#and i want to finish my phd and then go open an outdoor school or something similar and work outside the rest of my life

[e-b-reads]

...every conversation for the next three years was about how it must be a big change being in Oxford after working on the fells each day. I had a good evening talking to [a professor] and at the end he said, 'Oh well, I imagine you will miss it.' I told him that I hadn't stopped doing it, that I was going back. He seemed quite confused by this.

- The Shepherd's Life, James Rebanks

[beanarie]

⭐star⭐⭐star⭐⭐star⭐⭐star⭐⭐star⭐ (or talk more about and/all of your Elementary WIPs/ideas bc I want every single drop I can get)

so i totally wrote about joan having breast cancer a couple years ago. here’s the bits i cobbled together, some of which also disappeared from my phone, which tells me i need to back my shit up more often!

~

The call comes while her stitches from her lumpectomy and lymph node removal are still in place and hurting like a mother and she's only too aware of Sherlock, his terror an acrid smell in her nose. She's told it's not what they hoped, but it's not hopeless, and she barely pauses at all before she looks at Sherlock, smiles, and says, "It's fine."

He's so grateful he takes her out for lunch. They go to a cafe with an outdoor area that he knows she's been eyeing for months.  She orders a giant salad with extra pecans and he wrinkles his nose before telling a story about Thomas Jefferson's penchant for giving pecans as gifts.

The call comes while her stitches from her lumpectomy and lymph node removal are still in place and hurting like a mother and she's only too aware of Sherlock, his terror an acrid smell in her nose. She's told it's not what they hoped, but it's not hopeless, and she barely pauses at all before she looks at Sherlock, smiles, and says, "It's fine."

He's so grateful he takes her out for lunch. They go to a cafe with an outdoor area that he knows she's been eyeing for months.  She orders a giant salad with extra pecans and he wrinkles his nose before telling a story about Thomas Jefferson's penchant for giving pecans as gifts.

[the truth comes out in a week or so!]

"We should talk about this."

He closes the file in his hand and tosses it on the stack. 

"I-I'm sorry I kept you in the dark. I needed to get the full results and figure out what to do next, without... I don't know. Background noise."

"It's not that serious. People with results like mine have a ninety-three percent chance of remaining cancer-free after treatment. Really, it's barely cancer." 

"I mean, yes. Several weeks of radiation, sprinkled with tests and maybe a PET scan or two. Still, not particularly life-derailing. I'm going to work. The only real change will be to my availability. And I won't be able to leave the city, except maybe on the weekends. Overall, we'll simply get more use out of face-time than we did before."

A series of short, shallow nods urges her to let the other shoe drop.

Joan adjusts her gaze to slightly beyond his left ear. "I've asked Lin to help me find a place to sublet for the next two months."

His only reaction is the barely perceptible droop of his shoulders.

"I'm not leaving you." The first time she meant to leave the brownstone, he abducted a contract killer, then tortured and stabbed him. The second time, he went back to London for almost a year with no notice beyond a short Dear Joan letter. She can't handle one of his signature extreme overreactions. "Sherlock, it's really important you absorb that, if nothing else."

"But you do plan on leaving."

"It's the least disruptive option for both of us. And it's only temporary."

[the next day, joan gets home and in the library there's a stack of books, dvds, and cd's on wellness-type things and other stuff, like a giant fluffy orange blanket on the couch. sherlock explains he did some research, orange is a calming color. also OK HE RESPECTS HER CHOICES but. she's not a disruption, she's family. also also moving is one of the most stress-inducing acts a person can put themselves through and it wouldn't be good for her recovery to do that twice in as many months. anyway, she stays.]

"We should formulate a safety plan."

Joan finishes the line she was working on and clicks save so she doesn't have to end up doing this report all over again. This has his second sponsor written all over it. Rashida, having completed her PHD, has been taking classes in behavioral science possibly with an eye for a new specialty. She means well, and she and Sherlock get each other like a pair of esoteric intellectuals only could. It's still strange to get confirmation that he talks about her illness with other people. "A safety plan."

"Yes! A short, memorable list of agreed upon actions in the case of emergent medical and/or emotional, um, turmoil."

"We never had a safety plan for you."

 "Didn't we?"

"Fine, so you'll let me pass out wherever I drop and just leave a protein bar by my head so I don't die of hypoglycemic shock when I wake up two days later."

"That's all you did?"

"So I'll let you know if I'm not feeling well and up to whatever's going on." His expression is unreadable, which is rare. "What? You implied pretty heavily that you wanted me to."

Incomprehensibly, his expression becomes almost sad. "That's why you remain so closed off, because of my history of resistance to..." 

"Okay, this conversation swerved past making sense. I tell you things all the time. This morning, with your cereal?"

"When *truly* bothered, you keep it to yourself and speak to no one, unless I draw it out of you."

"I speak up when I have something to say. And, I will."

-

"Have you considered cutting your hair?" 

"I'm not getting chemo, Mom. I told you."

"I know. It's just so much to take care of. My cousin Darlene, she had radiation. It drained her. You'll be tired."

"You've always wanted me to cut my hair."

Her expression grows softer, more wistful. "I do like it shorter." 

"I remember." Ruefully her entire catalogue of school photos scrolls through her memory. Mom's rule had been adamant and easy to follow: Never past the chin. "I'm not doing that again."

"Okay. Your choice." 

Joan doesn't rise to the hint of passive-aggression. 

A few hours later, she gets home from treatment, she takes a shower, and she tries to see tonight playing out in a possible near future. She adds imaginary weights to her wrists and ankles, and the almost unbearable weariness after watching a murderer get to go home scot-free. 

"Fine," she tells her reflection. 

She puts her mom on FaceTime, so she can see the results.

Her mom squints. "You didn't cut that much."

"Four inches." Just enough so she doesn't have to strain to get the brush through while she's blow drying.

“Hm.“

“Anyway, I’ll see you Thursday for tea, Mom?“

-

Lord save her from aspiring criminals who think they're too cool for the interrogation room. Anthony Raymond has been stonewalling them since Bell brought him in. What makes this especially annoying is he won't even ask for a lawyer. They'd tell him to spill his guts, or at least start negotiations for a deal. This nothingness isn't ideal when she has to take off for treatment soon. If she doesn't get this nut cracked before she goes, it'll be hanging over her head for the rest of the afternoon.

The door opens. Anthony doesn't move a muscle. Gregson enters bearing an extra-large fountain drink, a pen, and a piece of paper. He sits, thoughtfully configuring these objects around his immediate space. It takes a full thirty seconds, during which he doesn't acknowledge Anthony at all. He slides the paper toward Joan.

'Paige made you a smoothie. Not sure what's in this, but she swears by it.'

Joan glances at Anthony as though she learned something important, then looks back at the note. "Hm." She takes the pen. 'I'm good. Thank you both.'

'Holmes said you haven't really eaten yet.' He pushes the drink about an inch in her direction.

Joan makes two straight lines, one each for 'I'm' and 'Good'. 

[perp eventually cracks because their note-passing is freaking him out]

[slightly later, joan brings the smoothie into gregson's office. he asks what she thought of it. she says "i didn't try it" and throws it in the garbage.]

-

It's Saturday, the end of her first week of treatment, and there aren't any murders. Joan texts the guy she liked from TrueRomantix, the one who came to check that she was safe when Everyone doxxed her and hacked her profile. He's still cute. She can't remember exactly why they didn't sleep together the last time, something about it not feeling right. Meanwhile he fosters seeing-eye dogs and he has the best pectorals she's ever seen.

She takes off her bra, but leaves the camisole. It's dark in his bedroom, but not too dark for either of them to see her scars or the semi-circle constellation of radiation tattoos. At one point she guides his hand underneath to her right breast. When he goes for the left, she distracts with a move that almost has his eyes bugging out of his head.

"Wow," he breathes.

When they're done, he doesn't push her to leave *or* ask her why she isn't staying. They'll be doing this again sometime.

-

[another patient in the waiting room at the radiation clinic starts having a medical emergency. joan immediately jumps forward to help and the patient's mom looks at her like who the fuck are you. it sticks with her the whole rest of the afternoon.]

She's been in a position where people have doubted her expertise before, many times. But never because she was meant to be on the other side. She's a patient, that's her role now.

Briefly she considers lying. The Uber app is acting weird, something like that. She settles on a simple, 'Are you busy?'

She gets her reply in less than thirty seconds. 'Need a ride?'

When Marcus arrives at the clinic, he touches her arm and kisses her cheek, a note of intimacy between close friends. It feels natural, even though his customary greeting, usually at crime scenes or the bull pen, is a brusquely friendly "Hey." They communicate mainly in nods and smiles intended only for each other, cups of coffee as close to the way they like it as limited resources will allow. 

After they settle into the car, he doesn't turn the engine on right away. He waits, unobtrusively.  

"I don't want to disrupt any plans you might've had for today," she says.

He lifts one shoulder. "Just a pickup game. Nothing I can't put off for another week."

"Actually..."

He turns his head. "Hm?"

She was warned not to expect anything fancy. No bleachers, not much crowd. Kids of varying ages drift by, many popping in and out of the tiny storefronts. 

She can't remember the last time she simply existed in public when she wasn't jogging or staking out a criminal. The open air feels refreshing. Not one of these people care that she used to be a doctor.

After the first quarter, she asks to borrow the chair of a guy selling hats, scarves, and phone chargers from a folding table. He was spending most of his time at the halal cart talking to the man stuck inside anyway.

-

The chair is comfortable. The lighting tasteful. Joan's shoes feel fine. The mid-level exec at the other end of the table isn't stonewalling in the slightest. His voice could almost be called soothing. 

All those other things aside, if this meeting doesn't end in the next few minutes she is going to jump out the window. 

Her knee bouncing, she shifts her upper body in a way that's hopefully not that visible to anyone else. It doesn't help, in fact the resulting movement of her bra over her left boob makes her want to scream.

"We appreciate your elucidation on Mr. Wallach's movements last Tuesday." Joan nearly bites her lip at the growing light at the end of the tunnel. "Now if you could tell us about the lawsuit from three months ago. Sexual harassment, was it not?"

Joan gets to her feet with a repressed groan. Then she runs for the receptionist. "Restroom?"

She's just stepped inside the single stall and slid the lock into place when she hears the deathly urgent, "WATSON???"

She curses fluently inside her head and undoes the lock, just in case. "Sherlock! I'm o-"

And he's barreled through the open door.

"What the hell!" She pulls together the unbuttoned half of her shirt. 

"I thought-" Over Sherlock's shoulder, a security guard starts coming into view. "What-what are you doing?"

"Sorry." Her face will probably remain this garish shade of red for...ever. "I'm, uh, peeling. Itch is driving me crazy."

He blinks, adrenaline making him shake slightly and keeping him from comprehending. "What?!"

"The only emergency right now is my imminent death by mortification." Her left hand tightly curled to protect her modesty, she makes a shooing motion with her right. "Go away."

He turns toward the door, then stops. "I've done the reading. If you have developed a rash, or the beginnings of dermatitis, scratching is highly inad-"

"OUT."

-

Lin greets her at the bar in her signature neurotically enthusiastic way. After tilting her head a little, she agrees to sit at a booth rather than stay near the bartender, where she loves to try out her charms to get free drinks for the two of them.

"I've never seen you go hard like this." She's waiting on the server to bring her second martini and Joan's third whiskey. "You look tired."

Joan waits until after the drinks have arrived. "Thanks, I had cancer."

"What?"

"Had," she repeats. "Had. As of yesterday, it's past tense. When I'm done with this course of radiation, I'll be free." She knocks on the table. "Until the follow-ups." 

Lin gets up to go to the bathroom without a word. Joan downs her drink and orders another round. To Lin's credit, she beats the server back to the table.

"So those times you said you couldn't meet up because you had cases..."

"One, oncologist appointment and two, actually a case. Sorry."

"You told your brother, didn't you?"

Because Joan is three drinks in, she doesn't hold anything back from her eyeroll. Her siblings having no relationship with each other is not on her. "That's different."

"Because he's real."

"Because he lives two hundred miles away! I didn't have to see...that. That expression, in my face, all the time."

"You could've died and I would never have known you were sick."

Joan snorts. "I was never *dying*." There was that period between her biopsy and the results of her lumpectomy, when decades-old memories of various patients, poor souls fading in front of her eyes, resurfaced every hour. Lin didn't need to be there for that.

"Look." Joan kisses Lin noisily on the cheek. "I just got the best news of my life and I wanted MY SISTER here with to celebrate being Officially. Cancer. Free!"

A table of young men nearby let out a cheer. Lin smiles in spite of herself.

-

Joan wakes up naturally. 

She spends a few minutes watching him. Many people say they'll sleep anywhere, but Sherlock actually will. And he never shows a single sign of stiffness or back pain. She envies him that, even as she acknowledges that she'd still prefer a bed, even if there were no consequences to sleeping on the floor. 

"Is this just the first time I caught you?" Her voice is husky from sleep. 

He springs to his feet. "Oh!" He runs off, returning no more than six minutes later with breakfast.

After placing the tray on the bed, he stands at her side, stiff and silent like a brooding Lurch. "What, no speech?" she teases.

He takes in a shaky breath. "It has been quite some time since I lost the ability to imagine a life without you in it. Gratitude isn't sufficient enough to describe how it feels to know this is a concern I can put off for another day."

"Oh, Sherlock." 

"These past few weeks have been fraught, for you." She gives a start. This has taken an unexpected turn. "Full of pain and fear, the reopening of old wounds. You've conducted yourself so admirably. My respect for you, which had appeared to reach its zenith years ago, I find had untold heights yet to climb." He leans toward her, his hand cradling the back of her head while his lips press against her hairline. 

He disengages, turning his back and she makes a tentative grab for his hand. He freezes in place, not resisting. "I love you, too," she says thickly, shoving aside tears.

Joan doesn't remember having done anything remotely admirable. She's been tired and snappish, she forced everyone to cater to her, she stopped doing her fair share of the work. The one person she tried to help didn't need her. It's been weeks since she felt like she existed for any worthwhile reason. 

Maybe that's why it's good to see herself through his eyes, just this once. She squeezes his hand, then quickly lets go, taking pity on him. Plucking the cloth napkin from the tray and pressing it against her eyes, she laughs. "So this was your plan for my last day? Get my face all blotchy just in time to go in there and say goodbye to all those people?"

"What does it matter? You'll never see them again.

[dnkaus]

Fateful Visions | Chapter 13: Infatuation

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff (eventually)

Previous Part: Chapter Twelve  Next Part: Chapter Fourteen 

After the conversation with Namjoon, Maya truly grasped the reality of her own situation. She realized she was going on a date the next day. She also realized this was no ordinary date. This was a date with Kim Namjoon. Was this really happening? Had she really been just asked out on a date by Kim Namjoon? As Maya came in terms with her reality her blood pressure started going up. She began to question everything. She began to realize she didn’t even know where he was taking her on the date. She had no idea how she should dress or what they would be doing on their date. Maya started to panic. Why didn’t she ask him where they were going? How could she be so stupid?!

Meanwhile, Namjoon was also almost as much stressed as Maya. He had managed to ask her on the date, but he had no idea where he was taking her either. Namjoon did what every other millennial does when they are unsure about things: he searched the web for the best places he could take Maya on a date. He also had to pick a place that was secluded so that they could be alone without anyone knowing. No fans or paparazzi. Namjoon decided they could go on a hike on a small trail near Inwangsan mountain. That trail was usually pretty empty and would be an easier stroll for the two of them. He hoped that Maya was okay with their date being somewhat less fancy. It was just hard for him as an idol to go to public places. Nonetheless, Namjoon decided to ask Maya what she thought about his idea. Namjoon texted Maya around 2am, thinking that she was probably asleep by that time and that he would probably just end up receiving an answer the next day. However, Maya could not sleep at all after their phone conversation, and so she was wide awake when she received the message from Namjoon.

Once again, Maya had somehow managed to subtly read Namjoon’s mind. Maya knew what Namjoon meant when he said go to sleep. In fact, her response was supposed to be for Namjoon’s original message that he didn’t end up sending.

Maya’s heart was full after that text conversation. Namjoon would never know just how grateful Maya felt when he asked her about how she felt about hiking. This was new to Maya. With Caleb, things rarely went the way Maya wanted. The fact that Namjoon was so considerate of Maya’s likes and dislikes just made Maya less nervous about her choice.

On the other hand, Maya would never know just how grateful Namjoon was to know that she was okay with them just going hiking. Namjoon was worried, because Ji Hyu was not really into nature and she hated outdoor activities. It was good to know that with Maya at least Namjoon would be able to be more of himself.

Soon the time arrived when Namjoon was supposed to pick up Maya. He had just finished his schedules for the day and had told the members he was going to go hiking with his other idol friends. Truth be told, members were getting more and more suspicious of Namjoon’s behavior. Besides, Yoongi no one really knew what was happening.

Namjoon also messaged Maya that he was leaving, before he left, just to give her a warning that he was coming over. Namjoon wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable. He wanted to make sure that she did not regret giving their relationship a chance.

When Namjoon arrived to Maya’s apartment, Maya was all ready to go. Maya had especially went shopping just for the outfit she would wear for their date. She was afraid that her usual clothes would fall flat compared to Namjoon’s high end wardrobe. In fact, that was one of Maya’s biggest worry going into this relationship. She was worried she would not be able to keep up with Namjoon’s elite idol lifestyle. Nonetheless, she was trying her best. Little did she know that Namjoon could care less what type of clothes Maya wore, so when she walked out with her unusually expensive outfit, Namjoon was slightly confused.

Namjoon didn’t say anything when Maya came towards the car. Again, his main priority was to make sure Maya felt comfortable with him and besides she looked amazing, so he had no reason to comment. At least not now. Namjoon went around to open the door to the passenger side seat for his new lady friend. Maya was caught by surprise at his gesture even though he had done the same thing the last time they rode together.

“Here you go,” Namjoon said while opening the door.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I can open the door” Maya replied.

“I know you are completely capable of opening your own doors, and might even be better than me at opening doors. But still, I wanted to. Please, if it’s okay with you. Can this be our thing?” Namjoon asked gently.

“Our thing?” Maya asked, her heart fluttered a little with the way words sounded when they came out of Namjoon’s mouth.

“Uh, nevermind...maybe that was a bit too forward. I am sorry! I won’t do this if it makes you uncomfortable. I just--” Namjoon was doing that thing again and Maya realized so she stopped him.

“Namjoon, you are fine. You can open the door for me, but in return I get to have a ‘our thing’ too” Maya smiled. She was good at bargaining.

Namjoon tilted his head, indicating that he was taking her offer into consideration. “Alright, what type of thing?” Namjoon asked.

“Hmmm, I am not sure yet, but I will let you know when I find it.” Maya answered.

“Hmm, alright. Well, for now let’s head out, shall we?” Namjoon responded.

Maya nodded and sat down in the car. Namjoon closed the door once Maya was settled and went back to the driver’s side seat.

Soon they were off to Inwangsan mountain trail. At first, both of them were quiet, as they didn’t know what would be an appropriate topic to talk about. They had always stuck to topics like books and literature, but they both knew they eventually needed to branch into other conversations if they planned on getting to know each other. Hence, they both took the first few minutes to figure out what to say. Eventually, Namjoon came up with a topic they had not previously talked about much.

“So, do you really have 5 siblings?” Namjoon asked. He assumed he should know at least a little bit more about her family if they were going to date.

Maya laughed. “Yep, I do and they are all brilliant.”

“Oh, really? More brilliant than you? I doubt it.” Namjoon looked over at Maya with his hands still on the steering wheel.

“Oh, but it’s true. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Two of my sisters are studying to be a doctor. One wants to be an anesthesiologist and the other wants to be gastrointestinologist. Both are twins and they just applied for a Doctors without Borders program in Cambodia. My other sister is in the pre-law program at UCLA and she wants to study immigration law so she can help those who get wrongfully deported from America. One of my brothers wants to work for NASA, and has already received an internship from NASA, even though he is only a sophomore in high school. And my youngest brother is only 14, but he builds computers as a hobby. I am telling you, my siblings are way more brilliant than me.” Maya explained.

Namjoon gulped after hearing the background of each of Maya’s siblings. He imagined what it would be like if he met any of them. Would they ever approve of Maya dating someone who has only studied music? He tried to shake away the thought as he was worried he would have a panic attack just thinking about it.

“Wow, you do have quite a family. But that doesn’t mean you are any less brilliant.” Namjoon retorted.

“Namjoon, you don’t have to lie just because we are...you know…” Maya couldn’t finish her sentence. The word ‘date’ made her heart beat too fast and she didn’t want to have a heart attack while she was on a date. Maya blushed and looked down at her hands.

“We are on a what?” Namjoon immediately noticed Maya’s hesitation in using the word ‘date, and so he decided he had to take this opportunity to tease her about it.

“We are...you know” Maya still couldn’t say it. She bit her lips and looked outside her window. She could feel Namjoon staring at her but she wouldn’t dare look at Namjoon.

“I am not sure what you mean?” Namjoon was starting to enjoy this game.

Maya sighed and looked back at him. “Why are you doing this?” she asked in a frustrated voice. Of course, Namjoon found her frustration even more adorable.

“I am not doing anything though. What did I do? I am just asking since you didn’t finish the sentence.” Namjoon answered with a smile, and he shrugged his shoulders while his hands remained on the steering wheel.

“Fine. I’ll say it. You don’t need to lie to me just because we are on a…(inhales) date” The last part of the sentence came out as more of a mumble. She again became shy, and started staring out the window.

Namjoon couldn’t control his laughter at Maya’s response. How can someone be just so cute?  He thought. “Anyways, I wasn’t lying when I said you are brilliant. Pursuing your PhD in writing isn’t a small feat.” Namjoon decided to get back to the original conversation.

“I guess…. But writing isn’t really viewed as a good career in my family.  My parents always say I am wasting my potential.” Maya’s face became glum as she thought about her parents’ reaction when she told them she wanted to become a writer.

“I understand. At the beginning my parents also had a hard time accepting my choice of pursuing music.” Namjoon replied.

“They did? How did you convince them?” Maya asked.

“I don’t know. I think my mom saw how happy I was when I was with my music and she realized it was more important for me to be happy.” Namjoon answered.

“Hm, well I am grateful you pursued music, because who knows what this world would have done without your music.” Maya thought back to the night when she wanted to break up with Caleb. It was BTS’s lyrics that had given her the motivation to break up with him. The messages in their songs were what kept so many people going.

Maya’s words tugged at Namjoon’s heart. “Thanks. I guess I wouldn’t have been able to meet you either if it wasn’t for my music.” Namjoon looked over once again.

This time Maya returned the look and a small smile spread across her face. “I guess not.”

The rest of the car ride was quiet again. It wasn’t the awkward silence. It was a reflective silence. Both of them were just thinking of all the things and decisions that had led them where they are.

Soon Namjoon pulled the car towards a small parking space in front of a park. He parked the car, put on his mask, grabbed his backpack from the backseat, and said “here we are. The trail is actually a bit farther away, but this is the only place for us to park, so hope you don’t mind the walk.”

“Of course, not. We are here to hike anyways!” Maya said as she  picked up her bag from her lap and  tried to open the car door. However, before she could open the door, Namjoon suddenly appeared by her door.

“This is our thing remember?” Namjoon reminded Maya as he held the door while Maya got out of the car.

“Are you seriously going to do this every time?” Maya asked while laughing.

Namjoon aggressively nodded.

“I am going to need some time to get used to this” Maya replied.

“No worries. Take your time. What’s the rush?” Namjoon assured.

Maya gave a slight nod and looked away, her heart was still beating fast. She tried to calm down her nerves as they both began walking towards the trail. However, there was just no end to Maya’s nervousness.

Halfway towards the trail Namjoon suddenly stopped and opened his backpack.

“What happened?” Maya asked out of curiosity.

Namjoon pulled out two water bottles and handed one to Maya. “Here take this, in case you get thirsty.”

Maya laughed as she took the water bottle in her hand. Namjoon gave her a confused look.

Maya explained the reason for her laughter by opening her bag and pulling  out two water bottles. “I have one for you too.” Maya said as she handed Namjoon one.

Namjoon also laughed. “Great minds think alike!” Namjoon said.

“Especially when they have 98% same biorhythms.” Maya added.

Both stopped and laughed for a while. “I guess I won’t be needing this one then.” Namjoon said as he  put the water bottle he brought for himself back into his backpack.

“Same here.” Maya also put the one she had brought for herself back into her bag.

Both exchanged a smile  for a second and continued walking. Soon they arrived at the trail.

“Here it is.” Namjoon said once they got to the front of the trail. There were brochures and maps at the front for hikers to grab before they started their journey. Maya immediately went and grabbed every brochure she saw. There were some about the history of the town, some about the trail, and the maps were about all the different routes they could take to reach the mountain. Maya started reading. Namjoon also joined in and both started talking about the different things they were learning about the place. After a few minutes, Namjoon realized they should probably pick a route and start hiking.

“So, should we start? Which route do you want to try?” Namjoon asked.

Maya looked at the map and tried to decide the route she preferred. “Umm, maybe route B? There is also a view of the lake if we take this route” Maya suggested. It was the route that she thought would be most scenic.

“Okay that works for me.” Namjoon agreed. “Let’s go.”

Namjoon and Maya started their hike. Both of them focusing on their surroundings. Every now and then both of them would point out something they saw or stop to take pictures of the scenery. At one point, Maya saw a grasshopper on a leaf so she stopped and went towards it to take a look. “Woah, look at this little fellow.” Maya said. As she observed the colors. Unlike other grasshoppers this one was colorful. Maya became absorbed in the beauty. She pulled out her phone and started taking pictures. However, instead of the grasshopper, Namjoon was more intrigued by Maya’s reaction to it. Namjoon also pulled out his phone. However, his subject was Maya, not the grasshopper. He wanted to capture Maya’s curious expressions. Her eyes were focused on the little bug and she was so absorbed in the moment that she didn’t notice Namjoon taking her picture.

“He is so pretty!” Maya said she finally looked up at Namjoon. As she did, Namjoon quickly tried to hide his phone to prevent her from knowing that he was taking her picture. But it was too late. Maya became suspicious.

“What were you doing?” Maya asked.

Namjoon was terrible at lying his expressions were flustered and he didn’t know how to hide it. “Umm, nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.” Namjoon responded.

“What were you doing with your phone then?” Maya asked. She folded her arms.

“Oh, I was just looking up what type of grasshopper it was.” Namjoon tried to come up with a reasonable excuse.

“You were taking a picture of me weren’t you” Maya squinted her eyes and looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon gulped. Crap! She knew!

“No...I wasn’t” Namjoon gave one more futile attempt at hiding the truth.

“Delete it!” Maya demanded.

“But why?” Namjoon asked.

“Just delete it! Please!” Maya pouted.

“But...but I don’t have any pictures of you…and you looked so cute…please let me keep it” Namjoon pouted back.

Maya started making whiny noises, which were even more adorable. Namjoon was afraid he would melt and give in to her puppy face. But he knew he had to hold his ground. He really wanted to keep that picture.

Maya continued to whine  “No, it’s not fair. I don’t have any pictures of you either!” Maya said.

“Are you kidding me? You can just google my name and get a billion pictures of me a thousand different angles. At least let me keep this one” Namjoon argued back

“Uggh, fine. You are getting away this time mister, but now I am watching you.” She pointed at Namjoon and warned him. Then she continued to walk ahead. “ Aish, it’s probably such an ugly picture.” Maya mumbled to herself.

“It wasn’t ugly! I don’t know how to take ugly pictures! See” Namjoon pulled out his phone and showed her the picture. Namjoon was right. It was beautiful. The trees in the background, and Maya’s glowing skin under the small beams of sunlight that peaked through the canopy of the forest made her look beautiful. Her attention was on the rainbow colored grasshopper and there was a small smile on her face. It was perfect.

Maya carefully looked at the picture and then rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I am watching you Kim Namjoon. Don’t try this tactic again.” Maya reminded.

“Yes, Ma’am!” Namjoon jokingly put his hands up in the air as a gesture that he was retreating. He couldn’t stop smiling knowing that he had still gotten to keep the picture.

Maya scrunched her face and continued walking. The two of them continued to walk until they reached a stream. Namjoon was about to step over the stream until he saw Maya’s hesitation.

She gulped when she saw how wide the stream was. She wasn’t sure how she would cross it. There was a rock in the middle, but it was covered in moss and the force of the water was strong. She was worried she would fall. Namjoon knew exactly what was going through Maya’s head.  Namjoon slowly went ahead and stood on the rock that was in the middle of the stream. It was wide enough to fit both of them. Then he reached out towards Maya. “Give me your hand.” He said.

Maya looked at him with hesitation. She shook her head. “It’s okay.”

“Maya, just trust me. I won’t let you fall.  Just give me your hand” Namjoon insisted with a demanding voice.

Maya gulped and slowly put her hand into Namjoon’s. Namjoon grabbed her delicate hand tightly and slowly pulled her forward. Maya gently stepped towards the rock where Namjoon was standing. They were both standing close. So close that Maya could hear Namjoon’s heartbeat. So close that Namjoon was tempted to pull her into a hug, but he was trying to resist. That was until Maya almost lost her balance, so Namjoon quickly put his hand around her waist to keep her steady and Maya grabbed onto Namjoon’s shirt to keep her balance.

“I got you. You are okay” Namjoon assured as he felt the panic in Maya’s body language and noticed how tightly she was holding on to his shirt. Holy cow, was this real? Why did it feel so right? She didn’t want him to let go. He didn’t want to either. But he eventually had to for him to go forward.

Namjoon slowly let go of her waist and took another step towards the other side of the stream. He was still holding on to Maya’s hand, but she was feeling scared again as she was alone on the slippery rock. “You are still good. You are okay.” Namjoon kept mumbling as he went  to the other side.

Once he was on the other side. He gently tugged on Maya’s hand, to gesture her to come to the other side. She followed by slowly stepping forward. Namjoon even reached out his other hand in case Maya wanted to hold it. She took the offer and now was holding both of her hands with Namjoon’s.

She then reached the other side and let out a sigh of relief, while she continued to hold both of Namjoon’s hands. She realized within the next split second and let go immediately with her face becoming bright red. “I am so sorry. Thank you for helping.” Maya quickly put her hands in her jacket pocket and  looked away. Namjoon was a little disappointed when Maya let go of his hand. He wanted to hold it longer.

“You can hold it longer...if... if you want.” Namjoon blurted out his selfish thought.

Maya immediately looked back at him. Her heart was pounding, but when her eyes met his chocolatey brown orbs she couldn’t feel any nervousness. Of course, she wanted to hold his hand longer and it was clearly written all over her face. Namjoon read her expressions, and he smiled and held out his hand again. Maya looked at his hand, gently tucked one of the strands of hair behind her ear, and put her hand gently into his again. Namjoon pulled her closer beside him and they started walking again. Both were careful not to make eye contact while the held hands. They just walked quietly. Enjoying each other’s company.

Soon the trail ended and they reached the exit. “Welp, we made it!” Namjoon said.

“Wow, is it already over?” Maya questioned as she gently let go of Namjoon’s hand.

“Why? did you want it to go on longer?” Namjoon jokingly asked.

“No...I mean...it was fun” Maya hesitantly replied.

“Yeah it was. I am glad you had fun too.” Namjoon felt relieved.

“I guess we should head back.” Maya said.

“Yeah we should.” Namjoon agreed.

They both got to the car and again, Namjoon opened Maya’s door before she could even think about it.  Maya laughed and sat down. Then he came around and sat down on the driver’s side.

Namjoon started driving. It was quiet until Maya requested that Namjoon play his music in the car.

“I always like the songs your recommend on Twitter” Maya told Namjoon.

“You do?” Namjoon was surprised to hear.

“Yeah I think almost all of them are on my phone.” Maya said.

Namjoon felt thrilled to know that Maya liked the type of music he listened to. He loved sharing his music with the world, and it felt like now he had someone close that he could share his music with too. It warmed his heart.

Namjoon again reached out and took Maya’s hand into his. “May I?” He asked.

Maya smiled, nodded, and intertwined her fingers with his tightening the grip. It felt so right.

The two then began to talk about their childhood days. They talked about Maya’s life in California and Namjoon’s life in Ilsan. They talked about Namjoon’s trainee days and Maya’s undergraduate experiences. They shared anything and everything that came to mind. No filtering and no hesitation. Their conversations were just falling into place.

Unfortunately, the car ride eventually came to an end when they arrived back at Maya’s apartment. Namjoon sighed. “I guess here we are.”

“Yeah, time keeps flying by too quickly.” Maya noted.

Namjoon decided to at least drop off Maya till her apartment door. He was trying to buy as much time with her as he could. They walked upstairs together to her apartment and stopped when they reached the door.

“Maya…thanks for giving me a chance” Namjoon said almost in a whisper to make sure none of the neighbors heard them.

“Thank you for today” Maya whispered back.

“Does this mean you’ll go on another date with me?” Namjoon asked. Maya was looking at her feet, but Namjoon saw the shy smile that spread across her face. She simply nodded.

“Maybe you can plan next time, if you want” Namjoon suggested.

“Really?” Maya’s eyes lit up as she looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon suddenly became worried. There were not many places he could go with her, he thought he should tell her that they can’t go anywhere with a lot of crowd.

“It’s just...we have to be careful. We can’t go out where there are…”

“I know. Actually, I am not sure how you would feel about it...but can I ever come see your studio?”

Namjoon was surprised at Maya’s request. Of all the things she could have asked. She wanted to come see the place where he felt the most comfortable. It was as if she had read his mind.

“You really want to come to my studio?” Namjoon asked, his eyes were wide in surprise.

“Of course. I want to see where you create all your masterpieces.” Maya laughed.

Namjoon smiled. “Ah, I wouldn’t call them that...but I would love for you to come see it.”

Maya quietly clapped her hands. “Eeee, I am so excited!”

“You’re silly!” Namjoon shook his head. He couldn’t understand why she was so excited to see it.

Maya merely laughed and slowly started unlocking her door. She wanted to spend more time with him. She didn’t want him to leave. But she knew he would eventually have to. “I guess I should head in.” She said.

“Alright. I will see you next time.” Namjoon waved and started walking away from Maya’s apartment. Maya stood there for a moment. She felt like she already missed him even though he was only just a few steps away.

“Namjoon…” Maya called out his name before he started heading downstairs. Namjoon stopped in his tracks and turned around.

“What is it?” He asked.

Maya had no idea what she was doing. She just went along with what her mind told her. She went up to Namjoon and gestured him to lean closer to her. Namjoon was confused but he followed Maya’s directions. She leaned into his ear and whispered “I like you.”

A really bright smile formed on Namjoon’s face as he comprehended Maya’s words. And as soon as the dimples appeared, Maya leaned in again, gave him a quick peck on his right dimple, and ran away while saying “you’re silly too!” and closed her apartment door behind her.

Namjoon was so astonished he couldn’t move for a good while. He just touched his cheek where he still felt warmth from Maya’s soft lips. He was so disoriented that he almost stumbled down the stairs. He wanted to scream and shout with joy, but he couldn’t. He had to somehow drive to his house without having a complete meltdown.

Meanwhile, Maya had a meltdown after she realized what she actually did. She had no idea why she did what she did. She collapsed onto her bed and hid her face in the pillow trying not to  think about what she had just done. She couldn’t believe it. She had just given a kiss on the cheek to Kim Namjoon. Had she gone crazy? Perhaps she had.

The rest of the night both Maya and Namjoon were submerged in the euphoria from their date.

Few days later

As per Maya’s request, Namjoon picked out a day when she can come to his studio without any of the other members knowing. This time happened to be late at night. He had told Maya they had to meet at night so that there wouldn’t be other staff or members there. Maya understood.

Maya had insisted that she would just meet him at the studio as it wasn’t very far from Maya’s apartment. Namjoon had told her to call him, when she got there so he could let her into the building.

Maya arrived 5 minutes before their decided time and called Namjoon. Namjoon was busy organizing his studio, making sure everything was perfect. He didn’t want anything out of place. Still when Maya called, his heart began to beat faster.

“Hello! I am here” Maya said as he picked up the phone.

“Hey, I’ll be right out” Namjoon said.

“Okay, see you soon” Maya said.

Namjoon half ran to the front door of the building and before opening the door put his hand on his heart trying to calm himself down. Truth be told, he was still not over their last date.  Maya’s sweet parting gift from last time still had left Namjoon intoxicated. How would he see her today without melting?

Nonetheless, with shaky knees and butterflies in his stomach, Namjoon opened the door and found Maya’s smiling face.

“Hi…” Namjoon managed to mutter.

“Hi…how are you?” Maya asked.

“I am...I am good” Namjoon answered.

Namjoon opened the door wider so he could let her in. She stepped inside the building feeling a bit overwhelmed. She couldn’t believe this was the BigHit Entertainment building. She couldn’t believe she was stepping into the world that she knew almost nothing about just couple years ago.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asked as they started walking towards the studio.

“Nothing, I just can’t believe I am in this place.” Maya said.

“Why?” Namjoon asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just hard to believe everything that’s happened the past few days.” Maya answered as she adjusted the shoulder strap of the bag she was carrying.

Namjoon nodded. “I understand.”

Eventually they reached the studio and Namjoon unlocked the door and led Maya inside. Suddenly Maya felt a wave of familiarity wash over her. She remembered she had seen this room in some of her visions.

“Here it is. My safe haven.” Namjoon introduced his studio.

Maya smiled and looked around at all the little figurines and collectables. Maya knew about Namjoon’s obsession with collecting KAWS toys. She found it incredibly precious and also thought it impressive how many he had managed to collect.

“I hope my collections don’t scare you away.” Namjoon joked.

“Nah, this doesn’t scare me. You haven’t seen my collection of stamps.I understand the obsession”

“Wait, really? I didn’t know you collected stamps. You’ll have to show me sometime” Namjoon asked.

“Sure...my book is at my apartment.” Maya replied and continued observing the studio. She was careful not to touch anything and just looked from distance. Namjoon also had some gifts from fans that he had on display, along with a picture of BTS and his family. Maya and Namjoon had talked about his family during their last date. It was clear that Namjoon was close with his mom.

Namjoon just let Maya look around for a bit and then asked “So, what do you think?

“Oh, sorry...I just got carried away. It’s awesome in here. It feels like...it feels like you” Maya responded.

Namjoon nodded in intrigue. “Interesting. And what do I feel like?” Namjoon asked.

Maya thought for a second. After her bold move during their first date, Maya was slowly letting go of her walls around Namjoon. “I guess this might come off as a little weird but you feel like a sanctuary” Maya responded the word that came to mind every time she tried to describe how she felt when she was around him. It was a feeling of both contentement and tranquility that was fused in with her emotions of euphoria and ecstasy. He was becoming her sanctuary. Namjoon made her feel safe and free at the same time. It was strange because she had never felt that way before.

Namjoon was silent for a moment. He just continued to look at Maya. Maya suddenly became self-conscious about her words, regretting her decision to be so forward and to give away such personal thought she felt towards him.

“I am sorry...that was a bit weird wasn’t it.” Maya said as she put her hand on her forehead out of regret.

But her regret faded, when she suddenly felt Namjoon’s arms around her. A feeling of both excitement and  serenity spread  throughout Maya’s body as she felt the heat of his body enveloping her. Her sanctuary was embracing her.

“I have wanted to do this for a long time. I hope this is okay.” Namjoon said as he was going through similar waves of excitement and peace inside of him. But he still wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable with his sudden move. He had never felt so complete or content in his life. When Maya called him her sanctuary, Namjoon knew exactly what she meant as he often felt the same way around her. He knew there were no real words to express this feeling, so he just described it through his actions.

Maya nodded into his chest, as she wasn’t sure she would be able to speak. She slowly put her arms around him, slowly melting further into his arms. Namjoon pulled her closer in, as he had finally had her permission. Namjoon could smell his favorite Maya’s fragrance again and that elevated all his feelings. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Namjoon suddenly heard muffled sobs coming from Maya. He immediately loosened his grip to see what was wrong.

“Hey, what happened?” Namjoon asked as he looked down towards her. He saw tears rolling down from Maya’s cheeks. Maya quickly let go of Namjoon, took a step back,  and hastily wiped her tears.

“I am sorry, I am not sure where these came from.” Maya replied. “This is embarrassing.” She let out a fake laugh.

“Maya, is everything okay? You can tell me anything.” Namjoon was concerned. He understood the overwhelming emotions they were feeling, but he couldn’t quite understand the tears.

“No, everything is fine. I guess, I just got carried away. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me, Maya. Just know that you can tell me if there is something bugging you. Okay?” Namjoon was concerned because he suddenly remembered what Junmyeon had said about Maya’s past. There was something painful that Maya had been through, and Namjoon wondered what it was.

Maya nodded. “Okay, I will...for now, I wanted to ask, have you already eaten?” Maya changed the topic, returning back to her bright and cheerful self again.

Namjoon knew this was just Maya’s way of changing the topic, but he didn’t want to force her to say anything, so he decided to leave that discussion for later. “Ummm...no I haven’t had dinner yet. Why?”

“Well, I actually brought dinner for us.” Maya took out a few containers from her bag.

“Dinner? Really?” Namjoon was surprised. “Wait is this homemade?” Namjoon noticed the tupperware.

“Yes it is!” Maya answered excitedly.

“Wait, how? I thought you couldn’t cook…” Namjoon asked.

“Yeah, but I am learning from Han Bi. Let’s be honest, I can’t keep eating convenience food for the rest of my life.” Maya laughed. “Anyways, Han Bi helped me make Samgyeopsal, and kimchi stew, and for dessert we made rice cakes.”

“Wow, really? Did you really make all of this just for me?” Namjoon asked. He was too surprised.

“Well, it’s not just for you. I am eating with you.” Maya laughed.

“Yeah but still…This is too much.” Namjoon complained.

“I mean, this was supposed to my planned date right? So, let me have this. In fact, this could be my ‘our thing’!” Maya suggested, as she moved a small table in the corner,  in front of the couch in the studio and set up the food.

“What do you mean, you are going to bring homemade food everytime you come here?” Namjoon was getting worried. He really didn’t want Maya to feel like she had to bring him things every time.

“Well, maybe not homemade food, but just some treat of some sort.” Maya shrugged and sat down on the couch. “Please let this be our thing” Maya pouted.

As expected, Namjoon couldn’t resist. “Okay, fine”

“C’mon sit down, let’s eat! I am hungry!” Maya encouraged Namjoon to sit down on the couch next to her.

Namjoon sat down next to her and they both started eating. “So, do you like the food?” Maya asked half way through.

“It’s surprisingly good.” Namjoon gave a nod.

“Why is it surprising? Did you think it would be terrible since I helped make it?” Maya raised her eyebrow.

“No, I thought you didn’t want to cook because you weren’t good at it, but now I think you would be pretty good if you learned it” Namjoon replied.

“Yeah, I think I am mostly used to living alone and I never really felt like cooking just for myself,  so I never learned it.” Maya answered.

The conversations continued with the dinner. When it came to the dessert, Maya tried to convince Namjoon to eat the last rice cake, but Namjoon pretended like he was going to eat the cake and at the last second stuffed it in Maya’s mouth. Maya looked so cute with the rice cake stuffed in her mouth that Namjoon couldn’t stop laughing. In return, Maya jokingly kept hitting his shoulder. “You are so mean!” Maya tried saying with her mouth still full, which made Namjoon laugh even harder.

After dinner they cleaned up everything and Maya put the small table back into the corner. Both were happy and satisfied.

Then Namjoon dragged Maya towards his office chair where he would sit for hours and make his music.

“Sit here” he said.

“Are you sure? Isn’t this like your main chair?” Maya asked. She was surprised by Namjoon’s suggestion.

“Of course. Sit here. I want to show you something.” Namjoon insisted.

Maya followed Namjoon’s direction and sat in his chair, while he leaned over her shoulder to find what he wanted to show Maya on the computer. He clicked on a password protected file and then quickly entered the password to access the document he was looking for. It was a music file.

Before playing the file, he turned on the speakers with a remote that was sitting next to the computer keyboard. Then he finally clicked on the file.

Music started playing. At first Maya didn’t understand what song it was until she heard Jungkook’s voice. Maya slowly turned her chair to face Namjoon. She wasn’t completely sure if her hypothesis was correct. But from the lyrics she was starting to feel like her assumption was true.

She looked up at Namjoon. “Is this the song that…” Maya didn’t need to complete her sentence because Namjoon nodded before she did.

“It’s our song.” Namjoon confirmed Maya’s hypothesis. “Just listen to it.” He added.

Maya’s eyes stayed glued to Namjoon’s while she silently listened to the lyrics of the song. Her heart was so full with warmth that she was unsure how long she would be able to hear such sweet words before her heart failed completely. Jungkook’s sweet melodious voice filled the room, which fit the lyrics of the song so perfectly. Maya knew what the lyrics of the song meant. These lyrics were Namjoon’s way of asking Maya to give him a chance. His way of saying he believed in whatever strange fate that had brought them together. His way of saying just how much she meant to him.

She suddenly got up and wrapped her arms around Namjoon’s waist again. He returned the hug by wrapping his arms around her shoulder and they both stayed like that until the song ended.

Maya let go of Namjoon and stepped back after the song was finished so she could look at Namjoon again.

“Namjoon this is beautiful.” Maya said. She wanted to say more, but there were just no words. However, Namjoon was able to hear the unspoken words. He could feel what Maya was trying to convey.

“You think so?” Namjoon replied as he stepped closer caressing Maya’s cheek. He was careful not to look into her eyes. He focused his attention on her face and lips. Maya could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks. She couldn’t breathe due to Namjoon’s closeness.

“I wrote it while thinking of you. I really like you, Maya.” Namjoon stated the obvious, but hearing those words made Maya’s heart skip a few beats. Especially since he was gently cupping Maya’s face into his large hands. Maya was careful not to look into his eyes, even though she was dying to.

“I really like you too” was all Maya could mumble as she put her hand over Namjoon’s hand that was still cupping her face.

“Close your eyes” Namjoon suddenly demanded. Maya became confused, but she followed his direction.

Namjoon finally let out a small sigh of relief, as he was now able to look at Maya without worrying that they might accidentally make eye contact while touching, which would trigger a vision. He was relieved because now he could look at her carefully and memorize every curve and freckle on her face without worrying he would get distracted by her beautiful eyes. He was relieved because after all this time, Namjoon could do what he had been dying to do.

Namjoon leaned his face closer to Maya’s bringing his lips closer to her right cheek, while he still had his hand under Maya’s chin, leaving a small peck and he whispered “this is for last time.” Maya let out a small sound of shock, as she had not expected him to do that. But Namjoon wasn’t done yet. He leaned in towards her left cheek, and left a small peck there, and whispered “this is for earlier when I saw you at the door”. Maya inhaled sharply. Her stomach was in knots. Of course, Namjoon was still not done yet. He leaned in once again, this time aiming for her lips. His target was clear.  Next thing Maya knew, Namjoon’s lips crashed against hers. The sweet taste of his lips took over whatever sanity Maya had left inside of her.  The euphoria that Namjoon had described in the song was now being felt ten times more by both of them. They both felt fireworks going off inside their hearts as their soft lips moved so delicately against each others.  Maya slowly put her arms around his neck and stood on her toes while Namjoon moved his hand away from her face and put his arms around her waist.

They could feel their heart beats synchronize and their brain waves molding into one, even though their eyes were closed. They could feel their union being celebrated somewhere in the heavenly skies by some deities and angels, as this had to be a divine intervention that had led them to this moment. Their kiss was gentle like rose petals and feathers landing on the ground, but their kiss was also strong like waves of an ocean taking away any small  fear and doubts they had about each other. This kiss was the beginning. A turning point for their journey and they both knew they would never be able to turn back.

Namjoon slowly let go of Maya’s lips and whispered “this is for everyday from now on.”

[offtheisland]

Sweden!

Hallo! This is another post about traveling. At the end of May, I had three days off from school, one due to a holiday and two due to oral Abitur exams being given. Not wanting to waste any opportunities, I decided to travel to Sweden! The daughter of friends of my host family is currently living in Uppsala, a university town near Stockholm where she is doing her PhD, and was kind enough to invite me to stay with her. My journey began on Tuesday morning, when I woke up extremely early and went to Düsseldorf Airport, where I flew for two hours to Stockholm. I left the airport in Stockholm and decided to have a small breakfast of coffee and a kanelbulle, a special kind of Swedish cinnamon roll. The Swedes take these two things very seriously: drip coffee is preferred and always comes with free refills, and the kanelbulle is so popular that Ikea makes them for worldwide distribution in their stores. There's even a word in Swedish, fika, which is a pause/break in the workday to have coffee and a pastry.

I walked around the downtown area of the city before crossing a bridge to get to one of the many islands that dot Stockholm's harbor. This particular island had two museums that I was interested in visiting, the first of which is called Skansen. It's an open-air historical museum with living exhibits, functioning handicraft workshops, animals, and of course old buildings and structures that show how Sweden looked between 150-250 years ago. I really enjoyed walking around and seeing all of the colorful wooden houses, cobbled streets, and historical artifacts, plus the weather was absolutely beautiful!

↑ One of the many streets that runs throughout Skansen, showcasing a Sweden that is no longer truly in existence.

After Skansen, I went to another museum (inside this time) for a few hours to cool off during the hottest part of the day. This museum is called the Vasa Museum, and it houses a giant Swedish ship, the Vasa, that sank on its maiden voyage in 1628 and laid on the bottom of Stockholm's harbor until scientists found it in the 50's, dredged it up, cleaned and restored it, and built a museum to go with it. I don't have any great pictures of the ship since it was so dark inside the building (to preserve the wood) but here is a link to the website.

Then, I decided to explore the old historical quarter of Stockholm, called Gamla Stan. Located on yet another island, Gamla Stan is full of narrow streets and alleyways, tall and slightly leaning buildings, and adorable shops and cafés. Here I decided to have a late lunch of Köttbullar, aka Swedish meatballs.

↑ A narrow street in Gamla Stan.

↑ Köttbullar and gravy with lingonberries, mashed potatoes, and pickles.

I finished the day by walking to yet another island in the harbor, where I got a very scenic overview of Stockholm! I was tired and sweaty after having walked almost 20km, but it was nevertheless a great day.

↑ Stockholm!

Wednesday was my only full day in Sweden, and I was lucky enough to have perfect weather for it. The woman who I stayed with had off from work, so she took me around the Uppsala area the entire day, and it was wonderful! We started by visiting the former estate of Carolus Linneaeus, which is now a museum and park. Linneaeus, also known as Carl von Linné, invented the system of binomial nomenclature that is still used to give every known organism a Latin name. We went for a short walk and looked at the various buildings on the property. I had no idea that Linneaeus originally came from Sweden!

↑ A building on the property, painted red, as is typical for old Swedish houses.

Afterward, we went for another hike through the woods which ended at a lake! We had a picnic on the banks and then went swimming! I recognize how strange this sounds: swimming in a lake in Sweden in May! But the weather was so unusually warm that it was needed, and honestly the water in the lake was not cold at all. 

↑ Me, from the back, enjoying the lake and the traditional Swedish food we had for our picnic. The dog in the photo belongs to the woman I stayed with! 

We ended our day of activities with fika at an outdoor café in Uppsala. I had a cinnamon and cardamom bun (cardamom is used very often in Scandinavian baked goods) and an iced coffee, which is not easy to find in Germany, so I really enjoyed it! I also got to see a laboratory in the university in Uppsala, which was very interesting but no pictures were allowed. However, I also learned that coming to Sweden for graduate work was a true possibility. :)

I flew back to Germany on Thursday morning, drained but having seen a good chunk of what the area has to offer. Even though it was a very short visit, I made the most of my time in Sweden and am once again so grateful for the generosity of others for making a trip to yet another country possible for me!

Thanks for reading! Tschüß!

[jennakarenina]

"Ich bin ein Berliner" does not mean "I am a doughnut."

I loved Berlin even more the second time around. On my last trip, I did briefly stop in Berlin to meet up with some friends from school. I was only in Berlin for 16 or-so hours, and, though it was a great time, I didn't feel like I did the city justice. This time around, I feel like I really did it right.

I clicked with my roommates right away, Vanya and Alex, from Russia and Canada, respectively. Vanya is a professional filmmaker and photographer, and he offered to take my portrait as we walked around the city. And being the cocky confident woman that I am, I said sure! It was actually great walking with Vanya, not only because he takes fantastic photographs, but because he was one of the most interesting people I've ever met. He was born in Russia, but has lived in Australia, Germany, Austria, Spain, he just chooses a new country or city and goes there to film and build his portfolio. He and Alex walked across Spain together, and meet up in different cities when they get the chance. What a life, right?

We started at Checkpoint Charlie, which is where the entrance to the American Sector used to be during the days of the Berlin Wall. To be honest, I was a little underwhelmed. It's a small white building, and next to it you see the famous "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE AMERICAN SECTOR" sign to the left. Right behind that sign is a KFC, across the street is a McDonald's, and visible down the block is a Starbucks. 'Tis the American Sector, indeed. Surrounding the area, however, are some fascinating museums and outdoor exhibits about Cold War Berlin that I could've spent hours in. There are sections from the wall all around the city, and you can see how the wall was fortified specifically to prevent people from escaping. Can you imagine what it was the like the day you woke up to find out your city has been physically divided, and that you were now subject to a government you probably didn't consent to, nor felt any identification with?

From there we kept moving, and Vanya led us towards to the Holocaust memorial. I had seen pictures of the memorial before, but pictures really don't capture how enormous the site is. The blocks start off low and relatively staggered, but as you progress they quickly grow in hight and uniformity until all of a sudden you're totally surrounded by 15, 20 foot tall, dark, grey stones. They form a long grid, and the columns appear endlessly long. The day we went was cloudy and rainy, with a low fog drifting through the narrow corridors. I lost Vanya for a bit, but eventually found him as I came out the other side. As I wandered alone through this stone forest, I had time to think introspectively. How amazing is the universe, and yet how cruel. The only reason I am here today is because of where a family member was not 70 years ago. Something like that, and this trip in general, helps one to be grateful for the life they live now. What's even more amazing, is to go from that memorial to the Brandenburg Gate and see a giant, fully lit menorah proudly standing in front of it. In less than 100 years, understanding and seeing the change from Nazi flags to menorahs, it's a sense of pride and accomplishment I can't quite describe.

That night, I got to try Berlin's famous currywurst, which is a curried sausage (not a sausage in a curry, but with curry spices in the meat). It's fantastic. Dad, you'd love it.

I thought about writing a paragraph about the German political situation regarding refugees, but I don't want to bore and would like to avoid the same moral diatribes I despise on social media. Instead, enjoy this sweet story about a couple I saw on the subway:

A couple is sitting across from me, a man and a woman, and I watch her rest her head on his shoulder and close her eyes. He grins as he looks down at her, and kisses her forehead. There was genuine love and admiration in his eyes and smile as he looked at her. A moment passes, and she opens her eyes, giddy and smiling at him. She gathers her sleeve to reveal a colorful beaded bracelet, and he chuckles as he lifts his sleeve to revel his matching bracelet. They share a quiet laugh, and she returns her head to his shoulder and closes her eyes again. They got off at the next stop.

It was just a simple gesture of love that was so subtly sweet and so genuine, it just made me happy. It's beautiful to see how love translates across languages, culture, and borders. You can see and understand love and joy even if you don't understand the language someone is speaking.

I began writing this in my hostel in Vienna, where one roommate is a Pakistani PhD candidate, and the other is an Italian DJ. I love the different kinds of people you meet in hostels. I finished writing this in a traditional Viennese restaurant as I finished a plate of schnitzel. Tomorrow, I'll hop over from Vienna to Budapest, the city I've most been looking forward to all trip, where hopefully I write from a dimly lit ruin bar (or more like from the train).

That currywurst really helped clear up my sinuses, but the perpetual rain and fog of these cities is definitely testing my immune system's resilience. But hey, it's not a true Jenna trip if I'm not somewhat sick so, this is clearly how it's supposed to go.

Also, fun fact learned in Vienna today: Mozart apparently didn't die dirt poor and squalor, but he did have a serious gambling problem.

Auf Wiedersehen y'all

Jenna

[secret-captain-swan-blog]

Castle on the Hill

English Literature PhD student Emma Swan just needs money to pay for her last semester of grad school tuition. Killian Jones has always dreamed of opening a bookshop but has never been able to afford it. So when the small principality of Misthaven is looking for their lost princess, the pair decide that this might just be the perfect money making scheme.

A Multi-chapter Modern Day + Lost Princess (think Rapunzel/Anastasia-esque) + Book Lovers in a Coffee Shop AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 30905/ ?

Prologue (Part 1 + 2) // Ch 1 // Ch 2 // Ch 3 // Ch 4

Read on: Ao3

They wander out of Mamie’s just as the sun is beginning to set. Golden hour, Emma thinks it is called.

“So, how much have you seen of Misthaven?” Asks Killian.

Emma frowns, thinking of the Misthaven University library and the endless bowls of cappuccinos at Mamies.

“Hah,” Killian laughs, “That’s what I thought. Too much time with our darling friend Blanche Neige, and hardly any time spent exploring the thriving metropolis of Misthaven.”

Emma chuckles. She thinks of the past few hours she’s spent with Killian in Mamie’s. They’d exchanged favorite quotations, scenes, and characters from Blanche Neige. They discussed all of their other favorite reads. It seems that Killian is quite well read, his favorite books spanning from Dickens to Rushdie. She’s discovered that he’s not just ridiculously good looking, he’s also thoughtful and has a soft spot for literature.

“Hey,” Emma protests, “I have a lot riding on Blanche Neige right now.”

“Yeah, right, your whole future, I know,” Killian snorts, “But you can take one night off from books.”

Emma’s eyes narrow. What does he mean one night? They just agreed to be friends, not to-

“Emma, just an hour or two of sights in the city,” He offers, “Just that. I’m not planning on coming home with you after, if that’s what you thought I was on about. I mean, we could arrange that too, if you wish.”

Does this guy ever stop with the flirting?

She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, but manages to let out a little smile, “Okay, fine, one evening off. And nothing more.”

Killian grins. He’s so open with his emotions. He wears his heart on his sleeve in a way that Emma has never done. She can tell how he genuinely feels about each of her responses, whereas she lives to be an enigma.

“Have you been on a river boat tour?” He asks, “They’re quite popular for tourists, but they really are good fun and a nice, proper tour of Misthaven.”

Emma shakes her head, realizing how little time she’s taken to enjoy Misthaven.

“Let’s do that shall we?” He suggests, “At sunset, the city will be very photogenic.”

She swears that the French bit of his trace-of-a-Misthaven-accent comes out a little more as he talks about sunset. And yeah, it’s kinda doing something to her. Stupid attractive voice.

“Yeah, sure,” She agrees.

They walk along the quay to where the tours leave from. Killian buys two tickets and they step onto the boat.

Emma hasn’t been on a lot of boats in her lifetime. One time a group home went on a boat tour of Boston Harbor. She doesn’t remember much of it, only that her hair was in a braid that day and one of the more annoying boys kept tugging on it as she tried to look out at the city. When she was in high school, on her trip to New York with Ingrid, she remembers taking a ferry to the Statue of Liberty. She remembers seeing the skyline of New York on the way back, stately and ruthlessly modern against the sky.

Both of those boat rides were rocky, lurching violently as they traveled, but this boat is smooth. She and Killian find spots upstairs, on the outdoor deck. They lean against the rail, watching the Misthaven flag that hangs off the back flap gently against the backdrop of the river and hills.

“So,” Emma says, turning to Killian, “Obviously, you know all about my life as a student and my thesis- but what about you?”

“What about me?” Killian says, crossing his arms over the rail with smirk.

“I don’t know,” Emma shrugs, “What do you do?”

“It’s going to sound a little dim, after our discussion about literature,” he says, scratching behind his ear nervously.

Why is that so attractive? Calm your loins, Emma Swan, he’s literally scratching his ear.

All the same, she feels weirdly hurt by his admission. She’s never been the kind of person who things herself above others. She’s spent most of her time at Duke feeling less than her peers who lived far more privileged lives than her.

“It’s okay,” Emma says, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Remember the bad childhood thing? It’s made me significantly less judgey than most people in academia. I got really lucky and that’s the only reason that I’m working on a PhD and not cleaning toilets.”

Killian nods, his face solemn and a little gentle, “I’m a bartender.”

“Nice,” Emma says, not waiting a beating, not wanting him to feel bad, “Does that mean that as your friend I get free drinks?”

“Hmm,” he says, his easy smile returning, “Not because we are friends, just because you’re hot.”

Emma dramatically huffs, because it’s her instinct to react that way, but there is a small bit of her that relishes that he thinks that she is hot. Okay, maybe more than a small bit.

She has to stop it. She can’t be swooning over this guy, even if he is charming and attractive and loves her favorite author. She doesn’t date at all. It’s self-preservation. And if she is going to survive finding funding and finishing her dissertation- she needs a much self-preservation as possible.

“What about before that?” Emma prods, trying to distract herself from becoming a love-sick puppy.

“I thought we weren’t getting into the dark childhoods today, love,” Killian said, his face becoming solemn again.

“Sorry,” Emma said, pulling an apologetic face, “I was just curious. Mostly about your accent. It’s more English than Misthaven.”

Killian nods, “I moved to the UK when I was twelve.”

That revelation helps her to connect the dots of confusion that have been mingling in her head about Killian’s backstory.

“Oh,” Emma blurts, “Is that why your name is funny? Killian isn’t a very Misthavian name.”

“It’s an Irish name,” Killian explains, “My mum was Irish. But that’s not why I lived in England.”

“Oh,” Emma says, softer. She notices the was, where she thought there would be an is. She realizes they are hedging along the topic of sad childhoods, a conversation that she definitely doesn’t want to unpack. She’s known Killian for two days, she definitely doesn’t want to be recounting the orphan story to him.

“She, uh, died,” Killian says, “Not long after I was born. My brother took care of me. He had an Irish name too- Liam.”

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me the sad story,” Emma says, noting another past tense where she expects a present one, “I’m sure you want to enjoy this boat ride without dredging up every horrible memory you have.”

He gives her a grateful smile.

It really is beautiful, the boat ride- though his smile is too (not that she’s thinking about it). The city drifts behind them. The opera house is glowing in the evening light. The adorable old town buildings jut out in angles as they creep up the hill, looking like a child’s town toy set. On the other side of the river, she sees the sunset reflected in the windows of more modern office buildings. She can see students lofting on the quadrangles of the campus. Misthaven is beautiful at sunset. Killian was really right about that.

“But, if you were wondering, before that,” Killian says, returning to her question, “I worked at a bookshop in London. I really miss that job.”

Emma looks up at him. The light brings out the flecks of red in his stubble and she marvels in this discovery.

“I think the best jobs are ones where you are surrounded by books all the time,” Emma says, dreamily, stretching.

“It was great,” Killian says, becoming animated once more, his hands suddenly moving as he talks. “I could recommend books, read behind the counter during lulls. There was a coffee shop in it too. I learned to make really nice cappuccinos.”

“The smell of coffee and books?” Emma says, “Sounds like the dream.”

“I really was,” Killian says.

“Why’d you leave?” Emma asks.

Killian shrugs and she assumes it’s part of the long sad story he isn’t ready to tell. Her heart breaks a bit at that. He seems graceful now, happy enough, with a lost look that lurks behind his eyes at moments when he isn’t paying attention. She knows he must have been through some hard things.

“I decided to move back to Misthaven after the Dark Time ended. I missed home. But, I’d love to have a bookshop of my own,” He confesses, “I’ll die happy if I can open my own bookshop.”

Her heart now melts a little bit for him. It’s such a gentle dream to come from man as disarmingly attractive and hopelessly charming.

“That’s what I was going to use the money for,” He tells her, “Why I wanted to go into that deal with the man in the pawn shop.”

“For your bookshop dream?” Emma asks. She had imagined that he’d want the money for personal use, maybe a nice house or an easier life, but not to open a book store.

He nods. She smiles at this idea. She thinks her motivation of wanting a PhD in literature was soft, but Killian’s dream also eeps a sort of gentleness as well.

“We are such nerds,” Emma laughs, “Wanting a large fortune to spend on our bookish dreams.”

Killian gives her a tight smile. In a flash, she feels as if they are kindered souls. They’ve both had really tough lives. They’ve probably spent a lot of time alone, without families, fighting for their own selves because there wasn’t anyone else to. But books are their solace, the bit of hope, the passion that kept them from giving up. She knows in a second that Killian understands her fierce love of literature in a way that her privileged university peers, or even Belle, could never truly understand. Killian knows what it was like to be saved by book. To have books as your only companion.

In this revelation, Emma feels something bubble up inside her that she can’t restrain. A whole glob of feelings for Killian. She doesn’t want them. She isn’t ready for boyfriends or dating or relationships. But yet the feelings explode into her world, unable to be quashed, unable to be brought back in.

So, she does the only thing she’s good at: bottles it up. The feelings go into a bottle, into the wall of bottles.

“Tell me about what the bookshop would be like,” She says, pressing further into the rail of the boat, watching the ripples that the wake makes as it coasts through the water.

“I don’t want anything huge,” he says. “Just a small shop would be lovely. Two floors, I think, with a coffee bar in the back.”

She nods, imagining it already. She pictures it in rich dark wood, like the belly of ship.

“I think I’d like to have reading groups there,” he continues. “Maybe workshops for aspiring writers, or readings from local authors.”

“I’ll be there the second you get Blanche Neige to read,” She says.

“Believe me, if I ever get her, or discover her identity, you’ll be the first to know,” He vows.

“Same,” She agrees, letting herself bump into him (in a purely chummy way).

He looks back at her with an expression of tenderness, of kinship- that she feels herself draw away again. She moves a fraction over, but just enough to feel the space form between them. It’s a game she constantly plays- don’t get too close, don’t let those feelings out.

They are silent for a moment and the boat leaves the river to move into the channel. The skyline of Misthaven turns to silhouette against the dusky rose sky. Emma can trace the top of the opera house, the university library, the cathedral tower. She can see in the distance the taller, modern buildings of the business district. But her eyes linger on the castle, perched on the hill, hovering over the city.

She thinks again of Emma, the other Emma. Princess Emma.

She thinks of the revolution, the story that Professor Hood told her of his time in hiding, his wife’s death.

“Were you here during the Dark Times?” She asks, turning to Killian, trying to fit his story into the history of the country.

His eyes are fixed on the castle as well, “A bit yes.”

He runs his hand through his hair, ruffling it adorably. There is pain in eyes as he looks at it.

Emma sees him open his mouth and she stops him, “Hey, we aren’t talking sad stories, remember? You don’t have to tell me about it.”

He shakes his head, shrugs, and reveals, “You should probably know, well, because I think this is how the whole thing the other night came to happen- I used to live in the castle.”

All of a sudden, Emma can picture Killian as a child- almost too well. She imagines him with a mop of dark hair and freckle smattered face. She pictures him dressed in finery, the kind of thing you’d wear at a castle.

“Were you royalty then?” She blinks, the reality of his confession hitting her. He must have been pretty important to live at the castle. She knows he is a bartender now, in the way that the revolution made paupers out of many greats from Misthaven, but she imagines he must have been very distinguished to have lived in the castle. Maybe a duke or lord…

He shakes his head, giving her a half grin, “No, Emma, I wasn’t anything like that. My brother was a guard at the castle and the royal family was kind enough to let me stay with him in the castle. We had a small room in the basement. It wasn’t much, but I took lessons from the royal tutor and we got better food than we would have on our own.”

“Your brother Liam was a guard?” Emma asks, her mind still caught up in his previous statement, tracing the words over and over in her head. They brought back an echo to her, of something. It’s like she’d spoken the words before.

“Yeah,” Killian says, “Why?’

Emma shakes her head, brushing off the sense of déjà vu, “Sorry, it just sounded familiar. Something about that.”

“It’s because he was with the princess when she disappeared,” Killian explains, before swallowing hard, “He fled with her to America, to take her into hiding. But something went wrong, his remains were found in the Hudson River.”

“Oh,” Emma says softly, reaching out to Killian, “I’m really sorry, Killian. Truly.”

“It was years ago,” He says, “I lost him when I six. But you’ve probably read it in an article somewhere. Everything about the lost princess seems to mention Liam in it somewhere.”

“So, you knew her then?” Emma asks, “Princess Emma?”

He smiles at her, “I knew a little girl who’d run down corridors and play silly games with me.”

“You were friends?” Emma asks.

“I suppose,” Killian says, “When you are the only two kids in the castle, you stick together. She was younger than me though, so we weren’t terribly close.”

Emma nods, silently, her eyes still looking up at the castle on the hill. The pieces start to come together for her.

She looks enough like the lost princess. She has the right name, the right accent. Damn, she even has that scar. She’s desperate enough to need the money, still despite everything.

Killian knew the princess. Killian has the connections to really sell their story. The queen might actually listen to him.

Maybe she was wrong before. Maybe this is the fairy godmother opportunity that’s fallen into her lap again. She’d been foolish not to try for it.

“What if we really did this?” Emma asks, turning from the rail to face Killian.

“Sorry?” He says, “Do what?”

“Convince the Queen I’m the princess,” Emma says, “We could do it. Between your history with the crown and my uncannily good looks, we might actually be able to pull this off.”

Killian pushes his lips together, a small frown forming, “We aren’t going back to that man. That awful, impish man. Let’s not return there.”

Emma shakes her head, “We don’t need him. We can do this just the two of us.”

“How would we even begin to do that?” Killian asks.

Emma smirks, as the boat loops around and heads back into the river, their horizon turning to nothing but sea before them.

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret,” She says, letting her smirk turn to a grin, “I’m like really good at research.”

“Ha,” Killian says, following Emma off of the tour boat, twenty minutes later. “You said you said you weren’t going to invite me home after our soirée, yet here we are Swan, heading back to your place.”

“Oh shut up,” Emma says, fake annoyance in her voice, “You told me that you don’t have Wi-Fi at your place, so we are going back to my apartment to research. Research, Killian.”

He chuckles, glad that Emma is sassy enough to match him. He’s only picked up the flirting and innuendos after bartending. He realized that his good looks coupled with a few compliments and an eyebrow wiggle are enough to garner a few extra tips and sometimes drinks from his female (and some male) clientele.

“Ah right, research,” He says, smacking his head, “Thanks for reminding me Professor Swan.”

She rolls her eyes, as she seems to adorably do frequently, and he follows her in the direction of the tram.  It’s just across the river from where the boat docked. They cross a bridge towards it. It’s a cute bridge with ornate iron designs and one covered with love locks.

“I thought this was just a Paris thing,” Emma says, nodding to locks.

Killian shrugs, “No, apparently, they are littered all around Europe on bridges and benches.”

“Seems kinda anticlimactic,” Emma remarked, “Like oh hey, let’s put a love lock on a bridge- but not the bridge, not even in the City of Love, just another random bridge in another random city.”

He laughs at her rant, “Well, Swan, if I had thought about getting you a love lock before, I’m scratching that thought now.”

She hums a bit, surprising him with not rolling her eyes.

They finish crossing the bridge and head to the tram station. Emma swipes her metro card moving through the turnstile to the awaiting train. Killian pushes himself above the barrier.

“I could just swipe you in, you know,” Emma offers.

“Nonsense, Swan,” he says, flashing her a smile. “I’ve yet to get caught. Besides, we are about to convince someone that you are a lost princess as part of a money-making scheme- we’ve got other things to worry about.”

He thinks he sees her shiver and he regrets bringing up the devious nature of their scheming. He doesn’t want her to feel guilty for it or anything akin to that. She was crafty to think they could pull it off on their own. He thinks she’s right, with a little research it’s very possible. They have a right, he thinks, to pursue the possibility of this. There is too much lining up for them not to try.

He takes a seat beside Emma and the train moves. He doesn’t know where Emma lives, but he isn’t surprised when they get off at a stop in one of the young neighborhoods not too far from the university.

“You’ve got a place here?” He asks.

“I’ve swapped with a student who is in the states for the semester,” Emma says, “I was surprised by how nice it is.”

He’s surprised as well when she leads him up the apartment. Once she flicks on the lights, it reveals a bright, white space with a few house plants and vintage posters on the walls. There is a large bookshelf, where Emma’s books have neatly been added beside some that the previous apartment owner left behind. There is a funny contrast between her tome of Infinite Jest and an old biology textbook in Dutch. He admires her full row of Blanche Neige books, each and every one there on her shelf.

“Make yourself at home,” Emma says, “Would you like some tea?”

“Wouldn’t mind a cuppa,” Killian remarks, as he sinks into her sofa.

He watches her fuss over the kettle. A few strands have escaped from her bun, and trickle loosely around her face. She’s hung her red leather jacket by the door, so she wears only her romper now. The thin, dark straps create a contrast against her sharp collarbones. She’s lovely.

He’s thought that for a while now. As they chatted over coffees, as he watched her in the golden sunset, as they chatted on the boat, as they giggled on the bridge- she’s truly lovely. She has hard edges, shaped by a mysterious past, but underneath it all she’s full of passion and creativity and drive.

She returns to him with two mugs of milky black tea.

“Thanks, milady,” He says.

“It’s your royal highness, to you,” She corrects, laughing.

“That’s the spirit,” Killian says, taking a sip of the tea.

“So, where do we start?” Emma asks.

“I think we need to figure out a way for you to befriend the queen,” Killian says, “She’s quite approachable for a queen. I’ve met with her since she’s returned.”

“You have?” Emma asks.

Killian flinches, “At Liam’s funeral.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Emma says, putting a gentle hand on Killian’s arm.

“No, it happened a very, very long time ago,” Killian says.

“Well, I think we should start by researching the queen then. If we figure out where she goes in town, where we can find her- maybe then we can negotiate a way to make her acquaintance,” Emma says, her practical academic voice kicking in.

“Right on, Swan,” Killian agrees.

She pulls her laptop out of the bag and flicks it open. He’s surprised at just how fast she types, as she taps in, “queen of misthaven.” She instantly clicks on a wiki article that appears first in the search results.

Killian watches as a familiar picture of Queen Mary Margaret fills the corner of the screen, a description detailed beside it describing her life.

Emma makes a little choking noise as she looks at the screen.

“Swan, are you alright?” He asks, lifting a hand to stroke her back.

She puts the laptop down on the coffee table in front of her. She tucks the wisps that escapes from her bun behind her ear.

“Wait, that’s her?” She manages, “That’s the queen?”

“That would be correct,” Killian replies, “Our royal majesty, your mum, in the flesh.”

Emma purses her lips together, picks at her nail for a moment. He can tell that she’s thrown by the discovery.

He wonders for a moment if she really is the princess. Maybe she is the princess and she’s startled because she remembers. Maybe everything is coming back to her. Well, it would certainly make everything easier if Emma was actually the princess.

But then she says, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I know her.”

“You do?” Killian asks. His heart skips a beat.

Could she really be her? The Princess? He’d believe it.

“I met her at the opera,” She explains.

At the opera? Emma’s never struck him as the opera going type. He’s always written it off as a posh thing that was out of his league. But then again, Emma is a PhD student. She is out of his league. She’s the kind of intellectual type that doesn’t spend time with scum like Killian.

“I got a free ticket from the foreign student association,” Emma says, “It was actually pretty horrendous. But anyway, I ran into this woman in the bathroom and she was trying to convince me to come back to the opera even though this one sucked. She offered me free tickets to a ballet on Friday and I accepted them.”

“And this woman was the queen?” Killian asks.

Emma nods.

“Well, Emma, I think our plan just got a lot easier,” Killian says with a grin.

“I think so,” Emma says, and he can tell reality is hitting her. They really do have a chance at this.

“You said the opera was Friday?” Killian asks.

“I have two tickets,” Emma replies with a nod.

“Hmm, well, Emma Swan, fancy an opera date?” Killian suggests.

“Ugh, with you?” She jests, “I guess.”

“Oh sod off,” he tuts back.

“It’s sod off, your royal highness,” she corrects again.

“I really need to start working on that,” he laughs.

“Yeah, you do,” she says, her voice full of confidence.

His brain starts churning, thinking through the reality of this plan. They’ve nearly accounted for everything- expect for one thing.

“Emma, before we do this,” he says, hesitant, “There is one thing we should do.”

She cocks her head, “What is it?”

“Well, as much as I hate that man, he was right. You do need a scar to match the one the princess has,” He says.

He hates to think of marring her porceline skin with a knife. He hates to think of doing anything that the horrible man wanted them to do. But it would be a shame for the whole plan to fail just because of a small, but crucial detail.

Emma dips her head demurely. “Well, actually, we might not have to.”

She moves to reveal her opposite shoulder. His eyes drift from her lovely sharp collarbones that he noticed earlier, to where a small silver line begins at its base and travels over the curve of her shoulder.

“I’m not sure if it’s the right shoulder,” Emma begins.

“It is,” Killian says.

Her eyes widen.

“I remember the day she got the scar,” He says lightly, “She was on her pony and had a fall, cut her shoulder on a rock.”

“Oh,” Emma says.

He reaches out a hand, letting a finger trail along the slightly puckered skin. Emma shivers and he worries that’s gone too far. Maybe his touch is an unwelcome memory of the hooded man.

“Why? How did you get yours?” He asks her.

Emma shrugs, “I don’t know. I’ve had it as long as I can remember.”

“Emma,” He says, smiling, “You realize we are hardly going to have to lie to pull this off. You are truly the perfect woman for this opportunity.”

There is a part of him that wants to say something more. He wants to tell her that she’s beautiful, that she’s clever, that’s she’s the perfect woman in general. But he holds it back. They are going to be business partners. She already has enough on her plate between this scheme and her academic work. She doesn’t need his unwanted affections. Maybe another time. Maybe in the future when she’s finished her thesis and he’s financially stable. Or maybe never. She’d likely be better off without him.

“Would you like another tea?” Emma asks, shaking him from his melancholy.

“Oh no, Swan, I should be off,” He says.

He stands to head to the door and she rises beside him.

“Well, I’ll see you Friday, then?” She asks.

“Yes, Friday indeed,” Killian says.

She goes to open the door for him, but then pauses, her hand lingering on the knob.

“I’m really glad we’ve become friends, Killian,” She says.

He lets himself smile a full grin, “I am too, Emma.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who cares about Blanche Neige as much as I do,” She says, a little blush gracing her cheek, “It’s nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with.”

“Likewise, Swan,” He says, “Truly, I’m very fortunate that you’ve come into my life.”

“Thanks for the boat ride,” She adds, “Maybe you could show me more of Misthaven sometime. You know, when we aren’t coming up with money making schemes.”

“I’d like that very much,” He says, “I’ll think up something.”

“Well, till Friday then,” Emma says, opening the door.

“Till Friday, Swan.”

Tagging: @sambethe @lenfaz @pocket-anon @the-corsair-and-her-quill @kiwistreetswan @princesseslikepirates @timeless-love-story @katie-dub

[f1nd1ngmyself]

Happy New Year!

I love fresh starts.  New beginnings.  Clean slates.  The opportunity to change.

I have a lot of resolutions this year, but I am tired of not accomplishing the things I want to do. So here we go!

1. Increase credit score - I have an actual number in mind, but I won’t post it publicly.  My credit score isn’t bad per se, but I want it to be even better.

2. Save $X - I also have a specific amount in mind.  I spent more money than I saved last year, and there is no reason for that.  

3. Run 1000 miles - I love running, but I never make time for it.  I’m going to change that this year.

4. Bike 2000 miles - I also love biking!  I will be counting trainer and outdoor miles for this.  I am hoping to build my confidence on the bike to do even more biking outdoors in 2019.

5. Swim 100 hours and complete an open water 5K - Swimming is my absolute favorite! I should be doing more of it since I love it so much.

6. Read 50 books - I love reading.  I love buying books.  I have a lot of books that I haven’t read yet, so I am going to try to read a book a week this year.

7. Read 2 textbooks - I also have a lot of textbooks, and I love learning.  I also want to get a NASM personal training cert in addition to my NPTI cert, and this will help.

8. Apply to nutrition program - Honestly, I hate my current career, but it pays so well.  2018 is about achieving, not just chasing, my dreams.  I am going to go back to school to get a masters in nutrition to prepare myself for a PhD program.  I no longer want to waste time in a field I am not interested in.

9. Lose 20 pounds - Weight has slowly been creeping on since I started college, exponentially since I’ve gotten married. I don’t feel good about myself.  My range of motion is inhibited as well.  I’m hoping I won’t have to think about this one too much with my other goals, and I’ll be happy if the number of the scale doesn’t move, but I slim down.

10. Throw away/donate 365 things - I have too much stuff.  It drives me crazy.  Time to downsize.

11. Try 10 new dinner recipes - Getting married made me realize how much I love cooking.  Bonus points if these are healthy recipes!

12. Try 2 new breakfast recipes - I feel like all breakfast recipes are the same, so here’s to trying something new!

13. Try 5 new dessert recipes - I had wanted to make Italian cookies in 2017 but never got around to it.  My MIL is also an awesome baker, so I want to try at least one of her recipes.

14. 2 Camping trips in tents - I love camping.  My husband not so much. I want to do one-nighters in tents to get away from the stress of “normal” life.  I love being in the middle of nowhere with no cell service!

15. 5 hikes - These will most likely be day hikes and at least 2 of them will be local.  I want to get outside more, take more pictures, and make more memories.  I can’t get time back.

16. Kayak 3 times - I went kayaking for the first time in 2017, and I absolutely loved it!  There is just something so calming about the water.

17. 50 KB swings @ 20 pounds - I love kettlebells.  I have three (10, 15, and 20 lbs) that I don’t use.  I also want to be stronger.  My muscles are lacking! What better way to put those KB’s to use!

18. Complete 6 30-day challenges - I am a sucker for challenges! I never actually finish them though...  Here’s to following through in 2018!

19. Finish reading the Bible - I always start but never finish.  Not this year!

20. IMLP less than 15 hours - I can do it if I put my mind to it!

21. Bike a century - I love biking! I also want to be more confident (see #4).  What better way than to bike a century! Preferably outdoors in an organized ride.

22. Complete 30 yoga videos - I need to stretch more, and I would like to increase my flexibility.  I also like yoga but never stick with it.  

23. 30 day gym streak - get my butt to the gym everyday for 30 days!  It can also count as one of my 30-day challenges.

24. 100 Happy Days Challenge - I would like to have a more positive outlook on life, and I think this challenge will help with that.

25. Learn 2 new piano songs - I miss playing.  2 songs isn’t a lot, but it is more than what I learned in 2017.  

Bonus Goals!  These weren’t part of my original list but are things I would like to do.

1. Finish Spanish Workbook - I would like to become fluent in Spanish and spend at least 5 hours a week on it.  I know it’s not a lot, but a little is better than nothing.

2. Write 12 letters - to help connect with friends and family.