#and its stuck in my memory to this day

[cent-scratchnsniff]

doodles and stuff. struggled with painting until i gave up

[wormsical]

Fourth contact

[adeleine-everyday]

day 102

no sabo kid

[youremyonlyhope]

I took this quiz. And some episodes were easy. Some made me just plain mad (Anti-Mavity Motorbike. No. I hate this stupid running joke). Some made me mad because I understood IMMEDIATELY what they meant (Awkward Bed Sharing, Paving Slab, Smacked Bottom) and it annoyed me that it made sense. And some made me mad because I knew the exact episode but could not remember the actual title for the LIFE of me (PE Teacher, Floating Fingers). And others made me want to sob (Cup-A-Soup, Solid Right Hook) because I loved the description choice so much.

Anyway. I need there to stop being so many "the [Blank] of the Doctor" episode titles. I can't keep track of them. At a certain point if I knew it was an 'of the Doctor' episode I just skipped it.

[rexscanonwife]

[andragoras-in-vanity]

im distraught, my rook has elgar'nans vallaslin.....

[missjoolee]

Always Come Take Me Down

The barest hint of a snore coming from where Julie's head is resting against his thigh is what alerts Luke that she's asleep and no longer working on lyrics. He'd been so in his own head, humming melodies and jotting them down, that it was more an afterthought sort of processing of the fact that she had been quiet for a bit now. He knows it happened, but couldn't say when. What is he supposed to do? Leave her be? Wake her up? If it were Alex or Reggie, he'd let them sleep if they had just come from home, but definitely would wake them up with a wet willy. That's not an option this time! Not when it's the girl you most definitely have feelings for. Feelings that are complicated by the fact you are dead and couldn't even touch until a few weeks ago. Oh god, he's starting to sweat. Can ghosts even sweat?

The pen in Julie's hand shifts as her grip relaxes and he realizes something he can do. Reaching over, trying his best not to jostle her, he grabs the notebook that is still propped up against the makeshift easel that is her legs. Gently prying it from under hand, he sets it on the arm of the couch on his other side. Julie shuffles for a second, her head moving into a more comfortable position. Suddenly, all of Luke's panic dissipates. How can he feel anything but lucky? He lightly brushes his fingers across her forehead, trailing along one of the many curls that currently frames her face. It reminds him of the phone cord from the kitchen phone back home. The 90s version of home. It was one of the many things not still there that he'd had to get used to when he'd started visiting his parents. How do people do it? Make phone calls without the cord to entangle their fingers in. Memories of calling all the clubs (both music and book) he could think of while winding the spiral cord around an index finger just barely too tight so that it started cutting of circulation. The realization that more loops fit around it now that he's had a growth spurt.

Shaking off the memories, his eyes focus back on the studio. Looking down, he finds that he's wrapped one of Julie's curls around his finger like the phone cord. It's softer than the weird plastic, but not as smooth. He slowly unwinds his finger, marveling that he can even do that. They still don't know what happened that night that allowed them to touch. But he was given a third chance. He'd told Julie that he'd only had one real regret in life. How he'd left things with his mom. And he hadn't lied that night, that he still had no regrets in this life. Afterlife. Whatever. It all feels the same at this point whenever he's with her. But he does know he wants to do better by her than he had at the beginning of their friendship. He wants her to know he'll always choose her. He won't bail on her and cause her to cry again. It's just not an option.

A melody drifts through his head with those thoughts and he can't help but quietly hum along as he fiddles with the ends of her hair. He was nine when the song originally came out. It wasn't exactly his scene, even at nine, but you couldn't just escape a top 40 hit in the 80s. It was everywhere. At the grocery store with his mom, on the radio, at the arcade, the bowling alley, and Reggie's house before his parents started fighting. But the more he hums, the more Luke realizes how apt the lyrics are. Everything he wants to tell Julie, promise her. It's all there in the lyrics of this song that feels only seven years old but is actually... crap. Thirty-three years old. Is this really their life?

The lyrics slip out of him in a soft lullaby as he continues gently brushing her hair away from her temples.

"We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I"

He pauses at the next lines. Asking for a full commitment in their current state is probably too much, even if he does think he could give her better than any other guy. Her friend Nick pops into his head. He's been coming by a lot since the Orpheum. No, that's not the point right now. The point is communicating how he feels about her. He skips those lines.

"I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand"

Here he puts all his intent into the words, pledging them to her. Never again will he be the reason she feels alone and abandoned.

"Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"

Slender fingers latch onto his and Julie lets out a deep, content, sigh. Her eyes peek open and look up at him and he can't help the smile that shines down on her.

Her own voice is low and quiet with sleep when she asks, "Did you just rickroll me?"

Luke's smile turns to confusion.

"What's a rickroll?"

[narryffdreaming]

now those fans who said they met him in the morning and told him he looked good and made him giggle... now that sounds wayyyyy more interesting to me.

[lemedstudent2021]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers 💜💜

was not expecting this sweet of a surprise in my inbox lol

*conveniently forgets everything that gives me serotonin* ;-;

I. my identity. unusual choice i know, but the building blocks that make me me give me peace, warmth and joy. they provide comfort, promise me betterment, prove to me time and time again that there is so much beauty to life, if only we have the eyes to see it and the heart to embrace it. they also occasionally give me grief but such is life XD

things like being a muslim alhamdulillah first and foremost, a hijabi, proud jordanian, quasi-polymath, socially anxious (coffee) bean...

II. knowledge and its pursuit. for as far as i can remember ive always been drawn to the known and unknown of anything and everything. libraries are my safe spaces, books are my friends, and scholarliness is my goal. truly the fastest way to my heart is by infodumping while i sip my tea and watch your face light up with every word <3

III. the basic necessities of life like food, sleep, and existing. doing literally nothing (and occasionally dissociating in the process lol) is one of the best things one can do. simply be. that and eating my feelings and sleeping to unholy hours. #medstudent #godimsotired

IV. as much as people terrify me sometimes, there is something unmistakable about the innate desire and longing for human connection. meaningful and deep relationships with friends and family mean the world to me, and their happiness is equally, if not more so, mine :') (yall keep me sane thank you for your service xxx)

V. im leaving the last one slightly ambiguous ish, becasue i can never tell when and where my (temporary) new found infatuations with quite literally anything take me. as of this week, im sliding back to my hades & persephone rabbit hole of the beauty of life and death as seperate entities, and then intertwined as one. *sob*

a while back i was absolutely enamoured with botany and traditional chinese medicine (i blame maomao) and before that embroidery, psycholinguistics, medieval torture devices and execution methods and japanese mythology. fun times :)

[blue-banditt]

oh no 😦 the alcohol cravings 😦

sitting here like a pathetic pos, tears in my eyes, trying to decide if my last $30 is worth spending on a bottle o new amsterdam or not

FUCK bro I know it's not smart, I was going to spend it on like eggs and bread at the grocery store tomorrow. But. Fucking hell its so tempting.

I FEEL like I NEED it. And I know that's the head gremlins talking but theyre sooooooo loud

Having a mental breakdown rn

[passerinesoncaffeine]

GOD. I AM OBSESSED WITH HIM.

[ouellette]

actually insane to me that sometime this year its gonna hit the official ten year mark of me being obsessed with clocky. and it hasnt ever been sporadic my interest in her has never faded.... 10 straight years of clockwork

[e1ectrostatic]

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge Day 14

Q: What are shifts like?

A: Before I begin, I'm strictly speaking about my personal experience here, and in no way does this post serve as a universal definition. Think of this like a diary entry, not an encyclopedia entry.

Anyway, what they're like can vary wildly based on several factors. Two big ones are the kintype in question, and what prompted the shift. Generally though, a shift almost always comes with strong feelings attached, and in its own way, each shift feels like coming home.

Because this blog is for discussing my identity as Luca, I'll focus on that kintype. However, it's a bit hard for me to describe, because more often than not I'm in a Luca shift. I consider it more of a "default" state of being, for lack of a better term.

Anyway, how a Luca shift feels depends on what prompted it. In my personal experience, kinshifts are always prompted by something, and never come randomly.

Most of the time, shifts are prompted by music. Sometimes it's music that resonates with me lyrically — the words metaphorically "bring me back" to my source. Other times, it resonates with me melodically. The sound scratches my brain in a "Luca" way, and/or is a song I would've liked in-source. Sometimes, both the lyrics and the melody take me back.

Other common triggers include (but aren't limited to):

Lore drops (particularly about my backstory or time at the manor)

Any other official drops that I consider relevant to me

Fanart that aligns with my memories/noemata or otherwise touches me in some way

Analysis of my source that aligns with my own perception, or that prompts new introspection

Unrelated creative works that resonate with me from a Luca perspective

Random posts/memes on the internet I find relatable or that cater to my sense of humor

A common denominator among all of these potential triggers is that they are all callbacks to my memories and noemata. For example, my birthday reveal prompted a Luca shift, because it affirmed my suspicions about what my interests, likes, and dislikes were.

Another example of something that has happened to me several times is finding a song that reminds me of someone important to me, so I ruminate on my feelings and memories about that person, which prompts a Luca shift.

A final example I'll give is coming across a post on my dash that I feel captures my "essence" as Luca, so I sit and think about it and any specific memories or noemata it may have reminded me of. Or maybe I just find it relatable (or funny!) without necessarily being reminded of specific aspects of my source. Both cases can prompt a shift.

My response to the shift and how it feels depends on how I feel about the memories and stuff attached to it (positively or negatively). Generally speaking, whether my feelings are positive or negative, I'll probably feel pretty intensely going into it regardless, and spend the next while dwelling on it.

My negative memories/noemata associated with this kintype hold a lot of resentment and anger, so those are the most common emotions I feel during a shift prompted by stuff like that. I may also feel sadness for what I've lost or what I've been through. Or, I can feel frustration at what I didn't know then and don't know now. Feelings like hate, obsession, and grief are no strangers during these shifts.

Shifts fueled by negative emotions can feel like a stab in the chest, or sometimes it can get especially bad and feel like I'm burning from the inside. Either way, I like to make use of outlets so I'm not just stewing in it. Music is my main outlet, but I may also draw, write, or talk it out if I feel up for it. Redirecting my focus to something else entirely also helps.

From the outside, I might appear withdrawn and low-energy so as to not needlessly dump my problems on others, or misdirect my feelings. If it's nothing too serious though, I probably don't seem any different. Just preoccupied at worst.

My positive memories/noemata associated with this kintype...can honestly be few and far between (having a horror source is great /sarcasm). But, they still exist, and can still prompt shifts just like negative noemata can. Most of the time, shifts prompted by positive emotions are fueled by my love for the people I was close to in my canon (or even just amicable acquaintances with). There's not a lot about this source I can be wholeheartedly happy about outside of my cherished interpersonal relationships, so I can't think of any examples of purely positive shifts off the top of my head that don't revolve around my friends and peers. Maybe I'll come back and try to think of some sometime.

Shifts fueled by positive emotions can feel like a flower blossoming in my chest; it feels full, yet ticklish, like the petals are gently brushing against my flesh. It's comparable to the feeling you get when you're about to laugh. It can also feel like a spurt of energy too big to let out all at once, or simply a tranquil, warm fondness. Usually, I don't feel the need to make use of any outlets, and prefer to sit and enjoy the feeling. If I do use any outlets, though, they're the same ones I use to process negative emotions.

From the outside, I have no idea whether or not being preoccupied with positive noemata affects my behavior. I imagine I don't act differently, but if I do, it can't be anything bad. Perhaps the worst that can happen is that I become a bit more chatty.

Then, there's the grey area between positive and negative: nostalgia. It fits there perfectly, like a puzzle piece linking the two together. Nostalgia is a very common trigger for kinshifts for me, and feels like a potent mix of both pleasant and sour emotions. There's no way for me to describe it concisely. It's deserving of its own post, honestly.

I guess it's just a mix of the positive and negative, period. I feel nostalgia when something reminds me of or when I think about the places, people, and things I loved in my canon. Things I took pride in, as well. It's bittersweet, because while the love I hold is still just as strong today, the key difference between then and now is that what I love doesn't exist in this world. Not to mention the things I loved and lost in my canon, not just the things I lost when I began the life I live now.

Both kin and non-kin alike are familiar with nostalgia, so it feels redundant to explain or describe, but for the sake of consistency and archiving my thoughts I'll do it anyway. Shifts brought about by nostalgia feel like something twisting and wrenching in my chest. Like an itch that can never be scratched, or reaching for something that feels so close, but never so much as brushes against your hand. It's a love for something that no longer exists how I knew it. It's either forever altered, or gone altogether.

Nothing stays in perfect stasis for eternity, as much as I like to deny it. Places and times changing and ceasing to exist altogether are inevitable, so it's inevitable that your love will change, too. Don't get me wrong, it brings me great joy to reflect on the things I love, but the longing comes with the love. It's a package deal.

I suppose that's all I can say on the subject for now. I'll ruminate on this a bit more, and see what else I can write about the subject in the future. Hopefully this is coherent to anyone other than me, and isn't too redundant/repetitive.

Honestly, I went on much longer than I expected to. I thought I'd be in and out, but ended up rambling a bunch. It almost made me give up altogether with how long it dragged out for, but I powered through! If you read this long, thank you for taking the time to listen, and if you wish to share your own experience or want to ask me questions, my notes and inbox are always open. Take care!

[pandanscafanfiction]

🙃

[arolesbianism]

Thinking abt the second dream story featuring a third dream story I can't remember if I ever talked abt. I <3 body horror bonus points if its slow and agonizing

[autisticlee]

have realized the way my sister talks to me is a trauma trigger and I can't escape it because no matter what I do she still talks to me that way and i've told her to stop because I hate it and it makes me feel horrible so please try to talk to me differently. but she just rolls her eyes and continues to say worse things. she gets to live her best life and be happy because the way she treats me doesn't affect her at all, while I have to spend the next week with trauma related flashbacks and rumination and feeling like shit against my will. and she doesn't care. it's my problem that she's my problem! she doesn't need to take responsibility for anything! she grew up being taught she's invincible and can treat me like shit and never get punished. she learned to fake cry and get me in trouble. no one believes me or cares. i'm the bad kid and she's a perfect angel. because of that, my parents don't care and tell me to "ignore/get over it"

IF CURING TRAUMA WAS EASY AS DECIDING TO GET OVER IT– 😒