#and dont even bother going ‘oh im sorry simon i know that hurts you

[yelloworangesoda]

the worst part about my incredibly low pain tolerance is when people literally don’t believe you. why would i lie

[hazelolive]

So I comissioned @anjchan8 to draw my ocs and I orginally was going to make it into like a devilgram with a short cute fluffy story added to it but! I thought of a way to include it to Kera and Damien’s main story. I absolutely love how it came out and feel it displays exactly how Both Kera And Damien feel at the end of this part of there story. (plus there so pretty like looooooook at em ^_^)

It had been 2 days since Kera had seen Damien and she was growing worried. Sure she was shocked to find out that he wasnt human like her but after that talk she had with mammon she had started to calm down about it. She was still a tiny bit annoyed that he didnt tell her because younger her probably wouldve found it awesome, but slightly more understanding now that there probably was a reason behind him keeping it secret.

She however was worried about her friend. She hadnt seen him in 2 days and any time she asked lucifer were he was hed say something stupid like. That doesnt matter, or kera im busy, please leave my study. Mammon didnt know where he was either. Which made sense because he left to follow her and She hadnt been able to get ahold of Diavolo.

So she was here worrying about the state of her friend and how it must of looked with her just walking out upset and almost crying after he acidently revealed his big secret to her. She had checked the addict twice and even cast a detect magic spell shed learned from Simon just to make sure lulu didnt pull any of his old tricks that he did with Belphy.

But she couldnt find him. She had searched the house of lamentation top to bottom while bothering Luci on mutiple ocassions. But he just wasnt here. She had been pacing the floor for 2 hours now and she was tired of waiting. She grabbed her ddd and decided she was going to storm diavolos castle if she must.

It was a little weird heading to the castle without any of the brothers with her to act as a guide. But luckily she didnt run into any trouble. She entered through the grand doors. She had gotten this but there was a sense of now what? This was a big castle with many rooms probably some of them hidden or off limits she she shouldnt just go exploring.

She decided that she might as well look for diavolo she was about to start her search when she ran into someone. She looked up after letting out a audible umph and saw she had ran straight into barbattos.

"You should be more careful Kera. Wouldnt want you to hurt yourself now would you?"

"Barb! Im sorry about that. I didnt mean to run face first into your chest."

"Its fine im just glad you didnt run into anything less forgiving, like a stone pillar for instance." He said knocking on the one behind him.

She gave off a little nervous laugh. Well this was embarrassing.

"What do we owe the pleasure of this unexspected visit?"

"I need to speak to diavolo. Theres someone im trying to find."

"Aw do you mean your little friend?"

She looked up surprised for a second.

"How did you- wait I shouldnt ask of course you would know."

He just gave off a little amused laugh.

"Right this way."

Kera tentively followed barbatoss, down a few hallways, and a long corridor till he opened the door to a room and on the other side damien sat. horns still on display but he seemed to be in a fresh pair of clothes.

She was relieved to see him and he didnt seem any worse for wear

"Damien! Your alright! Thank goodness." Kera said throwing her arms around him.

"You say that as if you exspected us to harm him." Barbattos said with a small laugh.

"Well not you but I know luci was in the room when I left and I know how he can get. Plus he refused to tell me anything concerning him after the fact. "

"Well I can asure you lucifer or luci as you like to call him was only able to give him a good tongue thrashing. Diavolo made sure of that."

"Can you give him my thanks."

"It would be my pleasure but im sure he'd love to hear from you."

"Alright and Lucifer probably wont admit it himself but he may have been annoyed because of all the paperwork he had to help fill out concerning Damiens sudden Arrival."

"Oh! Is that why he wasnt around for 2 days?"

"Yes, we had to ask him all sorts of questions, like who was he, where did he live before, how did he get here, Where he will be living now, etc. But we finished up all the paperwork this morning and gave him his own ddd so he should be free to go."

"Thank you so much Barbattos. Im sorry you guys had to go through so much trouble."

"It was no trouble at all but im sure you two have plenty to catch up on so ill excuse myself for now." He said giving a slight bow and leaving the room.

As soon as she left she found herself drifting back over towards damien.

"So I see you got yourself a nice new pair of clothes."

He didnt say anything just kept her back to her.

"Damien?"

No response.

She began to worry. Was he mad at her?

She put her hand on his shoulder and he turned further away almost violently.

She was confused but then she heard the tiniest of sniffles. Oh no. She leaned over him to see he was crying.

"Damien! Whats wrong!" She started to panic. He looked fine before but now he was crying and she wasmt sure why.

"Dont Look at me! I cant get them to go away when im like this."

"What are you talking about? Are you talking about your horns-"

"I cant pretend to be human. To be like you when im like this."

"Hey, hey, hey you dont have to pretend to be anything!" She said running around so he could she her.

She looked up and saw him open his tear stained eyes.

"But you said. Your were so upset when you found out what I was. And I was so worried and tired after searching that I didnt have the energy to hide it."

"Hey Listen here." She said as she gently grabbed his face and wiped away some of the tears that had just fallen from his eyes. "I dont care if your a demon. You could be a demon, a human, and angel it doesnt matter to me."

"But you said-"

"Im not done. You could be any of those and it wouldnt change my opinion of you. I was upset and shocked because you never told me and it felt like you didnt trust me or care enough about me to let you in on a big factor of your life."

"It has nothing to do with that! Of course I trust and care about you. I was afraid you hate me that you'd call me a monster and never want to see me again."

"I could never serriously hate you! I love you to much to ever hate you!"

Kera visibly stiffened. What had she just said!?

"You love me?" He said as his last few tears fell.

"No......."

"You love me." He started to smile. "You actually love me."

"Shut up I dont."

"You said it you cant take it back now."

"I said I loved you not that I was in love with you."

"You love me."

"How many times are you going to say that." She started to pout she was embarrassed enough as it was. She didnt mean to say it in the first place it just sort of slipped out. She was glad he stopped crying and was happy now but now she just kind of wanted to hide.

It was her turn to hide her face as he tried to peek around at her blush. He tried seeing her face but every time shed turn some so he was only able to catch glimpses. Well if she was going to be like that.

Without a second thought he scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder. He was just really happy now. He was basically over the moon. He could feel the wicked grin start to spread across his face and was glad that Kera was over his shoulder because she probably would've smacked him for it.

"What do you think your doing!"

"Gee I wonder."

"Put me down!"

"I don't think I will not for a while anyway."

"Do you even know where your going!?"

"Nope."

@butter-beel @anjchan8

[normal-thoughts-official]

Thoughts on rizzy 👀

jdndkdndidndidn ok so if u wanted a rizzy-positive answer...... avert ur eyes

the one thing positive (?) i can say about rizzy is that it really brought us some of the softest raphael moments, but i also lowkey hate that cuz wow, we really got him to talk about his sister, his past, see some of his interests, his softness, his pains, his smiles because of rizzy... so it's all related to rizzy 💀 which is why you might see some gifsets from rizzy scenes in my blog, i think this might have been what brought this on. i enjoy those scenes as scenes that establish raphael's character, but not as rizzy

and shoutout to sh as usual for only bothering with giving a coc depth, backstory, desires and etc when they were someone's love interest and then dropping them like a hot potato. like bro imagine if they had at least bothered with keeping raphael's characterisation consistent? id be over the moon already. if they had actually made him a person like when rizzy was a thing for the whole show on top of that?? fuck i think id explode in happiness

other than that..... i hate everything about it. and like, it being based on addiction aside (which is already, like, bad, but i could maybe ship them in an alternate reality where the addiction wasn't a thing and they were fine if it was only that), the whole thing was literally Izzy Treats Raphael Like Shit And Then Raphael Is Villainized For It

im not even gonna get into the whole "raphael is blamed for the yin fen thing for some fucking reason when that was not his fucking fault and no one questions this" thing because ive done it before and i might explode with rage if i do, lol. that fucking plotline would have never been handled like that if raphael wasn't latino and therefore a predator drug dealer stereotype. but ANYWAY

those are the two things that i see anti rizzy shippers talking about the most, but those are actually not what bothers me the most. what really drives me up the wall and is just vomiting emoji is the way izzy treats raphael. that's the dealbreaker for me and something that never gets acknowledged

like, for starters, raphael was once again shown to be one of the most caring and selfless characters in this piece of shit stupid show, when he saved izzy's life when she was stupid enough to actually go to a vampire den. she had done nothing but be shitty to him and the vampires up to that point, mind you (which some ppl in this fandom treat as like #GirlPower or something) but he still saved her life for no reason other than that was the right thing to do

and then she immediately, the same second, tried to trigger him into drinking her blood. and he kept telling her no and pushing her away and she was literally GRABBING him and slitting her wrist and then he caved, at great personal cost, which she didn't care about

fine

then we get her going after him again, and raphael, again, being the caring and selfless bastard that he is, does something so monumentally kind and dangerous that it still blows me away: he tells her about his addiction

and i know that ppl in this fandom love to act as if every single thing raphael did for the sake of other characters, particularly the shadowhunters and simon, is just, like, expected and no big deal. but raphael didn't owe izzy that. he didn't have to tell izzy that. hell, he didn't even have to save izzy's life when she went to the den, for all he knew it was all a trick or something. and telling her, someone he doesn't even know, a shadowhunter, not only one of his greatest secrets, not only one of his greatest vulnerabilities, but the single hardest and most painful moment of his life, a whole can of worms about his past that he just bared to her just like that, was just. so much. it was such a huge thing that he did for her, okay. and let's not forget that raphael is a private person, both for survival and because he just is

he basically opened up his biggest wound and showed it to her only because it could bring her some sort of comfort. it wouldn't even help her greatly. it wouldn't even change anything about her situation. it would bring just maybe a little bit of comfort and advice, at great personal cost, way greater than the good it would bring her. and he still did it, because raphael cares, especially when he sees someone going through something he went through as well. just so he could tell her that it gets better, that she's not alone. that he understands

and she fucking!! immediately!!!! uses that against him!!!!!! and continues to try to trigger his addiction again and again and again and again!!!! may i just say, WHAT THE FUCK

EVERY SINGLE TIME she tries to get him to drink her blood, it's not consensual, it's forced. he always hesitates, always tries to push her away, always turns his head. and she just pushes him anyway. even after she knows that he's been through this before. that it almost destroyed him. she knows exactly what she's triggering and bringing on, and she! does! it! anyway!!

watching some of the rizzy scenes, particularly the one where they are cooking together, makes me want to cry for him, because it's so obvious that what he's looking for is a deeper connection, someone to trust, to love, and what she's looking for is someone to satisfy her need. and look, i know addiction is terrible. but he's ALSO addicted. and again, i've met plenty of ppl who struggled with addiction, and they were able of, you know, not treating others like this

it drives me crazy! raphael lets her into his home, teaches her how to cook, opens up about the SINGLE SECRET ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT FOR MAGNUS, and generally tries to have a good time with her, and not only does she immediately make his attempt at having a meaningful bonding time about him drinking her blood, but does it RIGHT AFTER HE TELLS HER ABOUT HIS SISTER??? it literally goes "here is my deepest most important secret that pains me greatly and is destroying me inside. oh, i said too much. i should have kept my mouth shut" "i'd rather you didn't *slits own wrist and makes him drink her blood*". like, girl, at least a word of comfort first??? a "you can tell me whatever you like"? an "i'm fucking sorry for your loss" maybe???????????? SHE TREATED HIM LIKE AN OBJECT

and also SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to "i didn't take you for a community service kind of guy", which granted is a minor thing to be upset about in the middle of this shitstorm, but still makes me want to rip my hair off. girl!! he's been doing nothing ever since you first met but helping you selflessly and getting only PAIN in return. like is she for real??? he went out of his way SO many times to help her, when he had NO reason to, not a single one. and she's still like "oh wow raphael cares about others?? im shocked" UDBDIDNDKSMSOSNSOSNSISBSUSBDUDBDIDNDIDNDI ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS

it's really such a revealing moment to me because it really shows that she didn't give any thought about everything he'd done for her. all the endless kindness and care, in the literal sense of TAKING CARE OF, that he offered her without a second thought. she never stopped to think about what it cost him. the fact that he didn't OWE IT TO HER, and thus it says something about his CHARACTER, because he CHOSE to help her. over and over and over again!!! AFTER SHE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN ONCE. it never even crossed her mind! she just took it for granted, like it's what he was supposed to do, or something

and then!!!!!!! even after they go their separate ways!! and raphael is STILL caring for her and making sure she's okay! she decides to betray him one last time and have simon threaten his sister!!! and ill be honest i dont remember the reason for this, but i do remember that it wasn't fucking life and death, so like!!! it was just unnecessarily cruel and shitty of her and the biggest FUCK YOU to him and his trust. AND IT WASN'T NECESSARY AT ALL. like. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and at this point izzy was recovering so it's just like. i get that before that we were literally seeing izzy at her ugliest, she even fought alec and said some shit that she definitely didn't mean at all and that was shitty and hurtful. so like obviously we were seeing izzy in her darkest, worst, most selfish, most hurt. which is why i can maybe cut her some slack for some shit (also i just realized i literally forgot that she straight up THREATENED HIM WITH A KNIFE god there is really So Much To Unpack Here), but at that point? at that point she had no excuse. she was recovering. this didn't even have anything to do with her addiction anyway. she was just proving that raphael's trust, his care, his fucking feelings, they meant nothing to her

like seriously! she could at least have the decency to go, after raphael was very obviously kind and considerate to me, maybe i should not conspire against him and bring forward his most important secret? i don't think i'm asking her for much here

and it also ends a circle of raphael opening up to her and trusting her and she betraying that trust EVERY SINGLE TIME! the literal single only thing he told her that she didn't use against him was his asexuality. which look, thank god, cuz that would have been way too ugly and uncalled for, but the bar is low here

(ok, maybe rizzy gets a shoutout for having raphael's asexuality be treated so naturally. especially coming from such an overtly sexual character like izzy. it was nice to have that. i also think that her whole line about how for the first time sex wasn't a big part of a relationship for her could have been explored in so many interesting ways. like it is obvious that izzy uses her sexuality as a way to gain confidence and prove her value and it would be cool to see that being addressed beyond throwaway lines, maybe talk a bit about hypersexualization of woc. but this is shadowhunters we're talking about so of course nah)

so like okay izzy gets a Not An Aphobe But Still Shitty badge for basically using raphael like he existed to provide her. and in short this is why i can't get into rizzy, not even in a very very alternate reality where it all went different and the way they met had nothing to do with addiction. because she really didn't care enough about him and he deserves so much better than this

and again, i know that izzy was at her damn lowest in that point, but i think that even if she weren't, ultimately their incompatibility still lies there - raphael is too selfless and izzy is not attuned to that. she would take what he offered and not really spare it a thought, even if she didn't mean to like, Use Him (cuz i dont think izzy meant to use him even in canon), like it was just expected. and he wouldn't point that out. and it would be. ugh

and yeah i think that summarizes my thoughts dudndjdn im sorry for the angry very long rant, i just started talking and it all was pouring out suddenly. i promise im not mad, i just...... have strong feelings about this whole thing