#and i'm trying to set up therapy but the place i got a referral too can't see me until Feb 3rd....

[mirror-imaged]

i don't know if i've ever told this story on here but i feel like i should because it's insane and goddamn hilarious in a sort of What. way. but.

i had the somewhat good fortune of finally getting a referral for autism testing, which i hadn't actively been seeking due to not wanting to have the legal complications that come with an autism diagnosis on your record (it's complicated...) but the clinic with the best results kept refusing to get back to my psychiatrist over a period of four months. which sucked but he referred me to another guy for the sake of actually getting results, so i could deal.

i went downtown for this appointment and we ended up in the wrong building, because. the appointment listing was... at the wrong building. it was a four story old house converted into an office space for therapy and it was cool but it was not the right place, so i ended up driving down to the right place after a while and was a bit late.

i was already super anxious due to the lateness, and when we got there the guy was late letting us in too. this guy obviously usually works with younger children and because i was a minor at the time, we had to go there. so we sit down, he asks me some questions about my medical background for context, he asks my dad about my development schedule (which he either was wrong about or obviously didn't remember well) and then he asks my dad to leave the room. he starts talking to me personally and i was not on testosterone at the time, so i got usually clocked as Girl tm.

he asks about my other mental health problems. i kind of go over the list hesitantly, not really wanting to give details for more stigmatized stuff, and when i mention bpd he just. stops me. he asks for more like detail and i give it to him, and i do actually HAVE a bpd diagnosis. my psychiatrist was very supportive of me and my access to help. this assessment guy though, just starts interrupting me and like. telling me i don't actually have bpd because i'm not 18. which, that's not how it works. you don't just develop it the second you're an adult. it's a disorder rooted in childhood trauma. i get kind of emotional pushing back against the claims he's making about my situation and he goes on to say some dumb stuff about how i'm just like experiencing teenage stuff, which i already had experience with from my therapist so i was pretty resistant to it at least but christ.

so after he spends 40 minutes trying to thoroughly debunk my bpd diagnosis and telling me i'd never had psychosis because it wasn't exactly the same as the types outlined in the dsm-v (which, i think he also just had a copy of the dsm-iv in his room. lol) like completely forgetting the human experience is more than a set of rules on a piece of paper. uh. he asks about other psychotic symptoms i'd had, so i start going on about some of the other life experiences i'd had and eventually started opening up about some personal experiences with dissociation that i hadn't been able to talk about with anybody before. he did actually validate those though and somehow had never heard of structural dissociation which is laughable but after this moment where he did something actually helpful for me, he started trying to use that to explain any "gender identity disturbance" i had. which.? was something. like he didn't outwardly say i wasn't really trans, but he did imply it was slightly caused by my dissociative disorder. i don't even know what to say at this point LMFAO

and after that shit went down, in a 3 hour appointment might i add, he finally starts talking to me about the autism stuff. and goes through a checklist on a piece of paper for about 30 minutes total. he calls my dad back in and recaps the entire appointment to him and then after everything, hands me a packet of notes he'd taken and everything we discussed and tells me he's "really unsure about the autism at the current moment and it requires more observation time". MY GUY. THAT'S WHAT YOUR JOB WAS. THAT'S WHAT I WENT THERE FOR. NOT TO GET FAKECLAIMED ON MY BPD AND HALF DIAGNOSED WITH A DISORDER I WAS BARELY THINKING ABOUT AT THE TIME EVEN IF IT WAS CORRECT.

i was pretty fucking pissed by this and went to my psychiatrist a few weeks later with the packet he gave me, kind of like. enraged. and my psychiatrist told me he wanted to take a look at the notes between appointments after we'd discussed what happened, and the next time i saw him after that he told me (knowing me much better than the other guy) that it was some of the weirdest medical reporting and garbage practice he'd ever seen in his entire career. like zero professionalism involved. which was so validating lmfao but holy shit

anyway this is another reason why i hate the medical industry basically but at least it's so batshit i can use it as a fun story. thank you for absolutely nothing

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I'm really discouraged with therapy. Over the last 2 years I've really wanted to start therapy/ figure myself out and look into diagnosis for certain suspected neuro-divergenceys. At the start I could afford therapy and didn't have a working car to even get there, so I tried talking to my doctors office and I was really given a run around and no one would really explain to me what I had to do/ how to reach the criteria to get an certain referrals. I just kept talking to people that would tell me one thing and then a completely different thing and when I'd ask for a step by step they'd tell me its not their responsibility to know. And it really felt like they just didn't want to help/cared enough to just explain it to me. I got really disappointed and then stuff in my life got really hectic and the idea of therapy and stuff took a back burner and it just seemed like with the stress of everything I mentally just got worse. A few months ago I was finally in a place where I could afford in person therapy ( I can't deal with tech therapy, I can't focus so it has to be in person sadly) with my insurance finally giving me a referral and a list of therapists to contact. And I tried, I emailed and called every single one, every one of them completely ignored me but one and when I tried to set up an appointment with that one she never responded to me again. I tried multiple times to get into contact with any of them but no luck. And now its been like 3 months since I got approved from my insurance and I now don't have the time to try again and I'm afraid my insurance will revok the approval and not want to pay since I wasn't able to take advantage of it and I won't be for quite some time. Do you have any advice on how I should proceed? I'm so overwhelmed and I can't really tell most of the people around me what's up because they're all dealing with health or mental issues and I've been stuck playing therapist with a lot of them ( I really do care about them all and want to help but I'm a very low empathetic person and so I'm better with the rational side of solving problems not the comforting side) it's all really draining me, I hate being someone's go to person when they're in a bad place, and I know that's such a selfish messed up thing to say but it just makes my skin crawl and I just want to tear myself apart. I hate that I know their in a bad place but the continued telling me of all the self destructive behaviors they all have and the now lack of trying to change it is (and I don't know how to put this in nicer terms) annoying me. I'm not a therapist, I can only tell someone so many times that what they're doing is harmful and if they don't care because they want to hurt them I don't know how I can help?? I try, I really do and I know I'll keep trying to be there for them cause I know for a lot of them I'm the only person they can tell everything too. And I know it's what they need and that's okay but I'm so damn frayed and I have my own shit that I'm trying to navigate in addition to all the add ons, I get that I'm not as bad off as them. I don't have the copious amounts of trauma and I'm not directly suicidal and I don't want to actively hurt myself and I'm not hurting as much as them and I've been very lucky in life but I just want to be my version of okay. I want help, I want to not dread every day, to wake up tired and out of energy, I want to be okay... I get that, don't I?

Hey there,

I am so sorry that when you were able to and had access to receiving help and support for yourself that things didn’t go well at all in regards to therapists not getting back or replying to you. Unfortunately, sometimes therapists are really overworked and can get side tracked a lot or have their books full that they may not remember or have the capacity to take on another client. I am not in any way condoning the response or lack of from the therapists that you did contact as at the very least they should have said if they could take you on as a client or not, but sometimes you do have to be a bit pushy and keep contacting them until they do reply. You don’t have to do this in a malicious way, but by continuously contacting them and simply saying something like “Hi, I got in contact with you ‘x amount of time ago’ but I have yet to hear back from you. I was wondering if you could please contact me and let me know if you could take me on as a client or at the very least point me in the direction on someone who may be able to help me”. I do acknowledge that your insurance can only cover you to see particular therapists, but maybe if you could let them know that you haven’t had any luck with any of the names they gave you, then if it could be possible for you to see ‘x’ instead, and give them this person’s details. It may be a long shot but you never know if you will be given the green light to see someone else unless you ask and especially if you do not hear back from the list of therapists that they gave you details of.   

It can definitely be so draining when we are supporting others when we are needing that help and support for ourselves. This is not a selfish thought to have or feel either, everyone deserves to be heard and have someone be there for them, but at the same time it’s more than OK to let your friends know that you are unable to be there for them as you need to put yourself first and look after you! Let them know (if you can) of other supports that they may be able to access like therapy if they are not yet receiving any, or letting them know they can always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. Let them know they can also reach out to us if necessary and that even though you are not able to support them as much as you would like to personally, you have given them some ideas on where else they may be able to get such help/ support. It’s also really important that you know that you can only do so much for others, but in the end, it is up to them to put plans into action and that although they may have support from others or those around them, only they can make the changes to help themselves in the end when they feel ready to do so.  

You mentioned as well that you just want to be your version of OK and you were specific in ways that may help to show this. But can you think about how you may be able to achieve each one (no matter how silly or out of reach the steps may be) it may be really helpful and also to help fast track your recovery when you finally are able to get into therapy as you can then be really focused on what you are needing/ your aim in therapy and how the therapist you see may be able to help you to accomplish each one. You may even find that you can work towards some of the ways to be your version of OK yourself. Just something to think about!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you, hope that you are going well and that things start improving for you really soon!

Take care,

Lauren

[lordgolden]

if i get one more email about l*w sch**l or a new l*w r*v**w assignment i will lose it 

[mental-health-advice]

I've had severe depression for most of my life. Last year I moved out, and my depression practically disappeared. Eventually I came back home, after just a few days back my depression hit me hard. I'm certain my problems come from being around my family, they're good people and not in anyway abusive, but my mental health is terrible around them. I'm not sure what to do about it, they're not doing anything wrong and I feel kinda guilty about it, I don't know what I can do to get past it though...

Hi darling,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with depression for such a long time lovely! I think it’s really good that you’ve recognised that being around your family is a trigger for your depression in a way. Identifying triggers is an important step in recovery!

There actually is a big part of your ask that I can relate to. My family is really lovely, supportive, and they’ve always tried their hardest to help me with anything that I was struggling with. Yet in general I feel better when I’m at my own place than when I’m at theirs. There are a lot of different reasons for why this is the case and most of these reasons are not because of something they did or how they act. They aren’t doing anything wrong, but I don’t feel like I can be myself when I’m at theirs. A couple years ago I had the choice of going inpatient or staying with my parents, and I chose the first. Two months ago something similar happened, except instead of inpatient I stayed with someone I’m really close to. It hurt my parents a lot that this was a better option for me than to stay with them, especially because I can’t really pinpoint why. There are some things, but it doesn’t all add up, it’s hard to put into words. Sorry for this rambling about me! I’m just trying to show to you that you aren’t alone in this, and that it’s possible to experience mental health struggles around certain people who aren’t abusive or anything like that.

I know it’s tempting to feel guilty about this lovely, but it isn’t your fault! You can’t help that you’re struggling with depression or that being around your family seems to be a trigger for you. You didn’t choose that, it happened and it’s already really unfortunate that you’ve had to deal with those consequences. Please try not to beat yourself up over this lovely, it really isn’t on you. Something that can help with these kind of things is to ask yourself the friend-question: “if a close friend was in the situation you’re in, and they were feeling the way you do (guilty), would you tell them that guilt was at place? Would you blame them?” I don’t think you would. We often are much kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves, so asking yourself this question can really help put things into perspective.

I think there isn’t something set in stone that I can tell you off that will definitely help with this. I also haven’t found out exactly what helps me. The way I’ve been going about it recently is by having family therapy sessions. I already see a therapist individually, and every once in a while we have a family session (with my individual therapist and a family therapist). Sometimes in the individual sessions leading up to the family sessions we try to figure out certain things about the relationship with my family, which we will then discuss during such a family session. Other times we don’t really pay much attention to that matter during our individual sessions, and during the family sessions we get more into how things are going at home. A while ago we got the ‘homework’ to all express our emotions more, as my family isn’t the greatest at doing that. Whether these things will work, I don’t know yet because I’m not there yet, but I think it’s at least worth trying? I don’t know if you’re seeing a therapist, but that could be a good first step. With them you can try to figure out more of the reasons behind why your mental health is so bad around them. Then once you start to identify these reasons, you can start to talk about if that’s something you’d like to work on with your family, and if so, how. If you decide it’s something you want to work on, of course your family will have to be on board with it too. But that’s very far away for now! First, you’d have to go to your GP / local doctor and ask them for a referral to a therapist. You can read more about getting professional help here.

I really hope that this was at least a little bit helpful lovely! I apologise for all my rambling.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline