#and relearning how to draw without fucking zooming in

[vessmar]

literally in hell bc my ipad has a part of the screen that is unresponsive and also won't fucking charge rn, and i'm honestly not sure what i'm gonna do if this thing fully shits the bed i'm nothing without my ipad, i hate it but all of my hobbies are on that mf piece of junk, sobs

[to-each-based-on-need]

Sobriety corner: almost day 4! I know from experience it’s going to start to feel a little better soon. I already feel less hopeless. Yeah, I couldn’t get out of bed until 2pm. Yes, I’m drinking my morning coffee and writing in my journal in the late afternoon. That has to be okay, because that’s how it is.

-I wanted to go to a meeting this morning, but I felt so comfy and safe in my bed, I skipped it. Instead, I’m committing to going to a Zoom meeting of folks in my online sobriety circle this evening. I’m nervous. I have no idea what it’s going to be like. My mom is going to be out of the house, and whiile I’d normally use it as an opportunity to get drunk, or fantastically stoned, or have sex, I’m doing something good for my future. UGH. I know sobriety is making my life a lot better, but it’s learning.

- talked to my ex yesterday. He’s also getting sober (which, of course, I’m telling myself means WE COULD FINALLY BE HAPPY). He talked about how it’s been good to remember everything and have sexaul experiences that “aren’t weird” (I’m realizing as I’m writing this that he leaned pretty heavy on the sexual experiences probably to make me feel bad), and he also talked about how difficult it is to relearn to do everything sober. Man, that hit. I’ve been living so much of my life the past decade drunk that I have to relearn to do a lot of it. Going on dates sober? Sex sober? TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND FAILURES SOBER? Jesus Christ. Well, if that asshole can learn to do that, so can I.

-Back to dreaming hard about trauma and exes. I have to believe this will end.

-I’ve been having a hard time “having fun” sober. I usually start the first few days lethargic, then I keep myself insanely busy and productive, then it’s too much and I get drunk to “relax” . I’m trying to learn relaxing activities. I’ve been drawing and painting. I like that, but it still isn’t goofy fun yet. I’ve been hanging out with new, sober people, and it’s nice, but it’s still not completely easy yet. I read a lot, but it’s lonely. I think I got to this point because I have so much trouble just sitting down and relaxing, and doing that without feeling like it’s a form of productivity? FUCK.

Other news: 

-Have an interview Tuesday. Super broke for a while, but at least I have that. Going to keep applying!

-Had a great time with T yesterday. He’s also very Type A, and working on getting clean from weed. He bought me a bunch of cool pens for my drawings. He also bought me tacos and ice cream. 

-Trying to get excited to have a solo Dream Girl night. Do my hair for myself. Paint. Listen to Lana. Indulge in indulgent feelings. Read some trashy romance. Look at clothes online. Pick my next hairstyle. Feel sexy without being drunk. Prepare for some lewdness.

Anyway, thanks for reading, future self (and anyone else who finds this drivel interesting). Also immense gratitude for people who’ve reached out and offered support (looking hard at you, @emophaseforever and @transcendentalsleuth!) It’s cool that people still want to talk to me despite everything I feel.

See you tonight!

[tiny-maus-boots]

The Howl pt 8

A/N: The unedited version. I still have yet to give it to my beta-bestie @chloes-yellow-cup for notes. However hardly anyone ever reads on here so I figured...why not?? Sorry for the typos and whatnot. 

08.

She was so close to her goal, if she could just get there before she passed out from pain everything would be okay. Fire blazed a trail down her neck as she banked a curve and zoomed through the snow. Aubrey dared lifting one hand from the handle bars to slap the tongue of flame out before it grew into something that would only go out once her corpse was dust. It wasn't until she was cresting a ridge a few hundred feet from the edge of town that she realized she had absolutely no idea where to go. She'd left the cabin with only one thought in mind. Get to Stacie. She hadn't at all factored in the idea that beyond the town of Gustavus she had no damned idea where Stacie was exactly.

Another throb of grief pulsed through her and she realized with sudden clarity that even if she had stopped to consider the fact that she didn't know where Stacie lived, or her last name, or even her as a person... she'd still make the same stupidly reckless choice to run into the sun for her. Over and over again if necessary.

“Idiot.”

Aubrey could feel the burn in her flesh travel to parts of her body that weren't exposed to the sun and knew if she didn't find Stacie or cover in the next few minutes it would all be over anyway. Snow flew out from under the skis in a wide spray as she took a turn down a side road that was dotted with a few large commercial buildings. Instinct guided her forward and she ducked down against the handle bars as best she could but she could feel her skin blistering and peeling as it burned away. It hadn't been quite as bad when she'd been able to use the trees as some marginal cover but here exposed in the full light...

It was agony.

Her eyes closed and the snowmobile bucked and swerved under her. It forced her to blink them back open even if she could only see through one. Something tugged inside, skating along her awareness in confusion. Stacie. The corners of her lips quirked briefly and she gripped the throttle tighter as she barreled down the street to a shop with the figure of a woman standing just before the large metal door, holding it aloft easily. Stacie. The vampire's eyes drifted shut just as she passed the tall figure, the sled beneath her rocketing into the garage without slowing.

The impact of slamming into the heavy workbench and wall wouldn't kill her, that would barely leave a twinge of sore muscle, but the burning... oh gods the burning. That was already killing her and the abrupt darkness of the garage as the door slammed down into place was only a minor relief. She slumped and slid off the side of the snowmobile just as careful arms lifted her. Fingertips grazed her temple and down her cheek in a gentle caress.

Aubrey tipped her head so that she could feel the soothing comfort of that warm soft skin on the only part of her that didn't hurt. Stacie cradled her closer, head hovering over hers trying to assess how bad the damage was. Her voice cracked with distress when she finally spoke.

“Aubrey...why?? Why the hell would you do this to yourself?”

She tipped her head slightly so she could see Stacie better. She would have reached out to cup the woman's face but her hands didn't want to move right as the muscles and tendons tightened. The wolf whined softly and Aubrey raised a shoulder in a shrug.

“You needed me.”

Stacie's dark head turned, flecks of gold blossoming in the green depths as her beast rose behind them. Aubrey's fangs lengthened as her own demon surged up from the center of her being as they stared at each other. The tether between them vibrated with recognition and they both let out a soft sigh. The only thing she could thing as the wolf stood and carried her through the door to the small office and up a staircase, was that she had never felt safer. Their gazes broke only when Stacie settled her carefully on the bed

“Now you need me, and I don't think a little Solarcaine is gonna fix all this.”

The joking words weren't enough to cover Stacie's worried tone and Aubrey gave a slow nod. She would heal on her own of course. The darker the space the better, but she'd heal faster with blood and they both knew it. Stacie held up a wrist and Aubrey eyed it hungrily for a moment before she forced herself to focus on those golden wolf eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“You look like a charcoal briquette and you're asking if I'm okay? Aubrey please...drink.”

She probably should have been offended by it but for some reason it made her chuckle, an action she immediately regretted when it twisted her face painfully. Stacie shifted closer with another strained whine.

“I can't...I can't have anyone else hurting because of me today. Okay? Please. Just feed already.”

There was something about the way Stacie's voice broke that hurt Aubrey's heart in new and inventive ways so she gave a slow nod. It wasn't that she didn't want to feed off the wolf. She very much wanted to have another taste of the brunette but concern made her hesitant. Sensing her reluctance, Stacie swept her hair over her shoulder and exposed the long line of her neck.

The strong and steady pulse fluttering beneath the skin drew all of Aubrey's focus. Her dry tongue licked out over her lip and she didn't think she could resist taking what was so freely being offered. Stacie relaxed into the bed as Aubrey closed the last few inches between them, her body sliding along the wolf's as she bit down. There was the slightest bit of resistance before her fangs plunged past soft flesh and blood flowed into her mouth.

Aubrey's eyes drifted shut at the smokey sweet flavor of Stacie's blood then flew open at the electric jolt that came from the power in it. It sped through her system, wild and so fucking alive! Her jaws worked as she coaxed more blood to the surface, careful not to lose herself in the thrill of the feed. The vampire pulled back, tongue caressing over her bite loving. Warmth lit her body in a way the sun had not, tingling it's way up through her body to the surface. Flesh that had been charred and crumbling began to regenerate and smooth in a ripple as it worked it's way from her head to her hands.  

She tipped her head back and gasped at the sensation, her hands gripping the wolf and pulling her into Aubrey's lap. Stacie shuddered and gasped when fangs sank back in again, the brunette's body arcing up into the blonde. The cold of the grave rushed up from inside her and flowed out to meet the warmth of Stacie's energy surrounding them. Her hands drifted down the lean body cradled against her chest, relearning the soft curves almost reverently. Stacie's chest heaved as she panted with need and desire and it would be so easy to let the lure of blood and sex draw her past the line of feeding to heal. Aubrey struggled against the nearly overwhelming need to feel all of the wolf pressed along her body as the tall brunette stiffened in her arms far too close the the edge of bliss. She withdrew slowly and looked down into shimmering pools of amber and felt that now familiar tug on the bond between them.

Stacie reached up and cupped her face and she turned her head to nuzzle into it. As alarming as the thing between them should be Aubrey couldn't bring herself to fight it. Gentle fingers traced the edge of sensitive new skin and trailed down the bridge of her nose making her sigh softly. Full lips curved into a wide smile and Aubrey found herself smiling in response.

“Hey there, gorgeous.” The smile on Stacie's face faded as the throbbing hurt of grief squeezed through them again. “You shouldn't have come...”

Well it was too late for that now, she was here because she had been needed, was needed still apparently. Aubrey's lips fluttered against Stacie's palm in a soft kiss before she shrugged a shoulder.

“Perhaps, but I'm here now regardless.”

“Why did you come here? You could have...”

Aubrey smiled gently and gave a slight shake of her head. “You know why.”

Stacie's eyes softened and she nodded her agreement. Aubrey had come because Stacie had needed her and nothing, not her aunt, not the coven, not even the gods be damned sun was going to stop her. The brunette let out a breath quiet hum of understanding.

“How?” Her brow raised in question and Stacie brushed a thumb along her newly healed cheek. “How did you survive it?”

Oh. That. Aubrey gave a delicate snort of self deprecation. “Immunity borne of a weak blood.” She could easily read the confusion in Stacie's face without the feel of it blossoming in her chest but the feeling of it, curious and unsure added layers to the minute twitches of muscle as she processed the vampire's words. “My grandmother was pregnant when she was attacked by a savage vampire. She survived and bore my mother but the child was cursed. Not quite human enough to remain with her family and not nearly vampire enough to survive my birth. It's her blood that gives me the barest immunity as you saw.”

“And you think that makes you weak?” The surprise in Stacie's tone caught her off guard and she blinked. She was weak compared to her peers, not quite the full the being that other born vampires were. Too weak to survive for long without the safety of a coven and her aunt's protection. “I think it makes you one hell of a predator.”

“Flattery is only going to get you bitten.”

“Oh yes please.”

Aubrey chuckled at that and ran a hand through Stacie's long hair, fingers combing through the dark tresses. They were dancing around whatever had brought her there in the first place but she was content for the moment to sit quietly. Stacie turned and curled into her chest and gave a heartbroken sob as the dam she had been so desperately holding up broke. Emotion rose and crested in her threatening to drown them in sorrow. She pushed her power through it, anchoring them both to the here and now with the steady weight of it.

“Wade...one of my pack, he was attacked and killed in Tongass last night. I didn't protect him like I promised.”

Aubrey considered the simple statement and all that was unsaid in it. The guilt was palpable and she wasn't sure how to help Stacie through it. She was responsible to the safety of none, but she understood the weight of it on Stacie's shoulders. That the other woman felt so strongly about it said a lot about how she viewed the people she cared for.

“This wolf...your Wade. You take responsibility for him?”

“For all of them Aubrey. They're all mine and I failed. I'm Alpha and I should have been with them, keeping them safe.”

Oh. It was so obvious and she didn't know why she hadn't realized it immediately. Of course Stacie was an Alpha, all that power and the ability to shift at will made sense now. She gave a slow nod as she considered what could have harmed a wolf on the full moon. The list was remarkably short and the realization was slow to dawn but when it had she gave a regretful hum.

“Vampire?”

Stacie nodded from her spot still burrowed against her chest. Aubrey gently pried her free to cup the woman's face in both of her hands. Stacie blinked mournfully up at her with tears threatening to fall. What could she say to this? Apologize? It hadn't been her but were not all vampires one and the same for their thirst? They fed, that is what they did. How they lived, their very existence depended on it.

“The pack wants justice.”

Vampire against wolf? It would be a war that bled out all over the town and no one would be safe. Stacie gave a slight nod as the implication of it all sank in. It wasn't going to make whatever was happening between them now any easier if both their families at war with one another.

“Is that why you think I should not have come?”

The wolf nodded then gave her a wry smirk. “Yeah that and the part where you flew in here with your head on fire.”

Aubrey opened her mouth and frowned. “I have an allergy to the sun!”

“So wear a helmet!” A hel... Aubrey's mouth snapped shut if she had had the blood pressure she might have blushed. The idea of a helmet had never crossed her mind though it probably should have. Whatever expression was on her face made Stacie laugh and she pulled Aubrey down close with a warm hand cupping the back of her neck. Lips brushed delicately over hers with each hushed word. “I love you.”

It had come so effortlessly that it took both of them by surprise. She would have denied the truth of it but she felt the echo of it deep in her soul. She knew it was true because she had never been loved before and this...this felt unlike anything she had ever known in all her six hundred odd years.

“You don't even know me...”

“I knew you the moment you saved my life.”

The sun had never seared her so deeply as that one statement and she basked in the glow of it. Aubrey tightened her grip to bring Stacie up as she dropped her head. The wolf gave an approving growl and willingly exposed her neck. Aubrey pressed a cool kiss to her bite marks, lips grazing in a gentle caress.   She hadn't ever known love before but she knew that Stacie was hers and in turn she belonged to the wolf. And that was enough for her to know it was real.

She was so lost in the feeling of completeness, her lips nibbling and kissing her mark in pure adoration that she didn't register another body in the room nor the deep hateful growl until a hard and heavy body impacted with hers, knocking her away from Stacie and of the edge of the bed. Shock at having her perfect bubble of bliss broken made her slow to react and the person on top of her took advantage by landing blow after devastating blow to her face. Rage rose fast in her chest when she felt the bridge of her nose crack and her lip split. The only thought she had in her mind was that someone had pulled her away from what was hers.

And now someone would die.