#dont just go ‘that didnt hurt’ well. it did. so : | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vaugarde · 26 days

Text

havent seen this take in a while thankfully but it popped up in my head and i wanna post this anyways. i think everyone who talks about how siffrin “got off too easy” at the end of isat and his friends should have abandoned him should go read warrior cats if they want an example of a character using their trauma as their god-given jailbreak card to treat their family and peers (a good amount of whom who were completely innocent) like dogshit, and who faces zero consequences from the narrative for it (and in fact bends over to blame their peers). like read all the shit jayfeather does while the narrative sobs over how tragic but awesome and quirky he is and then look me in the eye and tell me siffrin’s ending was poorly written.

#or look at titania from reborn. what who said that #at least siffrin’s trauma is actually developed and taken deadly seriously by the narrative and clearly isnt being used to excuse his behav #behavior #siffrin does some shitty things in the story but theyre very obviously in a horrible state mentally and physically thats been breaking them #down little by little by little until theyve exploded and broken down. and his family still holds him accountable for what he did #but they stay with him anyways because they love and respect and care about him and are horrified to learn his situation #meanwhile ivypool goes through trauma yeah but shes not really written like a realistic trauma victim #and when she hurts her sister over and over and over and over and over again its always her sister who has to make it up at the end #and we all gotta sob and coo over ivy because shes the fan favoriteand if you criticize her then you hate trauma victims #(ignoring dovewing’s trauma from the situation as well i might add)#while ivy never gets to grow or acknowledge how her attitude is hurtful to herself and others #its just ‘’well dovewing had it better so she better shut the fuck up and deal with the constant emotional abuse ivy throws at her’’#imagine if isat ended with siffrin going ‘’actually im not sorry bc you all havent suffered as much as me’’#and the party didnt object to that at all and they were like ‘’yes we do have it better so youre justified in hurting us #and also you are the most tragic character ever so you cant face emotional consequences ever’’#(and before anyone goes ‘’well dovewing left the clan and ivypool feels bad about that’’ the story doesnt position it as a consequence of #her behavior to her sister. canonically shes leaving to be with her baby daddy and SHES framed as the one hurting her sister #and shes the one whos gotta mend that rift. while the narrative doesnt acknowledge that that situation was partly her sisters fault at all #)#ok sorry for wc on main jumpscare. i wouldve posted over on the blog but i dont think people over there have played isat #echoed voice #isat spoilers

20 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 2 months

Text

ᡣ𐭩 🍓｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

#unrequited feelings are so embarrassing T-T #like idk theres just smth so so shameful and pathetic abt it for me #the person whose voice who feels like a safe haven and that makes my heart feel safe and calm.. feels that with someone else's voice #the person i want to talk to everyday and talk abt our days and share pics and rambles and say gn/gm to.. is doing that with someone else #the person i think of and wanna share myself with.. does that w someone else #the person i wanna know everything abt and ask thousands of question to does that w someone else #the person i wish to talk to with my voice even if that in itself is smth anxious for me.. does that with someone else #just all ofthe feelings i have. all of the wishes i have. about them. they feel and think about another person in their life #idk it just feels so so so humiliating #to long and ache and want for a person and they feel those things mutually with someone else #and itisharder when it wasnt a 100% unrequited crush from the beginning #but in a moment in time many of those things did occur and there was a hope that more would occur #iamlike a snailand it takes longer for me to warm up and i hate that. i hate that im so slow and it takes so long bc like #why am i so scared??? why am i especially scared of things that feel good??? i WANTED all of it but i was too scared for moving quick #and then when my desire was overriding my fear ://// idk... idk ....#i just dont know how i fucked it up but i did #and now having these feelings is humiliating and painful bc they couldve been requited if i hadnt messed it all up #so now instead of feeling smth amazing for the first time in my life im once again stuck with pain #not knowing if it'll ever go away. if i can feel this way for someone else who will feel it for me as well. will i always be alone?#and when u are in love it's also *that* person. i cant just transfer these feelings onto someone else :///#ijust dont know but it all sucks sm and i think abt every fucking day every single second and i wish i didnt feel anything #i wish i didnt feel so deeply bc it hurts too bad #knowing that i couldve had all i dream of and more but i lacked too much and was too scared... fucking hate myself so much bro

14 notes · View notes

orcelito · 4 months

Text

My air conditioning isn't working right, my coffee exploded & burned my finger

Today is not my day

#speculation nation #.... the coffee thing was partially my fault bc i put it in the microwave #but see i didnt put it in for That long (i thought) and it was like #it was totally still when i took it out of the microwave. but i stuck the spoon back in to stir it #and out of nowhere it just fuckin bubbled over. explosively. catching my hand as it did it.#and it didnt hurt that much at first but i still put it under cold water #now that the burn is setting in it Hurts. like this is a pretty solid burn.#and it's 78F in my apartment despite it being set to 73F #and it's the anniversary of the catastrophic pet visit exactly one year ago.#around 1 am it's gonna be the anniversary of my cat's death. :)#so today is. not going my way! haha.#im just trying to get by. trying to relax. got food i was preparing before i got fuckin burned #(i microwaved my coffee bc it got cold and i decided to try drinking it more. i dont even want it now.)#but my finger hurts and i was planning on painting my nails again but idk how well that will work #but i...will Still try... to have an okay day............😭#negative/#animal death ment/

4 notes · View notes

toastsnaffler · 2 months

Text

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

3 notes · View notes

cerealmonster15 · 2 months

Text

i finally made a folder of my google docs re: twst fics/plannings and looking at the names are so fun bc a lot of them i didnt use the final fic name [if it got published] so sometimes it's just a placeholder [especially if it's just notes/ideas and not a fic] and some dont have a title at all and just auto used the first few words of the doc so i have like

i think only like 5ish of these have their ao3 titles on them / on two separate occasions i named an apple juice fic prompt doc the same thing except for literally just one has an extra ! and they were like 2 months apart......... i even checked bc i thought for some reason the doc duplicated themselves but no, those are just two completely different fics, they just both happened to be Apple Juice Kiss Prompts jvdjfdsljg i didnt do that w/any of the other kiss prompt docs but. whatever i guess!!

it's a fun guessing game on looking at the titles and trying to remember which ones they are. they date back to like 2021 when i moved from word docs to google so i could more easily share them with my friend since i wasnt really publishing anything at first lol.

#like i said a good handful of these are planning/notes docs and not fics but #a few are fics that i didnt finish and will NEVER!!! see the light of day!!!#like it's just business little caycay was i think a jade/cater but one of my older fics #based on a convo the friend and i had but #it wasnt very good and i didnt get far/ it wouldve had to be a longer story and i decided i didnt like that one so i never revisited it #i.... dont THINK i ever published 'the boys are at prom i guess'#i think ive mentioned parts of it once or twice but i thhhhink i didnt post it #that's also one of the older ones from my era of just writing the stories for just myself and my friend lol #i think that one's funny but im p sure i specifically havent shared it bc like i said since it was from back when i wasnt posting them #it's much more indulgent in terms of inside jokes and stuff my friend and i had lol #so it's one i just feel like wouldnt land as well with other people bc it might be confusing #prince eppa stuff isnt on ao3 but i did end up posting those here in a tumblr only post #so are some of the caterella notes i think #and maybe the cater/leona things LOL some of those are fics but i think one or two are just notes #that i found one day and i was like wadda hell why did i keep writing about them together #bc i cant be in denial man i just like writing caycay with everyone it's fun lol #i do like opposites 😑#i think only 2 of these are wips. or like 2 are wips and then i think they both have notes docs?#KATGRR def is spliit like that but the treycay hurt comfort might have its notes in the same doc idr #either way. it is there. i havent forgotten my boys im just hfhwhfehwf #im in a state. going through it as they say.#i also got JUMPSCARED by a solomon/asmodeus obey me fic i started and never touched again bc i got embarrassed or something #sometimes the shame wins. fsdjkfljsdklghlkj #the thing is i didnt even read it i just went AHHH and backed out. so i dont remember WHY i got embarrassed the first time but #i remember the feeling. i dont even thing the content was like particularly wild i just have issues sometimes :p #i think i was just stressed trying to write for characters id never done before #looks anxiously at my kaveh/alhaitham fic notes that im scared to try to start............................#twst i at least eased into by doing it just with my friend at first. but even then ive felt embarrassed lol #and some ive even published i look back like hhnnnnmm maybe that one wasnt so good LOL BUT I WONT TAKE THEM DOWN #theres nothing specifically bad about them just. yknow they cant all be winners lol

4 notes · View notes

juniestar · 3 months

Text

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night #im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an #d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me #mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi #tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon #d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not #to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time #his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie #ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told #to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA #times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses #to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to #a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what #he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p #rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go #into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are #not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee #n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro #ving that right all the time #it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts #oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac #he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from #our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud

2 notes · View notes

devilzfruit · 4 months

Text

i just napped for like 4 hrs. uh. hello.

#logbook #did my half day ate lunch and then was like. i'll go rest at rents while they're out and about.#ended up napping. knew it was happening once i couldnt keep my eyes open but i swear i set an alarm. now its after 7.#i bet exes arent home. havent heard anything. and if i go home i'll have to watch the dog til they come back.#'just leave him crated' he'll whine and cry bc ofc he knows i'll be home. and i dont have space for him in the room rn.#but he also deserves to be out and spend time. and i love spending time with him.#idk that whole mentality of 'not your animal' pisses me off bc when you live with someone elses pet they sort of DO become your pet.#like sorry but you share the space. i dont pay vet bills or buy food but i do actually feed fhem. and walk him #sometimes. and i spend time with all 4. i take leia outside to smell the air. and i nap with them #the cats and the dog snuggle me and greet me at the door. i think they know i'm leaving bc theyve been sooo affectionate.#and also half of these problems wouldnt exist with them if it wasnt negative towards me or i still slept in the bed lol #im going to miss them so much it hurts. . .and i know its going to affect them bc it did with the puppies and it has with emira.#didnt mean for this to become a sad log yet here we are. sigh.#so much for my half day. i was going to game and plan out house stuff but. oh well.#my body probably needs the rest anyways.

3 notes · View notes

vilelittlecritter · 2 years

Text

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

26 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

Text

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

9 notes · View notes

orcelito · 1 month

Text

All these new fic for the reverse bangs and im sitting here like Man I'd love to read these. I got naruto, though. 🫡 I'll get to them eventually

#speculation nation #and what time im.not spending on naruto im spending writing #or uh. getting my blood drawn. 10 of them. 10 whole blood.#real talk that fucked me up actually. like i talked big to the nurse like 'oh ive donated blood before i'll be fine'#but what i failed to think about was the fact that donating blood also fucked me up #im a small person with a sensitive constitution. my body dont like it.#so i was out of commission for a day and well now im uh. i dont even know. ive been crocheting today.#trying to write bc im on a strict deadline 💀💀💀💀 i will make it. i will. im determined to.#school starts in a week tho Augh and i have psychological testing (4 HOURS) AND my dentist appointment on the SAME. DAY.#tuesday babeyyy whatup. it's gonna suck.#tomorrow i have to shower and do laundry. at the minimum. bcus then theres tuesday and THEN i have a haircut on wednesday #getting my side shave yessssir. going to an actual place rather than just greatclips again . lol.#ummmmm all that considered i might request to not have a driving thing this week. too much shit to do.#wahh wahhh so many appointments. and i am NOT going to get a good grade in flossing.#why didnt i start flossing sooner than this. at least it doesnt hurt as much as it did yesterday. i still wont be ready in time tho.#oh well tomorrow i have to be productive. i need to watch less naruto. no not even with itachi and sasuke fight. not even then.#im just gonna lie down in. the dirt now.

3 notes · View notes

the-trans-dragon · 1 year

Text

Rendered inert by the crushing of fear of doing things with mediocre skills rather than with precise perfection and efficiency -> Rendered inert hesitant by the realization that I am being Very Visibly Autistic by doing things with precise perfection and efficiency -> just accepting that everyone is looking at me and thinking "oh my god, I didn't know we had THAT kind of weirdo in our community. We need to make that kind of person illegal" which *isn't true* but it's way easier to cope with, than trying to to convince myself that most people are neutral and busy being the protagonist of their own lives and not thinking about writing a memoir titled "This Fucker Is Ruining My Life By Existing Near Me: Plotting Their Demise"

Haha sorry that was just gonna be silly and lighthearted but i lost my way and ended up in Brain Troubles Land <3

#sorenhoots #hm :) i was making good progress on my Social Fears until my state nefariously and purposefully wrote bills to make my wellbeing illegal.#god. i dont know why i keep forgetting they do that. like ive watched them do it to...well...people without citizenship. my state is Extra #Passionate about No Immigrants. >:( and i didnt *forget*... its just hard to make coffee or go buy water while actively *remembering* the #manmade horrors beyond my comprehension. and then its like 'you are being paranoid. not everyone in the store is wishing you were dead.' and #like. true! not everyone. but #someone might be. and it might be someone with the power to make it happen. i mean theres at least ONE person like that here. someone #wrote that bill. and okay maybe 80% of people are neutral about me and not actively wanting to illegalize my wellbeing. but *NEUTRAL*#people can be just as deadly. the neutral people wont fight for me. and so i guess i KNOW that 'not everyone in the grocery store feels #self-righteous disgust at my existence' but it feels like it doesnt matter. it feels like things would be the same even if they did.#neutrality feels like...exile. so maybe its just easier to say 'everytime i leave the house- someone makes me feel unsafe and like a plauge #of humanity' than to explain why neutral intentions hurt if they allow my rights to be taken.#pfff. if ONLY i was *just* a plague of humanity. my entire local society would accept me with open arms! theyd publicly shame anyone who #didnt support me! theyd FIGHT laws restricting my capacity to exist!#ugh. cmon brain. theres good stuff in thr world. look. a fucking flower. goddamn. that is a fucking good flower. im so glad to exist at the #same time as flowers. theyre pretty new! fairly recent #especially compared to photosynthesis or multicellular life. thanks for existing little flower.

4 notes · View notes

zemnarihah · 10 months

Text

man

#i went to go see my dad bc his mom died this morning. and he was like clearly having a hard time with it i think more so than he was really #letting on. and its weird bc i was telling erik how it feels like nowadays this is like. a different version of my dad like it really doesn #feel like the same person who traumatized me and my siblings growing up. that feels like a ghost almost idk. but he was talking to me abt #his mom who from the little bits ive gathered here and there i can assume she was pretty emotionally abusive to him. but he said.#'my mom definitely made a few mistakes with me. but i have to try to move on and live my life as best as i can'. god i felt like i was #looking in a mirror. he seemed so sad it was like he was trying to convince himself. and trying so hard not to be mad even though he has #every right to. but i guess at a certain point you do have to let it go. idk. i guess i never really see him be very vulnerable except when #it comes to the church. he did talk about the church as well he said that as much as she mistreated him hes grateful she gave him faith in #god and that he thinks thats the most important thing a parent can give their child. and i didnt rlly know what to say ig mostly i was just #letting him talk. but god. it was hard. i hope maybe this is like.his chance to let go of all the hurt from his childhood. that he gets to #finally grieve it along with her. idk.#i feel like my view of my father gets more complicated every year i get older. i just dont always know how to reckon with it.

3 notes · View notes

strwbrymlkshake · 2 years

Text

ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid

#mine #🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck #me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once #crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating #me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know #ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions #why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why #im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate #me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we #be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou #maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and #my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant #we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts #my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know #i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good #the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post #is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably #this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while #it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them

8 notes · View notes

autisticlee · 1 year

Text

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

6 notes · View notes

snekdood · 2 years

Text

Bitches on here be like "haha! I read this callout about you and i told everyone around me to ostracize you and ignore you and the reason you're alone is divinely orchestrated karma, of course, surely not me and my hand in manipulating people to hate you, surely this is some sort of divine intervention and not a smear campaign that i try to justify my actions with "its gods will" with"

#do yall ever consider the karma *YOU* will acquire for treating me this way over someone elses lies about me?#bc something tells me whatever im going through rn. that you think i shoulda killed myself over... well babe.#i got some bad news for you and how karma works. lmao #and oh baby it hurtsm oh mam am i just suffering so hard.#my body aches all the time. i dissociate constantly.#well. when it happens to you and you're all alone with no support yknow.... hope you figure it out :/#hope the karma doesnt hit you too hard :/#at least im strong enough to not let all of this shit make me go fully insane. doubtful for yall tho lmao #and im going to give just as little fucks about yall writhing in your mental agony as you have for me :)!#oh and uh. dont think karma will be light on you just because 'you didnt know you were being lied to 🥺'#aww.. poor you... but anyways yeah when you fuck w someones life even if you realize you did it over someone elses lie... kinda feel like #you're not gonna get out of hurting someone else so much that easily. kinda feel like thats not gonna happen for you.#kinda feel like the energy is eye for an eye not eye for an acknowledgement of your actions and regretting them.#but who knows. i guess it really depends on who you are. how sorry you actually am. how much you understand what you did and how you hurt #someone. all of that sorta stuff will decide how bad your karma is.#so ig. hopefully its nothing too bad !

2 notes · View notes

emulation-0 · 2 years

Text

doctors are seriously the most insane people ever

#i remember 2 years ago i had to go to the emergency room for a really bad ear infection #the doctor was a white lady who took one look at me and my mom and assumed we didnt speak english and even after we told her we did #she said everything slowly and carefully like we didnt understand anything. 'im going to listen to ur heartbeat. do you understand? 🥺'#YES go to hell #and then she commented on my bra size 💀#she got those sticks and told me to open my mouth wide and i. could not do that. because my ear hurt so fucking bad #and she was like 'well we can do this the easy way or the hard way so why dont you just open your mouth? 😊' ??????? hello????????#girl is threatening me over being in pain... and then she literally yanked my ear this way and that and asked if it hurt. bestie what #anyway #aricouldyounot

3 notes · View notes