#and it's - 'it's queer!' is - certainly not a recommendation that would make me leap on something it is something that would mildly

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Good Place: Whenever You're Ready (4x13/14)

Okay yeah I cried cried cried. That was powerful.

Cons:

I don't really have the heart to nitpick and critique this finale. It was as good an ending to a TV show as I've seen in a very long time.

I guess... I wish it was longer?

Pros:

Just conceptually, this version of the afterlife is so freakin' gorgeous and ideal and even though I'm an atheist and don't think there's an afterlife, I... hope this is what the afterlife is like?

It just... works, on every conceivable level. Think about it. You die, and then you get to go through simulations where you learn about yourself, where you learn to improve and be a kinder, better person. And then after that, you get to go to a fun place where you can live whatever kind of life you want with absolutely no worries - the conventional dream of Heaven. You can be peaceful, or you can learn new things, you can achieve goals, you can repair relationships with people from your life on Earth. You can do whatever you want, for as long as you want. But after that, you go into the great unknown, and are finally, fully, at rest. We even see a hint of what these souls do when they're at rest - they linger within humanity, inspiring people to do better, to be better, thus continuing the cycle.

How... perfect. It's an afterlife built around the thought that effort is important. That trying is what really matters. We see all of the different ways it can manifest. We see that some people take forever, we see a snippet of Brent still trying to learn and grow but not there yet... but other characters, like Tahani's sister and parents, eventually do improve and heal through the program, and get to have a meaningful reconciliation, their family complete at last.

And then there's the paradise part, where we see different goals and dreams coming to life. Tahani spends her afterlife in self-improvement, learning new skills. I like that she doesn't have a shoe-horned romance, and that hers is a life that is fulfilled without the necessity of a single life/afterlife companion. And she doesn't go into that great beyond. We don't get to learn Tahani's "ultimate" fate. She becomes an Architect and spends at least a part of her eternity helping other people to improve, thus fulfilling the purpose she pretended to have on Earth. I like that her story feels unfinished, in a way. Maybe someday she goes through the final door. Maybe she doesn't. It's okay that we don't know.

Jason plays a perfect game of Madden, he gets to hang out with his dad and the rest of his dance crew, he gets to have a meaningful and loving relationship with Janet. And then, after letting his thoughts go blank and spending several Jeremy Bearimys alone with his thoughts (like a monk), he goes through the final doorway, off to bring encouragement to some soul back on Earth.

I loved the fake-out, where Jason is the first to leave, but then it turns out he hung around to give Janet the necklace he made for her. He was ready to leave, but he also didn't mind sticking around. Eternity means there's no harm in waiting. And it was such a fun callback for him to achieve the spiritual peace of being a monk, when that was a part of his deception and fear during season one.

Chidi's section of the episode is the part that made me bawl. See, the thing is, this show never really gave me "feels" about the characters in the way that other shows do... but that's because it gave me more... conceptual feels. I loved watching... love happen on the screen in front of me, more so than I was invested in the specifics of Chidi and Eleanor's romance. But this - the very concept of this - Chidi being ready to move on, but sticking around for Eleanor. Eleanor selfishly holding on to that love, and then learning that she owes it to Chidi to let go. And then... Chidi sharing with Eleanor a Buddhist idea of death - that life is like a wave, and death is returning to the ocean. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be, for a while.

God, I don't know what it was, but that thought... it soothed something in me. It touched me, spiritually, because of the journey we've watched these characters go on for so long. They got to have as much of an eternity as they wanted. They got to be fulfilled in every way that they wanted to be, and then they got to return to the ocean, from whence they came.

I'm also obsessed with Michael's ending. He begins to feel unfulfilled as an Architect, and so the next logical step is for him to become a human, and go through the system like anyone else. I particularly loved that Eleanor pointed out to him that there's no guarantee - the system has been working, but what if Shawn changes it? What if something goes wrong? Michael has to make that leap of faith, and as he reminds Eleanor, the very fact of his unknowing is an essential part of being human. We see him living his life on Earth. Good days, bad days, days in between. And we don't get to watch him live out the remainder of his life, die, go through the system, get his eternity, and walk through the final door. But we can have faith that that's what happens, and that faith is enough.

Janet isn't a human, and she doesn't want to be a human, so we've got another ambiguous/unfulfilled ending with her. I like the moment early on, when she talks about how she experiences time differently from humans. For her, she's everywhere and every time at once. So there's not really any tragedy to the thought of her existing on in perpetuity, befriending and existing among humans forever more. She formed really meaningful bonds with Jason and the others in the Soul Squad, so she'll do it again. She'll grow and love and continue to be not a girl, not a robot. It's lovely.

Sometimes show finales can feel like curtain calls, and this episode certainly had a lot of guest appearances from characters we've gotten to know over the years. Each one felt intentional and worthy of inclusion. I loved seeing Simone again, and John, albeit briefly. I loved seeing Mindy, and knowing that she too goes through the process for self-improvement. Her parallels with Eleanor helped to show how much our protagonist has grown as well. Derek was hilarious. Tahani's family was great. We got mentions of Eleanor and Chidi's mothers, too. Vicky was there. The Judge. Shawn. The list goes on.

And then Eleanor. Her journey is so stunning. There's something so relatable about the fact that she's the last to be ready to move on. And that she's not sure what she needs to do to feel fulfilled. I... felt that. I understood it on some deep level. It meant so much to me that Eleanor's fulfillment wasn't any one thing, any more than Tahani's or Chidi's. Living an eternity with Chidi wasn't it. Helping Mindy wasn't it. Helping Michael... that was the thing that finally tipped it for her, but it wasn't just that alone. It was a combination of all of those things.

I loved this finale so very much. It was powerful in a way I don't know how to describe. I've often found that finales of TV shows can either be astoundingly good, or incredibly disappointing. They are very rarely somewhere in the middle. This one was astoundingly good, and I'm so happy.

10/10

I have to review this show as a whole. Sure, I can think of things I would have changed, ways it could have been stronger, more exactly my own cup of tea. I could have used more queer representation. I could have used less memory wipes and re-sets in seasons two and three. But these things don't change the fact that this show had a very clear message. A very powerful philosophy. And it made a very persuasive argument for the ideas it espoused. I want the world to work like this. I want humanity to work like this. I want people to have the chance to grow, and change, and I want to acknowledge that it's not always easy, that it often involves a lot of time, and that it requires help from others. I'm so happy I watched this show. I'll definitely be recommending it to people for a very long time.

My over-all rating is...

9.5/10

[bookandcover]

Haunting, complex, raising many questions and intentionally giving no easy answers--this is a beautiful novel, compressed into a glittering, sharp gem. I was really pleased to receive this novel as a gift and as a recommendation from my literary friend. I hadn’t heard of Alexander Chee before this book, but he’s clearly someone I should know. The space his work inhabits--between fiction and nonfiction--is a lovely, poignant suspension, dream-like, that asks us to consider others’ lives and to look critically at our own. 

It seems an oversimplification to compare Edinburgh to Lolita--both beautiful novels dealing with the fringe topic of pedophilia--because this book is its own thing, its own life. Yet, I did think of Lolita while reading this because of the beauty of the prose and the awareness of beauty on the part of the author. The sense of beauty that permeates these pages, that takes on a life of its own and transcends above any subject matter, reminded me of Nabokov. Chee’s prose is stunning, direct, effervescent--like sinking into a crystal, still lake. Chee writes, as Fee contemplates and then attempts suicide for the first time: “The new year is underway, and the snow makes everything seem perfected, cleaned off and put away until the spring. The evergreens are the suggestion or the idea of a tree, a green shadow helmeted in white. And the bare trees, arterial, reach out as if they give up something of the earth to the air above.” The novel’s characters, like Chee through his prose and his literary craft, experience a love of beauty, and a longing for it, which creates both a contrast and a resonance with the darkest moments in the novel. Chee’s characters struggle with depression, violence, self-harm, sexual assault, and the erasure of their identities. But, at the same time, they leap toward beauty--elegant lines of others’ bodies captured in art, mythology and history studied and retold, repeated motifs of fire and foxes burning brightly against a dark landscape, and the ever-present sublimity of nature. 

I, personally, was very aware of the setting of this novel as part of its beauty. The landscape of Maine--the weather, the flowers, the ocean, the outdoors--is woven throughout the book. This landscape seems to exist in relationship to the emotional state of the narrator (whether Fee or Warden). The natural objects are not symbols, as they too often are in literature. Stones and butterflies don’t represent something that they’re not. Instead, they appear at the right moments, as if summoned into being by the emotional state of each narrator. Or, perhaps, each narrator is able to see them, suddenly, because of a familiarity, a recognition between his inner life and the outer life of the world. We, the readers, notice these connections. Warden sees the glacial erratics, in the oceans and fields, and asks Fee about them just when he feels out of place, just when he feels shattered against a larger, impossible stone. Fee works for Speck and sees his painted fresco of Edinburgh, encounters the letter from the trapped man, right when he feels buried, assumed “dead” by those around him. But we’re not asked to overanalyze these objects, to cheapen them through assignment of meeting. Their role, instead, is to create affinity--a common feeling, an intimacy--between a vulnerable human and a, somehow, sympathetic world. 

It was certainly an odd experience to read a prominent book set in a place I’m so familiar with; I swam in the Cape Elizabeth pool for swim meets in middle school and high school, I camped throughout Maine, I drove through the streets of South Portland that Chee mentions, my guy friends growing up were in Boy Singers of Maine (which Chee calls the Pine State Boys Choir in the novel). Especially in the first section of the book, this familiarity took some getting used to. But it also added to the experience of reading for me. It felt like this story was being told to me by a friend, someone close to me and talking about things I was familiar with. Fee’s experiences, therefore, took on the added horrifying level of proximity, a kind of “this could be me” or “this could be my close friend” feeling. I felt, acutely, the privilege of this not being me, of having been able to grow up slowly and at my pace. Of having been able to ask questions about myself and my identity when I was ready to and not on someone else’s schedule or with someone else’s cold, self-serving interference. 

One of the values of this book, I think, is the way that it does not provide easy answers about pedophilia, sexuality, queerness, and identity. I love the fact that, in the second half of the novel, Warden shows us the experiences of a teenager wildly attracted to an adult, crossing the stigmatized border between adult and child in a very different way than it is crossed by his father Eric Gorendt. At the same time, the novel’s awareness that the line between adult/child is not simple, and that love and attraction can move across it, does not lessen nor excuse Big Eric’s crimes. Big Eric’s crimes are never treated as anything less than horrifying and reprehensible; we see the terrible impact on the boys he assaulted--from Peter’s suicide to Zach’s suicide. Yet, at the same time, we’re privy to Fee’s guilt, his confusion over whether his sexuality played some strange role in these crimes. Fee seems to repeatedly wonder whether Big Eric sensed in him some affinity, some willingness to be complicit? Fee’s misguided guilt, his confusion, his ongoing obsession with Peter and boys who look like him allows us readers to view all these issues and questions around attraction as ones that are deeply complex. We can, and we are asked to, condemn Big Eric. But we are not asked to condemn attraction beyond the barriers that are normally established by society. And we are asked to question our own assumptions, about anything. 

At the heart of this novel, there is love. It’s a novel, fundamentally, about love. Love that is not to be confused with attraction, with obsession, with selfishness--although the characters question themselves, repeatedly, on the reasons they experience all of these feelings. I’m not sure I understand the ending of this novel--a lot seems unresolved--as it spirals into a rather shocking resolution with Warden’s attack on his father (the kind of decisive action Fee never seemed to be able to bring himself to?), the sudden affair between Fee and Warden, and Fee’s choice (is it final?) to abandon Warden and return to Bridey. After thinking about this a lot, my interpretation is that the ending works as a reminder of the central, essential role of love. Love is healing. Fee is the main character and he moves through the novel from a place of trauma to a resolution in healing. The novel, while feeling unfinished around certain plot points, is finished when its narrative arc is understood to be Fee’s journey toward healing. His brief, passionate relationship with Warden allows him to directly address the long-term trauma that he carries, which has solidified in an obsession with Peter and Peter’s death. At the same time, his choice to let Warden go, to go back to Bridey, shows real growth and healing. Fee chooses the relationship that means “moving on.” He chooses the adult relationship and the life he built for himself, and not the relationship that is about processing and recycling his past. Fee’s choice is an act of self-love, an act of healing, an act of freedom. 

It’s a bit troubling(?) that this act of self-love, this choice, might come at expense of other characters. The jury’s still out on whether “troubling” is the way I feel about this... The novel does a good job setting up Bridey’s character and liberating him from this; he loves Fee wholly and this love comes with understanding. He understands that Fee needs to process his past and he is not irrevocably hurt by this (in fact, he almost seems to see Fee’s affair coming, with his comments on “needing to keep in practice in case I get dumped.”) Bridey finds Fee at the end of the novel. He knows him. He waits for him. And this is the love that changes Fee, that allows him to choose a life free from his past. The Lady Tammamo myth circles around again at the end of the book, as Fee reflects that “love ruins monsters.” All Lady Tammamo needed to do to become human was to love one man. Fee, too, seems to become human, in his own eyes, faced with Bridey’s unconditional love. There is hope for them, going forward, awareness of a new version of Fee that is better to be in love with. 

But what of Warden? We don’t get Warden’s resolution, his reaction to Fee’s departure, and I wondered about this. Warden’s descriptions of his love for Fee always got to me, always took hold of my heart and squeezed, transfixed me--like the butterflies he preserves on pins. These are the kinds of lines you’d want to write and rewrite, on journals, on skin, in places you’d see them everyday. 

“And so it is that the faint, caused by my thinking of the theft of the picture, is the first reason he takes me in his arms.” 

“I love him, I say, surprising myself. When he’s around, it feels like he’s in charge of everything in me. I don’t know what to do with that. Do you kiss it? I don’t know.” 

“So let me get this straight. You throw up so much that you are fainting, and now you have been prescribed drugs, because you want this man so much, but, you aren’t gay.” 

“How tear, as in to cry, and tear, as in to rip or pull, how they’re spelled the same? You could write them and someone reading would not know if you were crying or separating.” [Outro: Tear, anyone?]

I wanted happiness and healing for Warden, as well. But the bird inside him scares me. Perhaps his story is another story--Warden’s story, he was part of Fee’s only briefly. Is Warden’s story a tragedy or one in which he comes to know himself, though this experience of young love, and moves on--also looking to the future, and not the past? I hope so. If Fee has left Warden behind, another hurt child, that ending for this novel is, certainly, troubling. 

I don’t have an easy answer here (or anywhere). But the novel’s resistance to resolution/finality is realistic, and one of the most powerful moves of this story, as it inhabits that uncanny valley between fiction and non-fiction. 

[addictedforbooksquad]

ADDICTEDFORBOOKSQUAD BOOK EVENT # 3   🏳️‍🌈  P R I D E  M O N T H

╙ Week 1 : books

                                                            B O O K  R E V I E W

T H E  L A D Y’S  G U I D E  T O  C E L E S T I A L  M E C H A N I C S  B Y  O L I V I A  W A I T E

genre: romance, historical romance, LGBT, F/F romance

publication date: 25th June, 2019

rating (1-5scale):

writing:   ★ ★ ★ ★ 

characters & character development: ★ ★ ★

could-not-put-it-down factor: ★ ★ ★ ★

general rating: ★ ★ ★ ★  

*ARC provided by publisher via Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review*

When I saw a synopsis of this book, I knew I had to read it. F/F romance set in a regency era? Between a rich widowed countess and a girl astronomer? My instant reaction was HOW FUN - COUNT ME IN. This story turned out to be so much more than that. I love reading books - I have fun doing it, whether it's a delighted pleasure taken in discovery of something amazing or twisted satisfaction in finishing a book that makes me want to fling my e-reader across the room. However, the type of...kinship and emotional fulfillment I felt while reading "The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics" is extremely rare and precious. This is certainly a love story, between Lucy Muchelney, an astronomer who has recently had her heart broken, and Catherine St. Day, widowed countess whose marriage was a constant streak of personal unfulfillment and emotional abuse.

After her father’s death and her lover taking a husband, Lucy sets out to London with an ambitious goal of translating work of esteemed French astronomer. Catherine, aka Lady Moth, agrees to take her in as a guest, and, after members of Polite Science Society turn out to be anything but polite, offers to sponsor and publish her translation on her own. And thus, begins a bisexual awakening of Lady Moth and a blooming romance between the two.

Now, let me count the ways I loved this romance. First of all, the apparent respect and support between Lucy and Catherine. While Lucy is ten years younger than Catherine, she’s the one more experienced in having a relationship with a woman. That’s not to say Lady Moth is an innocent miss straight out of schoolroom. No, she’s been married for fifteen years and even had an affair after her husband’s death (HUGE kudos for including that!) and she has a baggage of her own. They both do. Which is why I absolutely loved how they took things slow. And when they finally got together, I could feel how they cherished each other and their closeness. Secondly, this is not just about the romance. The outstanding theme, actually, at least to me, is women supporting and loving women. Women helping each other achieve their dreams and goals and realize that there is more to life than living in the shadow of men. “She ought to have paid more attention to her own self before now. She ought to have allowed herself to want things.” When Lucy and Catherine take a leap and begin a relationship, they don’t only embark on a journey towards love. No, they embark on a path of self-discovery and self-acceptance. And it’s beautiful and oh-so-heart-warming to read about them uplifting each other and being there for each other.

Apart from this, I really have to applaud the author for the way she handled the issue of homophobia in XIX century. Personally, at least, I found it to be the perfect balance between so-called historical accuracy and respect for queer readers. Do I want to read about two ladies getting it on in Regency era? HELL YES. Do I want to be brought down by “historically-accurate” mentions of how they are scorned and ostracized because of their love? NOPE. In this book, we do have mentions of homophobia – it would be impossible not to include it when writing about a time when it was systematic (sex between two men was criminalized). But just because a society you write about is homophobic as a rule, doesn’t mean your characters need to be as well! And I’m glad the author understands that. Not only are there mentions of other F/F and M/M relationships throughout the book, the characters that find out about Lucy and Catherine don’t react with scorn – they turn into allies. “They don’t let you have anything whole, you know. If you don’t follow the pattern. You have to find your happiness in bits and pieces instead. But it can still add up to something beautiful.” Lucy and Catherine? In the end, they don’t need to satisfy themselves with scraps of happiness, no matter how beautiful. In the end, they take it all – love, science, art, permanence, sense of security. To a large extent, this book also deals with sexism and misogyny. But again, the way it’s done leaves you feeling uplifted, not discouraged (and I don't want to spoil but there's a plot twist at the end that makes it even more amazing). Lucy ends up making a place for herself in a field that is almost entirely ruled by men. Catherine decides to follow her dreams in a field that has been discounted as a trivial female pursuit. Both of them team up to help other women have their voices heard. And just like with their relationship, they have allies here too. “But there is no brilliance of thought, no leap of logic that can take place without the power of imagination. Our learning requires intuition and instinct as much as pure intelligence. We are not simply minds, trained like lamps on the world around us, producing light but taking nothing in: we are bodies, and hearts, and hopes, and dreams. We are men, and we are women. We are poetry and prose in equal measure. We are earth and clay, but we are all - no matter our shape - lit with a spark of something divine.”

*stands and claps*

I think there is only one thing in this book that made me recoil as I read it: “First, I would have to count myself in very good company: many of our greatest thinkers through history have been as famous for their mistakes as for their insights. Didn’t Copernicus believe the sun revolved around the earth?” NO. No, he did not. That is, in fact, factually incorrect statement. Mikołaj Kopernik aka Nicolaus Copernicus was XV/XVI Polish astronomer who was one of the very first to introduce heliocentric system, so a system in which it’s the Earth that revolves around the Sun while at the same time turning daily on its axis. It’s just one sentence but I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t point this out and given the focus this story has on astronomy, it’s a factual error that shouldn’t have been made. Going back to the good things though – I absolutely recommend this book. It was beautiful and emotional and simply a delight to read. Trigger warnings: mentions of emotional abuse, sexism, misogyny

[williamsockner]

LGBT+ Identity in the Time of Mindless Self Indulgence

Mindless Self Indulgence isn’t an act that could have flourished at any other time. The emo/pop punk wave was gathering steam; hip hop was still a novelty one could distinguish themselves from the flock by cribbing. “Random” Invader Zim-style humor was in the decline, while “edgy” no-limits humor was skyrocketing. Nerds hadn’t become the dominant force they are today, but due to the internet and the rise in manga and anime sales in the United States, they were able to access nerdy content much more easily. Youtube was taking off, music piracy was booming, and reliance on both radio and local record-store gatekeepers was at a low for young music fans.

Perhaps most critically, our national understanding of politics and identity at the time, particularly LGBT+ identities, was in a different stage of development than it is today. “Punching up” vs. “punching down” was not a concept that most people considered in their comedy. “It’s just a joke” was more widely accepted as an excuse for transgressive entertainment than it is today. “I’m an equal opportunity hater” was a common refrain.

Early in their career, the band released multiple tracks where Jimmy Urine, a man who was certainly not black, used the n-word. The “Pantyshot” cassingle was a treasured possession among MSI fans, featuring an early song that supposedly lost them a record deal due to being about lusting over a 5 year-old. Little Jimmy Urine sold kisses for a dollar to fans after shows, including to the teenagers. As a whole, the band made punchlines of racial and sexual slurs, rape and child abuse, school shootings, prostitution, drug use, incest, and just about every other taboo under the sun.

The understanding was that none of it was real and that none of it had any real consequences. Calling someone a faggot didn’t matter if we were all in on the joke, that homophobia was stupid. Words were just words. The identity of the speaker didn’t matter so long as their ideology was clear. It was something of an inversion of the way we publicly navigate comedy now, in that their identity determines where on the ladder they are to punch up or down, and the contents of their ideology is of minimal consequence compared to the text of their words. The context of a joke is not a matter of what the audience believes, but of the many complexities of hierarchy that society as a whole believes.

“Who cares?” asks 2008. “It’s just words.”

“How could it not matter?” answers 2018. “Words create culture.”

So LGBT+ identity in the era of Mindless Self Indulgence.

Describing the difference between 2005 and 2018 to young queer people is a source of anxiety for me, because I feel like the old woman talking about how she walked uphill both ways to the library if she wanted to read a book. It’s difficult, however, to put in perspective how quickly the culture around LGBT+ identities has changed. As dangerous as it is for queer kids today, they have much freer access to information about their resources and history than we did, and far greater representation in all forms of media.

When I was a teenager, I was the first person openly LGBT at my school, and my only point of reference for LGBT identities were Rosie O’Donnell and Elton John. There was no “Born This Way” yet, no Halsey and Hayley Kiyoko and Ellen Page, no Troye Sivan and Adam Lambert and Frank Ocean, no Miley Cyrus, no Laverne Cox. There were no empowerment ballads.

Which was fine, because I didn’t want empowerment ballads anyway. I felt disgusting. In reckoning with my LGBT+ identity, I felt small, broken, repulsive, confused, discarded and doomed. I was sickened in my own skin and filled with self-loathing because of my sexual orientation. Sometimes I still am. When I was 15, I drew a map of my heart, and in between the “fields of sexual insecurity” and “possibly irreparable damage” I had written “guilt!” several times and underlined it.

“You’re beautiful” didn’t only feel false, it felt invalidating. I was fiercely defensive of my self-hatred. I was working so hard at it, spending so much time and energy convincing myself I deserved the beating I was giving myself. To this day the barriers I’ve put up against generic bromides persist, and songs like “Scars to Your Beautiful” or “Roar” make me cringe. Maybe someone gets something out of them, but I can only think of the teenagers like me who used that sort of sentiment as fuel for their own self-abuse. I remember once bursting into tears at a “Jesus Loves You” sticker because it served as proof that the whole world was playing a joke on me, telling me that someone so unlovable should have some hope.

It was impossible to internalize that queerness was not dirty, unnatural and loathsome. Any attempt to break that association was drown out by the rest of the messaging we were receiving and our own tried-and-true mental gymnastics. Reassurance could not reach us at the bottom of the well.

At the time, I was obsessed with Mindless Self Indulgence with the kind of all-consuming adoration that only teenagers can possess. I aped frontman Little Jimmy Urine’s fashion, writing slogans across my coats with white tape. “What Do They Know” and “Cocaine and Toupees” were my ringtones, much to my mother’s chagrin. I had catalogues of bootlegs, lovingly sorted and pressed to CD. Mindless Self Indulgence populated my artwork, both in classroom doodles and in art pieces for my portfolio that I labored on for weeks. They were the subject of my college application essay. I met my first love on an MSI forum (which I moderated) and lost a few romantic relationships over my inability to talk about anything else. I owned every shirt. When I was hired on at Barnes & Noble’s music section, I would nominate Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy for the staff recommendation shelf every single week, and whenever it inevitably got recalled to the warehouse for lack of sales, I’d order it right back.

Sometimes my friends and I would go to the mall parking lot at night and blast Mindless Self Indulgence from my car, dancing around the empty lot with our striped stockings, fingerless gloves and Hot Topic trip pants.

This band kept me from killing myself.

“I’m filthy, disgusting, horrible, irredeemable,” we’d say. “People tell us we’re beautiful and we know they’re lying. I’m a freak.”

“Yeah, you’re fucking ugly,” the music said. “So what? So’s everything else. Have some fun with it.”

Despite the fact that Jimmy Urine has never publicly labeled himself with an LGBT identity, we young LGBT MSI fans claimed him as our own. We enshrined the article where he described being sexually attracted to anyone regardless of gender. We imitated and revered his gender fuckery onstage, the skirts, the pink suits and tutus, the eyeliner, his yelping falsetto leaping up from the masculine shouting, the way he danced. We pored over lyrics - that we transcribed ourselves in many cases, through multiple listens and endless debate - for those nuggets of same-sex attraction and gender ambiguity.

“I make a good girl but I make a terrible boy,” went one song. “These things in my pants that we’re all waiting for, I never really knew what that thing down there was used for,” went another. And the most sacred text of all was “Faggot”, off Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy, the most beloved record of the vast majority of hardcore MSI fans.

“I played that shit straight / blowing suckas to the side hopin' I get laid / now everybody knows / no way in hell I can ever live it down”.

Shit was a revelation.

Kitty, the drummer of Mindless Self Indulgence, once said of the band’s LGBT fans that listening to MSI’s music was like vomiting: it hurts at the time, but then you feel better. You got it out. And the band always cultivated their relationship with their LGBT fans. Gay marriage was one of the few political issues they openly took a stance on, in a time when states like my own were amending constitutions to protect themselves from Massachusetts’ same-sex marriages.

Thus, we had a place where we felt simultaneously seen and valued by the band, and unseen amongst the chaos surrounding us. The irreverent humor of the band created a safe space where homosexuality could be disgusting, but so was everything else. There was no shame at an MSI concert. You were listening to a man famed for drinking his own urine sing about whipping his meat out, who cared if you liked to kiss girls? That’s old news. We’re all freaks down here at the bottom of the well.

I’m 28 now, and I don’t know if the kids these days have an equivalent band. I don’t know if there’s a market for it anymore; I’m sure there will always be queer kids who have internalized the awful message that they are inherently unlovable, but I’m not sure if they can’t find more accessible and more inherently positive panaceas. I see mutations of the same style of humor in Willam from RuPaul’s Drag Race and in some of the undercurrents of Tumblr’s teen humor. “We’re goblins, trash, garbage babies.”

“Yeah,” my inner child says. “I fucking feel that.”

The paradigm of humor has changed since 2008, at least in my circles, and the reasons for that are manifold, political, social, capitalistic. In many ways, it’s been a good thing: bigotry can be exposed rather than cloaked in excuses. A basic understanding of social inequality is presumed of most audiences. People are responsible for the impact of their words, not the intent. “Equal opportunity hater” is seem for what it is: intellectually lazy and blinkered, the refuge of white guys who don’t want to own up to the fact that some jokes aren’t funny.

But I’ll always have a place in my heart for comedy that meets people where they’re at. Where we’re at isn’t always beautiful or acceptable or healthy, but sometimes it’s the place where we need the laugh most.

[dailypronounpractice]

since you offered I was wondering, is Alex your birth name or did you choose it? If so, how? If not, did you try out any chosen names? Why did this one feel right? (feel free to not answer, I’m thinking of using a new name and looking for some guidance is all)

No worries!

Alex is a chosen name. I don’t know if it’s going to be The One (I’ve been trying out a few because my birth name is super feminine and doesn’t sit right) but I do quite like it.

I have liked the name Alex for a long time, but I decided to try it out because I answered a (cis male) colleague’s phone recently and introduced myself as Alex (rather than introducing myself and saying that I had answered his phone). Then I thought to myself “hm, I could be an Alex”, and so I decided to try it out. And here we are!

It certainly helps that several characters of different genders I love (Alex Danvers, Alex Alvarez) have that name and it is quite gender neutral which makes me happy! Don’t feel bad about borrowing names from your favourite characters or something to try them out, it’s an excellent way to give it a go.

As for guidance, I do have some tips:

First things first - remember that any name can be your name, and any name can be a woman’s name, a man’s name, or a nonbinary person’s name if it is your name. You don’t have to change your name just because you are exploring your gender (which I assume you are - people change their name for other reasons too!) and plenty of people keep their birth names, so don’t feel like you have to change it just because it’s (eg. in my case) too ‘girly’ or whatever.

That said, if you DO want to change your name, I recommend:

borrowing from favourite characters or distant people you know who have the type of name you want - feminine, masculine, neutral, but also, old fashioned or modern, younger or older sounding, long or short, harder or softer sounding, there are lots of reasons we are drawn to certain name

shortening or adapting your own name or nickname - eg; using a nickname (eg. Sam), or changing the spelling. for example, many names can be easily femmed up a bit by changing some letters - Bob/Bobby to Bobbi, Taylor to Tayla (or of course vice versa)

trying out a few and practicing introducing yourself or talking about yourself; I find that speaking out loud gives me a better sense of how I feel about a name.

if you have a trusted friend, perhaps ask them to try out some things with you eg introducing you to imaginary people, asking you places, or generally talking about you. several blogs (including this one) also offer pronoun validations, which are a similar concept in written form

trying out names in certain places or contexts; you don’t necessarily have to tell EVERYONE your new name ALL the time, sometimes it may be better to only use x name in x space. for example, I have a nonbinary friend who uses one name in a queer space we attend together, a different name at a writing club they attend, and another name for family, jobs etc, and possibly even others I don’t know about! part of that is because they are limited in being able to move in and out of the closet if they change their name, but part of it is because they’re not sure what name they would pick if they ‘made the leap’ and instead are using a few that they like, all at the same time

I also recommend starting a new activity where you can introduce yourself with your new/trial name from the get go - whether that’s a new blog online, a book club, a new class, a stall or similar where you’ll be unlikely to meet the same people multiple times, etc.

Unfortunately I can’t really tell you why a name feels right or what will feel right to you. I would try reflecting on names you like in a more general sense - perhaps if you knew somebody with that name, or thought it would be good for a character or even a child. I am a writer so I’ve been harvesting a list of names I like for years, to use in books etc, maybe it’s not that easy for everyone else, but I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Go from there.

I’m happy to offer more help and guidance where I can, or even try to suggest some names if you have some ideas about what you’d like, but I think that’s the best I can do for now. Enjoy your name searching journey!

[osmw1]

Poison-Wielding Fugitive   Chapter 62

“... what?”

Celes’ incredulous expression was frozen in place by shock and surprise.

“There was once an infamous monster who had propagated a disease named “Bloodflower” that was based off of this curse, hence why I am familiar with it.” “I have heard that you had eradicated a pestilence before, Cohgray, but this is—”

Though Celes was hesitant, her friend was not; he was desperate for anything that could help his mother.

“Celes! It… might be a good idea just to try it out. No medicine or nothing has ever helped before…” “But your mother would suffer if this fails. Worst case scenario, it might even lead to her death.” “I’m—cough—I’m fine. It would be better than not trying at all—cough.”

“Yukihisa…”

Arleaf clasps her hands together as if she’s praying. Veno is actually kinda amazing when it comes to times like these. I know he won’t let us down.

‘Yes, recognize mine greatness! I shall have you start worshipping me like the little lass does.’

We coulda ended it there nicely, y’know? Plus, it’s not like it’d be weird for me to be praying to the Lord Holy Dragon anyway… I really did respect you for a bit. But no, now you ruined it.

‘Silence! In any case, you and the lass should join in on the ritual too. If all goes well, it should prove to do good. It shall help the lass with her class advancement as well.’ “Understood.” “... fine. But if I sense it to go awry, please cease at once.” “Okay. It’ll likely react when we try to lift the curse, so just get ready to knock us out of it before things get out of hand.”

One by one, high-leveled mages and priests began to arrive by the request of Celes’ comrade and they soon started the ritual. Arleaf joined in as well. On the other hand, Celes was nervously supervising the situation.

‘Hmm… including the blacksmith, there seems to be quite a few cases of these queer curses and diseases. I cannot help but feel that there is someone or something behind it all.’

You mean, there’s another monster like Elbatoxin around? That’d be a real pain in the ass…

‘Nay… judging by the source of the hex…’

The magic circle begins to glow brightly, interrupting Veno’s thoughts.

“Aughhhhhhh…”

Lying in the middle of the magic circle is the hexed lady, groaning. She places her hand on her chest as black smoke rises out. And then, the smoke turns into light and disappears.

“I-I…”

The lady leaps to her feet, checking over her chest and right arm. Not a single trace was left of the hex.

“I can feel the strength returning to my body!”

As the color and a smile returned to her face, she runs up to her friends and family and embraces them all.

“What on… but… she may be feeling better, but the curse is still…” “Isn’t it the same as slaying the dragon?” “Hmpf… if she is better temporarily…”

What Celes is saying is oddly similar to what Wayne had said before.

‘Hmm… perhaps…’ “What is the meaning of this, Cohgray?”

Ah, Celes wants the truth out of me. I guess I gotta explain it to her. I thought Arleaf was going to tell her, but it’s only natural for her to hesitate telling Celes about Veno. Alright, time to dole out excuses.

“This curse is a form of Dragonfall’s Charge.” “Dragonfall’s Charge?” “Do you recall from the tales regarding a curse that can only be lifted from slaying a dragon? It is the foundation of this one.” “Yes, there are quite a few legends like that, usually with the hero training hard and then going to battle.”

I don’t know any of the legends from this world, but let’s go with it since it’s working.

‘This curse also has many other derivatives. Other monsters may also be targets, not just dragons. Such is the work of cowardly humans.’ “This is something created by mankind a long time ago and actually has little to do with dragons. Rulers of yore wanted the brave and talented to kill monsters and so they employed this curse. After defeating the target, the hex would then be nullified.”

It’s a dirty trick. Almost on the same level as Forced Possession Summoning.

‘Aye. I am disgusted at how humans keep coming with such despicable methods.’ “The method to undo this hex should already be well-known, but it seems to me like this is a new variation.” “Ah… how can I ever thank you?”

The mother comes to thank us with a hug. I return the hug before continuing the explanation.

‘Beware of being cursed again. It comes from—’ “Oh, please don’t worry about it. Whoever witnessed your son’s talents is to blame. It’s not exactly an impossibility, so do be extremely cautious so that you do not get cursed again.” “Of course. Then… what can I do to prevent it?” “Hmm… the curse can be traced to a statue at a church used when changing jobs.” “What?!” “I’m not quite sure who or where, but it seems to affect the family members of whoever prays there.”

It’s works just like a computer virus. And it’s just evil where they put it.

‘Aye, it is certainly similar to your “computer virus” how it is made publicly accessible.’ “However…” “I’m not prohibiting you from praying. I’m saying you should be careful is all. The problem is that the perpetrator could even know that we’ve undone the hex on you. In that case, what worked this time may not work a second time…” ‘That should not be a problem in the immediate future. I have broken the curse in this area. Whoever created this Dragonfall’s Charge must have spent quite some effort to make it so tricky to lift.’

Wouldn’t it be a better idea to prevent everybody from being cursed?

“In any case, this is quite the powerful curse, so defeating the perpetrator might take some time. But, if we quickly spread out, we should be able to stop them.”

I omitted the important bit about Veno.

‘Do not be mistaken that I am all-mighty. If thou wishest to go that far, then we must go to whoever is behind this. It would also be difficult for humans to place the preventative spell.’ “Religion is important. If you have to pray, you should use a personal item that you know you can trust. And if you must change jobs, then I recommend using another religion’s church.” “But…”

Religion is as touchy of a subject as I thought. I get that it’s an important part of spiritual support. That means I gotta reword it more carefully.

“Oh, don’t be mistaken. I’m not telling you to switch religions; it’s important what or who you pray to. The fact that we are visiting must mean that your prayers are being answered. Whoever placed the curse onto the religious symbol is to blame.” “Mom, he’s trying to say that it’s important we catch the bad guy behind this… so let’s just be thankful that you’re better now.”

Her son reassures his very worried mother.

“You’re right. Then let us wholeheartedly welcome you all.” “I appreciate your thoughts, but we have other matters at hand… I’d like to excuse ourselves instead.”

Everybody in the room seems to be dumbfounded at what I had just said.

“But… you lifted this curse for us. Are you saying you are going to leave just like that?”

I guess I’m being a little too generous. Since I’m at the home of someone who’s pretty strong, I’m sure I can ask for a lot of money. But we have goals of our own too. This just so happens to help Arleaf out with job changing. I’m sure there’s something else we can get out of them other than money. The thing is that it’d be pretty distasteful to demand cash from them.

“Yes, I am. Shall we go?”

I suggest to Arleaf, Muu, and Celes we depart.

“Sure, why… not? We were simply dropping by on the way home anyway.” “Muu!” “B-But…” Celes is still pale and shocked. “Please, accept our gratitude.” “In that case, I’ll have you all share how to break this curse so that we help out people who are still under this hex. After all, this is just a cowardly ploy meant to send your son to his death by having him kill an innocent dragon.”

This way, they can infer that Dragonfall’s Charge is still an ongoing problem. With that, I’m sure the victims and heroes can band up to defeat the perpetrator.

“O-Okay, I accept.”

I come and go without even introducing myself. Well, I’m sure they caught Celes throwing my name around. But still, that’s kinda cool, isn’t it? Cool or not, we hop back onto a coach and head home.

‘Definitely the latter. Such thinking is a slow and insidious killer.’

Man, I don’t want to hear that from you, Veno, seeing how you’re always acting so high and mighty.

contents: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /ch016/ /ch017/ /ch018/ /ch019/ /ch020/ /ch021/ /ch022/ /ch023/ /ch024/ /ch025/ /ch026/ /ch027/ /ch028/ /ch029/ /ch030/ /ch031/ /ch032/ /ch033/ /ch034/ /ch035/ /ch036/ /ch037/ /ch038/ /ch039/ /ch040/ /ch041/ /ch042/ /ch043/ /ch044/ /ch045/ /ch046/ /ch047/ /ch048/ /ch049/ /ch050/ /ch051/ /ch052/ /ch053/ /ch054/ /ch055/ /ch056/ /ch057/ /ch058/ /ch059/ /ch060/ /ch061/ /ch062/ /next/

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