#and i understand there are things im purposefully not telling yall

[agentplutonium]

another WIPW post

I can't remember the last time I did this and PK keeps enabling me SO gonna post this week. Not-so-unfortunately, I don't have anything fandom-related this week however I have been on an absolute bender for original universe content creation and i actually really want to share some of it. So, what I have for ya'll is a story based on how Vampires were created in my universe. It's a bit of a long one, so it will start under the cut. A little bit of information about it before then however: Despite being this world's gods, Terra and Caelus went a concerning amount of time before figuring out that Vampires had accidentally been created. Terra was briefly introduced in this post from a few WIPW ago, if you're interested. Anyway, onto the thing:

Terra never thought that this was possible. Her creatures were never supposed to hurt anybody, that wasn’t why she was making them. But, for some reason, the Strix didn’t conform to what she wanted. Caelus kept bringing up the problem, but Terra could only beg for more time with them.

“I can get through to them, I promise!” She would plead. “They’re just a bit stubborn, that’s all. That’s what happens when you give creatures free will.”

“I don’t know, Love,” Caelus would say, “I’m worried about the Humans. They already don’t like these creatures all that much. What if something were to happen?”

“I can do this,” Terra would insist. “On All Mother’s honor.”

The passionate fire behind Terra’s eyes was usually Caelus’ downfall, giving in to his Love once again.

For the longest time, Terra was making progress. It was slow, painfully slow, but it was progress none the less. Progress that was continuously cited every time she was challenged on the Strix’s existence. Terra was so certain that this would work out in the end, that it even started influencing Caelus’ thoughts on the matter too. They both thought that there was a breakthrough with the creatures just around the corner.

Oh, how they both could be so wrong.

They were quiet at first, the turnings. Nobody knew what was going on until there was an epidemic. Soon, there were Humans dying in every village, fear running rampant. Terra and Caelus were beside themselves trying to figure it out. It wasn’t until Terra witnessed what was going on did they figure it out. Terra was in the forest outside of Valhollow, looking for the Strix that resided there, wanting to warn them that they were to close. However, what she found instead was horrifying.

There was a teenaged girl walking along the path, presumably on her way back home. Terra stayed out of her way and hidden.

There was three whistle notes. A tune that Terra had never heard before. The girl, however, froze in her tracks. She spun around, eyes on the trees, chest rising and falling quickly. The notes again. A warning, it seemed. Or perhaps a call. Terra felt her heart sink in her chest. The girl bolted, tearing down the path as fast as she could. She didn’t get far before a swarm of the Strix flock descended on her. The girl screamed, a scream so visceral it made even Terra’s throat close up. The Strix squawked, their wings beating frantically all as they pecked and clawed at the girl, drawing more sounds of pain from her throat.

Terra cried out, stumbling forward. She slammed her hands into the ground, and it started bending and warping to her will, creating a dome around the girl to protect her. Terra, standing now, outstretched her hands and willed for the birds to disappear. It took more effort than she wanted, but one by one, the birds turned back into clay, before falling to the ground with a muffled whump. The creatures melted together upon impact, leaving a heap of crusty clay on top of Terra’s dome. Terra stumbled forward, hand reaching out and smoothing over her makeshift protection. The soil glowed softly around her fingers and at her touch, responding to her. The dome collapsed next, revealing the girl, sobbing and shivering, curled up on the ground.

Terra knelt down, reaching out and brushing the dirt off of the girl’s face. The girl groaned, but didn’t move away from the touch.

“It’s okay,” Terra whispered, “You’re okay.”

“Who are you?” a voice just beyond the girl said.

Terra’s head snapped up, eyes falling onto someone who she did not recognize. The stranger stared back, curiosity clear in their gaze.

“You’re not from here,” the person continued. “Who are you?”

“Terra,” Terra breathed finally. “What just happened?”

”You’re not human are you?” The person asked instead. “I’ve never seen power like that. Sure, there’s the Firmis, but I’ve never seen one of them exhibit that kind of power. What are you?”

“I can ask you the same thing,” Terra said, trying not to get annoyed at the diversion, “but, please, what just happened?”

“They found another victim,” the stranger said. There was a small puff of air, and suddenly they were on the other side of the girl. Terra blinked, not remembering seeing them move. “The creatures, I mean. I haven’t seen anything like them before I got attacked.”

“Strix,” Terra said, instinctively.

“Sorry?”

“They’re called Strix,” Terra repeated.

“Fascinating,” the person said. They turned their attention to the girl, hands brushing gently along her body. With each discovery of a new wound their expression grew more sour. They clicked their tongue when they came across a smear of gold liquid beside her lip. “That’s what I was afraid of,” they whispered.

“What?” Terra asked, wondering what this stranger meant.

“The blood got into her mouth. It means the change will happen soon.”

“What change?” Terra asked.

“She’ll turn like me,” the stranger gripped, looking back up at Terra, “a blood thirsty monster.”

At that moment, the moon shone down through the trees, illuminating the persons eyes, and Terra thought that she saw a hint of silver around their iris. Terra didn’t see it for long to continue wondering, though.

“Can you help? Reverse it maybe?”

“’Fraid not,” The stranger said. “We don’t die that easily. But, she’s lucky that I found her first. If she was alone, or, gods forbid, she was found by the others? This would be a whole different story.”

They slid their hands under the girl’s shoulders and knees, pulling another groan from her. It was ignored as the person, effortlessly it seemed, lifted her as they got to their feet. Terra followed suit, hands wringing in front of her.

“I’ll take care of her, don’t you worry,” the stranger said, giving Terra a small smile, “It was nice meeting you, Terra.” They turned to leave, but Terra stopped them.

“I didn’t catch your name,” She said. She felt like it was only fair.

“Dr. Farbridge,” The doctor said. They nodded to Terra, and within a blink, they were gone again.

Terra stood there for a moment, staring at the heaps of clay beneath her feet. The events of the night started to catch up, and Terra felt so many emotions coarse through her body. Anger, remorse, shame, grief. She didn’t know what to do with herself.

She had to tell Caelus.

[coldresolve]

yeah, nah, fuck it. im sharing this post and then i'm just gonna link to it whenever it becomes relevant.

every disagreement i have with yall always comes back to me phrasing things in a way that sounds mean. always, always. like duh, i dont try to sugarcoat how i see things, i have realized that, in fact i do it on purpose. why? well.

i come from a culture where it's often interpreted as deceitful and/or shallow to sandwich your point in with superficial courtesy. if you spend too much time packing your point in with whatever you think will make it easier to swallow, people will start to feel like you're infantalizing them, or straight up wasting their time. being direct and honest from the get-go is seen as a sign of respect - yes, even if what you're saying could easily be interpreted as rude. say what you think, say exactly how you feel, and we'll take it from there. that kinda thing.

when i say an opinion or criticise something on here, i am treating you, the reader, like someone who is smart enough to understand the gist of my argument without being bogged down by its delivery, mature enough to recognize the difference between criticism of your work (or general trends) and criticism of you as a person, and emotionally well-adjusted enough to not pin your self-worth on the negative opinions some random guy on the internet might have of something you do/create/like.

i am showing you respect by talking to you as if you are an adult who can deal with what i might have to say. if you're not, and you can't, i expect you to have the wherewithall to not engage with me. i could at the very least respect that. alternatively, you're also welcome to disagree with my points, obviously. i'm always up for a good discussion.

but you responding to criticism like mine with defensiveness, affront, or worse, the idea that you're now justified to go after the criticiser as a person, only comes across to me like immaturity, self-consciousness, self-importance, and in some cases - deliberate or not - obtusiveness. see how that cultural divide can go both ways?

we're probably not gonna find common ground here. i'm tired of being interpreted as aggressive all the time, but i have no intention of conforming to the american ideal of social courtesy, because it makes me feel shallow, disingenuous and fake. meanwhile, you're probably not gonna be able to hear me speak without shaking the knee-jerk feeling that i'm purposefully ignoring the sensitivity of others (because objectively, i am).

so do we chuck the whole thing up to different culturally determined approaches to communicating our ideas? can we keep a shred of respect and mutual understanding and leave it at that?

or are you gonna insist that i'm immoral/rude/aggressive/callous/antagonistic/attacking people/etc, for voicing my own opinions, in my own way, on my own blog - in which case i, in turn, will feel perfectly content to just consider you an inherently silly person?

as far as i can tell, it's one or the other.

(also please please recognize the difference between using culture as an excuse, and pointing out a very real cultural divide that influences both how i communicate and how you interpret how i communicate. my point is that we're gonna keep talking past each other unless we adress the fact that we approach communication with very different goals in mind, mine being effectiveness and honesty and yours being courtesy and social sensitivity. i am also not saying that either one of these is "the right way" to communicate. don't read shit into my takes that isn't there to begin with. thx)

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

WHAT DID U GUYS THINK ABT THE LATEST MV IM GOING INSANE

tw for suicide, mention of alcohol

Admin Saturn: I now have a crush on kazui! The other admins have been trying to convince me that because his whole arc is showing why he's not a good husband to his wife but like bro... open marriage and a guy that buys me flowers and holds my hand and takes me on drives? Sounds pretty swaggy to me! Also he ate a bird! Thats kinda wack!

Overall based on the info we have and everything he's said in his VD (assuming its to be trusted cause he does have that whole lying thing going on), I would personally go with inno. Like unless his sin was suicide baiting her, I don't entirely see how this could turn into a guilty situation. Definitely not on the same level as a lot of the other prisoners. (looking at how guilty mahiru should be but isn't getting)

Admin Venus: I'll summarize what I talked about in my theory, but honestly, I feel like Kazui didn't do all that much wrong. He seems like he just kinda let life go the way other people wanted it to go for him, and somewhere along the way he realized he really didn't enjoy it. At some point he got "greedy" and took steps to try to change that, but his wife probably committed suicide or possibly got into some kind of accident or something. Either way, that's what resulted in her death.

Between that and him being useful on defense from a meta standpoint, I'm not sure why I would vote him guilty. I wish we knew more though, I feel like both half and Cat were pretty sparse on details relating to the actual death of his wife. Like, I understand your situation, Kazui, tell me what actually happened!

Side note though, it's really interesting to me in the audio drama that he says he wants Es to find out his sin. In the first trial, I'd thought his MV was giving nothing because he was purposefully burying details to hide them from us. After hearing that line in the audio drama and seeing this MV, I feel more like Kazui's repressing his feelings on whatever his sin is so hard that even the MVs can't quite get at them.

(Also, the fact that we still haven't seen anyone who he's romantically involved with (other than his wife) adds to the theory that he's gay for me. A lot of other people (Shidou's wife, Mahiru's lover, etc.) have gotten relevant characters' faces revealed this time, and while we did get that for Kazui's wife, I feel like who he was with would've been revealed to us unless there was a specific reason to hide it (ex. he was with a man).)

Admin Mercury here. Uhhh I really got nothing on my mind but shitposts tbh. When listening to his VD, I really got the impression he was still lying or at least being overly dramatic like the theater kid he is. Especially in this part:

(translation thanks to @/onigiriico) The way he delivers these lines seems so fake to me, but I realize this might just be personal bias talking. Idk yall, lemme know what you think ab his delivery in the comments below (PFFFT sorry)

Admin Neptune: I'm definitely team innocent. Although it seems like Kazui hurt his wife by not wanting to be married anymore, he tried to be a better person and stop lying to her. Unfortunately, according to him, this resulted in her death. It doesn't really seem like he did much wrong, especially compared with many of the other prisoners, and he helps keep the prisoners safe.

The part where his wife's image transforms into what is seemingly a man with an apple for a head (along with other parts such as the "I can't stop, I can't be normal") leads me to believe that he's gay. Assuming that the apple is supposed to represent something he feels is forbidden, this part could represent his desire to date/marry a man instead. I find it interesting that he sees this image through an alcoholic drink, and I feel like it represents something but I'm not completely clear on what.

Since Kazui says "I can't live unless I lie" as mentioned above in the VD, I wouldn't be surprised if he was still lying, but I do believe that he never actually cheated on his wife. I do wonder if he would consider "emotional cheating" infidelity, and it seems like the temptation might have been there when he says "it didn't even turn into infidelity."

[hotchseyebrows]

thoughtfulness in little things

a derek morgan x penelope garcia fic

a/n: can you believe that is my first ever full length morcia fic? me? resident morcia nut? wow. what a world. anyway!! i hope yall like this (and if you noticed it was already on ao3 earlier today shhh this is a scheduled tumblr post im Sleeping rn) and hopefully i dont take 4 months in between posting fics again, but i make no promises!!! my brain is Evil

thank you @blkantigone for being my beta and thank you @derekmorqan for letting me barf 1k of this in our dms a while back, i love you both sm

they do kiss a fair bit in this (it is, in fact, a first kiss fic) and its a little steamy, but by no means explicit and is rated teens and up on ao3 :)

read it here on ao3!!

Penelope splutters. “Sugar, you don’t have to stay here with me, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

He shrugs. “How am I supposed to party when my best girl is stuck at work?”

-

Everything changes during a late night in Penelope's batcave. But really, nothing changes at all.

word count: 3000

Friday nights without a case are a rare treasure for SSA Hotchner’s highly sought after team of profilers. Normally, Derek and Penelope would be taking advantage of the freedom by dancing all night, but sometimes the universe has other plans. 

Penelope used this week’s case-free time to put the finishing touches on an antivirus and security software of her own creation. The personal information of her beloved BAU babies was a hot commodity well worth the additional protection, and she’s always looking for a reason to fiddle with Quantico’s servers. It ended up being a whole production, taking the entire afternoon and then some. Apparently, she still doesn’t have all of the permissions required to make certain adjustments which means that she’s fiddling and bending her way into all of the things she needs to do. If that wasn’t bad enough, the whole damn thing crashed around 4:00. She managed not to pull her hair out, but it was a close thing and it set her back at least an extra hour.

Derek stops by a little after 5, his jacket slung over his shoulder. “Baby girl, I can hear the bottles of DC’s finest vodka and Hennessy calling our names, are you almost ready to leave for the day?” He pauses in the door, taking in her furious typing and furrowed brow. “Whoa, Mama, what’s the matter? You’ve got Hotch’s eyebrows.”

She throws her arms up. “The entirety of the FBI and also the world is getting on my nerves!” He walks over to her, leaning on the side of her chair and turning her away from her monitor. His hands gently grab both of hers and he rubs a soothing circle with one of his thumbs. 

“Explain, baby girl.” 

She does, eventually just ranting and raving about how annoying it is to still be put in metaphorical handcuffs by the FBI as if she can’t just do what she wants anyway. “I’m not even breaking any rules, technically, they’re just making things annoying and long winded.” She sighs, moving her hands to interlock their fingers. “But now that it’s started, it would be doubly annoying to stop it and come back later. So I’m stuck here until it’s done, which might take a while.”

He nods, thinking. Then he straightens up, grabs the extra rolling chair, and sits down. 

Penelope splutters. “Sugar, you don’t have to stay here with me, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

He shrugs. “How am I supposed to party when my best girl is stuck at work?” She blushes, turning away to hide it on instinct. 

“You cheeseball.” She spins around to lightly push on his arm. He just smiles. 

They sit together for 20 minutes in relative silence as she continues her work. It’s a comfortable silence; his occasional humming soothes her rising annoyance at how needlessly long this is taking. She can hear him playing with one of the fidget toys she keeps on her desk behind him. When she gets to another point of sitting and waiting, she turns towards him and asks him about his day. He tells her about how Prentiss helped him get Reid back for a prank by distracting him in the break room while he switched out the keyboard of Reid’s computer with an identical one with a grass garden planted inside. “It’s a long con for sure, but I’m hoping it sprouts this weekend.”

She laughs. “How long did it take you to set this up, dumpling?” She already knows the answer, but it’s nice to see his slightly sheepish but proud look about his dedication to his prank war. Her computer beeps at her, and she spins back around to begin working again.

He rolls closer, avoiding her question and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “You getting hungry yet?”

She relaxes, leaning against him. As if on cue, her stomach grumbles. “Yes, I’d say so.”

He leans over and moves a strand of hair out of her face. “Okay baby girl, I’ll go grab us food and be right back.” She nods, lifting her cheek on instinct to meet the kiss she knows is coming. He stands and sure enough, leans down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll be quick. Be good.”

“How can I do anything else if you’re not here?” She bats her eyes up at him. 

He grins. “Oh, I’m sure you’d think of something.” He brushes his knuckles against her cheek. It makes her shiver.

She watches him leave, catching the kiss he blows at her from the door. Turning back to focus on her work, it feels like she blinks and he’s back. A glance at the clock tells her it’s been over a half hour. He puts the bag of food onto the table before coming to pull her away from the computer. 

“One minute, I promise, I’m so close to just letting this thing run for a little.” He twirls her hair around his fingers before dropping his hands onto her shoulders, rubbing away the tension. A minute and a half later, she leans back in her chair with a sigh. She tilts her head back and sticks her tongue out at him. He smiles at her. 

"Come eat, baby girl. Don't think you're getting out of eating my hard won dinner." He moves to the table and pulls out her chair. She follows and sits.

"Hard won — mon cher, you didn't tackle a wild animal and lug it home to our log cabin in the woods, you drove your car 20 minutes."

He kisses her temple, handing her a pair of chopsticks. "Yeah, but I would lug home whatever you needed anytime, so the sentiment is the same."

She smiles and knocks their feet together under the table lightly. He moves his chair, so they are sitting right next to each other on the same side of the table. The heat from his arm is palpable.

Derek grabs a box from the bag and splits the vegan pad thai within onto two paper plates. He opens the box of spring rolls and places it in between them while she places napkins in front of them both. He pops the cap off of her bottle of lemonade without her asking, and sets that in front of her too. “Thank you, handsome.” He smiles in response. They start eating and the comfortable silence returns. 

She talks him through what she still needs to do to fix everything in between bites, even though she knows he doesn't really understand her technobabble. But Penelope can feel his eyes on her, and without looking, she somehow knows that something has shifted in the air around them.

"What?" she asks, turning her attention away from gesturing at her computer with the chopsticks. "Do I have something on my face?"

He chuckles. "Actually, yes, c'mere." He brushes away a stray spot of sauce on the corner of her lips with a gentle swipe of his thumb. The rest of his hand stills on her cheek. She shivers. She can see him notice it, his attention focusing in on her. Penelope's blood is thundering in her ears as he glances in between her lips and her eyes.

She leans purposefully into his hand. His thumb brushes over her lips again and her mouth falls open a little. 

"Penelope, I-" he cuts himself off with a hard swallow. "Penelope." His eyes flicker down to her lips and back up to her eyes quickly again.

She can only blink at him for a moment. "Yes, Derek?"

"I don't kn- um. Can I-" She's never seen him flustered and unsure like this. But they've never been out of sync before and they aren't about to start now, so she nods, bringing up a hand to rest on his. A smile grows on his face before he starts to lean in. His hand slides along her cheek to more firmly grip her face- it makes her gasp.

He pauses, thinking something is wrong. "Penelope, are y-" Her heart swells at how careful he is to take care of her always, and she meets him in the middle, pressing their lips together in a soft, purposeful kiss.

For a moment, all is still. The world boils down to just the place where their lips are touching. Their lips barely brush against one another, but already Penelope feels light headed. Derek separates their lips for a moment before kissing her again, a firmer touch this time. She sucks in a breath through her nose. His lips are incredibly kind- that’s the only word for it. He doesn’t seem to know the word “take” right now because all she can feel from him is “give.” As he presses into the kiss and gently cups the side of her face, her brain wildly spins through thoughts about how of course he’s like this even when kissing her and how good he smells and how she can’t believe they haven’t done this sooner.

He draws her closer against him, pressing into the kiss more insistently before bringing his other hand up to her face and holding her. His fingers move to cup the sides of her neck and she tilts her head to the left a touch, letting her mouth fall open in a sigh. He makes a soft noise before tentatively sliding their tongues together. A full body shiver runs down her spine and through her limbs. Another small noise falls from the back of his throat. Her stomach swoops like they've just dropped down the side of a huge arch in a roller coaster. She places both hands on his chest, pressing forward. He moves with her, chair squeaking underneath him as he presses closer, one arm snaking around her back. Penelope’s heart pounds even louder. His tongue is gentle even in its insistence as their kiss turns slightly desperate. 

It feels like someone has lit a fire underneath Penelope’s chair, warmth washing over her whole body and radiating out from everywhere they touch. One of his hands tangles into her hair as he gently tilts her head back. If she wasn’t sitting her knees would have buckled so long ago, but now she would absolutely be on the floor. It’s no surprise that Derek Morgan is an incredible kisser, but knowing something and knowing something is so different. 

He pulls back, letting their foreheads rest together. Her eyes stay closed, tingles radiating from everywhere his fingers are tenderly holding her face. She tightens her grip on his shirt. He kisses the tip of her nose. "You still with me, baby girl?"

She nods, breathless. She slowly opens her eyes and smiles at him. "Hi." It's the first thing she thinks to say. 

He laughs. "Hey you."

She has so many questions- how long have you wanted to do that, can we do that again right now, can we do so much more right now, right here- but before she can ask any of them, her computer beeps loudly. "Oh!" She jumps at the sudden noise. He drops his hands and leans back, looking far too much like the cat who got the cream. "I should- right, I should deal with that," she says, standing on shaky legs. Heels were never so precarious. Of course, there is no hiding from a profiler.

He grins up at her. "Need some assistance?" His eyes are shining like he's hiding a joke. She scrunches her nose at him, biting back a smile.

"Oh, hush you. I’m perfectly capable of walking 3 feet, thank you very much." Her tenacity is a little undercut from the way her hands are trembling a little as she smooths her skirt, but still. The point remains.

He raises his hands in surrender. "Alright baby girl, go on then."

She walks over to her computer and stays standing to fiddle with the wires behind it before bending over at the keyboard and reading the report on the screen. "It shouldn't be much longer now, it just needs to run the last new anti-virus- what?" He's leaning back in his seat and staring at her, a small smile dancing on his lips.

"What, Mama?" But he knows what, clearly evident from the way he is trying to school his expression into something innocent.

She blushes. "Derek Morgan, I don't know what I'm going to do if you keep looking at me like that."

"Oh, I don't know. I might have some ideas."

She sucks in a sharp inhale through her nose. Playing nonchalant, she turns back to her computer. "Well, I might have to hear your ideas out."

"Yeah?" 

She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and he's grinning.

"Yeah." she says, not trusting what will come out of her mouth if she elaborates (probably something along the lines of “I’d listen to all your ideas, do your ideas include any semblance of forever, if you keep grinning like that I'm gonna lock the door and do something reckless”).

They sit in relative silence, just the sounds of her typing filling the room. When she finishes, she spins her chair around. "Hi," she says again.

"Hi baby," he responds.

Her fingers twist and curl the hem of her skirt. "So, uh, well, that's gonna take at least another 30 minutes to finish running."

He raises one eyebrow. "30 minutes, huh?" 

She nods. "Might be a good time for some of those ideas." 

He stands and walks across the room to her. She takes his offered hand and stands as well. They stay there, inches apart and holding hands as the charged atmosphere around them seems to crackle. In the same breath, they lean in to kiss again. Both of her arms wrap around his neck as he tucks his around her waist. He pulls her against him, fully pressed together as the soft kiss deepens into something heated and desperate.

He bites her bottom lip gently before the kiss turns open mouthed and slick. She arches against him as they slide into a slow rhythm. She feels fluttery, like his arms are the only anchor point in the whole world and if he let her go, she’d simply float away. He tastes like lemonade, sweet and alive. She hums as he tracks his hands in a slow circle at the base of her spine. Her knees really do buckle a little as he attempts to tug her closer, but he holds her steady. She rests a hand on his cheek and grounds herself by using the other to grip the back of his neck. She’s utterly swallowed up by him, his arms and his mouth and just him surrounding her in their own little cocoon. He separates their mouths to kiss across her jaw and down her neck, hands flattening on her back. He places a line of long kisses down to the crook of her neck. She lets out a sigh, letting her head fall to the side to give him more room. He sinks his teeth into the same spot lightly, and she shudders. 

"Derek," she whispers. She can feel his smile against his skin as he kisses the same place again.

They slow to a stop, tucked against each other. He rests his face against her neck and mumbles something against her skin. "Hmm honey?" she says, hand rubbing a circle on the nape of his neck.

"I got us that Talenti ice cream you like," he says, only moving enough to be heard. “Chocolate peanut butter cup, and the color changing spoons are still in the break room.”

"Oh Der, that's so sweet, you didn't have to do all of that." Her heart skips a beat. 

He shrugs, kissing the side of her neck. "I wanted to."

She is half tempted to haul him in for another kiss, but as if on cue, her stomach grumbles. He picks his head up and smiles at her. "Come eat now," he says before giving her another quick peck. 

She lets him pull her to the table, but before they sit, she pulls him in again. He chuckles into the kiss.  "Eat, you menace." He mumbles against her lips. Pulling back, he plants a kiss on the apple of her cheek as he guides her into her seat.

She bites a retort about how she was trying to but he sees it on her face anyway. 

"Later, baby girl. Dinner first."

“Then dessert?” She tilts her head and gives him a flirty smile. 

He runs his thumb along her bottom lip. “All the dessert you want, Penelope.”

Much the same as before, they eat in comfortable silence. Except this time he rests a hand on her thigh, and traces a slow lazy circle with his thumb. The conversation picks back up and turns to unrelated things. Derek muses about possible retaliations from Spencer once he notices his new desk plants as he casually offers her a bite from his plate. She takes it, humming.

Something Penelope did not realize had lost its footing resettles in her chest. Nothing is different, not in any way that would scare her or be a loss. They are just the same as they've always been, but also more. (Though she'd be hard pressed to think of a time when this wasn't the way they were. Maybe things are just being unveiled, not changed.) 

When they finish eating, he goes to get the ice cream and two of the fun spoons from the break room. They split the pint and laugh far too loudly for how late it is. The computer beeps for a final time, software finally fully uploaded and settled. She still has to run tests and double check that everything is working, but that can wait. Derek offers her a bite of ice cream, and if he kisses her again to remove the ice cream from her bottom lip, she can't say she minds.

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[raveneira]

I think ppl got the wrong idea on what this blog is based on the anons I’ve been receiving so let me clarify some things.

I dont waste all my time talking about what I dislike, this is my SIDE blog not my main one. My MAIN blog is focused primarily on what I like, the whole reason I made this blog on the side was for me to vent about things I dislike that I dont want clogging up my main blog which is for things I enjoy.

So coming into my inbox telling me to ‘focus on my own ship’ and ‘stop talking about others’ is beyond stupid and shows you didnt read the description of what this blog IS, my place to VENT.

So sorry if you cant understand that but its not my fault yall dont read the description to realize what this blog is, of course its only me venting about the things I dislike and whats on my mind, thats what this blogs FOR, me to VENT. My MAIN blog is for mostly positivity and things I like, the whole point was to keep the negativity separate from the positivity.

I also post full length analysis that I wont post on main since well, they tend to be very long and I doubt any of my followers wanna read all that lol so this way if ppl follow its cuz they dont mind my long rants, analysis, reviews etc.

So to all the antis who somehow find this page, if your wondering why I keep talking about your ships or faves or whatever that I clearly despise, its because thats what this blog is FOR, its for me to VENT, and my main blog is for everything else that I actually like and enjoy.

If you truly believe I have nothing better to do than just talk about the things I hate nonstop then you got me fked up, yall not that important.

Now I said it before and I’ll say it again, if you dont like what I have to say on MY blog then block me, mute the kawasara tag, I have so many tags blacklisted of shit I dislike on here and I never see it so how about yall do the same? I cant help that my posts still somehow ended up in yall tag, but one thing I can say is its still your own fault for seeing it since my posts were properly all tagged as anti, which anti-borusara and anti-kawasumi for example and all its variations yall SHOULD have had filtered and blacklisted, then even if it showed up in yall tag you wouldnt have had to see it, so the fact that you still saw it means 1 of two things.

1 you didnt have the anti tags blocked despite knowing that was content you didnt wanna see

2 you DID have the tags blocked but chose to look at the posts anyway

In both instances thats a you problem not mine, all my posts were properly tagged, its your own fault if you didnt take the precautions like I and many others have with the tools we’ve been given to not see posts about things we dislike.

The fact that I go out of my way to add a warning at the beginning of every post now warning that its gonna be anti xyz shows Im not purposefully looking for trouble or trying to be toxic and cross tag etc. So if you choose to still come at me despite my efforts NOT to be rude and stay in my lane then Im beyond well within my right to clap back and clap back hard because you should’ve avoided me and the things you clearly despise, so if you still see it despite all the options available to you for you to avoid it you have nobody to blame but yourselves.

[amarlyx]

lil preview of an upcoming fic baybeyyy

hiii yall this a preview of a fic im writing,,, pls let me know if theres any mistakes / confusing bits ! its been like five yrs since ive written anything sjsbsb

---

"Adrien, don't be ridiculous." She states flatly, turning the handle of the sink, as though he was stupid for so much as thinking it.

"This," she gestures wildly between the two of them, picking up a barely-dirty plate, "is bigger than you seem to think it is. We're running a business, Adrien."

He scoffs, feeling the stone in his stomach turn over. Any attempts on Kagami's end to shut down this conversation are null and void, she knows, as she continues washing the remaining dishes. She purposefully slows her movements on the next plate she picks up, breathing shallow. She tries desperately to keep focused on the task at hand, though she can feel the pressure of his emerald gaze, heavy on her. She can't avoid this forever, but she hopes maybe, maybe she'll get lucky and he'll see how busy she is. Maybe he'll decide to let it go another night.

But Kagami is no Ladybug.

"Of course," he mutters, eyes ripping themselves off of her, as he starts slowly pacing the kitchen. "My apologies. I should've expected that was all this was to you. Just another business."

"Adrien, you know that's not true," she replies sternly, furiously scrubbing at a stain on his favorite glass. But he isn't listening. "You know I love you. That's why I'm doing what's best for us - for our future," she finishes, golden eyes searching his, though he doesn't search back. She sighs, eyes trailing back to the glass. She prays to any god who will listen that he'll sense the desperation in her otherwise cold voice.

Dropping his keys on the counter, he continues his slow pace of the kitchen. He keeps his eyes to the floor, absentmindedly rubbing a finger over his ring. She stills, hand cold on the glass despite the steaming water running along her knuckles. She turns her gaze to reach his, but again, she's unable to.

"You know, K, you sound a lot like someone I know."

"Adrien," she hisses, gaze still fixed to him, "Don't."

His eyes snap up to stare her down, emerald eyes like daggers through her body and soul. His voice drops to a low whisper, one only heard a handful of times in his life.

"Don't tell me what to do."

The glass slips from her hands, and shatters in the sink. She curses quietly, bringing her finger to her lip on instinct. He stumbles, turning quickly to the drawer behind him. As he closes it, band-aids in hand, it slams on his fingers.

"Fuck!" he shouts, falling to his knees, fingers pulling the drawer open loosely when he retracts his arm.

"Are you okay?!" he vaguely hears Kagami behind him, taking the band-aids from his hands and tossing them aside as she crouches beside him, far more invested in his shattered bones than her small scrapes. Apparently what she finds is bad enough, as she scrambles to get to her feet.

He wants to pick up the band-aids she dropped, tend to her wounds and forget the whole thing. He wants to transform into his alter-ego and jump across rooftops and rid himself of the turmoil of the day, but he can't. Not when his head is spinning like this. Not when his stomach is tossing and his hands tremble in pain.

He's just about to take a look for himself when he remembers oh right, she's here too, and hurt too, and before he can wrap his head around where here is, he hears her behind him again.

"Jesus, shit, Adrien! Where's your phone, I'll call -"

"NO!" he startles even himself with the declaration. Smooth, Adrien. But what else was he supposed to say? If she took him to the hospital right now, he'd have to remove his ring, and what the hell would Ladybug do if he failed, again?

He tried not to think about that.

"Why not? You're clearly injured, Adrien!" Kagami's dumbfounded expression would've been cute, perhaps even adorable if it wasn't for the current situation (and his conflicting feelings).

He looks down at his fingers, trying to come up with any kind of excuse for why he can't go. The small trail of blood running down his arm reminds him of his Lady's suit, and he groans in agony before he can chuckle at the ill-timed reminder of his admiration for her.

He guesses too much time has passed since his mouth formed a coherent sentence, as his girlfriend speaks in her slightly-less-than-completely-expressionless voice once again.

"Is this about your father? I'm sure he'll understand, he can't be that cold. We can postpone your photoshoots, and -"

"No, no. That's - I mean," Kagami sits his phone back on the counter, looking towards him expectedly. He had to come up with something, fast. "I just -"

Ding, ding! Ding, ding!

Looks like he wouldn't need to, after all.

"Oh, shit." she whispers, silencing the akuma alert on Adrien's phone.

"Guess we're not going to the hospital after all." he replies in a sad sigh, trying to dig up any and all of his knowledge in modeling to seem as solemn as humanly possible.

He quickly realizes how few shoots he's done, ever, in which that was a requirement.

"We should probably get to safety, seeing as it's in the area." he offers. He needed to figure out how to get away from his well-meaning but overbearing girlfriend, otherwise he had a feeling he'd be getting his ass kicked (verbally, of course) at patrol tonight.

"Are you kidding? Of course we're still going."

He gaps at her, veins running cold despite the heat of the blood rushing to his wounded fingers. She walks past him, picking up the band-aids and her purse.

"These will do for now," she says, unwrapping a bandage. "Come here, Adrien, so I can patch you up."

"I - Kagami, that's not a good idea. We need to get to safety, before -"

"Now." she shifts her gaze to his, and he freezes in her presence.

He sighs, picking himself off the floor, slipping his ring off before tucking it into his pocket discreetly.

"Yes, Kagami."

[valdotpng]

Can the Gay art bugs also help Myla?

while she definitely Could join hallownests coolest new art club/therapy group, i dont really think that her problems being solved by becoming some kind of an artist would fit her character… arc? i guess??

see, i picked the ‘quirrel gets dragged to sheo’s and becomes a landscape painter’ route for several reasons (tw for suicide mention/discussion btw!!): 

the first one being, obviously, the nailsmith - a character that has a lot of similarities with quirrel when you think about it. he also helps you on your quest throughout your big adventure– he upgrades your weapon til he forges the pure nail and so, after doing the thing that he was meant to do, wants to end his life. if we take the ‘quirrel kills himself after the blue lake scene’ theory into consideration here, you can definitely see the similarities in their… approach to fullfilling their ‘life purposes’. and imo thats exactly the kinda thing that both of these guys could bond over if quirrel is given the same opportunity to recover from this kinda mentality. if the nailsmith lived through this, then so can quirrel

the second one is related to the thing that people like to point out a lot - quirrels nail, how he always iterates the vital importance of having one, and how he symbolically abandons it by the end of his journey. this is where sheo comes in! sheo is basically a bug whose whole life used to revolve around the nail… until it didnt; he was able to find a new calling in life by abandoning his old one. ‘abandoning’ is a strong word though, cause he definitely held on to most of his knowledge and mastery of the nail, repurposed it. after all, “the wielding of a nail, the wielding of a brush… these things are not so different”. maybe quirrel could learn this lesson, too

the last one is that i just think that becoming a traveling landscape artist just… fits him?? quirrel LOVES exploring and sightseeing, so why couldnt he become passionate about trying to capture the many wonders of hallownest (and possibly other lands)? preserving those awe-inspiring places, recording those moments of discovery on a canvas. to archive them, if you will.

i hope they dont mind the tag (i’ll delete it if u do), but @wingmould added some really nice tags on my original post about the idea, and, Yeah. i wholeheartedly agree

now to myla. first and foremost, i gotta say that im one of the people desperately clinging to the hope that if you dont touch her and then get rid of the infection, she gets cured and lives happily ever after. that being said, i know that some of yall accidentally (or purposefully, out of mercy) kill her. so! heres what i got for our sweet miner girl in vals ‘theyre FINE shut up’ au:

in my understanding, the main cause of myla succumbing to the plague are two things feeding into eachother: her obsession and her loneliness. 

(presumably) like many explorers before her, myla came to hallownest with a specific goal in mind -  to get wealthy. and them mysterious, powerful crystals near the mines sure do look like a jackpot, dont they? especially when they start singing about ‘something even more valuable hidden deeper in’. that’s the reason she comes down there, the reason why she stays AND the reason why the radiance is able to invade her mind so easily. but i think that if she just had someone that could stop that obsession from consuming her, she could get saved??

like, sure, little ghost might pop in now and then to listen to her singing, but i dont think theyre really able to tell her ‘myla for the love of god stop overworking yourself and go outside’. and, from what we know, she doesnt have any friends/acquances besides the knight who could do that, either. “This is hard work, but I don’t mind. Down here, I can k-keep working without even sleeping. It’s fun!” see what i mean????? shes been down there for god knows how long, sleep deprived, probably starved, and alone, and NOBODY tells her that, hey, maybe she should, like, take care of herself? please??

so my idea is that someone actually does that and saves her. im thinking maybe sly? or cornifer?? cornifer deffo would be a better candidate since, in-canon, he could find myla while doing some exploring. and then he could take her to dirtmouth at some point, to, yknow, get some fresh air and maybe a cup of bug tea or whatever. and, after speaking with iselda, she Possibly could get hired as the new map shop keeper? since iselda is interested in going on an adventure with corny. it would be a way for myla to earn some geo and not risk her life while doing that. plus she could make some friends in dirtmouth! that way she’d be surrounded by people that wouldnt let her reach that rock bottom again, yknow?

woof, thats!! a lot of text. sorry about that! im just really passionate abt HK discussions!! anyways, it’s 5 am and im still not sleeping so i should. probably go do that sdhfuashdffus. good night

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[oflgtfol]

I LOVE other worlds than these so much i’m... putting this under the read more its very long. im rambling a lot its probably a mess im just spouting words about how i think and feel regarding this song

the instrumentals are. phenomenal. starting with the beginning of the song. i don’t understand why so many people are like “oh no the first few seconds scared me” but LIKE it sounds so good what is wrong with you. and the beat, and the guitars, GOD

and dustin’s singing it’s just. oh my godddddd i love how during the verses, the volume/intensity on the first few words of a line, like “TEN FEET TALL behind your wall / telling yourself that you’re not small / ROLL YOURSELF into a tight ball / you cant be lost if you’ve gone awol” its just. SUCH a nice rhythm going on, like some sort of seesaw, very cool, very nice, and very fun to sing along to

and also like, the rhythm for each line is just so good especially like, with the.. alliteration? or whatever? like it just flows so nicely, like “into a tight ball” the t sound is just, so good, idk it’s just very satisfying. it’s also in the line “feed it fiction and lies” and “reaping from the cell you sow.” i mean like i guess it might not even be intentional and can be in tons of other songs on accident ( like its only two words for each sound LOL) but for some reason i just notice it a lot here and its, Very Good

AND THE WAY HE DELIVERS THE LINE “ARE WE FLASHES IN A RUT GOING IN AND OUT OF LUCK” LIKE JUST THE WAY HE DELIVERS IT GUTS ME BRO . IT GUTS ME. IM EMO. IT FLOWS SO NICELY AND THE MELODY AND THE EMOTION IM...

what REALLY steals the show for me though are the LYRICS like they’re . so poignant and powerful and beautiful and i’m just the epitome of that lady gaga gif. starset always has such fantastic lyrics but this song GETS me so badly. like “pull the wool out from your eyes / it won’t shade your frail belief” IS SO METAL ITS SUCH A GOOD LINE. and “bury your head so you won’t see / the truth you hide is the truth you seek” LIKE HELLO... and the allusions to other songs from transmissions and vessels like MONSTER AND MY DEMONS it makes me so emo..... im so emo

AND THE BRIDGE. the bridge is a masterpiece. i remember hearing/reading somewhere that bridges are dustin’s favorite part of a song to work on and like, it really shows here. god he blew it out of the park with this song. the lyrics go so fucking hard.. “is it all an oddity? / are we flakes of empty dust spinning on a ball of rust? maybe / but the light is ours to see / you had eyes but sewed them shut / but that feeling in your gut won’t fade” and then my FAVORITE part is the second half of the bridge: “is it all a tragedy? / are we flashes in a rut going in and out of luck? maybe / but the answers will not change / even when they’re covered up, all these questions in your gut won’t fade” LIKE THOSE LYRICS ARE PHENOMENAL

AND THE WAY THE SECOND HALF GETS SO MUCH MORE INTENSE ITS JUST.. EUFHAUAHGUH. it gets me so badly

i’ve thought about this song so much.. there’s so many different ways to interpret it and like. im a sucker for space and drawing meaning from how insignificant we are in the universe. my college essay was basically just carl sagan’s pale blue dot speech but on a word count and written by a barely 17 year old. so like, thinking about this is one of my favorite things, and it really gets me. so my favorite interpretation of this song has to be probably the one that’s most on the nose, which is that like. there are other worlds than these, we’re just one small world in this universe, but nobody fucking realizes it, and this whole song is just the frustration that comes with knowing and recognizing our place in the universe, but nobody else ever really thinks about it or wants to think about it. it’s the frustration of thinking about the universe and dreaming about traveling across space but then realizing we’re still stuck on earth, and there’s so many fucking problems here because everybody’s mindset is stuck here as well. nobody thinks about the big picture. there’s so many petty wars and violence and hatred and literally none of this MATTERS i just want to grab people’s shoulders and fucking shake them like WHY are you DOING THIS? literally what is the point?

like we’re so insignificant in the universe and while some people may take that negatively, we can still derive meaning from it! nothing we do matters on a grand scale, so why don’t we take what little impact we have and make something of it? i feel like that’s what the entire bridge encapsulates and that’s why it gets me so badly like YES we’re flakes of empty dust on this tiny little rock, but we can still make something of it, “the light is ours to see.” and when it talks about that feeling in your gut its like UJYMHGNFDSFTGH it just makes me think of that like, absolute awe i feel when thinking about the universe, and just the, frustration and indignation i feel when it’s like, we can DO something, we can improve this planet, but nobody else wants to!!! or at least, nobody who has the ability wants to!!!

IDK this whole song just feels like my fucking frustration with world leaders who can make a difference in the world but just stew in their bigotry and violence, so caught up in petty political matters that they dont think about anything else. theyre the epitome of people who purposefully hide the truth from themselves and others, theyre the ones hiding behind walls and wearing blindfolds and sewing their eyes shut because they don’t want to face the truth, because they’d rather dole out the same centuries-old bigotry and prejudice rather than improving the world and making something meaningful of our meager existence. our lives are a blink of an eye on the scale of the universe, but we can still be optimists about this and spend that blink of an eye in the best way possible... but no. instead, there’s meaningless wars and greed and just, what’s the point??

a similar song with a similar meaning (vastly different genres though) is stairs to the attic by the antlers. it’s got the whole, wow the universe is so much bigger than me, vibe going on, but it takes a different approach. instead it’s about awe and wonder, and appreciation and celebration. it’s like the individual realization of our place in the universe. but other worlds than these is like, what that means on a larger societal scale, it’s the inevitable frustration and anger you feel when you realize nobody else recognizes this, and that this lack of recognition and humility is what causes these widespread societal problems and systemic violence. these two songs are like, two sides of the same coin representing different emotions centering around the same idea, and they’re equally valuable to me for that

AND BECAUSE owtt is more like, anger and frustration, it’s SO evident in the overall sound of the song. the driving guitars, the intense vocals, just how loud everything is. the lyrics are already cutthroat enough but then the way dustin delivers them its like WOW you can hear how indignant and disgusted he is. im especially looking at “no one really knows the truth / no, not you” like, lyrically and musically you can just hear how much this is meant to look down on whoever this is aimed at. these lyrics are so condescending but not in the like, arrogant way, just in the Wow Im Pissed Off kind of way and i love it so much

ALSO the only time the song lets up on intensity and volume is during the bridge, which is very interesting especially in the meaning. like the whole song is about the anger and frustration i Described Above, but then the bridge is instead elaborating more, actually explaining the whole We’re Small kind of idea, so the anger lets up and instead makes way for a bit of the uhm, awe, like in stairs to the attic. but it doesnt go too soft because ultimately he’s still mad, it’s just quietly restrained, and then the quiet part ends and THE SECOND HALF GETS SO INTENSE, LIKE THAT LITTLE REPRIEVE IS DONE HE IS BACK TO BEING PISSED OFF especially with the line “IS IT ALL A TRAGEDY” LIKE YJHTGRFED

and then this song’s placement on the album, the second to last song, it just. the whole tone has a very, Conclusive feel to it. idk if yall can understand that. it’s just certain songs Sound like a concluding song of some narrative, in some way. either they Sound like they end the album or they sound like some song that plays during the credits of a movie or something. theres just a very Conclusive feel to it, so its placement as the second to last song just makes all of this so meaningful to me. of course diving bell follows it but its so much more subdued and, instead of angry, it’s like...... depression. which i find, very interesting. this song is like the climax of the album, it’s all fire and intensity and anger, and then the album concludes with all that sputtering out into some sad farewell song. of course diving bell does get its intense ending, but overall the whole song just, does not have the energy of owtt. diving bell is entirely about some farewell, and then its lyrics are so sad and it sounds so mournful and subdued......... other worlds than these is the last Hurrah of the album. the moments of intensity for diving bell just sound like a desperate attempt to get back up again, but it just, flops, and ends (i dont mean this as a bad thing i mean this in terms of like, the Meaning of the songs/album, in fact it actually makes it hit so much harder for me lol. especially with how abruptly diving bell ends, its like the energy it tried to get back from previous songs, it just cant hold on anymore and just. gives up. and the song ends)

also i love the symbol on the official video ;_;

hehe other worlds... the circles represent Other Worlds.. hehe :D it’s so simple but it looks so cool. very nice

[yuudefensesquad]

me ranting about yuu once again

no one is saying yuu isn’t allowed to feel happy. (as yuudefensesquad all i want is for him to be happy aight) we are saying we wish yuu was allowed to be upset, hurt, and angry. things that he purposefully avoids feeling.

like really? he’s just chill w ferid hanging around after going on a mind blanking sword slashing spree with him after their first reunion? this dude flaunting around akane’s head and nearly turning into a full demon after experiencing that?

he’s all happy to be talking to guren even though their previous encounter had guren betraying yuu and his squad and stabbing him? did he just get hit on the fucking head and forgot about that? and then being all sympathetic and being like “wow i bet you were really hurting guren im sorry ):” yet guren never asks if he is okay and understands his situation? yuu just had to figure it all out for himself? (i love guren but DUDE...)

plus with guren putting the guren squad’s lives on yuu’s shoulders after saying they’ll disappear if he doesn’t find a solution really makes me feel bad bc. THIS ALL. IS JUST ONE BIG CLUSTER FUCK OF STRESS AND RESPONSIBILITIES HE ALREADY FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO REVIVE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND NOW PEOPLE HE KNOWS AND IN SUCH A SHORT TIME SPAN

also he’s all smiling and eager to help after seeing human experimentation that his father / mentor figure was acting upon? you know, something that destroyed his family?

he’s under all this stress, having guren in one ear and mika in the other, telling him two different things and the realization that’s he has been in a cruel, supernatural practice since the day he was born isn’t making him freak the fuck out like any 16/17 yo would?

how he feels being a seraph? the second trumpet? having it? are the transformations painful because he surely screamed for the first two times. like do the wings leave marks? do they burn or itch? also with guren knowing all along and never speaking up about it, being smug at the battlefield when yuu forcefully turned, how does he feel abt guren saving him just to be a bioweapon? what are his thoughts more than just ‘im able to protect my family with this thing!’ BC GOD DAMMIT YUU YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A SHIELD PLEASE STOP

his feelings aren’t being explored. yeah, he’s smiling. yeah, he’s happy to have mika like y’all keep saying. but mika coming back to him doesn’t solve all of his shit. mika isn’t his cure or salvation or fixes all of his issues like ive seen people assume he does. we aren’t getting deep in there. yuu’s earliest trauma was briefly explored and then forgotten about and replaced with another seraph transformation

“but we had like 3147891274 chapters of him being emo” yes and it was all forgotten immediately once mika came back into his life. we got no development on yuu’s feelings about it. just immediately he started seeking the cure for vampirism and asking for his family to save mika with him, not him thinking about how the species he wanted to mass murder for killing his family is actually a part of his surviving family and suddenly he views them like fellow human beings, especially FERID F UC KING B ATH ORY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK KAGAM

and about ferid i know things are kinda tight in between scenes w the story right now and i just want yuu to be like “hey once this is all over i’m fucking murdering ferid” and mika being like “lets kill him together” THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME !!!

and people say “i hate it when ppl say yuu coming back into mikas life solved all of mikas problems” bc surely enough it seems to be the complete other way around to how people interpret this and it sucks because yuu is so much more than just ‘a sad boy who is happy now bc his bff came back’ that’s not how it works. neither of them can fix all of the other’s issues. that includes BOTH. SIDES.

the most relevant thing to yuu’s survivor’s guilt (which should be optimized more in my opinion) was yuu immediately apologizing to mika for running away as their first meeting since sanguinem and his severe abandonment issues, and taking on all the blame

AND YUU CRYING WHEN SEEING THE HYAKUYA KIDS??? CAN I GET MORE OF THAT PLEASE??? THAT WAS SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD AND I AM STARVING IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I’VE ATE SOME YUU SADNESS

demons use their host’s weakest points to take advantage of them. yuu’s weakest points was being told by his family that he abandoned them, that it’s his fault, that he should’ve done something, asking why he got to meet friends and replace them when he left them all behind in the first place AND OUCH CAN MIKA LIKE SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND CAN THEY COMMUNICATE ABOUT WHAT FUCKIN HAPPENED FOR REAL!!! LIKE A HEART TO HEART!!! BECAUSE CLEARLY THERE’S SOME UNSPOKEN SHIT IF MIKA IS STILL BLAMING HIMSELF AND YUU IS STILL UNABLE TO VOCALIZE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS im so u p s et

god dammit i want someone to come up to yuu and be like “hey buddy... you know it’s okay to not be okay right... i know things are tough right now and i have no fucking idea how you’re all smiley and giggly right now and i’m wondering if you’re just smiling not only for us but to trick yourself into believing that everything’s fine and dandy...”

YES yuu has his happy moments YES yuu can feel happy

BUT FEELINGS. AREN’T. STATIC. THEY CHANGE.

it makes NO SENSE for yuu’s emotion to only be the ^_^ face

like yuu is literally in a tug of war right now between guren and mika and his squad isn’t helping by just existing in the bg panels and going along with guren’s plan without any complaints

like don’t yell at just yuu for not abiding by mika’s words because the shinoa squad + narumi aren’t clean either AND IT’S NOT A MATTER OF FAULT OR BLAME because not every character is black or white.

i’m so sorry for rambling but just. give me my boy. i love him for his smile but i also love him for his development and entire character. not just his expression and his relationships with people. i love him for yuuichirou hyakuya, you know, the kid who escaped sanguinem screaming and crying, who had night terrors, who blamed himself for years, who wanted to die, who has ptsd, who has trust issues, who has abandonment issues, who is possibly a codependent

like. he hasn’t accomplished his goal for eternal happiness yet. you have to go through so much to achieve that and he hasn’t. i don’t know if kagami is leading up for a severe breakdown or something but... sheesh

and all people ever do is reduce yuu to the “dumbass” character and he’s so much more than that. he’s following his heart and trying his best and it’s not going to make everyone happy. he’s going to make someone upset either way

i know the story is currently plot-heavy and not character heavy but i’m so... KAGAMI. PLEASE. if yall got input LMK i need to know what people think about this and if im the only one or not

[tommyshep]

OK I GOTTA RANT ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT BUT IM THROWING IT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG HERE (under the cut) SO YOU CAN IGNORE THIS I REALLY DONT CARE K THANKS

(update: its fucking LONG you really dont have to read it i swear. its just self pity and sadness hahahahhah)

ALRIGHT FELLOWS FIRST OFF im so fucking lonely yall, i met a guy recently tho (correction i knew them for a year and always thought they were out of my league and we have had mutual friends but rarely ever talked ourselves and then one day out of the blue they came up to me and hugged me and declared us friends??) but we were supposed to hang out this weekend and it was gonna be like the first time i hang out w a friend in foreverrrrrr but they had to cancel bc they got sick. i dont think they were purposefully trying to blow me off, but that happens to me a lot. i try to make plans so that i can get myself out of the house and then people cancel.

and my best friend (best is used loosely, more like the best friend i have but we’re not that close anymore and she has plenty of people she’s closer with) has a new best friend. i used to be able to go to her house all the time and just lay on the floor or whatever and that was our thing, but now i feel sorta weird around her cos we dont talk. like even if we hang out theres really no connection and i feel like a burden and shes always like “uh ya sure you can come over” and then i feel like shit. again its not her fault, but she was always someone i could just be myself around and now i feel like shes gone.

aaaaaand i have a bunch of online friends, some who i met on here and others who moved away and now this is the only way we can talk. but i feel like im ALWAYS the one to text them first. (this isnt about anyone on here btw!!) i have to start the conversation and thennn theyre like “omg i miss you so much we need to talk more!! how are things??“ and the whole conversation is just us catching up and then at some point they dont respond and then i message them again a few months later and it happens again. its not like i think they dont care about me, but they clearly have so much else going on just bc they have a life of their own and friends and school and all this that i dont have, so they dont think about me unless i text them. it gets exhausting always texting first and feeling like im forgotten about, especially cos i dont want to tell them that im feeling this way cos i dont want them to feel guilty since its not their fault.

ive tried to stay in contact with people from my old school, and at the beginning of the year i would go to every single concert and theater production that theyre all in. and they would do that thing where they tell me they missed me and we catch up. but what bugs me is that they always say “i dont see you enough, we should hang out!!” and im hear thinking, this IS my way of staying in touch with you. nobody asked me to come to this concert, i just put it on my calendar and showed up because i wanted to see you. they never return the favor or anything, which i understand that again they have friends and school and lots going on. i just feel so fucking lonely yknow? im going to prom with a guy next month as friends, but im not even looking forward to it anymore because we never talk so i dont even really care. my mom always tries to be like “what do you mean you dont have friends? youre going to prom in a few weeks!” and like, ive tried to hang out w this guy more but he always cancels or he doesnt have a car and it just hurts yknow.

and school is going shitty rn and i have a lot going on but i cant talk to ANYONE about it and wow i didnt realize i was this sad until i typed all this shit up. what the fuck.

i have all these great opportunities this summer where im going to meet new people but im so fucking scared cos i feel like i dont even know how to have friends. and the second someone is friendly with me i start envisioning us as best friends but then i remember that i cant keep friends so it all gets fucked up and i just want to have a normal social life.

i feel selfish saying it but even the people i do have as friends (the ones who i have to text first, etc.) i could honestly live without. i see/talk to them so rarely that its like whats the point. the times we do interact it takes so much emotional input on my part that it just brings me down. i want a friend group sooo bad. like three or four friends who i can hang out with, we’ll have a group chat that lasts more than a month, and we’ll do whatever fun shit friends get to do.

i keep telling myself that i’ll have friends once i go to college but thats in like a year and a half?? and i can just picture myself freaking out in the weeks leading up to school starting, thinking that i’ll never make friends in college. and people tell me im being stupid and that of course im going to make friends, but the past few years havent shown me that!!!

sorry yall im just really emotional and i have a TON pent up but i cant seem to cry anymore and i feel like im on the verge of tears but i Cant and it sucks. and school is stressing me out and i think i probably have adhd which is getting in the way of everything and i have a huge thing this weekend and im Not prepared but i cant seem to get myself to DO ANYTHING i just sit in bed all day and lie to my mom about my assignments and i want to die i have a 4 page paper due in the morning that i havent started and fjwawkfjweioafjeiwofjiwoa

((((((it probably doesnt seem like ti but this feels really good to get out. i just wish i could dooooooo something)))))))