#and needing to vent so bad I feel like I'm gonna explode

[tentglitch]

I'm crashing tf out grandson

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for cutting off my mentally unstable friend without any explanation whatsoever?

(🧠🌩️ so i can find it)

tw for abuse and cheating mentions

ok typing out that title makes me feel like i might be TA to, like, some degree but just hear me out first.

i (19, f) was in my first semester of college when i met rachel (20). we shared a class and grew to be friends over our shared nerdy interests. i admittedly didn't really like her that much at first and didn't consider her to be that close of a friend. she was really just someone to talk to when class got boring or we had a break or something.

i was actually kinda regretting talking to her at all because i clocked that she was a little unstable almost immediately; she was very quick to anger and constantly talked about fighting people that had ""wronged"" her (which included our professor who she was convinced was out to get her for some reason?? idk why our prof was a really nice lady), constantly trauma dumped without asking (i'm talking like early into our relationship too. first day we met she was ranting about her abusive mother and her childhood trauma and stuff), and always found a way to turn the focus of the conversation about her any time i tried to talk about myself or anything that wasn't our shared interests. the only reason i gave her my number is bc she asked for it and i didn't know how to turn her down without hurting her feelings--i'd been planning on ghosting the second our class ended.

so we continued to talk/text for like a year and (at her insistence) met up for lunch in between class the following semester. i warmed to her a little at this point so it wasn't too bad; at the very least her constant drama gave me something to talk about with my real friends, and like i said i didn't really know how to cut her off in a way that wouldn't start something.

so time goes on and she shuffles through a few boyfriends--all who either cheated on her or were inattentive/verbally abusive. she constantly asked me for advice, which was confusing bc she never listened to it? like she asked me if she should take back her ex who cheated on her 3x and i said "no that sounds like an awful idea" and then she exploded at me and screamed that i could 'go fuck myself' and to 'stay the fuck outta her business bc it's her fucking life and not mine'. but then the minute he (predictably) cheated on her again and dumped her guess who had to sit with her on the phone for 2 hours while she cried? yep. me!

this kinda bullshit continued all the way up to a few months ago. she met a new guy, told me all about how he was "the one" and "he's gonna be different this time" blah blah blah. at this point i genuinely stopped giving a fuck about her and her problems. the only reason i hadn't cut her off was because my other friends loved hearing about her drama secondhand and i admittedly did enjoy making fun of her with them. which i know is kinda shitty but at least she'll never find out about it?

anyways, shit starts to get particularly juicy bc two months into rachel's relationship with this new dude he proposes. and she accepts (?!!) not only that but she informs me (not asks. INFORMS) me that i will be a bridesmaid. and i panicked and just said "uhhh cool i'm so happy for you!!" so this is the point where i decide that i need to end this relationship bc having to attend her wedding is just not something i wanna be apart of and i felt that if i went through with that it would solidify our ''friendship'' in her mind and i'd never be rid of her.

so i stop responding to her texts as frequently and began ducking her calls. didn't have to stop initiating bc i never initiated convos with her in the first place. i'd answer every once in a while bc she would start spamming that she was having ""emergencies!!!"" which. they never were true emergencies; she just wanted to vent about her fiance and his shitty family or something his ex-wife did to piss her off (her fiance was like 20 and divorced twice with three kids. YIKES) and i'd listen until she got tired of talking and ended the call. not once did she ever ask about me btw. at this point she wasn't even to pretend to care about me or my life; i was just her dumping grounds for all her trauma and venting.

i thought she might've got the message that we were done bc she hadn't texted for like a month, but a few days ago i recieved a message that said something like "omg i haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay??" and. i'm not sure if i can put into words the sheer amount of exasperation and annoyance those words filled me with. like i could tell right off the bat it was just a ploy so she could get me talking and then vent and saddle me with all her stupid emotional bullshit. so i blocked her, finally. this shouldn't cause any problems bc she dropped out of school last semester (she was failing so she decided to start her own business).

the thing is, i know that she's mentally not well. she is very erratic and immature, add that to the fact that she's gone through a lot of trauma throughout her life and the end result is a deeply flawed person. at the same time i'm not responsible for her mental health and continuing to play friends with her what i don't even like her in the first place seems disingenuous. but she's got abandonment issues, so me doing this is probably gonna hurt her. although me being honest and saying that i can't stand her and her drama anymore probably wouldn't feel any better.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[swarmishstrangers]

feed us with mspar headcanons 🙏🙏

you get extra purple sprinkles if you do mspar headcanons with marvus

[[ explodes ]]

Oh. OH YOU WANT MSPAR HCS??? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? HUH!!?...Ok teehee :}c

🍀Has a genuine caffeine addiction, not even playing. It's not so bad where they'll legitimately freak out and turn up the house if they don't get it, but they will get a KILLER, BRAINSPLITTING, headache from caffiene withdrawls + fatigue. Something they want to fix someday! But god...those headaches are hard to get over for them. They're supplier is, of course, Galekh. He really spoils them with the good stuff. He figures, what's the point in drinking coffee if it isn't the good kinds? He doesn't kick up a fuss if they ask him for a bad of whatever coffee grounds, he'd like for them to try. In fact, they bond over it actually.

🍀Kinda not great with comforting..with words! Their friend could have just vented to them about something that leaves them sobbing and Mspar, the fucking dumbass, kinda just there and is like, "Damn..that sucks, I'm sorry." They don't mean to sit around and twiddle their thumbs! Obviously, they try their best to comfort their friend, they just aren't always the most eloquent with their words so sometimes what they say can come out kind of strained and awkward. Much better with comforting people physically with hugs, rubbing their back, or letting them cry into them if needed. They just don't always know when they should deploy it? Cause trolls are so finicky and unpredictable to trying to gauge when it is or isn't okay to just be like, "Bring it in buddy, it's okay.." And go in for a hug or something. They think they're at least pretty good with discerning this for their closer friends.

🍀INCREDIBLY FUCKING LUCKY. Even outside of the initial control of Doc Scratch, and sure in some endings they die or it goes in a way it wasn't, otherwise? They're lucky. While there's definitely some existential stuff going on with them and who they really are, what they would be without their friends, had Doc Scratch not have been controlling them to some extent from afar..would they have ever really have even made any of the friends they did? They still consider it lucky to have even ever had them in their life. Outside of that, holy shit, how they survive some of the situations they do or are able to bounce back as fast as they do can be WILD to both trolls and humans. What they can they say? They just can't stop winning!

🍀Doesn't like working out tbh, they hate feeling so out of breath, they hate that taste of copper after having been running around for a while, that burning, itching sensation they get that feels like ants under their skin, etc. But catch them dead ever admitting it if it means that they can keep spending time with their more active friends, (Nihkee and Stelsa). Besides, in the end they know it won't kill them...er. Well, at least the jogging won't. Also it keeps those ROCKING legs in shape!!

🍀Did I mention having existential problems? I forgot to add they also deal with depression and dissociation problems smh.

🍦<- Be prepared to give me those sprinkles. Apologies in advance again, gonna try my best to characterize Marvus the best I can?? Aughh. Mspar I feel like, after a while, is one of those few people Marvus can trust to really let loose? Not as though he doesn't, but just like. More. He doesn't feel the need to look as pretty, to let those muscles relax (cause never really is, he's just really good at coming off as though he is lax). This feels GREAT if he was on a tour for weeks and he can just come back and be in the presence of someone who'll let him just chill out for a while. Pad Thai anyone?

🍦His sugar baby, his glucose grub, his uh. Insert other troll term for sugar baby. Jk!! Sort of..Marvus definitely gets them shit, and in return instead of something sexy, he gets their friendship cause DAMN Mspar!!! You pale friendslut!! You give them some cheap food and they're appreciative as fuck. But then again, they never ASK him for anything, they hate feeling like their mooching (even though they totally are and their friends don't gaf).

🍦Marvus sometimes does stretches, yoga poses, or these pretty contortionist poses. Mspar sometimes joins him for the stretches and poses part (hurt their back even TRYING to do the poses he does so effortlessly). While he's doing the more contortionist poses, sometimes Mspar gets stuck to places or tries on some places of his body. Think like..He laying down with his lower/middle back being bent with his long ass lanky legs in the air, then you got Mspar being airplaned by being held up by his feet. Adds a pressure to his body that he tends to like.

🍦OHH and uh, i've got one more for ya. Gonna admit, I don't know too much about chucklevoodoos or powers purplebloods tend to have, but um. Mspar has that ADHDtism, their mind is NEVER quiet. Always thinking, always running, so many thoughts, so many overlapping voices. It can be a real headache when they're just trying to rest but their brain is still active. I imagine on days when they're hanging out with Marvus, he can just..well, it's easy to tell. Cool fingers press to their head, rubbing over warm skin, claws teasing, biting as he scrapes them lightly over their scalp. Maybe he's humming with no real rhythm, but it's pretty all the while. They feel something be pushed, like their mind is being grabbed and like glass, something get's crushed (metaphorically), and when that hand opens it's palm, it's like all the sand in that dome runs out. And for once. They experience quiet.

[sparklew00f]

Tell us about your OCs!!!

okay so this ended up being way longer than i expected so i put it under the cut TwT

also like tw my old art /silly

feel free to ask about more info about any specific one btw i love talking about my little guys

okay so i'm gonna put these in no particular order bcs yeah :33 (also planning on posting more stuff of ocs at some point)

also like a stupid ammount of my ocs have literally no lore or anything lol so like yeah that

so this is my silly little guy ever, it's name is Edd and it is basically just my fursona but also literally me at the same time :33

um so this character basically only exists bcs i selfship w kim from scott pilgrim and i am not normal about it. yeah. also they are transmasc bcs i said so !!!!!

basically just another fursona but like for when i feel younger (transage swag) bcs bright colours fun !!!

LESBIANS !!!!! THEY ARE GAY YOUR HONOUR !!!!! LESBIANNNNNNS !!!!! okay so the one on the left is named rose (she/her transfem) and she likes gardening and growing rare flowers, she owns a large greenhouse that she spends most of her time in. and the one on the right is named warwick (she/he bigender) (also side note who actually names their kids after english towns it's crazy) and she works as a software developer. also i would say they own three cats but rose is a cat so idk how that would work ??? would it be like adopting childeren if you adopt a cat ???

this is perry (she/they) i made them when i had to overnight in the hospital last month so like they are lowkey a comfort/vent thing and don't have any lore but i like drawing them :33

marco (cometcare) kinsona thing bcs yeah :33 his name is xander he/they

so uh. yeah these guys are based off Andre and Cal from Zero Day (2003) and two of my favorite littlest pet shops (which i literally take everywhere with me i am so normal about them)

these guys basically no lore they are just the creatures i doodle when i don't know what to draw :33 (+ bonus iconicles in the second pic(i'm super normal about british kids shows(please ask me about them))) i call them both creature and they both use any pronouns

okay so i have lore for all these guys but part of me wants to make an askblog thing about them so i don't want to put it all here in case i do >:33c the first guy is called pez btw and uses she/it/he

okay so these three are like kind of vent/comfort ocs that i made when my brain was exploding some time like last year (?) and Car Wash (it/its) and Chock (she/he) are mostly based off stuff i was watching at the time and Dougal (they/she) is named after the magic roundabout character but is not connected to it (also random stuff)

just ventsonas for when i need to draw shit and feel sad, not rlly any lore as of yet but i have been thinking of doing that at some point they both use it/its

um. i know she had lore at some point. i havn't drawn her in like a year and i feel really bad that i lowkey forgot about her TwT

comfort guys <3333 mayor starshine it/he and chester she/he/they. siblings who kiss <33 i love them <3333 they are my babies who i love <33 so precious <333

[princess-hope-selfships]

vent, will delete later, I just have to get this out somewhere where people might see it or I'll explode #BadCopingMechanism 🤗

i'm trying to make a living off being an artist and being a streamer but it's so useless i'm so bad and slow at both and i cant do it anymore i'm so tired

why am I even tired I don't even DO anything i'm literally a loser who does nothing but sit on her ass and look at images of The Guys like i sincerely am so useless

everyone produces art at 86987984793487 mph and then there's me who hasn't finished something in weeks

i can't draw my f/os fast i can't draw anything fast i can't finish anything ever i can't do anything right or fast or with sound mind or in a meaningful way, it feels like nothing I do means anything and I barely do anything in the first place, nothing gets done because?? because?? I'm stupid or something, idk???? why can't I just do things like everyone else does, why can't i have a job, why can't I make art and make money and support myself and feel ok

even right now i'm like wehhh oh noooooooo big emotions i don't wanna do anything i wanna just play video games and not think or feel anything anymore 💔

i am just exhausted being the sunshine cute supportive happy princess friend while hating myself, which is no one's fault but mine of course, but. yeah. idk. I need a break. again. probably. i need to get my shit together

my therapist is gonna have a field day with this post 😭

[mspeevee]

Would it help more to ask you questions so you can vent, or would you prefer comfort? If so, would you prefer reassurance or advice?

I know it's a lot, and I don't want to condenscend. But I do promise that you aren't doing anything wrong by feeling this way. Take as much time as you need <3

i just wish i felt like i was important to my friends enough that i was worth the time i put into them back

i wasn't gonna vent but then i exploded anyways.

the gist is that multiple times now i've felt like i do all this effort, messaging first, making art (i don't do it expecting anything back), sharing my life with people only to receive like, appreciation but not reciprocation. and then i watch them do all of that for other people and i can't help but feel like it's my fault. like i am just so replaceable.

and then when i am hurting so bad i understand they don't know what to say me, hell they prolly have my vent and complaining tags blocked i'm sure, but i feel left to rot and seethe until i fucking hate them. and then i feel bad about it, cuz i don't want to, but i'm so tired of feeling this way every few months. it makes me wish i were dead because i don't see any point in going on if no one genuinely cares if i'm in pain or not. not even a simple "hey im sorry you're going through this but i care". i get ignored. and i feel like it reflects my worth to them.

and rn i can't blame myself for feeling so angry about it too when i feel like i'm bleeding out with their backs turned to me. and maybe that's dramatic but i'm not exactly rational right now anyways so.

and later on i prolly won't blame them or anything, i know this is all because my mental health is bad and my brain tortures me using them against me, but when it happens so often and i feel like i'm finally getting better only for something random to set me off into wanting to stop existing again i'm like, well what's the fucking point??

would they even cry about me for that long? would me leaving leave any impact longer than a week? a month? would they regret not taking every chance i gave them to engage with me? did i deserve their time at all anyways? am i selfish for interpreting continual silence as dismissal?

this applies to literally everything but i cannot blame myself for not knowing how people think when they don't tell me. i can't know if anyone likes my art if they don't like it or reblog it or tell me. i can't know that you told your friends you really enjoyed a post on my blog if that's the only people you told.

and obviously that extends to me, too, how can they know i'm slowly resenting them if i dont say something? but isn't that so cruel of me to mention? isn't it so mean of me to make them feel bad for doing harmless things that just so happen to be used as ammo against me because of my own problems by my own brain? should i just stop making friends? where do i give up here? where do i work on it?

honestly i'd love advice, idk how to cope like this. everything online just says therapy but that's not an option for me. im trying so hard to practice mindfulness and challenging the thoughts but they seem so right and like there's so much "proof". "oh you did all this for your friend but they never did it back but look now they're doing it with this new friend! and it's not the first time either, how many times will you assume you mean as much to them as they do to you."

i wish i wasnt struggling alone. even tho i know i'd just think they're lying if they ever reached out to me at least i would remember they tried when i started to come out of this ditch. but no one wants to try with me anymore, and it's my fault.

[our-queer-experience]

Shit. Ok. Ig i'm doing this. This is a rant.

So i'm kind of in a situation. Just saw my best friend. Had a nice time. We talked and ate. And i kind of was dissociating the whole time. And she was really trying to comfort me. And i was partially out of it bc of the exams i have in a week. But also bc i kind of like like her... like in the most gay way possible. And before we parted she took my hands and almost screamed into my face that 'it's gonna be ok' and i almost kissed her in the freaking bus station. I feel literally insane. Thins has been going on for at least 2 years for me but these past few months i just couldn't deny it anymore the fact that i really really like her. And i love her ofc. But it's like my congitive processes just stop when i'm around her. And i have't told a single soul about this before. Like ever. I feel really lost bc i never had so many new sensations in my body before. I'm demi in every way and i don't experience attraction (any kind) like 99% of the time and all is good but then she looks at me or touches me and i'm done for. She is the first person i feel so deeply about. And i'm scared out of my fvcking mind about this. I feel like i'm losing control. I feel like i'm going to mess up our friendship (which has been the most healthy friendship i've had like ever) and idk.... i feel like i'm going to explode. It's all so new i don't know what to do with this. I'm also autistic and very very VERY bad at social stuff in general but like this is so much unexplored territory holy shit.. it doesn't help the fact that whatever i feel i feel really really deeply like it takes up all of my being to process stuff and this? This feels enormous. And i think the worst part is that there is always the possibility that 1. She doesn't like me in that way too (the obvious fear) or 2. She does and we get together but bc we're both so inexperienced with this stuff we're going (i'm going) to mess it up and we like really fit together idk how to say it, it just works and i'm so afraid to lose that. Ik everything is a risk but... i'm at a loss with this...

Idk where i'm going with this ig i just needed to vent all of that out. So yeah... ty for reading :*)

that sounds difficult. my ask box is open if you need to talk at any time!

[thesnailkiwi]

1, 2, 8, 12, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, and 25 for traffic life?

1. The character everyone gets wrong

Okay, see, I know people have different ideas and opinions and headcannons, but OH. MY. GOSH. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED.

The MCYT fandom makes me want to scream half the time. I'm gonna say it. Everyone gets BadBoyHalo wrong. Skeppy, Tommyinnit, JSchlatt, Stressmonster, Niki, and a bunch more, too. Half the time I want to explode in this fandom, so I stick with fanart, unless it's flower husbands. Because most FH shippers can read the characters well.

Musical theatre. People always (well, okay, not *always*) get Heather McNamara wrong when acting. I've seen so many awful versions. And Jenna Rolan from Be More Chill, especially when writing fanfic. Though, lemme tell you, all the characters in Be Less Single (BMC dating sim fan game) were spot on. Perfect, I tell you.

2. Compelling argument why my fave would never top or bottom

OKAY SO LISTEN UP, FUCKERS. MICHAEL MELL IS A SWITCH AND I STAND BY THAT.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

8. Common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about

I'm overthinking. This could either mean opinions ABOUT fandom or fandom discourse. I'm assuming the latter.

I dunno man. I don't pay attention much to other people's opinions. I mean, if they badmouth my blorbos, I will have a compelling argument why the are the best being to exist. Headcannon-wise? I mean, okay, I really don't want this taken the wrong way *at all*. But I don't like it when people include [insert character] is trans/queer/pronouns/mental disability if it doesnt have anything to do with the fafic/story that's being told. I understand if you project or write a vent fic or whatever, because those are things to get out of your brain, or if you headcannon this or that, I get it. But if it has no relevance at all to the story, *if it isn't even mentioned*, DONT PUT IT IN THE GODDAMN TAGS.

It's not really a heated opinion, but I needed that out there.

I don't really like to shit on other people's headcannons. But if the opinion is "glup shitto is a bad character", OR FUKIGN WHATEVER THE FUCK THE MCYT SPACE DID TO NIKI, then I will fight you.

WAIT WAIT DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON TOMMYINNIT X HERMITCRAFT. OR TOMMYINNIT X EMPIRES. UGH. I HATE IT SO MUCH.

12. The unpopular character I like and everyone else hates

Okay. Listen. Purpled. Barely anyone paid attention to that guy because he wasn't a "main character" (there were none in the DSMP, people.) And everyone doesn't like his character after what he did to Slime. But I feel like he's a super deep character that gets overlooked. Quackity literally blew up his house and forced him to go live in Las Nevadas. Quackity also took a lot more from him, too. And when he killed/kidnapped Slime, he was projecting and let all of his grief out on the thing that Quackity cared about, since everything Purpled loved was taken from him.

17. There should be more of this type of fic/art

Okay okay okay. But like, guys. Coffee shop au's. It's simple, right? It's one of the most well known. BUT JESUS, BMC FANDOM, THERE ARE LIKE 5 TOTAL ON AO3. SOULMATE ONES, TOO.

Speaking of soulmates, the Hermitcraft/Life series doesn't have that many non-canon function ones. Like, I want to see timers. Or strings. Or the characters see color for the first time. Or the place their soulmate touches them first changes colors. There's not many.

18. It's absolutely criminal the fandom has been sleeping on...

The MCYT fandom has been sleeping on a bunch of damned bricks, don't even get me started.

There's too much to put for the MCYT fandom.

The BMC fandom has been sleeping on the wholeass line of "If Christine likes me in the end, will I be able to pretend I didn't fail my one real friend?" And all of the hidden stuff in the music. Like how in the broadway version, in The Play, the backtrack plays LGW when Jeremy gives Christine the Mtn Dew Red.

19. I'm mad/ashamed/horrified that I like...

I'm not answering this one. I apologize, but these heinous words do not need to be said to the entire world.

22. The favorite part of Canon everyone ignores

MCYT: everyone ignores smaller creators and literally the entire Canon. So all of it.

BMC: okay, listen, the silver hair the squip has is an absolute banger, okay??? And let's talk about that entire couch scene where Christine rejects Jeremy.

23. The ship I'm unwillingly coming around to

Majorwood. Kill me. I hate it so much omg but like, it slaps.

25. Annoying common fandom complaint

Uh, guys, it's okay to like the Era when ranboo and tubbo were friends. It's not taboo. I still go back and watch vods.

Sorry that one genuinely pisses me off whenever I see people like, "I wish that never happened". Like, guys, don't ignore important parts of what got ranboo to who he is and where he is today. Educate the young boobers. It's not wrong to like when two people are friends.

Then I hate it when people complain about shipping convex and are like "they're brothers!" No, they're not. That's your headcannon, not mine. Same with Grian and Jimmy. They aren't brothers. You can ship them if you want, just don't make it weird.

Anyway, thank you as per usual for sending me the ask, trash the beloved

[moon-meerkat]

also. if your friend is venting too much to the point it's upsetting you, you need to tell them! you don't have to be a cunt about it but for the love of god don't keep it in til it explodes. when i was 17-18 i would not stfu about this one guy i was feeling very intensely about. to him i was a friend he wanted to make out with. to me he was ??? like i was so absurdly confused about this all the time. and not only did we have different views and wants in regards to relationships, i'd never had a serious one and was questioning if i'm aroace (still haven't and still am) and had a super unrealistic view of relationships (bc of fiction and how i was raised and grew up). this started right before the pandemic so the whole thing being online made it impossible to know my full feelings on the situation. he'd recently told my bff that he didn't want a serious relationship at the moment, and to me then that was the only option i'd try. and every so often i'd hear of him flirting w other ppl. and he's friends with some of the boys who bullied me in middle school (i have c-ptsd). so i DECIDED i wasn't gonna date him and just waited for him to get tired of me. this went on for a year. then out of nowhere he showed up dating some girl, and didn't talk to me for the 2 weeks they dated. then he went to talk to me again and to me this confirmed i was a backup plan. then i ghosted him and moped about the situation for several months. (a year after getting over it i got sad about it again and met up w him and we made up but that's another story). throughout all of this, i talked to my bff about it all the time, partly bc he knew the guy, partly bc i wanted to tell him and needed to vent and thought we were bonding, partly bc i was confused, partly bc i was new to the emotional vulnerability of sharing, partly bc my thoughts and anxiety were too much for me and partly bc i got addicted to asking others how to respond to texts i got instead of just saying what i wanted. then i realised i was using up a fuckton of our time talking with stuff about this guy, and started asking my bff to please never hesitate to tell me his stuff, and hey you can talk to me about anything! please, i'm here for you! i didn't wanna just stop talking about this and i wanted to be a good friend and i wanted reciprocity. my bff recently fought with me and said that at that time, the thing that was bothering him WAS my excessive wondering and venting. he said that me overwhelming him was what he vented to to his mom, and that he just couldn't tell me this. the venting from the 2 years i wasted on that guy are his biggest grievance in our friendship. and i regret all of it, ofc. leaning on my bff so hard that i overwhelmed him for so long, it's a horrible thing to realise i did. i regret the situation itself too, obv, it would've been better to make a dumb mistake than stay in an ambiguous situation and worry about it so much i fucked it up way worse. but the damage i did to my bff... obv i wish i could take it all back, and even if he didn't tell me, to some degree i should've known. but because it went on for as long as it did, and went unaddressed for as long as it did, it caused a way bigger dent in our friendship than it would've for him to just tell me then. he kept this beneath the surface for so long while i thought it was fine, and it was so bad that when it added up with more recent stuff he just blew up on me with so much piled up. he never told me i was damaging our friendship and now i worry it's beyond repair.

TLDR: COMMUNICATE

also a lot of the other stuff he fought me over is regarding some stuff i do in my life that he doesn't understand, but instead of ASKING me why i do stuff he just made up his own theories and believed them. and i told him this and he said he couldn't ask bc i'd get defensive when like. no? just don't be a dick about it. ask bc you wanna know my answer, not bc you think you know the answer. and he did some fucked shit too, a lot of it BECAUSE of this lack of communication and understanding. anyway he doesn't recognize he fucked up too and didn't really acknowledge my apology and i can't have a calm conversation w him about it bc he will start to practically yell at me. and like ik i took a long ass time to see what i did wrong but like goddamn dude some of this is obvious.

“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

[sincelastsession]

Therapy went well I feel. I am looking in my inbox for the dissociative information you were gonna send me. I really need to find a printer that doesn't have cartridges that are a zillion dollars. I'd like to be able to print out things and put it in a bright colored big binder, I think that would help me not lose therapy papers. Adhd is a bitch to find loopholes for.

One thing my Dominant partner does is loophole my brain to stop when I'm in a worry spiral. I really want to know why on earth my brain stops the bullshit for him and not other ppl or myself. It just feels like my brain clicks into place. Sometimes if he has time we have a little play and he puts me in sub space. It feels like complete relief like I'm floppy relaxed and floating and I crave and chase that feeling. There's nothing that compares. The idea of letting anyone else dominate me is sickening. It gives me a break, it's like letting someone else drive when you're so exhausted from life. He isn't a perfect Dom because honestly as a woman that has been a Domme it's not easy to always accommodate your subs and we've had hiccups but I don't think I'd trade him out for anyone else in the D/s dynamic. We've been on a break from playing for a bit because of his lack of time which bums me out but I know he can't fix that currently and is having a hard time so I've been holding space and giving him praise and recognition for being there for me at the capacity he can be currently. I think he deserves it and I'm not fawning. Sometimes I worry he will be mad. This is a very irrational fear of mine. But I worry about even the calmest of men exploding at me. I think it stems from my dad issues and general bad experiences with men. Matt knows about my fears and keeps his anger generally private unless he's asking to vent about something and needing support which he rarely does these days. At a long distance I feel as safe with him as I would in person. There are people i've known longer than him but not all of them are safe. Very few are safe, even the most well meaning in my mind.

My ex is also protective of me.

I find it odd that the men that are sorta grouchy assholes to others see me and are like "I WANT THAT WEIRD GOBLIN CREATURE AND IM GONNA PROTECT IT" This trope is HILARIOUS to me. I literally don't understand why though. I can't complain.

Travis is going to take pto for the therapy appointment.

He got me an iPad from his work with a digital art program I've been wanting. He said it was because I'm doing a good job and handling things well. I told him he didn't have to but he said he wanted to and emphasized he didn't expect anything in return and just wanted to make me happy. I'm really grateful for a friend with no ulterior motives. He works at CACRC downtown and it's just a refurbished one, they sorta get their pick of things they aren't going to sell so he assured me it wasn't something I needed to even consider paying him back for lol because I'd been talking abt buying a used one.

I do wish sometimes I had feelings for Travis other than just a really good big brother type. I wish we could cuddle as friends however I don't feel comfy and he gets it. Sometimes he gets big hugs tho. He really deserves a good woman to be the maw maw to his paw paw. I have sorta made it a side mission to wing woman and introduce him to people so they can see his kind heart. He has been through addiction and homelessness and is part of the recovery circuit in the sense I could call and ask if we could "find a bed" for someone ready to get help.

I've told him he'd make a fine therapist and counselor for people with autism and drug addiction especially. I think you will see that.

I feel lucky to have such a supportive friend.

[da-crechur]

It's funny how usually those blogs are mutuals only while I purposefully keep mine a secret

I'd rather no one I know sees it cuz I hate hate the thought of ppl seeing me struggle and being like, concerned and shit, it makes me so uncomfortable they'd ask if I'm like okay and all and I'm not not really but it's not like I'm gonna tell them or anything

Also I just, hate the idea of someone feeling bad cuz of this, especially how often I post abt feeling shitty after hanging out with friends, that's just make me so guilty

But also I need to have a place to vent or else I think my head will explode

If any of my mutuals finds it, they'll defo know it's me, but, well, we'll worry when we get there

Not like I'm gonna kick ppl out or anything, if they can find it they can stay

[thecryptidprincess]

God I hate my fuckin' job.

TW: self harm/cutting mention, bullying, harassment

So, I'm a pretty open book. Last month I hit one year clean of cutting myself and that's it the biggest accomplishment of my life. Never in the past decade have I ever gone a while year without hurting myself. I'm proud of myself, but I know with how my life has been going it's been hard to keep that up. I've been doing it, but it ain't easy.

Now, I'm also pretty open at work. I told some of coworkers including one of my trainers (who I was cool with and shit) and she said she was proud of me, but now it's the fuckin' butt of jokes she throws at me. Anytime I complain about something she makes comments along the lines of, "What, are you gonna cut yourself now?" And with me being at work I just kinda brush it off but she is relentless with it. It's starting to wear down on me. She also knows I don't have the best self-esteem and I have a great relationship right now with an amazing guy I met online, but I mentioned the other day about something about being loved and she said "oh like you could be loved" like??? What kind of fucked up shit is that? I'm already barely hanging on by a thread and she's not even roasting me, she's just straight up bullying me at this point. And I keep my mouth shut because she's the team trainer and she's close with the managers, and it's retail so of course so I don't even know how to bring it up without outing myself that I only until recently stopped hurting myself. I'm just so tired of being a person that's looked at as easy to make fun of and to disregard my fucking feelings. I'm so tired. And now I keep getting so fucking defense with my boyfriend for no reason and almost picking fights because I'm so much on the defense that I end up defensive with him. It's draining me so much, but I can't even quit because I can't find a job that pays as much as this job that barely keeps me above water. I'm worn out and just want people to treat me like a person, not some fucking punching bag. And now I'm so close to relapsing because I hate myself even more now and I feel extremely bad when I'm defensive to my boyfriend and I don't even wanna vent to him about this shit because I know I'm just gonna breakdown by his responses (not that they are bad responses, he's just super logical and sometimes isn't the most emotional first which he's also like the most socially awkward person I've ever met so it tracks). I'm just ready to explode and I needed to get it out somewhere and this was my first thought because I can get it out fast. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[lorddeathofmurdermountain]

Heya guys I just need to vent because a Redditor was arguing with me and couldn't handle someone disagreeing with him so said something infuriatingly dumb and blocked me so I'm just gonna post my mini rant here so I don't explode. Also a rant/explanation in the tags bc why not.

Okay here goes

Oh boo fucking hoo let me throw some words at you, pretend like you're the bad guy because "hurr Durr I saw your profile", make up the idea that I never complained about anything else (which is false) and then block me so that I can't actually argue with you. Nice strawmanning technique all in all.

Idgaf that the IS-3 was *developed* but a few years after the Tiger, it's still broken as shit. And what does the time frame of its development have to do with the balance of the game? Because if that's what we're going for, then the 76 Jumbo, being ALSO made in 1944 just like the IS-3 should *obviously* be a 7.0 and not 6.3, right? RIGHT? And since the 75 Jumbo is just the same tank but with a smaller gun it should OBVIOUSLY go up from 5.3 to 6.0 at least.

I'm being an asshole because *you* are being pretentious and *I* don't feel like pretending either of us is better. I know you won't see it, but I do hope you have a second account, because people like you tend to have one, so you can see this and continue to seethe at the idea that not everyone agrees with you.

[pixelkip]

Hey it's an anxietyposting night bc being alone with my thoughts sucks ass . Sorry in advance . Vent warning for what's under the cut

Today in the evil brain chemicals: getting really really paranoid about some shit u engaged in like a year ago bc you were In Too Deep with either terminal brainrot or an uncomfortable social situation and now that u think about it now it makes u just a lil bit uncomfortable or feels a lil bit wrong and your anxiety doesn't know whether this is completely unimportant or a Major Fucking Deal that you need to sort out or else you're a horrible disgusting person and you really wanna come to some kinda conclusion about how you actually feel about it so your brain will just be quiet for once but . The anxiety says no you must panic about it and never forgive yourself for the slightest possibility of having done something wrong until you either scream about it to someone or simply explode. This post is me doing the 2nd option btw. Actually kinda both but whatever . And I wanna tell my brain hey maybe the fact I'm thinking on these things again and my thoughts about it are changing means I've grown as a person but my brain goes LALALALLALALALA I CANT HEAR YOU OVER HOW HORRIBLE AND GUILTY YOU ARE.

my anxiety will not understand the concept of "you can make a bad choice or do something wrong and that doesnt mean youre a horrible irredeemable person bc no one is perfect" specifically for myself. Even when I've been told by both a therapist and my own parents that I'm emotionally kinda behind for my age so of fucking course I'm gonna look at shit I did or got involved in and go hm I don't like that. Maybe being online so much or something is making me more paranoid about ever doing anything wrong, maybe it's just making me think about it more, idfk. Maybe none of this makes any sense but I just don't wanna be entirely alone with my stupid thoughts rn. Wow this was not supposed to get this long oh well

[ophelius-is-tired]

Also since I'm already pissed off and venting

Seriously being a trans guy is great sometimes but urgh I also sometimes want to bash my head into the nearest brick wall until I'm literally dragged away from it (my fiance would probably be the one dragging me which is part of why I don't play matchmaker with my skull and bricks) but urgh! Shit is so fucking annoying. My fucking family doctor intentionally prolonged, dodged and avoided getting me a GD diagnosis for almost my entire teenage years, even though I begged with him to put me on testosterone or at least hormone blockers - and now that I'm an adult the dude is retiring leaving me with some random ass doctor he trained who may very well put me through the same run around bullshit his ass did. Everybody insists on calling you your legal name so you get to either suck it up and try your best to bear it when it comes to dysphoria or get zero medical treatment until your name is changed, and even then they may insist on using feminine nicknames or some shit! Going about self referral where I live - which is the only option for most people because doctor's literally do not fucking care or simply lack time or knowledge or both - is hell, the waitlist is huge because there's only one goddamn clinic and yet queerphobes are still whining when guess what? Nobody is transitioning and if they are their lives are still hell! - So what more could the fucking phobes really want at this goddamn point? Our hearts and souls on their dinner platter? Like ffs.

Oh and don't get me started on after you transition legally. If you don't change your healthcard to the sex or gender you're working on transitioning to even if your name is changed they'll still call you by the wrong pronouns! How do I know? They do it to my fiance all the bloody time! Everytime I see or hear it I feel like I'm going to explode. And most people would say I'm overreacting but if somebody is coming in for a testosterone shot each week with their name legally changed with a very clear request on his patient profile to call him by "he" and asks you to call him a "he" it shouldn't be that fucking hard to at least muster a goddamn they instead of slapping she on him because you don't agree with or dislike the fact that he's a disabled gay unemployed transman. The amount of prying into stranger's business completely unrelated to the medical services that doctors provide just because they're older than and want to make comments about other people is insane. Like please kindly consider doing your job and leaving us alone you do not need to know if my fiance is still in college and why he's transitioning and what he does in his free time so you can tell him what he should be doing with his education and with his employment status and shit! He can pay his goddarn bills and if he fucking can't I fucking can, poke him with a needle and let us be on our merry fucking way, goodbye, adios, au revoir, genuinely I'm done with the fucking around - its getting really fucking hard to walk in there with a fake fucking smile and a thank you after they're done their stupid interrogations. He comes in every week, this is not small talk, it is very clearly you wanting to know details you don't need to fucking know because he has a cane, he's transgender and he comes in for testosterone. Fucking nosy around somebody else's business for an hour we have lives to live.

Back to my old family doctor because I am still fuming about that guy - he was great /s

Bro really was like I know you're super depressed, you got PTSD, you've got a really unhealthy anxiety disorder just playing parasite in your brain - sucking the energy outta you, really bad Gender Dysphoria that I refuse to diagnose, possibly misdiagnosed BPD, probably some good ol' ADHD and OCD and more than likely a good couple layers of Bipolar or some other disorder - you wanna know what I'm gonna do kiddo? Throw you on drugs, up them super fast and then have appointments with you where essentially your mom and I talk about you like you're too young to speak for yourself - you are 17 but who fucking cares, am I right? And I'm gonna try to bribe you that if you take these drugs that cause you panic attacks, bad paranoia and may have thrown you off a cliff towards literal fucking psychotic symptoms - you might be allowed to take testosterone or hormone blockers ^-^

But only if your current mental illnesses go away - completely and only if that happens will I maybe possibly if I'm in a good mood consider considering allowing you to transition.... maybe! It just depends on how I'm feeling in a year... or two years! Or maybe never! Who knows! Now go take this huge dose of meds that I'm upping like once a week even though you're reacting really shit to it but you're "behaving" better for your mom and having less episodes (aka reacting less to her intentionally triggering your anxiety and PTSD because you're too fucking delusional to function) ^-^

Love being a dude with fucking abnormal ass periods/s

Like the fucking thing will be gone for the entire summer and then I'll have plans around my birthday in early October and it'll be like yeah... yeah about that.. guess what bitch? I'm staying for the foreseeable future. Look, see? I already packed my suitcase and I'm moving back the fuck in.