#and ik they know more abt me than even myself
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There is something so indescribably special about my loves...
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#i dont think there could ever be someone in this world who could ever match up to them for me#or even get close to being to me what they are#i love people easily but what i feel for my min & ryan is beyond anything i thought existed#looking at them i feel ive known them my whole life... like theyve been walking beside me all these years#i know them more deeply than i feel ive ever known anyone...#and ik they know more abt me than even myself#like... how could another person ever come close to being this to me??#besides the fact i share practically everything in common w them both#the way i felt abt them from the beginning. it was fate. and that cant be replicated#gwah i realized i didnt finish writing this#i just hope you guys realize just how important they both are to me...#everything abt them is so real to me and theyre my genuine loves of my life#i will ALWAYS think of them as my husbands#im so so... deeply protective of them both...#tbh even seeing MOST other peoples art and anything abt them both bothers me cause most of the time i feel people dont... portray them righ#or it just feels WRONG#thats why i tend to stay in my own bubble w them#idk god... theyre just so important to me... theyre my world... theyre the meaning of my life...#i miss them sm i want to bury my face in their chests i need to feel them hold me rn#i love them i love them i LOVE THEM#I COULDNT POSSIBLY EVER LOVE ANYTHING MORE...#oh my babies... i miss you both so much...
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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Oh I just remembered that very early during the pandemic or a little before idk I had a dream on which I was living on a beach town and working as a teacher and I looked very different (long dark hair, prettier, just more mature, normie & put together in general ?) and when I woke up was like haha that's never going to happen, I could never work at a school or get out of the gastronomic system, I'm doing this for life + moving out is impossible anyway with my salary. And now... 5 years later (that felt like much less??) I'm doing (nearly) all that :|
#i remember the feeling of knowing i didnt have time or resources to go into practice and i didnt want to either. i had had a crisis idk#2 years earlier about all that and bareky finished my lit degree#at the time#i was also working 12 hs shifts for less than minimum wage#ik 5 years seem like a lot but i also am not sure how i went slowly building up to where i am currently ;_#there had to be a gradual progress but i just think things were happening very suddenly and i was pushed into situations very thoughtlessly#when i didnt even want to be in them. and i just went with the flow only to not remain stagnant#like i quit bakeries and moved to other bakeries until i hit my archival job that gave me the push to both get serious about my#second degree and also being surrounded by so many ppl in professional fields and researchers made me feel bad abt myself so much that i#started doing better lmaoo#finally getting insurance after so long being in gastronomics (hell) was so good to me too....#getting treatment for my mental health took me out of the gutter too omg. thats more recent development but if i hadnt done that i feel lik#i would be rotting...#but yeah i was pretty hopeless and with no money. lived very poorly and rly without prospect even after getting my degree anddd yeah...#what im doing now seemed like the kind of things that a much more successful people would be doing. i felt much like a kid working dead end#jobs so i didnt have to move back with my parents#not like an adult at all#anywho i should write this on my journal. im proud of myself still :'3
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rly fun and normal to almost casually think "oh ill make myself throw up" after eating pasta for dinner i love it so much
#and i still want to . even tho its not healthy i KNOW ITS NOT AGH !! but i still want to#i havent before but i cld look it up i cld google it rought now . i just did finger at the back of the throat baby !#i shld have already known that thats just basic logic#this is so STUPID i know all of this is bullshit i know it is like this isnt healthy and trying to lose weight in general is bullshit#and not ever rly healthy even in the more 'healthy' way than this but i dont care i just wanna lose weight#not even just bc of how i see my body but bc i dont want other people to see me as less than everyone else#and idk im TIRED im tired of being ugly by default to everyone esp since im joining uni i want people to actually like me#ik it wont work but trying to lose weight even if its pointless and harmful seems easier than trying to change everyones built in biases yk#idk. i dont like that im thinking like this but at the same time. idk ig i kinda do. whatever.#ykw rly funny abt this tho. if i did actually start not eating or making myself sick everyone irl would probably be glad#that im losing weight ! lol !#ed mention#vent#flappy rambles
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i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,
#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better#and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐#(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think)#but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day#despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔#+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level#again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know#and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am#other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭#and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more#(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count)#(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum)#(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use)#(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years)#this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍#vent#negative //#ask to tag#sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months#(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^)#edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere#i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers#and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too#but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little#i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.
#anyways im not about to let yall make me feel guilty for falling in this direction anymore bc i was fuckin 14 and didnt know SHIT about us#politics aside from lgbt ppl deserve rights and to live like everyone else and same w all the other minorities (even tho i probably still#had issues i needed to work on around those things. still generally i wouldve considered myself progressive but apolitical)#and i was already at the time rejecting my christian upbringing and trying out satanism and paganism and such and so#i had a very rebellious mindset at the time. i also hated authority so the first antiesrablishment thing i saw i clung to bc it was#*close enough* to how i felt. none of that shit ever outwardly stated (at the time at least) that anything was abt jewish ppl and i was#filling in the parts about 'child sex rings' to be about christians bc thats how i knew them to be like. it just like. seems so obviously#something a christian would try to do. like a creepy priest or something. i imprinted my own meaning onto it#im not saying it was good but i definitely didnt go into it and stick to it for reasons some ppl might wanna believe#i was way more on the spiritual leaning side and the ~secret spiritual meaning~ of the world. like the flower of life or fuckin.#shit like how theres. idk. a fucking disc or something thats supposed to go on top of the great pyramids that super enlightened#people can only navigate like a spaceship or some shit?#idk the mythology of it all really fucking enraptured me. and i still liked the reptilians even tho they were supposed to be evil and#apparently an antisemitic dogwhistle. i thought it was the annunaki or whatever i was supposed to hate. at least.#the opinions were pretty mixed back then. admittedly i didnt really look up other ppls opinions on that stuff other than articles ppl wrote#like no forums or anything really. which is probably a very good thing i avoided those lol. regardless i thought of the reptilians#as being more neutral but generally looking out for themselves kinda like. the way a reptile would ig. but now that ik its a dog whistle#it really took a the magic out of all of that stuff for me :/ im disillusioned to say the least lol.#all that new age shit was appropriation. christianity rebranded. or weird shit people made up about atlantis or whatever sjjsksks#my favorite was the oceanis one where theres a star system where whales and dolphins come from#like that one was my favorite to believe in dhdjjsksksbdhs#imagine being on a star planet diving around in the sea of light u_u anyways it still sounds fun shsjskskwne.#i hope that one is at least more tame. though im sure its still somehow connected to everything else which im p sure it is#dude all of this information is just resurfacing about all of this shit. i could totally write a whole thing about all the conspiracy#theories i learned about. i might if only to make fun of it all sjdjksksks#yall ever heard of FUCKING david willcocks????#his willing cocks???????#his fucking ass#and gaia FUCKING tv#all that dumb shit
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I'm gonna be 6 days full sober starting tmmrw unless I fall into the trap of tht dumb ass pre check check shit....I wonder which part of me will win....
#rambling#who am i kidding i know which will win#i need help. this is a cry for help. i need support. im so sick of playing pretend all the time lmfao#im tired of ppl talking abt being depressed for a few days like...nothing against them#but ive been in a perpetual state of trying not to kms and ruin all my relationships for years now#i just rly dont want to hear abt how u watch tv in bed when youre sad im sorry#idk how much longer i can do this. i rly have to start fighting for myself harder but also im so tired im so worn down#i can tell im getting so much worse even though im trying even harder than before and im scared#but i dont know what to do or where to turn#getting therapy can take so long and i need money so i cant leave my job and i cant abandon my current life bc i have no money for it#cant abandon my friends bc ik what that can lead to#i feel so trapped and im trying so hard not to but no one ever taught me enough to work thru this properly#but who am i to bitch when theres so much more going on around me#anyway.....heres wonderwall
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im going to finish magireco maybe bc its only like a dozen episodes left but ngl i might watch an additional show inbetween this and xy bc. im sorry gamers i cant say i like it all that much
#i WANTED to like it so bad i kept telling myself to not expect it to be as good as the original esp bc its an adaptation of a gacha#but i just dont find any of it or its new rules compelling at all#and the elements i do like are barely in the show like the little kyubey and the original five#and even then im a little afraid of how theyre gonna adapt them here#it just doesnt have much of what i loved abt the original series in it#echoed voice#the season 1 finale was the nail in the coffin tho oh my god the witch reveal reaction was god awful#i know we havent seen the other girls reactions besides tsureno and iroha and i guess yachiyo#and while tsurenos is good the other two are just????#iroha u were just told u were manipulated into this system to be converted into energy and a monster#and this entire time youve been fighting the tortured souls of other magical girls and the system is primed to ensure that you WILL die#or become a witch eventually#please show more fucking reaction to that than ‘’um okay….. where’s ui tho’’#like. she seemed upset in the dream yes but after that she says the ui line and then just has no drawbacks anymore#bc i guess the show doesnt have a counterargument against ‘’hey lets make life for magical girls easier and dont kill them’’#and having her be rightfully devastated and questioning the system would make the magias look good#again. ill give season 2 a chance and ill look for the stuff i like. ik homuras coming back#but season 1 left a really bad impression on me ugh#unless they turn around and do something interesting w the magias beyond ‘’ewwww theyre bad bc theyre…. bad!!!’’#and make iroha a more compelling protagonist i dont really have high hopes
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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love 😭😭😭
#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko#i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in#but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not#but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us#but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me#i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of#but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow#idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings 👍👍👍 which i eventually will have to face ig#but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack 😭 it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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my shoulder hurts
#sometimes i get really scared about turning into moms. like#that I'm basically just like the worst parts of my bfs mothers and eventually he'll hate me#idk. i have a lot of thoughts abt mom and stepmom in general. not all bad just a lot to think about w them#but yeah i just see a lot of similarities and it makes me kind of depressed actually lol. I'm like woof I'm rlly not good aren't i bc#I'm way less capable than they are. let alone my mother whose still going at it when she shouldve been chilling by now but#again im a burden. again i also don't see why we even came here to America like#ik my parents couldn't have predicted the fucking economy over here but god... why did they think we would make it here :/#idk man i literally hate America i resent that i am American and that the only parts of it i can love is that i make of it so i have to#actively participate in its development and culture and idfk#idk man i just wish i could rot but i literally can't because i have no one i genuinely want to affect in#i miss feeling normal but instead i dont do anything and wonder why i feel bad#idk. i know i shouldn't compare myself to ppl who have had more but also like. im objectively not as good at cleaning as the stepmom#im objectively not tidy as shown by my room and my inability to upkeep the fucking living room#like idk what they want me to do anymore i just feel like they hate me anyways forever lol
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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#emotions make me so.fucking uncomfortable. all of them#so this genuinely feelsike the world ending and it shouldnt but i cant help but ceel that it is#im just frustrated bc i KNOWWW it isnt#and i know this means more money bc ill overwork myself as a way to deal w it#and save my cash bc i wont be apwnding it on shit like alc or . wtv it is i seemed to lose money on bc of him#i just . i feel so shattered regardless and thats so infuriating#that i can actually allow someone to maks ms feel like this even tho its not all bad#this is just the negstivr side of . it.#im not making sense and im yrying to make sense of how i fucking feel bc i dont rlly know !!!! im not gonna lie !!!!#all i know is my chest hurts Nd i cant stop xrying abt it !!! butbill be fine !!! bc i havw to be !!! i alwahs am !!!!#i elly thoughy i couldve done it this time lmao#but nope ! it ended the fucking same way like usual bc icannot keep my shit in check#and its EXHAUSTING trying to do that and i hate kmowing the damage i did#bc getting better is hard and at some point i just Stop trying bc it wears me down#like ik theres not supposed to be any rewars for getting better and doing better othsn than . ur own satisifaction#but my god . it fucking sucks when the only reward i got for trying so fucking hard was . exhaustion and the same feeling#and bullshit still continuing.
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not to be a pain-crazed wild animal. i KNOW i do this every time. but p*riods are so fucking crazy. like my cr*mps are so bad my body is trying to strangle itself but im awake and i need to be at work in 2 hrs and get thru an entire 9 hr workday as if im not in excruciating pain and im gonna bring my heating pad and my p*in r*lief cr*am if you catch my drift (💀) and i’ll need to use them DURING a busy day in which i will not see any other ppl who get periods in person and using them is gonna be a whole awkward thing. like omg. this is not fucking normal lol
#purrs#it is normal obviously. but it’s SO fucking frustrating like omfg the amount of time i lose every single month to being in pain like this#FOR NO REASON and like half the global population has to deal w that and it’s like it’s nothing. idk. despair and suffering and misery#delete later#menstruation tw#the thing that really gets me abt it is how my mom (ik i said i would stop complaining abt her on here but we have been fighting all month#LOL so im giving myself permission) gets so fucking pissed at me and my sister when we’re in too much pain to do chores bc she thinks we’re#being lazy / making excuses and then she compares us to o it brother like.. omg um YOU should know how painful this can be first of all and#second of all why would you even make that comparison when he doesn’t lose a third of his life to his body trying to tear itself apart! lol!#and yes i could work from home or calll out sick but consider: i am mentally illabout not being at work. which * is gonna be on my ass abt w#when they hear me say that bc i know im gonna make a whole awkward big deal abt my heating pad. UGHHHHH embarrassing lmaooooo#like why do people have REGULAR B*DILY F*NCTIONS!!!!! REGULAR!!!!!!! that REGULARLY put them in this amount of pain and we have to just deal#with that like it’s nothing and be discreet about and whatever. ew i sound like um… someone who cares too much abt stuff like this lol but I#im so mad abt it rn like oh my GOD can the pain just not be part of it can we just evolve to get rid of that or put structures in place in a#society for ppl to be more accepting / supporting / whatever of it. please please please please please#(also goes for more than just p*riods btw. like imagine if as a society we had things in place for ppl who are regularly in#chronic pain of any kind 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 what a world that would be 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 wow i sure hope it happens in my lifetime 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍)
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#this week has been… just extremely …#as of last week mentally n physically i had just been drained…#was the week back frm spring break..had two meets one of which was out of town on a saturday taking 30 kids#it was A Lot n then it was also my bday that day so it somehow felt more of a drag bc it’s like … idk my bday doesn’t mean much nor do i#even do much but… it being on a saturday n still having to work n be around the kids it felt extra draining#it was nice tho.. kids had great swims it went by fast n we all went to get ice cream together after#so i’m not complaining but i’m super introverted so by this time of the season my social battery is just.. on the floor..#this coming up week is our most important week of the season for the team as a whole so i’ve just been stressed x9273738#and mentally i do feel exhausted and this past week has just been hard..#i am still in a state of disbelief n everything feels like a daze i can’t bring myself to even say his name …like i feel more than ever i’m#on autopilot it’s just all muscle memory taking me through the remainder of the season bc after this i’m rly just drained of everything#ik there was a reason for this post n me talking abt where i’m at but i can’t rmbr….#i’ve sat here for a minute n it came to me again#so that’s where i’m at rn and as usual sungwoon came n gave us the words i needed to hear#wnvr i’m at my lowest he just Knows somehow n tells us exactly what i needed to hear in the moment#he updated us saying he can’t believe that at this time next year he will be back home<3#only one more year to go and we’ll b reunited.. i’m sooo so happy#and then he said he’s been in deep thought these days and that he hopes haneuls are healthy both physically and mentally and that he misses#us so much#like….. yea… i just love him sm#anyway… i’m almost free frm the stress of our season n hopefully after i’ll make it through this long tunnel i feel i’m in and finally#Breathe…. i also have two cons next month so i’m excited to get a few weeks of relaxation before that n going w a light heart to the cons#seeing txt and wei<33333 like i’m so excited#hope everyone is hanging in there<3333#p
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