#and i wonder why i have bpd
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realizing i never feel safe to share my emotions with anyone is... really depressing
#not even my own mother#i just get shit on#told im ridiculous#im too much#i don't matter#and i wonder why i have bpd#i have so much#to work through#alone
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finally got to drawing my second favorite character!!!!
headcanons below the cut as per usual~
Amy's still a lover of romance and all things lovely and lovecore and hearts and red and pink and oh my goodness girlie's got so many heart shaped things at home it's wild
Amy pretty regularly spends time in the Chao Gardens, just taking care of other people's chao that they've left there, usually with Cream or Shadow. She doesn't have a chao of her own.
Flickies flock to Amy constantly, seemingly trusting her no matter what she's wearing or how she's acting. This actually also happens with chao, koco, wisps....a lot of critters.
Amy's always changing up her style and wearing new things, the reference image above is just one of many outfits she regularly wears.
She loves to go shopping with her friends, specifically to buy them nice things because she thinks they deserve nice things. She helped Gala pick out her clothes.
To get around town, she'll either use her extreme gear, or a motor scooter! That car from the comics is dead to me.
She's a huge fan of the pop punk genre of music, Hot Honey being her favorite band of all time. She knows every single one of their songs by heart.
Amy has borderline personality disorder, and used to suffer from pretty bad anxiety. This combo led to her and Tails having a lot of spats in the past, specifically over Sonic. She's mellowed out over time with self-help and therapy and the support group she has in her friends.
Amy uses she/her pronouns, and otherwise keeps her gender secret. She's bisexual and polyamorous, and very happy to exclaim about who she loves at the top of her lungs wherever she is!
#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sonic fanart#sonic aus#sth fanart#amy rose#amy the hedgehog#amy rose the hedgehog#my art#decade au#me as a kid: wow i rly like amy and sonic i wonder why! they must just be cute :>#me now that im aware of myself: ah.#so anyways i've slapped a lot of myself personality wise into decade au amy and she and i both have bpd <3
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I'm so fucking sick of my brain
#mud rambles#I've been having A Time recently because my bpd wants me to fucking suffer#having an fp is so nice until it's not#my jealousy issues are fucking ridiculous and while I'm doing good at keeping it My problem.#I can feel myself starting to self isolate in the process#I wish my brain would just stop. Like it's not fair for me to be jealous like this. I have no reason to be and it's stupid#on one hand it's nicer because of it not having to Constantly wonder and worry about what he's doing and what's going on since I'm more#Involved now in a general sense. but as a caveat it feels More isolating a lot of the time since I get less one on one time#and I KNOW part of that is due to the fact he's. y'know. got a Life. He's got things going on. So it's not fair for me to be like this#I hate how frustrated and lonely it makes me feel. because I SHOULD feel more secure#I am much more generally involved now!!! WHY does it feel more isolating to me!!! what the fuck!!!#and a lot of this is my inability to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for more#he's so good at making me feel included it's not fair for me to feel this way#it's my fault for being hesitant. always hesitant. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I deserve more#or that I'm wanted when I'm not#It's so hard to tell and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I can't fucking take it man
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need a boyfriend but also romance is disgusting but also I'm obsessed with it and want to feel it but also i don't want to commit or feel constricted by a limited relationship but also sometimes the idea of belonging to one person is nice but also no it doesn't i am a person not an object but also yes i am or at least i would be if i could but also i would never trust anyone enough for that but also i wish i could but also
#being arospec and having bpd sure is an interesting combo let me tell you that#sometimes i wonder if my identity in that regard is tied to my bpd. like the belief i won't be able to handle a relationship#bc i know no matter how well i could ever manage my symptoms it won't be enough to make me love someone enough for a steady relationship#so i just conditioned myself into not having romantic feelings in the first place. or something#i guess. i want the good parts of a relationship. but I'm not capable of handling the other parts#which is kinda sad bc i really do want the good parts. but i don't wanna hurt anyone and ik i would#anyone includes myself bc ik if i put too much work into someone I'll absolutely get tired of at some point i will end up feeling robbed#why am i even thinking abt this rn. idk i was perusing some tags and the romantic posts on them made me 😬#do i need to tag this as a vent. is it even a vent. ig? just not a negative one? eh jic then#vent#i should've been asleep an hour ago oof 😳
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so nowwww I’m checking social media all the time for validation!!! love me love me like my tumblr posts🤪🤦🏼♀️
#mine#ugh#bpd#anxious attachment#why can’t I be normal?!#except one time my partner said he sometimes wondered why I couldn’t be normal and hell if I don’t think of that ALWAYS#it was like a time when it should have been safe for him to express that difficult feeling but I do remember it with sadness and anger alot#lol ok. story time done :)#fawn response#sex therapy
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.
#all he's done and said to us and she still stands by him it makes me really wonder if she even cares about me deep down#it's really no clue why i have bpd when i think about it#all he does is threaten and berate us#it's everday constant arguing and i'm always taking sides or in the middle or even the reason for an argument#'love is supposed to hurt' yes i know mom u've made it more than clear#we've had conversations over n over again about how he gets really mean when he drinks certain alcohol and it like....#so u know. u agree but u stay and weather it. making me weather it too#some people are stuck in their ways i guess#it's hard to imagine real love when you see two people who have been together over two decades but absolutely resent each other#there had to be love once right.... why'd it go sour
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i genuinely think the whole yandere thing has ruined so much. especially the bpd community (not that im part of that or anything even though im borderline.) like cool if it helps you and obviously i cant stop you but its made everyone else associate being borderline with being a yandere and you cant fucking seem to have symptoms without being labeled a yandere regardless if its in good or bad light and genuinely i fucking hate being lumped in with them. embarrassment to the bpd community.
#like its like. whatever aa a narrative thing i GUESS. but people actually identifying as one#no wonder you have issues.#this is why im so fucking angry at just the thought of someone labeling one of my ocs who has bpd as a yan/der/e#he struggles with symptoms! and unhealthy thoughts and coping and yes hes a little possessive of his fp and other maladaptive shit!#but hes not! a fucking! yan/de/re!#but this isnt even the point thats just my personal gripes and fears and why im glad my ocs arent popular
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I probably have a personality disorder but also the diagnostic criteria for cluster b personality disorders are fucking bullshit, so like, nah.
#does some of it describe me? absolutely. but i also fucking hate how it's written#like. a lot of that is written like the person is doing that on purpose and not like they have unaddressed issues#like. wow. i fucking wonder why psychopath and sociopath are used to mean 'manipulative monster'#almost like people are being villainized for not responding to trauma in the 'correct way'#also unless i am somehow made the host. i'm not going to influence the front enough for us to ever get diagnosed with that#besides that we technically have a 'mixed personality disorder' that we didn't get explained or even told. and we never gave that letter#to anyone. so it's not like that's on anything else. and it does also very much feel like 'you didn't act like we wanted you to so we gave#you a diagnosis for a non-specific personality disorder. as we also cannot decide which box to shove you into'#like. there very much was no actual diagnostic process or anything. also highly likely at least in part cluster b#mainly because we kind of stopped caring about actually continuing the rehab after the jobcenter decided not to pay for it anymore#also because most people who's rehab there was discontinued had a bpd diagnosis. they couldn't fucking handle anything beyond anxiety and#depression. but also only mild anxiety. like. that was such fucking bullshit#-lutz#anyways. ignore me
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at the end of the day every emotion melds into the same one, every anger every frustration every sadness it turns inward. every emotion turns against me, targets me. every night i’m reminded everything is my fault, how sinful it is for me to be alive. every emotion merges into the only constant, the reminder how much i long to no longer feel.
#tw sui ideation#bpd#depression#writing#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#alone#you have no idea how much i fight#every day i struggle to stay alive#every night i wonder why
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_______________________________________________
Warabi: .............*sigh*................... Neta are you awake?
Neta:............................
Warabi: ....... You want to start where we left off....heheheh..
Neta: ............................
Warabi: Neta you were asleep....... You didn't even know it was me... It's just a dream... You thought I was your dead childhood friend........ If that's not a mood killer ....
Neta: ......................
Warabi: You know ikkan if you tell him the truth he'll understand ........... really.. just tell him what happened he'll appreciate the honesty. You know that............ Stop worrying so much
Neta:..............ok......
Warabi:...............*sigh*...... goodnight
_______________________________________________neta:................ hello? Ikkan
Ikkan: hi.......
Neta: is something wrong?
Ikkan: I was going to ask the same thing......................
Neta:........................
Ikkan:...................….......…... So what's wrong?
Neta:.... IkissedWarabi
Ikkan: I know
Neta.... I'm sorry I didn't mean it..... I was asleep..... You know I have weird dreams....especially when I'm stressed or anxious...... I'm sorry....
Ikkan: Neta
Neta: I would never hurt internally.....*crying*..... You do so much me... I'm sorry..... I can't imagine life without you..... I love ikkan....*crying*
Ikkan:........................ Neta.... babe..... Please stop crying.... so.......loud...
Neta: ........*sniff*..... What?......
Ikkan: I know that you kissed Warabi.....he called..... pulpo dream?...
Neta: yeah.......I'm sorry
Ikkan:........ It's ok... Hehe..... You've had that dream before.... kissed me many times......
Neta:...................................oh... Ok........you still love me?
Ikkan: I do........... Are you okay?
Neta: I'm fine
Ikkan: .are you taking your meds?
Neta: yes.............................. just not...............consistently ...............
Ikkan:..........................................
Neta: Yes I know I need to fix that........ so what's wrong with you? You don't sound good.... How's the store?
Ikkan:...... Talk more about that later......... it's fine.... it's closed, I didn't open it today.... it's been closed for 2 days.... I............. I can't deal with people.....the mall lights give me a headache..... The food court smells terrible....... Customers are annoying.........I just closed I just told mahi to come to work when you're back .......... I'm sorry....I know you're losing money that way but I can't..... Running the store and my classes on top of it. You weren't there and I was worried
Neta: it's ok..... Are you okay now?
Ikkan: no.................... How was the mission?
Neta: It was good. You know a typical mission. mostly just played cards....................... your mom is walking this way you want me to-
Ikkan: love you bye
Neta: ok bye I love y- oh..... Colonel Kane
Koi-koi: his sweetie......(leaning in).... if someone tells me you were kissing another man again....... It will be your life. Do you understand?
Neta:.......*sweating*..... Yes ma'am
Koi-koi: good....... . They have cake in the cafeteria celebrating our big catch. Have some, saved you a nice corner piece [peck]
_______________________________________________
Mhai: he kissed you!?!
Warabi: yep
Mahi: with tongue and everything
Warabi: Yeah with tongue and everything, I had to turn him down unfortunately. What can I say I'm a heartbreaker..
Mahi: yeah right.....deel like you're twisting this
Warabi: is it hard to believe that he would fall in love with me??
Mahi:....... .............................................
Warabi: .................*sigh*......he was sleeping....
Mahi: yeah I can believe that
Warabi: asshole
_______________________________________________
Neta: no .... Thanks for the invite but I'm not really up for wahoo land.... Yes work starts...... You know what? Work can start in 2 days.... Give you a couple of days off to spend with warabi..... Yep..... mizole is fired?... Looks like I owe Candi money bye ................*sigh*............. I'm home!
Cirrina: dad! [Hug]
Neta: hey baby girl! Oof ...Don't hug too hard... Still a little sore heheh [kiss]................. where's ikkan?
Cirrina: he's out..... He said he needed to get something
Neta: ok......*yawn* I'm going to take a nap for now.. .. [kiss] heheh ok Cici
_______________________________________________
Neta: ........*snoring*............. Nnnnnn mnn..... What's that smell?
Ikkan: it's wonton soup... .
Neta: babe......... [Hug]..... Why didn't you wake me?
Ikkan: I just got back.... I just had to pick up some food and some other stuff......... You sleep well?.... you've been out for well over 5 hours....[Kiss]
Neta: honestly the best sleep I've had in 5 days.....* Stretch*.............is that crab stuffed dumplings.. and... The fried rice has a fried egg on top of fried rice? they only have that at jelly wok.... That's near your house....
Ikkan: why do you think it took so long?
Neta: ikkan.... you didn't have to have all of that....[kiss]
Ikkan: I know I wanted to...... You sounded like shit on the phone... wanted to make you feel a little better... I also bought a new weighted blanket, white noise machine... Some green #24 ink dye........ I also...... picked up your prescriptions..... That hasn't been picked up in a week..................
Neta:....................
Ikkan:.........*sigh*....... I don't want to lecture you on your mental health but... you need to start taking responsibility and be consistent.... they only work when you take them...... you've been really worrying me this past couple of months...
Neta: I'm sorry ........ you're right...I'll do better.....
Ikkan: I hope so....... I have to leave in a couple days when you visit I hope I see some difference..... [Kiss].......
Neta: [kiss]........ hey I'm still in my uniform.... I might need some help after we eat
Ikkan: I can assist you with that.... hehehehe [kiss]
Neta:.... I love you
Ikkan....... I love you too.. [kiss]..... Don't kiss him again
Neta: ok
_______________________________________________
I heard Mahi was talking shit about @fish-at-fish-fish-resort but you didn't hear that from me
#they're home the mission is finally over#if Warabi was smart he could of used the kiss as black mail he could of gotten a bigger employee discount#Neta is like me doesn't take meds and then wonder why he's so miserable like an idiot#Neta might have bpd#ikkan worked retail for 2 days and gave up#I don't know if I made it clear in my last post probably not but neta has no feelings for Warabi what so ever#the kiss wasn't deep#Warabi being aro 💚🤍🩶🖤#i agree because I'm also on the aro spectrum 👍🏾#though I see him more as gray or demi romantic
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The girls with toxic mums and absent dads.
#mine: text#bpd#identity crisis#is that why I turned out to have bpd?#toxic mums#absent dads#mommy issues#daddy issues#issues with issues#no wonder I don’t have a sense of myself
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sometimes i think about the way i act in therapy, and the way everyone else i’ve ever known who’s spoken about therapy talks about it, and i wonder if i’m the most difficult patient in the fucking world.
#dont rb#bc i tell ppl about what it's like in there vaguely and they're like... your poor therapist#but therapy is where i'm most honest to how i am as a person#like that's where i'm the most me#so when people tell me that they feel bad for my shrink it's like#if i could act differently don't you think i would#if i was able to not yell at my therapist sometimes don't you think i'd do that#because there's nothing gratifying about losing my shit in that room#but i can't do anything else. you know?#and i wonder why i'm like this#anyway i shouldn't have picked another fight about BPD again but you know#it's over with. all i can do now is figure out whether or not i want to text her
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Photo
my sunshine my baby my sweetheart my booboo i still love him sm lemme gush for a second ( plus its late rn so i can ) cause he was my second oc ive brought to tumblr and that was back in 2013 and his age was wholeass like ... 19 cause he’s aged alongside me LMAO.
literal ball of sunshine despite a crummy upbringing and his own mental health issues, is anxious as hell abt coming off as mean or too loud ... 6′4″ of big baby bear with lanky legs and flat ass ( inside joke but his ass is literal cardboard ) but a big heart that’s 10 times his size, and he’s gotten better abt handling his issues tho.
him and sylvie are v good friends ( infp vs enfp LMAO ) but sylvie definitely drains his social spoons severely ( he is like me and has v little for socializing esp since most of those go to streaming / video editing ). even if his blog is on a perm hiatus p much ( since i’m here ) i still want to give him some love and show him off.
#[ sorry yall get to hear me go off on my bby ]#[ altho he is a supernatural muse he was like ]#[ more of a study in psyche ]#[ and self reflection and what not ]#[ and allowed me to learn more abt bpd and therapy thru him ]#[ bc i dont have it myself but i had wonderful ppl who offered me their stories ]#[ to help me understand it better ]#[ ... dumbass muse who made me research actual railway lines in JP ]#[ squishy noodle-armed loser who started in the bleach fandom ]#[ and like grew into his own thing. why i call him fandomless even if he isnt ]#OOC // AID TALKS.
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opinion: having borderline doesnt mean youre not just fucken right sometimes.😭
#people just fucken love to discredit everything thats being said on an 'overreaction' or even toxic behavior! like yelling!#but sometimes like LOOK INWARD ! REFLECT ! what about you put the ego down for a sec and realize maybe shes right !#like ok she yelled at you cos shes having the worst episode of her life and she feels no one fucken understands her for even a sec#(WHICH IS TRUE those other bitches have no empathy brother what the hell)#and yelling is toxic and unproductive bla bla#BUT SHE HAS IT FUCKEN WORSE THAN YOU AND BEING A SHITHEAD ABOUT IT ISNT GONNA WOOORRKKK#shes mad because you have no empathy with her. youre mad because she yelled at you for it. these things are fucking different.#note: the one with the ego is TWENTY THREE (the bpd woman im talking about's daughter)#id get if if she was 15#but like Put The Ego Down#she LOVES! insisting like ''well she should go to a fucking doctor'' literally i think all you guys will get what i mean#wanting others to go see psychiatrists because youre mad that they dont pamper you? discrediting all reactions on ''being crazy''?#AND YOURE WONDERING WHY SHES SO DESPERATE#anyways. its hard to read the whole situation thru tags but theyre treating my aunt (bpd) like shes crazy and being all angwy cos theyre#not being pampered lol suck it up for a sec#LITERALLY WHERE IS THE EMPATHY THE COMPASSION IM SO MAD#they make everything about themmmmm#me.txt#disclaimer: ik whatever behavior is not exclusive or inherent to bpd i just think they relate in this specific situation#and thats ok...#its fuckin hard man#also by bpd i dont mean it like psychiatry-bootlickers would.
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On one hand I'm like "nah I don't have low self esteem" but on the other hand I understand it may be a bit of an overreaction to be crying in my bedroom thinking about how I should feel suicidal (and that because I don't I'm an even worse person) because I burned food on a pot and a pan bc I didn't want to use my tiny pan bc it would take so much longer to cook things but my mum told me to use that pan because I burn things and partly ruined her expensive pan.
#this is like. half joking and half serious: i wonder if thats why my psychiatrist said i could possibly have bpd#BUT also i RECOGNISE this is likely a slight overreaction. so im probably all good theb#i mean#not all good#i burned stuff onto a pot and a pan#theyll get better with a good soak and scrub#but still..
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bro I fucking hate my gut reaction to be sad and miss the people who hurt me. like, yeah, they were my best friend for years, but not only did they do the exact thing my previous best friend did to me knowing how much that hurt me and fucked me up, but very little of it was actually healthy or even like. nice. it sucked. the last entire fucking year of our “friendship” I was literally in a constant state of anxiety and panic because of their shitty behavior and their girlfriend’s shitty behavior that they fucking enabled. I don’t miss them!!!!! I literally don’t!!! the week after I cut them off I FINALLY relaxed!!!! it was like my entire body had finally uncurled from a fist!!!!! I was no longer suicidal, I was no longer crying every other day, and I finally felt SAFE and secure IN MY OWN APARTMENT. before, I was constantly on edge, paranoid, and ACTIVELY suicidal. I was in a constant state of freeze and fawn as a fear response. I’m not FIXED, by any means, I’m still struggling with shit, but it’s been literal YEARS since I’ve been this peaceful. holy fuck.
#i can recognize that my bpd was making my situation much worse but i was CONSTANTLY being open and communicating to them#and never fucking once did i get that same respect in return#i was treated like a literal fucking chauffer and the only time they fucking spoke to me was to either gush about their gf#who was actively being a huge fucking asshole to me#or bitch about their mommy and daddy and oh how hard it is to have health issues they were actively ignoring#when. lol. at the time they were covered medically by both parents and i had not had health insurance in like? two ish years? lol.#there were so many other fucking things but like that was the biggest thing that stuck with me aside from the emotional manipulation L M A O#and their fucking gf CONSTANTLY comparing me to her abusive father???? out of nowhere???? would just randomly fucking#literally compare me to him when i would say i liked a thing or even if she just observekd something about me like what the actual fuck???#literally on 5 seperate occasions she did this#girl you would throw a fucking fit if i had done anything even vaguely resembling that to you why the fuck did you feel the need to do that#dont project your fucking daddy issues onto me especially when you're literally two fucking years older than me get a fucking grip#anyway i think sometimes my brain is missing the FP version my bpd created of them in my head#because i miss aspects of them that RARELY if ever toward the end occured. like yknow. giving a shit about me. being there for me#or yknow not literally emotionally manipulating me for your own benefit/amusement lol#i sometimes wonder if theyll ever recognize thats exactly what they were doing whether they want to admit it to themself or not but like.#i dont care??? i realized it. so i dont really give a fuck if they ever do because?? what does that do for me?? lol??#but ive also realized that even if they hadnt been toxic as hell to me that it wouldve ended anyway because both of them despite being older#refused to grow the fuck up and mature or even like. learn. lol. they were so content to just stay the same meanwhile#i had actual responsibilities so i didnt really get the luxury of continuing to pretend to be a child lol#they just liked the attention and the benefits they got from me being an actual adult. they could use me to continue being children#theres not even anything wrong with not wanting to grow up like. if i didnt literally have to i probably wouldnt have either but.#idk you dont have to literally take advantage of the people in your life who HAVE to mature so that you can keep being a kid#sometimes. coping mechanisms. are bad.#anyway rant over dont mind me i had coffee with an expresso shot and havent slept after my 12hr shift#so that's partially what's fueling this post ngl#still all entirely true though dont misunderstand me on that one#mud rambles#for blacklisting purposes ->#rant
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