#and i'm all in for liz warren right now

[measuringbliss]

Spider-Man Read-Through 030: vs. Nightcrawler (ASM 160-162)

MASTERPOST

I mean, with that cover, this can only be a win, right?

Spidey is getting tired of running into these goons in goofy costumes, which I completely agree. Then his Spider-Mobile tries to kill him. He escapes and gets on a police car, then...

Spidey's last thought bubble really makes the scene, hahaha. The Spider-Mobile disappears though...

As always, I love these pages. Liz and Harry seem to get along well! That's nice to see.

I hope we get to see more secretaries, they're becoming a fun gag!

Spidey goes back to hunt the Spider-Mobile, and he finds it alright.

The buggie leads Spidey to... the Tinkerer, a villain we haven't seen since ASM #2!

No, I'm not missing any zero. I saw him recently since I worked on my Peter Parker Objectification series of posts so that was fun to recognize him.

The Spider-Mobile saga has lasted, what, 2 years now? I think that was a good ending, since it was the star of the issue.

In #161, Nightcrawler is decided to attack our web-crawler! And not only him...

The Punisher hates seeing happy people. He's also dead set in making Peter's life harder! He's having a nice (if terrifying) date with MJ, and Harry and Liz are right behind their tails, having no lines, but loads of fun.

"Harry, we thought you'd never ask." awww! My heart's melting <3

Aside from Peter's naturally pretty face, it's just heartwarming to see everyone be so happy :) And MJ keeps loving destabilized Peter. As do I, my dear MJ.

Suddenly, the Punisher shoots someone dead. He escapes before being seen, but Nightcrawler and Spidey arrive just on time to suspect each other. Interestingly, Nightcrawler wanted to take the weapon to the police, something we've never really seen Spidey do, as he usually directly hands the people to them.

Nightcrawler figures surprisingly quickly that with his powers, Spider-Man would have no use for a rifle. Usually, it takes longer than that!

The X-Man eventually vanishes, and Spidey seeks help from Robertson. Jameson discovers them and listens in...

BEFORE REVEALING A PLOT TWIST.

Someone sent him photographies of Peter throwing his clone away! I didn't expect this plot point to come back, I thought it was pretty much dropped or would be retconned in like a decade or so.

That's so interesting though!

My first guess for who's this mysterious photographer would be Eddie Brock, but he hasn't been introduced yet.

Otherwise... An enemy who'd be back? But whom? The Tarantula? I think he was involved in those events, after all, but taking pictures from afar doesn't seem to be his style.

Hmm.....! I'm really excited to see a plot point that I'm not spoiled on :D

The Punisher, meanwhile, roughs up some gangster and says someone's been impersonating him. So... the Chameleon? Fascinating intrigue!

Ross Andru and his gigantic structures!

The Spider and the Crawler meet again, and Nightcrawler helpfully informs us that given that the current X-Men run only started recently (1975), the mutants aren't out to the public yet, and thus, nobody has ever heard of Nightcrawler and his friends.

I'm just staring wide-eyed, curious about how this is going to progress.

#162 eventually sees the three characters see eye to eye.

More importantly, the Punisher and Spider-Man are a couple and I think that's very important.

The next day...

So first off, Peter misses Warren! I kind of understand. He might have been the Jackal, but Peter still had a somewhat close relationship with him.

Jameson's just there to rile up a new scientist to do his dirty bidding, yawn yawn.

The Punisher and Spidey investigate a neighborhood together, but Spidey gets captured and, uh...

Okay...

Nightcrawler joins in, and our three protagonist fight hand in hand!

Okay...

Uh, whatever. Jigsaw's caught. Everything ends well.

In the post after the next one...

Oh, the Kingpin's back! I wonder how his family affairs are going. At least, I appreciate that we got rid of him for quite a while.

But next time, let's start Spectacular Spider-Man!

[bllsbailey]

Joy Reid Reaches New Heights in Not Only Trump Derangement Syndrome—but Derangement Period

Want a be White?

In these troubled times, knowing that at least some certainties remain intact is reassuring. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. The weather will be hotter in summer than in winter. And Joy Reid will say something so utterly separated from reason, logic, and fact that the question arises whether this is reality or a superbly executed LARPing of a lunatic liberal. You decide.

The latest episode comes to us courtesy of Jason Whitlock on X:

As a public service, I have spared you the 3:26 minutes of listening to this and provided a transcript. With commentary, of course.

Y’all just tell me who the nominee is going to be. Let me know when you guys are finished fighting amongst yourselves who I got to vote for in November to keep Hitler out of the White House. That’s all I wanna know — who I got vote for to keep Hitler out of the White House.

Hmm. I didn’t know Hitler was on the ballot and ... oh, you mean Trump! Darned if I’ve missed where Trump started a world war and exterminated six million people because of their religion. It must have happened during hockey season.

Y’all do your thing; play in traffic all you want in front of these Republicans, acting a fool in front of these people instead of privately declaring your stuff, but don’t text me no more ‘cause I’m not taking no more of these texts.

Like anyone who matters texts you, Joy.

Just let me know when you guys are finished figuring it out, Democrats, ‘cause I know y’all the freak-out people.

As opposed to your calm, level-headed, rational discussion of current events. Like laughing off a rape victim.

MORE: WATCH: Pramila Jayapal and Joy Reid Laugh It Up Over Illegal Immigrant Rape, Make Sick Claim

Go ahead and freak out, have your conversation, and then let me know who I gotta vote for to keep Hitler out of the White House. That’s it. I’m done.

Ah, but she’s not.

Oh, and by the way, if it’s Biden in a coma, I’m-a vote for Biden in a coma.

I don’t even really particularly like the guy. Lot of his policies? Don’t like ‘em. He’s not Donald Trump, right? Yeah. Hitler. White House. We keepin’ him out. Keeping Project 2025 out.

Then you're going to have to outlaw the Heritage Foundation, as Project 2025 is their baby.

That’s all I care about up and down the ballot from the rooter to the tooter; school board all the way up to the White House and everything in between — governors, members of Congress. I’m just gonna vote all the way down to keep these people out.

I'm sure they're terrified.

The Project 2025 thing is the whole Republican party. 

Joy ... we've discussed this already.

At this point, It’s not about Biden. It is not about him. It’s above me now. There’s a Best Western next door.

In case you missed the reference.

It is about keeping Donald Trump and his Project 2025 friends out of power. That’s it for me, y’all. Y’all let me know what you think.

I would, Joy, but I have neither the time nor the crayons required.

And another thing. (Laughs) I’ve always got another thing. You guys do know that in 2020, y’all Democrats had choices of young people? You had a young LGBTQ guy, Mayor Pete. You had a Latino. You had, uh, Kamala Harris. You had Liz Warren. You had all these choices that were all younger than Biden; fresher, and newer, than Biden. And you know who y’all picked to be the president and the nominee? Joe Biden. (Laughs) He beat all the young people. 

Shows you how bad the young people were.

So, yes, we have a gerontocracy problem on the Democratic side; way too many of these oldie goldies who don’t seem to want to sit down and retire. But when given the choice between the young and fresh and Joe Biden, y’all picked Joe Biden. (Laughs) That was who you picked. So he’s in there, because Democrats actually picked him in the first place. So just keep that in mind; that you’ve been given options in the past, and this is what you picked.

Yes, they did. Egged on by a media that labeled Hunter Biden's laptop Russian disinformation.

And nobody stepped up to choose to run against him in the primaries. 

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would like a word.

So, once again, Democrats went out and voted and picked. If you try to undo that choice — like, 57 million some-odd Democrats voted in these primaries — so what are you going to do? You gonna just tell them eff off; we’re gonna pick somebody different that’s not him or Kamala Harris who was on that ticket too; on those ballots? That’s not democracy. (Laughs) This choice has been made! 

Too bad we live in a constitutional republic, Joy. Also, the Democrats can nominate whoever they want.

MORE: Van Jones Says Democrats Are Not Discussing 'Whether' but Rather ‘How’ to Replace Biden

And so again, unless he decides to walk away, this is your choice. It’s like when you go to a wedding. You got chicken or fish. You can eat chicken or fish or just be hungry. Or, like when I was growing up, in my house it’s what Mom made for dinner or go to bed. (Indecipherable) You don’t always get choices you love. You get what Mom made for dinner or take your ass to bed. And in this case, it’s either what Mom made for dinner or Hitler. (Laughs) I’m voting for whoever ain’t Hitler. And it ain’t him. And I’m going all the way down that ballot rooter tooter from school board to the White House. This is about power and about picking not Hitler.

Please leave humor for the comedians, Joy. Even if you are a joke.

While such moments provide high hilarity, they also highlight how utterly desperate the left has become. The mouthpiece for a network that spent the entirety of Joe Biden's campaign and term in office covering for him is now trying to shift blame to the Democrats for not pushing their dumbest ... pardon me, youngest candidates into general elections, which would see them slaughtered. Apparently, Joy Reid is hoping that our memories are even shorter than Joe Biden’s. They're not, and we are happy to supply the receipts.

[littleharpethcrossfit]

Sunday, New Year's Eve, 123123.

What a gorgeous afternoon it turned out to be. Yes it was a cool 55 degrees, but the sun was brilliant and only the slightest breeze was moving. Not many came to the early session, but we were nearly overwhelmed at the second.

The much appreciated Admiral Armando led us in a fine mobility warmup and nearly everyone joined him.

Warmup

10 Naked Barbell (45/35/22) Bench Presses. 3 Rounds.

Partner Med-Ball Passes...10 Reps...5 Different Ways.

Strength

Bench Press: 8 / 8 / 8 / 8 / 8 (55 to 65%)

Ring Row Supersets: 5 / 5 / 5 / 5

Patrick=205 (X5s) Larry/Bernie/Armando=185 Robert=165 Nathan=155 Coach/Scott=145 Paul=135 Herb/Dyer=125 Polk/Tom/Dana/Tim/Allison=115 Linda/Cheri/Elisa/Caitlin=85 Tripp/Sue=70 Shannon/Marissa=55 Faith (The Kid)=30 Average Dave=Bad Back ? Cherrita/Liz/Alicia/Nate/Warren G/and others=no score posted

WOD

Running "Elizabeth" ( A Benchmark Girl, plus aerobic stuff )

Run 800 / Row-Ski 1000 / Bike 2000m

21 X 15 X 9

Power Cleans (135/95/65)

Ring Dips

Run 800 / Row-Ski 1000 / Bike 2000m

Sue=12:58 Allison=13:28* Dana=13:42* Larry=14:07* Elisa=14:38 Tripp=14:39 Robert=14:58** Caitlin=15:00 Cheri=15:34 (Faith (The Kid)=16:00 Marissa=16:15 Nathan=16:20 Bernie=16:37 Tim=17:45 Herb=17:55 Armando=18:14** Shannon=18:20 Polk=18:48 Tom=19:28 Linda/Coach=19:58 Paul=21:00 Dyer=21:40 Patrick=22:05 Scott=22:18 Average Dave/Cherrita/Liz/Alicia/Warren G/Nate and others=no posting

Notes:

A great group. Many old friends. Many new friends. I really enjoyed seeing all of you, even Robert just back from a long vacation.

After nagging me for 3 weeks, Kayla failed to make an appearance with the visiting Sister-In-Law she begged me for permission to bring. Sister-In-Law has been scoring high marks on social media lately. Sometimes I think Kayla is another Sophia (search it), the soul-less social humanoid robot with a cell phone attached to the end of her nose, except I know she has a real nice human Mom & Dad. Yesterday she got a Personal Best and rung the bell and thanked Cheri; maybe that excitement exhausted her for the rest of the weekend. It is all over Instagram if you missed it.

The Mr. Rodes (Father of Dyer) made his annual holiday appearance at the Barn. He was the handsome and well attired gentleman who spent the hour on a Bike and a Rower. His first visit here was 5 years ago (or more). He drives himself here from Lexington, Ky. After his first visits he went home and bought a C-2 Rower and Bike Erg for his private use. I suspect that he has some weights too, but he doesn't brag. Mr. Rodes is 93 years old and remarked that our gym has a lot of nice looking girls. I hope I'm like Mr. Rodes 14 years from now.

Warren G escorted Mr. Rodes to the indoor plumbing. WG can be a surprisingly nice boy sometimes. WG Quote: "Love that Dude".

NEW YEARS DAY (TOMORROW), LHCF IS CLOSED !!!

Tuesday at 4 PM. Start 2024 off right. Come to the Barn.

[lilacastar]

Dread and anxiety overtook the exhaustion Garret was previously met with. The words of Joseph rang over, over, and over again in his mind.

The way he adapted to what he thought Warren and him wanted to hear. The way he moved was very meticulous and precise.

'Very charismatic' Warren had said.

'If you're good on the way back, maybe we can get you one of those card packs you like-'

He knew that from somewhere, but where? It itched and scratched at the back of his skull, waiting to be opened. Such a simple sentence, one that Warren thought was so kind of the elder brother to offer, but unease settled in Garret. It wasn't right, something wasn't right but the pieces just weren't connecting.

And maybe a part of him didn't want them to connect.

Instead, he went through the motions of the evening. He listened and replied to Liz's blurry words, but he wasn't there. The rising wave in his stomach crawled to his throat, trying to escape, but he refused to break. Not now, not tonight, please just one night of peace. Please not in front of her. He couldn't handle those pity filled eyes people offered whenever he even came close to telling them. He wouldn't be able to bear it from her. That look filled him with guilt, regretting ever burdening a person with the information.

Numb. Everything so numb and soundless. He slowly sunk through the evening as if it were viscus, sick honey. His unclean body never made it to the shower, only the bed for decayed rest.

Dreams and memories warped together, twining new with old. Forgotten places with fresh words. He steadily submerged beneath the ocean, the pressure gradually embracing his body in familiar suffocation. The water gently filled his lungs, as firm hands held him down. His body already knew its position, it'd only be worse to struggle. Just let her play with you, and she'll get bored quicker.

"Stop throwing a fit," His mother's voice echoed above the shore line. "You used to like going to dad's, you're hurting his feelings."

Hands held him down, pressing all over his body. So many hands leaving their marks on his skin, keeping him pressed tightly against the bottom despite not having fought back for even a second.

He just won't stop acting out-

Such inappropriate behavior-

He won't bathe, how disgusting-

A melodic voice spoke over the whispers, drowning them out. He wanted to cover his ears, don't let him hear, he doesn't need to remember.

"and if you're good," Her charismatic voice hummed.

No

No

NO

Don't let him hear it, you can't take this away. No one could take this away from him, it was his alone.

"Maybe I can buy you that-"

-

Garret sharply inhaled, waking from the dream. The sun lay its pattern from the curtains over where he lay. But he knew, deep in his already aching skin. Today would be hard. Settling right under the surface, would be the bad thoughts. And they would not leave him alone for even a minute. Wherever he went, it'd be there, whatever he did, it'd make him think of it. It's just one day, all he had to do was get through it.

All he could do was distract himself from one thing to another. His heavy hands had no motivation to prepare a meal, so nothing was what he had. The sickness in his head pestered and refused to leave. The most it ever dampened, was throwing himself into constructing his small model planes.

Just keep the bad away, keep the bad away just long enough to the next distraction.

His small little hobby, keeping him safe once again. Keeping him safe, for Liz to come home.

"I'm just tired from the week." He told her, from being visibly not well.

"Nothing like our plans from last night can't fix." She encouraged.

"Last night? Yes, yeah, I remember." He lied, waiting for her to continue. All of last night was a blur of sadness.

"I put the Maker's Mark in the cabinet, dinner shouldn't take long, and then we can have the fun." She winked.

What were they drinking for? All he could remember was something about them both being off the day after.

She placed a tender hand on his arm.

Right. Tomorrow they were both off, they could afford to get a hangover. They were having a date night.

Suddenly he felt trapped, he couldn't move now that her hand made contact with his body.

"As long as you're still up for it?"

Up for it. Up for... Sex.

"Yes, I-" He started, but froze up again. "I..." A wave of nausea washed over him, the touch from his dreams still fresh on his skin. He could feel the heat rise on his surface, no longer able to ignore the weeks and weeks of old emotions.

"I-" He tried again. "I can't. Just not tonight, I'm sorry."

"Ah." She lowered her hand.

"I want to," His voice shook. "I just don't think I can tonight."

"That's fine that you don't want to, just," She sighed, "Just I don't know. I don't want to sound pressure-y, but why? Is there a reason?"

The reason was pressed into his skin, bursting tight at the seams. A single word could make him come undone.

No

No

No

He couldn't take it right then. He didn't want to break just now, he wasn't safe. She couldn't see him like that, she'd never treat him the same.

"I do," His voice could barely make it above a whisper. "I just... Can't talk about it right now."

"So when can you talk about it."

"I don't know, just not now,"

"When are you going to tell me what's going on with you?"

"Nothing's going on," He sighed.

"I'm not stupid, Garret!" She exclaimed. "I know something is up! I am trying so hard to understand you and put in the effort, but it feels like you don't care."

"I do care, I promise. I just can't tonight."

She threw her hands down in exasperation. "Then when? It's always that with you. But recently, you just don't talk. You're closed off, you keep isolating yourself alone, you don't want to have sex with me, and you're always stressed about something."

"It's not that I don't want to, it's just-"

"You know, logically? I know it has to do with something about your shitty childhood. I know there's a reason you don't talk to your family anymore. But actually? I don't know! Because you never say anything! You never talk about it!"

"It's just hard,"

"I know it's hard! You're not the only one who goes through hard things! If you were anyone else, I'd think you were cheating, but I know that's not you. I need you to tell me who is."

"I will," He begged. "just give me some time."

"I have, Garret. I've given you so much time. I just- I can't with you right now." She put her fingers to the side of her head, the way she always did when a headache was there. "I just need a break tonight. I'm going to spend the night at Kay's."

Garret nodded, a thick lump in his throat. He didn't bother arguing, because everything she said had been true.

"I'll be back in the morning." She sighed. "Just please don't drink anything. You know how you get when you're alone."

She closed the door.

And the bad thoughts returned with nothing to hold them back.

[returnsandreturns]

I recall you supporting Pete for a bit, what is it that turns you off? (This isn't supposed to be confrontational btw I'm genuinely curious and I don't want to miss anything before i throw my hat in)

I kind of fell hard for Pete (and his husband! And his dogs!) before he even expressed any substantive policy plans because he’s--just very charming and he’s got some really impressive rhetoric (the whole thing about reclaiming the concept of freedom from Republicans is just so choice) and he’s SMART.

But I honestly don’t really get the impression that he’s got that much going for him as a candidate beyond the rhetoric. Policy-wise and experience-wise, he can’t stand up against most of the major candidates and I think the praise that gets heaped onto him for being, like, genuine and unscripted is so bizarre because he absolutely uses the same canned answers just like any other politician. I watched all of his early interviews and I can probably recite most of his talking points verbatim. I do think he does a great job of integrating his identity and his personal experiences with political stances but so does Warren and Castro and Harris and. . .Beto, honestly. Like that’s maybe all that Beto’s got.

(Also, I’m very confused about how Medicare For All Who Want It is not literally just Obama’s public option -- maybe it is? Just with a kicky name? I don’t know!)

ANYWAY THIS IS LONG but I’d love to vote for him if he wins the nom but I think he’d be a killer VP and probably a fantastic congressperson. God, so many of them should just run for the senate. THE SENATE, BETO! 

[falle-ness]

Trying to pretend there's some chance for me to have something peaceful in my life right now, so here we go.

Shades of Blue is so much fun. Not a masterpiece, but hey. Ray Liotta and J Lo? Fantastic. J Lo's Harlee Santos is such a badass, love her. And Liotta's Woz is the sneaky, dangerous type of a corrupt cop I like.

Why every time I start watching a new show with similar premise to TBL and it actually has it all better than TBL who had so fucking much of a potential

And I guess my love for the obsessed FBI agents (with possible PTSD) is forever, so I'm a fan of this insane motherfucker of an agent Robert Stahl. He has everything poor Ressler has lost over the seasons... I wonder if I'm gonna write something about him... Or him and Ressler... Mmm...yeah.

Warren Kole could've easily played a young Ressler during his first year at the Academy. Damn, he's hot. And the way he plays Stahl and his obsession with Harlee... Problematic content, hehe.

But who cares? Better be digging up the graves and jerking off to Liz's ashes, right?

[bustedbernie]

I'm grateful for you on calling out Sanders and providing receipts. Bernie recently claimed that the "establishment forced" Pete and Amy to quit their campaigns. As someone whom happily volunteered for Pete, and knew some pretty decent folks on Amy's staff, I feel like they genuinely made hard calls in order to do the right thing. What do you think?

I think Amy and Pete were largely serious candidates. They put most of their resources into the first four contests (especially Iowa and NH, some in NV, they both ignored SC way too much though Pete was attempting to make inroads there). I think they emerged from South Carolina and saw what everyone else saw: A Biden Blowout. I think they thought long and hard about their path forward and realized that they did not have a very viable path. Going into South Carolina, Nate Silver had said that Warren, Buttigieg and Klobuchar COMBINED had a 3% chance of getting just a plurality at the convention. He argued it was a three-man race between Mike, Bernie and Joe. That came true. 

I also don’t know what they think the “establishment” is, or if they’ve ever worked in campaigns or politics in general. It’s mostly passionate volunteers, and most of the employees are under-paid 20-somethings with ideals and old folks who have stuck out the ups and downs of the type of work they do. They are not coniving people. Amy in particular was still hiring for the March 10 contests when she withdrew. 

If you know that you have no path forward, you know you don’t have a lot of money to keep contesting contests, and you see the division on the field, why would you stay in after South Carolina? Warren had an argument to staying in, and stayed in. And after that, left the race. This is just serious people doing serious work, and knowing that the stakes are very high. The fact is, they could’ve stayed in to convention if they wanted. Tulsi Gabbard is fuckin doing it. But if you are serious about it, then why would you? The “establishment” has no control. As for dropping and getting behind Joe? Like, what do you expect them to do? I think of Michael Moore’s stupid ass comments on it after Super Tuesday results poured in. And they boiled down to “all they had to do was stay in one more day, it would have cost them nothing.” It says all i have to think about their view of Bernie. He is too weak to win on his merits. They’re bitter. They know there’s no conspiracy, they know their candidate sucks, and they’re failing to take responsibility for their collective behavior, as well as the poor planning of the Sanders Campaign, which according to the New York Times had NO contingency plan in place for candidates dropping out before Super Tuesday. ALL of their plans were predicated on a divided moderate field on Super Tuesday. Warren affirmed so much in her comments to reporters after she left the race. We believed their were more lanes than two, particularly Warren supporters, but in fact, there are just two lanes. And the so-called “moderate lane” is just the larger of the two. Add in that the one progressive left is divisive and scares the more centrist aspects of our party, and of course they did shitty on ST. 

Really, what I think is while Amy, Pete and Liz are all acknowledging they failed to appeal to black voters, they failed to make inroads with black voters, and that the status of the electorate wasn’t as they hoped and they planned for a different type of electorate than what existed, Bernie and his supporters/campaign are doing the opposite. They aren’t learning from their losses, they aren’t listening to Voter Concerns, and are playing a dangerous blame game. Let’s be clear, they NEED people to move over from these campaigns to have a chance. If they wanna have a chance now, Bernie gotta win the states left by an average of 14%. I think they’re seeing the writing on the wall and instead of being graceful like the above candidates plus Kamala and Beto who just couldn’t compete while paying their staff fairly, they’re lashing out. 

So what I think in short is they’re being silly children and they are emotionally unintelligent dincuses that refuse to take accountability and are instead displacing their own failures onto others rather than do the more important hard work of digging deep, and also admitting that if they do wanna win, they will have to massively change the way their ship is ordered. Right now their ship is taking on water and instead of turning the pumps on, preparing lifeboats for bad eventualities, and shutting the water-tight doors, they’re sitting on the bridge blaming someone on another ship for a hole in their own ship, instead of trying to fix the situation while there is still time to do so. 

[beserkerjewel]

If you don't want to hear politics right now, I apologize, just delete this without reading any more. I'm getting tired of White Feminists. Like, it's not so bad this US election cycle, Liz Warren is a solid candidate even if she's not my first choice, but my sister who's supporting Warren was all-in for Hillary, and tbqh if the election was Sarah Palin vs. a Progressive man sis would hold her nose and vote Palin because "it's time for a woman."

Oh yeah I’m absolutely tired of white feminists, too. Doesn’t matter if their faves did wrong, they’ll still vote for them because “girl power” or some such bullshit!

[lemonbombsfjl]

Must-read!

Quoted below.

Press: Sir, Elizabeth Warren doesn't have any giraffes.

Trump: I'm just saying there's a giraffe problem. There is a big giraffe problem. [cough] Elizabeth Warren.

Press: It seems like you're trying to tarnish a political opponent with a made-up problem.

Trump: No, I am against people having too many giraffes. It's all about giraffes, and this is widespread. There are so many examples of this. You don't think people should have a bunch of giraffes in their house, do you? What kind of person thinks that is ok?

Press: That's not happening.

Trump: So many examples. Why, here's an example, one of so many, but just off the top of my head -- look at Elizabeth Warren, who has too many giraffes.

Press: Sir, Elizabeth Warren has no giraffes.

Trump: She stole them from the zoo, you know.

Press: Sir, she doesn't have any giraffes. The zookeeper says there are no giraffes missing.

Trump: That zookeeper is corrupt. I fired that zookeeper. This is the sort of thing I am talking about. So widespread. Such a problem. The zookeeper, Elizabeth Warren. It looks bad. Really bad. It doesn't look good!

Press: What

Trump: Did you hear about her rhinoceros? Or I should say rhinoceroses, rhinoceri. I am hearing that she has too many of those too. In her house. This is just lawlessness. On such a scale. People would be -- they would be shocked if they knew.

Press: Sir, this is not making any sense.

Trump: People say she does. I mean, we knew about the giraffes. That's a well-established fact by now, it's old news by now and everyone is very concerned about it. It's a fact to me and to people from which I am hearing. I mean, she just walks out of the zoo with who knows how many rhinoceroses. Right out the front door! And we don't even know how many rhinos. It's really so shameless.

Press: Sir, this didn't happen.

Trump: Right there in broad daylight, and then she gave the middle finger to a little girl who was crying. Yes, remember that? It was in the newspapers, it was all over the news but nobody said anything. Clearly this is something we need to investigate.

Press: Sir--

* * *

Pence: There are legitimate questions that ought to be asked. Not only the fact that she has too many giraffes but also the fact of the rhinoceroses. The American people really deserve some answers.

Press: But the story is not true. None of it is true.

Pence: Well we just won't know until we investigate this. This is a serious ethical issue and we just can't wave it off with a "this isn't true." That's really unfair to the American people because what if it's true even if it doesn't appear to be?

Press: But there are no grounds for an investigation.

Pence: The president is right. Whatever he said, it was right.

* * *

Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, Eric and Don Jr. are out walking their giraffes on Fifth Avenue in New York. They are giant, magnificent giraffes.

Eric [petting giraffe]: Good doggy.

* * *

Trump: Clearly this is something we need to investigate. Everybody wants this investigated. I called Petco about it. Here is the transcript.

Press [reads transcript]: Sir, this is you threatening to kill the manager of Petco if he can't supply a photograph of a giraffe in Elizabeth Warren's living room.

Trump: There was nothing improper about that call. Just read the transcript.

Press [reading]: You said "I will come to Petco and kill you with a knife if you do not do what I say."

Trump: See? Completely exonerating.

Press: It says "I will stab you to death and then burn your crummy store to the ground."

Trump: Why are you making a big deal about that? It's nothing. Just a friendly call, just a couple of guys talking.

* * *

Giuliani: There is giraffe poop all over Elizabeth Warren's lawn. I read about it in an e-mail and I found the same information on the internet. Here it is in a jpeg with Impact font.

Press: Sir, that is your poop. You pooped on Elizabeth Warren's lawn.

Giuliani: Yes I did. Of course I did. That's my job. I was hired to do that.

Press: Giraffe poop would be much larger than that, which is a human's poop.

Giuliani: Not necessarily. Earlier today I printed out some very true information from a website and I gave it to the police, the animal police. Well I should say the *acting* animal police. I think that once this very true information is known you will have a very different story.

Press: Sir, didn't you just say it was your poop?

Giuliani: I never said that.

* * *

Press: Mr. President, it appears you fired the zookeeper because she would not put giraffes into Elizabeth Warren's house.

Trump: The giraffes were there. I fired the zookeeper because she was bad, rotten. Really not good.

Press: We have a picture you drew of a giraffe inside a house, see the giraffe's head and neck are sticking out of a window. Underneath the picture, it says in your handwriting "like this." You sent this picture to the zookeeper.

Trump: I don't recall that. I don't think I did. I would never draw a giraffe, Democrats are the ones who draw giraffes. That zookeeper was trouble.

Press: She was voted Zookeeper of the Year for the previous six years. She is famous for her ability to prevent giraffe theft. You promoted her twice.

Trump: Are you even listening to me? It's like you're not even listening. She was trouble. TRUH. BULL. She was a mess, this lady. Oh she was so bad.

* * *

Trump: Elizabeth Warren claims she has no giraffes, I think this picture will blow that phony story out of the water. I think you will agree with me when I call her "Lyin' Liz."

Press: Sir, this is a photograph of Elizabeth Warren and her college roommate at a Halloween party in 1969. They are in costume.

Trump: That is Elizabeth Warren with a giraffe. Good old Lyin' Liz. Hold on, let me play this Nickelback song so you'll understand.

Press [shouting over Nickelback song]: That is Elizabeth Warren's college roommate in a costume, not a giraffe.

Trump: I think what the American people need to know is that Elizabeth Warren claims she has no giraffes, she has never met any giraffes, and yet her college roommate was a giraffe as shown by this picture. Lyin' Liz.

Press: Sir, I'm looking at this a bit closer and I believe her roommate is dressed as Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, not a giraffe.

Trump: Lyin' Liz. Lyin' Liz and the Giraffe Gaffe is what they say, that's what they are saying. Lock her up. In the zoo with her giraffe friends. Make her eat giraffe feed. Force it down her throat. I think that's what the American people want. After what she has done to this country, frankly it is what she deserves. I have this Breitbart poll...

* * *

Next month, 47% of the American public, to the other 53%, over Thanksgiving dinner: How could you vote for a lying giraffe and rhinoceros thief like Elizabeth Warren? She belongs in a cage. You are insane.

[maryfuckingwhitney]

this is a very random question, but you've mentioned in your fic/on here that you work in political fundraising, and i'm curious what you think of candidates like elizabeth warren trying to raise $ entirely without corporate funds. is that an unrealistic goal for national campaigns, esp for the presidency? is it a little too idealistic to go "all corporate PAC money is bad"? i don't really know enough about the landscape to have an opinion. thanks!

wow thank you for asking LEGEND!!!!!!!!! i know this was probably like 3 weeks ago so….. sorry if you never see this response. but i literally love talking about campaign finance.

anyway cut!

so the whole “no corporate PAC” thing is hot right now. it’s a good development for sure, but it doesn’t get to the root of the problem, for the most part. i don’t have the fullest stats on corporate pac $$$, but the FEC limits ANY pac from giving more than $10k ($5k for the primary, $5k for the general) to any candidate. most candidates are raising the majority of their money from individual donors, so theoretically you can survive without a PAC check. this is really only relevant for incumbents; corporate PACs (and a lot of wealthy donors) will give to whoever holds the seat, regardless of party or policy positions. so when someone is running as a challenger and says they won’t take corporate PAC money, it’s a good thing to say but just know that they are very unlikely to get offered any anyway, lol. i know this because i’ve had my candidates do it. at MOST (for a challenger) they’re turning down like $50k over the course of the cycle, and while that’s not an insignificant amount, you’ll get more than that from lefty PACs and grassroots money by saying it – it’s a popular message.

a lot of candidates are also promising not to take lobbyist money. this is good as well, and harder to define. it’s easy not to take a $2.8k max out check from federal registered lobbyists (even tho some candidates who have sworn off lobbyist money are taking it anyway and thinking no one will notice… lmao….) but there are lots of ways that lobbyists can steer money to candidates anyway. they can easily call 5 of their friends, or 5 executives from idk, the real estate industry if they’re a real estate lobbyist, to all give to that candidate instead, which is arguably more valuable. this is pretty impossible to regulate, and what’s known as “bundling” or in simpler terms, “raising money.” this is what someone who hosts a fundraiser for a candidate actually does. it’s not about the seating chart, or the venue, it’s about the host making the asks for the candidate.

this, to me, is why what liz is doing is so revolutionary and SO needed. she’s not doing any of that: she’s not asking rich people to host fundraisers with their rich friends for her and she’s not doing call time, which is literally sitting in a room with your finance person (moi) and calling people and asking them for $2.8k and then to raise another $10k from your friends. that’s the reality of how most time spent running for office is spent. on congressional campaigns it’s standard to spend 30+ hours a week doing call time, and i imagine it’s the same or higher for presidential candidates. 

on one hand, it’s a necessary evil. you need money to win. elections have consequences, and you need money to win them and to pass the policies you want. in order to have staff to do research or recruit volunteers or analyze data, you have to pay them. in order to have offices in all 50 states, you need to pay rent. to do voter registration, you need to train staff. this all costs money. anyone who’s serious about running for office needs to understand that, and to understand that you will have to take raising money seriously. there’s a lot to be criticized about hillary’s giant $500k a table fundraisers, but that money wasn’t just for her; it went to state and local parties and elected democrats up and down the ballot. you can do the “grassroots” thing, and you should, but people forget that even obama’s “legendary” online small dollar fundraising cost time and money to build, and he raise a fuckton from rich people too.

on the other hand, money in politics is SO corrupting (even if i personally think the problem is more about rich people giving themselves $250k and then having a network of rich friends to give them early seed money, therefore making the barrier to entry super high, but that’s for another time) and spending all day talking to rich people instead of middle/working class people TRULY warps your vision. the donor class’s policy views are NOT the views of the average voter – a really high profile example of this right now is playing out with ilhan omar, you can see the difference in views on AIPAC/Israel/Palestine in the democratic base vs the rich donor class in the actions of grassroots funded people like omar and aoc vs nancy/etc. it’s a really powerful statement for warren (and bernie, even tho this is just how he operates) to be rejecting it entirely, rather than talking about small dollar donations while still calling rich people. it’s one of those things that’s “just part of the system,” and we can’t start to change it until people start making alternative choices and showing that you can win anyway.

but can you win anyway? idk. maybe? a lot of studies have shown that the money raised specifically for general elections is far more than you need to win. money is actually more valuable in primaries – to compete among higher information voters and to show that you are viable. so if liz wins the nomination, i think it’s likely that she’ll start actively raising high dollar money. a lot of those people will give to her anyway, but i think she’ll start going after it as more of a way to demonstrate that she’s serious about using all possible resources to beat trump, rather than actually believing that it’s necessary. to actually answer your question, idk if it’s an unrealistic goal or not. i think it’s a worthy goal, and at the end of the day no one needs to spend as much on tv as they do, but is it realistic in 2020? i’m not convinced. but in order to make it realistic for 2024, we have to start changing norms and standards at some point. that point is now!

anyway idk if any of this makes sense, it’s mostly me rambling, and idk if you’ll even find this response anyway. but thank you for asking! you can message me privately if you want more info too and i will give you my entirely biased opinion

xoxo