#and now I have STIMULI
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Just watched 'Dead Boy Detectives' and am painfully reminded of how desperately I NEED to be an Edwardian ghost
#dead boy detectives#i've now become obsessed with this show thank you Neil Gaiman for co-producing yet ANOTHER show for the gays theys and autistics#but i'm being serious when I say that I aspire to be an olden day ghost#even when I was younger I said that I wanted to give off the impression of a Victorian ghost#and now I have STIMULI#but I loved everything about the show. Give me 4 fucked up misfits who miraculously band together to perform the upmost tomfoolery ever#and bridge the realms between the dead the living and the serving#PLEASE watch so that we can get a season two !!#dead boy detective agency#the dead boy detectives#edwin payne#charles rowland#crystal palace#niko sasaki#and JENNNYYYY
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You know at first I didn't believe it when fiber artists on tumblr would tell me to be wary of the fiber art slippery slope. And yet. I hear the siren call of the spindle. Fellow crafters help me resist. Tie me to the fucking mast. Please.
#fiber arts#crafts#craftblr#yarnblr#knitting#spinning#drop spindle#i can't start learning how to spin now i just can't#please i still live with my parents i have no storage space#it is the need for new stimuli#my enclosure is small but i yearn for enrichment#lisa says the things
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I love not being able to even go to the next room over and bake my cake because my fucking father is blaring his stupid fuckjng tv so loud
#LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I CANNOT LEAVE MY TINY HALLWAY.#IT IS PAINFUL. I AM VERY EASILU OVERSTIMULATED BY SOUND.#like. 1 i dont wanna hear his far right talk show shit 2 the people are Loud and often Yell and talk over each other#3 the tv is UNGODLY loud to begin with. i can clearly understand it from across the goddamn hojse with the door closed#my mother ks like 'oh its vause he cant hesr the tv' OK?? HE HAS KNOWN THIS ID AN AISSUE FOR YEARS??#he refuses to do. like. literally anything. even though its now to the point of I Cannot Leabe My Room#and yes! k have noise cancelling headpjones on!#idek how im gonna handle getting dinner#or eating it. since its a Rule toneat at the table. which is rjght next tonthe tv#also i meed. Quiet. for cooking and baking#it uses a lot of my brain power i cannot afford tk spend on processing and filtering excess stimuli
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just remembered my current phone has a radio app and the earbud wires act as an antenna... ahh, reminds me of my childhood before smartphones when my father would punish my life disrupting sleep issues by confiscating the power cable of my computer/unplug the Lan cable every evening (even going so far as straight up cutting off the power cable to my TV at one point when I'd watch TV all night until I could fall asleep) and I'd channel surf and listen to the radio on my dinky little Sony Erricson W395 all night while drawing until I was tired enough to pass out <3
all the music I discovered and all the horror radio plays I listened to over the years... :')
#looking back i've always had trouble with quieting my mind without outside stimuli huh#first it was the TV and books. then mostly the TV. then the computer and the TV. and now it's mostly the computer for yt videos and my phone#like if there's no video or music or some type of audio occupying my brain i go INSANE#same reason i need asmr. and have a tough time sleeping anywhere where there's no wifi/i can't access the audiovisual mind blast#if i'm alone with my mind undampened and unfiltered i go 1000% insane. no sleep. only cringe and worry and evil all night#and it has ALWAYS been this way even when i was a toddler. even without any type of electronics in my room#ANYWAY. RADIO MY BELOVED <3
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DAAAAAAAAAAAAX <3 <3 (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#DAX#ZEX#Hello I have been inconsolable ever since ZEX mentioned that he wished DAX were there so he wouldn't be the only VUX#It is a hideously addictive thought - DAX being there to support his Admiral - he certainly could use it!#Talana got pulled in from Zelnick's girlfriend's ''real'' counterpart - why not Dexter!! Hghgh#It sets my brain on fire (terribly affectionate)#I love DAX sm ;; I love ZEX sm! I love their dynamic sm ;;;;#He would've been such a comfort hhh my head is full of all these horrifically self-indulgent scenes of They ♥#Firstly of them meeting up with each other!! ZEX is very tactile haha <3 He needs the physical reassurance so bad haha ;u;#Not quite like twining arms but DAX won't recoil at least <3 Hugs good!#Can you tell that second one was a spacefiller lol#ZEX very well acquainted with crying now haha - at least it's for something positive! For once :')#Ugh imagining their little differences in approach is so fjdkslafdf - same stimuli different outcomes! I love them hgh#I like to imagine DAX just observing the showers with a distant annoyance-interest like ''What the heck is that'' lol#Very dissimilar from ZEX's Intense interest but not actually picking up any skills from the experience lol#But really it's just my secret desire for DAX to learn how to wash hair so he can corral his Admiral into taking care of his body haha#Two VUX would have a very different kind of scaffolding of learning how to get along! They'd both benefit from whatever one finds out!#Might keep ZEX just a teensy bit more on track of finding things out to report back and help DAX out hehe <3 Maybe possibly lol#Still wouldn't stop him from hitting on DAX hehehehe ♪ What's this? Someone he likes and trusts in a human form? Hmm :)#Hhhh they ;; Recreating the scene of Max coming onto Dex and then Dexter turning it around on him - not that they'd know#I'm fine this is fine I'm not crying or anything ;;;; Parallels are my favourites I can't stand this <3 <3#There's just so much to think about! And it's all so much to me!! ♥
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A hiatus, or semi-hiatus, of sorts.
Trigger warnings for cancer and parental death.
#My mother is dying.#Shes been in pain for quite a while#but everythings come to a head in the last few months because of developing cancer that we were completely blindsided by#and now its almost entirely too late#I dont know how much time I have with her. theres still that slim possibility that she could bounce back but it isnt looking that way.#what does this mean for me on here? well im not sure yet.#If youve been following for a really REALLY long time you'd know that i was around here when my father died back in 2017.#I cope with grief by distracting myself with outside stimuli and drawing.#because of the circumstances: this time is different#im not sure if i'll be on here at all or if ill be on here too much to not think about it. but eventually something will happen#and I'll need to give my attention to my family#im not posting this out to get pity or sympathy. I dont like to hear things like that. im posting this because there are#some people who i only talk to on tumblr#and I dont want to make people worry about me if I'm suddenly gone for months at a time (if this comes to pass)#if you've read this far. thank you.#personal
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It has only just dawned on me that I never said this out loud anywhere, so:
If I followed you but then unfollowed you or one of your side blogs, please don't take that personally! I still love you, we're still friends! I am just very easily overwhelmed, especially by visual images and frequent posting. Usually I unfollow because my vision fatigue is being set off too much, which is not any sort of failing on your part, it's just how my crappy 1/10 of an eyeball (doesn't) work. The exact same thing happens when I try to shop for groceries. XD
#razz rambles#it disappoints me every time I have to unfollow someone because of this :(#just blind things#even when it's a blog for a fandom I'm very dedicated to I often have to unfollow cuz too much visual stimuli#I've had to leave many Discord servers for this as well :(#and I don't follow many artists anymore for the same reason#man going even more blind with age sucks sometimes#granted I had these problems before but had more energy to ignore them#now my brain is so riddled with problems that it refuses to cooperate with half my major senses XD
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I'm having an overstimulated sort of night and I swear, at times like this, I relate to Daniel wanting to go make his little models quietly until everything gets manageable again.
#i know we both be dealing with grief snd mental illness#but also jfc the bombardment of information and people and media stimuli is enough to make you wince#someone get daniel a pet to focus on at TG#i know he has his own collar but i feel like actually having a puppet or alpaca or whatever would help him while out alone#or if he had a cat like mine who thinks shes a dog#also now im wondering in the bed pile does Armand decide what night it is by picking out who's wearing their collar tonight#he wants to sub then he wants his etc
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Sometimes I forget I have C-PTSD until I think "Hey Imma go do computer stuff in the living room / at the living room desk so I can be in the same room as my fiance playing games" and out of nowhere for no reason my brain turns the hypervigilance on max and ramps up the stress and I was like
"On second thought, I think Ill go right back to our room with my birds thank you" XD
My cockatiels are my emotional support birds and are used to less predictability in routine and staying up until I do, so I am letting them wake up and stay up next to me but they have to be quiet else the sleeping lovebirds might get jealous XD
#alter: riku#literally other than it being more open and more stimuli#but not more than usual to note#my brain was like#if we try to do anything right now other than panic we will panic#so I was like ok have it your way back to cozy room I guess#cptsd#ptsd#c-ptsd
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Identifying which things are incredibly difficult for me because of adhd, and deciding to no longer do them, instead of forcing myself to do them because I should be able to do them, is honestly so freeing.
#personal#The constant information that'd be put in my brain by texts and all the little emotional responses that come with it#Was so fucking overwhelming and infuriating so I've decided to just check my texts twice a week#And the constant information and stimuli that'd come with using certain apps is kinda exhausting so I've deleted most apps#And am gonna work on spending less time on the ones left#I'm now more aware of others situations I keep finding myself in that make me overdtimulated and exhausted#And I'm gonna hopefully just not do those anymore and find replacement activities#I was shopping with my sister and I was so overstimulated from all the people and sounds and smells#And having to have a conversation with my sister with music blasting#And it's like this everytime so maybe I should just not do that anymore#And I just went out for dinner with my mother and my niece and she had a breakdown and she always does in the evening 'cause she's Done#And I don't wanna do that either#I'm fully zoned out now because I got more stimuli in one hour than I normally do in four days#Painting with her this afternoon was perfect and quiet but God all those people and kids......#Don't wanna do that anymore either am more happy to spend a few hours during the day with her#If only my sister didn't live two hours away I could#I'll figure something out#Personal#Everybody's always like God you're so autistic and like... maybe you're all just incredibly fucking loud All the time#Just ordered those loop earplugs and I'm gonna take some steps to start working from home more#'Cause my administration days are a huge struggle. I'm constantly being interrupted and bothered by people#I'm sick of trying to force myself to do the 'normal' thing. It's obviously not working.
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who even wakes up at this hour!!! [<- is awake at these hours]
#just me hi#i Officially woke up at 5 a.m. today and Wah#i missed watching the sky slowly light up :)#still kinda tired tho so!! maybe i'm just cursed or summin lol!!#//anyway aside from the Curse of Exhaustion i Think i have other things to be doing ?#honestly i don't even know lol‚ i Think but i don't Rember#/i've definitely gotta finish drawing fpaa cuz i wanna post on the 30th#but also i Suck at sticking to schedules so that's in god's hands now#/mmm‚ i think i had to......#uh............#genuinely What was it - there was something i had to do!!#but i-! [dramatically falls onto a couch left on the side of the street] Don't Remember I Think !!#or it could just be the Magic playing tricks on me again. it be like that#for Example i was terribly anxious yesterday for Literally No Reason#and TRUST me i checked!! double checked!! went back in time five years to make sure nothin was up!! there was nothing going onnnnnnn#so could just be residual Magic left in my brain lol#//oh i have GOT to draw Oath again. for my health#i keep thinking about him and then i physically just Don't#mentally though it's like being steeped in tea. i'm in there ykno what i mean#might i'll put him in a car or something‚ let him run over another parson or something. for the stimuli#//anyway i'm starting to slowly clock back out braincell-wise so :0 toodles :>
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Masking my sensory problems less than before making my whole family worried cuz they interpret my body language in some way when i literaly just needed to come home take off my pants and watch bionicle videos in the dark
#MY BROTHER WAS CRYING CUZ HE ''DIDNT KNOW HOW TO HELP ME'' ????? dude i was just not talking......#like he wanted to like rub my arm to comfort me or something bit i obviously moved cuz thats more stimuli but like. why you crying#did i really look like i was in that level of emotional pain????? i just was momentraely not talking. and not making facial expresions#why do ppl have such extreme reactions to this things why do they interpret me like this!!!! i dont understand#its so confusing to me and it makes me mad. and they fucking. pity me???? like feel sad for me???? when im not sad!!!!!#why do they wanna emotionaly comfort me when im not! emotional!!!! im not having an emotional reaction!!!!! leave me alone#i dont need to be treated like they do why does it hurt them so much that im different. im finally not faking im actually happier like this#but why does it seem to hurt them so bad. it has nothing to do with them#and the nerve. the nerve to be simpathetic to me NOW. when they never where before. like they arent now if i dont show strong signs#that they deem aproiate#im pissed. im frustrated. i dont get it#i truly do not understand
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i wish my brain would . stop. or at least slow down a bit
#the fey speaks#cant even finish one thought before i get interrupted by 5 more....#truthfully wonder if what was diagnosed as adhd when i was a kid was actually a combo of autism + mania#maybe not though. tbh. maybe i have a 'delightful' mix of all three.#but anyway i was saying that because i don't actually USUALLY have my own thoughts distract me from my own thoughts.#i'm pretty distractable via external stimuli but not so much internal . except for when i am manic.#and idk the thoughts interrupting thoughts things seems like an adhd experience. but like i could still have it and just not that symptom.#i am not even really thinkinga bout this to be clear. this is just word vomit#even if i wanted to consider 'whether or not i actually have adhd'#which i do not.#i am pretty sure under normal brain conditions i have never doubted it#so i am probably just like. seeing things wrong right now#sorry my brain shut whatever i was thinking about there down already i forgot where i was going#i think i was just gonna say i think it wouldn't be very fruitful TO consider it. consdiering im a bit impaired atm#probably not the right way to word that but whatever.#ACKTUALLY maybe i shouldn't even be manic posting in the first place?
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the horrors quarantine has done to me.. i almost bought an ungodly amount of michaels craft supplies over instacart before coming to my senses.. when will i be released from my cage to roam the isles again…
#i have done nothing besides roll around in bed and sniffle for the past 3 days now#i NEEDDD craft stimuli NOW
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having the issues i have is literally exhausting. like why do the miseries have to be ceaseless and the horrors unending.
#purrs#idk if im swaddling my inner child or str*ngling her (sorry) but she needs to stop crying bc my GOD i can’t keep living like this. my counse#counselor literaly told me i could get fired if i end up working somewhere else (🤨👊💥) and don’t heal AJD it’s like ok you’re right but also#shut up don’t fucking say that. but he is also so right like i can’t keep living like this. i was anxious and agitated all day and it’s good#that no one noticed but also like it takes so much energy just to sit in one place and do my work and respond to the stimuli and not start a#sobbing and howling. i hate this shitty fucking situation i want it to be over so i never have to feel this helpless again but im feeling pr#pretty helpless right now mutuals. i am feeling pretty helpless and i also cannot breathe because the elephants are taking up too much space#and i mean that in more ways than one. i don’t even have the energy to play video games rn like literally all i want to do is sleep. omg#still not as bad or in as bad a place as last week. and thank god i have not been dizzy since friday. but this is really pushing my limit. l#like im scared my heart is gonna give out from pounding so hard and i was trying to do affirmations w mysef and talk myself through the#logic and it didn’t work really and im like 😐 plus like almost every triggering / upsetting kind of situation that can happen has happened#today and i haven’t flipped out abt it it’s been more like slowly chipping away at me and.. i am at my fucking limit. i need to sit in a#sensory deprivation tank. and i also need to get married and/or a phd immediately. and i also need a lobotomy.
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LEAAAAAVINNNNNNN ONNNNA JET PPLAAAANEEE
#i should have procrastinated packing to tomorrow im so sleeeeepyangry now but :]#my enclosure (umwelt) is about be an environment with familiar but different stimuli 😵💫
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