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i-will-be-forever-yours · 4 years

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Cuts Run Deep

A/N: This one is pretty close to my heart. I have struggled with cutting and anxiety and depression for a while now. Some days it get’s to be too much, and that’s okay. However, I want to tell any of you who are struggling with depression or anxiety, you are not alone. Don't discredit yourself, for you are SO special. If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate. I won’t judge you at all bc the truth is that this needs to be talked about more. We, as a society, need to normalize the need for help in the battle of mental illnesses. I’m here for you, as a person who has struggled themselves. It may seem like you are drowning, but there is a way out of this. I love you all. Thanks for reading.

Warnings: Couple curse words, talk of cutting and self harm and suicide. PLEASE don't read if this makes you uncomfortable. (TRIGGER WARNING)

Summary: Shawn and Y/n are so in love, but words can hurt and cuts run deep. Can Shawn bring her back and show how much he loves her???

Word Count: 2.5k

my masterlist

posted 4-4-20

not my gif

Shawn was in the studio this morning so Y/n thought she’d clean the house a bit. She had just gotten back from an overseas trip and was at home resting from all the lights and cameras. She was used to the photos being taken of her and the articles being written about her since she already had a name for herself in Hollywood, being an up and coming actress. That’s not to say that some of the articles about her didn’t sting, but she never thought she’d be so spitefully talked about when she started dating Shawn. The media truly had a field day at her expense, but she never told Shawn how she truly felt, wanting to spare his feelings because she knew how hurt he’d be if he found out what people were saying about her. Of course, he knew about the articles and tabloids, but he didn’t know of the snide comments she got from her coworkers or fans as she walked down the street. He didn’t understand how hurt she was, and she wanted to keep it that way. She couldn’t bear to unload her baggage on him, when he had so much he dealt with on a daily basis.

They met just under two years ago. It was pretty cliche, but to them it was truly was love at first sight. Rain was pouring down on the streets outside as Y/n ran to a small coffee shop to try and avoid the brewing storm. However, just as she was reaching for the door handle, she made contact with another hand. Pulling her hand back in surprise she looked up at this man. He had the warmest smile and the most beautiful eyes.

“I- uh,” she coughed, trying to clear her throat before continuing, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.”

Eyes shining bright, he said,chucking, “Well that makes two of us.” Holding the door open for her he followed her in. Once inside the safety of the cafe he introduced himself saying, “Hi, I’m Shawn,” while stretching out his hand to shake.

Looking at his outstretched hand and then back into his brown eyes she replied, “I know who you are. I’m a big fan of your music.” Slightly embarrassed, she took his hand and gave it a light shake before continuing. “My name is Y/n. Uh- Y/n Y/L/n.”

“No way! As in Y/n L/n the actress? I’ve seen a couple of your movies. You are so talented, especially in that murder thriller,” he gushed with flushed cheeks and a big smile adorning his face.

After ordering they sat down together and talked for over an hour, but it felt like a couple of seconds. Time flew by and next thing they knew they were exchanging numbers with the promise to meet up again. Now, almost two years later, they are living together and Shawn plans on proposing to her on their second anniversary. He has it all thought out, they are going to a romantic picnic and then going back to the coffee shop where they met. It will be there where he’ll drop to one knee and ask the question that’s been plaguing his thoughts for the past weeks.

However he is currently at the studio, as he’s been extremely busy finishing writing a song for her. It’s taken a toll on his stress, but he knows it’ll be worth it. He is really proud of the turnout and is ready to call it a day, after he finishes the last couple chords, to finally go cuddle with Y/n back home.

- At their shared home -

Y/n was content with the amount of cleaning she had done and decided to kick back and relax. She threw on one of Shawn’s shirts and sat in front of their large flatscreen in the living room. Lost in her thoughts after catching sight of the photo next to the tv. It was a picture of the two of them, looking at each other. They were completely smitten, and everyone knew it. Sure they had their disagreements, but so does every couple. Their love for each other was strong enough to know that they would always be there for each other. Even after the worst fights, in the end, they knew they’d be alright.

She was brought back when her twitter app notified her name being tagged in a tweet that was getting a lot of feedback. Opening up her phone she saw a hashtag trending that stated “#Mendes dump L/n”. She usually ignores things like this that pops up on her feed, but something prompts her to open it, and she later wishes she hadn’t.

It was just another thing that belittled Y/n and made her feel more insecure. It’s not the actual tweet which bothered her, but it was the comments from all the fans. So many people were jumping in and saying how ugly she was, or how she doesn’t deserve Shawn. She always grew up feeling like that. Never knowing if people were using her or whether people truly liked her or not. Since a very young age, she struggled with anxiety and inner demons. Her parents thought she made it up and constantly ignored her begging for medication to help her not feel like that anymore. She wanted something to calm her racing heart and needed relief from the anxiety that coursed through her veins, but no one heard her pleas. They fell to deaf ears. It got worse in high school when she started isolating herself. She would put up a mask to hide the depression and anxiety. It felt like no one saw who she truly was, but people liked the person she was with the mask. That mask started to become who she was.

It got so bad that she would cut herself. As the tears streamed down her face, she brought the razor to her wrist and would cut line after line into her soft flesh. She watched as the blood pooled out and felt a sense of calm, and now again she thought about it. She thought about the distraction and almost relief she felt from the pain that cutting brought. It felt like her problems left as the blood pooled out with the dark red. She wanted that relief again.

Getting up from the couch and going into the bathroom where she kept a razor, while in the back of her mind she told herself she was foolish for believing the lies that the people spewed, she held it with trembling hands. Then she remembered Shawn. The handsome man she’d fallen for, with a broad smile and the most generous heart. Then, remembering how he’d been spending more and more time at the studio. Maybe they were right and perhaps he needed someone more stable and beautiful by his side. Someone who could be confident with themselves, despite the dirt and shit people threw at her. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. So used to the emptiness, it felt like second nature to be in this position. It didn’t stop her from questioning her decision, but she knew she wanted the best for Shawn. Maybe, just maybe if she killed herself Shawn could find someone who made him happy, she thought.

Stripping out of her clothes and stepping into the shower with the razor in her hand, she let her tears mix with the pounding water. The water was burning her skin, but she didn’t even feel as it left her skin raw and burning. All Y/n felt at that moment was the emotional toll that years of scrutiny had left her. Her mind was cloudy and dazed and she held the sharp point to her wrist. Applying a little pressure, she winced when she dragged it across her skin. Blood almost immediately started to run out of the cut. Years of cutting left her with the knowledge of how deep to cut without leaving scars. Not starting off too deep was her plan, because she knew she had to build up to it. She cut again and again and watched as the blood escaped her tiny cuts. The cuts were light but her wounds ran deep. The pain was not external but was a raging storm within. It clouded her judgment and thoughts, to the point where she couldn’t feel anything but pain.

Her physical pain didn’t even phase her. She could only focus on the blood as it mixed with the water on the shower tile on the floor. Ragged, short breaths left her as Y/n thought about all the comments from the media and people. Falling back against the shower wall she clutched her wrist to her chest. She wanted it to end, the assault of the hateful words trashing in her head like a raging beast. Her thoughts were so overwhelming in her head that she didn’t hear Shawn calling her name.

- Shawn’s side-

Walking in the door, Shawn tosses his keys into the bowl by the entryway. Looking around he breathes out a deep sigh, letting out his stress. He was ready for this, ready to take the next step with the love of his life. So, as he made his way further into their shared home he wasn't even fazed when he heard the shower running. It brings about a sense of domesticity for him. However, his brows knit together when he hears cries coming from inside the bathroom. Calling out Y/n’s name with no response causes his heart rate to start picking up. Rushing in, he flings the door of the ensuite bathroom open and sees a sight that makes his heart break. There was Y/n, the love of his life, was sitting with her head down and her hands clutched to her chest. Moving closer, his heart pounds and his vision begins to spin at the sight red dripping down her left forearm.

Pulling open the shower door he stands dumbfounded as Y/n quickly looks up at him, with bloodshot eyes and a broken expression on her face. It wasn’t even her appearance that made his heart come to a crashing stop. No, it isn’t how her breath hitches in her throat or even the way she sits there on the floor of the shower looking up at him. It is what he sees in her hand, what he sees running down her arms. In those couple seconds, he realizes he needs to help her. So, grabbing the hand towel on the hook, he wraps it around her damaged wrists, careful to not cause too much pain in his attempt to catch the rapidly decreasing blood flow. Silence overtakes them as he dresses and tends to her arm. It’s a couple minutes before Shawn has the courage to speak up.

“I- uh, Love… Why did you do this?” he questions in a weak voice, once safely of the shower.

She doesn’t say anything, but instead falls into his body and cries. Wrapping another towel around her soaked frame, he wraps his arms around her to bring her closer. No words are spoken as he guides them to the bedroom and he holds her in his strong arms against his chest.

Y/n had her head against his chest, and something about the steady beat of his heart calms her. Just him being there calms the storm that rages war in her head. Her breathing has slowed and she feels better. Shawn looks down and sees she is now more relaxed. No longer are there tears or fear, but it has since been replaced with a look of emptiness.

With much trepidation, he speaks up saying, “Honey, tell me why. What made you do this? You know I love you so much. I-if I found y-you dead… I don’t know what I would do. You are the best thing to happen to me Y/n Y/l/n. Don’t forget that.”

Y/n looks at him, hearing the vulnerability in his voice. She nods into his chest and takes a few calming breaths before replying, “I just read a- some tweets that- um- that said you should break up with me. And I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t read things like that. But something about it reminded me of what I’ve been told my whole life. I don’t know, I guess I started to believe them. I mean with you at the studio a lot lately.” She started to ramble, “and that’s fine! I am not trying to be clingy. I was just thinking maybe there is a better person-”

“Stop. No, don’t say that love. You are the only right person for me. I knew that when I met you in the coffee shop that day. I’ve loved you since then. Okay? Don’t listen to their lies. If they cannot see that you are so loved, then that’s on them. You are so amazing and beautiful, and I love you so much. There is no one that I would rather be with. Okay- uh so, I had a whole big plan for this but I cannot wait any longer. I need you to understand how much I love you.” he stated before getting up and moving to their shared closet. She hears him rummaging around before she sees him coming out again.

“Y/n Y/l/n, you are so special to me. Your smile brightens my day and leads me back home in the craziest storms. There’s not a moment when you aren’t on my mind, and I want to marry you-”

“Shawn what-” she gasped in shock, quickly sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed, with the towel still wrapped around her soaked frame.

Bending on one knee, he grabs her left hand, conscientious of the bandaging, and in a voice thick with emotion he asks, “Y/n Y/l/n, will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”

“I- I, yes! I love you,” she cries. However, her tears are for a completely different reason. He stands up and places the ring on her finger and kisses her. The kiss is slow and deep. It’s not like any other kiss they’ve shared, not after coming home from a party turned on, or even the first kiss they shared. No, this kiss is so symbolic, and emotional, and it’s not until they break for air do they come back from that bliss.

Once again laying upon the bed, with Y/n in Shaw's arms he whispers, “Who’d've thought that we’d get engaged with you only in a towel and in our bedroom?” He has a cheeky grin on his face, and she knows what he is implying. She chuckled with him before he continued, “We are going to have proper engagement. You need to act surprised too. All our family will be there and want to see your reaction. For now, how about I take care of that towel. We have a lot to celebrate.”

She looks at him and smiles, ducking her head into his neck. Nodding her head in a silent agreement, she starts to place small kisses onto the underside of his chin. He tightens his grasp on her and flips her so he’s hovering atop her. A smirk plays on his lips as he slowly pulls either side of the towel from around her. Yeah, the night has just begun.

_________

Please reblog and let me know if you liked it or if you hated it. Talk to me, and let me know your ideas for writing. Love you guys!

#shawn mendes imagine #angst #writing #imagine #shawn angst

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carolinenicolettes · 5 years

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MEET CAROLINE ESTELLE NICOLETTE !

(IN)CORRECT QUOTE -

“ this is taking too long ! i’m going to miss the farmer’s market ! ” —scary terry or scary caroline? who knows

“ she liked messy beds and movie nights without any lights on. she liked the quiet company of a few good friends. her idea of love was gentle and silent, like a whisper of a touch. some things are magical and magic, contrary to popular opinion, is often found in the most ordinary of places. ”

BASIC

NAME: caroline estelle nicolette NICKNAMES: n o p e it is caroline or NADA AGE: 21 BIRTHDAY: may 1st SPECIES: starchild GENDER: cisfemale PRONOUNS: she/her

FAMILY

MOTHER: amelia nicolette — born into money, massive name in the fashion industry, only wears fashionable power suits and celestial themed jewelry, drinks expensive whiskey neat FATHER: unknown PARENTS: raised by her mother, kind of. had a nanny named maggie growing up whom she loved dearly and was very good friends with a doorman named robert as well. it takes a village, you know. FAMILY: direct relation to the nicolette family that you all know and love aka odette. caroline’s mother is odette’s father’s sister. SIBLINGS: not at all.

PHYSIAL ATTRIBUTES

FACE CLAIM: scarlett leithold NATIONALITY: american HEIGHT: 5′7 WEIGHT: 139lbs BUILD: slender, and a bit insecure about that HAIR: long with a subtle wave , nearly down to her waist for now HAIR COLOR: golden blonde with a few summery platinum highlights EYE COLOR: baby bluuuue DOMINANT HAND: left ANOMALIES: during warmer months, and nearly year round since moving to california, there are little freckles dusted across her nose SCENT: seasalt, cocounut, sunscreen . . . . and occasionally mon paris by ysl ACCENT: she fought against that new york accent tooth and nail so none ALLERGIES: cats but also bullshit DISORDERS: dbd — dumb bitch disorder FASHION: an odd mix of vintage. corduroy dresses, plaid skirts, ribbed turtlenecks, velvet headbands, doc marten boots. a lil 60s, a lil 70s, a lil 90s. despite having quite a bit of money, she’s always wearing at least one thing that looks hand-me-down and that’s because her mother never threw anything away, so it likely is. NERVOUS TICS: rocks back and forth from her toes to her heels, death grip on a camera strap, tucking her hair behind her ears QUIRKS: collects enamel pins, always has a camera on her, closes her eyes when trying to focus on listening

LIFESTYLE

RESIDES: east side, victoria BORN: new york city RAISED: new york city VEHICLE: black 1969 chevy camaro, rarely ever drives it though as she bikes/skates most places PHONE: iphone 11 pro :\ COMPUTER: mac desktop collecting DUST PETS: too busy sneezing bc of odette’s cat

HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION: graduated COLLEGE EDUCATION: senior MAJOR: museum studies, photography MINOR: film studies CAREER: freelance photographer, current waste of space living off of that family $$$ EXPERIENCE: apprenticeships in fashion photography, internships in museum curation TRAINED IN: photography and classical ballet (reluctantly) OTHER: literally just .... she’s had a camera of some sort in her hand since she was like 12

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: liberal RELIGION: worships the ground stevie nicks, cher, and debbie harry walk on but that’s about it BELIEFS: you have to be really careful when buying sweaters from thrift stores because 80% of them are absolutely haunted MISDEMEANORS: none FELONIES: none TICKETS AND/OR VIOLATIONS: NONE DRUGS: once or twice but she’s strung out enough on her own SMOKES: weed, on occasion. cigarettes are gross. ALCOHOL: leisurely, mostly socially. Queen of Beer Pong™ DIET: fairly healthy, not at all picky, a little bougie.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: labels are stupid SEXUAL ORIENTATION: and sexuality is fluid MARTIAL STATUS: never going to happen CHILDREN: *nervous laughter* AVAILABILITY: not at all LOOKING FOR: she’s actually legally blind so

LANGUAGES: english, french

PHOBIAS: fuck spiders SPECIFICALLY. might cry but also doesn’t want you to kill it just... take it out and awaaaay HOBBIES: photography, film — the act of and the watching of, hiking, live shows, bothering odette. literally has/had 3294328049 of them but is really only good at photography/film TRAITS: + adaptable, loyal, charismatic, clever, playful, adventurous ; - flighty, forgetful, cynical, unforgiving, disorganized, impatient SOCIAL MEDIA: the works - snapchat, twitter, instagram

FAVOURITE

LOCATION: photo pit at small venue concerts, anywhere within 10 feet of the pacific SPORTS TEAM: whomst GAME: playin w people’s HEARTS ...... jk ....... kinda MUSIC: haim, fleetwood mac, the aces... any band with a female lead singer SHOWS: ghost adventures, big little lies MOVIES: frances ha, almost famous, bob dylan: don’t look back RADIO STATION: anything that strictly plays oldies FOOD: loves baked goods BEVERAGE: cold brew coffee, cinnamon spice tea COLOR: a nice dusty rose :\

CHARACTER

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good MBTI: isfp — the adventurer ENNEAGRAM: type 7, the enthusiast ZODIAC: taurus HOGWARTS HOUSE: hufflepuff TAROT CARD: the empress TV TROPES: max mayfield, serena van der woodsen, ainsley howard, donna sheridan and honestly? eloise SONG: summer girl - haim

IDEOLOGIES: shove it down shove all the emotions DOWN do not feel. you can tell a lot about a person based on the music they listen to when they’re sad. three is the luckiest number.

THE RUNDOWN

amelia nicolette never intended to be a mother. she was freshly 21, inches from a moment that could launch her career in the fashion industry, and she hadn’t been in love or even interested in the idea since she was seventeen. so when a one night stand with a wealthy older man, left her with morning sickness and an odd appetite for two, she was less than thrilled.

he was even less thrilled, insisting that she terminate the pregnancy. i’ll drive you, he’d said in a hushed tone. only then did she see the tan line wrapped around his ring finger. a married man. a one night stand. and a complete bastard . amelia decided, then and there, to carry to term and then put the baby up for adoption.

until may 1st at 3AM on the dot when the most obnoxious scream split through the air. a baby, just slightly too small, kicking and screaming relentlessly was born in manhattan. a baby who wouldn’t shut up until she was placed in the arms of her mother, where she fell quiet and calm and she slept.

amelia nicolette never intended to fall in love, but holding her tiny baby girl, she knew then and there that she was a goner. caroline, as a song that sounded like joy played from a radio at the nurse’s station. estelle, for the stars. nicolette, the only family name she’d ever need.

for three years, it was just the two of them in a new york penthouse, and amelia learned quickly that she was good at being a mother. but that didn’t change her free-spirited nature or the way her heart had a tendency to yearn for more. she had the resources, and caroline was old enough — . . . and she’d been sketching for years, sitting on top of a portfolio that piled a mile high.

along comes nanny, maggie, and thus began the life she’d lead for the rest of her childhood. mom spent a lot of time at work, building a fashion brand that went international by the time caroline was 6. because of this, she was gone more often than not, leaving caroline to grow up under the watchful eye of a nanny.

but she called every night. made it home for every big holiday, every recital, every birthday. in the summers, caroline would spend her time split between visiting her mother, visiting odette, and visiting a beach house in victoria. there was a certain lack of permanence that caused her to be adaptable, allowed her to be comfortable with change and give into the whims of a free spirit like her mother’s.

but people filtered in and out, came and went, and on the flip side of the same coin, there was a sense of detachment , a fear of getting too close to people who would move out or move on.

despite this, caroline never found herself to be lonely. she was a friendly little thing with bright eyes and a sparkling curiosity, picking up hobbies instead of toys, but never quite being exceptional at any of them. she made friends with doormen and caused problems for the people behind the desk. she became good, early on, at keeping herself busy, making her own fun – . . . all things that have very much carried into adulthood.

she was lucky, and she’s fully aware of it which is why, from a young age, she always did her best to find ways to give that luck to people who seemed to need it.

things had a tendency to be tumultuous, what with her mother coming and going and her very best friend being in and out of the hospital, but she tried to go with the flow as best as she could. things were good but never truly exceptional.

until she met jude. he’d been in the same children’s wing as odette, and they’d known each other for a little bit before caroline met him. the three of them were inseparable, at first, simply best friends. but as they got older, feelings shifted and two friends became more than that.

our girl was in love for the very first time. and it was sweet and gentle and everything a first love is supposed to be. over time, that love grew, just as they did, and it was visible to anyone with eyes that they were in love. for two years, it was good, he was good.

and then he wasn’t. despite two years of remission and a healthy life, he fell ill again. there was nothing to do but stand by and watch as six months passed by, far too quickly, and he slipped away into nothing. ultimately passing away just a week before his 20th birthday.

caroline didn’t allow herself to feel it, for a while, lingering in the denial stage of grief for far too long. new york felt empty without him, without odette, without her mother, and it didn’t take much for her to pack her things and join her mother overseas, taking a gap year from school and focusing on herself, on her photography.

she spent a lot of time with a press pass around her neck. fashion shows and fashion shoots. major events and sports games. concerts and festivals. but there was one thing she loved more than anything else, and that was capturing the off-guard joy of life in candids of strangers on the street or in the crowds of bars and concerts. she found her own style, her own way of storytelling through a lens, and slowly but surely she began to heal.

still, there was no way around the way her heart felt a little heavier, a little darker, and how smiles from strangers at the other end of the bar made her stomach churn. she developed an aversion to new relationships of any sort, anything deeper than surface level becoming a bit too close for comfort.

and while life traveling was fun, she missed having a sense of home, so she went to where the only other person who felt like home was, finding herself moving into a house with odette in victoria.

she’s been around for a couple of months, coming out of a gap year and looking to finish her degree in the spring. victoria, for now, is home.

these days she’s a little bit more cynical. a little bit less likely to let people too close. a little bit lost but also who isn’t when they’re 21

#oof #— &&. CAROLINE ; bio .

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karmacanbea · 3 years

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She is supposed to be having a kid with the guy she says she is settling with.

I get it. Apparently with BPD your highs are high and your lows are low. She has a horrid time being heild accountable for her actions. I figure she was the one that got my old smut blog dedicated to her banned because she didn't want others to think/know she had a relationship with me. Why? She wanted a relationship with them. Part of me wants to see if I can contact the guy just to see if I can get some closure but I have a strong doubt against it. He apparently constantly cheating on a long time girlfriend so he may think I would try to send her the info.

That brings up the next thing. She settled...?

That's putting it lightly. She very purposly chose to stay with a guy that sticks his head in the sand. They both do. I've not talked to her really in like 7 or 8 months and I think it's because she and I can't just be friends after everything that has happened. Especially because I will tell her when she is doing something wrong. Then she would ignore it until she can't anymore and run to Tumblr to act like the victim.

I put too much faith in a toxic person. A person that won't even get her BPD in check. That has dropped out of her higher education multiple times bc she can't have her way.

I feel so bad for that kid. If she vilifies him like she did her husband and I... wow..

I ran into my Google photos and found more shit on her. Saved screenshots of conversations to be deleted as well as our chat on discord and Skype are apparently around. Looking through them like an idiot was very much like opening an old wound. Yet at the same time looking at them once before deleting them I could see how she would use me just long enough to find something local to screw around with. Then go running back to her husband in hopes she wouldn't get caught, then returning to me for the emotional support. Such a balancing act that must of been easy to do with a husband that ignored her and a boyfriend overseas that idolized her.

The same friends she has that say she should be allowed to cut herself also say she should stay married to a self proclaimed communist that is such a consumerist of so much shit. How many versions of Skyrim, motorcycles for guitars does he own? And in the 4 years that I had known her she went from having two cats to I think about 9..

The hypocrisy is deep here. Maybe that makes it easier to bury her head and ignore the truth when you are already up to your eyes in your own bullshit.

So I purged all that information. Blocked her from any forms of social media, including her backup sites that she doesn't know that I know about.

If her husband knew how many times she had sent me videos where she played with herself in bed as he slept or the Skype sessions she and I had while she would be just a meter or so away from him, flashing me (or maybe he did but was trying to ignore it) then what would he say? I think he may of put 2 and 2 together. Other than peeking to see if she had her kid or not I've not checked in on her although there had been subtle hints she had with me. Not so vaugely defensive remarks made on her own social media. The occasional "the me you created in your head is not my responsibility" although it's not the version I had created. It's how she was. I had well over over 15 gigs of pictures and videos. It to mention call logs that lasted hours every day for literally 2 years to prove it. For everyone's sake I deleted it all. I have done better. I have researched what it's like to break off from someone with BPD and apparently it's really hard. They leave such a mark on you bc they become exactly what you want. They do whatever they can to be what you want.

It's why when she was a prostitute, some of those guys apparently contacted her a year later. The one from Lelystad still is out and about prowling for women half his age and, when she and I last spoke, hadn't kicked her to the curb on social media even though she had to him.

Maybe I was the last one? I know I was the first that she got that in deep with. Maybe the only one. It was more than just about her body to me. Because of her, I realized I could love again. Flaws, strengths and passions with anything in between.

I hate that I spent so much time with her. If I was nothing more than validation for a late 20something that was starving herself skinny to sexualize herself... Only to hate having people sexualize her..

Again, BPD 🤷🏻‍♂️

I don't have much of her left other than memories and those are fading as I make new ones. I guess the difference between she and I is that I learned a hard lesson from her while she just trudges along living in the moment, not thinking about repercussions of her actions and trying to victimize herself instead of living up to what she has done.

Bitch seriously wrecked the lives of at least 2 marriages, 2 other relationships and who knows how many hearts she broke along the way. She used to brag about the guys "I let her sleep with" ( I lied to myself, she was going to anyway) like they were nothing more than notches on a bedpost especially the married ones.

So...

It's may 25th 2021. Her son should be born around this time. I want to pray to someone that she doesn't do to that kid what she has done to her husband and I: validate/vilify.

I just don't know who to pray to.

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jacquclyn-blog · 7 years

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hi my guys ! name’s honey, i’m 19 and i’m actively doing everything in my power to keep from going back to campus to get my books because that means classes are about to start and...yep, no thanx. anyways, i’ve been eyeing this bad boy and when i saw lizzie the loml got reopened i’d figure hell yeah, let’s do this thing, so here i am and honestly just accept that you’re never getting rid of me. beneath the cut is more on jackie, ofc, so feel free to hmu or just like this and i’ll come to you !! #buyrainbowonitunes

——— woah! wait, was that ELIZABETH OLSEN i just saw walking down mainstreet? no, of course not. that was just JACQUELYN VANCE. they’re TWENTY-SEVEN years old and identify as CISFEMALE. they have been in Alder Heights for TEN YEARS and work as a MAGAZINE EDITOR. i’ve heard they can be OBSTINATE and PEDANTIC on their bad days. but don’t be put off, because JACKIE can also be FERVENT and DISCERNING. no wonder people around here call them the AMARANTH.

born in los angeles, california, jackie grew up very comfortably; both parents are lawyers and during the clinton administration, jackie’s father served as the us ambassador of france. she was nine when they first moved, and was seventeen when her father’s run overseas was finished, and being back home was an interesting transition for her, since she felt like the odd man out considering she’d fallen in love with the french way of life, i guess? she didn’t really want to leave when the time came, but it wasn’t entirely up to her (her least favorite president is w. bush, 3 guesses why lmao)

instead of going back to la, they moved to alder heights, since her father wanted to continue pursuing a career in government/politics, and it was much closer to dc than la was. her two younger sisters adjusted to life back home a lot easier than jackie did; she wound up completing the last little bit of high school online, since she’d had an accelerated course schedule overseas (she loved school) and would’ve rather been eaten by wolves than go back to public school tbh. she started classes at georgetown uni (rich parents lmao) at seventeen and for awhile, her major was in political science since she had every intention to follow in her father’s footsteps, he was her hero after all

and then somewhere along the line, she realized she didn’t really like political science, she liked having an opinion on and discussing politics, so she moved over into mass communications and her parents weren’t thrilled at all, they totally thought they were going to have a vance legacy and be able to start some family dream team thing and being the oldest, they expected her to be the one to fulfill this, and it definitely started a few fights but they eventually shut up about it just because arguing with her is arguing w a brick wall tbh — they are still slowly coming around, they’re not crazy about it but they still support her, things are Tense, fun times

so she graduated, went on and got her masters, blah blah, fast forward to where jackie finds the job of her dreams at an unnamed, v popular magazine (it’s unnamed bc i want it to be lmao, givE ME TIME but if you need a comparison, think cosmo) and she chased after it hard, like all she wanted to do was be a writer and after spending roughly two years as an assistant, she got promoted to a writer and she loved it, absolutely loved it. got to write about the things she was passionate about, loved the people she worked with, she was living the Dream

and after a few years of just really, really enjoying her job her higher-ups were like “hey, we’re gonna promote you if you want” and in jackie’s mind she was like, hell yeah, more responsibility, more control, all the things she loves tbh and she took the job as the lifestyle department editor since it was broad and encompassed a lot of the stuff she’d enjoyed writing for and of course, Loved it...to a point

jackie is married to her job, and it’s highkey unhealthy tbh, she’s very very hard on herself and now that she’s moved up in the hierarchy of things she’s beginning to see what they ask of their employees and it’s not always stuff she agrees with? it’s a lot of pressure and she’s beginning to fall out of love with all of it in general, the writing, being responsible for stuff, etc and part of her is like fuck this, i’m over it but at the same time, she’s forcing herself to stick w it because she wants to prove to her parents she can too see their successes in the career path she chose

basically, she’s currently conflicted as hell when it comes to work and is currently a don’t ask, don’t tell type of situation

has begun doing freelance writing on the side?? she doesn’t post or share any of it since most of it is just her rambling and she’s not got that much time to dedicate to it as it is but it’s kinda keeping her sane in the moment and reminding her as to why she loves what she does

her label is the amaranth, one of my faves, which p much means that they’re hard to forget and leave an impression and that’s certainly jackie lmao, she’s got a very strong personality that makes it hard for you to confuse her w anyone else

y’all see the traits up there in that app....that’s Her. she’s the kinda person you want in your corner, not the person you want opposing you bc she will end you and show no mercy

is a sagittarius

can sometimes let her emotions get the better of her??? she’s stubborn and gets conflicted very easily and that basically just leads to disaster, she’s great at making problems in her life that aren’t a big deal a Big Deal and what she wants, she’ll get it even if she’s got to step on toes or scream really, really loudly for someone to hear her; her parents taught her to never settle and settle she does not

also bilingual, speaks fluent english and french. usually only slips into french when she’s pissed so...beware

connections i’d love to see for jackie (but aren’t limited to, i just know it’ll be a hot second before i get a page up and running!):

best friend — self explanatory, obviously, but just give me someone who jackie can sit on the couch and drink wine with in her pajamas, someone who’s got her back if they go out to a bar, her go-to if she’s ever got a company thing and she needs a date last minute, someone who’s gonna butt heads with her when there’s a conflict in either of their lives but they still love one another no matter what *cue true friend by hannah montana in the distance*

sibling like relationship — another self explanatory one but jackie’s got a mad mom side to her, she’s v protective of the people she loves so give me someone that might as well be a long lost vance, they do dumb shit together, have each other’s backs, try (and fail) at matchmaking for the other, having a toothbrush with their name on it at their apartment, the works

summer flings!!!!! someone jackie met while she was on vacation or even off on a business thing and they like hooked up and she never in a million years would’ve expected to bump into them back in alder heights......except, she did

tbh just give me a friends-esque group of people for jackie where they all hang out and eat and act like their lives aren’t constantly falling apart, that’d be N*ce too

exesssss!!! the good, the bad, the inescapable, the ones with lingering feelings, the ones that swear they’re over but have a problem every time the other even looks like they’re about to go on a date w someone else, this is free range

college friend — basically someone that she met back when she was in college and was the first bit of american companionship that she’d had since she was like, nine?? like i said, she started classes at seventeen, and hadn’t really interacted with anyone since she did online schooling for her senior year; this could’ve been a roommate, someone she had a class with, someone that she met on campus and got coffee with, we can talk this one out obviously but you get the gist!

angst — idk what, idk how, i just live for it and i want it thanks

someone who lives near jackie and whether it’s really weird stuff like coming over to ask for some milk to put in their coffee since they’re out and forgot to buy some or they like hang out and have dinner together a few nights a week, switching off and stuff, i think this could be Fun

family friend — jackie’s parents are both lawyers and her dad’s been involved in politics for awhile so i can imagine jackie’s gone to her fair share of parties and whatnot, meeting clients and coworkers and all kinds of people so this would ideally be someone she met because their parents were acquaintances/friends; they could’ve met as kids, stayed in touch while jackie was overseas and resumed their friendship years later when the both of them found themselves back in dc, they could’ve met on the more recent end of things, they could totally understand the other’s pain and get along gr8 because someone finally gets it, they could lowkey hate each other bc their parents are rivals/ they’re trying to work through it...the possibilities are endless

and while i’m on the topic of past connections: jackie occasionally had to come back to the us and visit dc while her dad was serving as ambassador (aged 9-17) so if you’re interested, we can totally work something with that

a plot where they’re acquaintances at best, they’ve maybe got mutual friends and therefore they hang out a bit but they’re always arguing w one another for whatever fucking reason, they both probably annoy each other but they’ve got mad sexual tension going on?? maybe they act on it, maybe they don’t, but either way, they lowkey enjoy the bantering and being at one another’s throats even if they act otherwise

#「 •• 𝓗𝓔𝓡𝓞𝓘𝓝(𝓔) ; mun.#alderintro #this will not show up in the tags but Hoe well *throws confetti*

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nozomijoestar · 3 years

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For the character ask thing, bestie:

Joseph Joestar, Guts Berserk, Entrapta, and Nozomi Tojo (bc her special day yesterday 😩)

Yehas...

Joseph the Himbo:

Ups and downs with this man over his appearance changes in each part cuz Araki loves throwing curveballs be it coerced by the editors or just himself (cheated on Suzie Q like Rly...Rly? 🤨) and forgetting but like, Part 2 is still special to me bc it's The Joseph Show as I've heard sb who doesn't like Pt 2 say, and it's SO entertaining to see him at his peak bullshittery while still seeing his moments of nobility and being humble because under everything he's still got a compassionate streak even if his temper can get the best of him- Lisa Lisa, Speedwagon, Wham, Erina, and Caesar make him great as a protagonist too for what they each push out of him as he matures and without them I think he'd be entertaining but shallow after a while

Also I love Battle Tendency and it is decades old at this point and Araki as a person seems to have changed but the inclusion of Nazis as allies is another mark of how venerated they are not only in Japan's Far Right but it's pop culture and nerds too since in being part of the Axis Japan decided to scrub a lot of their evils and Germany's from school history books Post War creating entire ignorant generations, I'm sure it's a mix of people who genuinely were never taught the truth and are very ignorant and those who do know but justify uplifting it somehow if only for like aesthetics at expense of being a fucking decent human being

I get so excited remembering Part 2's action and fun that I almost live in a world where the Nazi Allies don't exist and then I Remember 😔

Guts:

KING KING KING KINGHDHDJ

This man has it ALL, this man's example wrote the standard for almost EVERY piece of dark fantasy Japanese media after 1989 and even beyond Berserk's genre and overseas. People can go their entire lives not knowing who he is but his character influenced the creation of their own favorite series, imagine being that powerful. Imagine Guts not existing and Final Fantasy wouldn't be what it is from 7-10 or parts of 14 (Cloud & Auron being the most obvious homages, 14 would never have had a Dark Knight class), Bleach wouldn't be what it is, Claymore would be less of an answer series without a Berserk to have posed its questions, Vagabond and Vinland Saga probably wouldn't exist etc. like?? I miss Kentaro Miura so much.

This man is about as close to perfectly human as I have ever seen in a character of any media, he's been at and encompasses an entire spectrum of humanity good and bad and between, he was one of the first protagonists who made me question the expected Western goodness of the protagonist role. Even if you don't like him there's no denying his impact. He breaks all expected genre conventions of a hero to the point of making his own, he simply Is without guiding by any archetypes.

His story is suffering yet persevering, being extremely traumatized yet healing, surviving for purposes that evolve as much as he does with what happens to him. A guy who's both active and reactionary flies in the face of Western storytelling and says it can go fuck itself. I saw so much of myself reflected in him small and large and while I'm critical of his actions (a laundry list in its own right) I still wouldn't be where or who I am today without him. He's everything, let your characters be human, strictly following archetypes and conventions is meaningless. The best story is forgetting all the shit you're taught and looking at life as you live it, the people as you encounter them, your thoughts as you reflect on them. He reinforced that in me and I'm so grateful.

Entrapta:

What can I say Two Trucks slaps 😩

Entrapta was such a breath of fresh air in Spop I genuinely can't imagine an Spop without her and not just bc she invented shit to advance the plot. Her humor, her intelligence, her committed responsibility to her actions, her simplicity that works for and against her, she had so much going on with so little. And whenever tensions got too crazy where she could be involved she was there with the facts and straightforward honesty to get people on track.

Without Entrapta the set ups and catapulting events of Spop wouldn't have happened or would be almost unrecognizable. It was great having a character who could stay the most grounded of everyone which made it sadder whenever she lost belief in herself.

Catra betraying her to me was the real straw to show how far she'd been pushed into her own anger, like it's Entrapta, the least egotistical person with virtually no complex agenda who had never intentionally disrespected her, the person she knew would be easy to trick for her straightforward nature and lash out at for the same. I love Catra but damn, that was fuckin dirty.

Nozomi...Nozomi 😳☺️

The canvas I paint on, my anchor in uncertainty, a fabric of my identity, she's part of my everything. No character has held dominance over my life and directly shaped events I've been apart of by association as she has. When I talk about comfort characters or joke about reverse kinning she's who I'm talking about, I made her me as much as I notice and interpreted in my own depth what she has in her series.

Love Live is honestly generic with some awful messages and largely made as wank material for godawful otaku incels even at its best But in saying so it gave me so much freedom to color in the lines of Nozomi to my heart's content.

I can't put words to how important she became to me, how I first encountered her from someone evil and made her my hope, how I met and parted from dozens of people because they took interest in her then me and how I see her, there's no words for defining how differently five years of my life would have gone without her. I would be a stranger to myself if she weren't there.

Nozomi's emptiness outside a handful of traits made her a framework to find myself in even if I didn't realize it at the time. The characters I've created since her come in part from ideas I started with Nozomi, so that she's literally in everything I create one way or another, she's in my moods and my thoughts and my confidence. I've even found entire new genres of music, series, and writing styles out of devotion to defining her in my imagination. She's informed a piece of how I interpret my gender presentation and how that makes me see other women's own presentations.

A long way of saying I owe my life to one big titty fake New Age weirdo cunning lonely and emotional bastard jfhdheodjfj

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404fmdtaejin · 4 years

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headcanon ; family ties

summary: family relationship. an only child of two wealthy conglomerates - and he still remains close to his family. wc: 621

he’s never had a tensed relationship with his parents because they were always willing to coddle their one and only son.

his family has always been rich - probably because every venture his family takes part in is all part of a big family business.

there’s a notion that some day taejin would be responsible to take over as his parents wished for the business to continue on in a family way. however, with politics now gunning for the top 1% and his own inability to calculate numbers, his father knows that’s a lost cause.

after one too many brush ins with angry parents of students, his parents told him perhaps he’d be better off entering the entertaining business because politics and business matters would not work for him - his temperamental personality could never handle it.

he said okay, and that’s when he joined bc - his mother had a friend that was a higher executive, which basically allowed taejin to buy his way despite not ever having a lesson in singing or dancing. it’s rumored that the money even landed him the leader spot along with bc’s desires to instill more responsibility in such a haphazard boy.

his parents became proud when they realized their son was actually becoming popular in the group, and even more smug when taejin began acting. with each acting endeavor, his parents only agree that they’ve made the right decision and it gives them a good look overall as a family

father: kim hyun suk

his father is the ceo of a big franchise (s*msung). it’s been a family business, and because he is the eldest of five children he got to take over the biggest share.

his father graduated from oxford business school going abroad at a young age - really educated and elite, ok?

his father doesn’t show many emotions but rather is stern and monotone most of the time.

as a younger child, he barely saw his father because his father was so involved with work. there were many overseas trips and meetings.

his father doesn’t have many hobbies besides making money, but he does still emphasize the importance of family.

as a result, he often asks taejin to go to one of the restaurants in hannam once every few months for a glass of whiskey to talk it out/give life advice.

despite his curt words, the person taejin respects more than anyone is his own father.

mother: lee seohyun - she has the hotel ceo franchise (s*illa)

his mother went to cambridge, another person polished by family ties and strongly guided by the money she was born into.

unlike his father, she is a warmer figure and gave him a lot of love (well, to the best of her ability).

because she also ran a big empire, and refused to become a stay at home mother, she only took a break till taejin was two. then, came the string of nannies.

still, she gave taejin all the love in the world and often would cook him meals when she had the free time. however, she also had a lot of overseas travel + work things which left him alone most of the time.

his mother and him talk once a week on a phone, and he’s a momma’s boy till he dies. she watches every drama he’s in, and even listens to some of decipher’s music citing.

one time, she told her executive board to buy decipher’s album and watch his dramas just so she could brag about her son some more

she loves him dearly, despite not having the time to show it that often.

his parents buy stocks in taejin’s name - in case the whole industry thing doesn’t work out. they buy him property, and they even funded part of the apartment he lives in (even though they don’t live that far from each other).

basically, taejin still is really tight with his fam.

#headcanon

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