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sanderssidesfanfiction · 4 years

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Royal Growing Pains - Chapter Twenty Seven

Warnings: Homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, sympathetic Deceit

Royal Growing Pains Tag

Roman reluctantly climbed off the bed with Damien and left the bedroom. To his mild surprise, both his mother and Damien’s parents were waiting right around the corner. His mind froze. He had hoped he would have more time to think this through. But no, he had to answer now, apparently, and he had no words to explain his actions.

He was. So screwed.

Damien intertwined his hand with Roman’s and Roman took a breath. He wasn’t going to speak until spoken to, if only to buy him a few more seconds to think.

His mother barely gave him half of a single second. “Have you nothing to say for yourself, Veronica?” she seethed.

Roman just stared at his mother blankly and shrugged. “Nope,” he said.

“Stop being cute, Veronica, it’s not a good look on you,” his mother hissed. “I demand an explanation!”

“I told you I’m not speaking to you until you apologize to Damien. That is all I will say until you apologize,” Roman insisted.

“I will not apologize for saying the truth!” his mother growled.

“And yet you want Roman to apologize for being himself?” Damien mumbled next to Roman, and Roman snorted.

“Damien, don’t be ridiculous. To say there was never any sort of double-standard in my family would be a blatant lie,” Roman responded, smirking at Damien as his mother grew red.

“Veronica, pack your things,” his mother growled. “We’re leaving.”

“You wait just a minute, Diana,” the Queen said, ice in her voice. “You were so desperate to marry your child off that you threatened war. You’ve been nothing but antagonistic towards both your own child and ours. I will not allow you to simply return to your country to lick your wounds because you don’t like that our son refuses to be pushed around like you’re used to. You put everyone here through hell to accommodate your wishes. If you choose to force your way back home, then my husband and I will go public with what you threatened us with in order to agree to this. You think you have a PR nightmare at home now? That will be nothing compared to what you have on your hands after today. This wedding will occur, whether you like it or not, unless you’d rather your country hold an uprising knowing everything that you and your husband threatened us with?”

Roman’s jaw dropped open as his mother sputtered and tried to come up with an explanation. None came out of her mouth.

The Queen turned to Roman. “My dear, would you rather be known as Roman or Veronica?”

Roman’s heart leapt into his throat. “Sorry?” he asked.

“Your mother has been forcing you to be someone you’re not for too long. If you wish to go by Roman, we will respect that.”

Damien squeezed Roman’s hand next to him and Roman took a shuddery breath, tears coming to his eyes. “I...” he knew what he had to do if he wanted his mother even remotely cooperative. But the King and the Queen were giving him an out, a guaranteed wedding. He never thought he might want that, and yet, here he was. “I...don’t know.”

The Queen tilted her head to the side. “You don’t have to be anyone you’re not, sweetheart, it’s fine.”

“I...I know. I know that.” Roman took a breath. “It’s just...when I wanted to go by Roman. It was an experiment. It was all an experiment, to see how I would feel as the opposite gender. I had felt like a boy for years, true, but...but I still didn’t know if presenting as male would ring more true than presenting as female. I pushed back against my mother, because I wanted the freedom to experiment. But...I still...don’t know.”

The tears slipping down Roman’s cheeks as he spoke those words were real. It broke his heart that he had to play the part of the confused child when his opportunity to be himself was right there. But if he wanted Remus at the wedding, if he wanted continued contact with his friends, if he wanted to see anyone at home again, he had to play into this, just a while longer. “I thought...I thought I knew,” Roman said. “I thought I was sure when I pushed back. I wanted the freedom to experiment, and I wanted that freedom to be myself, whoever that was. But as this week continues...I don’t know. I don’t know who I am.”

The Queen looked him over. Damien was giving him glances. His mother was still red in the face. “Part of me...part of me wants to be Roman,” he said. “But there’s another part of me that I find difficult to explain. And I want to figure out what that part is as well. I want to know all of me, as best I can, before I make this decision.”

“Of course,” the Queen said, relaxing a fraction. “Still, we must call you something.”

Roman nodded. “You can call me Roman,” he said. “I still want to experiment. To see if it sits right. Give me twenty-four hours as Roman, and I’ll have a decision for you tomorrow afternoon. I just...I just need time.”

“We can do that,” the Queen said with a smile. “Now. As for you two running off...”

Roman and Damien got double-teamed by the King and Queen, talking about how they were scared to death and if they needed time alone, all they had to do in the future was to ask for it, but to never run off like that again. Roman nodded to all of it, and Damien just stood there, agreeing softly at the end. Roman’s mother said nothing the entire time, simply glaring at Roman, and Roman pretended that she wasn’t even there.

When they were ordered to go downstairs and grab something to eat before meeting with the dignitaries, Damien sighed once they were out of their parents’ earshot. “You put on a very convincing act, Roman, I’m impressed.”

“Thank you,” Roman said. “Your parents know it’s an act, I assume?”

“My mother caught on, for certain,” Damien said. “And she can clue my father in.”

Roman nodded. “My mother will expect me to go by my deadname around the dignitaries.”

Damien grimaced. “I don’t suppose that simply not correcting them if they call you either name is acceptable?”

“Not to her. But maybe we could play it off for the sake of the ‘experiment,’” Roman mused.

“And I assume at the end of the ‘experiment’ you’ll allow your mother to deadname you?” Damien asked.

“Lull her into a false sense of security, and then when the wedding comes, be my true self. It’ll keep her quiet until the wedding itself, at the very least,” Roman said. “And it will guarantee that Remus is there.”

Damien nodded. “I don’t like it, but I understand,” he sighed.

Roman laughed a little. “You’re so protective,” he said. “I think it’s a little funny, especially when I’ve been able to handle myself this long.”

“My mother just stepped in to save both of our hides,” Damien pointed out.

“Would she have done that if I hadn’t won her over with my charming smile and good looks?” Roman teased.

“Yes,” Damien said.

“Oh.” Roman considered this new information. “Well, whatever. Minimal interference does not refute the fact I can handle myself.”

“You keep telling yourself that, my love,” Damien laughed.

Roman stuck his tongue out at Damien and Damien did it back with a laugh. They walked into the kitchen and Patton just about shrieked in surprise. “Boys! Where have you been?!”

“Roman’s room,” Damien replied. “Their Majesties already tore into us, no need to call them.”

Patton gave Damien a side-eye. “You remember the first time you lied to me Damien?” he asked.

“We were six, and I said I had worn heelies before and so you didn’t have to worry when we raced around the castle,” Damien said.

“You nearly cracked your skull open when you fell down the stairs and I sobbed so hard I nearly puked because I thought you were dead. And since then I’ve never been able to completely trust you about anything except your inability to cook,” Patton said. “Did you two really get chewed out?”

“Yes, we did,” Roman sighed. “And I got permission to go by Roman for twenty-four hours because my mom was being a witch-with-a-b. But heelies? Do tell.”

“Nothing much else to tell about it,” Patton laughed. “My mom was the head cook before me and I had off school. That happened. You get to go by your name for twenty four hours?”

“As part of an experiment,” Roman agreed. “It’s going to be interesting trying to convince everyone that I didn’t like it enough to continue afterwards, but I get gender euphoria for twenty-four hours.”

“Hey, congrats!” Patton exclaimed, grinning. “That has to be a fantastic feeling.”

“It does feel pretty nice,” Roman said with a shy grin.

“So, Roman,” Patton said with a pointed grin, “Anything I can get you and Damien?”

“Anything that’s filling is fine by me,” Roman said with a shrug. “Damien?”

“I’m not picky, I’m just hungry,” Damien said simply.

“Something fast and filling, got it,” Patton laughed.

A dignitary Roman didn’t recognize walked into the room and snorted. “I knew I’d find you here eventually, Damien!” he said. “How are you, dear?”

“I’m fine, Max,” Damien responded. “Have you met my fiancé, Roman?”

“Never had the pleasure,” Max said, walking over and shaking Roman’s hand.

Roman smiled at Max and said, “I assume you have, however, seen my mother?”

“Yes, she was fuming after what she referred to as your ‘little stunt’ and I must say, anyone who can irritate someone that uptight is a friend in my book.”

Roman laughed. “Uptight is certainly a...kind word for her. I prefer ‘control freak,’ among others.”

“Transphobic, cruel, stubborn, and abusive are what I favor for her,” Damien said simply.

“Jesus, don’t do anything by halves, do you?” Roman asked.

“Not when it comes to this particular topic, I’m afraid,” Damien said with a small and pained smile.

Roman scratched the back of his neck. “Just don’t let her hear you say that and you should be fine. She pokes fights with everyone, anyone who knows her won’t be surprised if she snarls at you.”

Damien made a discontented noise. “I now understand why the diplomats from your country are recorded as some of the kindest and most patient in all the world. And I have to say, that if this is what they have to put up with daily, it’s a surprise any of them make it through the training process.”

Roman laughed and Max winced in sympathy. “Yeah, Her Majesty can certainly be a piece of work,” Max mumbled. “Don’t tell her I said that, of course.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Roman assured. “Especially when I know exactly what you have to go through around her when she likes you on a good day.”

Patton came over with food for Roman and Damien and both of them made quick work of it, chatting with Max in between bites. When they had both finished lunch, they shared a look. “I’m not ready to go out to all the other dignitaries,” Roman groaned. “I’m tired, and I want a break from the wedding and the performance around it.”

“I know, my love,” Damien said, kissing Roman’s knuckles. “But I won’t make you go through this alone, if it’s any consolation.”

Roman shrugged. “It’s nice, but the fact remains that this will be a highly draining act, explaining everything that is going on.”

“I can help explain a few things, if you’d like?” Max offered. “Go to the little groups around the room and chat with them before they get to you?”

“You’d do that?” Roman asked, relief evident in his voice.

“Of course,” Max said. “I probably can’t get every group, but I know enough people to know who to talk to about it, and the rest of the room will hear the gossip soon enough.”

“Nice,” Roman said. “I’d appreciate that.”

Max offered Roman a smile. “Shall we get to the ballroom, then? Everyone is waiting for the both of you.”

“Let’s get it over with,” Damien said, linking his hand in Roman’s.

Roman walked side-by-side with Damien as they entered the room, and Roman shuffled a little closer as nearly everyone turned to look at them. “I found Their Highnesses in the kitchen!” Max exclaimed with a little laugh. “Try not to flood them!”

Roman put on his best polite smile and Damien stood next to him, looking relaxed but somewhat resigned. Immediately, the closest group to the door came over and dragged them into a conversation about the wedding. What they planned to wear, and oh, wasn’t it exciting, and what was their first dance going to be? Roman responded with answers that ranged from, “Yes, I suppose it’s rather exciting,” to “I want to leave the details of the wedding to be a surprise.” Damien was similar, trying to deflect any questions specifically about Roman’s dress, and anything that spoke about “the bride.”

Dysphoria stabbed Roman in the chest every time someone said that, but still he smiled and responded politely. They didn’t get a word in edgewise with the first group, and couldn’t explain that Roman was going by Roman for the day. The second group, though, Max had spoken to, and it was a breath of fresh air when someone asked, “So, how are the grooms-to-be faring?”

Roman laughed, beaming and honestly answering, “We’ve been all right,” as Damien smiled at the dignitary who had asked the question.

The conversations were about things that Roman didn’t find important, for the most part, but he was able to answer them honestly and openly, seeing as how his mother currently was not in the room. Damien, again, deflected prying questions about Roman’s gender and anything related to the reveal at the wedding. Roman squeezed Damien’s hand as they were let go to another group. “What was that for?” Damien asked.

“For being willing to help dodge questions about the wedding day,” Roman said with a small smile. “I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, my love, it wouldn’t do for the surprise to be spoiled,” Damien responded.

“A surprise?” a dignitary asked. “What sort of surprise?”

“A secret surprise,” Damien replied simply. “And no, you will not get either of us revealing anything more about it.”

Conversation became a bit more prying after that, but Roman and Damien didn’t give anything up. They talked, they laughed, and never once did they let go of each other’s hands. Their parents walked into the room at some point, which Damien pointed out by mumbling, “The Dragon Witch has entered.”

Roman took an inconspicuous look around the room and spotted her and Damien’s parents talking with a few other people. “Great,” Roman sighed.

“Don’t worry, we can get through this,” Damien said, voice holding a lot more confidence than Roman felt.

The afternoon went on slowly, everyone’s shadows slowly creeping longer and longer, until the sun was definitely setting. Roman and Damien went through the last group of dignitaries and both of them sat down in a corner of the room with a sigh. “This is so hard,” Roman sighed. “I know my mother caught me smiling a couple times when people called me Roman. How do I know if she’s going to buy my story tomorrow, asking to go back to Veronica?”

“She’s desperate enough to not question it too much, I think,” Damien murmured back. “I mean, she shouldn’t be, but she is. I can’t wait for that world to crash around her, and real life to kick her in the face.”

“That would be great,” Roman snorted. “I doubt it would happen, but it’s nice to dream...”

“It will happen, if for no other reason than because I will ensure it happens,” Damien said. “I’ve put up with too much from her to not gloat.”

“Fair enough,” Roman laughed, resting his head on Damien’s shoulder.

Damien kissed Roman’s head and murmured, “Do you think we can be affectionate around your mother while you’re performing this little ‘experiment’?”

“I don’t know,” Roman admitted. “She’s quite obviously homophobic. I think if we’re affectionate she’ll try to brush it off. She’s realizing that scolding me doesn’t have much of an effect on my behavior here, and she can’t take away my phone; I won’t let her do that again. So we can do as we please within reason. Eventually, she’ll find a threshold where being at risk of a PR disaster is worth it if I’m in her grasp again, so we’d have to tread lightly on the bigger stuff, but I think just being close, like this, sitting together, isn’t as big of a deal.”

“So what I’m hearing is that I won’t get to kiss you for the next twenty four hours,” Damien sighed.

“Sadly,” Roman agreed. “If we did that, she would instantly freak out and drag me home by my ear.”

Damien winced. “She’s a horrible woman.”

“She is,” Roman agreed softly. “Don’t tell her that I said that.”

“Of course not,” Damien said. “Everyone knows that men are the only ones who are allowed opinions anyway.”

“Hey!” Roman exclaimed, a fraction of a decibel too loud, as some people looked over at them. “I’ll have you know that I am a man. A manly man. A man who is manly!”

“Of course you are,” Damien said. “I was trying to play off a joke from your mother’s flawed logic. Was it not funny?”

“Strikes a little too close to home,” Roman said, lips pressed into a thin line.

“My apologies, in that case,” Damien said.

They turned to look at the crowd in the ballroom and lapsed into silence. “Dinner is going to be a trial,” Damien sighed. “Not everyone here will be staying for dinner, but enough people will be that we cannot escape the horrors that are small talk and wedding planning.”

Roman laughed. “I’m not looking forward to it either,” he admitted. “At least your descriptions of everything are funny, though.”

“Well, good, I’m glad,” Damien said, puffing out his chest a little and preening under the praise.

“And I think dinner will be at least somewhat bearable,” Roman said.

“Oh? And why would that be?” Damien asked.

Roman squeezed their intertwined hands and smiled. “Because we’ll be going through it together.”

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#roceit #sanders sides fanfiction #roman sanders #deceit sanders #patton sanders #royal growing pains #our creations

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hayden-thefuck-whywouldyoudothis · 3 years

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Hello everyone! This post is a little bit different from my usual posts. If you‘ve seen some of my posts, the majority are Dream SMP related, but today I have a story to share.

This week is my spring break. If you didn‘t know, CPS has one of the latest spring breaks in the country. We are visiting Tennessee for our break, and today we went to DollyWood in Pigeon Forge. If you don’t know what DollyWood is, it is a theme park in the the town where famous country singer Dolly Parton grew up. Before you say that we shouldn’t be visiting a theme park during a pandemic, I completely understand that, and me and my family would never have gone if we weren’t being completely safe. We took all necessary precautions to be able to take this trip and have a break.

So we arrived at DollyWood today, and we decided to fo wait in line for a ride. We ended up not going on the ride at the time when the ride broke down and had to be closed for a quick fix(we ended up going on that ride later)

So instead we went to a different area of the park, where we got in line for a different ride. While we were waiting in line, I was listening to the conversations around me, because I didnt want to talk to my family at that moment. I was listening, and overheard the group in front of us talking. The adult of the group asked all the kids if they were virtual or in person schooling . This conversation then moved to the fact that there was a trans student at their school. The kids in the group said that if they added or changed the bathrooms to accommodate trans students they were staying virtual. The adult said that they trans student in question was making a huge problem out of something that wasn’t important. They were overall very rude about the fact that there was a trans student and made no effort to keep quiet about their conversation. Overhearing this conversation made me so very unhappy, when amusement parks are supposed to be a place of joy and memories. If you don’t know, I use all pronouns and identify as gender non-conforming. I am ace/aro as well. I am part of the LGBTQ+ community. Coming to visit Tennessee, I knew that it was more than likely that I would hear my community slandered for being who we are, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when it happened. A lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community make the joke about being illegal in over 74 countries, and I am one of them. I am very much against going somewhere we’re I will not be respected for who I am. I don’t want to visit Poland, even though it’s where my mom is from. And I know a lot of people feel the same. I won’t want to visit somewhere I know I won’t feel safe for being who I am, even though no one knows.

There is a bright side to this story, I promise. A little after we had lunch, we were walking through a different area of the park. We decided to stop and get some ice cream as a little bit of a dessert. We sat down in a dining pavilion right near a food stand. While I was sitting and eating my ice cream two people walked past wearing rainbow masks. I watched them a little bit, and I saw them start to hold hands. I in no way mean to assume gender identity when I say that this was two men. And it just made me so happy to see a (presumably) gay couple in a place where I could /see/ religion and homophobia rolling off of people in waves. And they were proud of it too. No shame in being who they were. The point of me telling this story was to share something that made me incredibly happy after overhearing something that made me feel bad for the person they were talking about, for having to go through the blatant transphobia that was evident in these people who had no problem with down talking someone who had to go through the trouble of fighting for a basic human right because of who they are.

The other point of sharing this was to show someone who needs to hear it that things can get better. Not everything will. But a lot of things do. You will become who you want to be in the future, and you will show everyone just how strong you are to have gone through what you have gone through to get to the point you are at. Because everybody’s story is different. Let’s hear them all.

Before I’m done, I want to remind everyone that reads this to have something to eat, drink some water, take your meds, have a shower, and have a nap or go to sleep, wake up and do something that will make you happy. I want you to take care of yourself. Put on some music and just take a break from reality.

Do it for me, for your family and friends who want to see you thrive, and do it for yourself.

Today is a feel-good day.

I love you all so much.

You are valid, please remember that.

Love you, Hayden :)

#lgbtq #lgbtq story #homphobia #blatant transphobia #positive message #tw!transphobia #I think I should put that tag #I’m not 100% sure #Give someone a n affirmation today #make someone smile #Give someone a compliment #Give your pet a scratch behind the ears #Have something to eat #Take your meds #have a shower #drink some water #and get enough sleep #for me please?#have a good day

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livable4all · 5 years

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What is rich-washing?

INTRODUCTION

What is rich-washing? It is when cultural products and advertising make it seem like everyone is rich.

It's similar to whitewashing, where a problem is covered up and made to seem fine, when it is not; or Hollywood whitewashing, where white actors take roles over people of colour; or activist whitewashing, where white activists are spotlighted over people of colour; or greenwashing, where things are made to seem environmentally good, when they are not.

Much has been written about the media biases regarding sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, harmful depictions of mental illness, and other biases that stereotype or denigrate specific groups of people. However, not as much has been written about classism in North American media and entertainment.

Rich-washing is a type of classism, but it is much more than that.

Rich-washing completely flips the facts: in the real world, there’s a huge majority of financially precarious people at the bottom and a tiny minority at the top.

And for those at the very top in the U.S., their wealth is growing.

Rich-washing takes the bulk of people on the planet and makes them disappear –– they are over-looked, glossed over, cropped out of the picture, written out of the story.

Rich-washing is gas-lighting on a grand scale. It is so wide-spread that it is almost invisible. Like the dish soap ad used to say, we’re soaking in it.

Because it is such a blatant misrepresentation of the world, rich-washing has many harmful effects on people and the planet. It is important to expose this type of propaganda to reduce its harm.

However, the answer is not to change entertainment to only reflect social reality. No, this is not a call for censorship, but to point out how pop-culture is currently censored by those who hold the purse strings. Ultimately, the answer is to change our social reality to make it less harsh and more livable for everyone. More on this at the end.

Pop-culture is being censored by those who hold the purse strings

Most people are not rich but you’d never know that in today’s 21st century North American TV shows, movies, print media, social media and especially advertisements. (For whatever reason, entertainment in the UK has more social realism and much less rich-washing.)

Images of the rich and super-rich have come to dominate everything in a massive cultural mono-crop of shining hair shining teeth shining cars and shining homes filled with shining gadgets.

Yes, there are exceptions (see end). However, these exceptions are mostly “drowned in a sea of irrelevance” (as Aldous Huxley said).

Ursula Franklin called this general effect “censorship by stuffing”. Specifically with rich-washing, the ‘rich’ images are so numerous that they obliterate every other view of society.

“It is all too easy to confuse the sheer quantity of media with diversity of viewpoint. We do not notice that essentially the same messages are being repeated.” –– Mediaspeak, 1983

Get out the corporate pressure-washer, aim it at the public, turn it on max.

Or as Bertolt Brecht said: “The powerful of the earth create the poor but they cannot bear to look at them.”

Advertisers also don’t like it when the poor look at each other.

“In the 1960s... CBS dropped a number of popular prime-time shows such as ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’ and ‘Andy Griffith’ because they attracted the wrong audience –– elderly, low income, and rural viewers. Advertisers had become keen on young, affluent urbanites…” ––Social Communication in Advertising, 1986

One of the worst things rich-washing does is make people think they are in a minority when in fact they are a huge majority.

Most Americans, for example, live paycheck-to-paycheck according to Forbes.

Rich-washing takes an enormous psychological toll because it creates the idea that lack of income is some kind of personal failing, rather than a systemic economic failing that affects many, many people. That’s one reason why unemployment is a huge factor in suicides.

“When the money isn’t there... feelings of deprivation, personal failure, and deep psychic pain result. In a culture where consuming means so much, not having money is a profound social disability.” ––Juliet Schor, The Overspent American,1999

Rich-washing also creates social solidarity and affinity with the rich, since proximity creates affinity.

People get used to seeing things from the point of view of the rich and may also take on the idea that their own riches are just around the corner. This has political implications (more on that below).

In addition, it’s common for negative characteristics to be attached to people who are poor.

Laziness, criminality, stupidity, and lack of morals, are often characteristics attributed to fictional poor people. This has real world consequences.

Film critic Roger Ebert famously said that movies create empathy.

“...the movies are like a machine that generates empathy. It lets you understand a little bit more about different hopes, aspirations, dreams and fears. It helps us to identify with the people who are sharing this journey with us."

While many movies have indeed had a positive effect on society because of this empathy effect, entertainment products can also empower negative stereotypes. And when it comes to the war on the poor, Hollywood most definitely is not on the side of the poor.

“In a lot of films, especially coming out of Hollywood, less fortunate families are portrayed as imbeciles.” ––Chris Stuckmann, movie review of Parasite, Nov. 6, 2019

“It’s a central assumption of our pop-culture that people who have nice shit are good, and people in poverty are bad.” ––Cracked Podcast, “Why pop-culture hates poor people” 2015-03-02

“There’s class warfare, all right, but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning.” ––Warren Buffet, quoted in Plutocrats by Chrystia Freeland, 2012

With all the vilification and humiliation of poor people in pop-culture, who would want to identify with the poor and not the rich? Who would want to identify with the economic losers and not the economic winners?

“…it is the general policy of advertisers to glamorize their products, the people who buy them, and the whole American and economic scene.” ––Elmer Rice, quoted in Mediaspeak, 1983

Advertisements are highly polished rich-washing because companies need their products associated with winners not losers.

But rich-washing sells more than just consumer products.

Rich-washing sells political ideas.

Rich-washing reinforces policies and laws that benefit those at the top of the income pyramid. So it is not surprising when we learn that income inequality and wealth concentration have been getting worse.

Income inequality and wealth concentration in the U.S. increasing since 1980s.

“Ray Dalio, the billionaire founder of the world’s biggest hedge fund, says income inequality in the U.S. has become so dire that if he were in the White House, he would declare it a national emergency.” Barron’s, 2019

Instead of looking at the big picture and wondering why is it that so many people are poor, people assume or are told that it is their own fault if they are poor. People point fingers at themselves, at other poor people (lateral violence), but almost never up at the top.

“If there was ever a system which enchanted its subjects with dreams (of freedom, of how your success depends on yourself, of the run of luck which is just around the corner, of unconstrained pleasures…), then it is capitalism.” ––Slavoj Zizek, First as Tragedy, Then as Farce, 2009

This type of deflection ––away from the rich and scapegoating the poor–– was also behind the witch-burning craze of centuries ago.

Anthropologist Marvin Harris in his book on “the Riddles of Culture” noted:

“the principal result of the witch-hunt system (aside from charred bodies) was that the poor came to believe that they were being victimized by witches and devils instead of princes and popes.” ––Mavin Harris, Cows, Pigs, Wars and Witches, 1975

It turns out that if you get people fearful of imaginary things and suspicious of their neighbours, they are less likely to join together in a peasant revolt and storm the castle, pitchforks in hand.

“It is from us and our labour that everything comes, with which They maintain Their pomp [!]” John Ball of the violent Peasant Revolt of 1381

When it comes to numbers, it should be obvious that the one percenters at the top have a precarious hold on power.

“Why has the response to rising inequality been a drive to reduce taxes on the rich? ... It’s not a simple matter of rich people voting themselves a better deal: there just aren’t enough of them.” ––Paul Krugman, The Great Unraveling, 2003

Rich-washing protects the status-quo by reinforcing the idea that most people are rich, and if you are not, it is your own fault. Rich-washing thus deepens poverty and enlarges the holdings of the super-wealthy.

Rich-washing can also push people into unhealthy behaviours –– everything from compulsive shopping and debt, to self-medicating, and even crime.

As it turns out, when people started watching TV in America in the 1950s, a particular type of crime suddenly rose: larceny (theft of private property). Researchers attributed the increase in larceny to feelings of “relative deprivation and frustration” and that upper- and middle class lifestyles were “overwhelmingly portrayed” on TV. (Impact of the introduction of television on crime in the United States, 1982, noted in Mediaspeak, 1983)

Another troubling by-product of rich-washing is how people become very vulnerable to scams and schemes.

“We are no longer ‘family’ we are ‘warm prospects.’ ––anonymous reviewer of False Profits, 2015

People want to believe the promises of all kinds of scammers offering them the American Dream. (Check out Season 1 of The Dream podcast). Because of the shame and pain of being poor, because of being an outcast from the perceived norm of upper-middle class consumption, people are desperate to get some dignity and hope back. Many women get into recruitment marketing for “the sense of community, friendship, and purpose that comes with being a vendor.”

However, less than one percent of Multi-Level Marketing participants make a profit.

“Failure and loss rates for MLMs are not comparable with legitimate small businesses, which have been found to be profitable for 39% over the lifetime of the business; whereas less than 1% of MLM participants profit. MLM makes even gambling look like a safe bet in comparison.” (PDF) John M. Taylor, 2011 Consumer Awareness Institute paper at FTC.gov.

Ironically, the stories of big-time con artists and scammers have become popular entertainment themselves and are the subject of many documentaries, movies and podcasts.

Finally, the biggest harm from rich-washing is to the environment ––our biosphere upon which all life depends.

“Modern economies expand, but the ecosystems that provide for them do not.” ––Steven Stoll, The Great Delusion, 2008

Mass consumption is a requirement of the current economic growth model and rich-washing helps keep it all going. So we end up with things like ‘fast fashion’, disposable everything, and planned obsolescence.

“Left unconstrained by other forces, the free-market system is one of the most restless, destructive arrangements ever contrived ––tearing down and building up, obsoleting last year’s fashions and praising this year’s, ... and scheming always to reduce the arts and sciences to sycophancy. None of which is a secret...” ––Thomas Frank, The Wrecking Crew, 2008

Rich-washing irony ––who is ruining the environment: rich or poor?

“World's richest 10% produce half of global carbon emissions, says Oxfam” ––Guardian, 2015

Rich-washing has another sadistic effect on low income people’s mental health. The world, it seems, is waking up to the potentially catastrophic harm being inflicted on the environment. And yet poor people are still made to feel like pieces of shit, even though they consume the least and do the least harm to the planet. So really... f*ck off with your spectacle of sparkling gold-plated glorification of the wealthy, please.

Three reasons for rich-washing

As previously mentioned, one reason for rich-washing is that corporations want their advertisements to reach higher income viewers. Another reason for rich-washing is for political propaganda: it protects the status quo by pushing the idea that everyone is mostly rich, and if you are poor, it is your own fault.

A third reason for rich-washing is that media creators, like everyone else, need to survive financially. Creators need to attract viewers. In most cases, this has led to an overwhelming focus on the rich and famous.

“Sponsors prefer beautiful people in mouth-watering decor, to convey what it means to climb the socio-economic ladder...” ––Mediaspeak, 1983

Today, due to an increasingly crowded arena and variety of cultural products, this is a bigger challenge than ever before. What’s going to get people’s attention? What’s going to be popular escapism? Very often this will be flashy settings, fancy costumes, a focus on the wealthy or the royal. Just how many shows about royalty do we need? Never too many apparently.

And when a story goes for gritty settings and characters, this usually means crime, jolting action and high conflict.

As Jerry Mander wrote in his now ancient 1977 book about television, things like violence, death, jealously, lust, materialism, conflict, the loud, the bizarre, the shocking and the superficial are easier to depict on television than their quiet, cooperative, and nuanced opposites. He laments that this is the type of world that TV “inevitably transmits”. No wonder he argued for the elimination of television.

(However, it should be noted that people used to worry about bad effects from “penny dreadfuls” and pocket-books, although Mander points out that watching TV puts people in a passive state, but reading does not.)

David Simon, creator of The Wire, one of the most critically acclaimed TV series ever made, had this to say about the impact of advertising on media:

“And how exactly do we put Visa-wielding consumers in a buying mood when they are being reminded of how many of their countrymen - black, white and brown - have been shrugged aside by the march of unrestrained bottom-line capitalism?” ––David Simon, The Wire, Truth Be Told (book), 2009, HBO

(Read more about The Wire below, under “Exceptions”)

Another irony about media rich-washing…

Low income people often consume a lot of escapist media because it is a cheap and easy way to get a break from the health-ruining, cortisol-producing daily grind of life on poverty incomes. Fictional and fantastical worlds are often the only affordable escape for those of meagre means. Thus, it is not surprising when people get an intense attachment to their favourite entertainment if it provides them with stress release, comfort and meaning.

“… a 21-year-old in Michigan, finds it easier to get excited about playing games than his part-time job making sandwiches…” ––Andrew Yang, The War on Normal People, 2018

The opening scene of the movie Ready Player One envisions an extreme dystopian version of this. Rickety trailers in squalid surroundings are stacked sky high. Those living inside wear virtual reality goggles to escape from their over-crowded lives into limitless virtual worlds.

It’s important to note that escapism as a form of coping with stress and trauma has its place. The answer is not to take away people’s beloved forms of escapism. (E.g. the excellent book by Raziel Reid “When Everything Feels Like the Movies”.) The answer is for humanity to strive to create a healthier and less stressful world where people don’t feel such a tremendous need to escape from reality.

But you don’t need to watch dystopian movies to see that public spaces are shrinking and becoming more unlivable. Even city benches are designed to be a miserable experience. (You know. To solve homelessness of course.) It is no wonder people stare into their screens like never before. We are ruining the public sphere and forcing people into private spaces where the goodness or badness of those places is determined by how much money you have.

The bright glare of rich-washing might be dimming

“Am I alone in being disgusted by excessive wealth? It seems like a moral failing rather than something to celebrate or aspire to.” ––Nigel Warburton Philosophybites (twitter), January 19, 2020

In 2019 there were three movies that ripped the shiny bandaid of rich-washing propaganda off the reality of mass income inequality: Jordan Peele’s US, Bong Joon-Ho’s Parasite, and the controversial Joker... a character study only remotely related to the comic book story.

There’s been much written and spoken about these movies already. Suffice to say that poverty and the underclasses jump out of the screen in unexpected ways and the wealthy are not shown with shining virtuous haloes.

Even the super-rich (in real life) are starting to notice the current economic system is a disaster:

“At least a dozen billionaires have made public statements that call for the super-rich to pay more in taxes.” Forbes, Oct. 15, 2019

Meanwhile, support for a universal income benefit is spreading rapidly. (Thanks in no small part to Andrew Yang.) People are calling bullshit on the idea that there can ever be a living wage job for everyone who needs one. People are also calling bullshit on the idea that only paid work is real work. There’s a huge constituency of people who provide unpaid care for their loved ones. These unpaid carers have been diminished and ignored for far too long by both the political right (who are full of cheap platitudes about ‘the family’) and the political left (who are full of out-dated platitudes about ‘the workers’).

People are also calling bullshit on poverty itself since it’s obvious that there is more than enough for everyone on the planet to live with dignity and health. There is no reason for poverty to exist at all ––other than out-of-control greed and massive economic lies. Both of which are propped up by rich-washing.

Because of the increasingly obvious and growing gap between the haves and have-nots, cultural products might finally be moving away from rich-washing to something similar to what Brecht brought to the theatre 100 years ago:

“...the higher world of upper class sentiments is presented from the ruthless viewpoint of the common people.” ––Martin Esslin on Brecht, 1959

Rich-washing erases the vast swath of humanity from seeing any dignified reflection of themselves. It’s time to identify this assault on regular people.

To quote the Vancouver poet Bud Osborn*:

“north america tellin lies in our head make you feel like shit better off dead so most days now I say shout shout for joy shout for love shout for you shout for us shout down this system puts our souls in prison say shout for life shout with our last breath shout fuck this north american culture of death shout here we are amazingly alive against long odds left for dead shoutin this death culture dancin this death culture out of our heads”

*Bud Osborne 1947-2014, from Amazingly Alive and Other Poems, Vancouver, BC, 1997, Independent release, Lonesome Monsters

TO SUMMARIZE...

Here’s the thing. Public spaces are becoming increasingly harsh. Jobs and incomes are ever more unsteady, unpredictable and unlivable. People’s anxiety is on the rise. Healthy ways to relieve stress are few if you are broke. So people turn to entertainment as a form of escape. But this subjects them to rich-washing which is harmful to individuals, to society, and the environment.

Entertainment and advertising media have been teaching people that it is ok to hate, denigrate, or laugh at people in poverty. In addition, it has been teaching people who experience poverty to blame themselves, or even hate themselves.

“Propaganda offers him an object of hatred, for all propaganda is aimed at an enemy. And the hatred it offers him is not shameful, even hatred that he must hide, but a legitimate hatred, which he can justly feel.” ––Jacques Ellul, Propaganda, 1962

It is important to expose this type of propaganda to reduce its harm.

However, the answer is not to change entertainment to only reflect social reality. The answer is to change our reality so it is not so harsh for so many people.

Art can’t be censored. But it can be bent by those who hold the purse strings for their own purposes.

There is no reason for poverty to exist. Letting poverty exist is the costliest, stupidest and most tragic thing society can do. As described in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, people first need to eat, we need shelter, we need health care, we need a material foundation before we can hope to have healthy, happy life. When people struggle to meet physical needs, they can’t pursue happiness needs. Or to put it another way:

“Even honest folk may act like sinners, unless they've had their customary dinners” (“How to Survive” from Threepenny Opera)

Ending poverty with a universal income benefit (aka Freedom Dividend, Guaranteed Livable income, Universal Basic Income ) is the most affordable and doable solution for people and the planet. It is our best bet to create a livable economy, a livable natural environment, and a livable social and cultural environment for humans.

In a world with income security for all, we might find our entertainment would drastically change for the better. Advertisers would no longer dominate entertainment. Creators would have more freedom to create. People would no longer seek so much escapism.

Of course, we will not have utopia ––nor should we try to create a utopia. But at least we would not be flinging ourselves into a certain dystopian future because we think there’s no other choice.

A livable income for everyone gives us a choice. #Livable4all - now- for people and the planet.

***

But wait! There’s more....

***

EXTRA SECTION 1: FAKE POVERTY TROPES

Fake poverty tropes in popular culture are different than exceptions to rich-washing (see examples next section). They are not. They are just story-telling short-cuts. They can be fun escapist entertainment, but they are ultimately rich-washing wolves in sheep’s (cheap) clothing.

i) Rags-to-riches: When someone starts poor and ends up rich. In the past, these tales were called Horatio Alger stories, where hard work and honesty bring success to the hero. A sub-genre of this trope is the criminal rags-to-riches story. Riches are won through criminality, violence, hustles, or scams. This usually ends badly for the anti-heroe(s). However, usually not before a display of luxurious settings and wardrobes. Or in some shows, just piles and piles of cash, gold, jewels, etc.

ii) How can they afford that?: This is when people with very marginal jobs and incomes somehow have homes and/or lifestyles that would be impossible with a similar income in real life. These are the kind of TV shows that leaves the audience wondering: “What? how can they afford that?”

iii) Rich Relations: This is when financially poor characters live on the periphery of rich people. These characters might be broke and in debt, but they have close family or friends who are very well-off. Again, even though the main character might be ‘skins’, the audience is shown some fancy settings and aspirational fashion.

iv) Magic Money Wand: This is when the poverty problems of the hero are magically solved when the hero gets a sudden windfall of money from a wealthy family member, friend, mysterious benefactor, or by winning something.

EXTRA SECTON 2: RECENT EXCEPTIONS TO RICH-WASHING

There are a few notable exceptions to rich-washing described here. Note: UK productions (except for one) are not included because, for whatever reason, the UK has an abundance of TV shows and films from a working class perspective. (See also the films of Ken Loach and Tony Garnett.)

The Wire began in 2002, was only 5 seasons, and is now considered a masterpiece of television. One reviewer describes it as being about “post-industrial collapse” and “institutional dysfunction” in an American city (Baltimore). Sounds bleak, but it was rare social realism with unconventional heroes and story-telling. It had low ratings at first. Apparently, showing that the “American Dream was dead” did not catch on right away. However, HBO, which relies on subscriptions, not advertising, was willing to “simply let it be” said creator, David Simon. He also describes just how much the mass media has failed America’s disenfranchised

The Wire (TV series)

“The Wire avoided victories, preferring to show corruption, failure and decay. ... The Wire was as much journalism as entertainment – a form of protest television.” ––Dorian Lynskey, The Guardian, 2018

The Wire began in 2002, was only 5 seasons, and is now considered a masterpiece of television. One reviewer describes it as being about “post-industrial collapse” and “institutional dysfunction” in an American city (Baltimore). Sounds bleak, but it was rare social realism with unconventional heroes and story-telling. It had low ratings at first. Apparently, revealing the “American Dream was dead” did not catch on right away. However, HBO, funded by subscriptions, not advertising, was willing to “simply let it be”. according to its creator, David Simon.

“…how can a television network serve the needs of advertisers while ruminating on the empty spaces in American society and informing viewers that they are a disenfranchised people, that the processes of redress have been rusted shut, and that no one - certainly not our mass media - is going to sound any alarm?” ––David Simon, The Wire, Truth Be Told (book) 2005

Atlanta (TV series)

“...the show’s brilliance [is] at combining absurdist comedy with heartbreaking reality to create something entirely unique.” ––Yohana Desta, Vanity Fair, 2017

Atlanta is a mix of sharp social realism, sudden comic moments, gut-wrenching scenes and hard-hitting parody that includes a searing fake commercial for children’s cereal. It is like the Eduardo Galeano of TV, but with some Salvador Dali, Brecht, and comedy thrown in. Series creator Donald Glover needed to disguise his vision in order to get it made.

“I was Trojan-horsing FX. If I told them what I really wanted to do, it wouldn't have gotten made." ... My struggle is to use my humanity to create a classic work—but I don’t know if humanity is worth it, or if we’re going to make it. I don’t know if there’s much time left.”––Donald Glover interview, New Yorker, 2018

Black Mirror - Fifteen Million Merits (series)

“What archetype dystopian future does Black Mirror’s “Fifteen Million Merits” choose to model itself after? Orwell’s or Huxley’s? The answer ends up being: a little bit of both.” ––Den of Geek, 2018

Fifteen Million Merits stars Daniel Kaluuya (also the star of Get Out). The episode begins with a dystopian-lite near-future story. However, it quickly compresses the characters ––and viewers–– into a painful claustrophobic nightmare vision of a capitalist hostage-taking entertainment monopoly.

Breaking Bad (TV series)

This was massively popular show that ran from 2008 to 2013. The main character is a chemistry teacher named Walt who was first motivated to be Bad due to a cancer diagnosis and fear for the financial future of his family. However, once he started down the bad path, he quickly accelerated to the far reaches of very bad badness. Partly this was because of his ‘almost-got-rich’ backstory. In one episode he goes to the house party of his former business partner who is now very wealthy. Walt’s feelings of poverty, failure, and humiliation are stark. In real life this pain is usually turned inward, but in the show it becomes grist for the monster that the character becomes. Millions of people related to this character who lived under the fear of poverty in the land of plenty.

However, Breaking Bad is mostly a rags-to-riches fake poverty trope even though it was a lower-middle class character’s fear of rags that sparked his need and greed for riches. With its very individualistic focus, the story continues the myth of independence carried over from the fictional old wild west of heroes and outlaws. But in this case the outlaw is the hero.

But perhaps its lasting legacy will be an oft seen meme showing how Breaking Bad would have had no story at all had it been set in a country with universal healthcare. It’s accurate to say the real monster in Breaking Bad is a modern wealthy country without healthcare.

Shameless (TV series)

“Few shows have attempted to situate themselves in the living nightmare of poverty—the country’s quiet shame, the marginalized that the middle and upper classes don’t want to see next to the numbing comfort of Modern Family. Television ignores the poor just as Americans do.” ––Flood Magazine, 2016

In a lot of ways Shameless is a big brash bold exception to rich-washing. The creator of the semi-autobiographical British version said “It’s not blue collar; it’s no collar.” However, after 9 seasons, the US version succumbs to several fake poverty tropes. Nonetheless, it is unique, and its many fans find the characters in the chaotic, desperate, scrounging, scamming, and poverty-stricken Gallager family relatable.

“I love how it addresses sex, drugs, poverty, absent parents, and other topics like those.” ––commenter, TV Criticism blog, 2014

Critics have questioned the series for its condescending stereotypes, for turning poverty into entertainment, for relying on too many nude scenes, and for their treatment of black characters.

But the overarching message and source of comedy for this show is in the title, which tells us that if you are poor, you should feel shame. This family doesn’t feel shame about their poverty. They are ‘shameless’, some more than others, and comedy ensues from their rude, crude, shocking behaviour and occasional truth-telling observations about society.

EXTRA SECTION 3: WAY BACK EXCEPTIONS

In the 1970s there were many more TV shows featuring regular people: Sanford & Sons (set in a salvage yard); Laverne & Shirley (factory workers); and, in Canada, The Beachcombers (salvage).

There were even some down-market detectives including the very popular Columbo who wore rumpled clothes and drove an old jalopy. Fans loved how rich villains would be caught because of their arrogance and snobbery: they assumed Columbo was a bumbling idiot because of his humble presentation.

The Rockford Files detective (1974-1980) also had a shabby vibe. The main character (Rockford) had done time, lived with his father in an old trailer, and had no office or secretary ––just an answering machine on his cluttered desk. He did, however, have a fast car and was played by James Garner, former star of the popular TV western Maverick.

Rural set TV series were also fairly common.

“Over one-third of shows in 1950 were set in small towns or rural areas, mostly Westerns and comedies.” ––Brookings Institute

The Beverly Hillbillies was popular comedy in the 1960s. It was a rags-to-riches and fish-out-of-water story. However, the show regularly made rich people look ridiculous even though the suddenly oil-rich hillbillies were also comic characters. But they were the heroes of their story. This show got cancelled despite its popularity as advertisers wanted younger urban viewers and not the rural and older viewers that show attracted. (Social Communication in Advertising, 1986)

Other rural set shows were Green Acres (inept rich people try to homestead with comic results), Petticoat Junction (another comedy), The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie (dramas). There was also 17 seasons (1954-1973) of Lassie (a dog) with farming and wilderness settings.Going waaay back... growing up Canadian in the 1960s and 70s meant watching The Forest Rangers and Adventures in Rainbow Country, both shows featuring child characters who showed off skills such as fishing, wood craft, horseback riding, and wilderness survival.

EXTRA SECTION 4: THE WORLD’S LONGEST RUNNING SOAP

“So I'm a British guy who had an overnight stay in Toronto to connect a flight, and I noticed Corrie is shown in primetime on CBC... I’m just astonished anyone outside of Northern England would give a toss about it.” Reddit comment, 2018

You can’t talk about exceptions to rich-washing without talking about Coronation Street, the world’s longest running soap. Set ‘on the cobbles’ of a small fictional corner of working class Greater Manchester in Northwest England, it began in the 1960s and is still going strong. (Update May 2020- the pandemic has in fact interrupted Corrie.)

Coronation Street has grit, unlike US soaps, which would never have characters working in an underwear factory and organizing actions against management, or working in a fast food shops, barber shops, driving taxi, or grease pits fixing cars. With a few exceptions, most homes on the street look over-stuffed and very lived-in. The real living room of the street is the local pub, a cosy nostalgic setting, and nostalgia is a big part of the show’s popularity.

The street has changed and expanded over the years, but it has changed slowly. Characters who come and go with frequency except for the core characters. This includes several very popular and very elder actors who get substantial storylines. In addition, “Corrie”, as the fans refer to it, is also known for having snarky battle-axe women characters. One of the oldest was Ena Sharples, and one of the newest, Evelyn Plummer. And unlike U.S. entertainment, younger characters don’t all look and sound like glossy over-polished models-slash-actors.

In recent years Corrie has tackled numerous serious social issues such as suicide, homelessness, mental health, addiction, male rape, human trafficking, teen pregnancy, life after jail, and spousal abuse (to name just a few). These storylines are done carefully with advice from experts and advocate groups. They also frequently address classism. However, the show is not all doom and gloom. Coronation Street blends silly comedy, murderous villains, crimes big and small, and many ridiculous eye-rolling storylines. Fans heap an equal amount of complaints as praise. But big picture, Corrie is notable for the fact that it almost never got onto the airwaves at all.

Contrast between a working class UK soap and a US soap

Other Resources:

Books:

Deer-hunting with Jesus by Joe Bageant, who writes about populism in southern rural poor communities in the U.S. (and his hometown) and why they might vote against their own self-interest.

Somebodies and Nobodies by Robert W. Fuller who writes about abuse of power by those who have higher status or rank against those of lower status.

From Movie Lot to Beachhead by Look Magazine (1945) Written at the end of WWII, the publishers wanted to show how Hollywood was not shallow but could rally for a cause and be on the right side of history. A big contrast to today, when it comes to the war on the poor, entertainment is very much on the wrong side of history.

Upside Down by Eduardo Galeano “a crushing satirical expose of the glaring inequalities and injustices of a world turned upside down that many has come to be desensitized as ‘normal.’” (Goodreads review)

The War on Normal People by Andrew Yang (free audiobook on youtube).

The Rebel Sell - Why the culture can’t be jammed by Joseph Heath and Andrew Potter. “But these gains [civil rights, social safety net] have not been achieved by ‘unplugging’ people from the web of illusions that governs their lives. They have been achieved through the laborious process of democratic political action.” (All forms of counterculture end up being just another marketing opportunity).

Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman “As Huxley marked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny ‘failed to take into account man's almost infinite appetite for distractions.’ Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance.”

Websites Classism in Children’s Movies (a study) - Classism.org A Guide to Basic Income FAQs - scottsantens.com/basic-income-faq

Podcasts

Why Pop-Culture Hates Poor People - Cracked.com 2015-03-02 “Movies don’t seem to understand what it’s like to make less than 200K a year…. If you look and live like a poor person, you might be a serial killer.”

5 ways Hollywood tricked you into hating poor people - Cracked.com 2015-02-23

***

The author was raised on books & nature and almost no TV and movies but became a telly addict & movie fan late in life.

#popculture classism TVshows shameless atlantaTV thewire

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ohpapiseo · 6 years

Text

i wanted to tell you, but... [jinyoung x reader]

As promised to @brittbrat2017, this is something she requested in private and so I have delivered... I haven’t really proof-read this, nor have I written in ages so here we go...

pairing: Jinyoung (GOT7) x reader genre: transgender, coming out, intersex, LGBT+, romance and angst with happy endings I guess?

Unbeknownst to you, Jinyoung was looking at you as you got dressed. Never did you fail to surprise him on special occasions, and today was no different. He knew that you preferred comfort over style any time of the day, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t dress up every now and then. He looked at you as you picked out a nice chain to go with your well-tailored blouse and black trousers (later, Jinyoung would realise that they were actually jeans).

You were putting on your eyeliner, when Jinyoung walked over and looked at you in the mirror. You hadn’t paid him any mind for a minute while you were finishing your eye makeup, only turning to look at him once you were done.

Jinyoung knelt down in front of you, giving you a small smile. “How do you feel about meeting the rest of the family?” “Ugh. Obviously nervous, but if they’re all as nice as you then I don’t think I have to worry.” You let out a chuckle. Jinyoung’s eyes lit up at the sight of you laughing, and he too smiled.

“They’re lovely. You’ve already met my mother. And then you’ll be meeting my older sisters for the first time. Fair warning, babe, but Boyoung noona is a little… well, let’s just say she doesn’t really think before she speaks.” “Oh, a woman of my own heart.” You grinned, turning open your little bottle of lip gloss. “Sounds like we’ll get along just fine.”

Before you could get the lip gloss on, Jinyoung pulled you closer to him, his lips brushing against yours and then he kissed you, pulling back after a few seconds to see your eyes closed. You opened them to an expression of adoration, amazement, awe. He loved you so much he couldn’t explain it with words, he hoped you could hear his heart speak. And you couldn’t help but return the feeling with a smile of your own.

It turned out that you had nothing to worry about after all. With a bright smile, Jinyoung’s mother made you feel welcomed into their home as if it were your own. She treated you like you were her own daughter, and you enjoyed being fussed over and adored by a motherly figure. It had been long since you had seen your parents, so you enjoyed the attention.

Jinyoung’s sisters were quick to warm up to you as well, immediately taking your contact details and promising to take you out on dates when Jinyoung was busy with his vocal teaching.

“And we’ll go shopping as well. Get you some cute dresses! I bet you’ll get Jinyoung whipped with these, for sure.” Boyoung whispered, giving you a wink. You turned pink at the comment, and Sooyoung sighed, smacking the younger sister behind the head.

“Give it a rest, you’ll make her hate us!” “No she won’t! You won’t right?” Boyoung looked at you eagerly, and you shook your head quickly, giving her a nervous smile. “Oh no, not at all…”

And Mr. Park (because you were too intimidated to call him by his first name), although he looked stern, he was very kind to you as well, asking you questions about what you studied and what your plans were for the future.

“Dad…” Jinyoung sighed into his hands. “Come on, whatever she does she’ll figure it out! This is why Yugyeom stopped coming to visit, Dad’s always asking whether he’s got his university stuff sorted out.” “What? No harm in being curious.” Jinyoung’s father shrugged, returning to his meal.

“Don’t worry, Jinyoung, it’s fine.” You put your hand on top of his, giving him a reassuring smile. “I like talking about what I do, anyway.”

Jinyoung relaxed, giving you a smile of his own. He blinked for a minute, realising that there was some sauce on the side of your mouth you hadn’t seemed to notice.

“One second…” Jinyoung picked up a paper napkin and brought it to your lips, wiping away the food and sauce from the corner of your lips. You looked at him with a slight blush, a little embarrassed at him having done this in front of his parents and sisters.

Sooyoung and Boyoung both let out excited squeals, clasping their hands together as they looked at you and Jinyoung with shining eyes.

“Wah, you’re so manly, Jinyoung-ah…” “Yeah, he is, right?” Boyoung grinned, giving Jinyoung a wink. “I mean, honestly… you’re so suited to be a guy, and I’m so happy for you, Jinyoung, really.”

You raised a brow at the remark, looking at Boyoung curiously. She turned towards you, looking back in equal confusion.

“Because of Jin’s transition and all. Being a guy really suits him.”

You glanced towards Jinyoung, who closed his eyes. You could practically see the emotions of shame, sadness, regret, all emanate off him in waves. He used to be a woman. The Jinyoung I knew used to be a woman...?

The tension was definitely felt in that room then. Pained looks in the eyes of the parents and the other sister. Boyoung realised that Jinyoung hadn’t told you himself that he was transgender and she had basically outed him to you.

You felt numb. How could he have hidden something so big from you? What made Jinyoung feel like he couldn’t trust you with that? You both had been dating for almost three months, how did he even hide it so well? You both practically lived with each other, too.

Anger, sadness, betrayal, you were overwhelmed by all these emotions, but you took one good look at Jinyoung and knew you couldn’t let his family feel upset for this.

“N-No-” You were lying through your teeth, but you didn't care anymore. “No, that’s not it. I know about it… He was just very reluctant to tell me, when we started being friends, so I assumed that you didn’t know anything. I apologise for making such a hasty conclusion-!”

You bowed your head apologetically. You could see the relief wash over many of their faces, except for Jinyoung who was now looking at you guiltily. He opened his mouth to speak, but you opened your mouth to interrupt.

“But with how much Jinyoung talks about you when we mention family… I should have figured it out for myself.” You gave him a small smile, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “He loves you all dearly. And I know you all love him as much. I just am a kind of person that jumps to assumptions.”

Mrs. Park shook her head and reached out to pat you on the shoulder. “I understand your concerns. Because a lot of parents don't treat their children who want to change the way we did. But we have always supported Jinyoung, and we always will.”

You were walking a few feet ahead of Jinyoung, and he was making no effort to keep up either. There was a heavy silence, the distance between you growing to a near point of no-return. The walk to the subway was a good fifteen minutes, but right now, it felt like an eternity.

You stopped in your tracks, turning around to look at Jinyoung. He too had come to a standstill, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling to stop the tears from overflowing. The sight was heartbreaking, but at the same time, you couldn’t bring yourself to offer him comfort.

“Why are you letting me follow you?” His words caught you off-guard. You looked into his eyes, and immediately felt his resolve waver.

“Why aren’t you angry?” He asked in a broken voice. “I lied to you. I’ve lied to you for three months. But you… you told my family that you knew. You could feel their awkwardness, their impending disappointment, maybe, and you averted the situation. I don’t deserve it.”

You let out a sigh, turning around fully to walk towards him, until you were looking right at him.

“Why aren’t you just… giving me the shouting I deserve.” Jinyoung sighed agitatedly, walking towards you.

There was no hesitation, no fear in your voice as you spoke. “I’m intersex. On paper, I’m legally female. But biologically, I’m not a woman, neither am I a man.”

Jinyoung stopped in his tracks, his eyes widened as he tried to process your words. You looked at him calmly, even tilting your head to a side as you studied his expression. His jaw clenched for a minute, the betrayal reflecting in his eyes as much as it did in yours earlier.

“So, how do you feel when I said that?” You looked back at him, waiting for an answer silently. Jinyoung paused for a minute, before giving you a sad smile again.

“I understand. While you’re pissed off, you can’t be angry because you’ve got your secrets too.” Jinyoung looked over the bridge into the river. “I’m upset but I’ve got no right to express it.”

You nodded, coming closer to him as you stood by the railings. “So why didn’t you tell me, Jinyoung?”

He closed his eyes, thinking of the right words to say. You brought your hand to his cheek, making him look at you.

“I always wanted to be honest. And every girl that I tried to date? I’d always tell them the truth. I was born a woman. Now I’m a man after a successful transition.” Jinyoung’s eyes welled with tears as he spoke, finding it hard to bear the shame of his actions, you could tell.

“And then?” You asked patiently, but you already had a feeling what the answer was going to be.

“And nothing. We got distant, we broke up, we stopped seeing each other. We stopped being friends. I don’t know if it was worry over the sex, scared of what people might think or just blatant transphobia. But whatever it was ended up in me becoming hurt.”

“And then I met you.” He whispered slowly. “You were just so… right. So beautiful, so amazing, on the outside and the inside. And I was scared that if I told you about my transition, you’d leave. And… I know it was selfish. But I just wanted you. I wanted to be loved by you. I was scared of rejection. And if you turned me down, I don’t know what I’d have done…”

You nodded slowly, unconsciously looking down at his chest, hands wrapped in the scarf around his neck. “I understand. And while I’m not entirely happy, I understand your reasons. And… we’ll work through it. I’m not upset with you being trans, Jinyoung, I only wished you would have been honest about it.”

Jinyoung took your hands in his, planting small kisses along your knuckles, a grateful smile on his face.

“I will be more honest from now, babe. I promise.”

You smiled. You believed him, knowing Jinyoung wouldn’t go back on his word and hide anything from you. The two of you stayed huddled together in silence, listening to the sound of the river below, resting in the warmth of each other’s embrace.

Jinyoung slowly glanced at you, asking quietly, “About being intersex… why didn’t you tell me?” “Well… I didn’t think it was really important.I just never talked about this. I’ve never had to, or felt the need to.”

Hesitation flitted across your expression, making him raise an eyebrow at you suspiciously. You shook your head at that, retracting your own statement. “I mean… no, it’s important. I just can’t talk about it well. I was chosen to be a woman. My parents wanted a daughter, legally, on paper… whatever you call it.”

Jinyoung let out a breathy chuckle. “Ha. We’re a lot more alike than we thought, I guess.” “You aren’t wrong. Though… I didn’t really get much choice on my gender. I’m seen as a girl. Which is not all bad, honestly.” You sighed, a wistful smile crossing your face as he caressed your face in his palm. “I just wish I had a choice at the moment. Because legally, what I am is a female.”

He frowned at your words, shaking his head slowly. “There’s always a choice. Whether people acknowledge it in a few months, or a few years, or never, you always have a choice.”

You pondered upon his words, realising that he was right. Your heart trembled at the thought of saying how you felt, and how much you yearned for freedom.

“And you’ll love me still? Even if some days I want to dress like a man? Not like a tomboy… a man?”

He grinned at your words. “Yes. Of course.” “And if I wanted to chop my hair off one day, but wear a wig the very next?” “Heck yeah. We can get colourful wigs if you wanted.” “Ha! Yeah, we could…” You grinned at him as he ruffled your hair playfully.

“And you’ll… love me? Always?” “Always.” Jinyoung whispered back, lowering his head to kiss you softly, his lips warm against yours, hesitant but also so certain. Really, there was no one that knew you or understood you better than Jinyoung, and it made you wonder why you were scared of how he’d react to you.

“It’s okay.” He whispered your name, kissing your forehead gently. “You had your reasons to hide it. As I had mine. And we’ll work through it.”

You nodded slowly, looking up at him with glazed eyes, you were sure. “I’m scared.” “Sometimes, the way to overcome fear is… well, fear.”

A snort escaped you, which you couldn’t help. Jinyoung deigned to chuckle with you, before pressing his forehead against yours.

“I’m really sorry.” He murmured, looking downcast for a moment before he had a hopeful smile on his face. “And, I’m here for you. Whatever you decide, for yourself, I’ll be here to support you.”

You gave Jinyoung a smile, nodding in determination. “I’m sorry as well. And the same goes for you, Jinyoung. I’ll also be here for you with whatever you decide, and here to support you.”

“Always.”

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echoesofcanons · 7 years

Text

Fuck Father’s Day

I want to talk about Father’s Day. I did this two years ago on a different site. Apparently every few years I need to write this out. That’s fine. It’s a lot better than living it. My father hit me when I was a kid. Not spankings; though I’m against those as a parenting technique, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean he hit me like I was a grown man in the military when I was a small girl of 9. A short list of the worst stuff is pretty awful, but just recall as you read that this doesn’t cover a tenth of what he did. He picked me up and threw me so hard into a bookcase that I bounced off and still had enough force to go through my closet door. It dislocated my shoulder. He punched me in the chest so hard I fell onto the ground. It hurt for a week. He kicked me while I was running up the steps away from him; it was a kick so forceful that it lifted me two steps, where I again sprawled on the ground. I had trouble sitting down in school for a while after that. I can’t count the number of times he slapped me upside the head. He threw a wrench at me twice, once at my legs (I think that one was throwing it aside in anger and he didn’t mean to hit me, but no pass on that) and once at my head. He missed both times. Sometimes I wish it had hit me. Then I’d at least have a scar to point to. Then I think about traumatic head injuries and shudder; no, I don’t wish it had hit me after all. Thinking on that makes me think about how close he came to doing that, and I get angry and afraid and depressed all over again. This is to say nothing of the emotional abuse, the racism, homophobia, misogyny and transphobia I endured on a constant basis. It says nothing of the times he threatened to kill me with the words “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” (It’s a Bill Cosby quote.Bill Cosby was thought of as a parenting role model for a long time. I never liked Cosby growing up. I didn’t know anything about him being a rapist. I just knew my Dad liked him and that he joked about killing his son on the show.) Threatening to throw me out of the house to live on my own was so mild by comparison that it didn’t even register as abuse until much, much later. He never hit my younger brother or my even younger sister. He was disgusting about women and weight, so both of them got plenty of abuse of their own, but no on else got hit. Into that reality, I realized around 10 or 11 that I wanted to be a woman. Not exactly that, at the time; I just knew I identified more with female characters, and I wanted to dress in women’s clothes. I thought I was sick. Being raised in a Catholic family can do that to you. You think their sickness and vileness in hating people they’ve never met is yours, because it’s all you know.

Even if we’d been atheists, though, my father’s rage towards me combined with his sexualization of every female comic book, cartoon, and novel character I was interested in who was female made me terrified. He was hitting me already. What would hitting look like combined with sexualizing? I didn’t know. I thought maybe rape. What he did was awful; what I imagined he would do, as a creative young woman and a writer fully capable of imagining the worst, was even more terrifying.

When I first started sleeping with a man, in what I thought was a gay relationship but was, counter to my then limited understanding, a straight one, I insisted we keep it quiet from my both of my parents. I meant my father. I was worried he’d hurt me. Worse, I was worried he’d hurt the guy fucking me. Even though that guy was a rich asshole who used, hid, and shamed me, he didn’t deserve my father’s fury. No one did. But I got it. I hadn’t worried when I’d slept with a woman for the first time a few months before that. I didn’t tell him about that either, but that was because I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about it. I couldn’t bear that he would be proud of me, but for all the wrong reasons. It would dirty what she and I had shared. Again, that was a gay sexual experience. I couldn’t even frame it that way. The idea of being a woman, of being who I really was? That was unthinkable. That was too dangerous to even contemplate. So I didn’t.

I don’t talk to him anymore. I held back from considering transitioning until I was 30. That’s the year I realized I was holding back in part because I was afraid of my father. He’d only stopped hitting me when I’d started working out and getting into sports my junior year of high school. When I shoved him back and was clearly ready to punch him at 16, he backed down and never did it again. He was an ex Marine, so I don’t think it was fear. I think he wanted to get some sort of manliness check out of me, perhaps, or was such a bully that he instinctively backed off people who were strong enough to stand up for themselves. Or maybe he was just a coward, and I’m even now giving him credit where it isn’t due. My ex-wife was just like him. I fell into the abuse trap so many childhood abuse survivors do, clinging to a new abuser to escape the old one. She was an abuse survivor too, if she was telling me the truth. It’s hard to tell; she lied about so much, most of which I didn’t find out about until leaving her. I think she was, though. The types of abuse she faced matched her abusive behaviors. He was bad; she was worse. He was an idiot at least, and I knew he was wrong. She hid things so she could shame me for my mental health. Where his abuse was blatant, hers came with the promise that only she would ever love me so much. Where he was violent in rage, she hit me while she was laughing. Where he drove others away, she brought them into the abuse and made mocking me a fun game for others. She gaslit me terribly, so that I still have panic attacks when I lose my keys for a moment because of all the times she would hide my things right before work, or a trip to my family, or interviews, then harangue me about my lapses. Maybe worst of all, she used the fact that I’d shared my deepest secret with her, that I was a woman or at least liked dressing as one, to manipulate me through fear and shame. I escaped her the same year I cut off contact with him. It was one of the hardest years of my life. I had no job, as I’d been fired for coming out as potentially transitioning soon at work under the pretense of it being for forgetting to call a customer back. It was a crucible of a year. I had a screaming match with my father and mother, walked out on both of them at my brother’s graduation from basic training, and took a year away before speaking to my Mom again after she profusely apologized, acknowledged his abuse, and promised to work on our relationship from the understanding that she had failed to protect me. I’m 34 now. It took me two years after my ex to feel certain enough in myself to transition. I’m two years into electrolysis and a year and a half into HRT. I’ve been mildly assaulted on the street three times, four if you count the old woman who tried to spit on me. I get stared at constantly. People routinely talk about how they’d kill a trans woman, or hurt her, when I’m on the bus. Having a beard and breasts is not something people are willing to let slide. Every time it happens--every damn time--I flash back to my father. I don’t think these people realize how lucky they are that I’ve embraced nonviolence. It wasn’t out of lack of capacity or skill; having an abusive father like mine has meant knowing how to fight lethally while other people were still posturing and swelling their chests. No, it’s not lack of capacity. It was and is a conscious ethical choice. I’ve chosen to turn my father’s violence, his pain and suffering from his own abusive father, inwards on myself rather than ever let it escape and hurt someone else. Just learning to stand up for myself without the violence he always used has been a trial. I always want to please everyone, and when I’m upset or hurt I either cringe or have to walk away. I’m forever bowing and scraping. I often hate who I am. I often think I’m a violent monster at heart. I try hard to remember that’s his voice, his hate. Father’s Day is a shitty day for me. It’s a shitty day for a lot of people who had abusive men in their lives who dared to call themselves “dad.” If you’re out there reading this and you’re remembering similar terror and pain from a man who was supposed to be your protector and parent, your guardian and loving father, I’m sorry. He might never say it, but I will. I’m so sorry you suffered and you deserved better. So did I. So does everyone with an abusive father. If you’re in it now, please know that it can get better. Please hold on. Don’t kill yourself. I thought about it constantly in those years, and I still do, but I held on and it did get better. It’s still getting better. It’s not that your pain isn’t enough to make death a desirable alternative. It is. It’s that such pain isn’t eternal, and you will be able to escape it if you can just hold on. Please do. It gets better. I’m a happier person today. I’m in several romantic poly relationships with people who treat me with dignity, respect, and gentleness. One of them has been going on for five years now. I have good friends, and I’ve never been closer with several members of my family. My dad isn’t one of them. So fuck Father’s Day. Today’s the day I mourn the life I could have had. Today is the day I hold out hope for those caught in situations like mine. Most of all, today is the day I remember that I was and am a woman strong enough to survive everything he did to me as a little girl, and to still have compassion for the pain he suffered to turn him in to what he was. Compassion doesn’t mean forgetting or forgiveness, but I’m damn proud that I don’t think he’s a monster. He just acted like one. Fuck Father’s Day. Heal where and when you can. Escape when you’re able. Know that you’re worthy of love and affection that isn’t coerced through fear and violence.You’re stronger than he’ll ever be, and you’re beautiful and brave in a way no one who hasn’t suffered like you will ever understand.

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