#and finally give us an Asian historical doll

[arcadialedger]

Mark my words, now that they’ve done the 1990’s the next historical American Girl doll is going to be a Muslim girl living in the wake of 9/11.

Because, as the recent SNL sketch pointed out, we have to give these girls trauma.

[doll-collecting-aerialist]

If I Was In Charge of AG:

Historical Line:

I wouldn’t necessarily bring back all the Historical characters. I feel like some characters haven’t stood the test of time, and rightfully reside in the vault. Felicity’s stories are incredibly dismissive to the presence of slavery, Maryellen’s gloss over disability and 1950s racism, Courtney is Courtney, and Julie is Julie. I would pull back all the characters in a world where that wouldn’t loose AG thousands, and keep the few that do stand the test of time (Kaya, Josefina, Caroline, Marie Grace, Cecile, Addy, Samantha, Nellie, Rebecca, Nanea, Melody, Ivy, etc..). The other characters (who aren’t bad, don’t get me wrong), would be reworked so the line was more diverse. Each character would at least have meet accessories, a bed, a second outfit, and pajamas, as well as any “staple” accessories from their books, that would always be available.

GOTY Line:

I feel like the GOTY line had its hay day in the 2010s, but I wouldn’t get rid of it completely. I’d bring back the exclusivity, however, well selling dolls like Luciana would get moved to a contemporary line at the end of the year, where they would receive a new meet outfit and accessories. This would get rid of dead weight (cough cough Blaire and Kira cough cough) that AG seems to be struggling with with their new three year retirement system, while keeping in the dolls that are giving them money.

Truly Me:

The Truly Me line is both genius and stupid. The idea of a blank slate doll is alluring, but the practice of it is chaotic, especially when these dolls are marketed as supposedly being in resemblance to the owner (even if AG is trying to abandon this, it’s still heavily implied). I feel like it’s also difficult to represent most groups of children with only fifteen-twenty available dolls. I’m not quite sure how one would go about fixing this issue, in an ideal world, I’d suggest replacing Truly Mes with the CYO line, but that’s not very practical.

I do like the theming AG has taken on in recent years, although using child influencers rubs me the wrong way. I think it could be cool to instead use older teen and adult role models, and every “season” could introduce a new profession with a new set of role models, with a new collection designed by them. Perhaps there could be a new book series introduced in addition to the smart girls guide series, where it talks about different professions, and how to get there!!

In terms of representing children with disability, I don’t think it’s completely fair that most of the disability related accessories are an additional price. I feel like any medical related set could be 25%-50% off when purchased with a doll, just so it’s a bit more fair for those who want to see themselves represented, but don’t have a lot of money in addition to the $120+ they’re already spending on a doll.

CYO Line:

Alright, AG needs more face molds. Like, desperately. And not just used for one doll and then thrown away. We need more than one Asian mold (let’s face it, the sonali mold has been co-opted as another mold for black characters, and I don’t see AG bringing back the number #4 mold as it’s a bit controversial). We need a molds with more pronounced noses that is not the josefina mold. We need molds that explicitly represent mixed ethnicities (Jess and Addy mold crossbetween??), etc etc you get the point.

We need more eye color options, I could see the old style green eyes doing really well, as well as a couple extra shades of brown. I feel like freckle patterns would also be an easy thing to expand on, at least the very least offering different colors of freckles to choose from (red?? darker brown??). AG could also probably find a market in adding more common skin conditions (vitiligo, scars).

I feel like AG could very easily add limb difference options to the CYO GUI. Options for no limb or half a limb, a prosthetic or no?? Idk, I just find it a bit stupid that they’re relying on third party charities to provide representation, when brands like OG have figured themselves out.

Finally, more hair options. Why is there only one textured wig option?? Would it be that difficult to add a medium length textured wig, or a textured wig with bangs? Can we get a curly style about the same length as the straight pixie cut they offer? Also, I’d add a star rating system for parents based on how much of a pain each wig is to take care of, aha.

[voidsettle]

The Byzantian Istanbul

                                                                                                                April 2018

The trip promised to be weird from the very start. My other friend just coming back from Istanbul. People I wouldn't dare imagine together hopping on board the company. Health issues I kept from my last trip, meddling with my walking ambitions. It all drowned in sweet black tea between the minaret spires.

Suleymaniye Mosque, medrese, view on Bosphorus

Immersing Quaint Serenity

The older I get, the more inventive ways of getting to the final destination I develop. This time I experienced flying from a different city, with additional thrills of leaving home early the day before, spending the night at a friend's place and meeting half of my company at the airport (who took the train from Kiev to Kharkiv).

I must admit I thoroughly hate airplanes. My vestibular apparatus gives me the chills every time we take off - and especially as we land. I still have nightmares about a flight to Georgia, when our plane was caught in a storm and we couldn't land for nearly an hour, finally forcing the crew to fly us to Tbilisi instead of Kutaisi. What a ride that was!

Well, this one was better, though not by much. Naturally, having a sleepless night before the flight was a bad idea - but neither me nor my mom could resist the temptation. The friend who sheltered us for the night has the most peculiar hobby among all of my acquaintances (and that including a colleague who's into clay crafting and my own fascination with quantum mechanics): she collects, restores and renews vintage-to-antique dolls.

By the end of her tour over quite an impressive collection we felt as though we got our share of wonder for the trip. Next morning, getting up was an experience straight from hell - I muttered and grumbled through my morning coffee. Added my inability to walk properly and a severe cold I was holding back, Istanbul wasn't the experience I was looking for.

That is, until we finally arrived, left our bags and left for a late afternoon walk. The charm of Istanbul captures you even before you see its magnificent sights. It's not the modern gloss that gets your attention first, nor the minarets that you definitely use for locating yourself in a big city, neither the Roman aqueduct subtly leading your gaze to the historic downtown. It all starts with the small street vendors selling fruits and even smaller cafes that serve almost exclusively coffee in tiny porcelain cups. I have rarely seen women in such street cafes; it's mostly reserved for older men who spend their time over steaming cups, cigarettes and small talk.

For Turkish coffee, finely ground beans are of utmost importance - and no filtering! Coffee is served with the sediment, and it is traditionally strong. Turkish coffee is served in kahve finjanı, a tiny porcelain cup usually standing in an intricate metal holder. A nice souvenir from Istanbul for coffee maniacs like myself.

Suleymaniye Mosque, Istanbul

But, of course, there is this unique feel about the Turkish architecture and urban planning. Walking down the hill, Istanbul is just a large bustling city, but the enclosed gardens beside the mosques give off the authentic serene atmosphere perfect for silent contemplation. Suleymaniye mosque is probably the most prominent for catching the glimpse of how it used to be couple hundred years ago, with the meditatively slow pace of life and dignified discussions among the pundits. I believe that's the reason why, for me, the cascading roofs of Suleymaniye medrese most associate with the Muslim Istanbul.

The Three Circles of Constantinople

Hagia Sofia, Istanbul

Istanbul is one of those cities that possess a complicated character reflecting their long influential history. Starting as the city of Constantine, the capital of the Eastern Roman Empire, it was succeeded by Ottomans and then transformed into a modern city bearing along the invasive European influences. Consequently the city is built in circles that show its growth through the ages.

The first circle is based around Hagia Sofia, the former Orthodox Christian cathedral turned mosque that bears the title of the epitome of Byzantine architecture. Its large dome is a marvel in itself - looking up at it from the ground, it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that it was built in 6 AD. The preserved frescoes and modern art installation add to the massive charm of Hagia Sofia. But what impressed me most were the reared stone floors. The slabs are uneven and shiny from the many centuries of use, and parts of them sink in a way that make our anxiety peak. Despite the massive size, it gives the thrilling sensation that the whole construction can skid and slump if you set your foot in the wrong place.

Hagia Irene, Constantinople

Beside Hagia Sofia, there's another monument of the antique Byzantine Empire, Basilica Cictern. The vast underground space used for storing water delivered via Valens Aqueduct was an important part of the city's infrastructure, and today is a curious, moist and cool place to visit. Add the former hippodrome before the Blue Mosque and Hagia Irene near Topkapı Palace, and you have the first circle of Constantinople.

Visiting Hagia Irene wasn't initially on my must-see list, but I sure as hell don't regret it. Lacking the crowds of Hagia Sofia (oh, the lines!), this cathedral preserves the unique spirit of solemn tranquility that you get from Roman architecture - only this one is clearly Byzantine. The amphitheater located in the apsis at the far end of the nave gives off such strong ancient vibes that it feels like a lost link between Roman and Romanesque architectural styles.

Second circle of Istanbul clearly dates to the Ottoman empires and gives the city its obviously Muslim appearance. The muezzins will wake you up early in the morning if you're a light sleeper. The minarets are useful to guide your way through the city - and also to tell the mosques apart.

Blue Mosque has 6 minarets, an unprecedented case; Hagia Sofia proudly bears 4, and most of the smaller mosques have 2.

The palaces of Topkapı and Dolmabahce offer a glimpse into the life of Ottoman royalty. Personally, I was fascinated by the famous Iznik tiles and liked the seral chambers, but the Topkapı Palace left me unimpressed for the most part. But the Turkish bazaar is a cultural experience not to miss: an idiosyncratic trading tradition with impressive set of goods from spices (go to Egyptian Bazaar near New Mosque) to sweets and from clothes to dinnerware. The Grand Bazaar that reflects its name spectacularly covers not just several blocks but is a city in itself. You can easily get lost in the winding labyrinth of narrow streets running up and down, turning, encircling and closing in dead ends.

Dowager Queen chambers, seral, Topkapı Palace

And then there's the final, third circle of Istanbul that defines the city as one of the modern centers of culture and trade. This one is vast and encompasses both European and Asian parts of the city, spanning across Boshoprus.

Galata Tower, Istanbul

This part of Istanbul was pure delight. It was fun riding one of the oldest subways in the world. It's short, and it used to be taken uphill by the horses. Under the ground. How is that not amazing. And then there's a historic tram that goes all the way along Istiklal Caddesi (basically Independence Avenue) - unfortunately, due to the crowds, the didn't get to ride that one.

The street itself is of huge interest - aside from the many, many shops, boutiques and cafes of all sorts, it also has European architecture and even churches and cathedrals due to the fact that this part of the city was the location of European trading districts. I fancied the Church of Saint Anthony of Padua due to its location and a curious twisted iron monument of Christ on the cross at the entrance.

As this part of Istanbul is situated on a steep hill, the streets are peculiar and distinct. The branching narrow streets up and down the hill open your eyes to shopping galleries and cozy cafes with pacifying views over the Bosphorus neck. But if there's no time to spend, the Galata Tower is that one site to look for.

Tulips, Tea and the Big Water

Tulips in Fatih, Istanbul

Part of the reason why we chose April to visit Istanbul was due to the tulip irruption the city is famous for. There is something about this simple flower that grand empires just can't resist.

Even tea in Istanbul is traditionally served in small glasses of a rather specific form that reminds a tulip.

Flowers in April, even if its windy and grey, is exactly the reminder of a close spring that revives the senses after a long winter dream. Tulips can be found throughout the city at this time of year, but the Gülhane Park is the real deal. Whatever color you think, there are tulips of that and its shades, at times mixed with others. The lakes of tender blue grape hyacinth intermingle with the vast seas of heavy-headed roses, gentle slopes covered in multicolored breath of spring. Due to health condition and the fact we've been walking the whole day, I could barely stand on my feet, which didn't stop me from anchoring to my friends and limping along the alleys with tears of wonder in my eyes. Or maybe that was the wind in my face.

Seeing all we came to see and having our last evening in Istanbul, there was one last combo to try, Bosphorus and black tea. As major cities standing on water tend to do at the lack of bridges, Istanbul offers half-touristy water transport that takes you on a short trip upstream the Bosphorus. It makes stops along the way, serving in part as public transport, and also takes you from the Western, European to Eastern, Asian part of the city. But by far the best part of these boats is that they serve tea along the way. You could find no public more appreciative than us, cold and tired after a long chilly walk. I literally lost count of the hot cups I had. Along with beautiful skies reflected in the restless waters, the night lights of the big city and the glimpses of the sites we didn't have time to visit (like eerily lit Bosphorus Bridge, Maiden's Tower surrounded by waves and Rumeli Hisarı fortress cascading down the hill), it's one of the warmest memories I have from Istanbul.

Rumeli Hisarı (Boğazkesen Castle) fortress on the bank of Bosphorus

What to see:

Valens Aqueduct

Suleymaniye Mosque and Medresesi

New Mosque

Egyptian (Spice) Bazaar

Grand Bazaar

Blue Mosque

Hagia Sofia

Basilica Cictern

Gülhane Park

Hagia Irene

Topkapı Palace

Istiklal Caddesi

Galata Tower

Church of Saint Anthony of Padua

What to eat:

Turkish coffee

tea (black and sweet)

sweets (honeyed baklava and rahat lokum)

kebap (grilled meat in whatever way you can imagine)

döner (specialty fish, fresh from Bosphorus)

bulgur pilavı (oatmeal side dish)

cacık (fresh cucumbers side dish)

In short

The Blue Mosque was under reconstruction; pity

The ambiguous tripartite spirit of Istanbul is hard to grasp; but as you learn to know the city, it grows on you, and later you start seeing its traces in places throughout the world. The city uniting West and East, the city of contrasts, the city of reference. Istanbul is surprisingly young for the elder of its age.

[i-am-always-lost]

Day 25 | Yokohama

I have been planning to go to Yokohama ever since the first week I've been in Tokyo.

For some reason, that iconic (for me at least) Ferris wheel from Honey and Clover has always been in my head since 2007. I don't even think it's the one from Yokohama but that started my fascination for Ferris Wheels. I've never even been on a proper one. I think the only one I've been on is the two story high one in Sunway Pyramid. PLEASE DONT LAUGH AT ME!

Been putting it off because I know it requires a full day and I don't get many full days. Because I waste my full days on studying (this is for my parents)! Yay! Plus it's bloody far away. It takes 1.5 hours and FOUR lines to get from the nerimatakanodai station to yokohama. But believe it or not, there is a direct train. It changes automatically. Color me surprised because my station is small, obscure and very far away. It goes from the seibu Ikebukuro line -> Fukutoshin metro -> Tokyo Tokyu metro (passing by Shibuya) and one more which I forgot to get to Montomachi Chuukagai (China town stop). You never know who would google this. Hello to Kyoko's future homestay guests!

Of course, Ferris wheel obsession aside, I was attracted to Yokohama for an entirely different reason.

Pilgrimage no 2!!

For those of you watching Bungou Stray Dogs (probably only two of my friends), you will know that it's set in Yokohama. It's a beautiful seaside town - bad description- one of the oldest and major ports in Japan. It is heavy with infrastructure yet beautiful in its own way. Other people know it as the place where the ramen museum is located. I know it as a port area.

tl;dr: No regrets coming here but might have regretted going to the ramen museum earlier than expected. Covered MOST of the places from BSD.

But you wouldn't want a tl;dr when you just clicked 'Read More', don't you?

How did I travel around?

I painstakingly planned out all locations according to a Crunchyroll article screenshots of the real life comparisons with the anime ones. SHOUTOUT TO YI EN BC I couldn't access the website in Japan. Okay, it didn't take that long and it was pretty fun. I ended up walking all over Yokohama though because of bad planning on my part. Also I got distracted by the ramen museum so I ended up missing one hour  of daylight.

Some fucked up route I took

For some reason, I stayed on past Yokohama and went all the way to Chinatown, which cost like 210 yen more! My brain thought that it would be the easiest starting point (which it was) so I went there. It was dead empty on a 9:30AM Wednesday morning, no doubt. Shops were opening slowly but pretty much no sign of life. So I decided to stand in the middle of the street to take a photo. TIP: Do not do this. There might be cars.

Got the shot!

Unfortunately, I couldn't see many similarities aside from the sign. I might have been at the wrong entrance as there are a number of entrances. The one in the anime has red poles and they have different store fronts surrounding it. Oh well!

Walked in Chinatown for a bit and saw tian hou gong. Pretty Chinese of them to have it right smack in the center of China town, lol! 

After that, I went to the park (you can observe the “logical” sequence)

The view from the deck was so amazing. You can see the Yokohama view and bridge from here. I didnt knew how to take less shitty photos though.

There was a flower garden near by as well with a nice fountain.

This is near the exit of the park where the girl wanted to surrender her crimes to the nearest police station from the anime.

Motomachi shopping street. This street looks quite fancy with all the fancy shops along the street. Even the roads look like they are right out from an anime. But you can see its very European-esque.

After that, I walked past this doll museum so I just went in randomly. It was 400 yen and the dolls were pretty creepy looking. The museum was designed like a huge, pink dollhouse! 

Entry ticket

Historical japanese dolls where they displayed dolls according to their geographical regions of Japan. They had international dolls too. The Malaysian one was in some traditional Malay outfit lol.

After that, I walked along the pier to get to the bay area where the ferris wheel and brickhouse was located.

Inside the brickhouse place was a shopping area! One of the shops that was interesting was this fake food shop. Look at the toasts!!! 

I bought a piece of salmon! It found its permanent spot on my bag pack now hehe.

Ferris wheel scene near one of Yokohama’s theme park. You will definitely see it near the pier.

Not quite the angle but trust me, this was the best I could get.

Yokohama’s Customs (Queens tower)

Okay. I walked past this building before heading to the ramen museum so the sequence is a little messed up. Honestly, I shouldnt have went to the Ramen Museum if I wanted to take good photos in the day but I still went anyway! 

The Ramen Museum near the Ferris Wheel (apparently there’s a nicer and larger one at Shin Yokohama which i HIGHLY regret not going to because of time constraint - I really should have skipped dinner that night) was pretty good, but I wouldnt waste my time if i were you and just go to the one at Shin Yokohama. At the very least, I got to customized my own Ramen cup and learnt a little about the Ramen history! Nissin is the main brand if you wondering. I never knew it was Japanese from the packaging when I used to see it at the local Asian grocer.

The interior looks damn nice and atas ok,

Vending machines for you to get empty cups. Customized ones are about 300 yen each!

This is how it looks like pre cooked.

After this experience, I think I’m a Nissin convert now. (They actually have laksa flavours at Hometown (Elizabeth Street near my Melb apartment) 

OKAY. SORRY FOR THE DETOUR (maybe I should do a two parter...)

The Yokohama Port Opening Memorial Hall.

I know this is a horrible photo but all my other photos could barely be seen due to the direction of the sun!! I took this photo around 4pm and the sun was so setting so quickly. This was when I realized I should have planned my whole pilgrimage better. Wasted too much time at the Ramen Museum.

Museum of History and Culture of Kanagawa Prefecture, Yokohama

As you can see, the skies are getting darker with every photo heh. 

The police station featured in the anime!

(this is the photo with the Kevin filter - wanted to give it the orange tinge. The sun was setting when I took this photo but it didnt hit the building :( )

Yokohamabashi Shopping District.

I remember the moment when I finally reached this street - it was such a long day and it was getting so dark at merely 5:30 (fuck winter, seriously), and I felt so relieved that I found most of the places featured on Crunchyroll! Sadly, I didnt get to find the bridge shot and the pier, plus the big longkang featured in episode 1. But I’m happy enough.

Inside the shopping street. 

It’s pretty old in comparison to the Motomachi shopping street and it is mainly selling food stuff - its like a market!

After that, I took the train home. I was lucky enough to only switch twice tbh! I was on the same train that automatically switched lines 4 times (i love Japan for almost 30 stops. The train ride was like 90 minutes long and I even made it back for dinner.

Yokohama is seriously one of the nicest, prettiest places in the world. I think I just personally love ports (Docklands, Yokohama, Port Klang (lol jk)) because of that fantastic ocean view in contrast with the city skyline.

ugh bring me back pls

If you have the chance, go to Yokohama or Kanagawa or just fucking both bc the views are definitely worth. Pictures cannot describe the feeling that you will experience. I promise that it will be worth it.

One day, I’m going back to Yokohama to complete my pilgrimage.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I'm super pissed about the first boy doll being white AND using Kaya's mold, but the good news is the next two dolls are most likely going to be POC (their names are Luciana Vega- both of those names are Spanish- and Nanea Mitchell- Nanea's a Hawaiian name). There's also a rumor there will finally be an Asian BeForever doll in 2018, so thankfully Tenney and Logan are probably the last white dolls for a while.

I just hope people call them out on Logan using Kaya’s mold and they publicly apologize. (I know it’s unlikely, but I can dream they’ll at least do SOMETHING to apologize for this giant fuck up, even though there’s nothing they can do to actually make up for it short of retiring Logan and maybe - maybe - releasing a version of him with the classic mold, if they want to have a white boy doll that badly.)

As for the next dolls being PoC, I really, really hope so. Luciana Vega sounds like the sort of name they’d give an 80s historical to me for some reason, so I’m thinking that’s what she’ll be. Either that or we’ll get an Asian 80s doll. (I just really don’t want the 80s doll to be white tbh, I don’t care what race she is so long as it’s not white… although finally having an Asian doll would be fantastic. And after that, I’m hoping for a Harlem Renaissance girl. They considered doing one as far back as the 90s, why the hell don’t we have one yet?) As for Nanea, I think she’ll be a modern girl.

[useyourrwords]

Month in Review // The Month From Hell – March

This month has given me more breakdowns than I can count.

So maybe it’s not the single worst month I’ve ever lived but honestly, it’s pretty high up there!

Between a car accident, still going through the mess of changing names, pain, oh so much fucking pain, a new doctor who doesn’t know how to help me, and an altercation I wish to just forget, I’m just about ready to hide under my blankets and never leave my room.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option and so I am sitting at me desk at work writing this instead.

If you would like to buy any of the following books please consider using my Book Depository Affliate link!

         Month’s TBR

│The Dream Thieves││

│Skylarks││

│The Surface Breaks││

│The Female of the Species│││

│Sharp Objects││

│Blue Lily, Lily Blue││

│Truly Devious││

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses││

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads││

     Read

│The Surface Breaks│Lousie O’Neill│││││★★★★│Read Mar 13│

This book was so unapologetically feminist, I loved it.

│The Dream Thieves│The Raven Cycle #2│Maggie Stiefvater│││││★★★★★│Read Mar 25│

I think I jumped into this book too quickly after finishing the first so it took me a while to get through it but I got there eventually.

│Truly Devious│Truly Devious #1│Maureen Johnson│││││DNF Mar 22│

I don’t think fiction audiobooks are for me! at least not ones I haven’t already read. I’m switching to Non-Fic/memoirs and I’ll try rereading a fave eventually to see how I go with that.

│I’ve Got This Round│Mamrie hart││││

After realising ficiton audiobooks weren’t for me I needed a win so I returned Truly Devious for this because i love Mamrie and there’s no way I wouldn’t love this. I was right.

│Skylarks│Karen Gregory│││││

I’ve just been super invested in this one. I don’t know if it’s because i wasn’t reading it regularly since I normally read ARCs while I’m exercising…and I’ve not been exercising like at all this month. I don’t know. I’ll give it another go next month if I have time but otherwise it’ll probably be pushed back to May.

│Rad Girls Can│Kate Schatz│││││

I switched to this ARC since it’s only 112 pages and I figured SURELY I can finish this before the month is up. Nope. So April it is!

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses│Jason Porath│││││

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads│Mackenzi Lee│││││

I didn’t do much but at least I got my entries read for both of these!

Book of the Month

│The Female of the Species│Mindy McGinnis││││││★★★★★│Read Mar 31│

Once I realised just how little I read this month and made myself power through this one and omg it was soooo good and worth it. I needed this book this month.

│Average Rating: 4.5★’s│ 5│

Structured TBR Pass or Fail?

│Must Read:  3/5│ 0/1│ 0/0│ 2/2│ 3/3│ 10/10│ 5/5│

│Allowances:  1/1│ 1/1│ 0/0│ 0/0│ 0/1│

Clearly this was a terrible reading month. I got hardly any reading done. I started off relatively strong but then I stopped exercising (for reasons I’ll go into further later in this post) so that was less time spent reading. And then I spent far more time watching TV when I should have been reading because Depression. And the audiobook wasn’t really working out for me so I didn’t get that read either. FUN.

     Haul

│Barbed Wire Heart│Tess Sharpe│││

I loved Far From You so when I saw this was available on Netgalley I knew I needed it! And it wasn’t even a request, just one you could immediately download and my international blogger heart is v. v. thankful.

│Vicious│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab││

│Vengeful│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab│││

If you’ve been paying attention to my hauls sections you’re probably thinking “doesn’t Grey already have both of these books and the answer to that is yes absolutely but listen.

I have the paperback copy of Vicious in the old cover art because i bought it years ago…Well my mum bought it for me years ago but same same.

Then it was announced that with the long-awaited release of Vengeful we’d get all new cover art so I knew I’d be re-buying the first no matter what.

And then the collector’s edition came out for Vicious.

So I bought that and then Book Depository listed the hardback for Vengeful as a collector’s edition and so I ordered that as a birthday present to myself.

Only I don’t actually think it is a collector’s edition because it doesn’t say so on the cover or anything but oh well.

So I finally have both books with new covers only I don’t want to read them because if I do, I’ll want to annotate them and I don’t annotate collector’s edition as a rule for myself.

So I had to buy the paperbacks. I just had to. My hands were tied. Did I really have the money to? No, but I’ve had a hard month so fuck it.

Past Grey Reads

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

 Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

       Film & TV

Honestly I barely remember what I did actually watch.

Month’s TBW

│The Bold Type│Season 2││

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││

│I Am The Night│Season 1││

│The Umbrella Academy│Season 1││

│Russian Doll│Season 1││

│Sex Education│Season 1││

     Watched

│The Bold Type│Season 2││2017│ Sarah Watson│ Katie Stevens, Aisha Dee, Meghann Fahy│★★★★★│

This show is so fucking good, I’m not not so patiently waiting for the third season to come out next month!

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││2013│ Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur│ Andre Braugher, Andy Samberg, Stephanie Beatriz│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

The episode with the murder in the apartment and the making stupid promises to the mum and Jake slowly going crazy and Rosa with a different hair style every scene??? Iconic!

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││2009│ RuPaul│RuPaul, Michelle Visage│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

Between Miss Vanjie being the narrator of the season (and maybe my fave of all time), her hoemance with Brooke Lyn Heights, Yvie’s take no shit, own your shit attitude and Plastique’s fish???? I am in love with this season.

I could do without Silky’s obnoxious everything and R. Kelly style Untucked breakdowns but whatever.

│Russian Doll│Season 1││2019│  Leslye Headland, Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler│ Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee│★★★★★│

I am in love with Russian Doll and everything about it. It’s short, it’s smart, it’s quality TV and it’s fucking funny.

│Sex Education│Season 1││2019│ Laurie Nunn│ Asa Butterfield, Gillian Anderson, Emma Mackey│★★★★★│

This show is stupid funny but it’s also super intelligent and important. This is such a good show for teens to have easy access to and I can’t wait for the new season.

│Queer Eye│Season 3││2018│ Bobby Berk, Karamo Brown, Tan France │★★★★★│

This season had me crying my eyes out and I loved every second of it.

But my favourite moment is when Jody, on the first episode, comes out for the big reveal and the guys all lose their fucking minds! Especially Karamo’s and Antoni’s reactions. They were absolutely fucking gold.

│Game of Thrones│Season 1││2011│ David Benioff, D.B. Weiss│ Emilia Clarke, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington│★★★★│

I mean, yes I am well aware of the problems Game of Thrones have and I am trash for it anyway. Is it as amazing as I initially thought?? Not at all but I’m in too deep now I can’t just not watch the final season.

So here I am re-watching the entire show with my mum to drag it out just a little longer and hopefully by the time we’re all caught up the final season, in it’s entirety, will be well and truly out.

I just have to try and avoid spoilers until then…which should actually be very easy because of something I’ll announce in my Month Ahead post.

Me after this month.

     Music

│YUNGBLUD│11 Minutes + Halsey│Loner│Falling Skies + Charlotte Lawrence│

│Dodie│Burned Out│

│Troye Sivan + Lauv│i’m so tired…│

│Noah Cyrus│Sadness│Good Cry│

│Julia Michaels│Anxiety + Selena Gomez│Happy│

│Steve Aoki│Waste It on Me + BTS│

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

Use Your Words Highlights

 Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

 Top Ten Tuesday // Audible and Overdrive Are My Lords & Saviors – My Audiobook TBR

     Blogosphere Highlights

│Laura @ The Book Corps│#UNSOLVEDATHON: A BUZZFEED UNSOLVED READATHON — ANNOUNCEMENT AND SIGN UP!│#UNSOLVEDATHON BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS!│

│Elise @ The Bookish Actress│Why I’m Not Honestly That Excited for Game of Thrones: Season Eight│Eighteen Things I’ve Learned In My First Eighteen Years│

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│True Crime Tuesday: The Moors Murders│

│Jamieson @ Jamishelves│IF YOU LIKE THIS BOOK YOU’LL LIKE THIS TV SHOW !│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│Stressed About College? These Book Recs Are For You!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│5 TIPS ON ANNOTATING YOUR BOOKS!│

│Marie @ Drizzle & Hurricane Books│10 YA BOOKS DEALING WITH ANXIETY│

│Avery @ Red Rocket Panda│DOWN THE TBR HOLE | USING THE #KONMARIE METHOD FOR MY PHYSICAL SHELVES│

│Fadwa @ Word Wonders│#DIVERSEBOOKBLOGGERSDISCUSS: THE FANTASY OF HISTORICAL ROMANCE│(SOME) BOOK BLOGGING PRESSURES & HOW TO FIGHT THEM│WORD WONDERS’ TBR EXPANSION: BOOKS WITH EAST AND SOUTH EAST ASIAN MAIN CHARACTERS│MY PRODUCTIVITY TOOLS – OR HOW TO BE A MASTER ORGANIZER!│

│Aurora @ Aurora Librialis│5 Book Quotes for International Women’s Day│

│Swetlana @ The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│6 Reasons To Watch On My Block│

│Qui @ The Black Lit Queen│Diversity vs. Representation|BLQ Quick Guide│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Write Scenes that Balance Plot & Character // Scene and Sequel Sequences│

Past Month In Review

 Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

 January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

 Month in Review // I FINALLY CHANGED MY NAME – February

Month’s Goals

 Get my mental health plan

 Book a therapy session I have to wait until April ahhhhhhhh

 Get a massage from mum —I just always forget okay

 Try and take a mental health day

 Try and take a mental health day later in the month

 Keep my shit together —HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

 Start journaling —I will get to this eventually…

 Quit soft drink 

 Start floor exercises—I keep adding this and never get around to it. —I couldn’t even go for my walks for most of the month so…

 Try and read 5 books —I can’t even say I tried. 

 Don’t waste all my time on The Sims 

 Go to Writers Week

Considering how shit this month was I count 7/12 goals reached a fucking accomplishment!

My Nightmare Month

So it started well enough. I went to Writers Week on two different days and thoroughly enjoyed myself! but then i got into a car accident on the way to my third day.

Which was stressful and anxiety inducing. It’s been a nightmare to work through all the aftermath. I didn’t know if the accident would be covered by insurance or if I would even hear from the person who hit me. And then when I did get the good news of being covered I basically had to micromanage the insurance company because they did everything slow and I couldn’t afford slow. So that was loads of phone calls which is something that causes me anxiety so YAY.

It’s mostly all sorted out. I still need to take my plates in and get a refund on my rego which I tried to do a couple days ago and got frustrated so that’s a task for another day.

     I did get to go to the Fringe Festival and see Daniel Sloss’s new comedy special which was absolutely brilliant! He talked about rape culture and really put the onus on men and how they need to work and go out of their way to think critically of themselves and society and what they can do to dismantle rape culture. I laughed and sobbed. My mum nearly pissed herself laughing and it was a great night out with to die for Sri-Lankan food hot buttered squid will blow your fucking mind! and I discovered that I like to drink Pimms.

     Throughout the month I’ve still been sorting out my name change because that is a long and drawn out process of changing my name everywhere and hitting road blocks constantly has be incredibly frustrating but I’m nearly finished!

I have also been doing all of this while in incredible pain because chronic illness.

My March mood

     Basically my feet have been very painful, I knew the solution, doctor refused me, mum took me to a doctor who knows our history and I got the solution so I can actually start walking regularly again which will help my mental health loads.

My mum also took me to replace all of my shoes which was both expensive and needed so I have the best shoes for walking and working and running around doing errands and going out!

I was ready to end the month on a positive. Sure the start had rattled me a lot, and I was big depressed because of pain for most of it but I did have a few great experiences and I’d resolved almost all the long running issues.

     And then while I was waiting for mum to finish work a couple of days ago, I sat and read in the foodcourt.

A man approached me and invaded my personal space and stared at me, knowing it would make me uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that it distracted me from the fact he was trying to steal my purse.

Thankfully I noticed at the last minute and grabbed it back because I would have been a fucking mess if I had gone to all the trouble replacing everything in my purse with my new name on it, only to have to do it all over again because someone stole my it all.

The man walked off but I would be lying if I said it didn’t terrify me. The way he stared at me was so unnerving and I don’t handle people being in my personal space…like at all. Even people I know and trust have to always ask permission first. I don’t let men I know in my personal space at all because I know what men are capable of. But to have a man I don’t know get in my face with the purpose to make me uncomfortable, especially after the month I’ve had, was enough for me to completely come undone.

I’m thankful for the cleaner for checking up on me, even though I burst into tears, and I’m thankful for the girl who approached me after as well to try and be supportive.

She had fire in her eyes and in that moment I had wished that that was what I looked like instead of the girl I was, not being able to hold back tears and trying to keep calm in the middle of an anxiety attack.

More than anything, I’m thankful for my mum for being so supportive and understanding and being exactly what I needed her to be and for calling out the men who made things worse, while trying to help, when I didn’t have the strength to.

I’ve argued with myself on whether to share this and maybe I might delete it all before it gets published, but I think it’s important for women to share their experiences with how men have preyed upon them, whether sexually or not, and how men continue to use their power to get what they want from us, regardless of the negative impact it has on us.

I just—girls, women, know that if something like this happens to you, if something worse happens to you, it’s not your fault, it’s never your fault. The way you react to it is right because it’s your experience and your emotions. I’m trying to remind myself of that. 

And men, know that if you’re not actively trying to stop this shit from happening, aren’t pulling your friends up for those gross comments they make, then you’re part of the fucking problem. I don’t want to hear that you personally would never do this. That shit isn’t enough. It’s never been enough. This all lies at your feet and fuck you for helping to hold up a society that makes us think any of it is our own fault.

And if something like this happens to a girl or woman you know then ask her what she needs, ask her the best way for you to help. Because nine times out of ten the way you react naturally is going to be the complete fucking opposite of what she needs and you might make things worse. And that’s on you, not her.

Past Month Ahead

 Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

 February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

 Month Ahead // Writers Week, Comedy & Too Much To Do – March

Thank fuck March is over.

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

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[vldhunks]

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[theconservativebrief]

“Don’t you dare go back to that doctor” my mother growled into the phone. “He’ll put ‘bipolar’ on your record, and then you’ll never be able to get a job.”

I nodded into the receiver. “Okay.”

I never went back. Seven years later, I woke up in a psych ward.

Growing up, I thought I was emotionally healthy. I had a large Chinese family on my mother’s side (my father is white). We were a lively, loud, tight-knit group consisting of around 20 blood relatives and 3 million nonblood relatives. Everyone knew each other’s business. Distant family members inquired about school, commented on my weight, and asked if I had a boyfriend. The only time it was “quiet” was when the Mahjong table came out, and the only noise you’d hear was the click-clacking of tiles.

But when I look back, I realize that we shied away from the important topics. Mental health was rarely discussed, but when it was, it was always in a negative light. At no point did any of my relatives tell me having a mental disorder, theoretically at this point, was unacceptable — I could tell by their hushed tones, and their quick dismissals, that mental illness was not an option.

I never questioned it. If relatives felt comfortable enough teasing me about my grades or weight, then surely they’d be ok with talking about mental health? The reality was not even close.

Most people know the stigma associated with mental illness. But there’s even more stigma within communities of color, and within Asian culture, it’s particularly bad. It’s like Russian nesting dolls of shame.

Scientific research shows the severity of mental health issues among Asian-Americans. Studies have found a few common causes — shame, fear, and avoidance, all of which have roots in the culture and the “model minority” stereotype. One could argue most people, regardless of race, are reluctant to discuss their mental state, but studies show Asian Americans are three times less likely than white people to seek mental health treatment. Another study carried out in 2011 showed that Asian Americans typically avoid mental health services because “opting to utilize such services requires admitting the existence of a mental health problem and may cause shame to the family if personal issues become public.”

For the first 27 years of my life, I kept my deteriorating mental health under lock and key for one straightforward reason: I was scared of embarrassing my mother. I believed I would be seen as broken or defective and bring shame on my family.

Any Asian person, especially women, will tell you about the pressures of growing up in many Asian households — the high expectations, the keeping up appearances, and the toxic model minority stereotype that continually hums in the background of your life. There’s an expectation to stand out for the “right” reasons — meaning good grades, a fancy job, high salary, good social standing, and having a husband or wife. In my family’s minds, having a mental illness can prevent you from achieving those things. And if you’re not achieving everything, then why are you even here?

Asian women in particular feel the need to prove themselves. Historically, we’re on the back foot since birth because Chinese families have long favored sons over daughters. Those attitudes have changed over time, but the feeling still lingers — we weren’t born the first choice, but we’ll work twice as hard to prove we deserve to be here. On top of all of that, we’re pressured by society (and Chinese culture) to start a family at a much younger age than men, meaning we’re on a shorter timeline to achieve anything. No wonder Asian-American women have a higher lifetime rate of suicidal thoughts than the general population.

My depression started in my teens. I didn’t think it was a problem: I assumed it was normal to feel low and isolated for long periods of time. From the ages of 13 to 18, I had several anxiety attacks. A few of my friends knew, but I rarely talked about it, and never to my family.

I managed to hide all of this from my mother, except for one incident when I was 17 and going through an incredibly low period. Like many people with a mental illness, I showed no visible signs of anxiety or depression. But I retreated into myself, finding it hard to communicate or perform basic tasks like showering or brushing my teeth. I knew I felt sad, but I didn’t know anything was “wrong.”

My mother became frustrated I wasn’t my “usual” self. And because there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me, she took me to the emergency room to see a mental health professional. I sat on a chair in a windowless room, my mother next to me, while a specialist straight up asked me what was wrong.

I refused to say what was wrong. My mother was in the room, and I didn’t want her to know. I could tell she was annoyed I wouldn’t talk, and even more annoyed she had to bring me in the first place. As my silence deepened, I remember her saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but her breath smells.” She was disgusted by me.

The specialist asked her to leave the room so he could talk to me in private. He said he couldn’t help me unless I told him what was wrong. I couldn’t. After hearing the disdain in my mother’s voice, I was too ashamed of embarrassing her. I didn’t want to let her down, so I said I was “fine” and left.

My mother and I didn’t talk about it again. And, unlike my grades, who I was dating, and my physical appearance, it wasn’t brought up at family gatherings. Maybe my relatives knew I was “down” and simply chose not to discuss it with me. Perhaps they just didn’t know how. After all, this stigma has been around as long as mental illness. At the time, I didn’t care; I was more interested in maintaining my reputation within the family than my mental health.

It comes back to this specific Asian brand of shame and pride. The shame prevents us from talking about it within the family, and the pride covers up the shame for those outside the family. According to an article by psychologist Ben Tran, this particular behavior has a name: “hiding up.” Hiding up is the act of both keeping your mental illness hidden from the community and not doing anything to treat the illness itself. It’s a dangerous combination.

The problem with “hiding up” is that the behavior became so ingrained that I continued to do it when I left home. By the time I went to university, my commitment to the cover-up was unwavering. Meanwhile, my mental state felt like it was tearing at the seams. I went to see a campus doctor — this time, my mom wasn’t there, and I told him as much as I could. He told me he suspected I was bipolar, but that I would need to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis.

I left the appointment feeling a mix of relief and terror: relief that I wasn’t crazy in thinking I was crazy, but terrified of making that phone call. I never worked up the courage to do it. It would take another eight years and a life-threatening situation before I’d finally receive a diagnosis for bipolar II from a psychiatrist.

I was 27 when I first tried to kill myself. I was admitted to a psych ward, then transferred to a psychiatric hospital. I was incapacitated my first day in the ward. One of the psychiatrists called my mother to tell her what happened. When I asked how she reacted, he said she was angry. The first thing she asked was, “Why did no one tell me?”

I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital in November. There, I called my mother to talk about Christmas plans; I’d booked my flights a couple of months earlier and was excited to come home for the holidays. She was curt on the phone. She said I couldn’t stay with her, making up excuses about the broken heating in the house. It quickly dawned on me that these were flimsy cover-ups for the real reason — she was ashamed and didn’t want me around. My mental illness had become impossible to hide from the rest of my family.

I ended up staying with a friend and her family for the holidays. I didn’t see my mother, nor did we have any contact during that time. There was a smattering of communication in the subsequent months that quickly petered out. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I realized I couldn’t have someone in my life who couldn’t accept my mental illness, even if that person was my mother. We’ve been estranged for over four years now, and my contact with the rest of the family is patchy at best.

To be clear, I don’t judge or blame my family at all. If anything, I empathize with them. I’m sure they’ve had struggles of their own that they’ve had to repress. Maybe they were scared. Maybe it wasn’t that they didn’t want to talk about it, but instead, didn’t know how. I have no idea what they’ve been through — not just because they refuse to speak about it, but also because I didn’t ask.

The stigma associated with mental illness is so deeply entrenched in Asian culture; it’s unrealistic to think people can change their minds that easily. But this pressure to hide our problems away has dangerous consequences. The shame is killing us — older Asian-American women have the highest rates of suicide compared to any other race.

If we want to see change, it needs to come from everywhere both big and small. In 2017, a new bill was introduced to reduce the mental health stigma in the Asian-American and Pacific Islander community through specific outreach and education. And while it’s promising to see changes come from the top, those of us who are living with mental illness can make the most impact. By continuing to share our experiences, we can give people the strength to come out of “hiding.”

Amanda Rosenberg is a writer based in San Francisco. You can find her work in McSweeney’s, the Establishment, Anxy Magazine, GOOD, Huffington Post, Quartz, and the Mighty. She’s an editor for Slackjaw and is currently writing her first book — a collection of essays on mental illness.

First Person is Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines, and pitch us at firstperson@vox.com.

Original Source -> Hiding my mental illness from my Asian family almost killed me

via The Conservative Brief