#and have contributed to papers on ocd

[sopranoentravesti]

Sorry to be a member of the intelligentsia on main, but I’m really not interested in hearing your takes on psychology or neuroscience when you get all your information from YouTube videos and refuse to read a book or a paper on whatever your chosen topic du jour is

[princelysnape]

no one asked, but here's some songs that remind me of severus snape:

body by mother mother – i think i already said this, but one of my fav headcanons is that sev has intrusive thoughts about self-harming (part of an ongoing headcanon about him having ocd, it's a long story)

love to death by mother mother – severus about his feelings for lily, but also, about everyone he's ever loved. this man cannot do anything by halves. if he loves you, he'll just love you to death

everybody knows by leonard cohen – literally one of the most pessimistic and bleak songs i have ever heard, very severus snape-coded

long night by star salzman – sev is an insomniac, i think pretty much everyone knows that, so this song represents his sleepless nights

paper bag by fiona apple – for me, this song is about yearning. yearning for love, for connecting, for touch, and mainly, for understanding. severus feels perpetually misunderstood ("he said 'it's all in your head!', and i said 'so is everything!', but he didn't get it")

i want you to love me by fiona apple – yes, again. i love her, she's a genius and this song perfectly represents how sev might feel about a future lover. it's rather intense and hopeful too, which i like. this man deserves all the hope he can get, especially about love

the downtown lights by the blue nile – he's very scared of getting emotionally attached to people, so he's constantly doing stuff that completely contradicts what he actually wants to do. also, one of my headcanons is that he loves his midnight walk around hogwarts or around london, when there's no one to be seem

tear you apart by she wants revenge – remember the thing about intrusive thoughts? well, i also believe that if sev was to ever fall in love again, he would have intrusive thoughts about breaking his beloved's rib cage to hold their heart in his hand. please, hear me out. these thoughts are called intrusive for a reason, no, i don't believe he would actually want to hurt them, not at all. but he does think about it, you know? and the thoughts can sometimes get intertwined with his lustful feelings for them, which is what this song represents in my head

still loving you by scorpions – let's be real, guys. severus isn't the easiest guy to be around. he would probably screw up more than once and then would proceed to do anything to earn your forgiveness. also, this song was said to have contributed to a baby boom in france during the 80s lmao. do with this information what you will

home by aurora – very melancholic and depressive, and reminds of how at home severus is with his own sadness. comfortable, even

forgotten love by aurora – about the joys and heartaches of learning to fall in love again

personal jesus by depeche mode – he spent all his hogwarts years wishing someone would save him from his sorry circumstances. wishing for someone who would actually give a damn about him and his suffering

liability by lorde – relatively new, i know, but i love this whole album and especially this song. i think severus feels extremely lonely all the time. he feels repellent and downright dangerous to others sometimes, a liability at best

kiss with a fist by florence + the machine – eileen's entire relationship with tobias as seen by severus when he was a kid. he couldn't understand why she wouldn't just leave him and secretly believed she enjoyed this situation

punchin' bag by cage the elephant – still on this theme, this is how severus wished eileen had reacted to her abuse

what i lost by cowboy junkies – sometimes he gets so bored and tired of his day to day life, he starts disassociating. he can go entire days doing everything on automatic mode without anyone noticing anything's amiss. oh, and also, did i ever tell y'all about my headcanon that severus hallucinates about lily during his depressive episodes? yeah. she never says anything, just stands there looking at him

venus in furs by the velvet underground – literally the horniest song known to mankind, i don't know what to tell y'all. i totally believe that if severus' sexuality wasn't stunted during his teenage years, he would be a kinky bastard. possibly pending to submission in bed. also, fun fact, this song was inspired by a book of the same name and one of the characters is literally called "severin" lol, who is so in love with a woman, he asks to be her slave and for her to treat him in progressively degrading ways. she doesn't like this very much though, so not very safe or sane, i'll admit. take it with a grain of salt. thought you would like to know that

the man who sold the world (cover) [live] by nirvana – his first encounter face to face with the dark lord, during the time he was being groomed into joining the death eaters, need i say more?

[jcsmicasereports]

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in Palestine: A Literature Review by Israa M.Sawalha in Journal of Clinical Case Reports Medical Images and Health Sciences

Abstract

Methods A computerized literature searches (Google Scholar, PubMed, Science Direct, Springer Link, Elsevier, Semantic Scholar, and HINARI) was used to collect studies addressing the OCD in Palestine.

Results and Conclusion OCD in Palestine is widely presented in adolescence and children at a young age. The most common type of OCD in Palestine is checking type. Set of risk factors increases developing OCD, including sexual abuse at any age as well as anxiety, depression, phobia and somatization disorders. In addition, the family incomes play a big role in presenting OCD, especially low income families. Most of the patients who have OCD were depressed and complaining of stigma and ignorance. Recommendations include getting rid of the stigma, creating a chance for low income families, further studies into OCD in Palestine, ending of the occupation and preventing children from following TV programs and war results.

Key words OCD, Obsessive compulsive disorder, Palestinians Mental Health, Palestine, Gaza Strip, West Bank

Background

In this section the researchers highlighted the meaning of health, mental health and mental illness. Also, they showed the impact of Israeli occupation on Palestinians people since 1948 and lastly in 2019. Besides, the state of mental health services in Palestine. A complete condition of physical, social and mental well-being and not purely disability or disease absence are the definition of the health, according to World Health Organization (WHO)(1). According to American Psychiatric Association (APA) the mental health is the foundation for learning, communication, emotions, thinking, self-esteem and resilience, also, it is the key to personal and emotional well-being, relationships, personal and contributing to the community or society(2). Therefore, the combination of behavioral, emotional or thinking process changes, or involving a change in one of them is called a mental health illness which is common and can be treatable(3). Historically, Palestinians health affected because of the Israeli occupation of Palestine, which was divided into two areas (West Bank and Gaza Strip)(4). Those two areas were occupied by Israel in 1948, related to that about 60 percent of the Palestinians living in villages with 27 percent of them in refugee camps(5). Accordingly, Israel attacks the civilians in their places and they experience infringement of their human rights which impact their health(6). Because of affection on the civilian health, especially the mental health, there is a need to develop mental health services(7). Therefore, in 2004 the mental health policy officially adopted for West Bank and Gaza Strip by Palestinian Ministry of Health (MoH) and in 2002-2003 it was formulated(5). As a result, Palestinians need to meet them human rights and develop the mental health policies and services(8). In summary, the history that the researchers mentioned above about Palestine’s political condition, clearly showed that there are major challenges faced the civilians’ mental health, as well as, their social and economic state.

Methodology

A computerized literature searches (Google Scholar, PubMed, Science Direct, Springer Link, Elsevier, Semantic Scholar, and HINARI) was used to collect studies addressing the OCD in Palestine. Search terms included “obsessive-compulsive disorder,” “obsessive compulsive” “OCD Palestine” “Palestinians mental health” “Health in Palestine” “Mental health Palestine” in both Arabic and English languages. Additional papers, which did not appear clearly in the electronic database while searching, were obtained via an examination of reference lists of published papers. Relevant empirical studies are summarized and presented hither. This study included all studies about OCD in Palestine and excluded the studies talked about anxiety, PTSD, or other disorders. The search identified 33 articles. Duplicates and irrelevant articles were removed. Nine articles related to OCD in a Worldwide, fifteen in Arabic countries and nine articles related to OCD in West Bank and Gaza Strip in Palestine. Also the researcher used some Arabic studies and translated them to English language. Studies selected after critically appraised.

An overview of OCD

In this following section the researchers explained the origin of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) by writing its definition and clarified main class of OCD and from where it came. Also, this review showed studies about mental health in a worldwide then Arabic world later in Palestine. Moreover, the following sections focused on OCD in Palestine.

Definition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder This part of the study focused on the definition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as both of the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems 10th Revision (ICD-10) and Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) defined it. According to ICD-10, the essential feature of OCD is recurrent Obsessional thoughts and Compulsive act(9), but according to DSM-5, OCD is the presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both of them(10). Obsessional thoughts are images, impulses, or ideas that enter the patient's mind repeatedly in a vulgar form. They are almost fixedly distressing and the patient often tries, unsuccessfully, to endure them, this definition according to ICD-10(9). But DSM-5 defined the Obsessional thoughts as an intruder, unwanted and recurrent thoughts or impulses that most patients cause marked anxiety or distress and the patient trials to ignore such thoughts or images by performing a Compulsion(10). Additionally, ICD-10 about Compulsive, an acts or rituals are stereotyped behaviors that are repeated over and over, these acts are not enjoyable, nor do they result in the completion of useful tasks(9). Also, the repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) is aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation, this definition according to DSM-5(10). As the researchers mentioned above, the OCD is a mental health disorder associated with a change in behaviors and acts, as well as with thoughts changes.

History of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

In this part the researchers showed the historical sequence of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Al-Balakhi was the first one in the world mentioned a mental illness and he put the differentiation of OCD from other forms of mental illnesses nearly a millennium earlier(11). Historically, as with any mental health condition, over time the conceptualization and treatment of OCD has changed(12). In the centuries sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth and the first half of the twentieth century the OCD passed through different conceptualizations. Religious melancholy was in seventeenth century the description of Obsession and Compulsion(13), but they have likely been around since humans first roved the earth(12). OCD was associated with moral and spiritual issue in the seventeenth century. Later, in eighteenth century many doctors saw that the Obsessions and Compulsions were caused by intellectual disordered(12).After this view, in the nineteenth century a modern concepts of OCD began to evolved(14),which is ‘neurosis’ implied a neuropathological condition. In the last quarter of the nineteenth century OCD was engulfed along with numerous other disorders(13). Supplementally, in the twentieth century the OCD became with a new concept. Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) and Pierre Janet (1859-1947) isolated OCD from neurasthenia(14).Freud’s view highlighted that this mental health disorder related to subconscious problems, and he sawed that both of obsessions and compulsions were often treated via psychoanalysis(14). Throughout the first half of the twentieth century Freud’s view dominated the mental health field(13). Finally, the researchers back in the time since the appearance of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder until the new concept were appeared.

OCD in a worldwide

In this section the researchers showed a review of OCD from the worldwide view by showing the prevalence of OCD in a worldwide, also the effect of it on the patient’s life, as well as its types and the prevalence of each one. Later the researchers showed risk factors. In the world, at some points in peoples’ lives, they have obsessive thoughts with or without compulsive behaviors, but that does not mean that all of them suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(15). Approximately 2% is the prevalence of in the general population in a worldwide(16). During the past year, OCD in the U.S affected 1.2% of adults. But now it affects approximately 1 in 40 adults and 1 in 100 children in the U.S. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)(17). In Australia around 2% of people have OCD(18). But in the UK population, OCD affects about 12 in every 1,000 people (1.2% of the population) from young children to adults, regardless of social, cultural background or gender(19). In China the prevalence of OCD is 3.17%, according to a study done by Guo et al., its title is “Meta-analysis of the prevalence of anxiety disorders in mainland China from 2000 to 2015”(20). In this condition the patient has an obsessive need to repeatedly do certain things and may have unwanted ideas, impulses or images(21). People with OCD are usually aware that their symptoms are illogical and excessive, but they find the obsessions ungovernable and the compulsions unattainable to resist(18). There are many forms of OCD, Checking, Contamination/Mental Contamination, Symmetry and ordering, Ruminations/Intrusive thoughts and Hording(22). About the prevalence of each type the checking obsessive has the highest prevalence which is 79.3%, the second high prevalence is Hoarding obsessive which has 62.3%, later Ordering 3%, Morality 5%, Sexual/Religious 2%, Contamination/Washing 3%, Harming/Aggression 5% and Illness ratios 8% to 10% (23). A study done by J. Henderson and C. Pollard in greater ST. Louis showed that the overall prevalence rate of OCD was 2.8%. The most prevalent type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder involved checking (1.6%), followed by a multiple category that included counting, repeating and collecting rituals (1.0%) and, finally, washing compulsions (0.8%)(24) According to National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R), many people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have more than one OCD form(23). The risk factors which may increase the incidence of getting an OCD are divided into three ranks, factors that the person born with, factors outside human control and modifiable risk factors(25). Factors person born with like genetics 50%, gender male at more risk to develop childhood OCD than female, brain structure and socioeconomic status as a study showed that there is an association between OCD and low socioeconomic status(25). But about the factors outside human control are included age life events and mental illness. The risk of OCD drops with age and the late adolescence has the greater risk(25). Those who have stressful life and suffer from physical or sexual abuse are a major risk factor to get OCD, also having another mental illness such as anxiety or depression increase the risk of having OCD (26). According to Owen and Adrian, the third rank is the modifiable risk factors such as drugs, marital status and employment. Drug uses cans causing a neurotransmitter changes in the brain, which create a chance for developing OCD, and being unmarried increase the risk too as well as being unemployed. However, there are many risk factors may increase the incidence to develop an OCD. OCD at higher risk to present comorbid major depression or another anxiety disorder across all areas(27). Peoples suffering from OCD also end up suffering from a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, relationship problems, very weak willpower, and social withdrawal(28).

OCD in the Arabic countries

In this section the researchers showed a review about OCD in Arabic countries. From one hand, they pointed out that the first one highlighted the OCD was an Arabian psychiatrist and he wrote about it since 1000 years ago. And from other hand, they reviewed different studies about OCD prevalence, Islamic view, culture view and stigma in the Arabic world. Statistics mentioned that the frequency of most mental disorders does not have much difference from country to country around the world(32). The prevalence of OCD in Egyptian adolescent population is 2.2%(33). Also, 0.1 % in Lebanon(34). In Iraq, the peak age for OCD was from 21 to 30 years old, females were predominating (63.2%), singles were (47.3%) and the family history of OCD and any mental illness was observed in 20.5% and 52.9%, respectively(35). The few statistics coming out of certain Arab countries assert the reality of having no difference from country to country in the frequency of mental disorders specially OCD(32). The issue in the Arab world is more to do with stigma and ignorance than it is lack of mental health problems(32). Despite the complication and the importance of the mental health problems, the Arab world still shows a lack of awareness; patients in Arab countries tend to express their psychological issues in terms of physical symptoms, thereby avoiding the stigma attached to mental illness(36). A study done by Mohamed et al., 2015 in Egypt showed the following result: “Religious patients receiving religious psychotherapy showed significantly more rapid improvement and required lower dosage of medications and for periods less than others. The role of religion as CBT could be significant in the Islamic culture.”(37). Recently, the relationship between mental health, religiosity, and personal beliefs (Such as magical ideation) has been studied Psychiatry is depending on culture more than any other medical discipline, therefore, it is not well known in developing countries the frequency of mental illness such as anxiety, OCD or depression, even doctors themselves may not know the problem size, on the contrary of the developed countries which are well characterized in determining mental diseases(32).

An overview of OCD in Palestine

In this section the researchers showed a review of OCD in Palestine. They mentioned the prevalence of OCD in Palestine, and showed the all available studies about OCD. A 15.3% is the prevalence of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder among Palestinian university students in Gaza Strip, in assessing OCD and sociodemographic variables such as family income and type of college, study showed that the OCD is more in students coming from families earning 250$ and leases more than students from families earning 500-750$ and there is no statistical significant in OCD and type of college. In addition to that, this study showed there is no statistically significant correlation between OCD and age and grade average of the students. Also, this study clarifies that the OCD correlate with anxiety (R=0.63), with depression (R=0.66, P=0.001), with Phobic anxiety (R=0.44) and with Somatization (R=0.51). However, in assessing the OCD statue with sex, the T independent test according to the same study showed statistically significant in female than in male (Mean 15.39 vs. 15.20) (T= -50)(39). Additionally, a descriptive study done by Amira Abu Shaban in Jerusalem zone by using self-reported questionnaire and the Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale (CY-BOCS) among Palestinian school children grade 11 (public and private), this study showed that the prevalence of OCD among Palestinian school students is 15.6%: 19.1 for females and 10.2 for males. Also, the study showed significant associations among OCD and females, students with low academic level, school achievements and less educated parents. Moreover, this study showed a strong relationship between OCD and social-demographic variables and a weak relationship with social environmental factors(40). 20.6%, according to Spence anxiety scale reported Obsessive Compulsive Disorder problems among children working due to low family income. This study, which was done by Mater et al (2007), aimed to identify the impact of work on children general mental health and anxiety in a total number of 789 children in the Gaza Strip. Also, it showed that 79.2% of children rating themselves as a psychiatric patient(42). The study sample included 99 women and their ages ranged between 16 years to 42 years with mean age 25.5. In this study pre and post assessment for women who got counseling and vocational training. Accordingly, the study showed that there was improvement in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for the women(45). In the summary for the OCD in Palestine, the OCD is higher in women than men, in adolescent and children than older ages. The risk factors that increase the OCD separation between Palestinians are low income families, stigma, and Israeli occupation, and violence, sexual abuse of the children, depression disorder and anxiety disorder.

Discussion

In this section the researchers discussed the reviewed studies about OCD worldwide, in Arabic countries, and in Palestine by showing the differences in prevalence, stigma, and risk factors.

Prevalence

The studies showed that the prevalence of OCD in a worldwide is 2%-3% (16) Convergent to the prevalence in Arabic countries 2.2% (32), but there is no general prevalence of OCD in Palestine because of lack in studies. But some studies showed 15.3% the prevalence of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder among Palestinian university students in Gaza Strip (16, 32). Checking Obsessive is the most common type in the world, 79.3% of the OCD patients are checking obsessively and 62.3% suffer from Hording Obsessive (23). The studies in Arabic countries also support this prevalence of checking obsessive 1.6%, then hording then contamination obsessions (23, 22), after that the contamination obsessions in Arabic countries and in Palestine (22, 34).

Stigma

The issue in the Arab world is more to do with stigma and ignorance than it is lack of mental health problems and the stigma attached to the illness (34, 35). Also the Palestinians studies showed that the patients suffer from community view to them and their mental health (38). The Arab world still shows a lack of awareness; patients in Arab countries tend to express their psychological issues in terms of physical symptoms, thereby avoiding the stigma attached to mental illness (36).

The risk factors

The risk factor which may increase the incidence of getting an OCD are divided into three ranks, factors that the person born with, factors outside human control and modifiable risk factors (26). The genetic factor prevalence is 50% and the male more than female in childhood (25, 28) in the world view, but in comparison with Arabic countries view the risk factors were in female more than in male in ages between 21 to 30 years old (34, 31) . Finally, in Palestine the low family income earning 250$ and less were the basis for having an OCD among Palestinians, also the studies in Palestine showed that the female more than male with mean age 15.39 for female Verses 15.20 for male(38, 31). In addition to the OCD risk factor in Palestine the sexual abuse at any age play a major role in having OCD as well as Anxiety, depression, Phobic anxiety and Somatization disorders (31, 38, 40, 44).

Definition

They are almost fixedly distressing and the patient often tries, unsuccessfully, to endure them while DSM-5 defined the Obsessional thoughts as an intruder, unwanted and recurrent thoughts or impulses that most patients cause marked anxiety or distress and the patient trials to ignore such thoughts or images by performing a Compulsion (15).

Results and Conclusion

In this section, the researchers conclude the results of this review. According to the studies that the researchers reviewed and discussed above, they found that there is a difference between the prevalence of OCD in Palestine in comparing with Arabic countries as well as with a worldwide. Also, they discovered that there is a lack of studies about OCD in Palestine especially in West Bank. The most common type of OCD in Palestine is checking type; in addition to that, OCD patients suffer from the stigma so the prevalence of it was significantly high related to fear from the community. However, there is a religious view about OCD as well as cultural view. Palestinians because of Israel occupation faced a lot of barriers standing in front of their mental health status. OCD in Palestine is widely presented in adolescence and children at a young age. The family incomes play a big role in present of OCD, especially low income families as well as a stigma. In concluding, Palestinians with OCD have a related disorder, the most common one is depressed. Also the researchers found that there was a lack in studies about OCD in Palestine and other mental health disorders, and they discovered that there is a study in specific areas of Palestine such as Gaza Strip

Recommendations

Recommendations include get rid of the stigma and create a work chances for a low income family, apply more and more studies about OCD in Palestine, ending of the occupation and prevent the children from following TV programs and war.

Limitations

The literature review has discussed an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in Palestine. Palestine is a state that is seeking independence with a scare of resources; therefore, the research is underdeveloped. As a result, there is a lack of detailed data regarding Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in Palestine. Due to lack the complete data, all literature that was found, including a thesis study done in Al-Quds Open University about the OCD among school students in 11 grade was included.

Acknowledgments

Special thanks to all authors in the field of mental health in Palestine who equipped us with the relevant information for this literature.

This case represents an unusual example of extrinsic esophageal compression due to lymphoma1,2 leading to severe pill- induced esophagitis3.

[macksting]

2-12-24 00:33 - Nuances that won't stop annoying me tonight

This is personal opinions and should be taken as potentially garbage. I don't particularly have as a vice that need to always be right about things, much less authoritative. I'm just getting these out in writing because they're bothering me a lot.

The oversexualization of trans women is definitely a thing, we are not sexual just for existing. But as a... non-passing trans woman with moral scrupulosity OCD and a high libido, I don't particularly like being admonished not to... speak really sexily, I guess. It's difficult for me to do so at all, and is not made easier by admonishing me for... for talking about it. I don't... talk a lot about it, especially not here, I figure folks wouldn't necessarily be comfortable with it, so I have this really sparse sideblog devoted to sexy stuff but I just. don't engage with it much because I'm afraid of myself, for no good reasons. ... My dash is full of trans people, women and men and neither and both, sex workers and just plain libertines, who are sexy and allow themselves to be sexy, and I am grateful for that. It's difficult to talk to others about sex for me. I don't think by being openly sexual and horny I am contributing to my own oppression. And I do have transmasc friends who do talk sexy with me, and others who do not, depending in no small part on their interests and our established rapport. Iunno. It just feels bad being admonished for... being horny and wanting to be sexualized a bit. A bit. Respectfully, or a particular kind of disrespectfully with a lotta aftercare. It's hard to come by. uh, so to speak.

Vote, vote, vote, you gotta vote, if you don't vote you're giving up your only power to change things, vote vote vote if you don't vote you're as bad as Hitler, in a race between Mussolini and Hitler I'd be very concerned if you didn't vote for Mussolini, yadda yadda yadda, HOLY SHIT how do you people do it. I get it kinda, the idea that voting for one genocidal piece of work is maybe a little better than voting for the other, but... when you put that pen to paper or however you do it, how do you not feel hesitation? Sickness? How does it not plague you? How do you not feel just a little complicit? I'm not saying don't! I don't actually have an opinion on that. Maybe I should have an opinion on that. But do you just... fill in that arrow or bubble and say "I did a good thing"? or something? That man who still owes me over a thousand dollars that I could really use right now because we are homeless is personally responsible for countless dead Palestinians right now, and I know that Trump would have done the same, perhaps worse, but -- but voting for him makes me feel like I'm condoning it, worse it makes me feel like I am personally a little responsible for him being there to do this. And not just this. The expansion of the pipelines, the -- shit I don't even remember any of the good or bad he's done right now, just the continuing construction of the border wall, just the fuckin' shit he's doing to indigenous peoples all over the world including here in the States. I know, I know, Trump would do it too and prolly worse I don't care because what bothers me is the endorsement, the filling in the little arrow bubble thing that says Yes Daddy Go For It Kill In My Name. It's directly contributing to someone being in that genocidal seat doing genocidal things! It's pulling the lever on the fucking trolley track to hit what I hope is fewer than five people but it never is. It never is. It's five people on either side of the track, and if I don't pull the lever, I am not personally responsible for turning the trolley to kill *those* five people, and it really does take something out of me. It inflicts moral fucking injury on me to ... to say Yeah This One Not The Other One. I'm not doing enough. I don't know how to do enough. I am self-isolating because I may have COVID and be asymptomatic, but I can't really self-isolate because we are in a homeless shelter that consists of little Pallet-branded pods and I am inflicting the same poverty traumas on my kid that I had growing up and they're gonna grow up as fucked up as I am and that may literally kill them. I feel like I am killing my child. I am sending them to school during a fucking pandemic that's killing thousands a day. I just don't know how to do the right thing. I know it involves direct action, but every time I try to do that, my whole brain screams and freezes up because it always goes so wrong, nobody likes me, they see how I fidget and how I speak out against useless gossip (I now know particularly what bothers me is what's called lashon hara), they see me trying to volunteer for tasks like cleaning or bean-counting and call me toxic. I know I must be doing things wrong, I know I must be. But they never agree on what. It's always something different. My presence is disruptive, I can't help anybody, I can't help myself, I can't help my family, I can't I can't talk about sex, I can't talk about how much it hurts to pretend for a moment to support genocide, I can't talk about being so poor that our whole worldly possessions are about to go up for auction including every possession my child owns because it's *venting*, I can't talk about my childhood even when I think I'm telling a funny story because it's *venting*, I can't do anything without causing someone some injury and I don't know what to do about it. Um. Maybe ignore everything I just wrote. I just needed to get it off my chest. Please forgive me for putting this out there. I need to, but you don't need to care. There's an artist in the Philippines I'm rather fond of, maybe go check out his work.

Location: Pallet shelter in the PNW, using mobile hotspot and laptop (Breq)

Music: Blues Run The Game, cover by Simon & Garfunkle

[drpurishomoeopathy]

HOMOEOPATHY FOR PICA

Pica is a behavioral disorder characterized by the persistent consumption of non-nutritive substances for at least one month. These substances may include dirt, chalk, clay, paper, ice, soap, or even paint. Pica is most commonly seen in children, pregnant women, and individuals with certain mental health disorders, although it can affect people of all ages.

Causes of Pica

The exact cause of pica is not entirely understood, but several contributing factors include:

1. Nutritional Deficiencies:

• Deficiencies in minerals like iron, zinc, or calcium are often linked to pica. The body may crave these substances to compensate for the deficiency.

2. Mental Health Disorders:

• Pica is sometimes associated with conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or intellectual disabilities.

3. Cultural or Socioeconomic Factors:

• In some cultures, eating non-nutritive substances may be a traditional practice.

4. Pregnancy:

• Hormonal changes and increased nutritional needs during pregnancy may trigger pica in some women.

Symptoms of Pica

• Eating substances like dirt, ice, clay, starch, or hair.

• Potential complications such as:

• Infections (due to ingestion of contaminated materials).

• Gastrointestinal Blockages.

• Toxicity (e.g., lead poisoning from consuming paint).

Diagnosis of Pica

Pica is diagnosed based on:

• Persistent cravings for non-food items lasting over a month.

• Clinical evaluation to rule out other conditions.

• Tests for underlying nutritional deficiencies or related medical conditions.

Conventional Treatment of Pica

Conventional treatment involves addressing underlying causes:

• Correcting nutritional deficiencies (iron, zinc, etc.).

• Behavioral therapy for mental health conditions.

• Monitoring and managing complications such as toxicity or infections.

Homoeopathy medicines for pica

Calcarea Carbonica

This remedy is effective for individuals who crave non-food items like chalk, lime, or dirt. It is especially suited for people with sluggish metabolism, obesity, and excessive sweating, particularly on the head. These individuals often feel cold, tire easily, and have weak digestion. They may also experience anxiety and a dislike for physical exertion.

Alumina

Alumina is recommended for those with cravings for substances such as sand, mud, or chalk, often accompanied by chronic constipation and dryness of mucous membranes. It is suitable for people who are mentally sluggish, have poor digestion, and feel confused or slow in their thoughts.

Natrum Muriaticum

This remedy is ideal for individuals who crave salty substances, raw rice, or even ice. It is often prescribed for emotionally sensitive people who suppress grief or sadness. These individuals are usually lean, introverted, and prone to anemia, with symptoms like dry lips and frequent headaches.

Silicea

Silicea is recommended for people who crave sand, earth, or clay, often due to nutritional deficiencies. It is particularly effective for individuals who are weak, underweight, and prone to infections. They are usually chilly, have low immunity, and experience excessive sweating on their hands and feet.

Carbo Vegetabilis

This remedy is beneficial for those who consume inedible items and suffer from bloating, flatulence, or indigestion. It is particularly suited for elderly or weak individuals who recover slowly from illnesses. Symptoms may include weakness, fainting, and a craving for fresh air.

China Officinalis

China is suitable for people with pica caused by malnutrition, anemia, or chronic weakness. These individuals may crave sour foods or earthy substances. They are often exhausted, irritable, and sensitive to touch, with symptoms like excessive flatulence.

Zincum Metallicum

This remedy is indicated for those with cravings for chalk, dry leaves, or paper, often linked to nervous exhaustion. It is particularly useful for individuals who are restless, experience nervous tics, or suffer from leg cramps. Additional symptoms include insomnia and irritability.

Hepar Sulphur

Hepar Sulphur is beneficial for individuals craving ashes or charcoal, particularly those who are sensitive and prone to infections. It is often prescribed for people with a tendency toward inflammation, abscesses, or chronic respiratory issues.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

ooh a life update *stares*/mild vent oopsie

sometimes (my every waking moment) I’m like “wow college should not cost this much money” and it really fr fr doesn’t feel worth it because why the fuck do I have to pay to apply to have a place to stay on campus

like I wish my 3.6 GPA got me a full ride or smth but nooo my academics have to be perfect or I have to play a sport and my leggies are not built for any of that

My pipeline was “does homework at the end of the day in class to watch animal shows at home” to “comes home and watches sillies then sleeps”, none of that is related to Kicking A Ball or Throwing Something.

sometimes I wish I contributed more to that type of thing but like……I don’t know if I’d still be the same person or if I just…..it’s odd. I want to feel appreciated by my school but I don’t want them to take credit for something I did myself.

My HS isn’t responsible for showing me how to write well, the internet and writing shitty smut since 2017 did that. I did that myself by building my skills. But they don’t care unless you win stuff for it. They don’t care about your passions for creating change and not liking authority because of how hypocritical it is. You want me to throw a fucking ball, or have other people be impressed by my art, or never have failed a class (sorry, I can’t control when my depression and OCD flare up).

and then the ever looming “getting a job in my field” and paying off student loans after I’m paying thousands each month to stay in fucking school so I maybe have a career in the field im studying for

like make some noise yall (lower tuition permanently or it’s you and the woodchipper)

also another thing that sucks is knowing there’s things wrong in the world and in your government and not being able to do shit about it but call your senators and wish you could vote it away and wish you could give starved kids your meals and your water and your bed and home.

and nobody your age cares either. They’re so unaware of everything going on, or on the most surface level it makes you want to pull your hair out. And you get weird looks for being upset that things are shitty?? Like you don’t get how this is bad and why I’m mad?? How? What does it feel like to not care about anything that’s not an arms length in front of you?

anyway um. Thanks for reading. I hope I actually write that archivist fic. AND ANOTHER THING WAIT

sometimes I feel illegitimate for saying I’m a writer but I don’t write unique characters that I made or stories I created. And I almost want to invalidate it but then I remember how much depth I’ve added to characters and situations and what they’re like, and just sprinkling a bit of ✨spice ✨ into their design. Idk. It’s weird. Like I get what writers mean when they’re talking about writing but I don’t feel special because I feel like what I’ve written in terms of fanfiction isn’t impressive enough. (I fucking forgot I wrote a 10 page research paper in a night, and got to the state level of the social studies fair for one I did last year) anyway

words of advice are very welcome

have a silly for listening to me yap

[chappydev]

I don't have much to add, thank you for the answer, but there was an interesting study recently on those with comorbid OCD and OCPD - - they were shown to have heightened neural activity compared to those with only one. Take a look.

Specifically, this section:

"Furthermore, patients with OCD+OCPD exhibited increased cortical complexity in the left superior parietal lobule and left precuneus, which mediated the relationship between OCPD and OCD symptoms only in OCD patients without OCPD.

Conclusions: The co-occurrence of OCPD may contribute to the heightened severity of psychopathological symptoms and associated brain morphological alterations in patients with OCD, indicating distinct but interrelated constructs between these 2 disorders."

Apologies, this is a special interest of mine, as I have comorbid OCD and OCPD. The OCD diagnosis has been around a while but I only got diagnosed with OCPD last week, but I've evidently shown signs of unique behaviors since I was a toddler. Another paper suggested that those with comorbid OCPD/OCD started showing OCD signs younger - - my earliest OCD memories are from third grade (avoiding stepping on cracks, stepping perfectly on tiles, checking doors three times). So there's clearly something going on here.

Neurodiversity

Neurodivergence refers to variations in neurological functioning that diverge from what is considered typical or "neurotypical." While there is no single, universally agreed-upon list, neurodivergent disorders generally include conditions that affect cognition, behavior, perception, or social functioning.

1. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) (controversial as a separate diagnosis)

Asperger’s Syndrome (outdated term, now part of ASD)

2. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

ADHD (Predominantly Inattentive Type)

ADHD (Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type)

ADHD (Combined Type)

3. Learning Disabilities & Processing Disorders

Dyslexia (difficulty with reading and language processing)

Dyscalculia (difficulty with math and numerical processing)

Dysgraphia (difficulty with writing and fine motor skills)

Auditory Processing Disorder (APD)

Visual Processing Disorder (VPD)

Nonverbal Learning Disability (NVLD)

4. Intellectual Disabilities

Global Developmental Delay

Down Syndrome

Fragile X Syndrome

Williams Syndrome

Prader-Willi Syndrome

5. Communication Disorders

Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder

Speech Sound Disorder

Childhood Apraxia of Speech

Selective Mutism

6. Tic Disorders

Tourette Syndrome

Chronic Motor or Vocal Tic Disorder

Provisional Tic Disorder

7. Mental Health Conditions Often Considered Neurodivergent

Schizophrenia Spectrum & Other Psychotic Disorders

Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective Disorder

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Delusional Disorder

Mood Disorders with Neurological Features

Bipolar Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder (long-term cases cause atrophy in brain regions like the hippocampus)

Dysthymia (Persistent Depressive Disorder)

Anxiety & Related Conditions

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) (sometimes considered)

Panic Disorder (sometimes considered)

Trauma-Related Disorders (sometimes included)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (when it significantly alters cognition and sensory processing)

Complex PTSD (CPTSD)

Dissociative Disorders

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

Personality Disorders (Not all PDs)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD)

8. Sensory Processing Differences

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) (not formally recognized in DSM-5 but widely acknowledged in neurodivergent communities)

9. Epilepsy & Neurological Conditions (sometimes considered)

Epilepsy

Migraines with Aura

Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE)

10. Other Conditions Sometimes Considered Neurodivergent

Hyperlexia (advanced reading ability with comprehension difficulties)

Synesthesia (cross-wiring of sensory experiences)

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) (due to high comorbidity with neurodivergence)

Autoimmune Encephalitis (when it affects cognitive function)

Neurodivergence is a broad and evolving concept, with some conditions more widely accepted as neurodivergent than others. The core idea is that neurodivergent individuals experience the world in ways that differ from neurotypical standards, often due to innate neurological differences.

[fqirycollective]

ADHD Informative Post Pt. 2

Causes

As stated in the first part (on @fqiryinfo Instagram), a heavily theorized cause of ADHD is a lack of dopamine to the pre-frontal cortex. Genetics obviously play a major role in that, however scientists are also researching the possibility of brain injuries, exposure to environmental risks (like lead) during pregnancy or early childhood, alcohol or tobacco use during pregnancy, premature delivery, and low birth weight as possible risk factors. Having these risk factors does not necessarily equal having ADHD. Another neurotransmitter besides dopamine that may contribute to ADHD symptoms is norepinephrine. Certain parts of the brain have been noted to be decreased in volume, as well as low iron and zinc levels causing a higher risk for ADHD symptoms and even a higher severity of symptoms. Despite common misconceptions, ADHD has *no* connection with sugar currently noted and has nothing to do with parental styles.

Treatment - Medication

Medicated treatment is typically broken down into three groups. These are long-lasting stimulants (like Adderall XR, Vyvanse, Biphentin, and Concerta), long-lasting non-stimulants (like Strattera), and short/immediate-acting stimulants (like Dexedrine, Dexedrine Spansule, Ritalin, and Ritalin SR). XR stands for extended release while SR stands for sustained release. This is not necessarily a medication, but iron supplements have been noted to help allivieate ADHD symptoms which makes sense with the noted iron deficiency being a risk. However, zinc supplements didn't have as much of a positive effect.

Treatment - Non-Medication

Psychoeducation: strategy instruction (sleep management, anger contron, etc.), self-talk development, organizational skills developments, information on ADHD, community resources, and support groups

Behavioral Intervention: rewards and consequences, environmental management, ADHD coaching, and lifestyle changes

Social Intervention: social skills training and parenting skills training

Psychotherapy: self-talk strategies, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy, family therapy, expressive arts therapy, and supportive counseling

Educational/Vocational Accomodations: academic remidation and specialized academic/workplace interventions

Comorbidities

"More often than not, ADHD is further complicated by comorbidity with one or more psychiatric disorders.... An adult with ADHD is six times more likely to have at least one other psychiatric disorder than an adult without ADHD." (Thomas E. Brown, PH.D.). A quote from a book to all those who would like to argue against those who believe comorbidities don't exist. Even a study found 70% of 579 children carefully diagnosed with ADHD fully met the diagnostic criteria for one or more psychiatric disorders. Cases of ADHD not complicated by another disorder are rare.

As for the disorders ADHD is often comorbid with, that would be learning disorders, anxiety disorders, mood disorders (especially Bipolar Disorder), OCD, ODD, conduct disorder, substance use disorders, and personality disorders. Bipolar disorder especially, but but mood disorders in general stem from similar neurobiology so it makes for them to be so comorbid. (Bipolar 1 is even more comorbid than Bipolar 2.) Personality disorders are reported to be present in more than 50% of adults with ADHD. Of that 50%, the most common are cluster B and C disorders with 25% of them having two or more personality disorders. Of the papers I've read, none of them mention Autism as an actual comorbidity of ADHD however that's probably because it falls under the other disorders of early childhood they frequently mentioned.

Our Own Experiences

We are professionally diagnosed with ADHD. We have genetic links on both sides of our family, as well as a lack of iron (not diagnosed with iron deficiency but we do experience symptoms at times). We were diagnosed at 13 with the inattentive type. Originally we tried Strattera as a medication, but it didn't work so we switched to another medicine and it's been working ever since (heavy dissociation messes with the effectiveness though). We have recently decided to ask to start taking iron supplements to help with symptoms. As for comorbidities, we have a comorbid mood disorder (depression however the disorder type was never specified), generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder diagnosed. We also experiences symptoms of BPD, but it's not been talked about with the mental health group we talk to so we avoid saying for sure we have it despite the genetic and trauma links. Obviously this is just in regards to this post, but yeah!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

not urgent, please feel free to take your time or ignore entirely if you feel like it! <3 /gen

so I just started solo recovery from anorexia, and in the few days it's been since I began, I've been eating three meals and snacks and not really feelong guilty for it. that's good, and I'm proud of myself for it!! but I feel like I should be having a harder time with it or it means I wasnt really sick. I know that isnt true, and that I was plenty sick, but I was just wondering if maybe you could provide some validation/reassurance?

also, do you have any advice for judging how much to eat? I'm kind of worried that recovery will lead to consistently overeating, but I dont really know how much I should be eating, so I dont know how much is too much

thank you for everything you do on this blog, it's been immensely helpful in even just making the Decision to recover, and I'm very grateful <33

Your ED is valid and you should be proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to heal! There can be a number of things that can cause the healing stage to vary. It is often typical that anorexic people will struggle to eat again just because they've spent so much time feeling like they're controlling all the difficult things in their life through food restriction, to the point where it mingles with OCD-like food rituals and compulsions. So they become scared to eat "normally" again because letting go of the compulsions feels like letting go of that control. Others struggle to eat larger portions because their stomachs have shrunk, and so eating more can be painful and bloating, which adds to their negative body image. All of these struggles are valid, but it's also possible for you to have had a restrictive eating disorder without developing these problems (or at least, without developing them YET.) That could make it easier to stop restricting.

However, I would recommend being careful. I experienced having latent restrictive-eating problems emerging down the line some time after I thought I had stopped restricting. Just because you're starting on the road to recovery doesn't mean that you're cured. If therapist-hunting isn't an option for you right now, I might suggest you examine some of the factors in your life that may have led you down the road to restricting. (If you wanted to talk to me a little bit more about that, I might have some advice more specific to your situation. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the development of an ED. A lot of times, avoiding things like diet/fitness articles can help, or just avoiding diet culture in general, as well as photoshopped images like the ones in magazines. Do people still read paper magazines? When I was in my prime restricting years it was paper magazines, but now they might be fully online. Either way, the images are super photoshopped.) Take a little time to do internal work for yourself and give yourself a little self-love in the specific areas where you're struggling mentally. Make a practice of this, and you'll have a stronger line of defense against ED resurgence. If you have the option to work with a skilled therapist on this, I highly recommend that.

As for worrying about portions - practice intuitive eating as much as possible. Try to eat whenever you're hungry. Make sure to focus on and enjoy every bite, and reflect on how your stomach and body are feeling from eating until you feel full. If you feel good from nourishing your body, reflect on that feeling. Your body deserves to feel as healthy and good as possible, make sure you always reflect on that. I tend not to give specific portion recs on this blog because different bodies need different things and I worry it will trigger others' EDs, but if you want specific portion advice you could try contacting a nutritionist. But generally, getting a varied, full-nutrient diet and then eating till you feel full. Best of luck! Let me know if there's more specific advice I could offer.

[gutsymmetry]

so unfortunately my details on this are still medium fuzzy 🥴 but here is some stuff on joan’s bg and the most significant parent in her life, her dad:

joan’s prisoner file in the show lists her birthdate as august 24, 1964 and her place of birth as korsakov, russia. korsakov is a city on the island of sakhalin at the edge of eastern russia, above japan. this information is falsified. her birthday is august 24 (virgo ass) but the year is probably off by 1 or 2, and she was not born in korsakov. rather, she was born somewhere in central or western russia (not sure where yet). her father, ivan, was a former soldier and a kgb operative responsible for some killings, some torturings, etc. her mother was... idk yet. a mission blew up in her father’s face and the blame was unfairly placed on him by his superiors, requiring him to flee, bringing baby joan and her mother with him. korsakov was where they got their falsified papers, hence why it was listed as joan’s birthplace.

ivan was not a good person. he was survival-obsessed and highly conscious that his family’s lives were in danger and that they could have to flee at any time. highly self-sufficient and demanding, he required joan to emulate him in every possible way. part of the reason she has such a variety of skills and know-how is because ivan required her to develop these; there was no question in his mind that she would do so, because to him, these were the basics of survival. joan has internalized that standard and her world without those skills is unimaginable. she cannot picture herself unable to, for example, sew a button or hotwire a car (no, fr). these are survival skills to her as necessary as the ability to place a phone call or pay a bill.

ivan is also the reason joan’s ability to connect to other people is cauterized, almost totally destroyed. as a fugitive, he believed that they might have to flee at any moment; they were also living in a new country under false identities that could be detected any time. moreover, his basic mode of functioning, as both a soldier and an operative, was through dehumanizing others. it was how he was capable of killing and hurting many, many people, and he’d come to believe that emotion represented a serious flaw and a hindrance to achievement. he did not allow joan to make friends or connect with anyone. if she did form some kind of bond, he either severed it or forced her to sever it. needless to say, he was not a loving or kind parent.

his abuse of joan was a massive contributor to her lifelong mental illness. i’m not going to go one way or the other on how such issues as OCD are formed (whether psychologically, physiologically, whatever) but the crushing pressure on joan certainly contributed to her psychological reliance on control, routine, and order, and her deep-seated fear of losing control, as well as her discomfort, even disgust, toward things she perceives as imperfect or unfinished. the words that joan uses against others in the show--“look at you, you’re worthless, pointless, you’re nothing”--are the words her father used against her when she failed him. she also received physical punishments for particularly bad “failures,” although the emotional sensation of his disgust and rejection of her could be equally, if not more devastating.

ivan died when joan was in her 20s, triggering a downward spiral. her mother had died when she was a child and joan was still quite young. to be without this central point of her world at such a formative age was devastating to her. i’m still, again, medium fuzzy on the details but i believe this phase of her life involved harming others as well as herself. this is the age when her hallucinations of ivan began to form, first purely auditory, and later both visual and auditory: unable to cope with his absence, she unconsciously summoned him back. she was, on some level, always aware that it wasn’t really him, but emotionally, he was real to her. moreover, her hallucinations of him were much kinder and more supportive than the living ivan had ever been, making them even more crucial to her well-being. her imaginary father supported, praised, and comforted her, even held her while she cried, which he had never done in life.

when her hallucinations of ivan faded at the end of s3, it was like ivan dying all over again. it was devastating to joan. of course, his voice had always come from herself, and she had more than enough strength and resilience to pull herself back up without imagining that strength as coming from her father. but the emotional impact on her was real. juni described the results in a really wonderful way that i’m going to poach, which is that every scene after s3 that shows joan muttering and pacing, trying to solve a problem--scenes that are usually played to make her seem crazy and pathological--are actually joan looking for the compass that ivan was to her.

[gloriafc]

Daddy's Girl

Spencer Reid × Jethro Gibbs daughter reader

Theres nothing Gibbs loved more than his daughter, even when she decided to join the BAU. He stayed supportive of her even if he disliked the other agencies that weren't NCIS.

After a few years of working as a profiler you started dating Spencer. Of course it took your dad some time to adjust to there being a new man in your life, but he eventually opened up to the idea of Spencer. You could only smile as you watched your dad warm up to your boyfriend once a random boat building fact came out of his mouth, "Sorry. Y/N mentioned you like to build boats. I have a habit of looking into new things." You could only watch with a smile on your face from your spot at the top of the stairs as your dad showed Spencer how to properly sand the wood on his boat.

When you and Spencer got married, your dad didn't even bat an eye, immediately telling Spencer he could have your hand. He trusted your now husband to take care of you. He saw Spencer as the son he never had, and he loved the look you got in your eye whenever you were around him, something he hadn't seen since you were a kid and went on your weekly ice cream daddy-daughter dates. Any man that made you look at him like the way you looked at icecream as a kid was good in his book.

Of course the only time Spencer ever seen your dad smile and get excited was when you told him you were pregnant. It wasn't until then that Spencer actually saw your relationship with your dad, how protective your dad could get.

Of course you and Spencer couldn't contain your excitement and ended up telling your team before they could read into a situation that wasn't there, Penelope being the most excited for another niece or nephew.

As your stomach quickly grew, all the men in your life made sure you were kept away from anything that could cause you and your unborn child any type of harm, unless absolutely necessary. Even then you typically dealt with the victims families during the cases and contributed to the profile and that was all your husband and boss seemed to let you do.

During a briefing you weren't exactly paying attention thinking you were just going to be pushing paperwork in the office after finding out the case was only in DC, and that this would be one of your last cases before maternity leave. Until Hotch hands you the file, making you look at him as you take the file, "You want me to actually join in this time." He doesn't even look at you, "Look at the ID of the body."

Closing the file you smirk and cross your arms, "You want me to pull the Daddy card." "I would like to keep this case as civilized as possible. I dont mind working alongside NCIS, maybe we'll be able to solve this faster. I'd rather have cooperation, than having to forcibly take the case." You just nod and sigh before Hotch offers you a hand and helps you up, "I'll call with what he says."

Knowing your dads sweet spot, you stop for coffee before making your way to NCIS. You can see the happiness on your dad face, as he grabs the cup of coffee and sets it on his desk before pulling you into his arms, "Hows my girl doing?" "Besides creating a human, kinda hungry actually." Your dad can only chuckle as he pulls out a piece of candy from his stash no one is aloud to touch. As you fiddle with the wrapper your dad asks, "What brings you here? Nothing exciting for the FBI to do so you came to snoop out a case?" "A name actually. Colonel Jeremy Walsh."

You can see the look on you dads face as he tries to keep himself from getting angry that the FBI is trying to take his case. "That's what you came for? To steal my case?" You sigh seeing Tony and Abby walking your way, "That's what the department head wants dad. My unit chief would rather work alongside you. I know you want to find your colonels killer for his family, but he's apart of a case with 10 other victims, 10 other families." You watch your dad think and push his buttons just a little bit, just like you did as a kid to get what you want. "Come on daddy. I already can't do much in the field, I need to make sure this son of a bitch is caught for these eleven families. If it was you or Spence I'd want to know the person who did it was caught."

Tony and Abby stop hearing you call him daddy and know something is about to go down. Your dad can only look at you before turning and grabbing his cup of coffee, "Fine. But we're working here." Tony and Abby approach you as you pull out your phone, "What was that about?" You reply as your phone rings, "Your colonel is one of my victims. Dads not too happy that we need what you've found to solve our case."

As you wait for your team to arrive Tony decides to bug you, "So were going to finally see you do your thing, with the husband we've only seen in the picture on your dads desk." You just roll your eyes from your dads chair, "There is no thing. I just profile, my boss, husband, and team don't let me go into the field at all. Unless it's to somewhere I can't get hurt."

When your team arrives and everyone is briefing on what they've found you stare at the map of all the crime scene locations. You stare with your head to the side and a hand on your swollen belly. Morgan moves so hes next to you, "What are you thinking Mama." You click your tongue at the nickname you received once everyone realized you are the mom friend of their group, "Our unsub has OCD." Your dad looks at you, impressed. Tony asks, "You got that. From looking at a map?" You crumble up the piece of paper in front of you, your team dodging as you throw the paper ball hitting Tony square in the face. Your dad chuckles knowing you purposely aimed for his face knowing you dont miss after years of softball. "Don't doubt me DiNozzo."

You fish through the pictures of the crime scenes, "And two maps actually." You pull out the pictures of the many severed limbs of your victims, "Every single body part that's been cut off is the same size. Every autopsy shows that each victim was strangled before getting stabbed and having a limb cut off. He followed a step by step routine with each killing." "If he had OCD wouldn't he have followed with head, arms, then legs? Not a group of heads, right arms, legs, and left arms." You look up at the map, "That was a different routine." You quickly grab a marker and start drawing on a clean map after making some points.

"A star?" You nod and pull out the original map you were looking at, "The different places the bodies were found are the points. We had the first and last victim in the same spot to finish off the star. We found where each body was severed and killed at the center of each arm of the star. Each arm of the star represents a different body part. The center of the star could be his home or where he was set off."

Everyone looks at you like you just found treasure, making Spencer jump in. "A star is symbolic for protection. He could be trying to protect what's at the center." You simply shrug, "Makes sense as to why none of the victims are connected, they were all just in the wrong place at the wrong time." Garcia quickly starts typing on her computer, having come along to use the NCIS data base, "Its a vacant lot, that was once an apartment complex. There was a fire that burned it to the ground, only two casualties. Oh", she stops before continuing, "Aaliyah Johnson and her unborn baby, leaving Peter Johnson widowed." Garcia looks at you after finishing her sentence and you can practically feel her picturing you in that situation.

Everyone quickly leaves, leaving you with Penelope, Kate, Abby, and Ducky, who's come out of his 'office' to chat while you all wait.

After a couple hours you start pacing, your baby being very active and making you uncomfortable, but you just push it off as you worrying about your dad and husband. Kate finally speaks up, "Do you always pace while you wait? Or is it just because it's not just your husband going after a psycho but your dad too?" You shrug, continuing to walk back and forth while Ducky starts speaking, "Its good for a pregnant person to walk around, it keeps them active. That's why when they're in labor they take laps around the floor to help speed labor up."

Just as he finishes his sentence you groan feeling liquid go down your legs, "You just had to say that didnt you." Everyone looks at you, making you look down at the now wet floor, "I really hope I just peed myself." You quickly lean forward grasping onto the table, "Nope its definitely not pee." Penelope and Kate quickly rush to your sides to help you get to the car, "We gotta get you to the hospital." You stop, "Oh no were not. I'm not doing this without Spence or my dad. I'm not doing this alone. They should be back any minute." Penelope just looks at you, "Y/N we both know they're not. Spencer would've called. He always calls when they're on their way back." You squeak out, "Maybe he forgot this time." She just shakes her head, "He'd never forget. You're not alone. I know it's scary but a happy moment. We can call them on our way there." You reluctantly agree and they help you into Kate's car.

Unable to reach anyone, you're quickly set up in a hospital room, Penelope trying her best to distract you, now that you've been given an epidural. "Just imagine what baby girl is going to look like." You smile listening to the heartbeat that's been echoing around the room since you arrived, "Like me with her father's curly mess."

When everything's been handled Spencer tries calling you, but your phone goes straight to voicemail. He tries three more time before looking at the team, "Y/N isnt answering. She always answers." Morgan quickly tries Garcia getting the same thing. Your dad tries Kate who immediately answers and starts yelling about how no one answered their phones. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Everyone waits. When your dad shuts his phone he can only look at his son-in-law, "Looks like your daughter is just as impatient as her mom. She's in labor." Everyone quickly piles into their cars and speed through the streets, sirens blaring, to the hospital Kate told your dad to go to.

By the time they get there it's too late, you've already started pushing. Penelope stays with you, holding your hand as you push, while Kate, Abby, and Ducky wait for everyone to arrive. Kate immediately stands seeing Spencer and your dad run into the room, shortly followed by everyone else. She just shakes her head, "She tried pushing it off as much as possible. She had to start pushing. It's only been a couple of minutes since we got kicked out."

Everyone sits in the waiting room, taking over the small room. Spencer cant help but fidget, his wife is giving birth without him. In the back of his mind he cant help but be thankful that Penelope was there when he couldn't be, but he also wishes it was him in there with you. Derek sets his hand on his best friends shoulder, "Hey she's not alone. And you're just minutes closer to meeting your daughter." Spencer can only nod before looking at his fingers.

Almost an hour later Penelope enters the waiting room, still in the gown making everyone stand. She keeps moving until shes right in front of Spencer, "Oh Spence. Shes beautiful. Y/Ns okay, they're both okay." Penelope can only hiccup as happy tears flood her eyes, "They're waiting for you."

Spencer can only look at your dad, not knowing what to do for once. "Trust me. You'll want to be in there alone for a little bit." Spencer walks down the hallway following Penelope's directions to your room as she stays behind, describing the features of his newborn daughter to their friends.

He stops in the doorway, seeing you sitting up in bed and holding a blanket wrapped bundle. From how quiet it is he can only think the baby is sleeping. Quietly he says, "Hey." You look up and put a finger over your mouth before gesturing him into the room. He makes his way over, standing next to you with his hand on your lower back. He kisses the top of your head before peering at the little girl who already has his heart. He chokes, "She's perfect." At the sound of his voice you watch as your daughter opens her eyes and looks around before locking eyes with her father, "She knows who you are already."

You slowly hand her to Spencer. He moves to sit in the rocking chair that's next to your bed as you let yourself get comfortable, listening to Spencer whisper random nothings to the small girl. You watch as she holds onto his finger before falling asleep again, "She has your eyes." "And your curls." You both watch the sleeping baby before hearing a knock on the door.

Seeing your dad in the doorway you smile. He makes his way to your bedside, placing a kiss on your head, "You got a carseat?" "I had it in my trunk. Was going to bring it over the weekend after this case, but looks like there was a change of plans. How are you feeling?" You smile, "Like I just gave birth to a baby. How does it feel to be a grandpa?" Your dad can only shake his head before his eyes travel to his granddaughter, "I remember when I held you the first time." You simply look at him. "I don't." You dad closes his eyes with a chuckle, "Smart ass."

Spencer stands up and you watch as he slowly hands your daughter to your dad, before moving to stand next to you. You watch your dad smile when a small yawn is heard, "What's her name?" "We couldnt pick between Alicia and Anna, so we made Annalisia." You dad shakes his head with a smile knowing just how indecisive you can be as he looks at the almost spitting image of his daughter in his arms, "Plenty of nicknames for that mouthful."

After a few more minutes theres another knock on the door and you smile seeing your team in the doorway, Penelope now holding balloons as Jj holds flowers. You watch with a smile as everyone fusses over the baby, thinking to yourself that you might be a daddy's girl and only had him growing up, but this girl will be loved by everyone in your makeshift family that you've built. When she starts crying shes immediately transferred to Spencer's arms to allow you to rest up, everyone watching as she immediately stops as she looks up at her dad, Morgan joking, "Look at that already a daddy's girl." Your dad chuckles from his spot next to you and nudges you, "Just like her mom."

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[yinzxs-wonderland]

A World in Spirals

Turtles All the Way Down is John Green’s most recent release. It was published on October 10, 2017. The story is about a sixteen-year-old girl named Aza who is always, in her own words, in a thought spiral. She has an OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which she calls the demon inside her. She never intended to investigate the mystery of fugitive billionaire Russell Pickett, but there is a huge reward. Together with her best friend, who is the exact opposite of her, they started to investigate through Pickett’s son and are eager to solve the case like they are some Sherlock Holmes. Aza is always trying. Trying to be a good daughter, friend, student, and maybe a detective, while also living within the walls of her thought spirals. This paper claims that the author wants to convey to the readers the reality of the people who have mental illnesses.

There is a wide range of mental illnesses or mental health disorders. Common examples of mental illnesses are depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and addictive behaviors (Mayo Clinic). Many people have mental health concerns, and if these concerns would not be addressed, they turn into mental illnesses. Like other illnesses, mental illnesses also have signs and symptoms. Having a mental condition hinders a person to function. Another type of mental health disorder is Obsessive-compulsive disorder. According to the International OCD Foundation, it is a disorder that “occurs when a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions.” This cycle of obsessions and compulsions gets extreme, and if not treated, it could get in the way of the person’s life who has this. Even though there are many reports regarding the rise of people who experience mental health disorders, it is still stigmatized even today.

Turtles All the Way Down is a psychological and mystery novel. The story takes place in Indianapolis, Indiana's capital city located roughly in the center of the state. It is also where John Green lives. The characters Aza and Daisy are students of White River High School. Though the school is fictional, the White River actually exists. Aza tells in the story that the river is “50 percent urine. And that's the good half.” In the story, Aza lives along the river on the side that is flooded. On the other hand, the other character, Davis, goes to a private school and lives on the other side of the river where the stone- gabled walls push the rising water to the side where Aza’s house is located. The atmosphere of the story is anxious, frustrated, remorseful, and serious.

Aza Holmes is the main character of the novel. She has a constant fear of bacteria, specifically C.diff which sends her in her thought spiral, and spends most of her time thinking if she is real. Aza has Obsessive-compulsive disorder which is a type of mental health disorder that is a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Aza calls her OCD the demon inside her and she wanted to escape from it. Aza is a dynamic character as she changes at the end of the story. Daisy, another character from the novel, is Aza’s best friend. She is bubbly, outgoing, and a big fan of Star Wars. When she heard about the reward for those who can help them find the billionaire, Russell Pickett, she asked Aza to team up with her. She asked Aza to visit Davis, son of Russell Pickett because Aza and Davis met before and hoping that Davis knows something. When Davis gave them money to keep quiet, Daisy spent so much money, and Aza told her of her irresponsible choices, but she told Aza how horrible of a friend she is. They reconciled at the end of the story. Daisy is a round character as she showed many different traits in the story. The last main character is Davis Pickett Jr. He is the son of the missing billionaire in the story. Unlike Aza and Daisy, Davis is rich, lives in a mansion, and goes to a private school. Davis, like Aza, lost one of his parents. Davis is a dynamic character because he was blinded by the privileges and wealth, but at the end of the story, he realized that that being a good brother to his younger brother is more important than money.

The story has a linear plot. It starts on a normal day in Aza and Daisy’s school, White River High School. Aza, Daisy, and her other friend, Mychal, were talking about the billionaire, Russell Pickett, who disappeared after being accused of bribery and fraud. The story starts to complicate when they heard on the radio that Pickett Engineering rewards $100,000 to anyone who could give any information about Mr. Pickett. Daisy tells Aza to team up with her to investigate. She also tells Aza that they should visit Davis as they met at the “sad camp” and that maybe he knows something about his father’s disappearance. When they asked Davis about his father, Davis thought that he should not trust others because they might be after his money. He gives Aza and Daisy $100,000 each. Daisy was ecstatic because she can now go to college. Aza and Davis continued to get to know each other and decided to unofficially date. The climax of the story was when Aza came across a Wikipedia article saying that gut bacteria communicate with the brain and so she drank hand sanitizer thinking that the bacteria inside her would die. The doctor said that she lacerated her liver so she needed to stay at the hospital. The conflict starts to resolve when Aza went back to school, and she and Daisy talked. Daisy told her a story about a woman who insisted that the world rests on the back of a turtle, which rests on the back of another turtle: turtles all the way down. Aza thinks it perfectly describes her mental state. The next day Daisy invites Aza to go to an art show in the sewer. As they walked, they realized they were in “the jogger’s mouth” which was what they discovered in Russell Pickett’s phone when they were still investigating it. The stench made them walk back. Aza tells Davis that they might have found his dad’s body. After that, Aza never heard about Davis again. Months later, the police discovered Mr. Pickett’s body. Aza immediately texted Davis saying they did not do it. Davis told her that they were the ones who told the police. Davis then visited Aza and gave her a spiral painting and told her they will move to Colorado. Aza addresses the readers that she wrote this story when a psychiatrist told her to write how she got where she is now and that through writing, she learned that she is just a singular being and there is no other identity inside her.

The major conflict of the story is man versus himself because, throughout the story, Ava continues to wonder if she is real and fights her OCD. Identity, Selfhood, and Mental Illness, Chaos vs. Order and Control, Language and Meaning, and Privilege, Power, and Wealth are the existing themes in the story. The novel is told in the first-person point of view which also contributes to the style of the author. Through Aza’s perspective, the author can convey and demonstrate how paralyzing and dangerous this type of disorder can be. The symbols in the story are the bacteria or C.diff., the Iron Man figure, the Sky, Stars, and Astronomy, and Circles and Spirals. The bacteria or C.diff. symbolizes Aza’s knowledge about bacteria because of her illness. Aza identifies the bacteria as someone who is trying to control her. The Iron Man figure represents how others look at Davis because of his wealth and his wealth makes him strong. However, the plastic material of the figure represents powerlessness. Davis feels powerless because of his inability to get a hold of the wealth of his father. Furthermore, the Iron Man figure's paint has worn off, making it faceless and featureless. This symbolizes how others see Davis, not as a person, but just as a money figure. The sky, stars, and astronomy symbolize each character differently. Aza sees the sky as fractured because most of his dad’s photographs of the sky are through tree branches and so she sees the branches as obstacles to see the sky clearly. While Davis views the sky from a treeless estate and through his telescope and so for him the sky is vast, endless, and full of opportunities. Lastly, circles and spirals symbolize Aza’s thoughts, which she calls her thought spiral. It also symbolizes how Aza perceives the world around her.

The significance of the story is that people who have mental health disorders go through different hardships. The story conveys how hard and dangerous these disorders to the people who have them. John Green mirrors the main character, Aza, because he also struggled with severe anxiety and obsessive- compulsive disorder for as long as he can remember. Once in a while, it consumes him, but he keeps it in check with medication and therapy. Green said in an interview, “I couldn’t escape the spiral of my thoughts, and I felt like they were coming from the outside.” When he was starting to recover, he also started writing Turtles All the Way Down. Green said in another interview that he does not want to be embarrassed about it, instead, he wants to talk about it. Hence, the novel was published to tell his readers and everyone who would come across the book that it is not easy to have a mental illness.

This just proves that the author wanted to convey to the readers the reality of the people who have mental illnesses. The author gave his personal experiences to the main character as her qualities in the story. Through the main character’s perspective, the author conveyed and demonstrated how having a mental health disorder is paralyzing and dangerous. Also, the author was able to share what he is going through, through publishing the book. Analyzing the novel using the formalistic approach helped in getting to know the story and through the biological approach, the paper discovered that the message of the story is that having a mental illness is not easy, but it can be fought.

Works Cited Websites

“3 Key Differences Between YA Fiction and Adult Fiction.” Writers Edit, writersedit.com/fiction- writing/3-key-differences-between-ya-fiction-and-adult-fiction/.

“About John Green.” John Green, www.johngreenbooks.com/bio. Alter, Alexandra. “John Green Tells a Story of Emotional Pain and Crippling Anxiety. His Own.”

The New York Times, The New York Times, 10 Oct. 2017, www.nytimes.com/2017/10/10/books/john- green-anxiety-obsessive-compulsive disorder.html#:~:text=Green%2C%20the%20author%20of%20the,a%20while%2C%20it%20consumes%20him. Cart, Michael.

“The Value of Young Adult Literature.” Young Adult Library Services Association (YALSA), 15 Nov. 2011, www.ala.org/yalsa/guidelines/whitepapers/yalit. Doll, Jen. “What Does 'Young Adult' Mean?”

The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 30 Oct. 2013, www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2012/04/what-does-young-adult-mean/329105/.

“John Green Books.” John Green, www.johngreenbooks.com/books. Lindquist, David. “John Green's 'Turtles' at Home in Indianapolis.” The Indianapolis Star, IndyStar, 13 Oct. 2017, www.indystar.com/story/entertainment/arts/2017/10/11/john-green-made-turtles-an-indianapolis-story/754951001/.

LitCharts. “Turtles All the Way Down Study Guide.” LitCharts, www.litcharts.com/lit/turtles-all-the- way-down.

Martin, Julia. “Turtles All The Way Down: A Story about Mental Illness with the Backdrop of a Mystery.” University News, 7 Nov. 2017, info.umkc.edu/unews/turtles-all-the-way-down-a-story-

January 2021

[julien-schuester]

INTRODUCING: JULIEN SCHUESTER

{joe keery, male, he/him} - hey look it’s {julien schuester}!! i heard they are {17} and a {senior} at {mckinley high}!! someone also told me that they are {+gregarious, +talented} and {-anxious, -pushover} but it could be just a rumor!

BASICS

Full Name: Julien Dean Schuester Nickname: Jules (family only) Birthday: October 8 Age: 17 Sign: Libra Hometown: Lima, OH Sexuality: Heterosexual Education: Senior at WMHS (Class of 2041)

LIKES/DISLIKES

LIKES: hockey, performing, playing the drums, journey, classic rock, old cars, new iphones, iced tea, outdoor fire pits, big groups, loud rooms, being the center of attention, the smell of fresh laundry, his hair, pretty girls, ice skating rinks

DISLIKES: expectations, disappointing his parents, being alone, messes, pure silence, making decisions, getting yelled at, writing papers, stepping on the lines in between tiles

TL;DR BIO

Julien is the youngest Schuester and therefore feels the greatest amount of pressure from his dad to carry on his legacy. Julien is a natural born performer and leader, and is often described as the leading man of the New Directions. As a child, he wanted to play football or baseball but never pursued it because he saw how disappointed it made his father. When he got to high school and it was time to decide between doing the fall play or spring musical vs. a sport, he always chose theater in order to remain the golden child in his father’s eyes. His saving grace was hockey, a winter sport that didn’t conflict with any of his performing arts. When Julien started playing hockey, he completely fell in love with it. Sometimes he thinks he likes it more than he likes being in glee club, but he’d never utter that aloud. He’s getting ready for his senior year and to apply for college and his dilemma is trying to figure out how to tell his parents he wants to leave the arts behind. 

FULL BIO

Julien Dean Schuester was born on October 8 to Will and Emma Schuester. He was the last of their “happy accidents,” and a true miracle baby due to there being a lot of complications with his birth, namely that he was premature. After he was born and it was clear to Will and Emma that none of his birth complications would have longterm effects, it was a huge relief. But Emma, ever the worrier, still coddled him which ultimately resulted in him being a tried and true mama’s boy. The fact that he suffered from the same condition as her, albeit his OCD was substantially less severe, only made his attachments to her stronger.

It was no secret that Will Schuester was a bit of a Lima legend. It was no secret that the same would be expected of his children. It was easier for Julien to manage the pressure and expectations when his brother Daniel was around, but because of their age gap, he moved out when Julien was 10 or 11 years old. Therefore, for his formative pre-teen and teen years, he was the only son in the house and he felt the burden of Will’s expectations on a daily basis. 

All of the schiblings were undoubtedly musically and artistically gifted, but none of them shared in their father’s extreme passion for the arts. Finn was talented enough, but her path led to her working more behind the scenes and having her own radio show. Wren, on the other hand, was a great artist and actively rebelled against the idea of being in glee club or anything or the sort, despite her talents. These factors largely contributed to why Julien felt like a lot of the pressure to live up to the Schuester name fell on him. Whether or not that was true was up for debate, but he certainly believed it. 

The reality was though, Julien liked Glee club and performing. He was good at it, he liked the attention he got from it, and it made him happy to make his dad happy. The only problem was that he didn’t only like Glee Club and there were other parts of him that he wanted to explore as well but didn’t, because he thought it’d disappoint his father. One of these was sports. He could never do football because of the fall play and he could never do baseball because of the spring musical. Glee and theater were to always come first, so if he wanted to do a sport, Will told him it would have to be a winter one. That was how Julien discovered hockey. He started playing when he was in sixth grade and got surprisingly good at it. 

Julien is currently a junior in high school therefore he’s bracing himself for all of the big decisions he’ll have to make come his final year at McKinley. He’s still a part of the New Directions, swiping solos left and right, and absolutely thriving. However, what no one knows is that instead of applying to NYADA and other schools like it, the youngest Schuester is working with his coach to try and get scouted to play college hockey. As much as he loves glee and performing, he’s realizing that he doesn’t want to make it a part of his career. He wants to be able to go to college and go to parties or join a fraternity and just enjoy himself. But he’s a people pleaser at heart, so whether or not he’ll be able to go with his gut and carve out his own path is still undetermined. 

[yabilavadia]

Barangay San Gabriel Tuguegarao City, Cagayan

Disasters can happen anytime and anywhere. With that possibility, different barangays all over the Philippines have their own ways in order to combat future challenges and minimize the number of possible casualties. For this specific topic, I went to the barangay hall to answer my curiosity about my grandmother’s barangay, which is Brgy. San Gabriel in Tuguegarao City, Cagayan preparedness whenever there will be disasters that will hit the barangay where I belong. I was able to interview one of the barangay kagawad which is my grandmother, Mrs. Juana S. Lavadia, to give answers to my curiosity.

The questions asked were divided into three different sets to better address the questions orderly.

Under the topic HAZARD IDENTIFICATIONMy first (1st) question was all about the disasters that hit the barangay. Just last week, a widespread flash flood engulfed a big portion of Tuguegarao City, including Barangay San Gabriel. This was caused by the non-stop rain due to the tail end of a cold front triggered by the monsoon and the Super Typhoon Tisoy that struck the Visayas regions. The flood affected almost all of the constituents of Barangay San Gabriel even if geographically, the village is situated at a higher area than other Barangays. The barangay does not experience flooding like other places in the city as well.

For my second (2nd) question, I asked what are the dangers that affected our community. She then narrated that besides the natural calamities, the dangers than can affect the community are the man-made disasters like chemical hazards brought by burning of plastic and toxic materials which are now banned by the law. This greatly contributes to the climate change which is a very big problem right now.

For my third (3rd) question, I asked about the signs if there is an imminent catastrophe. Fortunately, there are easily accessible media where concerned agencies like the Philippine Atmospheric Geophysical Astronomical Services Administration, PHILVOLCS, OCD, NDRRMC can send out alerts regarding incoming calamities.

For my fourth (4th) query, I asked how frequent disasters happen in our barangay. Though it can’t be predicted, it can be stated that calamities pass through the community on a quarterly basis.

Next topic I tackled during the interview was all about VULNERABILITY, ASSESSMENT AND PEOPLE AT RISK

The first (1st) question I asked under this topic are the people that will be most affected in case of any disasters, where is the most vulnerable area and the safest place to go in case of any emergencies. It is said that the villagers with houses constructed at the Maya Street in this barangay will likely to be affected the most.

For my second (2nd) question, I asked about the problems of the barangay that he believes is hindering the barangay from developing. One thing that can be observed that is a hindrance against the growth and the comeback of the community after being hit by a calamity is the waste management. Some people just tend to dump their garbage or the things that aren’t useful anymore with no proper segregation. This becomes a big problem when the garbage gets piled up on the streets.

Another topic is all about CAPACITY AND DISASTER MANAGEMENT ASSESSMENT

For my first (1st) and second (2nd) queries, I asked what the barangay is doing in preparation / evacuation and in the event of any major danger such as hurricanes, floods, earthquakes. She showed us a paper containing their plans in case of any disasters. He further explained about what is written on the paper which is that they assigned tasks to different teams to oversee different situations. Some are responsible for the traffic flow, food, evacuation, security maintenance, fire, relief operations and medical support. Other than that, there are those who volunteered themselves to help in the barangay in case of any emergencies. He also said that they have trainings and seminars for the people, especially those in their team, to better prepare them of any disasters.

For my third (3rd) question, I asked about the current programs, systems, tools, facilities or capabilities does the barangay have that can help people, services and livelihoods recover from the impact of the disaster. He reiterated about the barangay’s action plan, seminars and trainings, taking drills seriously, such as the earthquake drill conducted nationwide just previously. He also said that the barangay has four different evacuation centers that catered to the people way back 2017 when the big fire happened that until now is serving its purpose.

For my last question (4th) under this topic, I asked who are in charge of preparing, dealing with and responding to disasters. Primarily, the barangay officials are tasked to carry out the preparations before the calamity strikes. They will then be assisted by the city local government and the Philippine national police when needed. She said that the different teams are in charge, with the guidance and help of the admins and kagawads as well in case of any problems that might occur.

After the interview with Kagawad Lavadia, I walked around my barangay and captured some photos that best portray the following:

a.  Hazardous practice-  As mentioned in the interview by Kagawad Lavadia, the barangay’s biggest problem is the garbage management. I think that the insufficient trash cans around are the biggest factors why there are a lot of garbage being collected. Here is one example of a hazardous or unwanted practice.

b.  Safest Space-  The streets around the barangay are rather clean and peaceful, therefore I can say that I consider these places as the safest space. During the interview, She was able to share that they make sure that the streets around the barangay are always safe.

c.  Best Practices-  Even with the garbage problem in the area, they still do their best to combat these and here is one example. It is garbage container where we put our weekly wastes. I think that even if the barangay is facing garbage problems, they still do their best to provide the people a solution to the problem and I think that it helps the people in cleaning their spaces and observing proper segregation.

After the interview and my “walk” around the barangay, I begun to appreciate the actions done by the barangay to secure the safety of the people in case of any disasters that will happen. Since my family frequently stays at my grandparents’ house during vacation, I also felt somewhat safer because of the details I learned and it is good that I have knowledge about the places I can go to and must avoid in case of any emergencies. Like what they say, it is really better to know something just in case of sudden calamities. I have also learned that proper waste management will really help a lot in decreasing the effect of calamities.

[clareannisbandola-blog]

Beyond What the Eye Can See

The book Fun Home, written by Alison Bechdel, is no ordinary memoir. Alison writes about her life through the form of a “tragicomic”, revealing details of her life through narration, dialogue, and vivid imagery. This visual form of writing allows Alison to provide the audience with a more visual and clarified representation of her life. Every person has their own form of reality and perceive things differently. Thus, people are often unable see beyond what their eyes display. Consequently, the world has this mentality that disabilities are only physical, and hence must be visible to others. Throughout her memoir, Bechdel shares the struggles she undergoes are she experiences life with a disability. Bechdel demonstrates through text as well as visual aid, that disabilities can be internal and still greatly impact an individual. 

Disability by definition is a physical or mental condition that limits a person’s abilities (Merriam-Webster). Though this is the scientifically accurate definition of disability, the world has formed a unanimous stigma around disability, associating it only with its physical attributes. The research paper, “Provocations for Critical Disability Studies” further accentuates the notion of the disregard of mental disabilities, stating that one is likely to encounter disability in poststructuralist criticism. This research implies that people reject the scientific and positivist aspirations behind the meaning of disability. This is detrimental to those who suffer from non-physical disabilities in its various forms and thus do not receive the help and support they require. 

Alison struggled to cope with her Obsessive Compulsion Disorder (OCD), as she received little to no acknowledgement nor support from her family members. Alison did not display the physical signs of distress, and therefore from an outsider’s perspective Alison seemed like a perfectly healthy, functionable child. What could not be seen was the internal pain that this disability forced onto Alison. Alison’s mother expressed concern about Alison’s behaviour once, but even then only asked if Alison was ating this way because she felt guilty about something. Rather than truly acknowledging the disability Alison was faced with, her mother associated the erratic behaviours to Alison’s own doing, which considerably contributed to Alison’s challenging childhood.

It was devastatingly hard to read that in Alison’s memoir she was neglected for having this pressing disorder. After reading the memoir, I realized that I had faced a similar experience in my own childhood. Growing up I had always thought that I had a focusing disability, however my parents did not see what I was feeling on the inside. My parents therefore claimed that I was being dramatic and was perfectly fine. Finally at 19 years old, I got tested for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and passed with flying colours. I am not blaming my parents for neglecting to acknowledge that I obtained this disability. My childhood was great and I did very well in school despite the inability to focus at times. I just wish they could have seen in me what I saw in myself. 

This goes to show that even people you surround yourself with, whether it be family, friends, or partners, no one can truly see beyond what their eyes show them. And it is because of this that we have to accept people and not make any assumptions about them as we will never really know what physical, mental, emotional struggles or disabilities they are dealing with.