#and i have to suck it up and fucking act like a mom to my own mother and everyday i sit here just hating everything and anything
Note
this account is the reason i am on tumblr fr. could you do one where audrey and abby are plotting to get gracie and y/n together but theyre already together and audrey and abby either see them kissing or bump into them on a date or something
Monopoly
(Gracie Abrams x Reader)
I’m so sorry this took so long 😭
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"What're you smiling at?" Audrey teases her friend when she sees her smiling at her phone.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter" Gracie replies as she puts her phone down to face her best friend.
"Nothing wouldn't happen to be coming over today, would she? Me and Abby decided we should talk to her. We know you're never gonna make the first move so we're just gonna have to convince Y/n to like jump on you or something" Audrey smirks as she watches her roommates face turn red.
"Ew Audrey! What the fuck?!" The brunette groans as she walks to the kitchen.
"Don't act like you wouldn't love that!" Audrey teases before walking back to her room.
--
"Hey!" Gracie exclaims as she answers the door to see Abby and Y/n on the other side. She steps aside to let the other two girls in. Abby greets her cousin before walking to the kitchen to find something to eat, leaving the other two girls alone.
"Hi, I missed you" Y/n smiles as she quickly leans up to press a quick peck against the brunette's lips.
"I definitely missed you more. Audrey thinks I've got a crush on you by the way. She won't stop bugging me about it" Gracie replies as she looks around to make sure neither of the other two could hear them.
"Well, is she wrong? Abby thinks I've got a crush on you too. She keeps telling me stories about you as a kid by the way. Did you really rip the heads off all her dolls?" Y/n asks as she walks further into the apartment to sit on the couch.
"She was being a bitch. I wouldn't have done it if she didn't deserve it" Gracie replies, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend's shoulders, allowing Y/n to rest her head on her shoulder.
"You seem like you were a mean kid. I don't think we would've gotten along" Y/n jokes as Gracie scoffs jokingly.
"I wasn't mean! Abby was just annoying. She would always cheat at games. One time, we got into a big fight over monopoly and my mom said we weren't allowed to play anymore. We haven't played it since then"
"She still cheats at games. We should play monopoly tonight. I wanna see you being competitive" Y/n replies as she moves away from the brunette, seeing Audrey walk in.
"Gracie's always competitive. The other day, she threw my phone across the room because I beat her at Scrabble" Audrey tells her as she sits on the chair next to the couch.
"You definitely cheated. I would've won if you hadn't cheated" Gracie grumbles as she turns her eyes to the TV.
"Gracie, not everyone cheats at games. Maybe you're just not as good as you think you are" Y/n replies causing the brunette to jokingly glare at her before Abby walks in.
"Yeah, she kinda sucks at games honestly. She only thinks she's good because she always beat Henry and August but that's only because they suck even more" Abby teases as she takes a seat next to Y/n on the couch.
"Fine, lets play monopoly then. I'm gonna kick all your asses" Gracie grumbles as they all go to sit at the table.
--
"You need to pay!" Gracie yells at her cousin when she lands on her property.
"No I don't! You didn't even pay for the property! You just took the card" Abby yells back as she covers her money, making sure the brunette can't steal it.
"Y/n, tell her I paid for it!" The brunette asks the banker only to be interrupted by her cousin.
"Of course she's gonna side with you! You're her favorite!"
"Guys maybe we should stop playing-" Y/n tries to say only to be interrupted.
"I am not her favorite! You're her best friend and roommate! She would only side with me because I'm right" Gracie yells at her cousin before storming off to her room.
"That was.. intense" Y/n says as she begins packing up the game.
"Well, Gracie did tell you we weren't allowed to play. Now you know why" Abby replies before getting an idea.
"You should go follow her. Me and Audrey can finish packing up"
"Are you sure? It's just a game. I think she'll be okay"
"Just go. You would definitely cheer her up" Y/n agrees before walking to her girlfriend's room and closing the door behind her.
"Are you okay? I'm sorry, we shouldn't have played" Y/n tells her girlfriend as she takes a seat next to her on her bed before leaning her head on her shoulder.
"It's not your fault. Now you know why I broke her dolls" Gracie replies as she lays down on the bed, bringing Y/n with her and allowing her to rest her head on her chest.
"By the way, you're definitely my favorite. I love Abby but she's got nothing on you" Gracie smiles before leaning down to connect their lips. Y/n sighs into the kiss before Gracie moves to lay on top of her girlfriend so she can deepen the kiss. Just when she's about to take the other girls shirt off, the door opens causing them to jump away.
"Don't you two know how to knock?!" Gracie exclaims while Y/n lays on the bed in shock.
"How were we supposed to know you two were sucking face in here?! When did this start?!" Audrey replies with a big smile on her face.
"Around 3 months" Gracie tells them while Abby and Audrey begin to glare at the other two girls.
"So this whole time we've been trying to get you two together, you already were? Why didn't you tell us!" Abby asks.
"It's just been kinda fun sneaking around. Besides, you two would always leave us alone for hours trying to get us to confess and the alone time was kinda nice" Y/n speaks up for the first time since the other two girls walked in.
"Do you know how much I was panicking when you came home the other night with a hickey? I thought you were with some random girl! It would've completely ruined my plans" Abby tells her roommate while Y/n grins at her sheepishly.
"I'm so happy you two are together but if you ever have sex anywhere other than one of your beds, you're both getting kicked out 'cause we don't wanna deal with that" Audrey tells the both while Gracie and Y/n both look away with guilty looks on their faces.
"What the fucks wrong with you guys?!"
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!
It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.
Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)
Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-
#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense#guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that#maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days#just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow#vent#transphobia#speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it#and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems#i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare#(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time#especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name#the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name#and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont#sexism at its finest#reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name#ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else#its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it#but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender#prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car#id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong#Cori.exe#Post.exe#fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori#literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications#transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon
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I feel like I should disconnect for a few months to be productive but if I'm left alone with my brain I think I'll have a crisis
#c3personal#if the actual problem was the internet sucking up all my time that'd be one thing but. that's not the problem#the problem is my useless empty brain#ironically even tho the internet is overstimulating me as fuck at least it keeps reigniting some motivation and hope#and without that like. idk how I'd cope cause there is 0 motivation coming from my real life#being around my mom has been making me spiral into hopelessness so badly I sat down to make something today and I couldn't manage#you'd think being treated like shit would motivate me to prove myself but nope it just makes me make myself small and act out the useless#role she expects out of me#if I have to overhear her tell ppl how useless I am one more time I'm gonna fucking idk. idk#I keep saying I can't bear it but then I bear it
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"i just dont understand how a sane person could think of this" in response to a perfectly cute little piece based on a silly little image. i am attacking people with hammers
#shit like that sorta hits close to home i literally got called mentally unwell for similar stuff like having anthro cat ocs#bc ''if you were normal you wouldn't think of that stuff you'd think of normal kid stuff''#its soul sucking. i know thats a lot but its genuinely crushing.#its such an anti art attitude. only ever create things that are comfortable to the masses and fit within every single norm#never think outside of the box. even for silly things like a dog ponyo reference. thats Too Much. kill it. no human could do it.#it reminds me of when my aunt sought out my fanfic . net profile when i was in middle school with my pokemon and wc fics#and she made sure to loudly make fun of it at a party and talk about how it ''made her want to vomit'' bc it was so weird#and i needed to be checked out bc no normal kid would act like me. and that indirectly led to me deleting the entire account#bc i felt like a genuine fucking freak. it made me feel so insecure abt my art it made me so anxious to create#to this day i struggle with posting my writing specifically beyond stray ideas bc im worried itll pick up and people will say im a freak#and basically prove them all right#its a mindset im still trying to break down and its something my moms at least apologized for and im STILL affected by it so deeply#so it pisses me off so bad to see it repeated online even as a joke. especially when its used to harass people.#i feel like i need to tone myself down and make palatable art. but to some people that means the tamest shit ever like no anthro dogs#the only art allowed to exist to these people are those fucking eye doodles you make in math class and even thats a stretch
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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Being a systeen in an adult system while also being the host is such an experience because like yeah there's the obvious "I have to act the body's age most of the time bc singlets don't know how to interact with systeens" thing but like you'll end up playing therapist for your headmates toxic girlfriends who tell you to call them mom like ok points for accuracy but ma'am I am 15 and I do not want to bear the brunt of your relationship problems. You know this all of our dynamics hinged around the fact a systeen was frontstuck why are you talking shit about me and putting all this pressure on me I am internally a child come on
#vent#i guess?#also if any of said exes see this fuck off idc abt u anymore im allowed to talk abt stuff like this#but like it was actually insane how much they stressed my being a systeen and acted supportive#only to freak the fuck out when they decided their gf sucked and instead of breaking up with her and gauging our reaction#they gave the whole system 'the silent treatment' for months and the shit talked me to friends bc I was 'too nice to be genuine'#and 'guilt tripping them' by repeatedly reassuring them that their boundaries are important and getting anxious around them#like just POV you tell a teenager to call you mom and talk about being family but then you have beef with one singular adult headmate#and you're like mmmmm i will focus all of this on the teenager I think#like god I thought I had a space I could be myself and not worry in but no turns out im too vulnerable lmao#so it's like well now I'm definitely not opening up to people abt the reality of being emotionally and mentally stuck at 15
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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sorry for Ranting On Main™️, I just need to get this out of my system, feel free to ignore
#would literally be sooo cool if my family could stop being patronizing/borderline condescending#treating me like a child is getting old very fucking quickly. my mom always jokes how glad I'll be once I [finally] move out and it's like.#''ok but what if it wasn't a joke'' (internally anyway)#telling me what to do & not do with MY money like I'm not a fully grown adult is so......#like yes I've made financially questionable decisions before. but never before fighting myself for DAYS on whether or not I really want it#stop treating me like I'm 5 challenge (impossible)#and also acting like I'm lazy just bc you don't see me doing uni stuff like.. idk I work my ass off for those grades but go off I guess...#even then. I'm allowed to take breaks. I'm allowed to lie down and nap when I have headaches that refuse to go away. I have FEELINGS man...#being ridiculed for expressing said feelings & being sensitive is really Not It either like newsflash all this does is make me hate u <3#I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg but#shit like this is a big part of why 1. I haven't come out to anyone irl & 2. I refuse to voice my 'neurodivergence theory' out loud#because I know I wouldn't get taken seriously!! I fucking KNOW it!! and it sucks!!!#tw toxic family#tw negativity#(trying to not fall into the mindset of ''but others have it so much worse''....)#I don't particularly expect/want pity from anyone btw. I'm just really frustrated and don't want to bottle it up anymore
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#not having a great time today after my mom commented on my interests#i'm a person that is interested in shit i don't know this is why i'm very likely to follow disabled youtubers#in my time i have watched molly burke. multiplicityandme and a collection of autistic youtubers (guess why lol)#and my mom made a quite patronizing comment about how i ''take on causes'' by learning about stuff#and/or supporting fun and interesting youtube channels#but anyways it sucks even more because on her comment she made it clear (once again) that she doesn't believe me when i say#i might be autistic. and it fucking sucks!#because when i first talked to her about it even I didn't know much about it. i was just starting to do my research#and i was trying to make sense of things still but she dismissed it#but now that i do know more and things do make more sense#i can't even bring it up because the fact that i have been watching a lot of youtubers talk about autism will make her think#i'm just trying to be like them... which is stupid#but it's also the reason i didn't tell her that my best friend in my teens was trans. because i was trying to figure shit out myself#and telling her he was trans and then a bit later that i am as well was going to make her go ''everyone's trans now blah blah''#and dismiss that as well... but now i'm trapped in the same thing about autism lol#and her stupid loophole of a dismissal isn't just by saying ''no you're not autistic'' it's saying this like ''well MAAAAYBE you COULD be#but that doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter and why would you want a diagnosis if it's not gonna change anything''#same thing as her whole ''sure you're a man but why do you have to look and act differently? YOU know who YOU are#who cares what others think?'' in a don't transition way#like that's so stupid!#dkfjhkdfhkdfg#i'm angry and i feel trapped#i have figured out a little bit ago that i don't stim near as enough as i need to BECAUSE i live in the same house as her#and the idea of ear defenders and other stuff like that is very appealing but i can't do that while she's around to judge#and IN PUBLIC?! that's unthinkable!!#i still remember the time she threatened with not going out with me (to the supermarket) because I commited the huge crime of#buttoning the top button of my button up shirt....#that's it. that was the whole reason.. she thought i looked ridiculous and she didn't want to be seen with me...#imagine if i wear ear defenders out...#not gonna risk it lol
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they really need to invent a professor that teaches law that is forgiving and kind. idk.
#like it’s not even worth it to email him to ask if i can make it up because he’s just going to say i should’ve done it by the deadline and#there’s nothing he can do. which. um actually bro. there IS something you can do…#you can uh. give me a fucking break and let me take the quiz i forgot about because i was at work and doing other assignments#we can’t all have jobs where we get paid to be dicks to 20 year olds#like i’m typing this email and crying because i know he’s going to say no#and now i’m out 16 points and i’d need a 82 on the exam to get a C-#and there is zero chance of me even getting a 75 on this exam let alone an 82#so now i’m getting a D. which is passing sure but it’ll a) fuck up my gpa. and b) make me feel like a failure and an idiot for months.#and it’ll make my mom disappointed in me which will make me want to kill myself#when like. this is not even. a core class. why does he act like this about a class he knows the majority of students won’t do well in#and to make matters worse. i was nice on his course evaluation. i should’ve been meaner.#is there a way for me to directly contact his boss and say he sucks? will look into that.
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now one cares if ur mom loves you soooo muc and u love her soooo much and ur omg arent mothers soo great always bs. shut up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#(BEING VERY PETTY BC MINE SUCKS SO FUCKING MUCH)#but also if i have to see the post bieng like 'oohh imagine sweet nothing with how your mother always loves u unconditionly' everywere#(which good 4 u stop acting like thats the universal experience for everyone it fucking isnt)#then you all have to deal with me platonic-fing it and making it abt friendship. sucks to suck loser !!!!#like what if the soul deconstructers *are* my parents in my experience. what then bitch !!#sorry im rly just annoyed abt that one post bc i feel like theres an obsession among swifties to only every understand each song in a way#that like. does or cld fit within her life instead of relating it to ur own experince esp in regards to them all being abt romance#like ppl being like 'i cant believe ppl think x song cld count as a platonic love song when its obvs abt romancce'#or not understanding how the emotions expressed in a song abt a traumatic break up could also be related to other trauma#including trauma inflicted by a parent/friend/ any other relation someone cld have to someone#but the one time !! relating one of her songs to smth other than roamnce is acceptable to swifties its the stupid fucking#'ohh my mom is soo great shes the best' bs thats a sure fire sign the person saying it will never take anyone whos been mistreated#by the parents serious and just respond w 'but its ur momm u have to love her bc shes ur mommm :((((('#sorry ik im being needlessly bitter which sucks bc i have a a good point here like can we just let ppl relate to songs in whatever way they#want to and not care abt their being a 'defnitive' meaning to the song bc the whole point of art esp music is how YOU relate to it#also like. that post isnt bad at all its acutally completely fine im just bieng dumb and projecting ig bc i feel like the emotions of ppl#whos parents were good to them r always taken more seriously like. if i made a post talking abt relating the 'give me back my girlhood' lin#to my experince w my shitty parents i feel like it wldnt be taken as seriously as this 'uwu i love my momm' bs yk. anyway maybe im wrong !!#who knows !!!!! maybe i shld try to talk abt how i relate her songs to my personal experinces more#also i am being rly dumb sm bc ik other ppl have spoken abt relating her songs (esp mtr and tolerate it) to shitty parnets but iv also seen#ppl treat that like its dumb which is stupid !!!!! who cares !!!! ur being a dick let ppl relate music to whatever experiences they want !!#anyway. i think i seem more pissed her than i actually am im just annoyed bc this is a pet peeve of mine lol#flappy rambles
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#the thing is my mom carries so much pain inside her and i love her so much and she is wonderful#but at the same time there are things that i genuinely don't know if i can forgive. but she acts like there isn't anything#TO forgive which makes it worse#and whenever i bring anything up she doesn't change her behavior because she cannot recognize it when she's wrong about something#but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests#but it really sucks that she makes it so obvious#like can't she pretend to be interested in what i want to tell her?? for once??#you'd think fifteen-plus years of her pretending i was perfectly okay would merit some infodumping on my part#it's just that she's never apologized for not doing anything to help me she's just made excuses and said 'well sorry but'#and that's not enough but at this point i'm not going to GET a genuine apology out of her#or out of my dad he isn't exempt from this!#like i'm scared to ask my dad if he's seen a movie i think he'd be interested in because i don't want to set her off#or deal with her disapproval. and she just doesn't care about my special interests at all#which i get but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care that they make me happy either#like pretending that i'm not autistic now that i have shit figured out doesn't make it go away#it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers#this is why it means so much to me that you guys like when i infodump about old hollywood because no one else does#except my sister obvi but she does not live with me so#<333333#persannal
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best day of my life was when vimms lair let other regional versions of games be on the site u have no idea how happy i was. like yes finally i dont have to send people digging through a huge archive.org dump of DS games so they can play professor layton & not suffer thru lukes american dub voice 😭
#like me personally i dont care if i have to jump through hoops to download something so that wasnt even an inconvenience for me#if anything i loooove having to work harder to find a download for something it feels more rewarding <- has 2 much free time 2 spend online#but sadly the average person does not enjoy internet sleuthing or file conversion or downloading & installing torrent progeams or whatever#like they just want a ddl. which is absolutely fair like me too for a lotta stuff! but that means theyd go to vimms lair to download it#& just download the NA release 😔 like i think 99% of people do not care about this but i need you to go look up a comparison#of luke triton's NA english dub vs. his EU english dub. if you played the american ones just think about how he sounds in the movie#but like oh my god. im so grateful i lived in england when i got into layton cause that meant it was way easier to get UK copies of thegames#like i ended up getting a european 3ds while i lived there to play the 3ds games & it was so worth it. i Dont like american dub luke triton#HES NOT EVEN AMERICAN IN THE DUB he just has a fake british accent and it does Not sound good especially when i heard the (superior) dub 1st#like i need to stress the american dub isnt even that bad. its not speedwagon dub bad.#<- my mom compared speedys voice to dick van dyke in mary poppins which is honestly an insult to dick van dyke in mary poppins#like its objectively a terrible accent. but he makes it work. The jojos part 1 dub cast for 99% of the time... does not. 😭#ITS NOT EVEN BAD ACTING ITS THE ACCENTS. THEYRE AWFUL. i need you to know jonathan's VA also voices nero dmc and adachi persona4. like#hes obviously a talented voice actor!!!! But why cant you just hire a british person to do this#or like. at least an american who can actually do a good english accent 😭#like jojos makes it work... sometimes. i think its better in part 2 because theres like a variety of different accents and they all suck#like somehow that works in its favor. but knowing jonathan is one of the better ones in part 1 is 😭#dio is probably my fave of the english cast because well the bar is on the floor. but hes as dramatic as he should be#which definitely helps#i forgotwhat i was talking about. ummmmm. idk#in conclusion if you ask me sub or dub id have to say it depends. ''depends on what'' well what it depends on... depends!#<- only guy who writes conclusions to his fucking tumblr tags like its an essay or something#muffin mumbles
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Y'all I won't lie I be sad asl all the time
#lindsay speaks#// vent#this is the only way i know how to talk about my feelings to get them out of my chest so kindly ignore#i have a bad complicated relationship with my mom. i had an issue that's really be bothering me and can't talk to anyone about#because everyone just thinks I'm weird and brushes me off. so despite knowing better i try to talk to my mom about.#she brushes me off and acts like I'm weird and is like well I'm tired lol goodnight#like I'm sobbing on the phone to you and your my mom....... even if you don't feel like it's a big deal#it's something that's really bothering me. and i feel like you genuinely can't be arsed to say anything but stock#''that's just life'' quotes. like i know that that's why I'm in distres#and the stupid thing is she does this everytime i or my siblings are distressed but fuck i just really needed to talk to somebody#about how I'm feeling and just like every weak person i turned to my mom#i just wish i never said anything.#i know she's going to tell everyone i just i hate all of this and i hate i can't trust anybody to just let me be upset#sorry i didn't want to talk about fucking oatmeal and actually have issues i really need someone maybe MY MOM to just pat my back#being alive sucks so much how tf am i supposed to stay alive for the good things when i have nothing good of my own#i have nothing#not even parents and those come free with your fucking existence#btw I'm fucking stupid because she tells my aunt who thinks I'm a burden by being born every fucking thing because everytime i open up to#her i ''stress her out and she deserves to vent too''#i hate this existence
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You know. Maybe it should have been an indicator how this year was gonna go for me when not even an hour in my teacher delivered harrowing news to me and then every fucking good thing that happens now is getting served with a larger course meal of bs.
#yeah yeah its too soon to give up hope but im so tired dude#every step forward i get shots at my feet and i have to take several steps back#it cant help that i just cant talk i cant fucking talk or explain things in a good way#and then everyone starts hating me because i dont talk right enough for them and nobody fucking gets it. nobody understands me. it sucks.#and i keep thinking about it like. wow! maybe its not a joke anymore.#i dont think its a joke anymore. and who do i say anything to? my mom? she laughs at me.#my dad will put me in a hospital or call me just like my mom.#i dont know who i am anymore but i know whoever this is isnt enough#and people hate that version of me that i liked and now i dont know how to act anymore#i feel like if i step too far ill get shot#i just want to be wanted man#i wish i could be like phthalo.#people want him you know? he’s like the people’s person. everyones favorite little guy.#he’s friendly and silly and confident and sweet and he’s everything i’m not and yet hes so nice to me#hes the reason im still alive
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