#and i love the thought of helo trusting someone enough to do this and to see him like that.

[voidbeans]

hi guys i apologize in advance but if you will allow me to be unhinged about characters for a moment. i have some. thoughts. about -you guessed it- tactical officer lieutenant felix gaeta of the battlestar galactica. 

i just. the mutiny arc gets me on so many levels because. it’s not a villain arc. i’ve seen in called that, but i respectfully disagree. it is simply a decision made- quite tactically may i add - by someone who has had to beg lie and kill his way out of every level of hell and is trying to prevent further disaster and despair. no, it is not perfectly executed. yes, there probably could have been another way. 

and here’s the thing: i don’t think it’s about the cylons. yes, they are a part of it; this is a man who witnessed the shitshow that was new caprica firsthand after all. but i think beyond that it is largely about faith and trust. think about it. gaeta has served in the colonial fleet for seven years. he has believed in it, he has lost everything to it because he has given everything to it. and that’s why he’s doing this! he believes in the idea still, but he can’t say the same about the people anymore. he trusted in baltar’s campaign, but he saw that crumble to dust within an instant. he was in charge of all that, probably did more in the political department than baltar ever did. and they blamed it all on him in the end. just look at Collaborators. they all agree that it was him handling things. he carries the weight of that. he put faith and hope in his Eight, only to find out much later that she had betrayed him. and she blamed it on him. she blamed it on his oh-so-human trust, his hope and his love. 

and now we get to the final five. there was too much going on for the show to truly explore how members of the fleet felt about that reveal, but... it’s tigh, who felix has served under for years, who has been something of a constant, part of the leadership duo he has followed for so long. it’s sam, who... well, shot him. not much else to say there. but it’s also the chief, who cut him some slack and was kind to him when no one else was after new caprica. these are people he has known, cared about, and trusted. he wants to trust them. and they give the fleet earth! which turns out to be a nuclear wasteland where home should have been. EARTH. KILLED. DEE. and yes, he could just go back to trusting that the leadership will take care of it, that they will find a way, but... the president has basically gone missing in action, and is not acting herself. there doesn’t seem to be anything left to hope for. and felix... he can’t put that kind of trust in someone else anymore. not after everything it’s done to him. he has only one thing left to give to this cause: himself. he has to at least try. trust in himself for once. do something himself. he could never do enough before, but maybe, maybe this time... 

his biggest crime, in the eyes of others, was that he didn’t simply break and die. that’s not who he is. 

im just. im so. im absolutely devastated by his character arc. 

OH AND I CAN’T GET OVER THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT MUST HAVE DONE TO EVERYONE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM. like. adama and tigh both cared about him a lot (adama calling him a good kid and worrying that he’ll never see him again with the demetrius mission, the way tigh says ‘so who shot gaeta??’ with such genuine accusation, and tries to get him to get some proper sleep in face of the enemy). helo, who had such a lovely friendship with him. HOSHI. don’t get me started on hoshi. i might cry. 

[straycat-writes]

helo can i have some hc’s of dazai finding out his s/o is pregnant when she’s been tryna keep it a secret bc she didn’t know how he would react? pls n ty 💞 btw i love your writing sm i appreciate everything u do for us

[Aaaaa thank you so much 🥰 I know you said hcs but…well, I have nothing to say in my defense.]

We Always Do (Osamu Dazai)

Warning(s): None, really, but idk, this feels a little heavy…

You sat on the edge of the bathtub, elbows propped on your knees and hands holding your head. A shaky exhale escapes your lips as you stare unblinkingly at the pregnancy test lying on your lap. It showed two red lines.

What now? The small voice at the back of your head seemed to ask. You could feel the panic rising up in your throat like bile, as you thought of how Dazai might react. None of the scenarios that played out in your head ended good. You don’t blame him, honestly. You’re both young, and hadn’t even thought of having kids in the near future, if at all. And despite how much you loved him, you had to admit Dazai doesn’t really seem like someone who would be thrilled at the idea of being a father.

“Babe?” You hear him call out from outside the bathroom door, “You’ve been in there for quite a while now. Everything alright?”

“Y-yeah.” You manage to say, “I’ll be out in a minute.”

So, you got up, trying your best to suppress the urge to break down crying, and threw the test in the trash. For the time being, you decided, you would sweep the matter as well as your feelings under the metaphorical rug, and behave as if nothing happened. You washed your face and put on your best smile, before opening the door.

Dazai looked up from where he was lounging on the bed and blinked at you, “Is something wrong, sweetheart?”

“Not at all.” You smiled as you went to sit beside him.

He pulled you onto his lap and lightly kissed your cheek. “Are you sure? You look a little pale.”

You sighed and nuzzled further into him. You suddenly felt very cold and Dazai held such a familiar warmth, it almost made you cry. “…Don’t worry about it.”

Tired. You’re always so tired. You put your head down on your desk and close your eyes, all surrounding sounds from the office fading into blurry radio static. You didn’t know the fatigue would set in so quick.

“…/n)?…(Y/n)!”

You shot up straight in your chair and blinked disorientedly, only to see Yosano looking at you with concern, “Are you okay? You don’t look so well.”

You waved a hand and smiled faintly at her, “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

She gave you a skeptical look, “Maybe you should go home. Should I call Dazai?”

“No, no, I’ll find him myself.” You said as you get up, fighting another bout of lightheadedness.

Earlier that day, a client had come in with her toddler. As Kunikida and the president talked to her, Dazai had busied himself with the child, finding the toddler much more amusing than the case the mother presented. Seeing him in such good spirits, amusing both himself as well as the child, had given you some hope and you had thought maybe, just maybe, you could tell him and it won’t end in disaster. But as soon as the client had left with her kid, Dazai had flopped down on the couch, complaining about how kids are so much work and definitely ‘not his cup of tea’.

At the time, you could only sigh and agree with him, but you could feel your heart shattering in your chest, more than it already had.

You exchanged some words with Dazai when you found him, you don’t remember what, but he gave you worried look before taking you back home, to the apartment you shared. As soon as you set foot inside, you shook off Dazai’s hand from your waist, that had been keeping you steady until now and rushed inside as fast as you could, crashing into the bathroom. You barely made it to the toilet before you threw up, your stomach emptying itself of everything you had consumed since morning.

As you retched, you could feel Dazai rush in behind you. He crouched beside you and held back your hair, rubbing your back gently. After dry-heaving for a few more seconds, you slumped back, drawing up your knees and burying your face in them.

The two of you sat there in silence for a while, one of his arms draped on your shoulders, before you finally regained some semblance of your wits. You shook off his hand once more and got up, making your way to the sink to clean up. Dazai followed you.

“Belladonna…?”

Not trusting your voice, you ignored him as you finished cleaning up, lastly washing your face with water. You didn’t look at him as you turned around, you couldn’t bring yourself to, when you were barely preventing yourself from crying. What would you even say?

He caught you by the wrist, “We need to talk.”

Four words. That was all it took for you to break down then and there. Dazai pulled your crying and shaking form into his arms, and it was a good thing too, because otherwise you might have toppled over. Even as he gently stroked your hair, he didn’t say anything. Once he saw that you had quieted down enough to talk, he held you by the shoulders and looked at you, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

You took in a deep, shaky breath. Oh, well. You couldn’t have kept it from him forever, anyway. “I’m…pregnant.”

He let go of your shoulders as if he had been burned, face immediately going from concerned to blank. In the pin-drop silence that followed, his eyes remained fixed on you, but he didn’t really seem to be seeing you, or anything at all. And the longer he didn’t say anything, the further your heart sank.

“Dazai?” You say softly, cautiously touching his sleeve, “Say something, please.”

Your voice seemed to pull him back to reality and he blinked, before finally looking at you, for real this time. He raised a hand and you almost flinched back, screwing your eyes shut. But nothing happened. Only when you felt the back of his fingers lightly caress your cheek did you gingerly open your eyes.

There was hurt written all over Dazai’s face, and for a moment, you thought maybe this broke his heart more than it ever broke yours. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked softly.

“I was…scared.” You say, swallowing hard, “I didn’t know how you would take it, thought you would probably – “

“Leave you?”

Your breath hitched and you nodded. But try as you might, you still couldn’t read what he was feeling.

He sighed and pulled you closer to himself once more, resting his chin on top of your head. This is it, you thought, this is how we end. With a hug and a kiss.

“It’s okay.” He whispered, so softly that you didn’t catch it at first. Or maybe you did, but couldn’t believe it. How could it be okay?

But then he kissed your hair and said it louder, “It’s okay, belladonna. I’m not going anywhere.”

You pulled back from him a little and looked up at him with confused, red-rimmed eyes, “You’re…not?”

“I would never.” He shook his head, and you felt like bursting into tears once more.

You clutched the front of his coat to keep yourself steady, your grip so tight that your knuckles turned white, “Dazai…I – I don’t know what to do. I know you didn’t want a child. And – and – “

“Ssshh, it’s okay, it’s fine.” He said in a hushed, soothing tone, “It’s okay, don’t worry.”

You sighed shakily as you leaned into him once more, trying your hardest to make yourself believe him. Maybe it will be okay. You could feel his heartbeat where your face rested on his chest, steady like it always was., and you felt your resolve forming. It’s okay, we’ll figure it out. We always do.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Overhaul and reader from 1-A (part 2)

I FUCKING TOLD YOU ALL I WAS GOING TO OUT THIS IN HERE. TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED? HELL YEAH BUT IS HERE.

You played with the card in your fingers nervously as you numbly stared at it.

A loud bang on the door made you yelp and almost throw the card away.

"HEY FUCKING DUMBASS CLASS IS ABOUT TO FUCKING START GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!" Bakugou yelled from the other side as he banged furiously on your door.

"Geez Bakugou come on you sound like a police officer going to arrest (Y/N)!" Said Mina as she probably wss trying to stiffle her laughter.

"Come on bro mister Aizawa said only to call her, not to explode her door." Said Kirishima as he probably was trying his nmbest to calm the blonde down as you heard Kaminari and Sero laughter.

You stared at your door and giggled nervously before opening it, and just in time Bakugou mumbled a 'fucking finally' as he stormed his way out.

"What was that?" You asked looking at Mina who only smirked as Kirishima started to lead you to class.

"Mister Aizawa called us to bring you to him. Said he wanted to talk with you."

"Oooh! What have you done for that (Y/N)?" Asked Mina teasingly while you only rolled your eyes.

You looked at the watch and noticed it was already eleven p.m and you wondered how your tired teacher was still up...

Fucking insonia (Y/N)

But then your heart seemed to stop along with your whole blood system at remembering his voice echoing in the back of your head.

You only had one hour to contact them...

"A-ah... actually I need to... u-uh..." you twirled around, which made the baku squad look at you in wonder.

"I-I need to call my... m-my parents! They said they were worried about me sleeping on the school grounds, so c-can you please tell Aizawa-sensei if I can talk with him tommorow instead?" They looked at you before changing glances at each other, finally they smiled, showing their understatement.

You thanked them and runned to your room, locking the door as you desperately picked your phone and tiped the numbers with trembling fingers.

The phone ranged for a few seconds and you felt a knot forming in your throat when someone finally picked up, a raspy voice.

"What's your deal?"

"I-I-I... U-uh..." what was his name again?

"Are you fucking joking? Whoever is the little punk calling to make a prank I WiLL KiLL IT For MakiNg JoKes On ThE YakUsa-!" You flinched at the shout coming from your phone as you putted away from your ear's sake.

"I-I-! Sorry! Sorry! It just that s-someone gave me this phone a-and he asked for me to call it since he was the boss o-or something! O-Overhaul I-I guess? I'm sorry!"

The voice quieted down as he calmly asked for you to wait a moment.

What a sudden change of humor...

"Why, isn't this interesting?" The familiar voice spoked through the call, which made you shiver at hearing the stranger vouce again and so close to your ear.

"You let for calling me on the last minute." He paused, emiting a sound that reminded you of a scoff "Not very much pontual, right? We will need to correct that..."

"I-I didn't even say what is my decision." You spoke while rubbing your sweaty palms on your bed.

"Is that so? You have literally 15 minutes to tell me dear student." The voice spoked in false amusement.

Your silence was a signal for him to start making what he did best.

Manipulating.

"Aren't you tired of this? Being classified by numbers and strenght of your quirks between, dare I say, colleagues? And imagine if you do end up as a hero. Everyone who you study with will challenge and compete against each other to surpass the tittle of being number one or to at least have a good ranking..."

You thought for a moment... he wasn't lying, how many times did you caught Bakugou fighting with Midoriya about being better than him?

"Judging by your silence I was correct." He sounded even pleased at his accomplishment.

"You're quite the smug type aren't you Overhaul?" You said, sounding a bit more irritated then pretended.

"And you are quite the interrogator one in here..." he said in mockness.

"Seriously, there's so many people you can try to recruit, why a student of a hero course even caught your attention? Aren't you a villain?"

"Are you deaf by any chance? Or just has a serious problem on your earring?" He sighed, clearly already not with just as much pacience he had before "I saw this ridiculous sport festival in your sick school, and saw the potential you carry. Why put yourself under trash when you can be under someone who is looking for a cure for this sick world filled with the hero syndrome? Let me be your leader and tutor, and I can show you how explendid and valuable you can be for the yakusa."

Silence between you two was implanted, although you could feel the beating of your heart pouding in your ears.

"And if I say n-no?"

"Ever heard of what the yakusa is capable of? We have our own methods to get what we desire... And I'm sure you wouldn't want any of your close friends or even family to get hurt now would you?"

You froze, how can this man be so cruel..?

"Not to sound too annoying and rude now, but you have only one minute to tell me your answer U.A student... your time is ticking."

"W-What?!"

"Ah. Actually, you have now ten seconds before I send my subordinates to take care of your loved ones. Ten."

"N-No wait! Please!"

"Nine."

"Please don't do this!"

"Eight. Seven."

"You can't be serious please! They don't have anything with this!"

"Six. Five. Four..."

"Overhaul!"

"Three. Two..."

"OK I WILL JOIN YOU JUST OLEASE DONT DO THIS!" you cried, gripping tightly on your cellphone as your tears fell on the sheets of your bed.

"Wonderful. Tommorow some papers will be delivered at your dorm. You will get out of U.A and follow a man called Chronostasis. He will lead you to where you will be living now."

You hummed, still trying to contain your sobs

Why you of all people..?

"Pleasure doing bussines with you (Y/N). I look forward to see you tomorrow pn the evening." He said coldly before finishing the call.

You layed on your stomach, crying your eyes out in your pillow, dreading the way your life would drastically change after tommorow.

~

"WHAT?! WHY?!" The deku squad yelled, except Todoroki who only carried a woried look, after you delivered the news of you changing suddenly the school.

"M-My parents asked me to do it.. Not enough money in my house so I will have to helo them..."

Ochaco seemed even more hurt at these words, as she bringed you to a crushing hug, accidentally using her quirk on you and making you float a little.

"(Y/N)-chan! Please let us talk with them!" Said Midoriya, bot even a bit shy but instead with confidence and determination on his eyes "I'm sure if we talk to them they will see how this is inportant for you!" Tsuyu nodded with a 'kero'at the green haired boy words.

"Yes, I'm sure they would understand. You worked hard to be on the hero course of U.A after all!" Iida said moving his hands dramatically.

"They don't have the right to order something like that." Said sternly Todoroki placing a hand on your shoulder bringing you down to the ground as Uraraka apologized.

"Guys... Thanks for this, but trust me, its for the be-"

"(Y/N)." Called a man with white hair and white hoddie aproaching.

"Chronostasis. Let's go." He whispered close to you, making you shiver in fear.

"(Y/N)-chan? Who is that?" Midoriya approached, placing a protective hand on your shoulder as he stared up at the unknown man.

Chrono merely glared down at the green boy as he lied.

"Not that it is your bussines anyway. But I'm their sibbling. Now, dont you all have classes to go or something?"

"(Y/N) is that true?" Asked Uraraka worriedly as Iida mention to her as if making the same question.

"You never told us you had a older brother." Todoroki murmured.

"Personal life out of the school, congrats for only noticing that now. Now let's go." Said clearly irritated Chrono as you sighed sadly and sayed your good byes to them.

Midoya continue to stare thhe pare until they left the school grounds and left the gates with a sick feeling on his stomach.

Something wasn't right...

~

You got out of the car and nervously followed the man through the house.

"Made a good job on not giving them much information. Overhaul will appreciate that." The man said oppening one door for you to enter.

You took a couple of steps and your heart seemed to have vrashed in a billions pisses as your soul threatened to leave your body in fear as you saw the man which you were fearing ever since the moment you locked gazes with him.

"Glad to see you again... my protege." Said coldly Overhaul, sitting in his couch, motioning for you to sit in front of him and a table where it was leaved a white plague mask.

"Welcome to the Shie Hassaikai."

It took me three days... FINALLY HERE.

[forevermyalwaysphff]

Chapter 8

A/N: Well you asked for it and now you get it! Here is the next chapter for your lovely people!

“Unc Harry!” George hollered Harry’s name and came running towards me. “Swing in the air!” Harry bent down and threw George up in the arm catching the small prince in his arms. Grasping his body Harry angled little George like he was an airplane and ran through Will and Kate’s apartment while the prince giggled and squealed in delight.

Kate laughed at the two playing with one another while she prepared a dinner for her little family and her brother in law. Harry was down on his knees playing with his young nephew and listening to George ramble on. The young prince had recently started to really talk and now wanted to talk all the time even if it was a bit hard to understand him at times.

“Unc Harry helo copper?” George smiled up at his uncle while lifting up a toy helicopter Harry had bought George as a present.

“Yes, your uncle Harry wants to fly a helicopter.” Harry always had a inner kid side to himself and he loved to spend time with his nephew. He had arrived back from base earlier that morning and attended an engagement with his brother for William’s conservation charity, Tusk Trust. William insisted that Harry come over for dinner that night to catch up and spend time with his nephew George.

Harry accepted without another thought having known that Alexa was busy volunteering with SORRT (Street Out Reach Response Team) that night, a community out reach team that targeted high-risk areas with homeless teenagers and children working along side the London Police. Their aim was to build up community relations and give support to homeless teens such as ensuring they had a safe place to stay off the streets and access to health and education services as well. He had to have a distraction knowing that Alexa was out on the streets of London in a few rough areas of London into the late hours of the night.

“How has flight school been treating you, Harry?” Catherine asked her brother in law that was still crouched down on the floor playing with George. A welcomed distraction for the toddler as his mother was able to cook dinner without interruption.

“Oh you know Kate. Busy, hard.” Harry shrugged. “Exams are the worst bit of the lot, but once I get up flying it’s all worth it.”

“I bet.” Kate smiled making brief eye contact with Harry. “All the hard work will be worth it in the end. I know we cannot wait to be there supporting you when you get your wings.” George stood up and ran over to his toy box to search for a new shiny toy to play with uncle Harry.

“You know I went to a domestic and sexual violence woman’s shelter a few weeks ago.” Kate began to speak. “I met someone who was at Eugenie’s engagement party… an Alexa? She is a social worker at the shelter, Guardian, the charity I am considering becoming patron of.”

Harry’s eyes snapped towards Kate who was already suspiciously eying the prince. “I remember seeing you two talking at the party…” Kate tried to get anything out of her brother in law who sat on the ground silently staring up at her.

“Yeah, I remember her. We talked a bit.” Harry nonchalantly answered; not wanting to give Kate any further hints that he was indeed seeing Alexa privately.

“She was so passionate about her work and gave such an insightful tour of the place. You could really tell how smart she is and how much she adores working with such vulnerable people there.” Kate tossed the salad together. “It seems like a good fit to me. I really want to become patron of Guardian.”

“Then I am sure they would be delighted to have you as patron, Kate.” Harry smiled before George came and plopped down on his knee and held up a book. “Story? Read?” His big eyes stared up at his uncle.

“Ok, George. We only have a few minutes until we eat.” Harry dived into the book.

A few minutes later William emerged from his office and walked down the hall towards the sound of Harry’s voice as his younger brother changed his voice to fit the characters of the book he was reading to George. William smiled wide hearing George’s little laugh. He was grateful that his brother had a relationship with his son. George often asked for uncle Harry to read him a story at night, his parents simply could not imitate the characters in such silly voices as his uncle.

William sauntered over to his wife who was almost done preparing the dinner. He placed a hand on her lower back and rubbed it gently. “Sorry, love. I had a call to attend to.” The prince leaned in and smelled the aroma of marinated greek chicken, one of his favourite dishes that Kate made. “Smells delicious! Is there anything I can help with while Harry has George distracted.” William chuckled as he glanced over seeing Harry toss George over his shoulder upside down and carry him around the room.

“Everything is nearly ready.” Kate stepped in closer to William and glanced up at her husband wanting to have a quiet conversation for just the two of them. “Do you think Harry is seeing someone?” Kate watched William’s eyes turn and watch his little brother closer as he thought of an answer. “He comes back to London way more now and he seems happier.”

William nodded with a knowing smile. “Well, Harry will tell us in his own time if he wants too. Let’s not put more pressure on him as curious as I am to find out and get more ammo to toy with him.”

“All I am saying is I think I am right, William.” Kate winked at her husband before calling Harry and George for dinner.

“You always are my dear.”

“Do you want to wear these heels tonight? With that dress you will be a total knock out!” Eugenie handed Alexa a pair of strappy black heels that would go perfectly with her deep green halter dress that had a keyhole slit in the front. A group of their friends were going out on a night of clubbing in London and Harry along with a few of his friends were going to join them.

To say that Alexa was nervous was an understatement. The other night, their date ended in a hot and steamy make out session and Alexa was not entirely sure she would be able to act like nothing was going on between Harry and her. They had spoken on the phone the night before and knew that they would be in public and potentially photographed and thought it was best to be friendly instead of acting like they were dating on the off chance they were photographed together.

“Yeah I will wear them!” Alexa slipped them on and twirled around in front of the mirror.

Alexa’s phone buzzed as it received a message from Harry. “Uh, do you mind if Harry comes over for a few minutes before we leave?” She tried to coyly ask, not wanting to make a big deal of it.

Eugenie looked away from her mirror for a second and winked at Alexa. “So you two can get the snogging out of the way tonight?”

Alexa nodded while biting down on her lower lip. “Maybe… It’s going to be hard enough tonight.”

“Yeah. I have a guest room if you need to have a quickie too.” Eugenie tossed her head back laughing knowing very well that her comment would tease Alexa.

“Oh shove it!” Alexa snapped back and slipped on the other heel waiting for Harry to arrive. She could hear Jack’s voice saying Harry’s name as she walked out of Eugenie’s room to see Harry standing with Jack at the entrance.

“How you doing mate?” Harry asked Jack as they dived into a little small talk. Hearing heels click across the flooring Harry’s eyes followed the sound seeing Alexa walking towards him looking sexier than ever. “Damn….” Harry muttered loud enough for Jack to hear.

“Well, uh, good luck keeping your hands off Alexa tonight.” Jack patted the prince’s back and walked away to leave them in peace as he passed by Alexa. “Hi, Alexa.”

“Hi, Jack.” She smiled at him and continued to walk over to Harry.

“Hi…” Alexa smiled at the prince as she shyly glanced away after seeing how Harry was staring at her checking out.

“Hello… there.” Harry took Alexa in as his eyes roved over her body. The blonde stepped closer into him making her body flush up against Harry’s. “You look gorgeous, like always.” The prince flirted with a tilted head while a cheeky grin formed on his lips seeing how Alexa immediately blushed and became shy.

“Thanks.” She mumbled while twirling her blonde hair with her fingertips.

“Honestly do not know how I am going to be able to keep my hands let alone my eyes off of you tonight. If that is not the definition of Mission Impossible then I don’t know what is!” Harry could sense the nerves seething from Alexa about tonight. His hand found her hip and pulled Alexa closer to him allowing him to lean in and kiss her temple softly. “You ok? You are awfully quiet.” The prince noted.

Alexa lifted her head to look up into Harry’s blue eyes. “I am a little nervous about tonight…” She admitted to the prince. “I am so happy we get to see each other again, but I kind of only want to spend it with you and not all the prying eyes that follow you.” Alexa half smiled. “I have to be careful around you.”

“You are scared of people finding out that we are seeing each other?” Harry spoke exactly what Alexa was trying to say.

“Would you be upset with me if I said that I was?” Alexa searched his eyes for any hint of an answer.

“Not at all.” Harry breathed out. “I feel the same way, Alexa. It’s not that I don’t want them to know, now just isn’t the time while we are still figuring things out between us.” He wrapped his arms around her and rested them on her lower back. “The last thing I want is to put more strain on you by… outside pressures.” Harry subtly hinted at the real issue. “Believe me you don’t need that right now, we don’t need that right now in our relationship.”

“I understand that, but that does not make things any easier.” Alexa nodded slowly and sighed a breath of relief knowing that they were on the same page. But, that did not entirely calm her nerves of having to be so close to Harry yet not being able to be more than friendly with him.

“Now, I came here to get a kiss before we leave so…” Harry flashed a smirk before tilting his down towards Alexa’s waiting lips. He had been waiting for what seemed like forever to capture her soft lips against his own. Alexa snaked her arm around his neck and pulled him down harder on top of her, eagerly wanting more and in the process bit down a little on his bottom lip.

“Easy babe.” Harry giggled while taking in a breath. His tongue stretched out and gently asked permission to enter. A light gasp gave him the perfect chance to explore Alexa’s mouth further. The two of them were completely unaware of their surroundings as they continued to make out getting in as much time as they could before having to leave and behave for the rest of the night.

“You two done yet?” Eugenie’s heels clicked across the floor from behind them and caught them mid kiss.

Alexa’s lips flew off of Harry’s before he even had a chance to convince her to keep kissing him. An embarrassed Alexa buried her head in Harry’s chest to avoid looking at her best friend and the cousin of the man she just locked lips with. Harry was grinning from ear to ear as his eyes landed on Eugenie who was rolling her eyes back at him.

“No we actually weren’t, but thanks to you Eugenie I have no choice not to be.” Harry bantered back with his younger cousin. He heard Alexa release a light gasp and swatted his abdomen playfully at Harry’s remark to Eugenie.

“Be nice.” Alexa scolded him before turning around to face her friend who was already displaying a raised eyebrow at Alexa.

“Ready to go?” Eugenie’s lips upturned into a smirk and then zoned into a mark on the side of Alexa’s neck she must have missed earlier. “Oh my god!” She stepped forward to Alexa and moved her hair further to the side to confirm her suspicions before turning to glare up at Harry. “Did you just give her a hickey?!”

“No that was a few days ago when were making out in my backseat.” Harry saw the color leave Alexa’s face as her head slowly turned and shake her head at his response with a disappointed look.

“Really?! Harry?” Alexa could not believe that Harry said that to Eugenie. “You know what, I am ready to leave right now. Will see you at the club or don’t show up, I don’t really care at this point.” Alexa was not thrilled at how Harry had just acted in front of her best friend. “If you do, leave your attitude behind. It’s not appreciated.”  

Harry looked towards Eugenie and saw the dreaded look she was giving indicating that he had definitely put his big foot in his mouth and was indeed in trouble. “Alexa, wait.” He reached out to grab her wrist, but she walked right by him and out the door without a second glance.

“Good job, Harry.” Eugenie patted his arm before walking out behind Alexa.

Alexa kept glancing towards the stairs that led up to the private area of the club as if she was waiting for someone to come in, well hoping in particular a certain someone would. Despite their little spat at Eugenie’s, Alexa still wanted to spend time with Harry. A little nudge from beside her broke her concentration.

She looked beside her at Eugenie and leaned in to hear her speak. “He will show up, don’t worry.” Eugenie nodded while staring into Alexa’s green eyes. Grabbing her drink she downed it needing more liquid courage.

As if right on cue, in walked Harry up the steps tagged along by a few of his friends. His eyes landed on Alexa, but he quickly looked away and headed straight for the bar as if he was ignoring her intentionally. Alexa breathed out feeling her anger return from earlier in the night. She was upset at how Harry handled the situation in how he took things a bit too far and was using their private moment together as a dig against her best friend. Knowing it was probably best that she had not walked out and left him there, but she simply could not bear to talk with Harry after how awfully he embarrassed her.

Alexa engaged in the conversation that was being held around the table as the drinks kept flowing. If Harry was going to ignore her, then Alexa would do the same to him. She listened to one of Eugenie’s friends talk about her holiday she had recently returned from as she told a probably far-fetched story about it. But, no matter how hard she tried to focus on the woman’s words, her mind kept drifting away and thinking of Harry.

Out of the corner of her eye, Alexa could see Harry approach with his mates. She tossed her head back in laughter pretending to not even notice his existence. Harry sat down directly across from her proving Alexa’s plan to be more difficult than she anticipated.

Harry took a sip of his drink and stared right at Alexa as she attempted to remain coy and do everything in her power to not even give him a glance. The prince smiled watching Alexa clearly ignore him, but his eyes lingered on her waiting for the moment she would slip up.

Alexa’s breath quickened feeling Harry’s blue-eyed gaze on her. There was no way Alexa was going to give him what he wanted. She forced a smile and leaned into Eugenie and whispered something in her. “I want to dance, come with me?” Eugenie kept eye contact with Harry the whole time Alexa spoke into her ear.

Eugenie glared narrowly at her ginger cousin before nodding her head in response to Alexa’s question. Harry watched Alexa and Eugenie leave the booth giving him a good glimpse of the back of Alexa’s dress that exposed most of her back. The blonde did not even look at the prince giving him no time of day.

He simply shook his head and took a big drink of his beer and saw Jack staring at him over the brim of his glass with crossed arms. “What?” Harry mouthed to him.

“Fix it.” Jack mouthed back as the two held a silent conversation across the table. Jack was now becoming pissed that Harry had dragged Eugenie into the matter.

“Hey, that girl is definitely checking you out.” Harry’s friend Adam leaned in and yelled above the music into the prince’s ear. His eyes lined up with Adam’s view as they landed upon a blonde that was eying up the prince, being flirtatious with her eyes. Harry could not help but check her out seeing the skimpy dress she wore that left literally nothing to the imagination. She would not put up a fight like Alexa. Harry thought to himself.

“Go get her a drink.” Adam egged the prince on. “Or I will.” He teased Harry. The prince made Adam move so he could get out of the booth and go talk to the woman. Harry first headed over to the bar to grab a few drinks needing a moment longer to think things over.

Normally, Harry would have been happy to flirt with that woman, but there was something inside of him that made the prince feel an insurmountable level of guilt building from within. He leaned up against the counter of the bar while waiting for his drinks. His eyes happened to look towards the dance floor and caught a glimpse of a blonde woman in a classy, but sexy dress dancing without a care in the world.

That woman was Alexa.

The only woman he wanted tonight.

Harry received his drink order from the bar tender, but he just stood there watching her from afar completely forgetting about the other woman. That pang of guilt was there because of the feelings he had started to form with Alexa and the consumed alcohol momentarily formed a lapse of judgment in the prince. If he truly wanted to hurt Alexa he would go over and flirt with that woman, but he simply could not. He did not want that, he wanted to be there dancing beside her.

His eyes remained glued to Alexa watching her body dance to the beat of the music. His lips spread into a smile seeing her twirl around in a silly manner and dissolve into a fit of laughter without a care in the world. A man came up from behind Alexa and put his hands on her swaying hips. She quickly turned around and pushed him off of her and held her hand out indicating not to come close to her. Harry gritted his teeth together with a tightly clenched jaw seeing it all unfold in front of him.

Alexa turned back around starting to dance again, but the man was simply not taking no for an answer and this time aggressively grinded up against Alexa’s backside. Harry sat his drink down hard and hastily flew down the steps towards Alexa to confront the man that she was yet again pushing herself away from.

Alexa’s POV

“Get your hands off of me!” Alexa yelled and tried to push her body off of the man who tried to tempted fate again and grinded up behind her. He grabbed her wrist and creepily smiled at her.

“You have a great ass… let me feel it.” He tugged on Alexa’s wrist to make her turn, but she fought back.

“I suggest you let go of her right now.” Alexa’s head snapped up hearing a familiar voice come to her rescue. Harry had stepped in between Alexa and the man to prevent him from doing anything else to her.  Alexa looked up at Harry to see his jaw tightly clenched with an anger plastered on his face that even frightened Alexa to her core. She had never seen this side of Harry before.

“What? Is she your girl?” The man still was not letting Alexa go as he tugged her wrist harder making Alexa slam into Harry’s side.

“Yes and I won’t be as polite the next time I speak.” Harry spat out.

Eugenie had now stopped dancing wondering why her cousin was beside Alexa and could now see the situation unfolding in front of her. She knew how protective Harry could get sometimes and this was not going to end well.

“I said. Let. Go.” The prince challenged the man as they silently glared into each other’s eyes, neither one backing down without a fight.

“Fine.” The man dramatically let her wrist go as Alexa pulled it close into her body. “You better keep that hot ass out of her then, next time she won’t be as lucky to have you.” The man warned the prince before turning to walk away.

Harry practically lunged forward at him and grabbed his shoulder spinning the man back around. Alexa ran forward and put herself between Harry and the idiot that was about to get his face smashed in by Harry. Placing both her hands on the prince’s chest she tried to push his sturdy body back, but he was too strong for Alexa.

“Harry. It’s not worth it.” She begged him not to start a fight here. His eyes were glued at the man, throwing daggers at him. If Harry did not stop this behaviour soon he would draw a crowd and bring to life both of their fears.

Alexa gave Harry a hard shove on his chest, but still could not make him back away until a small hand reached down and grabbed his. She did not want to have such contact not wanting to give any hint that they were an item, but Alexa had no choice.

“Please don’t make a scene.” Alexa’s soft voiced caused Harry to look away from the man down to her pleading green eyes. Her hand wrapped around his and gave it a small squeeze. “Please… do it for me.”

Harry could feel her hand trembling while grasping his hand in an attempt to calm him. “I am fine…” Alexa continued to beg him to stop and let it go which was completely out of character for the prince not to stand up for someone he cared about.

“Get the hell out of here.” He told the man who practically ran away from them. Alexa immediately dropped his hand and turned away from the prince walking away towards the ladies room and pushed the door open. She needed a few minutes alone to calm down.

Not even less than a minute, Alexa heard gasps fill the bathroom. Her eyes looked up in the mirror to see Harry’s reflection a few feet away from her.

“Sorry, can I have a minute?” He asked the ladies around the bathroom who cleared out quickly leaving the two of them alone. Harry stepped away for a second and ran to lock anyone else out. He had to admit, it was not his most genius idea.

Alexa was standing looking at her reflection in the mirror with her arms crossed. “So much for subtle, Harry. Real fucking subtle.” She could not even bare to look at him.

“Fuck, I know.” He laughed nervously and then apologized for swearing. “Sorry I have had a few.”

Alexa turned to face the prince with a less than impressed expression and sighed. “I don’t like what you did out there. You put us –”

“His hands were all over you! I saw it all!” Harry tried to defend his actions while closing in the distance between them. “You pushed him away and he came back for more and well he got more… well not exactly the kind of ‘more’ he was thinking of.” Harry started to laugh, but shut that down quickly as his eyes made contact with Alexa who stood there still unimpressed with him.

“I do not need you defending me. I am perfectly capable taking care of myself!” She raised her voice at him. “I don’t need you to be -”

“Oh ya, Alexa?” Harry interrupted and mocked the blonde. “You had everything perfectly in control before I stepped, didn’t you?” His voice rose an octave.

“Yes! I could have handled it, but you jumped right in to be the hero and save the damsel in distress!” Alexa swayed back and forth speaking in a low manly tone while mocking the prince in return. “I am NOT your damsel, Harry! I am not even your girlfriend! You cannot lose it on a guy like that, what if you had hit him?! What then?” She was trying to get the prince to see why his behaviour was irrational.

“Jesus fuck!” Harry ran his fingers through his hair. “Why are you being so difficult tonight?!” He shook his head and ran his hands down his face. “Why can’t you just be-”

“Difficult?” Alexa stepped forward. “That’s what you think?” Tilting her head, Alexa’s eyes narrowed at the prince shooting daggers through him. “Me getting upset that you practically told my best friend… your cousin….” She emphasized before continuing. “That you were making out with me and bit my neck in the back seat of your car and then told the world?! And thoroughly embarrassed me in front of her.”

“Well, it happened didn’t it?” Harry tossed his arms up in the air. He did not see what the big issue was.

“Yeah it did, but… you were an arse about it.” Alexa grew quiet averting her gaze away from the prince. “I could have handled it myself tonight…” She was slowly starting to see Harry’s side of things as her soft voice gave way. “You did not seem to give a damn about me a few minutes before that anyway! Why did you care then?”

Harry took in a couple deep breaths in an attempt to calm him down. Fighting with Alexa was the last thing Harry wanted to do tonight. He closed in the space between them and wrapped his arms around Alexa. The blonde hesitated for a minute before welcoming his embrace and leaned into the comforts of his chest.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you and I know you can handle yourself.” He breathed in her sweet scent. “But you should not have too with me.” Harry let the words sink in before continuing. “I know I over stepped with Eugenie and embarrassed you. For that I apologize, but, I will not for trying to ensure your safety.”

She picked her head up off his chest and held his gaze hostage for a quiet minute. “But, we are only dating… I am not your girl, Harry.” Alexa breathed out. “I did not want you making a scene and getting in trouble over me.” Alexa confessed quietly.

“I may have taken it a little too far…” Harry slowly spoke as if he was trying to convince himself of the same thing. “But, he was all over you and you clearly did not want him to be, regardless who you are to me I would have stepped in.”

“You are right.” Alexa nodded. “Let’s stop this, please.” She started to rub Harry’s back seeing that look of anger growing on his face. “Thank you for stepping in for me, Harry.”

“No need to thank me.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I just want to get out of here now.”

“Let’s stay for a little while longer and have a good time. You need to have a little fun and de-stress a bit.” Alexa stood on her tippy toes and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Ok. Ok.” Harry agreed to staying with Alexa a while longer. “How the hell am I going to get out of here… and you out of here without people knowing who I was talking too.”

Alexa pursed her lips together and scanned the room. An adorable expression lit up her face as she came up with a brilliant idea. “I will hide in one of the stalls and wait a while. Once people come in, they won’t know who.”

“Not only are you beautiful, but you are also a genius.” Harry giggled seeing the expression on Alexa’s face of her plan.

“Ok, go now!” Alexa backed away from him and motioned for him to leave as she stepped into a stall and closed the door.

Harry unlocked the door knowing that there would be a line up waiting outside. He put on a brave face and opened the door. “Sorry ladies, it’s all free now.” The prince speedily walked away as fast as he could before anyone could determine who he was.

Making it back to the private area, he scooted into the booth where all of his friends were waiting including a nosy Eugenie. “Where the fuck were you? Where is Alexa?” She immediately interrogated him.

“She’s coming. What has she been drinking tonight? I am gonna get her a few before she comes back.” Harry practically had to pry the information out of a stubborn Eugenie who was still apparently angry with Harry.

“Vodka cranberry with club soda.” Eugenie told the prince through a clenched jaw.

A few moments later Alexa emerged from the ladies room and had cleverly disguised her identity as the woman Harry had been talking too. Her heels clicked up the steps toward the private area of the club to find her friends waiting for her.

Two of Eugenie’s friends were headed back to the dance floor. “Alexa! Come dance with us!” They tried to pull her away, but said she would sit this round out.

She scanned the table and Harry was no where to be found until he suddenly appeared at her side carrying a drink from the bar for her back with him. “Oh hi! Is this for me?!” Alexa thanked the prince before sitting down next to Harry’s friend Adam.

“Well, hello.” Adam flirted with the blonde the second she sat down. “I’m Adam.”

“Alexa.” She shook his hand politely and took a sip of her drink.

“Did you steal my mate away from me?” Adam whispered into her ear and caught Harry’s stare.

“It was not that long was it? I am sure you survived just fine.” Alexa giggled. “Besides, he helped me get rid of a handsy guy.” She leaned back in her seat and shared a look with the prince.

“He’s always the protective one.” Adam shouted loud enough for Harry to hear him. “Especially over smoking hot woman like yourself.” Harry’s eyes glared at Adam, sharing a warning to back off of her.

The two of them sat beside one another for the rest of the night. Enjoying the company and the ever flowing drinks that came across their table. Every now and then, they would be able to share a stolen glance or a have a few minutes to talk before things would get too suspicious and they would dive back into the group conversation.

However, beneath the table their hands were intertwined, their fingers remained locked together while they laughed, drank and conversed with their friends. No one was able to see their subtle connection, but to them it felt like they were connected to one another.

Alexa blinked her heavy eyelids and was feeling the effects of all the alcohol she managed to consume. She squeezed the prince’s hand and he immediately locked eyes with Alexa. Her green eyes said it all, she wanted to go home but they would have to leave with Eugenie and Jack in case there were media waiting to capture the royal’s night out.

Alexa pulled out her phone and texted the princess who was sitting across the table from them asking if she was ready to leave. Within a few minutes, the princess replied and their group dispersed from the table.

“Hey, I am going to catch a ride back with Eugenie.” Harry leaned back into the booth the tell Adam that he was leaving. “See ya again mate.”

Adam winked at the prince noticing that Alexa was leaving with them too. “You two have fun now. You were not so coy as you two thought you were being.”

“Keep it between us.” Harry confirmed what Adam was thinking, but he was not going to deny one of his closets friend’s suspicions.

“Got it mate. See ya around ginge.” Adam waved goodbye to Harry and saw the blonde waiting for him. She offered a quick wave back before turning and walking out beside Harry.

They were fortunate that there had been no leaks that night and were able to swiftly leave out of the back entrance undetected with only a few drunken eyes laid on them. Harry and Alexa were able to climb into the back seat of a separate RPOs vehicle giving them a bit more time alone.

Alexa sat in the middle seat clasping Harry’s hand as she struggled to stay awake. Her head bobbed up and down as the prince teased Alexa before telling her to rest it on his shoulder. The plan was for Alexa to stay overnight at Eugenie’s in her spare room, but by the time they had arrived back at Kensington, Alexa was fast asleep beside the prince.

Harry unfastened her seatbelt and pulled her body to the edge of the car as he climbed out. The prince picked Alexa up bridal style and secured her as close to his body as possible. Eugenie stumbled ahead of the prince and started gushing at how cute it was seeing Harry carrying Alexa in his arms.

“I am going to take her to the cottage with me.” Harry was sure that Eugenie was in no state herself to make sure Alexa got into bed alright and he also had a few spare rooms himself.

“You better…” Eugenie slurred out trying to finish her sentence, but nearly fell into the gravel as Jack steadied her. “Behave.”

“I will make sure she is alright… in the spare room.” Harry ensured a drunken over protective Eugenie.

Harry turned back around and headed down another path towards Nottingham Cottage, his own private place on the Kensington grounds. Alexa moaned a little as her eyes fluttered open.

“Am I being carried?” She giggled uncontrollably.

“Yes, go back to sleep.” Harry laughed, but it only made Alexa pick her head up and look up at Harry.

“I really like your eyes you know.” Alexa’s glassy green eyes stared into his.

“I think I prefer yours, Alexa.” Harry had quite a few drinks himself, but could obviously control his liquor better than Alexa could. Alec was walking ahead of them and opened a small gate for the prince to shuffle through.

“No no, yours.” Alexa drifted back asleep in his arms.

Harry kicked open the spare room door and flicked on the light switch with his elbow. He gently set a sleeping Alexa down on top of the bed which made her eyes fly open for a brief second and then flutter softly as if she was trying to stay awake. The prince sat down on the edge of the bed and unfastened her heels, tossing them to the floor. He inched closer up into the bed and tucked the covers over top of Alexa, still in her green dress. Harry did not want to invade her privacy and try to take it off of her, so he felt it best to leave it on.

“Harry?” Alexa rolled onto her side. “Will you stay with me?” Her green eyes pleaded with him while he felt her soft hand clutch his loosely.

It took all of him in that moment to not give Alexa what she wanted having his own judgment impaired by a healthy level of intoxication. But, she was not in the right state of mind and was wrong for Harry to take advantage of her in that state.

“Not tonight.” He simply replied. “You are in my spare room and have the whole bed to yourself.” Harry giggled seeing the adorable smile turn the corners of her lips up.

“It’s so comfy and warm.” She wiggled her body into the soft fabric and closed her eyes, falling back asleep right in front of the prince.

Harry sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes longer to make sure Alexa was ok. He leaned in and placed his lips softly against her forehead and kissed her good night. Pushing himself off the bed, he walked out of the spare room and turned off the light, shutting the door behind him.

Feeling the same effects as Alexa, Harry had suddenly grown tired. Flopping down on top of his bed, the prince passed out into a deep slumber.

[tragedess-a]

POSITIVITY POST

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH        !        and i’ve been wanting to give you all some lovings   .    but rather than spam the dash with a thousand things here are shout outs to some people on this website who deserve so much happiness and joy okay ?    ( i’m sure this list won’t include everyone that it should but i’mma try .   )

@algaenotwar​ :   sofia you are the fucking sweetest bitch out there .   i forever admire your kindness and your dedication to monty .    i will gladly start a petition to take him away from jroth and give him to you .   you’re the only one i trust with him tbh .

@arcadicn​ :    i AM SO HEART EYES OVER ALL YOUR MUSES !    i’m so happy i found you again because i loved writing with you so much back in the day and i’m honestly so damn excited to get started again babe !

@azhefa​ :   len ,   i know you’re not on much anymore but i’ll always fucking love you and how beautifully you write every muse you’ve taken on .   i’m so proud to be your friend because you’re an amazing person and one i’ll always admire no matter if you’re on the dash or not .

@bartendertm​ :   i LOVE YOU AND CAMI SO MUCH .    i honestly want to get some stuff going with you so damn badly because your blog is so wonderful and you’re such a talented mun i don’t even know what to do with myself when i read your writing .    you deserve all the fucking best and so does cami bitch .

@bldreina​ :   mal you’re so fucking amazing .    you’re genuinely one of the sweetest people i know in the rpc .   from day one you’ve been so wonderful to me and i know i absolutely don’t deserve it .    i love you and i love your octavia and our little family 5ever thanks .

@bxar​ :   YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST POSITIVE AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE EVER .    i don’t know you well but you’re such a fucking light on the dash and i get so happy ever time i see your posts .

@cvckroach​ :   icb how in love clarke is with murphy it’s literally upsetting .   but beyond my obsession with our ship you capture murphy so fucking well it’s upsetting .    i love your writing and your graphics so damn much and you’re just so fun to talk to ooc .    you deserve a damn award for being the best .

@dyefirst​ :    moo you’re a damn angel and i hope you know it .    you have such range when it comes to your muses and you’re always creating some new wonderful dynamic to whoever you’re writing .    you are so fucking talented it knocks me on my ass every god damn day okay ?    from graphics to writing i’m heart eyes over every blog you have and clarke is heart eyes over wells forever .    ooc you’re also the fucking sweetest and most supportive and i will never not love you for that .

@gonatombom​ :   i’ve honestly missed writing with you a lot !    you’re so sweet and so fun to plot with  and i’ve always admited the time and effort you put into your muses .   you just get them so fucking well .

@groundrisen​ :    yOU are the sweetest fucking person and i love you and niylah more than words can describe .    honestly your dedication to your muse knocks me on my ass and i just want to get some things going with you because i’m so heart eyes it’s not even funny .

@harpermcintyrc​ : I MISS WRITING WITH YOU HOE !   you and harper are two of the sweetest beings i’ve ever known and it’s ridiculous how much i love you both .   you write her so god damn well it wrecks me and makes me just want to bow down to you tbh .   but also icb how much i ship harper with both echo and clarke because of you and i fucking love it  .    you’re a queen who honestly deserves all the best .

@heartfcund​ :    bitch i gave you a whole rant about how much i love you like three days ago but you’re my wife and the best k thanks bye . 

@mechabrat​ :   you’re a demon andrea but i fucking love you so much okay ?   every muse you take on you write so god damn well it makes me want to cry ?    you’re genuinely the best god damn person and you’re so generous and talented .    i’m beyond lucky to count you as one of my close friends and i’m never gonna forget that .    every ship we have makes my heart sing and honestly is it even one of our blogs if you and i don’t have a ship on it ?   i do have just one question though :  wHERE did you get your psd ????

@omousvarii​ :   listen no matter what damn blog you’re on kat ,   you deserve so much love ,    affection and praise .    i can’t believe how much you bring out my muse for clarke on our threads on bellamy .    they all just wreck me because damn we do angst well together and it makes me emo .    i can’t wait to learn more about grant so i can drag you into writing with me over there too because you’re so talented and wonderful i just want to do all the damn things with you . 

@panthae​ :   hi i love you and your clarke so much .    it’s so cool to see someone else talking about clarke’s darker sides and i’m so heart eyes over all the different things you’re doing with her ?    you honestly have such a unique style on all your blogs and i’m forever heart eyes .    you deserve all the best babes .

@phiinn​ :   gOD DAMN YOU KILL ME .    your writing is so breath taking babe and i can’t say that enough .    i know i’m the worst about responding but i love you and finn so much it’s genuinely upsetting to me .    you capture him so well and write in a way that wrenches my heart okay ?    you’re a badass and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise .

@pridefought​ :    we haven’t talked in a minute buT YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND YOUR MUSES .   i watch from afar as you rock the fuck out of every single one and i honestly admire your writing so damn much .    when it comes to zach he is honestly such a wonderful ship for clarke that i just didn’t see coming and we need to do more things with them asap thanks .

@protectecl​ :   my doTTIR !   listen you have made me so fucking happy since we started writing together and i can’t say that enough .    seriously .   you capture madi so well and clarke and i love you and her so damn much it’s ridiculous .   you’re my fave lil awkward taco .

@ragedrivn​ :   yOU ARE SO DAMN TALENTED AND WONDERFUL OKAY ?   we haven’t done much together but i admire you so much and that’s never gonna change .    you’re a light in the rpc and i’m just over here fangirling 24/7 it’s fine .

@rcbelking​ :   you’re such a sweetheart !    honestly we haven’t written in a minute but i love you and your bellamy a lot .    honestly you are so kind and talented and your love for bellamy and bellarke is so pure and wonderful .    and hozier.   how could i forget hozier ?

@selfavenged​ :   maya i’m so fucking glad you decided to come back to the rpc because you have so much damn talented and you bring every muse you write to life in ways i can’t even describe .    i’m so hyped to start writing with you again !

@soldiiermade​ :   karli ,   i know we have yet to write much on this blog bUT I NEEDED TO GIVE YOU A SHOUT OUT .    you have me more whipped for becho than i ever thought possible and i just love your writing so god damn much .   but more than that ,   you’re such a sweet person ooc and always supportive without dragging yourself into drama which i admire .    and you’re willing to let me go on my weird little rants and tangents which i appreciate so much .    you’re honestly the best babe .

@sytheheart​ :    HI YOU JUST DESERVE TO KNOW YOU AND QUINN GIVE ME LIFE AND I ADMIRE YOU EVERY GOD DAMN DAY .    your graphics are beautiful ,    your writing is breath taking and you and a person are the sweetest ever and deserve all the joy in the world .

@sythegun​ :    for someone who writes such a trash muse you are the best ever .    i call him trash only in the sense that he’s terrible ,    but you write him so damn well .    i’ve watched you progress so much as a writer in the time i’ve known you em and i’m over here admiring and cheering you on forever .    you’re so fucking talented and your style is so unique i love it .    plUS YOU’RE THE FUCKING SWEETEST and i’m a mess because of how wonderful you are .

@surviivorforged​ :   faiTH !   we haven’t talked much recently but i love you a lot okay ?   you’re such a wonderful soul and you honestly make me laugh so god damn much .    you and morgan are so cute when you’re together and you guys make me so damn happy .    but besides being cute you’re such a talented writer and you always blow me the fuck away with your murphy .    i fucking love it okay ?

@tetheredatlas​ :   HELLO i admire the fuck out of every muse you write every damn day .    you’re honestly so damn wonderful both as a writer and a mun that it just wrecks me ?    i’m honestly so excited to do more with dean and clarke and hopefully develop some other ships with you .

@waldenborn​ :   who the fuck gave you the right to be so talented lilly ?    it’s actually rude how much each of your muses capture my heart :   even the ones i don’t write with .    but the one i do write with   ( helo obvi )   owns my heart and clarke’s .    they’re such a wonderful ship and i alway enjoy doing things with them and with you so god damn much .    keep on rocking on my queen because i’m over here fan girling over you every damn second .

@wretchedatlas​ :    morgannnnnnnnnnn ,    i love you so much .   you’re such a sweet soul and you have so much to give to the world .   i seriously don’t know what the fuck i’d do without you because you’re the god damn best okay baby ?   ( and i’m not just being nice you hoe .    )   you’re so talented and strong and you deserve the god damn world and so much support and love honey .

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 99 Poll Results

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On the “awful” to “awesome” scale of 1-5, nearly 70% of respondents rated “Guilty Shadow” with a “5″, making it the highest rated chapter since we started polling. Well done, Isayama!

On that day, Marley received a grim reminder... this chapter woke up the obsessed snk fan in me, finally JESUS CHRIST

SNK has always been a wild ride, but I don't believe I've ever been this excited and frustrated that I don't have the next chapter in my hands RIGHT NOW- if only to satisfy the itch of knowing which half-hidden face is who from Paradis. And also to figure out what they've done to Porco, Pieck and Zeke to neutralize them while Eren gives Reiner the most uncomfortable tableside chat.

My heart was pounding throughout the entire chapter. The last time that happened was chapter 84 and I gotta say, I finally feel like this whole Marley arc has been worth it. What an adrenaline rush it's become! Now that's now Attack On Titan is supposed to be. I can't wait to see everybody else again and proceed to reach the climax of the story.

The hype for SNK 100 is too real. Everything will explode

I need Ch100 right now immediately. Waiting another month is going to be torture. In the meantime I hope Porco and Pieck enjoy their time in the pit. If it turns out that Helos is Levi I will eat my own platform boots

It was amazing. Really great story.

I'm so glad this chapter is fake and SnK ended last month with everyone having a huge pizza party!

....is it December yet?

  DID THIS CHAPTER SHOOK YOU? 1,711 Responses

To not be excited by this chapter was simply not an option, but I’ll assume that those who voted “Yes”  are slightly more subdued than the majority of us who shouted “AW YISS”.

omfg hype for next chapter!!! How does Eren not have a leg, it really should've grown back, this doesn't make sense. Why is he even there, I feel like I missed something but it's probably just this manga's bizarre structuring. I've been selling my soul the past few months. There is nothing more to sell.

Kill me now The hype is REAL. I had a feeling issue #100 would be THE BANGER. This issue (#99) however set the stage for the next one. We have potentially Connie and Jean going undercover, we have Willy's solution that is just about to be revealed, the Asian woman's sudden leave, etc. I am really excited to see what will happen next month. Just need to add: seeing Eren's hand cut to threaten Reiner and Falco was such a power move, I had chills all over.

Boy howdy this was crazy I'll tell you what

Holy crap I love isayama. What a genius!

God help me I cannot wait another month

Endgame right here, brothers.

#shooketh

  WHAT SIDE CHARACTER MOMENT DID YOU MOST APPRECIATE? 1,720 Responses

The giant red chunk that wins this question  is the “All of the Above” option with 26.4% of the vote. “Every character with a partially hidden face” was second with 23.8%. There was plenty of excitement around Trapdoor-kun. He came in third with close to 20% of the vote.

I hope the SnK world has a heaven or some shit, because then Bertolt can maybe be finally happy together with his dad at least ;-;

ANNIE IS ALIVE AND FREE CHAPTER 100 HYYYYYYPE

I love moment with Trapdoor-kun/Connie (I hope it's him). He promised Reiner in Utgard Castle that he'll return the favor and I want to see their reunited. Maybe Connie will save Gabi and the other kids in this shitstorm. Please Isayama! Connie needs his personal moment!

  ON THE SCALE FROM “FLUFFY KITTEN” TO “ACTUAL PENNYWISE”, HOW CREEPY WAS EREN IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,727 Responses

Eren’s creep factor was strong! More than 70% of us picked a 4 or 5 on the “Actual Pennywise” scale.

Eren is 100% savage. Damn I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't like him. His meddling works so well with his bitter ass and his sense of entitlement over making all these fuckers taking his freedom away disappear and get their comeuppance (read: the whole world). Fucking human worms.

Eren using Falco as a hostage makes me cry

Eren gave me fucking chills of fear

I'm loving this Eren alignment shift. Lawful Good boy is changing and I am HERE for this.

Eren's "Same reason as you" and "I don't have a choice" are the single most savage moment in the series.

I don't like Eren at all... Poor Reiner

Eren is frickin INSANE

  ON THE SCALE FROM 1 - 420/69, HOW MUCH DID EREN ACTIVATE YOUR HARDENING ABILITIES IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,713 Responses

The creep factor and hobo hair didn’t hurt Eren’s attractiveness for the majority of the fandom since 36.1% would love to be locked in the basement with him right now. The second most popular choice was the extreme opposite. 22.2% selected “ewww no” on the question about Eren’s attractiveness.

why did y'all have to write "Lock me in your basement, Hobo Daddy!"

Protect Reiner Braun You've made me have sexual thoughts about long haired Eren, damn you pollster!!!!

Eren made both my jaw and panties fall straight to the floor. It's finally getting somewhere.

my mom called eren hobo daddy o__O"

Eren being so chilled out and yet so chilling at the same time...how does one being so cold make the room seem a lot hotter than it actually is?!

I want to officially shame Eren for telling Mikasa to cut her hair during training and now he could model for   L'Oréal (I love his hair but he is a hypocrite)

EREN FUCKING JAEGER. I want to say he's cool... but I feel so strangely conflicted. I'm turned on by his loony face but at the same time fucking terrified that it's all going to crumble. He'd grown so much. I can't believe the kid that we used to adore has turned into such a beast.

eren would be a 4/5 if he shaved his facial hair imo

  WHAT WAS EREN’S MOST CHILLING MOMENT? 1,717 Responses

Again with the “All of the above” as top pick. The most popular write in was “Reiner. Sit”. We clearly made a mistake when we forgot to include that.

Reiner. Sit.

His eyes all the time, they're like windows to hell

Everything! Eren was so chilling and bad this chapter, I love love loved it!

The fact that he's still missing a leg, it should've grown back, does he just keep cutting it off?

Messing with the head of an already mentally unstable Reiner

Eren did not come to play. Cutting his hand was a power move and then when he said "same as you." I can't wait to see him transform into a Titan. Reiner wasn't ready for this. He looks like he's gonna pass out.

I never thought i needed psycho!eren and badass!eren in my life. But then i read this chapter and HOOOOOOLY SHIT!

  WHICH OF REINER’S TORTURED FACES WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 1,707 Responses

I’m borrowing a quote from a friend who said, “Reiner had enough panels of his sanity crumbling like pie crust to fill a photo album”. We thought so too and had a hard time limiting ourselves to just these six. The look of horror on page 20 was Reiner’s expression as Eren told him, “I’m the same as you. I didn’t have any other choice.” It was the winner with 44.5% of the voice.

Note to Isayama: If you want to torture a character, hands on the face is the way to go (even when those hands are strangely tiny.)

Don't freak out, Reiner, your buddy Eren has come to save the world just like you've always wanted.

I wonder how bad  will Reiner's strabismus be when Eren ultimately touchs the Bertolt and Annie subject.

Someone please protect Reiner D: (and maybe give him a hug)

ISAYAMA STAHP TORTURING REIGNER!

#stopreinerabuse2017 >:) 

Reiner is the true victim here man

If Reiner didn't have a drinking problem before he sure has one now

I really don't like seeing Reiner looking so scared... It makes me feel so bad and helpless because I can't do anything. ;-;

I’m expecting Reiner to go full insane next chapter. Seriously, he can only be pushed so far!

I absolutely love Reiner's suffering faces :D I also loved how shocked Falco was. I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen, that why Eren told him to stay. He wants to save his life. I only wonder what will happen with the other kids.

reiner has baby hands

  CAN YOU PINPOINT THE EXACT MOMENT FALCO’S HEART SHATTERED? 1,700 Responses

This was not a fun chapter for our poor little bean. There was no shortage of moments with him looking on with wide-eyed horror as the situation was unfolding.  His expression on page 35 was the landslide winner. It’s the moment Falco realized Eren must’ve met Reiner during his time on Paradis.

My boy Falco doesn't deserve this.

DONT HURT BABBY FALCO 

Calm the f down Eren! You’re scaring Falco!

Falco is too precious for this messed up world

  WHAT IS RANDO MCSOLDIER WHISPERING TO MADS? 1,709 Responses

We have a poll meme now and don’t think I wont use it! Thank you to the 29.1% of you for playing along. We were a close second. Thank you also to everyone who took the question seriously. One respondent suggested they might be whispering about the fact that all the warriors were missing. I love that thought.

Yes. There's sour cream in Marley.

For the question of what Rambo McSoldier whispered, I'm actually kinda wondering if he's whispering about someone being missing from the crowd. (I.e, Reiner.)

how much farther is my sour cream joke going to go

I do NOT trust Eren one bit and we still do NOT know if there's sour cream. Crazy stuff man.

This wasn't an option for the question about what the soldier was whispering to Mads, but I thought it had to do with that panel where the guy on the rooftop said to "report it" no matter how small it is. The Marley soldier was relaying that report, whatever it is.

The lack of concern over the disappearance of all the Warriors from the audience is alarming...unless it's part of their plan, which removing the fighters from the crowd sounds like something inline with what Paradis would be attempting if they're about to hijack the play.

  CHARACTER ALLEGIANCES! WHICH SIDE DO YOU THINK EACH PERSON IS ULTIMATELY SUPPORTING?

So much uncertainty here! We are truly divided over Willy, Zeke and Kiyomi’s loyalties.

I do not think that Zeke would be on Paradis side, he had that chance and discarded it as an idiot.

The Warhammer Titan seems to know so very much about Paradis and the truth (and Eren's name) that I think it's no coincidence he looks like an adult long hair Armin.

Willy was such a sweet pie in this chapter. I wish he joined the Team Paradise.

Why did the Asian lady wish Willy good luck and then immediatly got away from the play as fast as she could? The plot thickens...

Everyone need to calm tf down and stop being huge mega douchebags on the whole warriors vs paradis sides of the fandom Ima lose my goddamn mind let yams tell the fucking story. This fandom is killing me far more effectively than yams ever could, crying Reiner or no!

The Asian lady and the rest of the Azumabito definitely know something, as they didn’t stay for Willy’s play, and she said that “she hoped he’d play his role ‘safely’”

What is Willy's game? With so many important people there, it is setup for a massacre. But, why tell the truth beforehand? There is a part of me thinking that it is all a setup to Willy simply saying we're all going back to Paradis.

  WHAT ALLIANCE DO YOU THINK IS MOST LIKELY? 1,697 Responses

EZ and REZ feelz so strong! A sizable percentage think Kiyomi is also a part of the alliance.

I love/hate how much Isayama plays with us (?).. this is the worst who is with  who and why and when and how is it its 99 chapters and i am stiff as confused as when i watched the first anime chapter in 2013...

Yeah, I still believe in Reiner + Zeke + Eren alliance. Grim Reminder won't happen and I will be a happy, happy fan." İt's amazing!

I think Willy is working with Armin, whereas, Eren is working with Zeke. Isayama did say they were going to split.

I think Zeke is helping Eren for the time being but I also think it is only a temporary alliance. He will double-cross Paradis like he did the Restorationists and Marley before the end, and he will be a sizable end-game threat to both Paradis and Marley.

"Lady" Kiyomi of the Azmabito family seemed like she was teasing Willy before his performance, since he was so nervous. But then, she said "you're very brave. And you know our family very well", she seemed like she was threatening Willy

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE CRAZY EREN. I think he's gonna offer an alliance with Reiner so they can both save the Eldians. I hope the SC will appear next chapter!

I'm willing to bet 'The Owl' Eren knew Willy and the Asian chick when he was still living.

  WHY WERE PORCO AND PEICK SEPARATED? 1,715 Responses

62% believe Porco and Pieck were captured to keep them from meddling. An even larger majority believe Zeke was in on it. Hmmmm....

about porco and pieck. I think they will be locked somewhere. But not to take their titan. Well, it's good opportunity to take their titan but... who wants do that anyway? Jean, connie? I think not.

PLEASE SAVE PIECK

"We done fucked up" -peick and porco

My favourite panel is Pieck looking at 'springer, not a shower' whilst falling into the sin bin. Wow, she's perfect.

Porko remains oblivious

  WAS ZEKE PART OF THE PLOT TO SEPARATE PORCO AND PEICK? 1,701 Responses

That would be a solid “yes”.

Zeke does seem to comply with too much questionable activity to not be working secretly with someone. He doesn't question being separated from Pieck and Porco, he's the only one not facing the guard that summons them, he let - encouraged- Reiner to go with Falco right as the ceremony started, and the baseball mitt Eren had likely had something to do with him. The Zekeret is still a wild card though so it makes all this hard to pinpoint.

  WHO IS THE SOLDIER THAT TOSSED PORCO AND PIECK INTO THE BALL PIT? 1,691 Responses

Nearly 80% of the fandom thinks Connie is  parading around Marley as a very tall Marleyan soldier. The write in responses on this were insane!

A pikupork shipper

Hajime Isayama

The Plothelping Titan

If Pieck knows him, the most probable option is Connie, buuuut... Is he even taller than Porco? He used to be really short, has he grown up?

When I first read the chapter and found similiarities between Connie and the trap-kun soldier I was like "what the fuck?!" And than I thought Connie being that soldier would be absolutely LIT.

I don't think any of the background characters are people we know. We saw how Isayama does that with Amputee-Kun, he appeared several chapters before the official reveal and there was no doubt once it was done. Trapdoor-kun, Helos Cosplayer, anyone else? Nope. as expected of pieck, she figured out the soldier was an impostor

Personally I really hate how people are making these predictions and analyzing details like chin shape in attempt to recognize him. We simply do not see enough of his face to tell who it is so it's pointless that people are arguing about it so vehemently. It could be Connie. I could be Levi. It most definitely isn't Armin. It could be a whole lot of people but right now at least half of the people will be wrong about it so arguing is going to get us nowhere. End of rant.

Zofia from the future, who traveled through paths

  DID PIECK PASS A MESSAGE TO THE SOLDIER SHE HUGGED? 1,717 Responses

Yes. As expected.    WHO IS THE HELOS COSPLAYER? 1,703 Responses

Jean trounced this poll question with 64.4% of the vote. “No one important” was second with 18.4%. 8% are hopeful it’s Levi.

A Majestic Stallion

A member of Paradis Team, but it is too early to say who

Jean dressed up as Levi aka the REAL Helos (Deja Vu).

Kenny "The Ripper" Ackerman rides again!

I want the Helos cosplayer to be Hange, but if it's not, Armin would be interesting.

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPEFUL FOR IN CHAPTER 100? GO NUTS AND CHOOSE AS MANY AS YOU WANT. 1,718 Responses

1,161 (67.6%) Seeing the rest of the SC

1,134 (66%) Annie. Please. It’s been 84 years,

1,027 (59.8%) Information about character loyalties

1,013 (59%) Learning Willy’s “one solution”

875 (50.9%) The Warhammer Titan

788 (45.9%) Eren wreaking havoc

781 (45.5%) More Reiner suffering

747 (43.5%) RIP everyone sitting in the audience at the play

652 (38%) Grim Reminder

565 (32.9%) Action with the Asian Clan

534 (31.1%) Overwhelmed Falco turning into a falcon and flying away

Seeing the rest of the Survey Corps is our dearest wish, followed by a sighting of Annie. The most common write-in was simply “Levi”.

RIP Gabi and everyone else in the audience. But mostly Gabi.

I'm saying it now - there won't be another Grim Reminder. It would be the worst possible move to make. However, I can see some sort of staged assault happening.

What if chapter 100 is just an elaborate reenactment of the finale of shrek two where shrek and the gang ambush the castle with a collosal gingerbread man whilst fairy godmother sings. Honestly I would pay good money to see willy start singing 'i need a hero' with a choir behind him make it happen isayama I believe in you.

I am going to sell my soul for chapter 100

All the pieces are being set in place. It is about to begin. We don't know for sure what will happen but things are about to get wild. Prepare the feelingstrain cause we're all hopping aboard

  HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT TO RETURN TO THE ORIGINAL CAST ON PARADIS? 1,712 Responses

No matter how great a chapter is, we remain desperate for the original cast. Last month 34.5% select “5” on the poll. This month that number was up to 38.1%.

And gimme some of that paradis crew daddy yamyams ✊️💦✊️💦😩

I'm severely lacking in Ackervitaminz

I'm tired of Marley to be honest. I hope next chapter shakes me, because this chapter didn't at all.

i still wanna know what the little miserable gremlin man is doing and my badass child Hanji

I loved the Marley chapters, but GOD I NEED MY PARADIS CREW THE SNEAK PEAKS ARE KILLING ME

while I haven't really been in any rush to return to the main cast, I'll be really excited to learn that they've all infiltrated Marley in this way, and for some final smack down to begin soon.

It's just a setup chapter I just want my Mikasa fix.

GIVE ME MIKASA AND ARMIN  BACK. I MISSED MY BABIES. I WOULD SELL BOTH OF MY KIDNEYS TO SEE THEM WELL AND HAPPY AGAIN. JUST GIVE ME THAT WISH ON CHAPTER 100 ISAYAMA. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?

  WHICH CHARACTERS DO YOU GENERALLY ENJOY THE MOST 1,717 Responses

Cries forever for my vets.

Nearly 100 chapters in and I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. Oof. Isayama...amazing. PS: I will continue to select 'The Vets' even long after The Vets are gone!!!

(fist bumps you, my friend!)

   WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES 1,695 Responses

Last month this question was 40% Tumblr and 48% Reddit. This month Reddit was most active on the poll with 56.8% of the responses. The other platforms remained consistent.

"Where do you primarily discuss the series" giving 4chan the silent treatment?  Although I guess what they do doesn't really count as discussing.

  ANY OTHER CHAPTER THOUGHTS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE? We had 360 write-in responses and some were essay sized in length! Thank you all for your enthusiasm! Here’s a portion of the comments.

  EXTRA DANCC

It's about to be lit fam

NERD-SQUAD TO THE RESCUE! Nothing but goosebumps for that entire chapter thankyou.

If Helos is actually a lie created by Marley and Tybur, then was the devil of all the earth a lie too? Or did it exist in reality? Will it return? And how the hell could Tybur know of Kenny and Uri sitting in front of that lake? Does he have some spies on Paradis? All this stuff is just becoming more and more fishy...

I want everyone to die.

Is it just me or did Reiner lose weight? Not aroused. Isayama sensei please try harder.

Pieck grabbing Zophia's shoulders. 100%. A+. As expected.

Okay, so, we've been speculating like mad on how Eren arrived in Marley. Reiner asked the same thing. And Isayama, through Eren's words, answered us: "is that really what you want to ask first?" LIKE DAMN, at this point I'm sure Isayama reads our blogs. At least he answered the "Why", kinda...

for god sake. reiner's suffering have to stop TTTTT-TTTTT

Bertl deserve this world.

Isayama has officially changed his icon to Reiner. Protagonist confirmed. It was Reiner's story all along. We were just along for the ride. The very traumatic ride.

I love the parallel between Reiner and that old man that hanged himself back in Paradis. I'm quite sure that Reiner, like the hanged-man, is looking for judgement. Cool to see how Bert nightmares played a big role in the end.

sc stans are insane I wonder how bad  will Reiner's strabismus be when Eren ultimately touchs the Bertolt and Annie subject.

needs more porco

Is Eren gonna sacrifice himself for the sake of saving the world as a scapegoat? Will his death be the only meaningful one in the whole series??

I hope to God Armin has a different haircut.

Learning that we're getting ova of Lost Girls and reading this chapter was the best way to start my week. I love you I wish Isayama hadn't made Reiner so hot. Too hard to focus on everything else going on =\

if reiner wants to get judged maybe he should look to judge judy for judgement, that'd be lit

I love my shifter kids, but they're fucked.

I don’t personally think there will be a Grim reminder 2.0, Paradis people, ie Armin, Hanji and all, usually don’t fight fire with more fire, they plan better shenanigans. Also, how they would be considered better than marleyans if they did the same stuff? They won’t play this low, they also know that Grim reminder™️ Is everything but effective.

Isayama why it's great that we have all those informative, descriptive chapters but something need to happen. I hope that next chapter will be full of action.

SHOW ME MIKASA AND LET HER AND EREN  BE MARRIED. And let annie be alive and well and dont make reiner any sadder. #chap100 No

Soldier, who are you? Willy, what are you really trying say? Eren, will you start causing some trouble? Levi, come out!" AAAAAAAAAAAaa!!!!

Pieck was actually exactly right! I always loved her design and oppressed but trying her best herb merchant aesthetic. So cool that she saved the lives of Reiner and Zeke, her influence on character relationships and the plot.

In RtS I wanted Reiner dead. Half to end his suffering, half to be vindicated for the things he'd done, but I guess it was Berty Beetle's turn.

I miss Levi so much, it's been such a long time since we've seen him and all I want is for him to keep his promise to Erwin and obliterate Zeke.  I can see him now, sitting with his arms crossed as Zeke enters the room.  "Been a while, you piece of shit.  Not so tough now when you're not ripping a bunch of people in half with rocks, eh?"  He cracks his knuckles.  "I will destroy you.  I will make it hurt.  Because you killed Erwin Smith and I promised him, I *promised him* that I would end this fight for him." Ahhhh please Isayama. <3

CHAOS FOR THE CHAOS GOD The slow build has been so worth it, we're all going to hell and I can't wait

Annie is alive. That shouldn't be a point of discussion anymore,

Please make my children happy, they suffered enough

I really think Jean is the Helos cosplayer because of face/mouth shape. That might be wishful thinking though :') Also DAMN EREN REALLY IS HOBO DADDY

ISAYAMA CAN YOU PLEASE DRAW BERTL FAMILY OR PHOTO OF HOOVER HOUSE OR WHAT SO I CAN REST IN PEACE I WANNA BERTL AGAIN I DONT CARE WITH OTHERS 

I just want to say that the chapter 99 pre release megathread on /r/ShingekiNoKyojin was one of the best things to ever happen, and i'm proud to be a part of it.

Now i just want to see jean What if we're all just too hopeful and in reality the helos cosplayer and trapdoor-kun are just normal people. If Annie isn’t coming back I’m rioting honestly. Also where TF is mikasa?!

I LOVE PIECK SO MUCH she is becoming one of my fave characters. Also hopefully nothing happens to cause Reiner’s mental state to become worse than it is right now. CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT CHAPTER I think the Asian woman is Mikasa. My evidence to support this claim is that after she talked to Willy, she said ‘let’s go’ to her body guards. As if she knows what’s going on.

Seeing Pieck being smart and quick-witted made me like her even more. I'd be very sad if she ends up being killed or if Porco and her never truly meet the original main cast. Give us those warriors/soldiers interactions Isayama.

Annie...please...it has been too long now...

Regarding Eren he ackwonledged that Reiner and co. were just clueless kids trying to save the world when they destroyed the Wall. And he is stating that he as well has been forced in this role. I think he is trying to bring Reiner to his side as well as to remove a Warrior (and Falco) from the stage where things will soon go wild.

This shit was lit lit lit!!! I need war!

If the marley arc was a dubstep song, this chapter was the part where the song builds up in speed and frequency and ends right before it levels off and the beat subsequently drops. Ya feel? Warriors, come out to plaaaaay.

IMO PIECK IS ON EREN'S SIDE AND SHE ACTED IN FRONT OF PORCO

I want to know who works with who (especially ZEKE), how they arrived in Marley, I want the SC but also I really love the Warriors, asdfghjkl I really don't know what to expect but I love the way Isayama keeps us on this subtle line between ""OMG"" and ""WTF MAN"". I want some answers!  AND I DEFINITELY WANT ANNIE BACK

I hope Sasha is in Marley too. She needs pizza.

Too few panels of Marco's death. 😠

i miss zeke memes

PATHS

I love the art in the recent chapters. I will forgive slow pacing for good art.

Karina is a bitch

Isayama give Reiner a break or kill him already, end the suffering pls

And lastly, the Rick and Morty copypasta meme made it's way into our poll. I laughed!

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Attack on Titan. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Eren's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Attack on Titan truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Zeke's existential catchphrase "As expected of Pieck 👉😶👉," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Hajime Isayama's genius unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools... how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Reiner and Historia tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

Thank you also to those left nice comments about the poll. We appreciate it!

[aberwerzogausummichzufinden]

Needing Help /Disability and Privacy

Soooo. I am pissed off. I am not as pissed off as I could or maybe should be, because I am surprigsingly used to this happening, but I’m still pissed off. If anyone wants to read about a disabled person’s thoughts when they’re pissed off, here they are :D First, I want to say that disabled life is awesome, disabled people are awesome, and this is just an angry vent and I am comfortable and happy with my disability, it’s just other people that make it hard. Able-bodied people who offer their help or accept my requests for help, PLEASE for the love of fuck be sincere, and be RELIABLE. I cannot rely on you if you behave like a piece of shit. If I ask you for help and you are not able to help me, SAY SO. Then I can look for other people who may be available. If you leave me hanging for HOURS, ignoring my messages, my calls, everything, you are affecting my PERSONAL LIFE. I depend on your unreliable uncommunicative ass. And the thing is, sometimes I already know that you are unreliable, and when I ask you for help you’re already my 23rd option. Do you think it’s fun to depend on other people everyday for basic things?? Do you think it’s fun to need someone to help me shower, to get naked in fronf of someone, just bc you need their help? Newsflash, no, it’s not fun, in fact, it’s pretty humiliating, and no I do not suffer because of that, bc I’m used to it, bc my relationship to my body has changed to fit this situation, bc my relationship to privacy is different, bc I know that if I need help, well, I need help, and that’s okay. (It must be imaginable how that messes with my sexual expression. I learned that naked bodies are not inherently sexual, which is good, but in society, especially bodies of AFAB people are constantly seen in sexual contexts. And I had to learn to daily detach my body from its sexuality, from my personal sexuality. I had to learn that early on, my whole life, before I was even able to grow in my sexual identity. How do I build a relationship intimate but also impersonal enough, sometimes with friends, sometimes with strangers or acquaintances, so that they can helo me with something most of us are not even comfortable to let our lovers do?? How do I learn to see my body as sexually desirable when its desirability is attached to secrecy, when eroticisim is attached to the unknown, the personal, the exclusivity of who is allowed to touch and see certain parts of my body? How do I do that when I am so used to my body being seen and sometimes touched (although luckily that does not need to happen often) without any sexual context attached to it? I have no problem getting naked around others because my body’s sexuality is questioned and erased constantly. My naked body is not exclusive to my lover.  Obviously, needing help to get into the shower is not nearly as personal as needing help IN the shower or on the toilet. But it’s still something that I need to emotionally be okay with and that I don’t trust everyone with and don’t have fun asking for.   Having to ask five different people who I am comfortable with on varying degrees, if they could help me shower, multiplies that small pinch of humiliation and makes it double and triple. It’s not cool. I am very privileged in the sense that I really don’t need much help, and that I have lots of people around me who I feel completely comfortable with. But now I had to call one of my best friends, who wasn’t available, and my list of people I’m comfortable with in the shower shrank to “my mom’s best friend” and “my dad:s best friend who’s like my uncle”, when they weren’t available it shrank to “my mom’s best friend’s husband”, would you want to accept help in the shower from your mom’s best friend’s husband?? I don’t think so. I was lucky that one of my best friends had time and came over to help. You alerting me earlier and being honest about not having time to help me would have made it unnecessary to interfere in my other friend’s plans for the day and askinf them for such a personal favour spontaneously. I could have prepared myself for having to ask someone different. You don’t understand that bc of my disability, when I ask for help, it’s cause I really need it. Not answering my calls is an asshole move if you have declared yourself available. Please don’t do that, please communicate, please be honest, please realize that I depend on you.

[followingfallout4]

Companions react to sole always joking about their death when really they're really considering it because they hate themselves but always joking and playing off like nothing is wrong

Thank you for this ask, anon. I’m hoping this one might give people who are dealing with this some hope and comfort, maybe even to talk about it to someone they love and trust. These characters would believe in you, and one way or another so do I ❤️ Intro: Sole was not doing nearly as well as they pretended to. Being in the ravages of the commonwealth, losing what they lost... they felt useless, hadn’t been able to stop it all. Sole couldn’t shake the thought that nothing would change that feeling. They hated themself for not being good enough, never feeling happy enough so faking that it was to the outside world was the next best thing. Joking to hide it, just one day at a time, as long as nobody found out about it. That was until the day, in spite of the smile still set on their face, something must’ve shone through in one of their jokes. They were looking into the very concerned eyes of their Companion. “ Hey... are you alright?”  It took Sole a fraction of a second to regain their composure, to get back to the façade and the fake smile. “Yeah, of course! I was just joking, let’s go.” Their companion held them by the arm, not tightly, but just to get them to turn around and stand still.  “ Sole... What is really going on?” The worry in their voice made Sole cave in entirely. They had hoped never to have to explain this... not like they would understand it anyway. But they couldn’t evade it anymore. Tears welled up in Sole’s eyes as they admitted that maybe they hadn’t just been jokes. 

Codsworth: He felt like something had been going on for a while now, noticing the difference between the Sole he used to know and the way they acted now. He never could quite place his finger on what was going on , but as soon as Sole poured their heart out to him he recognized what Sole described. The feeling was somehow familiar to him. He had felt it too, once. He held Sole’s hands and told them they were not alone. “ I have felt lost... for all those years without you. I hate to admit it but... mum/sir I have thought about it too, it was so very lonely. But I held on to the thought that maybe I would see you again. And when you were there... oh Sir/Mum... I was so happy to see you again. You gave me a reason to live and to fight again. I felt better talking to you about it. About how I felt... I have learnt that bottling up past trauma can lead to inadiquate coping strategies in later life. We can help each other Sir/Mum. I am here for you.” His heartwarming smile wasn’t enough to fix the feeling of emptiness instantly but some warmth seeped back in, tears still running free. “Okay.”

Danse: Danse felt a slight sense of panic at Sole’s words... he tried to envision a world without them but felt his chest tighten every time he did.  He knew what it felt like to no longer care if you lived or died, but to consider taking your own life... he couldn’t wrap his head around that. He desperately wanted to help but he didn’t know how. “ I know what it feels like to feel like an imposter... but you helped me back up. Through all of this, you are the one thing that has kept me from giving up, from turning it all off. I would have been dead without you and I have devoted my life to protecting you, even if this means protecting you from yourself. So that is what I shall do, in every way I can. “ He pulled them into a very tight embrace and kissed the top of their head. “ You can tell me how you really feel. Your secrets are safe with me. The dark thoughts and the nightmares... I probably have had them too... maybe I can do for you what you do for me. Give you a reason to feel alive again.“ 

Deacon: Deacon was dumbstruck, his own jokes falling away entirely. He had no idea what to do but not taking Sole’s words seriously was the last thing on his mind. He pulled Sole into a hug. “ Shit Sole, you’re more worthy to be alive than me. You’ve saved so many lives, helped so many people. You have no idea how amazing you are.” Sole shook their head. “ Doesn’t make me feel any better Deacon. It’s not about how worthy who is. I just feel... lost. All the time.” He stroked their hair until Sole cried a little less. As he wiped away some tears from their face he inhaled deeply.  “ I’m not gonna pretend I know what it’s like. I’m a pathological liar with a bad past but I can’t imagine how you feel right now. And that’s okay... as long as you talk to me. You can’t fight your demons alone, I’ve tried doing that myself and it’s only been working since you’re around and since I told you about my past. I can’t... ‘fix’ this. I know that. But I will fight with you if you let me. And until the threat is passed, just to be safe, I won’t be leaving your side. I won’t bring it up unless you want to talk about it but I won’t leave. “ Dacon looked down. “ Because it’s worst when you are alone. “ He grabbed Sole’s hand. “So please know that you’re not. I can be an idiot but I won’t let you get lost in yourself, okay?” Sole was trying to ease their breathing, wiping away some tears. “I... I think I can do that.” Deacon smiled at them, a little smile. “Good. Now get over here.” He pulled them into a hug again. “ Oh, does this mean death bunnies as a nickname is off the table or...?”  Sole chuckled a little, while Deacon reveled in the sound of their laughter, vowing to get them to smile genuinely, every day, again someday.

Nick: Nick didn’t look at Sole with the pity they expected to face, but with a look of determination. “ Listen’ up kid, there’s one thing you need to remember; we’re not gods, we’re men. Human or synth, all of us. You’ve been trying to take on the world, one injustice at a time and you’ve found out that you can’t save everyone. It hacks in on ya, I know. But damnit, you make this damn hellhole a little brighter. So hang in there and rely on others when you need to. If you feel like you can’t handle it, come to me. You’re not the only one who feels lost sometimes, don’t get lost inyourself. You’ve got too many people looking out for ya to do that.” He grabbed Sole’s hand. “You don’t have to face it all alone.” 

Hancock: Hancock smiled at Sole. “ Looks like we got more in common than I thought.” “ You mean aside from the deadpan and the sarcasm?”  “ I’ve almost done it a hundred times over. I’ve considered it, justgoing out on a high, ya know? Literally. And to be honest, if it weren’t for you maybe I woulda done it, too. But you gotta find yoruself somethin’ that makes you excited to wake up in the morning. It doesn’t matter what it is. And if you let me, I’ll do whatever I can to be that thing for you. Or die trying.”  Sole scoffed, eyes still puffy. “ I’m not sure it’s a good iea to make those kind of jokes. Or to put any kind of pressure on me to be happy.”  “ Oh, I’m not doing that. You’re a grown-ass (wo)man, I’m not gonna tell you what to be or what to do. But I ain’t going anywhere without ya. But this ain’t the kinda thing you tell people unless you hate that empty feeling. Keep talking to me when you feel it and I’ll help ya. You’re gonna be alright. I’ll keep you safe.Cause you’re the most important thing to me in this whole goddamn world.”

Maxson: Maxson felt hopeless, felt some sort of unfamiliar panic wash over him. If ther was one thing he wasn’t used to being it was helplessness. He wanted to helo but didn’t have a clue how. “ Sentinel... I would kill for you.” He walked closer to them, looking Sole straight in the eyes. “I would die for you if it came down to it.” He grabbed Sole’s hands. “ But I can’t let you die. Cause I’ve lost a lot of good soldiers, a lot of friends, and I cannot lose you.” Sole looked at their feet. “But I’m not sure if I can keep going on, Maxson.” He gritted his teeth. He wasn’t angry at Sole, not dissapointed, just concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability to do anything. “ Whenever you feel lost, come to me. I know now and I’ll drop anything if you need me to. You can do whatever you want, tell me whatever you want and I won’t use it against you or judge you for it. As long as you don’t do it. “ He had a pleading look in his eyes as he grabbed Sole’s hands in his. “ Please. I am no longer sure if this this world is worth saving for me if it no longer has you in it.”

Preston: Preston sighed and asked Sole to sit down on a nearby bench with him.  “ When I first started all of this I was, um ... scared as hell. You know that I often barely managed to hold my head above water. Sometimes I just wanted it all to stop. I’ve seen so much death and misery walking through the commonwealth... it rubs off on you. But I kept going because the people around me needed me. Sometimes I felt some genuine happiness again, in the little things, you know? When I noticed some kids could still be happy, when I saw lovers reunited,... when I saw my guys like Sturges with his eternal optimism. It made me push through. And then you came along and I wasn’t the only one with the weight of the world on my shoulders.There was some hope again, among the pain and the suffering. I’m still not completely okay but I try to go by the little things... you are a reminder that sometimes things get better. But when it all gets too much... “ He gabbed Sole’s hand in his. “You can come to me. I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not enough. As it turns out talking about it helps best, and for me focussing on the little things that make me happy. Like you. Like coming back to the settlement and knowing you’ve given these people a new home. Like the look of relief when we help a settlement and those people realise that they haven’t lost everything. The bravery to start over. You know the story of Pandora’s box right? Once all the misey is out, hope is left. Anyway... just know you can come to me when you want to okay? Cause... I don’t want to lose you.”  

Sturges; Sturges can’t even stand to see Sole cry, let alone deal with the fact that they’re contemplating ending their life. After they barged in at the Museum of Freedom he felt like he owed them his life but now it came down to it he didn’t know how to return the favor. He looked at them with such hopeful eyes and said “ Hey... I don’t really know how to help but I’ve got your back. You’ve helped us out back at Concord. You saved our damn lives... I wanna do the same for you. You’re one of akind Sole, and this world would be a whole lot darker without you in it. So whenever it gets to much you know where to find me. Same team, remember? “ His heart broke to see Sole nodding their head while they still were having trouble stopping the tears and he pulled them into a hug, holding onto them tightly. “I got you. You’re gonna be okay.”

X6-88: “ I told you I once thought you looked lost and confused, that you might not be able to handle this life... and how you proved me wrong. How tough and determined you are in spite of all you’ve lost. I told you then you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. I still believe you can. You will overcome this.” He tried to maintain his more composed way of speaking intact but seeing Sole like that... something was hitting a nerve, making him feel something he didn’t usually feel.   “ X6, I’m not sure if I can. You also told me you were worried I might slow you down and I am doing that now. It’s overwhelming, too much to handle.” “ I am sworn to protect you.” Sole inhaled deeply, tears still streaming down their face because they were saying goodbeye to their support system. But Sole knew he was probably doing all of this out of a sense of loyalty to Father, a sense of duty. “ I relieve you of that. You can leave. Nobody will hold it against you. You no longer need to be my bodyguard.You will always be welcome in the Institute but no one will command you any longer.” “ With all do respect, ma’am/sir, I refuse to leave your side as long as you are in harm’s way.”  “ This isn’t helping. Knowing I’m a burden, an annoyance to you.It makes it all worse, okay? Just leave.”  “ Damnit...I am not leaving because I have to protect the one thing that I can’t live without. That’s you.This is no longer just about the Institute. I respect you and I want to be by your side as you take on the world or whatever idiotic thing has gotten into your head that makes you feel insecure. “ He clenched his jaw. “ You do? ” “ I do... sir/Ma’am. I will aid you in overcoming this in any way you can. I refuse to let you destroy yourself.”

[http-rory-blog]

helo there palios, it’s super nice to meet ya’ll/be a member of this group. you all seem so damn sweet? like? already in love over here?? anywho, the name is rachel, twenty years old and a member of the gmt+1 timezone. this little shitbag right here is loml rowan rory, who i’m excited to further develop with ya’ll.  you know the drill, below the cut will be a series of bullet point information about rory herself, followed by whats probably me rambling about possible plots with a lot of ‘???’ here, there and everywhere. 

i saw VICTORIA JUSTICE today walking around the fair. Wait, no that was ROWAN 'RORY ANDERSON, the TWENTY-ONE year old CISFEMALE. i’ve heard SHE is currently a BAKER in Clairemont and people say they’re AUDACIOUS & QUICK-WITTED. Watch out though because i’m sure that i’ve also heard people say that they’re SHORT-TEMPERED & CONCEALED.

TW: MENTIONS OF VERBAL ABUSE.

rory, as she prefers to be referred as, was born and raised in clairemont. to this day, she’s still to ever even leave the small town. having never ventured beyond it’s welcoming signs even for a vacation. 

once upon a time, rory did have a smooth-going home-life, her mother and father were over the moon with the blessing of a beautiful baby girl. though it wasn’t to last long, with rory being a colic baby, it drove her father absolutely mad. he couldn’t stand the constant crying, and therefore tried to refrain from being in their home as often as he could, leaving his wife to do all the hard work.

cutting to the chase, he began to drink to cope with the situation. which eventually, resulted in him getting fired from his job when he turned up to work entirely out of it. which unsurprisingly, only furthered his depressive state and need to sooth the pain with alcoholic substances.

around this time, he was never cruel or abusive toward rory or her mother, he did love them. however, he was unable to see through his depressive state he was quickly falling into and became nothing more than a deadbeat; a shell of a person he used to be.

it took years before rory’s mother had had enough, packing her bags one day and walking out the door. it seemed she packed everything, wiped the house clean of anything that was once hers, that was, everything but rory.

for days, the little girl waited day in, day out for her mother’s return; but it never came. when this reality did hit her, it hit her hard. rory was physically unable to understand why her mother left her behind, what she had done so wrong to deserve it.

since her mother left, rory and her father barely got along; with him refusing to do anything but watch television and sit on his ass all day, it left them struggling to make amends meet at times. as soon as she came of age, rory had to take responsibility, picking up a part-time job while in highschool to support them both

the further he progressed to practically never being sober, the more her father would often make comments toward the daughter he once loved and adored so much. it wasn’t that he was trying to intentionally hurt her; he thought he was being funny, amusing, spewing words at her about how she’d probably end up just like him, how neither of them had a future, they were nothing more than the scum beneath everyone else’s shoes, she is just as worthless as he is.

though, after years of saving extra pennies that weren’t spent on food or household bills, etc, rory finally saved enough that she could escape her childhood home, somewhere that once held comfort that had become a nightmare to return to daily.

also, she works in a bakery because somehow the sour lil bitch she is can manage to create some damn good treats tbh.

basically, rory can be pretty bitter, a bit of a pessimist at the best of times (although she tries to play it off as her being a realist), mommy issues??, tbh daddy issues too??, quite the lower class citizen, considering she any pennies she got growing up were spared on bills and food w/her father not working, doesn’t bother to try achieve or make anything of herself either as her mom and everyone else believe she’s going to wound up just like her dad so she’s like?? lmao probs so why bother try make something of myself. is very iffy about getting too close or attached to anyone; fearing they may leave, is generally a very daring person? like, if you told her to jump of a bridge she probably would like ??? idk man. also don’t tell her she can’t do something because she will prove you wrong even if it kiLlS hEr. 10/10 would fight you if you bug her enough, tbh even if you’re like 6′3 and 180 pounds she’d still try take you?? is she okay?? not rly but anWYay. that’s my smol feel free to hit up those dms if you wanna plot bECAUSE I’M A PLOTTING SLUT GIVE ME EVERYTHING. ALL THE DRAMA. I WANT IT ALL.

 i’m gonna throw out a couple of possible connections while they’re floating around my brain, but tbh i work better brainstorming 99.9% of the time so slide into my dms and lets get out plot on.

lowkey i’m always down for the big brother/little sister type of plot, that’s lowkey my aesthetic tbh oops.

it would be pretty cool to maybe even have her mom’s kid(s) around? like, i feel like her mom has 100% moved on and gotten married and is living her picture perfect little life, meanwhile rory is just being bitter af. 

i can only really see her having one or two friends she’s like.. deathly close to? like they would probably know bits and pieces about the stuff that has gone on with her dad, especially if they grew up in clairemont like herself. but these would be her ride n die kinda friends ygm??

on that note, give me just those like.. party friends? like people she drinks with or gets high with etc etc.

frequent customers, she works in a bakery so..?? idk?? just a lil idea. 

someone she used to be incredibly close with when they were young, but after all the shit went down with her dad and mom she pushed them away, to this day she still gives them the cold shoulder and the other has no idea why. at this point, neither does rory. 

hookups/fwbs, she’s not really a relationship person bc trust/commitment issues 101, but she probably fucks around a lot. 

lowkey give me a plot like ‘we said no strings attached but now we’re in knots’. 

there’s probably a handful of people she doesn’t get along with, she’s really easy to piss off and generally would just get irritated quickly by someone and decide then and there she doesn’t like them. 

hatefuck??? i mean, speaks for itself, they argue and bicker a hella lot.. but then always end up fuckin’.

loWKEy, this could go along w/the hatefuck or fwb plot but like.. gimmie a plot were neither of the muses like sleeping alone or at least like, they prefer sleeping together? so they’ll fuck n whatever or even make excuses to do so just so they get to wound up literally sleeping w/one another; like all snuggly and it’s just.. at least rory wouldn’t want to admit she enjoys it so she’d cover it up w/being like ey come over n bang?? 

this is a mess

okay so, i think that’s all i got for right now, but ima hit ya’ll up and whatnot because i 100% wanna plot with evERyoNE. 

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.