#and i couldnt be happier that she was the one to do it cant think of anyone better

[stevie-petey]

LOVING where you’re going with Bug and Steve’s story so far. Looking forward to the next chapter🥰

I have a blurb idea!! What about Bug’s reaction to Dustin being sad at the Snow Ball when all the girls said no to him🥲and her reaction to Nancy dancing with him.

Ps. Sorry I meant to send this as an ask the first time my b😅

thank youuuu <3 n i so wanted to add this scene in but the chapter was already 20k words and i simply couldnt but YES i will happily elaborate on this

enjoy <3

"should i go and dance with him?" you ask nancy, nervously fidgeting with your fingers as you watch dustin, all alone with his head ducked in shame as he stands in the corner and watches his peers. since arriving, hes been rejected again and again by the girls at the dance.

nancy bites her lip, unsure herself what to do. "youre his sister, i think it might make it worse if you dance with him." she confesses with a sigh.

you both watch as dustin walks towards the bleachers in defeat, and it takes everything within you not to run after him. his shoulders are shaking, you know hes holding back tears. he had been so excited for tonight, and now he sits all alone, once again beaten down by peers who have no idea what hes done for them. dustin henderson is a hero, hes saved hawkins, and yet hes treated like a freak.

he deserves the entire world.

"thats it," you cant take it anymore. youre dustins sister, hes your baby brother, how can you be expected to stand as watch as he gets his heart broken? "im gonna go dance with him-"

"no!" nancy grabs your hand to stop you.

you pull at your wrist, annoyed and hurt that she expects you to do nothing as dustin cries. "hes my brother, screw whatever those stupid kids say-"

"i'll dance with him."

you gape at nancy, unsure if you heard her correctly. "you... what?"

"here," she hands you the punch ladle and then wipes her hands, a smile on her face as if this is a regular occurance for her. she fixes her hair, straightens out her dress, and then takes a deep breath. "i remember his crush he used to have on me. figure its time to apologize for how mean i was."

and then nancy leaves. you stare at her, still in complete shock, as she approaches your brother. they exchange words, and you cant help but laugh at how shocked dustin looks as well. nancy takes his hands and marches him confidently through the crowd of preteens and places dustins hands around her waist and they begin to dance.

a few girls sneer at nancy and dustin, which you secretly preen at. serves them right for being little monsters towards your brother. you understand that being twelve is a horrid age, but dustin doesnt deserve their bitterness.

nancy says something that makes dustin bashful and he giggles. his tears have long since dried, and you watch them with fondness. a year ago you envied nancy wheeler and resented her beauty and grace. now, shes dancing with dustin and sending you a wink as he spins her around. time is weird, but youre immensely happy that you somehow ended up here.

you look around the gym. will is with a girl with a nervous smile on his face as they dance together. nancy and dustin are giggling to themselves. max and lucas are shy as they slow dance, and without meaning to, you watch as they have their first kiss. its a short, simple peck, and lucas blushes like crazy, and your heart soars.

somehow, within the five years youve known them, the kids grew up right before your eyes.

then you see mike, and you do a double take when you see that hes with el. shes in a beautiful dress, her hair is done, and she even seems to have some makeup on. you look behind you and see hopper standing outside in the parking lot, smoking a cigarette with joyce, and the two of them share their own laugh. its been a while since you last saw joyce smile, same with the chief, and something warm fills within you. love is weird, and you couldnt be happier that the ones closest to you get to experience it.

as your eyes roam the room, they somehow find jonathans. they always find jonathan.

he points to nancy and dustin and shakes his head, laughing. he knows that your brother will hold this over his head for the next week, but hes happy the kid is having a good night. you giggle, knowing what hes thinking, and shrug your shoulders. itll be a problem for jonathan tomorrow, but tonight you both watch as the girl and young boy dance the night away. both your hearts are warm, each of you feel a deep love for the girl in this moment, and you both marvel at how lovely nancy wheeler is.

as you watch, something tugs at your chest and begs you to turn around. you do, and see steves car slowly driving away from the middle school.

your lips tingle, still feeling his cheek against them. your skin will never forget the feel of his. your promise still lingers on your tongue.

take all the time you need.

time is weird.

so is love.

and youre all the luckier for it.

[emoreooo]

doomed valentines 🥀

aka what if kel and aubrey took over sweetheart’s castle ?

this is an au where if you interact with the keeper of sweethearts castle as anyone but omori, it unlocks a whole new optional level. you wake up in the picnic area with hero but no kel or aubrey. sweethearts castle is different and basil joins you for this level

the castle's main towers seem to have split into two, but the main building remains one, and smaller from the outside. but it turns out to be unnaturally spacious at times, as if the building was a psychological maze trying to separate... certain people apart

you find aubrey. she looks different, but happier. “it's like a princess' dream come true. it’s everything i could ever want and more.” she says, smiling at you. “now... all i need left is my lovely prince charming—”

“hey, guys !!”

enter kel.

“ugh.”

kel also looks different, if not for the fact hes wearing an obnoxious shade of pink, head to toe. he is happy to see you all. “everyone here LOVES me ! they respect me and trust me and all that kinda stuff. man, i feel so powerful ! im never leaving this place !”

that didnt seem to sit right, so hero intervened. “but.. if you stayed here, wouldn’t you miss everyone else ? omori, basil, me... mari ?”

“well, duh ! that’s why you guys will be staying with me too !”

that broke a new fight between kel and aubrey, but for the wrong reasons

it ends with aubrey dragging basil along with her, hero with kel, and you alone on the bridge connecting the two towers. you have a choice to follow one of them first. lets say, kel.

you head for kels tower and find hero talking with kel, trying to convince his brother.

“didja know ?? the sprout moles here love me so much they made me offerings, like, im a god or something ! pretty cool huh ?”

“..offerings ?”

“yeah ! oh man.. hero, youre not jealous, right ?”

“wh— no. its just.. a bit ridiculous.”

“...ridiculous ?” kels confused expression contorts into a smile, that of understanding. “i see whats going on. its okay, hero, i know its gotta be tough to be put to the side. and overlooked. bet its weird not being in the spotlight for once.”

you caught a quick flash of horror written on heros face. “kel.. are you saying this because—”

“but its ok ! as long as were here, neither of us will ever have to feel that way !”

remaining determined, hero put his foot down. “thats enough, kel. you cant stay here.”

“yea, thats a good one, bro.”

“im... serious. were leaving, kel.”

the younger boy stops laughing. ”...oh. youre— why ?”

“i dont think this place is anything like it seems. i think its a sham.”

kel barks with laughter.

“oh so when it benefits ME is it a sham. man, how selfish can you be ?”

“...what ?”

“you really cant stand it when its not all about you, huh ? but what about me ? what about kel ?”

“i-i think this place is affecting you. please, kel, listen to me.”

“no. if you wanna leave so bad, fine ! the sprout moles can send you out. but im not leaving. im happy here anyway, and you wont get it.”

with that, kel leaves you two in his tower. hero seems distracted, before suggesting you both go find basil

you head for aubreys tower, only to find a scared basil locked in a cell. upon freeing him, he stares over your shoulder.

“o-omori.” he whispers. “...behind you.”

“well, well.. well !”

enter aubrey.

“aubrey! why was basil locked in?” hero asks, perplexed.

“hm? well, he kept trying to leave! i couldnt let that happen, not when i was sharing my happiness with him.” aubrey frowns. “i thought he was my friend.”

basil looks terrified. “aubrey.. i am your friend.”

“hmhm, of course you are. friends dont leave each other behind, right omori?”

hero once again steps in. “aubrey, i think youre taking this too far. of course we want you to be happy, but kidnapping your friends isnt the way. this place is messing with your heads, so we should leave before it gets worse.”

but your path is blocked by kel in the doorway.

“that wont do.” aubrey hums behind you, brandishing her shiny pink bat. “no.. not at all. what do you think, kel ?”

“i think its rude to leave in the middle of a party. right, hero? you taught me that one!”

“kel..”

he then takes a bow as aubrey joins him. “so, friends, may we have this dance?”

“let us sweep the floor !”

boss battle mechanics !

you can not change aubrey or kels emotions even at the start of the battle. the only ones who can change their emotions are each other, so the best strategy is to adapt with your own party’s emotion play

there are 4 phases to this battle. a neutral state, tier one emotion, tier two, and lastly tier three, much like most emotion based bosses. between each phases, aubrey will make kel happier, while kel makes aubrey angrier. they are not made to have the sad emotion, however,

if you end third phase with an attack from hero, kel will start fourth phase with a depressed emotion instead of manic, giving your team good advantage on winning since he relies on speed. aubrey will still be furious, but its still one enemy disadvantaged

once you defeat them they will go snork mimi in your arms and you must carry them out of the castle and back to mari.

“aww, i guess its past their royal nap time !”

[dullahandyke]

Ok ok ok dgs case 3 time wooo!!

Btw loving the sherlock Holmes openings to all the chapters. Cool

Also love ryuu and susatos little travelling outfits... he has a hat :)

Also also I'm not really one for period dramas so maybe this is a common thing but I like how colourful it makes London look instead of the whole 'Ye Olde World Had No Colours Ever' like I went to London once and it didnt look as nice as this

The gavel slamming sfx whenver it says the date and place is so awful tho... grating on me ears

Office is cool as fuck tho. Gears moving yayyy totally not ominous bgm yayyyyy I feel like the gears r probs just an imposing set piece but itd b really cool if they were used in some way. Probably couldnt quite pull off a great mouse detective but like they're fairly tall I imagine there are Things up there that you cant quite reach that could be evidence in some case or another

He appears... I like his clock gimmick a lot but mael stronghart is a bit of a pisser of a name. I'm gonna keep calling him hart vortex because vortex is cool

'We're never happier than when we're standing around doing nothing' SO TRUE RYUU KING!!!!!

Birds in the bg... so that's what's on the gears theres a bunch of birds nests. :)

We have asougis arm band now.... :( waaaaa

I love susatos little encyclopedia so muchhhh I've said it before but we need to get her wikipedia. I know that considering game 2 things its popular hc that she becomes a lawyer later in life but I think she would really really enjoy herself as an encyclopedist or a librarian

'Theres something soothing about the clocks precise rhythm' ok well that's not a particularly autistic sentiment but I'm saying it is. Ryuu autist for life!!!

'We spearhead every revolutionary new technology in the world here in London' sure jan

'The sun will never set on our great empire' DECOLONISATION BEAM ATTACK!!!!!!!! If I see the end of the British empire in my life I will be a very happy man indeed

Vortex asking if ryuu is willing to commit to everything asougi planned... ominous

'If you get this man found innocent I'll let you be a lawyer' unsuspicious! Let's go for it <3

'If theres no defense then the defendant will get the max punishment automatically' surely that's not how that works

Omg I can ask susato what to do... yessss shes an assistant proper!!!!

Oh I was expecting the old bailey to be a bit more grand. Looks a bit piss

NOT THE TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA 😭😭😭😭😭 and the written Irish accent...

Tho given what I know of megundal the fact that he Does have such a noticeable accent is a bit of character... like hes so much dressed to the nines and the man with the money that youd think he would have ditched the Irish accent. When does dgs happen again? After the famine, before the rising? Youd imagine hed give up either the accent or the posh aesthetic given how badly they clash - outfit prevents him from fitting in with 'fellow people down on their luck', accent prevents him from appearing entirely affluent

[fanficwritinggirl]

The return (Mcdanno)

Chapter 3 - Meeting (ka halawai)

Grace didnt know what to think when she walked into the NICU, this was not where she thought she was going to end up today. She was meeting Steve's kid, Steve had a kid, a daughter at that and she couldnt be happier for him.

Walking into the NICU, she was met with the faint beeping of the machines. She looks over towards the babies and her heart breaks a little at them, all of them all here for different reasons, some worse than others and that was a horrible thought. Steve holds out a pink gown like think for her to put over her clothes. It was the first time since seeing Steve that she relised he was wearing one himself. He smiled at her as she put on the gown and then he guided her over to the main area.

Inside there was about 6 babies all attached to different machines and it was a little overwhelming but then there was a little pod like thing in the corner of the room and she just knew that this was the little girl who she just had to meet. She and Steve walked over and as she saw the little girl her mouth fell open. The little girl had a little breathing tube coming out of her nose, and wires attached to her chest and was just so small, Grace felt tears come to her eyes. Steve looked over at her and put a hand on her back.

"Hey, shes okay. The doctors are doing a great job and she has got the best care that she could get," Steve assured her and then he pointed out all of the stuff.

"The breathing tubes are helping her breathe because her lungs arent fully developed. Nothing of hers is really fully developed but here she is as safe as she can be". Grace looks at Steve and cant help but smile at the sight of him. The look that he gave his little girl made her cry a little more. The love that he had for the little girl was evident.

"I like how you are the one asssuring me. She's your baby. And you have been pretty much sobbing since the moment i saw you" Grace said, wiping her eyes. Steve chuckles a little.

"Yeah, i guess i was but Gracie" he says looking at her. "Most of it was because i was just so happy to see you and your dad". Grace gives him a soft smile. She leans into Steve and leans her head on his shoulder.

"You are going to be a good father Uncle Steve".

Danny took a few minutes to himself before he ringing Tani. God this was going to be fun to explain. "Danny," Tani voice fills his ear.

"Hey, hows everything going over there".

"Everythings fine. Junior and Charlie are just playing in the backyard with Eddie. No cases have come up thankfully" she tells him and he sighs in relief.

"Yeah thats really good" he mutters out.

"So whats going on with Steve." Danny leans his head into his hand and then leans back in the chair a little bit.

"Um... Steve has a daughter". There is silence on the other side of the line for a minute.

"What do you mean he has a daughter, when did that happen" Tani asks confused. Danny lets out a big breathe before leaning forward again.

"He and Catherine met again the day he left and started a relationship again. They called quits a few months ago and Steve was going to come back to Hawaii but then Catherine found out she was pregnant. She ended up having HG and was in hospital for months and then after she got out she had a bunch of other health issues. She went into early labor and thats why we are here" Danny explains as simply as he can. He can hear movement on the other side of the phone, most likely Tani sitting down.

"Okay, but then why did Steve called all distressed. Was he having a bit of a new dad freak out" Tani asks jokingly and god Danny knew that she was going to feel horrible after what he had to tell her next.

"Tani... Catherine died". There was more silence. Danny looked down at the floor and sighed.

"She had a heart attack after the baby came and she was too weak to be saved". It takes another minute before Tani speaks.

"Hows the baby. Hows Steve?" Danny looks towards and shakes his head.

"The baby was born at 30 weeks and is the NICU and Steve... Steve was inconsolable when we came. Just kept crying... God Tani" Danny starts to cry. All of the feels taking over him like a wave and god he wished he would stop. He had to be strong.

"Danny. Hey. Listen to me, everything is going to be okay. You and Grace are there, that is what Steve needs right now is you two. And you said you were is Cedars, its one of the best hospitals in the entire country, number 1 in California. The baby is in the best hands there. And Steve... Steve will need some time but he will get better and with you Danny. He can do anything". Danny lets out a shaky breathe before leaning back in his chair and nodding.

"Yeah your right".

"I know i am. Now i have to ask, have you seen the little munchkin yet". Danny laughs.

"No i havent, Grace is in there with Steve. There is only 2 allowed in at a time. And munchkin really".

"Hey dont you judge me Danny William. I will give that baby any nickname that i want. And you better get photos. I am going to tell everyone the exciting news. And we want updates" she tells him and Danny just nods.

"Yeah i will keep you updated okay".

"Okay, well i better go and get these two lot in before they get too muddy, i do not want to clean Eddie today." Danny laughs knowing how much of a pain that dog is to clean, the amount of time he, Steve, Charlie and Grace have got soaked from cleaning him was too many to count at this point.

"Okay, well give me a ring later before Charlie goes to be tonight".

"Okay i will Danno".

"And Tani".

"Yeah".

"Can you not tell Charlie about the baby and Steve just yet. I want him to hear it from me first".

"Yeah sure, i'll tell Junior".

"Right. And Tani".

"Yes Danno".

"Tell Charlie i want to hear his virdict on whos pancakes were better".

The door of the NICU opens and Steve and Grace walk out. Grace has a smile on her face and she turns and hugs Steve. "Thank you for calling" she says to him and he smiles hugging her back.

"You are family Grace. I want you apart of my daughters life." Grace nods against him and Steve looks and Danny who is just smiling at the sight in front of him. Steve leans down to Grace and whispers to her.

"Lets not tell your dad the name yet. I want it to be a suprise." Grace nods and lifts her head to Steve.

"Want to be he is going to cry."

"Of course he is. Your dad cries at the dumbest movies," and the pair of them laugh.

"What are you two laughing at," Danny asks them as he stands up and walks towards them.

"Is it something about me," he asks and Steve and Grace look at each other with smirks on their face.

"No Danno its not about you," Grace says closer to him.

"Im going to go and get some coffee whilst you are in there. Do you want some Uncle Steve?"

"Yeah that would be great, Gracie. Thank you."

"I'll be back in a bit," she tells them before walking away leaving Danny and Steve alone together for the first time in two years. The pair stare at each other not knowing what to say.

"Do you want to come meet her," Steve asks causing Danny to nod at him.

Danny and Steve walk towards the baby after putting on their covers. Stopping in front of the incubator, Danny cant help but smile. This was Steves baby and she was so, so perfect. Danny loved her so much already.

"She's perfect Steve" Danny says first, smiling at the baby. The tubes and the wire were a little scary but Danny knew they were helping her.

"She is..." Steve trails. Danny turns to him and sees the worry on his face.

"Hey whats wrong," he asks. Steve lets out a shaky breathe

"When Catherine told me she was pregnant I was so scared. So scared that i was going to be a terrible parent but i felt better about it because at least Catherine was there. And now that she is gone... i am so scared i feel like the world is just going to suck me up Danno. I feel like i am constantly going to fail her... that im not good enough" Steve cries. Danny shakes his head and takes Steve in his arms.

"Hey, you listen to me Steve McGarrett. I know what that feels like, hell i still feel like then when it comes to Charlie and Grace but hey," Danny points and the baby girl. "She is going to love you. She is going to love you because you are her dad and you are going to be a god damn great dad to her. She is going to be the luckiest kid alive because you are her dad. And i know this because i have seen you with my kids and if you treat her like you treat them then she is going to be a very amazing girl, Steve. Yes there are going to be times were you mess up and feel like you are failing them but that is a part of being a parent." Steve looks at Danny and nods.

"You know you have gotten pretty good at the speech thing," Steve compliments and Danny raises his hands.

"I have always been good at the speech thing you have just never appreciated it before," Danny sasses and Steve laughs.

"God i missed this" Steve whispers and then there is the silence again. The silence were the both of them had so much to say but not knowing where to start.

"Danno I..." Steve starts but Danny puts his hand up.

"Steve, hey. Lets not do this now okay. Let focus of Baby McGarrett for now. And then umm we can discuss the whole other stuff later, okay," to which Steve nods knowing that he was right.

"Now, i am going to take some pictures because I have some very eager people awaiting pictures back home" Danny says fishing out his phone and snapping a picture.

"Now do we have a name for this little girl" Danny says while uploading the picture of Baby McGarrett onto the group chat that Tani had set up. Steve letss out a breathe.

"Me and Catherine never picked out a name. I mean we were arguing over a few names the past few weeks but nothing stuck out really."

"And what sort of names were you picking out. Because i can not imagine Steve McGarrett sitting reading through baby name lists."

"Well Catherine actually made me download this app and it was like baby name tinder."

"Did you just say baby name tinder."

"Yeah baby name tinder. Its a thing. You send a link to someone and your accounts link and then you swipe right or left on the names you like and then the name pops up if its a match," Steve explains and Danny raises his eyebrows.

"Now that is the smartest but dumbest thing that i have ever heard. I mean who thinks up of these things."

"I dont know Danno, its not like i messaged the guy asking him how he came up with his app concept," Steve argues.

"Hey im just say" Danny says putting his hands up in defence. Danny sighs looking at the baby, at this rate the poor thing was never going to have a name.

"Here look through it" Steve says as he holds out his phone. Danny looks at his confused.

"Look through what".

"The list of names me and Catherine liked. Pick one you like and then that will be her name," Steve explains and Danny holds a breathe.

"You want me to pick your childs name."

"Yes Danno that is exactly what i am asking you to do." Danny stares at Steve for a minute before looking down at the list on the phone. There wasnt many, five or so. Danny read through them all putting them together with Steves last name and there was only one that stuck out to Danny.

"Daisy." Steves eyes never leave his daughter as Danny says the name and he smiles at her. Daisy, that was her name, it was perfect.

"Now i am telling you now i am not helping you pick out her middle name. You can do that yourself" Danny says handing Steve his phone back over.

"I dont have to pick out a middle name. It suprisingly the only thing me and Catherine agreeded on."

"And what did you decide on."

"Dani" Steve tells him, now he had to see Dannys face and Steve swears he could see tears in the shorter mans eyes.

"Her middle name is Dani, after the pain in my ass but also my best friend" Steve explains and Danny nods his heads. He sniffles and wipes his nose before giving Steve a hug.

"Thanks man. I love you," Danny tells him pulling back from him.

"Your welcome and i love you too." Danny and Steve turn back looking at Daisy and smile.

"Dasiy Dani McGarrett. Great name. Everyone is going to love this" Danny says as he messages the groupchat the name and picture to follow that he didnt send before.

"Yeah its perfect," Steve says as he looks at his daughter.

"You know i am going to hold you to the fact that you let me help name your child over your head for the rest of your life right," Danny tells him. And all that Steve can do is chuckle and nod his head.

"Yeah i know Danno. I know."

[puppyyboyy]

huge vent under the thingy

.

im really selfish i think, like i dont really do much for people and i dont like to talk to people anymore as much as i used to but i think im just scared of people now. my parents pulled me out of school so i wouldnt be bullied but i think it just made my social anxiety worse

im also really sensitive and cry easily and i dont like that, yesterday i almost started crying because i couldnt find a room number in school (i was there for exams) that was super embarrassing

today is my brothers birthday and he has special needs and i feel bad because he has no friends to celebrate his birthday and my sister left the house to go hangout with her boyfriend so its only my mom, dad and me there for him on his birthday and i feel so bad and im like miserable right now and i woke up really upset because i was almost late for my exam and i definitely failed it because i guessed on almost question and i talked about college today and my plans with my guidance counselor at school and she talked about what im gonna do after highschool and i dont know what i wanna do because i thought i was gonna kms at 11 years old and not have anything else ahead of me and im so lost now and i dont even know what to do anymore

and im crying because i cant stop thinking about all the stuff thats gone wrong in my life and if i did things differently i couldve been happier and a better person

and i feel bad cuz im ignoring literally everyone rn whos texting me and im just sitting on my bedroom floor crying and writing this lmao im literally venting on tumblr💀 how did i get this bad omg. i could use my notes app to vent but i also want someone to read this, like anyone idc who im not even asking for help i just wanna be seen in a way i think

and my head is always full of ideas and thoughts and its hard to do anything because its always racing and i dont like it at all and i cant ever find the right words to get all these thoughts out or draw them out because i make art but irs not good it sucks and i hate my art style and i hate how i cant draw poses right or render correctly it pisses me off

my sister is really good at art, she goes to college for it and is way better then me and my parents are always praising her about her art and i feel like ill never be as good as her with anything, shes an honors student and graduated almost top of her class and president of the art club at her highschool (currently my highschool) and i got pulled into a bunch of shit when i made friends at highschool and they are all older then me and have so much drama and i feel like no matter who im friends with i cant be friends with the other people i wanna be friends with because they have drama together and if im one persons friend then i cant be the other persons friend because then im a bad person and i just hate it so much i hate beiing around people and i hate having to pick sides and i wish i could kms and i wouldnt have to deal with anything anymore

and then with my sister- anything i do or make art of my parents are like "cool!" and move on with their rlife and when my sister does art they post it on their facebook and show other family members and praise her so fucking much. im not saying i want all that but it feels like they dont even care

and i also noticed i get less things at Christmas and on my birthday now ever since i came out as trans to my extended family like my grandparents and uncle and aunt, my sister and brother get a bunch of shit and ill get some books and some other shit i dont even want or asked for but my sister gets money and a bunch of shit she asked for (expensive things) and my brother gets new electronics every fucking year. he got the newest iphone and a ipad and a fucking 3d printer last christmas???? and i got books and a 20$ Michaels gift card? its so unfair i with i was cis and my family would like me more itd not even about the gifts its just in general they got so distant and weird with me i feel so odd when i go to family events

sexual talk here- and i feel really gross a lot of the time cuz im sexual a lot and i wish i wasnt because i always feel gross and idk it makes me feel weird i guess its just hormones and a trauma response from when i was younger but i just feel weird especially when im alone and im being sexual i feel gross after and i dont know why im like this

theres so much on my mind and im just like AGHHHH!!!!!! i wanna cut myself and bleed out everywhere istg (i wont actually cuz im very afraid of physical pain)

[msookyspooky]

OH. MY. GOD.

i just finished terrible trilogy AND OH MY GOD set me up, sequels suck and terrible trilogy are SO FUCKING GOOD???? you got me hooked on every fucking word !! a fanfic has NEVER done that to me before !! i had to literally drag myself away from my computer and stop myself from clicking on the next chapter because i had things to do !! i mean hell my exams start a few days from now and for the last couple of days all i could think about was ur fic !! couldnt do anything other than read it and have it consume my brain!! i have so many thoughts and so many more things to say about this but ill have to wait till my exams are over and when they are rest assured i will be making a huge post about all of it !!! when i finished terrible trilogy i had to stop myself from starting four’s a franchise!!! i just i cant ur writing is so SO SO good it makes me go insane !!! and the way ur reader is so realistic!! like still emotional and a wreck but still strong, badass and strong-willed !! shes stronger than me FOR SURE cause after stu being a wet sad dog in the last chapter of terrible trilogy i wouldve taken him in but that’s probably why shes the final girl and im not

okay enough rambling i need to save my thoughts for that one huge post ill be making after exams

AAWWW STAHP YOU ARE SO SWEET FOR WRITING THIS OUT 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 I HAD THE BIGGEST SMILE WHILE READING THIS JUST-

OMFG ILY SM FOR WRITING THIS BC I NEED IT. LIKE, I PHYSICALLY NEED TO HEAR I DID A GOOD JOB BC I AM REALLY STRUGGLING WITH THESE LAST 2 OR 3 CHAPTERS OF FOURS A FRANCHISE BEFORE 5 GETS STARTED 😭😭😭🥺💘💝😤

I cannot!!! I'm so appreciative you like my writing because right now the dialog in the latest chapter of faf isn't hitting and I'm about to post it anyways so thank you for the lil confidence boost 💘🥺

Terrible Trilogy I wrote in both the worst and best year of my life idk how to describe it and looking back chapters really reflect that bc how YN felt at times, that hopelessness, is how I felt. Yet at times the way they all were joking and reminiscing on a happier time was also a mood in 22-23 when I wrote it.

But fr YN's emotional state was easy for me to write but irl I would've either gave up sooner or fell for Stu's manipulative ass ways! 🥲😃 Like, you love me??? Well that changes everything! C'mere pathetic wet dog boy you have a home now. (The dog bites and killed the neighbors 💖)

I hope your exams go well!! And when you do read Fours a Franchise I hope it's worth it it's angst filled but I promise you all 5 gets much better with a time skip 😭🖤

[all-doggirls-go-to-heaven-2]

Maybe im happier without them, maybe im not. Truly no way to tell. But I have to think I do, right? I have to conceptualize everything as if I'm the one that was improved by what was done to me. I cant start to think that I was used because then it loses what was special about it. Then its just another fucking person that used Lena for fun and help and then tossed her when she wasnt convenient. And that sucks, right? Because even after its not a thing if it was just me being used then every fond memory that pinches my heart at night is me being weak.

And I couldnt think of myself like that

[blueeandyellowmakesgreen]

Quick! Tag your top favorite byler blogs (as many as you want) and tell my why you love them in one line to spread positivity on the dashboard and make someone's day!

OH HELL YEAH

just wanna say im sorry if i forget people, and this *will* be a long list and be used as a way to gush about my mutuals B)

ANYWAY

@aemiron-main

thank you so much for your contributions to the fandom with your banger theories and analyses!! you made me consider things i never thought and not to mention someone who is amazing at art and overall a swell guy! love seeing your energy on my dash and keep doing what youre doing 💙

@will80sbyers

love your presence on my dash, and youre actually one of the blogs i first followed! youre overall just seem to be a a really cool blog along with theories, byler reminders and posts that make me kick my feet. and also thank you for spreading the bi mike agenda because youre SO real for that

@andiwriteordie @astrobei @blackdeathmamba

how do i explain in words how your fics make me FEEL. you guys are amazing and so creative and you just GET the characters so well and thats number one in my book!! its always so enjoyable along with a perfect balance of heart wrenching moments. i really appreciate the hardwork you guys do in your fics and im here to tell you its shown!! keep doing what youre doing 😁

@nnilkyway

yvie and i met in a discord server i made because i was Raging after vol2 and we just clicked! their theories and analyses on certain aspects of chars like mike with his playlist is so fascinating! their takes and scenarios make me scream always, hes also overall just extremely talented and hilarious, and i really am proud to be friends with him! please go check their art out, it is simply a staple for the byler fandom and you will love everything you see ❤️

@mlchaelwheeler

initially a scawy Big blog i followed, but ended up being one of my favorites simply because of their presence and scenarios. extremely funny, good asf takes, and their tags always make me feel so validated 💙💙💙 thank you also for paying attention to my succ liveblog JSJSJS

@strangeswift

ABBY MY BESTIE ABBYYYY whats not to love??!?!!!? their scenarios and fic drabbles they post are AMAZING and overall such a sweet and welcoming person!! she was essentially my first interaction here in bylertblr and i couldnt be happier that it was!! i love exchanging compliments and thinking and talking about byler in the dms with you, and i hope we get to interact more in the future 🥹 ily girlie

@nancysglock

your scripts. your takes. your posts and scenarios overall make me lose my MIIIND. and overall you just give this really cool vibe, like youre so cool to me and it makes me so happy we’re mutuals!! i love what you do and keep up the great work on your stuff!!

(also fun fact remember that anon that asked you about your process in scriptwriting? that was me <33 seriously love what you do)

@wibble-wobbegong

i think st writers should just hire you because not only do you get mike’s char, you get ALL of his relationships with others. you analyze them to such an intricate degree and break them down in a way that never made me consider certain things before. im currently giving you a badge of The mike truther, along with others. also i just generally love your tags and your presence is energetic and positive!

EDIT: MORE ADDITIONS BC HOLY SHIT I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TJEM

@new-ronantics

eevie your art your posts your takes oh my god it makes me shake in my boots in the best possible way thank you so much for your contributions everything you do and say is QUALITY and youre gen one of my faves here how the hell did i forget im so sorryturhdjejfjs

@strangersynth

if you saw my tags in your mike theory videos you know damn well what i think of your blog

if you dont? im losing my mind. it made my jaw drop. your edits are so creative and groundbreaking!! showstopping, cinematic, smooth, and thought provoking!! its literally one of the most creative and cohesive ways to present a theory while keeping your audience engaged!! im sorry i just. I LOVE YOUR EDITS SO MUCH I THINK ABOUT IT EVERDAY IM SHAKING IT IN A PRINGLES CAN

[liquidstar]

You know, I’ve seen lots of fics where Subaru’s friends react to his return by death in some contrived circumstance, like in a movie theater. However, I’ve never seen a fanfic where Subaru’s parents react to his life in Lugnica without return by death, seeing his actions without any context. How do you think that would play out?

well im not really much of a fanfic person so i dont think i cant eloquently write out the scenario itself... but if theyre not seeing the return by death theyd at least be spared seeing their son graphically die repeatedly, regardless of if hes "okay" after i cant imagine that would be anything but horrifying beyond words.

if theyre only seeing his actions the way the other characters see them then they probably wouldnt be as devastated at least, but subaru still goes through some pretty fucked up shit even in only the "main" timeline. i think theyd still be sad their son had to go though that. but i can also see them being very proud of him for the good hes done. and also want to scold him for all the dangerous shit he gets up to on a regular basis (does he have a death wish or something!?). mixed feelings would probably be an understatement.

if they were just getting a general overview of his life on legunica, maybe from his friends or something, i feel like theyd be a lot happier with it, especially if they see hes happy and loved by all his very weird friends. because thats all they want for him anyway. if they were actually seeing DETAILS of what happened i can imagine theyd have some more complex feelings about all the near-death experiences his friends were involved in though lol

but, you know, like naoko herself said "what matters isn't how you start. it's how it ends" and i think she would be happy to know her son took that advice to heart, even if it was from a version of herself that his brain made up to tell him what his mom WOULD say. and shed be happy to know that her son quoted it by saying it was told to him by the woman he respects the most in the world.

and kenichi... hes a pretty eccentric person already and a lot of subarus mannerisms, especially early on, were just mimicking his father. i think hed be proud to see him grow up into his own person with his own friends and identity, but i also think hed be sad he wasnt there for it. i think they both would be. i think one of the biggest tragedies of re:zero is how much naoko and kenichi love their son more than anything in the world.

but to quote naoko again "we didnt have you so you could do something for us, we had you so we could do something for you." so i think... at the end of the day... if they believed that despite everything subaru still ended up happy and loved they would let him go too. but it would hurt. because they love their only son so much. it would sting at least a little to see him thrive in a world you couldnt reach. but it would also be a hell of a relief to know hes not dead in a ditch somewhere... bittersweet but far better than the alternative of just never knowing what happened.

[onlyjaeyun]

my angel love zadie!!🌷🤍 idk if my asks are going through/being delivered to you bc my tumblr has been a bit weird lately :/ but i want to send another one and hopefully you’ll receive it!!

BUT OHHHH MY GOODNESS THE LAST COUPLE CHAPS LETS DISCUSS:

the amount of times i had to pause my reading session for the friendmas chap bc the more i read the more my heart broke and im too fragile to read it all in one go🥲💔 but hoon’s secret santa present for yn omg that was the most beautiful and thoughtful gift ever and the fact that it was hoon’s peace offering to finally put an end to all this enemy stuff made me so 🥺🥺 AND HIM WRITING THE CARD IN JAPANESE TOO!! i know our hearts have to hurt for a bit but im so excited to see soft and fluffy hoonie w/ yn and vise versa like they are each other’s person❤️‍🩹

now i don’t want to talk about the interaction with riki’s mom but i’m going to talk about it — what a witch!!! the fact that she could even sleep at night after knowing what she did to sunghoon & yn’s friendship is so unsettling to me like they were so young :(( and when hoon asked “what letter?” i swear i got so silent and had to stare blankly into my wall to process my heart shattering into a million pieces. like how they treated each other for the past decade was built off of a huge misunderstanding caused by none other than that witch of a mother/stepmother, i swear when i catch her!!!!! and yn giving up her dream for riki :(( she loves him so much and so does he like i cant even imagine riki’s emotions finding something out like that. also with yn too like she carried such a burden for the longest time to make her brother happy i’m so :(( they deserve a happy ending too and knowing that their “family” can never come near and hurt them ever again makes my heart so content😭❤️‍🩹

the nishimuras have such a special place in my heart 🥺❤️‍🩹 i don’t have any siblings so i like to indulge in her character a bit and their closeness is just something that pieced my broken heart from the friendmas chapter back together🫶🏻

NOW HOON FINALLY CONFESSING TO HIS BOYS HIS FEELINGS FOR YN!!!! i’m so so excited to see how this all unfolds and for hoonyn to get all fluffy and do couple things🥹💓

as always, i hope life has been treating you well my love!!! always thinking about you and how you’re doing🤍 wishing for you to be happy always baby!! sending you so much love💓💓💓

- 💌

oh goodness, my sweetest, kindest, softest baby's here and i couldnt be happier, hi my love 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤍

first of all, i hope you've been doing well and that life's been treating you even better baby, you deserve nothing but the best!🤍 please make sure to take care of yourself and i hope you have the best weekend ever 🤥💗💗🌥️

now, you have NO idea just how much your feedback and review on the most recent chaps means to me 🥺 thank you thank you thank you :( not only for taking the time out of your day to make mine so much better but also for always being so sweet and so kind to me, i can't even explain just how grateful and appreciative i am of you. i love you so so so much and am still giggling over your reactions, i love it SO much 😫

sending you the biggest kiss baby 💐🌷💞

[summerlycoris]

I wish i could just fall in line about the israel/palestine conflict (because while its called a war, it cant be if one side only has a militia at best)

Just. Fall in line with the most extreme pro-pal arguments-

'fuck israhell! They all need to be shipped back to europe!' (Half the population was expelled or migrated from mena countries, fleeing persecution in places like Yeman and Syria. And the people who were born there? Where would you send them? If they have german ancestors, but speak no german, as an example.)

'They deserve to die for the genocide of Gaza.' (Do you also believe Russians should die because of Putins war on Ukraine? Israel has 7 million jewish people living there. Out of a global population of 15 million. Thats over half of a small population. That death toll would be higher than the jewish victims of the holocaust.)

'Why are you distracting yourself from the real deaths happening in Palestine right now?' (Valid point. I dont like to just look at the here and now. I try to consider how my actions affect the future. Its not perfect, and I think its just pointless ruminating more than anything. But I do try to consider the future.)

Its just. If i could turn my brain off and go with the flow, Id be happier. Id thought for ages i couldnt be affected by peer pressure like neurotypicals can. But this is proving me wrong.

Im so tired. Of trying to think about what im doing. I wanna just be numb to nuance. Black and white thinking would be easier. All Israelis are evil, there is nobody there begging for peace.

(Itd be easier if i could believe that.)

This situation has got me questioning- how much of my earlier beliefs were really mine? And how much was just me passively taking in what people i trusted told me?

Can we get a ceasefire yet? Please?

I dont want to see more people getting blown up or shot or starving. I dont want to see Shani Louks corpse in the ute when I try to go to sleep. I dont want to see Hind when I look at my sister. Hear her cousin screaming as shes shot. Hear Hind begging for someone, anyone, to come take her. See dead babies in tiny bags. See more misinformation spread without regard for who it targets, or hurts. I dont want to try to find news articles that arent inflammatory. I dont want to see people burning themselves alive. I dont want to feel guilty for not being able to donate more money to gofundmes, and fundraisers. I dont want to see people I trusted posting blood libel anymore. Or revisionism. Or warmongering. Havent you (general you) seen enough blood for a lifetime?!?!

It seems to me that everything is spiraling completely out of control. And theres nothing I can do to stop it.

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[xx-neon]

july 4th

hi again.

i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.

again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.

so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.

he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.

ouch.

another ouch? 

im her manager at work

looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.

im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.

do i seem happier?

i actually tried killing myself. 

not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?

so i really did it.

obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo 

this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me. 

im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.

but then theres this.

schadenfreude

its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.

thats how i feel towards my ex

i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?

i never said i was a good person LOL.

i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.

okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back. 

ill try to write more now that im happy. 

xx

[celestialpotat0]

nights

one of my close friends got engaged, she invited me to her engagement party. because the proposal was a surprise and was after my work time off request deadline had already passed, i told her i'd have to wait until the schedule was released and i'd most likely be able to switch with someone to attend her engagement party.

the schedule came out and her engagement party was smack dab in the middle of 7 nights of graveyard shift that i got scheduled. which i didn't expect and was completely unaware in advance that i'd be scheduled nights. unfortunately i couldn't switch with anybody so sadly had to tell her that i would have to miss her engagement party. if the week of nights were any other week i wouldve been able to attend. or if i had any other shift than nights this weekend.

i saw her in march and she told me that plans had changed and it actually was going to be her wedding. i was really sad that i couldnt make it because i've been friends with her for 10 years and it breaks my heart that i couldn't be there with her on a once-in-a-lifetime momentous occasion for her wedding on april 9 in socal.

to make matters worse, my aunt's funeral was also this same weekend on april 8 in socal. and i couldn't attend either because of being scheduled nights.

as much as it sucks sometimes that i have to miss events like close friends' weddings and family members' funerals, i remind myself that patients in need require us hospital workers to make sacrifices. i went to a code yesterday and a v long code today and as i worked at bedside and interacted with the other team members to stabilize the patients and prevent respiratory/cardiac arrests, i very much felt that we were all there together to try to do some good. i knew that nobody who was there working in the middle of the night particularly wanted to work overnight instead of during the day, but we were all there for the patients. every time i messaged or got phone calls from providers i was thinking about how they are also up all night just trying to keep their patients alive. i just hope for the best for all of my colleagues and hope they keep their spirits up and don't get burnt out. it is kind of a beautiful thing to see us all working together as a team to keep the patient alive, people jumping in to help each other out, nurses who help me by going to get some IVF or drugs from omnicell for me, pass supplies to me, write labels on meds I draw up, clear trash from my workstation, etc.

the weather has finally gotten less rainy and i am thrilled spring has sprung! i went on a cruise last month because my sis and i paid for our parents to cruise (it is nice to be able to treat my parents now after how indebted i am to them and how much i've just taken taken taken from them my whole pitiful life.) it was freezing cold and rainy on the deck and we were stuck at sea for three days lol due to really windy conditions. the ship was rocking so significantly. but i absolutely loved the performers on the ship. i loved watching the talented singers, dancers, and musicians. i just sat by myself on numerous occasions soaking in the music, taking it slow, living in the moment. the cruise was from monday to friday and i had only 1 alcoholic drink for the entire cruise because i wanted to have a sober vacation. i was working out and staying active, eating in moderation, and didn't drink, and it felt great to treat my body well. also loved meeting people from so many different countries.

i dont mean to complain about my schedule. at the end of the day, i am grateful that i enjoy my work. sure, i constantly have to tell my friends that i cant join whatever normal things they want to do on weekends or evenings, but i think that makes me appreciate my time off even more. so that when i DO get a vacation or a weekend off, i feel happier. and the work shifts go by in the blink of an eye and i am never bored. i get to do what i love.

only two more night shifts before im off for a week and traveling to explore nature. yippee!

[unrequitedundeserved]

i feel like people stop liking me when they get to know me

it really sucks, and i dont get whats so wrong about me. It feels like a weight on my chest, and its cold, and chilling and isolating. I can never guess what it is. in any situation im somehow the outsider. ive just come to accept it, and i have friends, but we are basically our only friends. and theyre across the country. when i get to know people at school it goes nowhere. I hate it, theres no real connections here, If i open up to someone, and i dont mean spill all my traumas or experiences or whatever, I just mean be like my old self, be like the “cainy” that my mom knows, i think they get distant. i asked one friend to hang out all the time and he always says no. I also tried to get to know a girl and got rejected before I even got the chance to ask her if she wanted to hang out. I try to laugh it off but that weight looms, waiting to press down on me once again. my mom said Im no longer her “cainy” i look like a grown ass man. I think im too sensitive, everything gets to me and everything i overthink. Why cant i still be your little boy? Do i look so different? Do you no longer see me the same? What would my dad say if he saw me? Does he look different too? 

Im scared to talk to my dad or see him in person, I think he has gray hair and seeing him older will make me cry, the thought of it makes me cry. And hes gonna die thinking i hate him but Im so mixed up in the head I just cant face things anymore things get too real. im too vulnerable and maybe thats why people dont like me, im so quiet i remember one time a girl caleld me “stand offish” but i was just walking down a hallway. 

Do i look so different to people? I was already unnoticed before so whats the difference? I dont want to be like some shut in incel wierdo I just feel so alone here, or anywhere. At dinner talking to my cousin i felt like i was talking to a stranger, i felt the same way with ym aunt. I adopt so many different identites or try to attach my self to things but im just me. I wish i could still be cainy or the energetic happy curious kid you remember that you even wrote a letter to me describing how ive changed and im no longer that kid. Do you also wonder what happened to me? do you blame yourself for it? do you think your a bad mother? Im crying as i write this. I love you, i love a lot of people, Im sorry i dont show it something is just wrong with me so deeply wrong, was i just bullied? was it because I got caled a deformed child and got my looks made fun of for years? did that change me or was it high school teachers kicking me out of their class becuase I was too stupid and putting me on suicide watch. Do you wish I was a different kid? sometimes I forget that I was a mistake, and you didnt mean to have me. Im sorry, im sorry that you couldnt be with that man that you would write letters in red ink to, that sounds like real love to me and i Robbed you of that. My existence robbed you of finding real love and im sorry, I am cain the murder the cursed doomed to walk alone. I cant pay any price higher than that so this is my repentance. Your not a bad mother, your going to grow old and get gray hair and die and I will be there i promise, but i still will wonder if I am a mistake to you, i remember one time you asked me why cant i be like lee, was that the son you wanted? im not angry as i write this, not in the slightest, i actually feel guilty. guilty that i cant be what you wanted, not the son or the type of son, i became a quiet loser and I wonder if you would be happier if you still got to write letters to that man you loved. I never feel angry at these things, i always put the guilt on me. 

I wish you couldve been happier, but I feel like your going to die feeling like this, and i wont get to change that because I cant. Dad will also die thinking i hate him, my life is so fucked up and I dont know how to change it. I cant change me. 

When that girl rejected me I listened to “Tonight, Tonight” on the way home. I opened the gate and checked the mail as the song hit its climax, and started shaking in tears, everything was too much then. But I wasn’t mad, I was just learning to deal with that as a person. I did like her but she was going to travel to paris and then the world, what could i give to someone like that? someone who has seen everything there is to have and would somehow choose me? It was impossible from the getgo, but for some ignorant reason I still wondered the possibility.

This is getting to long, im so goddamn wierd.

[dwter]

this clip and the clip of tina talking about how dream and other dsmp creators brought an entirely new and diverse audience to twitch will never not fail to make me emotional. theres few creators that want to actually acknowledge dream and the dsmp for the magnitudes they did for the streaming and gaming community as a whole, but poki and tina truly get it and them speaking publicly about it makes me really happy. dteam and the dsmp deserve so much more credit for completely changing the culture of twitch in less than a year. it's ridiculous that there's so few people that recognize how crazy the influx was and how drastically they changed the streaming landscape for women and diverse content creators. i hope later down the line someone writes about the shift because it truly is so groundbreaking

ive never seen thos omfg thank u so much for showing me anon !!!!! its so nice to hear, esp from someone as big (and also sadly, as targetted) as poki, that the influx and change in the demographic of twitch was not just not a bad thing with a bunch of “annoying” blue haired girls with pronouns, but a genuinely GOOD thing and made her experience on twitch better and just made twitch in general a more inclusive space is seriously just so awesome to hear. like u said, ppl very rarely like to acknowledge the good that came from dream and the dsmp in general but their influence is undeniable and while u get a couple thousand dnf 💚💙 spammers, you also got an new set of people who have an entirely new world now open to them that is so much more approachable for so many different reasons. and it all circles back to the crafters and the way they completely changed the culture and created space for women and minorities in general :)))