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christinesficrecs · 4 years

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This trainwreck of a post is dedicated to oodball-faerietales for being a kind and generous soul. You are appreciated always. 💖

Every single one of these fics is a gift which I have opened multiple times and enjoyed them every time! I did not include any fics I’ve already mentioned this year and it was SUPER hard! But you can find more favorites here.

Wait by cutloosemcgoose | 23.4K | Explicit

Sitting on his couch, staring at the wall, it feels like Derek is watching his whole, miserable, lonely life flash before his eyes. He’s twenty four and he’s alone. No family, no friends, no real pack. He’s six days away from spending one of the most family-oriented holidays of the year trying to avoid any human interaction. If anyone could see him right now, they would tell him he looks pathetic. If Laura could see him right now, she would probably beat the crap of him and then tell him he’s a loser.

I am a HUGE fan of the woke up married trope but this fic is so much more than that!!! I should probably say that I wasn’t that impressed with the movie The Family Man but this AU is 20 times better!!! So even if you don’t care for Nick Cage or kid fics, this fic is still worth a read. Why you say?!?!! Stiles is THE perfect husband through and through. He is EVERYTHING Derek deserves and so much more! Also, I was just chatting up @dearericbittle about how much I love a great epilogue:

“Are you ready?”

“Jesus, Derek,” Stiles says, turning around so quickly that his foot catches on the rug and he almost goes flying. “You’re not supposed to see me before the wedding, it’s bad luck.”

Derek rolls his eyes at Stiles and they stare at each other for a second, wordless, before Stiles cracks up.

“Yeah, I know,” he says. Derek used to think that Stiles was mildly psychic, maybe an empath or something because of the spark, but he’s since realized that Stiles just knows him—knows all of them—so well that’s it scary and a little out-of-this-world.

“Are you ready?” he asks again. Stiles straightens the lapels of his tux, frowns down at it.

“I feel really silly wearing something so fancy to be married by an Elvis impersonator, I’d just like to say.”

“Write your congressman,” Derek advises. “Come on, we gotta go.”

Big Days by crazyassmurdererwall ( smartalli) | 9.6K

It’s an impulse really, inviting Derek to spend Thanksgiving with him and his dad. The Sheriff. Who once arrested him. It’ll be fine. Stiles is sure it’ll be fine.

This is pure gold. EVERY single thing about this fic is a gift!

“I might have invited someone to spend Thanksgiving with us.”

He lifts one eyebrow. “You might have?”

“Yeah, no. I absolutely did.”

He may as well own up to it. Besides he’s not sorry he did, he’s just sorry he has to have this decidedly awkward conversation.

“Okay…” John says slowly. “And do I know this person?”

“You do.” Stiles nods back, slowly. “Sort of.”

“Sort of.” His hand grasps the edge of the counter as he says, with a saintly patience born only out of years of being Stiles’ dad, “Does this person have a name?”

“They do.”

“Excellent. And their name would be…?”

Saturday Night At The Movies by aussiebee | 7.3K | Explicit

After running into Stiles at the late night movies, Derek realises just how badly Stiles is handling the post-nogitsune fallout. He knows the feeling.

Derek healing post-nogitsune Stiles with saturday night movie dates is perfect!

Derek didn’t see much of Stiles in the days after that, but it was hard to be disappointed about it when he drove past the café on Fourth St and saw Stiles and Scott sitting inside, talking over coffee, or when he came out of the bank diagonally opposite the sheriff’s station to see Stiles and his dad sitting on the bench beneath the tree outside of it eating lunch together, both of them looking lighter than they had in months.

But then Saturday arrived again, and Stiles was letting himself into the loft, settling in against Derek’s side in his customary spot, bogarting the remote. “Spaceballs is on in twenty minutes,” he said, smelling of nerves and hope.

“I’m so excited I couldn’t hold my oil,” Derek quoted, making Stiles chuckle, the sound light and at ease.

“May the Schwartz be with you,” he responded gravely, then leaned into Derek and snuggled up close when Derek lifted an arm to drape around his shoulders.

A Walk in the Clouds by Dexterous_Sinistrous | 13.9K

The one set during WWII where Stiles is a pregnant grad student and Derek is a PTSD riddled soldier, both of them looking for a better life.

I love crossovers and AUs. Jill did such a great job with this film reboot!!

Mieczysław couldn’t help the small smile on his lips. “You can call me Stiles,” he offered.

Derek sighed. “Stiles is certainly different than Mischief,” he stated.

“A nickname,” Stiles replied.

“Well, Stiles,” Derek started. “What if you brought home a husband?”

Stiles looked confused by Derek’s suggestion. “How could I do that? There is no one—”

“There’s me,” Derek replied.

“I— I couldn’t ask that of you,” Stiles began. “I already ruined your trip to San Francisco.”

“Maybe I was meant to be here,” Derek offered. “There seems to be a reason for me bumping into you on the train—exchanging our tickets. Getting kicked off the bus.”

“Those were all my fault,” Stiles dejectedly replied.

Derek shook his head. “Or it was fate knowing that you needed a husband for a day.”

Call Me (Cliché) by SomewheresSword | 84.6K | Mature

When the sheriff's sister ends up in a wheelchair for the duration of summer, Stiles' dreams of three months full of pack bonding, late-night video games and bro-time with Scott come crashing down. He's temporarily relocated to Redford, a three hour drive away, and he can already tell he won't be getting many visitors.

Sure the pack will forget about him while he's gone, Stiles is determined to make the most of his summer of isolation, training his body and mind - and his magic - so he can come back with a bang, and maybe catch a certain Sourwolf's eye.

Then Derek shows up at his window one night with a flimsy excuse about needing research done. Suddenly, his summer away is looking a whole lot more interesting.

When I was a young fangirl there was a series called Ever Fallen In Love With Someone. This is not that fic but the initial plot is similiar especially with the S2 vibe which gives me all the feels!

“So, there’s this guy,” he began, anxiously reaching for a cookie and nibbling at the edge. Hannah nodded in a wordless ‘go on’ motion. “He’s… older. Dad wouldn’t like it. Or him.” Very firmly didn’t like him, as a matter of fact. Hannah’s grin widened.

“Ooh, a bad boy?” Stiles nodded — that was a bit of an understatement. “Sexy. Tell me about him.”

“He’s got these really dumb, scowly eyebrows that are about ninety percent of his facial expressions and at least fifty percent of those expressions threaten murder,” he said, the words coming before he could think to stop himself. “But he’s such a marshmallow and he doesn’t seem to realise that I can’t take him seriously anymore because I know he’s got all of the emotions. He’s so damn overprotective and sweet and he pretends like he doesn’t care about anything but it’s all lies and I just wanna give him a hug so bad because I honestly don’t know the last time someone hugged him for real.”

Tell Me, So I Know by TroubleIWant | 7.4K | Mature

It took years for Derek to finally confront the way he felt about Stiles, and even after he figured it out he could only explain in Spanish. It took them two years more to get to where they were now. Only with neither of them quite willing to commit, where exactly is that, anyways?

Well, for Stiles it’s a deserted stretch of road behind the Hale house, half trapped in a car wreck after being abducted by hunters. Frankly, he could really use Derek’s help if he’s going to get out of this alive. Mates are supposed to be able to tell when the other is in pain, right? As Derek would probably say, 'querido, no.'

Or, a love story in two parts... and two languages.

I love everything about this fic. It’s hot and beautiful with mates and polyglot Derek. So perfect!

He trails off, knowing he can’t say amor in the next line without Stiles realizing exactly the sort of thing he’s being told.

“Holy hell,” Stiles rasps, his voice heavy with lust. Even in the low light Derek can see the pulse in his neck, the rabbit-fast tick confirming exactly how attractive Stiles finds his bilingual skills. “What was that?”

Derek shrugs. “Just something I memorized once. It reminds me of you.”

“What’s it mean?”

“It’s a parable about a sheep who pesters a wolf with too many questions and gets eaten for being so annoying.”

“Liar,” Stiles says with a smirk, but he leans back in his chair and doesn’t press the issue for the rest of the meal.

#sterek #fic rec #sterek fam #chris' favorite fics

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monster-madame · 4 years

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Impulsive Decisions (Breanna x Jackson) | Modern Orc Boyfriend x Human Witch Woman

Hello hello!

Here is a hetero NSFW orc boyfriend story, featuring a human plus size woman witch and an orc named Jackson!

I couldn’t figure out how to photoshop the tempting rugby player photographed green (what a problem to have), so use your imagination. <3

Details: This is a reader insert story, but I do name the character becuase I find “Y/N” distracting.

Word Count: 6,305 [800 ish is smut]

* * * * *

You blew your hair out of your face, pushing through the kitchen doors into the dining area. You normally didn’t work lunches, as you were taking computer science classes at the local university. Classes made the lunch shift nearly impossible, but you were on break between spring and summer courses.

Walking through the packed dining room, you mentally noted to avoid taking lunch rushes during the future. You definitely preferred the more relaxed pace of the dinner shift. The lunch shift seemed mostly made up of patrons who were on a time crunch for their lunch hour. You winced as their stressed energy grated against your Senses.

“Here you are,” you said to one of your tables, putting down your tray. The guests smiled at you and continued talking animatedly to one another, they all seemed to be friends. Their energy was open, fun and a little mischievous.

Vinnie’s attracted a more diverse set than other restaurants, and the table sat a good assortment of humanoids – a half-orc, a tiefling, a human (probably a witch by the tattoos) and a minotaur.

“Did you see that Jackson Scott is here?!” the tiefling whispered to the table. “I can’t believe we’re lunching where JACKSON SCOTT lunches! Wasn’t he just declared one of the riches men in Boston by The Globe?”

You raised your eyebrows at that. Vinnie’s was a nice restaurant, but it wasn't nice nice, like 5 dollar signs on Yelp! nice. What was he doing here?

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” you asked the table. The minotaur asked for another side of Mayo. “I’ll go snag that for you and be right back,” you said, mentally noting what drinks needed to be filled.

Turning to go back into the kitchen you heard a crash in a far corner. Looking over, you saw that it belonged to one of your BFFs, Jill, who was red-faced and mopping up what looked to be marinara sauce around a really pissed off orc. Jill is a slight dryad, and you could feel her stress emanating at you.

Striding over, you slapped on your best Hospitality Smile, ready to flex your energetic charms as an empath to diffuse the situation. You strided over, noting that the patron was seated in what the staff called the “Do Not Disturb” table, that was situated behind potted plants and in an alcove.

Well, at least other patrons wouldn’t be able to gawk at the lot of you.

As you neared, you realized why he was seated at the DND table. Oh fuck. He was a VIP.

It was, of course, Jackson Scott. Jill had a knack for ticking off the wrong customers. He was ripped, with the kind of body that would make Jason Moma ask for workout tips. Beautiful tusks and a real energy of “fucking pissed off” about him. Nearing 7 feet tall with dark hair, he was seated in one of the special chairs designed to withstand a taller being.

“Hello,” you said greeting him. “We’re so terribly sorry for the accident. We’ll of course cover the dry cleaning bill and help you get into different clothes. We can send you home with a take out order and a giftcard on the house? We’ll cover the Uber, so you can get changed?”

“This,” he grit out, gesturing to his linen suit, “is bespoke. And ruined. Do you intend to cover the cost of a new summer suit?”

Um, no, the restaurant probably couldn’t cover a suit that would cover six months of rent. Seeing your hesitation, his frustration grew.

“Look, I came here for a quiet lunch between meetings, and if I had known the staff was so incompetent,” he said, looking at Jill, “then I definitely would’ve gone elsewhere. Do you typically keep on staff that are so bad at their jobs?”

Oh, no he fucking did NOT. Jill was one of their best servers! Accidents happen!!

“Jill is one of our best staff members, and we so apologize for this accident,” you said, upping your mental defenses, just in case his energy became more aggressive. “We have an excellent dry cleaner, and I so appreciate you helping us get this sorted out,” you said. Sometimes thanking someone for being on your side helped them actually be on your side.

Seeing your words had no effect, you let out a trickle of an calm energy to the restaurant.

Unfortunately, that little oomph of calm you tried to use totally backfired. His tension ratcheted up. Your Hospitality Smile vanished right off your face.

“Are you fucking magicking me?” he grit out, shoving his chair back from the table.

Technically, no. You were magicking yourself and the energy around you, but you didn’t think he’d see it that way.

Desperately trying to figure out how to fix a situation that had totally gotten out of hand, you saw Gio, Vinnie’s son, headed towards them. Oh, thank god. Vinnie was human, and he was able to effortlessly engage with all types of beings.

Gio arrived on the scene, strategically placing himself so that Jackson had to move a bit to address him, shielding their party from prying eyes.

“What seems to be the problem here, Jackson?” he asked, addressing the Orc.

“Your staff is fucking incompetent and magicking patrons, Gio,” he bit out. “What kind of restaurant did I just put money into?”

At the word “money,” you looked at Jill, shocked.

“I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding,” shared Gio. “Breanna would never magick a customer, and her magick doesn’t even work that way –”

“Wait a moment,” you interjected. “He bought Vinne’s?!”

Jackson shifted his attention to you, realizing he had two shit shows on his hands. “I mean, he’s more of an investor–”

Well, crap. Spilling marinara sauce on one of Boston’s elite was bad. Ruining the suit of an investor was even worse. This could be disastrous for Jill.

Glancing at Jill’s face, you realized she had figured out the same thing.

Chewing your lip, your mind raced. BAM! You had a solution. Jill really fucking needed this job and, you, well, didn’t. The restaurant was trying to expand, and needed capital. Telling Jackson Scott to fuck off wasn’t an option.

You knew what you had to do.

Turning back on your Hospitality Smile, you turned to the Orc. Jackson. “Mr. Scott,” you said smoothly. “I so apologize for your experience today at Vinne’s. This is not the kind of service our staff is trained to give. Because I trained Jill, I take full responsibility for this issue. Faulty training isn’t up to our standards at Vinnie’s, so I’ll be replaced.”

You then took off your apron, and handed it to Gio. You then took out your mini-wallet that held your license, credit card and a few business cards. You peeled off one of your business cards.

“If you’ll please send the bill to the email address on that card, I’ll be happy to reimburse you.” You handed it to a stunned Jakson Scott.

The three of them stared at you.

“Miss, wait, I think there’s been a misunderstanding –” Jackson started.

“No, no totally my fault,” you said with your Hospitality Smile, emanating graciousness and competence. This needed to work. If he asked Gio to fire Jill, Gio would probably have to. Although to be honest, if a prejudiced Orc now owned the restaurant – excuse you, invested in it – you weren’t sure how long Jill would have a job.

“I’ll let Gio sort out your Uber and meal. Have a great rest of your day, Mr. Scott.”

And then you spun on your heel on and left the dining room, headed to the staff room to grab your bag. You felt hot tears at the back of your eyes as you walked back. No. You would not cry. You kept your Hospitality Smile firmly in place.

The people at Vinnie’s were your family, the only family that mattered. You knew you weren’t going to work here for the rest of your life, but you for sure thought you’d finish your degree before leaving. And even then you had planned to work the odd weekend shift or get more involved in the back office.

But Gio and Vinnie had been looking for an investor for ages, needing cold hard cash to update the restaurant and expand to another location, for Gio to fully run. They needed Jackson Scott. More than they needed you.

You grabbed your purse, dropping off a side of Mayo and a refill on the Iced Tea at your table, before heading out. “Another server will be taking over for me,” you told them smoothly.

You left out the front doors, and you didn’t start crying until you were a few buildings down the sidewalk.

* * * *

You wake up the next morning, blearily scrubbing your hands over your itchy and puffy eyes. What a crappy evening that had been.

You’d spent the evening googling the heck out of Jackson Scott. He was an MIT grad, and he had built and sold several technology companies, and he was an investor in a variety of industries. Photos showed him with his large clan, and he seemed involved in a good amount of charities.

Studying his photos last night, you could NOT get over how good looking he was. He was broad shouldered with muscles, he had a rugby player’s build. His gleaming tusks curved over his upper lip. Dark forest green eyes and great bone structure.

Plus, he had recently had an interview in GQ, and the stylist had had fun with a few shots – Mr. Scott was apparently a Calvin's briefs kind of guy. If those briefs (and what was likely under them) had made their way through your dreams, you couldn’t be blamed! You couldn’t control your subconscious!

He probably had a good PR team, but your Senses told you that this wasn’t the type of guy to make a scene at a restaurant. But he had made a scene, and you had had to quit.

You rummage around to try to find your phone in your bed, eventually snagging it.

*** 47 Notifications ***

You groan to yourself.

You’d turned your phone on airplane mode as soon as you left the restaurant, and promptly carbo-loaded as soon as you got to your apartment.

Sighing, you went to the kitchen to make some coffee. As it started brewing, you began cleaning up after last night’s pity party, loading your dishwasher and wiping down the counter.The buzzer on your apartment rang.

**** BZZZZZZT ****

You ignored it.

**** BZZZZZZT ****

Go away!” you said aloud.

Couldn’t the world respect your need to mope?!?!

**** BZZZZZZT ****

The buzzing became more insistent.

**** BZZZZZZT ****

You harrumphed and walked over to the speaker, pressing the button. “I’m not in the mood to see anyone today!” you snarked into it.

“Ms. Alexander, I apologize for disturbing you,” said the voice of the and only Jackson Scott. “We had a terrible misunderstanding yesterday, and I’d like to meet with you to remedy it as soon as possible.”

Your mouth dropped open in surprise. What in the actual hell?!“How do you know where I live?!” you said tersely into the speaker. Surely this asshat had something better to do than creep on chubby witches?!

He cleared his throat into the speaker. “Ahem, well, yes I may have glanced in your personnel file. I grew worried last night when you didn’t answer messages from myself or Gio.”

You opened your mouth to speak. Closed it. Opened it.

Feeling like a fish, you cast your eyes desperately around.

Pressing on, he said, “Would you be amenable to a breakfast meeting? Or a lunch meeting? I have to go run a few errands, and then I could meet you at that little cafe down the street in two hours?”

Realizing he was determined to meet with you, yet respecting your boundaries by asking you to a public place, you decided to cut him some slack.

You pressed the buzzer. “Okay sure. I’ll see you there in two hours.”

“Great, thank you for being so accommodating,” he quickly replied. “I’ll see you there soon.”

As soon as the crackle of the speaker stopped, you were seized with a terrible realization.

You were going to brunch with Jackson Scott, and you had no idea what to wear.

************************

One hour and fifty-three minutes later, you were waiting outside the cafe. After agonizing over outfits, ou had gone for what you hoped was chic casual, high waisted jeans and a front tucked white cotton button down with keds. You put your long hair in a messy bun, braiding a headband to make it clear you put in effort – but not so much that you cared too much.

You went up to put your name on the list, “Hi, table for two? For Breanna?” The place was packed, and you weren’t sure how long the wait would be.

“Breanna Alexander?” the human hostess asked you. .

“Uhh, yeah?”

“Right this way please.”

She took you to the back garden, where tables were interspersed in amongst raised flower beds. The flower beds gave the feeling that each table was in its own garden, and also made the air smell divine.

You loved this cafe.

Turning a corner, you could see Jackson Scott seated at a table (in a corner, of course). He was almost too tall for the chair, one leg crossed flat over the other. He wore casual dark jeans and a light gray hoodie sweater.

You brought up your Senses, shielding yourself from any aggressive energy that may come your way.

You got to the table, and he stood to greet you. The hostess placed some menus down, murmuring something you didn’t catch.

“Thank you for meeting me,” he said, his hand outstretched for a professional handshake. He seemed earnest and a little nervous.

“Well, I was a little worried you would stay outside of my building until I did,” you joked lightly, stretching out a hand and clasping his.

His hand engulfed yours. Oh dear.

He warmly grasped your hand, and then released it. You put your bag down, and then sat.

Okayyyyyy, you said to yourself. This is a professional breakfast meeting. You need to make sure you call him on his shitty behavior, keep it together and not drool.

He cleared his throat. “I want to start this out right. First of all, I want to apologize for my terrible behavior yesterday. This has been a month from hades, but that’s no excuse for howI acted. I apologized and made amends with Jill and Gio.”

Oh god is this going to be a non-apology? Wait, why had this been a month from hell?

“And now, I’d like to apologize to you,” he said looking deep into your eyes.

He looked at you steadily.

“I am so sorry for what occurred yesterday. I am sorry that you felt you had to quit your job to help resolve the mess, and I deeply admire your quick thinking in a tough situation. However, I’m not the kind of Orc who would expect or demand someone to quit over an accident. I know Gio has reached out to you to be clear your job is still yours if you want it, and I wanted to meet with you in-person to promise that I would not behave that way in the future.”

He finished and looked at you, waiting. You lowered the defenses a bit on your Senses, to try to get an idea of how sorry he was.

His energy was truly apologetic, truly apologetic. You were getting embarrassment, self-consciousness and a good bit of hope from him.

Just then, the waitress came by. “Have you decided what you’re having?” she asked, looking at you.

You hadn’t even looked at the menu.

“Can you give us another few moments?”

“Sure!” she said brightly. “I’ll just bring around some coffee if that’s okay?”

You nodded and then looked at Jackson.

“Have you had the waffles?” he asked. “Not that I’m biased or anything, but I think the combination of sugar and carbs could help put you in a more forgiving mood.” His eyes sparkled at you with humor.

“Or a food coma,” you joked back.

Now that the tension had eased a bit, you realized you didn’t really hate him. His apology had been full and fair, and hadn’t been one of those half-ass apologies you were used to the men in your life making. Aaaand, truth be told, you probably should’ve offered to quit and let him get a few words in, before marching out of Vinnie’s yesterday. You could be a tad impulsive.

“There’s no need for waffles to inspire forgiveness,” you said to him. “You acted like a total asshat, but I really appreciate you going above and beyond to fix things.”

His shoulders relaxed. “It’s good to hear that,” he said. “Do you want to look over the menu? I know what I’m ordering.”

“Me too,” you said instantly.

“Waffles?”

“No, pancakes! Which are better in every way.”

This then sparked a debate about breakfast foods, which turned into you talking about food in general and travel. Jackson was really smart and witty, and he was so fun to talk to.

As the meal winded down, you realized that you didn’t want brunch to end. You really liked spending time with him. And looking at him.

“So, there was another reason I was hoping to talk to you,” he shared, as the waitress took away the plates. His energy wavered, and you could tell this was important to him. “I invested in Vinnie’s because it’s one of the only restaurants in the city that accommodates different species, and I wanted to help grow that.”

You nodded. This was one of the many reasons you loved working there.

He continued. “That said, there have been limitations. Species that aren’t as humanoid, say Driders for example, are welcome to come – but the staff has to move around furniture and it can make booking complicated. Many beings want to come, but are worried about putting the staff out by having them have to go through extra work. I know you’re studying computer science, so I was hoping we could design some sort of online reservation system – like an app – that would help us better plan for and accommodate different beings. Someone could book through the app, and their profile would signal staff as to what changes need to be made. There’s a lot of kinks to work out – wait, before I go on, is that something you’d be interested in?”

Wow, you were NOT expecting this. You did have experience in app design, and you could probably license an existing reservation platform and modify it to your needs. Your mind starting whirling.

“Breanna..?” he asked, uncertain as to what you were gonna say.

“Oh, sorry!” you said, your face scrunching in embarrassment. “I would be absolutely LOVE to work with you on this project. How do we get started? How do you see this working, from a meetings and timeline perspective?”

His energy perked immediately, and you could feel his excitement.

“Well, we’d have to start with user interviews….”

****

About a month later, part of your apartment was covered in frameworks and sketches. Jackson had given you a small team to lead, and you were having a blast learning how to delegate different parts of the platform to the other freelance contractors on the project - as well as learning a lot in the coding and design portion. Jackson was pretty involved, meeting with you throughout the week and staying updated on progress.

Jackson acted more like a collaborator than a boss, trusting your experience and know-how. But, technically, he was your boss (client?) as he was approving your invoices for freelance development.

And you had a giant huge crush on him. You’d been having steamy daydreams about him for weeks, many of which involved you, him, the restaurant and a variety of sexual positions involving the bar.

Luckily he was an Orc with zero empathic abilities, or this would be really awkward. Guys like Jackson Scott did not go for chubby computer nerds, they dated, like, supermodels. Or high powered business women. Or high powered business women who were ALSO supermodels.

UGH.

Your pity party was interrupted by your phone chiming, and you jumped to grab it. You had assigned a specific ringtone to Jackson. You told yourself it was because this was your first fully professional project, but the butterflies in your stomach said differently. In a positively Pavlovian move, you scampered over to your phone, eager to see what it said.

Hey, Breanna – I’m going to need to move our meeting next week. I have to go out of town.

Ugh. Probably to take his supermodel-tycoon girlfriend on a trip.

The phone chimed again.

A screenshot of his calendar popped up.

Is there a time you see free that would work for us to meet? I realize it’s a lot to ask, but maybe in the evening?

Shoot. Looking at his schedule you realized your classes, study nights and group project meetings all happened when he was free.

The only time he was and you were free was tomorrow night, which was a Friday night.

Hey, no problem! You texted back. Our schedules almost totally clash, unfortunately. IDK if this works for you, but I could do tomorrow night? I realize you probably have some event or probably forgot to put something on your calendar, but I can move my Netflix marathon to a different night.

You sent it without thinking, then read it back as you waited for him to reply. Reading back over it, you groaned.

Great. You had just told Jackson Scott you had no life. You usually kept Friday night free to decompress, socializing on Saturday night or during the weekend.

Then another, even worse thought hit you. What if he thought you were trying to finagle this into a DATE?!

Nope, nothing on Friday night! He replied.

Thank all the gods.

Would you prefer to meet at the office? My home office? Wherever works for you.

Eugh, go into an office building on a Friday evening? No thanks. But also you were pretty sure you’d feel super nervous and out of sorts at his home. You didn't know what his setup would be like, and you’d probably get all jittery worrying about his tech working or having a whiteboard to brainstorm on or or or

Then it hit you. He could just come to your place. You had everything here already, and your walls were practically ready for a presentation. You had met with a few of the other contractors in your apartment, Skyping in the others who didn’t live in the city.

Would you be okay to come to my place? I already have everything taped up, gantt charts and all. You texted back, knowing it was definitely the best solution for you.

Sure! He instantly replied.

We could do a 6-9pm meeting? Order takeout and eat while we work?

Perfect! You replied. Just no waffles. ;)

****

“This is not a date,” you told your reflection sternly to your reflection in the mirror. “This is a professional project update. You are a professional. You are a leading business woman.”

You jabbed your finger at your reflection for emphasis.

“You are an empowered and capable business woman!”

**** BZZZZZZT ****

It was show time.

“Come on up,” you said through the speaker.

In a few moments, Mr. Jackson Scott was in your kitchen.

Righto.

“Hey,” he said. He swung his laptop bag off his shoulder and put it on the counter. Your mouth went dry seeing his shoulder muscles flex as he put it down. He wore his usual uniform of dark jeans and a button down dress shirt. You were wearing a jersey jumpsuit, your hair in a high ponytail.

“Food should be here any minute. I realized it would be faster if we had it delivered instead of me picking it up.”

“That makes sense,” you said. “Do you want to jump on in or should we wait for food to get here?”

**** BZZZZZZT ****

“Never mind,” you said with a laugh, and a few moments later you were dumping chow-mein onto a plate. You used your counter as a table, him on one side and you on the other, as your table was covered with project materials.

You chatted with him comfortably about school and Vinnie’s while you ate, and he told you some funny stories about his nieces and nephews. Whipping out his phone, he started showing you pictures.

“This is Carrie learning how to hula hoop,” he said laughing, swiping through photos of an adorable orc kiddo, who looked to be about 7-years-old. She was gleefully laughing in the photo, and she seemed pretty proud of herself.

“She’s so cute!” you exclaimed.

Just then a bubble notification appeared at the top of his screen. Before you could stop yourself, your eyes darted up to the top of the screen.

Just make a move already, dude!

Then another bubble

Just be honest with her, she’s not going to think you’re a creep…..

Then another bubble popped up

Waiting until the app is done isn’t gonna work, because it’s gonna need updates. It won’t ever be totally….. [read more]

Jackson made a choking noise, then pushed the lock button his phone, putting it facedown on the countertop. You stared at it. Why was his friend talking about making a move and their app…?

Oh.

Your face felt hot. Oh goddess, were you blushing? You bet you looked like a tomato right now. Your eyes met his.

He cleared his throat.

“So, um, this was not how I wanted to have this conversation,” he said, sheepishly running his hand through his hair. There were those dang arm muscles again.

“I didn’t want to say anything, because it puts you in a really awkward spot if you’re not interested in me, too.”

He glanced down at his phone. “But, since we’re here, I guess I’ll just try to be an honest adult about this.”

“‘I’m, uh, really into you. Like really into you. and I’m really attracted to you. You’re smart, gorgeous, funny, and I love spending time with you. I’d like to date, if, um, well, you’d be interested in seeing where this goes…?”

Your brain had fitzed out. Date Jackson Scott? Jackson Scott thought you were gorgeous?

Your daydreams and, ahem, sex dreams came running through your mind. Spending time with Jackson? Talking with him more? Kissing Jackson? Getting naked with Jackson? Sucking Jackson off on the bar at Vinnie’s–

“Breanna?” he asked. “If you need some time to think about this, I can totally go..? We can reschedule?”

You snapped back to the present, where real sexy-ass Jackson Scott had just told you he was into you.

“Oh, um, no! I’m sorry, I spaced out for a minute imagining jumping your bones. I’d love to, um, date you.”

His face broke out in a grin. “Jump my bones, huh?”

You felt your face return to its previous tomato state.

“Sorry, I definitely need to do a better job of thinking before I speak –”

He came around the counter, standing in front of you. “No, I think you did a pretty good job of stating your position,” he said, bending down a bit, so that his mouth was about an inch away fro yours. “I’m up for whatever you’re up for.”

Galvanized by his lips so close to yours, you leaned up into him. You kissed him hard, standing up and leaning into him. His hands came around you, starting at your waist.

You arched your back into him, going on your tip toes to get his hands to go a bit lower. He obliged, kneading your lower back as he tongued your mouth. His hands went lower, cupping your ass cheeks.

Needing to feel him against you, you jumped up on the counter, wrapping your legs around his torso. You had fantasized about this so many times, and you ached to just rub yourself on him. You loved the feeling of rubbing your clit over jeans.

He gasped into your mouth as he felt you grind your pussy over his crotch. “I’ve wanted to feel that for so long,” he said, panting and kissing his way along your neck.

“Mmmm, me too,” you moaned as he nipped where your neck met your shoulder.

Your breasts felt heavy, your nipples aching as they rubbed through your lacy bralette against his chest. God you really wanted his hands on your nipples.

You tore at the top of your jumpsuit, pulling it off your shoulders so you could feel his mouth on your breasts. He kissed the newly exposed skin of your shoulders as you shrugged out of it, his hot mouth making you ever more wet.

His hands traced along the edges of your bralette, teasing you. “Jackson,” you whined.

“Oh, am I allowed to see what’s under here?” he lightly teased you, as you writhed under his caresses.

“Yes, please,” you whined. “I need to feel your mouth on me–”

He shoved down your bralette, exposing your breasts. Your nipples were completely erect. He tweaked one breast and drew his mouth over the other. Sucking and nibbling your breast, you moaned low for him.

“Oh my god, just like that, please, oh my god I need more –”

“What do you need baby, tell me what you need,” he murmured.

“Harder, I need you to bite harder” you said, ending your words in a wail as he bit your nipple harder and twisted the other one.

“Oh FUCK,” you moaned, feeling an orgasm begin to build.

“Please, my pussy,” you whined, and his hand dipped down to your crotch.

“You want my fingers inside of you?” he murmured, his hand cupping you.

“Yes, please, fuck me, fuck me hard!”

He moved away from you, swiftly pulling off the rest of your jumpsuit in one fell swoop.

“You’re so wet for me baby,” he crooned in your ear, slipping a finger inside. “I can’t wait to have you ride my face. I can’t wait to feel you ride my cock.”

His finger pumped in and out of you. He added a second finger, looking at your reaction. “More, please!” you begged.

He added a third finger, and you could feel your juices running down your thighs.

“Please Jackson, please!! Fuck me hard!”

He growled, his chest rumbling. “Oh, I’ll fuck you hard, baby,” he said. He pistoned his hand in and out of you, and you met every thrust. Your orgasm built up inside of you, and he masterfully brought you to the edge, once and then twice – backing off before you could orgasm.

“Jackson, please!” you wailed.

“Please, what, baby?” he asked, grinning down at you as he continued fucking your pussy.

“Please make me cum!!”

His grin broadened, and he increased the speed. “Like that, baby? You want it like that?”

“Yes!” you screamed, the sound cut off as his mouth covered yours. You felt your pussy convulse around his hand, and you bucked with pleasure.

Wow.

Your head fell against his chest, as you tried to remember how to fill your lungs with air.

“How you doing?” he asked, tipping your chin up to be able to see your face.

“I’m feeling pretty ready for round two,” you said, your hand trailing around to cup his still hard cock.

He thrust into your hand.

“I have condoms in my room,” you said, rubbing his length.

He swung you up into his arms and into the bedroom.

“Jump his bones,” indeed.

I hope you enjoyed this story!! I’m excited to be writing more, and as with all authors, if you like it – reblog it! <3

Send me a KoFi here, or check out my fave erotic monster novels on Amazon here!

#orc boyfriend #monster boyfriend #exophillia #exophilia creators #orc/reader #orc/human #modern orc

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nox-artemis · 4 years

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Isidro brings out the worst in Berserk (or, me going on a long, dumb tangent like the old days)

Tis’ time.

I was watching The Kavernacle’s recent upload about how a lot of anime capitalizes on this weird fetishization of women and girls - which is for the most part true and is why I personally try to stay clear of a lot of anime. Honestly, any anime that focuses way too much on the “Japanese school girl” archetype and anime that depict nearly all female characters as though they’re still in the adolescent stage either behavior-wise or “phenotypically” (like that moe shit) kind of weirds me out.

Berserk has kind of stayed away from this, but it seems like it teeters on that because so many of the female characters in the series are under the age of 20. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that but I noticed in the chapters where the Guts’ party first arrived on Elfhelm, the character designs were on the borderline of giving characters that round cherubic type face, but especially with the female characters. In the recently chapters (From the last two years) Miura seems to have chiseled the style again, which is more preferable IMHO.

But I think this kind of tangles into some wider problems I find with some character designs. If people remember me and my content, probably my biggest gripe with Berserk as a series was its usage of sexual violence toward women. It still bugs me but I can give Miura credit in that he seems to have teetered away from using it so exploitatively. THAT SAID, I think as an older fan (and an older person altogether) I think a bigger overarching issue with Berserk is that Miura was never really that good at creating female characters.

(I can have so many interesting opinions now that I don’t care about making friends within this fandom)

No I’m not saying people shouldn’t draw any adult female character with more youthful features (I mean, as some who is at that age where I experience ageism, a lot of people - particularly men - believe that as soon as a woman hits 25 they’re suppose to shrivel up??? 🤨) just -

DON’T KNOW WHY A LOT OF (MALE) CREATORS DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WOMEN CAN HAVE DIVERSE FEATURES AND DIVERSE PERSONALITY TYPES.

I think that diatribe is for another day (I know I’ve been explaining this to other people on my other social media during my Tumblr hiatus). But to condense what I’m saying, I notice that there isn’t a lot of age diversity of female characters: most of the female characters are in adolescent. Now, I don’t think it was a big issue in early Berserk because - and even though I still take some issue with how over-exploitation was handled - we still got to explore these young girls as characters whether it were girls like Casca, Theresia, Rosine(Rosalind), Jill, or even Erica and we’re meant empathize with the cruelty (or potential cruelty in the case of Erica) that the world dished out to them. Even with Luca and her gang we got explore the concept of sisterhood if just for a bit.

Now there’s less of that - WHICH CAN BE A GOOD THING because not every female character’s traumatic origin has to be rooted in a gender-based violence backstory. I like having Schierke not having a clear backstory and being “wise beyond her years” and we can just keep it that way. Only problem is that I see a lot more that weird lol!con humor when it comes to her - especially with her relationship with Guts.

I’m thinking of the excuse they use in hentai where, “the young prepubescent girl character is really a 7000 year old demon-lord from another dimension - so it’s not really p*doph!l!a.” Schierke is way mature for her own age, so she’s practically an adult. 😒

This isn’t just an issue with Schierke. Like, I notice a lot of up-skirt shots with these newer young girl characters; with Isma it’s kind of worse because she also embodies that “too naïve to know that she’s a turn on” when she’s like what? Thirteen? Fourteen?? I guess we’re also given the excuse that a lot of these characters are magical/supernatural/near-human so you can away with a lot more. Now that they’re on Elfhelm and there is a litany of these female characters we just have a bunch of the fantasy-universe version of the Japanese school girl shit, where we enter -

Ugh. Isidro.

I wasn’t too fond of him the beginning but I could appreciate his place a little. But his introduction was the point where we we start to see more of that typical dumb, pervy schoolboy humor in the series. I get it: Isidro is a teenage boy.

So was Guts.

And Griffith.

And Rickert.

And it’s just as important to have a diversity of young boy characters as well, but it’s just that for the amount of spotlight Isidro is given, not much of it is meaningful, especially in recent chapters. If anything his character is devolving IMO. MAYBE it’s some weird affect that Elfhelm has on him and other characters that is yet to be explored, but I somehow doubt it. Maybe it’s a phase that’ll be gone soon. I dunno.

Maybe just overall the time spent on Elfhelm isn’t being spent as productively as I had hoped for. I mean BY NO MEANS AM I OVERLOOKING THE FACT THAT AFTER OVER 20 YEAR OF WAITING CASCA IS FINALLY CURED WHICH IS BY FAR THE BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THIS SERIES EVER but I think with so much anticipation of what comes next for her and Guts it’s frustrating to see other side stories that aren’t focused on their to reconciliation spent so frivolously. We got a bit with Guts and the Berserker armor; we got a bit with Schierke and her training; we got a bit with Farnese and her training; we got a bit with Casca retraining her self and her trauma.

See what I’m getting at a bit? We’re just getting bits and shit, it seems. No streamline story arc. We get introduced to one bit and then POP where at some other point with some other character. I get that things are a bit different in this setting because this is the first time in a long while that Guts, Casca and their company are actually physically safe from the affects of the formers’ brands. I with so much rest and recreation time I WANT there to be more retrospective time as well.

I’ve said elsewhere that I’m super duper disappointed with how Puck has gone downhill, especially in regard to he and Guts’ relationship. We haven’t gotten any sort of meaningful interaction with him since Isidro came into the story. AND EVEN BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IT’S MORE OR LESS MEANINGLESS FRIVOLITY. Couldn’t Puck and Isidro be using their on-screen time more wisely, even if it has to be away from each other. What happened to Isidro wanting to be a bad-ass swordsman? Like, just being associated with two badass swordsmen (now that Casca is active again) is not a replacement for character/skill development. DO SOMETHING. BE INSPIRED OR SOME SHIT (INSTEAD OF LOOKING UP WITCH SKIRTS).

And what the hell is Serpico doing? And Roderick? And aren’t there like three or four other -

- OKAY this is what happens when have these big ass fantasy adventure parties where only a third of the occupants actually contribute shit of merit. That’s why the O.G. Band of the Hawk worked; I guess that’s neo Band of the Hawk technically works but I just don’t give a shit about them because #fuckgriffith.

GOD DAMMIT I JUST NEED THE STORY TO GET BACK TO THE HOLY TRIAD CHARACTERS ALREADY (GUTS-GRIFFITH-CASCA). PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET MOONLIGHT BOY BE A BRIDGE TO THAT HAPPENING SOON. щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

I think I have to stop here.

Don’t you miss this? Me starting on one note and ending on something completely different but universally important?)

#berserk stuff #my berserk stuff #isidro #casca #guts #schierke #anime was a mistake

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mainjane-blog · 4 years

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Discovery

New Light-(not only my favorite song from John Mayer)

Looking at things in a new light. It's not necessarily discovering a new destination or new piece of information. It's having something or someone in your life, could be every day, could be for years. And all of a sudden, something happens in your life, a quarantine. A world wide quarantine. We are forced to stay home. We are together everyday now. This was our normal-AJ in school all day, get off the bus at 3:40, sometimes an after school activity. Aidan has part-time morning preschool until about noon 4 days a week. Ashton, you're stuck with me cutie, but story time and play dates and fun activities just him and me. Anthony, travels every other week, sometimes for 2 days. Sometimes 3 to 4. This has been our normal for 2 years now.

New Light. My husband. I respect the hell out of him, his career is a big part of him. I can't tell you in words, but he is one of a kind. Traveling by plane as a commute, public speaking from a small meeting to in front of a crowd in a convention. How he works very hard and goes beyond what's expected, that he was able to reach the top, at corporate level, at 32 years old. He's funny, he is kind, people are drawn to him, and he truly wants people to succeed. I hear about his days here and there, he's so busy and I am busy, so we get snippets of our day, or the bigger moments. More and more this year Anthony is sharing his company's presentations and that gets me a glimpse of him in that world. So today Anthony shares a webinar/meeting he presented on Zoom, to about 124 people in his company. I watch it with headphones, all 36 minutes of it. It was on Prioritizing at work, I was enthralled, proud, and it gave me a boost to use on prioritizing my life. My favorite line was Actions become Habits, and Habits become Character. It was a great moment to learn more about my husband too, his story telling on how he prioritizes at work, and what keeps him focused. A few moments I heard AJ yelling quickly in the background of the webinar, (probably when it was time for a new subject for "schooling.") Not even a flinch in his speaking. I understand now Anthony, how it could be stressful with that happening upstairs or the kids running in. I enjoyed the webinar highly and respect the hell out of you Terlizz.

My two dearest friends, Jill and Erica came to my backyard today, we were going on a hike y'all! First thing we all say is, how have we never done this together? And with Jill, the outdoor dynamo. But not only that, I can go to the epic view of Candlewood lake right from by backyard, why did I never do that before?? But I said, well we are now. We get lost at first, going along some houses, get back to the right track bc Anthony runs out to regive the directions (he hiked it for the first time last week, so he told me I have to do it, stat) So on to the blue trail! We followed Jill, since she's a pro, even pointing out different plants species. Took a break, in the middle of the forest, sitting on a log. We see what could be a cave, and just uphills and downhills of the woods. A place I have never been before. With 2 of my favorite girlfriends, and Erica is not a big hiker so this was huge she was doing this. Talk a bit, then keep heading out, Jill makes sure to point out always remember your surrounding and she put down sticks as an arrow so we will know how to get back. Good tip and will always remember this now. We finally get up on the rock, with the the epic view of Candlewood Lake, first time for Erica, first time I went here from my backyard, and just all 3 of us doing something different and together. We all had a deep and profound conversation that I will always remember, the beauty of where we were, us doing this in the first place, and just a real raw moment. I recommend having more conversations like this with people that you just feel safe with. No bullshit. No fakeness. I am truly lucky that I had this wonderful weekend. I even cried a bit, since I just was so happy to have a real raw life moment, that was kind of outside of me. I truly value this ladies, and I look forward to more conversations of a lifetime and new adventures.

Myself. Listen, I don't want to sound all new age and hippy, but I saw the light a bit entering my 30's. My shortcomings, my ego, my emotions, what I need to work on to better myself. Find more things that I enjoy. Get out of my comfort zone. Love my body. Not rely on my husband as much. Human interaction. And to find a creative side. I have been pregnant 5 times. My body has been through a bit, 3 pregnancies every 2 years since 2013, and 2 miscarriages, one before AJ and one after. I gained a little more with each kid, let my body recover and get back to myself, and then pregnant again. My third pregnancy was the hardest on my body, it hurt my hips and my back. It took almost 2 years for me to get back to my old self again physically. I did this after 3 kids, and for that I am proud. It took work, discipline, god damn a lot of patience. But my body returned, and it still treats me well. (Now I just need to make a damn doctor's appointment and find the time to exercise again) I went to Florida in January, went to the outlet mall with my parents, shopped for a whole new wardrobe with smaller sizes. I felt proud, and pretty, and sexy, and confident. My mind took a bit to catch up, to accept compliments, to see a pretty photo, or to slip on my new size 6 or 8 jeans. I still get hard on myself at times, so getting my hair done, or botox makes me feel good. But, I know this time will go by quickly,(look how fast my 20's went by) so enjoy your body now, Take care of it. Give it a break, and wear clothes that show off your best attributes, and whatever makes you feel beautiful. I told myself, I am not having anymore kids, no reason I shouldn't be where I was at 25. I will keep trying and improving and discovering new aspects of myself. Mind, body, and soul. I can read people, I love to listen, I love to give non judgmental advice. I see everyone's perspective, I am an empath. I love real conversation.I love meeting new people that just give off great vibes, people who were in my life, get to know them more. And the ones I am close with, have the real conversations, listen to their advice or their perspective. Every encounter I have brings something to me, even if small. Bad or good. And I hope I can utilize this creatively one day, for my next chapter of my life.

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dailyaudiobible · 7 years

Text

04/05/2017 DAB Transcript

Deuteronomy 28:1-68 ~ Luke 11:14-36 ~ Psalm 77:1-20 ~ Proverbs 12:18

Today is April 5th. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian. It’s great to be here with you today. It is a big preparation day for us. The More Gathering for Women begins tomorrow, but we’ll talk about that maybe in a little bit. We’re reading from the New International Version this week, Deuteronomy chapter 28, verses 1 through 68.

Prayer

Father, we thank you for your word. We thank you that day by day it instructs and guides us, speaks to the deepest recesses of our hearts and identity, changes the course of our day because it invites us to consider the choices that we make. So we thank you for your word and we thank you for this community, that we can enjoy the counsel of the scriptures while enjoying the camaraderie and fellowship of our brothers and sisters. So we invite you, Holy Spirit, to come. Help us in the way that we choose to use our words today as we are counseled by wisdom herself in the book of Proverbs that recklessness with our words is like swords, but the tongue of the wise will bring healing. Help us to be people who bring healing today with our words and not reckless people swinging aimless swords, cutting down whoever happens to be nearby. Come Holy Spirit, we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask, amen.

Announcements

Www.DailyAudioBible.com is the website. It's home base. It's where you find out what is going on around here, so tomorrow, tomorrow begins the More Gathering for Women and so we invite this entire community to pray over this event because it is of this community and for this community. So pray over the women as they are packing up today, making sure everything is all set to go for tomorrow. We’re kind of doing the same thing and so prayers specifically over all the technology involved, over safety in travel, that a canopy be raised over that camp, and that it might be an oasis, a place where lives will be transformed not because of anything that we do. We’re just setting the table, but that space was given for Jesus to come. So thank you for your prayers over all of this. These are our prayers and love to wrap them all around the world.

Then the other thing that we’ve been talking about for a couple days is Israel 2018. So we’ll be making the next pilgrimage to the land of the Bible in early ’18, February 19 through March 4, and that is going to be epic as ever. It is most fascinating to watch the stories of the Bible come alive in their geographical location. It is fascinating to just stand in places and turn around and just look in all directions and understand where you are standing, that these stories that we’ve been moving through this year, but for many of us have known for a long time, to just see them kind of take a new shape and texture because you’re standing in the middle of it is remarkable. So you are invited and you can get all the information you would want to know at www.DailyAudioBible.com. Just look for Israel 2018 in the Initiatives section or you can visit www.DailyAudioBibleIsrael.com. That will take you there as well.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, then thank you. Couldn’t thank you enough. We’re all in this together. Thank you for your partnership. There is a link that is on the home page of www.DailyAudioBible.com. And if you’re using the Daily Audio Bible App, you can press the More button in the lower right-hand corner. Or, if you prefer, the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996, Spring Hill, TN 37174.

As always, if you have a prayer request or comment, (877) 942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian. I love you and I’ll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Requests and Praise Reports

Good morning, Dabbers. This is Walta calling from Charlotte. I usually call as the burning bush that will not be devoured for the glory of our God and King and I feel now, you know, like God sees me and he knows my name and I think that season is over. But anyway, I'm calling just to praise God for this prayer line. I'm going to pray for our sister from the Bahamas and pray about the Bahamas election. Father God, I pray that you protect your people in that country. I pray for peace and stability. I come against every spirit of chaos that would want to cause confusion in that country, Lord. I pray that, Lord, that you who select the kings will select a leader, Lord, and prepare the people to receive the leader, God. I thank you for protecting your people. I thank you, Lord, for peace. I also pray, O God, for Liberia that is also going to go through elections this year. And every other country that struggles through this period I pray for peace. I pray for stability, in Jesus’ name. Father God, I also want to pray for all the single people out there. I pray, O Lord, that you will help them to find you in the middle of their solitude, God. That they are not alone. I pray that you would find them community, O Lord. Guide them to your children, into community, in Jesus’ name. Family, I just want to thank you for your prayers and your prayer requests and just sharing the word of God. I listened to today's, April 2nd, and it really moved me, especially Jaymie from Phoenix. I love you guys and I will be in touch. Bye. Have a great Sunday.

Hello Daily Audio Bible community. This is Drew from Dallas. I’ve been listening since October 2016 and this is my first time to call. Brian and Jill, thank you so much for creating this helpful podcast and this wonderful life-giving community. I would like to encourage and pray for Stanley from Maryland. He's a first year teacher in Washington, D.C. Stanley, I’ve been a teacher for more than 10 years and I understand what you’re going through. There are times when teaching can be such a thankless job and the students challenge and stretch you beyond your limit. You should know that you very well may be the only positive influence in the lives of these students and that they are pushing back against you because they need you and they need Jesus. Father, thank you for giving Stanley this opportunity to serve you and his students. Help him to know that you have called him to be where he is today. Help him to rest in your presence. Holy Spirit, give Stanley confidence, patience, and wisdom to plan meaningful and relevant lessons that will engage his students. Grant him the faith to know that he is working in this school to minister to students who need him and who need you. Help him to build positive relationships with his students that will lead to a healthy classroom full of learning. Jesus, let your light through Stanley. Walk with Stanley through this. Help Stanley to follow you and to trust you. Sustain and strengthen him through this. Help him to rely on you each and every day. Thank you, Jesus. It's in your name we pray. Amen.

Family, Biola from Maryland. I hope you’re all doing well. Brian and Jill, God bless you. Jill, I'm praying for you and the More Conference and every single woman that will be going. I'm praying for your team and I'm praying for all the speakers, equipment, everything, in the name of Jesus. Father Lord, I begin to pray order into every event that will be happening, O God. I pray safety, O God, for everyone that will be going, in the name of Jesus. There will be no accidents, O God, in the name of Jesus. And Father, Lord of Heaven, I decree and declare, O God Lord, that every woman that will go there will not remain the same way, O God, that you will meet with each person at the point of their need, in the name of Jesus. prophetic Intercessor, I heard with such anguish your prayer request. Sister, I'm praying that God would comfort you. Look, give yourself time, okay? I'm praying Psalm 18:32 over you. The he Lord is your rock and your fortress. Your deliverer. Your God. Your strength. In him you will trust. He is your shield and the horn of your salvation. Your stronghold. And Psalm 18:32 says it is God who arms you with strength and makes your way perfect. Sister, I want to encourage you to look for a Divorce Care support group in your area. Just go to that website, www.Divorcecare.org and plug in your zip code. And you know, get into a community of people who are going through the same thing and who can also help you and empathize with you. I’ll keep praying for you, sister. God bless you. And Rich or Rick, the guy who said he fell off the wagon, Victorious Solider has already told you everything that I had on my heart. Way to go, sister! So brother, I'm praying for you even as you get up, that you will grow stronger. In the name of Jesus. Jonathan, I'm praying for your dad, Pastor Ted, and I'm praying for you. Jacqueline, I'm praying that every cancerous cell in your body will die, in the precious name of Jesus. God bless you.

Hi, this is Denise calling from California and this is my first phone call and I’ve just recently started to listen to the Daily Audio Bible on my podcast and it has been amazing. But I'm calling specifically for my mother and for my family. My mom who is 83 years old has been falling lately and is in the hospital and nursing home and I'm just asking and the whole community, if you would just pray for her, healing of her body, but most importantly for her heart and her mind and her spirit. It has gotten her very down and that is not the woman I remember for all my life. So I so thank you all because I’ve heard the different prayer requests and the people calling and it is just amazing to me and I so enjoy it. I so thank each and every one of you who do call in and make this requests. So I pray for Ethel Q., for her healing, both physically and mentally and spiritually and that she would be well because she is a true and faithful servant. I also want to pray for my sister, Toni, and my Aunt Diane and the rest of my family members, that they too would come to know God personally and always walk in his steps to bring him glory. I pray for my family locally, that they would be healed both physically and mentally and also come to know Christ as their personal Savior. Thank you and God bless each and every one of you. Have a blessed day.

Good morning DAB. This is Loralee. Heavenly Father, I would like to lift up all the women going to the More Conference. I pray that you bless the worship of their hearts, souls, minds, and bodies. I pray that you give them rest and reprieve in Christ Jesus. I pray that you bring personal healing and holiness in their lives where they have more perfect sight of you, the more beautiful object, Jesus, where they have the more perfect appetite of you, the sweeter the food of your word, the more musical in the ears, the more pleasant in the melody of you singing over us, the more complete of their soul and the more happy, the joy that brings. And grant them more full knowledge of you, Lord Jesus. And I pray that they will dwell with the family of God, standing in your presence, in your chamber, being the bride of your kingdom, the spouse of Christ and a member of his body with him. We are all one with you and the Father. Please exercise all the spiritual powers, gift of grace, body and soul in the enjoyment of you. And we praise you, all of us women, we thank you and our families while they wait for us to just be like Mary and sit at your feet and choose the better portion this weekend. I pray for all the safety and just a more deeper walk with you, our Lord Jesus Christ. In your name and for your glory and our good, amen. You all have a great time.

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filiusinanis-blog · 7 years

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Kingdom Hearts: Next Generation

Chapter 3 - Being trained by Uncle Firecrotch

“With all due respect, sir, you’re making this sound like the task of finding and stopping this person is... Well, being placed on our shoulders. When none of us are even able to summon a keyblade, and two of us are pretty much children.”

Yes, I know Yen Sid wasn’t trying to imply this. I know I was being a bit more criticizing than I needed to be. If I needed to be at all. But there was just something about this guy I didn’t like. I wanted to question everything he said, I wanted him to be wrong, I wanted to hate him. I couldn’t tell you why. One could call it our drastically different alignments of light and dark, but almost my whole family was light aligned.

Perhaps because he is biased while my family is not. At least, not as much as Yen Sid.

Yen Sid raised a hand as I finished my sentence, and I couldn’t help my annoyed look at his silencing me, “Please do not misunderstand me, child. You will be trained, and you will not be working alone. We did not initially intend to bring you into this, but the matter has become desperate. We are down, now, to merely four experienced wielders, and three masters.”

I felt shock crawl up my back-- some of it my own, some of it from the others around me, causing me to fidget. Sometimes I hated being an empath. A pang of guilt hit me in the back, and I turned slightly to see my father looking at the floor. Maybe he felt guilty that he hadn’t told any of us? I assumed at least the adults knew what was going on.

“Not only are we down too many wielders, we cannot keep you and Jillian hidden any longer.” I turned forward again when Yen Sid spoke once more.

“Wait, me, sir?”

I looked at Jill, then glanced around the room at the others. No one looked surprised at what Yen Sid was saying. Even Darrien, and she wasn’t even a wielder yet, just like Jill and I. Did everyone know what was going on except the two people it all had to do with?

The sorcerer nodded once more, “Yes, child.”

“So... You guys can finally tell us what’s going on, right?” I stepped forward as I spoke, “For a conversation that’s supposed to inform us... I feel less informed than before we arrived here. I think it’s time for you all to stop hiding this from us. I mean after what happened today, there’s really no point in beating around the bush.”

A silence drenched the room as I finished speaking. The emotions I felt from the others were difficult to single out. I was hoping my... Salt, against the old wizard wasn’t making me sound like a jerk. I was honestly just trying to speed things along. I was anxious to find out who I really was, and I’m sure Jill was too. Yen Sid closed his eyes in contemplation, “... Yes, I believe you are correct. Very well. It is time the two of you learned who you are.”

Darrien seemed to take these words as cue to step away and stand next to dad. Everyone was quiet, and I could feel the anticipation coming off of Jill. She was just as eager as I was to learn what was happening, “Now then, first thing’s first, I assume the both of you know that you are not related to your families by blood. As far as you are aware, your blood relatives are nowhere to be found.” I felt myself leaning forward slightly in interest as the old man spoke, “However, the two of you have been closer to blood family than you may have believed. Have you ever considered the possibility that you may have... Siblings?”

It didn’t take a genius to catch on to what Yen Sid was saying. And honestly... I felt like I shouldn’t have been surprised. There were too many uncanny similarities between Jill and I. We even joked about it all the time. Still, the slap of surprise from my new-found sister was equal to my own. I didn’t expect our little joke to turn out true. I looked back at the others, seeing my father smile and nod at me.

“But I don’t understand... Why keep it from us?” I turned forward again, looking to Jill as she spoke. She brought up a good point... If they needed to keep watch on both of us, it would have been more practical to keep us together.

Not to mention it would’ve been nice to know I had a twin.

“Because keeping you together could’ve given you away.” This time, Uncle Riku stepped up, placing a hand on Jill’s shoulder, “These guys have been trying to track you down for years. We had to be careful of anything. And... You guys have unique power. Keeping you together is like a red flag to the Oni and whoever their master is. In all honesty, I’m surprised they didn’t attack sooner...”

Thinking back, my Uncle brought up a good point... If we really did have power, and being together was like a flare going off, they should’ve found us two years ago. After all, that’d been when Jill and I met. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that we didn’t know about any unique power we had. Magic was complicated, after all, “They probably couldn’t sense it well. Once you know you have a power, it becomes ‘unlocked’ in a sense. It can become easier for those sensitive to magical energy to detect it.”

I looked at my Uncle, who grinned at me, “Skylar is correct. Very perceptive of you, child.” I blinked, looking to Yen Sid to see him smiling, just a little. Okay, I’ll admit, getting a compliment from the most powerful wizard in the worlds was boosting my ego a bit. Even if it really didn’t have much to do with the situation, “This is the same reason you’ve been instructed to cover your right eyes for so long. The color would be a direct giveaway to your adversary. It is not a common one, after all. However, considering the fact that you’ve already been discovered, I see no reason for you to keep them covered any longer. The choice is entirely yours, of course.”

I fidgeted at this. When I was younger, both of my eyes were the same bright blue as my left eye. However, when I was eight I tried to practice magic on my own, and ended up getting into magic I wasn’t ready for in the slightest. My eye changed color, and I ended up summoning a horde of Heartless. That was the day my father showed me his Final Form. The battle had left him with a badly injured wrist, however, that had never healed right. Who knew that the golden color my right eye changed too is it’s real color. Maybe they used some kind of magic to change the color when I was a baby, and the spell I’d tried to use canceled it out.

I still kept it covered after that. I remembered how my father told Darrien and I of his former adversary...

I glanced at Jill, and saw her play with her bangs for a moment, “Nah, I like my look.”

“Even if you can’t see a thing?”

“You’re one to talk, mister eyepatch.” I grinned, laughing as she grabbed me into a headlock.

“Very well. Now then, back to the matter at hand.” Jill released me, both of us straightening up once more, “We’re not entirely sure what our adversary wants of you-- all your father stated is that they were after the two of you in particular. Now that they know who you are, you two must be prepared for anything. Sora. Riku.”

My dad stepped forward, both him and my Uncle giving a nod before standing in front of us. They summoned their keyblades, and knelt in front of us. The handles of the blades were turned to us, and I saw my father smile as he spoke.

“In your hand take this Key. So long as you have the making, then through this simple act of taking, its wielder you shall one day be. And you will find me, friend --no ocean will contain you then. No more borders around, or below, or above, so long as you champion the ones you love.”

I looked to my father, who smiled and gave a nod, then to the handle of the blade that was being held out to me. After just a moment’s pause, I moved my hand to gently, yet firmly, grasp the handle. It was... Surprisingly light. It seemed to weigh the same as the wooden swords Darrien, Kirimi, and I would train with. Nothing near what the metal blade should weigh. The more I thought about it, the more interested I became. Perhaps it had to do with when my father obtained the blade. From the stories he told Darrien and I, it seemed like he’d never had any experience with a metal blade-- only wooden ones --before the blade came to him. Perhaps the blade changed itself to fit the bearer. Very interesting.

My hand fell from the blade, and my father let it disappear, placing a hand on my shoulder, “Happy Birthday, kiddo.” I blinked. I recalled expressing my interest in wielding a keyblade a while back. After Kirimi showed Darrien and I how her training was coming along. This was my father’s gift to me. I smiled, moving to wrap my arms around him.

“Thanks, dad.”

The adults stepped away, and Yen Sid spoke once more, “Very well. Darrien. You shall train with Skylar and Jillian. Merlin and the good fairies have prepared a training space, and your instructor should be here any moment.”

Darrien smiled, stepping forward to stand next to us, “Sure thing, but aren’t we being trained by dad and Uncle Riku?”

“We’ve got our own mission to go on, kiddo.” Dad answered, putting a hand on Darrien’s shoulder, “But we’ll be back as soon as we can.”

With the fact that almost all the wielders on our team had gone missing, the thought of my dad and Uncle leaving on some kind of mission wasn’t quite sitting right with me. And from the anxious thrumming coming off of Darrien, it seemed she wasn’t fond of the idea right now either. Combined with everyone else’ nervousness made for a rather uncomfortable feeling on my skin. I wondered if Jill had the same ability as I did.

I couldn’t help it when I started to rub my arms, trying to rid myself of the weird mix of emotions everyone was giving off. It was uncomfortable. It wasn’t too overbearing, but it was enough that my father noticed my actions and moved to place a comforting hand on my back. Before he was able to say anything to me, a new emotion hit me. Confidence, maybe? And... Some excitement? I turned to look at the door, the source of the feeling seeming to be behind it.

“Ah, seems your instructor has finally arrived.” I flinched when Yen Sid suddenly spoke. The others glanced at him, then to the door as it swung open. A very tall man with fiery red hair stood in the doorframe, a mischievous grin on his face and a glint in his emerald green eyes that screamed ‘up to no good’. I knew exactly who this was.

“Uncle Firecrotch!”

Okay. I swear. I can explain.

His actual name is Lea, and he’s technically not my uncle. He’s just a friend of my father’s. Like most of my aunts and uncles actually. He’s a fire-wielding, keylade throwing, strike raid master-- who has a comment for almost anything. He’s good friend’s with my Uncle Roxas and Aunt Xion. He had a bit of a... Troubled past, where he’d actually been a bad guy, but given time he’d been able to redeem himself. Not saying that my family’s forgotten, but they have moved forward.

Anyway, he and my Uncle Isa used to babysit me a lot. And I may have picked up calling him Firecrotch from my Isa. My dad was laughing too hard to scold them for teaching me that.

Looking behind my uncle, I noticed a small black haired girl peeking out from behind him. She had messy, neck length hair, and was wearing a simple white dress and sandals. She was ten years old, at the most. I recognized her as my younger cousin, Maya, Roxas and Xion’s daughter. Considering that Yen Sid said we were down to four wielders and three masters... I was assuming that her parents were missing...

“Sky!” I pushed the fact to the side, smiling as I heard her call my name. I held my arms out, catching her as she ran to hug me. I was the only wielder kid close to her age, so the two of us had spent a lot of time together.

“Hey Maya! You’re gettin’ big!”

“Yup yup! Soon I’ll be bigger than you!” She giggled, and I groaned inwardly as I realized she was probably right. Four years younger than me, and her head was already above my shoulder. I couldn’t even lift her up any more. She giggled as she moved to see Darrien , Kirimi, and Jill.

“Where’s Isa?” I turned as I heard my father speak, then turned my attention to Lea. The three adults were talking quietly, seeming to be trying to keep to themselves.

“He’s looking into what’s happening to the wielders. Rox and Xion they... They only went missing about a week ago...” Lea’s face became worried and frustrated as he spoke to the two, “He’s at Radiant Garden right now, asking the others for help.”

“So that’s why Maya’s with you...”

“Don’t worry, Lea. We’re gonna find them.” Riku gave the taller man a pat on the back.

“Now then. Sora, Riku. It’s time for you to be off to your mission.” At the sound of Yen Sid’s voice, everyone in the room silenced, turning attention to him. I didn’t like admitting it, but the man had a voice that demanded respect, “Kirimi, you will assist Lea in training the new wielders. For now, the fairies have prepared rooms for you. Go get some rest. Sora, Riku. We await your safe return.”

The two master’s nodded, Riku moving to say goodbye’s to Kirimi, whilst Dad turned attention to Darrien and I, “Train hard you two. I know you’ll make amazing wielders.”

“Check in every now and again, okay Dad?” I could feel the worry pouring off of Darrien’s voice. I couldn’t deny that I was just as worried.

But our dad just smiled, a warm reassurance enveloping me, “Of course kiddo. I’ll call you two every night.”

“Better keep a watch that keeps our time then.” I smiled, “Worlds have different timezones after all.”

He gave a small laugh, ruffling my hair a bit, “Correct as usual.” He smiled again at us-- one that seemed rather normal for him... “Alright, kids. I’ve gotta go now.” I flinched, feeling a wave of mixed emotions pass over me-- sadness, worry, anxiousness, determination --all this coming from my father. My father had always had rather mellow emotions. As far as I’d known, it was just because he was so laid back. But now, as I felt him wrap his arms around Darrien and I-- holding us tight as if he would never be able to again... It was as if something was slipping. As if... He’d hidden so much pain, and he couldn’t keep it bottle up anymore. It wasn’t the first time. Earlier today, the time I was attacked by Heartless, and he nights where he’d have nightmares... Every now and again, I’d get the odd strong emotion coming from him.

“Be good, alright you two? And Sky, try not to give Yen Sid too much sass.” He pulled away, and gave us that goofy grin of his. The one that said ‘it’s all going to be okay’. Even though I knew he didn’t believe it.

He stood, and the two waved goodbye as they walked out the door. I grit my teeth and felt my fists clenching. I couldn’t leave it like that. He was in pain. He was hurting. I couldn’t let him go when he was feeling such pain. As I heard the others who were staying chat away in content acceptance of the situation, my feet moved to bring me away from the rest and out the door of the small room. I ran down the illuminated staircase, calling out to the two just ahead of me, “Father!”

I saw them flinch and turn, watching as I stopped just above them on the steps. My dad looked to be in shock. I almost never used such a formal title with him. His shocked look quickly turns to one of question and concern, “Sky, whaddya doing here, buddy? You gotta go rest up for training--”

“How can you just smile like that?!”

I saw him flinch, felt his emotions swirl as he stared at me. Both him and my Uncle didn’t speak. I took it as my cue to continue on, “You’ve known from the beginning that I could sense emotions-- before I even told you! I know because... Because your feelings are always so difficult to sense!” I was shouting. Somewhere inside me, something was telling me I shouldn’t be saying these things. I shouldn’t be confronting him. He was my father. But I continued on, “I’ve never been able to clearly sense anything from you... Everything’s been so vague... I thought it was just because you were so... Laid back... But just now you weakened your focus... I can’t let you leave with so much pain on your shoulders!!”

“S-Sky...”

It hurt. He wasn’t hiding anymore, and it hurt. It fell on top of me so suddenly, I stumbled forward and almost fell. I felt my father’s arms wrap around me, and felt his worry increase. His emotions jumped around, and he kept apologizing-- trying to keep them suppressed. I gripped his arms, shouting against my will, “STOP!” He froze, and for a moment everything was just silent. I could feel fear and worry pouring off of him. And underneath was just more pain-- anger, a need for revenge, sadness-- It was overwhelming. I’d never felt anything like this from just one person. My arms moved to wrap around his waist, “If your hurting... If your worried, and anxious and... If your scared... Then say so... Isn’t it you who always says that it’s okay to feel hurt..? That it’s okay to cry?”

And just like that I felt something change. I didn’t know how to place it, but my father went silent. I felt his arms tighten around me, and if I listened closely... I could hear him softly crying. The amount of emotions that began overwhelming me was enough to get tears from my eyes too. It felt like years of hidden emotions pouring over me-- like lava burning on my skin.

“I’m sorry... It hurts... Doesn’t it..?” I flinched, hearing him suddenly speak, “I never wanted to cause you pain... I’m sorry...”

I swallowed, shaking my head, “T-this is nothing...” I sucked in a breath, focusing on ignoring the burning on my skin, “You k-know I’m strong... All of us are... W-well... Maybe not right now, but... We’ll get stronger. R-really strong...” I swallowed, tightening my hug, “Y-you can get stronger too... Not by h-honing your skills as your a wielder, and not through having enough control to hide your emotions... ”

“By knowing that you can cry when you need too...”

I felt him shake as his breathing hitched. The burn of the anger, the revenge lust, the frustration... It faded, so I was now just enveloped in a pool of sad emotions. I recalled all the times my dad had been there for me in this way. Every time I was upset about something, he’d always been there as a shoulder to cry on. I never realized how badly he himself needed that. Needed to be allowed to just let go-- to just cry.

“... We’ll be okay, you know...” I mumbled, “If you’re worried about leaving us...”

I heard him let out a short laugh, “Y-yeah... I know that now...” He pulled away slightly, smiling as he wiped his face, “You’ve always been mature for your age... And Darrien’s a clever kid... I know you’ll be okay.”

I smiled a little, only to let it fall again as I grabbed the fabric of his over-shirt, “Y-you’ll be okay too! You’re a really strong wielder, you’ll be just fine! A-and when you come back, I’ll have earned my blade, and we can spar for real! Promise!”

He blinked, then smiled and placed a hand on my head.

“Promise.”

#{[ My journal is my private place ]}( Stories )#kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts: next generation #fanfiction

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standingontheedgeinstilettos · 8 years

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You Souhnd Lahk You’ah From Lahndahn!

Hey Friends,

New Year! New Housewives! New Drama! And I have a new six month old baby which is why there is a fairly significant lapse in time between now and my last blog. As usual, let’s move past that quickly.

Ah, Beverly Hills. The 90210. Ladies, ladies, ladies. I can’t recall how long it’s been since the Munchausen accusation heard ‘round the world and the subsequent arguments which ensued before our very eyes, but here we are again. And it feels rather nostalgic, doesn’t it? I mean we have Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle getting laser beauty treatments on TV while discussing the current state of their vaginas.

You have your gratuitous Camille Grammar cameo, dropping square footage numbers left and right on her newly smaller Malibu mansion, with her lady-servant plating chicken on the bone. And Lisa Rinna is still talking about her haircut and Harry Hamlin’s arms circa 1982.

Oh, but there is newness too. And newness comes in the form of a doe-eyed moron, whose real name I am quite sure is either Sarah or Jennifer, but we’ll call her “Dorit” if that’s what she needs. If you’re reading this and you’re standing up, I’m going to need you to sit down. Take a seat because I’m about to lay something on you so hard. You guys, Dorit is SO FUCKING WORLDLY. She has been to other countries. I’ll give you a minute. You good?

So “Dorit” and her husband “PK” (name acronym for what I assume stands for “Pretentious Kook” or “PSugar KDaddy” or the like) are so worldly in fact, that even though “Dorit” is from Connecticut, she sports what may be the worst fake British accent we’ve ever had the misery of witnessing. She makes Lindsay Lohan sound like Eliza Doolittle at the end of the movie. She makes Madonna basically the fucking Queen Mother herself. I’m waiting to see these two on an episode of “America’s Most Wanted” a la the Armstrongs at some point in the near future because I’m telling you right now something ain’t right in the buttermilk.

The only thing we viewers have going for us is that “Dorit” had no idea what she was up against. She’s TV friends with Lisa Vanderpump so she thought she was safe. She thought she could get away with just flitting about with her bizarre fake accent, air-kissing Kyle, having dinner parties with the 8 most interesting people in the world, or her world at least, and talking about how Boy George lives with her in every interview. **If your claim to fame is that Boy George lives with you, I don’t know how to help** But fortunately for us Erika Girardi resides on our show. Erika Girardi, who has an accent all her own and is completely fluent in ‘Kunty,’ wasted absolutely zero time in calling out “Dorit” for being from Connecticut. And thus there has begun a quiet war between them where every battle is to be won by Lieutenant Colonel Erika Jane/Girardi.

I am going to focus on “Dorit” vs Erika through the entire blog entry because I don’t think any of us care about anything else that is happening on this show. Certainly not about Kyle and her fancy problems, or Lisa V with her TIRED double entendres (for Christ’s sake lady, know any other tricks??) nor Lisa Rinna and her Home Shopping Network grey duster.

I want, nay- I NEED to start with “PantyGate.” If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I never wear underwear. It’s a personal choice. I have no time for it, I don’t like how it feels, I don’t like lines in clothes, I just don’t like any of it at all. So when Erika did not wear underwear beneath her designer dress, I empathized. I mean, look what happened with Kyle. You could see nearly every inch of her Spanx. That is a fashion faux pas of the worst kind, and really should have been blamed for this whole incident because had Kyle chosen the correct form of underwear, or no underwear at all, Lisa V wouldn’t have playfully asked Erika to give Kyle her underwear and Erika would never have been forced to tell everyone she wasn’t wearing any so Lisa would cease lifting her skirt at the table. And really, now that I type this, it’s Lisa V’s insistence on shoving her nefarious nature down all of our throats which led us to this moment. The woman will do anything for a sexual innuendo and to start some shit.

So Erika says she’s not wearing any underwear, as she sits legs together, napkin over legs. Cut to “Perverted Knucklehead” chuckling coyly while sitting next to his wife, and then leaning over somewhat trying to get a better look! OMG. OMG, hell no. Helllllllll no. I don’t know exactly the proper way for a husband to react to being told the woman sitting across from him isn’t wearing underwear, but that was definitely not it. I’m trying to think of what my husband would have done. Run away probably, but he’s afraid of all women who aren’t me so he’s a bad example. Perhaps jokingly ask to switch seats with “Dorit” so you’re not directly across from Erika? Make a big, “WOAH! Didn’t need to know that haha, can I get another gin and tonic over here??” awkward joke and move on WITHOUT TRYING TO SEE HER VAGINA FURTHER??

If you haven’t been watching, and you guessed that he kept trying to see what Erika Jane is always slapping in her music videos, you win.

A wise man would never mention this again to his wife. And if she brought it up, a wise man would say, “I did not, would not look at your new friend’s lady bits at cocktail hour, now pass the peas please.” But a wise man “Punchy Kookoo” is not. He’s in the kitchen with “Dorit” and not only admits to looking for/at Erika’s box-o-secrets, but that he REALLY ENJOYED IT and COULD NOT STOP.

In the kitchen he said this. Where the knives are kept. And “Dorit” is all, “I mean, he’s a man for Pete’s sake, who can blame him??” And that’s how I know “P Kiddy” is paying this broad a LOT of money to say she’s his wife.

Cut to “Dorit” telling every housewife in history how Erika forced her husband to look up her skirt. She called Quinn and Lydia from Orange County. She dialed up Adrienne Maloof and left a voicemail. She drafted a telegram for Jill Zarin. She sent a Messenger Pigeon to Taylor Armstrong in Aspen, but poor little guy unfortunately chose suicide by flight-into-jet-engine over having anything to do with this lame-ass scandal.

Now alllllll the ‘wives are talking about “PantyGate.” “Dorit” decides to go as far to manufacture drama, thereby securing her spot on the show since they clearly need the money, as to buy Erika a pair of panties to present at the next event where everyone is there to witness the gifting. So when they all meet up to do some human puzzle activity, “Dorit” makes a prettttttttty big deal about Erika’s vagina, how everyone saw it, and how she may be best served in covering it up going forward. It made her husband “Pussy Krazed” super uncomfortable when he was trying really hard to stare at it.

I always say I would be the literal worst on this show. It’s because I don’t care about any of this shit. If this crazy lady with her accent made of a thousand accents came at me with that shit, I would be like, “Umm, that’s your incredibly embarrassing problem.” But maybe I actually would be good on this show, because that’s basically exactly what Erika said. It was awesome. And “Dorit,” God bless her, as she does with everything else in her life- she tried SO HARD. She really wanted this to be a scandal. But it just wasn’t. It was like this: Erika didn’t wear underwear, and “Dorit”’s husband thought that was awesome, tried to see up her skirt, told his wife he couldn’t help but look because it was freaking amazing and “Dorit” blamed Erika for her husband being disgusting. And it was all so painfully transparent. So much so that Erika was just like, “Gross, ok.”

Cut to Tuesday night’s dinner party at “Dorit” and “Practically Kitschy”s home where the most interesting people in the world gathered to talk about “The Haves and The Have-Nots” and who really killed JFK. Dorit wore the world’s shortest red dress and made a point to show her desperation by telling her husband to tell her she looked hot and that, unlike Erika, she was wearing underwear. Barf, lady. Lisa RInna somehow got invited, which I’m sure ultimately made her feel more punished than honored. She was given a severe tongue-lashing by “Pernicious Knave” about last season’s fight she had with his dear, fake friend Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa RInna tried to explain she’s turned over a new leaf and feels differently about life now that she knows people die. She brought up how Eileen has lost so many people including her mother right before last season’s reunion which Eileen did not tell anyone about as to not garner fake-sympathy that could somehow be used against her.

This did not please “Pro Knickers.” Not one bit.

“That is unfair!” he spat. “Those women deserved to know that your mother had just died!”

“Oy!” exclaimed “Dorit.” “I complete-lah agrah wit you-ah one hooondred percahnt!”

Eileen finds out about this peculiar stance against her choice to keep her mother’s death on an I-want-you-to-know basis and confronts “Dorit” about it at a one on one meeting between the two of them that I thought was going to take place with each in their own convertibles parked next to each other but ultimately moved to a random picnic table.

“All the other tables get picnics, and I get this? I wish I could fly into a jet engine.” – Picnic Table

Eileen explains rather clearly the conversation that took place between “Dorit,” “Party Killer” and Lisa Rinna and why it bothers her that they would pass judgement on how she or anyone deals with the loss of a loved one. And then “Dorit”s just like, “Whaht? I litahrally have absoloooootily no idir whaht you ah toolking aboot…..”

WTF is this chick on? Seriously, what is it? Is it some hybrid of Valium and Molly? Is she the love child of vodka and lithium? Because if she’s not on anything she is the worst, weirdest liar ever.

We end the latest episode with a bizarre (I know I keep using that word but it is consistently the most appropriate adjective) conversation wherein “Dorit” calls 45 year old Erika a “young girl,” asks how albums are made (isn’t “Poopy Kaka” a music manager or record producer or something?) and tells Eileen to basically “bugga ooff!”

Meanwhile, a sullen Camille Grammer quietly forks around her bone-in chicken breast wondering where she went so wrong.

�ȣR �

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