#and that's much more gratifying

[amaranthsynthesis]

Well, I am an endless font of questions so let's see, I probably should stick to one vague area per ask to not turn this into a giant list. Big thing I have been turning around in my hand is the person carved out of god-flesh deciding to transition. How did he go about this? (More in the sense of something instant a la somehow getting a true polymorph or something more akin to real world via alchemy?) Did he have goals? *Realistic expectations*? Perhaps doubts? Does he tell himself it's his godhood calling to him, to self-mold? I think you see where the zipcode of the question is. Bonus: If he went the slow route, does he just murder people who don't respect pronouns?

YEEEEEAAAAH BALLARD TRANS TALK TIME LET'S GO

First a disclaimer; I am referring to Ballard in the past with he/him pronouns for my own ease of reference, not necessarily because he had that self reference. If asked, I don't think he would be able to point to a preference as to how he was referred to. His is not a story of 'oh I always knew I was a boy' so much as 'I always knew I was different and wrong' but that's almost more to do with being the incarnated son of murder than with gender!!

rest of the screed under the cut bc, surprising to no one, it's a doozy:

So, to re-establish and perhaps push further into some general points about Ballard's identity timeline:

age 6, murders a dozen or so members of House Halvyriin during the first dark urge. Sceleritas Fel shows up, greets him as 'my lady' but immediately backtracks to my young master/my lord. how does he know? I haven't the foggiest, even Ballard has not really grasped gender as a concept yet and so hasn't figured out he isn't what he's supposed to be--he doesn't even think of himself as a child, only ever either as a gift or a knife, because that's how he's heard himself referred to.

age 16 Ballard reaches his first menses, and basically riots. He has gotten some small version of the talk preparing him for it and loathes the concept entirely, is fearful of what it means for him and his role, knows he is lacking all of the necessary information to truly understand. a few hours of being referred to as a 'woman of the house, now' and he's ready to do murder--Sceleritas comes back to reaffirm there is a purpose for him outside of this house, and also to remind him that there is another option and he does not HAVE to be Daughter Halvyriin. Ballard basically says 'well there's no time to unpack that now' but it soothes the restlessness back into dormancy for like. another decade.

Everything starts to spiral between age 26 (after the first failed challenge) and 36 (the second challenge and the burning of House Halvyriin). This is entirely due to the presence and influence of Imton, the priest of Loviatar brought in to tutor Ballard on bearing pain with stoicism and inflicting violence with killing--also a sex worker, who becomes his first lover. Their first assignation goes very poorly, in that Imton, never informed otherwise, is operating under the assumption that he's bedding a young woman, and Ballard realizes very rapidly that that is Wrong. He realizes he can't ignore the divergence between his internals and externals any longer, and doesn't know what to do to SOLVE that, but comes clean about it all to Imton. After like. A month of agonizing, you know.

Imton being one of two sane non-Bhaalists Ballard knows, he is able to retrieve some information about transitioning from the surface (not a thing that is pursued in Menzoberranzan, of course). It's over the course of years and the literature is mismatched and has some gaps--surgeries, magical augmentations, permanent transmogrifications, alchemical assistives, some write-ups on clothing and voice training, the whole shebang, everything Imton can find. Ballard is going through it slowly prior to his flight from the Underdark, but is only able to change his clothing and his hair while he is there--there is, honestly, a kind of despair to KNOWING about all of these options, because he does not think he can ever leave, and that they will be forbidden to him forever, even should he win the next challenge and his adult autonomy. He can't let himself think about it, it is too dangerous to hope. It is only in the burning down of his old life that he can begin to think about building a new one.

Now.

There is a gap of (checking my timeline) 2 years in between the burning of House Halvyriin and Ballard's arrival in Baldur's Gate. It does not take two years to escape the Underdark. Ballard is pursuing social transition in this time, more or less--he's experimenting with presenting himself as male, seeing how that changes how people react to him, how they look at him, seeing what is convincing and what's suspicious. Only a portion of the time is in the Underdark, because he finds himself scared and overwhelmed to be socially regarded as a male in drow society. He wants to be regarded that way, he knows it's right, but the objectification and the harassment, the sexual overtures? He was protected from those, as Daughter Halvyriin, both by rank and perceived gender. He doesn't do well with them. Moving above ground shifts the balance of power back, and if it shifts his negative experience from sexism to racism then it just kind of underlines his inclination to remain aloof and unattached. But regardless, he does what he can with clothing and the timbre of his voice, picks his name out and introduces himself with it, and by the time he makes his way to Baldur's Gate he's convinced he needs to take additional steps.

Not wants to, though he does--needs to, because it still isn't right. Being perceived as Ballard, a man, Drowish and intimidating and concerning--not pretty, not beautiful, not yet, though someday he will remember this too is part of it--is a huge step, but now he looks at his reflection in the water and dingy glass and it fits even less well than before. He scowls at human men and the shadows of their beard, such an easy visual cue, but that will never be for him anyway, and it soothes some that the mannish elves he has traveled alongside also dodge the accusatory arrows of beardless femininity. He intensifies his training and workouts, focuses on building muscle as much as increasing his flexibility, strength visible and not just applicable.

"I saw a sculptor at work," he tells Sceleritas, in some dingy inn on the road, paid for by silver out of a dead mans pocket. The man's tongue was sharp and cruel, and his eyes were blind--now tongue and eyes all three are nailed to a tree by the road. "She had a great stone and she took her blade to it and she found the man hidden inside the stone. She knew he was in there, I think. I think there is a great deal of stone I still need to cut away, but I know he is in there."

"Your father sculpted you from his own flesh, baleful lord," Sceleritas repeats, as he does often, as he does always. "He has never had such a hand in creation or birth as with you, and it is an imperfect skill. You are only walking in his footsteps, and it is my job to walk with you. We will earn what we must to perfect the form."

I have a WIP on this topic, so I am not going to go very in-depth on this part but: finding the Temple of Bhaal when he reaches the Gate is a step back, in some ways. Sarevok terrifies Ballard, the way he's tied into the reproductive horror of Bhaal's spawn. It's an echo of the sexually charged fear he felt as man on his own in the Underdark, but reversed and wrong and made heavy and oppressive by the fear of keeping it a secret, that he too could be made a vessel to that end. Ballard's cautious and methodical nature is rushed--he has to make decisions for expediency, and is unable to really doubt or hold room for concerns or nervousness.

He doesn't know what to expect. Some of the papers Imton gave him, years and years ago at this point, they have pictures--but they're all sketches, they could be lying. The testimonies and interviews? No way to trust them. Magical HRT and gender-affirming surgery as it exists in Faerun exists, as I imagine it, in pockets, developed by those who are seeking it, made particular to their wills and desires and not necessarily accessible or helpful to others. There's no one chemist or alchemist or potion-seller who knows everything about transition and can easily determine the combination of ingredients and power to call for the desired affect. Ballard finds one he respects and approves of and brings them all his scraps, details and ideas and half-recipes, they put it together from there and it is a trial and error process. He spends a couple of years at the beginning, hormones at war with themselves, struggling to control his emotions and his dark urge, locking himself into irons deep below-ground whenever the time comes for his next dose. He takes copious notes, and if they are blood-stained when he brings him back to the chemist, they ask no questions but the relevant.

The spells are more straightforward, easily replicate-able as they are, but Ballard is not a magical person, he has very limited access to that kind of power--a handful of shadowy cantrips and what power he can borrow from his own body's energy--and does not trust it. A transfiguration will always feel like something that was done to him, and that can be undone. He wants permanence, he wants something tangible, so if he has to take this potion every two weeks for the rest of his life--at least he can see the changes as they build up, at least he can see himself still under them. He looks for a surgeon for years, and despairs of finding one he deems competent. In the end it is a collaborative effort--Ballard, propped up on a stone operating table, a careful cocktail of paralytics that keep his body steady and his brain keen and unadulterated. He cuts where he can, himself, and directs Sceleritas where he cannot. They pare the stone away to find the shape of him hidden beneath it, and if it is agony then it is because it matters. Everything that matters feels like dying.

[catnippackets]

there's a special kind of joy in making fanart for a series that has a relatively small fandom bc you KNOW the handful of people online who like it are gonna be ecstatic about it lol

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

Completely lost track of my hair wash schedule and I forgot to shave my legs one night last week, that's how you know it's bad

[retroautomaton]

✨ Metropolis Cocktail ✨

Here’s the first few pages of my first full-length comic with the crew, to close out the Halloween season! 🎃

pg. 1, 2, & 3

[clerichs-xi]

felt like the two of them deserved to be soft, so here they are <3

[bereft-of-frogs]

hey. look at that! they figured out a framing device, good for them.

ok no that sounds really snarky but I really like how the episode ends with both sisters about to get a bigger picture of the night of the fire (Osha, already prone to visions, diving into the Force under the helmet, and Mae hearing Sol's side of the story), as a lead in to the flashback. I know there's been a lot of theories floated around that Sol/someone manipulated Osha's memories....but I actually think the flashback episode is presented as being true to life. I think if this was meant to be on a tight Osha perspective (with a fundamentally altered memory), I don't think we'd have also gotten scenes that she had no way of witnessing, like the conversations between Aniseya and Koril, or the advisors scene after the girls have been sent to bed. And I don't think whoever manipulated her memories would have left in the part where she hears the scream from the coven, as presumably they're killed. Like that seems like a big clue you'd try to remove if you were trying to convince someone that a bunch of people died in a fire and not in some single concentrated act.

so I do think that the next episode will be the same way: roughly everything on screen is as it really happened, an objective version, but given their current orientations to the truth, it will change the twins' perspective in different ways. Osha has been completely trusting of Sol and blaming Mae: finding out Sol was more at fault that she believes could shift her vengeful anger onto him (and make it easy to manipulate her into a darker turn). Mae blames the four Jedi, but might understand their perspective better (because I'm still on team the Jedi 'thought they were doing the right thing' and made mistakes but were generally acting defensively, rather than in cold-blood slaughter 🙄) and be willing to forgive.

But yeah, this double framing device actually works for me. Almost makes up for not having one last flashback episode.

Anyway now it is time to ✨log tf off✨ because it is a long weekend, I think I need to stop theorizing before I spin myself off into chaos, I'm pretty confident with my general expectations, if not the details — but I should stop overthinking this...and also some of the theories floating around are ✨upsetting me.✨(...Vernestra/Indara/Sol as the Sith master, any variation of 'the Jedi came to Brendok to purposefully cold-blooded massacre the coven, no nuance' (there's a bunch of variants of that I'll be really disappointed if they end up being true), Qimir is Imri (stahp), Sol broke Osha's brain and that's why she can't use the Force (reddit, she's seen struggling before she even meets Sol, what are you even doing—), Indara faked her own death for some reason, etc etc.) And that means it's time for a break! Touch grass! Or....tree. Lake. I'm going to go look at a lake. Peace, see you next week

[krittec]

the only thing i hate about 9-1-1 is that it never airs in the UK when it airs in the US so everything is spoiled bc i would’ve loved to watch bi buck as it happened than on twitter. would much rather have an awful sleep schedule and get it live than this

[otogariado]

i get why people would opt to say walter was a terrible person since the beginning, but i think that's like, the most boring takeaway you can get about his character. he was already insecure and prideful from the start, and it's what would hurt him and keep hurting him. but like, being insecure and prideful are regular traits any regular person can have. the actions that he makes because of these traits, which in turn keep fueling his ego more and more, are what makes him an interesting character. and he was already pretty capable of hurting other people, but he wasn't doing it out of malice, but more because of careless selfishness at first. what makes walter terrifying is that the more he does it, the more he becomes aware of what he's doing, and the more he keeps going and keeps being more and more meticulous and deliberate about what he does that hurts people and even to the point when it was specifically to hurt people.

i think the traits were there in walter from the beginning—the pilot did a pretty good job of establishing how powerless he's felt all his life and just how susceptible he is to letting this newfound perceived power get to his head so easily. he even says this explicitly in 5x06 "Buyout" when he tells jesse "i'm not in the money business, i'm in the empire business". but saying he was this monster from the start kind of implies he didn't undergo through a character arc throughout the show when it's quite literally what he did. he got worse. so much worse. through mostly the fault of his own fragility.

[jaarijani]

Meow there 💛💛💛

I just wanted to quickly tell you that i freaking looooooooooooove the cat jure sticker and the art to it, like that wide smile is always on my mind especially when I don't really think about anything.

Like its soooooo pretty, i did try to find the bits you posted weeks/or months ago, but well i can just look at the sticker 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰. Which is sooooooo cool, the colours the textures big big fan. 💛💛💛💛💛🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰.

So pretty 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰, very edible 🥰🥰🥰🥰. I loooooooooove it a lot and I hope this wasn't weird or worse pushy, just wanted to tell you that I absolutely love it and I am insane over it.

Have a nice day 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

HIYA JAY!!! it genuinely makes me so happy that you love it so much 💕 i meant it when i said i drew it while thinking about you hehe <3

I promise I will post the artwork of it soon™, though that might be a joker out definition of soon™ because I want to post him along with my stickers of the other band members 😔💕 I'm still finishing up Bojan and I have a proper sketch for Jan but I haven't even started on Nace yet and between several zine pieces and secret projects it might take a little while before I'll post the finished piece BUT I WILL POST IT!!! mark my words <3

[orelaia]

OC patron saint tag

thank you @lamortwrites for the tag !!

tagging @sybaritick @immren ,, anyone who sees this who would enjoy doing this toooo 💖 if you've already been tagged umm no you weren't

did this for my firbolg bg3 durge, Taune! (and added an ingame pic for those who have not seen her <3)

quiz link: what is your oc the patron saint of?

Taune: patron saint of relics

patron saint of remembering. patron saint of holding something close. patron saint of holding on for too long. for a saint, a relic is often a part of the body, kept for some physical memento of their holiness. they are all in your hands, now: does it feel like remembrance? does it feel sanctified? are the dust and blood as precious as they're supposed to be?

[crescentfool]

i think something that is important to me to remember is that there are small ways i can do things to spark joy for myself and others without waiting for someone else to do it... (conjures up little sparklies from my hands) life is so whimsical!!!

[llycaons]

'jiang cheng would like a strong woman' have you considered she would probably not like him

[good-night-space-kid]

Very successful evening of networking and spending time with some of my favorite geo faculty!!! Yay :D

[gar-a-ash]

Tassie flushed a rabbit from the field the other night and I saw her come out of the darkness completely on top of it trying to crush it into the ground while sprinting and the only reason it survived was because the dumbass forgot she had a frisbee in her mouth that she was refusing to drop (activated prey drive) and couldn't bite it past the frisbee she refused to lose. Tassie confirmed to outrun wild rabbits.

On the plus side high drive dog in activated prey drive and I only had to yell out to Leave It once before she sulked back to me I will fucking take that. I've never been as confident in Tassie's obedience vs Reese's so it is NICE to see it working.

[thehardkandy]

A thing I really appreciate about my job is idk. The sense of doing something people want but cannot do for themselves. That they ask me a question or provide me a problem/desire and I tell them if or how it can be done. And then I spend my time doing what I have decided upon. It feels good and the feelings last longer than I got at my other jobs, since it was usually only for very small parts

[apotheotic-cravings]

I’ll just say it, Harrow the Ninth is my favourite of the series so far and if you don’t like it it’s because you’re not insane enough. If you want to enjoy the book more, try developing lifelong and deeply crippling mental illness OR just bashing your head into the wall for twenty minutes before reading. Hope this helps.