#and im too sober for this and just. constant upset

[unicornsaures]

with marching band coming up(for me at least), id like to yap about my hcs for the gang if they were to be in a marching band..(exception of steve because i dont know his character well enough to make decent hcs for him😭)

PonyBoy

-he would play a trumpet, he gives me major trumpet player vibes

-hes also not very good at playing it, he only joined because Soda did

-actually really good at marching

-either remembers all of his music or none of it

-he gets upset whenever the directors seperate brass and woodwind because soda plays a saxophone😕

-he would take football games very seriously

-NO extra playing in the stands

-fighting for his life every practice because marching at 180bpm and playing a trumpet takes a lot of air that he doesnt have

-thinks the uniforms are cool asf

-he almost died at band camp because he forgot water once

-Darry had to walk him off of the field

-Most hated section; percussion(dally hit him on the head with drumsticks once and he hasnt forgiven him)

Sodapop

-saxophone player !!

-he would be first chair because i said so

-WAY too lenient of a section leader but if you aint got your music memorized youre getting scolded

-really wants to be a drum major but he was never able to 'secure' the spot

-he fell a lot during his freshman year

-tries to teach ponyboy his music/drill spots as best as he can whenever pony gets confused

-not that serious about marching band, he's kinda doing it just because it sounded fun

-thought the uniforms made him look like shit(hes lying)

-remembers basically every show he did by heart

-really upset about quitting band when he dropped out

-Most hated section: Flutes/Piccs(Twobit rants about how much the section sucks)

Darry

-Drum major !!!

-he was like an overbearing parent to Soda and Pony during band camp(constantly checking if they had enough water breaks, ate enough each meal, etc)

-played the baritone in concert band and during his freshman year in marching band

-amazing at marching not so much marching and playing at the same time

-he didnt have enough time to practice at home so he only played during band and so his playing was mediocre

-drum major from sophomore to senior year

-he didnt mind the uniforms, he liked the normal uniforms better than drum major uniforms though

-HATED dally during marching band season. only during marching band season though

-director(s) loved him because the band actually listened to him

-got really upset when he graduated but the entire band said they were gonna miss him + the rest of the seniors so that makes it a bit better

-Most hated section: Percussion(Dally annoys him during MB season)

Two-bit

-Piccolo player.

-He thinks it sounds like a dog whistle and likes annoying Dally with it(he gets hit on the head with drum sticks)

-good at playing, bad at marching

-he has overall poor coordination from drinking so often

-his coverdowns suck

-god forbid he's backwards marching

-directors got onto him a lot about it he just couldnt fix his marching, he just sucked

-love/hate relationship w/ his section

-flutes n piccs gotta lot of drama overall, he just tried to ignore it

-(he started most of it)

-he's showed up drunk to a football game and he nearly got kicked out

-^darry had to talk the director out of kicking him out of the band

-annoys johnny all the time during practice considering he likes the clarinet section better

-Constant 'this one time at band camp..' jokes

-he adores the uniforms for some odd reason

-exclusively watches mickey mouse on his way to/from games and comps

-he complained a lot during band camp

-says hes going sober for the season every year(he lies every year)

-Most hated section: Flutes/Piccs(Its his own section, he just doesnt like the other people)(they dont like him either)(im not exaggerating this. flutes have the worst drama ever.)

Johnny

-Clarinet!!

-Takes marching band VERY seriously

-good distraction for him

-out of the house a lot because of practice

-he has to carpool to get back home basically everyday

-really good at marching, surprisingly

-soda was his marching band brother basically

-stayed as close as possible to dally during warm-up blocks

-liked talking about his music and drill to pony whenever practice ended

-dally told him he did good after a show once and hes never forgotten it

-really quiet during practice

-like pony, fighting for his life trying to get air he doesnt have during practice

-usually ends up talking to pony in the lot after football games

-doesnt really like wearing the uniforms but he thinks they look fine

-type of person to cry at championships

-LOVES stands tunes theyre so fun to him

-Most hated section: Trumpets(No hate to Pony, but theres too many.)

Dally

-Percussion - bass drum

-he used to be a snare but he broke 2 of them and the directors gave up

-really irresponsible when it comes to memorizing his music

-he remembers half of the show and just wings it for the rest

-comes up behind people and hits them in the head with drum sticks

-he doesnt even know why hes in band

-he complains about practice every day(who doesnt tbh)

-suffering at band camp

-pale bitch burned so badly its not even funny

-worst mischief during band camp and football games

-annoying the fuck out of darry during water breaks

-Sylvia is in colorguard so its really awkward whenever they see each other

-actually decent at marching

-he just doesnt take it seriously

-he hates stands tunes with a burning passion

-he has to tie his hair up to put on his hat and twobit makes fun of him for having a 'man bun'

-he touched the feathers of a plume with his hands once and darry yelled at him

-hates the uniforms but is convinced he looks good in it(he doesnt)

-Most hated section: Mellophones(He has beef w/ one of the guys who plays one)

[wioaase]

I drank tonight but it wasnt enough to get me to want to write and i still feel sober but im making myself do it because i said i would :salute:

Types of dates skz would take you on:

Chan

Something educational

Would already know more about the topic

Goes out of his way to make sure you're engaged

I can't come up with any specific educational type dates but he'd wanna talk about all the things you both found cool afterwards

Constant asking if you've eaten enough

Def includes music at least somewhere

Minho

Is a cat cafe too cliche?

Good thing I'm too tired to care

Impressed by your natural ability to get pussy

Quietly decides he wants to figure out your secret to doing it which leads to more cute dates with cats

Can't help but admire you while you admire the cats

He almost likes you as much as his cats

Almost

Constant lighthearted and playful relationship

Teasing but gets upset if others tease you

Will send unsolicited cat pics at 2am then ask why you're up

Happy that you always respond despite giving you a hard time for staying up late

I'm out lmao

Chsngbin

Gym date?

Nah fuck that gyms aint for dates

Would wanna do something for you personally

Your Eyes MV where he's grillmaster 76

Picnic by the han river(also cliche?)

Would jokingly go to feed you and when you accept he gets slightly flustered

You're looking at the river but he's looking at you

Lots of photos taken

Offering his jacket because he thinks being near the water is cold

You disagree but take it to appease him

While happy you're no longer cold more distracted at how you look in his clothing

Coming up with excuses for you to keep his jacket so he can see you wearing it again

Hyunjin

Art

Doesn't matter what kind

Would wanna do something more interactive?

Take a pottery class together

He's obviously good at it but you suck

Two of you laughing at how bad your attempt is until he comes over and helps you

Sits behind you

Hands on yours

Is more focused on fixing your mess of pottery than turning it into a hallmark moment

Eventually trade pottery pieces because you liked his better

He holds onto yours as a memory more than anything else and keeps it somewhere safe he sees often

Remembers more of laughing with you trying to fix it than making his own

Felix

Cafe hopping? Yes

A million cute cafes in the world and he has to see all of them

Keeps track of his favorite dishes from each cafe

After going to a couple cafes and gathering recipes he invites you over

Loves the cafe food so much he wants to make his own

✨️ Baking ✨️

You make a huge mess of the kitchen but finish each recipe

Watch reruns of a show you've both seen while waiting for the goods to bake

He falls asleep on the couch

You finish baking on your own

When things are finally cool enough to eat you wake him gently

Seeing you finish his baking while he rests mskes him genuinely happy

You eat together and agree its better than any cafe

He's already planning what cafe to go to next and come up with more reasons to have you over

Han

Would want something low-key because he does enough high-key stuff with the boys

At home self care day?

You both sleep in extra late

Fluffy pink bath robes

Bunny slippers to match

Your favorite drama in the background

Take turns doing each others nails

Dollar store face masks you picked out for each other

Not always talking, sometimes silent with the tv as background noise

It's comfortable

I'm starting to fall asleep so sorry

Maybe some noraebang while you're doing each others nails

Part of self care is just hanging out on the couch together and recharging from the stresses from the last week

Eye fungo yet t

[madamesehun]

I was planing on having a chill evening after such a shitty afternoon but no you just had to keep me on the phone and make me wanna die for 2 whole hours and 40 fucking minutes uh

[ghost-in-the-stalls]

What are ur tilda hcs?

Okay im finally gonna answer this!! Thank you so much for asking!!! I love receiving asks and I love sharing my headcanons. Sorry again it's so late ❤❤❤

This isn't gonna be nearly as well worded and eloquent as I originally planned. The first time I wrote it it basically became a drabble about her life. And then I lost that whole draft. Lmao

I just don't have it in me to recreate that whole thing again but I still wanna share my headcanons about her because I do have a lot!

I also wanna say this is in no way to like... excuse her behavior or try and redeem her. She was a terrible person. But people aren't born terrible. And I like taking 2 dimensional fictional women and making them make sense. So this isn't to excuse but instead to explain? I guess?

cw for all the shit you expect with the minyards by now, but specifically drug addiction and statutory rape. Also this is LONG so its going under a cut.

So first of all, I imagine her and Luther as being half siblings. Their father was a preacher or something- someone with a big role in their church's community and a big reputation of being a reliable, wise, holy man.

When Luther was maybe around 3 years old, there was this teenage girl in the congregation who would often come to Mr. Hemmick for advice, guidance, comfort, etc. She didn't quite fit in in school, wasn't great at academics and struggled to keep up with her siblings achievements, and was overall going through a lot of the turmoil thats unfortunately common for teenagers.

So she, like many people in the congregation, went to Mr Hemmick for guidance and ended up seeing a lot of him. She felt listened to and believed in with him. She felt like he treated her as more mature than the way her family treated her. She trusted him. He abused that.

If you asked her at the time, she would have said it was consensual between them. But she was 16. And when she became pregnant, he turned on her REAL fast lemme tell you. He made her promise not to tell anyone that he was the father, and he only told his wife. And of course, when he told his wife, he talked at length about how this 16 year old girl tempted him to sin; how he regretted it and only hoped she could learn to truly find God.

So he took the child in upon being born as a way to "attone" for what he'd done, but the whole community (not knowing he was the father) just saw it as an act of good will. And of course he'd tout off a lot in his sermons about how he'd be able to give the baby a much better, holier lifestyle than a teenager who turned her back on god by having sex.

So he and his wife end up raising Tilda from birth, but they make sure she knows from the beginning the circumstances of her birth. They drill it into her that her mother was a dirty sinner and that she herself is tainted as a result. She is raised always feeling like she needs to be twice as good to even be considered half as good as her brother in her parents eyes.

Naturally, she stops trying pretty early. In middle school, I imaging her being one of those bullies. The really nasty ones who get violent at their victims for even looking at them wrong. Idk about anyone else, but in my schools growing up the fights between the girls were always way bloodier than the ones between the guys. And I imagine those as the types of fights she got in- especially when one of her victims decides to stand up for themselves by throwing her own baggage back in her face.

By high school, she was thoroughly committed to the role of problem child. She would do everything she could to upset her family and get herself into shit. She'd do drugs, skip classes, show up to school drunk, stay out late, etc. In addition to all this, she would purposefully find whatever guy seemed like the most trouble and take him home. Whether this was the school drug dealer, a boy who got expelled for some rough shit, or college boys who caught her eye at parties.

So she's basically dug this hole for herself where she's committed to actually being the child of sin that her family has always seen her as anyway. The few people who tried to reach out to her wouldn't get far. She would push and push at them to see how far she could stretch their patience (to see how long it took them to give up on her like everyone else).

She even had one teacher who never did give up on her. But she outright told Tilda that she can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Those words would ring in Tildas ears for years to come, even if she never found it in herself to put the concept into action.

So eventually she'd graduate- just barely because she rarely put in effort in school- and she'd be left to suddenly have to find a place in the world when she previously never even thought she'd have a future. She started batting heads with her family even more (which no one thought was possible at that point) but it became less antagonistic on her end. She was still a shit stirrer, don't get me wrong. But she was getting tired. The fights were less about her being intentionally aggrevating and aggressive and more about her continuously being unable to live up to their expectations.

Luther already had a promising job as a cop at this point, meanwhile she was still living at home and bouncing between jobs that barely kept her afloat and boyfriends that barely made her feel worth something. She'd gotten into drugs in high school, and the habit only got worse now that she was out. It was the only thing that made her feel something other than misery or numbness. She could lose herself in the drugs and the boyfriends and the late nights out. She would come home to see her parents less and less and would speak to them only when absolutely necessary.

Eventually Mr. Hemmick died fairly young (heart attack or something equally as tragic. Whatever I dont care about him enough to pick the details) and his wife followed soon after by suicide. The house was left to Luther, who moved back in immediately and said there'd be changes in the household. He basically told Tilda to quit the drugs and go back to church if she wanted to stay in the house. He also had other rules like keeping a job, dumping her current boyfriend, giving her a curfew, etc.

So she left. She took her shitty beat up car an ex had fixed up for her and headed to California. A friend from high school lived out that way, so that's where she headed.

During this period in her life the drugs got a lot worse. This is also when she realized that she had become addicted. Mainly this is because, even after being away from her family and having freedom, she was still miserable. She didn't know how to get through a day sober. The constant variation between numbness and misery was too much to bare, but she wasn't ready to help herself. She wasn't ready to commit to her own healing and health.

She was in and out of therapy and rehab as quickly as she'd change jobs and partners. She wouldn't commit, and as soon as she had an out she'd take it. Had to miss an appointment for scheduling? Didn't make it back to the shelter in time to claim her bed for the night? Forgot to call back one of the few people who tried to reach out? No going back.

This is my main thing with Tilda. She was a shitty person who had a shitty life. But she never found the strength and commitment in herself to put in the work to be better. She instead let herself fall further and further down the hole because it was easier than pulling herself out. Because part of her still believed deep down that she had succeeded in living up to her birthright- that she wasn't deserving of ever healing or being better.

It was in one of these rehab facilities that she met the twins' father (and this part is absolutely inspired by Luke and Joey from the haunting of hill house). He was a guy with a similar past to hers- always sure he was meant to be bad so he committed to the role and never learned to commit to anything else. The difference between them, though, was that he was ready to get better.

They became fast friends and leaned on one another a bit while in rehab. She didn't see him as anything other than a friend, but he unfortunately became set on this idea that they would heal and move forward together. She knew he had feelings for her and enabled him (she didn't love him back but had never actually felt cared for like this before). He believed in her even when she didn't believe in herself, which was a lot. Unfortunately for him, he also ended up being more committed to her healing than she was. When she eventually started spiraling again, all other feelings for him were overshadowed by the part of her that just saw an opportunity.

She took advantage of him. She slept with him, took his money while he was sleeping, and bailed to get high and never see him again. Now I'm not gonna say she was just a devil who entered this poor man's life. He saw her more as a potential for an ideal life than a person. He was more in love with the dream he had of them getting better and starting a life together than he was actually in love with her and who she was as a person. Bad match all around.

So she never saw or heard from him again. When she found out she was pregnant, she went home to Luther and his wife and son. She didn't tell him right away that she was pregnant. Instead, she pretended she was just finally ready to commit to God and turn her life around. She played the part alright for a while, went to church with them and got sober and everything, but tried to leave and move into a women's shelter when she started showing. Luther found out and brought her home.

At first he was actually super supportive- mainly because he just genuinely thought she wanted to find God and stop "living in sin". But when she finally told him she didn't plan to keep the child, he turned on her.

We know the story from there. Personally I think the night that she stole the money and ran as her point of no return. Years down the line, when she knew she was being a terrible mother and person, she'd remember that night. And she'd think to herself how this is who she was always meant to be. How she doesnt deserve to be any better than how she is. And she'd dig the hole deeper.

-----

So yeah thats my take on Tilda Minyard. Sorry it was so long. I like the idea of giving depth and complexity to female characters- even the bad guys and the ones I don't like. I have a similar lengthy life concept for Mary Hatford as well, but it isn’t nearly as long. If anyone is curious lol

Thanks again for asking!

[maybeebeee]

The Instance of the Curry Cup

Hi! I haven’t written and posted something in quite a while, but Pokemon SWSH has absolutely consumed my life so here’s a little thing while I’m writing a much bigger thing!

A group chat leads to a party that leads to a curry cooking competition. Piers relentlessly teases Gloria for having a crush on Hop. Hop has a crisis. Just another day in the life of some of Galar's most prominent figures.

As a note for the group chat section of this fic, here are the nicknames to note which characters are who!

Hippity Hop = Hop Eat Sand = Raihan Champion Time Snr = Leon Croon Toondra = Gloria Mermaid = Nessa Big Tiddy Goth GF = Piers Flame Dad(dy) = Kabu Wooloolooloo = Milo Kung Fu Fighting = Bea Rocky Horror = Gordie Baby Goth = Marnie

Rated G, some mild language use | Hop, Gloria, and the other rivals are around 15/16 | Read on AO3 or under the cut!

It had all started with a group chat.

Not long after becoming Champion, Gloria had been added to the gym leader group chat. Leon, Piers, and Opal were still in it and she had learned quickly that Piers, Gordie, and Raihan were the instigators of most of the chaos in that chat. Marnie seemed to encourage her brother a little too much on that front, but overall it was fairly controlled chaos.

Then the second group chat came about.

Raihan had started it, mainly to avoid Melony’s constant reminders to be aware of the language being used with Allister around on the other chat. Subsequently, neither Melony nor Allister were on the new chat.

Nearly everyone else was, though, besides Opal. Even Hop and Sonia had been added, given that it was more of an open chat than the “official” gym leader one. Given that combination, however, it was far more of an ordeal to try and deal with that group, and with Piers and Raihan apparently never sleeping at all, it felt like Gloria’s Rotomphone was constantly buzzing with notifications at even the most insane hours of the night.

It had been just over a year since she’d won the Champion Cup, and Gloria now found herself standing in the kitchen of Leon’s sizable flat in Wyndon, surrounded by the physical embodiment of the most ridiculous parts of that second group chat.

Raihan had suggested the party-but-not a few weeks back, and after a fair bit of negotiating schedules, it had been decided that tonight was the best night to do it, so here they all were. Gloria was glad for the reprieve from her neverending Champion duties, and she’d been absolutely over the moon to see Hop again after what seemed like forever.

And now here she was, knocking elbows with her rival-slash-best friend as they and a bunch of their partially tipsy adult friends battled it out in what had been dubbed the Curry Cup by whoever had suggested the stupid idea in the first place. Probably Raihan.

“Two minutes left!” Slurred Sonia from across the bench. She was just about completely relying on Nessa to stay on her feet at this point, yet somehow still had it in her to decide how much longer those of them competing could cook for. Coming to these gatherings had certainly been an eye-opening experience for Gloria, seeing so many of the most well-known figures in Galar coming together and getting completely sauced for the hell of it.

“You said ten minutes literally thirty seconds ago!” Hop whined, haphazardly throwing in some extra ingredients to finish off his curry when Sonia simply waved him off. Gloria wondered how much of Sonia’s hangover her friend would have to deal with at the lab in the morning, or if the young professor simply wouldn’t show up at all.

It certainly wasn’t two minutes before all of the participants were ushered away from their curries, but Hop still seemed quite confident with his final product. Gloria couldn’t say the same for her own, especially being so used to taking her time with cooking when she camped out with her Pokemon. Not that she had much time to do that anymore, really.

“Sorry to say, but I’m definitely crushing you in this competition, mate, I can just feel it!” Hop said as he slung a friendly arm around Gloria’s shoulders, watching intently as Sonia, Nessa, and Bea walked along the row of curries on the bench to judge them all. Gloria tried to ignore how warm her face was suddenly feeling, but the look she got from Piers told her she wasn’t doing a great job at hiding it.

Damn her own big mouth for blabbing to him about her crush on Hop, the one time she couldn’t sleep and happened to be awake at three in the morning, with Piers being the only one she could think to message at that hour. It had been a good conversation, actually, but still.

Every time she’d seen him since then, it seemed like he was teasing her about Hop. Even directly in front of Hop. It was constant, but Piers claimed it was because Marnie didn’t get crushes on people, so he was using her as a stand-in when it came to teasing about that kind of thing.

Ignoring the ex-gym leader’s very obvious silent mocking, Gloria turned her attention back to Hop and lightly elbowed him in the side before wrapping her own arm around him in return. “As if,” She laughed, “Who’s the undefeated champion in this room? I’ve got this in the bag.”

As it turned out, neither of them were destined to be crowned the Curry Cup Champion, and the competition ultimately went to Leon. Hop decided that it was all rigged because the judges weren’t sober, and had wandered back into the living room with a dramatic huff as most of the other guests went to congratulate his brother.

Piers seemed to take the opportunity to suddenly appear next to Gloria with a ridiculously smug look on his face. “Seems you’re ‘aving fun. Said anything to ‘im yet?”

She folded her arms and pouted crossly. “No. Cannae say anythin’ with you nearby anyway, you’re such a pest.”

Piers scoffed. “Please. I’m doing the both of you a favour, bruv, since ‘e won’t say it and neither will you. The two’ve you are gonna go crazy if this keeps up. I’m gonna go crazy if I ‘ave to watch you idiots keep dancin’ around each other for the rest of time!”

“Shut up, he’s obviously not got anythin’ to say on the topic. Do ye know how much he talks? Surely he’d have said something by now if there was somethin’ to say.”

“Do you ‘ave any idea how much he talks to me? ‘E always messages me at times kids your age shouldn’t be up, sayin’ how he doesn’t want to bother you but can’t sleep and keeps thinkin’ about you so ‘e decided to message me and blah blah blah. Please just tell ‘im so that he actually messages you when he’s thinkin’ about you, there’s only so much more of his sappy shit I can take.” Piers practically begged, seeming like he was mere seconds away from pulling out his phone to show her the evidence. Gloria didn’t doubt that Hop had messaged him plenty, but she still wasn’t convinced that he reciprocated her feelings, even though she knew she had no reason not to believe Piers.

Still, she pulled up the collar of her cardigan to try and hide the bright blush on her face at the thought of Hop being all sappy about her. The question still remained, though, “Why doesn’t he just tell me that himself? Not like he hasn’t messaged me at four AM before sayin’ he misses me or whatever. Gotta say I’ve done the same, prob’ly more sappy than him too.”

Piers gave a dramatic sigh and turned back towards the kitchen. “I need another drink. You’re ‘opeless, the both of you.”

Gloria let out a huff of her own, but decided now would be a good time to retreat after her rival, hoping that maybe now they could actually catch up a bit more now that she’d gotten Piers off her back and everyone else was still preoccupied in the kitchen. Only, she got to the living room and found Marnie and Bede, with no Hop in sight. The other two weren’t sure where he’d gone, only giving a vague direction to “outside.”

With that clue in mind, Gloria headed for the balcony, recalling how Hop had mentioned once that he liked to stand out there and see if he could spot Postwick in the distance, past all of Wyndon’s bright lights and vast expanse of the Wild Area even further past that. It seemed like a good place to start.

True to her assumption, Hop was leaning against the railing and squinting out into the night, so she casually sidled up next to him and prodded his shoulder. “Thinkin’ about something, Hopscotch?” She questioned, a gentle teasing note in her voice.

Hop shrugged. “Nothing to worry about, mate. Just the usual.” His tone was flatter than Gloria had been expecting, so she raised an unconvinced eyebrow at him despite the fact that he wasn’t looking at her yet.

“The good usual or the anxiety usual?” The teasing was gone now, replaced with concern as she let her hand rest on Hop’s shoulder. Many late-night phone calls over the past year had made Gloria well aware of the fact that her best friend still suffered greatly from the many untruths and insecurities that his mind threw at him, even though he seemed to be doing better than he ever had before on the outside, and it was always heartbreaking to watch when he got like this.

“Stop calling me out like that.” Hop joked halfheartedly, his weak smile quickly falling back into a frown, “But really, don’t worry. Just me getting all upset over something stupid again, which is the usual.”

Gloria squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll bet my hat it’s not stupid. Is it the competition?”

He nodded sheepishly following a moment of silence, as if he knew he wasn’t getting out of this now. “It is stupid. Who gets worked up about losing some stupid curry contest that Raihan came up with anyway? It was supposed to just be some fun thing and I ruined it for myself by...by doing what I always bloody do, you know? Losing, and then getting upset about losing, and then getting upset because I know I’m never going to be number one at anything, and then beating myself up for being so stupid, and--”

“Hey.” Gloria interjected, “You’re not stupid, you hear me? Losing doesn’t make ye stupid. Being upset about things doesn’t make you stupid, and your brain lying to you about your worth doesn’t make ye stupid. You are not stupid, alright? You’re strong.” She encouraged, shifting to settle her arm properly across Hop’s shoulders and pull him closer to her side. Their height difference was making it a little harder now that he’d suddenly sprouted almost half a head taller than her since the last time they’d seen each other, but Gloria didn’t care.

Hop didn’t say anything, but leaned into her a little more, so she continued. “You wanna know a secret? You’re my number one. Always have been. So don’t go sayin’ you’re not the best at anything, because you’re the best to me.”

There was nothing but the sound of Wyndon's bustling streets below for a long moment, but suddenly Gloria was being pulled into a tight hug, with Hop's head resting atop hers. "Thanks. Really." He breathed into her hair, "For the record, you're my number one, too. Undefeated champ or not." The soft laugh he let out that time was genuine, and Gloria couldn't help the smile that came to her face in response. Never would there be another sound as sweet as Hop's laughter, she thought. 

When she finally leaned back just enough to look at Hop properly, Gloria had to take a breath to compose herself, suddenly noticing the lack of space between their faces. She hadn't intended on that happening, so she tried to ignore it, like she always tried to ignore her feelings for him. "Say, I was thinkin' about going camping in the Wild Area tonight, wanna tag along? We could make some curry together with our Pokemon, no competition allowed." That wasn't exactly the usual way one went about ignoring their feelings, but at this point she figured it didn't matter. How many times had they camped out together anyway? No big deal.

Hop beamed. "Sounds brilliant! Shall we go now?"

Gloria laughed, but was already reaching into her bag to find Flygon’s pokeball. Since becoming Champion she’d realised she needed to be extra careful about keeping her Pokemon as close to her as possible, especially given that she now had Zamazenta as a trusted member of her team. She didn’t want anything to happen to any of her dear Pokemon friends, which was why these days she always kept her bag on her, or at least within arm’s reach no matter where she was. Just in case.

Flygon let out a happy trill as it burst from its pokeball, setting down expectantly on the balcony behind Hop and Gloria as if it already knew their plan. The two young trainers quickly climbed aboard the eager Pokemon's back, and Gloria's heart began to race when Hop settled in behind her and curled his arms around her waist. We're about to take off, you daft bastard, of course he's gotta hold onto something, she reminded herself. 

“Alright, Flygon, let’s get goin’. To the Wild Area!” Gloria announced. The Pokemon didn’t hesitate to take to the sky once again, both of its passengers whooping with delight once the initial jolts and jerks had passed. Maybe a Flying Taxi would’ve been a smoother ride, but there was something so much better about trusting your own Pokemon enough to transport you safely to where you wanted to go, and it was certainly cheaper than paying to get all the way to the Motostoke side of the Wild Area from Wyndon in a Flying Taxi.

It had already been reasonably dark when they’d left Wyndon, being a little while after dinner time by then, but by the time they made it to North Lake Miloch it was well and truly night time outside. Gloria had actually started to doze off at some point when there had been a pause in conversation, and she awoke with a start as Flygon landed back on the ground. Thank goodness for Hop being able to direct Flygon as effectively as she could herself.

Still, the heat rushed back to her cheeks when she realised that she’d been leaning almost entirely back into Hop’s chest as she’d fallen asleep, but by that point she could only hope that he hadn’t taken too much notice of it. They’d fallen asleep on each other plenty of times, anyway, why should it matter now? Catching feelings was annoying.

If Hop had thought anything of it, he didn’t mention it, and the two of them went about setting up camp with as much friendly banter as usual. Gloria had a handful of berries and half a bag of mushrooms in her supplies, while Hop had some other berries to contribute as well as a few potatoes. They figured it would all mix well enough together, so they let out all of their Pokemon and set to work.

“Maybe letting twelve Pokemon have free reign of the camp wasn’t the best idea.” Hop commented when Gloria’s Flareon came up for the third time to try and taste some of the curry before it was ready. 

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” The Champion said coyly, gently shooing away her meddlesome Pokemon, “They’re all such angels, they’re not doing anything wrong at all.”

Hop laughed. “You’re right, it’s just Flareon. And also our Dubwools chasing each other around everywhere. And Zacian and Zamazenta looking like they’re about to murder anyone that dares get too close to the camp.”

Gloria shrugged as she fished around for a few plates to get ready for serving up. “At least they’re looking out for us. I feel better having them ‘round, just in case.” 

“Fair call.”

Not long after that, the curry was served and most of the Pokemon had been settled down by the offer of some food. Hop and Gloria sat close together by the fire that Flareon and Hop’s Cinderace were keeping an eye on, and chatted idly about this and that, all sorts of things that they’d missed in each other’s lives since the last time they were able to meet up, or even have a long conversation on the phone. 

There were neverending topics to cover. Hop being able to do research on some of his own projects now, Gloria’s latest exhibition matches, silly things they’d caught their Pokemon doing...it always felt as though they’d never missed a beat when they saw each other, like no matter where they left off they could always pick it right back up again.

“You know,” Hop said after a while, once they’d both truly lost track of time and could only guess that it was some time in the middle of the night by now. Gloria was leaning against his shoulder, with his arm casually draped around her in return as they both lay up against their Dubwools. “I really wish we got to do this more. I mean I know we’re both really busy and all now, but…” He sheepishly glanced away, “I dunno. I just miss you, mate. A lot.”

Gloria gave a gentle smile and leaned into Hop a little more. “I know the feeling. Seems like we went from seeing each other every day when we were growin’ up, to once or twice a week during our Gym Challenge, to now...what, once a month if we’re lucky? It’s stupid, I just wanna see my best friend all the time.” She sighed.

How long would it be after this time that they’d be able to spend an extended period of time together like this again? Sure, Gloria had tomorrow as well, but after that she had to head to Kalos for Arceus knew how long for all manner of exhibition matches and photoshoots and advertising campaigns. It was unfair how little time she got to spend at home anymore, she still didn’t know how Leon managed to do it for ten years straight, and from an even younger age than her, for that matter! 

Hop’s next quiet comment cut her out of her spiralling thoughts. She could’ve sworn there was a slight blush tingeing his cheeks, but it could’ve just been the firelight. “Best friend, huh?”

She quirked up a brow in surprise and sat up slightly. “Aye? Always have been, always will be, you know that. Is...something wrong?” Surely this wasn’t going where her lovestruck teenage brain was hoping it would. There was no way Hop liked her like that as well. Piers could not be right about this whole thing.

The boy in question kept his gaze trained on his lap, but Gloria felt his fingers tapping a nervous pattern on her shoulder, where he still had his arm around her. “I, um.” Hop started, rather eloquently, “I...like you. As in, like like you. And I think I have for a really long time but I just never wanted to say anything because I figured you wouldn’t like me back since we were always just best friends, but...sorry. You don’t have to like me back, I just wanted to let you know. Just in case, I guess. I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.”

Gloria could’ve sworn her heart stopped in that moment. She felt like she was acting on autopilot when she reached over to grab Hop’s free hand, only hesitating for a fraction of a second before pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek as well. His skin was soft and warm under her lips, and she felt so giddy as she drew back to look at Hop’s adorably surprised expression, his wide golden eyes and slightly parted lips. An irrational part of her mind wanted to lean in and kiss him properly, but now certainly wasn’t the right time for that.

“Of course I like you back, Hopscotch. Honestly cannae believe you didn’t notice how unsubtle Piers was being about teasin’ me literally every single opportunity he got, he’s an idiot.” Gloria laughed, giving his hand a squeeze as he seemed to still be processing what had just happened.

Hop managed to sputter out a laugh of his own a second later, pulling Gloria closer to his side and planting a little kiss of his own to her head. “Are you kidding me? I thought Piers was teasing me about it constantly. I had a three AM crisis to him months ago about it, I can’t believe it.”

Gloria snorted in her laughter, causing a few of their nearby Pokemon to look at her with concern. “I did the exact same thing. Arceus above, I really thought he was havin’ a laff when he said you were messaging him about me!”

“Serious? With the way he said it I was sure he was kidding when he said you were doing the same thing as me! Maybe he was right, we really are dumb.”

Somehow they ended up in a bit of a tangle as they laughed, unapologetically clinging to each other now that they were both apparently on the same page with what it all meant. Maybe nothing had really changed that much with their admissions at all, maybe - much to both of their dismay - Piers had been right, and they’d just been subconsciously waiting for someone to say something this whole time. 

Either way, once they had finally composed themselves enough to focus, Gloria leaned in to press her cheek up against Hop’s. “So...Hop, my dearest best friend and favourite rival.” She teased, “You wanna...be my boyfriend as well?”

Hop grinned, his eyes crinkling up with glee. “Gloria, mate, my number one and favourite champ, obviously yes.”

Gloria beamed. “Great. Brilliant.” She whispered giddily.

The following morning, a photo of the two of them in close quarters surrounded by several of their Pokemon was sent to the group chat, accompanied by a short message.

Hippity Hop [7:48AM] :

sorry we disappeared last night lads, spontaneous camping trip! also we’re dating now. have a great day :)

Eat Sand [7:49AM] :

wait...you weren’t already dating???

bloody hell my life is a lie

leon why’ve you been lying to me

Champion Time Snr [7:53AM] :

this is news to me mate i thought they’d been dating since they started the gym challenge

Croon Toondra [7:54AM] :

WHAT?!?

....you’re havin a laff right

Eat Sand [7:54AM] :

no lee really said he thought hop was your boyf

Croon Toondra [7:55AM] :

canny believe ye lee

thought we were friends

Champion Time Snr [7:55AM] :

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mermaid [7:58AM] :

honestly i agree w/ the boys i thought you were bf + gf for ages

sonia said you were

she can’t defend herself rn she’s still passed out hungover so

Big Tiddy Goth GF [8:00AM] :

bout time innit

felt like reality tv at this point

congrats tho took you ages

Flame Dad(dy) [8:03AM] :

Congratulations, although I have to say I was also under the impression you had been together since the Gym Challenge.

Wooloolooloo [8:04AM] :

Same here! You two are right cute though so congrats :)

Kung Fu Fighting [8:07AM] :

yeah rai told most of us that lee told him ages ago so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ good job anyway you cute

Rocky Horror [8:10AM] :

think we can all just agree someone was wrong and we’ll leave it there

that someone was lee but we’ll ignore that

reckon he’s just tryin to get us off his back about him and rai ;)

Champion Time Snr [8:11AM] :

thanks everyone appreciate it

also gordie please shut up

Hippity Hop [8:12AM] :

I forgive you lee!

at least for the sake of this group chat >:)

Big Tiddy Goth GF [8:14AM] :

get him hop it’ll be funny

lee watch out bruv

also you’re literally as bad as the kids with your feelings it’s disgusting

Baby Goth [8:15AM] :

Ignoring piers i’m happy for you two :D

Also thought it was a thing but that’s coz it just seemed like you were

No one actual said anythin to me

Croon Toondra [8:17AM] :

love ye all but i’m also fookin over ye dkjafhf

lee just go sulk and cuddle your boyf

Eat Sand [8:18AM] :

who’s lee’s boyf???? >:(

oh wait i see

fml

[silver-rings-and-rabbits]

Sunlight and Shadows

Pairing: Rafael Aveiro x M! MC (Matthew Valentine)

Summary: A continuation of where Open Heart: Second Year chapter 9 left off. I was disappointed but not surprised that they opened chapter 10 with a time jump and left us hanging for two thirds of the chapter, so this is how I imagined my MC to react when Rafael first told him he was leaving town (I know it’s a moot point now, but it was fun to write)

Category: Angst, but with a bit of friendship (one-shot)

"I'm leaving town."

The words hit Matthew like a bullet, tearing right through him, leaving him breathless.

"L-leaving?" he stuttered.

"Yeah." Rafael looked regretful, and Matthew could see why he had tried to keep this news from him for now.

"But...why? Where are you going?" Matthew's voice was soft and hoarse, like it always was when he was upset. Rafael had heard his sad voice before, but knowing he was the direct cause cut him deep. Even though he deserved to feel bad. It was nothing less than he should have expected.

"I'm moving to Brazil," he said weakly. It was pointless to keep the full truth from Matthew now. The box had been opened.

"Brazil?!" Matthew's voice rose up a level and his big eyes widened. "That's so far away..." Matthew bit down on his lip, looking away from Rafael, only for his gaze to land on Kyra in her hospital bed connected to all kinds of tubes and machines, looking small and weak. He turned back to Rafael, his heart pounding in his chest.

"But...what about your family?"

Rafael swallowed. "I've talked about it with everyone. I'm going to stay with my cousin in Salvador and I'll be able to catch up with that side of the family. And my family in Boston are all for it."

"They're all for you just disappearing?!" Matthew asked sharply. He looked away again and drew in a deep breath. He was getting out of control. It was too much now. Maybe June had been right earlier. Maybe he should take a sick day...

Rafael was looking hurt. "I'll miss them, obviously, and they'll miss me but...I've lived in the same neighbourhood my entire life. Maybe it's time for me to start fresh. And that's what they support. I'm not abandoning anyone."

"But...what about work?"

"I quit," Rafael said simply, and Matthew's jaw dropped in surprise. "Being suspended lead to me thinking about what would come next. I always knew I wouldn't be a paramedic forever and maybe this is how it's meant to go." He shrugged, calmly accepting.

"Oh geez..." Matthew let out a rush of breath, leaning heavily against the wall trying to wrap his head around the news.

It had been six or seven months since Sora had come back to Boston causing Rafael to question everything. Matthew's heart was broken and he was going through a very long and slow recovery process. He had distanced himself from Rafael at first, but when they had danced together at Boston T-Party Music Festival Matthew realised how much he had missed being Rafael's friend. With constant, stern reminders that Rafael was no longer his, Matthew slowly started to let him in again. But now, hearing that Rafael was moving to another country, Matthew realised how much he treasured the few minutes at a time when he could chat to Rafael in the hospital corridors. How he still got a little rush if Rafael hugged him or if they accidentally brushed against each other. Now Matthew was faced with the cold, harsh truth that he had still been hoping Rafael might still have feelings for him, might someday come back to him. How stupid Matthew had been. He really didn't have a chance.

"Hey..." Rafael looked concerned and took a step closer, reaching out towards him. "Matthew, come on, it'll be alr--"

"Don't." Matthew hastily stepped away, and Rafael flinched. Matthew took a deep breath to try and pull himself together and tried again. "I'm sorry Raf, I just...I need to be alone right now. I need to...process..." he looked into Rafael's eyes--warm, chocolate brown; he had once seen them sparkling so beautifully under the light of a street lamp--and his heart seemed to shatter all over again. 'I've decided to be with Sora' 'I'm moving to Brazil'...Really, what difference did it make?

"I need to be alone," Matthew repeated, his voice soft again.

Rafael nodded, sadness crossing his face. He stepped away from Matthew, outstretched hand falling to his side. Once upon a time Matthew had grabbed that hand like a lifeline and dragged Rafael into the on-call room where he had broken down in his arms. That had only been a year ago, though it felt like another life. Maybe even a dream.

Without another word, Matthew turned away and began walking as fast as he could to the locker room. A few people he vaguely knew were in there and cheerfully greeted him. Matthew might have mumbled something in their direction--he was only vaguely aware of his surroundings--as he grabbed his bag and jacket and headed straight for the exit.

He stopped short in the car park, having spotted three familiar figures up ahead. His roommates were leaving, bantering with each other warmly, apparently unaware of the complete shake-up that was going down. Not ready to engage in conversation, Matthew's steps faltered and he slowed down, allowing the distance between them to increase. When his friends turned in the direction of the subway, he turned the opposite way.

His heart was still pounding and he felt shaky and light-headed. It was a little like how he felt after skydiving with everyone last year, except this time there was no security of a parachute and no solid ground to catch him safely. Or at all. He might as well be falling endlessly through nothingness.

As Matthew wandered down the street, a sign for Boston Common caught his eye and he headed for the park. His friends had come here a couple of times last summer to watch old movies, share picnics and try and relax after work. The first time he had gone, Rafael had been unable to join due to work. Eventually Matthew and Bryce had grown bored of the movie and snuck off to 'find an adventure' as Bryce had put it. Even though Matthew knew Rafael was at work, he couldn't help looking around the streets in the hope of bumping into him. Right place, right time.

Last summer had been possibly the best of his life. Moving to a new, scary but exciting city, starting his dream job, meeting his colleagues and finding a whole family in some of them. A handsome paramedic flying him above the city and its coastline as it was all washed in gold. Everything was more than Matthew could have ever dreamed. Only a year ago, but sometimes it felt like much longer. Other times it seemed like only yesterday.

This year should have been great; all his good friends nearby, the coveted position of junior fellow on the diagnostics team. He had grown a lot and come out of his shell since his first day, now he had more confidence in himself than ever before. And he was pleased with his success, but since the unexpected reappearance of Sora, shadows had been cast over his heart and mind.

A lump grew in his throat and his heart ache could have been a literal hole in his chest it hurt so much...but tears didn't come. He couldn't seem to manifest them anymore, even though the first few weeks after the break-up they hadn't seemed to stop. In some ways he preferred not being able to cry but now he wished he could. Anything to relieve the pain.

Matthew had tried to move on, really tried. His friends had encouraged him to go out as much as possible. He had thrown himself into his work more than ever before, to the point where Inez had worried that he was in danger of burning out. Hook-ups, dating apps, Bryce and Jackie being his wing man and woman, nothing really worked. Rafael was the only person Matthew had ever truly wanted to be with.

His phone buzzed against his leg and he dug it out of his pocket to find a text from Elijah: 'you about? We are ordering chinese, you in?' Matthew sighed and typed out a reply: 'Go ahead, but Im not very hungry'. He shoved his phone back into his pocket, ignoring the vibrations. He knew he had just thrown up a red flag. He had always been the type to lose his appetite when he was sad, and he hadn't eaten properly for several days after Rafael had chosen Sora. His weight had noticeably dropped, and ever since then his roommates had constantly checked what he was eating and how much he was eating. Sienna in particular would try and push him to second helpings as much as she could. It had been almost a little annoying at times...but it all came from a place of caring.

Not for the first time, Matthew thought about how lucky he had been to find his friends so soon. He had struggled to make lasting friendships in high school and hadn't kept in touch with many people from med school. At best he had hoped for some decent colleagues who could crack cases alongside him and enjoy a drink or two after work. On his first day alone, Bryce and Jackie had casually flirted with him, Jackie helped him revive his patient, Sienna intervened when Ramsey chewed him out, and Elijah had got lost with him somewhere within the hospital. Before he knew it they were living together and their small garden-level apartment quickly became a cosy home. It was everything he needed, even now.

Matthew smiled a little as he recalled an evening at Donahue's from a few months back. He had had some drinks and said 'I love you guys deeply. You've always got my back. I'd have lost my job without you all and I'm so grateful you're here and I don't tell you that enough.' 

Bryce had ruffled his hair and laughed. 'You tell us that every time we get drunk and sometimes when we're sober!'

Letting out a slow breath, Matthew leaned against a tree and looked towards the sky contemplatively. He had already got more than he ever bargained for when moving to Boston, and never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined meeting someone like Rafael. Surely it was enough to have all that even for only a short time than not at all? Not everything would last forever. Maybe his relationship with Rafael was only ever meant to be short and sweet.

As Matthew left the Common and started home he thought back on his previous conversation with Rafael with a twinge of regret. He hadn't meant to fly off the handle and had almost used Rafael's love for his family as a weapon against him. He hadn't meant to but he was sure it had come across that way. Rafael had been genuinely stung by it.

Matthew didn't want that to be their last conversation and he definitely didn't want to be bitter. As he entered his apartment building, he dug his phone out of his pocket, unsurprised by the concerned messages from his friends. He leaned against the wall beside his front door and dialled, holding his breath while it rang...

"Hello?" Rafael's deep voice was breathless.

"Hey, Raf, it's me," said Matthew, relieved. He had half-expected Rafael to ignore his call.

"Matthew!"

"Hey. Listen...I want to apologise for blowing up at you earlier. And for what I said about you leaving your family. I shouldn't have said that, I know you'd never do it."

"That's OK, you were upset. I know it was a bad time..."

"Well, yeah, but you did try to warn me first..."

There was a pause. Then Rafael said, "Well, I hate to say I told you so but...told you so?"

They both laughed. The tension left Matthew's shoulders.

"When do you fly out?" he asked.

"Erm...end of next week," Rafael said, and Matthew winced. So soon. "Hey Matthew, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"When you moved to Boston...you'd never left Colorado, right? I know you'd moved within the state but this was the furthest you've gone?"

"That's right." Matthew frowned. "Are you nervous?"

"...A bit."

"Well, that's to be expected. I was nervous about moving to a different state but you're moving to another country. That's much further than I've ever gone."

Rafael chuckled. "True, but...well, how did you deal with it?"

Matthew thought for a minute. "First of all, don't bottle up the nerves or you'll become a time bomb." Matthew remembered a few weeks before he moved to Boston, he had pretended he was perfectly fine, then his uncle had casually wished him luck in the big city and he had suddenly broken down. "Make sure you talk through it with someone, you'll be surprised at how much it clears your head.

"But also...I knew this was the right decision for me, no matter what. I wanted to be a doctor and that meant going somewhere that would give me the best guidance and training I could get. And I had been inspired by Ramsey and studied his research the most extensively, so that meant applying to Edenbrook." He shrugged.

There was a pause on the other end of the line as Rafael considered this. "So, what you're saying is, you had a goal and moving to Boston was the best way to achieve it? Like, a means to an end?"

"That's right."

"Oh. I just wish I had a clear set career goal like you do," Raf admitted with a nervous laugh.

Stay in Boston and train to be an OT like you once told me you were thinking of doing Matthew thought suddenly. But he refused to say it. This was not about him. "Think of it as a means to an end to finding your dream job?" he suggested instead. "You might step off the plane and walk right into it for all we know." Rafael laughed again, and Matthew smiled wistfully. It was good to hear him laughing.

"Thanks Matthew. That does help."

"Good. And listen, Raf? If you think it's all gone wrong, if you need an escape, if you need anything at all...you'll always have a place to stay with me." He swallowed, the lump coming back into his throat. "I promise. The couch has your name on it."

"Thank you, Matthew," Rafael said fervently. "And the same goes for you. You will always be welcome to visit."

Matthew smiled sadly. "That would be great. But you know what my life is like. I don't have much time for vacation so don't hold your breath too tightly. I won't be happy if I hear you've suffocated." This time when Rafael laughed Matthew joined in.

"I'm...I'm really happy I met you, Matthew," Rafael said. His voice was hesitant, like he wasn't sure if he should say it.

"I'm really happy I met you too," Matthew replied, his voice soft but tender and earnest. Happier than you'll ever know he added silently. Out of nowhere, a tear suddenly welled in his eye and fell down his cheek.

"I'll be back to Edenbrook at least once before I go. I'll see you then?"

"Sure," Matthew said with a resigned smile. "See you around, Raf."

They ended the call.

Matthew sagged against the wall, a few more tears making their way down his face. It felt oddly nice to cry again. And even though it hurt he was glad to have made the call. Rafael had made him so happy, how could he want anything less for him in return? If that meant Rafael leaving Boston to fly to Brazil...so be it. Before his place at Edenbrook had been confirmed, Matthew would sometimes work himself into a state of anxiety worrying about what he would do if he was rejected and stuck in that small town. If Rafael was now feeling that way about Boston, Matthew could not--would not--hold him in bad faith.

Matthew straightened up and wiped his tears, taking a calming breath before he faced his roommates. He would let them take care of him, and then he would go into work and focus on his patients and do what he came to Boston to do: become the best doctor he could be. Meanwhile Rafael would go to Brazil and live and be happy. 

Maybe the sunlight would return when Matthew met someone new.

[gg-astrology]

Sagittarius sun with a Gemini moon? What are your thoughts on how they would be?

Hey there! 💕Here ya go I did my best 💕 I hope you didn’t wait too long ksdjnsk im so sorry ;; 💕💕 im working from bottoms up and only just got to urs 💕

[Below Cut: Sagittarius Sun - Gemini Moon  🧞‍♂️ ]

Clever and lucky...what a good combination to have

I nearly had half the mind to put a clover leaf for this combination because they somehow always seem to get by -- being playful and autonomous, detached and friendly without compromising themselves/binding themselves down completely to anything (belonging to everything).

But i feel like the genie is better-- it talks about the wandering spirit Sagittarius/Gemini has. They touch and go, learn and grow, but without anyone around them who’s consistent/stead-fast throughout their entire life.

These people have the ability to come across as someone who’s incredibly anxious skdjngskn but that in itself is a survival skill, they skrrrt so fast when someone tries to make them stay/figure them out deeper than what they’re willing to show, there’s a fear of vulnerabilities/intimacy that comes with the territory. Because they feel like if they ‘open’ that up--- it’s a whole can of worms that could potentially turn into upsetting their moods, and they are always defined by what mood they’re in.  

They also don’t like it when they themselves are held accountable for their own words/action. Because sometimes they 1) ‘cant remember what they said/thats too specific/detailed/technical’ 

Or 2) did something that they said they weren’t going to do bc they already ‘grew past what they said/that phrase in their life’ even tho it was like-- 15 minutes ago.

Can’t hold them accountable for themselves?? Lack a lil self-discipline which y know, might be endearing to a certain age/expected of the environment -- but in the long-run, the thought of ‘oh god am i going to get anywhere/manifest anything in 10 years’ freaks them out sometimes (causes anxiety to spike) so -- they don’t like to think too hard about these things (selective, with what they’re thinking about/spend their time thinking about. Watch for this)

Which--also directly contributes to why they have a problem with self-discipline. They’d rather wait for these ‘periods’ of anxiety to rise again and again and then subdue them again and again. 

Than --- y know, actually putting it into action/doing something about it realistically (through effort) and help their own future instead.

They’re easily discouraged by set backs too, especially the financial/circumstantial kinds. Any kinds of upsets/mishaps or challenges that comes from those areas makes them spiral directly into despair. That’s why they lack self-discipline somewhat--bc they themselves can’t ‘hold up’ their moods against slight disappointment/challenges made against them.

(A way to help is to learn perseverance, consistency. Look towards Taurus/Earth signs for help. Since they can be dedicated/stead-fast, but lets you have your own autonomy if ONLY you learn how to actually open up and ask them for help without feeling ‘shitty/guilty’ about doing it)  

Another thing they do is just kinda, try to relieve the pressure/tension so they ‘lighten’ it up. One of these coping mechanism can be making it into a joke/divert it away from the severity of the situation 

(It’s not that severe you’ll get along fine with how you are, it’s just-- you’re always going to be stuck in your own ways and always anxious if you don’t gain any stable grounds for yourself too yknow?)

They can sometimes just think of ‘taking action/actually committing to something’ as being personal attacks, and anyone who tries to suggest/teach them to do this is lashed out against bc it ‘restricts their luck/optimism’ (again, their self-preservation and first priority is always their freedom/autonomy and that comes in the territory of ‘mood’ as well. Unable to take any other ‘mood’ other than light and airy, sometimes thinking of things as ‘learning how to cope/accept different moods for yourself and be ok with working on it’ can help) 

Sagittarius/Gemini person have plenty of extroverted/playful persona, someone knows Whats up with people bc they aren’t afraid to dive into it/ask about it. 

That’s like-- the ‘smooth’ persona they use to get by y know? it’s their extroverted persona instead of-- actually doing something for themselves that binds/balance both sides together and actually help lesson their anxiety at it’s core fear. Which is what they kinda have to realize (that it’s all interconnected) 

In a way they can just--- fear not being optimistic and actually having to be ‘down’ about something because the ‘reality’ of their fear is just that. 

Part of them might just be afraid of how others sees them, if they aren’t going to be ‘good’ to themselves/others anymore bc they’re less optimistic than before.

Bounded by the same rules as others (societal expectations/longevity of life). They’d rather ‘represent’ something else-- hope, optimism, but y know. Same problem anyways. The anxiety and ‘diversion’ from the norm will only make them feel like they can’t ever....actually face their problems/starting at ground 0 again (feels like it’s too late to start, which is-- a part of their fear again) 

I think--- hmm, the thing that might help Sagittarius/Gemini is to just take it simply. They’re the type of person who likes to taste, to explore a large variety of experience, themes, hobbies, life. But they’re unaware that they’re pretty constrained in their-- well, emotional health? Their moods?

They take what they want, preach but doesn’t learn as much as they think they do. They’re selective in what they want to learn about, what they’re ‘ready’ for. And sometimes-- the hardest lesson in life is learning the things that are ‘truthful’ and ‘helpful’ which might not be-- all fun and nice all the times.

By learning the values in hard lessons, in accepting the sober and uncomfortable ‘moods’-- they’ll be much better adapted at handling/dealing with their anxious energy as well. 

Ok that’s-- that’s very heavy, let’s move onto some other stuff!

These people are Chatty, but like...has so much going on they need some time away too skdnfksn

Sagittarius/Gemini sometimes feel like their mouth/brain moves faster than what they can control (causes restlessness/frustration)...so if they leave themselves to like, socialize for more than 24 hrs at a time they’re going to come back going ‘oh god why did i say that/what have i done’

Frustration at themselves for oversharing/hit-the-wall feeling of having nothing left to share??? Mutable energy has so much energy that it often makes their strongest ‘frustration’ letting themselves ‘go’ too much 

(Because if they have ‘nothing left to share’ then that only means they’ll have to be repetitive and god they hate that. It’s not new/fresh and it’s not-- it’s not contributing to anything)

Thus why they seek to sometimes hide themselves away, be away from people in order to y know-- gather resources/energy to NOT be too much/expend their energy too much on the outside (and also lowkey to not Make a Fool also)

This is from an outsider’s perspective but also like....I’m always conscious thinking about Gemini as the Twin and it’s not just one side to them y know

I think we tend to think Gemini as being extroverted all the time when it’s not usually like that. They’re the twin...it’s a cycle... there’s two sides to the coin that needs to be processed

Their energy works in a cycle, continuous and moving, the twin isn’t just speaking out-loud/alone, it’s speaking/looping between two people. 

If they don’t spend enough time thinking/gaining resource/fuel they over-share because they over-exert themselves....when they spend too much time internalizing/adding things onto their resources they get frustrated, restless, antsy and wants to ‘explode’ this onto social realm

So it’s like....they gotta be in a ‘Moment’ where they can both gain resources/information and process/drop the information in a continuous cycle -- quicker, constant, faster y know (Mercurial sign) 

Instead of ‘stopping’ the motion and ‘pacing’ themselves-- the Sagittarius/Gemini is all about working at a faster pace than the one the world moves at....the one that if ‘man-made’ or controlled, would be detrimental to them

It’s a mixture of Sagittarius fire impulses, ‘doing’ things making them feel productive (and so not depriving them of those gratification by dropping them slower than normal) and then Gemini being naturally fast moving already-- being able to gather large (jupiter) information and then process them/cycling them through (release- mercury) is how they gain gratification/work perfectly in balance with themselves

Thing is-- they work --- super fast, faster than most people operate so it can be hard for others to keep up and keep them stimulated all the time

That’s ok, since Sagittarius/Gemini wouldn’t mind talking to just -- like, anyone. When they need to anyways. With great communicative ability, eloquence and friendliness/open-ness to them, they make others feel welcomed to talk. Even when they’re normally quiet/with-drawn mostly bc the Sagittarius/Gemini keeps the conversation going for them.

The thing is, Sagittarius/Gemini may rarely keep anyone around. Or rather, they sometimes ‘forget’ about people sometimes bc they move along so quickly and boldly-- and they judge others based on the interactions they’ve had, whether they’ve ‘stuck’ around in their mind or not. So it’s--- it can be kind of hard to think these people would belong anywhere, find anyone they truly stay ‘stuck’ with unless the person would be able to listen to them/keep up with them mentally a lot of the time.

Also these people aren’t afraid to be eccentric, they have good judgement. It might be a lil quirky or different, but Jupiter/Mercury never find joy in the TOTALLY conventional anyways.

And if they like something, they just-- keep doing it, keep pursuing it because it gives them stimuli (hobbies/interest) although they can have a large array of interests--as long as they’re ‘doing’ something physically with it they can keep themselves engaged/make it into a quantifiable project (see the results: the multitude of their craft/project at the end and look back on themselves like ‘wow i did this all in this year’) 

That’s the thing isn’t it? They like seeing quantifiable ‘proof’ that they did something productive (fire moon-physical proof) -- they like to see that, although they are careless and forgetful sometimes. They did amount to something in the end.

It all comes down to-- y know, learning lessons. self-discipline. because you can’t keep closing your eyes, blinding painting random swatches and hoping it’ll turn out into something manifestable/painting that’s ‘oh thats better than expected!’ all the time y know. (you can’t keep seeing disasterous results as ‘aw thats ok :(( maybe next time’ when you’re just?? depending on luck?? to get by???)

Anyways, I hope I didn’t go in too hard ;;  💕💕💕Hope you gain some insights from this! 💕💕

[vaughnye-west]

today’s brain narrative

June 11 2018  - well here I am in Lola trying to apply to some jobs and find some work. Garrett just called inviting me to postinos to celebrate scottie becoming official at her new job, with  sokme wine and cheese and brushcetta however the fuck you spell that. Asked me if I wanted to bring a friend and I don’t really have anyone to bring, and I think they were kind of insinuating a lady friend, which that is just as far as a regular fucking friend, as I have neither. But so it goes. Need to strive to make friends and meet people and meet new people as painful and scary as that may be to actually talk to some one and be whoever the fuck I am and bear myself. But it cant be worse than I am right now, a lonely fucking mess confined to a fucking apartment. Holy fiuckinng shit vaughn cmon. pursue your dreams-what fucking dreams are those? hell if i know. idk what im supposed to be doing at all on a given day, so unsure am I of the fucking being and living situation I am in I barely remember to feed and bathe myself let alone see people meet people and be interesting to other peoples lives. Really am going to try to not be a downer hanging out with them this evening though I am feeling pretty fucking sad today, especially since I haven’t had my daily escape, my daily toke. Not to mention they are playing bon iver or some other emotional mellow shit in here to make it seem even more gloomy than it fucking is. How weird is it to be sitting in this coffee shop with not that many people, all sitting at different tables and not talking to each other, cause god forbid you fucking talked to someone you didn’t know. Shiiit. What I journaled about earlier today is important though, taking a break from pot smoking so I can address the awful things in my life that are making me so upset and unhappy. When I hang out with garrett and scottie I am never coming up with the plan or taking the initiative. It is always them. But why is it that way? I am just as capable of inviting them over to my place for some catan or some shit as going over there, or inviting them out to a bar or to coffee or whatever. Its this weird thing in my head that I don’t want to impose or something, im lonely as fuck but have difficulty reaching out to people that I even fucking love. Like whats up twith that? Why do I feel that way? It has been a while since I have had a caffeine induced writing frenzy in here, but high time. First sober day as in not smoking in a fucking while. Seriously though this music is too goddamn emotionall practically making me want to cry right now. What you like and dislike, what you think is cool is determined by your immediate social structure, and it is really hard to figure out what is cool and interesting if you are by yourself all the titme, its difficult without that social structure to determine my wants and desires, to strive for more experiences. I need to be more confident in myself and my perceived passions though, pursuing them even if there are no fucking friends to share the cool shit im doing with. Do cool shit alone, its not that crazy. Im so young. Im so fucking young and could do so many things and yet I feel almost disabled…no not the right word, like paralyzed or petrified at the sheer possibility of it all. Really need to begin networking and message people that I want to create with. To even have the ability to possibly create with. God I feel like im in this constant state of stress of not living up to something I guess, like a job or my parents expectations or my personal expectations. I mean maybe you do a job you don’t like for a little while, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world you’ve done it before in zion working the goddamn cashier like a fucking monkey, you could do more shit you don’t like to do. Or you could just do shit you do like to do. What is the worst that could happen, really? What if you pursued it full force. Maybe part of the pressure or despair I feel is that I ma not doing that, pursuin it full force. Think about rory standing outside rob dyrdeks fantasy factory…are you ready to be that level of crazy? Don’t think so. You gotta be willing to put yourself out there and take some big risks, that’s fucking life! Your 22 fucking years old grow the fuck up aready and start doing shit you want to do, life is to short to do shit you don’t fucking want to do so you need to get off your ass and pursue it for sucks sake stop playing fuckinng videogames you piece of shit. It is no good to demean yourself and I know that but fucking come the fuck on goddamnit. You’ve been living the same fucking hellish day over and over again for no reason, you have the power to change it yet you just don’t. it is perplexing like why don’t I do that? How do I do that? I need some people to bounce ideas off of and go out with and meet people and not be alone. Feel like im going fucking crazy im so goddamn lonely right now. I need some sense of purpose in life some fucking drive cause right now I don’t really have any. Im not sure what to do. Ive never been more unsure in my life. Yet I have to do something to provide for myself. But what is that? What will make me fulfilled and less fucking lonely? That is the biggest problem right now-----oh just had a realization, I feel so lonely and that is because I play videogames watch youtube and Instagram and jack off. Stop. Those three things well four if you count weed im giving up for a bit to focus on real life. Ill use ig to post and that’s it. Need to buckle down and be judicious of how I spend my time. What are things I don’t like about myself that I keep doing? Well, jacking off playing video games and browsing through youtube and Instagram are paramount to all of those. So I have a stop doing list. Whats next…going to look up the start doing list now from tim ferris or whoever the fuck wrote it. What I was saying back there a little bit though is that when I am in social situations part of me wants to have accomplished some awesome creative work to share with them and for them to be like wow vaughn so cool youre so cool. Its like you can be a work in progress with people you can be yourself this is a self imposed idea of perfection or something to yourself. Like let yourself be social and be in the moment. Be in the fucking drivers seat-go meet people and talk to them and see what theyre like, see if they like to take photos and videos and don’t be so fucking sheepish about it, just get into your soul and realize this is what you want to do and want to be, and don’t second guess yourself in that moment. Have that microsecond of courage to do it. Like when you ask a girl out and the words are caught in your throat and then they tumble out somehow through you, they just happen through that microsecond of courage that you had. Why am I too goddamn shy. Its kind of like I have some turmoil in my belly or something that I need to be doing something but am not sure what im supposed to be doing. Fuck I hate that feeling.

[wanderingsatanist]

SAME AS BEFORE

its too windy outside, too windy to smoke a cigarette. i wonder if that’s going to stop me? 

im finishing my bottle of wine, and thats a pretty melancholic moment if im being honest. its sad to know that, for the moment, ill have no other source of relief. the weed has been smoke, the liquor drank. 

for the moment, i am suspended in the midpoint between fantasy and reality. i see the world, but i cant experience it. i can recognize faces, feel the wind as it blows on my arm. but none of it feels real. as my brain is trying to recover from the constant shades of abuse i subject it to, my body is left completely idle. its almost like im still high even though it should have worn off days ago. 

do i want to stop? its a question i ask myself every day, for years now, and i still cant formulate a proper answer. i dont know if i want to. i cant take my poison in moderation, thats outside of who i am. when i start flying i want to make it all the way to the moon. i have little self-control, it seems. 

so, that either means i continue how ive been for the last few months, or i stop. stopping never lasts, i know this from past experiences, but even the initial STOP can be a grueling, and sometimes unrealistic, expectation. to not get high when you first wake up, ignore the drink after work. its a change of habit, and i cant believe people can live their lives without this dilemma. how is it so addiction doesnt rule their lives? how is it that they dont need to drink when they hang out with friends, or smoke during a get together? meeting with someone doesnt automatically mean youre out to get high. im just- what? that was an ingrained part of any social interaction since i was fourteen, and the fact that some people dont experience the same pressure or the same dependency is just...really mind boggling to me. 

i live in a community where having a dutch is common greetings. “im upset.” “have you gotten high?” “i wanna have fun tonight.” “should i bring the liq?” 

it attacked my family, my friends, everyone i know and come to know. but, as i grow older and explore more of the world, i realize that my area is not so different from the rest of the world. as i said in a previous post, were all more than desperate to numb ourselves out of the real world. to die without the death, the permanency. 

i think of who i wouldve been if i never got started. the power, intelligence, wisdom...all wasted, and for what? i started before i realized the consequence, and by the time i came to recognize them i was already too far in deep. i think of the people who stay sober despite everything else--peer pressure because that shit is real and family genetics and how everyone in the world and on tv and social media seem to live to get fucked up--are some of the most powerful in the world. they dont have this fucking chip on their shoulder, all of what they create, whether that be music or art or writing, doesnt have to have the influence of the fucking devil on their side. because thats what this is, right? the devil? it seems so great at first, enticing, a home away from home, until it comes crashing and you realize you have a tab you couldnt possibly pay. all of the fun of getting lit and downing shots and smoking loud doesnt come without a price, and for some that price is fucking steep. 

i went to aa before, when the dependence on alcohol was fairly new but still my family were painfully aware. it was in a community center that they closed for the night, and bed sheets and pillow cases covered the windows. not in a skeezy basement, and there was no circle of chairs and weeping people, a little podium up front with an ex-addict like they do in the movies. the chairs were all aligned and pointed forward, like students during an assembly. there was the ex-addict host, and she sat before us like a god on their throne, handing out chips to those who made it twenty-four hours. a week. a month. six months. a year. 

when people had stories to share, theyd stand and everyone would be forced to look. well, not forced. youd think social pressure would be enough to glance at the speaker but for a few people it isnt. i remember getting pissed when i looked over and saw a woman fucking knitting. can you believe that? someone is telling their most sensitive secrets, most shameful side of themselves, and shes fucking knitting like shes being forced to come and doesnt give even the slightest bit of a fuck about anyone outside of her little, insignificant world. i thought it was completely disrespectful. 

this post is getting long, and my wine is officially finished. i have nothing else keeping me from my demons now, haha. how fun. oh well. im going to take a bath and try to not slit my wrist. 

until next time...

[jeffatk1ns]

Glass Shards - Zach Dempsey x Reader

Request - “Could you do an imagine where the reader and Zach get into an argument and then they go to Bryce’s house to hang out with everyone and the reader gets super drunk…”

(Obviously our look into Zach’s home life isn’t majorly in depth, and they probably aren’t like this, but for the purposes of this fic I am making them this way.)
 A loud bang erupted through your room, from you slamming the door.

“Please don’t open that door, Zach.” You shouted at your boyfriend through the other side of the door. But he opened it anyway.

“I just don’t understand why you’re so angry about this? It doesn’t matter.” Zach’s voice was raised.

“It does fucking matter. It does. You weren’t me. You didn’t see the way your mum looked at me as if she’d never seen me in her life. Because she hadn’t! As if I haven’t been your girlfriend for the past THREE MONTHS!” You yelled across at him.

“But I told you! If I told them about you they would make me break up with you!” Pleaded Zach. “I told you it doesn’t matter what they think, I love you, why should they need to know that?”

“Yes. You told me AFTER I made a complete and utter fucking fool of myself at your house. What? Did you just hope your parents would never be in when I came round? Or is that why you only invite me round when no ones there? Oh, how was I so stupid! Of course it was!” You ranted.

“No that’s n-”

“It feels like you don’t give a single shit about me right now. You don’t understand how mortifying that was. ANY kind of preparation for that would’ve helped. But I was bare - you made me feel completely emotionally naked.”

“Y/N- please just listen-”

“Zach, just go.”

“Y/N-”

“I’ll see you at Bryce’s.” You spat, turning from him so he wouldn’t see you cry. You heard him exhale through his nose, and then drag his feet out of your bedroom.

—-

Pulling at your shirt nervously, as you often did, you neared the impressive house before you. After finding out his mother, and consequently entire family, knew nothing of your existence, and then the argument that followed, you were apprehensive to see Zach. This had been your first real fight since you had gotten together, and you were scared. Because although you were extremely mad at him, you didn’t want this to be the end.

You slowly moved your hand to the door knob and exhaled heavily, tonight would be the illuminating moment on whether or not this was it.

The party was alive with the stench of alcohol perforating your nostrils and the close atmosphere closing in on you. You hoped maybe to avoid Zach the whole time, and not have to face whatever was coming. And - you were gonna get absolutely shitfaced.

Because Bryce had only invited the few of you to hang around his, there was A LOT of alcohol to go around, and you were planning to take full advantage of that.

“Hey, Y/N!” Greeted Bryce. “Come in, Zach’s already here.” Clearly Zach hadn’t mentioned what had happened.

The room you entered had a few people sat around the sofa area, and Jess trying to make Justin dance- who was obviously not drunk enough yet.

“Hey.” You walked over to Jess, trying to pretend you had not yet seen Zach, who was sat on the sofa next to Monty.

“Hey there!” She smiled at you. “Come dance! Justin is being such a kill.” She whined at Justin drunkly.

“I will in a bit, I’m going to get a drink first.”

—–

After a few shots of vodka, you started feeling the desired buzz. So you decided to take Jess up on her previous offer, and dance with her. The two of you danced for what felt like hours, swinging your hips and whipping your hair about, not to mention finding everything completely hilarious and doing a few more shots throughout.

You felt a hand on your back as you were pouring yourself a drink. You turned to reveal Zach.

“Y/N, I think you should maybe slow down.” He proposed.

You scoffed. Who did he think he was. “Why the hell should I listen to you?”

“Because I care about you.” He reasoned.

“Bullshit. I can do what I want, Zach.” you countered.

“Im not saying you can’t. I’m saying you’re clearly upset and drinking will only make it worse.”

“How the hell would you know?”

“Because I’ve been there. You haven’t- you’re not a drinker. This isn’t you!” He pleaded.

“Honestly just fucking leave me alone. You don’t care enough about me to not be embarrassed by me- so I’ll save you the trouble and ask you to stay away.” You spat.

“I don’t want to stay away, Y/N, you’re not getting this!” He tensed his jaw.

“Zach! Please just fuck off right now?!”

“Fine, maybe I will.” And with that, he backed out the room, with a sad look on his face.

“I should’ve been more prepared for you breaking my heart. Guess I was stupid, as usual.” You said more to yourself.

—–

Later, after what was maybe your eighth shot, you rejoined Jess - only to have your legs betray you, and you fell into a glass cabinet. A big, expensive, breakable glass cabinet.

The following moments were a series of events in quick succession, of which you were unsure due to your intoxication. But what you were sure of, was the feeling of someone’s arms around you. The next thing you noticed was that you were sporting red liquid in some places, which didn’t quite click to you yet as blood, or if It did, you didn’t care enough. And then you realised that a few moments ago someone had been shouting your name. Zach was carrying you in his arms outside somewhere. You were too drunk to protest, so you let him take you into the empty summerhouse and lay you onto to sofa. Then he perched beside you.

“Y/N…” he groaned at your silliness. “How do you feel?”

“Okay, what are you doing?” You slurred in response.

“Cleaning you up. Falling into a large glass surface can cause problems.” He chuckled .

“Oh no…Bryce…expensive…”

“Fuck Bryce. He can afford another. I care way more about you.” He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and opened up the first aid kit he must’ve grabbed on the way out. Looking down at your hands as Zach made movements towards them, you noticed just how much blood was spilling out of your right palm and screamed in shock.

“Shh, it’s okay, Y/N. You used that hand to break your fall, so it’s worse off than the rest of you.” He gently held it in his hand, palm up, before soaking some kind of alcohol solution on it. You winced at the pain, but it was muted due to the alcohol you’d consumed. You wouldn’t like to imagine how this would feel sober. The alcohol solution cleared any excess blood, leaving Zach to see what the hand was really like.

There were a few small lumps of glass, but the injuries themselves were not too bad at all, given the fall.

Zach removed the glass lumps using tweezers, comforting you each time you would wince or jump. He then applied some antiseptic and bandaged around your hand.

“I mean, I’m not saying you could write a symphony or anything on it, but it’s almost as good as new.” He smiled down at you, taking the injured hand into his own and tracing it very gently.

“Thank you, Zach.”

“You’re wasted, im going to get you some water, I’ll be back in a second.” Zach placed your hand on your stomach before leaving the room.

He was true to his word, and it wasn’t long before he had returned.

“Here,” he passed you a glass of water, you took it willingly. After a big gulp, you realised he’d spent a long time here looking after you.

“Why are you helping me? I’ve been horrible tonight.”

“You had good reason. What I did was shit. I’m telling my family that you are my girlfriend and that i love you as soon as I get home, I’m not going to let anything they say stop us from being together - if you’ll still have me?” He smiled nervously at you.

“Of course I will dummy.” You tried to roll your eyes at him. “I obviously was mad, but I didn’t want this to be the end.”

“I think you’re the dummy…” he laughed, taking the fingers of your injured hand into his.

“Kiss me.” You looked up at him through your lashes. He leant down and placed his lips on your forehead gently.

“When you’ve sobered up.” He explained, playing with a strand of your hair.

“I’m sober!” You sulked, even though you very clearly weren’t.

“Whatever you say Y/N/N.”

—-

One of the pieces Zach had removed from your hand left a scar, leaving a constant reminder for you of a glass shard and the boy you loved.

[kendrixtermina]

I had another dream with my father in it

I haven’t had one in MONTHS WTF I thought I was over it

So thing I is I used to get these dreams where my father humiliates me, be it by yelling or by telling lies to my family members. Like I always had these various dreams where he would just turn everybody against me.

There were a few times in my teens where I got home & everyone acted angry with me for no reason & then turns out he’d accused me of some exxagerated or made-up offense, everything I did or said would be twisted into a personal insult he was donald trump levels of a petty toddler I tell ya. I’d be sad & angry because of his constant insults (and just don’t have a socially perceptive personality like, fuck you this is my normal face!) & then he’d be deathly insulted that I didn’t smile at or greet him & throw a big tantrum that affected the whole family.

He was the sort who would explode at us children to get back at my mom, & would be cruel to my mom & siblings when he was angry at me. 

ARGH I was supposed to see my councellor yesterday but he had to bail (presumably got sick or something) & now I really wish I could talk to him

The sad thing is it wasn’t even most of the dream and the rest of it was actually pretty cool. 

 I was driving home in a videogameih formular one car that also flew & there were also some flying boats and it was surprisingly fun like I’d hit a pedal and fly. I don’t remember the event I was driving home from but it was evidently cool as I remember texting my family about how cool it was  but it was not the usual whatsApp it had a purple background & a different system of colorful nametags with ‘@’s.. pretty much functionally whats App though.Possibly a concert I just knew I traveled far.

On the way, I stopped near a church/castle being and looked down a cliff, and there was this mountain with church like carvings & I wasn’t sure which side is up but you could see this wall or ground full of buildings & carvings all in gothic style like some really cool trippy stuff /“Giant Building” thing like my bes dreams sometimes have and I basically looked at it & was impressed.

On the way home, I considered contining to watch this show I’d been watching with my BF or doing so the next day (I actually may do that tomorrow, great idea dream self) and there were some themed mythical-ish visuals related & then I reached our bed (somehow a mix of our current bed and my old one at my mom’s attic) So far the dream was emotionally neutral or even fun/cool. 

Then, I hear the door open, assuming it’s my BF buz it’s actually my parents, with my mom feebly trying to get him not to rage & he’s his usually angry redfaced gorilla self. He just barges in as if it’s my teenage room jut the same casual disregard four boundaries or privacy as ever just flauntingly invading my space with a loud slam of the door, & when I ask what he’s doing here he shoves a phone into my face and going “How dare you text everybody except me!”, like one of his usual petty things where he’d contruct lack of overt enthusiasm into me “insulting/snubbing” him & throw a toddler tantrum over it / told exaggerated lies to my folks, & he was just yelling & raging & insulting & shaming me like he usually does... and that was enough of a shock to wake me up like I realize it doesn’t sound like much but in the dream it was somewhat chilling. 

Like when you look at it with a sober waking mind its really silly,  man coming into my & my boyfriends’s flat to complain at me, it’s not objectively scary, but it threw me or a loop like, when some setback happens I guess I sometimes get this thought where I wonder if I’ve really improved at all or if I wouln’t have been better off staying in my mother’s attick where I can’t screw anything up.... I mean even now I can tell how I don’t even think like that anymore in day to day life. 

Maybe it’s for a harmless reason, like Church/Old Castles reminding me of Hospitals (He’s a surgeon) & then I got the thought that someone was gonna see him & tell me where I was. Maybe my consciousness just stumbled into an old unrenovated brain loop & now I feel like I might fall back into doubting everything again

Or maybe because my bae and I were discussing a shitty manipulative friend of his that gor herself in trouble & we were discussing how to damage control without being caught up in the falout & her behaviors were like ugh... & she said some things that were brazenly arrogant maybe that reminded me of my father. He’s very aware that shes got a bad character but being a good & conscientious person he wants to help her, but I kinda feel she’s not really interested in changing & just taking advantage of his sense of responsibility...

UGH. I need to do my meditation, that’s what I need. I took this nap because I tried earlier & was too tired & now this happened. Like it’s not like im seriously upset but its just enough of a little spiky pebble in my mood. Why is that bastard still lurking in my subconscious or whatever I want him out of there. It’s like he’s lurking there like some bizarre anti-policeman,  “no hapiness allowed, don’t you dare be happy or else if there’s any unauthorized happiness in your life I will hurt you & take away everything you like”. Like he literally said many times that I was ruining his lie & not allowed to have anything I like. Like, it hurts. Its hurts damnit, and I haven’t even spoken to the bastard in years... 

I don’t know what this is trying to tell me. I have indeed never texted him or otherwise communicated with him & its been great like, without him to triangulate everything I get much more enjoyment out of my mom & siblings like we actually get along better since I moved out. Dear subconscious f you have any guilt about that you better stop because it doesn’t remotely logic. I deserve good things as much as the next person thank you very much! UGH stay out of my naps bastard. 

UGH now that the shit is vented lets consult some relaxing youtube music to purge it, how about 20 minutes of  “ultimate chillout”? 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”. 

[lovelyanddespised]

I have had almost no free time and very little energy lately. Schedule is full to the gills with AA, CA, NA, SLA, SAIOP, community service, work, step work & sponsor meetings, and now electronic text therapy on TalkSpace. What follows is a message i sent to my therapist that i think pretty well describes some of the things going on with me lately.

***

I welcome you sharing your clinical opinion and personal experience and value that perspective; I feel like i have the wherewithal right now to assess and incorporate it into my life as I see fit; it isn't an imposition. Yesterday I spoke with my counselor at SAIOP and he agreed that having a sponsor with at least a year and preferably multiple years is the best way to go. I'm happy to hear my perspective on quality over speed with regard to step work is something you agree with. I actually got a chance to facilitate group yesterday at SAIOP and share some of my experience in recovery and found that my peers seemed interested and engaged in what i had to say. Also i felt smart and proud of what i shared; i am just now starting to feel capable of giving away what was so freely given to me, and this was also the first thing that felt like 'service' i have done.

About my sponsor: i don't like him very much, we don't have a personal rapport, and i think his capacity to sponsor is suspect. Like I said, when i confronted him i told him i appreciated his intention to nudge and that i respond well to direct criticism, even if it's not gentle (what you might call tough love) but that his text just felt passive aggressive and like he was trying to just make me feel guilty and belittle my efforts at recovery. I appreciated him apologizing but i still feel that way. If i called him while being triggered to drink i would expect him to answer the phone, which is good, but to have little to offer other than AA platitudes and truisms, which are also sometimes good but which i tend to resent for their shallowness and generality. I chose him and started working with him 100% due to the fact that SLA pressured me to get a sponsor immediately or face consequences. I have stayed with him this far because the conventional wisdom shared with me is to be mostly acquiescent to one's sponsor and not bounce around if you can help it, and that has left me kind of stuck in this weird inert place. We are going to meet tomorrow at CA and i am still debating whether or not to let him know i would like to work the steps with someone else. In the middle of Step 4 is not somewhere i want to be for any longer than necessary, and part of me wants to at least finish that (and maybe 5) before letting him go. I have another friend in AA who is willing to work with me who has a few years sober and who i get along with better. Another thing on my mind is that when I move away from Charlotte i will need to change sponsors, another thing likely contributing to my inertia. And I plan to move away from Charlotte as soon as possible, as soon as i have been in SLA the required 6 months, which will be (god willing) in 86 days. Im also thinking more and more lately about what i will do when i move away. More than a relapse prevention plan; who will i live with (or will i live alone), in what city, working what job. I know moving can be a trigger and i want to have as smooth a transition as possible planned, but could use advice and suggestions. And as far as IOP i feel way more validated seen and understood there than when i work w my sponsor. A theme of concern lately has been: how do i harmonize the imperatives from all around? My IOP counselor tells me to fire my sponsor, my sponsor says IOP isn't recovery and SLA is a scam, AA provides guidance to spiritual development that my religious mentor dismisses as inadequate and unholy, and thia therapy gets me talking and i feel heard which i love and believe this dialog is worthwhile but neither AA nor SLA nor my religion puts very much stock in it, and at worst describes therapy as a pity party for people who feel sorry for themselves. Obviously this is really acute and fresh for me. It affects me deeply because i (maybe naievely) truly believe eaxh of these traditions and contexts and modalities has my growth health and safety at heart, and i don't want to forsake any good intentions. But i do want the wisdom the serenity prayer talks about, so its a challenge.

Weekend was pretty uneventful and regular, community service and an NA meeting all day Saturday, work and an SLA meeting all day Sunday. SLA remains hostile and upsetting and the more sober time i get the more i worry being a resident here will cause me to relapse because of the constant drama, tension, threats, staff changes, bullshit (in order to get to NA on Saturday i sat on the floor of the 15-passenger van with 17 other residents while one yelled and berated us about sobriety apropos of nothing) and general instability. My plan is to stick it out until the end, and so i avoid the residents and staff here as mich as i can. Because when i do i feel at ease and safer. Which to me seems counterintuitive because i am allegedly a member of an intentionally sober community whose residents help each other stay sober. So i try not to think about it too much.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

[energctic]

⏳ ⏳ ⏳ ⏳ + any of your students

♡ . ◜  meme  ⁞  for  every  “⏳”  i  receive,  my  muse  will  openly  talk  a bit  about  their  backstory.♡ . ◜  accepting  ⁞  yes.

♡ . ◜  ONE  ON  ONE  INTERVIEW  WITH  ⁞  PARK CHEOL

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ❛  What  more  do  you  expect  to  get  out  of  a  kid  who  grew  up  in  the  suburbs  with  two  filthy  rich  parents  ?  Just  picture  your  typical  perfect  household  with  the  cute,  white  picket  fences  and  -  and  the  huge  backyard  with  a  dog  running  around.  Now  that  you’ve  seen  the  expectation,  here’s  the  reality  ;  that  home  was  filled  with  nothing  but  lies.  I  remember  when  my  dad  told  my  mother  and  I  that  he’d  be  back.  Never  said  where  he  was  going,  never  bothered  to  give  a  specific  date,  just  kept  us  ━  me  in  the  dark.  You  wanna  know  something  funnier  ?  My  mother  said  the  exact  same  thing  to  me  when  I  was  10  ...  little  did  I  know  that  that  meant  she  was  abandoning  me,  too.  People  always  thought  I  was  just  a  mean-spirited  kid,  full  of  hate  and  wanted  to  do  nothing  more  than  to  ruin  the  other's  day.  They  weren’t  wrong,  though.  That  didn’t  mean  I  intended  to  hurt  that  kid  ...  didn’t  mean  to  send  him  to  the  hospital,  didn’t  mean  to  almost  ━  you  know  what  ?  Why  the  fuck  am  I  speaking  about  this  anyway.  Not  like  anyone  will  care.  Nobody  ever  did.  ❜

♡ . ◜  ONE  ON  ONE  INTERVIEW  WITH  ⁞  IM  SUNHYUK.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ❛  Maybe  I  set  myself  up  for  the  title  that  I  was  given  by  everyone  ;  always  smiling,  joking,  it  was  like  you  can  never  catch  me  being  upset  about  something.  I  thought  it  was  normal,  ya  know  ?  Being  the  happy  go  lucky  type  of  guy,  the  one  you  can  always  count  on  to  be  there  for  you  no  matter  the  weather.  Was  it  weird  ?  To  have  a  mental  breakdown  one  minute  but  as  soon  as  a  friend  of  yours  texts  you  I  need  someone  to  talk  to  you’re  sobering  up  and  heading  over  to  comfort  them  ?  I  never  had  that  comfort  ...  especially  not  from  my  step  mother.  That  woman  ...  man,  and  I  thought  I  was  the  child  in  that  house.  She  could  have  sworn  up  and  down  that  my  anxiety  was  just  a  cover  up  for  me  missing  for  father  a  lot.  Of  course  that  was  part  of  the  reason  why  I  started  to  have  nightmares  and  began  having  panic  attacks,  I  mean  come  on  !  The  man  dropped  dead  in  front  of  me.  So  I  started  believing  her.  My  personal  problems  were  just  stupid,  didn’t  need  to  be  brought  up.  No  one  knows  of  my  daily  medication  that  need  to  be  organized  by  day,  or  therapy  sessions,  or  constant  blackouts.  As  long  as  I  appear  happy,  everyone  around  me  will  to.  I’m  sorry,  what  were  we  talking  about  again  ?  ❜

♡ . ◜  ONE  ON  ONE  INTERVIEW  WITH  ⁞  YEONGSIK KYE.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ❛  I  remember  when  my  mom  called  me  a  joke  when  I  brought  up  my  idea  of  being  a  magician  at  the  age  of  6.   My  father  told  me  to  not  take  it  to  heart,  never  take  anything  she  said  to  heart.  I  remember  when  I  was  10  and  my  mother  told  me  I  was  a  dumb  piece  of  shit  because  I  got  second  place  in  the  spelling  bee.  Once  again,  my  dad  said  to  never  listen  to  her.  When  I  told  them  both  that  I  was  bisexual,  she  said  I  was  disgusting  and  smashed  a  wine  bottle  on  the  back  of  my  head.  He  told  me,  while  tending  to  my  bruises,  with  the  weakest  smile  on  his  face,  don’t  believe  her.   My  dad  told  me  I  was  gonna  go  far,  that  I  was  gonna  be  something  important  in  life.  How  come  I  didn’t  ?  Right  now  I’m  known  as  the  fuckboy  on  the  campus,  the  dude  that  has  most  likely  ran  through  three  teams  and a  couple  of  professors  who  has  no  real  ambition  of  finishing  school.  Maybe  it’s  because  I  had  no  choice  but  to  believe  that  wrenched  bitch  I  called  a  mother.  In  the  end  we  both  knew  we’d  be  stuck  with  each  other  and  his  words  of  encouragement  would  no  longer  be  there.  So  it  wasn’t  no  surprise  that  at  his  funeral  ...  she  blamed  me  for  killing  him  ...  I’m sorry,  I  didn’t  mean  to  laugh  just  now,  it’s  just  that  ...  I  let  that  snake  get  to  me.  Her  poisonous  bite  finally  got  in  my  mainstream  and  I’ve  been  losing  it  ever  since  ...  can  we  wrap  this  up  now  ?  I  no  longer  feel  good.  ❜

♡ . ◜  ONE  ON  ONE  INTERVIEW  WITH  ⁞  KANG YOHAN.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ❛  You  can’t  play  with  that.  You  can’t  touch  that,  that’s  not  meant  to  be  played  with  by  boys.  Why  is  your  favorite  color  yellow,  that’s  a  feminine  color   ━  like  can  you  imagine  how  bad  9  year  old  me  wanted  to  just  shout  shut  the  fuck  up  !  ?  My  god, I  hated  that  damn  apartment  more  that  my  mother  hated  me  wanting  to  learn  how  to  bake  instead  of  learning  martial  arts.  It  sucked,  growing  up  with  a  very  religious  and  strict  woman  who  was  too  engulfed  by  the  standards  of  gender  roles  to  understand  her  child.  I  used  to  despise  Christmas  because  of  her.  I  took  my  precious,  younger  me’s  time  to  write  out  those  long  ass  lists  just  to  get  nothing  on  it.  I  wanted  a  Barbie  ?  Nope,  Hot  Wheels  instead.  Jump  rope  ?  Basketball  goal  instead.  Sparklers  on  the  4th  of  July  ?  You  bet  your  ass  I  had  the  loudest  fireworks  instead  because  sparklers  were  too  girly.  My  friends  understood,  their  parents  understood,  teachers  even  got  the  hint  to  not  categorize  me  as  a  boy  or  a  girl  when  doing  activities  so  why  couldn’t  she  ?  You  can  only  imagine  what  went  down  when  I  told  my  doctor  that  I  didn’t  specify  with  a  certain  gender  with  her  right  there  with  me.  She  nearly  had  a  heart  attack.  It  was  no  surprise  though  that  she  kicked  me  out.  Age  14,  now  homeless.  Crazy,  right  ?  So  yeah,  fuck  my  childhood  and  everything  that  came  with  it  basically.  Are  we  done  discussing  this  bullshit  now  ?  ❜

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems.