#and i felt the need to just get mad abt this publicly.

[consequenceofcuriosity]

Hot take ascension is bullshit and we should all actually just like abandon the pursuit of it ngl. Like I'm serious if we all worked together and ignored the pursuit of a gift that nobody is here to receive in favour of just chilling out and doin whatever we want we'd be able to have better lives. Like maybe life isn't inherently shit maybe our creators all fucking lied to us maybe we should all just find happiness in the mundane of the world. Have any of you studied the many different shades of green that can exist in a singular patch of moss lately? Try doing that.

[herestomyhaters]

just finished love, victor season 2 & boy do i got a lot to say. beware the major spoilers & just fyi, this is comin' at you by a black, bisexual girl. PULL THE LEVER KRONK!

i don't really know who to blame 4 this, & i'm not one to dislike protagonists just because, it's just... is it me or are all other characters more developed + nuanced than victor is? i'd like to see who he is beyond the relationship drama. i mean all we really know abt him is that he loves basketball & we barely even saw anything about that this season (besides the whole homophobic lockerroom extravaganza)

mia brooks is defo giving me Best Girl. there's sth about her that warms my heart, and i think a big part of that is how rachel hilson brings her to life. it really makes u care about her. that being said, i wanna see more! i feel like they could be digging a lot deeper w/ her yet they never really do. hopefully s3 will be the one

ah, the whole benji situation. i'm not gonna lie, i don't really like benji. his relationship w/ victor was almost too perfect & bubbly for me, then it was a hot mess and they kept fighting over every single thing. i kept getting major gaslight vibes from him. i don't really think they belong together, though we should probably cut benji some slack since he has been dealing w/ a lot. i need him to own up about his white privilege tho

speaking of whites, felix weston! my man! he's one of my faves what do you want me to tell ya. seeing him in so much pain broke my heart but i love that they gave him more depth besides being the quirky, socially awkward bestie. he's one of my favourite characters 4 sure

which brings me to his relationship w/ lake. honest: i never really shipped them. they're dynamic was fun in s1 (though it was giving a bit too much stydia imo), though i never fully recovered from lake being embarrassed to publicly date him. they just didn't quite do it for me. and that's probably for the best cause... HELLO? BISEXUAL LAKE? LET'S FUCKING GO?! ngl i always thought if we got bi rep it would be w/ pilar, but i'm not mad abt this at all !!!

pilar !!! my bestie !!! my favourite serial killer vibes, billie-eilish-stanning e-girl. let's be honest she was kinda giving me pick-me vibes all season which didn't really seem like her? i could see the attitude in her style & snarky comments (which i both love), but i felt like sth was missing? maybe, just maybe... a plotline that isn't about simping for your brother's best friend who is in a relationship?

don't even get me wrong, i really like pilix! in that scene in s1, i did get the feeling sth could happen between them someday. i never really imagined they'd go abt it this way tho (i mean did we even see where pilar's feelings came from?), but i get how it's interesting to see felix being crushed on for a change. their chemistry is everything, i do wish the pining would've lasted longer (what can i say, a bitch loves slow-burn)

which is the same i can say for vahim. that's right baby, it's finally time to let y'all know where i stand. and where i stand is HERE. i love rahim to the death (also pilar & him are best duo!), he is hilarious & awesome but my god why is this show obsessed w/ getting characters into relationships when they've just exited one? barely?! absolute same thing w/ felix. it's kind of nasty & just makes rahim and pilar look like the rebounds

SIMON SPIER. WITH A BEARD. the power this mf holds cause 1 minute of his screentime had me crying like no other scene did. then victor saying he doesn't need him anymore?? well I DO ??!! i really hope they'll bring him back 😫

forgot to mention andrew so here it is: i love him, he's an amazing loving himbo jock bf. nothing else to say

all in all, i feel like a lot of situations could've been handled differently, and there's so much i haven't mentioned cause this season was PACKED (feel free to rant below). it's understandable i guess, so i'll end with these wise words by meghann fahy: it's tv BABY, people love drama!

[latefrequencies]

.

I was looking at things online abt how to get god to leave me alone and it’s all just Christians telling people like me who are being stalked by god that this is god’s way of loving me and wanting me to go back to him

i don’t want to go back to god because he does not love me or anybody else in any real way and he is an abuser. i do not know what will get him to leave me alone. people believe that him sticking his hand inside my head and playing with my brain or him burning his eyes all over me are his way of loving me and he wants me go to back to him. he wants me to believe in him again. so he follows me and touches me in ways I do not want, and it is because i should give him what he wants.

i don’t want to give him what he wants. i do not want to give worship to an abuser. i do not want to return to Christianity or to god. I didn’t have this problem when I believed. maybe this means I am in fact Wrong about everything and I should just. give god what he wants. maybe he will leave me alone

except also i cannot give him love because i love humanity too much. which is a disgusting sin in his eyes but it’s one i can’t make myself stop committing. i’m filth. fucking filth. i should be loving humanity as a service to god and not as a service to humanity. and i shouldn’t be loving humanity really, i should just be loving god and serving people as a way of serving god. i shouldn’t be doing it for people themselves. but i believe i should be doing it for people themselves. just for the humanity of it. god hates this. god is mad at this. i can’t make him un-mad. i would have to make myself incapable of wanting anything good for anybody for that to happen. i would need god to take physical form and become a human and make me fall in love with him so i could meet him. i would need him to do this for me specifically. i can only love him if i meet him. thats why i felt bad about loving anybody, because i did not love god, becuase i had not met him, i had only gotten thoughts from him. i had only had him tell me things and maybe it was because i was born evil and tainted in a way beyond what most people are like that i couldn’t hear his voice like my mother could. 

neither god nor i are capable of getting what we want - he wants me, i want to be free from him - so he just sort of torments me with it in the meantime and anyone who has these kinds of problems who asks for help publicly gets told that they need to give in to god. there do not seem to be any alternatives beyond “seek psychiatric help if this situation is going to make you harm somebody”, which some people have said online. i am seeking help but i am unlikely to harm anybody so i cannot get that kind of urgent help. i do not want to be hospitalized but i acknowledge that maybe i should be for my own good. my therapist doesn’t seem to want to hospitalize me. i don’t want to go back to my disgusting fascist family. i don’t want to leave my boyfriend. these are all thoughts that god wants me not to think, aren’t they. god doesnt want me to be happy. god wants me to be holy. that’s what ive been told. except i can’t be holy. and since i am not what he wants me to be and what i can never be, and because i don’t think it’s fair of him to do that and i don’t think it’s good for him to torture people, he’ll just stalk me and spy on me and watch me my entire life and i can’t get his eyes off me. fuck.

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

[pepprs]

im not feelin 2 Happy rn for a lot of diff reasons and i wanna vent abt it But i feel like a headass venting on finsta so im gonna do it here sorry this is gross and bad but im tired and feeling bad abt myself and need 2 yell abt it publicly for some reason lmao!

i invited a friend from school to stay over for thanksgiving bc she’s an exchange student and didn’t have anywhere 2 go for the holiday and i love her and love spending time with her but im so tired and drained from it and im so awkward and mad @ myself bc i can’t relax and stuff and my mom keeps makin digs @ me abt bein awkward in front of her and i BFNFBSBFBG D bbbdbf it’s not good??? i mean i thik shes having a good time but im so worn out bc we Never have had a friend sleep over before?? and she’s staying an extra night tonight which was……. unexpected and it’s Fine but Fuck i am Mentally Tired and our upstairs toilet is broken rn but i can’t use the one downstairs bc it’s Her Bathroom and djfjsjtkksjektkr fuck i have to pee and idk what to DO im distressed! also i have to be on mega polite mode until we drop her off tmrrrw morning and my introverted ass just wants to lay down and die!!!! this is why i can’t maintain any friendships i just get so tired and people probably hate me for it i hate myself i hate being antisocial and reclusive and withdrawn and Terrible So so so much!!!!!! Fuck!!!

i didn’t do any sort of thanksgiving post or anything or even like. Tell Anyone I Am Grateful For Them and i feel like shit abt it. and honestly? thanksgiving didn’t even really feel like thanksgiving this year. bc we normally watch the Macy’s parade and then go have thanksgiving @ the fire station and this year i slept through the parade and then we got my friend and went to someone else’s house and we didn’t even say what we were thankful for and it didn’t feel like thanksgiving at all and im sad about ita like it was Good but it wasn’t…. thanksgiving. and nothing is the same anymore bc we’re in college now and all the magic is gone and im real sad abt it and i can’t stop thinking abt it

also i haven’t checked social media for like 2 days bc of my friend staying over and i checked it for the first time tonight andn everyone is posting all over Facebook and Instagram abt who and what they’re thankful for and i didn’t do that and now i feel really guilty and also Bad bc everyone looks like they had a great thanksgiving and mine was just stressful bc we had 2 prepare for my friend and i just jfdnsndkfbsbfnbsbfng? also i I have like 43 unanswered emails and 39588284847284 text messages and im SO!!!! STRESSED!!! OUT!!!! and i have an essay i have to work on this weekend and we didn’t even get a break bc my friend came over and dnnsbdjfkskrjtkdjf idk im so exhausted and mad @ myself rn fuck!

this kid i went 2 high school with unadded me on snap a few weeks ago for some reason (after i wished him a happy bday and he replied thank u??? and hen i saw he had unadded me and i was ?????) and today e posted smth on his story like “if i unadded u on snap i did it for a reason 😛” BUT IDK WHAT I DID AND MY HEADASS FEELINGS ARE HURT FJSJJFJFKSKF!!!!!! imI a Baby also he and my twin sis had a streak @ some point and he broke it but they were good friends or smth and apparently he told her he didn’t like me or smth last year and i???? Didn’t know This until she told me abt it just today and idk. I mean I don’t care abt him or what he thinks of me rly but im sad and tired and Numb and im scared i did something offensive and he has a reason 2 hate me or smth fnfebtkrjidk!!

we saw coco today (IT WAS SO GOOD) and i was sitting next 2 my friend and i teared up a few times but i didn’t let myself cry next 2 her and im ashamed of myself bc i wanted to but i held back and then felt like a stone hearted Idiot bc everyone else was crying lol!!

pocket camp has slowed down a lot for me which is Really frustrating like i can’t do anything c im out of crafting materials and it’s kinda systematic rna Nd imSO SAD bc i was so excited for it and now everything seems the same and i fucking knew it wouldn’t last im so upset an angry with myself for playing all day on the first day bc now im so far ahead hat i can’t do anything until i get more materials and i just feel like an idiot i was so excited and. Now I Am Stuck and i just gnsnfnsndj.

also ok i haven’t told anyone this and i don’t wanna jinx anything by typing it but ive been having…. i guess u could callit an intrusive thought but it’s more like i can’t stop thinking abt this thing that im afraid of happening???? and the thought keeps coming back @ the worst times and normally i can rationalize w myself to get myself 2 stop being scared but lately ive been really anxious abt it and rationalizing is Not Working and it’s nagging @ me (esp when we drive bc That’s Where It Comes From) and ive been rly on edge abt it lately and idk. Idk abt anything i just am not feelin good rn and idk what’s wrong with me but im tired and stressed and i have to PEE and i just snfndnbdjdjjfjdhjeejr god im so sick of myself lmao. anyways sorry for venting i always feel self conscious abt doing it bc ppl will judge me for it and als o i can’t do a readmore or anything on mobile so this is all Right Here but yeah. fuck

[mathes0n]

Ok I'm gonna complain publicly on my blog bc that's what I use this thing for anyways I'll be the first to admit, I reeeaaaally didn't like the new su ep for very personal reasons. Anyone who's been following for awhile knows that my baby ass has a lot of complicated issues around Mom Stuff, so of course an episode dedicated to Stevens complicated feelings about his mom was going to be familiar to me I... actually kind of loved the episode at first, when Steven was having fun with an idolized version of him mom. It was sweet, but it was also kind of uncomfortable, because you knew that it was too good to be true. It was familiar for me, and I was so excited for the resolution. When Steven had his outburst, I was ECSTATIC And then... he just. Forgave her. He decided that he was going to shoulder all of her past problems. That he was going to fix her mistakes despite having no need to That shit made me so mad; that is a TERRIBLE lesson for kids!!! Especially those who find themselves in abusive homes!!! They're going to tell themselves 'I just have to forgive my parents and take care of their problems for them'! NO!!!! I know that Rose isn't technically an abusive mom but you can't deny that her impact is leaving some trauma on Steven Idk I don't like posting about steets but I haven't felt this uncomfortable abt an episode since alone/at sea and I needed to get this off my chest