#and i said some shit that's fueled by how my bpd heart loves

[t4t4thotrods]

it's very nice and all to see the posts that are like "your f/os love you no matter what <33". but, like, i full know that some of my f/os, if they were real, would probably ghost me if i said some shit that my bpd brain thinks of

[mamacleo]

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: You can't beat it. Or can you?

TW, CW: Frank discussion of mental illness, language

SPOILER ALERT: Triumph.

ADVISO: Long (yeh, surprise)

Everyone reading this who knows me knows about my struggles with mental illness especially borderline personality disorder (BPD). This missive is written because, after an entire adulthood of being its servant and its victim, at last I have a strategy. As of today.

I want to use this opportunity, then, to inform anyone who might not understand BPD. This is going to be an actual article, and I will repost this on Blogger, Medium, and Tumblr.

What I'll do is give a bit of info about BPD for anyone who might not understand it, describe how last night and this morning are typical in ways anyone can understand, and then relate my solution. I do this knowing that this solution is specifically for me. It may not work for anyone else. But you can try it and see if it works.

Let me talk about BPD. It doesn't exist among adults who did not experience trauma in their childhood. Childhood physical trauma can lead to PTSD in adults, and that's one thing, but BPD only comes out of emotional trauma, and bad trauma at that. Kids who were gaslighted, lied to, and subjected to wild, irrational mood swings are the most susceptible. BPD is, if you would like it put simply, those extremes of emotion you might feel from time to time ratcheted up to 11 and happening virtually every day. BPD is emotion magnified and amplified.

Offense becomes anger, anger becomes rage, rage becomes fury. A lot of rage junkies are BPD. It's not just fear of abandonment, it's terror. Shifts in emotion can produce panic, mania, and horror. Love becomes obsession. There's virtually no way to regulate it. Once it kicks in, rational thinking stops. Things that should make sense to most people don't make sense to the sufferer. Logical thinking becomes impossible. People can explain things to you reasonably and thoroughly, but your mind can't accept them. Every worry can turn into a soul-crushing depression. Every fear can turn into screaming paranoia.

No, you can't control it. (Though as you read on, you'll see that this girl now has a strategy.) For my entire life, I have been searching for a key to unlock this straitjacket. When it kicks in, it's virtually impossible to stop. It has to build to a crescendo, a sort of anti-orgasm made of nuclear-fueled insecurity, before something makes it break. Then you return to normal and all you can do is try to cope with the fallout.

BPD people know what's going on. Maybe not in the moment. We can't always see what's happening, which frightens and confuses us more. Like the comedian John Mulaney said, "We don't want us to do this either." We know what happened once it's over, though, but not all the horror, regret, shame, and remorse can change what happened, and it won't stop it from happening again. Sometimes we even see ourselves starting down that road once it starts, but recognizing it doesn't help. Quickly it takes over our thinking, both rational and emotional, and whatever perception we had that we thought could rescue us vanishes. Then it's down the rabbit hole, where nothing makes sense and nothing stops the descent.

I have said and done terrible things during episodes. I have said and done them knowing *at the time* that they were terrible, yet I was powerless to stop them. That is what people do not understand, but perhaps these words will express to the unknowing the misery of this disorder. When I was in rehab for drinking, our facilitator used the phrase, "Somebody else is driving the bus." That is almost exactly it. Most of the time, Cleo is driving the bus, but when an episode kicks in, Cleo becomes an observer in her own head. Somebody else is driving the bus.

It happens in an instant. No warning. One instant it's not there. The next, it is. Nothing you can do will prevent it.

That driver is like a separate entity living inside you. Full disclosure: I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder, which manifests mildly for me, but dissociation is far from unknown among BPD sufferers. In fact, most people dissociate at one time or another. Ever state into space without thinking, then snap out of it? Not know how you got from point A to point B in your car, though you were driving the whole time? Ever "zone out"? That's dissociation.

But dissociative identity disorder, that's a different thing. It's what used to be called "multiple personality disorder," and the full range of the disorder is only recently becoming known. It was thought, classically, to be rapid switching from one identity to another, but it is far more complex. There are shadow areas where multiple identities operate simultaneously, grades of consciousness, grades of awareness... When I use the phrase, "someone else is driving the bus," it can be anything from one identity seizing total awareness to the core identity (Cleo, "me") watching in horror while my body and all its behavior are being "driven" by some other consciousness.

That happens more often than people know. I have had entire conversations with people, watching in panic as things I would have never dreamed of saying in my right mind flew out of my mouth. I couldn't stop them. Screaming internally accomplishes nothing. Pleading internally for it to be over has no effect. I have lost jobs because of it. And worse. Nothing I can do stops it.

Until today. Triumph approacheth.

Some of you have heard me say that I can see through a brick wall in time. I am not normally a fast thinker. The obvious sometimes eludes me. Sometimes it takes forever for me to see a pattern. I'm just kind of slow that way. But understand, that BPD/DID combo, like I said, is almost its own entity. I do not embellish or exaggerate when I say it fights for survival. The fight to stay integrated every day...well, sometimes it's a battle royals. Thing is, though, that entity is almost entirely composed of parts of my subconscious. It knows all the tricks it needs to survive.

That means that this thing I finally cottoned onto today.. The pattern has been there for me to see for a long, long time. Today, for whatever reason, it finally became apparent. If spirituality bothers you, I apologize, but the other night, a 3-day BPD rampage ended with, again, me aghast at my behavior. But this time, there was something--the expression on my wife's face when it hit its peak--that I could clutch onto. I prayed. I prayed to the Goddesses to help me through, as I have before, but this time with leverage. I prayed to the Goddesses to teach me how to use that lever.

Here's what happened. Last night my wife said something that might have been mildly annoying to a normal person, but which triggered the cascade of emotions I have come to recognize as the beginning of an episode. I left the room so I could calm down and try to organize my thoughts. With some success, I came back to bed, but it didn't subside. When I awoke, the episode was still there waiting for me. Then came the usual cascade of what I call, and what my wife has come to dread hearing, "dumb shit." The volume wouldn't go down. The cat knocked my phone out of my hand. Taking off my headphones accidentally flipped my glasses off my face. The episode started building up to detonation.

After calming it down some, I talked with Callie about it. I told her she needed to know what was happening so she could cope with it. Then I noticed something was bothering her and asked if it was me. She said no, but said she didn't want to tell me because it would make matters worse. Then: the spark.

No, I said, tell me. If it has nothing to do with me, maybe this will give me a problem to solve that can take my mind off the episode.

As she told me, the pattern I have been waiting all my life to see finally unfolded before me. Years and years of similar moments came to me. How often, when I am in an episode, one of my kids, or a friend, or a loved one, will reach out to me for help or advice, and I make that problem my own. I focus all my analytical intensity on it. I dissect it. I sort it out. I take it apart, then reassemble it in a way that makes sense. At the end, a resolution.

And the episode is gone.

So for the first time, just today, came the conscious choice to fix someone else's problem in the hopes it would resolve mine. I've done it before, subconsciously, but today I made the choice, and it worked.

IT. WORKED.

Now, at long last, I have a strategy. I have to know I am in an episode. It has to be an actual issue. No brain teasers, nothing without consequence. It must be real, vital, and complex, and it must be someone for whom I care. But it can be done.

This year will complete my 59th and begin my 60th. I have been borderline since my early adolescence, maybe before. That is how long I have been searching for a resolution. It took until now to find it. Years of therapy, years of shadow work, years of medication. And it took me this long.

Triumph at last, and a euphoria not unlike gender euphoria. It's bittersweet, though. I think of all the hearts that wouldn't have hurt without it. All the damage done. The friendships lost. The loneliness. The guilt. The helplessness.

At least my remaining years have promise that none before did. Some people never get this far. My egg donor didn't. She never approached this. Until her last breath, she thought all her moods were justified. What I have is rare and precious. I am sorry my wife ever had to endure a moment of it, but she now knows she has my eternal gratitude for leading me here--and she has the promise that the future will be brighter, kinder, and calmer.

I'll take that. Eight days a week. Twenty-five hours a day.

[tinygaysheep-blog]

A lil Keith theory+ character analysis (kinda) ALSO LANCE IS KEITH’S STABILITY EXPLAINED

Ya girl is back with a theory that quite honestly breaks my heart. But it has nesttled itself into my head and oh boy, oh boy does this make me sad. 

BPD, or borderline personality disorder is a mental illness a lot of people don’t really understand. Its also pretty hard to diagnose for some reason and often confused with bipolar depression and autism. 

Lets take a look at the symptoms; 

Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self (how one feels about one’s self). Keith definitely has a problem with feeling worthless. We all know that Lance has problems with insecurity, but what goes over a lot of people’s heads is that Keith does too. He assumes people dont like him, the only thing he’s actually sort of proud off are his flying skills. He doesn’t want to lead Voltron cause he doesn’t think he’s any good as a leader, and while he’s not as good at it as Shiro, he defnitely has some leader qualities but he doesn’t see them himself. He came a long way in season 3 in a very short time but he didn’t see it.  And his self-sacrifice at through-out of season 4? It could just be the blade of marmora influencing him with their “the mission is more important than the individual” crap, but I don’t think it is. He goes back for other memembers and even tries to fight Kolivan to save the guy when he would maybe be able to throw the guy to safety but never run back himself. And the final eppisode? Keith cares more about anyone and anything than himself. He’s literally willing to die to save anyone else. 

Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness. We all know Keith suffers from not really feeling a connection with others. He’s literally been on a ship in space with six other people for God knows how long and they still describe him as the lone wolf, he still trains on his own all the time. And the common misconception is that he wants to be alone. He really, really, really doesn’t. I cannot stress enough how much this boy would love to join in on the fun all the time, to not be so far away from the rest of them, but he just can’t.  He’s too scarred he’ll be rejected or something along those lines so instead he just... Lone wolfs it. 

Difficulty feeling empathy for others.  I decided against highlighting this one because we haven’t really seen a lot of it. Although, there have been a few cases of this, like when Pidge tried to leave. In my personal opinion, I don’t think he can summon the empathy very well unless he’s going through or has been through the same thing.  When he and Allura went out to space because they both though Zarkon was tracking them he showed quite a bit of empathy towards her but that was also because they were in the same boat (no pun intended) he was sort of going through the same thing. So he understood. When Lance came to him with his issues of insecurrity he got it because he’s scarred of being kicked out too. Of not being a valueable member to the team.  But when Pidge wanted to go find her family he couldn’t relate. Cause he’s never really had a family to look for. We don’t know what happened with his dad, whether he died or just up and left like his mum did. But seeming it’s more logical, lets assume his dad did die, he doesn’t know his mother, so... He doesn’t understand Pidge wanting to look for her brother.  You may argue that he had Shiro to look for, but if you watch the first episode of season one its pretty clear he wasn’t looking for Shiro. He’s surprised to see him there and he was tracking Voltron before that. Finding Shiro was merely conicidental.

A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate.  Again, I didn’t want to highlight this one because, well, we don’t know enough about his backstory to be able to judge if he’s had unstable relationships in the past.  However, you cant tell me he doesn’t have and intense idealization of Shiro that kinda turned into a sort of hate (but not really) when he was left in charge of Voltron. But that’s all I got on that one. He doesn’t really seem to hate people or idealise them (apart from Shiro) Some may argue that he hated Lance in season one, but honestly, I call bullshit on that. Annoyance, yes. Hate, no.  Annoyed neutrality. 

A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment I feel like I dont have to go into this.... So I wont... AT LEAST NOT THE OVERLY OBVIOUS STUFF.  Okay so, our boy has abandonment issues. We all knew that. But I honestly don’t think y’all are seeing just how far this stuff actually goes.  When he though Lance hated him (EXACTLY HOW CANNON THE HATE IS IS UP FOR DISSCUSSION, FIGHT ME ANNONS) he really didn’t want much to do with him. Even made a few jabs at him so that he could reject Lance first.  With the B.O.M however, we see him literally almost work himself to death during the trails in fear of being rejected to the group. The boy has major issues with self esteem, which is probably why he did so well at the garrison, cause he needs those results to feel okay about himself. He doesn’t think he’s good enough so he works towards being better, yes its pragmatic, but ultimately he’ll end up.... oh I don’t know... sacrificing himself. 

Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours.  Again, I didn’t highlight this one because, well I don’t have too much to back it up other than that he seems very easy to upset. A little comment like that he’s the lone wolf, even though he’s trying to fit in can really get to him. And just... can people stop hurting my baby please? 

Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression Honestly, this is another one I don’t feel like I have to explain. It just, Keith is a guy that worries a lot, and he definitely has anxiety when it comes to interacting with others. From the way he talks about his mother to the way he looked at his blade when he was figuring out his Galra identity, and the look on his face when the others were pissed off at him in season 4, I think depression is definitely a concept he touches on. Maybe not fullblown, actual depression, but I think he has... issues with feeling like a depressed person feels sometimes.  But he’s never actually vocalized this, so this may be me projecting. Though he does show some general symptoms fo depression. 

Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex I just, r e c k l e s s  d r i v i n g  Yes, he’s a skilled pilot but you cannot tell me he doesn’t throw caution to the wind a lot.  Also remember that king he held hostage?  Also remember how he worked himself to death during the B.O.M trials? Also remember the self sacrifice?  Also remember the putting himself in danger to safe his teammates?  Also remember how he ran away with Allura in the middle of the night because he THOUGHT he MIGHT be getting tracked and left the team unable to form Voltron without telling anyone?

Hostility “What? Keith is a total hothead”- Lance, 2016.  No but, Keith has said himself that he can be this way.  Even Shiro has pointed it out to him. This one is kinda also just very self explanitory. 

Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations Well I mean, his plans do kinda seem to be all over the place. He got kicked out of the Garrison... and tracked alien life for a year???  And other than finding Shiro in season 2-3 and joining the blade he never really has a long term plan. His only goal is defeating the Galra, it doesnt go deeper than that. He doesnt necessarily want to go home or settle down. He has no plan. He just kinda floats through life.

With BPD you have these things called modi. Modi are... in simple terms, fragments of your personality. There are five modi, the protector, the strict/punishing parent, the abandoned/abused child, the angry/impulsive child and the healthy grown up. Everybody sort of has these a little bit, but when you have BPD your healthy adult mode is a little... under developed/overwhelmed by the other modi. 

I personally also suffer from BPD and I honestly see a lot of these modi in Keith. The protector is the main one that seems to be present with him. (I also have this one, I call mine richard/dick for short). The protector’s main job is keeping people at arm’s lenght, its hard to get past this guy, esspecially if he’s the main dude running the show. Keith’s protector seems to work a lot with the impulsive child which is why he has such dificulty being a leader. 

I want to give an example here of how Keith’s modi seem to coexist; 

So lets take the scene where he just started leading Voltron and he chased Lotor into the gassplanet. So, he has an objective; get Lotor. His strict parrent modi will lock onto this WITH A FUCKING DEATH GRIP. It doesn’t matter what he has to do, he needs to get his objective. The impulsive child then takes over with the the stirct parent fueling him by telling him he needs to do this, when the team tells him to stop the protector shrugs them off. 

Later, once he failed, and lost everyone, the child and the protector regress, leaving the abandoned child and the strict parrent to yell at it and make the child feel like shit about itself. This is when Keith is vulnerable. That’s why Lance could approach him, and he knows it. And while acknowledging that Keith fucked up, he appeals to the healthy adult in his system to try and get him to move on. 

THAT is why Lance is so good for him and why he stablizes Keith mentally. He is able to tell him that he made a mistake while still accesing the healthy grown-up. Shiro, on the other hand, doesn’t do that. He is constantly trying to shape Keith to be better and sometimes, yes he gets through to Keith’s healthy adult and stuff (patience yeilds focus), but mostly he appeals to the strict parent telling him to be better. 

It doesn’t surprise me that that’s why he saw Shiro during the Galra trials. He really, really, really wants his approval. He might even see Shiro as the strict modi if he were to personify it. 

I hope you’re as sad about this as I am, because it’s two a.m and this suddenly hit me like 20 minutes ago and I’ve been keeping my emotions in check ever since.