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#delete later#sometimes i miss inuyasha a lot not just Because it was a good show but because an ex friend of mine adored it and we used to stay up so#late to see the newest episode and we'd read manga and the weekly shonen jump on the basement floor#i read slower than her but she always waited for me to ask her to turn the page#we dont talk anymore i actually have her blocked#for the first time since we were seven i wont be telling her happy birthday at midnight#im not strong enough to lose anymore friends and I want to so desperately not speak to anyone ever again#i dont want to tell my mom that she was right#that friends are just friends but she doesn't get that family doesn't feel like family either#and being lonely is a terrible thing#I know i shouldnt step away or stop talking to people simply because I know eventually we wont talk anymore but somedays#its all i can think about just never speaking to any one again cause its easier to be alone than to enjoy the time i have with them before#they move to the next stage of their life and i move to mine
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Tragedy of Spring, a re-imagination of the myth of Hades and Persephone
Gouache on hot press watercolour paper, ~14,8 x 21 cm
A little personal victory, even though I could probably do better in digital... (the understated pleasure of being able to hold your work on your hands though! 😊)
#greek myth#re-imagination of myth#Hades#Persephone#hades and persephone#illustration#traditional art#traditional illustration#gouache painting#gouache#gouache illustration#art only tag#a re-imagination where Hades isn't an asshole#it's spring so his girlfriend just left and he's feeling lonely#so he's being dramatic in front of a carving of Persephone#it's the only thing that has green in the Underworld when she's gone...terribly romantic#anyway scanning traditional art?? terrible affair omg I did my best
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what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.
or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!
and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes
and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you
#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her#but there's just something so tragic about the fact that she married a vile man and suffered abuse to protect her son#just for her decision to hurt him anyways just in a different way but the only other option would probably be Percy ending up dead#so she can't really truly regret it but she just wishes those weren't their only options#that she didn't have to do this just so that her child could stay alive#thinking about it makes me go feral#they had no choice but to suffer there was no way for their lives to be without this much hurt and trauma and it's terrible#and they didn't deserve it but there was so much love too#but the horrible thing is that that love just wasn't enough to save them from all that pain and i need to be sedated bye#percy jackson#sally jackson#pjo#hoo#percy and sally#percy jackon and the olympians#whatever you do don't think about a six years old lonely Percy sitting in a corner waiting for his mom to come back home from work#and he knows she loves him but he misses her so much when she spends so much time in work and that hurts#don't think about a ten years old Percy being sent away to a boarding school and he knows his mom loves him#but what if she's sending him away because he's just too much? or not enough? and what if she doesn't want him anymore?#and he knows that's not true but what if?#i'm thinking it#okay i think that's enough
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The fact that it’s very plausible that jon and martin heard the words “I love you” more from each other during their last months on earth than they did in the entire rest of their lives is kind of sick to me.
#the magnus archives#tma#tma spoilers#tma podcast#martin blackwood#jonathan sims#jonmartin#jmart#like…..is this confirmed?? in any way??? well no#but based on the fact that Martin is outright hated by his mother and was abandoned by his father (+ his whole lonely thing)#and Jon’s whole deal with losing both of his parents and being raised by a slightly resentful grandmother#errrrrrrr#idk!!!#makes me ponder#also#to clarify#’sick’ in a positive sense#I love terrible horrible things that make my stomach hurt when I think about them
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God I need friends…
#personal shit#vent in tags#heart-break blues#been wanting to message my ableist ex all day#it has suddenly turned into wanting to message the woman from cohost who kept threatening suicide whenever she’d talk to me#she’d find other people to talk to when she was okay#she’d suddenly reach out again and it was always to say goodbye#i had to stop adding her back when she unfriended me because I can’t keep doing that#she said she had a huge crush on me but like how do you treat someone like this if you like them that much#and even if it hadn’t been such a mess she lives on another continent and i need people to hang out with in person#not to mention i feel terrible for feeling like my partner isn’t enough but I’ve literally been dumped for being so dependent on my partner#while lonely because of my disability keeping me trapped at home before soooooooooo#luckily i don’t feel too guilty. i think. i am obsessing enough to post but im not in tears#just another thing to add to the pile of reasons I might have ocd
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:|
#seriously the like. not having money and not having a therapist and not having a job and feeling terrible unpredictably#and not having friends or family here and not having any reason to leave the house. and being so reliant on weed to function bc it's#the only medication i have access to for my pain and depression/anxiety that works#has made my tolerance SO high (i had 300mg earlier and it's barely anything. i'm still in bed in pain)#is getting so so so expensive. it makes me so scared. when i go without it it's essentially the same as being unmedicated#i wish health care moved any bit faster. and i wish i had a psychiatrist bc my pcp doesn't wanna prescribe more than zoloft#and it's helpful at keeping me from crying all the time but it doesn't give me any other benefit really so i just feel :x always#i feel like time is pressing down on me like a bug being stepped on and i don't have anywhere to run#and i feel frustrated because im being held in place by pain/illness/fatigue/etc that i'm struggling so hard to get help for#but no one can see any of the things that are holding me here. so they get mad at me and frustrated that i'm struggling so much#idk what to do. i feel like i'm going to alienate everyone i depend on because i can't contribute and can't get answers for them#ahhhhh i wish i had chronically ill friends lol i'm just so lonely all the time i feel less than human TBH
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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#Delete later#Don't read this if you're a fan of kagami cos today I'm feeling livid about her behaviour and actions in s5#Everything that salters claimed alya would be is exactly what kagami was#I feel like the reason I'm so pissed is cos I've had bitches do that to me in my school days too#Marinette gave her so much and this is what she got in return#She had her important secrets told to the person who helped the enemy and whose morals didn't align with hers#She made this girl a fucking superhero and brought her into her friendship group#AND THIS IS WHAT SHE GOT IN RETURN LOL#And the worst thing for me is that I don't see anyone talking about it and being like#Uwu kagami is such a helpless lonely girl uwu#FUCK HER#Don't get me started with the way she bitched at adrien for not standing up to gabriel at the end of s4#She was terrible to both adrinette!!!#Alya and nino deserve a better fanbase#Adrinette deserves a better fanbase#If you're a fan of kagami that's completely fine and you're well within your rights to love her no matter what#But I will forever be pissed at her for this so don't expect any fanart or fics about her from me#I won't draw or write her unless she's needed for a plot or whatever#And don't worry I'm not gonna write salt about her or anything like that#And any of my work that involves her will stay in a positive or neutral light because we don't need more negativity in this fandom#I know this is a long rant but I'm just so annoyed#It just hits close to home for me#Cos I've been in Marinette's position#Lol
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honestly a better through line for all the characters i've liked is probably that they are all terribly terribly lonely
#fish.txt#es pushes everyone away in favor of work though this applies to them less#rods whole thing is that he feels alone and gay#myth loki is well. gestures. everyone they've ever loved was torn away from them or betrayed them and they've cut ties with so many because#above all they'd rather be free. which ironically gets them physically bound until ragnarok#everyone hates maloki heimdallr for being a pissy bitch and even his only friend doesn't truly try to understand him#and then the only people who had gone through everything he had were. his arch nemesis and then the other one died like a week later#and tomoko is terribly lonely and that's a result of so many things and the point is there's something there
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I cant stop thinking abt how my one class has a presentation assignment. It's months away and I'm laying here, fucking heart pounding, and I can't let my mind rest at all bcs it just immediately starts listing everything I could possibly be anxious about
#whenever i stop doing mind numbing things#its like its seizing my heart#WHY AM I IN SUCH A BAD STATE LATELY ITS TERRIBLE#i thought it was bad while i was on break bcs i just felt numb and mindless all the time#but now that im seeing everything I'm gonna have to do in the next months#im just filled with terrible existential dread#i dont know whats wrong with me lately#i need f1 to come back so i can try to have some structure </3#im enjoying my interests rn ig#but theyre not consuming me enough to distract from having an existential crisis#and even being on here feels lonely a lot and it used to feel like more of a comfort#i need an angst tag at this point cause i feel bad how often its happening lately 🥲#catie.rambling.txt
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While it’s been a good few decades since he properly interacted with someone outside the abyss, Aether does miss being around regular people greatly. He misses wandering the world with Dainsleif, before their clashing ideals had parted them. He misses having real company, not the scheming monsters he's found himself surrounded by nowadays.
To this day, Aether will sometimes steal away to peoplewatch. He does tend to avoid families, however, as the mere sight tends to sour his mood for the worse in resentment of how patient he must remain for his sibling to come back to him, to understand his feelings about this world.
#hc; aether (abyss twin)#//There are so so many times he wants to directly interfere and show his sibling the things he's seen#//To directly influence their choices to sway them to his side#//To beg and plead they come with him; leave everything and everyone behind so they can stick together; as always#//As they SHOULD#//But at the same time; he KNOWS it's better they make their own decision#//He's caught them too late; and now they've formed BONDS in that world; from what he's been told. What he's SEEN#//Unless he wants to be the direct cause of their misery and go about eliminating each & every one of them (and OH how he'd been TEMPTED)#//Well#//He's just gotta sit tight and bide his time#//He'll be as patient as he's gotta be; whether he likes it or not#//He'd always been the doting big brother; after all#//Still; it does little to lessen how terribly lonely he gets at times#//Lonely in ways not even the beings he'd hang around in the Abyss could ever hope to assuage#//So he has to make his little escapes and wander; get as close to others as he may dare before ensuring no trace of himself would be seen#//While it helps in the moment; it tends to make him feel all the more bitter about his and his sibling's separation
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I was on the bus earlier and my earring SOMEHOW managed to fall out exactly a minute before my stop, so I was frantically patting down my coat and checking my grocery bag to see if it somehow fell in there already resigning myself to either miss my stop or leave without it, then by some miracle my earring seemed to pop back into existence and bounced to the ground, and the dude sitting across from me (who saw my entire crisis in live time) had the most genuine "You did it!" smile on his face when I triumphantly snatched it off the floor.
#i talk#There's no point to this story I just thought it was a kind of sweet moment#It's just one of those mundane moments that kinda make me go#''Maybe people are ok''#idk I see a lot of terrible things on the daily so whenever I see people just being people it's kinda like a mental reset#like. I dunno#maybe we're gonna be ok#makes the world feel a little less lonely#Anyways they were teardrop Labradorite earrings I got ages ago for super cheap in a fierce eBay bidding war#I'm a MASSIVE Labradorite lover so I would've been really bummed to lose that
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Had a nightmare last night about our brother and it was very very sad and reminded us how much we miss the way we used to be closer as kids. Unfortunately this is also the same sibling that refuses to even admit he is racist and shuts down any conversation that even vaguely mentions or alludes to discussing racism. And he is also the one who got very upset at Juno a few months ago for daring to say they dislike Mr White Man YouTuber "W*ndigoon" (censored for several reasons) profiting off of indigenous culture without even representing the cultural spirit correctly, much less respectfully. (Along with him getting upset that people were simply pointing out racism in D&D, and then continuing as a DM to make up his own racist systems that feature the "savage tribes" stereotypes. Sigh!)
I really doubt we're ever going to be able to get anywhere in connecting with this sibling again, but I will admit that he is the one who yelled at us for putting pronouns beside a name when we were just drawing in our sketchbook when we were 16 and now is questioning his own gender and pronouns so ... progress can be made I suppose.
#What makes this somehow even worse though is that we have been doing more research into M.etis culture again lately#and found out that our culture has its own rendition of the aforementioned spirit#so it is just... salt in the wound. We are trying to reconnect with our culture and our brother is fine to be racist towards it.#It is all so upsetting and exhausting.#We have had to stop saying anything about social justice topics as a whole because things have been getting so much worse at home#and it is so difficult and scary and incredibly frustrating!#We have to just sit there when somebody is being racist because if we try to say anything - no matter how carefully or gently - then#we get into a frankly ridiculous amount of trouble and there is no progress that gets made. So we've had to just stop talking completely.#We simply do not talk much at all anymore. It is too difficult to know what will get us into trouble these days.#It is very lonely and very scary though! And I hate that I cannot do anything to fix this! I cannot help Juno at all and it kills me!#I am just not sure what to do and it is absolutely terrible to be so helpless. I am supposed to care for people and yet I cannot do that.#I just want us to be safe but I cannot find a way to make that happen. It's all just so... I cannot find words for it honestly.#lake posts#abuse tw#racism tw
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oh ronan we're really in it now..................
#trc#until the objects of their affection could no longer stand all the love and washed away......................#i forgot just how terribly lonely he is in this book like reading it u can really tell the toll being on his own is taking on him and the#fact that he tries so hard to deny it and convince himself he's fine being alone when the fears and sadness he feels about it bleed into#everything he does and says. like it really is just constantly playing in the background + the whole thing with destroying adam's dorm room#especially when he wanted to make it work so badly LIKE.........#man......call down the hawk my good friend call down the hawk....u should've been a standalone.......#dreamer trilogy#ronan lynch#ughhghohugh.. the dreamer trilogy that was in my head after cdth dropped i would've done tons of cocaine with u and kept u alive forever 🙏
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#i still struggle to accept what happened‚ and that life has changed. sometimes i wonder if i’m being punished by some great force#for whatever reason. seeing my classmates live their lives so carefree because they can afford to. meanwhile i cannot!#it’s hard. terribly lonely‚ too. i miss my cat and my friends a lot.#there’s a lot of pain in me that i can’t express with anything other than tears. i wish things were back to how they were before.#i really want to move on from everything that happened but it is so hard when its literally the one cause#of all the problems & issues that are causing me anxiety right now.#i am in so much pain‚ and feeling very much alone. please please please may everything work out for the better.#i do not like feeling so stressed and worried all the time. i had a plan but now i don’t know what’ll happen in the future.#it’s freaking me out a lot.#i am just so worried things will turn out poorly. that i will not be okay. please#this is actually exhausting. i thought i was getting better but then that stuff happened and now i am crying more often lol
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i am once again overwhelmed by love for humans as a whole
#just. fuck#oh my god. oh my god. i love humans. i love humans and i love life and i love that i get to be a part of it#it sucks sometimes and there are awful terrible things that happen and im not going to deny any of that#but just. im thinking about all the strangers who've ever been kind to me and im overwhelmed with love#the girl ive never seen before who grabbed me to dance during my last homecoming with the biggest smile on her face#the kid who taught me where to dig for clay in a lake when i was 8 who told me he loved me when i said i had to leave#the stranger at the last show i went to who held onto my shoulder as we jumped and yelled and laughed together#the little girl who came into my workplace today that told me with the most starstruck face that she liked my hair#the older lady who helped me pick up all my things after i dropped them in a park after an incredibly hard day#the trio of teenage boys who played with me on the playground for hours one evening when i was 6 because they saw i was lonely#the random man who bought me the snack i tried to put it back when i realized i didn't have enough money for it#the teen girls who chased off some guy who tried to kick my head in and then ran back to hold my hands and make sure i was okay#fuck. i love people. i love human beings so much.#i love being alive and im so so glad i made it past middle school even though i thought i wouldn't#i get to look at sunsets and sunrises and i get to pet dogs and i get to wade around in lakes and pools and ponds#i get to hug and hold people and i get to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i get to yell and scream in happiness#i get to eat good food and listen to good music and i get to run and jump and dance#i get to see beautiful things and i get to watch strangers live their lives around me and i get to be a part of it all#it's amazing!!! fuck!!!! i get to be a part of it all!!!!!#i love being alive and i love that ive made it this far#i don't know what the future holds but im just so glad im even here at all#sorry about the long sappy ramble and i know this probably looks weird but i could not care less#im just overwhelmed with love for everything
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