#and now i’m unhappy too bc I inadvertently made YOU unhappy!!!

[clanoffelidae]

People: I listen to everything!

Me: okay cool! -puts on one of the most popular and mainstream metal bands to play it safe like Rammstein or Korn-

People: not that tho :/

Me: alright that’s cool -puts on psytrance-

People: not that either :/

Me: just say you want me to put on the top 100 billboard if that’s what you want please

I’m not saying ‘oH My MuSiC TaSTe iS So WeiRD’, LOADS of people love metal and I’m one of them!!! I’ve happily indoctrinated two of my friends into Powerwolf, lots of people like metal! I also love a lot of edm and like surrealism so they may overlap depending on my mood, loads of people love that kind of stuff!!!

But like, if you don’t actually want to listen to ‘anything’ say so!!! People have different tastes and that’s fine!!! I myself generally answer with ‘I’m quite fond of metal (though I prefer if the vocalist is singing; nothing against growling and screaming and I quite like it as an add on for extra flavor, but I’m partial towards more audible melodies is all!), edm, and a lot of orchestral/choral music; but I’m open to trying anything! I tend towards specific genres but I’ve found specific country songs I liked, rap, more classic pop, latin music; so I’m not closed off to anything by genre alone and am willing to give anything a try!’

Because that’s the truth. If you don’t want to try a certain genre SAY so!!! Most people will respect it!!! I myself am open to trying most anything and if I don’t like the particular song I can just tune it out or put my headphones in! You can put on what you want instead of saying you like ‘everything’ because you don’t want to sound picky and then getting uncomfortable when you don’t actually like what I pick but didn’t want to say it. It saves a lot of stress for everyone, especially when things like headphones exist nowadays so we DON’T have to listen to the same thing!!!

People have different tastes and no one will think less of you for not liking a specific type of music. Those who do are stuck up snobs and shouldn’t have their opinions on music valued anyway. Just be honest and everyone will have a much more enjoyable experience, please.

[lesbeet]

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for the posts you made about pcos because they meant a lot to me. I was diagnosed as a teen and the symptoms have caused me tons of gender dysphoria that I still struggle with daily. But I would always feel guilty for feeling that way because as a (pretty much cis) afab person, I felt like I wasn’t entitled to those feelings, or that I was alone in them. Anyway, I just wanted you to know how deeply you’ve affected me and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love ❤️

i’m so glad angel <3 but yeah i absolutely feel like that describes my own experience as well. 

it’s not something i’ve really discussed in detail publicly—in part bc i didn’t really conceive of what i was experiencing as gender dysphoria until pretty recently, and bc like you said, i didn’t feel like it was an experience that was available for me to claim since i’m also “a (pretty much cis) afab person.” i typically think of myself as “functionally” cis in that i receive the material benefits of a cis woman and don’t necessarily feel like being trans is an accurate way to describe my experiences or feelings about my own gender, but ever since i was a kid i’ve felt distress and discomfort about the way my body doesn’t feel...aligned? with the way i feel gender-wise. 

like i guess the easiest way to describe it is that i feel like my body makes me come across as more masculine than i am, and it’s caused a lot a lot a lot of emotional distress for as long as i can remember. my pcos symptoms (mostly the excess body hair and the way my body holds onto weight, personally) are w/o a doubt the primary cause for me, but being a lesbian certainly didn’t/doesn’t help, and in hindsight even some of my adhd symptoms probably contribute/d to this in some way

like i have clear memories of being maybe 8 or 9 (so before puberty, and before most of my pcos symptoms really manifested) and lying in bed at night thinking like...”i feel like i should be a boy.” not “i WANT to be a boy” or “i WISH i was a boy” or even “i AM a boy”, but that i should be, or that i should want to be. and then i would imagine myself as a boy and it would make me so desperately uncomfortable and unhappy because it was so at odds with how i felt on the inside, even though i WAS a girl. i honestly don’t think i’ve ever talked about this lmfao it’s always just kinda been tucked in the back of my mind bc i didn’t really have an understanding of what i was feeling

so there’s little baby lesbian me who definitely knows she likes girls but would jump in front of a bus before admitting that to herself, let alone to anyone else, and on top of that i’ve always been overweight, esp compared to most other girls my age growing up, and especially as a little kid i didn’t really share the same ~girly~ interests as a lot of my friends—i never liked playing with dolls, i didn’t care about makeup until i felt like i needed it to make me pretty, etc. and bc of (then-undiagnosed) adhd i was usually more like. messy and disorganized and LOUD than a lot of my friends who were girls. so i would just walk around feeling like this brutish, masculine child who looked awkward and dumb when i would like go to dance class (which i LOVED....when i didn’t have to look in the mirror) or hang out with my friends or whatever

and i feel like even though i’ve always been pretty feminine i’ve also gotten more *girly* as i’ve gotten older (or at least i got over my “i’m not like other girls” syndrome lmfao), which has helped, along with just being more comfortable w myself and w my sexuality for sure. but even now i still feel like i look inherently more masc than i feel like i am, and it still causes me distress. like there are certain things i would love to wear but don’t bc they would make me look “too masc” and would trigger the dysphoria. like i looooove looking at like feminine women in suits and i LOVE women in button-up shirts but i feel like i can’t wear them because it doesn’t come across the same way. when i do it i just look like i’m intentionally dressing to look masc, which i’m not

idk if any of this makes sense lol

and if i’m misinformed about my understanding of gender dysphoria please feel free to let me know

but anyway i’m glad i was able to help you! <3 and thank you for inadvertently giving me this opportunity to get all of this out bc like i said i’ve never really talked about it before

[amaryllisblackthorn]

part 3

so. it’s been a while. i had this pretty much written up months ago but i petered out near the end which is why it took so long to post it. 

so this covers my thoughts&observations on ep37+38 regarding takeru+ken post-kaiser. i’ll be posting another post later summing up my overall thoughts.

part 1 | part 2

[ep37]

ken tends to have a lot of anger in his voice when talking to archnemon, which makes sense. it's personal. and just like yamato said; ken and takeru share similar feelings.

daisuke: we worked so hard :D (looking back and forth between friends) takeru: you're right C: daisuke: right? right?

ken and iori aren’t looking at daisuke until daisuke goes 'right right'. ken looks down and iori looks at daisuke. daisuke notices something's up with ken. 'what’s wrong ichijouji? what? if you have something to say, say it'. further example of how jogress partners tend to notice when something's bothering them.

ken reflects his thoughts that if the darkness isn’t completely destroyed immediately it will continue to absorb its surroundings and produce more 'sad lives' like bwg; hikari's thoughts are that ken is also referring to himself and how he created Kimeramon. this is something that daisuke and miyako are implied to be aware of as well; the way takeru and iori are looking at ken when he talks also suggests they're aware of it as well.

it's kind of fitting, then, that takeru speaks up. after all, he's the one who kind of inadvertently brought this to ken's mind back in ep 34.

takeru first says ‘i don't think so/I think differently’ in response to ken, directly to him, which has ken react in surprise and turn his head to face takeru.

takeru goes on to say that 'sure, darkness is terrible, and we'd feel peace of mind if we were able to get rid of it completely, but I'm sure that's impossible’. ken repeats "impossible?" takeru then looks slightly away, as though he's deep in thought/thinking of how to say what he’s thinking, and says how where there is light, there is darkness, which has hikari respond with 'the brighter the light, the darker the shadow, right?' which has takeru turn his head back to the group (and ken) as he responds 'yes', adding 'that's why it's important not to lose sight of the light inside you'. focus on ken as he repeats 'not losing sight of the light inside of you'.

now what does this mean? what is its importance? bc it's definitely significant. but how?

I think this is the first time since ep28, where takeru told ken to not act cool, that I think takeru has directly talked specifically to ken post-kaiser stuff.

up until now, Takeru's stance regarding Ken was externally vague at best, as he was the only one who hadn't made his position clear to Ken. Ken generally knows where Daisuke, Miyako, and Hikari side, and where Iori sides -- or at least where Iori sided, and he doesn’t really have any reason to think he’s changed his mind. He doesn’t really have any idea where takeru sides, as takeru hasn't made it clear to him.

Takeru's willing to work with him, sure. he's civil enough. but to be fair iori has also been working with ken and being civil for the most part too, esp post ep28. this doesn't necessarily reflect their personal feelings towards him.

what Ken knows is Takeru told him he was way over his head regarding the power of darkness in ep19 and physically assaulted him with a significant anger present, warned him that playing around with the power of darkness would have grave consequences if he didn't stop (and it did), told him they'd settle their 'match' (which was really just takeru beating up ken) next time, and lectured him on digimon being alive like the rest of them, before wormmon died. (and said ‘he’s dead’ after wormmon died).

what ken knows is, after wormmon died, takeru told him, somewhat upset, not to act cool in response to his offer to kill archnemon so the other kids wouldn't have to, and then suggesting a (temporary) nonlethal alternative. even more, ken knows that takeru has repeated the sentiment that using the power of darkness to create 'unhappy life' and destruction is 'unforgivable' with a similar intensity that was present in the ep19 encounter--which is something ken did. ken also knows that takeru declined to attend the meeting at daisuke's house in a suspicious manner, followed by iori.

it's not a stretch to imagine that ken figures that while takeru is willing to work with him and be civil, takeru finds what ken did to be unforgivable and personally does not like ken.

and I don't think that's Takeru's intention. the fact that takeru seemed to express possible/potential concern over ken's guilt motivating him, I don't think Takeru means for Ken to beat himself up when he says those things. and in this scene we have Ken feeling guilty, which is presumably understood by everyone, and disheartened. and takeru kind of reaching out, in a way.

there are several ways that what takeru said could be taken I feel.

for one, it's a hopeful (heh) thing. when ken expresses his thought that as long as there is darkness, the cycle will continue. takeru expresses that darkness winning is not an inevitability as long as you don't lose the light inside you.

it works on a personal level, too. it's okay if ken continues to struggle with the darkness -- it's unfortunate and not fun, but that doesn't make him a bad person -- as long as he holds onto the light inside of him, and there is light inside of him.

there's also something about the way qinglongmon said some stuff. earlier he claimed that "in order to bring the one swallowed by darkness back, it was necessary to temporarily create the digimental of miracles with the crest of kindness engulfed by darkness." he then later reiterates/rephrases Takeru's feelings when expressing what hope means -- "and hope means not to lose the light even when engulfed by darkness."

ken lost sight of the light inside of his heart for a while (his kindness, you could say), but he found it again after wormmon's sacrifice, as a result of a 'miracle' (tech found it in ep23). and it was a miracle that ken was saved before it was too late! the important thing for ken to do now is not to lose sight of it again.

and aside from the physical destruction the power of darkness can be used to create, takeru also knows about falling victim to the darkness from emotional vulnerability, for lack of better explanation. I can't recall exactly what he knew about Yamato's experience or what he picked up when witnessing Sora's, but Takeru more or less knows how people can fall prey to it. Yamato was engulfed by darkness, falling further and further into it; he was lost and ended up doing some misguided things as a result -- seriously fighting Taichi (in front of his little brother!) and when it really wasn't the time, for one. thanks to Gabumon, though, Yamato was able to find his way back. which is why I don't think Takeru would really hold it against Ken once Takeru had felt Ken had changed from before, and furthermore, Takeru knows that you can come back from it.

whatever Takeru's intent is, his meaning is -- naturally -- one of hope, and it's directed towards Ken.

and Takeru's words, particularly about not losing sight of the light inside you, seem to... impact? reach? ken, for lack of a better word, in some way, to an extent. 

upon further thinking, it actually kind of reminds me of ep23 at the village of beginnings. when the baby digimon tell Ken “What is done cannot be undone. What you did was something unforgivable.” and “You can’t erase the past. Everything is part of you: the good and the bad are both part of you.”

while what ken did was unforgivable [kimeramon], he has to accept the good and the bad are both part of him. and ken tends to focus on accepting the bad as part of him, but he also has to accept the good part of him, too, in the sense that he acknowledges that there is good -- that he’s not solely a bad person. and maybe the good that’s a part of him is sort of analogous to the light inside him -- that despite being engulfed in darkness and all he’s done, there is light inside him, and the important thing is to not lose sight of it (again). 

it also kind of reminds me of a line in ‘beat hit’, the jogress song. ‘There is light and shadow in both the heart and in the world. That’s testing you, the never ending battle.’ [Hikari to kage ga aru kokoro ni mo sekai ni mo / Sore wa kimi wo tameshite iru kesshite owaru koto no nai tatakai]

i don’t have too much to say here at this point about this other than encouraging others to throw their two cents in about what they think, bc this is definitely a significant moment. but in what way? 

not really related to takeru+ken but later, when qinglongmon talks about the crests of hope and light, hikari turns to takeru and smiles saying 'our crests!' and tho Takeru's lookin back at her, I think, he's not smiling. which I find interesting. In ep34 it was shown that takeru can go from serious&intense to ^.^ pretty quickly and smoothly. I don't know what if anything it signifies but I found it interesting. idk

later, at the restaurant.

miyako and daisuke are fighting over the Chinese bun daisuke took; takeru holds out a bun to ken and says 'ichijouji-kun. they're delicious. will you eat with us?' and while ken was initially surprised by Takeru's action, he gives a small (cute!) smile which grows a little more as he says "thanks! :D" and accepts Takeru's offering. takeru is smiling at ken in the background as ken opens/splits the the bun and gives half to leafmon. leafmon says 'ken-chan, eating with friends is great, isn't it?' and ken replies 'it is'! and after this exchange takeru is still seen smiling at ken as he watches on.

so not only has ken accepted being nakama, he's accepted being friends, too! good for him! and takeru seems happy about that, too, which is swell.

also an interesting thing I noticed is that throughout this episode after qinglonmon appears, takeru, iori, and ken are often showed/grouped together in the same frame/shot. 

takeru, iori, and ken are shown in frame when takeru goes 'is this what bwg was waiting for?' when qinglongmon appears. takeru, iori, and ken are once again shown in the same frame when ken goes "then, I..." after daisuke goes 'the dark towers seal his powers?' 

then takeru and ken are in same frame, to the side, when archnemon and mummymon walk back in with the two other digimon subdued, archnemon saying 'oh well you found out' re: her/their goal ('building as many dark towers as possible and destroying this world's balance'). this shot is repeated after archnemon says 'but then you got the wrong idea, joined the chosen children, and started to destroy them'. 

then takeru, iori, and ken are shown in the same frame again when takeru says 'so that's why they can only reach perfect level at certain times'. iori turns to look at takeru when he talks. iori says 'that's what koushirou-san explained to us a while back right?' and takeru and ken turn to look at him. iori turns back to qinglongmon 'he was talking about qinglongmon and the others' ken and then takeru turn back to face qinglongmon.

daisuke, hikari, and miyako are together in the same frame when daisuke and miyako say 'that must be us' & 'yeah. daisuke, me, and...'. the next shot is of iori with parts of ken and takeru shown in frame when iori goes 'myself'. 

after bwg screams and goes off into the sky, there's a shot of daisuke+hikari+miyako, and then a shot of takeru+iori+ken. daisuke+hikari+miyako are again shown when daisuke says that 'now you can recover your lost power, right?', to which qinglongmon replies that not right away but he'll plant seeds of light in the meantime where the holy stones once were, and takeru+iori+ken are shown in the shot when ken echoes ‘seeds of light?'

then, daisuke+hikari+miyako and ken with most of his head cut off are in the same shot after ken talks about how unless all darkness is destroyed, it'll absorb its surroundings etc. then there's the focus on hikari thinking that ken was also referring to himself, and then there's a shot of takeru+iori+ken+daisuke, with the focus zooming on ken until takeru speaks up. even in the group shot when qinglongmon says ‘however, it does not mean that all threats have been eliminated', there’s a bit of a gap between Ken and Daisuke, dividing the kids into three and three (Takeru, Iori, Ken & Daisuke, Hikari, Miyako).

it’s interesting, especially considering the relevance these three have had during Takeru&Iori’s (pre)jogress arc.  

[ep38]

ken is standing apart from the other kids. wormmon basically encourages him to give his invitations to the kids, but ken asks 'but will they accept?' and his hand is shaking. he's so nervous! even though his relationships with the other kids have improved. which is understandable. I suffer from social anxiety I get it.

it's reasonable to expect daisuke, miyako, and hikari to accept it, especially the former two. it's reasonable to expect iori /not/ to accept it (from kens pov). takeru has the most room for doubt, since he did make the offering of friendship more or less the prior episode, but is still a rather mysterious dude.

wormmon tells him it'll be fine. daisuke, in daisuke fashion, noticed something's up with ken and runs up to him. 'what are you doing? what do you have there? c'mon what is it?' ken, super nervous (aah!!), tells them that his mother said he should invite all of his friends to a Christmas party at their place. he lifts the invitations slowly, hand trembling. and the kids (minus iori) are excited and run over.

ken's hand with the invitations is still shaking and starts to retreat/withdraw, as if he's expecting a rejection, when he asks if they'd like to come. it makes me really feel for him honestly he's so nervous :( but when ken, uncertainly, asks if they would like to come, takeru immediately asserts "of course! [Mochiron yo]" and ken goes " :o ". takeru has his hand already out, directly in front of him, smiling, and ken lifts up the invitations and goes ' thanks !”', blushing, to which takeru says 'same to you. i'm happy you invited us.' and goes ^.^

the fact that takeru is the one to first accept ken’s invitation is intentional from the show. they emphasize ken's shaking hand with the invitation retreating. ken has doubts. and takeru clears up those doubts with his confident 'of course!' and 'I'm happy you invited us'.

and this is also takeru clearing up his own position, which has been relatively unclear until the last episode. takeru goes a step further from last episode by making it clear that of course he wants to come and he's happy they invited him.

and taking in Takeru's 'I'm happy you invited us' as well as his smiling at ken at the end of last episode, it seems that Takeru's happy that ken seems to be ... healing? in a way, for lack of a better word, which kind of ties into his apparent concern over kens motivations re: guilt earlier on. this kind of is also related to the end of the episode when sora looks at hikari and takeru and says that kens 'really changed, hasn't he?' bc it's not that he changed from kaiser to ken, it's that he's also changed in that he's happier. and everyone's glad about it too. also shown by the kids’ reaction when ken laughs at the party.

also takeru goes to ken’s party instead of supporting his brother at his concert. not that yamato probably minds or anything but i thought that was neat. i do like that koushirou and jou came to yamato’s concert too though that’s sweet heh

[daesungindistress]

Speaking of tension, remember Seungri surprising Daesung on his bday dome concert? Most VIPs gushed about it, but many Dae stans picked up on how displeased, strained and almost pissed Daesung seemed at points. Looking back, many thought it might have been bc Daesung was possibly worried that Seungri might inadvertently reveal sensitive info about TOP, esp since his incident hadn't yet been revealed. But I was so glad when they starting singing bc the exchange prior to that was so uncomfortable

Oh anon… of course I remember. I wrote about it at length here and here… and here’s another link about the call from TOP. And a short video of the moment Seungri appears onstage and surprises Daesung. There might be more than that, but that’s all I can find at the moment using my tags. I think this incident is on YouTube too. (btw I’m embarrassed to be providing those links because the things I wrote about Seungri… it’s so uncomfortable now.)

I gushed about it, sure, but the tension was painfully obvious. I just… didn’t feel right writing about it too critically, you know? Not back then. I think I tried so hard to see things in a positive light, or put a positive spin on them, even when it was apparent that something troubled lurked beneath the surface. Daesung was clearly… well, if not unhappy, then unsettled by his surprise appearance. I noticed that even though Seungri also attended GDYB’s concerts later that year, taking to the stage in both of them just as he did at Dae’s, he made sure to ask beforehand – he didn’t show up unannounced again.

I think I wrote down some speculation about the content of that phone call that Seungri was hinting at before Daesung stopped him, after the news of TOP’s scandal broke later that summer. But I have no idea how I would find it again on my blog so not even gonna try. I just remember thinking that Daesung’s visible discomfort at Seungri’s impromptu tell-all suddenly made sense. I mean, he stopped him and said, “Speak more carefully.”

It also didn’t help that Seungri had just walked onto his stage, wearing one of his tour jackets and equipped with an earpiece like he belonged there (which Daesung teased him about: “Are you going to sing?”) and promptly took control of his audience. All without permission or any sort of advance notice. His Dome tour, his fans, his birthday celebration. By all appearances it was a kind gesture by Seungri and it earned a lot of smiles from the fans, but deep down I always thought something about it stunk. Some people enjoy these kinds of surprises. I don’t think Daesung is one of them.

The tension’s always been there… and I loved toying with it in fic. In a way I might even miss it. But what’s done is done. I just hope this means that things will be a little easier, a little more relaxed for Daesung going forward.