#and she email me back like ‘ok i talked to mom and dad and dad is going to be her aide at camp now ☺️’

[thmollusk]

me and my autism vs. the aba therapy supporting autism and disability awareness hr person at my work who will win

[meraki-yao]

So RWRB is basically part of my identity now, I can't remember how many times I've seen the movie, and I'm on a constant quest of getting my friends to watch it too. And it's working!

But the thing is, my own younger sister, who's my literal best friend, the closest person to me, hasn't.

Her only exposure to the movie is coming in to my room on premiere night when I was watching it for the first time and tagging along for like ten minutes then leaving, coming into my room when I'm watching clips and watching along for a bit until I give her attention (she's like a cat) and hearing/seeing me very passionately rambling about it either on social media or out loud

She's not interested in romance like, at all, so this isn't her cup of tea, and I'm not gonna force her to watch something she's not interested in.

However out of curiosity, I asked how much she knows/remembers about rwrb from what little exposure she had. She started rattling off points that made me laugh deliriously, then asked if she could type it down.

So here's rwrb according to my sister, who has never finished the movie, nor read the book (she literally typed the list below herself which is why it's in first person)

enjoy! :D

henry's a prince and alex is fsotus

they met before once but it did not go well?

Henry and Alex see each other at a wedding and a big ass cake falls over

they pretend to be friends cuz PR

they text and/or email each other a lot

there's a children's hospital??? and they cram into a room???

there's a dog called David

turkeys in alex's room cuz thanksgiving

also sth sth insomnia

ok not a plot point but i rlly like how them texting was presented

henry's dad is an actor and he's dead

henry has a sister, she's nice

i rmb the name zara but i forgot what she specifically does (I'm so sorry)

new year's party. dramatic eye contact.

'oh I'm not going to sing karaoke' 'BURNING THROUGH THE SKYYYY YEA, 200 DEGREES THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME MR FAHRENHEIT, I'M TRAVELLING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTTTTTTT, I'LL MAKE A SUPERSONIC MAN OUT OF YOU'

the room with red wallpapers and alexander hamilton, 'the book is very bookish', f in chat for security lady

henry walks out of the closet literally

there's this grey(?) room with a white marble statue and it was very emotional???

henry's a sad boi

i think they fucked or sth

also there was a lake?

the emails get leaked on reddit by this reporter dude (who i think Alex knows before???) during the election

alex gives a speech

alex's mom wins the election

henry wore a yellow tie or sth because texas???

a pride parade outside the palace???

at least in the movie they go to a house or sth

deleted scene but they were next to a campfire and henry was talking and sad and alex was listening

ok Meraki back hope you enjoyed that lmao

if you have a favourite out of this list or have any message you want to tell my sister about the movie leave them in the notes lol she kinda wants to know what yall think of her recall

[bitchinbarzal]

miss luna could you please fix broken trevor where he talks with mom about how he also want to be the reason she doesn’t leave

The house was quieter, the two of you weren’t talking.

Trevor had to leave for the week, games in New York. You had suggested weeks before flying out and using the time to visit Jack and his family too but Trevor never brought it up, leaving without you.

While he was in Jersey, Trevor visited Jack and mentioned your ongoing problems to which jack replied with

“Dude, When i had to take Stevie back to Michigan and the thought of life without my girlfriend even came up… I was done with. I don’t think I’d still be here if we hadn’t worked it out”

Trevor played horribly. He had you on his mind the entire time. He just wanted to come home.

He’d received random text messages during his trip including images of the boys doing baby things, but that was it. When he finally returned too California all he wanted was to be with you and the boys.

So when he entered your house to find the lights off, your car not in the driveway he panicked.

He ran up the stairs, shouting your name. The boys bed stuff was gone, their stuffed animals and random bouncers and baby things.

In your room; your suitcase was gone, your pillow, the baby monitor from your bedside.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest restricting and the walls closing in around him.

Trevor’s shaking hands grasped his phone in his hand and he called Jamie.

“Hello?”

“S-she’s gone Jamie”

“What? Trevor are you ok?”

“Y/N… she’s taken the boys”

Jamie’s on the other end of the phone, confused “Yeah they’re here… I’ve got Sasha right now. Say hi to your dad Sash”

Trevor let out a breath “They? What?” He didn’t give Jamie the chance to reply but hung up and headed across to his place.

He didn’t knock, instead barged in the door which startled the two babies on the floor along with you and Jamie.

When he sees you his chest is heaving “You left…”

You stand up, brushing off the crumbs the boys had gotten on you

“Yeah… we had to-“

“You left” he mumbles again, somehow sadder than before and tears are lining his eyes.

Your face softens and you rush to him, holding his cheeks on your hands

“Hey, hey, baby it’s okay” you wipe the tear with your thumb “We had to stay here, did you not get my email? From the power company?”

He furrows his brows “What? What email?”

“The gas line on our street was blown by the power company doing fixes so we had no heat… I couldn’t keep the boys there. I forwarded you the email” you explain, still cradling his face.

“I thought-“

You turn to Jamie “Hey Jam, can you give us a sec?”

He nods, leaving the room. You turn back to Trevor.

“Baby, talk to me…”

He sniffs “I want to be the reason you stay!”

“What?”

“You want to leave me and I’m scared at every little thing! I’m scared I’m not good enough for you, that I won’t be enough to make you stay”

You sigh “T… that’s not what I meant when I said what I said the other night”

His bottom lip quivers “I’ve never felt like this for anyone and I’m scared y/n”

“I’m right here, I promise”

Then Tristan and Sasha start making noises, interrupting the conversation. You both paint smiles on as you sit with them.

“This is worth staying for” you say, gesturing to the scene in front of you.

Just you, Trevor and your boys.

[sitzfleischh]

Ok I only just caught up on Ted Lasso & plunged into the online hyperfixation/deep-diving two days ago so apologies if other people have already said this but-- so far I've been seeing a lot of people being like "oh Ted is going to go back to Kansas at the end blabla Rebecca endgame" and sure, Ted/Rebecca endgame is realistic but like... We know they're not ending up in Kansas, right? We have two episodes left, this show's whole thing is "Rom Communism." They will be using them to confirm to classic romcom structure where the penultimate ep is about everyone making the wrong choices and everything going to shit, so that they can have big realizations and make the right choices in the finale.

So, my official predictions are:

Penultimate episode

Man city faceoff, total football comes together and they win, hooray! Everyone is cheering but Ted feels out of it, feels like they don't need him anymore. This ep being called "mom city" also makes me think they're going to bring in Jamie's mom as a foil to his dad and start talking about mom stuff, maybe giving us some perspective from mother characters about their side of parenthood (maybe if we're lucky we get more of Roy's sister!) and continuing the motherhood theme for Rebecca

Maybe there's some kind of tie-in with Michelle and Jake, I feel like they were setting up that those two are actually breaking up, which is going to make Ted feel like he should get back with Michelle, even though that's obviously the wrong choice. Part of me thinks the "unexpected guest [that] has Ted on edge" could be Michelle, post-breakup? Maybe him getting distracted means the other coaches step up and win the game without much help from him, which ties into him feeling un-needed.

The tying up of loose-ends with other characters' plotlines leads to Ted deciding he isn't needed here anymore and should go back to Kansas, episode ends on his return

Final Episode

Called "no place like home"

Trent wears James Lance's Dorothy shoes T Shirt

There's some kind of extended wizard of oz homage, probably someone makes a joke about Jamie not having a brain

Ted is back in the states but he's not feeling it, keeps seeing things that remind him of Richmond

Trent Crimm's book gets published, or maybe he emails a draft of it to Ted or something for approval-- either way the writers get to do a Trent Crimm as mouthpiece thing where he narrates from his book while we see shots of characters / Ted doing stuff and having realizations

Prompted by reading Crimm's book, Ted realizes that there IS no place like home, but his home is Richmond now and he needs to go back-- not because the team needs him, but because he needs the team. Ted's character arc comes to a close with him finally asking for help and taking the support of his found family in Richmond, letting them use the Ted Lasso Way back at him.

Maybe Rebecca and Ted get together, or maybe (in my ideal scenario) Rebecca adopts a kid or something of that sort and becomes a single mother-- she realizes she doesn't need anyone else's permission / won't be completed by love

This one is also more of a dream scenario but I like the idea that they would lean into the "single parents are valid" theme that seems to have been set up, and have Ted, Trent, Roy and Roy's sister, and Rebecca all together in a scene with their kids, supporting each other

Obviously there's still a lot I haven't covered here, like what happens with Nate, with Colin (& what happens with Trent beyond like.. he writes his book lol), with Keeley and Roy (I don't think they're endgame either), etc. But these are the most solid predictions I have about what's going on structurally and thematically. I have hopes and dreams for stuff (mostly more Trent content because I love him and just want to watch a show with him as the main character lol) but I don't want to jinx anything so I'm just assuming we get some good background content like usual, and probably a great book-reading narration.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e5 the one you've been waiting for (w. meredith glynn)

thule society nazis in the recap, oh boy. my fave. remember nothing of this episode (8x13 apparently). though i do remember neck stabbing a nazi to non je ne regrette rien (but i think that was a different nazi stabbing episode??? 11x14). ps totally thought rien was laugh because ríen in spanish is "they laugh". sometimes similar words between french and spanish are the same! sometimes not :P i don't regret anything not quite the vibe of i don't regret laughing lol

DEAN I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? Look, Mom needed her space, and I told you I'm cool with it. SAM But are you really?

so here for sam continuing to poke dean about this. dean should retaliate by making sam deal with something

SAM Uh, rich people like antiquing. I don't know. DEAN I say we check it out. SAM Uh… (Sighs) All right. In the meantime, you sure you don't wanna talk about – DEAN No. SAM Dean, it's called sublimation. DEAN Yeah. Yeah, it's kinda my thing.

i had to look it up because i was thinking of the science thing but psychologytoday.com says:

Why is sublimation a mature defense? Sublimation is considered a successful defense mechanism because it often leads to positive outcomes—and outcomes that are often better than the alternative. For example, let’s say a man going through a divorce emotes by destroying his ex-wife’s property or lashing out at his son. In the case of sublimation, on the other hand, the man may channel his energy into an important project at work. Even though sublimation is a more productive defense than others, it’s still healthy to fully confront and process the underlying emotions involved.

look at that, it's a mature defense mechanism! something something processing emotions too. details details

miracles of miracles they turned on the lights instead of continuing to poke around in the dark with flashlights (xfiles was very silly about that too, kind of a trope of the genre i suppose. drama!)

hi localhost loopback webmail. that is a very nice little fake email screen though. and peekaboo sam in the mirror

finally someone reacting appropriately to overhearing one of their conversations 😂

keep trying to figure out if nazi boy here just has a bad cut/style/color or it's a wig. this is why i don't remember these episodes. could not care less

send in sam to talk to the girl, they can bond over being vessels for pure evil! lol she called bullshit on sam's lucifer vessel story, very reasonable

neverending fight scene.

ok same kid and now it looks like it is his hair. maybe that was a reshoot or something?

i guess british mol villains not enough cartoon evil, bring in nazi thule whatever douchebag his dad is

haha WAIT! i know this diner LOL. i used it for my archivist painting! and in the process of doing that i was checking the outside views too. i think this is the same clip in fact, just darkened to look like night. did they forget to get an exterior shot of something? now i wonder how often they do this. only reason i recognized it was because i'd spent hours staring at pictures for that painting

s1e20 dead man's blood

s1e20 / s12e5

that is so funny. looks like they took out the searchlight from the car too. babies

sam's reaction to nazi defector boy sliding in is cracking me up. kid's hair back to looking strange. maybe it's the color? it just doesn't look right on his head

mentioning again how great his hair is looking this season! what a turnaround. clearly should tag for me rambling about his hair, like the sideburns. looking at the search for hair on my posts, i talk about everyone's hair. a lot lol (best hair, claire by a mile. ugh. so gorgeous). sigh, back to nazis

i had some weird light golden brown hair for a minute when i was using an old box of dye and i was sick of fighting the white hair. kind of looks like that. also, what were they eating? chocolate pie? cheesecake? cake? stallllling

EXCUSE ME WHAT. wheezing

the matrix (1999) / the magicians s1e4 the world within the walls

reminds me of a cross between the matrix bug and the little gold scorpion thingamajig in the magicians. but way goofier

oki doke

kinda feels like this whole episode was an excuse to get sam to say this. and for the mood pick-me-up of getting to kill hitler for dean

DEAN You know, I was thinkin'… we passed a bakery on the way into town. Sign said, “Best pie for a thousand miles”. SAM So now you want pie? DEAN I killed Hitler. I think I deserve some pie. Did I mention I killed Hitler? SAM I'm never gonna hear the end of this, am I? DEAN Probably not.

very cute

[galariangengar]

I saw my doctor today and surprisingly, everything went well (idk but I guess maybe tw for talking about stuff relating to doctors, some medical stuff and talking about weight/exercise and whatnot)

She checked me out for my dermatitis around my eyes and recommended to apply aquaphor at night, and keep taking the meds the ER prescribed. I had a quick physical that, asked what I needed to ask, went to do blood work. It surprisingly took like an hour or a little less than an hour. Tbh, my blood pressure was initially high when I first got there, but honestly I think it’s cuz I’ve been so stressed out with a bunch of shit like this online class, working on nursing applications, waiting to hear back from HomeGoods STILL, personal family shit going on, have a bad sleeping schedule, and etc. I thought I was gonna get triggered when they checked my weight, but I was ok; I’ve only lost a couple pounds in the past 2 years though… that made me feel bad. But it kinda motivates me that I do have to get back into some kinda exercise. I gotta get back into walking, and I gotta get back to walking with my dad and Frida. My mom has brought up a couple times about this kickboxing place nearby where we live; there’s also a planet fitness next to it too. I’ll bring up the kickboxing place to my mom, and maybe it can be something we do together cuz she also needs to exercise and better herself for her health and improve her own health conditions. Lastly, I think I’m gonna have to apply for a part time job somewhere else cuz it’s been almost 2 weeks now, and I STILL have not received an email that I was supposed to get before anything else and no one has called me back like they promised they would the past couple times I called to check in on this. I think I might apply to the petsmart pet hotel again cuz there’s one nearby where I live, I’m already familiar with how things work, I can do early morning/opening shifts for them, and maybe I can get like an extra dollar for my hourly pay since I used to work for them and I’m familiar with how things work and all that.

[warriorwoman13]

My life has melted down completely. I lived in more than 18 different places from the ages of 5-18. I had very few friends. I didn’t date. I didn’t go to a prom. I didn’t graduate high school. I grew up in a house full of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I was sexually abused/assaulted by 7 men by the time I was 17 years old. I was basically my own parent at the age of 14. I had no soft place to land or call home. No one to encourage me or protect me. I felt so tiny and insignificant growing up. I was so incredibly lonely. Like the world was so big and I didn’t matter. No one knew I even existed. No one cared. I was never enough. When I got married I thought that would change. It didn’t really. He would listen to me. But that’s about it. His mom was mean to me always. He never one time protected me from her disdain. She had the chance to love a young girl who had never really been loved but she chose to judge me instead.

My whole life I’ve had to fight. To prove I was enough, that I was worthy of being loved. I have rescued people (and animals) my whole life. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt. Discarded, lonely, unloved, worthless. I tried to save my sister many times before she died, at 17 borrowing a car and driving 8 hours to go rescue her when I found out she was a prostitute at 15. Adopting and raising her little girl as my own so she didn’t give her to the state of California as she was threatening to do. I tried to save my little brother in many ways too before he was killed by a gang member at the young age of 21. I tried to save my sister’s child, Andrew/AJ when he came out for my sister’s funeral and I found out the terrible conditions and life he was living - filing for custody immediately. I’ve helped and tried to save other family members (you know who you are) from addiction, health issues, grief. I’ve been there for each of my children through some incredibly hard situations that resulted because of generational trauma and addiction.

Most of the time I faced the darkest, hardest moments alone. Completely alone. The people I expected to be by my side weren’t. Always some excuse. I was always expected to show up for everyone and fit in the little box they made for me. They could all be as messy as they wanted but I had to put on a smile and figure everything out. Be strong. I never did it perfectly. I didn’t know how. I had no role models. There are no instructions for healing this kind of generational trauma. Did I make lots of mistakes? Yes. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I have every reason to? Yes. Did I always keep trying? Yes. Did I push myself to the point of exhaustion too many times? Yes. Do I wish I could go back and do so many things differently? Yes.

My husband never really invested in our family. He took a backseat. He had every advantage I didn’t. Two parents. Stable home. Family vacations. Graduated from college. Girlfriends. Dates. Proms. College. Masters. Great jobs. Great income. During our marriage I tried to save him too. Long talks- lots of encouraging. When he couldn’t write his dissertation for his Doctorate Degree at UT I said it’s ok we’ll figure it out. He lost jobs, had a very serious suicide attempt. Looking back, I didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t share everything. His dad’s motto was never volunteer information. He’s always had secrets. I always felt that in my soul. But I still stood by him. I didn’t know how to give up. Still trying to rescue him and prove I was worthy. Even after I found out about the pornography for the last time I arranged a little meeting for Sarah and I to help him with an important interview. I helped him find new jobs. I tried to talk to him, sent text messages, emails, called, arranged dates. BUT HE WAS NEVER HAPPY. He never had the courage to walk away or go after what he really wanted. So he strung his family along for decades while he lived a double life of pornography and god knows what else. Even after the betrayals and lies in the marriage, even after hurting our children doing all of this in front of the kids multiple times, even after he slinked away like a coward, even after ghosting me after 38 years together, even after he’s lost all the jobs and is in the process of ruining us financially, even after the emotional, psychological abuse and gaslighting, even after he accused me of being a bully and making choices our whole marriage without considering what he wanted - like he didn’t have a voice - like he’s not an adult - like no choice is a choice- like he’s not in charge of himself, even after forcing me to waste thousands of dollars I don’t have on attorney’s fees by not providing any documents as required by law for our temporary orders hearing on 4/17, even after making sure he found a way to stick me with most of our debt on my $20/hr salary, even though he continues to live in his dad’s condo on his dad’s dime at the age of sixty six - He still refuses to seek help for his addiction and continues to lie and say that he is getting help. He is a pitiful excuse for a human. But I won’t play his stupid game anymore. I’ve tried to hold this whole thing together. Stressing about how the house payment is going to get paid and a thousand other things every day. He doesn’t stress. He doesn’t try to heal his family. He calls me a narcissist- that’s fucking hilarious. I’m not going to try and keep everything together anymore. I’m going to take care of me. Period. I’m not sure yet exactly what that means but I know I can count on me and I’m gonna take the pressure off me and take it one day at a time.

I’ve put myself in this little jar and put it on a shelf for years waiting for everyone to be ok so I can take her out. I’ve been a good girl and played by the rules. Waiting for someone to love me, take care of me. The wait is over. TODAY I CHOOSE ME. The person I was trying to save this whole time was me. The truth is I can’t save anyone else. I will never again abandon myself. Today I will start showing up for me. I am taking a journey. I was led to believe it was my job to take care of everyone else. It’s my job to take care of me. My kids are grown now. And now I get to give them the greatest gift of all. What it really looks like to heal and truly love yourself. I look back on my journey and I’m so damn amazed at myself. I am so freaking strong and resilient. I’ve been so worried that I’ve only taught my children bad things. But I know now that isn’t true. I’ve stood in the face of hundreds of trials over my life. I’ve lived things most people can’t even imagine but I am here and I still choose to love people. I am so grateful for the family and friends who do truly love me and are part of my life - I wouldn’t be here without you. I am so excited about what’s to come. I feel more free than I’ve ever felt in my life. And today I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks anymore. I care what I think. This is my life. I CHOOSE ME ❤️

[sincelastsession]

When I try to speak to my father he is automatically defensive.

He has little tolerance for me if I don't speak or act how he wants and if I can't do it he shoves me away and cuts communication.

He doesn't understand these things are things I have never been able to control and are not my fault.

How I hear my tone versus how others do via me hearing myself recorded is drastically different.

He has the same issue and when I politely ask if he is angry etc his tone changes, he gets FURIOUS. He wants me to never bring it up again and he expects me to listen to an angry tone that he says he can't change but I've seen him do it. I feel that he's full of shit about that but I am trying to be polite and give benefit of doubt.

He thinks I'm playing games. I don't understand what this means nor have I ever understood wtf this means.

Playing a game to me actually means playing a game like kids play board games video games etc...

It really hurts to just have to ask if my dad could please lower his voice or at least change tone. He's capable of that while I'm not currently able to switch up my tones consciously unless I practice or really concentrate and ask for feedback.

He doesn't understand why im apprehensive to talk to him or be around him or even go over to the house.

It actually hurts being back in contact.

I have never gotten a meaningful apology. I've explained this. Unless he's incapable due to unresolved issues himself.

Verbal apologies mean less to me though I'd still like to hear them because people hurt me apologize act kind then hurt me again. It's a cycle. I'm apprehensive to be back in touch with him till I see an actual change.

He threw a tantrum at me because I tried to clarify his mood and then changed his tone to angrier and defensive because I brought up his speaking.

I think it's wild how he gets to treat me like shit about that but if I voice my frustrations with his micromanagement of everything about me including tone or how I speak even mocking me which has been happening since I was a small child then he has a shitfit.

This is not ok.

If he wants a relationship with me then he needs to understand me and have patience and tolerance with how I am.

I try my hardest with him but he has hurt me so greatly it is hard. He is very much part of this PTSD flare and my trauma and flashbacks on the daily.

Too much input and expecting me to remember verbal instruction when I've requested it be texted or emailed is distressing.

I am a visual spatial learner. I told him this many years ago when I was told I was.

Him yelling at me to listen or him yelling at me at all when I have a poor attention span and memory issues due to a number of things is distressing.

My mother is also very distressing to me. Currently she is involved in yet another scam. She seems to have alternate personalities or it's her insulin dependent diabetes. She is also very good at playing dumb.

Mom and dad are both manipulative liars who put on for my therapists.

I have always been the family scapegoat. My sister is more lost child golden child. They have taught her throughout the years that it's fine to abuse me.

Everyone talks about respecting boundaries however no one talks about how respecting my boundaries doesn't seem to apply to them.

I'm wearing my heavy 31db noise blockers today. My head hurts. I haven't done anything but lay in bed and I took my anxiety medicine. I still have a great deal of anxiety and feel frozen up.

I still feel misunderstood.

I don't expect people to understand everything. I just expect an understanding that I have problems that aren't within my circle of control and that it's distressing and I need the same patience and love that they'd give someone without these problems if they were having a hard time.

The amount of resentment that is thrown at me that you do not see is ridiculous.

I haven't really been able to speak since talking to my dad earlier.

I have gone nonverbal again. I wanted to call people and do things. I feel small, unimportant, rejected, and hopeless.

My heart hurts.

I don't want to be like this. I see many people I want to be like but I don't know how. I don't feel a sense of self or identity and I don't understand how various things work. It's frustrating because yes I would like a doctor to evaluate me for autism so I can be sure that's the case. I understand self diagnosis is now valid. I've always had these issues and it's been mistaken for many things including narccistic, bpd, bipolar, etc. My current diagnosis I feel are correct and I don't try to fit them and act more like them. I think people misunderstand that I'm trying to explain instead of making excuses which is often what people try to clock me about when it's just not the case.

I do feel I have a dissociative disorder of some sort.

I do feel that a gentle confidence building approach and things along that line are probably best for now. Tough love often triggers RSD in me and it hurts and I want to get away from it.

I'm trying to explain myself and express myself the best ways I can.

I don't want to be misunderstood by a therapist again. This has led to many bad things happening to me as a result. It is hard to trust. I don't give trust put easily. Just because HIPPA exists and I know I can speak about things easily doesn't mean there's enough established trust or bond. Certain things are starting to remind me if past therapists that had it all wrong and that scares me. I don't want to take a break or quit therapy. It took me a very long time to find you and research and try and trust that you may be advanced enough to work with me as most people give up. I'm very tired of people getting tired of me and giving up. I feel like I'm profoundly broken and the ocean of issues and traumas etc is very very deep and dark.

It's frustrating having to go over things and start new. It does take me quite a while to settle in despite my ability to share about issues.

Often times my logic is there but it's waiting on emotions to catch up or logic and emotions are battling it out.

If you were to look at my physical health history we can factor in how these things affect the brain and contribute to distress. If we look at family history and "inherited trauma" there's a reason I chose to end the family line other than my own and medical reasons when it came to having my tubes tied and a uterine ablation. I wouldn't wish my mental or physical health nor my family on a child. The risk factor was too much. I couldn't trust my parents to be safe to leave a child with because they couldn't protect or parent me. They get grandcats.

The amount of physical pain I'm in today makes me sad.

I do feel a bit depressed right now.

I am choking back tears.

I do wish I could take medication that did work for me till I had actual allergic reactions to it. That has to be my all time most disappointing thing when I was searching for medications that helped. My Geneticist Meredith Allen thinks I have genetic mutations that are cause of my inability to tolerate many medications. Dr. Todd before he passed agreed with this as he saw me for a very long time and quite literally studied me because my case was much much different than the others he saw.

I hope it's figured out one day.

When I have bouts of depression I don't get a magic med. I have to rawdog it. I have to be strong. If I get a bath in or make my bed it is a victory.

I'm pissed about feeling this way because I'm aware it will be even more difficult to get what I need to do done.

I wish I was seen as not compared to other patients and things of that nature. I wish I was seen as a unique case and I do not mean special or anything. I am a unique case. I am pretty complicated. I am very determined to be understood enough so that there's no assumptions. I don't expect perfection or for someone to know me in every way.

It's hard to articulate what I mean.

I'm doing the best I can in showing you who I am so you can do your job and adjust the treatment plan if need be.

I know I have control issues due to the things I've gone through fear trust and trauma.

You may need to look at it from different povs and work on clarifying if these things are correct. But that's just a suggestion.

I'm not normally sounding bossy like this nor am I trying to be. I'm just trying to teach people about me so there's no hurdles and nothing in the way that takes up unessesary time out of sessions. If I could do twice a week right now I would. If I could show you my life better I would. It does take a certain level of understanding to get me.

I still think it'd be a good idea to put a mirror or a safety mirror up across from where you sit so you can be aware of how you come across.

Maybe I should get a hand mirror for myself to look at when I'm in therapy and maybe replying to the hand mirror you can see what I'm seeing.

I don't mean disrespect by this. It's just an idea.

I would like to work with core and perhaps sit at a table and draw while we have sessions. I don't always feel comfortable and it's easy to have the unphased part answer while the other part draws.

I do want to do any testing you desire to do or that is available that may assist my treatment.

My first form if therapy was drawing while I was asked questions.

I do prefer art therapy techniques and sand play techniques despite my distaste for touching sand. Things like that.

I'm functioning on various levels well but on others not so much.

I would like to know what my strengths and weaknesses are.

I do know my distress tolerance is absolutely shit right now. This is partly why I'm throwing all this out there.

I do wish I wasn't in so much physical pain or could just get a ride to the session stoned.

I wonder what would be easier to talk about if my inhibitions and guard were dropped. Maybe at some point we can try that. I don't know if it's ethical to treat while I'm on an herbal medication but it'd be interesting to see.

I would like to hear from parts of myself or whatever you'd call it. I would like to draw a map of what that's looking like.

I'm apprehensive about dissociative issues because I'm very scared to know how bad it actually is and let the others (parts of me) do their job. I don't want anyone to know really. I don't want to be seen or treated as crazy. We live in the south and an overall intolerant society of anything that goes against the norm.

I hope you understood what I'm talking about with everything I've written and the videos and info graphics. I'll try to slow down so you can catch up.

Honestly I keep meaning to do that then feel the compulsory need to say more. It's pretty painful to stop and it's not just an excuse.

I'd like to start adding pictures that express how I feel to this journal aside from infographics.

Anyway. I'm going to try and have a calm evening. Maybe I'll go play a Sims game and decompress for a few hours.

I wish I could get paid to just sit and play the game. I see other people doing this with a following that make a passive income.

I'm still thinking about SW type jobs. I have a lot of shame and guilt with sexuality. I don't want my traumas and unesesary guilt and shame to hold me back but I do have catholic religious trauma and then bad things that happened that scare me about lowering inhibitions and just going for it.

I think the adhd unmedicated is not really helping me accomplish anything. I can think of things to do all day but acting on it is like trying to pull a beached whale into the sea by yourself.

My dopamine levels probably need to be checked and all that but my doctors think I'm ridiculous asking about this.

I don't think I'm getting good care from my doctors and I see the way other patients are treated vs me and it's disheartening.

Dr Todd always said it was because they were insecure and threatened by me because I knew what took them years in school to understand.

But it's funny because I don't understand much easier things most people do. So they really shouldn't be scared of me. It's not like I'm taking thier job it's more like I speak the language.

And idk what the next special interest will be. For the longest it's been medical and while that does peak my interest it is becoming less interesting overall.

I wish I could get back into art but I have no muse and people don't understand my process. They think I can just produce like an assembly line.

The secret is I need a muse. Then I must be struck with the mood to create. Then I zone completely out and I'm back to reality and there's a painting I may or may not remember doing.

I miss ambien. I used to take it to help me sleep and it was great. But sometimes I'd fight sleep and have ambien adventures doing all sorts of odd things that were harmless. I was aware but didn't give a single fuck and everything felt like it should. I was taken off of it due to heart issues and told right before Dr. Todd got sick and passed that I could be back on it. My current psychiatrist is scared to give me anything because he's scared of the medical board. It's hard to get treated with what works and helps me function and had me functioning before because of that.

It makes me very tempted to try actual psychedelics. I do wonder if a mushroom trip would help any. I have plenty of friends that do and benefit from microdoses. I just don't know how I'd react. I wish I'd done that when I was younger. My sister has done alllll sorts of things. But she's not sought help for problems it doesn't alleviate.

She's still not contacted me or apologized. I have no bruising proof. I consider the time I have and if I should press charges so I can get the justice I deserve. I wouldn't want her in jail but she does deserve a punishment for what she did. My parents didn't really say anything to her about it afaik. They want me to blow it off and sweep it under the rug. If it had been me attacking her I'd be in a psych hospital or they'd definitely take everything from me.

Weaponizing financial care that I do currently need is very distressing. Telling me they'll take everything away is very distressing. Telling me that they'll call the coroner after attacking me and saying that they'll lie to the coroner to have me put away is so wrong. Just so He can get away with hurting me.

I don't understand why im so hated and why people say kind things about me but don't really want to be my friend unless there's something in it for them to use me for.

Travis is probably the only friend right now that doesn't use me. The thing is I don't fully trust him. He's an ex addict. My best friend was then she got sober then she relapsed and died. I have no hate in my heart for people suffering from addiction but holy shit the amount of bullshit they pull is astounding but I can spot it.

Travis knows I can spot the bullshit so he generally doesn't try me. It doesn't mean he won't though one day. That's why I don't even trust him fully.

I don't trust anyone fully really.

Here's Griffin being a cute little cryptid ESA.

I'm going to go decompress now and try to get rest. I'm still very overstimulated and overwhelmed and hypervigiliant.

[smollobsession]

Posted 27.5.

Start of the month:

Met with P in Telč. The weather was terrible :D but I had good svičkova and a good talk with my friend! I also picked up some albums she's been wanting to get rid of, and I'll pass them on to my kids who want them! woo!

As I was on the bus to get there, I passed the "pretty bridge" again and I decided to finally find it and check out the view. I was right, it's amazing! I then went on to Chodov for some more cinnabuns :D

On Sunday I went to Hlavni, thought I'd play some pogo. Honestly not many good raids but I did one and I finished a few researches so ok. I had a YUMMY pancake with ice cream.

6.5. Considering doing this

7.5. I had the most productive morning wow. first of all, i slept i think 9h so wow to that! Made and filled pancakes for C's bday, packed them up nice with skz stickers :D caught up on met gala skz gossip :D made lunch (sandwich and smoothie) bought rice and made breakfast (i researched this morning and apparently potatoes are also bad for ibs. all starches except bland ass white rice are, so, white rice it is) did most of the dishes so it's not a whole mess.

i still have pancakes left over so that's tomorrow sorted :D

i'm following what's happening in Palestine and getting ready for this week's protest. :/

but in the process i was on fb again and found this bit of typical internet discourse

8.5.

:( onigiri class for adults is full. the lady hasn't contacted me about meeting. and yesterday i made pancakes for a new friend but it turned out we weren't able to meet and my class pissed me off so i just ate the pancakes.

i'll give it till the end of this week and then i'll contact the lady asking to maybe only speak online, if meeting is too hard.

talked to my dad about this new job idea and he's enthusiasic. his idea is that if i'm looking for a bridge job, i might as well look for one in the general area (family) of they company i'd like to work for. he said oil rigs have a similar system. they are called differently tho which makes my search even more complicated.

idk why, when i talk to others about this, it seems so possible, but when i'm in my own head, it seems like a silly dream.

meanwhile, pogo gave me 2 more useless 4 stars :D i mean yay i'm happy with my collection but truly every pokemon i use and want to be good is meh :D

the animation before i could catch the diancie was fun :) but the diancie also has trash stats lol.

hello sir mr vegas sir... afterglow you say? O.O

in completely opposite news, i guess i'm happy someone put this up, even if clearly someone was Very Upset it was up.

it's nice to know that despite it all, there are SOME czech people who care.

OMG SOMEONE IS USING THE ESIM I BOUGHT!

12.5. They used a bit more!

The lady I wanted to talk to about work has rejected me. I guess my next stop is reddit :D

I had Korean on Friday and it was excellent! I then went to the agency that someone recommended to talk about potential job offers in my city and they were like "uh you should send us an email" which YEP i knew it (i tried but it got spammed).

Yesterday sure was a day. It was my mom's 11 years dethiversary. I had a weird ass dream about her of course.

I made a very hopeful meal plan for the rest of the month... fingers crossed. then went shopping for it. I also went to balkan store to get sweets for my kids, but I'll have to do more today bcs they didn't have my faves. Went to Flora to do some of my Korean HW - I have too much lol - and had a cake for breakfast... not the healthiest of choices but I was starving by that point because I didn't have breakfast at home. Saw C and said hi :D Then had a phonecall with D.

I hoped to see Aurora Borealis last night so I went to sleep early. I just slept until midnight, went out to see if anything was there - saw the city was oddly lively at midnight - didn't see AB, went back to sleep. Got a solid 9-10h last night thanks to this :D

There's a protest today, I'm getting ready and I shaved my legs :D priorities! :D

wore a dress and open sandals, no regrets, it was perfect for the weather, especially with the hat and the mask.

on my way to the protest i was on a bus and a man reached over and gave me a flower. i was confused but my kids reminded me it's mother's day!

some of them are going to the rammstein concert so the chat is buzzing :D (in the city i also saw hockey fans so wow so much stuff happening here now)

it was a good protest overall, though i felt like there were maybe fewer people than last time. sadly when we arrived there was a small group of pro isr protesters waiting for us (with cops between us, no issue) and a lady had a massive panic attack, it was kinda scary. ambulance came and helped her and i think it all ended up ok.

I went to the other balkan market later and got a burek and the rest of the sweets i want to share.

then i went to flora again to finish my homework. and have one more cake hehe

rip my feetsies :D

meanwhile... two things i'm considering. a) swimming in the local pool once a week. idk yet i'm so scared to try but :/ i want to? b) tmi but there's a big sxtoy store near the balkan market and i'm considering a toy. we'll see. honestly i'm far more concerned about the swimming... being perceived half naked is uh :(

and on a totally different note, i asked on reddit about the job and yeah... i think it's not for me. sadly. ah well.

18.5. hm so far all my attempts to socialize have been destroyed, i wonder why :D telc was good but rainy and i ended up being 1h late. my local friend wasn't in for pancakes. last week i made plans for pub quiz and then i locked my card by typing in the wrong number 3 times as i was trying to withdraw ca$h for the quiz master. Sigh. Even the fun lesson i planned with that one class ended up being with only half of us!

Now I joned a pogo group for bounsweet community day... let's see if i manage ><

some other adventures have been happening tho! I managed to try corncob - why sweet? and i found a taiyaki place that i really like!

yesterday before korean (since i had to leave early to unblock my card......) i was bored and it was raining so i found myself in the small botanical garden which currently has a succulents exhibit.

I did buy a smol one :) and it inspired me to clean my plants too so i did some of that yesterday and today.

After Korean I ended up at the Nepalese Indian place and had a great lunch. Omg their food is so good sob.

In fandom news, Jeff is in Sweden. I'm fine.

And this vid of Khao by First just melted me. Sometimes when people take pictures or even draw people they love you can just see how they see them and it's wonderful.

And I made plans with P for next weekend! I'm exciteeed!

It's spring here and plants are pretty <3

21.5. I've exercised 3 days in a row so that's nice.

On Sunday i did go to the center to meet up with the pogo group i follow on discord. i managed to speak to absolutely no one and even the pic we took hasn't been posted so there's like 0 evidence i was there. well, i got some codes from the leader so that. sigh, i'm so bad at this.

i got my period and bled all over everything again, despite a tampon and a pad. so now i'm washing all my sheets and protectors. happy tuesday to me.

27.5. last Thursday I joined the Pub Quiz group and had a good time and wasn't totally useless. Just got another confirmation I should have more faith in myself.

Evaluations sent and I'm slowly wrapping up the school year. (Omg today I talked to S*'s mom and I was so awkward lorde why am I like thissss aaaa)

Ugh ANYWAY. This weekend P visited! We did some good (and some mid :D ) food tasting, went to a medieval fair and visited the castle!

When she left, I got on a tram and spent an hour just traveling and reading. I'm reading Natsume's book of friend's finally and I still love it as much as I did originally. Such an underrated manga.

Did my homework in a cafe and had some cake :) and then did my shopping for the week.

Wednesday will be my last Full Day at work. It's really hard saying bye to some of the kids. sG said today that he'll continue if I'm not the teacher. He will be really busy and he would have made time for me but now he's not sure. I almost wept yo. Teens.

PS. I tried a new form where I write more often and keep it in a draft. I like it... but I wonder if it'll post without errors hahaha

[blondrichclosetwitch]

NR 80 2/4/17

Did i do my prayers correctly last night? Cause i’m having some head issues. I have to go back to that long psalm and read it again.

Can i just ask you something?

Am i really talking to jakk?

This stuff with jakk is really happening, right?

Alright i feel you in my legs, so

My love with jakk is pure, isn’t it?

I think so. I think i wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t pure.

And the stuff about my dad is true, isn’t it?

So why is he denying it?

Does he remember it?

Yes. (tearing up) he just can’t admit it in front of anyone yet right? So…i’m gonna hop back to jakk for a minute..so when jakk comes to me or something, he’s coming to me to give me comfort, right?

And let me know that he’s here. Even though we can’t see each other yet. And that he knows that this is hard. But when he came to me the other night it was to say, “yes, we’re out of the woods. We’re gonna make it. “” right?

(struggling) i’m not imagining this with you?

(transmission)

I know now you have to slow down, cause you’re going so fast. (a bit of a laugh, feeling better but also on the brink of sobs, interaction as a sort of calming)

It’s *hard*. It’s hard.

What did you want to talk to me about?

I’m a little scared.

The thing with…i mean how am i supposed to handle that?

I can’t be censored anymore. Do you agree?

I mean first off can we talk about the job? Which job, which family do you see me with. I guess they both have their benefits. One would be 3 days a week, less money. One would be 5. (yawning) i like the baby more. I really do. Anyway i guess i don’t need to know, but you know which one it’s going to be. Do you want to tell me? Is it mika?

Rosemary?

It’s mika?

I really liked her. I was in love with her. I really want it to be Mika (starts cracking up) i could feel it.

Do you think they’ll say yes?

Ok.

Do you think it’s the right thing for me to do right now?

I mean i fell in love with her.

She looked like if i had a baby. You know?

(pause)

Ok tell me what it was you wanted to tell me.

(transmission)

Ok, i have to ask you something and it’s serious.

Is _____ looking at my stuff…cause she’s afraid _____ __ _______ __ ____ ___ she was _______ while she ___ _______?

Is that why?

(long transmission) )

I have to be very careful with her.

We’re gonna have to be very careful with this.

(transmission)

Yeah. at all. I can feel that.

Can’t we make a dowsing system for me? In my body?

Alright let’s get back to what you want to do with the instagram/family thing, cause i’;m guessing that’s why you’re here. I’m not meaning to get off track.

Well i obviously figured out the prayer btw, yeah i’m onto it.

(pause) wait you’re still reacting to the prayer, yeah?

“Keep going with the prayer.”

I get that the prayer is great.

So my head, what is my head about? Is my head not safe? Why is my head so….so heavy? Is it heavy because of….dad? It’s heavy because of dad.

And when i woke up, my sex felt…not enflamed but definitely pulsating? was that………

and what about……what about…..Jakk *is* chef of ssam bar, right?

Or is he still at Lafayette?

(transmission)

He’s at saam.

Can i just go back to bed. “Yes”? You’re so good to me. At least the heat’s on.

(quiet for a while, writing)

Let’s talk about to do with…let’s just talk about it.

Do you want me to make an insta post? Is that the thing?

You want me to make an insta post about it. Anything else?

(transmission)

You want me to write my brother an email….explaining…..why i said.. the thing about.. she tells me to get stoned? And how that was the night…we had our phone conversation?

And that he never knew our relationship, and he still doesn’t. (getting upset)

And if he talked to Mom, he would hear that katie’s been talking to me every day…

and saying all sorts of things.

Alright is that my homework?

And can you take this pain out of my head? I mean, i know you can! (cracks up)

That’s a joke. It’s a God joke. (thinks she’s hilarious) i should write a book called conversations with God! Oh look at that. Nice work! Right out of the neck. If you could get this shoulder….the head’s really………..oh wow look at you going to work. (laughs ) you are all powerful, aren’t you. (cracks up again) Well i am mary, mother of god after all.

(interestingly enough, in all my years immersed in catholicism, i never ever called her Mary Mother of God. i called her the Virgin Mary, and my mother called her the BVM. So i think this was how it was being phrased to me, because I had a habit of repeating the words i would hear. )

Should i still meet with brandy at 10?

Maybe i’ll roll out my back, i seem to remember that did some good.

(soft) i miss jakk.

It’s almost 8. What’s the temperature?

It’s 23 degrees!

I am not into that. But it’s sunny. That’s exciting.

Jakk knew he was in love with me a long time ago, right?

He just thought because he was promised to her that he had to go through with it.

So he was Mary magdalene?

And katie was jesus.

That’s so beautiful.

So katie..oh god that’s so beautiful!

Oh my god i love that so much.

So they were throwing tones at jakk..for being a whore.

And katie stopped them.

And took her..took jakk………(sighs)

Does jakk realize this? Ahhhhh.

( walking around) that’s just…..it’s so beautiful.

(end of tape)

[incarnateirony]

Noooononono I think she was close and is backsliding, I was about to go to bed why am I hearing master of tartarus again oh god no maam its right there

Edit: got the courage to check that literally cursed ass blog, and she was like... right there. Posting about living a life. And then backslid to showing off her bird, again, this time to show they don't *always* stuff him in too small a cage since last August, just sometimes. The negotiating with herself is starting again. Oh god woman his pissed messages at you go back to June and July, you can check the timestamps, stop, stop sliding backwards. Let the fucking bird go. If not your pigeon, the one that is openly begging you to let it out so it might come back to your windowsill on its own some day, instead of being stuck in some venomous vibration he can't break past because it's too busy projecting me.

pleaaaaaaaaase god tell me getting stuck in that 2 hour cycle with "won't make a goddamn email to save my boyfriend but will complain about not doing it and how freaked out i am for 2 hours in spirals" driving backwards mcgee didn't like, resonate that energy right back out and make her start backing the fuck up again.

Edit: OH GOD THE FUCKING BIRD POST WAS AN HOUR INTO IT WHEN I STARTED SNAPPING TO THE POINT HE WAS COMING OUT TRYING TO LEVEL IT AGAIN OH GOD NO

SON OF A BITCH IS SHE REALLY THAT OVER CONNECTED RIGHT NOW ALREADY OH GOD

OH GOD NO I CHECKED THE FUCKING TIMESTAMPS OH GOD

its. its the same time.

"Many chatters can struggle making big calls or emails, but you had the strength to reach out to us today. What did you do to get yourself ready to talk to us today?" 10:48. Her bird post is at 10:20 and I'd already been going down the drain with this one for almost an hour with them just insisting on running away from just Doing The Thing.

Worry and fear. "OK, let's tap into that same power, even if it's worry, since we have a lot of worry right now, we can try to make that strength again like earlier, how would you feel about writing an email like this-" 10:50

I could but he said not to say his name. Idk what to do. "It's a big feeling, and can be overwhelming. Let's consider the choices. Do you feel he is serious enough about his intent that the help is more important than him being angry, or do you feel he will be angrier than anything else?" 10:54

I know he's serious, because he's done it before. "OK, it sounds like you feel this is important then. Let's take away all the other voices, of mom or dad or even him right now, pretend even I'm just a voice in your head. Even with all that worry, what feels like the right choice right now?" 11:00

And I was still on another 45 after that but I just. My point. Oh god I think that just direct uploaded the anxiety backing up to her. FUCK THE PRINCIPLE OF CORRESPONDENCE

oh god wait. I used to have my independent processing bloc, thats what started picking up her reflecting pyramidhead bs in the circuit, is she literally about to become my shadow work dumping ground altogether until this ends? Cuz that's the shit I bend people back from the brink usually.

Oh.

At one point... he outright asked, what do you feel we can do to support you today? And she walked right by it, and just said "I just want to be able to see him again and I just want him to stay here."

Oh god.

...I think that man later died to a spearman or some kind of soldier. Hence my disproportionate fear of death by sharp objects until I learned to uproot that as Not Mine and went all Karambit King.

[gjenevarants]

Almost Job/Mom

2/9/24

I think I’m just angry. Angry and disappointed. I’m disappointed that even after so many emails back and forth, after having to reschedule the interview because of something on their end, that the job went nowhere. A part of me understands that they went forward with another candiet. They might have needed to fill the position quickly, but if that were the case you would think they would have scheduled an interview with me at the earliest opportunity. That would have been Tuesday. Instead, they picked Thursday and then rescheduled to Saturday due to conflicting meetings. Part of me wonders if that was about the person who decided to higher. I would think that they would have wanted to meet or at least talk with not over email to all applicants. Again, they could have been desperate but that just circles back to my previous point. I’m just disappointed. I really wanted the job. I finally had something to look forward to and the rug lining the stairs was just pulled from under me, sending me tumbling back down them. Dad mentioned the usual: it would be ok, that I'm still here (both him being someone I can talk to and that I’m still breathing) and all I could remember was that line from Hamilton. See I never thought that I would live past twenty. I always wondered why that line stands out to me. Part of me has always known why and after last November, well, I turn twenty this year. That other part of me wonders how long I’ll last until I snap and actually go for the kitchen knives. 

I’m also angry. I’m angry at mom. When am I not upset with her in some way? This time I’m angry at her and a bit of myself because I went to her for comfort expecting something that wasn't a backhanded comment or a barbed wire phrase. She started out as understanding: that’s happened to me before, I can help you write a response. Then she played the: you’ve gotta keep applying to places, go in person to talk to them. Then she played what she thinks is her trump card: we’re broke as fuck. All that does is make me angry. Just last night, I watched her buy three sets of earrings and makeup she didn’t need. She’s used my makeup before both with and without permission. At least this time she asked before using my nail polish. I still haven't gotten it back though and I have no idea where it is. She always buying shit she doesn't need or have room for: new cloths, wall shelves she is never going to hang (they are on the floor behind the dining table with the boxes, we can bareilly use the damn thing), tickets to shows she really wants to go to but should not be buying because the money needs to go to something else. She’s been talking about not being able to pay off her credit card. She’s been talking about not knowing if she’ll be able to cover taxes. She says and does all this stuff then turns and tells me we're broke as if it's my fault. You think I don’t know we’re broke?! I literally watch her do all this shit and then she says it like it's my fault! There are so many things that I want to go and do! So many shows I want to go and see! And I can’t! And I know that! I may not be ok with it but at least I understand why! I have restraint! Yes I see clothes I want! I see shelving units and other helpful things that could be useful, and don’t even get me started on the things that I want to do before I die! I’m not complaining about the monetary reasoning as to why no! I’m complaining about bull shit laws about not being able to legally travel by yourself until twenty one! About not being able to get hotel rooms and bed and breakfasts because I’m still nineteen. I literally have only twenty dollars in my bank account right now! I have ten in savings! I’m not going anywhere because I don’t want to have to buy thirty dollars worth of gas that will only end up lasting a week! I have been eating less than I should have since December out of self deprivation! Partially because I know we can’t afford shit and because I hate my body shape. My new year's resolution was to exercise, to go on walks but I’m not! The nearest walking trails are all fifteen minutes away! That takes gas and gas takes money. I went on one walk when the new year started. One! And that was with dad and stepmother. I’m angry at mom because she is a hypocrite. She’s more nowadays than she is a mother. 

I’m just angry. I’m disappointed in her. Society always paints women to be the backbone of everything. She’s not. I don't even know if she knows what that means sometimes. I’ve tried talking to both her and dad about societarian pressure. About peer pressure. Neither of them understand. Not really. The other day there was someone outside of Target asking for money. They couldn’t afford their rent that month. I felt so bad for them, not because I saw them, but because when I looked at them I saw my mom. I saw where she might end up if she keeps doing this. I saw where I might end up if I can’t get away from her and that scares me. I’ve talked about being seen as her, about being treated like all I’m supposed to be is another her. And I’m not! I don’t want to be! I can’t! Very few people know how to look at me and see someone else. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t distance myself from her. I can’t get away from her shadow. From her reflection. I used to not know why I would look in the mirror and try to see my day. Any features I shared with him. Anything! And now I understand why. Now I get it! And knowing does nothing. 

Nothing changes. Nothing has changed no matter what I do. I’m stuck in this bullshit cycle where I feel like I’m living in her slipstream. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep living with her. I can’t talk to her about anything! If I do she either makes it about her or turns it into a backhanded barbwire phrase. If I keep living with her I may not actually live past twenty. I tried talking to dad about it, about moving. About getting anywhere else and his response was to get a job. And understand why. I get it, but he still doesn’t hear me. And I think maybe, maybe that’s because he managed to get away. 

[jwittekchatter]

Recap of “Emergency” Patreon Live from 12/28/23:

-he was at his apartment with Kyle. Said there is no emergency. He didn’t know why Kyle labeled it like that. (I thought he was going to end Patreon tbh so I’m glad it wasn’t anything serious)

-they’re working on a year-end recap (maybe like Logan’s? Has Jeff done one before?) Kyle was editing.

-said the beef with Steven is squashed but he doesn’t know the future of him being on the pod. Doesn’t know if he’ll be back.

-opened Christmas gifts with his family on Xmas Eve. Got his dad cash and some weed (o don’t think his dad or parents smoke so ?)

-got his mom tickets to the Rolling Stone concert in May 2024 in Mew Jersey. Mike and his mom will go with them. (That’s sweet).

-said something about how Italy was last year. His memory must be coming back because at one point he said it was three years ago

-will get his New York apartment in either February or March 2024 (previously said it would be January 2024). **I still don’t know if I believe he’ll actually go through with the NY move. It would make sense for him and maybe Mike to get a place since they visit often but idk, Jeff’s so flighty and flaky. He changes his mind a lot.

-left his parents’ house the day after Xmas to work on this recap video

-said someone that’s sort of in his crew hooked up with Ryan’s ex (that we saw at Coachella). He said he wouldn’t name them but if the chat guessed he’d say. People guessed Aaron, Steven, Jeff said no. A bunch of people said Cody and then Jeff stopped responding and moved on. I wonder how Cody met her if she doesn’t live in LA? That’s weird because she’s early 20s and Cody is 36 so yikes.

-said he was leaving Friday morning

-Oscar got engaged

-has 1,500 emails about the dating show. Feels stressed and anxious about it. Said he might get someone else to sort through them. **I think he rushed into this idea because he’s desperate to have a girlfriend and now he’s freaking out about it. He shouldn’t jump head first into things without actually having some thought behind them

-one of his goals for 2024 is the cuss less on the pod

-someone asked what his team did this year that made him proud. He said Oscar losing the Bruce episode 🙄 that even though it was tough it was a reset for the team.

-Oscar now handles only the pod, Kyle handles the main channel and Patreon, Iban oversees everything

-said Jeffrey Shore was a fun series **he was attacked and disrespected the entire trip by Tana and Imari so big yikes!!!

-said Aaron helps with clips and editing. Oscar wants to create a podcast network and produce other podcasts. Jeff isn’t interested in having a network (he’s said in a live or somewhere before that he did want to have a network so see what I mean about how fast he changes his mind? He said before that they could create a network that has Tana, Mike, and maybe a show from Ryan and Steven…now he has zero interest in doing that)

-doesn’t want his content to be PG. wants to post consistently on main channel and pod channel. Said pod channel still makes a lot more money than main channel (that surprises me because they leave in a lot of inappropriate things that I would think would get him age restricted. I’m surprised sponsors have any interest in the pod with how it’s been going)

-said he was insecure about getting guests after the Bruce issue (yeah we could tell 🙄) but they’re back in a good place. They have multiple back ups so an episode shouldn’t get deleted again.

-someone asked again about Vince and the shooting at his house. Jeff said he heard about it and is glad he’s ok but he hasn’t talked to Vince in a long time and they aren’t friends anymore. didn’t want to go into it but seemed very hurt. **people need to stop asking about Vince. It’s obviously a sore subject and bothers Jeff when he’s asked about it. He lost a longtime friend to David and the VS, I understand his hurt about that.

-might have Ethan on the pod because he “owes him” for The Steamies

-talked about hanging with The Nelk Boys. Said they’re nice but likes their managers more. Needs older, positive connections in his life **he should get away from Tana and her teenage friends then

-he checked off his goals for 2023

-said pod is doing better than ever **the view counts aren’t great outside of the Trisha episode so I’m confused by this. The pod topics are so boring and repetitive so I don’t get it

-someone asked where he’s going Friday morning because he didn’t elaborate. He said Mike invited him to Cabo but has a bunch of day parties planned. Jeff had no interest in being around parties with drunk people so he said he might just stay home to work on the recap vlog.

-said he liked the lost on his Reddit saying whatever Jeff said about Matt Rife was good

-he had no idea Brooke dated him and has seen some TikToks Brooke made since.

said he couldn't date a girl with a podcast because "even though I'm not a piece of shit" he wouldn't want to be talked about. Kept saying he's not a piece of shit (meaning, with women)

-was asked if he considered not including the fight with Steven in the last pod. said he did but its what happened and was a big part of the pod. and of course said it's good for content 🙄

-said he might go to Cabo and Cody is in Bali and might join him **he didn't go to Cabo or Bali. he posted a run on Strava from LA

-wants to go to Antarctica soon ** omg 🙄

-hasn't been going to jiu jitsu for a while bit will go back

-had Italian food for dinner

-said Sicily will happen this year. they will talk about plans after the new year. said he might find his wife there

-did 23 & Me and is actually Sicilian

-apologized for slacking on Patreon

-wants to do more lives. they might edit them and post on the main channel. **or he could actually advertise his Patreon and get more viewers that way???

-the only mention of Tana was earlier when he said they have good chemistry "despite how some people feel about her"

Overall, he was in a good mood and was really wanting to get this recap vlog done. Said they had been dealing with life things so that's why they were slacking on Patreon. he also said he doesn't know how much longer he can use that excuse for.

Thank you!

[thehappilyeverafter]

6/26/23 Cold War: Part 2

Background

A couple months ago, I entered another cold war (perhaps inappropriately named) with mama. This post attempts to document the context, e.g. my justification, for posteriority; I find that I'm not actually able to remember quite why the first one occurred years ago. I only remember the arguing loudly with her and strong feelings of frustration in Portland, after an already infuriating conversation with my dad.

What Happened

My mom cracked her phone a few months ago in early April 2023. She ended up going to the Apple store to get it repaired on April 7. She called me twice around 12:12 pm because the Apple employee needs access to the iPhone/her Apple ID account. However, I don't pick up because I'm napping.

I call her back when I do see the two missed called at 1:20 pm. However, this call goes straight to voicemail. I text her "Sorry I had a meeting" to excuse my missed calls. But I'm not too worried about her situation. I received emails that her Apple ID password is reset, so I surmise that the employee was able to resolve the issue and that the phone is likely under repair at the moment. I also received an email containing information about the repair appointment and estimated pick up time of 2:15 pm. Consequently, I decide that everything is fine and I will just call her afterward to apologize for missing her calls.

I call her at 4:10 pm and received no answer. I called her again at 6:55 pm and still no answer. I call her the next day on April 8, Saturday at 5:08 pm and still no answer. I believe I also asked my sister to try calling her and that that was unsuccessful as well. I call her again on April 9 at 3:18 pm and still no answer. Finally, I text her at 3:19 pm asking her if she's receiving my calls but receive no response. I suspect she is intentionally ignoring me, but I want to be absolutely certain before instigating an argument. I ask Uncle Kenny to call her to confirm she's OK. He gets back to me indicating that he was able to successfully call her and talk to her and that she's fine. I have my confirmation.

Finally, at 9:52 pm on Sunday April 9, she texts me "Call me". I call her at 10:12 pm and we have a 10 minute argument. It turns out that my suspicions were correct; she has been intentionally ignoring my calls as some form of retribution for me missing her two calls on Friday. During the phone call, I had the impression she was ready to move on (after all, she did ignore me for 2 days), but I wasn't. I told her that missing two phone calls did not justify her behavior toward me and that I wanted an apology. She didn't understand that I had been privy to the repair information via emails e.g. it's success despite my inaction and its specific times. She did not understand why I was so upset or why I felt that she was wrong and that I deserved an apology. Ultimately, I told her I wasn't going home that Friday April 14 as originally planned. She said "Fine!". And we hung up.

Fallout

We haven't talked since that phone call on April 9. It's been around 2 and half months since. My dad texted me recently (while I was flying back from NYC for AddeConf) on June 23 about how my sister and I shouldn't mistreat/ignore my mom and that we're all she has. And I understand that. But I texted back "It's her choice. She never called me".

The intentional rejection of my phone calls as retribution for the accidental rejection of her phone calls is childish and abusive. I was worried the whole weekend and considered the possibility that something had happened to her. And I'm not being malicious or difficult in my reaction. I simply ask for an apology. And she can't even be bothered to provide that. Despite her devotion to raising me and my sister, I won't tolerate disrespect, even from her. Rather than lift us up and inspire us as a parent, she chooses to play these psychologically manipulative, exhausting games.

Additionally, the fact that this is the second cold war fuels my resolution to continue this standoff. It has soured my opinion of my mom and what I think our relationship. She clearly is immature, stubborn, and short-sighted. There are also clear limitations to her compassion/love if she is willing to ignore me and enter into cold wars so easily rather simply reflect apologize.

I do feel guilty when I reflect on how my mom is living her life without her children visiting as often. However, as I told my dad, it's her choice and she can resolve things easily. For now, I will continue forward on this path.

[cobaltleaf]

College was hard. I couldn’t leave my dorm, I couldn’t go to class. I forgot how to talk to people, I wasn’t making friends. I got this email saying I was on academic probation. I didn’t even get to drop out, they kicked me out. So I went back home. It was just me and my mom. The house was empty. The dining room had become a storage closet, the table was covered in unopened letters and envelopes. Half of the letters were for the gallery, addressed to my dad. Unpaid bills, unsigned notices, collection fees. I guess he never updated the gallery with his New York residence. And it’s not like money was a problem for him. That was something we always had. He was just doing what he always did, leaving other people to clean up his mess. I didn’t see him much growing up. My mom and him divorced when I was young. After a few weeks at home I asked her about the notices. She told me they started coming in while I was in school and eventually she just stopped opening them. I thought about calling him, but I didn’t really have that kind of relationship with him. He had his own life. Instead, I called the other owner, Mark. I’ve known Mark since I was a kid. He was so excited when I called. I asked him what was going on with my dad and the gallery. He didn’t say much over the phone but he invited me to come down and have lunch.

So I drove down to L.A. I rented out this shitty motel and stayed in a smoker’s room. I felt so cool. I remember I got a pack of cigarettes just to smoke on the bed. I barely got through a cigarette before I got nauseous. I was such a dweeb. But for maybe the first time in my whole life, I felt like everything was going to be ok.

When I met with Mark, he told me what I already knew. My dad hadn’t been to the gallery in almost a decade, and he had no interest in what was going on with it. He did however close one of his bank accounts that was tied to a rental piece in the gallery. It took a few months but Mark eventually figured it out. I offered to reimburse him but he just looked at me and said “I’m in his debt, not the other way around.” I spent the month hanging out at the gallery with Mark. I researched artists, mapped out where their work was being displayed, I sat in lectures at different art schools and spoke with students. I met this one kid who designed the craziest sculptures. His notebook was full of crazy insane doodles. I told Mark we needed to display his stuff and Mark was just like, down. After that, I never looked back. 

I don’t know what else to call it other than luck. You grow up hearing people talk about ‘the dream’. After my first year at the gallery, we hosted a solo exhibit in Tulum with one of our artists, Silo. There was ketamine, MDMA, sandy beaches. I remember sitting on the rooftop watching the sunset, Mark was sunburnt, drinking a beer with a Cubs cap on. I looked out at the white haze before me. And in that moment I knew was living it. That dream people always talk about.

And then, two years ago I got a call from my uncle. It was a sunny afternoon in August. When I picked up the phone, all I heard was wheezing and gagging. He could barely get the words out. My dad. He killed himself. My whole world, I collapsed. I know I wasn’t close with my dad. I spent my life learning to accept that. And it’s so naive to say, and it’s hard for me to even admit, but I really believed that one day, he was just going to knock on my door and like, want to be my dad.

[qualityempathshoebear]

2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3