligence and she knew Jay could be over-protective but he acted like she was dying. She was grateful that he was forced to go home and get himself cleaned up. Up until an hour ago, he had still reeked of smoke and ash, still wearing his dirty clothes and vest because he hadn’t left her side.

She knew that was partly due to the fact she’d been desperate to escape the hospital and hole herself away in her house but seeing as how she had a major concussion along with other scrapes and bruises, she wasn’t going anywhere for at least the night no matter how much she insisted she was fine.

“Feeling any better?” Will’s voice interrupted her thoughts and now that he’d asked, she realized the pounding in her head had been lessened and she couldn’t see the blinding light behind her eyelids anymore.

She took an experimental blink, slowly removing her hand that she’d had clasped over her eyes. The light still seemed a bit harsh but she could tolerate it without pain shooting through her head.

Hailey glanced over to Will who actually had a sympathetic look on his face instead of the smirk he’d worn a few minutes ago, “Yes. Thank you.”

He smiled, “Anytime Hailey. Just don’t go getting blown up any more because I think my brother just might have a stroke,” Will’s eyes softened, “I think you’ve grown on him.”

She smiled fondly at that, “Well, he’s grown on me too and believe you me, I do not have any intentions on getting that close to a homemade bomb again.”

Will patted her arm lightly, making a move to leave the room, “I’ll hold you to it,” He winked, flashing a grin she’d seen Jay grin on rare occasions, “But seriously, you’ve grown on all of us. I’d hate to see anything happen to you.”

Hailey smiled back at him, “Thanks Will.”

“Well, I’ll leave you in some peace and quiet before Jay shows back up, ready to answer your every beck and call.”

She sighed, letting her head roll so she was staring straight at the ceiling before closing her eyes to savor the silence that she was actually starting to hear. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was just getting used to the ringing in her ears or if it was actually fading.

Not that she’d ever show it, but today had been a little too close for comfort. She and Jay had answered a call over the zone. Dispatch had just said there were reports of shots fired, coming from inside a house a few blocks away so they’d gone over there to check things out. They had cleared the house, not finding anyone or anything suspicious so they’d gone back outside and Jay had walked over to speak to neighbor out walking his dog. That’s when Hailey noticed the shed in the back and decided to go have a quick look when everything blew up and she was thrown backwards.

The next few minutes had been hazy. All she could recall was Jay frantically radioing for back up; calling for an ambo and asking for dispatch to roll the bomb squad. And then he was saying her name frantically, telling her to stay awake, to open her eyes but all she could focus on was the pain bombarding her head and the terrible ringing in her ears. She couldn’t even tell if she was hurt anywhere else.

Once she’d gotten situated in the ED and felt like she could talk without throwing up, she’d asked if she could go home and that had really set Jay off. To be honest she hadn’t really payed attention to what he was saying because she really hadn’t felt good but she knew it was along the lines of ‘no way’.

And she knew how lucky she was to come away with only a concussion a few minor burns so she supposed his concern was justified but still. But whatever, she felt like 100 times better since then so she guessed it was a good thing she’d been forced to stay.

There was a soft knock on the door and Jay slipped in, his face full of relief when he saw her awake and somewhat coherent. He lifted up a bag of to-go from her favorite Chinese place, “I brought food.”

She smiled at him as he walked over to sit in the chair beside her bed, “Thanks.”

He sat the bag on the nightstand, his eyes never leaving her face, “How are you feeling? Are you okay?”

Hailey resisted from rolling her eyes as she didn’t want to worsen her headache, “I’m fine, Jay. You can stop worrying. You don’t need too. You don’t even need to be here.”

His eyebrows furrowed, “Of course I need to be here. Where else would I be? You’re my partner.”

Jay rubbed his hands against his jeans, “You’ve been there for me more times than I can already count and it’s time for me to be here for you. Make sure you’re okay. That’s my job.”

Hailey regarded him for minute. She had been through enough with him to know that he was more affected from what happened today and it wasn’t just because she’d gotten hurt.

“Jay, you know this wasn’t your fault, right?” He met his eyes and she could see his hesitation before he nodded. She wasn’t totally convinced but she wasn’t going to push the issue, at least not at the moment.

She caught his eyes with her gaze and she knew there was more than he wanted to let on but Hailey had always been very perceptive, especially where Jay was involved because he was her partner too and she had a job too.

Besides, she cared about him. They’d already been through enough to know that there was a quiet affection between them.

“This is about the actual bomb, isn’t it?” The way his eyes flicked to hers in slight surprise told her all she needed to know, “Brought back memories?”

At his sharp nod, she sighed, “You know you can talk to me about it. Anything at all. I’m here to listen.”

He gave her a feeble smile, “Thanks, I really do appreciate it Hailey, it’s just seeing you there, hurt.” He took a breath and looked away, “It just reminded me of my times overseas and I wondered if I was about loose another friend to an explosive.”

“I’m okay Jay. I promise. I’m right here,” She wasn’t sure what else to say. She couldn’t imagine what he’d seen and gone through in Afghanistan but she wanted him to know that she was there for him, no matter what.

It took him a few seconds but he nodded, “I know.”

“And you’re still going to therapy, right?” She prompted even though she knew full well he was because she was monitoring his status by periodically checking in with him.

He smiled at her then, a little shy, “Yeah, I am.” They held each others gazes for a second before he cleared his throat, shaking his head in slight exasperation, “What am I doing? Why are we talking about me when it’s you in a hospital bed?”

She laughed lightly. Yes, her head was still pounding and her whole body hurt but she’d wanted to make sure Jay was alright.

Her eyes were soft, “I’m just watching your back, Jay. You’re my partner and,” She gave him a small smile, “You’re my friend.”

Jay was quiet for a moment before reaching a hand out to squeeze hers, “Right back at you and now it’s time for me to take care of you.” He pulled out some Lo Mein, winking at her as he handed the container to her, “So food. Couldn’t let my best partner eat the crappy cafeteria food.”

She wasn’t sure if he’d even realized what he’d said or if he even meant to say it and she wasn’t going to bring it up but her heart swelled at hearing that he thought she was his best partner because that’s how she felt too. They were good together and they had this pull, something between them that she’d never felt before and she knew he felt it too.

He sat for a long time, well into the night, even after she’d fallen asleep. They’d kept the discussion to a minimum because of her head but she couldn’t help but quietly laugh when Jay had regaled her with some stories of Intelligence before she’d joined while they ate.

The rest of the evening was spent in a comfortable silence as she listened to Jay breathe where he sat in the chair beside her bed going over reports and it was the first time that she truly felt like she’d have Jay Halstead in her life for a long time in some capacity.

And that thought made her very content.

Hailey was extremely content. She couldn’t begin to describe how happy and fulfilled she felt and she never wanted this moment to end.

She heard the hospital door open softly and Jay appeared wearing a bears hoodie and sweatpants, a small duffel bag thrown over his shoulder.

“I brought food,” His voice was soft as he held up the bag of Chinese in his hand. Dropping the duffel, he approached the bed, pressing a kiss to Hailey’s forehead as he put the to-go bag on the nightstand.

Hailey smiled at him lazily, the warm weight on her chest calming as she took in a deep breath. She hummed quietly, “Thank you.”

She nodded to the bag of food, “You know, I was just thinking about that time I got hurt. The first time I had to stay overnight in the hospital since joining Intelligence because of that bomb,” She suppressed a smile, “You brought me Chinese then too.”

“A lot has changed between now and then and for once we aren’t in the hospital because of an injury,” He nodded to the baby curled up on Hailey’s bare chest, her left hand patting the newborn’s back giving Jay a good look at her wedding and engagement rings.

She grinned, planting a gentle kiss to the baby’s head, reaching out for Jay’s hand. He squeezed it, settling down on the edge of her bed as they both gazed at the sleeping baby.

“She’s so beautiful,” Jay reached out to stroke her tiny back, his thumb brushing the baby’s exposed neck. He’d never felt skin so soft. He looked at Hailey, love and awe and pride shining in his eyes, “Just like her mother.”

Jay stood up, Hailey’s gaze following him. He leaned over to kiss her on the lips, deep and passionate, drawing away when they ran out of breath.

Hailey’s opened her eyes, raising her brows as her lips ticked up into a pleasantly surprised smile, “What was that for?”

Jay gave her another quick kiss, pushing her hair lovingly behind her ear. He gazed into her eyes, his own lips ticking up into a happy grin, “Just showing my appreciation to my hot, bad ass wife who just gave birth to our daughter.”

Hailey rolled her eyes, smirking as she adjusted the blanket covering her and the infant, “If you keep talking like that we might just have another one of these sooner than expected.”

Jay looked a little concerned at that, eyeing the baby carefully, “Yeah, maybe I should figure out how to take care of this one first.”

Hailey sighed in exasperation, “Jay, we talked about this. You’re gonna be a great father,” She gave him a fond look, “You already are.”

He still didn’t look to convinced and Hailey was amazed at how he could go from being so confident and flirty to being unsure about himself but they’d had conversations about this leading up to the baby’s birth so she wasn’t too surprised. She knew she would just have to convince him otherwise because she knew he was going to be a great dad. She’d seen how he acted around kids, how good he was with them when they worked with children in their jobs.

She wouldn’t have had kids with him if she wasn’t sure. Or even fell in love with him. It was his qualities, the ones she fell in love with, that would make him such a great father.

Jay took a breath, rubbing the back of his neck before dropping his arm, “Well, I’m going to do my absolute best, I promise you that,” He got serious again, looking into her eyes, “I’m gonna do everything in my power to keep both of you safe and happy for as long as I live and I’ll always be here for you and Ellie. I love you so much.”

Hailey cupped his cheek, stroking her thumb across his cheekbone, “I know. I love you too.” She reached up to give him another quick kiss before drawing back to maneuver the baby sprawled out on her chest.

“Hey,” She glanced at Jay before turning her attention back to the baby, “Could you go get that swaddle in the bag I packed for Ellie?”

Ellie started fussing as Hailey withdrew her from the warm cocoon of her mother’s chest and soft blankets to lay her on the brown swaddle Jay was laying out on the bed in front of her.

“I know, I know, sweet girl,” Hailey soothed as she quickly wrapped the baby up, placing her on her shoulder to calm her down some, patting her back gently, “Shhh, I’ve got you. Mama’s got you.”

When the baby calmed down, she peeked a glance at Jay who looked a little terrified and she had to smother a laugh. Of course, it was a baby that would be Jay Halstead’s biggest fear. A man who was a Chicago police officer and a war vet.

Hailey gave him a look and he swallowed, starting to look more confident as the baby quieted down. He took a breath and moved closer to the bed, “I can hold her while you eat if you want.”

Hailey suppressed a grin. That a boy.

“Yeah, that would be helpful,” She lifted the baby from her shoulder, one hand supporting her neck and the other her bottom and Jay’s hands very carefully replaced hers.

Hailey leaned back, adjusting her own clothes to cover her chest a little more while she watched Jay with loving smile, her heart bursting with love at the two of them.

He settled the baby in the crook of his arm, cradling her close to his chest and over his heart. He was murmuring something to the newborn, bouncing some as he walked slowly towards the large window, looking down to the busy Chicago streets below.

Hailey watched as Jay’s shoulders slowly relaxed and she knew he was getting lost in the wonder of their daughter’s little face just as she had, forgetting all about his fears of being a father. Tears pricked her eyes as he bent his head to brush a kiss on top of her head.

She could watch them for forever and never get tired.

So, yeah. She’d never thought about a future till she met Jay Halstead but here she was. Sitting in a hospital bed, sore and exhausted from giving birth but so filled with joy, the best future she could ever imagine--never imagined--standing right in front of her.

The End!!

It got a little long and drawn out so I apologize for that. When I started on this prompt I had this vague idea of Hailey in the hospital and Jay bringing her some food and this what it turned into, so go figure... I had like two stories going on with an epic intro that I have no idea where it came from. I hope you enjoyed it regardless and I did want to say that I do have longer stories planned about life events such as the birth of a child and such for upstead and I will be uploading them on AO3 sometime in the future whenever I get said stories written. I just have to do certain stories first because I like revealing names in a special way... I know it sounds stupid but usually when I love a ship, I make up their kids names with like serious thought and I have had upstead kid names for quite a while now. And I also like to pretend all my stories are in the same universe if you will so I like things kind of being chronological if that makes since HOWEVER, I decided that Dancing in the Minefields is kind of an AU situation because I had a plan with upstead’s first kid and the way I’m writing Dancing in the Minefields wouldn’t be the way Jay finds out about said kid. Okay, I know I’m probably making no sense and no one probably cares that much but I can assure you I will explain how each story fits into my ‘Universe’ when I publish them even though no one probably really cares except me.

Anyway, sorry for that super long author’s note and the repetitiveness of it but I am finally feeling better and in the mood to write some upstead fics and hopefully finish the one-shots I’ve been working on, finish a couple of chapters on Dancing in the Minefields so I can publish a new chapter for you guys this Wednesday as well as keep working on the prompts I have received!

Thank you so much for reading this prompt and I would love to hear what you thought about it!!

#Chicago PD #jay halstead #hailey upton #jay halstead x hailey upton #upstead #upstead fic #prompt

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mcusoulmateau · 4 years

Text

Jane Foster, the Consultant

(If this looks a bit familiar, it’s because a version of this has been put on AO3. But I’m reworking it, taking Jane in new, more canon-divergent directions.)

It could be worse, Jane tells herself. There are whispers that one girl in her grade has a mark in hieroglyphics. Some people say that Brittany and James only broke up because James’s mark came in with a boy’s name. And everyone knows that Coach Fowler has no mark and is bitter about it.

Still. “Thor” is pretty bad, and it’s not even in English. She spends a whole day in the library just trying to decode the not-English-alphabet language on her arm before she knows for sure what the name even is.

Jane’s best friend suggests that she travel to Scandinavia for a better chance at finding a Thor. Jane shrugs the suggestion off and keeps dating her not-Thor boyfriend, a sweet boy called Brandon.

But Jane Foster is not one of the brightest minds of her age because she can forget about an idea. The same obsession that drives her to excel at astrophysics also compels her to learn everything she can about her would-be soulmate. The only Thor she has even heard of is a pagan god, so that’s where she starts.

She is by no means religious, but these stories give her a feeling of home that she has never found outside of research. Just like writing papers and entering centuries-long academic discourse, myths give her a community and a sense that some knowledge belongs uniquely to her. On Thursdays, she feels something that might be her soul. If Thor is Jane’s and Thursday is Thor’s day, then it follows that it is also Jane’s day.

The romantic in her wins out, and Jane studies abroad in her junior year of college. She bounces across Europe, meeting a handful of Thors but never hers. One is the young son of an archeology professor, a little boy whose mother convinces her to tough out the double major and to keep studying the ancient Norse. Jane babysits little Thor and loses herself in his mother’s library after he falls asleep. Another Thor is an old man who bartends at a pub she frequents, and he tells her about the myths so precious the Nazis invaded to dig them up.

That catches Jane’s attention, and before she knows it, she’s submitting her thesis proposal about the Nazi incursion in a tiny town in Norway.

Uncovering the Mystery of Tønsberg:

Norse Mythology, HYDRA, and the Impossible Advancements of the Nazi Science Division

It’s a wild thing, she knows, not like her neat lab experiments. This is photographs of Johann Schmidt’s personal belongings, taped interviews with Dr. Armin Zola before his death, centuries-old poetry and stories about Odin and his treasures, interviews and diaries from the Tønsberg survivors, photographs and reports from battlefields all over Europe, even an interview she manages to score with Strategic Scientific Reserve officer Margaret “Peggy” Carter. Peggy is not a scientist, but she is an eye witness who affirms many of Jane’s theories. She’s also frustratingly coy.

Still. By the end of it, Jane Foster is so close to reverse-engineering HYDRA’s weapons that it hurts. There’s something, this nameless treasure that holds the secret to Schmidt’s science and Norse mythology, something that gave Schmidt incredible power and that the people of Tønsberg tried desperately to protect. And Jane knows in her bones that Thor is involved. She calls this mysterious MacGuffin “the Cosmic Cube,” even though she’s only 70% sure that it’s even cubic.

In front of a panel of professors and TAs, she begins.

“I did not think it would be possible to write a single thesis that unites my two majors of Physics and Germanic Mythology, the latter of which is a custom program designed for me. Yet, while studying abroad in Norway, I visited several archeological sites with mythological significance, where I discovered the ruin brought on by Nazi Germany. Though the accounts of what Johann Schmidt did to the Norwegians are horrific, it was the stories about Schmidt’s exploits after leaving Norway that caught my attention. Survivors, Allied and Axis alike, all tell of physics-defying weapons wielded by Schmidt and his men. I believe that Schmidt found something in Tønsberg, Norway, something of mythological significance, that gave him and the Nazis a technological edge on the Allies.

“By all accounts, Johann Schmidt, the head of the Nazi Science Division, HYDRA, was obsessed with Norse paganism and mythology. . . .”

When she is done with her speech and accompanying slide projections, most of her professors look impressed. Not convinced, but impressed. They thank her and send her on her way when she is confronted by a woman in a suit.

“Jane Foster,” she says. “My name is Dr. Weaver, of S.H.I.E.L.D., and I’d like to offer you a job.”

She says she can fast-track her for a PhD, get her a spot in her organization’s elite Academy of Science and Technology, maybe give her a chance to study things like the Cosmic Cube. But something about it doesn’t feel right, the fact that she’s never even heard of this organization. And if they know about the Cube, why didn’t she find anything about it when she was researching? And why does Jane get the feeling that if she accepts, she’ll be signing away her freedom?

They compromise, and Jane Foster becomes a consultant of S.H.I.E.L.D. Years pass, and they never call her, and she starts to forget about the shadowy organization. They have better astrophysicists they can call, better experts in Norse myth—why would they bother with a PhD candidate like her? She has better things to think about, like tracking meteorological anomalies and theorizing about interstellar travel.

And then New Mexico happens.

Jane and her intern, who is also her only friend, are chasing an atmospheric disturbance when a man falls out of the sky. A man who looks like all the drawings and paintings from her mythology studies. A man who wields a hammer. A man whose name matches the name on her wrist.

When Thor finally acts reasonable (though if she had traveled lightyears via an Einstein-Rosin Bridge, got hit by a van, tazed, and sedated, she doubts she’d be reasonable), Jane tells him she believes him.

“I know who you are,” she says, “but I don’t know how you are who you are.”

“You’ve heard the tales of me, then?” he asks with that cocky smile.

“Tales? More like myths. Maybe humans believed them, once, but not anymore.”

“But you do.”

“I didn’t until a few hours ago. And it’s only because—” She stops herself, heart pounding. “I don’t want to presume anything. Do your species even have soulmarks? But…” It’s easier if she shows him.

Jane uncovers her wrist and holds it out for Thor to see.

“I am sorry,” he says. “Mine is not a match.”

Her heart plummets. “Can I see? How do I know I can believe you?”

He smiles sadly. “You may. But I would not lie to you, Jane. I do care for you.”

“I do care for you” is hardly the passionate speech Jane has dreamed of hearing from her soulmate. Yet, it is a balm to the wound in her chest, an assurance that things may yet work out.

Thor removes the alien covering from his wrist. On it, in the same alphabet as her own mark, is the name “Loki.”

“Him? Isn’t he—he’s your brother!”

“I do not know why fate gave me his name and not yours, or any other. But my destiny is entwined with his, for good or ill. It would not do to enmesh you in our affairs.”

“But—but you care for me,” she stutters.

“Yes.” He seems to hope she will be satisfied with that answer alone, but when she is not, he continues. “I care for you, Jane Foster, which is why I cannot bring you to Asgard. Only a true match may rule, and I cannot abdicate the throne. You would be in far more danger there—from him, from a thousand others—than you would on Midgard. ”

He’s handsome and kind and dreamy and noble and fascinating and everything she could want in a soulmate. But he’s also an alien and decidedly not a match for her. When Thor leaves Earth, Jane Foster returns to academia. S.H.I.E.L.D. asks for her help with studying the Bifrost and the marks it leaves behind, and the agent who had tried to wipe her research on Thor’s arrival apologizes by giving her access to the Cosmic Cube.

But it turns out that Thor was wrong about at least one thing: Jane Foster is still very much in danger of Loki while on Midgard, especially given her proximity to the Cube.

Perhaps, in another reality, Loki would puppet a different human. Perhaps the Tesseract, the Chitauri invasion, all of it would still play out the same way. Perhaps it makes no cosmic significance that it is Jane Foster who Loki picks to be his influence on Earth.

But it matters to Jane, cosmic significance be damned. For months, she is made and unmade by a stranger, driven by whispers and whims she doesn’t understand. It’s not entirely against her will, either. She has been champing at the bit for a chance to focus exclusively on the Cube for a decade. It just takes a push from Loki for her to seize that opportunity.

It’s a little poetic, in a backwards way, that she should be puppetted by her soulmate’s soulmate. For a normal couple—a true match—one is always controlled by one’s soulmate’s soulmate (i.e. one’s self). But she, with her alien mark and her god inexplicably bound to his brother, she gets this twisted version of a soulmate. If she were herself, she’d be horrified. But the god of mischief in her brain finds it all very amusing.

Besides, there is no time for horror when there is research to be done. Working with the Cube begins to consume her, and Jane—both with and without Loki’s influence—is rather willing to be consumed.

“I understand the ancient Norwegians a lot better now,” she confesses to Dr. Selvig one night over a beer. “Putting the Cube in a church, in a place of honor, revering the ones who sent it as gods.”

“Finding religion, are you?” he asks, only partly joking.

“Maybe. The Cube is beautiful, Erik. Otherworldly. Perfect. It’s an actual four-dimensional shape, and sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge of finally comprehending it. Not just theoretically, but really getting it. If I were the type, I think I’d worship it.”

She isn’t sure how much of her right now is Jane and how much is Loki. Nevertheless, her words are true.

“Anything new to report?”

“It’s more than an energy source, that’s for sure. Maybe the energy output is the most useful attribute, at least for human civilization right now, but I’m almost positive that the thing can warp spacetime. Maybe it makes time loops, maybe it creates tiny wormholes, maybe it can manipulate the space between subatomic particles. But the readings it creates don’t get explained away by energy alone.”

“You think we could see interstellar travel with the Cube.”

“Imagine creating your own Bifrost whenever and wherever you pleased.”

“You’re getting fanciful, Jane. Lost in the Edda.”

“I have never been less lost, Erik. Johann Schmidt died on the Valkyrie with Steve Rogers. Except Rogers isn’t dead, and there’s not a single shred of Schmidt’s remains on that ship. Forensically speaking, there ought be some trace of him, even after seventy years. But there’s not! And the Cube is involved, somehow. I just have to piece this mystery together, like all the others.”

“Your poking at mysteries will be the death of you. And I’m only half charmed and endeared when I say that. The other half of me is quite concerned.”

Jane smiles, though it does not reach her eyes. “It’s not such a bad way to go.”

When she is on the cusp of sleep that night, a whisper creeps into the base of her skull, a primal thought she will only barely remember in the morning: a doorknob in the shape of an otherworldly Cube.

Days later, with the help of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent or two, the door opens.

#jane foster #thor

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s3r-en-d1p-ity · 5 years

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Ego // Sweet Pea (part 1)

first imagine for sweets <33333 did this in honor of Riverdale s4 coming out ehehehehe also this is from the pov of sCaRLEtT bc I really like that name eheheh

As a serpent, she had an ego just like all of the other members. When Scarlett Calahan’s dad died the day she turned 13, FP was quick to follow James Callahan’s (known as JC) orders and she became a serpent.

Only, Joaquin, FP and Jughead were the only ones who knew that her dad died. FP told all the Serpents that he was diagnosed with alzheimer and that he should be left alone.

Scarlett had an amazing group of friends, until that fateful day. Her, Fangs, Sweet Pea, Joaquin, and Toni were that group of friends that everyone wished they had. When JC died, she moved to the Northside, enrolled in Riverdale High for freshman year, and abandoned her group of friends. She was taken under the wing by Fred Andrews, per se FP’s request. Because her and Archie were the same age, they got along quite nicely. Archie wasn’t bothered that she came off as rude sometimes, or that she had a massive ego and was quite the pessimist. He was, however, bothered by the fact that she was a Serpent.

“I just don't understand,” Archie had shrugged one day, sitting on his bed doing homework while Scarlett sat across from him, staring at that stupid football poster on his wall. “How could you be apart of a gang that’s so... violent?” He had said it like he was disgusted. And he was. Disgusted that a girl he was so in love with was in a gang, full of drugs, murders, and thieves.

“Dad’s request, Arch. I don’t mind, though. It makes me feel like I’m in control of something.”

She continued to show up to Serpent meetings and sometimes special occasions, if necessary. She fit in nicely in the corner, observing. On rare occasions, Tall Boy noticed her and gave her a smile.

Of course, even after she moved to the Northside, Joaquin was always in contact with her. On Fridays, when he wasn’t at the Wyrm, he’d climb up to her window and she’d tell him about her week. Sometimes during meetings he’d slip in the back with her.

At school, she didn’t have very many friends. Archie and Jughead, of course, but they all usually stayed clear of each other during school. Betty was very much creeped out by Scarlett, so that meant Kevin was too even though he was dating her best friend.

By the middle of sophomore year, everyone had found out that Scarlett was a serpent. She didn’t bother to hide her serpent jacket, and wore it to school. Josie started talking to her more, probably to use her as a charity case.

Cheryl, who was okay with her before, began the shaming as soon as she found out. All Scarlett could do was clench her fists and squeeze her eyes shut to avoid a fight, but one too many times that didn’t work.

One by one, everything crashed. She was accused of Jason Blossom’s death, found out her best friend and FP were partly responsible for Jason’s death, found out Mustang was found dead in a bathtub, and Joaquin had to wish her a tearful goodbye before he left town for good. Fred was shot, she spent days in the hospital, and the Black Hood was born.

“So, a little birdie told me today was your first day at Southside High? How’d that go?” Scarlett asked, finding Jughead typing on his computer at Pop’s.

Jughead looked up, smiling at Scarlett. “It was... interesting. Place is a shit show, I feel bad for all of them.” Jughead shrugged. Scarlett laughed softly, not expecting anything more from the Southside.

“Yeah? How was lunch? No Ghoulies messed with you, right?” Scarlett piled on the questions, narrowing her eyes. Jughead snorted, shaking his head.

“Sat alone. This girl named... Toni Topaz? You probably know her. Anyways, she showed me around and invited me to sit with her and the serpents since my dad’s one. I said no, and blah blah blah. Day went on and I met uh... some very interesting people.” Jughead explained.

“Yeah?” She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah. I know Toni. Who’d you meet?” Toni had since brushed her off after she left the Southside. She remembers one time, just a few months after she cut them off, she was walking back to the trailer park to talk to FP, and Toni slammed her against the wall and slapped her.

“You think you’re so cool, ditching us for Northsiders huh? Were we really that bad? Stupid bitch, you may be a serpent by tattoo now but you’ll never be a serpent by heart.”

“This one guy, he asked me about you. His name’s Fangs I think? He seemed like he genuinely cared. Then, Toni cut him off before I could say anything and told him to shut up. This other guy, Sweet Pea rolled his eyes. Sweet Pea’s a real jerk, got mad at me because I wouldn’t hang out with them after school.” Jughead said.

Her heart jumped at the mention of Sweet Pea. She’d always had a huge crush on him when they were younger, and even now sometimes she found it hard to get him off her mind. She hadn’t talked to him or seen him since before she left unexpectedly. On another note, The fact that Fangs asked about her too surprised her.

Her phone dinged, and she picked it up only to find Fred messaging her that Archie was going to be with friends tonight and that he was almost done making dinner if she wanted some.

“Hey, Jug, I gotta go. But... will you do me a favor?” She asked, sliding her phone in to her pocket. Jughead hummed in response, looking up at her. “Tomorrow, you know, if Sweet Pea gets his head out of his ass, would you ask him about me?”

Jughead furrowed his eyebrows, but nodded nonetheless. I waved goodbye to him and then left, hopping on my motorcycle and going home, thoughts of Sweet Pea in my head.

Not but a few days later, Archie’s video of the Red Circle spread around and the red dot painted on white t-shirts everywhere began to make her feel sick. She had voiced her opinion to Archie, who completely brushed it off. The first red Circle meeting was held at their house, where Scarlett stayed in the kitchen and did her homework, since she had nothing better to do. She also just wanted to eavesdrop on them.

Then, there were people at the door. Veronica walked in to the kitchen, breaking Scarlett from her trance. “Um, Scarlett? Your... buddies are here. And I think they want to cause trouble.”

Cause trouble my ass, Scarlett thought. If only Archie could use his brain, this wouldn’t be happening right now. She got up, walking down the hallway to where everyone was crowded around the front door.

She pushed past everyone, joining Archie. “No, Scarlett-” Archie started, but was cut off by a tall black haired hottie she didn’t recognize.

“Calahan? This is the fucking idiot you’re living with? I thought Jones was lying.” He scoffed. Then, she recognized him.

“Sweet Pea?” She mumbled. He stared at her for a second, then looked back at Archie.

Before she knew it, they were all outside. She watched, with slight pride. She’d never doubt the Serpents’ pride.

After a while, she began to feel like something was going to go wrong. She saw Dilton bend down, pulling something out of his pocket.

“Oh hell no.” She grumbled. She ran over to him, tackling him to the ground. Then, she groaned in pain and felt Dilton do the same. The knife had sliced them both. Then, a gunshot rang out. She sat up in pain, seeing Veronica with a gun in the air and the Serpents racing away in their bikes.

Dilton was helped up by Reggie, and Archie grabbed her and helped her inside. Scarlett could tell Archie was pissed, so she didn't say anything to him when he stormed out of her room.

“Did you guys really jump Dilton Doiley and Scarlett? She’s a fucking serpent.” Jughead stormed out to the courtyard at Southside High during lunch. He approached Toni, Fangs, and Sweet Pea who all looked at each other.

“Where’d you hear that from, Jones?” Toni scoffed, crossing her arms.

“Archie.” Jughead responded plainly, looking between all of them.

“No,” Fangs shook his head. “The idiot stabbed himself, and when Scarlett tried to stop him from stabbing Sweet Pea, he stabbed her too.”

Sweet Pea’s eyebrows raised in surprise, unaware of this. Of course, somewhere down inside his black heart, he had a soft spot for Scarlett. That spot was covered by a hard shell though, especially after she left them for some stupid Northsiders and thought she could remain a serpent.

“Um.. speaking of Scarlett... How is she?” Toni asked carefully. Jughead sighed, shrugging. “No one really knows these days. Not even me or Archie. Used to talk to Joaquin, but ever since he left... not really.” He explained.

“She was still talking to Joaquin? He never said anything about her.” Fangs said, looking at his friends. Toni shrugged, confused too.

“Um.. she’s coming to my trial tonight. If you guys wanted to see her.” Jughead added. Toni nodded and looked at Fangs. Sweet Pea only scoffed, mumbling something under his breath.

Scarlett found herself standing in the corner at the Wyrm, like always. Just this time, she didn’t have Joaquin making unnecessary, hilarious side comments. As if someone was reading her mind, a tall figure appeared next to her. “Didn’t know you actually came to events like these.” Sweet Pea scoffed. She rolled her eyes.

“I’m a serpent, whether you like it or not, Sweet Pea.” She snapped back, not bothering to look at him, and lose her whole I’m-a-bad-girl facade.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Calahan.” The tall boy replied. He stepped closer to her, and she only straightened her posture to show him she was just as tough as him. “You may think you’re a serpent because of your jacket, or your tattoo, but you’ll never be a serpent by heart. How could you be, if you ditch the people that need you the most? Your own family? If you never show up to the meetings, mingle with the enemies, you could never be a serpent.” Sweet Pea said, in his slow, deep, intimidating voice.

Scarlett snickered, stepping closer to him. They were chest to chest. “Honey, you’ve got me all wrong. I’ve been here the whole time. Maybe not the same school, but I’ve been at all the meetings, all of the important events, hell, I was there when you were initiated, I was there when Toni was, I was there when Fangs was. You just didn’t see me. And, don’t assume things if you don’t know the whole story. You think you know shit, but you don’t. Get your head out of your ass.”

“I should be the one saying that to you, Calahan. You think you’re hot shit, prancing around with the Bulldogs, pretending you don’t know us. You ditched us for crying out loud! And not once did you explain, or even say bye! This is the first time I’ve seen you in 3 years, for gods sake!” He yelled.

I rolled my eyes, pushing past him and walking out of the bar. I could hear his footsteps behind me, and before I knew it, I was being turned around and my lips were pressed against the one person I’ve been dreaming of kissing since second grade.

i think this is really bad ahahahah i didn’t edit it oops

#riverdale #sweet pea #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea fanfiction #sweet pea fluff #riverdale imagine #riverdale icons #cheryl blossom #jughead #jughead imagine #archie andrews #betty cooper #veronica lodge #imagine #fluff #angst

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dumbledearme · 6 years

Text

chapter forty-five—the fate we make

read Child of Land and Sea here

Act V — Walking On Water

Part VIII — We're off on a mission, we're tough; in good condition. We're short but standing tall. No fear!

Thalia said the Titan wanted to see Andy under the flag of truce, that he had a message from Kronos. Andy didn't seem to have a choice. The flag was as big as a soccer field and was carried by a thirty-foot-tall giant with bright blue skin.

"A Hyperborean," Thalia said. "The giants of the north. It's a bad sign that they sided with Kronos. They're usually peaceful."

"You've met them?" Andy asked.

"Mmm. There's a big colony in Alberta. I'm telling you, you do not want to get into a snowball fight with those guys."

With the giant, came a half-blood in armor, an empousa demon and a tall man in a tuxedo. The group walked leisurely toward the them.

"The tux dude is the Titan?" Andy guessed. Grover nodded.

The Titan stepped forward. He was taller than an average human. His black hair was tied in a ponytail. Sunglasses covered his eyes, and the skin in his face and arms was covered in scratches. "Andy Jackson," he greeted. "It's a great honor."

"Why? Are you a fan or something?"

"I think he was only being polite," Thalia pointed out.

"Well, he can-" Andy caught herself when she realized the half-blood was Ethan Nakamura. The son of a bitch. His nose looked like a squashed tomato which made her feel a little better. "Oh, you shouldn't have come here," Andy told him. "Now I'll be forced to hurt you."

Ethan glared at her, unsure if she was being serious.

"To business," the Titan got between them. "I am Prometheus."

With difficulty, Andy tore her eyes away from Ethan and shook the other guy's hand. "The fire-stealer guy who was chained to a rock with the vultures?"

Prometheus winced. "Please, don't mention the vultures. But yes, I stole fire from the gods and gave it to your ancestors. In return, the ever merciful Zeus had me chained to a rock and tortured for all eternity."

"And how-"

"How did I get free? Hercules did that, eons ago. So you see, I have a soft spot for heroes. Some of you can be quite civilized."

"Unlike the one beside you," she commented.

"Oh, demons aren't so bad," Prometheus eyed the empousa. "You just have to keep them well fed."

"I meant him," Andy specified pointing at Ethan and thinking of ways to make him suffer.

Prometheus smiled as if he too didn't like Ethan but was too polite to say anything. "Andy Jackson, let us parley." Prometheus laced his fingers. He looked earnest, kindly, and wise. The idea of fighting him made Andy sad. "Andy, your position is weak. You know you can't stop another assault."

"We can do this all day."

Prometheus looked pained. "Andy, I'm the Titan of forethought. I know what is going to happen."

"Also the Titan of crafty counsel," Grover put in. "Emphasis on crafty."

Prometheus shrugged. "True enough, satyr. But I supported the gods in the last war. I told Kronos: 'You don't have the strength. You'll lose.' And I was right. So you see, I know how to pick the winning side. This time, I'm backing Kronos."

"Because Zeus chained you to a rock," Thalia guessed.

"Partly, yes. I won't deny I want revenge. It was very upsetting what I went through. But that's not the only reason I'm supporting Kronos. It's the wisest choice. I'm here because I thought you might listen to reason. We have you surrounded. We know your numbers. We outnumber you twenty to one."

"You also have a spy."

Prometheus smiled apologetically. "At any rate, our forces are growing daily. Tonight Kronos will attack. You will be overwhelmed, Andy. You've fought bravely, but there's just no way you can hold all of Manhattan. You'll be forced to retreat to the Empire State Building. There you'll be destroyed. I have seen this. It will happen."

Andy shook her head. "I won't let that happen. Our future isn't set. I can change it. We can all change it."

"Understand, Andy. You are re-fighting the Trojan War here. Patterns repeat themselves in history. They reappear just as monsters do. A great siege. Two armies. And you are Troy. Do you know what happened to the Trojans?"

Andy felt again, that fear creeping inside of her. But she wouldn't let him see it. "You're going to cram a wooden horse into the elevator at the Empire State Building? Good luck with that, buddy."

Prometheus smiled. "Troy was completely destroyed, Andy. You don't want that to happen here. Stand down, and New York will be spared. Your forces will be granted amnesty. I will personally assure your safety. Let Kronos take Olympus. Who cares? Typhon will destroy the gods anyway."

"You expect me to believe that Kronos would spare us? That he has even a drop of mercy in his blood?"

"All he wants is Olympus," Prometheus promised. "The might of the gods is tied to their seats of power. When Kronos destroys Olympus, the gods will fade. They will become so weak they will be easily defeated. Kronos would rather do this while Typhon has the lost. But make no mistake, the best you can do is slow us down. The day after tomorrow, Typhon arrives in New York, and you will have no chance at all. The gods and Mount Olympus will still be destroyed, but it'll be much messier. Much, much worse for you and your city. Either way, the Titans will rule."

"I serve Artemis," Thalia said angrily. "The Hunters will fight to our last breath. Andy, you're not seriously going to listen to this slimeball, are you?"

"You both have courage," Prometheus said. "But the courageous die too. We need not be enemies. I have always been a helper of mankind."

"That's a load of shit," Thalia said. "When mankind first sacrificed to the gods, you tricked them into giving you the best portion. You gave us fire to annoy the gods, not because you cared about us."

Prometheus shook his head. "You don't understand. I helped shape your nature. I have been whispering in man's ear since the beginning of your existence. I represent your curiosity, your sense of exploration, your inventiveness. Help me save you, Andy. Do this, and I will give mankind a new gift – a new revelation that will move you as far forward as fire did. You can't make that kind of advance under the gods. They would never allow it. Bu this could be a new golden age for you. You know in your heart that Titans and their offspring aren't all bad. You've met Calypso. She made you see."

"That was different-"

"How? Much like me, she did nothing wrong, and yet she was exiled forever simply because she was Atlas's daughter. We are not your enemies. Don't let the worst happen," he pleaded. "We offer you peace."

Andy looked back at Ethan Nakamura. "Peace... If we take this deal, you don't get your revenge. You don't get to kill us all. Isn't that what you want?"

His good eye flared. "All I want is respect, Jackson. The gods never gave me that. You wanted me to go to your stupid camp, spend my time crammed into the Hermes cabin because I'm not important? Not even recognized?"

"People make mistakes. Gods make mistakes too. You ask us to respect vengeance?"

"Nemesis stands for balance! When people have too much good luck, she tears them down."

"Is that why she took your eye? Were you just too damn lucky?"

"It was payment," he growled. "In exchange, she swore to me that one day I would tip the balance of power. I would bring the minor gods respect. An eye was a small price to pay."

"Mother of the year."

"At least she keeps her word, unlike the Olympians. She always pays her debts – good or evil."

Andy punched him so hard in the face he fell backwards. "I saved your life! You son of a bitch, I saved your life! And you repaid me by raising Kronos and hurting Anthony! You want someone who keeps their word? Well, you got me, Ethan Nakamura. And I swear I will watch you die!" As soon as the words left her mouth, Andy regretted them. She knew she was just being mean, that she was just angry.

Although the fear that crossed Ethan's good eye kind of made it worthwhile. He grabbed the hilt of his sword, but Prometheus stopped him. "We're on a diplomatic mission." The Titan studied Andy. "It bothers you what happened to Luke," he decided. "Hestia didn't show you the full story. Perhaps if you understood..." He reached out. Thalia cried in warning, but before Andy could react, the Titan touched her forehead.

Suddenly she was back in May Castellan's living room. Thalia sat on the table while Ms Castellan bandaged her wounded leg. Anthony held her hand. Hermes and Luke stood apart in the living room.

"Why show yourself now?" Luke demanded. "All these years I've been calling to you, praying you'd show up, and nothing. You left me with her!"

"Do not dishonor her," Hermes warned. "Your mother did the best she could. As for me, I could not interfere with your path. The children of the gods must find their own way."

"So it was for my own good?" Luke cried. "Growing up on the streets, fending for myself, fighting monsters?"

"You're my son," Hermes said. "I knew you had the ability. When I was only a baby, I-"

"I am not a god! Just once, you could've said something. You could've helped when... when she was having one of her fits, shaking me and saying crazy things about my fate. When I used to hide in the closet so she wouldn't find me with those... those glowing eyes! Did you even care that I was scared? Did you even know when I finally ran away?"

Ms Castellan was singing aimlessly, but it was obvious the others could hear them.

"Luke, I care very much," Hermes said slowly, "but gods must not interfere directly in mortal affairs. It is one of our Ancient Laws. Especially when your destiny..." his voice trailed off and Andy finally understood. Hermes knew; he had known all along. He knew what would happen to his son and he did nothing to stop it.

"What?" Luke asked. "What about my destiny?"

"You should not have come back," Hermes muttered. "It only upsets you both. I'll speak with Chiron and have him send a satyr to help you get to camp."

"We're doing fine without help," Luke growled. "Now, what is my destiny?"

"My son," he said, "I'm the god of travelers, the god of roads. If I know anything, I know that you must walk your own path, make your own choices, even though it tears my heart."

"You don't love me."

"I do love you. Just... go to camp. I will see that you get a quest soon. You will get a chance to be a great hero before-"

"Before what?" Luke's voice was trembling now. "What did my mom see that made her like this? What's going to happen to me? If you love me, tell me!"

Hermes expression tightened. "I cannot."

"Then you don't care!" Luke yelled.

Finally, May stopped her singing. "Luke? Is that you? Is my boy alright?"

"I'm fine. I have a new family now. I don't need either of you."

"I'm your father," Hermes insisted.

"A father is supposed to be around. I've never even met you. Thalia, Tony, come on! We're leaving!"

"My boy, don't go!" May Castellan called after him. "I have your lunch ready!"

Luke stormed out the door, Thalia and Anthony scrambling after him. May Castellan tried to follow, but Hermes held her back. She collapsed in his arms and began to shake. Her eyes opened – glowing green. "My son," she hissed. "Danger. Terrible fate!"

"I know, my love," Hermes said sadly. "Believe me, I know."

The image faded. Prometheus pulled his hand away from Andy's forehead. Her face was wet with tears. She had to focus not to throw up.

"Andy?" Thalia called. "What... what was that?"

Prometheus nodded sympathetically. "Appalling, is it not? The gods know what is to come, and yet they do nothing, even for their children. How long did it take for them to tell you your prophecy, Andy Jackson? Don't you think your father knows what will happen to you?"

Andy held back a sob.

"Andy," Grover warned, "he's playing with your mind. Trying to make you upset." He could read her emotions so he probably knew Prometheus was succeeding at that.

"Do you really blame your friend Luke?" the Titan asked her. "What about you, Andy? Will you be controlled by your fate? Kronos offers you a much better deal."

Andy clenched her fists. "No. Tell Kronos... You tell him to call of his attack. Tell him to leave Luke's body and return to the pits of Tartarus. If he chooses to continue this war, then let him know we're right here. We'll be our own heroes. And we will write our own stories - to death or to victory. That is my message."

The empousa snarled but Prometheus just sighed. "If you change your mind," he said, "I have a gift for you." A Greek vase appeared in Andy's hands. The ceramic lid was fastened with a leather harness.

Groven whimpered. Thalia gasped. "That's not-"

"Yes," Prometheus said. "You recognize it. This belonged to my sister-in-law. Pandora."

"Pandora's box?" Andy asked.

"I don't know how this box business started. It was never a box. It was a pithos, a storage jar. I suppose Pandora's pithos doesn't have the same ring to it. Nevertheless, she opened this jar, which contained most of the demons that now haunt mankind – fear, death, hunger, sickness."

"Don't forget me," the empousa purred.

"Indeed," Prometheus conceded. "The first empousa was also trapped in this jar, released by Pandora. But what I find curious about the story is how Pandora always gets the blame. She is punished for being curious. The gods would have you believe that this is the lesson: mankind should not explore. They should not ask questions. They should do what they are told. In truth, Andy, this jar was a trap designed by Zeus and the other gods. It was revenge on me and my entire family. The gods knew she would open the jar. They were willing to punish the entire race of humanity along with us." Prometheus tapped the lid of Pandora's jar. "Only one spirit remained inside when Pandora opened it."

"Hope," Andy whispered.

Prometheus looked pleased. "Yes. Elpis, the Spirit of Hope, would not abandon humanity. Hope does not leave without being given permission. She can only be released by a child of man. I give you this as a reminder of what the gods are like. Keep Elpis, if you wish. But if you decide that you have seen enough destruction, enough futile suffering, then open the jar. Let Elpis go. Give up Hope, and I will know that you are surrendering. I promise Kronos will be lenient. He will spare the survivors." He stood and left, the others following him.

"What did he show you?" Thalia demanded. Reluctantly, Andy told her. "Ah... Yeah, that was a bad night," she admitted.

"What happened to Ms Castellan?"

"I don't know. Luke told us about the strange things she would say. What caused it... I have no idea. If he ever knew, he never told me."

"But Hermes knew," Andy said. "Something caused May to see parts of Luke's future, and Hermes knew what she had seen – that he would turn into Kronos."

Thalia frowned. "You can't be sure of that. Prometheus was manipulating you. Hermes did love Luke. I could tell just by looking at his face. And Hermes was there that night because he was checking up on May, taking care of her. He wasn't all bad."

"But it isn't right. Luke was just a kid. Hermes never helped him, never stopped him from running away."

"Andy," Thalia said darkly, "this is exactly why I joined the Hunters. It's easier to control our feelings, you know? Love... it stops being so overwhelming. We all have tough things to deal with. All demigods do. And like you said: people make mistakes. Mothers, fathers. Gods. But Luke... he made terrible choices. And he made them on his own. Nobody forced him."

"So you don't love him anymore?"

"Don't say that. I will never stop-" she stopped herself. "If you're worried about who loves who... Well, if Tony... I mean, if he has to face Luke in battle, I don't know if he can do it. From the moment those two met, they've had a connection. They don't share the same blood, but they are brothers. After that night... After we left his mom's house? Luke was never the same. He got reckless and moody, like he was trying to prove something. By the time Grover found us... well, part of the reason we had so much trouble was because Luke wouldn't be careful. He wanted to pick a fight with every monster we crossed. And Tony... he didn't think that was a problem. He likes recklessness, just look at you."

"Who are you calling reck-"

"Those two together..." Thalia continued. "They wanted to be heroes. All I'm saying is... don't fall into the same trap. Luke has given himself to Kronos. We can't afford to be soft on him just because we love him."

Slowly, Andy nodded. "Alright. I hear you."

"I'm going to check on the Hunters, then get some more sleep before nightfall. You should crash too."

"No, I don't want to. I'll only have bad dreams."

"I know, believe me," Thalia looked down. "But there's no telling when you'll get another chance to sleep. It's going to be a long night. Maybe our last night."

"Do me a favor then," Andy handed her the jar. "Lock this in the hotel vault, will you? Hope isn't going anywhere. Not while I'm around."

Thalia smiled. "You got it."

Andy watched her go then found the nearest bed and passed out.

#andromeda #andy jackson #anthony chase #andony #genderbend #fanfic #dfcrosas #child of land and sea #walking on water #fem percy jackson

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buttonholedlife · 5 years

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Coronavirus acts like a 'Excavator' in the music business|Techno Setting

Coronavirus acts like a 'Excavator' in the popular music industry

A number of full weeks ago my journeying for job between Leipzig and also Berlin ceased as a result of this coronavirus outbreak. I have actually given that then understood I have actually been actually totally eaten through work the final although and haven't been taking note of worldly affairs. I totally overlooked acting on the information coverage on covid19. Like the rest of us, I have never ever seen this kind of scenario where a global virus burst out so quickly around the globe.

Purportedly the constantly harmful and also aged that are actually thought about the absolute most at risk in our society currently over time are actually the absolute most in jeopardy, however there have been actually bunches of newspaper article from all over the world about folks under the age of fifty that are actually being actually laid up in Intensive Treatment.

Along with what believes that a comprehensive lockdown in result throughout the globe, to sway this infection which our company at this minute don't understand just how much it will definitely take our company in Corona's cooling rollercoaster. A considerable amount of individuals from throughout the world are really straining, the music business is actually enduring financially now over time, from group managers, PR organizations as well as the DJs. While all of us are being actually informed that social distancing is actually a must, purportedly any type of social get in touch with may create the matters worse.

Must our team comply with the policies of each of our federal governments and remain at our homes or should we say fuck the globe and be defiant and also keep going crazy whatever?

To become truthful, I am actually still quite a lot in shock about just how the world has totally shutdown but also for fundamental essential needs. Every little thing appears inverted, it is actually a little creepy, it seems that one thing thus little such as a microorganism can essentially handle traveling, globe markets, as well as authorities, an infection that's still in its own infancy participating in mayhem outside and in. Last night I went purchasing for groceries and also any of the grocery stores I went to all had operated out of fresh fruit and vegetables, dairy, eggs, bread, spaghetti all the everyday based was actually fully gone.

Let's continue track and also discuss the songs industry, where nightclubs like the epic Berghain and Berlin's finest Tresor among various other clubs almost everywhere are defending their presence. DJs are immediately certainly not being actually scheduled or every one of their approaching jobs for the following pair of months being terminated and God knows for how much time. The cycle of the songs field is actually being damaged presently. This is actually why I had an interest in exactly how DJs coming from various spots around the entire world & & exactly how it's impacted them as well as just how they are actually coping with it today.

We asked numerous individuals coming from the songs industry; How possesses the 'LOCKDOWN' condition impacted you individually as well as how are your household taking care of the disruption as well as perhaps very most importantly, just how is it impacting you fiscally?

DAVE CLARKE

"The important things concerning this lockdown is actually just how you discover exactly how it is actually affecting each and every individual, the anxiety, the worry of does a sneezing indicate merely a cold or "The Infection"? It is more vital than ever to connect and also mention hi digitally to every person you care approximately, to pay attention, to learn (I was actually talking with a friend in China to attempt and learn ideas for instance) to sustain, to acquire help, to try as well as be actually amusing and have submissiveness. Easy things like losing the drone of the urban area seems for me has actually been actually quite disturbing, you really feel alone, the managing your food items source like a stockroom for efficiency (which tbh need to possess consistently held true, yet an unacceptable apple believes that a crime currently) understanding individuals may certainly not pay for food items, the stress they possess.

The loss of all the liberties we considered given, in retrospection the pointless stupidity of business community. Walking the roads to acquire food experiences like Sundays made use of to be actually, every little thing now is actually full-on sell sell, probably closing the outlets down for a time a week will definitely help the mind, the loved ones, the private inhale far better. Oh, and the social networking sites birthed DJ's, possibly a lot better for me not to claim just about anything regarding that shitshow of arrogance. Allow's survive this find out, grieve, be actually better individuals, oh and really love even more honestly."

SANTONIO ECHOLS

"For me, It is actually beginning to get actual for our team in Michigan. My partner as well as I chose to stockpile on some things 3 weeks ago for the residence (food-wise) merely in the event that. I personally assume it is going to get a lot worse just before it gets better. After chatting with my booking organization My jobs were actually terminated or on grip for the month of May. Monetarily it is actually not affecting our team my better half is actually working from house and we possess a couple of dollars do away with for a stormy time. Companies are actually hurting a little, I'm hoping that this will definitely be actually short phrase. Effective my moms and dads and my spouse's parents to remain within was the tough part. Finding exactly how it is actually influencing seniors differently ... Let's keep prayerful!"

ORLANDO VOORN

"Most of us recognize that Coronavirus is actually a major concern for any individual around immediately, but as for feeling the economic grief on my edge and likely for a lot of underground songs producers, this performs not modify a lot given that our company have been paralyzed through this new system of greed as well as no drug age. Many of us discovered currently other means to keep afloat. I make popular music for over three decades and also ain't going no place.

I wish all my actual popular music manufacturers and also lovers to keep tough and strive and smart to maintain doing you for US. Nevertheless, the "elite" Non-producer DJ along with a million fans are currently weakened through this virus and can not go fist-pumping or even whatever else unawareness they may consider to supply the audience. Can not create that 50k a program anymore, I would certainly must claim along with satisfaction in my vocal. Fate involved you incognito as well as her name is Circle. Feel free to do not be sobbing online over how poor you possess it and also begging for donations given that you can not hand push any sort of longer. Because of the brand-new corrupt unit of Fans the whole scene how it got created has actually obtained raped from its own source by the greed of the corporates alleged advocates of the Techno as well as residence scene but definitely are out commercial just. Do not care about the top quality of the popular music. Those events that do treatment are actually rare. Below ground for life little one our experts such as roaches, certainly never dying always living As well as along with that being pointed out Let's return to the course!"

STATIC OBSTRUCTION

"This coronavirus pandemic carries 2 major risks to individual suffering, a wellness danger which is without a doubt the best essential but stone's throw behind is the financial risk. This 2nd one can easily trigger human suffering on a much bigger scale, unemployment, bankruptcy, making fear. Its own a cause and effect and a symptom of the capitalist device that is actually dated and also extreme. Our financial system might be established up in a manner elevating everyone from hardship, certainly not only the abundant, but also for the absolute most part, it loads scientific research as well as advancement. In my viewpoint, our federal governments need to have to carry out a global simple earnings for all, so people do not suffer needlessly, our company do not need additional mayhem bordering this problems, we require actual management and a planning of action to reduce the quantity of interruption presently happening.

All artists/DJs/graphic designers/promoters are influenced through this current state of affairs. Over the final 10 years, our team have actually viewed the amount of amount of money our company bring in coming from generating music decrease due to the onset of streaming web sites. In 2015 was awful in mind available because I started releasing popular music in 2005 and also but my songs was actually streamed over 500,000 opportunities on a variety of different internet sites. Along with most countries entering into lockdown, I am now not needed to create leaflets or banners as all events have been called off. I'm additionally certainly not able to DJ anywhere, each of this will possess a knock-on impact of eating into our financial savings. Currently, I don't understand anyone with the virus, each of my friends and family are actually taking safety measures along with social distancing, but it's having an extensive impact on every person. Coming from my viewpoint, It presents exactly how delicate our society is actually and also partly how unproductive a considerable amount of our work are actually."

DJ SURGELES

"The 'Lock-Down' has actually delivered our company considerably. I find it in the people around me, that are currently pretty panicky and also question where this will definitely lead. My efficiencies have actually been called off up until the end of April. The only positive factor I observe right now is that individuals are actually cooperating more to try to quell the huge complication and also for example in Wuhan there is again sunlight and crystal clear skies which has certainly not taken place for many years because of the smogginess, Venice has actually also taken a positive turn, the water is very clear once again while it was polluted. Perhaps it is actually Mama Attribute that offers a warning to humanity. From an economic standpoint, I will, obviously, step, yet that doesn't matter, our company need to make an effort to obtain the Infection in control!"

ADAM HELDER

"A lot of our clients are expert DJs, as well as occasions are suspended around the planet currently. Most of all of them are facing a come by their profit and it is actually mirroring also on our job. On yet another palm it is actually a good moment for that desires to advertise a brand-new launch, there's a ton of musicians spending more opportunity on podcasts and also stay streaming DJ collections, so they're seeking brand new songs, and at Grasp Coupon we'll release soon a charity initiative entailing our most prominent services, to help the performers certainly not to lose their upcoming releases and also give a contribution, in our little bit of, to keep the underground Techno as well as Property setting running in the course of this tough instant.

The Planet is actually dealing with a significant challenge along with the COVID19 infection. Every one of you artists, keep risk-free, devote the upcoming weeks with your household and let your creative thinking flow, now especially we require your contribution, for our thoughts and also spirit. Our personnel at Reach Coupon will be operating, as standard, to support musical tasks during these tough days, waiting on the instant we will certainly be clubbing once more together, bound as being one."

Ecilo is actually popular for his partner with Detroit inventor Thomas Barnett (Rhythim is actually Rhythim w/ Derrick May), we inquired him just how the situation is at this second in Jakarta (Indonesia).

"Our team are certainly not actually on Lockdown, our condition at the moment is the Authorities notifies everyone to operate from their homes plus all the schools are closed. As for me individually, it definitely influences me since I'm a citizen at Club Kilo Jakarta (Indonesia) and also it's immediately is unfilled and also a few individuals involve the celebration every night. Hey, I completely know it, It's technique too self-centered for me to think business-wise about the money aspect. Crucial for everyone is actually to remain paid attention to their health and wellness as well as be in addition to their family members in these weird opportunities where a virus is keeping getting control of the planet. For all promoters, it is actually time for them to perform investigation that the real skills are actually so our experts can easily possess typically one thing brand new hereafter pandemic. I wish all my close friends throughout the globe, and I truly think our company can encounter it all together."-- Ecilo Jones

For additional information on coronavirus see

To maintain to meeting along with more of our news/articles associate with our team on social networks:

Look into our month to month podcast on di.fm, pay attention to past program listed here: https://technoscene.eu/on-air/

This content was originally published here.

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secondsightcinema · 6 years

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Love Letters: Dear Mr. Rains

Dear Mr. Rains,

Or perhaps I should say

Dear Captain Renault, …Jack Griffin (The Invisible Man), …Alex Sebastian (Notorious), …Adam Lemp (Four Daughters), …Prince John (The Adventures of Robin Hood), …Nutsy (Moontide), …Senator Paine (Mr. Smith Goes to Washington), …Job Skeffington, …Dr. Jaquith (Now, Voyager), …and all the other roles you inhabited so magnificently on stage, screen, and in your own remarkable life—

It’s your birthday. Today is the 129th anniversary of your birth, November 10, 1889. Happy birthday! I hope the afterlife has fabulous birthday parties, and that you’re celebrating with all your old friends and colleagues: your acting pupils, Gielgud and Laughton; your friends from the West End, Noel Coward and James Whale; writers you worked with, like George Bernard Shaw, and directors like Michael Curtiz…and of course the ladies—lots of ladies. Not sure if you’d invite your ex-wives, but naturally you will be celebrating with your great love, Rosemary, who left you bereaved in 1964, three years before you joined her.

You contain multitudes. All great actors do, especially character actors. You are never less than utterly convincing in every kind of role and movie, but your own fire and intelligence, your own fine intensity, are always present in that amazing gallery of portraits.

I have loved you for a long time, along with legions of fans winding back through the decades, spooling through your films and long before and after that through all your stage appearances in London New York, starting when you were only 10 years old.

Unlike with some of my other dead boyfriends, there was no Aha! moment watching you in a particular role when I suddenly realized you had my heart. Maybe that’s because you were present in so many wonderful films of the ’30s and ’40s that you sneaked up on me before I even thought about it. Pretty sure our first encounter was Casablanca, where, surrounded by an incredible Warner Bros. dream cast, you came close to walking away with the film in your pocket.

Captain Renault is your calling card, the one you will be forever remembered as, just as Frank Morgan is indelibly the wizard of Oz, no matter his long list of other distinguished performances. Your Renault is an irresistible survivor: cheerfully corrupt, unapologetically self-interested, and always on the make. His sexual exploitation of pretty women desperate for exit visas may in our time prove to be his least excusable offense, but I think Renault will probably weather even that. Casablanca will always be with us.

But here you are, 129 and still devastating. I’ve been watching your movies and reading David Skal’s biography, Claude Rains: An Actor’s Voice, which so evocatively conjures your childhood in a series of poor London neighborhoods in the 1890s. Your father, Frederick, was a grandiose failure, an occasional actor, singer, and songwriter. You survived, one of only three children (and the only son) to do so among the 10 your loving, mentally unstable mother, Emily, brought into this world. She did her best to shield you from the harshness your old man lavished on his only son. Imagining you as a child in those tough streets, restlessly looking for a way to do more than survive, has made me love you more than ever.

I had heard a little about your childhood speech impediments, how you called yourself “Willie Wains”—the Ws for Rs, the stutter, the Cockney accent so thick that your only child, your beloved daughter, Jessica, said she could not understand you when you sang the Cockney songs of your childhood, that it was like you became a different person.

But what was the mysterious force that drove you? Aside from hunger, I mean, and the constant awareness of how precarious your family’s position was. The first spark for what became your stellar theatrical career was when you left your job selling newspapers to follow a boy to the church where he sang in the choir, lured by the glamour of his costume, and got yourself a spot in that choir (and your own costume!). Which led, eventually, to your first appearance onstage, then to a job as a theater “call boy,” and eventually assistant stage manager, stage manager, and actor. Two men, one your boss and mentor, Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, one of the greatest actor-producers of the London stage, took an interest in you and helped you to conquer your speech difficulties, which was the first step to preparing you to become an actor. One of them taught you to roll your Rs, which you did for the rest of your life, and also insisted you educate yourself by reading—you had left school in 2nd grade to go to work, to bring in a few pennies to help your family, who so often struggled to eat and keep a roof over their heads.

Early on, you were caught stealing change from an actor’s pockets, and fired. You took the money because you were so hungry, but when you were fired and had to return to school, when your mother wept and your old man beat you repeatedly for it, you felt the shame in your bones and swore never to steal again. A few months later, you got a job at another theater, and your career resumed.

You were such a little boy to be so stoic in the face of your father’s frequent beatings. You never cried. But that’s not uncommon with abused children, they learn not to flinch, they won’t give the abuser the satisfaction. Skal writes that Frederick used to beat you in the garden shed, Emily’s face floating agonized in the window of the flat. So small, but with the spark of the ferocity that would eventually find its way into your acting.

There is something so moving about you and a few other incredibly gifted actors who survived childhoods of Dickensian deprivation and loneliness—Cary Grant, Charles Chaplin, and Barbara Stanwyck—children who were largely left on your own to scavenge and somehow, miraculously, survive. Among this small group, you are alone in having had both parents, though like Chaplin and Grant, your mother was institutionalized for mental illness. Yours, unlike theirs, returned home, though she would have repeated bouts of illness that took her away from home throughout her life.

You traveled so far from that series of flats in neighborhoods that ranged from squalid to genteel poverty. But always, no matter what, Emily kept the steps tidy, brass on the door, and a paper fan on the fireplace. When there was enough money, your father would invite colleagues to dinner, and at its conclusion your mother would always ask, “Would anyone like some cheese?” Then your family all held their breath. Fortunately, no one ever wanted any, because there was none—the cheese course was out of reach at the family’s best of times, but your mother’s sense of propriety drove her to ask. Maybe it was partly that yearning for something nicer, which you had in common with her, that drove you so far. Frederick came from a prosperous family, and you never forgot a visit to one of his relatives in the country, and later in life, when you were successful and well-to-do yourself, you bought yourself a farm in Pennsylvania where you enjoyed country life to the hilt.

You came so far. At first, when you were what, 10, 11?—it was the long commute from the family current flat to the West End, an hour or more each way. Then as you grew a little older and rose in your profession, you began to tour with productions, and by your mid-teens you had traveled around England and Ireland, and then to Berlin. A little later, in the early 1910s, you came to America for the first time as advance man for another production. By your mid-20s you had traveled widely and become a respected member of your profession. During WWI, after that service-ending gas attack that took 90 percent of the sight in your right eye and gave your voice its distinctive rough undertone [sigh], you returned to London determined not to go back to the theater (after life at the front as a sharpshooter, the theater seemed “sissy”), it took a single lunch with colleagues to entice you back onto the stage. And that’s when your acting career really took off.

Reading about the London theater scene of the era, the shows you were in then, working with friends like Noel Coward and Elsa Lanchester, as an acting teacher at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts to Gielgud and Laughton, famously…appearing in a number of original productions of Shaw, as well as in avant garde plays—my favorite was The Insect Play, in which both Gielgud and Lanchester appeared, four episodes in which actors played butterflies, warrior ants, and other six-legged crawlies. It sounds like such an exciting scene, so much fresh creative energy and talent.

But as the professional triumphs began to accumulate, as you began to make enough money to subsidize your family and to dress elegantly, you also began to accumulate romantic disasters. You said toward the end of your life that you had loved a lot of women, but only one had loved you back.

Is that one of the stories of your life that you told yourself? It’s heartbreaking. You were ill, grieving the loss of your Rosemary, your last wife, presumably the one who had loved you back. You married six times, for periods ranging from months to 21 years. The first marriage was undone, perhaps, by World War I, which took you away from your actress bride. After returning from the military hospital to London, you caught her in the arms of another soldier, whom she subsequently married, but she seems not to have lost her yen for you.

Let’s face it: You have It. Had you been a few inches taller you might not have become a character actor until later in life; being 5’6″ sealed your fate. But the lack of height didn’t read as a lack of stature, as you discovered as a call boy observing a successful actor who was not physically imposing. You saw that his excellent posture and confidence overcame actual measurements. And just as you practiced to overcome your speech impediments and accent, you practiced carrying yourself with authority.

You created a container for your larger-than-life self, for your wit, your intelligence, your ardor. As I’ve seen written repeatedly, you are able to cut a man to bits just by slightly raising your right eyebrow. You set hearts a-flutter for decades. Matter of fact, my dear sir, you are still doing it today, 51 years after you left us.

Bette Davis was in love with you. Shortly after your death in 1967, she told your daughter—gushed, really—about you as both actor and man. She said you had brought your wife and daughter to the set of Mr Skeffington to keep her in line, and that she bet your dressing room / trailer was as busy with lady callers as Grand Central Station. That she would have loved to get you drunk… I mean, dayum, Bette, why don’t you tell us how you really feel?

Anyway, I hope you will forgive me for bringing up such personal matters when we just met, but…with a world full of women who adore you, how on Earth did you wind up marrying five who didn’t love you back? Or did some of them love you, but you couldn’t see it because you believed they didn’t or couldn’t?

What I’m asking, Dr. Jaquith, is if the sad story is that women did not love you, which we know is not true, or that you repeatedly managed to marry women who did not love you, which is possible, or that you were so convinced that they could not love you that you were unable to perceive that they did?

Reading about your jealousy at your first and second wife’s betrayals, pounding on the door of your flat when you heard another man’s voice inside, I think of Alex Sebastian in Notorious, realizing that the beautiful wife he adores is a spy who is not only betraying his love, she very well may get him killed. And of Job Skeffington, surely the epitome of unrequited love, married to a woman whose vanity renders her incapable of loving anyone until her looks are gone: maybe the power of your extraordinary performance is partly generated by your own pervasive sense of not being loved back.

We all have these stories about ourselves, whether we are aware of them or not. We live by them. They have real consequences in the choices we make, how we interpret the contours of our lives. And for the artists among us, like you, they are origin stories, potent emotional fuel that inform and drive your work.

So on the one hand, I hate to think you believed yourself not loved back when a world of women love you still, and on the other, maybe if you did believe it, it helped drove your absolutely incredible work, and that is no small thing.

Anyway, look at the time, I better wrap this up. But I want to thank you for your beautiful work, for all the pleasure you have brought me in my long, obsessive movie watching life. It’s been wonderful to have this blogathon as an excuse to spend so much time with you, watching your films, reading about your life, speculating about your inner life. At the age of 129, your work still speaks to us, and thanks to film, the only time machine we will ever have, you are still racking up female conquests. May our love reach you. May you, at long last, know fully and deeply, that we love you back.

Here’s more Rains-related posts:

The Invisible Man

Now, Voyager

This post was written for The Claude Rains Blogathon, hosted by Pure Entertainment Preservation Society. Head on over and check out the other swell entries.

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mumsles-blog · 7 years

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Fancy a walk?

Saturday July 1st and I’m at the start line of my next walking challenge, 100km or 63 miles of the Cotswold way, Bath to Cheltenham in a day! I’ll admit that even though this is my 4th of these challenges I was feeling particularly nervous this time. This was the first time that the organisers had put on this challenge and in true Masterchef jargon it was billed as their ‘Toughest challenge yet’. Easy to dismiss it as hype but having read comments from walkers who had already hiked part of it and then looking at the elevation map it looked like it might live up to its billing. There were lots of hills and very few flat bits so I was apprehensive about what lay in store over the next 24 hours or so. I train pretty hard and although the experience of having 3 previous walks under my belt means that I am pretty sure I’m able to complete it I had no doubts it would be tough. I live at the foot of the Surrey Hills and I’m lucky that I can get a fair bit of hill walking in right out of my house but it also means I know that a few hours of going up and down steep ascents can sap your strength and turn your legs to jelly let alone spending a whole day doing it. Consequently I was late to the start, due to leave at 8am I was delayed by nerves. Without being graphic it was playing havoc with my stomach! Although I was registered and ready about 10 mins before my start time I felt I needed to try and relax a bit more so asked to be changed to the next starting slot. They agreed and so I waited for the 8.30 group to be called. I now feel that fate was kind to me because while I was waiting and chatting to the guys on the Macmillan stand I met Simone who was also taking part. This was her first challenge and we started chatting and went to the start line together. We decided to head off together and see how we got on and if our pace matched. We had a brief chat about our motivation for taking part and I felt bad that Simone got upset as her husband has cancer and her reasons are very current and at the forefront for them both. So two strangers shared a brief hug and then after encouragement from both our husbands we headed off into the Cotswold countryside. The day was cloudy but warm and I was relieved that the temperatures had dropped somewhat as we had been experiencing hot days of around 28c in the previous couple of weeks. I have done a 26 mile walk in that heat before and it really slows you up so the much cooler 20 – 22c was welcome. In the first 4 miles we had already climbed up to 800ft which was just a taster of what was to come. The views however were absolutely stunning and there were times when we could see the river Severn in the distance and across to Wales. Interestingly even when you are really tired and have clambered up yet another steep ascent you can still appreciate the view from the top…just before you head back down, get to the bottom and go straight back up again! It was in fact not until we got to around 28 miles that we actually had a mile or so of flatter ground when we were heading to the mid-way rest point. At the top of a couple of the hills there were churches, perched high above their parishes, and I couldn’t help imagining how in days gone by when cars were not commonplace the congregation would have walked up the hill in a steady procession for family services and for the inevitable christenings, weddings and funerals. What a beautiful final resting place though and I feel it must have alleviated the sadness a little to visit lost loved ones in such lovely surroundings. Certainly there was a noticeable but pleasant quietness and we all seemed quite deep in thought as we took a brief rest up there. One of the few level stretches took us through deer parks and past the boundaries of some pretty impressive walled gardens and landscaped grounds. All we could see of the mansion that stood in these grounds was a glimpse of roofs and chimneys but it was obviously huge. As we left through one of the many gateways to Dodington Park we Googled the name and we discovered it belonged to James Dyson…there’s a lot of money in vacuum cleaners and hairdryers it would seem! Soon we would be climbing again and up to the first of a couple of monuments then down and on to the halfway point and that welcome hot meal and the knowledge that this would be a slightly longer rest to eat and drink and check feet etc. before the night-time section. Sadly this was where Simone and I parted company as she was heading off to her tent for the night before she started the second half early the next morning. I think that although she said she was looking forward to the rest, there was a little bit of her that thought it might be better to continue and just get it over with! Certainly I would never do this 2 day option, not because of any arrogant reasons but mainly because I have heard other people say that they do not sleep well and then the psychological part of getting up the next day to do it all again is tough, especially knowing that other people who’ve carried on walking through the night will be nearing the finish line when you’ve only just started on your way. Anyway, I didn’t mention any of this as it wouldn’t have helped so we ate our meal together, our own little last supper, and then Simone came with me when I went outside to wait for the next group to set off and we had a longer hug this time having become friends on the way. Although it was still light at this point it would become dark before we got to the next rest stop so you the organisers do not let you leave alone or in less than 3 people. I had already decided I would join a group and then look around at people’s number bibs which also show their start times and I would find someone who had a similar or later time to me so that I knew their pace would be a match. Luckily I saw a couple of ladies with 9am start times and as I walked up to them they were saying that they were doing much the same and looking for one or two people with similar times. I spoke to them and we agreed we would set off with the group then find our own pace. It was fortunate to find then as the rest of the group were fairly slow and we soon headed off together. Loz and Debbie were probably half my age and PE teachers which daunted me a little and I’ll admit I did think at one point that I might be struggling to keep up. However, they were first timers and admitted later that they had headed off a bit too quickly initially and Debbie had some pretty serious blisters erupting. She was giving it her best shot though and although you could see she was in pain she was desperate to try and keep up the pace. Immediately after the bliss of the halfway stop we were heading uphill on one of the toughest and longest uphill stretches of the whole walk. It seemed to go and on. Sometimes it’s better when you are walking straight and you can see the enormity of what’s ahead but when you are on a winding path your mind keeps telling you that round the next corner it will be level and then there is a deflating moment when you reach that corner and ahead is yet more climbing. I think this was around two miles of uphill slog but it felt more like five by the time we got to the top. The next sector was some steep climbs and descents and where I learnt a new way to go downhill which is easier on the knees and joints. Loz demonstrated by basically turning at right angles to the slope and stepping or skipping sideways. She showed me slowly and then went hurtling down the hill at full speed. Debbie and I followed at a far more sedate speed behind her. I had visions of tripping and tumbling head over heels all the way to the bottom. I was pretty pleased with myself though when I managed to get up a couple of the hills before Loz, not bad going for someone twice her age. By this time poor Debbie was really suffering and as well as her feet, which we stopped to help patch up a few times, she also felt sick and unwell which was partly dehydration. I was surprised that they had not refilled their water bottles at the fifth stop but I know you tend to slow up on drinking at night when it’s cooler, not a good idea though. It became fairly obvious she was going to have to stop as she was in a lot of stomach pain. At the next stop she decided she would have to stay there and rehydrate herself and get her feet checked but she was keen for Loz to continue and finish. So we joined up with another couple and carried on through the night. This last quarter was really hard going. We had made the ascent up yet another very long winding hill and knew that a lot of the walk was now on the ridge of the hills. However there were still a lot of very steep gradients, shorter yes but lots of them like a rollercoaster! Although it was too dark to see what was ahead you could generally tell from the voices drifting back to you saying things like “they’re having a fucking laugh aren’t they, not again!” , which sort of gives it away. We also found ourselves on a mud path which looked and felt initially like it was hard packed mud and pretty dry. Halfway down a slope we discovered it was actually very boggy in places but it was almost impossible to see where in the limited vision you have from a head torch. Several times I thought I was about to lose my boot as I trod in a squelchy spot. Around this time I could feel the balls of my feet starting to feel sore and soon I knew that I had the dreaded blisters, they can be so debilitating for something relatively small. I decided against removing my boots to look at them, my feet were taped up and I was more concerned about causing more damage. Also I felt if I saw how bad they were it would make it mentally tougher so I popped a couple of Nurofen and carried on. I’m pretty sure they were a consequence of the steep downhill slopes especially those with loose stones which are always bad news! As always the walking in the dark is tiring mentally and really tests you. Loz was now feeling despondent, partly because Debbie had to drop out and partly because she realised they had pushed themselves a bit too hard in the very early stages and she was tiring fast. Pacing yourself is hard and the inclination is always to start off faster but its best to try and keep a constant pace as much as possible then if you have anything left you can speed up at the end. It’s definitely worked for me on the last couple of walks! At the last stop with only 6km to go and back into daylight at last, Loz heard that Debbie was feeling better and was going to try and get a bit further which boosted her a little. After a couple of kilometres we walked with a small group who were varying paces. Loz decided she would stick with the slightly slower paced ones and myself and a couple of others headed off a bit faster and even managed to jog now and then. Gradually we split up and I found myself heading alone along the final bit of tarmac (flat!!!) where I did my now signature run across the finish line to be met with a hug from hubby Mark and my training buddy Brodie, who was barking furiously at the applause. Photos, a medal and the welcome glass of bubbly and then a sit down to remove the boots and finally let those blisters have some air, they weren’t pretty! It’s amazing how your body reacts once you’ve finished. At each of the rest stops you can sit and have a drink and something to eat, change socks, use facilities, then up you get and off you go. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to get back into stride but otherwise all is fine. You get to the finish and sit down though and when you go to get up and leave… nothing works, it’s as though you’ve been sat on by an elephant! Joints seize up, feet ache and you generally just feel like you want to be carried to the car and that’s definitely not going to happen with a big girl like me! Then I spot Loz coming across the field and hobble over to congratulate her only to be told that Debbie is now well and truly back on track and should finish in the next hour…what a girl, good on her. Somehow, I plod a few yards to the car and plonk myself down inelegantly knowing it will be a huge effort to get out again later but I’ve done it…100km in 23 hours and 36 minutes, fab, I’m absolutely exhausted but elated. After a shower, breakfast and a couple of hours sleep we headed back to the finish to wait for Simone to cross the line. She had no idea I would be there but I really wanted to see her finish and congratulate her and also thank her in person as she had spent part of her overnight rest logging on and donating to me, so lovely of her. A quick introduction of her dogs and ours and we said our goodbyes and headed back to our B&B for a well-earned rest. So why do I do it again and again, that’s what I get asked a lot. It’s exactly what it says on the tin…a challenge. It hurts some of the time but a lot of the time it doesn’t and adrenaline is an amazing drug to get you through the pain. I get a real high from completing it and it gives me a focus each year to make me get out and walk that extra few miles and work out a bit harder and that’s good for me. I’ve met a lot of amazing people from the organisers to supporters to fellow walkers. It sounds clichéd but they truly restore your faith in humanity. Everyone is so supportive and they all look out for each other. If you see someone sat at the side of the path you immediately ask if they are ok and if they need anything. People will stop to help patch up feet, share water if you’ve run low, offer energy bars or sweets if you’re in need of a boost and words of encouragement if you are struggling. I’ve never heard a negative comment, I’ve heard a fair bit of swearing…especially when there was yet another bloody hill to go up, but genuinely it’s a positive vibe all round. Many of them are walking because they or someone close to them has been through something awful and that empathy is evident. Even at the B&B we stayed at there was some lovely moments. A couple who had chatted with Mark gave him a donation for me and the owners kindly let me have breakfast a bit later than usual. We had a lovely room with an ensuite shower which was absolutely ok but they offered me the use of a bath in another empty room so I could have a proper soak and the lady also gave me a big white fluffy bathrobe of hers and some of her own luxury bath foam, so kind and thoughtful. My first walk was with my lovely friend Katie and we laughed and cried our way from London to Brighton. I’ll never forget how emotional that one was, the pain of losing my mum and best mate was very much to the forefront and then one sister in law passed away just before and another shortly afterwards. Despite being adamant that I would never do another one I signed up for The Isle of Wight and took part with a friend Rob and my stepdaughter Eloise. Sadly Rob didn’t complete the challenge but Eloise battled through some fairly awful blisters and although we didn’t finish together she did an amazing job to run across the line a short while after me. Both my last 2 walks on my own I’ve been lucky enough to team up with amazing ladies who I didn’t know beforehand. Lisa on Thames Path last year who was doing it for her brother and Simone walking for her husband and just as importantly they were doing it for themselves too. To give them a sense of being able to do something at a horrendously difficult time, I understand that. I do it for mum and Pat and my family, all women, who are no longer with us because of the bloody awful disease that is cancer. Five women who should have had longer with us and who should not have had to deal with the horrors of cancer but who did so bravely and with strength, stubbornness and humour. I walk because I can and because I want to remember all these ladies and everyone else that has a rough deal in life, they are all my inspiration and motivation. I hope that the money raised will ease some of the pain for others unfortunate enough to have to deal with illness and offer support to their families and friends. To date myself, Katie, Eloise and Rob have raised a total of around £6,764 (including Gift Aid) for Macmillan and Médecins sans Frontières. All in all an Ultra Challenge walk is a good place to be and I’ll be there again this coming weekend. South Coast Way, Saturday August 26th 2017, 9am, Eastbourne, I’ll be on the start line once more………… wish me luck!

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