#and i was on a med that made me have super vivid dreams at the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dzpenumbra · 1 year

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4/22/23

I'm technically still working, but I decided to come here and do this because... I got to sleep at like 7:30 AM last night. I can not get this shit off my mind. It keeps coming back.

I described it as like... when something that really upsets me happens, it's like a rock thrown in a pond, and emotional ripples just keep popping up every couple hours with lulls inbetween. And this one? This is a big one.

This one is... "if you have a problem? Either you're on your own or you check yourself into a mental institution." "It better be a fucking emergency." It flashes me back to dozens... hundreds of horrible moments. Surreal nightmare moments. Where I was scared for my life, and in several cases my life was actually in danger. Where I was alone and seeing scary things and afraid. And just wanted someone to talk to, to help me make sense of what to do. And I got fucking yelled at. And treated like fucking garbage. Like there was something wrong with me. Like I'm sick. Like I'm weak. Like I'm paranoid. Like I should pull up my fucking bootstraps and just grow thicker goddamn skin and be fucking smarter.

I'm clearly struggling to let it go. I was ranting to myself about it for about an hour in bed as the sun came up, I almost just said fuck it and stayed up. I distracted myself once I woke up. I think I had really vivid dreams too, can't remember. I struggled with yoga for a bit because it was like a fucking radio playing in my head ranting about how fucked up this all is, and "fuck people", and "why would I do anything for these selfish pieces of shit", "what's the point in meeting new people", "why would I ever give another person perspective if like... apparently we're not supposed to be doing that for each other as a society".

Like... am I genuinely supposed to assume that any moment where I'm scared means I'm having a mental health crisis? Like earlier today, I heard a man screaming at the top of his lungs in another apartment. Am I supposed to assume that it is in my head, that it didn't actually happen, and everyone is okay, and just pretend I didn't hear anything? If I start feeling sick, should I just assume I'm overstressed or imagining it and ignore it? I'm just so fucking frustrated about this. Like... I don't know anyone else who lives like this, man! Not even my family, and I'm the least paranoid person in my family. By a fucking long-shot!

He hit some of my big triggers, that's what it really was. The deep ones. Like... the fact that no one will support me, that my family doesn't do their fucking job as family, that my friends wouldn't do their job as friends... because of that, all that responsibility gets thrown onto me. To support myself. To care for myself. To give myself perspective... somehow... How.. fucking... isolating.

I remember when I was in this retreat place trying to get off of meds, you know... because my friends and family wouldn't check in on me to help me safely taper... so I had to check myself into a mental health clinic with 10 people over 10 years younger than me... and the woman who ran the place was on my ass because I wasn't socializing with people half my age. Because I was off doing my own thing a lot, and hanging out in my room. And she told me I was "isolating" and that it was a bad thing for me. Yet, not a single person in that place gave half a fuck about anything I was interested in at all. And they were super rude about it too. They just did whatever the fuck they wanted to do, talked about whatever the fuck they liked, played their music. Shoegaze and drag shows and weird reality shows that made me cringe and all that shit. They shit on all my interests, all my contributions, they made zero effort to get to know me as a person, to get to know what I like, even who I am or why I was there. They treated me like a stereotype of "adult straight white male", and were super prejudiced against me because of it. And I'm "isolating" by not spending time with people who literally barely know who the fuck I am, and don't really seem to care. I was exiled, because I was different. And I let them have their "W", I have plenty of experience in that field, and I just went business as usual without going crying to staff about how mean everyone was being.

See, I just keep going careening down memory lane. All the times when I was scared out of my mind, or being unfairly cast aside, by myself, just wanting nothing more than someone to just... be a goddamn friend. And being rejected, having no one left to even call, or worse... being yelled at and told how me asking for company and support was a problem for them. It's so dark. It makes me scared of people.

Like... how can you see someone you've known for years be scared out of their mind, super confused, alone, just trying to make sense of their situation so they can plot a safe path forward... and roll your fucking eyes at them. How detached from empathy can you be to get to that state?

I have to keep reminding myself that these people probably have never been alone to the degree that I have. They've probably never seen a full week of zero contact with other people. They've probably never been in a thunderstorm alone with the power out by themselves, with no cell service. They've probably never seen a disturbing horror movie and laid in bed alone in the dark for hours jumping at every creak of the old house, wanting nothing more than to just have someone to distract them, but if they even text a friend, they are going to be told how disrespectful and intrusive they are being by even texting.

I have to also remember that... my therapist wasn't saying this. He misunderstood what I was saying, as though I was planning to spam-text a stranger at 3AM every day because I'm hearing people walk down the hallway. And he's right, that's a great way to burn a bridge with a new friend. And I do not fault him for trying to protect me from that rejection and hypothetical conflict.

I've been doing really goddamn good with stuff like this. The usual cabin fever stuff. The creaks and shadows, the sounds from other apartments, the ghostly afterimages of my cat which have bittersweetly faded over time. It really doesn't bother me that much, not nearly as much as it has in times passed. I think it only would become surreally upsetting if I were super sleep deprived or if I were high, I could definitely see that happening. It was just that leg thing. The trauma-related stuff.

Oh, here's the funny part. So I looked up the number he gave me, the mental health line. And there's a note on it that says "In case of medical emergency, call ______". XD So... if I'm having a crisis because I don't know if I'm having a medical trauma flashback or an actual medical emergency, and I don't want to waste medical resources... and then I look up this number and it tells me to not waste mental health resources with medical problems. I mean come on. I dive head-first into a feedback loop!

The part that's upsetting me in all of this is like... the core of the entire mechanism that's fritzing out in that moment is... I don't want to bother people with something that isn't an emergency. I don't want to cry wolf. I don't want to upset people. I don't want to waste peoples' time. And the exact thing my therapist was concerned about was... me wasting peoples' time and resources. And it just made me feel so... insulted, honestly. Meh, maybe that's not the right word. Misunderstood. Unknown. Like he really didn't understand what that moment was for me.

And he did tell me he thought it was a misunderstanding, so... just gotta ground myself there. It still really hurts. I try so hard to be super respectful and thoughtful every day. I try to be very quiet with my footsteps. I wear headphones all the time. I listen to music in the shower, but I try to keep it at a moderate level and I sound checked it a few times outside the bathroom door and it didn't seem too loud, and if one person complains, I will keep the volume lower. I don't skate in town at all anymore. I say please and thank you, and I mean it sincerely. I wish people a good day, and I mean it sincerely. I try not to take or ask for more than I need, I try to give back as much as I can afford. And it's like all that is for nothing.

Ugh. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

I wrote like 7 paragraphs to send to my therapist, clarifying what I felt and why, giving backstory, how it reminded me of my parents and shit. How like... I learned that my family upbringing wasn't healthy... how being like 6 and waking up from an existential nightmare screaming and bawling and having your mom just sorta sit on the bed next to you until you're done crying and then you go back to sleep is like... not normal. How it's okay to admit weakness and ask for support, and it's actually really important to do that. Things that were not taught in my family at all, in fact... much of the opposite was taught. And I was exiled from my family for being "needy", for seeking emotional support in a time of need. And I was going to send that message to him... and the new messaging system had a character limit. Yeah...

So... I told him... I didn't feel comfortable spamming messages at him... in response to him being concerned... that I was going to be spamming messages at people... when I was freaking out... Yeah... It felt like a bad look. I hit a wall with it. I just didn't send it. I went for a walk.

Fuck it. I've been a model therapy client for a long time. He can work for this one. I'm not gonna wear that look. If he wants to know the reason why he set off an anxiety attack that left emotional waves for... 2 days now... he can follow up. I really need to put that energy into like... managing the emotions and taking care of myself. Not worrying about some potential "I told you so" from a licensed professional. Or worry about spoon-feeding context to him outside of session hours.

Maybe I'm doing that whole clawing for resolution thing again. It kinda feels like it. Ugh.

You know, I went for a walk today, and it was totally fine. For the most part. There were two moments that were not okay, that I'll get out of the way first. I explored further up the trail up by where the trail goes under the highway, and I saw a hammock with crocs under it and I got a little sketched out. I was afraid I was about to walk into a homeless camp or something. I probably wasn't, but like... I was alone... I just didn't wanna chance it, so I turned around. It wasn't the end of the world. The other was seeing a guy who was acting weird at the bus stop on my way to the trail, who was still there when I was coming back, so I just took a different path to avoid him. Like... seriously minor shit, totally fine, but bumps nonetheless.

On the plus side, I had a cool synchronicity moment. I was walking the river walk behind this college-age couple with a puppy following them off-leash, it was adorable. I couldn't stop smiling! And after I passed them, I walked past some geese that were being illuminated by the sunset, right as the song had lines that rhymed with "golden goose", like... both syllables, like the rhyme fit perfectly into the chorus. It made me chuckle. And I got this really cool image in my head of this wood carving of a Canadian Goose, then I reworked it in my head into a drawing of one on textile. It was a fun moment. Then like 50 feet later up the trail, I saw a rabbit and had a little eye-contact conversation with it. Then I had in impulse to go on a side-trail to the riverside, and I saw a beaver swimming across the river. And stayed and watched it for a while, which was really cool. It was so big! Then I saw the hammock, so I turned around. But on my way back, I started filming first person on the trail so I have a few minutes of footage to work with for my project.

Overall, it was a really nice walk, very nice day, beautiful sunset, nice encounters with nature. It was a great interlude from the chaos in my head unearthed by this crap.

I made fried rice, it was good. I watched MrMoon and it was a really funny stream. I got a lot of the topographical map animation rendered, I'm 90% sure it's done... I just played a little Risk of Rain 2 to take a break while it was rendering.

Oh shit, also... I was checking out the wood in the woods as I was walking, looking for a decent sized stump that I could haul back and use as a decorative table. I wanted to like... core out the top a bit and plant a moss garden in it? And have it sorta be a standing planter. But... that shit is super heavy, I know that from experience. So... don't really know what to do about that right now, like how I would get that back to my apartment... Not my top priority. But I did spot a bunch of moss that I could harvest if I so choose.

So yeah, here I am. I have three steps left in my video. The last animation section where I draw my transition of thought from AI to... me doing the pathfinding... then the transition from 3rd person to 1st person. Then... the IRL hiking footage. Then... the outro with like... all my inactive social media on it. XD Then it's done-so.

Yay!

So yeah, I'd like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight. I hope to get to the skatepark soon, and just get outside more. I'd like to go sit at a table by the river and just draw one of these days, like pen to paper in a sketchbook. It's been ages. I miss it.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'd really like it if that pestering emotional voice in my head would like... leave me alone about shit that happened years ago. I've been practicing that whole "take the thoughts and pretend they're a leaf and put them on the thought-river" thing over and over and an hour later they just come back. It wears on me.

But hey, on a good note, despite me having all these alarm bells set off... I still went outside and went for a nice walk. I showered and got dressed. I worked on my project. I cooked. I had a normal day. That's really really good. And it was a nice day, that other reliving the past crap aside. I mean that! So I do want to celebrate that and give it the stage-time it deserves.

Here's hoping for a nice, peaceful, happy day tomorrow. For all of us. Cheers!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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lovenee · 2 years

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9, 11, 12, & 33

9. how tall are you? I'm 5'1" or 154cm tall <3

11. how many pairs of shoes do you own? Upwards of 20 😬😬 i love shoes (ฅᵕ̳ᴗᵕ̳ฅ)｡◍♡

12. What was your last dream about? Omg so my meds give me SUPER vivid dreams all the time. Last night I had a dream that was I paddle boarding down the river but I was like, on my way to work and running super late to my job that was a dog groomers/mcdonalds and when I got there they made me climb through the window and I wound up accidentally canceling a bunch of orders. It seemed hella real at the time aksjajs.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I don't typically eat breakfast but if I do it's usually just a piece if bread and then im about the door ajsjaja

thank you miss vane (ฅᵕ̳ᴗᵕ̳ฅ)｡◍♡

#ask games

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sparklecarehospital · 5 years

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could you maybe ramble off some fun facts about the characters? i rlly love learning abt them and it calmz me down a lot 4 some reason.. if u dont have the energy its ok!!

You have NO IDEA how excited this ask makes me because I LOVE talking about everyone so here's some stuff about Uni and Barry!!! (Also don't worry about me not having energy this is like all I can talk about sometimes)!!!!!!

Barry:

Reads and writes fan fiction about Bingo Bongo Theory, has a crush on Shelldon (a tortoise) and gets mad if you call him a turtle. He actually likes writing a lot, but he's honestly TERRIBLE at it, using overly complex words and bad sentence structure. He thinks he's great and has fun though which is honestly really valid and good

His favorite flower is lavender

His favorite color is orange

Has vivid dreams, usually about situations he's in (like the hospital). He also dreams about people obsessively when he has feelings for them and it makes him really mad. He's had prophetic dreams and they make him really paranoid and it feeds into the fact he thinks he knows everything.

Actually very affectionate if you're close with him, he will give hugs to people if he trusts them but he struggles immensely with touching hands directly unless he trusts you more than anyone on the planet (so if he wants to hold hands with you he's probably deeply in love with you)

He likes 5980's music (which is 80s music on Earth) and is embarrassed about it because he feels it's not good for his Intellectual and Sophisticated Image.

He actually feels a lot of anxiety over some of his interests because he's worried about people thinking less of him.

Has a unicorn stuffed animal named Corny that he was given as a baby

Vegan!!! He doesn't like products that come from orbs.

LOVES when people actually listen to him infodump because it doesn't happen very often!!! He loves talking about science and different kinds of it, especially stuff like outer space and stars and constellations. It fascinates him endlessly and he wants to learn more about the universe

Favorite subject in school was science, still is

He doesn't like saying swear words and this means he won't call the Bitch Sea by its name. He calls it the Dog Sea instead

Uni:

His favorite colors are pink and green

Has a really specific nervous stim which is clenching his upper arm (either one, but usually the left). If he does this he's really nervous or anxious or upset, and it helps him feel better to kinda shield himself like that. (I draw him doing this a lot)

His favorite vegetable and food in general is carrots and anything of the carrot variety. But he doesn't liked canned carrots at all

Favorite flower is roses

Has an OC universe called the Glooneeverse that focuses on his OC named Gloo Mee and one named Sue Nee. Gloo is a cat who lives in a raincloud and cries constantly, and Sue is a dog that is happy and lives in a cloud house with sunshine constantly radiating from her. Gloo and Sue are OCs that Uni has had since elementary school that he used to make comic strips about. He has a lot of little comic books he's made over the years at the hospital about the two of them. He doesn't like sharing them though because he doubts his art a lot.

Always technically crying blood but when he ACTUALLY cries he gets it literally everywhere. He needs to wash things a lot because of getting blood on them (sometimes including Bearry). It's usually his pillow case or gown

He makes puppets of his friends and practices conversations with them whenever he's lonely or needs someone to talk to but doesn't wanna leave his room- which is actually most of the time, he only leaves to eat or go to club or OT. He doesn't loiter around like Carrie does because he's kinda introverted and gets anxious if he's out of his hospital room for too long.

Has really bad insomnia and sometimes passes out from lack of sleep. He takes meds for it but they don't really help. When he does sleep he usually has nightmares

He doesn't need his glasses to get around the hospital because he's memorized the layout, he only uses them when he's making art or gaming or something. He actually doesn't even know what some new patients look like outside of color because what little vision he has is blurry and dim. If he were to leave he'd be REALLY lost and need guidance by someone with good vision

Develops feelings for people really easily. If someone's nice to him he will probably get a crush on them (in the event that they are also a guy) but sometimes he just likes guys randomly. He's had a crush on most guys in the hospital at some point but most of them have faded or become less prominent/irrelevant. The feelings he gets are never very serious and he's actually never been genuinely in love with anybody before!!!!!!

Likes music that is upbeat and poppy and dancey, because it gets him inspired to make art. But he doesn't actually like to dance, just sit there and listen to the music

(almost forgot this really specific one) HAS A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FEAR OF ALIENS. Literally horrible. Talk of aliens or UFO sightings makes him REALLY scared, and he hates sci-fi things that have aliens in them. He actually has nightmares about aliens a lot.

HATES horror movies and anything violent, like violent video games. He struggles with playing games where you have to kill enemies because he gets super sad about hurting them. He can play Orbemon though (Spinch Pokemon)

Regarding each other:

Uni is baby spoon when they cuddle

They like looking at the stars together

Barry likes to watch Uni draw and make art

Uni encourages and tries to help Barry improve his writing even if he struggles to comprehend what it says sometimes

They sometimes listen to music together

Uni likes watching top 10 list videos and will put on sciencey ones for Barry to watch with him. Barry really enjoys that!!!

When either of them have a nightmare they go to the other's bed and talk about it and hug it out and sometimes will sleep in the others bed if they're too scared to be alone even after talking about it

They actually like being together a lot. Uni felt really lonely before Barry came, and Barry didn't have a roommate at school either. Even when they're not talking they just enjoy knowing somebody is there if they need to talk

Sorry this took so long for me to write, I'm pretty sure I spent over an hour on it and it's not even everything I could say about them!!! Sorry if this fills anyone's dash idk how to do read more on mobile

#answers #long post #very long post #fun facts #aliens #aliens //#ufos #ufos //

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asroarke · 6 years

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ASROARKE’S 2018 FIC RECS

Last year, I made a fic rec list of all my favorites from 2017, so I’m making this into a tradition! To me, there’s no better way to kick off the new year than to celebrate all the beautiful works that our community created in 2018. So, here is a list of my favorites from this past year. Each of these put a smile on my face and made the world just a bit brighter. So thank you... not just to the writers I tag in this post, but to all the fanfiction writers out there.

Don’t Wake Me, I’m Not Dreaming by @grumpybell

Rated: M | Chapters: 3/3 | Words: 56k+

He turns his head to the side to look at her, so Clarke mirrors him. They aren't touching, but they're lying close, fingertips nearly brushing. The moment stretches out, spanning centuries in just a few breaths. Anything is possible here.

He links his pinky with hers, a point of contact. An anchor.

a Bellarke Modern AU in which Clarke has the ability to visit other people’s dreams and Bellamy… is kind of a special case.

I want to do to you what spring does to the cherry trees by @enoughtotemptme

Rated: E | Chapters: 5/5 | Words: 35k+

Clarke Griffin was born in space, where her life had been mapped out for her: become a doctor like her mother, be a dutiful daughter and friend, match with a partner and have a child, so the human race could continue to live.

It had been an easy life to contemplate, because there were no choices. There was only one path for her to follow, and only one life.

Being branded a criminal and being sent to the ground changed all of that.

Finding out there were people alive on earth changed it all again.

Suddenly she was free.

Suddenly she was faced with thousands of choices, very few of them easy or simple.

Except one.

Inspired by an anonymous ask from three years ago. Season 1 Canon-Divergent Grounder!Bellamy AU.

Guy in Your MFA by @bettsfic

Rated: E | Chapters: 13/13 | Words: 42k+

Clarke, failing to get into med school, accepts an offer into a creative writing MFA instead. So far so good, except there’s this writer in the program everyone keeps talking about like he’s some kind of prose god. When she meets him, she assumes he’s going to be a pretentious asshole. She’s ready to hate him. She wants to hate him.

But then he ends up being actually kind of a nice guy.

And she may or may not fall stupidly in love with him.

I Hear You’re Somewhere In the Sand by @ponyregrets

Rated: E | Chapters: 2/2 | Words: 21k+

Bellamy knows that the best way to deal with his plus-one for the company cruise breaking up with him would be to just tell his boss that he's not bringing anyone after all, but his boss seemed so happy that he finally had a girlfriend, he'd really rather not.

He was hoping Raven would just come with him, but when she tells him her ex-boyfriend runs an escort service and could find him someone, well, that works too, right? He could use some professional help.

I’ll Give You That by @youleftme-clarke

Rated: E | Chapters: 1/1 | Words: 6k+

Clarke wants to know what sex is like. Bellamy offers to show her. Feelings happen.

I'm bad at summaries but this is super soft/mildly praise-kinky Bellarke PWP. The dirty talk is very real. It's also the filthiest thing I've ever written, so there's that.

Lost & Found by @tracylorde

Rated: G | Chapters: 1/1 | Words: 2k

Alex said: alright which one of us is gonna write the fic where bellamy goes off on a tangent to Clarke about someone not returning his book (probably Murphy) years ago and leaving him with an incomplete set, and then Clarke helps him get the book back (while high key falling in love with his nerdy self, or maybe she had been in love with him all along???)?

...so I did :)

when there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire by @octannibal-blake

Rated: M | Chapters: 7/? | Words: 32k+

The first time she meets Bellamy Blake, he's spitting blood into a dirty bathroom sink somewhere on the outskirts of Polis. Or: the angsty bellarke boxing fic literally no one asked for.

of flight delays and tinder matches by fathomless

Rated: NR | Chapters: 1/1 | Words: 1.5k

Inspired by the tweet, "My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they're bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes 'ouch hard no for that one?' And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON RIGHT BEHIND ME HAHAHA"

the land was godless and free by @hawthornewhisperer

Rated: M | Chapters: 4/4 | Words: 16k

Wind ruffled his hair and Bellamy watched the countryside slide past. Acres of corn stretched all the way to the horizon, broken only by fences and the occasional lone farmhouse. Farther south the farmland had turned to dust, but up here, they were still plodding along.

It felt like that’s all the country had been doing for the past four years— plodding along. Bellamy had tried to make do at first, but the factory shut down for good two years ago and with it went the last available jobs nearby. Bellamy was forced to leave Octavia in Indra’s care and set out, looking for whomever would hire him.

Turned out, thousands of other men had had the same idea. So Bellamy became one of a roving band of men who moved from town to town in search of work. They traveled by the rail lines, and some had come to like it too much, in his opinion. Those men clumped into groups and he had fallen in with one at first but quickly learned to steer clear, their naked greed and viciousness turning his stomach.

Now he traveled more or less alone, watching for his stop out the open train car door on a cloudless, searing day.

Set The Dark On Fire by @talistheintrovert

Rated: T | Chapters: 3/3 | Words: 48k

Clarke isn't coping well with peacetime on the Eligius ship, and while Bellamy has woken some of the others (mainly spacekru) and tries to organise a trip to the ground, making decisions and considering all the variables, Clarke makes a choice of her own:

She'll take herself out of the equation.

OR: the post season 5 idea I had to write because all of the unresolved emotional turmoil this season is actually killing me and someone needs to notice that Clarke is in pain, for the love of god.

les rêves amoureux by @eleanor-sheleanor

Rated: E | Chapters: 1/3 | Words: 3k

“The water makes you sick?” Bellamy asked, raising an eyebrow. The man from Eligius IV shook his head.

“Not physically sick. But it might give you hallucinations."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bellamy drinks water from another planet and has a sex dream which is .... vivid, to say the least.

#bellarke fanfiction #fic recs #bellarke ff #2018 fic rec list #and this list is by no means exclusive #a lot of the things i had marked as faves on tumblr disappeared during the purge #so i did the best i could by memory

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whickedlydeviant · 5 years

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I Hate Everything About You: Chapter 4 w/ @DarkLoverLost

Wrath:

I’m not quite sure how long it had been since everything went dark in the alley, but none of this had turned out like I had planned. I was supposed to be spending the rest of eternity with my Queen, not shunned at the doors of The Fade, only to end up here, in what was obviously the med suite with a bullet lodged in my heart and another that had been through-and-through in my gut. Well, I was guessing by now that bullet lodged in my heart had been removed. Or, at least I hoped it had. I’d obviously had surgery due to that hideous incision going all the way down my chest. Thank fuck we don’t scar.

My attempt to move triggered all sorts of alarms that only made my head pound worse, so I fell back on the gurney and closed my eyes. In an instant, Manny and Ehlena were both at my side, waiting to hear how I was feeling, where I was hurting, and most importantly how they could help. “You could leave me the fuck alone, is how you can help!” I knew it was harsh, but I had just been put through the ringer. Do you have any idea what it’s like to finally find yourself at the doors of The Fade, only to be turned away by the one person you love most in the entire world? Yeah, I didn’t want any kind of help. I just wanted to go back, back to The Fade and have it turn out all differently.

Manny and Ehlena were insisting on answers, but I didn’t care. I just kept my eyes closed and tried to wish it all away. Eventually, they gave up, telling each other I needed some more rest. Things would be different in a few hours. Best of fucking luck to you on that!

Whicked:

*I blinked once, twice, three times trying to clear my vision. My head was pounding but I didn’t have the heaviness I felt before I passed out. Shit! I passed out due to blood loss from giving the King a major transfusion. I sat up quickly, looking around an unfamiliar bedroom. My eyes darted around until they settled on a red headed Male sat in the corner. He settled a book on his lap, a smile curving up the corners of his mouth. “Hey Whicked, how you feeling?” I tugged the duvet up higher realising I was still in my soiled bra and leather trousers “Uhhhhh who are you and where am I?” He reached up and ran his hand through his hair and then leaned back and stretched out until he cracked a few tight muscles. “Well...my name is Blaylock, you can call me Blay and you are safe, you are at our compound. I brought you up here to rest, you collapsed after you fed the Wrath. I thought I would hang around till you woke up, see if I could maybe offer you my vein, you know... to say thank you for saving the King.

I eyed the Male wearily, he seemed nice enough I guess and if I was still in the Brotherhood’s compound I was surely safe. He seemed to anticipate my wariness and his smile turned into a soft chuckle. “Don’t worry, you are safe here. No-one will come through these doors if you don’t want them to, I will make sure of that, if that is what you want of course. That includes me, if you don’t want me in here, I will totally respect your choice and I can take this chair out into the hall with me. Your call.”

Wrath:

Eventually, thinking that I needed some sleep, Ehlena and Manny left the room. Of course, they left the door half-open and I knew they weren’t far, but I could finally relax a little. I didn’t have to pretend to be sleeping anymore. I opened my eyes and ran through all the recent events.

The trip to The Fade almost seemed like a dream. At that point, I might have actually believed it had been… if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had /felt/ Beth’s breath on my face as she leaned in to kiss me, the touch of her soft lips brushing against mine, and the way my heart broke when she turned me away. The intensity of it all had been way too vivid to have been a dream. I would have rather it had been a dream, because that would mean that Beth was still up there, waiting to welcome me unto The Fade with open arms. But, I knew she wasn’t. I knew if I did something like this again, it would end up with the same outcome. Beth standing guard over the doors to The Fade, keeping me out for some unknown reason. How could she do this to me? If the roles were reversed, I never would have been able to turn her away! No. Fucking. Way! Not in a million years could I deny that female anything! How could she possibly have denied me?

My thoughts began to drift and I realized that before they had left, someone had added a slight bit of sedative to my IV. Well, fuck! That’ll teach me to pretend to be asleep.

Whicked:

*I eyed the redhead slightly less warily than before, he seemed pretty chill. I shrugged my shoulders lightly. “Sure...stay if you want but could I maybe get a clean tee or something? Not sure if is such a good idea to walk around here in just my bra and leathers, right?” *He was up and out of the seat before I finished talking, he pulled open the door to a wardrobe and grabbed a plain black fleece from a shelf and gently tossed it my way. I caught it mid air and smiled as he turned his back to me so I could slip it on. “You know, we do have a shower here, you could get yourself cleaned up if you want before Fritz takes you home?” I pulled my flame coloured locks out from the fleece* Fritz? Sorry who is Fritz? *He turned back to face me* He is the main man around here, he makes sure that everyone is taken care of properly. He will take you home, whenever you are good to go but like I said, you can take a shower or I can get you some food from the kitchen, whatever you want?

I pushed back the sheets and clambered out of the bed. “Truthfully I just want to get out of here and get back home, I probably shouldn’t be here. You guys don’t usually put up strangers here, right? So I don’t wanna compromise you or anything.” He nodded slowly, his fingers playing with the bottom of his cashmere sweater anxiously as if he was jonesing for something. My guess would be that he was either coming off of smokes or drugs. He seemed pretty squeaky clean so my guess was that it was cigarettes. I made for the door but paused and reached out to steady myself against the wall to wait out a bout of dizziness. I needed to take a vein, maybe I could make till I get home and call Ahxton, the Male I usually fed from.

Wrath:

Trying hard to fight the drugs that were running through my veins, I faded in and out, all the while trying to remember every small detail about my time with Beth. There was the unbelievable sensation of having her in my arms, again, as well as the fury that unfolded as she fought with me to leave. But, there was something else that tickled just beyond the details of my memory. It was something that I didn’t understand, and made me a little uneasy… what the fuck was it? As the memories floated through my head, I tried to remember it all, but the drugs were making it all so difficult. However, that one thing seemed so important. Something about there being so much ahead of me… What the fuck was it that she said?

I took a deep breath and allowed the drugs to take over. Hopefully, once I have my wits about me again, things will be more clear. One could only hope, because this mish-mash of memories tangling together was beginning to piss me off. I wanted to remember it all, every single second of my time with my Queen. Apparently, it would be the last time I saw her for a long, long time and I wanted to savor every moment.

Whicked:

*Black dots appeared in my vision as I used the wall to support my weight. Well maybe I couldn’t wait till I got home to feed. Blaylock came over behind me but kept his hands off my svelte frame, but I knew if it seemed like I was gonna faceplant the floor, he would catch me first. I pushed off the wall gently and half walked, half stumbled back over to the bed. Blaylock sat down on the bed, but kept a generous distance as if maintaining a modicum of decency. Something I definitely wasn’t used to with the Males I have fed from before, including Ahxton, although he was one of the nicer I had been with.

As I sat next to the Male, he rolled up his sweater sleeve and slowly put his forearm out to me. I sat and stared at his proffered arm for a moment as if convincing myself that I needed to do this, in truth I didn’t like this feeling of being out of control, I never let myself get to this eat a horse kinda hungry before and I 100% didn’t want to get like this again. The lightheadedness made me feel like a space cadet. I leaned over and gently wrapped my hand around his wrist, pulling him toward me. I eyed his veins keenly before I angled my head closer. As my fangs elongated, I licked my lips, the hunger taking over me. I stuck at his wrist like a cobra, unable to be gentle about my bite. He stiffened for a second or two before relaxing as I began taking long pulls of his blood.

Wrath:

Once I woke up, my head felt like complete shit. The pounding headache, along with the muffled recollection of all that had happened made me want to vomit. That’s not even to mention the sounds of all the hospital equipment beeping and making noises. “Shut this shit up!” I screamed as I swung my arms out wide, hoping to push some of it away. I wasn’t super thrilled to have anyone in the room, poking and prodding at me, or inquisitioning me, but my head felt like it was about to explode and if someone didn’t shut this crap up soon, I was going to stumble out of bed and destroy it all.

It took all of about 5 seconds for Manny and Ehlena to be at my bedside, Tohr quick on their heels. Manny and Ehlena were firing off questions about my health and how I was feeling, while Tohr was giving me the third degree. What the hell did I think I was doing? Did I not take into consideration how this would affect the race, the Brotherhood, LW? I just about leapt off the gurney at him for that one. He didn’t seem to care, though. He kept right on going. It was obvious that he was beyond pissed. Well so the fuck was I! I had been through literal hell and back in the past day or so (I was guessing on the time) and wanted no part of this berating horseshit he was throwing at me.

“I don’t need to put up with this bullshit from you, Tohr. Just get the fuck out!” I snarled, trying to muster up as much aggression as I could in the situation I was in.

Slender fingers wrapped around Tohr’s arm, “Tohr, please. He needs to rest.” Ehlena pleaded, but aside from flinging his arm out of her grasp, he ignored her.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you think you need, Wrath! You went out there with a death wish! Don’t fool yourself for a second into thinking that there is one person in this mansion that doesn’t realize that!” Turning to Manny, he shot out. “Get me a goddamn wheelchair.” Shouting out the door, “Butch, get your ass in here. I’m going to need your help.”

Whicked:

*His blood felt amazing as it slid down my throat, I could feel his power running into my veins, returning some of my strength to me. I didn’t take much, only enough to make me strong enough to get home and set up something with Ahxton. Truth be told feeding from this Male felt all wrong, and I wasn’t sure that feeding from Ahx would be any different. There was only one Male I wanted to feed from. What?! What the fuck was I thinking? The King was off limits to a civilian like me, shit to any Female. He was grieving over his Shellan and from what I heard, it was hard for a bonded Male to ever get over the loss of his Mate. I am sure it would be worse if that Shellan had bore a young, like the Queen had for Wrath. The Male had lost the centre of his universe and here was I wondering how his blood would taste. What the fuck was wrong with me, mooning over an unavailable Male such as Wrath.

He watched me intently for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah sure, of course. I will do that right now for you. *He nodded to the door at the back of the room* The bathroom is right in there if you want to freshen up for the trip, you know clean up or something”? I got up as if on autopilot and headed to the closed door, behind me I heard the handset of the phone next to the bed being picked up and the push of a button. As I pushed open the door and flicked the lightswitch, I could hear Blaylock talking over the phone to someone, Fritz I assumed. I closed the door and stood against it. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before taking a few short steps to the mirror and glancing into it, checking out my reflection. My skin was white as a snowdrop against the fire engine red of my hair. There were streaks of blood across my face, the King’s blood. A few scratches from digging through the rubble I guess. Dirt and blood matted my hair, well at least the fleece I had put on was clean. I would hate to see how bad I looked underneath it.

A soft knock at the door startled me and I heard Blaylock’s voice through the door. “Whicked, we are ready to go whenever you are”. I took a deep cleansing breath and about turned and pulled open the door. “OK, then let’s go, I am ready now.”

Wrath:

Manny gave Tohr a hard look, but exited the room, anyway. No sooner was he gone and Butch was there.

“Oh, good.” Ehlena remarked, “Talk some sense into Tohr, please? Wrath needs to rest.”

“Wrath can rest when he’s actually dead and gone, for good. Right now, he needs to get his ass down the hallway and properly thank this female for the offering of her vien. If it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t be here right now, and as much as he wishes that statement were true, she needs to be thanked. Now, work it out so that all this shit he’s attached to can move with him. They’ve already called for Fritz to take her home.”

Was he fucking serious?! He was going to get me out of this gurney, feeling and looking like I was, and force me down the corridor to thank some female for doing something I never asked her to do, and if I could’ve, I wouldn’t have asked it of her? “Fuck you, Tohr! You are not getting me out of this goddamn bed!”

“Maybe not alone. But, that’s why I’m here.” Came the thick Boston accent. “Between the two of us and the drugs in your system, we’ll get you in that wheelchair and down the hall. She needs to be thanked, man, and not by the rest of us. It needs to come from you. Respect.”

Within seconds Manny walked in, wheelchair in tow. He still had a sour look on his face and it was directed at Tohr and Butch. “He shouldn’t be doing this, right now. He needs his rest. He’s still recovering. For crying out loud, he was shot twice, once in the heart. Give him a beat.”

His pleading was all for naught, though. These two shitheads weren’t listening to reason. They were just pissed off at me, so this was retaliation.

Whicked:

*I brushed a lock of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. I stepped out of the bathroom and followed the Male out of the room. Once out in the hallway, there seemed to be a lot of commotion, people everywhere. The blonde warrior and his Shellan. A tall brunette Female standing close by them, she eyed me and smiled. Another brunette stood with the King’s son and a teenage girl roughly about the same age as the young prince. I felt eyes on me from everywhere. As we got to the staircase, I caught sight of an aged doggen waiting patiently at the foot of the stairs, ah this must be Fritz. The peanut gallery were all standing at the edge of the balustrade, peering down at us. Seemed to be everyone but Vishous and the King, well everyone I had seen before at least.

“Mistress, if you would like to follow me, I shall take you to your home before the sun comes up”. I glanced over at Blaylock and offered him a small smile. “Thank you Blaylock, for the offer of your vein and for taking care of me….I appreciate it.” I gave him a small nod and he smiled back. “No problem Whicked, the least I could do for the Female who saved the King.”

I took one last look around the foyer, part of me wishing that Wrath had been here, I would have liked to see him before I left, but I am sure he was still flat out on his back recovering from this wounds.

I followed the doggen out of the Mansion and into the darkness beyond. Fritz held open the passenger side rear door, and I slid in without a backward glance. I needed to get home and try and put this whole mess behind me.

Wrath:

I, in no way, helped the two asshats get me into that wheelchair. But, they were right. Between the drugs and the two of them, I was by far outmanned. So, after attempting to fight them off, and ten minutes later, I was firmly planted in the wheelchair Manny had drug in.

Before they wheeled me off, Manny and Ehlena insisted on making sure that all cables were connected properly and weren’t going to get ripped off by the trip. They also wanted to check my stats one more time, after all the manhandling was done. Blood pressure and heart rate a little elevated, but within acceptable ranges. Finally, reluctantly, they gave their okay.

As we wheeled out of the room, I half expected there to be a hallway full of faces, waiting on news of my wellbeing. I should have known better. As Tohr had said, they all knew what I had done and not one of them had really been interested in seeing me. Not even LW was down there, which was probably for the best. He didn’t need to see me as I was. At this point, I wasn’t sure how I would face him again. I hadn’t planned for that. How was I going to look him in the eyes after what I had done? Fuck! Why did she have to turn me away? Then I heard her voice, clear as day, ‘You have so much ahead of you. Welcome it. Welcome her…’

“Stop!” I growled. It was the memory that had been just beyond reach all day. ‘Welcome it. Welcome her…’ Fuck no! There was no way in hell she sent me back to love another… to love her. I reached out and grabbed at the next doorknob I saw. “I said, fucking stop!” Everything in my gut told me who the her was and I was not having it.

#IHateEverythingAboutYou #Chapter4 #EBRPG #BDB

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darkloverlost · 5 years

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I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU: CHAPTER 4 w/@DelicateDeviant

The Zombie King: I’m not quite sure how long it had been since everything went dark in the alley, but none of this had turned out like I had planned. I was supposed to be spending the rest of eternity with my Queen, not shunned at the doors of The Fade, only to end up here, in what was obviously the med suite with a bullet lodged in my heart and another that had been through-and-through in my gut. Well, I was guessing by now that bullet lodged in my heart had been removed. Or, at least I hoped it had. I’d obviously had surgery due to that hideous incision going all the way down my chest. Thank fuck we don’t scar.

Whicked:

Wrath:

My thoughts began to drift and I realized that before they had left, someone had added a slight bit of sedative to my IV. Well, fuck! That’ll teach me to pretend to be asleep.

Whicked:

Wrath: Trying hard to fight the drugs that were running through my veins, I faded in and out, all the while trying to remember every small detail about my time with Beth. There was the unbelievable sensation of having her in my arms, again, as well as the fury that unfolded as she fought with me to leave. But, there was something else that tickled just beyond the details of my memory. It was something that I didn’t understand, and made me a little uneasy… what the fuck was it? As the memories floated through my head, I tried to remember it all, but the drugs were making it all so difficult. However, that one thing seemed so important. Something about there being so much ahead of me… What the fuck was it that she said?

Whicked:

Wrath: Once I woke up, my head felt like complete shit. The pounding headache, along with the muffled recollection of all that had happened made me want to vomit. That’s not even to mention the sounds of all the hospital equipment beeping and making noises. “Shut this shit up!” I screamed as I swung my arms out wide, hoping to push some of it away. I wasn’t super thrilled to have anyone in the room, poking and prodding at me, or inquisitioning me, but my head felt like it was about to explode and if someone didn’t shut this crap up soon, I was going to stumble out of bed and destroy it all.

“I don’t need to put up with this bullshit from you, Tohr. Just get the fuck out!” I snarled, trying to muster up as much aggression as I could in the situation I was in.

Slender fingers wrapped around Tohr’s arm, “Tohr, please. He needs to rest.” Ehlena pleaded, but aside from flinging his arm out of her grasp, he ignored her.

Whicked:

I pulled away from Blaylock and wiped my lips with the back of my already blood covered hand. I sat as still as stone and stared at them. They were stained with the King’s blood, the King had almost died….in my arms. I started to shake uncontrollably and Blaylock looked at me concerned, his eyes locked onto me. “Whicked, are you ok?” I barely heard his question, it only dimly registered as I stared at my hands which I started rubbing against my leather trousers. “Uh...yeah, I um, I just need to go home Blaylock, can you get that Fritz guy to take me home. Now. Please? He watched me intently for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah sure, of course. I will do that right now for you. *He nodded to the door at the back of the room* The bathroom is right in there if you want to freshen up for the trip, you know clean up or something”? I got up as if on autopilot and headed to the closed door, behind me I heard the handset of the phone next to the bed being picked up and the push of a button. As I pushed open the door and flicked the lightswitch, I could hear Blaylock talking over the phone to someone, Fritz I assumed. I closed the door and stood against it. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before taking a few short steps to the mirror and glancing into it, checking out my reflection. My skin was white as a snowdrop against the fire engine red of my hair. There were streaks of blood across my face, the King’s blood. A few scratches from digging through the rubble I guess. Dirt and blood matted my hair, well at least the fleece I had put on was clean. I would hate to see how bad I looked underneath it.

Wrath:

Manny gave Tohr a hard look, but exited the room, anyway. No sooner was he gone and Butch was there.

“Oh, good.” Ehlena remarked, “Talk some sense into Tohr, please? Wrath needs to rest.”

His pleading was all for naught, though. These two shitheads weren’t listening to reason. They were just pissed off at me, so this was retaliation.

Whicked:

Wrath: I, in no way, helped the two asshats get me into that wheelchair. But, they were right. Between the drugs and the two of them, I was by far outmanned. So, after attempting to fight them off, and ten minutes later, I was firmly planted in the wheelchair Manny had drug in.

#IHateEverythingAboutYou #Chapter4 #EBRPG #BDB

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animalexpert · 5 years

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Wlrs; IX

Almost 10 deep, I should go through and re read all of these and see how much I’ve learned and what it’s helped me with and where I continue to be lost. I’m using my old laptop to host a Minecraft server for my friends and I to play on, and when I opened it up to launch up for the first time, it didn’t have my new internet and still had Facebook up from the last time I used it, a conversation with her stood right before me, the last thing I had done on this laptop for some reason. It was a nice conversation, from after we had spent a day together being wishful careless friends. Thoughts of her skulk through the shadows of my conscious, sometimes a thought connects to another thought that connects to her and my active chalkboard of a brain just starts writing her name over and over on the board. Even if isn’t coming across a literal conversation or a song or meme I’d just fucking love to share with her, I do it to myself lmao, I look at her posts, it’s very obvious to myself I don’t want to leave this behind but holy FUCK am I fighting for it. Her sister hit me up randomly once not too long ago, and it was one of the sparks that made me want to write her a letter so bad, and looking back even if her sister didn’t make any sense with why she hit me up it’s seriously comical the things I’ll accept as signs. I wonder if that’s a common human trait, likely considering I’m a very realistic and nihilistic person and even fall for thinking things are signs and believe pretty heavily in karma. It was discomforting how much IGOR made me think of her, it nearly embodied my feelings and our situation. That was the first listen, almost like a blunt discomfort. But the second listen was fuckin beautiful... I cried, the bass lines and soft acoustic guitars in Puppet, Running out of time left me wanting to knock on her door at 3 am and smile up into those tired eyes and ask for a late night walk. The whole album made me think of riding around moon out cool humidity head bobbing through town with her. The imagery is endless for me, I think that’s one of the things that makes it so hard to run away from, I don’t want to say goodbye forever to someone that inspires such vividness in my imagination. Days where I think about her and the traits she invokes in me I swear I’m even more funny, my wits sharp. I hope I was a whet stone for her character and brain, if they were swords that is, I think I may use a decent amount of analogies and metaphors without really noting or explaining them at all. Hope all my shit makes sense, there’s no reference key for these things, except me I guess. I miss talking to her so much, she has such a fun competent brain, I could talk about odd or taboo things that came to mind and she wouldn’t fray away, business ideas or serious plans she could give smart critical feedback on, and she loved hearing my stupid ideas. I remember one time I set up an army men war with her we each did one side and we were gonna have someone come a judge the battle for us and see who won based on out setups, and in my head I was happy and blessed af like holy fuck, I love the way this girls brain works, I love the way our brains work together. I miss the space we designed together, I wish it didn’t get taken down but I never would’ve left many memories of her behind if that space still existed. It’s real late, I should’ve slept but my mind was runnin wild tonight. I was talking to my friends and they said that our pal Chase can literally lay down and fall asleep in about 10 minutes or less at nearly any time, like if he needs to be up he can just be like okay lay down at 930 and go to sleep and it just happens. That is a fucking super power to me, I take meds to fall asleep comfortably 30-45 minutes later, and it doesn’t even work like 25 or so percent of the time. My mind seems to be clear when the night is dark though, so I guess it’s helpful every once in awhile to stay up. It’s time to lay down now though. The shadow of her silhouette drifts through my dreams.

#Me Fuckin feels m8 #Hi

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wishbone-md · 6 years

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A headache update

My life has just been so so so much better now that I switched from topamax to depakote. He suggested depakote first but I wanted topamax because up to date said it performed just a little better in randomized control trials + there was a weight loss effect. Unfortunately it just made me feel super doped out when I was on the target dose. It was the worst 6 weeks of my life in a long time. But now I’ve been on depakote and I feel like myself again. I can work on stuff and not stay in bed all damn day in the dark. I’m not taking pain meds every day, which I hate doing. I have these types of headaches every now and then now.

Still, the only issue that persists is having trouble sleeping. I miss my amitriptyline because it helped me a lot with that too. Trazodone made me really nauseated when I took it too many consecutive day so I think I might try it again soon and just space it out. I’ve been switching between melatonin, benadryl, and doxylamine which are all OTC. Sometimes it helps.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night multiple times. Usually in the middle of a vivid dream so of course I feel tired. Then the next day I have a headache (different than my chronic migraine ones) from being tired all day. So not 100% headache free yet which is what I still have hope for (maybe futile for me to think so).

I updated my neurologist on how well I’ve been doing (sans the sleeping issue, which has improved compared to how I was feeling before I submitted ERAS). The plan is to continue on depakote. I do miss amitriptyline but again I can’t work 24 hour shifts with it and the constipation was getting serious.

He told me this will likely be the last time we meet because he’s finally retiring. He counted about 513 weekend call shifts since starting residency and thought it was about time after yet another malingering patient who’s faking a stroke to get pain meds somehow. He went to the same medical school as me. He said it was an honor to treat me and to get to know me after all these years. I started seeing him when I was premed so like 5-6 years ago. He changed my life and I can’t really imaging even getting into medical school without his help because I just could not focus on studying when I was in pain all day. Sure, it really boiled down to doing several trials of different drugs to fix it but I didn’t feel like I was over exaggerating things. I will always advocate that if you have a problem, especially chronic pain, you might just be surprised what else can be done for you besides just pain meds.

We shook hands and he said that maybe he’ll see me at his favorite restaurant that’s in Likely Residency City for me, with him being a retired neurologist and me being a House Officer 1. I hope so.

#ms4 #med school #chronic headaches #depakote #amitriptyline #migraines #headaches

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loxxxlay · 6 years

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thelightofthingshopedfor replied to your post “the truth is, i don’t know what i wanna do (option between wanting to...”

Have you noticed other issues on lexapro, like not being able to focus on other types of writing, or not being as interested in other hobbies? because if so, it could be the lexapro. which my fingers keep trying to write lexaprop for some reason

ooooh interesting, i hadn’t thought about it like that before.

and now that i’m thinking about it, I’m doing a lot more hobbies actually? Like I’m actually able to do WCS dancing now (I’m obsessed with it), when before lexapro I was too intimidated and scared to dance with strangers. And it’s so much fun and totally becoming a creative-ish expression. I’m drawing/painting more than I was because lexapro helped me be less anxious about trying new things (i.e. asking librarians questions about the tech they have).

even my dreams have become batshit insane, like. twice a week, it’s some fun epic adventure, sometimes even starring my OCs, and at least something super vivid and interesting.

weirdly it’s like all the writing energy has been absorbed and channeled into everything but writing lol t___t ugh.

but anyway, now that i’m thinking about it, you made a super good point to consider other aspects of my life ahhh. and i guess i cannot blame my meds lmao, I can only blame myself. t____t i just want a reason why this is happening, you know? gahhhhh.

anyway thanks for supporting me!!

#thelightofthingshopedfor #lox replies #tw mental illness

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rottingfontanels · 2 years

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24 june 2022

good morning. it's currently quarter past 10am, and i just finished my morning routine. it's a pretty small routine– i get up, brush my teeth, take my meds, wash my face, moisturize my face, and put on lip balm. then i'm all set to do whatever!

the past few days have been a bit difficult. i had three or four really amazing days, and then as soon as i got home to rest, i spiraled and ended up in a depressive episode. my routines were out the window. it reminded me a lot of when i was in high school, but this time around is a lot better even if it's still not good.

even though my mental health has been rough, yesterday i did some good things. my dog woke me up at 6am, so i got up and made sure she had everything she needed. since i was already up i had a bowl of cheerios. this is pretty big for me, since i hardly ever eat breakfast and have an overall bad relationship with eating. then i went back upstairs to relax and at some point ended up dozing off. i'm pretty sure the previous night i had gone to bed at around 1 or 2am, so napping after waking up at 6 makes sense. i woke up from my nap around 2pm, pretty upset that i wasted the day.

so i decided to un-waste it! i got dressed and went on a walk. there's a really lovely place near my house with lots of greenery, bugs, and wild animals. i walked around there and went to my favorite spot: a tree overlooking the marsh. i sat under the tree for a while, got bitten by a caterpillar twice i think, and then climbed the tree to read my book. it was really nice!

i even had some good creative ideas!! i'm currently writing and sketching out some stuff, and even thinking about rewriting this thing that i'm into that wasn't made in a text medium. i would take quite a few creative liberties and overall try to make it into a genuine book-level story. worldbuilding, setting those rules, et cetera. it would be really fun... but the first thing that comes to mind is how fast i would be to abandon it.

anyway, after my walk i got home, talked on discord a bit, drew, and then made dinner! i made kraft mac n cheese. it didn't taste very good, but i was super hungry so i ate a lot of it anyway. usually in my house, whoever cooks a meal for everyone doesn't have to do the dishes. my mom ate with me. maybe it was selfish, but i kind of expected her to do the cleanup afterwards. all that was left was the strainer, wooden spoon, and pot with the leftovers. but when i went downstairs to lock up around midnight the pot was still on the stove with the leftovers in it. i felt really sad about that. it feels like a waste of food.

i know this is bad of me, but i didn't put the leftovers away then either. i just went upstairs and went to bed. i haven't been downstairs yet this morning to see if the pot and leftovers have been put away.

i also had a really vivid dream last night! my dreams are hard to describe but i'll try to lay it out in a way that makes sense...

so initially it took place in this big skyscraper-like building in a downtown area. i think it was supposed to be some kind of summer camp, but the camp counselors were exploiting the kids who were sent to the camp (i was one of the kids). instead of activities, we were forced to stand at standing desks with computers, handcuffed, and draw the counselors' characters for some kind of promotional thing. all of us were struggling with drawing. we were hungry and tired and scared. the counselors were really, really scary.

at one point, i was looking around the different keys on the keyboard and pressed f1. the building's alarm went off. the f1 key must have been linked to the alarm system, and immediately i was utterly devastated. i don't think i've ever felt such helpless fear as that moment. i knew that once we were all evacuated and the counselors found out it was a false alarm, they would find whoever tripped the alarm and punish them. i don't remember what exactly i thought would happen, but i know it would hurt, and that i might even die.

as we made our way down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk right beside a main road, i was having a meltdown. i sat down on the pavement, wailed and screamed, and scraped my bare feet against the concrete until i had ground away the bottoms of my heels. i was bleeding now. i knew i was going to die. i had to do something. i was already going to die, so i decided screw it.

there were cars going by on the main road. i threw myself onto the curb, waving my bound hands and screaming for help. most of the cars kept driving, but one stopped. i tried to tell them everything– how we're trapped, they're hurting us, this isn't a summer camp, everything. but i was so frantic that i couldn't articulate it very well. the worst part was that even though the counselors are terrifying and mean and hurt us, they never left bruises. i had no physical evidence of their wrongdoings. my bloodied feet were concerning, but i had done that to myself.

the car drove away. i think two more cars stopped and i tried to tell them as well, but with the same results. finally the counselors rounded everybody up, including me. the dream goes blank at this point– i assume we were all taken back inside.

that was the main part of the dream. after that, the scenery changed to a huge building in the woods. all the kids were still in a bad situation. my feet were bandaged, but for some reason only my left foot was ground down at the heel. i walked with a limp. i think i also wore a long off-white dress, something very plain and simple. i think i was tasked with helping the younger children. i think i might have been a girl at this point.

some strange things happened, all warped by the dream. i escaped. my point of view started switching back and forth. at this point i think it's too confusing to explain, so i'll end the recounting there. that was my dream last night.

when i woke up, my eyes still closed, i genuinely thought that i would open my eyes and find myself in a twin-sized bed in a massive room filled with other beds with the other kids. i thought i was there. it was kind of scary, actually. i'm glad that i'm here now.

what's my plan for today?

i'd love to go on another walk, climb that tree again and read my book. but i really need to do laundry. i think that as soon as i post this, i'll gather up dark clothes and do that load first. then once that's washing i can tidy up the kitchen if it's not clean already. we don't have bread to make toast– i'll have some tea instead. then i can carry on from there. i should brush my dog too.

i'll mention now that i haven't proofread this entry. probably silly since this is the very first entry, but i'm not in that mood. i'm in the mood to dump out all my thoughts and feelings and be done with it. consider it organic!

okay, i should go now. bye, i'll see you soon!

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