#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek
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It's deeply important to me that Loop kind of sucks
#they are literally awesome but they do kinda suck. just a tad#mostly as in i keep thinking about lucabyte's comics. they are critical to me#i love isat's postcanon as a space to explore recovery and communication#but sometimes you kind of have to drag urself through glass to get there. sometimes the glass sticks in ur skin and makes u prickly#i think constantly about like. loop being surprised by siffrin's kindness if u choose to be nice to them in certain dialogue options.#remarking about how time has made them jaded more than he is#loop is fundamentally kind. but they are scantly ever 'nice'#i think if loop joins the party it's inevitable that they are going to make each other bristle up#loop has a difficult time with all of the party members. between the guilt and the loss and them just not being capital s Siffrin#and to the party who only knows loop from one interaction and siffrin's apparent care for them i think loop would come off. abrasive at bes#like. like i dont think loop would act the same with the party that they do siffrin. their mask is very Piss Siffrin Off specialized#but how much of ur persona is an act and how much of it is yourself. or whatever. loop wouldn't want to be mean to their friends sure#but it's much easier not to hurt if you wedge some distance. no better way to get that distance by being offputting. i think isabeau esp#would get the brunt of this. poor man#plus there's just hte general fact that like. nobody likes the feeling of talking to somebody who clearly knows too much about them. who#will never show their own cards. added with the fact that there's just an inherent strangeness w loop. where they have a relationship to#siffrin thru the loops that none of the party members will ever grasp (and in a way they cant even guess frankly!)#i just have a hard time seeing loop's assimilation into the party as going smooth and nice. you know. i think the party members would think#that loop kinda sucks a little. i think loop would let them think this. all of this being said this is not irreconcilable or permanent#but i like there to be growing pains for the party's expansion. i won't even get into nille bc this aint abt her but yah#the lucky thing loop is you made friends with a lot of really nice people who would being willing to get to know you again.#isat spoilers
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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Orb...
+ process kinda
#istg lineart is just a horrible terrible thing LOL#i sketch and it goes very well and i am very happy and i feel very creative!!!#i have to do lineart and it makes me want to give up the piece .....#i get to paint and im like omg i could do this for hours !!! this is so fun !!!!!!#thus: orb#im very happy w it so thats why im posting#idk how long the actual piece is gonna take so might as well post a little sneak peak ig#lmfao i gave up on the crown bcs it was too complicated and then drew this. maybe the crown will come back. prob not#im surprised w the process of this. i usually struggle a lot w accurately referencing real life things#and i usually end up tracing them just to understand how the form works#and god ive drawn so many complicated things for this piece and havent had to trace at all???? okay?????#i mean ofc its not entirely accurate bcs the craftsmanship on the original orb is actually insane#but i think ive got it down p well :)#ill have to try to make the gold look a bit better at some point later on but for now its !!!#i like how half my art i post here is either chibis#or just the most brainrot intense historically detailed shit ever#yes no one i talk to probably knows what a globus cruciger is but GOD DAMN IT IM GONNA DRAW IT ACCURATELY#had this thought ^ when i looked at my top posts and my last post was those nando chibis#and then after a week of not drawing after that im like yeah let me draw several imperial relics#catie.art.
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i don't wanna take over the world, it sounds like a lot. but you know, laying siege to a golf course sounds really nice sometimes
#just me hi#i'm giggling thinking about it hfbvhs#you can use the sandbanks for cover and if you plan far enough ahead you can start farming around those little ponds#and you can steal golf balls :D and use them as currency ?? or just collect them :3#and you could use the tennis ball guns to shoot the balls at people of course!! and you're supplied with sticks when you get there !! free#weaponry !! :D#and if you can hold out for long enough you could start planting rose and blackberry bushes in places they wouldn't look#why? bc roses Always Come Back#and blackberries will take a minute but who can get mad at a blackberry bush !! nature's surprise :D#oh and of course you could have a noble steed too (golf cart) !! :DD#and you could make the building a castle#and make a little gnome town in the fields once the battle is over#OH you could build a miniature golf in and around the town too :D for the funsies#/places are very cool i like places#could some be used better? oh yea for sure#i have dreams for abandoned malls hfvbs - some of my favorite places ever#that's one big odd thing i want. to have a mall to live in hfhs :3#is it a lot of space ? ye. but it's also SOO much space.. the possibilities !!#//anyway i Need to go for a walk in a city sometime soon lol#i miss the riverwalk aaa#GASP campus martius during the winter. my dearest#i didn't realize the threshold for being a city was so low lmao ?? like man these are just big towns what is this hfvbsh#//but aside from the city pining MAN#i got to drive earlier today ('got to' they put me in the seat and it wasn't very fun hfvbshf) and oooohhh#you know that feeling on a roadtrip when it's all worth it for just a little while.maybe when you broke over the top of a hill or looked up#from whatever you were doing to find a storm ahead and the rear lights of the cars seemed to blink in agreement with how gorgeous it all is#just that hfbsh :3#i like places a lot. sobs [<- crying candy hearts]#//okey i'm goin to go do my somethings now hfvhs :3 :D#music and caffeine are SO good ehehhehghhg [slinkies away so fast]
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Behold, my latest and most enamouring new obsession:
Malina, Lady of the Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. As if Red Lotus child OCs weren’t niche enough
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#lok malina#still feel like that’s too vague of a tag but I can’t come up with anything better for now#and yeah. she has completely stolen by heart and I don’t know how to feel about that#don’t think I ever was this attracted to my own art before#to be fair the design isn’t mine. it’s very heavily based on something nina drew back in 2021#because I did not have the energy or creativity to come up with my own thing#but the art is all mine and I genuinely adore it. super proud of myself which is a rare occurrence#anyways. kat and I spent three days digging this niche lower and lower and now have a he#*hell of a lot of lore about this basically nonexistent character#for lore about a lady from the North Pole a lot of it is rather hot… to the point my cheeks are burning non stop#I would say I’d let her do anything she wants to me but in my very specific aroace-adjacent case it’s more like#I’d let her tell me to do anything she wants to her#if that makes any sense and I have not completely lost my goddamn mind yet#okay. enough yapping. back to the art itself#lazy background because I suck at those and am not currently attempting to learn them. I’ll probably do that over the summer#about time anyway. my characters have been placed against an off-white background for far. far too long#this is the first piece in just over a year that isn’t tagged with sotrl. which is kinda weird tbh#I’ve been drawing my OCs almost exclusively for nearly 5 years so it is genuinely surprise I’m branching out#*surprising#less branching out and more diving from one hole into another but y’know#anyway. in my personal and very correct opinion she turned out absolutely gorgeous#her servants are way too lucky and unalaq is way too much of an idiot. no offence to vaatu but he could never beat out this#and I also have Kat’s personal and very correct opinion to back up my own. two against the void. once again we’re winning#I wanna draw her a lot more bc she has completely possessed my brain. I just wish character interactions were easier to draw 😭#I’ll figure it out. just need to fight my visualisation issues for a proper idea. brb#okay I’m almost at the tag limit so. in summary:#she 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
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one thing they don't tell you about song writing is you WILL get hit with inspiration at 1 am and you WILL have to write down the whole thing before you forget and you WILL find a tune for it while typing and now you gotta actually finish it so you can record a draft so you don't forget it and- oh look it's 2:22 am
#:(#BUT the draft slaps. imo. the singing's Not Great it's purely to save the melody somehow#also some parts def need to be polished lol when i sing along on my phone in bed I'm too lazy to go back and do retakes#(in part bc it can delete stuff i don't want deleted so.) so if there's a line I'm not sure about well. i have to wing it lol#anyway. this one exists in the same cinematic universe as loveless. aka fun upbeat pop songs about how i can't feel love#i like it! i like how my brain immediately went to a fun pop tune while writing. it's perfect. i love the irony of it so so much ♡#it's also kinda funny to call it pop when there isn't any music ajdkflglh but i can hear it clearly in my head so 🧐 yeah.#yknow I'm surprised by how naturally this sort of thing comes to me now#and i find myself writing to match the tune rather than forcing a tune to match the lyrics#it also just. makes them better. sound more natural imo. less pretentious too :P#idk I'm excited that i managed to create smth sorry for the ramble 🙏#i need to wake up at around 9:45 so wish me luck with that 🥲 bc i doubt I'll be able to sleep soon lol
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🌙
#lmao i keep being like 'ugh literally why am i so miserable all the time ' and it's not weird that im feeling this way#like i had smth that i just stumbled upon and never even thought could be real for me#that made me so happy and made me feel excited for another day and it made me so giddy and like#gave me sm lust for life etc etc#but then i suddenly lost that thing again and now im just constantly sad#bc that thing was better than anything i had ever hoped or dreamed for#it caught me by surprise too bc i would've never expected it and suddenly it was just real????#now it's like a distant memory and an out of reach dream#yet it is like actually all i want in life.... which sounds so insane tbh#but it really is... some things just work. some things just resonate with u on a deep level#and this was smth that just completely could reach inside me and make me feel smth#it's not smth that is completely reliant on me. which means i cant control it or keep it in my life simply bc i want it#it's also not smth i can recreate in anyway in any other circumstance#i can feel the absence of it so sharply every single day and it consumes my mind#no matter how much i try to accept it or whatever i cling onto it bc i dont want to#i never knew i could have smth like this in my life and now when i was allowed a taste for it i dont wanna be without it#:((( so yeah#it's not actually weird at all that im this down and miserable lmao#im mourning the loss of smth that was beyond my dreams even..... sighhh
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I knew that I was about to lose my job sometime soon but getting reminded tonight..... at work.... Like what am I supposed to do now
#The lady who told me was very sweet bc she thought I didn't hear the rumour so she didn't want me to be surprised. But of course I know :/#So now it's like. I'll keep worrying about it now#Can't distract myself with anything#Can't even focus on sending a few CVS to make myself feel better#Just stuck here thinking about unemployment until the morning#Whew!#pogaduchy
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screams this is the most accurate image of me & my subsequent activity on tumblr . com kjasnjkj
#i feel so bad bc I owe so many things !! & yet am doing so little !!#but that's just the way the brain worms work . .. u _ u#but ftr if anyone likes making servers on discord to rp in ... i'm much better at replying in a timely manner via discord rp !#idk why; the brain worms just prefer discord...#so if you want to write over there -- i'm more than happy to give u my discord or make us a server !!#and in other news ... I AM SEEING BARBIE TODAY!! ( probably ?? )#so excited asjsajj#if the Barbie movie gives me muse i won't be surprised.....#asjnjj
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not having any friends is truly heartbreaking
#i have no one to confide in or just simply hang out with#there's this concert i really wanted to attend but i have no one to go with and tickets are already sold out anyways#but the point is not having friends stops me from having fun experiences#sure you could argue that i could have fun experiences by myself but it's still not the same if you can't share it with someone#i went on a solo trip this summer and while it was liberating & enjoyable it was also incredibly lonely#i also went to a festival by myself & unfortunately it was horrible bc i got nauseous & it was scary being all alone#thankfully i got back to my hotel safely in the middle of the night but i definitely would've felt better & safer if i wasn't alone#i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of things bc i don't have friends & it's just so alienating bc i think smth is fundamentally wrong..#.. with me bc i don't have a single genuine friend while others have whole friend groups#this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again...#i feel like a beaten dog that always comes back around no matter how badly i was treated bc i just want some love 😔 💔#like i was the one who ended things with my ex best friend bc i was tired of being treated like a doormat & constantly having my..#.. boundaries disrespected but now i'd rather have that back then have no friends at all which is awful i know 😭#my ex best friend also isn't a bad person but she hurt me a lot & at the end when things got really bad i think we were both not good for..#each other.. but now i'm reminiscing about all the wonderful things we experienced together & i miss it so much :(#we had so many things in common we went to so many concerts together & had so much fun & now i'm all by myself all the time 😔#the thing is also she was always a social butterfly & has many friends so i doubt she even misses me#i still didn't delete her from my contacts & i recently saw she finally fulfilled her dream of going to america#i feel like she is living her best life & i'm just here being miserable & lonely nothing has really improved for me#i wouldn't even be surprised if she's going to that concert i wanted to attend bc it's one of her favorite artists as well#i just feel so unlovable and alone in this world... i wish i could restart my whole life or disappear altogether tbh#sorry for the negativity if anyone reads this i'm just really upset..#i should stop making myself even more depressed i'm supposed to be studying anyways..#and tonight i'm attending our company's christmas party i hope i'll at least have a little fun there..#☁️
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grabs all of you and smooches your faces and weeps!!! i miss all of you and can’t wait to subject y’all to my rambling and love once more bc you better believe i’m gonna use my spring break to make a comeback 😎😎😎
#i shouldn’t be making this post yet but i have been thinking about y’all for the last two weeks okay#i’ve been not great but i’m feeling better and more at ease with where i am#mentally and life-wise :’ ))#and i just really miss my friends and writing and getting excited over fictional characters#was i having what the kids call a depressive episode? very possibly i wouldn’t be surprised tbh#but i’m coming back bc my inner gremlin demands it so get ready 🔪#also if anyone’s messaged me here or on discord since my absence forgive me!!#i deleted the apps and kept them closed on my computer bc of focusing reasons but also! just needing to disconnect reasons#and i’m gonna keep to that for just one more day bc i got a big test and if i#set everything up tonight i will 100% be distracted from studying#i just really wanted to pop in here for a sec so i can make coming back a real thing and not something i put off uvu#and considering i’ve done a decent job with my studies tonight i thought i also deserved a small treat!#anyway!!!!! i’ve rambled as usual but pls know i love y’all and miss y’all and can’t wait to get back to writing again!!!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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everybody tolerates ur mental illness until the Symptoms
#work liveblog.#im just kinda sat here thinkin ab past relationships. platonic and romantic#how at first i was rly just this like#thing to use to make the other person feel better ab themselved#like either bc they saw me and went 'at least im not like that'#or 'ill take care of/protect you' type deap#and then the symptoms happen and its just like#actually i dont want this lol bye#or#youre so fucking weird just get over it already#or the classic 'more concerned about their ego/reputation' deal#like man i was honest n upfront#ive been open ab my issues and how they affect me to the best of my abilities#idk why youre suddenly surprised that im not palatable and quirky anymore#ugh.#i hate it more than anything when someone tells me they have all the patience in the world for me/my issues#but only when i dont have issues#anyway rant in the bathroom on the clock over
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Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today
#years after my birth im finally finding out the genuine joy of making friends#also relief. ive got so used for my mere existence to be an annoyance to other people as a child so its so important to me when people say#they like to have me around#had to turn down a very big socialization opportunity bc i was hungry and i couldnt come with him - will try to make up for it next time#what he said was totally platonic btw hes gay and im not a man#he also told me 'when i first met you i thought you were trans' and the urge i felt to come out to him and say 'YES ACTUALLY (but also here#the nuances:') but it came out of nowhere and there were bystanders so i didnt want to risk it and just. 'honestly im not sure' was the bes#half-truth half-lie i could muster#but hey he made me comfortable with coming out to him so one day perhaps#gosh i wish im not going to mess up this newly forming friendship (?) with my little to non-existent social skills#man also has the same dumb humor as me. i have to find a way to keep him around#my mom would burst into tears if she knew how much i smile talk and am open around him. not my fault he is a person whom you naturally feel#safe around#normally people ask me if im 'angry/pissed/annoyed/sad' because i have a resting bitch face and dont talk much to anyone#the surprise people must feel once they get to know me better.. granted i cant name any but whatever lol
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.
#gonna be venting I guess lmao#this is what happens when you delete your twitter account I guess lol#I'm getting real tired of being me but above all of being someone struggling with substances. it's hard to be kind to myself#especially because I feel like I dont deserve it#I'm burying myself in debts I barely talk to my friends I'm trying to build routines but it all falls apart the MOMENT I relapse#I've self-harmed for the first time in years I've been more suicidal than ever and I can actually see my body breaking down#and it's hard to care about me cuz well. I've never cared about me. and every time I talk to the people I love I try to put on this front#bc I don't want to upset them or make them worry about how unwell I actually am#and honestly...... I'll be so surprised if I survive until the rest of the year. I honestly don't see myself surviving past my nephew's bday#and that's... two months away? how can it be two months away already wow time really flies when your a piece of addicted shit#not the best way to refer to myself but Oh Well lmao#I'm sorry I'm not a good person to be around friendos. And I'm sorry if my death is gonna affect you/traumatize you but like#me dying would make the life of a LOT of people better. and I think it'd make me happy to go out by doing a good deed I guess lmao#anyway#here's wonderwall
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the want to reply to everything all at once so much that you overwhelm urself trying to figure out what to reply to first... so u get tired and frustrated and give up before u can do much at all. that's it, that's what i've been dealing with, i finally figured it out
#v frustrating bc i've replied to almost everything in my drafts in my head#but writing it out??? hmmm that takes a lot more work and mental illness don't like that#....once again i realize i still need to get better about replying to what i want in whatever order i want#aksfjhsdsd just thinking to myself as i frustrate myself staring at my drafts#WANTED TO DO MORE TONIGHT but w/e i'm exhausted & indecisive & don't know what i want so#gonna just leave it idfk#it's a hobby it's my blog i shouldn't make myself feel like i need to do stuff when i don't have energy just bc i'm an oc blog & people#will lose interest if i'm slow#the people who matter stick around regardless so who cares!!!!!#ugh. unintentional vent ig. just losing patience with my own brain lmao...#depression's a bitch no surprises there :/#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.#tbd.#negative cw#is this negative?? idk but idk what else to tag so w/e
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